“I have a question!” Diamond Tiara sat at the chair that crowned the table and looked at Rarity. “So is the whole ‘hobo looking for a yummy cat to stab’ look on purpose, or you’re just really bad at grooming yourself?”
The whole table fell silent as Rarity’s smile petrified. Her eyes got a little glassy.
“Because if you did that on purpose, you have some serious dedication, lady,” Diamond Tiara continued, pointing at Rarity’s face. “Rubbing every last follicle of your face with… whatever that is must have taken hours. I thought only serial killers took so much care about—”
“So!” Rarity smashed the table, and Diamond Tiara flinched away. “I’m glad you all could make it, Cheerilee, Mayor Mare. I hope you’re having a good week?”
“We’re doing well, thanks.”
“Absolutely.” Cheerilee smiled politely. “I hope you’re, uh, doing better? After the accident and all—”
“Yes, yes. Of course!” Rarity’s eyes were shining maybe a little bit too much. “Everything is going perfectly!”
“What are you covered in anyway?” Diamond Tiara asked, frowning and squinting at Rarity. “I’m trying my hardest to figure it out, but the only words that come to mind are ‘green’ and ‘questionable’.”
“Anyway!” Rarity sat down with the weight of a Mafia oppositor diving into the river. “We’re all here, so I hereby declare this meeting of the Ladies Club started! This is our new member, Diamond—”
“Wait. We’re starting already?” Mayor Mare looked around. Sugarcube Corner was almost empty aside from them—there were two ponies sitting at the table on the other side of the bakery, and that was all. “But… Where’s Applejack? Or Princess Twilight?”
Rarity’s face came back to normal, more or less. “They both have business to attend this afternoon, Mayor Mare. Twilight might join us later on if we’re lucky, but Applejack assured me she was needed at the farm.” She frowned a little. “She had to take care of something that’d been pending long ago, she said.”
“RAINBOW DASH! GET DOWN FROM THAT TREE RIGHT NOW!”
“No.”
“GET DOWN!”
“No!”
“GET DOWN OR SO HELP ME!”
“This tree is cozy and good to sleep!”
“YOU ARE MAKIN’ THEM TREES GO BAD!”
“That’s a lie!”
“AH’M GONNA THROW AN APPLE AT YOUR FACE!”
“I don’t believe you!”
“OH, YOU DON’T?!”
“No!”
“HYA!”
Ploc.
Silence.
“You do realize the only thing that did was add one more apple to the tree, right.”
“OH, YEAH? THEN WHAT ‘BOUT THIS?!”
Ploc.
Silence.
"How can you be so bad at this."
“CREATIVE THINKIN’ IS HARD OKAY.”
“A matter of life and death, surely, if she was forced to miss this,” Rarity said, nodding to herself. “Anyway, as I was saying—I hereby declare this meeting of the Ladies Club started, and give our warmest welcome to our new member: Diamond Tiara!”
Cheerilee and Mayor Mare nodded at her.
“Well, then!” Rarity clapped twice, and a little bit of dust came off her hooves. Nopony commented on it. “Let’s get down to business, shall we? Anything interesting to report to the—yes, Diamond Tiara?”
Diamond Tiara lowered her hoof. “Yes, I have no money with me. Are you going to pay for whatever I eat here?”
Rarity blinked. “Well, I—”
“Rarity will pay,” Cheerilee said.
“Wait, what?”
“Cool!” Diamond Tiara stood on her chair and waved at the counter. “Hey! Missus Cake! Give me a piece of the most expensive cake you have!” She turned to Rarity. “You want something?”
“I—”
“Hahah, gotcha, I don’t actually care. And nothing else, Missus Cake!” Diamond Tiara sat down again. “So! I have no idea what I’m doing in this place. What’s going on?”
Rarity chuckled and patted Diamond Tiara’s head. “Oh, darling, you didn’t listen to me earlier? This is the Ladies Club!” She made a broad gesture, embracing the whole table. “A place where the most influential and classy mares of Ponyville gather and talk about—”
“Influential and classy?” Diamond Tiara cocked her head to the side. “Is that why Fluttershy is not part of it?”
“That, and because that Mayor Mare doesn’t like her.”
“I avoid ponies who can’t be bribed on a general basis.”
“Yeah that sounds dumb,” Diamond Tiara said. “I have no reason to be here. I think you’re kidnapping me. Are you kidnapping me?”
“Good point, actually,” Mayor Mare said, looking at Rarity. “I thought we were going to ask your sister to be part of—?”
“So you are kidnapping me? You didn’t even tie me up.” Diamond Tiara wrinkled her muzzle. “Gosh. You’re really bad at this. Also, my father will go after your families after paying ransom.”
Mayor Mare gave her the exact same smile all politicians used with children—it had all the warmth and sympathy of a slightly dusty armchair. “Sweetie, the grownups are talking. Anyway, Rarity, I understood that—”
“Hey, joke’s on you, I talk from experience.” Diamond Tiara frowned at Mayor Mare. “My father has done that before. I’m his little princess because after Mom died he has nothing else left, he says.”
“To get your sister and—wait.” Mayor Mare blinked and looked at Diamond Tiara, and this time she almost looked like she was talking to an actual living being, and not some kind of talking pet. “Your father has what?”
Just then, Mrs. Cake brought Diamond Tiara a slice of wedding cake, which she nibbled then threw to the floor with a splat! “It didn’t taste horrible!” she said, barely looking at Mrs. Cake. “Bring two more! And Dad has revenge-kidnapped families before. Like Miss Cheerilee’s! Right, Miss Cheerilee?”
Cheerilee grimaced, but nodded. “Interesting weekend, that one,” she muttered, taking a sip of her tea. “My father still has a pathological fear of crowbars.”
“Wait, wait, wait. What?!” Mayor Mare’s frown was deeper than an idiot’s belief of the horoscope. “Are you—are you being serious?!”
“Yeah.” Diamond Tiara took Rarity’s teacup and drank from it. “She kidnapped me.”
Rarity looked at Cheerilee. “You did?”
“She had a twenty-minutes-detention because she hadn’t done her homework in two weeks,” Cheerilee muttered. She sounded tired. “I sent a note to her father explaining it, just to avoid that situation.”
“Yeah I didn’t give it to him.”
“Hey!” Mayor Mare took the teacup from Diamond Tiara’s hooves and gave it back to Rarity, who looked at her startled. “Cheerilee, am I to understand this filly is in your class?”
“Um.” Cheerilee arched an eyebrow. “Mayor Mare, I kind of run the only school in the whole town.”
“And so? Cheerilee, I’m a politician, I neither understand nor care about education!” Mayor Mare slammed her hooves on the table. “Is this filly one of your students or not?!”
Rarity intervened before Cheerilee could say a word. “Diamond Tiara is a classmate of the Crusaders, yes,” she said, tapping the teacher’s shoulder to make sure she remained calm. “She is one of her students.”
“Well then, you shouldn’t allow them to talk like that!”
Mrs. Cake laid the two new slices of cake in front of Diamond Tiara. “Um, do you want a spoon, dear?”
“No, I don’t need it!” Diamond Tiara took a bite from one of the pieces and the strawberry from the other. “Bring two more! And throw these away, I don’t want them anymore.” She pointed. “Rarity pays, because they’re kidnaping me.”
Mrs. Cake frowned at Rarity. “You’re kidnapping her?”
“Of course not!”
“Or act like this!” Mayor Mare kept on glaring at Cheerilee. “What kind of instruction are you giving to the foals of Ponyville, if they act like this in front of you?!”
“I don’t think it’s my fault, actually,” Cheerilee said, her tone perfectly calm, like a doctor telling a pregnant mare that her stork trap comes a little bit late this time. “All my other students are perfectly well-behaved; Diamond Tiara is just a legal loophole, so I can’t really act there.”
Rarity looked to the side and snorted. A puff of dust came off her muzzle as she did so. “Perfectly well-behaved,” she muttered. “Yes, sure.”
“They all say they’re not kidnappers, because they’re all cut with the same pattern, Dad says,” Diamond Tiara said, nudging Mrs. Cake. “If you call the police now Dad will call his thugs, but I like the cake so don’t do it yet.”
“If they’re perfectly well-behaved, I’m a windig—hey” Rarity blinked and looked at Mrs. Cake again. “We’re not kidnappers! Do I look like a criminal to you, Mrs. Cake?!”
“You didn’t ask me but yeah you do,” Diamond Tiara said.
“You…” Mrs. Cake looked around, flustered. “Well, I don’t mean to judge, dear, but… I don’t know, you have that green and questionable thing all over your face, and it’s kind of—”
“She won’t say what it is because she’s ashamed,” Diamond Tiara said. “Probably because she kidnapped me. Bring me more cake now?”
“I won’t say because I’m asham—it’s dirt!” Rarity’s voice went up like a president’s popularity after she reveals she can breakdance. “Oh my gosh, It’s just dirt, stop implying whatever you’re implying!”
“If I covered your face with cake you would be cleaner,” Diamond Tiara said, eyeing the strawberry-less slice in front of her. “Missus Cake, you can go bring me more food now, before they kidnap me again or something.”
“Legal loophole?” Mayor Mare arched an eyebrow. “One of your students being so crass is a legal loophole?”
“Again: we’re not kidnapping you!” Rarity said. “Goodness me, we know Filthy Rich personally, what do you expect us to even do with her?!”
Cheerilee nodded. “Yes, a legal loophole.” She grabbed Diamond Tiara, turned her around, and all but smashed her flank against Mayor Mare’s face. “Here! Look at this!”
Absolute silence.
They all looked at Cheerilee, who frowned. “What? Why are you looking at me like that? I’m just showing this to Mayor Mare!”
More absolute silence.
Cheerilee blinked. “Oh. Right. We’re trying to avoid looking like kidnappers. Okay, so this makes a lot of sense if you know the context, Mrs. Cak—aaaand you’re already gone.”
“Hahah!” Diamond Tiara looked at Cheerilee, legs dangling, tail wagging. “Dad’s getting the vicious thugs for this one.”
“Big Mac! You gotta help me!” Applejack nudged her brother and pointed at the apple fields. “Dash is sleepin’ on them trees again!”
Big Mac arched an eyebrow at his sister.
“Yes, she is!” Applejack said. “And we gotta make ‘er stop! She’s makin’ them go bad! Here!” She looked for something in her hat and showed it to him. “Look at this apple!”
Big Mac looked, and his eyes opened wide.
That wasn’t a good apple. Any other pony wouldn’t have seen it, but Big Mac had been raised among apples, and he could tell the good ones from the bad ones—it was all about their skin, the way they reflected light, the roundness.
And that apple got them all wrong. It looked bubbly, which was the second worst thing an apple could look like; just above “blurry” but still under “fluent in Pfrench.”
If Rainbow Dash was doing that by sleeping on the apple trees, then that was a job for Big Mac.
He squinted. “Show me,” he said.
Applejack’s face lightened up with hope. Oh, yes, she thought. Rainbow Dash was going to get it. Big Mac wasn’t a pony of words, but of action—if he wanted to do something, he did it. She showed him the way to the Dashed apple, and pointed at it with a smirk.
“YOU THERE!” she yelled. “YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO GET DOWN BEFORE BIG MAC SHOOS YOU AWAY!”
“No.”
“OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT! YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT WHEN HE—”
Ploc.
Silence.
“Did you just throw an apple at her?”
“…Eyup.”
“Consarn it.”
“You know, Cheerilee? I’m actually curious.” Rarity was covered in so much stuff that some of it was probably alive, and yet her eyes managed to be the scariest part of her when she glared at Cheerilee. “Did you have anything in mind when you shoved a kid’s rear in Mayor Mare’s face, or you are just that desperate for free sessions with a therapist?”
Cheerilee put Diamond Tiara down. “Okay, first of all? You agreed with me when I said Dr. Young Heart charges too much for a session, and that the system was made to be beaten.”
Mayor Mare nodded and pointed at Cheerilee. “She got you there!”
“Plus, you know I just fake mommy issues to get that,” Cheerilee continued. “No, I was just trying to show Mayor Mare why Diamond Tiara acts like a—”
A pause.
Diamond Tiara looked at Cheerilee, her face sixty percent innocent eyes.
Cheerilee coughed. “Why she acts like, uh, herself.”
“Dad says authenticity is important when you’re rich, because everypony else needs to put up with you anyway.”
“I see.” Mayor Mare looked at Diamond Tiara, then at Cheerilee. Her tone was stern, like a stereotypical father with a big moustache. “You let the filly act like that because she’s got a…” She squinted. “…A nice flank?”
“Stop calling me ‘filly’,” Diamond Tiara said, frowning at Mayor Mare from her chair. “My name is Diamond Tiara!”
Mayor Mare didn’t even bother looking at her. “Too much of a mouthful,” she said.
“My friends call me DT!”
Cheerilee groaned. “Mayor Mare, I was not trying to point that out, I was just—” She blinked. “Wait a moment. Diamond Tiara? What did you say they call you?”
The filly smiled. “DT!”
A moment of silence.
Rarity looked at the other two. “Well, she does look like she’ll fancy some wine when she’s older.”
“Yes, she fits the type,” Mayor Mare muttered, eyeing DT. “Do you think the kids did that on purpose?”
“Well, I don’t know.” Rarity scratched the back of her neck. “I don’t think kids know the meaning of—”
“Wait a moment.” Cheerilee raised a hoof and poked Diamond Tiara. “Diamond Tiara, sweetie, who made up that nickname?”
“Berry Pinch!”
“Yeah they did it on purpose.”
“This is outrageous, Cheerilee!” Mayor Mare crossed her legs even harder. They kind of hurt. “The more I hear about it, the more I dislike your methods! First this kid, and now…?”
“Berry Pinch is an incredibly sweet filly,” Cheerilee snapped back, “who just happens to have an interesting family life and a lifelong acquaintance with Doctor Young Heart.” She patted DT’s head. “Diamond Tiara is an exception, as I’ve already said—look at her cutie mark! Diamond Tiara, sweetie, show it to them, please.”
Diamond Tiara complied. Rarity and Mayor Mare looked.
“Really cute,” Rarity said. “Is it a crown?”
“It’s a diamond tiara!”
“Oh.” Rarity smacked her own forehead. “Yes, of course. How did I not see that.”
“You’re not that wrong, however,” Cheerilee said, patting DT’s head again so the filly would stop shaking her flank against the two mares’ faces—Celestia knew if Mrs. Cake was still looking, after all—and taking another sip of tea. “A diamond tiara is a sign of power, of class and nobility.”
“My special talent is to be better than the rest!” Diamond Tiara explained, chest swollen with pride.
“As a teacher, I’m forced to make sure my students develop their special talents as much as possible,” Cheerilee said. “And how do you do that, Diamond Tiara?”
“I make others feel bad to let them know I’m better!”
“There.” Cheerilee shrugged and finished her tea with one long sip. “Legal loophole.”
Rarity looked at Cheerilee with worried eyes. “That’s horrible,” she whispered.
“Hey, I’m just doing my job.”
“But that still doesn’t mean she can act this way all the time!” Mayor Mare said. “She can diss other children, I don’t care—but she should treat us with some respect!”
“Why?” Diamond Tiara looked at Mayor Mare like a dog looking at a treat shaped like a mailpony’s leg. “I’m still better than you.”
Mayor Mare snorted. “Sure you are.”
There was a pause.
Diamond Tiara blinked, the sound not registering in her mind for a second or two. “What,” she said, voice soft. “Did you just. Did you just laugh at me?”
Cheerilee’s eyes went wide. “Uh, Mayor Mare? I wouldn’t antagonize the kid. She can be really—”
“Oh, please.” Mayor Mare rolled her eyes and looked at Diamond Tiara. “Yes, filly, I was laughing at you, because you’re making a clown out of yourself. It’s not my job to educate you, but I won’t be humoring you just because you’re a kid who think she’s cute. Grow up already.”
The bell at Sugarcube Corner’s door jingled softly, but nopony paid it any heed. The air had gone cold around the Ladies Club table.
“You have no idea what you’re doing, are you?” Diamond Tiara said, and her voice didn’t sound like that of a child. She gave each syllable the induction only worn-out war veterans and really really weird babies could muster. “You don’t really know who I am.”
Even Rarity looked worried as she put a hoof on Mayor Mare’s shoulder. “Mayor Mare…”
“See, kid? That’s exactly the kind of thing I was talking about,” Mayor Mare said. “Rarity, seriously, you shouldn’t have brought this one. I understand we have to add young blood to the Ladies Club, but I thought you were going to ask your little sister?”
Diamond Tiara didn’t change her tone. “You mean Sweetie Belle?”
“Actually…” Cheerilee shot Rarity a curious look. “I thought the same when I saw Diamond Tiara here. Why didn’t you ask Sweetie Belle to join, like we agreed to?”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to ask!”
They all jumped.
A pale fuchsia mare, more chubby than skinny, with a purple hairdo higher than a bohemian poet and three cookies as a cutie mark was standing right next to their table, and she was staring at Rarity with that special mixture of love and absolute pure hatred only parents can muster.
“Why didn’t you invite your little sister here, young lady?” Rarity’s mother half-asked, half-yelled. “I hope you have a good excuse!”
Sugarcube Corner fell silent as they all looked at the new mare. Rarity and her mother looked at each other with anger and panic, respectively.
A couple seconds passed.
“…Also how come that filly sounds like Uncle Veteran Baby? It’s creeping me out.”
“Applejack, I hope this is important,” Twilight said, brow furrowed. “I have important princess business to attend, and I can’t do princess business in a farm. Duchess business at most, really.”
“It is important!” Applejack said, getting the apple from her hat and almost shoving it up Twilight’s nuzzle. “Look at this!”
Twilight looked. “It’s an apple.”
“It’s a bad apple!”
“Looks perfectly fine to me.”
“It’s not!” Applejack saved it in her hat again and pointed up. “And it’s all ‘cause of Dash! She just won’t come down from that tree! You gotta help me!”
Twilight had to blink twice before answering. “Seriously? You asked me to come here just so I could shoo Dash away? Applejack, I’m busy!”
“And Ah’m tryin’ to save my farm!” Applejack said, and she sounded every little bit as angry as Twilight herself. “Nothin’ Ah’ve done has worked, and those apples are my life, Twilight!”
“Gee.” Twilight took a step back and looked at the tree. “No need to get like that. Did you try throwing an apple at her?”
“Yeah. Didn’t work.”
“Wow. Down the drain goes anything Big Macintosh can do, then. Is he okay?”
“Eh. Cryin’ under the kitchen table.”
“Hah. Classic Big Mac.” Twilight spread her wings and winked at Applejack before taking off. “I’m on it. Give me a moment.”
“Thanks, Twi!” Applejack grinned as she saw her friend go up, holding her hat in place with her right hoof. “Ah owe you one!”
“Okay, Dash, Applejack asked me to talk some sense into you. What’s going on?”
“Hey, Twilight! I’m napping on this tree.”
“So I’ve heard. You know, you really shouldn’t do that.”
“SHE’S ALSO DESTROYIN’ MY LIVELIHOOD AND CONDEMNIN’ MY FAMILY!”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t do that either.”
“Aw, come on! It’s really comfy up here!”
“That’s no excuse, Dash!”
“DARN RIGHT!” Applejack’s grin grew wider. “TELL ‘ER, GIRL! BRING ‘ER DOWN!”
“Come on, check it out!”
“I am not going to check anything out, Dash. You’re an adult, and you should act like—wait a minute. Is… Is that an espalier branch with untrimmed twigs?”
“You bet it is!”
“My goodness, that is amazing! How did they even do that? And it’s so soft and symmetrical!”
“No, no, you gotta look at the west there. Light’s more natural.”
“Hey, you’re right!”
Applejack blinked, her grin frozen. “Um. Twi?”
“Gotta say, this is comfy. Do you have any extra pillows with you?”
“Twilight, puh-lease. You’re talking to me! Of course I have them! Here, I brought one with your cutie mark.”
“Aw, that’s so thoughtful of you!”
“What the—NO THAT AIN’T THOUGHTFUL!” Applejack yelled, resting her front hooves on the tree and shaking it. A couple leaves fell, but nothing else. “GET DOWN Y’ALL!”
“Oh my gosh. This is better than my bed.”
“HEY!”
“Of course it is! Why do you think I’m here all the time? Bathroom is to the left.”
“Thanks.”
“WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU MEAN ‘BATHROOM’S TO THE LEFT?!’”
“Gee, Applejack. What do you think I mean?”
“Yeah, Applejack, that was pretty obvious. Hey, you know who should see this? Fluttershy.”
“Great idea!”
“TWILIGHT YOU’RE MAKIN’ THIS SITUATION WAY WORSE!”
“And, what the hay, why stop with Fluttershy? What’s the average price of land in this part of town? We could really make a profit out of this.”
“I don’t know. Applejack?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“I think she means a hundred and fifty bits per square meter.”
“Adjusted to inflation?”
“Well, duh.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Mother!” Rarity flinched so hard she almost got clean. “How in Equestria did you know I was here?!”
Mother—neither Cheerilee nor Mayor Mare knew her name—looked at her with feline contempt. “You’ve been coming to this place every single Wednesday of your life since you reached puberty, Rarity,” she said.
Rarity blinked. “Oh. Oh, right.”
“I also followed the trail of dirt you left behind.” Mother pointed at the floor, where Rarity’s hoofsteps were clearer than the skin of a redhead in denial. “You should really consider a shower, Rarity.” She nodded at the rest of the table. “Hello, girls. And hello to you too, weird Veteran Baby filly.”
“A pleasure.”
“Nice to see you.”
“Why did you call Cheerilee a filly?” DT asked.
“Mother, why are you here?” Rarity asked, for what felt like the thousandth time. “You know the Ladies Club meetings are a grave and pressing matter!”
“Wait, so the kid is stupid on top of rude?” Mayor Mare leered at Cheerilee. “What in the name of Celestia do you do in that school of yours? Pitch them against each other and see who’s got the best left hook?”
“Yeah, Featherweight is the indisputed champion. We don’t get it either.”
“Sush, honey. And Mayor Mare, don’t you dare say that!” Cheerilee said, wrapping her foreleg around DT’s shoulder in a protective gesture. “Goodness’ sake, Mayor Mare, she’s just a kid! All kids are idiots to some degree—I actually think DT is really sharp for her age!”
Diamond Tiara arched an eyebrow. “Wow. I actually find the condescending attitude more insulting than the direct attacks. Talk about good moral lessons, Miss Cheerilee.”
“I said sush.”
“Yes,” Rarity repeated, not an ounce of irony in her voice. “A grave and serious matter indeed!”
“You didn’t let Sweetie Belle join your club!” Mother said, taking a chair and sitting right next to Rarity, frown deep. “How can you—hold on, can I ask for something to drink? I don’t have money with me.”
“Oh, sure,” Cheerilee said with a warm smile. “Rarity will pay.”
“Hey! You can’t go saying—!”
“Thank you, dear,” Mother said, smiling back at Cheerilee. “Excuse me, Mrs. Cake? Another round of tea, please? Add one extra for me! Rarity, you’re a darling for paying for us all.”
“I’d never said I’d—”
“But I’m still angry with you! You didn’t invite your sister!” Mother crossed her front legs and glared at Rarity. “How can you be so petty? She apologized!”
“I—! You—! You can’t—! Ugh.” Rarity massaged her forehead. “Mother. Sweetie Belle burnt down my house.”
To which Mother replied with the good ol’ technique of dragging the vowels like the feet of a handicapped ballerina, talking the way unicorns talk to children of inferior races. “But Raaaaaarity,” she said. “She apologiiiiiized.”
“Mother dear of mine, SHE LITERALLY DESTROYED EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR.”
“Yeeees. But she apologiiiiiized.”
“I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING UNDER THE BRIDGE FOR THREE DAYS BECAUSE OF HER!”
“What?” Cheerilee turned around from Diamond Tiara’s idiocy towards Rarity. “You have been sleeping under the bridge? I had no idea!”
It took Rarity a moment. “You didn’t know I was—Cheerilee, I’m completely covered in mud and dirt.”
“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t necessarily mean—”
“I have a hut in there with a sign that reads ‘Rarity’s New House!’”
“I just figured it was some kind of avant-garde—”
“YOU SAW ME THERE THIS MORNING WHEN I ASKED YOU FOR SOME CHANGE TO BUY BREAKFAST!”
Cheerilee raised both hooves up in the air, in an ‘I give up’-esque gesture. “I don’t know!” she said. “Life is confusing, the universe makes no sense, sometimes ponies do weird things! I mean, you have a complicated life. I only thought—”
“THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!”
“Yeah I just thought you were following a trend,” Mayor Mare said as she took a sip of her now cold tea. “Covering yourself in dirt, being miserable… kinda sounds like fashion to me.”
“I just assumed you were waiting for a chance to kidnap me!” Diamond Tiara added.
“WHY WOULD I EVER DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS?!”
“I don’t know. Why would you ever sleep under a bridge for three days instead of asking one of your friends to let you stay at their place?” Mayor Mare shrugged. “Some questions are best left unanswered, Rarity.”
“Aw, so you lost your house.” Mother slapped Rarity on the back. “It was probably an accident! When I was your age, I broke up with my boyfriend. Everypony has problems! Now make up with your sister and invite her to this group.”
Rarity made sure not to scream. The yell was getting out of her throat, but she swallowed it up, gritted her teeth, smiled really really hard, and talked in the incredibly calm tone only hysterical people use. “Mother,” she said, and the word was sweet with rage, “I don’t think you’re getting the full picture. It wasn’t an accident. Accidents are accidental. That’s what the word means.”
Cheerilee nodded at Mother. “Her story checks out so far.”
“What happened,” Rarity continued, still smiling like a father on Mother’s Day, “is that Sweetie Belle, dearly little angel that she is, walked to my room, approached my desk, opened my drawer, went for the little box that said ‘Matches—Do Not Touch’, and said ‘Hey! I have a great idea!’ AND THEN SHE BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE!”
“Wow. That was weirdly detailed.”
“BECAUSE I WAS THERE WHEN THAT HAPPENED!”
Cheerilee arched an eyebrow. “Then why didn’t you stop her? That was really irresponsible on your part!”
“SHE TIED ME TO A CHAIR!”
“She’s, like, eight years old,” Mayor Mare said, looking at Rarity above her glasses. “I mean, if she tied you up, that’s because you let her.”
“SHE WAITED FOR ME TO FALL ASLEEP FIRST!”
“Well, why did you fall asleep on the first place?” Mother asked, crossing her forearms. “You left her alone!”
“She’s right, Rarity,” Cheerilee said. “No matter how you look at this story, you come out as the bad guy.”
PLAF!
Rarity slammed her head on the table.
PLAF!
Twice.
Mrs. Cake arrived to the table and set three cups of tea on it—in front of Mother, Cheerilee, and Mayor Mare, respectively. She also brought some wedding cake for Diamond Tiara, too. “Um. I don’t want to step in the conversation,” she muttered in an apologetic tone, “but I think you should listen to them, Rarity. Falling asleep like that was just asking for trouble.”
PLAF!
Thrice.
“I’ll assume you’re paying for that table, too.”
“I think what Sweetie Belle did was reasonable,” Diamond Tiara said, looking at Mother with those big eyes that made her look like a sweet and innocent child, because the world is a treacherous and horrible place. “I would have done the same!”
“See?” Mother patted DT on the head. “It’s just kiddie stuff! They’re supposed to act like that!”
“I deal with, like, fifty of them on a daily basis, Rarity,” Cheerilee said, poking the side of Rarity’s head. She was still pressing her face against the table. “Absolute wakefulness, girl. The only way, really.”
Mayor Mare nodded so sagely it was a shame she didn’t have a beard to get the full picture. “Exactly,” she said. “You know that kids—”
“Oh, like you know!” Rarity blurted out. “I’m not getting lectured by you of all ponies, Mayor Mare! Not on this!”
There was a moment of silence, as everypony flinched and stared. Even Rarity herself flinched, surprised by her own words.
“My, my, Rarity.” Diamond Tiara said, shaking her head a little bit. “We all know Mayor Mare doesn’t know about families, but that was uncalled for!”
Mayor Mare scoffed at Diamond Tiara, frowning just the tiniest bit. “Oh, please, don’t be so transpar—”
“You are never getting married, are you, Mayor Mare?” Diamond Tiara asked, softly. “That’s not going to happen to you.”
A pause. Diamond Tiara nibbled her cake.
“And you think it’s because you don’t want to, but lately you can’t help but wonder if the real reason is because nopony would be interested. Marriage? You barely manage to have friends!” Diamond Tiara made a broad gesture towards the entire table. “This is the pinnacle of your social life: a washed-up teacher and a kidnapper who lives under a bridge. Others manage to get more from life than you, so you’re probably lacking something, doing something wrong.
“But you’re old, and you’re scared, and there’s a point where you can’t see yourself as anything but your job. So every day you got back to your place and drink a little wine in your cold, lonely house, and try to hold back the tears with a book and tell yourself you’re living the life. Even though you know perfectly well that you’re not. You’re just being a pathetic, desperate old lady, who can’t make a connection and at this point would accept anything, because you never had any family to begin with.” Diamond Tiara flared her teeth. “And guess what—that is not going to change. You’ll die alone. And you know that.”
Absolute silence.
Mayor Mare whimpered.
Then she got up and ran out of Sugarcube Corner without saying a word.
“Yeah,” Diamond Tiara said, stealing Mayor Mare’s tea and taking a sip from it. “Read it and weep, you lameflank.”
Everypony in the bakery stared at Diamond Tiara with wide eyes. Even Mrs. Cake popped her head from the counter to give the kid a good look.
“I…” Rarity looked at her own hooves. “I didn’t say anything?”
“Oh, like you know!” Diamond Tiara said, in a perfect imitation of Rarity’s voice. “I’m not getting lectured by you of all ponies, Mayor Mare! Not on this!” She nibbled the cake once more and then pushed the plate aside. “She laughed at me,” she explained.
“Oh my goodness.”
“Celestia.”
“Thunderlane, be careful with that crate! It goes on this side of the street; that way you’re going to the hospital.”
“Gee, thanks, Princess!”
“You’re welcome. Really good job, everypony, keep it up! Oh, Dash, are you done with the western fields?”
“Yeah, the Thunder Tribes agree to be part of the Constitution.”
“Oh, that’s great!”
“TWILIGHT! STOP BUILDIN’ A SOCIETY IN MY TREES!”
“Chief Cold Front demands total authority around the Granny Smith Trees, though. Can we do that?”
“Oh, no! Fluttershy already promised that to the Cumulonimbi!”
“AH’M TELLIN’ CELESTIA!”
“Right. That reminds me—did we get word back from Canterlot?”
“Yeah, we’re recognized as an independent nation. They’ll send ambassadors later so we can sign a treaty or something. Also, remember you have a meeting with Filthy Rich, Penny Saved, and Bubble Burst. The whole suburbs business.”
“Wow, Rainbow. You’re really good as a secretary!”
“It’s easy to work when you’re this comfortable. Seriously, it’s unreal.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Hi, Applejack! What are you doing?”
“SCREAMING AT THE HEAVENS!”
“Oooh.” Pinkie Pie bounced right next to her and looked up too. “Sounds like fun!”
Applejack’s nostrils flared. “It ain’t,” she said before turning towards her friend. “Howdy, Pinkie.”
“Hi again!”
“What brings you here?”
“Oh, I just heard what was going on from Big Mac and I thought I’d give it a look!” Pinkie patted the tree’s trunk and nodded. “Good stuff, good stuff.”
Applejack frowned. “You heard from him?”
“Yeah, some kid kept throwing away slices of my best cake so I came to cry under your table. Anyway!” She pointed up. “What are you going to do with them?”
“Well, Ah was plannin’ on losin’ my temper a lil’ more and then acceptin’ my defeat,” Applejack said. “Family tradition.”
“Makes sense!”
“Oh, hello girls.”
“Hey, Fluttershy. How’s it going?”
“Fluttershy! Oh, I’m so glad you’re here—Dash managed to talk with the Thunder Tribes, but they also want the West Fields. You’re familiar with that part of the land; do you know any alternative we can offer them?”
“Um, I don’t know, Twilight. The West Fields are really nice. Although… I guess I could try to convince the Cumulonimbi to give them up. They would listen to me.”
“Oh my gosh! Fluttershy, you would do that for us? The Thunder Tribes would be of great help with the Constitution!”
“Well, I said I’d try. Maybe I could use something to sound more convincing, though… Like, I don’t know. A private field In the West, just for me and my animals, for example.”
“Wow. Fluttershy, that’s bold.”
“The Cumulonimbi really like those fields.”
“Well then, Fluttershy, we got a deal! Also, remind me to show you this club I’m in later…”
“They seem to be having a good time!” Pinkie said, poking Applejack on the side. “Maybe you should let them be?”
“Let them be?!” Applejack glared daggers at Pinkie, took the apple from her hat, and showed it to her. “Are you kiddin’ me?! Look at what they’ve done!”
Pinkie blinked, then looked at the apple. “Um,” she said. “It’s an apple.”
“It’s a bad apple!”
“Is it?”
Applejack’s eyes widened. She took a step back and pressed her hat against her chest, mouth agape. “You,” she said in a faint voice. “You’re no cousin o’ mine.”
“Geez.” Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “If it’s so important to you, what if you just get a ladder and climb on the tree yourself? You can probably kick them out.”
Applejack blinked. “Why! Pinkie, that’s a great idea!” She tossed the apple at Pinkie before running away. “Hold this! Ah’m gonna get the ladder! HEY, BIG MAC! WE’RE GETTIN’ OUR TREES BACK!”
Pinkie Pie watched her go with a neutral expression, then looked back at the apple in her hooves. “I don’t know what got into her. This looks perfectly fine to me!” she said.
“Ça va?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—!”
Author's Note
There's one more chapter, mind you. Ain't a one-shot, this one.
A surprise to the five idiots who always help me with my stories. I'd say "six", but Neko Majin C had to proofread it.
Written without them noticing. This one goes to you, lads.
“No, but, like, I don’t get it.” Cheerilee said, playing with the spoon in her tea. “Did you know she was insecure about the whole family thing, or was it just a wild guess? Because that was awfully specific.”
“Oh, I knew what to say,” Diamond Tiara said, resting her back on the chair. “But I did a little bit of cold reading, yeah. She was uncomfortable with all this talk about sisters and daughters.”
“What, seriously?”
“Um, sorry.” Mother raised a hoof. “What does ‘cold reading’ mean?”
“It means she just looked at Mayor Mare and made a couple wild guesses based on the way she looks,” Rarity explained, tapping her mother’s forearm and leaving a green mark on her coat. “Like when you act as if you already knew how much Dad drank at the bar on Fridays?”
“Oh. Ooooooooh.” Mother nodded. “Okay, I get it.”
“Mayor Mare is transparent enough to do that, I suppose,” Cheerilee said, scratching her muzzle. “I mean, seriously, gray hair? That just screams ‘loneliness’.”
“I’m sorry, girls!” Mrs. Cake came from behind the counter, pouting. “I can’t find Pinkie Pie anywhere—I think she ran away crying quite a while ago, but I don’t know why.”
“Wow.” Diamond Tiara let a smirk creep up to her face. “I am good.”
“The matter seemed important, so I baked a bunch of pastries and left them by the window—that’s usually more than enough to bring her back when this happens. I assumed Rarity will pay for them, of course.”
“WHY ARE YOU ALL DOING THAT.”
“Hmm.” Cheerilee frowned and got up. “Mrs. Cake? How long will that take?”
“For the pastries to have an effect?” Mrs. Cake rubbed her chin. “Hmmm… I’d say around two hours? Maybe?”
“YOU DO REALIZE I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT, RIGHT.”
“Not enough.” Cheerilee shook her head. “If we want her to cheer Mayor Mare up, we need her as soon as possible. I’ll go try to find her.”
“Well then!” Diamond Tiara got up too after watching Cheerilee go. “I’m going to look for Sweetie Belle!”
Mother smiled. “Oh?”
“YOU ARE LITERALLY—Wait. What?!” Rarity looked at the filly in horror. “Why would you do that?!”
“Well, Mayor Mare is gone and Miss Cheerilee won’t come back for a while,” Diamond Tiara said, shrugging. “I have to find some way to annoy you. I’ll be right back!”
“No! NO! DON’T BRING MY SISTER HE—oh, curses!” Rarity huffed and stood up. “I’m not staying here, then!”
“Rarity!” Mother grabbed her by the shoulder and forced her back to the chair. “Don’t be like that!”
“Mother, I am not seeing my sister after what she’s done!”
“Oh, come on.” Mother swept some dust from Rarity’s shoulder. Then some more. Then some more. Then she gave up. “You really need a shower, dear.”
“Yes, I wonder who’s at fault here.”
“Rarity, Sweetie Belle is a kid. Kids are supposed to do that kind of stuff! It’s how they learn!” Mother shook her head. “You can’t give your sister the cold shoulder—you’re really hurting her!” She gave Rarity a good reassuring shake. Dust and dirt fell from her coat like snow on a winter morning. “Listen, this is what we’ll do—Diamond Tiara will take a while to bring Sweetie Belle here, so why don’t we take this time to calm down and—”
The door opened. “Hello I’m back already!” DT yelled, dragging Sweetie Belle behind her, boredom in her face. “Missus Cake, bring me something expensive and add it to Rarity’s tab!”
PLAF!
“Also add a plate to that tab because she slammed her face against one on accident,” Diamond Tiara added, taking a seat. “Or at least I think it was on accident.” She poked Rarity’s head. “Was it an accident?”
Rarity’s voice came back muffled. “I can’t believe I’m seriously considering the murder of an eight-year-old child.”
“Figures.”
“Um.” Mother squinted as she looked at Rarity and the table under her face. “She didn’t break any plate,” she said.
“I know!”
“Then why did you tell Mrs. Cake otherwise?”
“Take a guess.”
“…Rarity?” Sweetie Belle hadn’t sat down, and was rubbing her forearm shyly. “Are you… Are you still mad?”
“Am I still homeless?”
“...Yes?”
“Well then, there’s your answer.”
“But I’m sorry!” Sweetie Belle said, and her voice broke down a little, as if she was trying really hard not to cry. “I’m really, really sorry! I promise I’ll never do it again!”
“That was pretty quick, by the way,” Mother whispered to Diamond Tiara while the two sisters were having their moment. “How did you find Sweetie Belle so fast? Usually she’s playing with her friends Celestia knows where at this time of the day.”
“Eh.” Diamond Tiara shrugged. “Scootaloo left town for some kind of new-found utopia, so Sweetie Belle was just walking aimlessly near this place.”
“What about Apple Bloom?”
“Family trouble, I think. I didn’t really pay attention.”
“AH’M GONNA MURDER Y’ALL AND AH’LL FORCE YOUR PARENTS TO WATCH, YOU DARN APPLE-CROOKIN’ FREELOADERS!” Applejack screamed, tangled on the stepladder that was hanging upside down from the apple tree claimed by the New Treepublic of Sparkle (working name). “AH’LL GET YOU AT NIGHT AND AH’LL MAKE SURE YOUR NIGHTMARES BECOME TRUE!”
Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom were watching from a distance. “How did they even get ‘er like this?” Apple Bloom asked, cocking her head to the side and squinting. “Ah don’t get it.”
“I’m fairly sure she did that to herself, actually.”
“YOU’LL REGRET THE DAY YOU MESSED WITH AN APPLE’S APPLES! MY BLOOD’S RUSHIN’ TO MY HEAD!”
“Shouldn’t we help her?”
“No way I’m getting close to those apples,” Pinkie said, expression ominous. “Some things are not for mortals to toy with.”
“What?”
“I mean that seeing your sister like that is pretty funny.”
“MY HEAD HURTS SO MUCH!”
“Pinkie Pie! Thank Celestia I found you!” Both Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom turned around only to see Cheerilee running towards them from Ponyville. “We need you right now!” she said once she got to them.
“Hello, Miss Cheerilee!”
“Hi, Apple Bloom. Pinkie Pie!” Cheerilee grabbed Pinkie’s shoulder. “Something happened with Mayor Mare. She ran away from Sugarcube Corner, and we think she might—”
“What?” Apple Bloom frowned and tugged Cheerilee’s tail. “Miss Cheerilee, that’s wrong. She was running to Sugarcube Corner.”
Cheerilee paused. “What?”
“Ah saw her when Ah was comin’ here,” Apple Bloom said. “She was goin’ there, not away from there!”
“AH THINK AH’M LOSIN’ CONSCIOUSNESS!”
“Uh. Cheerilee?” Pinkie asked. “Do you still need me, or…?”
“Yeah… Yeah. I think I do.” Cheerilee swallowed and looked at Pinkie and Apple Bloom with serious eyes. “Even more, I think. Come on, we have to hurry!”
“PLEASE SOMEPONY HELP ME!”
“To Sugarcube Corner!” Cheerilee said, pointing. “Apple Bloom, you should come too! We have no time to do anything else!”
The three of them ran away.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—!”
“I’ll never, ever, ever do it again!” Sweetie Belle repeated, grabbing Rarity’s leg and not letting it go, no matter how hard Rarity shook her. “Please forgive me! Ple-e-e-e-e-aaaaaseeee!”
“ARGH! GO AWAY!”
“Not if you don’t forgive me first! I swear I won’t do it again!”
“WELL YES THAT IS RATHER OBVIOUS SEEING HOW THE HOUSE ALREADY BURNED DOWN!”
Sweetie Belle made a pout. “But I said I’m sorry! I SAID I’M SORRY!”
PLAF!
“Boy, she sure likes doing that,” Diamond Tiara muttered.
“Yeah, I’m getting kind of worried.”
“Funny, I’m not.”
“AAAAAAAAH! RAAAAARIIIIITYYYYYYY!”
“You know…” Rarity said, looking back up, struggling with every word so it wouldn’t turn into a senseless strangled scream. “You know what’s the best part? That you never actually explained WHY Y—Ahem.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Why you even did that, Sweetie Belle.”
“I don’t know! Life is confusing, the universe makes no sense, and sometimes ponies do weird things! I got puzzled and I burnt down your house!” Sweetie Belle finally let Rarity’s leg go, only to flail her forelegs aimlessly above her head. “You know I’m not good with metaphysical stuff!”
“THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!”
“Exactly! How are you expecting me to deal with that? I’m, like, five or something!”
“YOU ARE EIGHT YEARS OLD, SWEETIE BELLE!”
“Sure, confuse me even more!” Sweetie Belle crossed her front legs and huffed. “You’re not making things exactly easier, Rarity!”
“She’s right, dear,” Mother said, leaning towards her daughters with care. “You are being awfully difficult here, I think.”
“You’re being obtuse!” Diamond Tiara added cheerfully. “You can’t be mad at a kid, right?”
“I AM GOING TO—”
“Yeah, Rarity!” a new voice said. “Being angry with eight-year-olds is stupid, right? The poor things don’t know what they’re saying!”
Everypony shut up and looked at the door. With all the screaming, they hadn’t heard the door open.
Mayor Mare was standing there, smiling fiercely, an official-looking document between her teeth.
“Yeah!” she repeated, enunciating perfectly even though she could barely move her mouth. “You can’t be mad with little ponies like your sister or Diamond Tiara!” She walked towards the table and spat the document on it. “Especially when they have a tragic past, like Diamond Tiara!”
Diamond Tiara looked like a deer hit in the face by a laser. “W-what?” she asked with a tiny voice. “Tragic past?”
“Um. Mayor Mare?” Rarity, leaned as far back as she could on her chair, trying to distance herself from the Mayor. “I don’t know if you should be—”
“Yes, tragic past!” Mayor Mare slammed a hoof on the table. “Because, hey, remember how your father told you your mother is dead? Well guess what! SHE’S NOT!”
Diamond Tiara’s eyes doubled in size and wetness. “M-my mother?”
“Your mother!” Mayor Mare pointed at the document. “See this? See this thing? Your father’s legal status? He’s not a widower! He’s divorced!”
“B-but Dad said—”
“Daddy spared you the truth because guess what, kid! Your mother left you when you were a baby! Your father was horrible so she went away, and she left you behind because she didn’t love you!” Mayor Mare’s eyes were practically on fire. “That’s right, you weren’t good enough for your own mother, so she just abandoned you! Because you’re a little monster! And everypony hates you!”
A small pause.
Diamond Tiara’s lower lip was trembling. “B-buh, but I… She...” Her eyes filled with tears and a sob made it to her throat. “She… I… M-MOOOOOMMYYYYYY!”
“YEAH!” Mayor Mare waved the document at Diamond Tiara as she ran away from Sugarcube Corner, wailing. “READ IT AND WEEP, YOU JERK!”
The door closed behind Diamond Tiara. They all heard her running away crying until she was too far away.
Then, absolute silence.
“Hah!” Mayor Mare was panting, as if she had just ran a whole marathon. She turned to face the table, wielding a smile that showed too many teeth. “That’ll teach her!”
“Uh. Mayor Mare?” Mrs. Cake popped her head from behind the corner. “Do you realize you just lashed out at an eight-year-old?”
“Mrs. Cake, I’m having a moment. Please don’t steal my mojo.”
“Sorry.”
Rarity moved quick as lightning and hugged Sweetie Belle, pressing her face against her chest. “Iforgiveyou,” she said, never turning her eyes away from Mayor Mare, her face frozen in a mixture of shock and horror. “DearCelestiaIforgiveyousohard.”
“Letsneverfightagain—oh my gosh Rarity you’re disgusting!” Sweetie Belle pushed her sister away. Her coat was sticky now. “Take a shower already!”
Rarity blinked. “Really. You’re not going to wait even one second after we finally made up.”
“Your best friend is a princess, for Celestia’s sake! Just ask her for a spare bathroom or something!”
“I have too much dignity to do that!”
“YOU ARE LITERALLY A WALKING TOILET!”
“There! See?” Mayor Mare, still panting, took a long gulp of the first cup of tea she could find. “I also solved their problem! Happy ending for everypony!”
“I…” Mother shook her head and rested her eyes on her hooves. “Oh my goodness,” she muttered before looking at Mayor Mare again. “Was all that true, or you were just bluffing so…?”
“What? No, no, that was the absolute truth.” Mayor Mare took another gulp. “Yeah. She’ll have to live with that now. Where’s Cheerilee?”
The door jingled open. “MAYOR MARE!”
“Oh, here she is. Hi again, Cheerilee!”
Cheerilee entered Sugarcube Corner. Behind her, Apple Bloom followed. “Hello, Sweetie Belle!” she said. “Did you make up with Rarity yet?”
“Ugh.” Sweetie Belle tried to rub part of the dirt on her coat away with a tissue, but she only manage to get the tissue stuck to her leg. “I’m afraid so. How’s it going at the farm?”
“Ah think my sis is probably unconscious by now,” Apple Bloom said. She trotted to the table and took a bite of one of the cakes Diamond Tiara had nibbled. “Hey, this one’s really good!”
Rarity frowned at Apple Bloom. “I’m… I’m sorry. Did you say Applejack is unconscious?”
“Yeah, she’s hangin’ upside down,” Apple Bloom said, chewing the cake. “Pinkie Pie was there too! She came with us, but she went straight to the window at the back, ‘cause she said she smelled pastries.”
“Mayor Mare!” Cheerilee walked into Sugarcube Corner and looked around, alarmed. “Oh, dear Celestia—where is Diamond Tiara?”
“You just missed her!”
“Yeah,” Mother said. “She, uh. She went away running and crying about five minutes ago.”
“Darn it! Mayor Mare!” Cheerilee glared so hard at the Mayor she bared her teeth without realizing it. “I thought you were in need of some cheering up—not that you were looking for revenge! What did you even do?!”
“Destroy her world. Why?”
“BECAUSE SHE’S EIGHT YEARS OLD, YOU PSYCHO!” Cheerilee pointed at the door. “Go get that kid and apologize right now, or else I don’t know what I’m going to do!”
Mayor Mare pouted. “But she…!”
“She’s one of my students! GO!”
“But—she could be anywhere!”
“Nope!” Pinkie popped her head out the counter. “She probably went to Sweet Apple Acres! They have a table that’s amazing for crying. You should check there!”
“Yes, you should! You have no excuses!” Rarity pushed Mayor Mare towards the door. “Go, go, go!”
“Geeeez. Just because she’s a kid…”
“Um. Pinkie Pie?” Rarity looked at her friend. “Is the situation at the farm really that bad?”
“Booof!” Pinkie Pie waved a hoof. “You wouldn’t believe it! Twilight and Dash won’t listen to Applejack, no matter how hard she yells. They’re taking her home away from her, she says. Everypony’s so angry! I don’t think anypony can help them at this point, really.”
Sweetie Belle and Rarity looked at each other. Slowly, a small smile made it to their faces. “Oh,” Rarity said. “I think I know a couple ponies who just learned a lesson that could apply there.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Sweetie Belle said. “Although, please. take a shower first.”
“SWEETIE BELLE I SWEAR TO CELESTIA—”
Mayor Mare was grumbling and looking at the ground as she walked towards Sweet Apple Acres. It wasn’t fair, she thought. She had feelings, too, and that kid had hurt them—but apparently, nopony cared!
Was it the gray hair? It was probably the gray hair. She shouldn’t have dyed it that color, it just screamed ‘loneliness’.
She sighed. Getting back at that filly had been way too gratifying. Which usually wouldn’t be that nice, but this was Diamond Tiara she was talking about. Mayor Mare had met that kid less than two hours ago, and she already believed that setting her on fire would be cosmically regarded as a good deed.
The kid sure had struck a chord in her when she had said all that stuff about marriage, though. It wasn’t that Mayor Mare wanted that, of course, but at least some kind of connection would be nice.
But it was too late. She was old, and there was no way she—
Bomp!
“Gagh!” Mayor Mare’s glasses dropped and she almost fell to the ground. “Ah, sorry!” she said to the blur in front of her. “I wasn’t paying attention, I’m truly sorry, it was my fault.” She patted the ground around her, trying to feel her glasses. “I shouldn’t have—”
The blur took one of her hooves and put the glasses on it. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. It was just an accident. Are you alright?”
It was a male voice. Mayor Mare put on her glasses. He had a gentle smile, and was still holding her hoof.
Her heart fluttered, just a little bit.
Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t too late yet.
“Um.” Sweetie Belle rubbed her forearm and looked back at her sister and mother, who nodded at her and gave her the equine equivalent of a thumbs-up. So, a hoof. They gave her a hoof. Aesthetically indistinguishable from the equine version of giving the finger, but hey, Sweetie Belle liked to think the best of everypony. “Applejack?”
Applejack didn’t answer. She was still hanging upside down, and she was unconscious. The noises of a city could be heard from atop the trees.
“Uh, I just wanted to say—I think I know what you’re going through,” Sweetie continued. “It’s hard to argue with a friend or a member of your family, but sometimes ponies clash, and we might hurt each other’s feelings without realizing.”
Applejack didn’t answer. She was still unconscious.
“And, and it can be hard to make amends!” Sweetie said. “Really hard! Because sometimes you try to explain your point of view, but the others don’t want to listen, and it’s really, really frustrating! Because you are trying to reason but she doesn’t want to, and it just makes you more and more angry!”
And again Applejack refused to say a word, the reason being that unconsciousness was an integral part of her character lately.
“But… But you can’t let that get to you.” Sweetie Belle stopped rubbing her forearm and looked at Applejack square in the eye, full of confidence. “You have to persevere and make them understand, even if they hurt you! Because if you want to be forgiven, you have to forgive too, and… And if you don’t do that, you might end up hurting each other real bad.” She shook her head. “And sometimes you say or do things you can’t take back.”
Diamond Tiara was sniffling under the table at Sweet Apple Acres’ kitchen. Big Mac had been there at first, but she had eventually kicked him out, because even when severely depressed Diamond Tiara had her priorities straight.
“Tiara? Tiara, are you there?”
Diamond Tiara blinked and looked up. “Dad?”
“Oh, there you are!” Filthy Rich crouched down and crawled under the table, right next to her. “I came here because I had a meeting with Princess Twilight, and imagine my surprise when they tell me that my daughter is crying in here!”
Diamond Tiara whimpered and buried her face on her father’s coat.
“There, there.” Filthy Rich put his forearm over her shoulders and hugged her. “Let it all go, filly. I’m here now.”
Diamond Tiara cried even harder, letting her sobs be drowned by Filthy Rich’s chest. She was trembling and getting him all dirty, but he never moved.
And eventually, she calmed down.
Filthy Rich waited until the sobs all but disappeared, and then patted her on the back. “Better?” he asked.
“Hm-hmmm.” Diamond Tiara moved away from him, just a couple inches, enough to talk. “Dad?” she said. “Did… Why did Mom leave us?”
Filthy Rich flinched as if he’d been just punched in the stomach. “Ouch. Sweetie, I—”
“And why did you tell me she was dead?” Diamond Tiara insisted. “Is it because she didn’t love me? Did she leave us b-because I wasn’t good enough?”
“Oh, Tiara, sweetie…” Filthy Rich hugged her tightly once more. “Of course not! She loved you very, very much.”
“But… But then why…?”
Filthy Rich sighed. “It’s complicated, honey. It’s really complicated, and it’s… It’s not a happy story. I was waiting for you to be a little bit older before telling you, so you could understand.”
“I can’t understand now?”
“Not really. It’s a lot of grown-up stuff.” He ruffled her mane a little bit. “What I can tell you, however, is that she really loved you, okay? Loved you a lot, because you were her little girl. But she had to go, and we decided to leave you with me, because that way your life would be easier.”
Diamond Tiara looked down. “I see…”
“And hey, you’ve had a good life, right?” Filthy Rich lifted his daughter’s chin with a hoof. “Hey, look at me. Mom loves you, okay? And one day you might even see her, once you know the whole story.”
Diamond Tiara’s eyes lighted up. “Really?” She blinked, and her ears went down. “Uh. Do you think she’ll want to see me?”
“Of course she will! It’s your choice, Diamond Tiara. But I can’t explain to you what happened yet. You’ll have to trust me.” He got up—almost hit his head—and got out from under the table. “Do you trust me?”
Diamond Tiara thought about it for a second or two, then nodded. “Yes. But you promise you’ll tell me, right?”
“Sure, honey. Ah!” He turned around as Diamond Tiara finally made it out from under the table. “By the way, let me present you a, uh, new friend of mine! Mayor Mare, this is my daughter. Diamond Tiara, this is Mayor Mare.”
Silence.
Mayor Mare and Diamond Tiara stared at each other. The former was grinning, the latter was wide-eyed.
Understanding dawned on the filly.
“No,” she whispered.
“Yes,” Mayor Mare replied.
Filthy Rich, who was standing a little too close to Mayor Mare and had something that looked a lot like a slight blush on his cheeks, looked at them both. “Huh?”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”
“LOOKS LIKE I ALREADY DID!” Mayor Mare, grinning crazily, leaned towards Diamond Tiara. “HEY, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY! I SOLVED BOTH OUR PROBLEMS IN ONE SINGLE MOVE!”
“NO!”
“YES!”
Filthy Rich blinked. “I don’t get it.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
“DAD THIS MARE KIDNAPPED ME!”
“WHAT?!”
“Darn it.”
Fifteen minutes had passed, and Applejack was, if anything, even more unconscious. Or probably dead—at this point, all bets were off.
“…and being hurt is really really bad, even if it feels great to hurt others at first! So you should try to make amends with your friends. I’m sure Twilight and Rainbow Dash will listen to you if you speak with your heart!” Sweetie Belle took a step towards Applejack. “I truly believe it!”
“Yeah!” Apple Bloom said.
“You go, girl!” Mother added.
“Well said!”
“That was a beautiful speech, Sweetie Belle.” Rarity walked to her sister and patted her on the shoulder. “Right, Applejack?”
The sound of Dash and Twilight arguing politics from atop the tree was their only answer.
“Of course it is,” Rarity said. “And you can solve this! We’ll help you!”
“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle said, nodding. “Now that we’re working together, nothing will stop us! We’ll set everything straight in no time!”
“As a team!”
“As a team!”
Author's Note
The moral is that kids are adorable.
