Caverns & Cutie Marks: Companion Stories

by TheColtTrio

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Discord, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character
Length: 13521

Anything is possible in a world of magic and shenanigans run by Chaos Incarnate. But some things can't happen in non-canon canon. So it get's shlupped off to the side.

Anything is possible in a world of magic and shenanigans run by Chaos Incarnate. But some things can't happen in non-canon canon. So it get's shlupped off to the side. While perhaps having a place in the CnCMKs canon, they just slowed the flow of the or were just an amusing headcanon we devised because of the LAWLs.

This is a realm of headcanons, potentially embarrassing situations, and funny shorts made because we wanted to.

Published 2015-12-16 16:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-20 08:05:48 UTC

"You need more straws."

Silver Lining looked around the ball. He wasn’t as easily impressed as some of the others were. The light grey earth pony could see several points where the king had chosen to cut corners. He frowned at wine he had; it having been one of the cut corners. Not being one to waste unnecessarily, he quickly finished the little bit he’d been given. Once finished, he began looking around for something else more interesting than his now empty glass. Finding nothing, he began to aimlessly wander as his mind sifted through the most recent rumors he’d learned of. Before he could get too far though, the familiar sense of having missed something tugged at his mind. This nagging feeling snapped him from his thoughts he noticed his eyes had focused on a strangely familiar looking grey pegasus. Determined to clear the distraction from his mind Silver Lining began to approach the strange pegasus.

The closer he got, the stronger his feeling of recognition got. It wasn’t until he was close enough to make out the pink stripe in the stallion's hair however that everything snapped together.

“Are you the adventurer, Light Patch?” Silver Lining inquired curiously, coming to a stop near the pegasus, his robes fluttering about his hooves.

The pegasus jumped and jerked in surprise before turning to face the noble. “Yeah, that’s me. If you don’t mind me asking though, how’d you know my name?” Silver Lining smiled and shrugged.

“I have my hooves in several rather informative pies,” the earth pony explained, “and I found your claim of drinking a water elemental to death to be most intriguing.” Light Patch’s eyes widened in surprise before he gave a small sigh and face hoofed.

“Of course she’d have mentioned that bit,” the grey pegasus muttered quietly before looking at Silver Lining again, “Ah, yes that little tale of stupidity. It was a while ago and I was a brand new adventurer,” he finished, hoping that the conversation would end after that.

Silver Lining chuckled. “My sources tell me that you travel with several curious ponies, two of which are close personal friends of your’s. You and your friends managed to defeat a horde of bandits with little effort. You definitely don’t seem like a brand new adventurer.” Light Patch grimaced.

“Well, we had the villager’s help and enough time to set some things up, as you also mentioned they were bandits not a well trained army.” he retorted defensively, not noticing his ear twitching nervously. The smile on Silver’s face grew as he saw how uncomfortable the pegasus was becoming. With a wave of his hoof, Silver Lining sighed.

“That's beside the point,” he said dismissively. “I merely want to make a propo-”

“No,” Light Patch answered. He spoke up again as he noticed Silver Lining readying to say something else. “I have a good idea of what you're thinking, and no, I’m not gonna do it.” Silver’s smile shrunk by several teeth but he didn’t give up.

“Not even for-”

“Not even for a scooby snack, or three,” Light Patch deadpanned. Silver frowned at the pegasus’ stubbornness. Apparently, he would have to employ his most trusted and proven tactic: throw money at the problem until it’s fixed. His smile grew again as he baited his hook before casting it at the grey pegasus. Silver Lining turned and looked over his shoulder at a knot of royals gossiping by the wine.

“Lord Topaz,” Silver called, “Lord Bronze Bit, Lady Winter.” Three ponies all turned as their names were called, two of which were male earth ponies and the other a female unicorn. Silver beckoned them over and turned back to Light Patch, his smile still apparent on his muzzle.

Light Patch was just about ready to run for the hills, “I would love to stay and chat more but I’m afraid I need to go and, uhm, go and...” he paused and looked as if he was deep in thought, “I need to go and find my excuse.” He began to leave.

“Tell me, Topaz,” Silver said loudly, “how many bits would you pay to see that pony-” he pointed a hoof at Light’s retreating hindquarters, “drink a water elemental to death?” The gold earth pony shrugged.

“Oh,” he mused, speaking just as loudly, “5,000 bits.”

“I see you and raise to 10,000 bits,” the white unicorn, Winter, piped up.

“Make it an even million,” Bronze sighed. “Half to pay for the arena, confections, and elemental while the other half goes to the pony who does the deed.” The rusted earth pony sniffed imperiously. “If he succeeds.” None of them failed to notice the departing pegasus freeze in his tracks.

With a sigh, Light Patch turned around and walked back. He glared at Silver Lining. “You fight dirty,” the pegasus said before turning to look at all of the other ponies looking on with interest. “I guess I can consider this, but I at least want a team of ponies to save my stupid hindend if things go wrong. It was as much luck as it was skill the first time I did this.” Silver Lining smiled and nodded,

“Of course,” the silver pony promised. “I will personally oversee the medical ponies that standby in case any danger begins to befall you.” Winter stepped forward.

“Don’t you think this would be more interesting if the pony in question contributed something as well?” she piped up. “While entertainment is well and good, the arena will desire danger.” She narrowed her cold eyes at Light Patch. “Have you any thoughts?”

Light Patch’s head whipped around to look at her incredulously, “Provide you with something?” He asked, his look changing to that of annoyance. “I’m already offering to stride into an arena with a water elemental armed with nothing but a straw, if even that.” His face shifted to anger. “Are you not entertained? What do you want me to do next, chew my own leg off next and beat an Ursa major to death with it next!? And then how about I shave my coat off, paint a bunch of blue stripes all over me, and charge uphill carrying a tree trunk to throw at the army on top of it! Or how abou-”

“Why don’t you convince your purple friend to participate in a little bout afterwards?” Winter suggested, a small smile curving her lips. “I believe he would be enthusiastic about cracking some heads for the masses.” Light Patch frowned in confusion.

“What makes you say that?” he asked cautiously. Silver Lining smiled and pointed.

“That,” he said simply. Light Patch turned his head to follow the royal’s outstretched hoof with his eyes. He immediately caught sight of his barbarian friend talking animatedly with a couple of young ponies. And if Light Patch was reading the faces of young nobles and gestures of his friend correctly, he was obviously retelling their fight with the bandits.

“Okay,” the stallion answered measuredly, “Not that it would be probably be hard, he’s always up for a little more practice as of recent. But if you want me to try and convince him to kiss you thats gonna be extra,” Light Patch said using what little snark he could muster. The blush on Winter’s light features was very apparent and she turned away, hiding her face. Bronze and Topaz chuckled at the unicorn’s reaction. Silver stepped towards Light Patch.

“I believe convincing your purple friend will be sufficient,” he decided, holding out a hoof. “A pleasure to finally meet you, Light Patch. I shall send a courier with the necessary information on when and where on the morrow.”

Light Patch took the hoof and politely shook it. “A pleasure to meet you too,” he lowered his voice so only the five could reasonably hear it. “And between us, see if you can get some of these other nobles to put some bits in on this action. If I’m gonna die during this, I don’t want my tombstone to say 'he died for a lot of money'. I want it to at least read 'he died for a frack tonne of money'.” The grey pegasus finished before letting go of the hoof shake. Over the course of the conversation, the smile had never left Silver’s face. It didn’t change now.

“Of course,” the earth pony said. “But I am certain that you won’t die. On occasion, I’m a gambler. I’ve no doubts about this venture.” He turned and left, taking the other three ponies with him. The blush had begun to fade from Winter’s cheeks, but was still vaguely present.

“Embarrassed much?” Bronze teased the white unicorn.

“Buzz off,” Winter hissed, parting from the group and trotting over to where Purple Heart was conversing politely with several other royals.

“Oh Magoo, you’ve done it again” Light Patch muttered to himself sighing before he set off into the crowd. He figured he should enjoy the ball as much as he could, because he knew his friends were gonna chew his ears off when he told them about this.

* * *

Light Patch plopped down on a bench and glanced around the room. There were only a couple of other arena combatants in the room at the moment. There was a fight currently running and a second one after that, then it would be his turn. The stallion gulped as the roar of cheering and stomping of hoofs signaled the end of the current fight. “One minute to midnight.” the grey pegasus muttered quietly.

“That's a little grim, isn’t it?” Spoke a familiar voice from behind the grey pegasus.

“Purple Heart?” the pegasus asked surprise in his voice as he turned to see his friend. “How did I miss you in this room?”

“I was behind those two,” Purple Heart said, motioning to two large gryphons in the room. “What are you doing in here? I didn’t expect to see any other’s from the group in here.”

“Yeah, well, somepony heard about an exploit of mine and they asked for me to give an attempt,” Light Patch responded, shrugging. “They put up enough reward for me to give it a shot.”

“What exploit was this? Throwing yourself at the mercy of your opponent?” the barbarian stallion asked cheekily.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. For your information, it was the whole drinking a water elemental to death thing,” Light Patch retorted. “Apparently, a bunch of nobles think it’s worth seeing if the massive pile of bits I got just for attempting it is anything to go by.” Before either could say more the arena attendant walked up to Light Patch.

“You’re up, I was told by a unicorn friend of yours to give you this.” The attendant said hoofing over a brightly colored straw full of loops. Light Patch took the straw and gave a nod of thanks to the attendant before turning to his friend.

“Well, any last moment tips?”

“When in doubt, sweep the leg,” the purple barbarian responded. “But seriously, good luck and be careful. Having one pony from our group in the arena at any given time is enough.” Light Patch grinned as he followed the attendant, the straw hanging from his mouth. He stopped just short of passing through the gate.

“And now for a surprise match, I have been informed that an adventurer by the name of Light Patch, will be...” The announcer paused as several unicorns began channeling magic in an effort to summon the elemental. “Will be attempting to defeat a water elemental, alone. By drinking it!” Light Patch. with his straw hanging from his mouth, pranced out into the arena using the noise from the crowd to try and psych himself up. He heard the summoning spell end and turned to face his opponent. Only to see a small mountain of water, before he could even form a question let alone give voice to it the mountain took a step forward.

The grey pegasus’ quickly followed the water up to the top finding a very angry looking face. The straw fell from his mouth as his jaw hit the floor. I’m going to need a bigger straw, he thought with a gulp.

* * *

Twilight glanced over towards Fluttershy as she got back from checking on Light Patch. “Well, how’s he doing?” She asked.

“Uhm, about as well as could be expected after what happened,” she quietly answered.

“Well, that's something,” Twilight replied bitterly. “I can’t believe he would do something so blatantly reckless, let alone to fight it in the way he did.”

“I can believe it,” Wits End snarked. “I’m just surprised he got away so easily.”

“Yeah, I gotta admit he’s surprisingly fast, ” Dash chimed in from her seat, “still not as fast as me, but I’d love to see what he could do without his armor and gear on.”

“An’ then he did the dumb thing and charged right back at it.” Applejack noted.

Wits shook his head and sighed. “I’ll give him one thing: I never would have thought of grappling a water elemental.” He paused for a moment. “Mostly because it seems like an incredibly suicidal plan, but he did think outside the box.”

“Waaaaay outside the box,” Pinkie chimed in. “I don’t think he could even see the box from how far outside of it he was thinking from it.” Twilight turned to look at her friends a small frown on her face.

“It still doesn’t excuse the fact he put himself at risk attempting such an absurd stunt.” She mentioned.

“He did win though,” Rainbow Dash noted. “You’ve gotta admit he did somehow pull through,” the rainbow maned pegasus sipped her drink. “somehow.”

“Ah’m more worried about what happens next,” Applejack muttered.

“What’d you mean?” Wits End asked.

“Well, ya see…” Applejack shifted uncomfortably. “Ah figure, Water Elemental’s gotta go somewhere after he drinks it-”

“I take it back,” Wits interrupted. “Let’s go back to thinking inside the box.” He turned to Fluttershy. “Do you think we should visit him? Or is it safer to give him some space for a while?”

“Well uhm, he was complaining of a slight stomach ache but considering all of what he drank,” the pegasus hesitated for a few seconds, “other than that he just seemed a little tired. though um,” The butter colored pegasus hesitated for a second, “it might be a good idea to not block his way to the bathroom. I guess we can visit him if you want, though if you do maybe you can help me convince him to stop trying to sleep on his pile of gold.”

“Hey yeah! I almost forgot about the gold we all got. Any of you got plans for what you might spend yours on?” Dash cut in.

“I was thinking of maybe buying some supplies to try out experimental rounds for my party cannon,” Pinkie mused.

“There was a fabric stall at the market that had some very nice and strong fabrics, I figured I could use them to spice my somewhat bland outfit up.” Rarity noted from her corner of the table.

“I’ll be holding on to mine,” Wits said. “I know how RPGs work. The moment I buy something, I’ll find a better version of it for free in the next dungeon.”

“Um, Twilight?” Fluttershy quietly chimed in, getting Twilight’s attention, “I think I can answer an earlier question of yours. I think he fought that thing for us, I mean we don’t really have to worry so much about money for a while or at least being ill equipped.”

Twilight considered that idea for a few moments and was about to respond when the sounds of scrambling hooves from above cut her off. The group turned to the stairs in time to see Light Patch sprinting down the the stairs. “Make a hole!” the stallion shouted rushing through the tavern’s first floor, it’s patrons jumping out of the way in surprise. The grey pegasus disappeared into the bathroom.

The mares and Wits End blinked.

“Nope,” Applejack said shortly. “Not even gonna imagine.”

“Agreed,” the other six ponies chorused.

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Purple Heart, Wits End

BECAUSE MONGOLS ARE THE EXCEPTION!

Muscles torqued. Jaws clenched. Hoofs stamped. The throne room of the castle at the center of Gallopilli was silent as Boomer and his guard stood in the doorway, glaring venomously at the ponies standing by the throne. Amber sat on the great chair, her eyes bright with fear, but hard with fury. Twilight stood to one side, magic fizzing around her as she stared at the newcomers. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy hovered above the throne, one with a look of a aggressive displeasure etched into her features while the other winced at the tense and violent vibes within the room.

Rarity and Applejack stood on the steps below the throne, their eyes dark with disgust. Pinkie Pie was bouncing on the other side of the throne, eager to spread joy (punches) and cheer (high-yield confetti bombs). Of the ponies protecting the newly crowned ruler of Gallopilli, the three stallions on the floor before her were in the most interesting postures.

Light Patch stood on his hind legs, his warhammer resting on his shoulders as he stared lazily at Boomer. Purple Heart had both legs crossed as he leaned against the stairs leading up to the throne, his posture relaxed and unassuming. Wits End stood with his body facing the throne while his head was twisted over his shoulder, performing the obligatory head-shaft-tilt maneuver.

Silence…

Boomer took one step forward…

The ponies tensed for the coming conflict…

...Until a horn sounded in the distance.

The doors to the throne room exploded in a hail of splinters as several horses charged into the room. The sounds of a hundred and more hooves echoed through the stone room louder than thunder. Without warning the sound faded seemingly as quick as it began. The cloud of dust thrown up by the invaders quickly disappeared as they held still. Revealing a horde of horses kited for battle. Of more surprise to the gathered ponies was the tall lanky beings riding on the horse's backs.

“You horses and your pets have no place in my throne room,” Boomer said staring down the collected interlopers.

Amber and the Mane six exchanged glances between themselves unsure if they should be more worried about the hordes intentions or the strange unknown creatures that accompanied the horde.

“I’m going to ask a question,” Wits End began turning to look at his pink and brown maned friend, “and you’re going to answer it. You will do so without any smarmy comments or sarcastic notes.” the grey pegasus nodded. “Are those what I’m terrified they they might be?”

“If we’re thinking the same thing you are than yes, yes those are,” Light Patch gulped. “The Mongols.”

As if that had been a call to arms the Mongols swarmed forward engulfing Boomer and the bandit’s he’d bring with him. The nobles in the pressed against the walls as the Mongols quickly and brutally subdued Boomer and his henchponies. Barely a minute later Boomer lay slack in the grasp of two Mongol captors as their leader approached Amber’s throne.

“This usurper is yours to deal with,” he said looking at Amber, “normally we would deal with him ourselves.”

Amber gulped and nodded. “Now that you’ve dealt with him, what do you plan to do with the rest of us.” She said looking around the room at her friends and the gathered nobles.

“Normally we would offer you a chance to surrender to our rule,” Amber tensed and the royal guard prepared to fight. “But right now we wish to simply return to the world from which we came. And as such we shall be hunting for the powerful being known to us as Discord.”

“We might be of some service as we have a few qualms with Discord as well.” Purple heart spoke up.

“We certainly know enough about him.” Wits End agreed.

The mane six looked at the colt trio in horror at their willingness to go along with the strange and barbaric beings.

Light Patch circled the Mongol’s leader carefully observing him for a few minutes before sitting down with a thump and glaring up at the leader. “Why do you guys get to stay human and we get turned into ponies?” He grumbled.

The leader shrugged, “Perhaps we’re the exception?”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Holiday Special Chapter: The Dice Roll Before Christmas

“YAYS~!” Pinkie Pie squealed, tossing a clump of powder snow into the air. “It’s Hearth’s Warming Day! We get to give out presents, eat sweets, make snowponies, have epic snowball fights, and then laze around after stuffing ourselves!”

“If I need a bloat herder, I’m calling for you,” Purple Heart stated, pointing at Light Patch. “You’re qualified.”

The grey pegasus sighed, his Santa hat cocked jauntily to one side. “Sure,” Light Patch replied before looking serious. “But you’d better be walking on your own power. I ain’t dragging your flank anywhere unless I absolutely have to. And if I do, I’m hitting every pothole I can.” Purple Heart sniffed.

“That’s after sushi,” the purple barbarian countered. “I can ration myself on normal occasions… Sometimes.”

“I could just roll you both down a hill,” Wits End piped up, his voice muffled as his head was buried under presents beneath the tree. “Save you both the trouble. Also, help.”

“Enough,” Twilight called, pulling the minty pinto out from under the presents by his tail, eliciting a yip of surprise and pain. “We’re going to pass out presents now.” The rest of the Mane Six dashed from other parts of the small hut they sat in, assembling themselves in a rough half circle around the tree. The colts plopped themselves beside each other opposite the mares, claiming their positions as present passers.

“Okay,” Twilight called. “Who wants to go first?” Rarity raised her hoof. Having claimed the center of attention, the white unicorn reached behind her and pulled out a crisply wrapped package with a bow placed perfectly on top.

“I have Applejack’s gift,” she declared, gripping the package with her magic before passing it to the orange earth pony. The group watched as Applejack eyed the package and Rarity for a few seconds.

“Well, go on dear, open it.” Rarity said with a small wave of her hoof.

“It’s not a dress is it?” Applejack cautiously asked prompting Rarity to give a small smile and shake of her head. “It’s not a fancy hair scrunchy is it?” Rarity’s smile grew larger. “It had better not be a-”

“Oh, get on with it!” the three colts yelled at the same time to the shock of the six mares. Applejack grudgingly opened the package and pulled out a clean, pristine rope, much to her surprise.

“You’re welcome dear. I had noticed how ratty and tattered your old rope was getting, and I thought you’d like something that probably didn’t taste of dirt, sweat, and Celestia knows what else,” Rarity finished.

Pinkie Pie vibrated excitedly. “Ooh! Me next, me next! Go on, Rarity! Try to guess which one is from me!” The purple-maned mare reached out to the pile. “No, not that one!” the pink party pony proclaimed, resulting in a raised eyebrow from Rarity before she reached for another gift. “Not that one either! Or that one, that one that one… There!”

“Are you quite sure?” Rarity asked in a tone somewhere between a sigh and actual concern.

“Yep! That one’s a good choice. I’m glad you chose it entirely on your own!” Pinkie watched with pride as Rarity examined the wrapping job, taking into account the size and weight of the package, the color and pattern of the wrapping paper, the design of the bow, the-

“OPEN IT!” the party mare shrieked, startling both the recipient, the rest of the group, and the narrator.

Rarity peeled the paper off in one clean motion to reveal a carefully folded bolt of fabric. The fashionista’s eyes widened. “Is this…”

“It’s some really pretty silk, isn’t it?” Pinkie asked with a grin.

“Pretty nothing!” Rarity held the silk at leg’s length, her eyes alight. “This is hoof-woven spider’s silk! I’ve never seen anything like it! Look at it!” She shoved the fabric into the closest pony’s face, which happened to be Light Patch. “Feel its texture! It’s like it’s been woven from a single strand!”

Light Patch’s response was muffled by the silk until he pushed it and Rarity’s hoof from his face. “It is very nice, and likely was woven from a single strand. If that is Aracholsid silk, in any case.”

“Mash ‘O’ to show of the better features of this product,” Purple Heart chuckled.

“My turn,” Twilight said, ignoring the purple earth pony. “Here, Fluttershy. I got you this.” The purple alicorn hoofed over a wrapped package; not as neatly done as Rarity’s, but not the worst. The yellow pegasus received the gift and smiled in thanks before tearing the paper gently. The wrappings fell away, drifting to the floor unnoticed as Fluttershy stared at the book in her hooves.

“Vale Blossom's Guidebook to the Wildlife of Roania,” she read, looking up at Twilight. “Thank you!” Fluttershy blushed and cradled the book to her chest. She turned to look at Rainbow Dash. “Um, here. I saw this in a store and I thought it’d be perfect for you,” she said, pushing a package towards the blue pegasus.

The aforementioned blue pegasus floated over and grabbed the package before tearing into the package with gusto, causing bits of the wrapping to fly everywhere. She hovered in the air for a few seconds before sitting down, looking at the book in her hooves. “Roania Jill?” She asked questioningly.

“I saw it in a store and thought it was a biography, but after I read a bit I thought it was kind of similar to Daring Do. So, I got it because I thought you’d like it,” Fluttershy said still hugging her book.

“Thanks, Shy,” Rainbow Dash said, smiling at the yellow pegasus. She turned to look at Twilight. “Your’s is next to Wits.” Twilight arched an eyebrow, glancing to where the minty pinto sat beside his compatriots. A package was partially hidden behind his flank.

“Could you pass that to me?” the princess of Friendship inquired.

Wits lay a hoof on the package. “No. It’s mine now. It’s in Wits’ Territory.” Twilight glared at him, an eye twitching with suppressed irritation.

“Give.”

“Say the magic word and claim your prize.”

“...Please?”

“There, was that so difficult?” Wits End wrapped his magic around the package and lifted it over to Twilight, plopping it beside her.

“Sort of,” she grumbled. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” the minty unicorn said. Twilight unwrapped the gift and smiled slightly at the book in her hooves.

“Magic Through Roania,” she read before looking up at at Rainbow Dash. “Thank you.”

Light Patch leaned over to the unicorn colt. “Shoulda held out for at least an alakazam or abrakadabra. Maybe a Mew at the least.”

“Nah, I have self-preservation instincts,” Wits End replied.

“It would’ve been funny though,” Purple Heart said.

“You’re the punching bag,” the pinto unicorn retorted. He opened his mouth to continue, but paused. “Well, both of you are. Light Patch in Rarity’s case, Purple Heart in regard to every enemy ever.”

“Hey!” Light Patch shouted while jumping up and earning a glare from Applejack, whom he’d interrupted. “I resent that remark. I-” He was then interrupted by a kick from Rarity. “I sit corrected.” he said, rubbing the spot he’d been kicked as Rarity signaled for Applejack to go.

“This one’s for you, Pinkie,” Applejack said pointing towards one. With a shriek of pure joy, the pink pony pounced on the package from across the room before she picked it up with her front hoofs and began to slowly and carefully take the tape off the package without ripping the paper. The group sat dumfounded for a few seconds before Wits End finally spoke up.

“Pinkie? Are you okay?” he asked. The pink earth pony looked at Wits, cocking her head to one side.

“‘Course I am,” she chirped. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re opening that,” Wits gulped, “almost reverently and with ridiculous care. What happened to ripping the paper to get to the goodies as fast as possible?”

“It was a joke. Well, it started with a joke. I wanted to see how long until one of you reacted, but then I got focusing on whether or not I could actually do it without ripping the paper. And then I got thinking about this time when I was wrapping a present an-”

Wits End groaned. “OPEN THE PRESENT ALREADY! You’re breaking my brain with this meticulous act! Get on with it!”

“Oh! Right!” the mare said remembering the present held in her hooves. If the way Rainbow Dash opened a present could be said to parallel a bomb of wrapping paper going off, then Pinkie’s method following a similar analogy would be akin to a nuke of wrapping paper. Once the dust had cleared, the group could see the pink mare sitting there holding a bunch of rubber ducks tied together so they were all compressed.

The Colt Trio stared at the construct, their eyes widening in fear.

“Oh no,” Wits End gulped.

“Oooooh! I wonder how to turn it on,” Pinkie Pie gushed, reaching for the cord that held the little bomb together.

“Hit the deck!” Purple Heart cried. The other five mares blinked in surprise as the three colts bolted to hide themselves; Purple Heart behind the couch the mares lay on, Light Patch under a table, and Wits back under the tree.

Pinkie Pie pulled the cord, releasing the rubber fowl…

A mournful cry rang through the room. The Mane Six blinked as they listened, unsure of how to react. When the last of the rubber fowl fell silent, they looked at each other before breaking into peals of laughter. The colts reappeared, awestruck at the mares.

“They’re mad,” Purple Heart whispered.

“I think you’re right,” Wits said.

“If they weren’t before, they must be now,” Light Patch said, waving his hoof in front of a frozen Fluttershy. “Lo! For the heroes were laid to rest as they heard the mournful cry of-”

“That was amazing! Let’s do it again!” Pinkie shouted, starting to gather them up.

“No!” the colts squeaked. “We still have to give out our gifts to ourselves.”

“Oh yeah!” Pinkie hummed. She put her rubber ducks aside and looked expectantly at the three colts. The rest of the mares followed suit, watching them.

Purple Heart sighed and grabbed a gift. “Here, Wits, for juh mien komrade.” He passed the wrapped package to the minty pinto. Wits took it with his magic and nodded to the purple earth pony.

“Danke, komrade,” he replied. “Now, let’s see what sort of joke you got me-” A rattle of soot came down the chimney catching the attention of all of the ponies. More fell as if something was coming down the chimney; the six mares were completely befuddled. The colts simply glanced at each other, all three with a strong idea of who it might be.

Before they could put voice to their thoughts, a figure burst through the fireplace. “Grand strategy is your game, a historical, ahistorical paradox~” the figure sang out of tune and out of order. The large bag it held flopped to the floor allowing the group to view Discord dressed in what the colts knew as a Santa outfit. To the mares, it was simply a red suit trimmed with white. A rather tacky outfit if one bothered to ask Rarity.

“Ho ho ho~!” Discord crowed. “Merry Christmas, Hearth’s Warming, Yuletide to all! I bring gifts for the good little colts!” Light Patch, Wits End, and Purple Heart blanched, immediately wary of what Discord had brought for them.

“For Purple Heart!” Discord began to dig around in the bag. “Oh, you’ll love this. I saw these and I couldn’t not think of you. You’ve always been going on about that stupid glove.” Discord began to mimic talking with his free hand, “Glove this and Glove that, glove glove glove glove, glove. So, I got you this,” Discord said, pulling out a box of disposable blue latex gloves. “Be careful. They come out two by two.”

Purple Heart stared at the gloves in silence before taking on and snapping it over his mane like a hat. “I am the penguin. Fear me. Gimme the trousers.” Then he broke down and began to whimper. “Blasted bleeding bollucks barking baktard boomville! HAAAAATE~!”

“Enjoy!” Discord cried, ignoring the purple barbarian’s suffering. “Now for Wits End!” Again, he reached into the sack, this time up to his shoulder. It was plain to see he was pulling a Mary Poppins. With an almighty grunt, he pulled a pair of nondescript sunglasses from his bag. A cheery grin on his face, he handed the glasses to Wits End. “A personalized pair of Sonic Sunglasses! See? There’s your name etched into the frame!”

Wits End took the glasses with his magic, squinting to read the engraving. He licked his lips as he turned the glasses over, examining the very fine quality of the worksponyship in the replica. He then took the glasses in both hooves and began chewing on them like a mad dog with a particularly dangerous bone, growling something about ‘a stupid replacement for a screwdriver’ and ‘plotholes the size of Celestia’s flank’ and ‘eye gunk is not a good villain’.

Discord cleared his throat. “And last but not least-” He paused, raising a thoughtful claw to his chin. “Well, let’s just stick with ‘last’, shall we? The incredible, critable, Light Patch!” He upturned the sack, squeezing it from bottom to top like a tube of festive toothpaste. At the last moment before the sack would have been ‘empty’, a white t-shirt fell out, which Discord snatched back up before it could hit the ground. “This is great. Check this out. On the back, it’s got a diagram of where to hit for the most damage, and on the front,” he flipped the shirt over, “it’s got this giant target! It’s even laminated so you can slide further when you throw yourself at the enemy!” He grinned a toothy, smug grin. “Truly, I am the best at presents.”

Light Patch stared down at the shirt, his right eye twitching. The mares froze as Light Patch grabbed the shirt and began shaking it while screaming for a few moments, before he then flipped the nearest scraps of wrapping and boxes into the air. He breathed heavily for a few seconds before looking at the shirt and having to fight acknowledging that it was the slightest bit funny. Then he balled the shirt up and threw it at Discord. “It’s not funny, Discord,” he said flatly. The mares had stood mostly frozen during the whole event, surprised as this was the first time they had seen Light Patch legitimately angry.

“Jah,” Purple Heart agreed, playing with his glove-hat. “It isn’t. We had perfectly fine gifts for each other. Then you went and carped it all up. I HAD A LUCHS FOR LIGHT FOR CARP’S SAKE! HOW COULD YOU MESS THAT UP?!”

“Wait, you guys actually got good gifts?” Wits held the scratched and chewed sunglasses in the corner of his mouth as he spoke. “I got you guys matching tabards that said ‘left wall’ and ‘right wall’ on the front. Still, this?” He spat out one of the lenses. “Not funny.”

“I got Wits End a couple of new magic scrolls, and I got you a-” Light Patch froze as he looked at Purple Heart. “Wait, how did you get a Luchs here? Where would you even buy one? I-” He was interrupted when Discord threw the shirt back at the pegasus, hitting him in the face.

“Is this really how you treat an old friend, giving you paw-and-claw-picked gifts?” Discord crossed his arms. “I spent so much time finding the perfect gifts for you three!” A large clock face appeared on the Draconequus’ wrist, with all thirteen times relabeled as ‘so much’. “And honestly! Crying? Biting? Throwing? I thought you three were better trained than this!”

“What are we?” Wits asked. “Dogs?” He spat out the other chewed-up lense and moved on to ruining one of the earpieces.

Fluttershy tapped the mint-colored stallion on the shoulder. “Why are you doing that?”

“I take issue with poor writing.”

“I’m one to laugh at myself, but I’m getting really sick of this little joke,” Light Patch said, pointing at the guaranteed crit zones on the shirt. “And could you have found a shirt any bigger?! I could wear this as a dress. Silence, Rarity.”

“Did you really come here just to give us troll gifts?” Purple Heart sighed, “or do you have a miniboss hiding somewhere in that poppins bag of yours?”

Discord pouted dramatically. “Well, before you three decided to be so rude, my answer would’ve been ‘no, I came here out of the kindness of my heart’. But now?” He sniffed, a tear the size, shape, and consistency of a small apple forming in the corner of his eye. “Now I’m disinclined to acquiesce your continued armistice.” He paused for a moment, watching the assembled ponies process his words. “Means yes. Boss battle time!”

Before any of the mares could voice an opinion or try to calm the situation down, an even larger gap was made in the side of a house and a massive creature barged through. A fake beard half hung from its face, the red and white trimmed outfit was ripped in several places. It roared and used its long claws to rend gaps through the floor. On the top of of the yellow skinned creature sat a several-sizes-too-small Santa hat from which a single silver bell jingled as the hat shook. It locked eyes on the colts and roared as text appeared above it. “Boss Approaching, Christmas Rancor: Sandy Claws.”

The silence was broken with Wits End turning stiffly to glare at Purple Heart. “You just had to ask, didn’t you?” he growled. “This is how we got into this mess in the first place.

“Sorry,” Purple Heart mumbled, cracking his neck. “The ways of pissing ponies and chaotic beings is a habit of mine. Discord knows I do it enough to you and Light.”

“Eeyup,” Discord confirmed. “Well, have fun.” He stepped out through the hole in the fireplace and jogged into the snowy night.

Light Patch finishing tying the T-shirt around his hammer so the big target was on the face of his warhammer. “Dibs on the hat,” he said before jumping into the air, swinging at the boss, the Mane Six and his colt compatriots close behind.

* * *

The bell on the end of the slightly battle damaged Santa hat rang as Light Patch bobbed his head in time with the songs he was humming, while helping Applejack put up a beam to support the hut’s new roof.

“So, uh...” Wits cleared his throat as he held a patch of cloth over the hole for Rarity to sew closed. “That happened.”

“Wits.” Twilight eyed the crude antlers the mint-colored unicorn had made from the former boss’ fangs, which he was now wearing on a spare headband. “Take those off.”

Wits held the headband with one hoof. “No, I shan’t. It’s Christmas.”

“You know,” Purple Heart hummed as he dragged the Santa Rancor out of the rubble of the hut and into the open snow, “you’d think we would have beaten this thing with a more original method. I mean, come on. Dropping the roof on it? Lame. Cliche. We even threw a rock for carp’s sake.”

“At least we didn’t try to strangle it with chains or throw it into a massive pit of teeth and hunger,” Light Patch said, holding a beam up as Applejack nailed it back into place. “Shame about the tree though,” he said while looking at its splintered remains.

“I wonder if I could make some high end armour out of its hide...” Purple Heart mused. “Or perhaps sell it.” He trotted back to the hut and began to shove the furniture back into place. “Eh, I’ll find out tomorrow. We’ve had a rough day. Gift giving, getting trolled by Discord, hammered by a rancor… I’m bushed.”

“I’ll have to remember to thank Discord for the new hat though,” the pegasus, said giving the bell a mighty jingle. “All in all, I’d say this was a fairly decent Christmas day. What say you, oh short and minty one?” Light Patch asked, looking at his friend.

Wits nodded, holding Twilight back from removing his new headgear. “I’d call it pretty good. Two out of three of us got hats.” He thought for a moment. “We should definitely remember to… ‘thank’ Discord properly later.”

“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed, settling on one of the couches. “A very merry Christmas, happy Yule, Hearth’s Warming, and so on and so forth to all. And to all a good-” A snore rumbled through Purple Heart’s nose as he fell asleep.

“Jerk,” Rainbow grinched. “He’s leaving us to do all the work.”

“Don’t you worry your little prismatic head Rainbow. I’ve got a few bolts of fabric, plenty of nails and a wicked plan,” the grey pegasus replied, an evil smirk on his face. “We shall see what dances in one’s head as they sleep upon the ceiling so merry,” he continued in a more poetic tone of voice.

Wits chuckled. “Well, I think we’ve learned a very important lesson in this.”

“What’s that?” Twilight asked.

“The true meaning of Christmas…” Wits lowered his voice into a gravelly growl, “...is pain.” He coughed. “That hurt my throat. Must be Christmas.”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

WHAT IS THIS?! [Pony 06]

The Mane Six plus three colts walked down from the castle steps, chatting amongst themselves. Out of absolutely nowhere, three strange figures materialized before them. The nine ponies trotted to a halt and frowned at the shadowy figures, curious as to why a mist had formed on such a fine sunny day.

“Prepare for trouble!” a snow-colored stallion said, cloak flapping dramatically in the breeze.

“Make it double!” the tall bipedal figure continued, its gray skin reflecting a dull sheen in the brilliant sunlight.

“To protect the world from devastation!”

“To unite all ponies within our nation!”

“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”

“To extend our reach to the stars above!”

The stallion posed, a rose held in his teeth. “Holdfast!”

The gray-skinned figure moved to stand back to back with the stallion. “Bael!”

A massive letter ‘V’ rose from the ground behind them, shining bright in the backlit fog. “Team Villains,” Holdfast continued, leaning against the ‘V’, “blasting off at the speed of light!’

Bael folded his arms across his chest and gave a crooked grin that was seriously out of place on his craggy features. “Surrender now or prepare to fight!”

“Why am I the one who had to wear these cat pajamas?” asked Just Duty as he came out of a conveniently placed bush.

“Because you’re the only one it fits and Holdfast said ‘not it’!” Bael replied promptly. Just Duty grumbled something under his breath as he assumed a pose.

“Meowth, that’s right,” he deadpanned.

The nine adventurers stared in complete silence as a giant scorpion reared up behind the trio, screeching at the top of its arachnid lungs. “SCOR-PI-ON!”

“Did-” Wits blinked, one eyebrow raised almost up into his mane. “Did that just- Did that just happen?”

“I’m afraid so,” Light Patch said looking at them with barely concealed concern.

“Whadaheck is going on?” Purple Heart asked weakly. “Why is this happening to us?” He turned to Wits End, his face a mask of pleading sorrow. “Can we please do it?” The Mane Six looked on, rather interested in how their three friends would react to this absurd situation.

“Hold on a sec,” Wits End said, holding out a forehoof. “Let’s see how this plays out.”

Holdfast chuckled. “You didn’t expect us to attack so soon, did you! Now you’re caught off guard and at our mercy!”

“They truly are, aren’t they?” Bael mused. “This is by far the best idea we’ve had to date!”

Fluttershy raised a forehoof. “Um, excuse me? Can I, maybe, ask you a question?”

“Oh?” Holdfast thought for a moment. “One last question before your imminent demise! Go ahead, speak the last words you’ll ever say!”

“Well…” Fluttershy shifted uncomfortably. “Um… Why-”

“Why’d you guys jump out and do that whole thing?” Pinkie Pie interrupted, pushing her way to the front of the group. “Why didn’t you go straight to the attacking part? You had the element of,” she pulled out an inflated paper bag and popped it for emphasis, “surprise!”

“I’m fairly certain that's on the Evil Overlords list somewhere too.” Light Patch muttered to himself thinking back.

Holdfast blinked, staring blankly at the ponies in front of him. “Uh…”

“Erm.” Bael furrowed his brow in concentration. “Eh… Why didn’t we go straight to attacking?” He posed this question to his two compatriots. The resounding sound of hoof on flesh echoed around the immediate area as Purple Heart facehoofed.

“Hey,” Just Duty said looking at the other two while shrugging out of the pajamas., “don’t look at me. I was against this whole thing in the first place. I suggested we just straight up take them out.”

“Now? Please? Can we?” Purple Heart begged, looking to Wits End. The Mane Six blinked in surprise at the purple barbarian’s tone.

Wits thought for a moment, scratching his chin. “Mmm… Sure, now’s a good time. Wanna start us off, Patchy?”

Light Patch sat there staring at the three apparent villains, not really feeling anything bubbling up. “I… I”M DONE!, I’M FREAKING DONE!” the pegasus suddenly busted out shouting and throwing his hooves into the air.

“THIS IS BULLSHRIMP!” Wits exclaimed, screaming in unexplained hysteria. “THIS IS FREAKING BULLSHRIMP!”

“WHAT IS THIS?!” Purple Heart screamed, throwing his hooves forward towards the villains.

“WHAT IS THIS?” Light Patch echoed.

“WHAT IS MY LIFE!” Wits turned to the Mane Six, tears welling up in his eyes. “I CAN’T DO IT, GUYS!”

“I CAN’T FREAKIN’ DO IT ANYMORE!” Light Patch continued tears dropping like rain.

“Well, I’ll tell you what, boys!” Pinkie Pie screeched, stepping forward to berate the screaming colts. “You can give up up now or you can keep it up, because we can’t do it without you, and I know you can’t do it without us!”

Purple Heart inhaled deeply before retorting. “We appreciate it... BUT LOOK WHAT WE’RE DEALIN’ WITH PINKIE!”

“Uh-” Twilight began to speak but got cut off.

“YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!” Wits interrupted, drawing a literal line in the dirt with his hoof.
Applejack flinched. “Guys, we-”

“YOU GOTTA DRAW THE FREAKING LINE IN THE SAND, DUDE!” Light Patch wailed throwing his forelegs out at the line Wits End drew.

Fluttershy lifted a hoof. “But what-”

“YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT!” Purple Heart snapped. “YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY ’WHAT ARE WE WILLING TO PUT UP WITH TODAY?’”

“NOT FRACKING THIS!!” the trio of colts bawled in unison. The Mane Six reeled back at the rant. None of them, especially not the Colt Trio, noticed the three pitiful villains sneak away.

“I underestimated how absolutely insane they are,” Holdfast muttered, keeping low to the ground as they retreated.

“Indeed,” Bael agreed. “They are truly not of this world.”

“I believe fighting them would be rather poor for our health,” Just Duty said glancing behind him while also trying to stay low and hard to spot. “You know, I hear the continent on the other side of the world is nice this time of the year. Perhaps we should relocate to there and leave them to burn this place down themselves?”

Holdfast nodded. “I agree. With those three here, this continent will likely burst into flames.”

“Seconded,” Bael called. “Leave these ponies to their rants and such. Let’s go next door. I hear they have 3D hedgehogs there.”

The three villain’s glanced back towards where the three stallions had been left, “Looks like Team Villain's sneaking off again~” they whispered in unison sneaking towards the nearest port.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Wits End &: Fighting

Wits End glanced up from his breakfast, toast hanging loosely in his mouth. “Say what now?”

“The Coliseum,” Purple Heart said plainly. “You’re gonna fight in it.”

“It’ll be fun, I’m sure,” Light Patch agreed.

Wits blinked, staring blankly at the two stallions. “Um… no?”

Purple Heart rolled his eyes. “Come on, the both of us have already done it! You’ve got to do it too!”

“But isn’t Patchy’s fight non-canon?”

The purple barbarian snorted as he waved a hoof dismissively. “Phfft. No-pony’ll know until the last minute.”

“Listen.” Light Patch placed his hooves on the table, leaning in front of the unicorn. “We both know you’re gonna fight.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. “And why’s that?” he asked, pushing him away.

“Because if you don’t, we’ll be uneven.”

Wits’ eye twitched. “I don’t-”

“Three stallions,” Purple Heart said smugly. “Equal in caliber, but only two have fought in the Gallopilli Coliseum.”

A tic twitched in Wits End’s cheek. “Ghk. Fine! I’ll fight in the stupid coliseum!” He stood and marched toward the door, grumbling under his breath. Behind him, the two stallions bumped hooves.

* * *

It was a simple process to sign up for the arena. Since Wits End wasn’t fighting for his life or the amusement of a group of bored nobles, he had been stuck in as a walk-on fighter. He’d be fighting a single other walk-on until one of them yielded, or was unable to keep fighting.

The mint-colored stallion took a few experimental swings of his sword at a straw dummy. “Haven’t used this thing in a while,” he muttered.

Worst case scenario, he thought, striking at the target, I can surrender as soon as the other guy shows up. I’m not getting the stuffing beaten out of me for nothing. He took running swing, slicing the dummy’s ‘foreleg’ clean off. “That’s pretty anime,” he thought aloud.

“Not bad.”

Wits End turned to see a lilac mare watching him from a safe distance; her leather armor seemingly at odds with her well maintained wings and neatly trimmed deep-blue mane. A thin blade sat in its scabbard at her side; a loop of metal attached to the handle just the perfect size for a hoof.

“I do my best,” he said, sheathing his own sword with a small flourish.

The mare smiled, looking him over from cap to cloak. “I didn’t expect to see a wizard in the arena,” she said. She held out a hoof. “Merryweather Skies, walk-on fighter.”

“I blame friends and peer pressure.” Wits shook the offered hoof, making note of the polish on the young pegasus’ hooves. “Wits End, likewise. If you don’t mind me asking, but for a gladiator, you seem a bit…”

“Cheerful?” Merryweather offered. “Lithe? Untested?”

“I was gonna say ‘clean’.”

Merryweather chuckled. “That’s because this is my first match.” Her hoof moved as if to brush her mane, but stopped as she noticed it and forced it back to the floor. “Family tradition says I’ve got to fight in battle at least once. I figured the coliseum would be safer than finding a war somewhere.”

Wits End frowned. “Only marginally. Do you have to win?”

“No, thank goodness.” The mare thought for a moment. “Although, it would make things easier for me with my father. My older brothers lost their first fights, and… well, let’s just say it’s been hard for them to get any help from the old man.” Merryweather shrugged noncommittally. “What about you? You said something about friends?”

“Yeah…” Wits End sighed, once again cursing his obsession with evenness. “Both of my friends have already fought. My inner daemons demand that I do the same.” He saw the look of worry and confusion on the mare’s face. “Not literally. Metaphor.”

Merryweather’s shoulders relaxed with the assurance. “Oh good. Who are your friends? Maybe I’ve seen them fight.”

“Well, one of them I don’t think I can do justice to.” Wits shuttered. “Or want to try for that matter. Purple Heart, though-”

“Wait, Purple Heart?” Merryweather’s eyes lit up. “The barbarian stallion who hasn’t lost any of his fights?”

Wits End stopped. “Well, he’s gotten the everloving- He’s taken quite the beating, but yeah, that’s him.” He raised an eyebrow. “You’re not a fan, are you?”

“What? No no! It’s just so rare that anypony gets as far in the coliseum as he has without losing! I mean, with his strength and his skills, he could probably take on the Royal Guard without a problem, especially with that Jan Ken Hufu attack of his!” A blush crossed Merryweather’s face as she realized how excited her voice had gotten. “Well, maybe I’m a bit of a fan.”

“You hide it well,” Wits deadpanned.

“You can hardly blame me. I’ve been watching fights all week in preparation of my turn. He’s the only one who’s been winning who isn’t built like a rhino or has the personality of pond scum.” She shook her head. “Anyway, let’s move on from that, okay? Do you plan on using magic in the arena?”

If I could, then I would, Wits thought. But like in that fight with the scorpion, I can’t exactly ‘Learning’ them into submission. “I kinda assumed magic was off limits during a fight.”

Merryweather shook her head. “The fights are pretty much no-holds-barred when it comes to walk-ons. As long as you’re not throwing killing curses or threatening the crowd, you can do whatever you want.”

“Hmm… Good to know.” Not so useful for me, unless the other guy has some skill I can copy. “What kind of fighters are there in the pool? Do you know?”

“Let’s see…” Merryweather thought for a moment. “The quite a few walk-ons for today. I think the mix is pretty even, so there’s no way to tell who you’d get matched with.” She chuckled. “Of course, the chances of you and me fighting have got to be pretty slim, don’t you think?”

Wits End started to laugh, only to stop suddenly. “I get the feeling Light Patch is shouting something about Murphy again…”

Now it was Merryweather’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “Light Patch? The guy who drank-”

“The less time spent on that, the better.” The sound of cheering from above them drowned out the noise around them. “Something’s going on up there.”

“Sounds like the current fight is over.” Merryweather stretched her forelegs. “I’m gonna go try and relax before my name’s called. Good luck with your match!”

“And good luck to you!” Wits waved as the lilac mare trotted away. After a moment, he turned back to the training dummy, looking at the severed ‘foreleg’ on the floor. “I sure hope I don’t have to pay for that…”

* * *

“FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS!” the announcer declared as the last combatants either trotted or were dragged from the battlefield. “Put your hooves together for our next pair of fighters! First: he might not be the biggest fighter, but he’s got the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the horn of a mighty narwhal! Please welcome Wits End!”

Wits End trotted out on to the field, shooting a glare at the narrator’s box. “WHO’RE YOU CALLING A MICRO-MIDGET SO SMALL HE NEEDS A LADDER TO REACH A DOOR HANDLE?!” he ranted, his words drowned out by the already-hyped crowd. “Whatever,” he muttered. “Who am I fighting, then?”

“And our second contender! This family is a constant companion with the arena. Rain or shine, foul or fair: Merryweather Skies!”

Wits End’s jaw dropped as the lithe young mare waved a hoof at him. “You have got to be kidding.”

Merryweather drew her blade, raising it in a salute with a smile. “Don’t think I’ll take it easy on you just ‘cause we know each other!” she called across the arena.

Wits sighed, drawing his own sword and saluting with a flourish. “I should’ve seen this coming…”

“Two fighters enter!” the announcer was saying, as the gates closed behind them. “Only one can leave the victor! Elysium or Tartarus. Let’s rock! Begin!”

Merryweather flared her wings out and took off, launching herself blade-first at the pinto unicorn. With an exclamation halfway between a yelp and a squawk, Wits threw himself to one side, sending up a cloud of dust as he tumbled away.. “What’re you trying to do?” he shouted. “Skewer me?”

“That’s the point of a fight!” Merryweather replied, sliding to a stop. “A pony who strikes fast strikes first!” She punctuated her sentence by launching herself at the unicorn again, piercing through his cloak. “Whoops, might’ve gone too fa- Huh?”

Wits’ empty cloak slid off of Merryweather’s blade, falling to the ground at her hooves. The mint-colored stallion stood a few steps away, now clad only in his silk shirt and breeches. “Alright then,” he said calmly, tossing his hat to one side with his magic. “Let’s. Get. Dangerous.

The two ponies leapt at each other. Merryweather lunged at the center of Wits’ chest, only to have her thinner blade batted away as he raised his curved sword over his head. Wits was about to strike at the mare when she flapped her wings, kicking a blinding cloud of dust up as she retreated upwards. “Good to see you can fight against more than straw dummies,” Merryweather quipped.

Wits picked up his cloak, frowning at the hole the pegasus’ point had made in it. “I’d hate to disappoint,” he returned, flinging the blue garment up at the hovering mare.

Merryweather swiped at the cloak, splitting it in down the back. “You’ll have to do better than that! You’ll never hit me up he-” Her eyes went wide as a mint-colored missile slammed into her, the two of them falling to the ground in a mass of tangled limbs; their blades sticking point-first into the ground further away. “How?”

“All warfare is based on deception,” Wits said with a grin, tightening his grip on the mare’s sword hoof. He mentally thanked the random number gods for whatever help they’d given him on that jump check. “Seems like pegasi aren’t use to fighting somepony who can reach them, eh?”

Merryweather growled. She pulled her wings free, flaring them out to either side. “Crimson Sky!” Her wings glowed faintly red, and she spun in Wits’ grasp; her wing feathers leaving cuts where they hit.

Wits End held in a groan of pain, scrambling away from the pegasus. He looked himself over; thin slashes marked his shirt and the skin underneath. “What in the world was that? I look like I tried to hug an irate cat!”

Merryweather grinned, lowering her stance as she watched the unicorn. “Deception, remember? No-pony ever said anything about family techniques.” She glanced over to where the blades were stuck in the ground, holding her glowing wings out. “So, do you think you can reach your sword before I reach you?”

Wits frowned. She’s too fast, he thought. She’ll cut me to ribbons before I can get halfway there. If I had wings, I could use Imitate Skill to beat her at her own game. He looked around, searching for anything he could use to his advantage. His eyes focused on his cloak, laying on the ground nearby. Maybe? His horn glowed, pulling the sliced cloth closer.

“That won’t work again! Crimson Sky!” Merryweather took off, sailing low over the ground at the pinto stallion. Wits End whipped his cloak across the ground in front of him, sending a cloud of dust up in front of him. He then pulled the cloak around his neck, clicking the clasp in place as the split cloth draped on either side of him.

The mint-colored unicorn raced into the cloud, aiming himself at the last place he saw the pegasus. “Imitate Skill: Crimson Sky!” he shouted, his horn glowing pale green as his magic spread over the cloak. The two charging ponies caused the cloud to disperse as they sailed past each other, coming to a stop a few yards past. The fighters stood still, the the crowd holding their breath as they waited.

Merryweather dropped to the ground, her wings lying limp. The ground under her dyed red. “H-hayfeathers.”

“Well, that was certainly an exciting match-up!” the announcer shouted. “But, with that final blow, it’s clear that the better fighter is-”

“Hold it!” The crowd turned as one back to the arena. Wits End was lying on his back, staring up at the sky with a grin on his face. “Oh dear. It looks like I’m down too.”

Silence filled the coliseum. “W-well then.” The announcer cleared his throat. “In that case, with both fighters down, then this match must be called... A draw!”

* * *

Wits End hissed through his teeth as the bandage was pulled tighter across his chest. “Is this really necessary?”

The nurse treating him rolled his eyes. “You’ve got a pair of lacerations. That stunt of yours at the end with the cloak might’ve looked good to the audience, but you still got the stuffing beaten out of you.”

“You’re telling me?” Wits sighed, glancing at the tattered remains of his cloak. “I’m gonna have to get that replaced…”

“Better that than you getting fatally hurt,” Twilight said from the doorway, crossing the room to where Wits was seated. “What made you think fighting in the coliseum was a good idea?”

“A combination of peer pressure and poor decision-making skills.” Wits End motioned at his bandage. “Apparently this isn’t serious enough to even warrant magical healing. I’ll be fine in a couple of days.”

Twilight shook her head. “Next time, just don’t get beaten so badly, okay?”

Wits grinned. “I’ll do my best.” His expression darkened. “How’s Merryweather? The mare I fought?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” Merryweather appeared in the doorway with a smile. “You got me pretty good with that trick of yours, but the nurses fixed me up good as new.” She walked closer, standing next to Wits End. “I just wanted to thank you for what you did.”

“What, get the everliving-”

“Pretending to get knocked out so the match would be a draw,” she interrupted. “Since I didn’t lose, my father said he’d give me enough money to start a business here in the city.” Merryweather’s smile widened as she blushed. “Of course, he also said I should keep my hoof on you. Apparently, you’d make a good Special Somepony for some lucky mare.” She winked and left the infirmary.

Twilight smirked at Wits End. “Special Somepony material, huh?”

Wits shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a good guy.”

“...You really got beat up, didn’t you.”

“I literally cannot move because of the pain.”

Twilight sighed. “Alright, let’s get you back to your room.”

...Primarch?

“Sooo,” Wits End hummed, peering at Purple Heart from behind a book, “the Emerald Legion, huh?”

“Yes,” Purple Heart grumbled. “What of it?” The Mane Six looked up, watching the two colts with interest.

“You got a ‘seed’ from a powerful, semi-godlike creature?”

“Yeeeah...”

“And you got a legion of warriors created from said seed?”

“Yeeeah...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Where are you going with this?”

“...Are you a primarch now?”

“...WAT?! Of course not!”

“Are you suuuuure?” Wits End elongated the vowel, a smirk curving his lips.

“What’s a primarch?” Twilight asked, ever the scholar.

“A primarch,” Purple Heart growled, settling back with his book, “is one of twenty fictional beings of immense power from a fandom far darker than any you’ve seen. They are the supreme, the strongest warriors of the Imperium derived from the genes of the Emperor of Mankind. Their purpose was to be the generals and leaders of the Imperium. All but six are dead, save for several others that exist only in rumor.”

“They also don’t bounce,” Wits End piped up.

The Mane Six blinked at the sudden interruption.

“Yes,” Purple Heart ground out from between clenched teeth. “Primarchs don’t bounce.”

“Which means,” Light Patch mused, “if you don’t bounce, you’re a primarch!” The six mares stared at the grey pegasus who looked very pleased with himself. Already, they could see the gears turning within the two colts’ heads as they turned to look maniacally at their purple compatriot.

Purple Heart blanched.

“Ack! I’m not ready for everything!” he cried, standing up before making a beeline to the door.. “Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, SO MUCH NOPE!”

Purple Heart had almost made it out the door when Wits’ magic caught him.

“Nuuuuuuu~” the purple earth pony keened as he was dragged back into the room. The Mane Six did nothing but stare at what was transpiring.

“We must do this, P.H.” Wits said. “For Science. You understand.”

“Get GLaDOS then!” Purple Heart whined.

“We’re bettering ponykind Purple Heart, so don’t shoot me. ” Light Patch said, smiling like the Joker as he approached.

“Still doesn’t mean I’ll allow you to toss me out of a window just to sate your intense scientific desires!” the purple earth pony squeaked.

“Ooh, good idea. Thanks for the suggestion,” Wits chuckled, opening the window to the fourth story room. “We thank your contribution to science. Thank you for choosing the Aperture Science Magic Aided Enrichment Center.”

“Should we stop them?” Fluttershy asked softly. There was no response from the other mares as they watched Wits use his magic and Light use his strength to put Purple Heart out the window into open air. The two colts released him and the purple earth pony plummeted from view.

“Too late now,” Twilight hummed. That didn’t stop the six mares from wincing upon hearing Purple’s contact with the ground some ways below.

“Eeyup,” Wits said plainly, peaking out the window. “That’s a primarch.” He stepped away and Light Patch replaced him.

“Relax body!” Light Patch shouted after the alleged primarch.

“Carp you!” a weak voice called up.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

DUUUR

Twilight sat down at the table with the other mares and sighed. “It’s nice to finally have a little down time.”

“Ah’ll say,” Applejack agreed. “Fighting to save the world is tiring.”

“It’s great to sit back and relax,” Rarity put in.

“I’ll admit, it’s cool to slow down sometimes,” Rainbow Dash allowed.

“CAKE!” Pinkie cheered, plopping a sizeable baked confections platter onto the table the mares were sitting at.

“Oh,” Fluttershy winced. “Do you think we can finish all of that?”

“We could use some help,” Rarity mused.

“Oh look!” Pinkie jumped up and pointed. “Lighty and Minty can help!” The pink mare ignored the four groans of displeased and waved the two colts over. “Hiya! Can you help us eat these?”

“Duh?” Wits End said, crossing his eyes to look at his muzzle in confusion.

“Duuur.” Light Patch began happily, only for his face to contort in an expression of confusion. “Duuur? Dur, durdur duuuuuuur dur.”

The mares blinked in unison at the two colts. They looked at each other, hoping one of them knew what ailed the two ponies.

“Excuse me?” Twilight coughed, leaning towards the colts. “I couldn’t understand that.”

“Duh. Duh duuh duh duh duhduhduh,” Wits End said, sounding slightly frustrated. “Duh duh duhduhduh duh Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!” He was shouting violently now, shaking Light Patch beside who only replied with ‘Durs’ of various length and pitch, each one being more panicked sounding than the last.

“What happened to them?” Fluttershy asked worriedly, her head moving back and forth between the two colts as if watching a tennis match as they exchanged 'durs' and 'duhs'. “Do you think they’re sick?”

“Whatever it is, it’s freakin’ hilarious,” Rainbow Dash chortled.

“It has to be a joke,” Rarity sniffed as the corners of her mouth twitched upwards.

“Yeah, or they cracked under the pressure,” Applejack commented.

“Maybe they didn’t eat enough cake last night,” Pinkie wondered.

“Well, whatever’s wrong with them,” Twilight hummed, “I’m sure Purple Heart will know.”

“Speak his name and he appears,” Rarity said, pointing at the purple stallion who had just entered the room.

Wits End whipped around to face the stallion before pointing at him and shouting, “DUH!”

“Duuuuur!” Light Patch screamed, his voice full of venom and malice as he glared at Purple Heart.

“Okay, now I'm certain he knows what’s wrong with them,” Twilight amended. She strode around the table and advanced on the widely grinning purple earth pony. Shoving a ranting Wits End and raving Light Patch aside, she placed herself directly in front of Purple Heart.

“What,” she demanded, “did you do to them?” If possible, Purple Heart’s grin grew even more.

“I have no idea,” he said, his face and tone epitomes of innocence.

“What happened.” Fluttershy snapped, glaring at Purple Heart, “if you don’t mind sharing that is.”

The purple earth pony shrugged. “I don’t mind,” he said. “There were some editorial...disagreements you could say. And I won.”

Author's Note

Okay, so this is Light Patch’s author speaking here. All of you were hopefully amused to some degree by this omake, but most of you are probably wondering what is going on with this. Well, the explanation is kind of simple but basically, I keep throwing out the joking suggestion slash threat of replacing all of Purple Heart’s lines with “duuur.”
One day while working, I suddenly had the thought of what if the horseshoe was on the other hoof and Light and Wit’s lines were all ‘dur’ and ‘duh’. And the idea of Ph being the one to do it. So yeah, that's basically where this little gem (at least I hope you thought it was a gem) came from.

Wits End &: Sunset Shimmer

Author's Note

This is a deleted scene from Caverns & Cutie Marks: High School, High Stakes chapter 13, and takes place before Sunset and Fluttershy go spying on Witstang. It had to be cut because the chapter was getting too long.

Wits End &: Sunset Shimmer

Meanwhile, in the past...

“Spying on our doubles?” Wits End asked, futilely trying to reach a basketball stuck behind the stands. “Not that I have anything against a good bout of subterfuge and skulduggery, but why?”

“Twilight—the pony version—has a theory,” Sunset Shimmer said, jabbing the basketball with a broom handle, causing it to dislodge and roll closer to the mint-colored teen. “Something about trying to see if the versions of you three that’re in Equestria are like you guys, or the ones that are native to this world.”

Wits took the offered broom handle and used it to unstick another two balls. “Thanks. How does that help us find a way to get us back to our world?”

“I’m not entirely certain, but I’m sure Twilight will find a way to tie it all back together.”

“She usually does.”

“Why are you cleaning the gym, anyway?”

Wits groaned, pulling the now freed basketballs out from between the stairs and dropping them into a cart. “Apparently, the powers that be take some issue with a new student skipping out on P.E. on their first day.”

Sunset’s eyes narrowed. “So you’re in detention.”

“That means I’m one of the cool kids, right?”

“I’m not going to answer that.” She sighed. “Think you can finish soon enough to help us spy on your alternate self? Purple Heart and Light Patch already agreed.”

“I might be able to,” Wits said as he tossed the last of the balls into the cart. “Who’s on the team to spy on me?”

“Me.”

“Oh…”

“And Fluttershy.”

“I’m in.”

Sunset glared at the back of Wits’ head as he pushed the cart towards the wall. The mint-colored teen was humming some happy tune as he walked. “Do you have some sort of crush on her or something?”

Several things happened in rapid succession. First, Wits End made a high-pitched “Eep” sound, dropping the broom handle. Second, the broom caught in the wheel of the cart, flipping around and catching against the main body. As a direct result, the cart came to a sudden halt; a halt that was not shared by the teenager, who tripped over a jutting section of broom handle, pivoted cleanly over the cart handle, and fell face-first into the collection of basketballs. Finally, with the added weight, the cart tipped over, landing with a crash as balls and one teenage boy sprawled across the disaster area.

“Are you alright?” Sunset asked.

“This world is doing a better job of killing me than the one Discord created…” Wits moaned, pulling a basketball out from under his back.

Sunset closed the distance between them, nudging a few freedom-seeking basketballs back towards the upturned cart. “Come on,” she said, grabbing him by the arm and helping him back on his feet. “So you do like her, then?”

“I’m not answering that.” Wits took a moment to dislodge the broom handle from the cart wheel, and stood it back up. “The universe will make another attempt on my life.” He looked back to see a smug smile spreading over Sunset’s face. “Oh boy.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna make fun of you.”

“Somehow that makes me more worried,” Wits muttered, tossing a couple of the balls back into the cart.

“...So why don’t you ask her out?”

Wits slammed a ball into the cart, causing another one to ricochet back out and into his face. “Are you crazy?” he shouted, his voice cracking as his face reddened both from embarrassment and the force of impact. “If I do that I’ll actually die! A piano will drop out of the sky Looney Tunes-style and that’ll be the end of me!”

Sunset laughed, holding both hands out as if to keep him at bay. “Alright, alright. I’m just saying, you’ve got the perfect opportunity by coming with us. You could call it a date, if you wanted to.”

“Of course I’d want-” Wits was cut off by a buzzing from his pocket. “Hang on.” He fished the vibrating smartphone out and unlocked it. “A text from Kibarashi.”

“From who?”

“Some mystery person who set it up so I’d find this phone. It seems like they know something about our adventures in Discord’s game.” He shifted his glasses to read the text. “Looks like an address and a time. It’s pretty close to now...”

Sunset sighed and shook her head. “Tell them you’re busy. You’ve got a date with destiny, and also Fluttershy, remember?”

Wits bit his lower lip as he thought. Finally, he shoved the phone back into his pocket. “Sorry, but I gotta take care of this.” He tossed the last of the balls into the cart and slid it into place along the wall. “You and Fluttershy should be able to handle spying on this universe’s version of me. High school me wasn’t very observant.”

“Wait, but-”

“I’m in the process of believing in you two!” With that, Wits End dashed out of the gym, his footfalls rapidly fading into the distance.

Sunset let out a growl. “Boys.”

Goldfish

Purple Heart sat down next to Twilight and Wits as the two poured over a selection of papers for no real reason.

“So,” he said, eyeing the pair of ponies. “Goldfish, right?”

Wits looked up and stared straight ahead at the wall opposite him. “I don’t like where this is going.”

“Goldfish, a fish known for its terrible memory,” Twilight rattled off, not looking away from the papers.

“Correct,” congratulated Purple. “Now, a goldfish that’s got a REALLY bad memory is an Old Goldfish. Goldfish squared if you will.”

Wit glared at Purple Heart and Twilight sighed.

“Now listen. Hear me out. An old goldfish in a freezer… Cold Old Goldfish.”

“Oh no,” groaned Twilight.

“Now. Now… An old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 is a…?”

Wits blinked slowly. “...A Gold Cold Old Goldfish.”

“YES!” crowed Purple. “Now. How’s about THIS: An old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 with overripe cheese is a Mold Gold Cold Old Goldfish.”

“I hate you,” Twilight swore.

Purple Heart continued. “An old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 with overripe cheese on a moor in England is a Mold Gold Cold Old Goldfish on a Wold.”

“Severely. Hate you,” added Wits.

“An old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 with overripe cheese on a moor in England that you can’t buy?”

Twilight shook her head. “…I’m not saying it.”

“A Sold Mold Gold Cold Old Goldfish on a Wold.”

The two horned ponies shared a long, painfilled look.

“How about an old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 with overripe cheese on a moor in England that you can’t buy from a library?”

Twilight looked over her shoulder at the rest of the Mane Six plus Light Patch and Spike lounging around the study. “None of you will report me if I kill him, will you?”

“Go ahead.”

“I didn’t see anything.”

“What?”

Purple’s grin looked like it was about to split his face. “An on Hold Sold Mold Gold Cold Old Goldfish on a Wold.”

A corona of light blossomed around Twilight’s horn.

Purple Heart hid below the table and peaked over the edge at the magical mare.

“Wait, wait! An old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 with overripe cheese on a moor in England that you can’t buy from a library that’s in sushi! A Rolled on Hold Sold Mold Gold Cold Old Goldfish on a Wold!”

“What are you waiting for?” Rainbow complained. “Just kill him already.”

“BUT WAIT! THERE’S TWO MORE!”

Wits turned to glare at his purple friend. “Only two?”

“An old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 with overripe cheese on a moor in England that you can’t buy from a library that’s in sushi and is not Fluttershy!”

Twilight and Wits blinked. Long. And slow.

“…A Bold Rolled on Hold Sold Mold Gold Cold Old Goldfish on a Wold,” they chorused.

“AND THE FINAL ONE! An old goldfish in a freezer with the periodic number 79 with overripe cheese on a moor in England that you can’t buy from a library that’s in sushi and is not Fluttershy that has also been phoned by Galop is a… Polled Bold Rolled on Hold Sold Mold Gold Cold Old Goldfish on a Wold!”

Magical light surged and blinded the spectators. When the blinding light diminished, they could see a stone statue of Purple Heart frozen in laughter.

“I am seriously resisting the urge to punt him through the window,” Twilight muttered.

“Just leave him. It's quiet. For now.”

“...Fine.”

Author's Note

Its been a long-ass time since we posted anything, so I figured I'd share this little gem with you all that I thought up as we started editing.

Cheers~!
PH

Old Stallion

“Hello mares,” Purple Heart greeted, a smoulder smile on his face. The Mane Six blinked at him in confusion. “Look at your colt.” They looked at Wits. “Now back to me, now back at your colt, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me.”

Simultaneous blink.

“But if he stopped using mare-scented body wash and switched to Old Stallion, he could smell like he’s me. Look down-”

They looked down.

“Back up. Where are you? You’re on a boat with the colt your colt could smell like.”

Sure enough, they were standing on a sailboat rocking gently on the waves in the middle of nowhere.

“What’s in your hoof?”

They looked at their respective hooves. Empty.

“Back at me. I have it; it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again. The tickets are now diamonds! Anything is possible when your colt smells like Old Stallion and not a mare. I’m on a horse.”

“I get to say the commercial next time,” Light Patch grumbled from beneath Purple Heart.

“Hush,” Purple Heart chided, looking back at the mares.

“Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-friendship!” Wits whistled.

The Mane Six all blinked again at the three colts. Wits End pouted.

“I thought of it. It’s my line.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Wat?”

Author's Note

Written by Purple Heart. Idea by Wits End.

Happy Valentines' day :3

(A happy accident)