The UnBIRDening of Rainbow Dash
"Back off! You heard me!"
Rarity groaned. The aroma of coffee was not the scent waking her as it should have been. Instead, on her one day off in nearly six months, some jerk had the audacity to—
"That's right, this is Rainbow Dash's property now!"
Of course. Rarity threw her sleeping mask across the room and rolled out of bed.
Rainbow Dash is certainly going to get an earful! she thought, stomping to her balcony and flinging her windows open.
"Rainbow, some of us are trying to—" she stopped. Nothing could have prepared her for what waited outside her window.
"And stay away! Tell your friends!" Dash shouted, shaking her hoof at the fleeing songbirds. It only took a few seconds for Rarity to regain her senses. Her friend and fellow element of harmony sat perched on the edge of the decorative avian pool.
"Rainbow Dash! Get out of my birdbath!" Rarity shouted.
"No! It's mine! And so is all the shiny garbage I stashed in the park!"
"What? Why in Celestia's name would you be collecting garbage?"
Dash's wings ruffled angrily and her chest puffed out. "Because it's shiny and I need it!"
Rarity raised an eyebrow. It certainly was unusual for Rainbow Dash to care about anything not flying related. She sighed, rubbing eyes.
"Whats going on?" Sweetie Belle asked, blearily stepping into her sister's bedroom.
"I have no idea, but bring me a broom, and I'm calling Twilight," Rarity said, stepping back into her room. "Or animal control..."
"Well, I wouldn't believe it if I weren't seeing it with my own eyes." The princess of friendship stood beside Rarity in her backyard.
"Well believe it. She's been chasing off birds all morning," Rarity complained. "She won't listen to reason, and seems bent on collecting shiny garbage."
"Hmm..." Twilight hummed, putting a hoof to her chin. "She's been collecting reflective objects? That sounds a bit like... I'll need to do some research. Come with me!" The two ponies trotted back to the castle, where Twilight managed to retain a few volumes of her old library. "According to this old medical journal, there are a few maladies that seem to only effect avians, just like there are some illnesses that only effect unicorns," she explained, flipping through the pages.
Rarity sipped her tea. "She didn't seem sick, just... crazy."
"That's exactly it, but I don't have quite enough evidence to make a diagnosis," Twilight replied.
"Darling, she was fighting with pigeons in my birdbath."
Twilight giggled. "While that is unusual, avians can exhibit territorial tendencies when under extreme stress. Has she been stressed lately?"
"I have no idea, I haven't seen her since we went to the Wonderbolt show in Canterlot."
Twilight sat back in her throne. "Ah ha!" She exclaimed. "There's one sure fire way to know what we're dealing with."
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "How?"
"Let's go get Rainbow, I'll explain on the way." Rarity followed her out of the castle and down the main thoroughfare through town. As they walked, Twilight went into excruciating detail about the ailment she believed Rainbow Dash may be suffering from. "So you see, even though it's more common in griffons, it can manifest itself in other avian species as well."
Rarity stopped. "So, wait, if this illness is so rare, how did Rainbow Dash come down with it?" She recognized the grin on Twilight's face. It was the one she made just before she went off on a tangent about a subject she was particularly knowledgeable about.
"I'm glad you asked." She smiled, as though she had a simple answer on deck. Her ears promptly withered. "There's... actually no known way to trigger this affliction."
Rarity leveled her eyes. She loved Twilight, but she could sometimes be just a tad irritating when it came to explanations.
"So this can just happen at anytime? To any pegasi?" Rarity asked. "So... you're telling me that Rainbow Dash essentially had a stroke that turned her into a bird?"
"Well... not in so many words, but essentially, yes," Twilight replied. "But, there is some good news!"
Rarity's ears perked up. "Really?"
"Yes! This is the first documented case of it actually happening to a pegasus!"
Her ears flattened and eyes narrowed. "Why in Celestia's name is that—"
"Because we can be the first to document it! We just need to talk to Rainbow." Twilight cut her off as they arrived at the birdbath. "Speaking of... where'd she go?"
"Rarity!" Her little sister came running from the back porch, a broom floating beside her in her magic.
"Sweetie Belle, where's Rainbow Dash?"
She smiled, sure that her sister would be proud of her. "I chased her away like you said! It took a few good whacks with the broom, but I chased her off!"
Twilight glared at Rarity as red came over her cheeks. "Good job Sweetie Belle, would you mind the store for a few moments?"
"Why?" the curious filly asked. "Are you and princess Twilight gonna go do cool friendship stuff?"
"Ah, uhm... in a sense, yes."
Twilight and Rarity sat outside at a cafe, sipping coffee, and wondering where the best place to look for a bird-brained Rainbow Dash might be.
"So this bird flu, it makes pegasi act like birds?" Rarity asked.
"Not just pegasi, it will have that effect on any part avian creature. But, yes, the term flu is a bit misleading. It's more of a mental trigger than a physical one, encouraging the baser avian instincts to become more pronounced."
"I see. So I suppose a good place to look would be her house?"
Twilight nodded, "That's where I'd start."
In no time, they found themselves on the ground below Rainbow's house, the unassuming structure floated just as it always had. "Rarity, take this amulet, and lets head up."
In a flash of purple light, they were on Rainbow Dash's front steps. They exchanged glances before stepping to her front door.
"Rainbow? Are you in there?" Twilight asked, knocking on her door. There was no response from within as Rarity noticed the door was cracked. With a nod, she pushed the door open, revealing quite the mess, even for Rainbow Dash. However, Twilight noticed a pattern in the seemingly random junk filling Rainbow's living room. "Rarity, look! All this trash is reflective in some way!"
"And that's not the only thing, she reshaped her couch into a nest!" Rarity said, noticing her now bowl-shaped furniture intertwined with tin foil and shiny wrappers. A fluttering from down the hall drew their attention. Twilight lit up her horn and began down the hallway.
"Rainbow? It's Twilight and Rarity, we're just want to help you!" She proceeded with caution down the hallway with Rarity right behind her.
They found Rainbow in her room, perched on her bedpost, preening her wings.
"Rainbow?"
Dash looked up. "What are you guys doing here?" she asked incredulously. "You're here to steal my treasures aren't you?!" she accused after a gasp. Rainbow flared her wings and puffed out her chest, bobbing her head threateningly.
"No, we're not here to steal your... treasures, dear. We're here to help you."
"Help me?" Dash asked. "I don't need help, I'm fine!"
"No, Rainbow, you've got bird flu," Twilight spoke up.
"Pfft, that's ridiculous! Ponies can't get bird flu."
Twilight raised an eyebrow, ready to lay some science down on her feathered friend.
"Rainbow, I know this may sound insane, but trust me, that's what you have. Up until now, it seemed to only effect griffons, but now it seems to have crossed over," She explained happily, her love of science beginning to overshadow her motivation to help her friend. "You're going to be the first documented case! Isn't that exciting?"
Dash snorted. "I don't think so. I'm not getting dragged into your basement while you do those weird experiments on me!"
Twilight blushed, eyes shifting around the room. "W-what? I don't run experiments in my basement, that's crazy!"
"That's not what Pinkie said," Dash countered.
Rarity's eyes narrowed. "Rainbow, there's one thing in this world that allows me to unwind and decompress after a long and stressful day. One thing that probably keeps me from unleashing an army of sentient clothes to enslave the whole of ponykind in fashionably forward subjugation, and would you care to guess what that is, Rainbow?" Rarity's voice had become deathly low, almost a growl.
Dash recoiled slightly. "Uhm... no?"
"Watching the birds in my birdbath. More importantly, not having them chased away by raving lunatic pegasus!" She turned to Twilight. "We're going back to the castle until you can figure this out!" In a flash of purple light, the three of them found themselves back at the castle.
Almost instantly, Rainbow Dash began to panic. "No, no, no! The ceiling here is way too low!" She bumped into the roof repeatedly as she searched for an exit. Rainbow sped towards a window, ready to smash through it before Twilight stopped her with a spell.
"Rainbow, I know this isn't ideal, but until I figure this out, I need to make sure you don't run off." In an instant, Dash found herself in what was essentially a magical bird cage.
"This is cruel and unusual, Twilight!" Rainbow protested, flapping madly inside the cage. "We never locked you up when you were sick in the head!"
"Look, I just need time to do some research, and I don't have time to chase you all over town!"
Rainbow huffed, and fluttered onto the perch dangling from the center of the cage. "But that hawk from the park is gonna steal my tin foil collection I stashed in that old hollowed out log, I just know it!"
"Rainbow, I promise that when I cure you, you won't care about your tin foil collection," Twilight said, rubbing her temples.
"What? No way! I fought four crows and a seagull for that stash!"
"Look, I get it... okay, I don't, but you need to let me work on this!" Thinking quickly, Twilight manifested a small mirror inside Rainbow's cage. "Here, this aught to keep you busy."
Rainbow gave a derisive snort. "You seriously think a mirror is gonna..." Rainbow glanced over at the mirror, spying a peek of her reflection. "Hey, get out of here! This is my spot!" Dash flared out her wings, bowing up to her opponent in the mirror. "Who do you think you are comin' in here like you own the place?" She began to peck at the intruder. "Rarity, help me fight this guy, he knows all of my moves somehow!"
Rarity turned to Twilight. "Better get to it, it seems to be getting worse."
They adjourned to the study where Twilight and Rarity poured through volumes of medical textbooks and journals. By the time three hours had passed, they were still no closer to a solution.
Rarity slammed the final book in her pile closed as she sighed in exasperation. "Twilight, this is exhausting. All we have to show for three hours of work is that only griffons are effected by bird flu!"
With a groan, Twilight closed her book, mane frazzled from throwing herself into her research. "You're right... I was afraid it would come to this. There simply isn't any documentation on a disease that doesn't affect ponies!" She slumped in her chair. "Well, we've still got one more option." She stood from her chair and called into the hallway. "Spike, can you come in here please?"
Rarity raised an eyebrow as the young dragon strolled into the room with his apron on. "Is this urgent? My soufflé has like, five minutes until it's done."
"It'll be quick, I promise," Twilight said. "I need you to take a letter."
"Who are you writing, darling?" Rarity asked.
"The foremost authority on griffon medicine."
Rarity huffed. She honestly could never figure out why Twilight just wouldn't answer her questions directly. "And that would be?" she asked, a tinge of annoyance in her voice.
Twilight giggled, as Spike burped up a scroll and quill from a jet of green fire. "Actually, you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"You nerds were right to call me," Gilda said, pacing around the birdcage her friend currently occupied. "This is serious."
"Gilda? Gilda is the expert on griffon medicine?" Rarity whispered.
Gilda shot her an icy glare. "What, you think selling baked goods is the only thing I do? A griffon's not allowed to have a hobby all of the sudden?"
Rarity raised her foreleg in submission as Gilda turned back to Dash, who was still battling her enemy in the mirror.
"Rainbow, how are you feeling?" Gilda asked, a talon rubbing her chin.
Dash turned to face Gilda from her perch and instantly puffed up.
"Who you?! Perch mine! Back off!" Dash screeched.
Gilda puffed up as well, wings flaring threateningly. "You wanna go? So help me I'll—" she stopped herself.
She turned to Twilight and Rarity. "Sorry, it's kind of a reflex for my kind." She straightened her feathers and calmed down before turning to the princess that had called her here. "Looks like I got here just in time. This kind of thing is actually fairly common in griffons, though it usually happens to chicks, and normally in the springtime," Gilda explained, reaching into her doctor's bag and retrieving a prescription pad. "All the symptoms are there, the head bobbing, threatening body language and wing flapping. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to put the moves on one of you."
"Excuse me, the moves?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, a mating display, maybe a dance of some kind?" Gilda replied. "I thought you were supposed to be smart."
"So, what do you recommend, Gilda?" Rarity asked.
"That's doctor Gilda," she corrected, scribbling something on the pad.
"Sorry, doctor," she parroted.
"Anyway, these pills should stop the aggression, but as far as a cure goes, there is none," she said nonchalantly.
"Wha—then what are we supposed to do? Is she going to be like this forever?" Twilight asked.
"Well, Princess of impatience, if you'd let me finish, I would have told you that there isn't a cure, because there's no need for one. She's just gonna have to ride it out. My advice would be to make sure to remind her that she's a pony, not a bird, and be sure to give her whatever it is you ponies eat, like twigs and berries or whatever," Gilda said, gathering her belongings and doctor's bag. "The bill will be in the mail. And by the way, I'm not cheap."
Later...
"Well, I gave Rainbow her pills, but, are you sure the dosage was right?" Rarity asked.
"Uhm..." Twilight squinted at the prescription bottle. "I think so, but it's written in Griffish, so... I'm not really sure." Since her capture, Twilight decided to move her cage to the throne room while they waited for her to become her old self again. She turned to her cage. "Rainbow, how are you feeling?"
Dash was hanging upside down from her perch, shrouded in her wings like a bat, her pupils dilated to saucer-like proportions. "Do you guys ever wonder, like, who put the alphabet in alphabetical order?"
"Hm... maybe we should half the dosage next time," Twilight said. "But she seems to be forming complete sentences. Maybe we can finally figure out what caused all this." She stepped up to the cage. "Rainbow, do you remember what you did before all this started?"
"Well... I was done with work and, uhm... Oh yeah, I didn't have time for lunch, and I was near Fluttershy's cottage... so I ate some food out of her bird feeder."
Twilight sipped her tea. "Well, other than being gross, there's nothing about birdseed that should turn you into... a bird."
Rarity stamped her hoof. "I've got it! I'll bet the birdseed did have something to do with it." How Rarity savored the opportunity to have Twilight drag an answer out of her for once.
"How so?"
"Where has Fluttershy been this whole week?"
Twilight thought for a moment. "In Canterlot for a veterinary conference."
Rarity smiled, "And who do you think she would leave in change of taking care of her animals?"
"Uhm... Angel?"
Rarity expression flattened. "Guess again."
She gasped. "No, she wouldn't be that naive!"
"Oh, she certainly would and you know it!" Discord had ordinarily done quite well since his reformation. However, every now and again he would slip. After all, if chaos is in your very nature, it would be unreasonable to expect him to keep it all bottled up until it festers quietly as a mental illness. "Shall we pay him a visit?" Rarity asked.
"Of course," Twilight sighed.
Just like that, the two ponies appeared outside Fluttershy's cottage.
Pegasi were everywhere, all presenting the same symptoms. Some whistled in the trees, while others jockeyed and fought for the mare's attention.
"Discord!" Twilight shouted. "Come out here, now!"
In a flash of light, the lord of chaos himself appeared before them. "Something I can help you with, princess?" He asked, sticking out an arm covered by a falconer's glove. With a shrill whistle, Thunderlane fluttered over and perched on his glove.
"What have you done to these ponies?"
Discord's face twisted into one of shock and surprise. "I did nothing! I simply facilitated a more natural state of mind for these pegasi."
Twilight gritted her teeth. "What. Did. You. Do?"
"My dearest Fluttershy left me in charge while she was away. With her feathered friends all having flown south for the winter, I figured she would appreciate a few more to keep her company!" Discord explained, giving Thunderlane a treat before he flew away to rejoin all of the other pegasi in town doing various bird things around Fluttershy's house. "So I set out some of my special birdseed, and sure enough just about every one of you winged horses stopped by for a quick snack."
Rarity and Twilight both grimaced at each other. "Geez, do all pegasi eat out of birdfeeders?" Rarity asked.
Twilight shrugged before turning back to Discord. "Look, while it is nice of you to want to surprise Fluttershy, this is not how to do it!" She yelled, stomping a hoof. "Change them back. Now."
"Alright, fine," He huffed. "Princess of friendship, more like princess of fun hating," He mumbled to himself. With a snap of his talons, every pegasus there snapped out of their trance.
Thunderlane looked around. "What... what is happening here?"
"It's a long story, just go on about your business," Twilight replied.
"And stop eating out of bird feeders!" Rarity shouted after them.
The princess turned back to Discord. "Find a way to welcome Fluttershy home that doesn't involve pegasi."
A smile crept across his face as he snapped his talons. "I've got it, I'll—"
"Or unicorns, or earth ponies, or any other sentient life form."
His expression fell. "You're no fun."
"Goodbye, Discord," Twilight said, joining Rarity as they walked down the road back into town.
"Well, this has certainly been an interesting day," Rarity remarked, her stomach growling rather loudly to accompany her words. "Oh dear, my apologies."
Twilight waved a hoof. "Your stomach is right, we haven't eaten dinner yet. Want to go out and get something?"
Rarity smiled. "That would be lovely! I know just the place."
Later that evening...
"I can't wait to try their grilled squash, I hear it's divine!" Rarity said, perusing the menu while enjoying one of the free breadsticks.
Twilight nodded. "I heard their hayburgers are fantastic." Twilight stopped browsing for a moment and looked up. "I feel like I'm forgetting something..."
Rarity put a hoof to her chin. "Ah, we forgot to wash our hooves!"
She smiled. "That was it! Especially after walking all the way here."
Back at the castle...
"Hello? I'm done being a bird. You guys? Twilight? Rarity?" Dash called, still in the throne room and trapped in her oversized bird cage.
Rainbow slumped her shoulders on her perch, resigning herself to her new home before she heard the footsteps of the castle's number one assistant.
"Thank Celestia! Spike! Twilight left me in this cage, I don't know where she went, but... hey, what are you doing?"
Spike grabbed a large blanket off the couch in the living room and walked over, tossing the blanket over the cage. "Hey! I'm not a bird anymore, this won't..." Rainbow yawned. "This won't work on... on me..." In moments, she was softly snoring in her cage.
"Finally," Spike sighed, walking to the couch with his favorite comic book. "Some peace and quiet."
Author's Note
By the way, when they called gilda to lend her doctorness to Dash, this is the scene I imagined when she arrived at the castle. Except it would be Gilda outside in the hat and suitcase.
