Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel

by the-pieman

Chapters

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 8
C̛͟҉͢h̛͏a̶̡͢͠͡p̕͠t̶̢e̷̡ŕ̷̷̢͏ ̷̡9̡͏̢҉
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter Unlucky
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Like a Diamond in the Sky
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Back From Wunderland
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Amazing Fantasy
Chapter 49
Learning Experiences
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Counsel for the Cynical
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Prologue
What the heck is a CMC?
Through the Lookinglass Gate
Chapter 54

Chapter 1

It’s dark... My head hurts... So tired...

I hear voices... So far away... Can’t tell what they’re saying... Head hurts...

“What is it?” The words sound unsure, but curious.

“I don’t know.” Quiet, soft... the voice is almost unheard.

“What do you mean? I thought you were an expert!” Curious voice, but angry... at what?

“But I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

“Do you think it’s sapient?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Where’d it come from, anyway?” A- another voice? Rude. Masculine. Jock?

“I don’t know that either, sadly.”

“Well, why don’t we jus’ wake ‘im up an’ find out?” Accent. Rough, sounds tired.

“No! It could be hurt, we should let it rest.”

“So we just sit here and wait for it to wake up? What if it’s dangerous?” Definitely jock.

“I... I think I’m willing to take that risk.” Sounds... afraid? Of what?

“I agree. Besides, it doesn’t look very dangerous.”

“Ah know appearances can be deceivin’ an’ all, but I have to admit, the thing looks kinda wimpy.”

“So do we tell the princesses?”

“I’ve sent a letter. I’m trying to study it for now.” Study what? What are they all talking about? Why can’t I see them? Why’s it so dark? Why can I barely hear what they say?

“It’s bald, skinny, and weird.”

“You can’t possibly expect her to turn in a report like that, it would be just shameful!” The words keep cutting in and out, and I can’t piece them together.

“Whatever.”

Throat... so dry...

“W- water”

“Did it just talk!?” Ow... high-pitched voice. Afraid... or concerned. Not sure.

“Shush!” Curious voice. I recognize that voice.

“What was that?”

I can barely hear my own voice. “Water”

“What do we do?” Panic. At what? I asked for water...

“We help it of course.”

“Are you even sure that’s it’s mouth?” Hello again Jock. Why are you here?

“I hope so, it sounds hurt.”

I feel something pressed against my lips. I open my mouth and I feel cool water enter my mouth slowly. I drink until there is no more, and my throat feels better.

So... tired.

“H- hello?” Hello, goodbye... need... to sleep.

“...Don’t tell me it fell asleep again.” Not yet, but I’m getting there. Jerk...

“I’m afraid it did, it must be very worn out.”

“Do you think it has a name?”

“Maybe, at least we know it can talk.”

“This is it, princess.”

“I must admit, I’ve never seen anything like this.” Motherly, but not like my mother...

“Well, that’s not too reassuring.”

“I’m sorry I can’t identify it, but there must be something...”

“Like what?”

“Let’s start with what you know about it.”

“Okay, here are my notes.”

I can still hear the voices, but I can’t tell what they’re saying. I know the language, but I can’t identify the actual words all the time.

I feel... strange. Like, some sort of tension...

“Hey! It’s moving!”

“I wonder if it’s waking up...”

“Wait... something seems wrong.”

“What is it?”

“I’m not sure, but... I sense...”

“Woah!”

“Agh!”

“What is this?”

“I don’t know!”

“It’s... so bright...”

“Let’s call Princess Celestia again, this seems big.”

“Y- yeah.”

Feel... different. Warm. So tired...

“And once the light faded, it was glowing! I felt an incredible amount of power from it.”

“Hmmm... I see. I suppose it would be safe to try this.” Motherly voice is back. Huh.

“Huh? Try what?”

“Yes, this is very odd. It is definitely emitting a lot of energy, but not any magic I’m closely familiar with.”

“If it’s not magic, then what could it be?” That voice is so different... like a noble in an old play. Maybe their leader?

“I believe it’s too soon to tell. But this creature is very special. I suggest you keep your elements with you, just in case.” A... a warning, I think? About what? Or who?

“Okay princess, I’ll send a letter if anything else happens.”

“Please do. Also, bring it to me in Canterlot when it is able to be moved.”

“O- of course.”

“So... do we give it a name?”

“That would be rather rude if it already had one, don’t you think?”

“I suppose, but seriously, this is boring!”

“How is this boring? It’s incredible! It’s a undiscovered creature!”

“Ah hate to admit it, but ah think you’re the only ones here who thinks this thing is anythin’ special...”

“Oh come on, you saw what it did! Wasn’t that interesting?”

“It asked for water, and then it started glowing, and then it stopped glowing. We’ve been watching this thing all day!” Something was glowing? I don’t recall...

“But none of us can leave! We promised the princess we’d watch over it. If this thing turns out to be a meanie-pants and one of us is missing, we can’t use the elements to color-blast it!”

“Fine, whatever.”

Not so tired anymore... I need to move... thirsty...

I sit up, feeling a touch nauseous at the movement. It’s still dark, but not as dark. Can’t make out where I am. Those voices, what were they? So thirsty...

“H- hello?” No reply. “Hello?”

“Huh?” One of the voices from earlier. Curious Voice, I think.

“Hello?”

“O- ohmygosh! Is that you?”

Now able to actually talk and understand, I respond. “Uh, maybe? I don’t know what you mean. Do I know you?”

“Unlikely, I’ve never met you before.”

Still thirsty. “Hey uh, could I... have some water please?” I cast my eyes around, trying to find light or illumination of any kind.

“Of course! Let me get some light.” A small flame springs to life. A candle, illuminating, but not too bright. “Can you move?”

Still laying down I feel rather tired, my muscles feeling taxed. “I’m not sure.” It’s like I’d been working all day every day for a month, and then finally gotten to rest.

“Well, perhaps you shouldn’t,” Curious Voice says, sounding worried. “I’ll be right back.”

A few moments later I hear the sound of running water. It makes me even more thirsty. I think about the voice. It sounded rather feminine. Most of the voices did from what I recall. Maybe there were three voices, maybe twenty, it’s so fuzzy.

I see the candle flame come into view again, and when it’s close to me, I feel the same object as before held to my lips. I gently take the object into my own hand and feel it as I drink. It’s a cup-shape obviously, but seems to have a rather grainy texture. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Sorry if I’ve been trouble.” I apologize.

“Oh, uh, not at all. You’re just, um... new to us. What’s your name, by the way?”

Hmmm... I don’t really know if I should tell her my name. She seems friendly, but still a stranger I suppose. I give her my name... sort of. “Anthony.” The name spills off my lips like it’s something I’ve practiced saying a hundred times already.

“I see... and how do you spell that?” As I spell it out, I hear a scribbling sound. She’s obviously taking notes. “And, uhm, could I also have your gender?”

“Male”

“Okay...” Paper shuffling, then more scribbling. “Age?”

I’m not a fan of being a test subject and right now I feel like I’m just a science project. “How about I get to know some things about you before you continue the interrogation?”

“O-oh, right, of course! I’m sorry.” I can hear the sound of someone shuffling in a seat.

“So who are you?”

The candle flame is moved closer to illuminate her noticeably malformed features as she speaks. “My name is Twilight Sparkle.”

“Uh-huh. And what exactly are you, Miss Sparkle?” Whatever she was... it wasn’t human. I mean, for one she looks fuzzy. Like, not ‘blurry image’ fuzzy, but ‘covered in fur’ fuzzy.

“I’m a unicorn.” I snort, a unicorn? That’s pretty stupid. “Is... something funny?” An eyebrow raises on the brownish face in front of me, and I do have to admit she looks kinda horse-ish, but in a sort of cartoony way, eyes too big and nose to short, among other things.

Shaking my head, I ask jokingly, “Come on, what are you really?”

“Erm, I’m a pony.” My ‘unicorn’ host replies, obviously thinking I’m dumb enough to believe anything. The candle drifts a little away from her face, leaving it back in shadow again.

“Okay, fine, whatever.” I say, shrugging in defeat. “What other questions do you have?”

“Well, I was going to ask your age, but now that you’ve brought up species-”

“Human.” I interject, before she can actually ask.

Her eyes glimmer in the faint light from the candle, staring and confused. “Huh?”

I roll my eyes. “I’m a human.”

“That’s definitely new... spell that please?” As I spell it out, I hear another one of the voices from earlier.

“Huh... what with the li-” a startled gasp, somewhere between shock and delight and a mixture of both, splits the voice’s sentence. “Ohmygosh! It- it’s awake!”

“Hello.” I can’t see who the voice is coming from but I figure I should respond anyway. I try turning my head towards it, but the candle’s actually ruining what little night vision I had begun to gather, my eyes refusing to adjust to darkness now that they had the opportunity to be lazy.

“It talks too!” Another delighted gasp punctuates the voice’s words, before she clears her throat. “Uh, I mean... um, hello.”

“Let me guess, you’re a unicorn too.”

“Uhm, no, I’m a p- pegasus.” I think that’s the quiet voice from before, if only going by volume.

“Right. Well, at least there’s a variety. I suppose the next one is a Jabberwock.”

“A what?” The ‘pegasus’ sounds either surprised or startled.

I wave it off, feeling returning to my hands at last. “Nevermind, guess you don’t like Lewis Carroll.”

“What?” this time, the question comes from ‘Twilight’.

I have to roll my eyes again. “He’s an author. A rather famous one at that.”

“An author? I’ve never heard of him.”

“Oh come on, everyone’s at least heard of his books. Everyone knows Alice in Wonderland at the bare minimum.”

“I... I haven’t. Wow, a popular book I’ve never read... I’ve got to look for this one.” Damn right you do. Carroll's works are phenomenal. The scribbling noise again. I assume she’s writing down the title.

“What’s with all the yapping? Some of us are trying to sleep!” Oh, Jock Voice is still here, and by the tone it is also female if a bit gruff.

“Rainbow Dash! He’s awake!”

“You mean the bald thing?”

I grab my scalp to assure myself that I am not bald. I still have a full head of hair and relay this fact. “I am not bald, I’m barely twenty, no way I’m losing my hair!” Scribbling. Well, guess I did answer one of her questions.

“Oh come on, you’ve got as much hair on you as a shaved cat!” Jock Voice says, whom I assume is this ‘rainbow dash’ person. Man, such weird names around here...

“Holy crap!” The lights flick on and I fall back, startled by being suddenly face to face with a pair of magenta-red eyes

“Hah! Scaredy-cat!”

I notice now that the creature in front of me has wings, and is rather equine-shaped, though with quite a few liberties taken. Guess that could count as a pegasus. Her hair was also rainbow-striped. Guess that could be a good reason to be named Rainbow Dash.

She also has a protruding nose and mouth. Perfect.

“Oh yeah well... Got your nose!” I hold a fist tightly around her snout, squeezing her mouth shut.

“What’s the matter, horsey? Scaredy-cat got your tongue?” I swear, she’s giving me the most menacing look I’ve ever seen on a quadrupedal mythical creature. As well, she’s reaching a hoof back, as if to wind up for a punch. Which is patently ridiculous, horses can’t punch.

“That’s enough!” Twilight yells, and I see a flash of pink-purple light strobe in the corner of my vision. Suddenly, I am lifted off the ground, pulled away from Rainbow Dash and vice-versa, the two of us now separated by a good four or five feet.

“Come on Twi, put me down, he’s asking for it!” Dash says, putting up her front hooves at me, like a boxer or something.

I look incredulously at Twilight, who I can now see has a horn that is glowing in the same pinkish-purple as the flash I’d seen. “Wait, you’re doing that?” Magic? Telepathy? What’s going on? I take a better look at the so-called unicorn, and see she’s also vaguely equine-shaped and purple, not orange-brown as the candlelight painted her. She also has dark-purple hair, much more subdued than the tropical display her friend has, though it does have a stripe of some sort of magenta. Fits her color scheme but it’s still very ‘punk’. Probably going through her rebellious teenager phase. Twilight simply nods and we are set down on opposite sides of the room. I take this chance to actually look at my surroundings in the light. Books on shelves line every wall, most likely a library, though a very small and sparse one.

Anyway yeah, Twilight has freaky powers. Maybe she is a unicorn after all, but perhaps not the ‘Farting rainbow dust and barfing kittens-shaped cupcakes’ variety. Mental image funny, must laugh. “Hahahaha... oh man, I am so totally nuts right now.”

“Huh?” Oh, they look confused. They actually look kinda cute when they scrunch up their faces like that.

“This is the craziest dream I’ve ever had.” I declare, looking brightly around the room.

“Dream?” ‘Twilight’ says, raising an eyebrow again, looking baffled.

I shrug. “Yeah, I mean, come on. Magical winged horses? I have to be asleep still. I’m probably at home in bed. My alarm’s gonna go off and wake me up any moment now.” I stare up at the ceiling and await the obnoxious buzzing noise that signifies morning.

“Uhhh... This isn’t a dream.” The appropriately-named Rainbow Dash replies confusedly.

Of course she’d say that, dreams aren’t self aware until the dreamer becomes fully lucid. “Oh yeah? I’ll prove it.”

“Pfft, you can’t prove what isn’t true!” she says, sure of herself. I’d like to point to Scientology for the fastest proof against her statement, but...

“My my, Rainbow-Dork, is that a challenge?” I smirk.

“It is now! Come on, show me what you got!” She is now rearing up on her hind legs, punching the air with her front legs and... I suppose trying to be menacing.

“Sorry, I don’t feel like fighting someone who isn’t going to win.”

“Oh, it’s on now!”

“Bring it, Rainbow Ditz. Dream powers, go!” I decide to turn into a giant monster, and unsurprisingly, I start to get bigger. At this point, I’m five times my normal height.

“Sweet Merciful...”

The three of them are staring at me in shock. Their jaws have literally dropped wide open.

“How...?” Twilight struggles out, baffled by my dream-fu powers.

Being a dream, I decide to say something cool. “Come at me, bro!” Hey, it sounded cool in my head, plus it doesn’t matter because I’m huge.

“What is that awful din?”

I notice three other ponies. The speaking one is white, her mouth open in a large yawn. I decide to respond in the only appropriate way. “I am your God now, bring me ice cream!”

“Holy-moley, it’s gone all grow-y! Can I have some ice cream too? I love ice cream!” A pink, poofy-haired one. Heh, I like this one already.

“Twi... what did ya do?” The orange one. Quite the rural accent on this one. I decide to just bask in their shock and let them continue.

“I- I didn’t... he... he just...”

“Are you tellin’ me this thing did that itself?” the orange one raises an eyebrow, a motion that puts most other raised eyebrows to shame, because this one damned-near leaves her face in its efforts to raise as high as it’ll go.

“I don’t understand either...” Seems this conundrum is too difficult for her little brain to comprehend.

“Wow, this is the most exciting morning I’ve ever had! Well, maybe not more exciting than the time...” I start to just tune out the ponies. Not like what they say matters.

“Twilight, do something!” One of them snaps, as I look for more things to do.

“Like what?”

“Yes, that’s right, nothing you can do now! Now bring me my ice cream before I roast you all with my atomic breath!” I may not be king of the monsters... but in a dream, hell, I can do anything he can!

“S- seriously?” All the ponies take a fearful step back, eyes even wider than before.

“Well, you didn’t really do anything wrong, so I suppose I won’t hurt you... But I still want that ice cream.” This is a dream, I am entitled to whatever I want whenever I want it because I am the dreamer and therefore I’m in charge. That’s how dreams work... nightmares aside.

Twilight approaches me. “How about a deal? You go back to normal, and I get you some ice cream?”

“Deal!” I decide I wouldn’t want to risk banging my head on anything anyway, so I shrink back to normal. As soon as I do, a gallon carton of ice-cream floats out from another room, surrounded by a purple glow of the same color on Twilight’s horn, and the same color as the aura around me when Dash and I were separated.

“Here you go.”

I look at the carton to check the label on the front. “Rocky Road?”

“Uh, yeah...”

I lean in close to Twilight, making her nervous. I stare deep into her large eyes, getting so close I can hear her ragged breathing. Slowly reaching for her head, I scratch her behind the ear. “Good pony.” I love rocky road.

“I... I... What?” Still having trouble comprehending her position it seems. She also seems to be struggling to figure out where her ears are supposed to be, as they keep going up and down like semaphore flags.

“Okay, I’ve had enough of you!” Rainbow Dash yells. Before I can even blink, the pegasus is in front of me, holding the carton of ice cream. Suddenly, the carton was much closer. Like, mashed-into-my-head kind of close.

“Ow!” I pull the carton off my face, Rocky Road ice cream sliding down, some of it in my eyes and most of it ending up on my T-shirt. “That hurt!”

“Good!” My assaulter replies, sounding rather pleased with herself. She crosses her hooves and smirks.

Wait a minute... Th- that hurt. the realization is like a ton of bricks to the chest, or another carton of ice cream to the face, and I can feel the anger in my expression slide away into horror like the chocolatey remains dribbling off my nose.

Ohhhhhhhh shit.

Chapter 2

This is bad. I quickly run to a shelf and open a book.

“Ohhhhhhhh no.” I could read. It’s not possible to read in dreams... It’s always weird jumbles or stuff you already read before... but this is a new book. I put the book back on the shelf and turn to my audience, now feeling rather... stupid. “Okay, I suppose an apology is in order...”

“An... apology?” Rainbow Dash seemed rather confused.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I thought this was all a dream, so I was kind of a jerk. I figured that since it wasn’t real there wouldn’t be consequences for my actions.”

Twilight looks at me thoughtfully. “Well, I suppose that makes sense, and you didn’t really hurt anypony... I accept your apology.”

She puts her hoof up towards me, so I take it in my hand and shake it. This time the pink one was jumping up and down asking a million questions. But she slows down for the last one. “And how’d you do that growing thing!?”

Another epiphany. “I... I don’t know! I can’t do that! Well, I never could before...”

This got a collective “What!?” from the lot of them.

“Yeah, so I can grow now. I wonder...”

I concentrate hard on changing size again. Opening my eyes I see that I didn’t change. “Awww man.”

“You could only do it once?” Twilight asks, now levitating a quill and her notepad.

“Maybe, I’m not sure. I was trying to shrink.”

Rainbow Dash had a rather incredulous look on her face. “Why would anypony want to be small?”

“Because it has plenty of advantages.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

“Whatever.”

“So now what?” I sit down in a very small, likely pony-sized, chair and do my best to get comfortable. It’s a struggle I ultimately lose.

“I suppose we can figure out exactly what you can do.”

I put on a rather snarky grin. “Well, I can read and write, I’m good at video games and-”

“I didn’t mean like that.” Twilight said, an annoyed look on her face.

“I know.”

“Well, then why answer like that? It doesn’t make sense!”

“But making sense isn’t fun.” I say, recognizing her as the ‘Genius who can’t understand fallacies in their own logic’ type.

For some reason my statement gave them all a start. Now they’re looking at each other.

“What’s with the worried looks? I’m just playing around. You know, like a game.” They have to understand sarcasm and such, right?

Now they are all staring at me. Suddenly, a blinding flash from Twilight and now they’ve all got these weird choker-necklaces, except Twilight, who has a tiara.

“I’m going to say this once, and only once. Leave us alone Discord, or you go back to being stone.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know how you got out, and I don’t really care. Now get out of here, Discord!”

“Who?”

Again, I’m staring at Rainbow Dash’s eyes. “Don’t give us that! As soon as we turn our backs, you’re going to fly off and start messing with Equestria!”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sorry Discord, we aren’t falling for that!” Twilight exclaimed.

Her eyes started to glow a bright white, and the six of them flew into the air around her.

A rainbow-colored ribbon of energy formed between their necklaces, spiraling around and connecting to Twilight’s tiara.

“What the-”

A blast of rainbow energy flies up, and begins to descend towards me in an arc. I put up my arms to protect me, silently wishing that whatever was about to happen wouldn’t hurt.

Seconds pass. Nothing happens. I open my eyes, the ponies are on the ground again, and rather surprised. “Uh... what was that?”

Twilight pulls the other five into a huddle, putting up a magic barrier around them. It seems to be blocking out sound, as I can see them talking, but I can’t hear them.

After an hour or so of discussion, the pink bubble finally dissipates and the six ponies turn to face me.

“Okay, you aren’t Discord, but we still don’t know what happened.” Twilight says, giving me a confused, even puzzled look.

“Neither do I. Suddenly you’re all angry and shooting rainbows at me. Not very effective, as I didn’t feel anything at all.”

“That’s what we’re curious about. How’d you negate the Elements of Harmony?” Twilight asks.

“The what?”

Twilight sighed heavily, her hoof to her face “The giant rainbow thing.”

“Oh. I dunno.” I shrug. “I just didn’t want it to hit me.”

Twilight looks at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. “But... well, it didn’t hit you. That’s the problem...”

“How’s it a problem?”

“Well, normally, if the Elements wouldn’t have worked, we either wouldn’t have been able to use them at all, or the beam would hit but change nothing. What you did... was stop the Elements!”

“So...?”

“I’m taking you to Princess Celestia.”

“Oooh, a princess. Is she hot?” Now they all give me the cow-look. “What? Is she ugly or something?” Cue collective gasp.

Rainbow Dash speaks first “You really shouldn’t say anything like that about Princess Celestia...”

“Celestia? Hmmm... if the name is meaningful, then I’d assume she has some connection with an interstellar object or is an interstellar being herself.” I deduce.

“Well... you got the first part right, I suppose.” Twilight replies. “Anyway, we should get her over here.”

“So when will this princess show up?”

“When she’s able to, she’s probably very busy.” Twilight responds imperiously.

I roll my eyes. “Busy with what? She’s a princess! They’ve got, like, zero responsibility. Let the King handle this.”

This time the first pegasus I met, a yellow one named Fluttershy, responds. “We, uh, don’t have a king. Or a queen. We just have Princess Celestia and her sister Luna.”

“What kind of weird hierarchy do you crazy horses even have?”

“One that’s worked for over two-thousand years straight.” A curt reply from the white fancy one. Rarity I think I heard them say.

“Anyone around to prove that?” I ask.

“Huh?”

“Well, unless someone who was that old, other than the one who says it’s true that is, says it’s true, I’m gonna say that sounds like propaganda.”

Another collective gasp. Are these ponies part fish or something?

Suddenly bright light.

“Geez, does anybody give any warning, or do they turn on the floods whenever the heck they want?”

When I can see again, I notice a new pony. Well, more like a horse. She was... big. Like, about as tall as me. She also looked rather important, a certain royal air around her.

“I suppose you’re Celestia?”

“Yes I am.” she gives me a polite nod. “I have come to meet you.”

“Of course you did, I’m awesome.” I smirk.

She looks me over, and I can see she’s not impressed. “As you say.”

“Don’t like me? Send me back.” I stick my tongue out at her.

She shakes her head sadly. “I don’t know where you came from, and so cannot send you back.”

“That’s easy, I came from my mom.”

This earned a chuckle from the princess. “A comedian as well. You certainly are interesting, especially with the information my faithful student has sent me.”

“And what information would that be?” I feign horror. “She didn’t tell you anything... naughty did she?” I accentuate the word further by wiggling my eyebrows.

“No, she did not.” she says, still cool a white-pink-blue-green cucumber. “Though I doubt it would be anything too bad, given you’ve only been conscious for half a day.”

I go back to the chair I was sitting in before she arrived. “Oh, very well. And here I thought you’d be fun. So boring, Celestia.”

She blinks at this, raising a querying eyebrow. “Hmmm...”

“Finally realize you’re a stick in the mud?” I inquire.

By this point, four of the ponies have their jaws on the floor, Fluttershy is fanning Twilight who has fainted for some reason.

“I wouldn’t suggest trying my patience, Anthony.”

I shrug. “Alright, anything else I can try?”

She shakes her head. “I’m not sure whether you’re trying to annoy me or be friendly, and I admit that’s rather frustrating.”

“I love you too!” I give her a hug, grinning as wide as I can. She’s actually rather warm and her fur is soft.

“Ahem, yes well...” she shifts on her hooves a little. “I will be taking us to Canterlot now.”

After the flash subsides, we are somewhere else. A large room. A pair of thrones at the top of some steps.

“You know, you could make millions in Vegas.”

“As much as I’d er... enjoy continuing our small-talk, I would like to know more about you.” Celestia says.

“Oh, of course.” I say, settling onto the nearest solid surface as best as I can... admittedly, it’s a short table meant for holding a vase, which may or may not have just almost fallen off... ah well, it’s comfy enough.

“Thank you,” she nods, “start with yourself.”

“Okay. I’m almost twenty, am a bit of an introvert, and I’m looking for a girl who-”

“Anthony, please, this is serious.” Celestia admonishes, squandering my comedic talent.

“Oh, fine, fine. I don’t know how I got here, and somehow, I can become super-giant.”

“Could you... demonstrate?” Celestia asks.

“Only if I get ice cream.” I say, crossing my arms in front of me.

Rarity pipes up “Oh, not this again.”

“Hey, ice cream is good!” I defend my perfectly valid request.

The pink one hops up and down, saying, “He’s right, ice cream is delicious!”

“Finally, a pony who’s talking sense!” I give the pony a high five. High one? Whatever.

Celestia sighs. “How about this,” she offers, “if you answer all my questions, you will get all the ice cream you want, afterwards.”

I grin wide, causing Celestia to make an addendum to her statement. “Until the end of the day.”

I’m no stranger to loopholes. “Define ‘end’ of the day.”

She considers for a second. “...Midnight.”

“Deal!” I spit in my hand and offer to shake, signaling a sealing of a deal, which grosses out a few of my audience but Celestia resolutely shakes my hand anyway. Though I can tell she’s rather off-put anyway.

Chapter 3

I feel awesome. So does Pinkie Pie, probably. We had a chance to bond while she took advantage of my temporary infinite supply of ice cream and we’ve just been sitting outside the big step-in freezer, gorging on tub after tub of whatever flavors we pull out. That pony can sure put it away. If I wasn’t watching her eat it with my own eyes, I’d swear she was stashing it somewhere.

“Pinkie, you know what I love about this?” I say, laying on my back with Pinkie laying next to me in a similar fashion that is not as weird-looking as I’d imagine from a quadruped.

“Everything?” She asks, smiling over at me.

“Totally.” I agree in an almost inebriatedly relaxed manner

We laugh for a while, but soon Pinkie Starts shivering. “So... cold... brrrrrr.”

“Yeah, ice cream is cold, didn’t you know?”

“Of c-course, silly, I just f- forgot.”

“Hugs are warm.” Suddenly I am glomped by Pinkie, who is rather fuzzy, cushy, and warm despite her previous statement. All things considered, no complaints here.

“So, what was with the glowing and the growing?” she asks, looking up from where she rests on my chest.

“I don’t know how I grow, but I just can.” I look down at her in confusion. “As for the glowing, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh yeah, you were asleep. You were asleep forever!”

“Hey I like sleeping, is that a crime?”

She shakes her head. “Nope!”

“Good, otherwise I’d probably be a felon, and they’d throw me in prison.”

“I’d break you out.” Pinkie says, matching my passive tone, but a playful smile betrays her poker-face.

“How?”

“I’d bake you a cake and hide something like a file in it.”

“But if you get caught, you might get thrown in prison too.”

“But if we get the same cell, it’d be like a sleep-over that never ends!” Her giant smile stretches all across her face and is infectious enough to make me grin as well, her attempt to keep an indifferent look similar to mine completely destroyed. I just lay back and wipe my chocolate-covered face on my shirt sleeve.

“Hey Pinkie?”

“Yeah?”

“I like you, you don’t mind that I’m weird.”

The glomp becomes a normal hug as she snuggles closer.

“A’hm not... innerruptin’ nothin’, am ah?” Applejack, can’t mistake that accent. I decide to respond in kind.

“I reckon ya ain’t. ‘less yew wanna make somethin’ o’ this?”

Applejack gives me an unamused face in response “Uh... nah, ah’m fine... Anyways, Twi told me to come get ya.”

“Oh fine, I suppose I’ve eaten enough ice cream. Don’t wanna get a brain freeze.”

“Speaking of, why aren’t you cold?” Pinkie asks.

I shrug. “Dunno.” Really, I have no idea. Maybe I just ate it slower.

I’m lead to a medium-sized sitting room outfitted like a study, cushions and such rather than more professional furniture but the walls are lined with shelves of books and... scrolls? Interesting.

“Ah, there you are!” Twilight draws my attention and I see her laying on what seems like a small bedroll behind a short table, prepared with several inkwells and rolls of parchment.

“You wanted to see me Twilight?”

“Yes. There are a few... oddities I’d like to discuss, and hopefully have you answer some questions. You see, the princesses and I are the leading experts on the Elements of Harmony, but what you’ve done... it’s unheard of.”

“Maybe they just didn’t speak loud enough?”

“Anthony, please... I’m serious, this is big.” she looks concerned, but I’m not sure why. “You did something that shouldn’t be possible.”

“Jeez Twi, loosen up.” my hands go up in a ‘don’t blame me’ gesture. “I just don’t have any point of reference, so I don’t fully understand which parts are important.”

“Let’s start with the most confusing one. You’ve pulled off an amazing feat that not even the most powerful beings history has known could do.”

“Oh. Wow.” The realization hits me and I sit down on one of the cushions, selecting what seems to be a beanbag chair of sorts, though more of a beanbag stool to my size. “That is pretty big, huh?”

“And that’s not the strangest part.”

“Huh?” What could be stranger than what she just described as an anomaly unseen in all of their history?

“The princesses and I agree that technically speaking, with enough magical power, anything is possible. But during a test we took while you were unconscious we determined that you have a very odd thaumic signature.”

“Thaumic... as in magical, right? I gave off... magic?” That’s really weird.

“Uhhh, sort of. Anyways, we tried to get a read on your thaumic signature to understand what you may be capable of. Unfortunately we can’t really seem to identify some of your magical aspects. Not because of lack of training but... Well to put it bluntly, if whatever energy signatures you gave off are magical in nature, we’re unable to figure out what kind of magic they are. For all we can discern, you may not even use magic as we know it.”

I’m not magic? No duh. Still, I have some unidentifiable form of energy or whatever? Weird. “So I’m pretty important, huh?”

“I need more information, but it seems we’ll be unable to figure out much just by asking, since you confirm that this is a new development, right”

“Yeah, this is all new to me.”

“Can you grow again for me?”

I concentrate on my size. Growing. Expanding. I imagine my body becoming massive. I open my eyes and I look down, seeing a much smaller Twilight. She looks up at me and back at her notes, scribbling frantically.

“Say ‘Ah’ please.”

“Huh?”

“Close enough.” I hear her mumble something, but I can’t make it out. Whatever it is, it’s in her notes now. “You can go back to normal now.” I decide to oblige. Being so big is a bit disorienting.

“I have...” She shuffles in place awkwardly. “another question.”

“Ask away.”

“Well... you’re wearing clothes...” She looks at me in confusion.

“Yeah.” I’m not sure where this is g-

“Well, could you take them off?”

“Uh... I don’t think so.”

“Why wouldn’t you be able to take them off?” Wow this pony is dense.

“I mean I can but I’m not gonna, not for you, got it? I’m not into ponies, much less you."

She looks at me in confusion. “What? What does that have to do with... well, anything?” she asks.

“I’m not undressing, no way. Get your fapping material elsewhere, xenophile.”

“What?!” she says, her head jerking back in surprise, her face a visage of utter confusion. “No, really, what?!” she sounds baffled...

“Okay now that attempt is just dumb. Subject change, now. Ask a real question this time.”

“Wait, wait... I’m confused here. Why are you talking like... that? All I asked was for you to take off your clothes? It’s a perfectly normal request!” she says, still looking baffled.

“Well Twilight, how about I shave off your entire coat, and see how you stay warm?”

Twilight looked indignant for a moment, and opened her mouth to retort. Then, her mouth closed, and a contemplative look fell over her face. “Well, why not take them off once you’re inside? It’s plenty warm enough in here, and it can’t be comfortable to sleep in them all the time.”

“I don’t sleep in them, we have these things called ‘blankets’ for that.” I recall that they do indeed have blankets here, so I figured I’d just reinforce my reasons for not wearing clothes in bed. I find it rather discomforting. “We wear clothes not only to keep warm, but cover ourselves. It’s sort of like... we wish we had fur, but we don’t, so we substitute. Plus, we can’t exactly hide our reproductive organs the way most animals do, so not wearing anything at all would... let it all hang out, if you understand.”

She looked confused for a moment, until Pinkie, who had been listening from the doorway, began to giggle in naughty amusement. Twilight’s eyes crossed and her cheeks went aflame as she realized what I meant. “Oh, that’s, uhm... oh.” Her eyes uncrossed, but her blush didn’t subside.

I get a naughty grin. “But if you’re fine with me not wearing pants...”

Her blush went even redder, and Pinkie’s giggling becomes loud laughter.

Eventually the blushing and laughter subsides and Twilight seems ready to ask another question. “Well, wait. If all humans are like that, why wear them? I mean, it doesn’t make much sense really. If it’s all the same, generally, why would you need to hide anything?”

I pause. “Honestly that has multiple answers. Some are better than others. Some say it’s because it’s less distracting when the parts aren’t in your face. Hard to think about your banking job when someone walks up and just happens to have seen a woman walk by and now he’s got a raging boner. On the other hand, some say the reason is because the first woman ate an apple or some shit like that.”

She blinks. “Ate... an apple? What?”

“Specifically a special apple from the... what was it... tree of Courage... no, wait, that’s the Triforce. Wisdom! Tree of Wisdom, that’s it!”

“Wait, so you have to wear clothes because someone ate an apple of wisdom?” she asks, a touch incredulous.

“Wait, you think I believe that crap? No. I do think that some people don’t have the control to get a hard-on just because there’s a woman several meters away with boobs, and an erection is hard to manage even with something to hide it.”

“So... males of your species lack self control around your females? That’s a really big flaw of evolution.” she says, as if speaking to a kindergartener who tried designing an alien.

“Yeah, we’re a pretty messed up species. Some say we evolved from the offspring of a pig and a monkey and I find that hilarious, but whatever the truth is, we seem to have an aversion to being naked. Again, I think it’s because we wish we had fur but we don’t.”

“Yes, I get that, but as far as we know, you’re the first of your species on this planet, so if there aren’t any human females, you won’t have a problem right?”

Huh, you know, she’s right. “Alright, fine, no harm I guess. But no touching, not until the third date, and that’s if you’re lucky.”

Twilight rolls her eyes as I disrobe. “And would you say your proportions are average?”

“For someone just entering their twenties, I’d say yes.”

“Really? Everything?”

“Yes everything. What, is my hair too short?”

“Well, comparing only to pony averages... well, your hair too I suppose.”

“If you’re trying to say something, say it.”

Twilight just turns to her notes, but I hear some mumbles as she writes. “Proportions comparable to most primates; smaller and thinner, with odd shape.”

Doesn’t she mean ‘shapes’? Unless... “Oh, really classy Sparkle, great, you gotta make up some shit about me having a weird tiny dick? That’s sad.”

“I’m not making anything up. Unless it expands more than three-hundred percent, it’s much smaller proportionally than a stallion’s. I suppose if it works, that’s fine, but the comparison is perfectly reasonable.” she says, defending her stance and opinion.

“It gets bigger! Not... that much bigger, but... bigger!” I grab my pants and put them back on, making absolutely sure I’m zipped and buttoned before going for my shirt.

“How much bigger would you say?”

“Dunno, never measured it.”

“Could I-”

“No!”

“It’s just for science!”

“No!”

“Well just- wait, hold on, breakthrough!” She returns to a previous page and writes down something. I see that the page is labelled behavior. Her horn glows as she writes the next part, again mumbling. I feel kinda tingly. “Subject gets angry when substandard sexual capabilities mentioned.”

Okay, that’s it! “Fuck you, Twilight! Fuck you sideways with a flaming grandfather cactus!” I’ve never really experienced this before but it must be what people refer to as ‘blind rage’. I must say, it’s brighter than I’d imagine.

“Anthony, look!”

Twilight has conjured a mirror in front of me. What I see is... astonishing. I’m glowing. Like, my body is just... glowing. A pale cyan aura, my visible skin now a sort of steel-gray... and partially see-through. I don’t have eyeballs, just spots of light, like stars planted in my head. I blink, and then I’m suddenly back to normal. My clothes didn’t seem damaged at all, and I don’t feel any different.

The entire time, Twilight has been frantically taking notes, her quill a blur as she magically scribes what she saw. She’s already gone through one inkwell.

Celestia and a pony in gold armor which couldn’t possibly protect against anything sharper than a butter knife walk in along with another bigger pony, this one a pretty midnight blue, her flowing, shimmering mane much more subdued than Celestia’s, but still just as incredible. I like it a lot better. There’s no mistaking it, this had to be Princess Luna.

“Hello, princesses.” Twilight smiles widely. “I think I’ve made a breakthrough.”

“I suppose so. Or at least made our new arrival very annoyed.” Luna began inspecting me, looking over my body as she levitates me closer to her with her magic. “And what a strange new arrival this is. I must admit, when my sister told me about you, I assumed she was exaggerating.”

“Uh could you put me down, please?”

“Oh of course, my apologies.” Luna takes a few more seconds to inspect me before releasing me from her magical grip.

“So.” Twilight returned everyone’s attention to her. “This discovery I made was executed with the help of a spell on my part, so I’m not sure exactly how accurate my notes would be in a natural occurrence.”

“Yeah, so what’s the spell? What’d you do to me?”

“It was, er... an emotion spell. It temporarily enhanced your emotional reactions, so when you got angry, you got very angry.”

“Never do that again. No more magic spells on me without letting me know what it does and why. Also, our ‘discussions’ never get mentioned to anyone ever. Ev-ver.”

Celestia ponders for a moment. “I suppose that’s a reasonable request. Very well Anthony. Anyways, the reason why I’m here. With a guard.”

Twilight immediately brightened at the chance to share her knowledge.”Well, I’m not sure how safely we can replicate the events that caused it, but-”

“I started glowing.”

Twilight was upset at the interruption. “Yes. He glowed.” I think she might be mad. “Anyhow, I took some notes-”

“Obviously.”

“Could you please stop interrupting me?”

“Maybe for more ice cream.”

Twilight let out a frustrated groan. “Just be quiet!”

Suddenly, my mouth felt tingly. I checked it and my mouth felt fine. I ask what she did. Wait, no I don’t. I can’t speak! I gesture wildly at Twilight.

“That was just to help things go a bit smoother. You will be able to talk once we are finished.”

She can’t just... mute me whenever she wants to, that’s not fair! What about freedom of speech!? I stomp the floor repeatedly in anger.

“My, I never would have guessed something this large would act like such a child.” Luna’s words stung. I pull up a chair and sit it the corner quietly. Not that I have much choice in the latter case.

Twilight brings her notes out. “Now, as I was saying...”

“This is quite interesting.” Luna muses. “And a bit strange. As trustworthy as you are, Twilight Sparkle, I must admit I am skeptical. I have not seen any evidence of this creature being much more than a large hairless monkey.”

That’s it, she could be Princess of the whole fucking galaxy, but that was too far. I get up and walk towards Luna. Once I’m within arm’s reach, I give her a smile and flick her nose. Hard.

“Agh! Impudent welp! I will give you one chance to apologize!” She is now holding me in her magical grasp once more.

Apologize she says? But I can’t possibly do that with the muting spell Twilight has placed on me. I convey this by holding Luna’s ear up, and screaming into it with as much volume as I could muster. That is to say, none at all.

“You have quite the nerve.”

‘And you use quite the shampoo’ is what I want to say, but obviously I make no sound.

I raise my hands in a ‘bring it on’ motion, holding my fists in front of my face in an overly-exaggerated cartoonish manner.

“Surely you jest.” Came her curt reply.

I rush at her, a bit faster than she could react, and throw myself onto her, giving her a big hug and a noogie.

Luna is not amused. “You are sure this creature is not the product of Discord’s antics?”

“We checked the garden, he is still encased in stone. I assure you, sister, he is doing this of his own volition.”

Luna pursed her lips. “How annoying.”

I give her a kiss on the cheek and hop on top, riding her like, well, a horse. She immediately bucks me off, sending me into the wall behind her. It seems Twilight’s spell has worn off, because I actually make a sound with my reply. “Did anyone catch the number on that bus? It must’ve hit me with like, one horsepower. Maybe half that.”

“I liked you better silent, but not by much.” Luna was fuming. I was having a blast.

“And I liked you... hold on, lemme think.”

“Spineless creature! Feel the wrath of your superior!”

“Really? Chuck Norris is here!?” Since I spent my time making a retort, I don’t have time to move as Luna shoots a dark blue beam of magic my way. Oh, this is gonna hurt. I hold up my arms to protect my face, hoping I’d come out of the ordeal unaffected.

And I do. I lower my arms tentatively, and I see Twilight and the princesses staring at me in shock, Luna with her mouth hanging open.

“That’s it! That’s what happened when we used the Elements of Harmony on him!” Twilight says excitedly but worried.

“I see it, but... I don’t believe it...” Luna was still completely shocked. “How could you possibly-?” Luna turns to Twilight. “Not even the Elements?” When Twilight nods, Luna sits down on her haunches, looking very perplexed.

“That is quite the power you have, my little pony er, human.” Celestia blushes at her slip of the tongue.

“Yeah, and I glow in the dark, too! Now I’ll save tons of money on flashlight batteries!”

Luna still hadn’t said anything. She looked... completely defeated. It broke my heart to see anyone so sad. Especially her, for some reason. I was kind of a jerk. I kneel down and wrap my arms around her.

“I know I seem like a pain, but I honestly don’t wish any ill on anyone. I just... I like to laugh, and usually I have to be my own source of humor.”

Luna nodded, returning the hug. “You will need some instructions on what constitutes good humor... but I suppose you are a decent being at the very least.”

“We seem to have one matter unresolved, still.” We all look towards Celestia as she continues. “Where will Anthony be staying while here in Equestria?”

Suddenly, a bright-pink blur rushes in, and is now in the center of the room, shaking in excitement. Pinkie Pie of course.

“Can he stay in Ponyville with us!?” Pinkie was grinning like she shook a few screws loose when she made her mad dash. Not wasting any breath, if she even needed to breathe that is, Pinkie started on a mantra. “Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeease!?”

“Well... I suppose that couldn’t hurt.” Celestia admitted. “Plus, getting some ponies to get to know him would probably benefit the populace. I fear strange rumors about a monster in Equestria may have already started to spread.”

“Alright, I’ll stay in Ponyville.” Pinkie, overjoyed to hear this, starts saying something about a ‘Welcome Party’ a ‘giant cake’ and something about a rubber chicken. “On one condition.”

Twilight facehooves and groaned. “Not more ice cream...”

I feign astonishment. “Twilight Sparkle! I’m surprised you consider me to be of a one-track mind. I’m aware that there is more to life than frozen desserts. My condition was that I get to stay with you in your library.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight was noticeably confused. “Why Golden Oaks?”

“Because I like to read and if I live in a library, getting a book isn’t as hard as going outside.”

“You are one of the strangest creatures I’ve ever met, Anthony.” Luna responded.

“Awww, I love you too, Lu-lu!”

“That... wasn’t necessarily a compliment...”

“I know that, you silly pony. Hug time!” With that I squeeze Luna in a bear hug, Pinkie Pie jumping in between us to join in the hug.

“So it’s settled. Anthony will be staying at the library with Twilight for the time being.” Celestia had moved us to a proper conference room, calling in the rest of Twilight’s friends.

Nods and murmurs of agreement fill the room.

“On the upside, I’ll be able to study you easier.”

I turn to Twilight. “Upside? You imply that being in my extended presence could nonplus you in any way, shape or form?”

“Yes. Yes I do.” Twilight deadpans in response.

“What!?” I yell. I decide to accentuate this by increasing my size once more. In the much larger space of the meeting hall, I have the chance to become much larger than before as a result.

I pick up Twilight, my frame making her about as large as my open palm. Twilight gulps as I hold her close to my face, eyes narrowed. I contract my fingers around her, making her fully aware I could squish her by simply making a fist.

I bring her as close enough to my face that I can hear her shaking, ragged breathing, and give a harsh whisper of “I lick you.”

“What?” Twilight confused once again. This is too easy. And fun.

I do as I said I would, flicking my tongue out and sliding it along Twilight’s back, earning a disgusted exclamation from both Twilight and Rarity.

I put Twilight down and return to my normal size, smacking my lips.

“What the hay!?”

“No, not hay. You taste more like raisins.” Unfortunately nobody here has heard ‘Amazing Horse’, making my comment another in-joke.

“I again feel the need to check on Discord’s statue...” Luna speaks up once again.

I get back in my seat, a guard bringing Twilight a towel. “So, who exactly is this Discord guy you all keep mentioning?”

Chapter 4

We stayed in the meeting hall as the six ponies and both princesses relayed all the information, both general and personal, they had on Discord.

Twilight being the last one to offer her experiences, finished her little triad. “And that’s Discord, Spirit of Chaos.”

I nod. “Sounds like a neat guy. I’d like to meet him.”

The six ponies stare at me in shock, Princess Celestia offering her thoughts on my comment. “Didn’t you hear what we said?”

“Of course I did. I heard every word from all of your stories.”

Twilight stood up. “Then why would you say you want to meet him?”

“Well you all, and I do mean all, seem to have some gripe with Discord. On the rare occasion I heard any form of compliment, it was immediately followed by a mentioning of something he did that each storyteller considered awful. I’m not going to judge someone solely based on what others say. I’d like to meet him and get to know him myself. That way I can see if I feel the same way or not.” I reply resolutely.

Twilight looked rather mollified by my logic. “I suppose that makes sense... But we are not releasing Discord!”

“Fine, suit yourself. Anyone else important I should know about?”

Twilight holds up a piece of parchment up and scanning through it. “Well, there’s Spike for one.”

“Spike? Is he your dog or something?”

“Hey!” There’s a genuine surprise. A voice that actually sounds rather masculine. Prepubescent, but masculine all the same. I turn and see a small, bipedal reptilian creature. It climbs up on the table in front of me, using a chair to reach high enough. Now it’s looking at me. “I am not a dog! I’m a dragon!”

I lean my head against my arm, elbow propped up on the table. “Fascinating. Can you roll over?”

“Yes I c- er, shut up!” he says indignantly, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Never.” I grin. “So what’s your story?”

“Well, Twilight hatched me from my egg, and I’ve been her faithful assistant since I learned to write.” He seemed rather proud of this.

“I see. And what have you been doing?”

“Well, Twilight sent me here to Canterlot. My job was to search all the libraries I could find for books on strange creatures.” he jerks a thumb over his shoulder, and I can see the edge of a literal wagon full of books. “I have them on a cart outside. I suppose the reason she was freaking out was you showing up.”

“Okay, so...” I shrug. “Guess I’m your new housemate.”

“Huh?” The little guy looks confused, one eyebrow... ridge raised.

Twilight decided to respond for me. “For the time being, he will be staying at the library. This way he can interact with ponies and I can study him further.”

“Just don’t stick any thermometers where they don’t belong, okay Ms. Science?” The entire ensemble of ponies and dragon all groaned.

“Seriously? This guy is gonna be staying with us, Twilight?” Spike asked.

I give him a noogie. “Yep, don’t you feel lucky?”

“Immensely...” was the flat response I got from him. He’s got a good deadpan going there.

“Well, we should head back tah Ponyville I s’pose...” Applejack suggested. It was getting rather late, the windows becoming almost reflective with how dark it was outside.

“Yes, but I think I’ll teleport him to the library directly. We don’t want him causing a stir on a train-ride.” Celestia pointed out.

“But I wanna stay! You said I should meet the ponies!”

“That I did, but if your presences causes panic, I’d prefer if it was not on a train moving down a mountainside. Thus, I insist that you be teleported.”

“No, I’m not gonna.” I cross my arms in defiance.

“Anthony...” she says, looking angry. She takes a deep, calming breath. “Anthony, will you please allow me to teleport you? I’m trying to make sure nobody gets instigated to hasty actions. You or somepony else.” she explains.

“...fine, but tomorrow all bets are off, I’m still gonna do what I want.”

She heaves a sigh. “Fine...” she turns to Twilight. “I’m trusting you to keep charge of him. Keep him out of trouble if you can, and keep track of his progress. Don’t ignore your other duties, but... keep an eye on him, please.” she says, gently. I understand Twilight’s her royal subject and all, but she doesn’t have to be so nice right after being so rude to me!

We get back to the library via teleportation again and I try to find a place to get comfortable. Twilight seems to have other ideas for me though, seeing as how she just put a large tome in front of me. “Equestrian law and it’s history.” I read off the cover. “Yeah, no.”

“Well how do you expect to follow our laws if you don’t know them?” Twilight asks, the obvious answer staring in her face not blunt enough for her.

“I don’t expect to follow your laws. Or your rules. I will respect your privacy and that libraries are supposed to be quiet but other than that, I do what I want. Nobody’s the boss of me but me. Only rule I follow: I follow whatever rules I want to follow. Get it?”

"Well, that's just silly! You're still subject to the laws, you know." she says, furrowing her brows, "You can't just ignore them because you want to."

“Actually, I can. I am not subject to the laws, I’m subject to the consequences of not following said laws, there’s a difference.”

"That's the same thing! Being subject to the consequences of breaking the law is exactly what being subject to the law means!"

“Not gonna change my mind. Depending on the consequences of individual restrictions I will decide what I’m going to do or not. Like if you’re under Sharia law and stealing gets your hand sliced off, I’m probably not gonna steal anything. But if it’s a slap on the wrist then why the hell not? I’ve had worse than a slap on my wrist. Get the idea? I’m not here to break rules, I’m here to bend them and then stopping before they do break.”

"What? But why? The laws are there to protect and aid you!" she says, looking confused and a bit hurt at the thought of willfully bending the rules repeatedly.

“Rules? There to keep you safe? Of course they are! I’m rebellious, not stupid. The problem is that a lot of ‘safety measures’ also tend to kill the fun. Like wearing a helmet. Trust me, there’s gonna be some kid who thinks it’s stupid until they fall and hurt themselves. We call these people ‘kinetic learners.’.”

"Like pegasi? I understand the idea, but that's a guide, not a law. You really need to learn them; there's only a few thousand actual laws in place with strict guidelines, and the rest are mostly meant to be flexible. And we have far fewer laws than many other nations in the world. Anthony, take me seriously; you need to follow the rules!" she says, puffing out her cheeks and chest in an attempt to look more serious, though all it does is make her look more fluffy.

“I’m sorry but it’s, heh, hard to take you seriously when you look like a pissed-off kitten. Just saying.” I pick up the large book and stick it back on the shelf. “Let me simplify things for ya, m’kay? I’ll do things my way, and you can do things your way, and we try not to get in each other’s way, how’s that sound?”

She grunts in irritation. “You have to listen to me, though! Celestia put me in charge of you!” she says, flailing her hooves in the air.

“Yeah? Well, I’m saying nobody’s in charge of me but myself, so you can tell your princess to shove it. And while you’re at it, tell her to queen it up, she isn’t fooling me with the princess crap.”

“What queen?” Twilight aks, irritation and confusion in her voice. “We don’t have a queen! We’ve never had a queen!”

“Exactly. She’s the one in charge, so she’s the queen. The princess is the daughter of the ones in charge. She’s probably just keeping the princess title because it sounds cute and she’s in denial that she’s old as dirt.”

“What? No, the Princesses are the highest authority in Equestria. That’s just how it works!” she says, face scrunched up. “We’re not a monarchy, we’re a diarchy.”

“Yeah, Luna. So you have two queens. Still a diarchy and the rulers get to age with some damn dignity. As for princess being the highest title, who told you that?”

“The princesses, of course.” Seems Twilight misses what that answer means. “And the fact that there isn’t anyone else who would be ruling us. There’s only three known Alicorns in the world, and my sister-in-law is definitely not a queen. She’s only royalty by adoption, actually.”

“Well, what if I ruled you all and I made ‘princess’ second-in-command?” I’m rather interested in the response to that.

She gives me a look of horror and disgust. “What? Why would you even ask that?!”

“Part of being a scientist is thinking about variables and you’re a science enthusiast, right? So, suppose for the sake of argument that I was in charge and the princesses worked for me. What do you think would happen? General theory.”

“Well, we’d have a different system of rule, so it depends. Would you, theoretically, set up a dictatorship, an oligarchy, a democracy, a plutocracy, an autocracy-” she doesn’t seem to be slowing, and likely won’t stop if I don’t interrupt her.

“Sorry Twilight, but you seem to be misunderstanding. It would be a monarchy. Me in charge alone and the princess title being replaced with, say... advisor? That works for me.”

“Uhm... then they’d be advisors? You already gave the answer in your question, so what was the point?” she asks.

“Wow, and I thought you were supposed to be the smart one. The question was ‘what would happen’ in general, not ‘what would happen to the princesses’, genius. Pay attention.”

“I don’t know, I’d have to know how you got to power, what sort of pony you are, how you would rule... there’s a lot more variables involved, Anthony.”

I grin widely. “Looks like we’ll have to set up an experiment then, wouldn’t we?”

“No.” She glares at me.

“Oh fine, whatever. But still, I’ll decide what laws I want to follow and you can like it or not, I don’t care. The princess put you in charge of me, but since I disagree with that, I’m saying you aren’t in charge of me. You following me?”

She grits her teeth, and growls, her eyes shut tightly. Her face has even developed a bit of a tic.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Good talk Sparkle. Now, what do you have to read around here?”

She takes a few breaths, and opens her eyes. “I have several texts on a wide variety of topics. What sort of book would you like to read?” she asks, a creepy smile on her face.

“Something with a good plot, I don’t like boring reads.”

She glares at me again. “Well, fine, if you don’t want to take this seriously-!” she starts, catching me off-guard.

“What? I want a storybook with an emphasis on the story being told, what the heck did you think I meant?”

“Oh! Right... Uh, nothing.” she blushes, looking embarrassed. “Okay uhm... what’s your reading level?”

“College, second year.”

“Alright.” she nods, mollified slightly. “I think I can find something, though I do insist you at least look into our law books, now that you’ve confirmed your reading level puts you high enough to understand the more complex parts.”

I roll my eyes. “Fine, just don’t expect me to do more than skim.”

“Well at least that’s progress compared to before... kind of.”

We sat in silence for a while, just reading. Eventually I get to a stopping point and put my book down. As I’m heading for the front door, Twilight stops me. “Where are you going? It’s practically midnight.”

“Yeah, I know. And as such, I am tired.” I open the door and step outside. Twilight once again uses her magic to hold me in place. “But where are you going?”

“Dunno.” I reply honestly.

“Why?”

“Well, unless you have a bed for me, I’m gonna find somewhere else.” That stopped her. The decision for me to stay was only made earlier today. “But... why don’t you sleep on the table like when we found you?”

I reply with my best ‘You’ve gotta be kidding’ look.

“Well, where are you going to sleep, then?”

“Anywhere I want.”

“But... you can’t just do that!”

I enhance my size to five times my original height. “Assuming my weight increases proportionally to my height, I can now.”

“What? Why?”

“Because at this point I weigh about a thousand pounds.”

“I don’t get it...”

“Get your nose stuck in a joke book sometime. I’m gonna go find somewhere to sleep.”

“But-”

“Seeya tomorrow, Twi.”

I dash off, using my longer legs to carry me as far from her as possible before she can react. I hear a loud groan from behind me before I get too far. Heheh, she mad.

Eventually I come to a little field. Well, I’m rather big at the moment so I suppose it’s not that little. I find a nice soft patch of grass and take a look around, shrinking back to normal size. Today was interesting. I stare up at the night sky and note how clear and open it is, the stars sparkling brightly, twinkling like they were almost alive. If there’s one bonus to this place, it’s the night sky. So beautiful. Staring at the large, full moon I feel drowsy but safe. Yeah, it should be fine to just sleep out here in the open. I close my eyes and lay down on the soft grass, still slightly warm from the bright sunny day earlier. I suppose today went pretty well...

I feel something tap me in the side. I roll over. It’s not morning until I say it is.

The pokes continue, but in different places. Then the voices, young and and annoying.

“Whaddya think it is?” Poke to my side.

“No idea. It looks weird.” Poke to my elbow.

“It’s kinda squishy.” Poke to my chest.

“You think Miss Cheerilee will know?” Poke to my forehead.

“Sure, Miss Cheerilee knows everything!” Poke to my cheek. I’ve had enough. As soon as I feel the next poke, in my stomach, I grab the thing that was poking me. “Woah! It’s moving!”

I realize that I am holding a stick. I was being poked with a fucking stick!? Now I’m really pissed off. I sit up and look at my inquisitors. A pair of small ponies. Unicorns. One looks fat, the other one looks more like a tiny giraffe, which is plausible since horses and giraffes are in the same family. They turn to run, but I grab them both by the base of their necks. I hold their shivering bodies up to my face, glaring at them.

“This. Is not. A petting zoo.” They gulp, and start flailing. I stand up, now carrying them both, one under each arm. “You know, you two are pretty stupid.”

They are now whimpering. With a sigh, I look around. I see a little red building. It’s the closest place, so why not? I go up to the door and tap on it with my foot. After a few minutes, the door opens. Surprise surprise, another pony. This one kind of a subdued pink. Or maybe some shade of purple. Whatever.

“O- oh my.” The magenta mare looks utterly shocked to see me standing here. It’s probably the kids I have under my arms.

“Close your mouth, you look like a fish.” She shuts her jaw and stares up at me. Even though I’m only in my normal size, I’m still a decent meter or so taller than her. I decide to get this over with. I hold up the two young ponies, making sure she can see them both. “I don’t know if these things are yours, and I honestly don’t care. They’re your problem now, deal with them.”

I drop them at her feet unceremoniously and walk off. I like kids, but only when they aren’t pricks. I realize I don’t really know which way I went when I left the library, as it was rather dark. I stopped a few ponies in the road to ask for directions, but the dang horses wouldn’t stop stammering. Eventually I come across what seems to be a giant gingerbread house. Eh, I’m hungry. Might as well ask if they have anything for free. I mean, it’s a gingerbread house. There’s no way it didn’t offer some kind of food. If it didn’t, that’d be the worst marketing ploy in the history of everything.

I walk in the door, ducking my head a bit to avoid the doorway. “Hello? Is anyone here?”

A blue mare with pink whipped cream for hair came in from a back door and greeted me, not looking up until she actually reached the counter.

“Er... um... hello there?” her mouth gapes open too. Must be a pony thing.

“Yeah, hi.” says, stuffing my hands into my pockets. “Got anything to eat? I’m hungry... and broke.”

“Well, uh...I...” she stammers, lost for words.

“Fine, if you don’t offer free samples, how about directions to the library?” The mare just stares at me, pointing numbly to the Northwest. “Thanks.”

I walk off. Celestia was right, these ponies really need to get used to me. It’s not a long trek before I come across the library. This town needs some sort of tourist map. I open the door and let myself in, plopping down in the chair I sat in last night. My book was on the center table, so I picked it up. I barely read a few sentences when Twilight comes down the stairs, her hair a complete mess. “Oh, it’s you...”

“Well, good morning to you too, Miss Sunshine.”

With a sigh she makes her way to the kitchen. At least that’s what I assume, as that’s where she brought in the ice cream from. After a while, I hear a sharp whistle and I recognize the sound as a tea kettle. I wonder what kind of tea they have in Equestria. I hope they actually prepare it right, and it’s not just boiled leaf-water. Twilight enters the room with a kettle and ceramic cup floating a bit behind her head.

“So how strong is that stuff?”

“Meh.” Her grunt is both noncommittal, and grumpy in the same tone.

“Not much of a talker today, are you?”

She turns a glare on me. “Anthony, shut up or I’ll glue you to the ceiling by your nose.”

“Oh come on, that’s best threat you have? I can think of way worse things.”

“I’m sure you can.” She concedes, taking another drink.

“Like, say, pull out someone’s lower intestine, tie it into a noose and asphyxiate them with it.”

“That’s disgusting!” she says, slamming the table with her hooves hard enough to make the decorations on it jump.

“Hence why it’s a good threat.”

“Just... shut up.” She takes a long drink from the cup, and refills it.

At this point Spike is coming down the stairs, and comes out of the kitchen with his own teacup.

“Please tell me you’re a morning person.”

“Already met ‘morning Twilight’ I take it?” Spike says, sounding a little apologetic.

“You’d expect twilight in the morning to be a bit sunny, but in reality it’s pretty dull and lifeless.”

“You know I’m right here!” Twilight yells indignantly.

“And your point being?” I ask. Why would I try to hide criticism from the target?

“Uuuuugh...”

“You know, I never got an answer. How strong’s that tea?”

Twilight glares daggers at me. “Here, why don’t you find out!?”

Next thing I know, I’m covered in boiling hot tea with an upturned kettle laying on my lap. “Holy crap that’s hot!”

“Enjoy.” Twilight responded icily, heading for the kitchen, presumably to make more tea.

I nudge Spike, grinning. "She totally digs me."

Spike looks at me, a strange look on his face. He just shakes his head and returns to his cup. I decide to wash myself off. Luckily the sinks in Equestria function pretty much the same. Once I’ve cleaned myself of the hot beverage, I take a look in the mirror. It seems that with all the teleportations I was unprepared for yesterday, my hair is scorched black as opposed to the usual brown, and it’s much shorter than I remember, almost only a sliver atop my scalp. I also lack eyebrows. The strangest part was that my skin seems completely untouched. Strange. Maybe Celly healed me, but left me with the haircut for kicks.

I decide to keep reading my book. If it weren’t for the fact that Indiana Jones probably didn’t exist here, I’d call it copyright infringement. If I was George Lucas, I’d be pissed. It wasn’t bad, but this Daring Do character is like a total ripoff. If she were real, I’d probably call her a phony.

Anyway, I hear a knock at the door, and Spike goes over to answer it. Upon opening it, a pink blur I suppose is Pinkie Pie rushes in, and starts jumping up and down on top of my chest. Yep. Pinkie. “Good morning! Did you sleep well? I wanted to come over earlier but Twilight’s kinda grumpy in the morning so I waited! I can’t wait for your welcome party! Oh I forgot to tell you I planned a welcome party for you! I also invited a bunch of ponies so they can meet you! It’s at Sugarcube Corner of course! Wait you’ve never been to Sugarcube Corner before! Come on let’s go!”

I am now being dragged by my arm at high speed. I don’t know how Pinkie can do anything like this, but at least it’s not being stuck inside the library with a grumpy Twilight. Eventually Pinkie starts to slow down and she pulls me to my feet. I realize I’m in front of the gingerbread shop again. Wait a sec. “Is this Sugarcube Nook?”

“Corner. Sugarcube Corner. And you bet it is!”

“Huh, small world. But why does it look like a gingerbread house?”

“Because gingerbread houses are delicious! It helps to sell treats like cakes and pies and cupcakes!”

“Why not make it look like a cake then? And why call it Sugarcube Corner? The name and outer design fit the sweets theme, but they are a bit misleading. I’d expect a place called Sugarcube Corner to be a sugar factory.”

“Oh don’t worry about that, let’s party!” She pushes me through the door and into the bakery I was in less than five hours ago. Pinkie makes herself known in her usual manner: Loudly. “Mrs. Cake! I’m back, and I brought Anthony!”

From the kitchen I hear the voice of the mare from earlier. “That’s great Pinkie, you’ve certainly been building up this mystery friend of yours.” She comes out of the back just like before. “I can’t wait to meet... oh.”

I give a little wave. “Hey, how ya doing?”

The mare sighs. “Why am I not surprised?”

Chapter 5

“So, Mrs. Cake is it? I’m afraid you were too paralyzed to give me your name earlier.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly the most common sight.” she says, looking much calmer this time around.

“I agree completely, after all, I am quite stunning to look at.” I stick out my chest to improve my ‘stunningness’. Stunningness is now a word if it wasn’t before.

She shrugs. “I suppose that’s one way to see it.”

“So, who’s Mr. Cake? Let me guess, he’s got a giant cherry for a hat.”

“Um, no. I suppose he should meet you before the party starts though.” Mrs. Cake disappears into the back room once more. After a few moments, a skinny yellow pony comes out. Given the look he has on his face when he sees me, I think he’s going to pull an ostrich and bury his head in the ground.

He shifts in place, leaning his head toward Pinkie. “C- can it speak?”

I decide to reply for Pinkie as I rest my folded arms on the counter. “Why yes I can. Is there any particular topic you’d like me to address, horseface?”

“Uh. No, not really...” he says, nervously.

After a while, the party is set up, and thanks to my height, we got all sorts of banners and such put up rather quickly. In fact, it was still ten minutes before anyone was supposed to show up, but Pinkie assured me that when she throws a party, lots of ponies show up early.

And as we were chilling in the back with a plate of chocolate cupcakes, the bell above the door rings, signifying someone’s presence. I learn that Mrs. Cake wouldn’t be the only pony I’d meet again at this little gathering. It’s that purple-whatever mare I dropped the brats on earlier.

“Hey look, it’s fishface.” I call out, waving to her.

This mare is special. When she sees me, all she does is do a double-take. She walks up to me and holds her hoof up. “I’m afraid we didn’t get properly introduced, Mr...”

“Anthony” I take her hoof and shake it.

“I’m Cheerilee, the schoolteacher.” she says, with a polite nod.

“Those brats seemed to know you.” I say, annoyed at thinking about those kids again.

“Yes, they were some of my students.”

“Maybe you should teach them that if they see something sleeping, they shouldn’t poke it with a stick.”

“Oh my, I’m sorry.” she gives me an apologetic smile. “Please understand that they’re just curious, you are quite... interesting.”

“I suppose.” Cheerilee sat down with us and Pinkie turns to me.

“Wow Anthony,” she says, looking between me and the teacher. “How many other ponies do you know?”

“Other than the rest of your friends, none. I only met these two today.” Speaking of her friends, Rainbow Dash and Applejack walk in. I look at the two. “Well, this is interesting, I wouldn’t expect the proud Rainbow Dash to come to my welcome party.”

“I’m here ‘cause Pinkie’s throwing it.” she says, crossing her hooves over her chest and

“It seems that a lot of ponies like Pinkie’s parties.”

“Think of this as your Ponyville Initiation Ritual.” Dash says, somberly.

“Initiation?” What kind of initiation involves cake and streamers?

“Yeah!” Pinkie says, popping up out of my peripheral vision, “I do this for everypony who visits Ponyville for the first time! Then you can meet all sorts of ponies and they can all meet you! Isn’t it great!?”

“Yeah. So where’s Twilight? I’m sure she’s finally woken up by now.”

Rainbow answered my question. “Eh, Twi doesn’t show up early. She always arrives right on time, even though she knows she doesn’t have to. Same with Rarity.”

“And Fluttershy?”

“She’ll probably show up, but don’t expect it to be in a large crowd.”

“Lives up to her name, huh?”

She nods. “Since we met at flight camp.”

The party has started, and each new pony spent their first two minutes staring at me like I was going to eat them. Here comes one now. A blue unicorn with a blue and white mane. Pinkie does her usual introduction. “Minuette, this is Anthony! This party is for him!”

Minuette stares at me like everypony else. I decide to spice her day up a little more.

“Rawr.” I bare my teeth, making sure she can see my canines. I swear, she almost screamed. These ponies are way too easy it’s not even fun. “Pinkie, can I go back to the library now?”

“Why? There’s so many ponies that need to meet you!”

“Exactly my reason to want to leave...”

“Aww come on, they just need to get used to you!”

I stopped caring about their names, and now I just mentally refer to them as the tattoos on their rears.

There’s iTunes, Save-the-Dolphins, Candy-ass, Grandpa’s Watch, Fruit Salad, First Aid... geez there are a lot of these damn horses.

I’m struck by an idea. “Hey Pinkie, how about I introduce myself to everyone at once?”

“*GASP* That’s a great idea! But how do we do it?”

“Easy.” I stand up and walk outside, and grow until I’m twice as tall as Sugarcube Corner.

Now that my huge form blocks out the sun, I get everyone’s attention rather quick.”Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’m a human. This party is for me. Moderately pleasant to meet you all. Bye.”

I shrink back down and walk through the crowd of fish-mouthed horses. There’s so many I have to push a few away. Eventually I get to the library and sit down to read. Something seems off. When I look out the window, almost all the ponies in town are standing outside talking to each other. Damnit. With a sigh I get up and head out the door.

“What do you rubberneckers want?” Suddenly they are all talking at once. I can’t tell what any of them are saying. “Shut uuuuuup!”

Oh sweet silence, I love you. “Alright, I’ll answer five questions, if a question is too similar to a previous one, I’ll ignore it and you lose your chance. You have ten minutes to decide what you want to ask me.”

Sounds of agreement spread throughout the crowd and I leave them to their debate. Suddenly, Twilight is in front of me, having teleported inside. “Why is the majority of the town outside the library?”

“Take a guess, genius.”

Twilight rolls her eyes. “Okay, point taken, but what is going on?”

“Ask them.”

“Fine, I will.” Twilight relents and heads out the door, sighing. She comes back out a few moments later. “What’s this about questions?”

“I said I’ll answer five questions, and that they must agree on what to ask me.” I look at a clock. “They have five minutes.”

“And why did you say you’d eat anypony who asked a stupid question?”

“I didn’t. They’re freaking out.”

“Well, tell them that!” Twi demands, vehemently.

“I don’t care what they think. You do it.”

Twilight sighs again, but stays inside. Once the ten minutes are up, I open the door and stand in front of the mass of equine annoyances. “Alright, what do you want to ask?”

A hoof is raised. “Yes, the yellow one with the carrots on her butt?”

“What did you say!?”

“I said you’re yellow and have a lame tattoo. Four more questions.”

The crowd groans. No more hooves, just voices. “What are you?”

“A human, I told you earlier. Three left.”

“What do you eat?”

“Anything I consider food. Two questions.”

“Why are you here?”

“I have no idea. One question left, choose well.”

I was not prepared for the next question. I couldn’t be.

“What’s the difference between chopped beets and pea soup?”

I burst out laughing. Oh god, that was absolutely priceless! At this point I’m on the floor, holding my stomach, laughing like a madman. Eventually I stand back up, still panting and chuckling. “Heh... heh... o- okay. I’ll do it. Anyone can chop beets...”

The same pony who asked the question replies at the top of her lungs. “But nopony can pee soup!”

I run out into the crowd and find the pony, and give the little filly a high five. Well, for me, it’s more of a low five, but the effect is the same.

I pick up the tiny pony, a small light-orange filly with purple eyes, and a mane a shade darker than her coat.

“What’s your name little girl?”

“Noi!”

“Aren’t you just adorable?” I hold her in my arm and tickle her. That laugh is totally addictive. I hold her above my head like that one scene from Lion King and make my first public declaration. “Noi is best pony!” She is laughing again. I place her on my head and run off, she is now chanting for me to “Go faster!”

The rest of the town just stares at me. Suddenly, I hear the call of the common Killjoy. “Noi, young filly, get back here now!”

“Five more minutes, mom!”

“Now! Don’t make me start counting!” Mom voice wins out, as always.

“Awwww...”

I set Noi down on the ground, and she runs off to her mother. “Bye Anthony!”
That was the best thing ever. Too bad she doesn’t know my real name, but I’m not too sure I should reveal that bit of info to anyone just yet.

“Are you insane!?” Twilight yelled at me as soon as I get back inside the library.

“Most likely.” I freely admit I might be insane, though I’ve never been formally diagnosed.

“Well you... what?”

“I agreed with you. I sure ain’t normal.” Unless you count ADHD as normal, but probably not, Pinkie seems like a special case around here.

“That’s an understatement.”

“Yep.” I pat Twilight on the head and sit back down with my book.

“And... and what do you call what happened out there?”

“Hmmm... Fun, I think I’ll call it fun.”

“Spike, take a letter!” Spike ran into the room, already armed with a quill and parchment. Twilight proceeded to dictate her message. “Dear Princess Celestia, please find a way to get rid of this stupid monkey as soon as you can, I fear my sanity and that of Ponyville may be on the line. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” When Spike is finished, he rolls up the parchment and ignites it with green fire breath.

“Riveting story.”

“Bite me.”

I bare my teeth. “Where do you want it?”

She doesn’t respond, at least that’s what I think. She walks up to me and turns around. “What, you want me to bite your ass? Kink-Ooooooooohohohohohooooo”

I fall on the ground, my legs not able to hold me up. So much pain... I gingerly hold my ‘vulnerables’ as Twilight just steps over me. “Spike, I’m going to make some tea, would you like to join me?”

Spike just gives me an apologetic look and calls back. “Uh, no... I’m good.”

“Suit yourself. Anthony?”

“Y- yes...?” I swear my voice is an octave higher.

“Don’t mess with me.”

“Understood...”

It’s the next morning, and I wake up. I slept in the same place as before, the grassy area by the schoolhouse. When I wake up, I realise Cheerilee actually doesn’t mind, as there’s a note on my chest that says “Do not touch or wake. Miss Cheerilee.”

Suddenly, a flash of light. I turn towards it, and a very skinny beige pegasus kid is flying away. I don’t know what he did, but I’m sure I don’t like it.

He’s actually a good flier, pretty fast. I’m not gonna lose to a kid. I pour on the speed, and leap up, grabbing him by the leg and drag him down. I’m now kneeling over him. He gets one look at me and absolutely loses it. He squirms away and beats it as fast as he can.

I look down and see a camera. So that’s the flash... wait. I look at my reflection in the lens. It’s a bit curvy, but I’m all glowy and blue again. Cool.

I head back to the schoolhouse and knock on the door. Cheerilee answers. “Oh, hello Anthony, did you sleep we-”

She stops when she sees the stern look on my face. “You need to get leashes for these punks.”

I hand her the camera. the strap is broken, but the camera itself isn’t damaged. “Oh my...” she looks more disappointed than angry, so I’m in the clear. “I expect Featherweight will be coming back for this...”

I turn to leave. “You tell the shutterbug that he can keep the negatives, but if he tries this again, he’s going to need a new camera.”

“Uh...”

“And if I end up in a newspaper, I’m gonna find his darkroom and wreck it.”

Now she looks taken aback. “O- okay...”

I’m back at the library. This time, Twilight is actually fully awake. “Hey nerd, get your notebook, I got something to show you.”

“What did you call me?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

I’m about to repeat my ‘nerd’ comment but my still aching family jewels tell me to hold off for a bit. I roll my eyes. “Twilight.”

“That’s what I thought.” she says, smiling primly. “Now what is it?”

“Well, let’s just say I was running, and then I started glowing again.”

“Really!?” That got her excited.

“Yeah. I just wanted to go faster and... I spark up.”

“You what?”

I shrug. “Hey, it’s gotta have a cool name.”

“Fine. I need to see this.” she pauses, then, “Oh, wait, let me get something else.” She comes back with a sort of tiny windmill with a gauge on it. Weird. “So, we’re going to see just how fast you can go.”

“With that device?”

“An anemometer”

“Gesundheit.”

Her eyes roll. “Shut up.”

Soon, we come to a lake. Twilight sets up her anemometer and has a stopwatch around her neck. “I’m going to need you to run a few laps, okay?”

“Fine with me, I guess.” more shrugs, but it’s really not that big a deal. “I don’t have anything better to do.”

“I know.” she says, nodding.

I’m a bit surprised by the almost-rude implications of her comment, but then I feel accomplished that I’m starting to ‘get’ to her. “I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Just run.” she says, staring down at the device, not at me.

I get myself ready. I haven’t run laps since PE in high school. Let’s do this. “Ready... Go!” I take off. I’m going really fast. Not much faster than I usually am though. I focus on when I was chasing that kid. The need to go fast. To outpace the wind under his wings... to spark.

Suddenly, I feel it. I feel the wind pushing back, denying me. I don’t listen. Then, another sensation. As if something lights up inside me, and then, like my body just made a complete speed transition, I slingshot forward. I’m probably glowing. I’m not going to check. Gotta focus. Keep going. Faster. Faster. Faster. I feel lighter than air. As if the world has stopped resisting. No constraints, I’ve broken out. I feel free. I see Twilight. I can’t believe I’ve already made a lap, it couldn’t have been even two seconds. Or was it? I don’t know. The speed feels good.

“Stoooooooop!!!”

I’m startled, I lose focus. No. I can’t. Keep control, just, no. It’s slipping. The wind gets its revenge, I’m slingshotted backwards, thrown head over heels, flipping backwards. Once... twice... before I complete the third I slow down and just start tumbling across the ground backwards.

“Woah... that was... incredible...” Twilight says, eyes still glued to the machine, not me.

“I know... wow, out of breath... But.” I’m out of breath, but it feels worth it. “Felt so good, like... I was unmatched...”

“You might be, actually. You broke the anemometer!”

I sit bolt upright, shocked. “Huh?”

“This is supposed to gauge how fast you were going based on the wind speed you generate as you pass. You passed it once and it just... broke.”

“Dang.” I pause. I don’t want to sound stupid, but... “What’s that mean?”

“You can run faster than just about anything recorded.” she says, looking at me with... wonderment?

“Woah, this is heavy.”

She sits back on her haunches, looking a bit dazed. “Yeah.”

I grin. “We’re gonna have to call Rainbow Dash ‘Green Dash’ when she sees me. She’s gonna be so jealous she might change color.”

“I’m not so sure. I’ve never been able to test her upper limit either, so she might still be faster. From the air, at least.”

“All I know is that speed is good... so good.” I fall flat back onto the ground, enjoying the last bits of my speed-induced high. My ‘rush’ as it were.

“I think Rainbow would finally agree with you on something, then.” Twilight chuckles.

I’m still at the track. Twilight’s left. Her stopwatch was useless. Once I really start Sparking, I can finish two laps in half a second. The speed is incredible. I love it. Nothing can stop me... I decide to leave the track. Nothing can keep me from moving. This freedom, it’s like a drug. My mind is clear. I just need to move. I stick my arms out behind me, and I feel like I’m flying. I don’t even feel my feet touch the ground, like I’m lighter than air. I rule the wind...

Wait. I’m stopped. I’m not moving forward. Pain. There is pain. I shake my head and I see that I’ve crashed into none other than Rainbow Dash.

“Ooowowowowowow... Jeez, watch where you’re going!”

“Woah...”

“What’s your dama- Anthony?”

“You stopped me.”

“Excuse me? You were in my way!”

“Why’d you crash anyway?”

“I dunno, I was flying low to the ground, and then I saw something bright and I couldn’t see. Now I’m crashed into you!”

“No.”

“Huh? No, what?”

“No arguing. We settle this. We determine who stopped who.”

“I don’t get it. How do we do that?”

“Whoever is the slower one was the obstruction.” I turn to look her in the eyes. “Don’t you agree?”

I see the fire in her eyes, the determination of a competitor, a daredevil being challenged. “Of course.”

“What’s the challenge?”

She thinks for a moment. “...standard race rules. Three laps. First to finish the third lap first wins. Stay in your lane and no physically interfering with the other racer. Deal?”

“Deal!”

“You ready?”

“Of course. Loser has to admit their inferiority in front of all of Ponyville... while they paint themselves yellow.” I say, setting the bet we’ll be fighting for.

“That’s harsh, dude.”

“If you can’t handle the stakes-”

“You’re on!”

She spits onto her hoof and I do the same with my palm, and we shake on it. The shake turns into an arm wrestle. I try as hard as I can, and I can tell she’s doing the same. I grin. “You didn’t mention any penalties for head starts.”

“Huh?”

I pull away from her hoof and she tumbles forward while I rush onto the track. She’s chasing after me now. But there’s still some distance between us, though she’s closing it quickly. “No fair!” She yells at me.

“All’s fair in love and war, sexy.”

“What?”

That confused her, I take the chance to work on my Spark. “You cheating bastard!”

“Takes one to know one!”

“I’m not cheating!”

“Wasn’t what I was referring to!”

It takes a moment for her to register what I meant by that but when it does, “You got a death wish!?”

“Of course, but so far nobody’s gonna fulfill it!” I charge forward. She’s still moving faster though. We’ve mostly been neck-and-neck. I need to do this, beat her. I feel the spark. We’re coming up on the end of the first lap. Perfect.

“Wh- what? The glow... that was you!?”

By the time I hear it I’m too far away to respond. I’m going to do this. I’m going to become the champion! The fastest! Faster than Rainbow Dash! After about a minute of not seeing Rainbow Dash come up to my side, I feel assured. No way she could make it up now. She might as well- What?

Behind me I hear a sound. It doesn’t register, I have to keep moving. Suddenly I can’t see! My vision is blocked by a brilliant, multi-hued light. It continues forward and I can see again. Rainbow Dash? She’s not even visible, obscured by a shimmering stretch of rainbow. I try and move faster, but I can’t even seem to get closer. Her speed is still increasing, like what I’m seeing is just a blur, a remnant of where she used to be. This is incredible... I can’t win.

I slow down and eventually come to a stop. I head back to the finish line, and once Rainbow Dash realises what I’ve done, she slows down as well, but she keeps going. She crosses the line, now at a more believable, but still incredible speed. “Looks like I need to buy some paint.”

“Heh. That was pretty cool what you did back there with the glowing.”

“Yeah, sure, what was that thing you did? It was like you were moving faster than I could see.”

“It’s called a Sonic Rainboom!” Rainbow puffs her chest up and pumps a hoof in the air to punctuate the ‘boom’ syllable.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m the only one who can do it.” The puffiness increases.

“Wow.”

“So, when do I get my prize?” She says, a cocky tone to her voice.

“Tomorrow. I’ll get Pinkie to gather everyone at the town hall. Once I’m onstage, I’ll do it.”

“This is gonna be so awesome.”

“You cheeky bastard.” We both grin and share a hoof/fist bump and we go our separate ways. Now where do I get paint?

Chapter 6

As I think on where to acquire a bucket of paint, I decide to look for Pinkie. She likes sweets so I figure Sugarcube Corner would be a good place to start. Once I get to the giant gingerbread shop, I look around. I don’t see anyone sitting by the counter, at a table or anything, the place is empty.

“Hello dearie.” Mrs. Cake greets me, now a lot more used to me it seems in the span of a morning.

“Oh, hey Mrs. Cake.” I give a quick look around the restaurant. “I was looking for Pinkie, but it seems she’s not here.”

“Oh, but she is.” the blue pony says, smiling.

“Huh?”

The mare calls out to the store “Pinkie! Anthony is here to see you!”

The usual pink blur zooms down from a flight of stairs and tackles me. This time I’m expecting it, so I end up catching Pinkie as opposed to being bowled over.

“Hiya! What’s up, Anthony!?”

Apparently, Pinkie lives here. It’s a sweet shop. I am not surprised. I explain the competition between Rainbow Dash and I, and what the ramifications for my failure were. “Wow! She needed a Sonic Rainboom to beat you!?”

“Yeah, now I need you to get everyone by the town hall. Also, if you know where I could get a bucket of yellow paint, that would be nice.” She quickly scribbles down something on a piece of paper, hands the slip to me, and dashes out the door. Looking at the paper, I realize that it’s directions to an arts and crafts shop.

This place is a lot more subdued than Sugarcube Corner, that’s for sure. It looks like a typical store. Well, for Ponyville’s usual appearance of wood and thatch. I walk in, again having to duck a bit to avoid hitting my head on the doorframe. Seriously, I wish I could shrink. The first pony I see is wearing an apron covered in paint splotches, she’s busy sweeping the floor.

“Hi, I need a can of yellow paint and a brush.”

Still sweeping, she doesn’t look up, just points. “Paints are on that shelf over there, brushes on the rack past the paint.”

I realize I don’t have any money. That could be a problem. Oh well, I can try anyway. Once I have my merchandise, I walk back into view of the mare. Now she finally looks at me. And she screams. Great. Then, she throws her broom at me. Obviously, it just hits me and clatters to the floor. It’s a broom, and she’s not a unicorn or anything to use fancy magic. These horses are really stupid. I’m suddenly much more thankful for Twilight Sparkle’s intelligent conversations.

I pick up the broom, readjusting my carrying position so I have the bucket under an arm, and holding the brush in my hand.

I approach the mare. She’s cowering in the corner. I toss the broom at her cowering feet, letting it land on the floor.

“This is absolutely the worst customer service I’ve ever experienced. I think I’ll take my supplies for free as compensation.”

Her look of terror changes to one of confusion. “Huh?”

“Make sure you aren’t antisocial before you start a business, horseface.” I make sure to close the door gently. I’m a jerk, but I don’t want to cause property damage.

I get back to the library, placing the paint and brush down, once more sitting down in an almost-too-small chair to read. After a while, I finish the book. Getting up, I decide to check the shelves for another, preferably one a bit more stimulating. Twilight walks in, pauses, then yells at me. “Exactly what do you plan on doing with that paint, mister!?”

“I’m going to put on a show for Ponyville. It involves me getting covered in paint.”

“Why do I not believe you?” She says, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

I shrug. “Because I’m not entirely trustworthy.” I say matter-of-factly while I scan the shelves. I’m a jerk, but I’m honest... sometimes.

Twilight seems to still be learning the art of snark as she has no clever retort. “...yes, that’s it exactly.”

“Awesome, do I get a gold star?”

“No, you get more interrogation.”

“Maybe later.” I return to the shelves, and a book catches my eye. Explanation of magic for beginners. Interesting.

Twilight notices the book I’m holding. “Seriously? That’s for little children. Everypony knows that stuff already.”

“Everypony.” I inflect.

She nods concession. “Fair enough. Seriously though, what are you going to do with the paint?”

“Ask Rainbow Dash.” I sit back down and crack the book open.

She groans, “Oh no, this isn’t going to be one of her pranks, is it?”

That stopped me. “Rainbow’s a prankster?” Oh my, this is interesting.

“You...” she gives me the suspicious-eyes again, “you’re not going to cover somepony in paint?”

“Nope, I already told you, I’m going to cover myself.”

“Why?”

“You could ask Rainbow, or hear my excuse.” I say, turning back to the book a little.

“Despite my better judgement, I’ll hear your excuse.”

I look back at her, “It makes me feel pretty.” I say, grinning happily and fluttering my eyes.

“Of course.” Twilight groaned. She turns to leave, presumably to go ask Rainbow Dash.

I think of something. “Oh, Twilight, I’m probably going to need some money.”

She freezes. “Yes. Yes you do... how’d you get that paint!?”

“Compensation for poor customer service.” I say, turning the page idly.

“You stole it!?” she asks, shrieking.

“Hey, nobody’s perfect,” I shrug, “as much as you may think I am.”

“You’re a theif!” Again, with the shrieking.

“Yeah, I steal. I’m also a liar and a cheater.” I say, turning the page again. She is positively steaming now, teeth gritted in anger. “You wanna go?” I ask nonchalantly

“What?”

“It’s slang. Are you challenging me? You wanna fight?”

“Actually, I kinda do.” Twi admits. She doesn’t look comfortable with that admission.

“Well too bad. I’m not in the mood.” I continue reading the book. Despite what Twilight said, this is very informative.

She growls in frustration. “Get out!”

“No thanks.” I flip to the next page, covered in colorful diagrams for easier reading.

“Do I need to kick you out of my house?” Twilight threatens... badly.

“This is a public library, genius, technically you only own this place because you’re the head librarian.”

“I can bar you.” she says, stiffly.

“Sure you can, but then you’d have no idea where I am during the day.” I warn her.

“...I...” Her face looks like it’s going to implode. One more poke...

“Hey, if I can use my untrustworthiness as a valid argument, I’m gonna.”

“You are such a pain!” she says, growling again.

“You’re not as slow as you look.” Suddenly, I’m not in the library. Teleported again. I look around, and I realize I’m at a train station. I suddenly get an idea. I go up to the ticket stall. “Hey, do you have any trains heading to Canterlot?”

The pony is reading a newspaper, not looking at me. “The Friendship Express goes to Canterlot, it’ll arrive in half an hour.”

“Friendship Express? That is the most frilly name I’ve ever heard for a train.”

“Don’t like it? Go home.” comes the gruff reply.

“Even Celestia can’t do that.”

“Listen buddy, don’t... er...” Now he’s looking at me. And stammering “Uh... B- big...”

“This isn’t big, mate.” I enhance my size once more, making him crane his neck until he’s looking straight up, his chin and neck meeting in a way only a pony could manage. “This is big.”

He gulps. “So, uh... one ticket to Canterlot, is it?”

“If you would be so kind.” I shrink down to normal size once more. He throws some tickets my way. When I pick them up, I realize only one of them actually going to Canterlot, the rest say something about Appleoosa.

The train ride was uneventful; well, to me at least. Some ponies got off the train once they saw me. Once I get to Canterlot, I start asking for directions to the castle. The place, not to mention the ponies, are a lot more regal. But the inhabitants are even bigger wusses. One stallion actually wet himself. Eventually I get to the castle gate, which is being guarded by a bunch of armored, perfectly identical pegasi with spears.

“Outta my way, bucketheads.”

One actually points his spear at me. “S- stop! Don’t move, or w- we’ll attack!”

This time, I decide to make my presence a bit more interesting. I focus on my Spark form, imagining the feeling of energy that comes with it. I assume I succeeded, as the guard just locks up. I brush past him, but am stopped by another guard. “Stand still, freak!”

“Go ahead, make my day!”

He jabs his spear forward, but it seems he misjudged the length of his spear as I don’t feel anything. He looks really scared now. I continue forward, his eyes getting wider and wider as I approach. Wait... something’s off. I look down and realize he didn’t misjudge the length. The entire time I’ve been advancing, I’ve been impaling myself further on his weapon. I don’t feel anything. I wiggle a bit and I notice the spear acts as though I wasn’t even there. I look back at the guard. “Still feeling lucky, Officer Jenny?”

“Uh... uh... uh...” What little color was in his face drains away, his eyes going to pinpricks.

I close the rest of the distance between us. I reach behind me and grab the spear, yanking it out of his hooves and pull it the rest of the way through my midsection. I give the spear a twirl.

He turns to run. Nope. I hold the spear horizontally behind his neck, trapping him between my now solid body and the shaft of wood.

I stare hard at him, I can see my glowing reflection in his eyes. I then power down and let him go. But I’m not done. I grow until the spear is about as big as a pencil, snap it, and shrink back down. I throw the broken spear halves at him. They bounce off his paralyzed body.

I put my hand to the side of his head and push him over, walking past.

I hear him stammer a question. “Wh- what are you?”

“A good guy.” With that, I leave, heading for the castle. I make my way through the empty courtyard and approach the castle doors. More guards. I decide to be a bit more subtle. “Hey guys.”

“State your business, creature!” The guards stay steadfast. They aren’t being rude... just projecting their voice more than is polite.

“I want to see Princess Celestia.” I hope this a reasonable request, because othewise I’m in a tyranny run by the Wizard of Oz, and I have bigger problems than boredom. “I think she’d honor an audience with me, considering she knows me.”

“What?” The guard is a little confused.

“Just call Celly, let her know Anthony is here.” The guard blows a whistle, calling over another guard. Once the situation is explained, he goes to get Celestia, leaving me and the new guy outside. The new guard is an Earth pony with a grey coat. He just stares at me wordlessly.

“What are you looking at?”

“Uh... nothing.” came the reply, he shifts his attention to the thin air right in front of him.

I settle back in, satisfied. “That’s what I thought.”

After a few moments, the large door opens and out walks Celestia. She sighs and gestures for me to come in. “What have you come for?”

I smile and spread my arms approachably. “What, I can’t drop in to visit my favorite princess?”

“I was unaware you thought so highly of me.” she says, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t.” I stick my tongue out at her. Honestly I don’t like either princess better than the other, but the sibling rivalry seems to get on her nerves.

Her eyebrow returns to place, “Well, unfortunately, Luna is asleep at the moment. Perhaps if you came back in a few hours.”

“I can wait, no problem.”

Celestia tilted her head. “I never pegged you to be the type to wait quietly for something to happen.”

I give her my usual smirk. “When did I say I’d be quiet?”

“Anthony, please... just...”

I grin a little wider, and say, “We can just sit and talk if you want.”

Celestia actually pauses at this. “Really? No tricks or games, just talking?”

“Of course.” I nod.

Celestia smiles. “I’d... actually like that. Come with me.”

We eventually come to a door that I follow her through. Thankfully I don’t have to duck much because these door were built for the princesses. We’re in a library. Celestia leads me to the most ill-fitting thing I could imagine in a royal library.

“Beanbag chairs?” I ask for confirmation. Sure they were in a sitting room, but that’s a much less... scholarly setting. Though these are big enough for me.

“I find them rather comfortable, as do many ponies.”

I sink down into the bag, relaxing.

Once she is settled in, Celestia addresses why we are here. “So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Me.”

She rolls her eyes, “Why am I not surprised?”

“Because I’m egotistical.” I answer the rhetorical question.

“Just get to the point, please.” she says, rolling a hoof in a ‘get on with it’ gesture oddly reminiscent of the same human gesture.

“Alright. Your guards at the gate tried to stab me through the chest.”

“What?” She looks genuinely confused and shocked at this.

“Yeah, they’re dicks. Anyway, what’s interesting is that they succeeded. Kind of.”

She pauses for a moment to flick her eyes over me, probably to see where I’d been stabbed. Finding nothing, she asks, “I’m confused, could you elaborate?”

“I’ll do better. I’ll demonstrate.” I begin my Spark. It’s much easier to do it in general than when I’m trying to run. I grab a book from the shelf and toss it to Celestia, who catches it in her magic. “Okay princess, throw it at me.”

She just looks at me. “What?”

“Throw the book. As hard as you like, right at my chest.” I pat my front where I mean as an indication.

“Are you sure?”

I pat my chest, indicating her target again. Celestia sighs and the book is hurled at me so fast I barely see it. She looks concerned for a moment when the book passes through my chest, and she check the ground at my feet to see if it had dropped. “What happened to it?” she asks.

I go over to the far wall and grab the book from the ground, and toss it to her again. She walks towards the wall. “That is... odd. Can you explain?”

“When I’m like this, I can become intangible. Nothing can physically touch me.”

Her jaw drops. “That is... incredible! Unicorns must use incredible supplies of magic to accomplish such a feat-”

“Ponies use magic.” I say, shaking my head. “I don’t.”

She thinks for a moment, then, “...I’d like to test your upper limits, please.”

“Upper limits of what?” I ask as she starts leaving the room once more.

She turns to me, in an attempt to be what I assume is dramatic. “Everything.”

We enter a weight room. I assume it’s for the guards to stay in shape.

“So, what now?”

Celestia levitates a pair of one-handed weight to me and walks to a table. “I want you to sit here, and hold up the weights.”

“They’re barely heavy, this is going to be easy.”

“At first, yes. I will slowly increase their weight in increments of five pounds every minute. We will see how long you can last before you cannot hold the weights above the table by at least one inch.”

“Okay. I’m ready.”

After a while, we determine my limit is actually a bit under seventy pounds per arm, same as before I got here, and I can’t really lift it without using both hands. Without me growing that is. We figure that all my physical aspects increase equal to how much bigger I become.

We discover something else. If I’ve grown, I can’t Spark and vice-versa, meaning I can’t mix the powers. Also, Sparking does not increase my strength.

Celestia wanted to test my speed, but I explained the results of Twilight’s experiment, so we decided that we would just leave my speed as ‘unrecorded’ until better equipment was designed.

I actually like the workout, it’s invigorating. Then Celestia takes me to a pool and hands me some more weights, but these seem to be able to be attached to one’s body.

“I want you to put these on and see how long you can hold your breath. These weights will keep you from rising to the surface. You will pull this chain, ringing a bell, when you feel you can’t breathe any longer.”

“Isn’t this a bit dangerous? I could drown you know.”

“I can easily lift you out of the water, weights or not, with hardly any effort.” she says, in a reassuring tone. “You will be fine, I assure you.”

I pause. “Of all the ponies I’ve met... you’re the most human so far.”

Celestia pauses this time. “I- I’m not sure if that’s an insult or a compliment.”

“Neither am I.” I put on the weights and jump into the water, taking a breath before my head is submerged.

I stay calm. I focus. There is peace. No distractions. The water dulls all sounds to mere thrums on a baseline. I focus on the subtle vibrations of the water moving around me. I don’t know how long I’ve been down here. It could have been two minutes. Numbers mean nothing. Time means nothing. This is nice. After a while, I feel a pressure inside. It’s growing steadily. I suppose I’m running out of air. I want to meet the challenge though. The pressure eventually becomes a burn. I’m done. I remove the weights, leaving them in the pool and swim to the surface, taking in steady lungfuls of air.

I remember Celestia is here when she speaks. “You were supposed to ring the bell.”

“I prefer independance.”

“That is rather evident.” She sighs.

“So how long was it?”

“I’m not too sure.” she checks her timer again. “After a minute or so, you started to Spark again.”

“I didn’t try to, it just happened.” I’m not sure if I’m apologetic, or not. Eh.

She looks back up at me. “Either way, in that state, you lasted thirty-five minutes.”

My eyes widen. “Woah.”

She continues. “With all that we’ve discovered, with your abilities, you are the fastest, and most resilient, person or pony to ever take this training course.”

“Training course?”

She nods serenely. “This is the standard training all my new guards go through as initiation to test them. Other guards use it to see how they’ve improved over time. You’ve outdone all the records of every royal guard I’ve ever met. Even my captains haven’t been able to match.”

“Great Scott...” I breathe.

“I am aware that you need employment, Anthony.” Celestia says, somewhat inquisitively.

“Are you suggesting I join your battalion?” I ask, a bit touchy about the idea.

“If you want.” she says.

“Wait, let me get this straight. You think I would actually function in a military setting?”

“I think the structure would do you well, but perhaps not. I suppose we could find a different job for you. I’m sure a letter of recommendation from me will guarantee a position in whatever you choose.”

After a while, I come up with an idea. “What fuel source do your trains use?”

Celestia is a bit confused, but answers anyway. “We have some that are pulled by groups of ponies, but many of them run on coal.”

“How about I do that? Shovel coal I mean.”

“I suppose, but why would you want to?”

“It shouldn’t be too hard for me, and I won’t be around many ponies.”

“Hmm...” she thinks, then nods. “You are right. I will see what I can do.”

I return to the castle library and plop down in a beanbag. Celestia went off to work on getting me a job and do her usual princess things.

It’s weird. I used to think ‘princess things’ involved brushing your hair, and looking pretty in whatever schmancy dress you put on. Here, it’s paperwork and passing judgement.

It’s the next day, and I’m back in Ponyville. I’m heading to the train station, to start my first day of work. I may be late by a few minutes, or early. I’m not sure.

I walk up to the ticket stall. It’s the same pony as before, and he seems a bit less freaked out. “Sorry Mac, we don’t have any trains running, come back in an hour.”

“You don’t want me here?”

“No, beat it.”

“Princess Celestia might be disappointed you’re turning me down, you see, I’m here to work.”

He shakes his head. “Of course the recommendation had to be for you.”

“Yup, so what first?”

“Come with me.” The pony sighs, leaving his workstation to lead me to mine.

Now I’m in a train, shoveling coal. It’s pretty easy as I thought. Something did surprise me though; a bandanna or mask is not part of the ‘employee uniform’. Apparently, they haven’t had anyone get black lung disease. I’m not stupid, so I’ve covered my nose and mouth with my shirt. I’ll bring a bandana tomorrow.

Eventually, I get bored of shoveling, the back and forth is so obnoxious after a while.

I start to just grab lumps of coal from the pile and toss it in. The lumps are much lighter as individuals than when in shovelfuls.

Very light. Eh, maybe it’s just me. I realize that given my abilities, I could probably take out the entire royal platoon. Celestia would probably stop me, and being public enemy number one of an entire continent wouldn’t be good.

By the time my shift is over, I’m absolutely covered in coal dust. My face is obviously fine, given my foresight, but my arms and clothes have large black spots here and there. I’m walking back to Golden Oaks when I hear a piercing shriek. It was either a mare, or a banshee.

Yep, it’s a pony. Wait, she’s actually approaching me. Oh, it’s Rarity. “Hey, I know we haven’t spent much time together, but was the scream of terror really necessary?”

“Of course dear. I mean, just look at yourself.”

“Just because I look ugly to you...” To make a similar point, supposedly she’s a ‘looker’ but to me, she just puts on makeup and speaks with a better vocabulary than most, she’s hardly desirable.

Rarity shakes her head. “I meant you are positively filthy!”

“Yeah, I’m a coal shoveler now, deal with it.” I turn to walk away.

“No, you require new clothes and a bath immediately.” Rarity insists, following me but keeping her ‘fabulous’ white coat away from the dust cloud I make when I move.

Ugh, they want to help me. This is worse than being scared of me. “I think I’ll just deal with it myself, thanks.”

“Do you even have a spare set of clothes?”

“Nope.”

“Wait... you mean...”

“I’ve been wearing this for about three weeks straight? Yup.”

At this, Rarity goes bug-eyed. “You will come with me to my boutique this instant!” she says with a half-hysterical note in her voice.

“Rarity, I’d hate to disappoint you...” Her eyes light up. “But I don’t give a crap, so you can take your new clothes and shove them up yo-”

Rarity has grabbed me in her magic and is now pulling me, I assume, to her clothes shop. I hate unicorns.

A few minutes later, I’m being measured by Rarity. I’d probably do something about it, but being tied to a chair limits my options. I try breaking the bonds by growing, but all it does, oddly enough, is dig my wrists further into the ropes rather than straining them, and so I shrink back down before I hurt myself.

She’s also put a cloth in my mouth to gag me. It might have something to do with my expletive-filled shouts of protest. Maybe. Or possibly her mention of someone sleeping. Anyway, she’s done measuring and is now at her sewing machine making me a ‘fabulous new wardrobe’. I decide to try something. “Mmph!” Stupid gag.

“Do you want something, darling?”

I hate it when she calls me that. I think she knows it.

I Spark up, giving Rarity quite a surprise, as she’s never seen it before. I focus on becoming intangible, the ropes falling in. After a few moments, it happens and I get up off the chair, pulling the cloth out of my mouth. I walk over and grab her by the horn. She’s flailing at this point.

Still holding her horn, I lift her up so we’re eye-to-eye. She’s whimpering, eyes shut tight. “If you put lace or frills on anything, I will get angry.” I whisper those words into her ear, as menacingly as I can manage.

I then set her gently on the ground, turn off my Spark, and walk off to lean against the far wall. I admit, some new clothes would be nice.

Chapter 8

My head is throbbing. My body feels weak. But I’m awake. I sit up and realize I’m in some sort of infirmary. There’s no needles or anything stuck in me. Good. I hate needles.

My head is still pounding when I hear someone walk in. It’s Twilight.

“So... how’d you like the show?” I ask weakly.

“I’m not sure if you’re amazing, or the most recklessly irresponsible person in history.”

I chuckle and attempt a smile. It hurts. “Why not be both?”

She sighs. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Awwww...” I give her a hug which she returns. Is this the strangest ‘friendship’ ever or what?

After the hug ends, she pulls a book out of her saddlebags. “I brought you something to read.”

I groan, remembering Rainbow Dash’s hospitalization story. “Not Daring Do, please?”

“Don’t worry, it’s a book on magic. You seemed interested, so I figured I’d get you something a bit more in-depth.”

“Actually Twilight.” Luna walks in with the diamond moon I made, wearing it like a pendant. Awww, she cares. “I think he should get some rest. All that energy usage was very draining for him.”

I actually think about that. “Hey Twilight, do you have a blank book, like a journal?”

“Not with me, but I could bring you one.” she says, smiling.

“Do that. I’ll get some rest. Just leave the book here if I’m still asleep.”

“Okay.” Both her and Luna leave me to my thoughts. I want the journal to write down the interesting things I know, want to know, and theories I have about my powers. For example, I’ve seen unicorns use spells and get tired. That’s normal, but using spells steadily drains them and eventually they get too weak to do anything. On the other hand, my powers take energy from me as well, but instead of steadily getting weaker, I can use my powers continually at full power, but once I stop, the fatigue hits me all at once.

Going into my Spark form alone doesn’t cost me anything, but using related abilities like speed and intangibility do have an effect, once I return to normal, I do notice being a bit tired. I’m tired now... Luna’s right, I should sleep...

I wake up and I look to the left. There’s a red book with a clasp on it. Must be the journal Twilight brought me. I reach for it, but I feel some resistance from my right arm. I look to the right and I see an IV stand. Oh no... I look down at my arm. Needle!

I scream, ripping the needle from my arm. I knock the IV stand as far away from me as possible. The scream has made a pony come into the room. I’m freaking out too much to notice what it looks like. My breathing is ragged as all I can do mutter is a mantra of fear.
“I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles.”

I look at the pony. “No more needles. N-no more needles...” The pony nods and backs away slowly, exiting the room once more.

It takes a while, but eventually I calm down. I then realize I had been holding my arms across my chest and shivering the entire time. I hate needles.

Exhausted, I pass out once more.

When I wake up, I snap my head side to side. No IV, no needle. I relax with a heavy sigh. I reach for the journal. There’s a small bag of coal next to it, a note on it saying

“Try this before you use a quill. Let me know how it goes. Twilight Sparkle.”

Heh, this could be interesting.

I pull some coal dust up and form them into letters, pressing them against the first page of the journal. They stick. I can even write with coal. I pull letters and punctuation marks back off. I even have a backspace button. Awesome. I can even make it fancy-looking! I can use coal instead of ink and it even looks better than my own handwriting, yay, I’m not hampered by my apraxia!

I ‘write’ down all I’ve learned about my powers, what I want to learn, and multiple theories. Wait. I can solve one right now.

I Spark up, and try to lift some coal into the air. It works, but it also forces me to power down. I try again, this time not lifting the coal, but setting it on fire. I Spark up and focus on the result. Fire. Heat. Burning. I see the glow around my arm pulse. Once, twice. I put more effort into it. I stop thinking about the coal and just what I want to happen. I want to see fire.

Suddenly, my arms lights up in a bright flash. When it subsides, I see that the glow has changed to a bright orange, my actual arm is a strong shade of vermillion. I then notice that the bed sheets have caught fire!

The coal didn’t heat up, I did! I realize that the flames of the blankets don’t hurt at all. I get up out of the bed. How far can I take this?

I focus on getting hotter. To burst into flames. And I do. My body is a blazing inferno, flames leaping from me. I look in a mirror. My features are obscured by the blazing, crackling fire. But my eyes are still visible as bright lights, shining brighter than the flames. Then I hear a loud, piercing, shrill noise. Then I’m wet. My fire is put out and so is the bed. It takes a few moments to realize I set off a fire alarm. Right after I finish that thought, a few ponies rush into the room. I’m standing there, shocked and wet. They stare at me. They probably weren’t entirely aware of exactly what was in this room. I grab the journal and the sack of coal, leaping out a nearby window. I then realize I was on the third or fourth floor. Crap.

Luckily, my neck breaks my fall. And by luckily, I mean. “Ohhhhhh holy mother of god that hurts...”

I look up and realize I’m in Canterlot. Massaging my neck, I decide to pay the princesses another visit. I approach the gates and there are more guards. I’m too tired to try anything. “I’m not feeling up to kicking your butts, so can you just get Princess Celestia for me? Thanks.”

They stare at me dumbfounded. After a minute, one of the guards flaps his wings, rising into the air and flying towards the castle.

I sit down cross-legged on the ground. I don’t feel like standing. After a few moments, the familiar flash of light appears in front of the guards. At Celestia’s presence, they immediately fall to their knees, bowing in respect. Pussies.

Celestia takes one look at me and sighs, rolling her eyes. One flash later and I’m inside the castle once more. “Anthony, if your current health condition wasn’t in question, I would hit you for your stupidity.”

“Wouldn’t be the worst I’ve gotten.” I smirk.

She rolls her eyes again. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Feed me?” I suggest.

The princess places her hoof to her forehead, sighing again. “Fine, if you’re hungry, I suppose I should oblige.”

“Got any chicken?”

She looks at me. “What?”

“Fried chicken. Or steak. I’m not picky.”

“You... eat meat?” I open my mouth wide, pointing to my cuspids, designed specifically for the tearing of meat. It takes a moment for Celestia to respond. “...I see. But you also seem to have teeth for grinding vegetables.”

“Fruit is fine too, but I personally prefer a protein-centered diet.”

“How many ponies know of this... preferred diet?”

“A vast majority seems to think I might eat them, but I won’t eat anything sentient. Especially not raw. Your subjects are perfectly safe, no matter how hungry I get. But there’s no guarantees if they piss me off.“

“I’m aware of what you did with my guards the other day.”

“Unless you consider a possibly bruised chest an injury, I didn’t cause them any harm.”

“What I heard was... different.”

“A panicked mind tends to exaggerate, I’m sure you know that.”

“I do. So, what do you want, aside from food? Oh, the kitchen is this way.” She leads me through the castle as we continue our conversation.

“Well, I have developed a new skill while I was in hospital.”

“You did? Interesting.” She quirks an eyebrow, and her tone is interested.

“Yeah. Also, speaking of hospitals, I’d prefer if you make some sort of clause for me where I am exempt from needles of any form.”

“But we may not be able to test your vitals or blood if I do.” She warns me.

“I’d rather take that risk, thank you.” I reply, dead serious.

“I suppose I could do something about that. As long as you understand the problems that might arise from this.”

“I am. I just hate needles a lot. So, when do we eat?”

“Well, I’m not sure what has been prepared, if anything, but the kitchen is right here.”

“Perfect. I’m starving.”

We walk into the kitchen, and I see a bowl of prepared cookie dough. Sweet! “Oooh, cookie dough.” I reach for a handful, but a hoof slaps my hand away.

“Animal!” the voice not nearly as cultured as is common with Canterlot. “You have not even washed your hooves! Do not touch my batter!”

“Yeah, whatever.” I grab the bowl and reach in, pulling out a chunk, the chef pony looks disgusted and stomps off. Don’t care, I have cookie dough.

Celestia looks a bit angry. I take another chunk of dough and hand it to her. “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want some?”

Celestia blinks. “No matter how much time I spend with you, I don’t know what to think of you. You request special privileges of a selfish nature, but then you freely offer what little you have. You terrorize my ponies for no apparent reason, but offer friendship and compassion at a moment’s notice. You insult others without much provocation, and yet value friends like priceless treasures.” she shakes her head. “I wonder if you are even sane, sometimes.”

“I’m probably not. Sanity is overrated.” I take another bite of the dough.

“You know raw eggs are not good for you. You could get sick. I insist you at least let us bake that first.”

“Nah, I’ll do it myself.” I Spark up and concentrate on what I did earlier. This time focusing the fire on just my hand rather than my entire body. My body glows reddish like before and flames engulf my hand and the ball of dough.

Celestia backs up in shock. I then stop the burning. I realize I’ve made an actual cookie, but burned it. “Huh, guess I need a bit more practice. Oh well.” I eat the burnt cookie anyway and power down. Celestia stammers. “H- how... is this the new power you mentioned developing?”

“Yep. It seems to be a separate skill from my coal manipulation, as it’s linked to my Spark form, but I can’t manipulate coal in my Spark form.”

“Amazing...” she looks contemplative, bringing another, baked, cookie up, this one for her. “How many powers do you think you have?”

“No idea, but this is so cool.” I grin and cook another piece of dough. “Relatively speaking, that is.”

This time, I stop the blaze sooner and I managed to bake the cookie properly. I hand it to Celestia. As soon as her hoof touches it, she pulls i away. “That’s hot!”

I take a bite of it. “Not really.” Still chewing, I power down again. Suddenly it feels like I just drank lava. I spit out the cookie. “Hot hot hot hot hot hot!” I rush to the sink and turn it on, gulping down water by the mouthful. My mouth has cooled down, but my tongue still feels scalded.

“It seems that you are immune to heat while in your fire form.” Celestia mused.

“Did you think of that yourself?” I ask sarcastically.

“I had a physical demonstration as a visual aid, but yes.” Comes the rather playful response. She’s definitely smiling impishly.

“Did I mention how human you are?” This only draws a chuckle.

I don’t realize what time it is until Celestia excuses herself to lower the sun. I don’t really understand it, but I guess in magic ponyland, all kinds of science stops working. Won’t stop me from applying it though. After all, it’s official that my powers aren’t based on magic.

I decide to give myself a tour of the castle. It’s not long before I get lost. This place is huge. Then I see a pony guard. I figure I can ask for direc- That’s not a pony!

It’s pony shaped, but the eyes are reptilian, noticeable fangs, and it’s wings aren’t feathered, they have a visible membrane like a bat. That is awesome!

I’m approached by the unusual ungulate, and so I address him. “Hiya, what’s up?”

He studies me for a moment before speaking. “I assume you are Anthony?”

It seems I’m famous. As I should be by now. “You would be correct.” I say, glad he knows me.

“I have been ordered to take you to the Princess of the Night, she wishes an audience with you.”

As girly as a princess position is, Luna has got to have the coolest title I have ever heard. “Alright.”

I follow him through the hallways. “So... what does Luna want with me?”

“She did not relay that information to me.” he says, face stony as a block of obsidian. “I was only instructed to retrieve you.”

I nod. “Ah.”

We walk in silence until we come to an ornate door, stylized with blacks and dark shades of blue, highlighted by specks of white or silver for stars. The doorknob is a waning (or is it waxing?) moon. Fancy.

The guard opens the door and ushers me inside, closing the door behind me. Luna is standing in the middle of the room. “Just the person I wanted to see.”

“I’m the only person to see, the rest of y’all are horses of some kind.”

“Yes...” she says, pausing for a moment. “Quite.”

I notice she’s still wearing the diamond moon I made. “Heh, liking my little creation, are we?”

“Yes. It is very beautiful.” she chuckles, smiling. “That makes it a very interesting product when one considers the source...”

“So did you bring me here just to throw me a few backhanded compliments, or did you just miss the wonderful sound of my voice?”

“Neither. I want to talk with you.” She settles onto a large beanbag chair for comfort.

“About what?”

“You.” I give a cocky smirk. “And your potential to be a dangerous threat that should be stopped.” Smirk is gone, serious business now.

“What.” I don’t like where this is going.

“Celestia shared the results of your... performance exam.” Lots of red flags going up.

“The one the guards take?”

“Exactly. With even your basic abilities, you are capable of causing a bit of trouble, but with your powers, and the ability to defuse magic at times...” She trails off, and I don’t like her tone.

“I’m pretty much the toughest guy in town.” I lightly pound my chest in a show of toughness.

“And possibly Equestria. With each new ability you develop, the more of a potential threat you become. If you chose to rampage, I’m not sure how much damage you could cause before you were finally stopped.”

“Probably a good portion of Equestria.” I say, shrugging. If this is just a threat assessment thingy, I’m sure I’m fine. I’m no godzilla, after all.

“Exactly my point. My sister may disagree, but I believe that with just how powerful you are, you could become a serious problem for the populace. Without a leash, that is.”

That pushes a serious metaphorical button. I can feel my heart rate slow, like there’s ice water in my veins. “Leash? Leash!? You want to tie me down? Lock me up like a beast!?”

“Well I-”

The ice water boils over. “Like a common animal? I don’t think so. I don’t care how you insult me or hurt me, because you’re a princess, I should respect you. But anyone and I mean anyone who tries to lock me up? They will not be spared.”

“Are you saying you are superior to me, mortal?” she says, standing once more.

I stick a finger in her direction, “I’m saying you should watch what you threaten me with.”

“If you oppose me, I will make sure you rot in a dungeon!” She tries to push me to my knees with her magic. I fight back, but with words.

“I know why you really did it.” My voice is as calm as I can manage.

Her eyes narrow. “Did what?”

“I know why you locked up Discord. The real reason.”

Her eyes go wide. “What? You may have heard our stories, but you know nothing of Discord!”

“Do I? You made him sound rather powerful. Dangerously powerful. So you imprisoned him in stone. You didn’t do it because he was evil, you did it because he opposed your positions as rulers, because he could potentially beat you.”

“You dare imply-”

“You don’t care about your subjects, you just want anyone stronger than you out of your way. You’re tyrants!”

“We are not!” she says, voice loud enough to blow my clothes back dramatically. “That is not why we imprisoned Discord!”

“But it’s why you want to imprison me. If you try it now, what’s to say you didn’t do it before?”

“If you knew Discord, you wouldn’t say that.” she says, severely.

“I don’t know him.” An idea flashes into my mind. “But I intend to.”

“What!?” Her voice is strangled, and a look of shock comes over her face.

“I’m going to release Discord. I want his story!”

“Everyone experiences things differently, he will make himself sound like the victim!” she says sounding desperate.

“Just like the eight of you did earlier?”

“Th- that’s different!”

I jab my finger at her once more, stepping forward to make my point. “Says you.”

“You believe you can fairly judge us?”

“I’m not just judging you, I’m telling you what I see from your actions, and right now, I see power-hungry dictators using the guise of kind protectors!”

She snarls. “To think I considered you a friend! You will not release Discord, I forbid it!”

I Spark up and ignite, Luna becoming shocked at my new form. “I. Obey. Nobody.”

I grab her by the horn and charge my flames into it. I hear her scream in pain as I burn what I had learned was the most sensitive part of a unicorn or Alicorn’s body. Thank you Twilight, your books are very helpful.

I squeeze harder and she screams. The bat-pony guard rushes in. I let go of Luna’s horn and watch her slump to the floor. The guard charges at me, but my intangibility makes him phase right through me. I spin around, grab him by the neck, and smash his face into the floor of Luna’s room. Still holding him by the neck, I carry him out of the room and stare into his eyes with my red starbursts. “Take me to the gardens. Show me where Discord is.” I then drop him to the ground. He begins walking weakly down the hall.

Now we are outside, and he is leading me around a corner. We come to a medium-sized wooden building that definitely looks rather well-reinforced, and it’s unguarded.

I power down, and access the sack of coal in my pocket. I fashion a lump of coal into a dagger and hold it to the guard’s neck. “You think I’m stupid?” I whisper harshly. “You think I don’t know what a barracks looks like? I walk in there with a wounded guard, and I’m swarmed by whatever members of the platoon aren’t on-duty. That’s your game?” I coat the dagger in flames. “Well, playtime’s over, you have one more chance. Try and play me for a fool again, and your corpse won’t even be solid.” He nods, gritting his teeth angrily. Like I actually give a shit.

Finally, we come up to a bunch of statues. A lot of them are of ponies in various poses. Then, there’s a special one. It certainly looked like what Discord was described as looking, though a lot less dangerous. He actually looks scared. I knew that the princesses were just spewing propaganda. Well, let’s see what they think of imprisoning others once their prisoners are broken loose...

C̛͟҉͢h̛͏a̶̡͢͠͡p̕͠t̶̢e̷̡ŕ̷̷̢͏ ̷̡9̡͏̢҉

I approach the statue. By now the guard has run off. I know he’s not stupid, so he’s probably left to get backup. I think about how to release the imprisoned Spirit. I suppose I could just try to break the statue. I take the coal dagger and reform it into ‘brass’ knuckles on my right hand. I clench my fist and swing hard. I definitely made a crack. My hand hurts a bit, but I can easily tell that I did a good job as the crack is spreading. Light shines from the cracks, blinding me.

I hear more cracking and then a laugh. It’s very... well, I suppose the best description would be ‘charismatic’.

I lower my arms and I can see Discord standing in front of me. His figure leaves quite an impression, one that is hard to forget. But not that scary to be honest, despite multiple insistences that he was a monster. He seems more like a standard chimera to me.

“Well this is a surprise.” He chuckles, leaning down towards me. He’s almost half again taller than me, and probably a lot longer than that if he were stretched out. “You are quite interesting. What are you, my little rescuer?”

“I’m a human. And I suppose I am speaking with Discord, Spirit of Chaos?”

“The~ee one and only!” He strikes a pose and confetti appears, showering him as a fanfare blares. Quite the showman. He goes back to leaning towards me, an amused expression on his face. “So, why did you free me? Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

“I want to get to know you.” I answer plainly.

An eyebrow literally raises off his head, fluttering away like a butterfly after it achieves liftoff. “Really?” Discord asks, more than just a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Yes. I heard about you from the princesses and Element Bearers.” I explain, and this gets a narrow-eyed look from him for a moment, until I continue. “Unfortunately, they seemed heavily biased, so I took their information with a grain of salt.” The other eyebrow raises, this time simply going up at a steady pace. “Well, more like an entire spoonful. Anyway, I want to hear about you. I doubt you’re the terrible villain they claim you are.”

“Of course not!” he insists, smiling happily. “I just like to have fun. It’s not my fault that not everypony appreciates my idea of humor.”

“I relate completely.” I say, nodding sagely

“Ah, a kindred... well, you aren’t a spirit in the literal sense, I suppose.” he says, paw to his chin thoughtfully.

“Forget it. How about you demonstrate your idea of a good time?” I ask invitingly.

“You... are the first person to ask, kid.” he pulls em into a hug from the side, in spite of having been in front of me. “I like you.”

With a snap of his talons, we are on a rooftop in a fairly rural town. A bit more advanced than Ponyville, but not a sprawling city by any means. “Teleportation that doesn’t blind you? I appreciate that, thank you.”

“Why should magic annoy someone?” he says waving his paw in dismissal. “That’s just inconvenient.”

Glad to see someone understands. “Agreed. So where are we?”

“This, my disciple of chaos, is the city of Trottingham.” He gestures towards the little city with a sweep of his arm.

“Looks boring.” I say pointedly.

“My thoughts exactly.” He laughs as he snaps his paw-fingers and dark clouds form over the city.

“That’s it? Rain? You’re gonna make them wet?”

“Wait for it...” Discord says, giggling an excited chuckle. Suddenly, I hear a clap of thunder and it starts raining. But it’s not rain. Oh there’s water all right. Bottles of water.

I burst out laughing. “Oh lord, that’s awesome!”

He smiles happily, “Isn’t it just?”

We share laughs as we watch all the ponies run from the plastic containers falling from the sky. They’re freaking out like crazy. “H- hey Discord... “ I pant from all the laughing.

He wipes away a tear. “What?”

“Can I have a turn?” I ask, catching enough breath to speak properly.

“What can you do?”

I look around and I see a pony run under the canvas cover of a nearby store. I point at it. “Teleport me behind that pony.”

“Let’s see what you got, kid.” He snaps his fingers and I’m behind the pony as requested. I grin. This is going to be awesome. I wait for a few moments and then I Spark up, my glowing blue form drawing the pony’s attention.

“Boo!” She screams and runs out from under the canvas... *thunk* Just in time for a bottle of water to bean her right on the head. “Critical Hit!” I shout as I pump my fist in the air. Suddenly I’m next to Discord who’s laughing his head off. Literally, his head isn’t on his shoulders but rolling on the ground. His body, however, is in the traditional, goofy ‘laughing uproariously’ pose.

“That... That was perfect! Ahahahahahahaaaaaa...”

I pick up Discord’s head and reattach it... on his rear end. “What’s up, assface?”

With a *pop* he’s back to normal and we high five each other, laughing like maniacs.

I grin and say, “L- let’s do something else!”

“You don’t even have to ask!” Discord shouts. I’m having a blast!

We continue our laughing as we cause havoc throughout Trottingham, freaking out ponies left and right. Discord starts some music out of nowhere and we dance to the offbeat ‘rhythm’, watching as ponies avoid whatever nonsensical obstacle they face. This is the most entertaining day of my life.

“Hah, I knew the princesses were lying. They just have no sense of humor!”

“You are my new favorite person, Anthony!” Odd, I don’t recall telling him my name... eh, oh well, who cares?

Our two-man, city-wide party continues until the light of dawn. Wait. Dawn.

I turn to Discord. “Celestia’s awake.” I say with an evil grin.

Discord returns my expression and snaps his fingers. We are outside the throne room. I whisper into Discord’s ear and he chuckles, nodding.

Discord disguises us as potted plants while we wait, but when Celestia approaches her throne, I’m no longer a plant. I leap onto her back and mash a magically-summoned three-layer cake into her face. “Good morning, Celestia. Did that cake you up? I must say, that white fur makes you look a little pastry.”

“Anthony!” She wipes the cake from her face. “What in the world-”

“Wait, you missed a spot, right here!” I repeat the process, this time with a pie. Discord can’t help himself. He returns to his normal form and we end up rolling on the floor, holding our sides as we laugh.

“Discord!?”

“Nope.” I say. “It’s Chuck Testa!” Discord and I high five again.

“Anthony!” she has a wild look in her eyes, and her voice cracks with panic. I can’t help but start laughing again. “What is going on? Why is Discord free!?”

“If you forgot, I mentioned my intention of meeting him. And I consider you a liar.” I say, still on the floor.

She just looks confused at this, a panoply of other emotions mixing in her expression as her eyes flick between me and Discord. “What?”

“We spent the entirety of last night causing chaos, and I honestly didn’t see him do anything nearly as bad as you say he did.” I reply, folding my arms and sticking my tongue out at the princess.

A guard rushes in and slides into a kneel at Celestia’s hooves. “Y- your highness, P- princess Luna, she’s been attacked!”

Celestia’s eyes burn with rage. “Disco~ord!!”

I step in front of her, hand up. “Actually, that was me.”

Both Celestia and Discord gasp. Discord pulls me towards him. “You hurt Luna!?” He seems... a bit angry.

“I do not tolerate anyone who desires my imprisonment, and when Luna summoned me to her chambers last night, she had the nerve to suggest just that, even while wearing the diamond moon I blacked out to give her.” I say matter-of-factly, keeping the tone of a librarian reminding someone to be quiet.

Discord and Celestia blink, but Discords finds words first. “Woah, that’s harsh. Both of you, I mean. So what’d you do?”

“Why don’t you go see for yourself.” I say, shrugging.

“Geez kid, you’re pretty dark.” Discord says, backing up a bit, looking puzzled.

“Yep.” My reply is simple, but causes Discord to grin nervously.

Luna has been moved from the floor to her bed, but her horn is still very visibly damaged, the dark burn marks easy to see, even against the dark blue of her horn.

“You know, Luna pissed me off so much, that technically she’s the reason why I decided to release Discord in the first place.” I mention.

Celestia magically yanks me towards herself, her ‘kind and benevolent ruler’ mask pretty much broken out of sheer rage. I admit, angry Celestia is pretty scary, but I stand my ground. “You suggest that my sister is the one at fault here!?”

I keep my calm. “Of course not. I attacked her, if anyone’s to blame, it’s probably me.” This earned another ‘Woah.’ from Discord and a deeper glare from Celestia. “So Celestia. Do you wanna try and take me on? If I can stop the Elements of Harmony, I doubt you’d be much better off. Just go sit on your throne and look all pretty for the nice ponies while the grown-ups do their things, okay?”

Discord has his eyes crossed and has a smile literally bigger than his head. “Oh my, I certainly missed quite a lot of delicious chaos, didn’t I? Anywhats, I believe it is time we make our leave.”

I realize Discord means that he’s going to teleport us, so I make sure my last words make an impact. “Call me when you get a sense of humor and humility.”

“Daaaaaayum girl, you got burned!” Discord snaps his fingers and we’re outside the castle.

“You certainly have guts, kid.” Discord comments. “And you must be tough to beat Luna. How good are you at magic?”

“I’m not. I don’t use magic. My powers are natural abilities that make themselves known over time.”

“Very interesting, but just to check...” He snaps his fingers. “There, I’ve negated any access you have to magic. If you try anything related to magic, it won’t work.”

I grab some coal from my pocket and demonstrate a few tricks just as usual. Then I Spark up and pick up a stick, jabbing it into my chest, successfully demonstrating intangibility. Then I Ignite and incinerate the stick to ashes. I power down, and grow until the tallest tree around is as big as a toothpick, then I shrink back down to normal. Discord’s jaw is literally touching the ground, his eyes wider than dinnerplates.

“I can also cancel out magic if I’m aware of it being used before it affects me.”

“Really?” Oh, he sounds like a kid who just realized he’s been locked inside a candy store overnight.

“Ask Twilight. The Elements of Harmony were a joke.”

“You stopped the Elements!?” Once again, he looks shocked. I’m impressing all the deity-level folks around here, and it feels awesome.

I shrug, playing it off as nothing, though I honestly still don’t know how I did it. “Wasn’t that hard, honestly.”

“But...” he says, looking baffled. “No counterspell is that strong!”

“I thought we settled that I don’t use magic.” I say, smirking.

“So you can stop the Elements of Harmony?”

“Yup.”

“And defeat Princess Luna using just your hand?”

I nod, smirking. “In ten seconds if I’m close.”

Discord pulls out a referee whistle and blows hard, raising his arms. “Watch out, we got a gamebreaker over here!”

I chuckle. “Heh, I suppose. Now, how about we go pay Twilight a little ‘visit’?”

“That sounds like an absolute delight!” He says, wiggling his fingers/talons in the traditional ‘evil plotting in progress’ manner.

“Well, we’re here, anyway.” I say as we near the giant tree.

“We are?” he looks around, neck ignoring biological constraints again. “Huh. Well, I admit this town did look quite different last time I was around.” Discord says, taking in the scenery.

“Really? What was it like?” I’m very interested in what he came up with to change things around here.

“Reversed gravity, purple-checkered grass, soap roads, and cotton-candy clouds that rained exploding chocolate milk.” Discord replies, grinning and looking dreamily into thin air as he reminisces.

“You, Sir Discord, are my hero.” I give an exaggerated bow of respect.

He practically preens at the praise. “You have no idea how much I appreciate someone who sees my work the way I do.”

“I might have an estimate at least.” I snark. “Anyway, what say we say hi to the librarian?” I walk in the door and see Twilight reading a book as usual.

She looks up and rushes to me immediately. “Where have you been!? I checked the hospital, but they said you ran off!”

“I didn’t like their methods, so I left.” I say, shrugging it off. “I spent the rest of the time in Canterlot. Although I spent a night in Trottingham.”

“Trottingham!?”

“Yep. By the way, I made a new friend.”

“Really?” she seems relieved. Heh. “That’s great! Who is it?”

“Oh, I think you know him.”

Discord pops out from behind me. “Oh, how wonderful it is to see you, Twilight Sparkle!”

She stammers... “D- Dis-” *whump* and faints.

I’ve moved Twilight to her bed, and sit by her side until she wakes up. I assume Spike was out running errands. “A- Anthony?”

“Hiya Twilight, you feeling okay?”

A long groan issues from her as she tries to remember. “Not really. What happened?” she looks around the room, still kind of out of it.

“You ran up to me as I walked in and tripped, you hit your head.” The lie rolls easily from my lips. She doesn’t even get suspicious.

“Oh. I had the worst dream.” She says, eating up my lie like it was a piece of caramel.

“You did? Do tell.” It’s hard to keep from laughing.

“I dreamed that you freed Discord.” she chuckles out a nervous titter. “I’m soooo glad you didn’t. It would have been a disaster.”

“A disaster? You mean like this?” I chuckle, holding up a mirror. Twilight sees her reflection and completely flips out.

While she was unconscious, Discord and I pulled out some markers and drew all over her face. I gave her nerd glasses, buck-teeth and a fancy moustache. Her forehead just below her horn had “Discord was here!” on it and a smiley face on each cheek. Seeing her reaction, I positively lose it and fall off the bed laughing like nuts, and after a moment, Discord pops in and joins me.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!”

Now I’m being chased out of the library, dodging books which are being flung at me. I could Spark up and go intangible, but when she thinks she might hit me, it’s just more fun.

Then I get another idea. I grab one of the books. It’s Daring Do. Perfect. I run over to the window. “Hey, Twilight! You should really be more careful about who you throw books at!”

I dangle the book in my right hand as I Spark up and forming a single flame on my left index finger, my mouth a naughty ‘o’ shape as I slowly move my left finger closer to the flammable piece of bad literature.

“Don’t you fucking dare!!” she shrieks, and a series of vases hover behind her in her magical grip.

This is great... seriously, this is the best! “Oh my, someone learned a big-girl word!”

“Anthony, you are so dead!!” And I’ll rue the day, yadda yaddaa~aah that vase almost hit me.

Chapter 10

I Spark up and run off as fast as possible, heading deeper towards the center of Ponyville. It takes a few moments, but Discord pops up next to me again. “Wow, you’re fast. I actually had to look for you!”

“Not faster than Rainbow Dash, what with her Sonic Rainboom.” I say, admitting the inferiority I still haven’t paid for. I will though, once I find a way to do it with me coming out on top.

“Eh, like that matters. Let’s have some fun!” Discord says eagerly.

“Yes, let’s.” I think for a second. “But what should we do first?”

Discord tut-tuts at me. “Well, I suppose it depends on the targets, doesn’t it?”

“Right you are Discord...” an epiphany catches me. “And I just thought of the perfect trick for the perfect target.”

“Oh, goody!” Discord says, rubbing his forelimbs together and producing cricket noises. “Where is our victim?”

“Best guess?” I say, “Carousel Boutique.”

We are in our usual position: The rooftop on the other side of the road from our target. I can see Rarity doing her designing schtick through the window. “So, what are we going to do?” Discord asks. “Soak her in soda? Dye her coat? Turn her hair into a snake?”

“Discord, have you ever read a book called the Velveteen Rabbit?” I ask, looking at him directly.

“No, I have not.”

“In it, a toy rabbit is made of velvet and he wants to be real, yadda yadda.” the explanation goes quickly, I don’t need to go in-depth. “Anyway, a bunch of happy-feely magic crap later, he becomes real and has fur.”

Both his eyebrows take off like a bird and settle into a tree and start chirping. I have got to learn to raise my eyebrows that hard. “So?”

“Let’s do a reverse.” I say, grinning impishly.

After a moment, he realizes I mean changing her coat to cloth. “Wait, but velvet is silky and soft, wouldn’t she like that?”

“I had a different material in mind.” I say, aiming a leer at the unsuspecting pony.

Moments later, we’re outside the window, watching Rarity. With a snap of Discord’s talons, Rarity’s coat, unbeknownst to her, has made a very drastic transformation. I walk into the boutique.

As I walk in, I hear Rarity start her little advert.

“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chique, unique and magni-” Her voice goes from chipper to chilled in an instant. “oh, it’s you.”

I hang my head in apologetic sadness. “Listen Rarity, I came to apologize. I know I was a jerk to your sister, and I’m sorry.” I say, my apology sincere. Hey, two birds, one stone and all that. “I... I was just having a bad day and I took it out on her. I didn’t mean to be so harsh but... could you find it in your heart to forgive me? Supposing your sister does as well...”

The unicorn’s eyes soften almost immediately. “Anthony, what you did was horrible, but if you truly mean that... I suppose we can start on a path to recovery.”

“Thanks Rarity that means a... lot... to...”

“Is something the matter, darling?”

“Y- your coat! What’s happened!?” I fake shock, as if the change occurred just now.

She looks down and notices her fur. It’s brown, saggy and rough. She starts to freak out and rushes to a mirror. Her entire body, all that used to be white was transformed. When the realization hits her she screams. She tries to cast a few spells, but it doesn’t work. She rushes over to me. “Anthony, I appreciate what you are here to do, but there is a very important matter I must attend to immediately!”

“I understand Rarity, do whatever you need to.” I walk out and meet up with Discord by the window. He’s laughing like crazy. “Th- the look on her face! Burlap fur? Priceless. Anthony, you are a genius!”

I bow once more. “Oh no, Discord, I could do nothing without your magic, the credit is yours to take.”

“Then I will take it!” He grins. “Though what was that little apology speech about?”

“Let’s just say that I’ve been an asshole to a lot of ponies.” I admit.

He shrugs, no fucsk given. Ah well. “Very well, any more ponies you can think of that we can mess with?”

I smile innocently “Of course I do, and I’ve already got some ideas.”

“Wonderful!” Discord clasps his hands together in excitement. “Let’s get started right away!”

I’m definitely having a good time. Each of my plans is better than the next, Discord in a near constant state of laughter. God I love that laugh. His normal method was good, but a bit wide spread. That’s good for a few laughs, but when you take time to work your plans around a small amount of ponies at a time, you can get much more intricate, and the result has a lot more effect.

I spend the rest of the day teaching Discord about the wonders of laser-guided chaos, and he loves it.

But I do admit I miss what he did in Trottingham. Turning a quiet little urban sprawl into a city of raving crazies. Beautiful...

We decide that this should be our finale: Ponyville Two: Electric Boogaloo.

The sun is now a disco ball, all the ponies have rollerskates, and the roads and grass has been converted into a huge skating rink.

We then start a competition with us as the judges. If a pony is bad at skating, we pull a rope and dump a bucket of goo on them. Those that are good at skating entertain us in the natural way. At one point there’s a bright light from somewhere and a lot of cheering but we ignore it as we don’t see anything terribly out of the ordinary.

Then I think of something. “Hey Discord. Do you plan on doing things like this every day? Not the same tricks, but chaos in general?”

“Of course!” He says cheerfully.

“Well, that could get bland.” I warn.

This shocks the Spirit. “How!?”

“Even if new tricks are played each day, eventually, no matter how wild or crazy it gets, the ponies will get used to it. They’ll just expect something crazy to happen. Even if they don’t know exactly what will happen, they still expect chaos, and if something is expected, there’s no shock value and it becomes boring.” I explain, being a bit disappointed Discord never thought of this.

“So... you’re suggesting that we take a few days off every once in awhile, let them think things are normal, and then do it again?”

I grin. “You could do that. Or we could undo all of this, and suddenly, none of these ponies remember anything as it never happened, allowing us to cause all the havoc we want until we finally run out of material.”

“That’s glorious! But how do we do that?” He asks, gleeful.

I lean back in my seat, watching the skating continue. “Well, just turn back time and-”

He stops me with a sharp, “No! No messing with time. That stuff is way too complex, and while I can easily handle whatever problem may arise from it, I don’t want to have to deal with it if I don’t have to.” Discord replies, dead serious for the first time since I met him. Which isn’t that long, but still.

“You have a point, time travel is rather delicate... woah, deja vu... anyways, guess we’ll have to go with the plan where we take a few days off.” That was a weird feeling. I wonder what caused it?

“Agreed.” We shake hands by grabbing each other’s left ankle and hopping up and down three times on our right feet.

The next day, I wake up in the field by the schoolhouse as usual. I then notice the schoolhouse is upside-down and flooded. Discord. Heh, I can’t wait to see Cheerilee’s face when she-

“H- heeeeelp!” What the-?

“Help!” it’s coming from the schoolhouse. “Somepony!”

That pitch... that’s... a kid!

I grow bigger, and jump towards the schoolhouse’s floating, upside-down doorway. When I’ve pushed off the ground, I shrink back down and let the momentum carry me. I then end up in the water inside. I swim to the surface and I see a little pony, treading water, but failing from exhaustion.

“Help! He-*blub*” The foal goes under, hoof hooked on something as the water rises another few inches.

No. No children get hurt. I Spark up and dive down into the water. Eventually I see the filly, just floating under the surface, bubbles of air leaving her mouth. She’s not moving.

Come on, just a bit further... I push forward as quickly as I can, and eventually I reach her. I grab her limp form in my arm and I pull us both to the surface. I then realize that the Schoolhouse has been flooding even further. At this point, I can’t reach the door without risking submerging the kid.

I think fast. There must be something... the coal! I retrive a lump from my pocket. It’s wet, but it should still work. I form it into a buzzsaw like I did earlier and use it to carve out a hole in the wall nearby. It lets water out, the current pulling me under. I can’t stop now. I keep my focus, making the hole bigger. Eventually I can fit through the hole, and I leap out. I tumble on the ground, rolling head over heels as I clutch the filly to my chest. She coughs up water. She’s breathing, but barely.

“Don’t you die on me, kid.” I say. “Nobody dies today.”

I Spark up and run as fast as I can towards Ponyville. It might be afflicted by more chaotic shenanigans or not, I’m not paying attention. I’m focusing on saving this filly.

I rush through Ponyville, and stop a panicking pony. She’s about to run from me but I grab her tail. “Where’s a medical center?” She’s still freaking out. “Ma’am, where’s a medical center? This filly needs help now!”

That got her attention. She calms down a bit and points me in the direction of the Ponyville Hospital. I dash off, I feel the wind stop resisting. Not even the forces of nature will stop me from saving this child.

After ducking a few flying objects and strange landscaping features, I reach the hospital and I don’t start slowing down until I’m already in the lobby. I leap towards the desk. Luckily, there’s a doctor who hasn’t left, he’s just cowering behind a file cabinet.

“Hey, this child is in trouble!”

“Wh- what?” He finally notices me.

“This filly needs attention immediately!” I say, holding out the child.

Once he sees the filly, he swaps fear for professionalism, rushing us to an ER.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, curtly.

I can feel an edge of fatigue creeping up, but push it down. I can be tired later. “She was drowning when I found her.”

“Leave her here.” he instructs, “I’ll handle this and locate her parents later.”

“Good.” I look out the window to get a glimpse of Ponyville, but we’re in the wrong wing for it. “I’m going to stop this.”

I finally get a look at Ponyville as I dash outside. Holy mother of god. There was obviously chaos applied here, but it seems that it’s not being monitored. That idiot!

I decide that I’ve had enough. This will end. I rush towards the library.

“Twilight!” I yell out for the librarian. I run inside and find Twilight casting spell after spell, trying to fix each new chaotic happenstance, but as soon as one issue is resolved, another makes itself known.

“Anthony!” she says, looking panicky and angry, “What have you done!?.”

“Something you can punish me for later. We need to find your friends.”

I’m running along, searching for the Spirit of Chaos, when I hear his laugh. Loud and clear, I can tell it’s coming from the Town Hall.

I get up onto the roof in a similar way to how I got inside the flooded schoolhouse.

“Oh, Anthony!” he says, smiling at me. “You’ve been missing a great show! Watch this!”

He proceeds to summon a giant bowling ball, and knocks over a bunch of houses like ten-pins, smashing them to splintered wrecks.

“Steeeeeerike one, they’re out!” he rolls off the roof, laughing, onto a cloud that had been in the background. “Ahahahahahahahaaaa!”

I shake my head. “Discord, stop this!”

“What?” His laughter stops, and he looks at me in confusion.

“Stop this, now.” My stance gets a little straighter. I really hope I don’t have to fight him. “You’ve gone too far. Ponies are getting seriously hurt!”

“Oh come on, they can’t be that bad.” he says, waving it off. “Bruises clear up quick.” he doesn’t even see me as I leap at him.

I tackle Discord all the way to the ground, using his unnatural body as a landing pad. “You asshole, you caused chaos and walked away! If chaos isn’t monitored, there’s no telling what could happen.”

He tries to push me off, but his chaotic magic isn’t active with me touching him. “And here I thought you enjoyed chaos!” he sounds both upset... and a little scared. The faint smell of burning hair hits my nose, but I’m not sure where it’s coming from.

“I do. I don’t enjoy those who are too irresponsible to wield its power properly!”

“You dare!?” he says, finally wriggling out of my grapple. “I am the master of chaos! I am chaos!” Nope, not scared anymore, now he’s just mad.

“Then I think chaos should have a new master!” I punch him in the face with a fist.

“Agh, you little prick. My powers are limitless, do you really think you can stop me!?”

Suddenly there’s a bright flash from behind Discord. “No. No I can’t. But they can.” I say, my distraction complete

“What?” He turns, a look of surprise and shock on his face.

A blast of rainbow rushes forward.

“No! Noooo!”

He tries to fly off, put I grab his tail and shove him into the rainbow facefirst. In a blast of light, he’s a statue once more, and ponyville is back to normal.

Twilight and her friends approach me. “Thanks for distracting Discord for us.” she says, panting a little.

“Yeah, that got way out of hand.” I say, nodding.

In a burst of light, Celestia is standing in front of me. “I completely agree, Anthony.” Her voice cold and furious.

“I admit I enjoy a bit of chaos, but that’s a power someone should have to earn.” I say, looking at Discord. “He’s too irresponsible yet.”

Celestia sighs, nodding. “I still have no idea what to make of you, Anthony.” she looks me in the eyes, and they don’t have the same bright, shiny look I’m used to. Her eyes look... old. “Why did you let Discord go and let this happen?”

“I didn’t think this is what would happen if he didn’t have a supervisor.” my hands go up defensively as I explain. “While I was around, the worst that happened was somebody got messy or bruised. But when I’m not watching,” I pause. “Discord just went nuts.”

“Now you understand why he can never be let out.” Celestia turns and lifts the Discord statue with her magic.

“Oh, I plan on releasing him again.” I inform

Everyone around me shares a collective “What!?” Celestia even nearly drops the statue-fied Spirit.

“I know you saw what he did! Why in the world would you want that again!?” Celestia blurts in confusion.

“It’s not going to happen again. He does need a time-out though. In a few months, I want to let him out and teach him how to use chaos responsibly. That much power could be very useful. Chaos doesn’t have to be destructive. A lot of good can come of it.”

“But...”

I hold up my hand to stop Celestia’s words. “I see Discord as being similar to me. He doesn’t want to be imprisoned, so when you do it, he just gets angry, rather than learning a lesson. I want to reform him, but if we use your methods, it will only make it worse.”

Celestia sighs. “You are right, I suppose. Some ponies must be led, not pushed, if you want them to learn. It seems Discord is no different. But how will you guide him? You saw what he’s capable of.”

“Yes, but when I was with him, he was nothing more than a prankster. He didn’t have to turn cities into life-threatening hazards. He could have, but he didn’t need to.”

“Why not?” Is she really that stupid to not get it yet?

I decide it’s best to explain the concept to her. “Because I was there. I was someone he could share a laugh with. I was a friend. He didn’t need to do anything drastic for attention, just pulling temporary minor inconveniences on others was enough to get a laugh out of me, and having someone to laugh with is very different from having an entire continent to laugh at.”

Celestia winces, my point making more sense to her than she seems comfortable with. “So what you’re saying is...”

“We reform him by befriending him. We show him tolerance and compassion.” I really hope this sinks in. “This utter hatred of him doesn’t help anyone, all it does is make things worse. If you keep imprisoning him, eventually he’ll want revenge, and do you really want a Discord who actually wants to hurt people?”

Celestia cringes at the thought. “No, we can’t let that happen. I agree. We should reform Discord. But for now, he will stay imprisoned while we try and recover from this disaster.”

“I think he should stay locked up longer than a few months. You have no idea what he did to the weather schedule!” Rainbow Dash exclaims, seeming pretty frazzled and angry.

I think for a moment. “A year. We will give him a year. After that, we will let him out.”

Rainbow Dash butts heads with me. “Five years!”

“One year!”

“Five!”

“One!”

Twilight separates us. “How about we compromise? Three years. Also, Anthony, I don’t think you should reform Discord alone.”

“What!? Why not?” That makes no sense, I’m the only one he can actually connect with!

“Because, you let him out in the first place, you egged him on. Sure you didn’t intend for him to go this far, but you still enjoy his chaos a bit too much. We need somepony else as well.”

“Fine. We’ll think on who it should be after the three years are up.”

Celestia nods, and teleports herself and Discord’s statue back to Canterlot.

I turn to leave towards the hospital. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check up on a filly.”

I walk up to the counter at the hospital, and ask about the filly I brought in during the disaster. Even without a description, this was easy as she was the only one admitted during the event.

I’m led to her room, and I crouch down by her bed. I actually get a look at her. She’s a young pegasus, with a white coat, and a cyan mane. I see her begin to stir. She opens her eyes. They’re a light lavender. She looks up at me. “You saved me...”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.”

“My mommy said you’re a monster.”

“Well, you tell your mommy she’s forgiven for calling me that.”

“Okay, mister. Wait, what’s your name?”

I pause. I’m not sure if I want to... we’re alone. There’s nobody around. I smile and whisper in her ear. She giggles. “Heh, that’s a funny name!”

“Yeah, I know. So what about you kid?”

“I’m Cotton Cloudy!”

“And you think my name is silly?”

We share a laugh, and then a doctor comes in. “As much as we appreciate you bringing in this filly, she needs her rest, so we must ask you to leave. Besides, visiting hours ended a few minutes ago.”

“Alright, I guess I’m out of here.” I say, standing up. I ruffle the filly’s hair “Get well soon, Cotton.”

“Bye Ant-”

I stop her. “Please, call me Anthony.”

“Okay, g’bye Anthony!”

Chapter 11

[~~~Twilight Sparkle~~~]

“A year. We will give him a year. After that, we will let him out.”

Rainbow Dash butts heads with Anthony. “Five years!”

“One year!”

“Five!”

“One!”

I decide to separate the two before they come to blows. Unlikely for Rainbow, but Anthony has shown some very new colors today, conflicting ones at that. “How about we compromise? Three years. Also, Anthony, I don’t think you should reform Discord alone.”

“What!? Why not?” That makes no sense, I’m the only one he can actually connect with!”

I narrow my eyes at Anthony. Doesn’t he get how bad an idea that is!? “Because, you let him out in the first place, you egged him on.” There is no way he could be responsible for this task. It’s just too important. “Sure you didn’t intend for him to go this far, but you still enjoy his chaos a bit too much. We need somepony else as well.”

He crosses his arms, a mannerism Minotaurs use as well, one of reluctant agreement. “Fine. We’ll think on who it should be after the three years are up.”

Princess Celestia nods, and teleports herself and Discord’s statue back to Canterlot.

Anthony turns to leave and- “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check up on a filly.” Who? He just... what? First he releases Discord, makes everything go wrong, and now he’s... worried about a child? What even goes on in his head? I wish I’d finally be able to send him back.

I’m reminded of my... less than impressive progress on figuring out a way to send him home. I just don’t know where to send him to and he seems content to just toy with us... and make my life awful. And yet... he’s more than just an... annoyance. It’s like there’s something he isn’t telling me. Well, his real name for one, I mean, Applejack just came out and told me and I have to admit it’s a pretty strange name. But I’m sure he has a reason. It just makes trusting him harder. But here he is, actually excusing himself to check on a foal? Someone he couldn’t possibly even know that well? As far as I know I mean he might have made friends with some local children but that begs the question... why?

If he’s so interested in disobeying rules and causing chaos and generally being a pain... why does he call us ‘friends’? I mean, friends don’t treat each other that way... do they? Maybe I just need to study that more.

He’s rambunctious like Pinkie, he’s blunt like Applejack, he’s brash like Rainbow Dash and I hate to admit it but I see a bit, just a sliver, of myself in him. He’s a fast learner when he bothers to learn... Is this some other form of ‘human’ friendship, where each person is sort of a fragmented twisted version of a virtue and they rely on the others to untwist it? Or is this just how humans are friends?

I begin to head for home, Princess Celestia acting as the primary escort for Discord’s statue. Even as a statue, he’s still scary and creepy. I suppress a shudder, wondering exactly how anyone could imagine letting him out be a good idea... but he had a point. I certainly wouldn’t like to be trapped in stone... It would make me pretty mad. But Discord deserves it! He did all those horrible things to my friends! But... Anthony wants to reform him? Give him a second chance? How come Discord deserves a fair chance but he walks all over me? I mean, Discord is evil...

His words echo in my head as I walk in the library door. “We reform him by befriending him, this utter hatred of him...”

I don’t utterly hate Discord... or... well... he’s right that friendship is powerful, and it might work, but not on Discord! No way!

“Twilight!” I’m shocked out of my thoughts by a loud yell. “What happened with Discord? Did you beat him?”

I see Spike had been trying to get my attention for at least a minute now. “Yeah, we did it.” I don’t know why I feel like I should say it. “With Anthony’s help.”

“Anthony? What did he do? You just used the Elements, right? Just like last time?” Spike looks a bit confused. I admit I didn’t quite expect it when...

“Anthony distracted Discord for us, he just... punched Discord.”

Spike backs up a bit, eyes wide at this. “Waitwaitwait. Punched Discord? As in, punch punch?” I chuckle at his phrasing.

“Ah... yeah. He said something about Discord being irresponsible... but he started all this. Right?” Spike shrugs. Right, he wasn’t around. “Well he said he did.”

Spike’s eyebrow ridge goes up the way it does when I just made a mistake. But what could it be? “So... you’re trusting his word on this? The guy who released Discord. Sure I believe that, being him, but... how do we know when he isn’t joshing us and when he’s punking us?”

“I...” I think about the question. How do I know when he’s trying to trick us, for whatever reason? Applejack says he doesn’t tell the truth all the time, but I can’t tell. And, well... he seems trustworthy. According to Celestia, he attacked Luna and that’s horrible, but other than that he hasn’t harmed anyone... and certainly not for the sake of being mean. He says he’s chaotic but I know there’s reason behind his actions. I can’t see them all, but he clearly acts through logic, even if they aren’t the right things to do. Hay, even Rainbow Dash has started to like him, and she’s always had a hard time trusting untrustworthy people.

Maybe Spike’s right, trust my gut. And my gut says... thinking is hard when hungry. Sighing, I smile at Spike. “I’m not sure. But let’s get dinner, and we can think about it. You and me, like our old study sessions when I was still in school.” I say, and his expression brightens up at the reminder of our time back in Canterlot.

“Sure! But if we’re going to that restaurant with that weird fancy waiter guy, I’m gonna have to complain. Those fries were nowhere near ‘extra crispy’.” Once again, I chuckle, Spike always able to cheer me up. A quick effort of will, barely noticeable, and the baby dragon floats up to rest on my back, a comfortably familiar feeling.

“Alright, don’t worry. We’re going to Hoofy’s Burgers this time, they just opened a branch here in town.” We both loved that restaurant from Canterlot, so it’s a good thing they’ve begun to chain here to Ponyville.

While the inside is a bit different, the menu is mostly the same, though I notice a new item. It’s more expensive than a hayburger but there’s an option for fish instead. Must be because it’s an Earth Pony town, and I’m curious, but I order my usual instead. That experiment will wait until I’ve figured out what Anthony’s up to, releasing Discord then being worried about somepony. It just seems weird.

The burger and fries arrive, and they smell delicious. The scent brings back excellent memories of my youth, my times spent... well, almost alone, unfortunately, while studying. Spike quickly chews down his own burger, and begins eating the fries.

Mouth full, he begins to talk again. “A’right, sho, any ideash?” his voice slurs around the potato bits filling his mouth and bulging his cheeks. Honestly, he’s so adorable when he does this. I swallow my food before replying.

“Well, let’s consider what he’s said and done. It’s odd because, well he admits he’s a liar, which is true... but then that means he’s telling the truth. So either he doesn’t know either, or... he just lies on a whim with no shame, or reason. My question is, though, how lying comes so seemingly natural to him that he can freely admit he does it as if it’s normal?”

Spike just blinks and swallows. “Uh, well... maybe he has to lie? In my comics, heroes have to lie to protect the ones they care about. If everypony knew their secret identity, the bad guys would go after their un-super sister or something.”

“Spike that’s ridiculous, Anthony is not a hero he... well okay he immediately came to me when Discord got out of hoof. And he even said Discord was too irresponsible to be allowed to have his powers... and he distracted Discord so we could use the Elements on him and then he stopped Discord from escaping.” I think that over for a second, looking at the facts now that I’ve said them aloud. “Wow... you really think... he might be a hero who acts like a jerk to hide his identity?”

Spike ponders, getting that cute ‘thinking’ face on. “Well, most of the heroes that want to remain unknown, and usually have a mask. So unless he’s got some sort of fake face on or whatever he seems pretty open about who he is.”

“Right.” I shake my head. Anthony a super hero from one of Spike’s comics? That’s just silly. “But he does good things, but then does bad... and then good again. Whose side is he on?”

Spike thinks. “Maybe he’s the Ponisher?”

“What?” I ask, not understanding. Must be more comic stuff.

“Well...” Spike looks around for a bit. “The Ponisher is kinda like a hero. He goes after bad guys like most of them right? But he’s all serious, and creepy. He’s more... brutal. He actually killed this gryphon who threatened some family.”

“So he acted heroic, but through violent means? That doesn’t sound like Anthony, Spike. He actually suggested we try befriending Discord... he argued that Discord should be let out sooner, but first he said that Discord should be imprisoned for what he did... it just doesn’t add up.”

“Well... if he is responsible, then he might feel bad for the chaos getting out of hand? I mean, if he wants to be Discord’s friend, then that means he sees something he likes about the guy, right?” Spike asks, innocent expression on his face.

“Well yes I suppose that’s true... but what-”

“Also, bad guys don’t have friends. They get minions, or assistants, or allies, but they never have friends. The Mane-iac has a bunch of goons, but she never has friends. Nightmare Moon didn’t have friends, or she wouldn’t have been Nightmare Moon. Trixie may not have been evil but she sure didn’t act like she wanted friends, just ponies to lord over or something. See what I mean?”

“I... do see. But then, if he isn’t a hero, but isn’t evil either... what is he?”

“Oh, he’d be an Anti-Hero! Again, like the Ponisher, or like Night Wings, or Batmane!” Spike says, so enthusiastic about his theory. Heh, I think he gets that from me...

Unfortunately I have no idea what he’s talking about. It makes no sense. “Spike, that’s a contradiction. We already discussed he’s not evil, he can’t be an anti-hero. That means he’s a bad guy. Did you forget your prefixes?”

“No, no, an Anti-Hero is a hero who doesn’t always act nice, and will hurt ponies or gryphons to do good. Exactly like Anthony! Batmane beats up gangs and villains, and sometimes really hurts them, but he never kills or uses lethal weapons or anything, because he’s a hero and still has a moral code. Anthony must be like that!” Is this really what you find out in comics? Because that’s... surprisingly deep.

“Well, he did act violently towards Luna, but he didn’t kill her even though he could have, and he physically assaulted Discord... maybe. But then why is he so mean all the time? Sure these ‘anti-heroes’ may not be nice but I doubt being rude and socially offensive is a requirement.”

“Well... no, it’s not. Batmane is tough... but only with the bad guys. And if he’s mean to us but friendly with Discord... do you... nah, that’s crazy.”

I decide to push him, I want to know what he’s thinking. “Maybe, but he’s admitted possible insanity, so what is it?”

Spike wrings his tail between his hands. Awww he looks so cute when he’s nervous. “Well... what if... what if he thinks... we’re the bad guys?” What!? “Yeah, I know, totally crazy. Just ignore it.”

No, maybe he’s on to something... but what? Why would Anthony think we’re the bad guys... What have we done that might make him think we’re guilty of wronging him?

“Maybe he just hates ponies?” Spike suggests, using that odd ability he has to seemingly read my mind. It’s nice having someone who can read me so well.

“Maybe... no, he specifically said he was going to check on a filly in the hospital. He only uses words like that when he specifies ponies, I’ve noticed.” I pause. “So... what could it be?”

Spike just shrugs. “No idea. Maybe we just have to show him we aren’t the bad guys. I mean... you did kick him in the... you know.”

I pout. “He was being completely out of control!” I sigh. “But I suppose you’re right, it wasn’t the right thing to do. So do I apologize? Does that work on these Anti-Heroes of yours?”

“Eh, sometimes. Some will just think you’re being patronizing, or will rebuff you to keep you safe - if they like you, that is - or they’ll accept it. But again, it depends on the hero. Every character is an individual, after all.” he says, with a shrug, and I don’t think he even understands how... big of a statement that was.

Maybe there’s more to comics than fancy pictures and a horrible typeface. Nevertheless, that doesn’t solve Anthony... but it’s closer than I was this morning. “Come on Spike, let’s go home and worry about him later, alright?”

“Alright.” Spike replies, still looking a bit thoughtful.

“Something on your mind?”

“Yeah, how would one even start trying to reform Discord? I’d probably just, Idunno, keep him in stone forever.”

I’m about to agree but then I end up echoing Anthony from earlier. “If we keep imprisoning him, eventually he’ll want revenge, and do we really want a Discord who actually wants to hurt ponies?”

Spike gets a look of ‘oh!’ and nods, smiling. “I get it, it’d be like when the Marevengers reformed The Sight, and brought ‘em into the group.”
.
“I... suppose. But what could we gain from having Discord around all the time? Maybe Anthony hasn’t thought all the way through this... Oh, here I said we’d stop talking about him and he’s the main subject again... why is he so hard to ignore even when he’s not here?”

“Because the world revolves around me. Duh.” Comes the reply to my rhetorical question.

“Oh, Anthony, hi... we were just talking about you.” I say, trying to appease him but the look on his face stays that playful evil grin I’ve seen only on Discord before.

“Yes, you were. Behind my back.” Okay... he has a point. Maybe Spike isn’t absolutely wrong when he says it’s possible he thinks we’re the bad guys. We aren’t exactly doing him any favors.

“Ah, right... sorry. We were just uh... thinking of ways to send you home.”

He just looks straight at me his grin turning into a frown. “I’d suggest switching wardrobes. ‘bullshit’ is a bad combination with your shade of purple.” comes the admittedly correct reply, along with crossed arms.

“Well... uh... Sorry it’s just, you make lying look so easy. I was wondering how you did it.”

The tone and body language don’t change “It comes from practice.”

My mind races, trying to think of a way to talk my way out of this but I must admit he’s too perceptive for thin disguises... Before I can speak, Spike asks the question first. “Anthony, do you think you’re a good guy or a bad guy?”

I grin sheepishly. “Oh don’t mind him he’s just-”

“Anti-hero. Don’t expect you to understand what that means though.” he’s serious in his response and and he doesn’t seem to be lying, heck he doesn’t even blink before responding.

“I know what one is!” Spike says indignantly, but Anthony’s glare doesn’t stray from me. It’s getting a bit uncomfortable.

“I wasn’t talking to you Spike, I’m talking to Twilight. Don’t know why though. I’m outta here.” Anthony’s arms unfold to give a dismissive wave and he walks off.

“Wait!” I cry, admittedly louder than necessary.

Anthony turns around and looks annoyed, but not angry at least. “Ugh, what now?”

“I just wanted to ask, why did you hurt princess Luna?”

“How is that any of your business? I thought you were Celly’s student, not hers.”

“I’m not, I mean I am I mean... Luna’s still a friend, that entitles me to know why!” I insist and...

“I suppose you’re right.” Anthony relents? What? Just like that? “Luna made a mistake. She was going to be my friend but she just ruined that. I don’t want her dead, that’s too far, but she crossed a line and that’s all you need to know.”

“No, it’s not. I need an explanation.” I insist and again, Anthony seems to relent. What is going on? A minute ago he was glaring daggers at me, now he’s answering my questions? It makes no sense...

“I burned her literally because she burned me figuratively. I wouldn’t expect you to understand what I mean.”

“I know what revenge is Anthony.”

“Not revenge you stupid pony.” Scowl is back. “It’s called betrayal.” What? What betrayal? “You remember that little diamond I made her?”

Of course I remember, it was the last thing he did before we had to rush him to intensive care all the way to Canterlot since the local Hospital wasn’t equipped enough. “Yeah, what about it?”

“That was what was called a peace-offering. When I got here, my first day was spent being an ass, especially to her for no reason, so I wanted to make up to her so I gave her a gift.”

That... makes sense. Wow, pieces are fitting together, but that just leaves one huge hole. “And then you betrayed her? Why?”

“She betrayed me.” Anthony scowls, fist clenched. “I put effort enough to hospitalize myself into making a gift specifically for her, and how does she repay me? Acting like I’m some wild animal who needs a fucking leash. If I do nice things and get spat on for it, I’m going to spit back. I’m nobody’s patsy.”

I think I’m starting to understand. “So you were hurt when Luna... did what?”

“I’m done here, I’ve said all I need to. Seeya ‘round Sparkle.” With that he just leaves. This went... oddly enough pretty well. He’s made some sense so yes, he’s acting logically, just acting extreme as well. I’m going to add this to my journal on him and send the update to Princess Celestia. Maybe she can figure something out from there.

Chapter 12

It’s been a week now since the issue with Discord. I’m walking along the streets of Ponyville, it seems the ponies have gotten used to me, as I’m not even turning any heads. Speaking of, the ponies don’t look as happy as they usually are. Some look depressed, others look worn out. They aren’t exactly sluggish, but there’s a distinct lack of energy from them. Strange.

I head down the road, and come to a few ponies who don’t seem too affected. I wave to them, but they just ignore me. The ponies are usually a little more friendly. I mean, I’m not a pony, but come on!

I decide to visit Cotton Cloudy. At least she likes me. I head to the hospital and ask to see Cotton. The doctor looks puzzled. “Wait, is she still here?” He flips through some papers. “That’s strange. She’s been listed as healthy since two days ago, but nopony’s come to pick her up...”

That pushes a button in my head. “Take me to her.”

The secretary, looking concerned, nods. “Uh, s- sure.”

Given his reaction, I’m probably glowing. I look at my arm, yep, glowing. I’m too riled up to care though. I can’t imagine such an irresponsible parent!

I walk in and see Cotton Cloudy reading a book. It’s Daring Do, of course. “Come on Cotton, put down that drivel. I’m takin’ you home.”

“Anthony!” There, that’s exactly what I needed, someone happy to see me. I feel a ton better.

The doctor in the room interjects. “I’m sorry, but unless you are a legal guardian of hers, I can’t let you take her.”

“But how do we find her mom, then?” I ask, pissed that I can’t be trusted with her even after saving her life.

“I don’t know, but those are the rules. We can’t let someone take home a foal unless they are registered as their legal guardian.”

“I am not a foal! I’m six!” Cotton says, rather put off.

“Perhaps she would prefer to be referred to as a vertically-challenged young mare.” I suggest.

Cotton obviously doesn’t understand what some of the words mean, but the doctor just gives me a strange look. “Yes, well either way, I cannot allow this filly into your custody. She must wait for her mother.”

I cover Cotton’s ears with my hands. “That’s a load of bullshit!”

Despite my attempts to prevent my language from affecting the kid, I am ejected from the hospital anyways. I need to find her mom and smack some sense into the bitch. Town hall. That’s where I need to go to fix this. I approach the grey-haired mayor, and at least she greets me in the usual way. A bit of a shock, but eventually smiles. “Hello there, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes, it’s a rather pressing matter.” I hate politics and the like more than anything else, but this is the only way.

She gives a rather cursory glance at me. “And what is this matter?”

“I need help locating the residence of a negligent parent.” I say, keeping my ‘professional and legal’ tone of voice despite my anger.

The words ‘negligent’ and ‘parent’ combined seems to throw the mare through a loop of confusion and worry. Guess it’s not that common in pony society. “Oh my. W-what is the name of this parent?”

“I don’t know, but I know the child’s name.” I admit, my tone faltering a bit.

Her brows furrow. “I see, and what is the manner of this negligence?”

“One week ago, a pegasus filly named Cotton Cloudy was admitted to the hospital after an incident where she nearly drowned. She was listed as healthy two days ago, and yet her mother has yet to retrieve said filly.”

Brows unfurrow, and return to ‘concerned’. “Oh dear. I will see what I can do.” she immediately begins to open drawers of her desk and rifles through them.

“If only to assure me that this matter is being addressed, I request that I be involved.” I say, trying to keep my foot in the metaphorical door of the issue.

She nods. “Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt.” No it won’t hurt. Not the mayor or public at least. Can’t say for this bitch of a mom when I beat her face in...

Eventually she pulls out a folder, handing it to me. I open the folder and take a look. I see two pictures. One of Cotton Cloudy. The other shows a mare. Her name is Lightning Bolt. Her coat is white and her mane is a light shade of blue. Definitely genetically related, if genetics work the same way in this place, that is.

Anyway, I copy down the address and excuse myself, thanking the mayor for her help. The address is odd though. No numbering system, it’s just basic ‘left or right’ instructions from the fountain by Town Hall which seems to be the town’s center. Really weird set-up.

I make my way through Ponyville and after a while, I find the house. Compared to the other houses of Ponyville, it’s rather nondescript. Usual thatch roof, brown wood siding, all that junk. But it’s definitely the house, if the address I have is accurate.

I knock on the door. There’s no answer.

I knock again. No answer.

I’m getting angry. I knock harder. Still nothing. That’s it, I’ve had enough. I prepare to ram my shoulder into the door, to knock it down- actually, hold up. Let’s go for a more subtle approach. Yeah, subtle now, pummel later. Agreed.

Once I make sure the door is locked, I pull out some coal, pushing some of the dust into the keyhole. I then have the dust expand and solidify, making a it fit the exact shape of the lock, shoving the tumblers into place. I grin at my little trick as I turn my custom-made key, unlocking the door. I search through the house, and eventually I realize that there’s nobody here. I turn off all the lights and close the window shutters so it’s dark, then place a chair pointing toward the door and sit down once I’ve re-locked the door.

When this bitch gets home, I want her to know she’s fucked up big time and exactly who she’s pissed off.

My mind races, thinking about what I’m going to do to this mare. I’m so angry I might do anything. I could give her a flaming bitch-slap. I could pluck the feathers out of her wings, and see if a pegasus can still fly like that. As I sit here alone in the dark, I’m so angry it feels like my silent rage is seeping into the room itself, surrounding me in my own anger. The metaphorical sauna of hate makes me think of more awful things to do. Set her on fire and watch her writhe until she turns to ash. I could slice open a major artery and see how long it takes for her to bleed out. But another part of my mind stops me. With each new form of torture my sick mind designs, I imagine how Cotton Cloudy would react. I can imagine her crying over her mother’s lifeless body, the mare’s blood on my hands. No matter how bad of a mother she may be, I’m sure her child loves her all the same.

I can’t do it. I can’t hurt this mare no matter how much I want to. I want to kill this bitch for how little she cares for her daughter, but... it’s that daughter that prevents me from deciding to follow through. I yell as I hold my head. Too much confliction. My sense of justice demands this mare face her comeuppance, but my conscience demand I let her go for Cotton’s sake. I can’t separate a mare from her daughter but I want to make this mare pay... my inner demons and angels in a struggle match, trying to wrestle for my mind.

Suddenly, the mare walks in the door. I’m acting without thinking, as if I’m just watching from the sidelines as I walk towards Lightning Bolt. Tears cloud my vision as I lift her above my head by her neck, squeezing hard. There’s an odd, cool sensation on the back of my head, then everything goes black.

It’s dark and my head is pounding, much like my first day here in Equestria. How long has it been since I blacked out? I don’t know. I feel floaty, but tight. I realize I’m restricted. I hate being restricted. I spark up and ignite, flames engulfing me, fueled by my anger.

Whatever is holding me goes from hard to soft quickly, then gives. It’s like when wax warms, really, and I fall to the floor, a flood of some kind of fluid pouring out around me, and I cough and hack as my body informs me I’d had that in my lungs this whole time.

And what the hell am I lying on? It feels smooth, a bit like plastic, or frozen wax. It’s dark, and warm in here, though that might be because I just flash-boiled my way out of... I’m still not actually sure. The fluids sticking to my clothes is beginning to congeal, and it’s gross, and I try to burn it off with moderate success.

Suddenly I see a pair of blue glowing eyes staring at me. Then more eyes open. Ten, twenty, fifty, several hundreds of glowing, pupiless eyes surround me, unblinking. The hissing noise I’m hearing is probably the creatures. Ah, the lights came on too quickly! Taking a moment to adjust I... oh shit. There have to be thousands of the strangest creatures I’ve seen thus far. They resemble ponies, but dark, chitinous armor replaces coats of fur and they have a strange frill as opposed to manes. Sharp, curved horns protrude from their foreheads, and insectoid wings sprout from their backs. They hiss at me like reptiles through their long, menacing fangs, and their wings buzz occasionally like a nervous tic.

“What the hell?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, they all swarm me.

I feel pain as their fangs sink into my skin, cutting me. I’m not going to go down like this. I swing at one of the creatures, knocking it back. I summon some coal from my pouch and make myself a buckler like before. I block a creature as it lunges at me, and use the buckler to knock back a pair who were advancing from the left. I decide to pull a Captain America and toss the shield, using my manipulative power to control its flight. I set it ablaze, spinning it around me, making the monsters back off. Unfortunately I leave my torso open, and I’m tackled by a diving strike. I lose focus and I mentally drop the coal. I don’t know where it went. Shit, now I’m out of tools.

“Fine, you wanna be that way!?” I shout as I Spark up. I decide now would be a good chance to try something new. I focus on increasing my speed, but not in my legs. My fists are steel-blue blurs as I throw punch after punch after punch. I leap from creature to creature, hardly pausing as I smash my fists into their heads, hearing wet squelching sounds as their chitin pops open under the blows. I pick up one of them and start swinging it around like a weapon, ending it by smashing it’s spine over my knee.

Another tries to divebomb me, but I turn intangible. He flies straight through my body, headfirst into the ground, where I curbstomp his neck, snapping it in two. I ignite and surround myself in a blazing inferno, making the creatures hiss at the bright light. I kick the head of my latest victim like a soccer ball at another, knocking my target over, slamming it into two more behind it.

Nobody takes me down without a serious fight.

Then they bunch up into a wall and all charge at me at once, horns alight with green energy. I do the same in scarlet, my body becoming a flaming meteor as I rush forward, my charging strike smashing through a chunk of the living wall. I continue my freeflow, blazing fists and feet smashing bodies and launching creatures in every direction, no finesse, only power. After a while, there’s one left. It tries to scamper away. No. Nobody runs. Nobody makes it out alive.

I blaze forward, running through him and grabbing him by his midsection. With an angry shout, I tear the thing’s body in half and hold his head in my hand, immolating it in fire until it crumbles to ash.

I stand above hundreds -no, thousands- of them, all dead, littering the ground. I can see a blurry reflection of myself in a piece of the wall, polished by passage to a mirror shine. I look like a flaming warlord, standing on the burning, smashed bodies of my enemies, covered in a mixture of my blood and theirs, red and blue-green combining to make a sick, soupy brown mixture. The image disturbs me deeply. Did I seriously just do that? Jeez I’m scary... At least I didn’t start eating them.

I stop as another sound disturbs the heavy silence, looking quickly around and... wait, is that... clapping?

“Impressive. Very impressive.” The voice is feminine and a bit melodic, but has a noticeable hint of malevolence in it. “Not only did you manage to break free, but also take out a remarkable portion of my swarm.”

I see her. She looks like Celestia, or Luna, in size and stature but with similar appearance to the creatures. She has a bearing they share as well, that of one accustomed to rule and being obeyed, without question.

Her horn lights green, but before I can muster a response, a faint, cool sensation touches the back of my head... no, inside my head, and everything fades to black.

I’m resting on something soft. Too tired to open my eyes. Oh well, I’m comfortable and warm. I can rest easy. Wait... I feel a strange sensation in my head. A tingling. Like... magic. I sit up in an instant and look around. I see the large mare-creature from before.

“Who... are you?”

“Hmmm, you are quite demanding, aren’t you? I suppose there’s no harm in obliging you. I am Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.” The now-named creature states.

“Changelings? You mean those things from earlier?” She nods serenely, answering my question silently. “I hate to disappoint you, but your subjects are pathetic.”

“Oh, don’t underestimate them.” she says, a sneer on her face. “They were hungry. They haven’t eaten in weeks.”

“Eaten in weeks?” How are they still alive if they haven’t eaten that long?

“Our species feeds on emotions.” she pauses dramatically. “Love, specifically.”

That raises so many red flags, there might as well be a shouting match done in semaphore. “And I’m here because...?”

“Normally we capture ponies and use them to feed, but you are... special.” she bows her head to one side, as if evading the question. “You are quite powerful.”

Yeah, the flags are going nuts making sure they’re seen in my hindbrain. “Yeah, I know, so why am I here? Where is this anyway?”

She chuckles. The melodic tone of her voice is... rather soothing. “You are in my private chambers. You are here because I have a proposal for you.”

“Would your proposal have to do with that spell you were using on me earlier?”

“Oh no, not at all.” she titters maliciously, something I never thought I’d hear outside of a kid’s movie. “I was just searching your mind. It’s quite the interesting place.”

“What were you searching for?” My eyes narrow in anger, the flags more ‘white hot’ than red at this point.

She waves a hoof dismissively, as if I’d calm down because of that. “Oh, I just wanted to get to know what and who you were, and you were in a practically comatose state.”

I am too tired for a fight. “So.” I flop down onto the bed, hands behind my head. “Why’d you bring me here?”

“I’ve never met anyone quite like you.” her sneer widens into a grin, and her eyes flash with intent. “You fascinate me.”

“And?”

“I was hoping you could... help us.” she moves closer, and I can smell her breath, which is strangely clear of the usual CO2 smell. “You see, my subjects are starving to death. Without love to feed on, we will all surely perish.”

“How could I help you?”

“Well, normally we rely on espionage- Is something funny?”

I stop laughing after a few moments. “I’m sorry but... spying? Your subjects don’t blend in too well with the general public.”

She grins. “Oh, I wouldn’t say that...” In a flash of green flames, suddenly I’m laying in front of Princess Celestia! Another wave of fire, now it’s Luna. Then Twilight. Then a whole bunch of ponies I’ve never seen. Mares, stallions, colts, fillies, unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies. Suddenly the name strikes me. “We are named Changelings for a reason, Anthony.” Chrysalis returned to her normal form and nodded with a smile. “You understand now. We cannot be accepted because of the way we look, so in order to be loved, we need to take the guise of others.”

I’ve never been a fan of racism, and this does seem unfair to make them starve... “So what would I do if I were to help?”

“You would be a leader. No more would we have to sneak around like thieving rats, we could be ourselves out in the open. A living formed from lies and deceit is not an honorable one, but it is the one we are forced to continue upholding.”

Well... that does sound more fair. “I see. And what would I gain from this?”

“...follow me.”

She takes me out to a balcony. I see a mass of the changelings, far too many to count. As soon as Chrysalis shows herself, they all stand up straight, frozen, waiting for a declaration. “They seem to respect you.”

“Unfortunately, they are brainless, mere pawns, and sentries. I lead them as their queen and they obey without question.”

“Hmmm...” Something seems off about that, but maybe I’m just too used to other races.

“So, I would like to appoint you as another leader.” she stares into my eyes, a bit eerily. “To give them direction. Give them orders as you see fit.”

“You want to make me a general for your troops?”

She chuckles again. I swear, that laugh is so... enticing, yet imposing. “Oh no my dear. Nothing like that.”

“Then what-”

“I want to make you my king.”

Chapter Unlucky

My brain stops, then reboots. “King?”

“King.” She echoes.

I narrow my eyes. “And why in Hell would I agree to join you?”

She takes a step back, and I realize just how close she’d been getting. “Wh- what?”

“I don’t know how I got here, but obviously you had something to do with it.”

She gives a dumbfounded, “Huh?”

“Don’t play games with me, I’m not some stupid pony. I was captured and taken here, trapped, then attacked.”

“But my changelings-” I cut her off. The red flags have tallied their votes and it’s a unanimous ‘what the fuck’.

“Are brainless. You said so yourself. Look at them down there. They won’t do a single bloody thing until you tell them to, no volition. I was captured and assaulted by your wishes!”

She takes another step back, one leg crossed over her chest defensively “I-”

“No, shut up! Don’t you try your silver tongue bullshit with me.” I see a faint, rippling silver-blue light on the walls and realize I’m barely starting to Spark up. “I realize you’re desperate for help, and you have my pity, but if this is how you plan on enlisting me? Then you can starve for all I care!”

She’s... crying. Wow. “P- please. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? We need help. I’m so sorry for what I did, but with the way we look, we couldn’t approach you in public. I had them attack because I... I was scared. I didn’t know what you were capable of. I didn’t want you to-”

I wave my hand, an ironic mirror of her dismissal of my fear and feelings before. “Fine. I’ll think about it.”

She smiles again, looking hopeful. “Y- you will?”

“Send me back to Ponyville and I’ll consider it.” And if she doesn’t, I get to find out what my upper limit for heat actually is.

“Oh thank you, even the prospect of help for us makes me so much more hopeful! You are a good person.” She casts her spell and teleports me back, but not before I correct her.

“No. I’m not.”

I’m in front of the Town Hall and immediately approached by Rainbow Dash. “There you are!”

“Uh, hi Dash. What’s up?”

“You think I forgot about our wager? You weaseled out on it!”

“No, I just keep getting, er, distracted.”

“Excuses, excuses.”

“Yep, now if you don’t mind there’s something I need to do, uh, somewhere else. Bye!” I run off as fast as I can, frustrating Rainbow Dash into chasing me. I continue my running until I come up on a dead end in an alley. Crap.

“End of the line, Anthony, time to pay up.”

I let out a defeated sigh. “Fine, I... I... what’s that!?” I yell out pointing at the sky behind Rainbow Dash. She whirls around and sees nothing. I take my chance to Spark up and run through the wall to the other end of the alley.

“Anthony!!!”

That was close. I decide to lay low for a bit, and I end up in the market stall lane again. This time, I’m allowed to get within two feet of a stall before they are suddenly closed. I walk up to the Apple Family stall and say hi.

Applejack waves back at me. “Howdy Anthony, haven’t seen ya ‘round here much.”

“Yeah, a lot has been happening lately.” I huff in exasperation. That was an understatement. “So how’ve you been?”

“Business is great, and so far, there’ve been no troubles at all!” the farm pony says, beaming at me.

“That’s great, AJ.” I smile. It’s good to know at least somebody is alright today.

“Hey Anthony!” The younger voice comes from around my ankles.

I look down and see Applebloom again. “Heya kid, how’ve you been?”

She looks like a lightbulb went off in her had. “Ahm great, ‘cause I jus’ got an idea!”

Ooh, that sounds like it could be fun. Maybe even more food. These Apples sure can cook. “And what’s that?”

“I can take yah t’ meet the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” She’s darned-near hopping in place like Pinkie Pie with sheer enthusiasm.

That said, I have no idea what she’s talking about. “The what?”

“Me an’ my friends formed a club dedicated to finding our Cutie Marks!” Oh... the magical horse-butt tattoos. “Ah want you ta meet ‘em!”

“That sounds great, if Applejack can take care of the stall by herself.”

Applejack just grins. “Aw, I do it all th’ time, you run off and have some fun. But stay safe, ya hear?”

“Thanks sis, seeya later!” the kid shouts as she runs off, me following easily with my much longer legs.

Applebloom takes me to Sweet Apple Acres and through a bunch of foliage. Then I see a cool little treehouse with a door barely big enough for a grown pony, obviously a ‘kids only’ type of place.

“Here we are!” she gestures up at the treehouse. “The Clubhouse!”

“It looks great ‘Bloom, but I don’t think I’ll fit through the door.” I say, realizing I’d have to crawl inside.

“Oh... yeah...” Her face falls for a moment, but the look of joy quickly returns. “Uh, hold on!”

She rushes into the clubhouse and after a few moments, out comes Applebloom and two big piles of karma. Shit.

The little white and orange fillies both shout, as one, “You!”

“Uh... me?” Applebloom responds, confusedly looking at her friends, unsure what to say.

Oh Zeus this is gonna be bad. “Listen girls, I, uh... I know we got off to a rocky start, but-”

“You broke my scooter! Those aren’t cheap, I had to save up my allowance for two weeks!” The orange one wails.

I shift awkwardly in place. “Uh, yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“Oh, you will be!” She says, raising a hoof in a mannerism that is definitely adorable, even if it would be threatening in anything... not tiny and quadrupedal.

“Hold that thought, kid.” I walk up to Sweetie Belle, figuring I should reconcile with the one I made cry first.. “Uh... I’m sorry about what I did... I wasn’t actually going to hurt you.”

“I know that!”

I falter, confused and unsure of where this is going, then. “Y- you do?” I ask, cautiously.

“Yeah. You saved everypony from Discord and helped a bunch of ponies!” she says, smiling broadly, confusing me further. “I know you wouldn’t hurt anypony.” Those words made me immediately imagine all the horrible things I’d done since I arrived here in Equestria. Man, I have been a total prick.

"So...” I probe hopefully for a good response, “I'm forgiven?"

Sweetie Belle's face stretches into what I first mistake for an attempt to snarl at me, until the corners of her mouth tip up. Comparisons to the Cheshire Cat, sharks, and piranhas all flock to my mind, and the only thing that keeps me calm is that her teeth don't appear sharp. “You are forgiven, if you help us with our crusading.”

The orange one brightens up. “I like that idea!”

“Uhm... So I just help you find your Cutie Marks?”

“Yup!” The trio replies. I totally overreacted. This should be easy. They’re just kids.

These children are the most adorable spawns of satan I could ever imagine.

“You kids are insane!” I yell.

The response is louder, “But this was your idea!”

“I was being sarcastic!” I yell louder to make my point.

“But what if our talent really does involve a trampoline and broken glass?”

“I highly doubt that it would.”

Suddenly, I hear one of the most obnoxious voices ever. The telltale accent of a stereotypical “Rich Bitch” trope.

“What are you Blank Flanks doing this time?” That voice just drips with the tone of superiority. I look down and see a very... stuck up looking pink filly, she’s wearing a crown or something, and it’s even her Cutie Mark. Jeez.

“We’re trying to get our Cutie Marks!” Applebloom replies.

“Still? Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be too shocked.” the filly rolls her eyes. “You’re never going to get them.”

Now Applebloom and the pink filly are nose to nose.

“Says you, we’re gonna get our Cutie Marks, and they’re gonna be th’ best Marks you’ve ever seen!” The little farmfilly is practically snarling her words.

“Oh puh-leez farm girl.” the stuck-up one says, scoffing derisively, “It’s obvious you’ll never get them, or you’d already have one for dumpster diving!” Woah, that’s quite a burn.

‘Bloom growls, “Says you!”

“You don’t even have a good retort! Tell you what. I’ll take that back if you can beat me at Show-and-Tell tomorrow!”

The filly walks off, nose in the air like she’s brown-nosing the sky.

I watch as the CMC start to sulk. “Uh, who was that?”

“Diamond Tiara.” came the depressed reply from all three. The orange one, whose name is Scootaloo continues. “She’s a bully. Her dad’s got tons of money so she’s always acting like she’s better than everypony else.”

Sounds like my kind of punching bag. she’s lucky she still has a few years before I can do anything. Wait...

“So you just have to bring in a better show-and-tell subject than her tomorrow?” I looks down at the trio, a few possible ideas bouncing around my head, though none are really viable... or are ridiculously unsafe. As cool a nuclear reactor would be...

“We cain’t” Applebloom moans in her accent. “She has so much money, she just keeps on showing off the shiny things she buys.”

Sweetie Belle continues for her friend. “Last week, she had a model of all of Canterlot! Who knows what she has this time?”

“Well, all you have to do is bring in something that she can’t just buy. Something special.” I sit down to think.

Scootaloo stands up. “Something cool!”

Applebloom does the same. “Somethin’ different!”

Sweetie Belle. “Something impressive!”

I look at them. “Yeah, so do you have any ideas?” They’re looking at me expectantly. “Sorry, I can’t come up with something just like that.”

Sweetie Belle does that grin again, but this time it’s not exactly directed at me. “I can!”

“Alright, what is it?” I ask.

Now the grin is focused on me again. Jeez that filly must brush a lot. “You!”

The other two fillies spring up. “Sweetie Belle, that’s perfect! We can bring Anthony!”

I’m not comfortable with this. “Wait, what?”

“Just think ‘bout it!” Sweetie says, bouncing in place. “There’s no way she can buy a hoomin!”

“Well... alright. Let’s put a bully in her place!” I agree and the trio share a triple high five.

The next day, I’m in my usual spot, resting by the schoolhouse. It doesn’t take long for kids to show up and I watch as the fillies and colts file into the little red building.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I watch Diamond Tiara and a light gray filly walk up the path. She’s got a big box with her. I wonder what’s in it? Eh, doesn’t matter. Before the day is over, that little rich bitch is going to be eating her words.

I’m sitting by the window, listening to the proceedings while I await the signal for me to walk in. I can hear Miss Cheerilee. “Thank you, Diamond Tiara, that was very impressive. Now, before we finish, does anypony else have something they’d like to share? Yes Applebloom?”

“Everypony, the other members of the Crusaders and Ah are going to show you something more incredible than anythang y’all’ve evar seen!” That’s my cue.

I Spark up and, positioned outside, behind where the blackboard is set up, I walk straight through the wall, earning many gasps of surprise, and even a few screams. I raise my arm up into the air, the assembly of ponies flinch, not knowing what to expect. I power down, and I wave at the students. “Hiya.”

Diamond Tiara is not impressed. “Ugh, don’t tell me you Blank Flanks brought that freak into our classroom?”

I walk over to Diamond Tiara. “Who are you calling a freak, bully?”

That actually got me a round of snickers from the rest of the class. Diamond Tiara acts as though the response was not a congratulation for insulting her. “Yeah great, it can talk, big deal.”

“Oh, I can do much more than talk.”

“Yeah?” she scoffs at me. “Like what?”

I grin. “How about some tricks?”

“What are you going to do? Roll over? Play fetch?” she gives a mean smile, not to me, but to the Crusaders. “Why don’t you just play dead?”

“Hmmm... all right.”

I stand at the head of the class and clear my throat and get into character.

“Here, here will I remain with worms that are thee chambermaids. Here will I set up my everlasting rest, and shake the yoke of stars from this world-wearied flesh. Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, seal with a kiss, a dateless bargain to death! Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love, oh true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss, I die.” I pull out a coal dagger and fake stabbing myself before falling to the floor.

Cheerilee claps wildly at my performance. Unfortunately, the kids just look at me weird.

“Oh come on that was Romeo and Juliet!” Still nothing from the kids. I sigh. “Fine, have it your way.”

I proceed to show off in my usual way, though given my audience, I refrain from making weapons or blades out of coal. Aside from the fact that the kids lack culture, I still manage to impress them. I decide that, as long as I keep it away from them, a bit of fire would be okay, so I give them a flaming lightshow and they just go crazy. Even though I don’t have to, I wave my arms around, directing the coal to increase the appearance of the talent.

Well, once Show-and-Tell ended, I obviously had to leave, what with being a distraction, but I figured I’d stick around for recess. The kids really like me. I’m a bit miffed only Cheerilee appreciated my acting. Sure I missed a line or two and I used the wrong words sometimes, but that was good!

Oh well, they’re just kids I suppose. Besides, they may not have the same literature.

Anyway, it turns out that Diamond Tiara occasionally did have a few neat things for Show-and-Tell, as the recess area had a really cool playground. It wasn’t what she brought today, it seems to have been donated by her father weeks ago, but it’s still pretty neat.

It had just about everything. I wasn’t small enough for most of it, but it definitely looked like tons of fun. Anyway, recess has started and I was right, all the kids really seem to like it, though they don’t really give much attention to who’s father donated it. At least they can’t be bought like most of the kids in my elementary school when I was young.

I decide that, sure, I’ll try it out. I’ll just be sure not to get stuck in anything. I figure I’d pass up the swing-set as my height is more than that of an alicorn, much less a foal. I look around, and find a jungle gym, with large enough gaps in it for even me to fit. Perfect. I climb up on it and make a human pretzel out of myself a few times before I get tired of that. I proceed to just see what I could do wit the jungle gym, be it use it as a springboard (which ended badly) or try and walk along the top without falling. I return to making knots out of my body, when I realize that I actually have an audience. All the foals are watching me and my interesting acrobatics. Heh, that’s being bipedal for you. I continue, and the crowd grows larger until I have captivated the entire class. I can tell even Diamond Tiara and her light-gray lacky are impressed. Not that they’d call it that, but I’m not stupid.

BOOM

What was that? I don’t think anything in a playground should explode...

Then it’s dark. Either something is blocking the sun, or Celestia went to bed early today. Given the terrified look on the kids’ faces, I’m going to bet it’s the former. Shit.

I turn around to see... I’m not sure.

At first, it looks like a river spreading, but made of night and pouring through the sky and clouds alike. The shape is vaguely serpentine, and so massive that it brushes aside cumulo nimbus clouds like like drifting dandelion seeds. If the sun hadn’t still been in the ‘morning’ position, it wouldn’t have had any effect on the daylight yet, it was so far away... and still perfectly visible.

There’s no way to further describe the gargantuan being beyond magnificent, and utterly terrifying to me on a level I can’t quite comprehend.

I decide that my first action would be to get all the children to safety. But there’s only one thing I can think of. “Alright kids, recess is over early. Let’s get back inside, now!” They are all screaming, heading inside, but a few are straggling.

I decide to just pick up a few kids and drop them inside. Luckily I don’t need to go air-breakingly fast, so I decide to speed up. Once everyone is inside, I instruct them on the proper method of dealing with some sort of disaster while at school. Duck and cover under their desks. Yeah I know it’s stupid, but I don’t have anything else to offer.

A vague uneasiness settles into my bones, beyond what would naturally occur from something pretty much earth-shattering. Luna wasn’t angry with me, was she? This angry, at least?

I feel like my entire body is freaking out, and that disturbs me further. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but it’s the cause of it obviously. Also, I can’t seem to power down, my body is going nuts and won’t listen to me.

So as I’m watching this streak through the schoolhouse windows, there’s a flash of light and I see both princesses. And they look pissed. I run over to them. “What is that thing?”

“Why don’t you explain what it’s doing here, first?” Celestia demands.

“I have no idea, it just... showed up. I’ve been here by the school all day.” Celestia glares at me. “I swear.”

A guard in a surprisingly effective-looking suit of armor, looking much less ornate than the suits worn in the capitol, salutes Celestia as she enters. “Princesses, the star-beast has dropped below four-thousand hooflengths! It’s going to hit the land in less than an hour!”

That sounds a bit bad. “What? What’s going to hit?”

Celestia looked at me quite seriously and stated, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“That fills me with absolutely zero confidence, I’ll have you know.” I’m still trying to power down, simply so that I know I can, but it’s not working, so I just assume this thing is dangerous and try to calm down, hands at my sides balled into fists nonetheless.

To my surprise, Luna leans over and sniffs deeply at me. Luna snorts derisively, then straightens up. “You smell like a young star, like this.”

“Like what? A star is a ball of gasses and energy that radiate light as energy. How do you know what one smells like!?”

“Perhaps stars are balls during infancy, but they do mature. As the princess of the night, it is my duty to shepherd and care for the stars, especially during the day, when they sleep and are vulnerable.” she replies calmly, a strangely appraising look in her eyes as she looks at me.

“You imply that stars can be killed. Last I knew, they aren’t sentient. They don’t do anything but sit in the sky and twinkle and act as fodder for bad fairy tales.”

Luna’s mouth narrows into a hard line, one I’ve seen when my mother is about to blow holes in universal happiness with how angry she is. I decide now would be a good time to cover my face with my arms.

“I will not allow you to impugn my subjects in such a way! They are the source of fulfilled wishes! They can think and reason as well as any other pony, and do not merely sit around!” Luna’s tirade is halted by a gold-shod hoof tapping her on the shoulder. I’m so glad Celestia is at least staying calm... I sure as hell am not.

“Luna, please... what did you seek to learn from knowing if he smells like a star or not?”

The smaller princess inhales deeply, and begins to explain. “Just as there is life in the sky, night or day, there are things which must eat. While Stars are gentle, and need only praise and care to survive, there are beasts like wolves that hunt them, and creatures like the one in the sky today. It is called a Star-Swallower, and it is like a grand whale, seeking only small things to eat. And you, Anthony, smell like food.”

“F- food? But I’m not a star! I-” I look down at my glowing form, and pause. “Oh... you mean this power is... shit.”

“It is the sum of all adoration, love, and care from anyone who has ever been your friend or family.”

“I suppose that explains a few things, but... This thing wants to eat me, and I don’t plan on being eaten, so how do we kill it?”

Luna looked at me with a fair amount of anger still in her expression, until it just... melts. Sadness fell into place instead, and she whispered. “It won’t harm you. It has barely any weight at all, but enough to crush itself as it lands. It was not meant for this mortal land, and it will die, lost and confused.”

Wow... uh... Can I take back that ‘I want to kill it’ statement? I feel like a jerk now. On the other hand. “But if we don’t get rid of it, how much damage will it cause on a scale of one to ten? One is a few square blocks. Ten is Equestria-goes-byebye.”

Luna sniffled. “None. It’s an aetheric beast, it has no substance that will cause harm to us. It is meant to find young stars unable to form fully and eat them, keeping the skies clear of lost hopes. It is also one of the last few of its kind; without my shepherding over the last millennia, they have not fared well from the occasional dark sorcerer seeking raw power.”

“So this thing... is basically natural selection and a giant, non-solid super-battery all in one? Geez. What do I do?”

Luna looked me in the eye. “You hope no others have been drawn near enough to die for a prize they cannot reach.”

“So... uh...” I turn to Celestia. “Can you translate?”

“They are drawn to you. We can only hope that they are spread far enough that you will mature before another one tries to seek you, and dies on Equestria’s soil.”

“So... I need to... what? Make everyone like me a bunch?”

“No, simply growing older will work.” Luna said. “That this one arrived so quickly... they usually take decades to travel. It must have already been close when you arrived.”

“...but I’ve been here for months, I... let me guess, more of this ‘stellar physiology’ stuff, right?”

“Stars take many hundreds of years to grow to maturity. That you are already much grown suggests you are about three, four hundred years old. In another hundred, they should ignore you.”

“So what do I do in the meantime?” I say, exasperated and confused. “I can’t just sit here and think about aging for a hundred years!”

“No, you will do that naturally... unless your race normally only ages when the act is thought of?”

“Heh, we wish. You wouldn’t believe some of the crap we pull to squeeze an extra ten or so years out of our lives. It’s kinda pathetic.” I shake my head, rambling from nerves alone. “No, we age over time.”

“Well, you should be able to live for nearly a millennia of total time... minus your existing three centuries.”

The guard came back, saluting once more. “The creature is about to land. It’ll be landing through the Everfree, almost in Ponyville! The troops have already disseminated the cover-story, as per your orders.”

“Everfree? What? Oh nevermind. You say this thing will just fall to the ground and die on impact, harming nothing?”

“Like a bowl of potted petunias.”

I pause at that. “I... I... Douglas Adams? Does he... exist here?”

Celestia looked at me strangely. “Who?”

“Douglas Adams, he’s the guy who wrote The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books, he’s the one who wrote-”

“Oh! You mean Croupless Apples!” Luna said, looking happy. “He wrote of going to stars and speaking with them, and so many funny aliens living on moons orbiting them! I didn’t know you’d gotten to read them; Twilight recommended them to me.”

I stammer for a moment. Oh great, they have similar literature. Or at least sci-fi comedy. I guess I’ll check out the books and see what’s different. But right now... “So the giant space-whale is going to die and we don’t have any way to prevent it?”

Luna’s happy expression fell once more. “That... that is about the sum of it. I will be there when it lands, to grant its last moments some amount of peace...” She began to roll her limbs to ready herself for flight, Celestia doing the same beside her.

“You uh, you do that.” I’m... not entirely sure what to do at this point. There’s a huge event with me in the dead-center of it, and I can’t do anything. I feel totally useless... goddamnit.

The princesses and their guard leave. I... don’t know how to feel. The thing came here for me. I dragged it to it’s death without even intending to. Does this make me an interstellar murderer? Or, do I just accept it?

And what’ll tomorrow bring? More of the same, worse, or maybe better? I need something to make me feel better. I figure I could see Pinkie about that. I make my way to Sugarcube Corner.

Chapter 14

I get to the sweet shop and sit down at a table. Mr. Cake comes over with a notepad, in his usual chipper ‘customer service’ manner. “Hello, Anthony. What do want today?”

I let out a sigh. “Ten screwdrivers on the rocks. Very high rocks.”

He looks at me in confusion, brows furrowed. “Uh... I don’t get it. There’s a hardware store to the East of here...”

“Just forget it.” I wave off the request and try again. “Gimme a strawberry milkshake.”

“You got it, champ!” He seems so happy. I see Pinkie Pie come down the stairs, and she rushes over to me. “Hi there! How are you doing?”

Mr. Cake hands me my milkshake and I grab the cherry off the top, tossing it at the wall, but Pinkie catches it in her mouth with her strange speed. “Thanks!” She grins, then realizes my rather depressed mood. “What’s wrong Anthony?” I decide keeping it bottled up doesn’t help, so I tell her what happened with the Star-Swallower.

After I’m finished, she looks kind depressed too, but also a bit quizzical. “So this thing eats stars... and it came for you... but you’re not a star, you’re a humananan!”

“It thought I was a star.” I say, glumly.

Now its her turn to wear the ‘color me confused’ expression. “Why would it think that?”

“Stellar physiology.” I explain, mixing my spoon around in the sweet treat that for once in my life is unappetizing.

“Huh?” She cocks her head curiously, looking like a bird or a cat.

I Spark up as a demonstration. “This. Like this, I’m pretty much a baby star. At least Luna says so.”

“Wo~ow!” her eyes go wide and she reaches out a hoof to paw at my leg, which is shining through my pants. “That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, but I don’t even know why I’m like this. I just... am.” I wipe away the vestigial starts of tears before they can grow. “I thought this was a gift with all the things it lets me do but-”

Pinkie Pie shakes her head. “No, it is a gift,” her hoof moves from my leg to my chest, “You’re a hero Anthony. You help anypony who really needs you. Even when Discord was causing all that trouble, you did something, because you didn’t want anypony to get hurt. You’re a good person, and your powers help show that.”

“Wow Pinkie, I... I... thanks.” I give her a big hug. I needed this. She hugs me back and we stay like that for a few minutes. Her coat is soft, and she’s warm. I feel so much better. I feel comfortable. I needed this. I know she isn’t fully aware of the less-than-heroic things I’ve done, but it still helps. Element of Laughter my ass, this pony right here is the Element of Confidence.

I leave Sugarcube Corner a lot happier than... well, happier than I’ve felt in a long time, even before I came to Equestria. I’ve already accepted that I may not go back home given the general disinterest in attempting it I read from Twilight, but right now... I think I can consider these ponies my family now, and I intend on protecting my family.

I think about Chrysalis and the things she said, about how she needs my help. I don’t want to just stand by while a species goes extinct if I can help... but I also remember how I got in that position. I need to know more about these creatures. Twilight’s smart, I’m sure that if she doesn’t have a book on Changelings, she can tell me a bit about them.

I walk in the library and look around. “Twilight?”

Spike speaks up from a desk. He has a comic of some kind in his hands. “Not here. You just missed her. What do you need?”

I think on who I could get as a substitute. “Well, I suppose as her number one assistant, you must be pretty smart too...”

He puffs out his chest, eyes still not coming up from his comic. “I don’t like to brag, but...”

“How much do you know about Changelings?” I ask, getting straight to the point.

Now he looks up. “Uh, not much. Actually, not many ponies know a lot about them. I think Twilight has her notes on them somewhere in this pile over here.” He begins rifling through the mass of information the librarian has gleaned over her life. It is quite impressive, I must admit.

A few bundles of notes checked later, “Found it! Changelings. That’s... all it has as the title.”

“Oh well, let’s see what she’s discovered.” I say as I take the notes and begin to leaf through them.

I sit down in my chair and flip through the notes. I then come across something Chrysalis didn’t mention, and probably would avoid if asked: The process of ‘feeding’ involves taking the form of the victim’s loved one, posing as them, and feeding off the love that the victim feels for the loved one. The process is painful and draining for the victim.

I don’t believe it, the Changelings are parasites! A bunch of deceiving, abducting, scheming, mindless emotion-leeches. I can’t believe I might have trusted Chrysalis! Although... These are Twilight’s notes, they must have been gained from personal experience, which means that it’s possible they could be biased, even just a little.

I think back to Discord. He was almost what Twilight described him as. Yes he was dangerous, but Twilight made him seem like a monster, not just an irresponsible prankster with no thought of ramification. Perhaps... could it be the same with Changelings? Is Twilight exaggerating? I can’t tell.

I continue poring over all of her notes late into the night. I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I wake up, sunlight streaming through the window. I stand up and stretch. My back aches.

Groaning, I ask aloud, “Geez, how does Twilight do this without getting a sore back?”

From behind me, Twilight replies, “Well, I usually have a bit more support for my spine, for one.”

Turning and blinking sleepily at her, I yawn. “Oh, ‘morning Twi.”

“Good morning.” he eyes narrow as she spots my reading material. “Wait... are those my notes?”

“Er... yeah.” Something plausible... ohh, I know, “I don’t know much about Equestria, and since you have firsthand experience with a few things, I figured I could see what you’ve discovered.”

“I see, well, thank you. I’m glad you trust my expertise.” She looks very proud of herself, like she’s expecting a gold star sticker or something. “So, what are you looking at now... Changelings?” As the word leaves her mouth, she gets noticeably more rigid and tense.

“Yeah, the name sounded interesting, so...”

“There’s not much you need to know, Anthony. They are heartless, emotionless beasts that want nothing more than hostile takeover and total control over Equestria.” She replies dead serious, taking the notes in her magical grasp and putting them back with her other research.

“That’s... a bit harsh. How do you know?”

“I know because my friends and I had to fight them and their queen! If it weren’t for my brother and Cadence, Equestria would have fallen into Queen Chrysalis’ hooves already.” She says, looking both righteously angry, and a little scared.

Interesting. I decide to change the subject, but still get a few answers. “So earlier, during events that I feel would best be explained by the princesses, a certain location was brought up.”

Twilight is rifling through some more of her notes, re-alphabetizing what Spike had messed up.”Oh? And what location is it?”

“What do you know of a place called Everfree?”

She raises her eyebrows, her stance no longer the angry-defensive, but curious. “The Everfree Forest?”

“I suppose so.” I say unsurely.

She smiles, and a few tomes and notebooks come over in her magical grasp. “Well, what do you want to know?”

“Well, what do you know of it?” I ask, then continue with, “Do you have experience with it?”

“Yes, I do!” she says, perky once more. I swear, ponies are like puppies; catch their interest and they stop being upset. “I suppose I can tell you the story of my first venture into the Forest.”

“What happened?”

“Well, let’s start from the beginning.” she settles onto a cushion. “I was in Canterlot, reading a book, when I came across a passage mentioning the Elements of Harmony...”

“And then, there was a huge reunion party for the princesses, and I’ve been living here in Ponyville with my friends ever since.”

“Wow, that’s... quite the story.”

“Indeed.” she says, nodding.

“So the Everfree Forest is dangerous?” I ask for clarification. It sounded like most of the problem was from Nightmare Moon than the forest actually being a challenge.

“Immensely so, there’s a lot we don’t know about it from what lives in it, to what secrets it holds.”

Huh, alright. “I think I’d like to check it out sometime.”

“Really? Are you sure that’s wise?” she says, looking baffled. “You know even less about it than anypony in this whole town!”

“What can I say? I’m curious. Don’t act like you’ve never had a question you wanted to answer by experiencing it firsthand.”

“As right as you are, I cannot advise that you do this without proper protection.” Twilight says, a touch patronizingly.

“Oh alright, I’ll bring some condoms.”

Her entire expression is disrupted. “Some what?”

“Nevermind, just...” I chuckle. “Nevermind.” Guess they have different names for them. If they have them at all. Ew.

I approach the forest and I can see clearly that its thick canopy prevents light from shining through. I walk forward into the darkness, some coal fashioned into a machete in case any foliage blocks my way. As I’m walking, I hear something rustling in the bushes. I turn, but see nothing.

“A- Anthony?”

Huh? I turn around and see Fluttershy. “‘Shy? What are you doing here?”

“I- I saw you come into the forest. It’s dangerous in here, we should leave before something bad happens.” She starts looking around frantically. Yep, definitely lives up to her name. Anyway, I’m not in a very contrary mood, so I shrug and follow the yellow pegasus and then I realize how she saw me so soon. The Everfree Forest is pretty much her backyard. I’m pretty sure there should be some zoning regulation about that but... whatever.

So I walk into Fluttershy’s cottage and it smells like wild animal. Joy. I sit down on the couch, making sure to stay away from any birdhouses. I don’t trust birds, especially the pretty ones. I see Fluttershy doing something in another room and I start to think.

“Hey Fluttershy, why didn’t you want me to go into the Everfree anyways?”

“Because it’s dangerous.” she says matter-of-factly, “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

That stops me for a second. “But... you hardly know me. I mean, we haven’t even seen each other since the day I first woke up here in Ponyville.”

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t think that would matter...” she says, sounding unsure now.

“Well, I suppose it doesn’t really, but I don’t see why you’d be so worried about my safety.”

She looks back at me, looking a touch hurt and confused. “But, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

Friends? Huh? When did that start? “Are we? This is the longest we’ve ever even been together.”

“But you’re a friend of my friends, so doesn’t that count?”

I think for a moment. Out of all the ponies in Ponyville, Fluttershy knows the least about me aside from whatever stories she may hear. I speak up. “Fluttershy, do you think I’m a bad person?”

“Wh- what?” Now she looks... well, she looks like a young lady stuck in a small room with someone who just asked a really awkward question. And is shy.

“Do you think I’m a bad person?” I repeat.

She looks down at the ground and shifts on her hooves nervously.”Well, I... um... I...” Suddenly she finds words. “I’m not sure, if that’s okay with you?”

She’s honest, I’ll give her that. “But you still consider me a friend? Even if you think I’m bad?” She lets out a little ‘Eep!’ at this. Guess that is kind of a big question. Seems she’s going to try answering anyway.

“W- well... maybe you’re not bad? Just, um... confused?”

Well I am, but not in the way she seems to be implying. “Confused?”

“I understand that our world is very different from yours, and you come off as... distant.” she says, shifting on her hooves and not meeting my eyes. “You react to things so differently from a normal pony, and... well...”

“Let me tell you something, ‘Shy. Even back in my world I wasn’t normal. My brain is messed up on the inside. It’s like the world is a puzzle, and I’m a piece that just doesn’t fit.” Three cheers for autism!

“Maybe... maybe you do fit, but not in the place you think you do.” Her voice is quieter now, and getting harder to hear.

“You think so? You think I have a place in this world?” That would be a first, honestly. Though I am a bit dissatisfied with the idea that I’d be considered normal. Who wants to be a ‘Normie’?

“I’m positive you do, you just have to find it. And you don’t have to look alone, there are friends you can rely on, if you just let us.”

I scoff. “That’s... kind of the problem.”

“What?”

I cross my arms. “I don’t know this world, how do I know who I can trust?”

“You can trust me.” She gives me a startlingly fearless hug. Oh my god this pony is so soft... like, crushed velvet is sandpaper compared to this coat of fur. I hug her back.

“Can I?” I whisper.

“I’ve always trusted others, even if I don’t know them well.” she says, voice also low enough to be a whisper. “You never know what you can gain from being kind to those who you don’t understand.”

“Like the manticore?”

She leans back and gives me a surprised look. “H- how’d you know about that?”

“Twilight explained the story of how you six met, and your fight against Nightmare Moon.”

“Oh, well then yes. Like the manticore. Sometimes we just have to give something the benefit of the doubt, even if it seems dangerous.”

“Okay Fluttershy.” I nod, “I... I’ll give it a try.”

“Thank you, Anthony. Remember, if you ever need help, you do have friends, even if you’re not sure we are.”

I think about the decisions I’ve made in my life, both this one and my previous, as I walk away from Fluttershy’s cottage.

I feel like I’m being watched from the forest... I turn and see a bush shift. I walk into the forest after it. I see another bush move. I realize that whatever this creature is, it’s leading me somewhere. “I know you’re there, and I know what you’re doing. Show yourself.” A figure walks out of some tall grass. A Changeling. Of course. “...Take me to your Queen.”

I’ve gotten Twilight’s side and Chyrsalis’ side, now I want to talk to her about Twilight’s side.

The Changeling nods and walks off. I follow, taking careful note of the way I’m going.

After a while, the Changeling leads me down a hole, and as I continue through the cavern, the ground becomes that of the strange material of the hive. We come to the chamber where I was brought earlier. I can tell because it seems not all of the Changeling blood has been washed from the floor.

“So, you have decided to return.” Chrysalis.

“Yes, I have.” I see her from the balcony. She looks down on me, and her horn begins to glow a bright emerald green. I blink and I’m in her chambers once more. “So, Anthony. Have you made your decision?”

“I’m not sure...” I know these creatures wish pain on others, but it’s for their survival. Was I much different as a human? Our history of violence and greed, murdering for what we wanted? No, it was different. These Changelings do it because they must do it to survive, and they don’t kill, either. “What would happen once the Changelings have eaten and are strong enough to... whatever it is you need to do to fit in with the ponies?”

“Well, we’d be able to take our rightful places! As the fourth tribe of ponykind, of course.” She says.

“But... you aren’t actually ponies, right? So... wait, what is a Changeling anyhow? I mean you don’t look like ponies and you don’t act like ponies... why do you want to be ponies?”

“W-well... if we’re ponies, we’d be loved, and then we’d be just fine, and not need to take hostages or anything.” she says, nodding as if that was perfectly acceptable.

“Uh... sure. Okay. And once that’s done, what are you going to do? The ponies already have a leader. Granted she’s not exactly my idea of a great ruler.” I say, shrugging.

“Well, I’d lead my changelings, of course, they can’t really think without me. And they’d be loved, and I’d be powerful, and you would share in that power, of course. Haven’t you ever wanted something you couldn’t have? Well, you’ll be able to have it then.” she says, batting her eyes at me.

I roll my eyes. “Something I want... Yeah I doubt you can grant telekinetic powers or an endless supply of chocolate.”

“Oh, but I can. Through the hive, you have access to magic, limitless as the love of a nation for its rulers, and you will be able to do anything you want.”

Interesting point. King of the Changelings would mean a bunch of slaves to do whatever I want... but I already kind of do whatever I want. “And how would we start all this? It seems your previous attempts don’t seem to put you in a good light with the ponies. How do we win them over?”

“Hmm... here, I have a spell that will grant you something of a vision of the future. It isn’t true prescience, mind you, but it lets your mind build the most likely results of the future from a choice. I’m sure you’ll find the answers there.” she says, a touch evasively. Once again, I find that she’s moved her face a bit closer to me than is strictly comfortable.

“Personal bubble, but yeah, alright. So do I just stand here and have the vision when you cast the spell or what?”

“It would be best if you laid down, and got... comfortable. I have a bed you may use.” she says, gesturing towards a side passage that, presumably, leads to her bedroom.

Yep, same room I was in when I was here last time, the one she called her ‘chambers’. Man, who talks like that? Then again I guess she’s gonna be a little off due to being so estranged and all. I lay down on the bed, large enough for four of me, and Chrysalis decides to get comfortable too, laying belly-down on the bed. “Alright, get with the vision-thingy, let’s see what we get.”

She lays her hooves on my chest and brings a viridian-shrouded horn to my forehead, a tingle across my brain giving me my only warning before the wo-

I stand on the balcony next to Chrysalis, all the changelings in front of me. I sit down on a throne and I have to make a decree that I am hungry before the brainless ants come to my side. It’s pretty rough dealing with changelings since they don’t think without me or Chrysalis. Changelings make up about 50% of the Equestrian population now and I’m still their king so technically, even though my throne is in the hive in the forest, I have subjects in as many places as the princesses do, and since they don’t govern the changelings, I do, I basically own whatever my Changelings do including where they live.

So I half run Equestria. And it’s boring and stupid. My subjects are everywhere, but they are drooling morons, zombies without me around. I walk up to a Changeling and knock on it’s head to see if anything’s home. Nope, no reaction. I figured once they integrated with ponies they’d gain sentience but... no.

That said, the changelings listen to my every word. The ponies have pretty much ostracized me, which is fine I guess. Nobody to talk to other than Chrysalis though. Not sure what to really do with myself. I have an endless supply of pawns, but nobody to play with.

I step out of my throne room, and furrow my brows at the layer of dust on the floor outside. Looking around, I notice that the tapestries and paintings are faded... tattered. There wasn’t a battle, I’d have heard it, but... well, nothing had happened this week. Or... month. Not sure how long I’ve been in that room. I step out of the castle, finding empty rooms and stationary, gray changelings, practically petrified in place from the coatings of dust on them. Outside, the the sun and moon hang in place overhead, night and day weirdly split in the area between them like a bad photoshop gradient effect.

All around, the world is baked dry, silent, and dead.

H-how long have I been in that throne room? Nobody has come by in... I don’t know how long. I can’t remember. And... everything died. Everything. There’s nothing. I’m alone, even more than I had thought.

I have all the power in the world, and now... I have nothing. But wasn’t it about yesterday, or something, that I... no, I just ordered some changelings around.

I figured the world would fall apart without me around, but not literally, this is crazy!

I look around for something green, but just get gray and more gray. And brown. No primary or vibrant colors anymore. I just sat there, king of a bunch of zombies until I outlived literally everything. Celestia and Luna included. Now I truly can do anything I want... but I’m all alone. So alone... was it always this cold? The silence is driving me nuts! The world is just dust, an endless expanse of nothing! I might as well be dead too, a king of nothing! How could it come to this, just sitting on a throne day after day week after week month after month, year after year... no attendants, nobody to talk to, nobody to tell me what was going on... The gentle touch of time took me unaware as everything went to ruin.

How could Celestia let this happen? How could I let this happen? How could I not notice that my ruling a bunch of mindless drones would leave me with nothing at all? T. S. Eliot was right. It all ended with a whisper... if even that. I kneel on the dust-covered ground as I take in the ghosts of what used to be grass and trees.

I’m alone.

Alone...

Alone. Forever.

I come to with a gasp, waking from the horrific vision, on Chrysalis’ bed. “Woah. That was heavy...” I turn to Chrysalis. “So that’s the future?”

She shakes her head. “I may be powerful but not that powerful... yet. That was just a possible future, one of many... if you choose to join me. So what did you see? Did you imagine what it would be like to be my husband?” She stares at me intently, a sultry look on her face.

“That aspect didn’t even cross my mind or play a role.”

“Awwww, I thought you liked me...” Chrysalis pouts.

“I haven’t decided on that yet.” I clarify. “Anyways, let’s say you teleport me back to Ponyville and I’ll give your offer some thought.”

She winks at me. “I hope you make the right decision.”

“Same here.” I say and Chryssi seems to have gotten the wrong idea as she claps her hooves together. She’s at least cute when she’s happy. But otherwise, nah, not my type. Anyway, Chryssi’s horn glows and I’m back in Ponyville and it looks totally normal! Grass, trees, sunlight, houses, ponies everywhere... it’s beautiful! I move through Ponyville happier than I’ve been in a while. Today is just fantastic! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and Rainbow Dash is about to crash into me!

Wait a sec- *WHAM*

“Alright Anthony, that’s it, you’re gonna get yellow, and you’re gonna do it today!”

Oh well. “You got it, Dashie, I’ll go get the paint if you round up everybody at Town Hall!”

“Don’t try to- Huh? You’re... gonna do it?”

“Yup!” I grin.

“Really? No tricks? You’ll do it?”

“Of course!” I give Rainbow Dash a big hug.

“Jeez, man. Did you swap brains with Pinkie Pie?”

“Nope, I’m gonna go get that paint, now. Meet ya at Town Hall!”

I run back to the library to get the paint, leaving a very confused Rainbow Dash.

I grab the bucket and brush, take it to Town Hall, and tell the mayor that I will be putting on a very special performance. No point in spoiling the surprise for anyone.

I look out at the crowd, and yes, all of Ponyville is here. Every. Single. Pony.

Rainbow Dash approaches me. “Alright, this is gonna be awesome! I’ve been waiting a while for this.”

“Yup, and you’re going to get it. Everyone here is gonna get it. Hope you enjoy the show.”

Rainbow gives a smirk. “Oh, I will!”

I walk out onto the steps and clear my throat, all the ponies quieting down and shifting their attention to me.

“Hello everyone. By now, most of you know me, so I doubt I need to introduce myself.”

I get replies of nods and sounds of agreement. “So, I will get to the reason you are all here. I made a deal with Rainbow Dash. We got into a competition to see who was the fastest.”

A few ponies chuckle, others gasp. Apparently a lot of ponies know how fast Rainbow Dash is.

I continue. “And, I lost. I was beaten rather easily, and now, I will face the consequences, as per our agreement. Rainbow Dash, you win, so I’m going to do this for you.”

Rainbow Dash leaps up into the air, wings flapping and pumps her hoof into the air “Yes! This is gonna be good!”

I sigh and strip down to my boxers, the crowd giggling in anticipation of my humiliation. Dipping the large brush into the bucket of paint I proceed to slather the paint all over my body, the wet paint smelling fiercely and clinging to my arms and legs especially. My stomach is the last to go and I’m soon finished, covered in yellow from my toes to my neckline.

Rainbow flies up onto the stage and gestures to me in a presenting manner as if I was a giant trophy. “Good, now finish it.”

“Finish it how?” I ask.

Rainbow Dash grins and picks up the paint bucket and flies up into the air with it. She comes down with a cloud which she’s dumped the paint into. She kneads it for a while then kicks it hard and a large sluice of paint hits me right in the face. Sputtering, I shout out. “This was not part of the deal!”

“It is now!” Rainbow yells, laughing out loud as she comes in for a landing. She stands in front of me, making a large mistake.

Dripping wet with paint, I give Dash a big hug, smearing the paint all over her as well. and run off, grabbing my clothes.

I walk back to the library, carrying my clothes. I walk in and I see Twilight. As soon as she sees me, she holds her book up, away from the paint. “Shower. Now!”

“Oh, totally, this paint is getting itchy.” I say.

Chapter 15 Author's Note

I'm ba~ack!! I'm over my apathy and I'm ready to write again!

Chapter 15

I get into the shower and wash myself off, but there’s a nagging thought at the back of my mind. That vision... It was me. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t clean the images from my mind. I know it’s not what I want, no way. I could never let that happen... but apparently, I could. Even if it’s the worst case scenario, the fact that that’s what I could end up not doing... I shudder, scared by myself. I know my mind is messed up, but what I saw... no. I don’t need to think about it. It’s over, it didn’t happen, and it’s not going to happen. I let the gentle susurrus of the water calm my nerves. I am not so ignorant of those around me. These ponies showed me that.

I’ve had a dark past, a lot of pain, fear and hatred from those closest to me and to those I didn’t even know. But this is my chance. Here, in Equestria, I can be safe. Not physically of course, this place is filled with dangers and threats, but... I’m not worried. I have friends here. Friends who care about me and will help me if I need them. Is this what Twilight meant by ‘Friendship is magic’? Not an actual force or power, but... a sort of mental unity that we can use to feel safe?

I’m not entirely convinced I fit the bill for ‘best friend ever’. I have many vices: Greed, sloth, I’m a liar, thief and a cheat... but I’m not evil, and these ponies trust me. My own trust has been abused in the past and left me scarred and hurt, but I will not do the same. I don’t vow to be a good person through and through, that’s impossible, but... I feel relieved. That image helped me. It showed me what I’m not and why I’m glad that I’m not. I’m not going to make any changes to who I am. I’m fine the way I am. Maybe... maybe I should tell them my name? No. I’m not sure if I’m the same person as back then... but I don’t feel any different... I have to give it more thought later.

I get out of the shower and dry myself off. It takes about six towels because they’re so small. Damn these ponies and their tiny bodies. I put on my clothes, and I feel like I hadn’t just showered. It just occured to me how filthy they are. I decide that I’m going to talk to Rarity about those clothes.

I head over to Carousel Boutique, thinking about what sort of clothes she might come up with. I’ve seen her designs and they aren’t bad, but I think that jeweled clothing would get rather uncomfortable. I walk in the door and see Rarity, perfectly fine, working on a dress. No, stop freaking out, it was just a dream, everybody is perfectly fine. I take a deep breath to calm myself.

“Hiya Rarity.” I say, announcing my presence.

“Huh? Oh, hello Anthony. That was, um... quite the show you put on earlier. I’m sorry Rainbow Dash had weaseled you into something so degrading.”

“What can I say? I lost fair and square, and I was the one who set the stakes. Anyway, I’ve finally gotten sick of wearing the same outfit this entire time so...”

Immediately, Rarity’s eyes light up. “Oh that’s marvelous, because I have come up with hundreds of fabulous designs, you simply have to try them! Well, once I finish them of course. It’s a little difficult because I don’t have any human mannequins, but I do have a few things finished.”

I shrug, but a small smile tugs at the corner of my lips. Slightly. “Sure, why not? Let’s see what you have.”

Minutes later, I’m not sure if I feel suave, or really fancy. She made me a fine, blue longsleeve shirt, over a white undershirt, with a spring-green handkerchief in the breast pocket. Since my legs are not as prominent as that of a pony, all I had was a pair of simple white slacks, but that just seemed to help the entire ensemble. But something was missing...

“This is really cool Rarity!”

“Thank you dear, I had to make this without any form of reference, but I did what I could. I am so glad that you like this!” She’s practically beaming, chest puffed out with pride.

“Now how about some underwear?”

Rarity blinks at me, her look of pride turning to one of mild embarrassment. “Uhhh, well... I suppose I could make you some, but it’s not exactly... what my business here is for.”

“What? You make clothes. Underwear is clothing, right?”

Rarity coughed into her hoof and cast a furtive glance to the door. “Well, I’m not exactly in the business of designing... intimate apparel.”

“Intimate?” Then it struck me. Ponies don’t wear underwear. they don’t have to, so to them, clothing meant to cover one’s privates... “Oh-nononononono! That’s not what I meant, I swear, I just want something to prevent chafing, and have a little cover incase my pants get messed up.”

“...covering?” Comes the tentative question.

I facepalm and take a deep breath, kneeling down to be eye-level with Rarity. “How do I put this? Stallions and human males are... different.” She nods slowly, a bit confused. I decide the easiest way to do this would be to just be blunt. “Specifically with our... genitalia. You see, stallions have a sheath so that when their ‘tool’ is not in use, it is not clearly visible to the public.”

She’s still nodding, a bit of a blush visible on her face.

“Human males, like me, do not have a sheath, nor do we have fur. This means that if we do not use clothing to cover ourselves...”

The blush has spread across her entire face and is now very visible. She puts up a hoof to pause my line of explanation. “Stop, stop... I understand your... meaning.”

I rub the back of my neck. “Yeah, so if you could... you know?”

Despite being alone, she still looks around, and whispers. “Come see me alone later tonight, okay?”

I pause at the phrasing of the request. “Uh, Rarity...”

Her eyes go wide realizing what she had said. “I mean... uhm...” She stammers for a sec. “I’ll make you some, just...”

I decide to end this now before things get worse. “Yeah, I know, I’ll drop by later.”

Then came the disaster in the form of a little white filly. “Hi Rarity! Hi Anthony! Hey sis, why’s your face all red?”

Nope, red alert, eject, abort mission, evacuate, run! “ThanksfortheclothesRarityI’llseeyoulater!” I grab my old clothes and Spark up, dashing through the door and outside as fast as I can. I can hear a faint sound like thunder behind me.

Well, that was a lot more awkward than I expected it to be. I feel bad for leaving Rarity to explain by herself but I was not about to attempt to recover from that, I know when I’m going to screw up.

I stop by a shop window and look at my reflection. I really do look rather nice. I feel pretty darn fancy in fact. I’ll have to thank Rarity again tonight when I see her. That was certainly... interesting. Yeah, I’ll call it interesting. As I’m wandering around Ponyville, I see Spike walking along with a long roll of paper. I decide to chat, since we don’t talk much and I am trying to make friends here I suppose. “Heya Spike.”

“Hey Anthony, woah! Nice suit! Where’d ya get it?”

“Rarity made it for me.”

“I should have guessed, I mean...” he inhales and sighs, “isn’t she just fantastic?”

“I admit she’s good, but I’m not that big a fan of clothes to be honest.” Spike doesn’t seem to hear me, he’s just staring at nothing with a dumb grin on his face. Then I get it.

“Crushing pretty hard there, aren’t ya, dude?” I ask, smirking at him.

He shakes himself back to reality. He blushes, an impressive feat through dragon scales. “Huh? Oh... yeah, that obvious?”

“How could you possibly get more obvious than this?” I mimic the face he had while off in his daydream.

He sighs. “Yeah, I guess.” he perks up a moment later, and asks, “Hey, she likes you, doesn’t she?”

“Ehhhhhhhhhh... yes? Maybe? I honestly don’t know.” I shrug. “If you’re asking for help, I don’t know a dang thing about human girls, let alone mares.”

He chuckles. “Heh, think you’ll have about as much luck as I am?”

“Wait... you imply I’m going to try?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. I’m sorry, but the thought is just... no. Maybe if I ‘go native’ completely, but... no.

Spike shrugs. “Well, if you can’t go back home, why not?”

“Because they’re ponies! Seriously man, to me, a pony is a pony. I ain’t gonna even try that minefield.”

“Never?” he raises his eyebrow... well, eyebrow ridge, again. “Really?”

“No way, man. I’ve already accepted that I’m probably gonna be stuck here for good, but unless a chick has only one pair of legs, I ain’t trying anything.”

“Suit yourself.“

I nod “Man, it is soooo good to just chat with another guy, you know? Why are there so many mares anyway?”

Spike shrugs. “That’s just the way it is, I suppose.”

“So, what’s next on your slave-list?”

“It’s not a slave-list, I’m performing very important tasks for Twilight as her number one assistant!” Spike replies imperiously, as if Twilight’s desires mattered most.

“Sure, so what’s next?” I say, waving off his insistence.

He looks over the list. “Uuuhh... Pick up dry cleaning.” I grin, looking down at Spike while trying not to laugh. “This is just very, very bad timing, I swear!”

“Whatever man, I’m just saying, if you end up with a collar that says ‘Property of Twilight Sparkle’...” Spike groans. I’m having too much fun. “Or would you prefer it say ‘Property of Rarity’?”

He raises a claw and opens his mouth in protest... but shuts it quickly. “I’m not going to give you any more feed, man.”

“Alright, alright, I’m done.” I chuckle a bit more. “But in all honesty, I suppose I could ask Rarity what she thinks of you.”

He gives me a suspicious glance. “Really? You aren’t gonna pull anything, are you? If the next time I see her, she thinks I-”

“Calm down man, I don’t have anything to gain by doing anything like that.” I grin. “Yet.”

“Dude, you’re evil.” he says, giving me a disappointed look.

I laugh and reply. “No way, if I was evil, it’d be a lot easier to figure out what’s wrong with me.”

“I know what’s wrong with you, already.”

That catches me off-guard. “Oh? What is it?”

“Plenty.” he says, nodding seriously. “There’s plenty wrong with you.”

I laugh again. “You got me there, Spike. Anyway, I’ll leave you to your incredibly important list of incredibly important tasks.” I say, jokingly.

“Ha ha, very funny.”

I had a very important thing to attend to myself, for real. In all the confusion, I forgot about Cotton Cloudy. I don’t know why, but it just feels like... I couldn’t think of it until now. I’ve made up my mind that I’m not going to hurt her mom, but I need to know why she was so...

Wait. Rewind the tape. I was waiting for Thunder, she came home, I grab her, I black out, I wake up... in the... Changeling hive... captured...

No. No way. I Spark up, surprising the nearby ponies and rush to the house I was at before, rushing through other houses, phasing through every obstacle in my way. Eventually, I get up to the house. Not bothering to Power down, I knock on the door.

Thunder Bolt opens the door. Or is it Thunder Bolt? She’s startled and tries slamming the door, but I stop it with my foot. I’m not sure if it even hurts, but I don’t notice it if it does. I force open the door and step inside. “That’s not a very nice thing to do to people, especially ones like me.” I say angrily, focusing my sparkling glare on her. “I’m here to see Cotton Cloudy. I’m not going to take no for an answer, am I clear?” The mare nods, pointing me to a stairway. Red flag: She’s not even going to try to save her filly?

I walk up the stairs and Power down. I walk into the first room I see. No Cotton. I try the next door over, and I see Cotton, asleep in a little, filly-sized bed. She looks so peaceful, like an angel. She’s so adorable! Wait... Isn’t it a school day? I swear I saw some kids head to the schoolhouse earlier. She looks old enough to go to school. I know I didn’t like school, but a parent should still make their kid get a proper education. That’s two Red Flags.

I approach the filly, kneeling down by her bedside. I run my hand through her mane gently and her eyes flutter open. “Hey there, Cotton.” I whisper. “How are ya?”

She looks up at me and smiles. “Hi Anthony... I’m *yawn* kinda tired.”

I smile. “Heh, it’s a bit late in the day to be asleep, don’t you think?”

“Mommy said it’s okay, because I get so-” She cuts herself off with another large yawn. “So tired all the time and my head hurts sometimes.” I remember what Twilight’s notes said about Changelings. The process is painful and draining for the victim. Red Flag three. That’s it. “Okay, well then you rest. And don’t worry about a thing.” I decide to throw in a bit more Shakespeare for the hell of it, taking a specific liberty of course. “Good night sweet princess, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." She giggles quietly, and closes her eyes, drifting off to sleep once again.

I walk downstairs and I approach the mare. “Come with me, ma’am. We’re going for a little walk.” She doesn’t have time to make any noises before a glittering black cloud encompasses her.

I draw a bit of a crowd as I walk. It’s probably because I have a grown mare slung over my back, holding her by her hind legs and a coal band clamping her mouth shut. I don’t care, because as far as I’m concerned, a filly could be missing her mother and being abused. If this mare really is Thunder Bolt, I will apologize. If it’s a Changeling...

I come to the library, and walk in. I drop the mare on the table in the middle of the room. Twilight isn’t around, so I sit and wait, watching the mare to make sure she doesn’t try anything stupid. I don’t have to wait long, as the door opens and Twilight walks in. “Hello Twilight.” I begin calmly. “There is a very serious matter I need help with.”

She stares at the muzzled mare on the table, then to me, panic in her eyes. “Anthony...” I can tell she’s about to yell, so I clamp my hand over her mouth. “Mmmmmph!”

“Listen Twilight, I need you to calm down and listen to me. This is very important, and Ponyville may be in trouble.”

I see her eyes soften, so I let go of her mouth. Her first words are sharp, but a good choice. “What is going on here?”

“Well, I made friends with this filly I saved, and a while ago she showed signs of parental negligence.”

“So you tied up her mom?”

“I’m getting to that. I read in your notes quite a lot of information about Changelings and while I know I’m not the world’s greatest detective, I have evidence to support my theory that this mare right here is a Changeling imposter who has been feeding off of a filly’s love for her mother.”

Twilight has a serious look on her face. “This is very serious, I suppose this should be settled as soon as possible.” She walks up to the table and her horn glows with magic. She fires a beam at the mare, and confirms my suspicions, as a wave of green flames wash over the mare, white fur being replaced by dark chitin. Twilight gasps, backing up in fear, shivering. “Ch- Changelings! No!”

I pick the Changeling up off the table by the head and smash it against the library floor over and over, screaming with rage. All I can think of is bashing this parasite’s brains in. I keep on slamming it until all I’m holding is a cracked carapace covered in blue-green blood. I realize that the entire time I wasn’t even breathing. I take a deep breath as I drop the limp insectoid creature. Twilight stares at me like I grew a second head... or as if I just committed a brutal homicide. “Geez Anthony, I know you said you’re an anti-hero and want to protect ponies in trouble but... that was...”

“Don’t... talk about it, alright? I’ll explain everything later. Right now, I need to know what changelings do with ponies they’ve replaced.”

“Well, to be honest, I’ve only experienced it once, and it was the queen. I don’t know what a normal Changeling would do...” She replies tentatively, shifting on her hooves in a nervous... prance? I don’t know pony terminology.

“We have to find this mare, Twilight.”

Given that we had no other leads, Twilight and I had decided to try Cotton’s house and check the basement or a closet or something. Sure it’s stupid, but it’s better than sitting in the library doing nothing and leaving a filly to the Changelings. I’m about to run off, but Twilight stops me.

“Wait, shouldn’t we get some backup, at least?”

“What? Every moment we waste something bad could happen to Cotton! I can handle some Changelings by myself!”

“I saw you handle one Changeling that was tied up.” I wanted to protest and tell her I took on a quarter of a hive but that would require explaining and a story I did not have time to tell.

“Look, Twilight, you can either help me or not, I don’t care. I’m going now!” With that, I Spark up and rush to Cotton’s house once more. As I run, I curse the distance. Despite my blurring speed, with a metaphorical clock ticking, each step feels like it takes five minutes, rather than a split second.

I feel angry. Angry at these Changelings and what they’ve done and might do, angry at Chrysalis for her lies and deceit, angry at myself for being so damn blind.

After a full minute of eternity, I see the house. I don’t bother with stopping to open the door, so I just phase through it. I’m about to rush up the stairs when I hear something from a room to the right. Still powered up, I run into the room and see a couch, a few chairs, a short table. It’s a living room, but no Changelings... Suddenly I hear a hiss behind me. I whirl around, but before I can act, I’m knocked into the living room and twenty or so Changelings appear out of absolute nowhere! I get up only to get knocked down again. Now I’m angry... but I don’t have any coal, and I can’t use fire powers without risking burning down the house. Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give up. I punch the nearest Changeling, and do the same with another. I feel fangs dig into my side. I wince in pain as I grab the Changeling’s head and throw it into the wall. More fangs, this time in my shoulder. These spaces are too tight, I don’t have time to focus on only one target at a time!

I continue my struggle, and eventually I start to win, then I feel a pain in my back, like I’ve been burned. They have horns, of course they have magic. I turn to strike at the Changeling behind me, but I’m caught off-guard by two more magic blasts. I start to feel dizzy, and I fall to the floor. The Changelings dogpile on me, biting and kicking and punching. I can’t fight back, and a weird, cool feeling on the back of my skull warns me of them trying to knock me out.

No... not like this. It can’t end... like this...

Suddenly, there’s a bright light and the Changelings are blasted off of me. What?

“I told you, you can’t handle the Changelings!” Twilight! Oh I have never been so happy to see her. I scramble to my feet and continue my assault. Now that I have backup it’s so much easier. I watch as Twilight casts all sorts of spells, each one having a different effect, but all of them used with precision and power. Twilight really is quite talented.

No time to think about that! I start throwing punches at anything vaguely insectoid, but somehow, they just keep coming. With all the damage I’ve suffered, I realize that the outfit Rarity made for me is in tatters, blood showing through my undershirt where I’ve been bitten. Another magic attack from the left! I see it coming this time and defuse it, but it leaves me open to a charge attack. My large body is a huge disadvantage here. Oh, why didn’t I get the power to shrink?

Another Changeling tries to rush me, but this time, I see it and go intangible. I watch as my attacker flies right through me... and into Twilight! Seeing their chance, all the Changelings pile onto her in a frenzy like they did to me earlier. But now they’re all distracted. I pray Twilight can hold on as I grab a standing lamp and break it in half over my knee. It hurts like hell, but now that I have a weapon I can do something. I pull Changeling after Changeling off of Twilight and beat them all senseless. I can hear her cries of pain, screaming for help. Angered, I point the broken end of the lamp pole at some of the Changelings, and run them through, using the sharp edge to skewer their heads to the wall. I grab one more Changeling, and tear off a piece of its armor. I hear it squeal as I then stomp on it’s unarmored back. I then use the slab of chitin to beat the rest of the Changelings, and Twilight gets up, and casts one more spell, taking out one while I’m left with the last two. They both lunge at me with bared fangs. Thinking fast, I shove the piece of chitin into the mouth of the nearest, wedging it’s jaw open. Then I grab the second by the mouth and pull it’s jaws apart. I hear it shriek in pain as I tear off it’s lower jaw. It collapses to the ground, bleeding from it’s now useless mouth. Unfortunately, the first Changeling has stopped trying to bite me and I see it’s horn glow green and fire at me once more, knocking me to the ground. Twilight blasts it twice, and we’ve won. I can’t even stand, I’m too beaten and hurt. My wounds burn and my fists and joints ache. I can tell Twilight is exhausted as well, but she uses one more spell.

We’re back at the library, in Twilight’s room. I lean on her as she helps carry me to her bed. I lay down, the adrenaline still pumping through me. I still feel pretty dizzy from that last magic blast. It could also be blood loss. Then, Twilight speaks.

“You... you were incredible back there. Thanks for... saving my life.”

“Thanks for saving mine.” I say in return, my gratefulness fully sincere.

“I couldn’t just let you die. I had to do something.” She moves onto the bed to rest next to me.

“And did you ever.” I say, a bit out of breath but recovering fast. “I must admit, I didn’t expect that kind of power from you.”

Twilight grins, a flash of accomplishment crossing her face.. “I’m... I’m just glad you’re safe.”

I give a small smile and scratch her behind the ear. Then she does something that I never would ever imagine, she kisses me. I pull away.

“Twilight, what the hell?” She shushes me and kisses me again. I must admit, it feels nice. I’ve never kissed a girl before. It... it’s not so bad. But something feels weird, but then, I’m kissing someone with a muzzle rather than a normal human nose. But in truth, I don’t mind. I lean into the kiss. As strange as it is kissing a pony, let alone Twilight, I feel like I’ve earned this.

Eventually she pulls away, and we just look at each other. I feel... happy. I hold her and we just share this moment together. Everything feels so... right. She rubs her cheek against mine, and I stroke her mane.

She looks me in the eyes, and I just stare at hers. Soft pools of green that feel so... comforting.

“You really were amazing back there.” She whispers. “Like a brave knight, or a powerful king...”

Something clicks against something else in my head, a series of little clues piecing together in a Rube-Goldberg-esque series of little inspiration flashes falling together. Green eyes, green magic, and now a reference to kinghood?

I push Twilight off of me and she hits her head against the wall, her disguise ruined and burning away in a blaze of emerald fire. I seethe with fury as I watch the library fade into Chrysalis’ chamber in the Changeling hive. “You unbelievable bitch!!” I stand up, realizing I’m not hurt. I feel perfectly fine! “You were going to feed on me! You were going to turn me into a mindless zombie!”

She tries to back up, forgetting she was thrown against a wall, her eyes wide and terrified. “A- Anthony, I-”

“You manipulate me, trick me, confuse me, and now you try and make me into a candy bar!?” I scream with rage as I Spark up and Ignite. I set fire to Chrysalis’ bed in passing, flames heating up past red to yellow and on to white. I continue my angry rant, fury turning as incandescent as my flames. Words are the only thing keeping me from going nuts with violence... but the only words that come to mind are just repetitions, inciting me further. “Mess with my emotions?! Try and twist my heart?! Turn me into a fucking puppet!?”

I rush forward, and kick Chrysalis in her midsection as she tries to turn away from me. I grab her horn “I’ve. Had. Enough.”

I do what I did with Luna and charge flames through my fist and into her twisted, gnarled horn, kicking her once more. I see her mouth open in a scream, but I’m so angry I don’t hear anything but my own thundering heartbeat hammering in my ears.

“Now reap what you’ve sown, you psychotic fuckwit!” I grasp her horn in both hands and send as much heat through them as I can. In a few moments, I let go. She feebly stumbles, trying to catch her balance, but in doing so, disturbs her horribly damaged horn, and I watch as it crumples into a pile of ashes on the floor, leaving her with nothing but a charred nub. I push her back over onto the ground. She’s beginning to hyperventilate, a tiny, cold part of me notes with satisfaction.

I stand over her, rage burning in my chest. I feel so used, and so abused. Played for a fool. That tiny, cold voice in the back of my mind tells me to just kill her and be done with it, leave the mindless Changelings to die off for good.

I should do what’s right and give her a second chance, I should be a good person and not kill her where she lays. I should be a savior and try and convince her to give up her evil ways. All of those arguments pass through the last surviving part of my mind not wreathed in fury, but they’re dismissed without further consideration.

I am none of those things. Extinguishing my flames, I grow until my head almost hits the vaulted roof of her chamber, and stomp her like the pathetic, useless disgusting bug she is. A final-sounding ‘crunch-splat’ noise echoes throughout the chamber. I walk down off the balcony and into the main room. I expect a flood of Changelings to come out and kill me where I stand, in an instinctual charge to avenge their queen... but none come. I hear a struggling noise. Powering up, I rush over to the sound, and I see a large, green cocoon. It’s shaking slightly and I can hear noises from inside. I punch through it’s outer membrane and tear it open. Out falls a barely conscious Twilight. The real Twilight.

Seeing her, I think back to the last mind game Chrysalis tried to play with me. It messes with my head so badly. I’m tired.

“Twilight?” My hands are trembling. Weird.

“Mmph...” she blearily looks around, and I recall how disoriented I was coming out of my pod not too long ago. “Huh?”

Speaking slowly, I ask, “Can you get us home?”

“I th- think so.” she looks around, still dazed, and blinks twice slowly.

I pause for a second. “Not the library.”

“O- okay...”

In a flash of correctly-colored magic, a nice pale purple-pink, we’re back in Ponyville, by the Town Hall. I pick up the collapsed Twilight and take her to the hospital. Once I’ve made sure she’ll be taken care of, I head off to Cotton’s house, and I see the living room in a wreck, but not nearly as bad as I recall. The lamp is still intact, so the illusion must have been cast some time before that. It’s not important. Cotton is. Just to make sure, I walk into her room and I see Thunder Cloud sitting there. When she sees me she goes wide-eyed and holds her hooves around her sleeping child. She’s the real deal, thank goodness.

“Is...” I gulp, my throat oddly dry, “is she safe?”

Mollified by my words, Thunder Cloud simply nods. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I thank the mare and leave he to her child. They’re both safe and that’s all that matters.

My current business in Ponyville done, I walk to the edge of the Everfree forest. I just sit and think. About Twilight and about what Chrysalis wanted me to see. I sigh heavily. I have experience, I know what love feels like. I know for sure that I don’t feel anything like that for Twilight at all, but... why did Chrysalis choose her? Was she the most convenient choice, or...

I shake my head. It doesn’t matter. Chrysalis is gone now, and things are back to normal. I’m going to stay in Ponyville... with my friends.

I grin as I come up with a great idea for a prank. I Spark up and charge off to get some supplies. Rainbow Dash won’t know what hit her!

Chapter 16

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 17

Once the club was finally closed, it was almost morning, so I decide to just head back to the castle. Getting inside is a lot easier now that Celestia decided to tell the guards that I could come and go as I please, unless told otherwise, that is.

Anyway, I make my way through the huge castle and get to my room generously granted to me by Celestia, which makes me rather suspicious... but the bed is comfy at least. I flop onto the bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. I’m worn out. But my mind is still running, thinking about what other things in Canterlot there was for me to enjoy. Well, actually, there was plenty I could do, but most of those ideas might end up with me being kicked out of Canterlot. And since Ponyville is out of the question, I honestly didn’t have anywhere else to go. I recall my first train ride to Canterlot, and the tickets that said ‘Appleoosa’. I wonder what kind of place that is. Eh, I can find out sometime later...

I’m back in Ponyville, specifically Sugarcube Corner. It’s sort of become my usual hangout aside from the library since I can get food and hang out with Pinkie. Speaking of, we had just won the prank war. Technically I won, but Pinkie decided to concede, because by this point, my pranks were getting a little crazy.

Rather than taking the victory all to myself, I figured I would share it with Pinkie. I think right now, Dash is still trying to scrub itching powder out of her coat. Pinkie raises a toast to us and our success, and we just hang out and chat, talking about the little adventures we’ve had that the other wasn’t aware of. Obviously, I stayed away from anything involving the Changelings, as I didn’t want to dampen the mood. And boy what a mood, it felt great just to sit and talk and enjoy Pinkie’s company. She’s the only person I’ve met aside from Discord who finds my kind of crazy entertaining rather than worrisome.

We’re finishing off another round of root beer floats when Luna walks in. It’s kinda strange, but I guess when you’re a princess, you don’t have to explain a lot of your actions. She’s looking around, like she’s studying the place. I guess she’s never been to Sugarcube Corner before. I decide to just say hi.

“Whassup, Luna? Grab a seat, have a soda!”

Luna looks a bit confused. “I’m... not sure I’m in the right place...”

Pinkie jumps up. “Well you are now! This is Sugarcube Corner, it doesn’t matter if you’re a princess or a party-pooper, we’ll make sure you have a great time!”

Luna was still looking around, now even more confused. “I’m sorry, I expected something... rather different, I suppose.”

I get up and wrap an arm around Luna. “Uh, the place looks like a giant gingerbread house. What in the world were you expecting?”

Pinkie thinks for a moment before brightening up. “Balloons? Music? Cake? Wait, we have cake already... uh...”

Luna interrupts. “Pardon me, but I would like to borrow Anthony for a while.” She leads me outside and I sit on the steps by the door.

“So Luna, what do you want with me?” I grin. “Aside from the obvious?”

“I assure you Anthony, that even in your dreams I do not harbor any attraction to you.”

I chuckle. “Fine, fine, I’ll drop it. So really, what do you want?”

“I wanted to see how your mind works. As I said... I’m not sure I’m in the right place. I assumed it would be a bit... darker here.”

“Nah, the weather ponies don’t have a storm planned until Wednesday.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Huh? I don’t get it.”

Luna thinks for a moment. “Anthony, how did you get to Ponyville?”

“On a train, duh!”

“And do you remember the train ride? Do you even remember leaving Canterlot?” That got me, because I didn’t.

“That’s odd... why wouldn’t I remember...”

“Because it didn’t happen, Anthony. You just brought yourself here to Ponyville. You’re asleep.”

“So... I’m dreaming?”

“That’s correct.”

“Well, this is the first time I’ve had a dream tell me I’m dreaming. Usually I figure that out on my own.”

“I am not part of your dream, Anthony. As princess of the night, I am also princess of dreams. I wanted to see what you were like under all of your humor and... rage.”

“So let me get this straight. You’re walking around in my mind, while I’m asleep?”

“Yes, that is correct. Though as I said earlier, I expected something... different.”

“Like what? A giant monster or something?”

“Well, that would make a bit more sense to me, given where I am. You aren’t the most stable or calm pony I’ve met. I expected your dreams to be... similar.”

“What, so just because my head is messed up, my subconscious should be as well?”

“Not necessarily, but that’s usually the case.” she shakes her head. “Either way... why’d you dream about Ponyville. Why not your home?”

I sigh, leaning back. “Luna, if there was any way for me to be sent back, I’m pretty sure you, your sister, or Twilight would have discovered it by now. As far as I’m concerned, this is my home now.”

“But, none of us have even tried looking for a way to send you back, yet.” she admits. “Perhaps Twilight has, but neither I nor my sister have had time to do any research into such a matter.”

“Really? Huh. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. I like this place better anyway. Sure I’m a freak of nature in Equestria, but at least it’s because I’m not a pony. When you’re an outcast by your own species... it’s different.”

“That, I understand.” she says. “For a while, I was an outcast as well. But that’s a story for another time.”

“It wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with Nightmare Moon, would it?”

She startles, looking at me with surprise and shock in her eyes. “What!? How do you know...”

“Twilight told me the story of how she met her friends, and she couldn’t exactly do that without mentioning Nightmare.”

“D- do you think that I...”

“No way. Come on, look at yourself. You’re not evil. If anyone around here was to become evil, I think my chances are a lot higher.” Suddenly my mind flashes back to the vision I had. I shudder.

I should get Luna out of here before things start to get dark. “Well, I appreciate your company, princess, but I think I’d like it if you left.”

“What?” She looks confused, and a touch hurt.

“If you want to talk, you don’t have to be in my dream, just... just ask me.”

“But why can’t we talk here?” she asks, not comprehending, “After all, we’ve been doing so thus far.”

“I... I just don’t want you here. Now that I realize this is a dream, I’d rather you left. My mind isn’t a nice place.”

Luna takes a cursory glance around. The sun is shining, just a few wispy puffs of cloud in the sky, there’s birds chirping... all that happy-feely garbage. “This doesn’t seem so bad to me.”

“Luna, please. I’m afraid I have to say that tonight it was just luck.” I say, trying not to think about the possibilities, lest it summon the less desirable ones. “You are right to think that, at times, my mind is a scary place.”

She pouts. “Don’t try to make yourself seem what you are not.” her tone edges on the ‘talking down’ spectrum. “I know I expected more danger here at first, but your mind is no darker than that of any other foal I’ve met while Dreamwalking.”

I sigh. I need to prove it. I don’t want to, but... “Alright Luna. You didn’t quite ask for this, but I warned you. You want to see every aspect of my subconscious?”

“It can’t possibly be that bad. Your bravado suggests otherwise, but I feel you are merely putting up a front.”

“Would you like to see another dream I’ve had?”

I close my eyes. If this is a dream, I can change our surroundings. I choose Ponyville. The way I remember it in the vision. The buildings crumbled. Dust coating everything in sight. Then... myself. Luna and I look down upon the me from the vision, laying in the dusty cracked dirt completely alone for the rest of my nigh-immortal life and the cause of it all. I end it there. We’re back in ‘normal’ Ponyville. I’m shuddering. I never want to do that ever again. “Luna... just... leave my dreams alone, okay? If you just want to talk, I’d much rather we do it while I’m awake.”

Luna nods somberly, looking at me with... pity. “Yes, I... suppose that is for the best. I will let you rest now.”

“Thanks.” I go back inside Sugarcube Corner. The sight of Pinkie at the table waiting for me, smiling... I feel better. I’m not going to be that person, I can’t be, now that I’ve stopped Chrysalis. I sit down with Pinkie and enjoy the rest of my dream.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I wish I had one in Ponyville. I should probably get one, but where would I put it? There’s not much room at the library, and I can’t just put it in Twi’s room. Maybe... maybe I could get my own house in Ponyville. That sounds like a nice idea, but where do I get that kind of money?

Eh, I’ll figure it out later. Agh, shit! My eyes are assaulted by a blinding light and I realize that my rather large windowed room has a perfect view of the sun at sunrise, and my bed positioned just so that said view aims the climbing sun directly into my eyes, robbing me of any chance of getting back to sleep. Now I get why Celestia set me up in this room.

Groggily I pull my street clothes on, picking them up off the floor where I tossed them last night. I walk out into the hallway connected to my room and down a staircase comes Celestia. She looks all prim and perfect as usual, but she definitely still looks tired. Awake, alert, but tired.

‘Morning’ she says, and ‘Morning’ I reply.

Not much of a conversationalist in the early morning either. A pony dressed up in serving clothes comes up to us and seats us at a table across from each other.

A different server pony brings out some drinks for us, a mug in front of me and a teacup in front of Celly. I look down at the mug and can tell by the unappetizing smell that it’s coffee. Ugh. Celestia looks at me and I look at her, exchanging a glance of... something. Too early to think. Wordlessly we reach for each-other’s cup and drink from it, the tea warming me up inside, Celly downing the mug of dark coffee in a few gulps.

As if on cue, we both ask each other at the same time. “How do you drink that swill first thing in the morning?”

This leads to another half-awake exchange of stares and a shared shrug. “Tea is better than coffee.” I explain simply.

“I can’t stand it.”

“Then why do they bring it? Can’t you tell them not to?”

“Oh, but I’m a princess, of course I like tea, don’t be silly.” comes the mocking reply, Celly finally showing hints of sarcasm and various other ‘unfashionable tendencies’. Guess it’s true you don’t know someone until you spend an early morning with them.

I take the teapot and refill my cup as Celestia does the same with her coffee.

Then comes the food. Platters and platters of everything from hash browns to waffles. I grab a muffin and Celestia just grabs the plate of pancakes and starts on it immediately.

“I didn’t expect a princess to eat like a dumpster.” I comment, eyebrow raised as she devours the pancakes, finishes off a plate of waffles, and starts in on the salad bowl of fruit salad.

She pauses for a moment to reply. “I’ll have you know raising the sun is very hard work and doing it everyday requires a lot of energy to burn.” Then, she polishes off the fruit salad and starts in on the gallon of oatmeal.

I shrug. “Whatever excuse you need to think you aren’t gonna end up fat...”

“It has taken a full millenia of near inactivity and overeating to become eleven pounds overweight. I think I will be perfectly fine, Anthony.” her response is a bit more harshly toned than I expected. I must’ve hit harder with that comment than I’d expected to.

“Okay, geez, just warning you. Most people don’t eat like a horse every day.” I pause, realizing how accurate that statement is now.

She gives me a look of ‘Really?’ from across the table, and goes back to finishing off a thirty-egg omelette.

“So, say you didn’t have to expend all this magical energy. How long until you’re so fat your legs don’t touch the ground?” I ask, recalling the time the exact thing happened to Garfield. “Rough estimate.”

“Several more millennia.” she says, unamusedly, working on another plate of pancakes. These are slathered in syrup and butter this time, and jam to boot.

I sigh at the voracious spectacle. “And here I am capable of sustaining myself on a muffin. Must cost a lot when you eat out.”

“Being a local Ruler has its privileges.” she replies, to which I have to concede the point.

“So speaking of being a ruler, I get that here in ponyland, a princess isn’t just a booby-prize position and a token damsel... so what do you do all day?”

She takes a napkin and wipes her mouth clean, back to being reposed. “Most days of the week, I settle policy disputes, oversee requests for various projects, settle account books, do some accounting, and sign off on petitions that have garnered enough support and are a good idea. Four days a week, I preside over Day Court, and settle disputes between individuals, and resolve complaints brought forth by the common pony.” the explanation is a little dry, but seems... well, busy.

I just stare at her. “You move the damn sun and you’re a politician? Jeez your job sucks.”

“Would you rather have somepony with with a hundred-year vision taking control and running equestria into the ground? As wonderful as my subjects are, it has been proven far too often that a vicious, but charismatic pony can lead many to a much darker fate.”

I roll my eyes “Still... you don’t go out and do anything? When do you get days off? Every month or so?”

“Oh, if I can get enough things cleared off early, and no emergencies or false alarms crop up, I have a chance to take a day off...” she thinks for a moment, going over the calculations in her head. “Every ten to thirty moons.”

“Shit girl, you need a vacation.” I say, thinking it over myself. Thirty moons, if that means months, is just a bit less than three years. “You’re in charge, right? Just say ‘I’m the fucking sun goddess and I want a break!” or something.”

“I cannot abandon my ponies for my own pleasure, Anthony. I bear the responsibility for leading them, and I will not let them down in that regard.” she says, slowly standing. “Now, I must attend my morning duties... there has been the eleventh request to tear down Canterlot’s lower district in order to build a grand swimming pool, and I need to veto it before the chance expires.” she says, and I see a glimpse of the tired Celestia again.

“Well have fun with that, Jellyfish.” I say, cracking a joke about her political position.

She gives me a narrow-eyed look, and my smile falters a touch. Then, she simply leaves, with no further snipes or comments.

“Fine, can’t take a joke, I get it.” I huff, “Seeya later, then.”

I think back to the other day, when I met Cadence. Princess Cadence. That really is a surprise. She’s hardly like Celestia or Luna, and she’s not a bad mare either. I wonder what her story is. I’d like to meet her again. I walk out into the hall and approach a guard.

“Hey, do you know where I could find Cadence?” I ask him.

He looks at a clock across the hall. “I believe she may still be asleep.”

I fold my arms across my chest. “Humor me, buckethead.”

With a sigh and rolled eyes, the guard leads me down a few hallways. After a while, I feel like we must be on the other side of the castle. The guard stops at a door and speaks. “This room belongs to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. If you have any more questions, ask somepony else.”

“Well fine, see ya later, Mr. Friendly.” He walks off, going back to his post. Mi Amore Cadenza? Yech, no wonder she told me her name was Cadence. I’m about to knock on the door, but I think about the time... if she’s asleep, I wouldn’t want to be rude. I give the door a gentle tap. No response. I try a little harder, this time I get a reply from the other side. “Who is it?”

I grin “Doris.”

She’s obviously confused. “Doris? Doris who?”

“Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking.”

I hear her laughing and she opens the door. “Anthony! Hehee~, that was funny!” Oh, wow, she just tittered.

“And people say knock knock jokes are dead. Anyway, I didn’t have anything better to do, so I figured I’d come see you.”

“Awww, thanks! Here, come in.” She opens the door wider to let me in. Her room is actually rather small, the main difference from mine is the double bed and a private bathroom.

“Not a big fan of being a princess, I take it?”

“Oh, I’m fine being a princess, I just... I’m not as concerned with formalities and such around friends.”

“I can tell, Mi Amore Cadenza.” I say, using her full name to guage her reaction.

She winces at the name. “Ugh, please don’t tell me you’re going to be calling me that?”

“Only if I want to annoy you.” I say, acknowledging her hatred of the name.

“Thanks, I think. So, anyway, what are you?” she asks quizzically, then continues quickly to forestall my next comment, which she apparently anticipated. “I mean I know you’re a human, but where’d you come from?”

I wrap my arm around Cadence and give her a smile. “Well, you see Cadence, my mommy and daddy liked each other very much, and-”

She giggles. “Not like that. I mean, what exactly is a human?”

“Well, in all honesty, it depends on who you ask. There are lots of theories.”

“Oh really? Like what?”

“Well, some people believe humans were created in the image of a higher being or by magic. Some say we evolved from apes. Then there are those that think we’re the result of a monkey and a pig doing the Horizontal Tango.”

“Horizontal... oh. Oh.” A blush spreads across her face accompanied by a dirty grin and giggle. I take it she’s never heard that euphemism before. She continues. “And which one do you believe?”

“I honestly don’t care. I’m here and that’s all that matters. Though the idea of a pig screwing a monkey is hilarious.”

She shakes her head. “Heh, you really are quite something, Anthony.”

“Aw, thanks!” I give her a hug. Wow these ponies are soft. And her wings are very fluffy. Then the door opens.

“Good morning Cad- What!?” Suddenly I’m being tackled to the floor. “Cadence, run, I’ll take care of the monster!” I see my attacker is a white unicorn stallion, I can also see that he’s really angry.

“But, Shining-” Cadence’s voice is full of exasperation, and the unicorn on me has a look of almost comical devotion to the moment.

“I’ll handle this, go!”

Cadence’s face screws up into a look I’d expect from my mom, and the next comment confirms to voice, though not quite as I’d expected. “Shining Armor, you get off of him this instant!”

He backs off and looks down. “Yes, dear.”

Cadence sighs, a hoof on her forehead below her horn. “Well, that wasn’t quite how I wanted the introduction to go, but I guess it’ll have to do.” She uses her magic to pull me to my feet. “Shining, this is Anthony. I met him two days ago. He’s very nice.” The stallion shoots us a sheepish, apologetic look. “Anthony, this is my husband, Shining Armor.”

“You certainly know how to make an entrance, Mr. Armor. Not to mention an impact.” I snark my greeting. My ribs twinge angrily.

“I’m sorry, I just... I thought you were attacking her...”

“No way, she’s actually nice to me.” I walk a bit closer to Shining, eye narrowing. “And for your safety, I’d suggest you don’t do that again.”

“My safety? I’m captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard, and a Grandmaster Barrier Adept. I’m the best of the best.” He puffs out his chest in a way not dissimilar to Spike mentioning he’s Twi’s assistant.

“Oh yeah? Ask Celestia. Unless I’m mistaken, I’ve held the record for best performance on your little training regiment since four months ago.”

This got a surprised “What!?” from both of them.

“Yeah, your little entrance exam was pretty lame.” I say, striking a pose of casual indifference to drive the comment home.

“You think so, huh? How about a little friendly competition?” Shining challenges, a smirk to match mine.

“Sure. Out by the gardens behind the castle.” I turn to Cadence. “What do you think? Sound good?”

The princess rolls her eyes and shakes her head, evidently used to this kind of competitive spirit. “As long as neither of you get hurt badly, I suppose you can settle your little testosterone competition.”

Shining Armor and I are now staring at each other from across the field. Cadence has a whistle, and she’ll decide when the match starts and stops.

“You know, you can still back out, Anthony.” he says, raising his voice only a little to carry it across the field. “I’m not going to go easy on you.”

“Now? Heck no, I’m not gonna run from a challenge.” I say, already sure of my victory.

“I warned you.”

The whistle blows and I Spark up, giving Shining and Cadence quite a surprise.

“Bring it on, four-legs.” I call out, doing the kung-fu-movie ‘come at me’ stance for effect. Let’s see what ya got.”

Shining charges at me, and I do the same. At first, all we’re doing is butting heads. I don’t have as much forward push, but I’m more resourceful. I use my right hand to push on Shining’s side, making him fall over. Arms rock. Speaking of...

I rush at my opponent, and attempt a punch, but he’s put up a magical barrier. I keep punching it, but I can’t break it. Shining smirks. “That the best you have?”

“Not even close.” I speed up, throwing a flurry of punches, impacting the barrier. I can see Shining begin to sweat. Eventually I break the barrier, and Shining backs up. “Woah, you’re good!”

I’m pretty winded from the effort it took to break through that shield. Not sure I could do it again. Still, I respond with “You haven’t seen anything yet!” Igniting, I surround my arms in flames. It’s mainly to impress him though, I’m not going to burn him. This is just a friendly competition after all. Nevertheless, Armor puts up another bubble shield, this time around me.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Shining smirks as I try and punch the shield. Wait... The shield is solid! I turn off my flames and just stare at Shining. “You think you’ve beat me?”

“Try and get out, if you think you can still win.” I grin and go intangible, and simply walk out of the pink bubble, making Shining Armor gasp. He tries an offensive spell, but it’s not fast enough and I cancel it before it hits me. Now he’s really freaked out. I rush up to him. He tries another shield around himself, but I just walk through it like before, push Shining onto his side, and sit down on top of him. He can’t get the leverage to throw me off, and he’s accepted that magic doesn’t work. With a frustrated sigh, he taps the ground twice with his hoof and Cadence blows the whistle. I get off Armor and help him up before Powering down.

Cadence walks over, looking me over appraisingly. “Wow, you certainly are something else, Anthony.”

I shrug. “Eh, they’re just powers. If I couldn’t use them and Shining Armor didn’t have magic, I’m not sure I’d still win.” I turn to Shining and hold out my hand. “That was fun. You were pretty good.” He shakes my hand with a hoof and nods his thanks.

“You are good at magic though.” I say. “Kinda reminds me of Twilight...”

Shining Armor raises an eyebrow. “Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yeah, you know her?” I ask.

The couple shares a laugh. “She’s my little sister, and Cadence is her old foalsitter. How’d you meet her?”

“She was the first pony I met when I came to Equestria.” I decide to recount my adventures, and after a while, Shining is called to... do something. So Cadence and I just sit and talk like before at the cafe. After telling my stories to so many ponies, I sort of want to tell them about my experience with the Changelings... but I’d rather only have to tell it once, so I guess I’ll wait until I have a chance to get everyone together to tell it. I’m just glad I’m not going to run into Queen Chrysalis again.

As we’re talking, I start to get hungry. “Hey, I’m gonna go inside to get something to eat; wanna come with?”

“No, I have a better idea. Let’s stay out here.” She calls over a guard and requests that he bring food and a blanket. After he comes back, we set up the blanket and eat.

“Picnics on command.” I say with a chuckle. “Neat. Wish I had a power that let me do that.”

“I admit, there are some advantages to being a princess.” She takes a bite of her sandwich. “So you live with Twilight in her library? Do you like to read?”

“Yeah, better than doing nothing. I uh, bought a book yesterday. It’s actually rather similar to a book from my world, here.” I hand her Travels in Wunderland and she takes the book. “The version in my world is an incredible work of fiction.”

“F- fiction?” she says, gaze darting back up to me in surprise. Not sure why, though...

“Well, yeah. I mean, look at some of this stuff. It’s nonsense. Entertaining, but-”

“Nonsense? This is all real!” Cadence says, surprising me. “Jabberwocks, Cheshire Cats, Jub-Jub birds, all of them! They are real, dangerous creatures. Well, maybe not the Cheshire Cats, if they’re kept content, but still...”

“Oh, come on.” I scoff. “I know this place is all magical and stuff, but there’s no way Wonderland is real.”

Cadence looks at me. “I’ve been there, once.” Her tone is solemn, and serious.

I am speechless. Wonderland exists. “I... I’m not sure if I should be excited... or scared. Some of these creatures are outright horrors!” I pause. “Do you... do you think we could go? Just to see it? Not now, but, later?”

Cadence fluttered her wings, a concerned look gracing her features. “Well... I can ask Auntie Celestia, but it’ll have to be a month at the earliest. There’s a lot of preparation to go through if you want to go for anything more than a peek.” She scrunched her face in concentration, trying to remember some of the things off the top of her head. “Soap and string, copper bells and brass teakettles... and a full set of Vorpal Blades for the entire group. And, of course, the three-day training in using those blades.”

“And don’t eat any suspicious mushrooms.” I say, recalling Alice’s shrinking and growing experience.

“Don’t eat anything you didn’t bring with you, personally. They may not be malicious, but those Cheshire Cats are a touch mischievous.”

“Yeah, if what I remember from it is accurate, we’d be in for quite an adventure. Though I wonder if going there would affect my powers? Does the environment affect unicorn magic?”

“Not really, but there are some places where enough of the natural magic of the land has seeped into it, and formed Geas Groves, Literal Life Paths, and other dangers. Most of the names of things there are based on things they resemble from here, but Blueish was a genius researcher. We’ll be bringing the Bestiary he compiled, no matter what. You should read it, Twilight will have a copy.” Cadence grinned a little wider. “It was a gift for her when she was twelve. She spent a week falling asleep in the book while reading it. It’s one of the few that really challenged her.”

“Well, I’m not a book, but I certainly challenge her sanity. According to her that is. She’s nice, but... She’s a little emotional sometimes.”

“She’ll probably insist on coming along. I believe the delightful Ms. Pie has relatives there, so she might want to join us, too.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past Pinkie to have some family roots in Wonderland.” I pause, considering those words. “Actually, that might explain a bit...”

“From what I hear, it’s where her grandmother on her mother’s side hails from, though I heard this grandmother’s not an earth pony.” She gently raises a small, capped thermos, and poured herself some tea. “A rather rare break from the traditions around Stony Hollow.”

“So, if we leave in a month, and we stay there for, say another month, and return, there should be... two years before we release Discord. Yeah, sounds good to me.”

“Assuming the stay lasts a month here, of course.”

I lean back and resume the small talk. “So, what is there to do around Canterlot for those who don’t have money or look like a pony?”

“Usually?” Cadence shrugged. “Finish catching their connecting train to somewhere else.”

“Joy.” I grouse, unhappy at the prospect of a day spent being bored. “Oh well, at least I can go home tomorrow. I think Twi will have cooled off by then.”

“Don’t you have money?” Cadence asked, looking genuinely concerned. “How do you get food?”

“I... ask for it. You know, I don’t really eat much. It’s weird but... I don’t get that hungry. Dunno why. For all I know, it has something to do with this.” I spark up, allowing her a better look at my Star Form.

“Oooh, wow! That’s so neat... can I... Can I touch you?” Cadence was a bright-eyed as a child, a wide, open expression on her face as she leaned towards me.

“Only if I let you, I can turn intangible, that’s how I can do the ‘walk-out-of-the-bubble’ trick. But yeah, go ahead.”

As gentle as a feather, she pokes me in the chest with the ‘knuckle’ of her wing, then begins poking at my chest with her hoof. A tiny spark jumped to her through the silk of my shirt. She giggled, sounding giddy as a foal. “It tickles! I didn’t know you could make electricity.”

“I... I didn’t either. There’s a ton about this power I know nothing about. Anyway, I’m willing to bet my shirt doesn’t change as much as my skin does.”

Cadence giggled and coyly hides her face. “Why, Anthony, I didn’t know you felt that way!”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” I pause, then grin. “But you aren’t complaining, are you?”

Her grin grew only wider. “Of course not. I am the Alicorn of Love, after all.”

“Just for clarification, I am only joking around, I have no intention of having a romantic relationship with any pony whatsoever. I’m a human, so I’m gonna stick with them... even though now I may have even worse luck with that.”

She laughed. “Don’t worry yourself, I can tell just fine. But I think you and Ms. Pie would get along well.” her voice dropped and an impish grin formed on her face. “Very well, I think.”

My eyes must be absolutely huge, heck, I’m so shocked I powered down just from the comment. “Subject change! Um... Uh... Drat, I got nothing.”

“Muahahaha! I have another tally for my awkward-list.” Cadence’s diabolical laugh is surprisingly scary, most likely because of how poofy-pretty-princess-like she appears.

“Yeah, sure. Check this out!” I Spark up; take off my shirt and show her the white pulsing energy-core that replaces my heart.

“oooOOOooo...” She reaches out once more puts a gentle hoof on my chest, ignoring the thin arcs of electricity jumping to her. “It’s so warm...” As she whispers that, I can feel the warmth of the center of her hoof, past the hard part. It’s firm, but rather soft. It also feels vaguely like it’s forming a suction-cup effect.

“Heart of gold, nothin’ baby, I got a heart of nuclear fission!”

She looks at me, smiling but with a clear look of confusion. “Of what now?”

“It’s science stuff, Twilight might find that a bit more entertaining... if she thought any of my jokes were.”

“I’ve never heard of it before.” she says, her hoof still on my chest. “What’s ‘nookey-lar fishing’?”

“Hahahahahaha... oooooh, man if you weren’t serious that would have been even funnier.” I calm down from my laughing fit. “Nuclear fission is, well... think of it like... er... well, you know how a star radiates light? Well, that light comes from the energy it produces. And that’s what makes it so bright. A star may seem small, but it’s got a huge amount of power to it. Eventually though, the energy burns out, which is why stars die.”

Cadence’s eyes are forming tears as a look of horror crosses her face. “But you’ll be alright, right? Your star isn’t going to ‘burn out’ soon. Is it?” Suddenly, Cadence seemed to be struck with an idea. “Wait, I should bring you to aunty Luna! She’ll know!”

“I already talked with Luna. Sadly, yes, I will die. My time on this mortal plane is wearing out as we speak. I fear that I will eventually fall into the grasp of death and pass on. Oh, if only I had longer than a couple thousand more years!” I say with as much sarcasm and sappiness I can form in my voice.

“That is so sad!” Cadence suddenly buried me in a hug, sounding absolutely serious. “I don’t wanna have to bury you one day!”

“I- what? Cadence, ponies don’t live forever, do they? I could probably outlive any of you! Seriously, thousands of years!”

Cadence pulled back for a moment, her eyes a touch watery. “W-well, I guess you haven’t been told that Alicorns live until they’re killed. Or, y’know, they gather enough power to ascend to another plane. Or maybe they just disappear, we’ve never had a good answer on the exact results. But Alicorns just get bigger as they gain power, not older.”

“Huh, well, that explains a lot about Celestia and Luna, I suppose. But really. If I didn’t have this star power, I’d have, like, fifty more years, tops. This is a gift!”

She looked at me again. “Yeah, but if you’re only here for a little while then... well, maybe then you not being around will stop...” Her eyes went watery again, and she suddenly couldn’t meet my gaze anymore. She begins to wipe at her eyes with a hoof-ankle. I should probably look up the term for that later.

I hold her to calm her down. “Cadence, humans aren’t even meant to live this long. I’m not sure if I want to have those three-thousand years. I accepted that I was going to die when I found out I could die. I think I was, like, five or something. Seriously. I don’t mind, why do you need to be sad for me?”

“I- well, Alicorns have perfect memory for any face they’ve ever seen. I only remember...” she sniffled again. “I only remember my parent’s faces. I don’t remember their names.”

“Well, then you can rest assured that if you had to remember any face for all eternity, you get to have mine, aren’t you lucky?” I wink, powering down again.

Her smile returned, like the sun sneaking out from behind the cover of a cloudy day. “Well, I suppose your big, monkey-pig face is too memorable for anypony.” She hugged me again, the feeling of downy feathers on my skin reminding me that my shirt was still off.

On the other hand, this was really soft.

Stupid dilemmas. They never play fair. It was also nice; warm, and I was still kinda tired...

Sunlight speared my eyeballs, which was totally unfair, because my eyelids should have been in the way. Oh, wait, it’s just noon. I get up and decide I should probably put my shirt back on. Then I notice Cadence isn’t around. Where’d she wander off to?

Off to the side, I noticed her lying on the grass, a book in her magical grip. By her side was Shining Armor, under one of her wings as he also read the book.

“So, do we get someone else over here, or keep it a menage à trois?”

Shining’s face turned a brilliant shade of red rivaled only by crayons and firetrucks, while Cadence seemed utterly nonplussed. “Non, ce n'est pas un problème. Je ne savais pas que vous saviez prançais?”

“Hey, I know all kinds of things. I think we broke Shining though. I fear his brain froze, assuming I was referring to the slang term.”

“Oh? Oh, yes, I suppose that would be what he thinks of first. Aussi, savez-vous plus prançais, ou juste un peu?”

“Uh... I got, like, half of that. Sorry, I’m not entirely fluent. Uh... a little less, I suppose?”

Cadence giggled at my lack of comprehension. “Close enough, I’ll stop teasing you for now. Also, if you’d like some money to spend, I could give you fifty bits to use. Consider it a gift, from me.”

“I’ll take it, thanks. I don’t understand why all the stuff needs to be so expensive around here.” I roll my eyes and shrug. “Oh well, that’s the ‘fancy’ life I suppose. If it doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket, it’s not worth having.”

Cadence shrugged. “It’s considered rude not to reciprocate the value of gifts given in unicorn culture. To give a lesser gift is to show you’re of a lesser station. It’s something that was hammered into my head for a long time. Oh, Anthony, if you’d like to apologize to Twilight, I believe that she doesn’t own the most recent version of Lookinglass Gates.”

“Thanks, that might work. She certainly likes books. What do you think her reaction was when she learned she’d get to live in a library? I bet she looked like this.” I give the dumbest, most mind-draining stupid happy face I could imagine.

Cadence snickered. “Now now, don’t make fun of ponies when they aren’t around to defend themselves. It’s no fun and no fair.”

“I think I see why Shining likes you so much. Or he’s just very lucky. Anyway, I’m going to return to the mall. My kingdom needs me.”

She nods sagely. “Well, good afternoon, then. And may the Force be with you, always.”

I walk off laughing, ah Star Wars jokes, they never get... Star Wars exists here! Oh dear god, I need to see this! But for now, I shall return to Castle Blockfort, lest I return to find it raided by a band of rogue Transformares. The pun still made me retch a little, but it was better than some.

Once in the mall, I return to the bookstore and pick up a copy of Lookinglass Gates. The old stallion behind the counter seemed happy I’d returned for another book, and I got it for only four bits. Once I made my purchase, I decided I’d at least give the new book a quick read. Remembering what Cadence said, about all this being real... I never was so scared of Wonderland before in my entire life. And the urge to go there had never been stronger either. I wonder what this Blueish guy might have missed. Whatever I see there when I go, I’m sure it would make for a neat story to tell everyone when I return. Deciding I’d read enough of the gargantuan tome, I got up and returned to the toy section.

The noble King knelt in the blasted ruins of his once glorious castle. The casualties of the fight had been numerous, many of his woolen soldier’s missing entirely, likely dragged away by the savages who destroyed the entire royal palace. None of the Mother and Kitten sets were left, the monsters. A lone sword, forged of the finest wood, was all that lay on the remnants of his mighty throne.

As he wept, he cried out in frustration. He swore out his revenge to the heavens above, “You bastards will regret not taking the Furbies, this I swear!!” The fact that Equestria didn’t have Furbies notwithstanding.

He stood, his royal countenance streaked with tears of rage, and looked upon the cruelly sundered bricks of his once-great home. A lone soldier, cloth face miraculously unscarred from the previous stampede of barbarians, was still laying on the ground by the main gate.

“M- my king...” she sputtered out, and the King went to her side. “There were too many of them, and it was a twenty-percent-off sale. We never... never stood a chance. I’m so sorry... my... k-” her voice trailed off into a death rattle.

Once more, the king cried his fury to the heavens, only stopping when a great titan, clad in cerulean cloth, appeared. “Sir, you need to quiet down, please, you’re scaring the customers.”

Unable to fight the titan in his current state, the king could only nod numbly. He’d get his revenge. Someday. Not today, but someday...

But for now, I’ll just find some stuff to buy. I’m in a toy store with a sack full of money, the end result should be obvious. I go down the aisles and look for various sundries that pique my interest. Technically that covers everything in sight, but I have to limit myself to my budget. My purchase will include the faithful soldier, though. She will be avenged...

I decide to get a squirt ‘gun’, some ‘Earth Magic Stones’ that are just natural magnets, a build-your-own mini trebuchet kit, a home Arcane Circuitry set, and a slingshot. Obviously I purchased the slingshot in the only appropriate way one should; by holding it over my head with both hands after paying for it. The odd look I got from the cashier was rather entertaining as well.

Anyway, after my purchases, I have six bits left. I’m probably going to have to ask Celestia for help getting back to Ponyville. My thoughts turn to when I was with Cadence, how I generated those sparks when she touched me. I Spark up and try to replicate it. I hold up my hand and concentrate, and watch as tiny arcs of electricity leap between my fingers. I try the other hand and it’s the same. Thinking about my fire powers, I try something similar. I look at my reflection in a shop window, and I see myself covered in wild zigzagging lines of yellow-white energy. I can control electricity! But... I want to do more. I want to be electricity...

I feel an current surge up my spine as my body is surrounded by the crackling arcs, my Spark form has changed color to a more yellowish tone, but my aura definitely still blue. My body is generating electricity like a dynamo! Not only that, but I feel... lighter.

After testing out my new power, I discover that my ability to increase my speed was really just a minor manifestation of my Dynamo form, and now that I fully realized it, I could move even faster! I no longer had to fight the wind, I could hit my peak at will, and though I can’t fly, I feel I don’t need to. Unfortunately, using this new form tires me out much faster. I’ll need to get more practice; learn how to control this better, but I’ll save that for when I show Twilight, she’ll definitely want to see this!

Chapter 18

At my request, Celestia teleports me to Ponyville. I’m about to head for the library when I stop. I should at least look like I know what I’m doing with my powers before I show Twilight. I don’t want to make a mistake and have to fix it. I decide that the safest place to test my Dynamo form would be inside the Everfree forest. No ponies or buildings around to get possibly damaged.

Once I’m in the forest, I decide to run another test. I successfully shift straight into my Heat form, then swap immediately into my Dynamo form. I’ll have to write this down as well: I can go directly into an elemental form without having to Spark up first, and I can access any form I want whenever I want. Cool.

I return to my Dynamo form and begin emitting electricity from my hands. Aside from my usual glow, I generate strong arcs of light with the electricity leaping from my fingers in a strobe-like fashion. Switching to my Heat form also generates light due to the fire. I move to another test with my Dynamo form. I punch a tree and sparks leap to it, but doesn’t damage the tree at all aside from the impact of my fist. Now to test liquid conductivity. I find a small pool and dip my hand into it. Once I see a bunch of dead, electrocuted fish float to the water’s surface, I decide that, yes, water conducts my electricity as normal. I wade out into the water to collect the dead fish.

Taking them to the shore, I hold one and roast them with fire. I’d probably skin them first, but I don’t have a knife or any coal to make an knife out of. There is also the fact that I don’t even know how to skin a fish or debone it. After charring three fish of my ten, I finally figure out the appropriate temperature and cooking time required to consider my catches edible. Aside from having to chew through scales, I was glad for the cooked meat. I continue my meal until I’m out of fish. Oh delicious meat, how I missed you so~!

I continue my training, testing the various properties of the electricity I generate. I use the magnets I bought to determine that nearby magnetic fields draw the electricity from my body. Not sapping the power, the electricity is merely attracted to the magnet, jumping to it in arcs, throwing off even more light than before, and much more consistently, as well. It also melts the hematite of the magnets, making them drip in tiny molten puddles to the forest floor. I wish I could get a sheet of metal to test the conductive properties of other materials, but that will have to wait. No way I’m finding one of those around here.

The next thing I decide to test is my speed. It seems that I can make any sort of movement as fast as I want, though since my body has to actually move that fast, it wears on my muscles. Luckily, I can choose how much of a speed increase I get, so I don’t wear out my body just by being in Dynamo form. Still a little sore from trying a partial speed-boost that almost torqued my arm off, though.

Overall, this day has been very educational, but what I really need is a living test subject, something that will react physically, so I can compare my movements and actions to it. Plus, I wanna see what happens when I mash an electrified fist into something’s face at roughly the speed of light. I decide that my next task should be to find one of those dangerous creatures native to the Everfree forest. I walk deep into the forest, not finding much, though I did come across some insectoid creature that looked like a winged purple ball with eyes. It just sniffed me and then flew off. That thing was ugly as sin, nothing should have eyes like that! Other than that though, there’s absolutely nothing. Dangerous place my ass, my socks are scarier than this place.

“Come on, is there anything around here!?”

As if in response, I see a bush rustle. I leap over and push the foliage away. It’s a Changeling! I grab it by the throat and shove it’s body against a tree, holding it in place with my arm. I’m going to fry this sonofabi-

“Please, don’t hurt me!” the changeling says, bowing and scraping as much as it can while pinned against a tree. Against my better judgement I take my arm away and the Changeling drops to the ground where it shakily stands up.

“Why shouldn’t I? As soon as I turn my back, you’re going to blast me or bite me. All you sick creatures want now is revenge for me killing Chrysalis, right?”

“N- No! That’s not it at all!” The Changeling’s voice is strange. Like a sort of buzzing hiss behind the words. “Please, if you’re really the one who killed Chrysalis, you have our thanks, sincerely!” It bows again, face pressed to the loam and moss.

“And why, pray tell, is that?” Seriously, bug instinct says ‘attack that which hurts our queen’ and these are very insectoid

“She was using us as slaves!” it shrieks, looking up at me. I’m a touch surprised to see tears welling in its eyes. “She cast some sort of obedience spell on us, we couldn’t argue or do anything at all but exactly what we were told! You saved us!”

“Why would she do that? She’s a Changeling too.” I’m a bit skeptical, this doesn’t make a lot of sense.

“Just because you’re the same species doesn’t mean you’re all friends with each other.” It points out.

“Okay, you got me there.” I agree, nodding. Humanity is probably the best example in favor of that argument possible. “I probably understand that better than most of the ponies around here.” I relent.

“Okay, as long as you understand. Anyway, Chrysalis controlled us, using us as servants and pawns.” It shakes its head sadly. “Whenever she had plans that involved us, we were like disposable trash. There were so many of us and we could repopulate so quickly, it didn’t matter to her.”

“So when I killed Chrysalis and no Changelings attacked...”

“We were so shocked that we had regained our free will that we never got the chance to thank you! You saved our minds, our lives, and those of our children!”

The Changeling bowed down at my feet, the sight triggering the vision in my head. “Get up! Get up now!” I’m not going to let even part of that dream come true, it’s the only way to truly prevent it completely. The Changeling rises to its hooves.

“I- I thank you, but the rest of us would like to thank you as well.” it says, looking unsure of what to do. If they were bred in there to be servants, they might not know any other way to live. “I... trust you know where the hive is?”

“I’m not going back there. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just... Okay; fine, I don’t trust you.”

It gives a more respectful, polite bow, more like one you’d give to a noble, but not a king. “I assure you that none of us wish you harm or inconvenience, but I understand your hesitance.”

I think for a moment. They don’t seem to be lying, but that can be either a sign of honesty, or a good liar. “I’m not going anywhere with you under any circumstances. I might show up at the hive, but it will be of my own volition, completely unannounced, and at whatever time or date I wish. I am however, going to let you leave unharmed against my better judgement.” The changeling nods enthusiastically, smiling toothily. “Also, if I discover any, and I mean any Changelings in Ponyville, I will burn your hive to the ground and kill you all, driving you all to extinction. Am I clear?”

The Changeling nods hurriedly and dashes off into the bushes and, I suppose, back to the hive. That was certainly unexpected. I’ll have to think about what I’m going to do. I will be returning to the hive, but when? I suppose I can ask Twilight. It should be safe to tell her and her friends about this without telling them about my other encounters with the Changelings.

I head back to Ponyville, deciding to tell Twilight once I’m done demonstrating my Dynamo form. I hope she can supply me with some other materials to test with. I’ll also have to set up that Arcane Circuitry kit, I’m just dying to know how they developed electricity and how it works.

I figure I should at least stop by Fluttershy’s cottage since I’m nearby. I really should spend more time with these ponies if they’re supposed to be my friends. I walk up to her door and knock.

Fluttershy opens her door slowly, but then seems to be a bit... relieved when she sees it’s me. This pegasus is such an introvert it’s kinda weird compared to the open friendliness of other ponies. Anyway, I figure we could just sit and talk while I get a chance to rest.

She offers to make some food, but I’m not that hungry since I just ate. “Don’t let me stop you though, if you’re hungry, go make something. I’m not in any rush.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

After a few minutes, she returns with a plate of salad with some fish, the scent of lemon and herbs greeting my nose warmly. Fish!?

“Uh... ‘Shy? What’s with the fish?”

“Oh, I like to have some shredded salmon on my salads. I- I’m sorry if that bothers you. I don’t know what humans eat.”

“Oh no, it’s perfectly fine, I just... I didn’t expect ponies to eat meat, I mean... you guys are mainly herbivores, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes. Well, sort of... W- what I mean is that ponies are technically omnivores, but only pegasi really eat fish. Unicorns usually call it ‘uncouth’, but it’s why they’re usually so skinny. Earth ponies sometimes eat fish, and sometimes even b- b- bacon.” ‘Shy’s squeaking stutters trailed off at that, looking a bit grossed out. “It’s all nature, I know, but piggies are just so cute...”

“Well yeah, pigs are cute, but have you had bacon? It’s delicious!”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t want to eat anything with hooves or paws or little toesies... but rattlesnake is pretty good?” Her last statement sounded almost like a question, as if asking me for permission to like snake meat.

“Snakes? Snakes nothing, ever had alligator before?”

“Alligators have toes.” she countered.

“Alright, fine. I guess we can agree to disagree. Guess I can’t walk into a restaurant and order a steak then.”

“Well, maybe in a griffon restaurant, but there aren’t any in Ponyville, nor Canterlot that I know of. The nearest one is in Dodge Junction. Dash tried to take me there once, but there were so many eyes...” Her voice trailed off into a squeak, and she was now huddled under her pink mane like it was a safety blanket. I can easily tell why both Dash and Pinkie said ‘no pranking Fluttershy’.

I decide to calm her down. “It’s alright Fluttershy, I don’t mind if you eat cows or not. No need to be scared.”

“I- I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of crowds.” She leaned towards me.

“Well, there’s nobody here but me, so you don’t need to worry about anything.” I pick up Fluttershy and give her a hug. She must be the softest, fluffiest pony thus far! I pet her gently to calm her down. “I’m the only one here. It’s just you, me, and the floorboards.”

Fluttershy smiled and nuzzled my shoulder for a moment, before turning back towards her food. “Uh, if it’s alright with you, could I finish my lunch?”

“Oh, of course.” I set her down in front of her plate.

A sudden, frightening crash resounds through the cottage, coming from the direction of Ponyville. As if by teleportation, Fluttershy is back in my arms, clamped to my chest like a super magnet to a brick of steel. Only, I’m not as tough as steel, and I can feel my lungs being crushed.

I say something along the lines of ‘don’t worry, Flutters, I’ll see what it is, you’re safe’ and stand up. Walking to the door, I open the top half of the inexplicable dutch door design, and look towards the town. A plume of smoke- no, several plumes of smoke are rising, and I can faintly hear screaming.

I prepare to exit the cottage, and only stop when I hear a squeak, and look down to see that Fluttershy’s deathgrip hasn’t let up, but her wings are doing everything in their power to push her (and by extension, me) away from the door. Her huge, watery cyan eyes stare up at me.

“Stay here ‘Shy. I’m going to find out what’s going on. Don’t worry, this should be quick.”

Fluttershy nods at me, reluctantly letting go and sliding to the floor. “I- I’ll j-just go hide under Harry. He’s the bear.”

“Well, that should be perfectly- bear!? Jeez ‘Shy, what don’t you have? Nevermind, I’ll be right back.” I begin running towards town thinking the words ‘I hope’ to myself.

As I run towards the town, skipping over the rough patches of foliage between segments of the twisty road, I can hear the shouts and screaming intensifying. This isn’t the semi-panicked, almost rehearsed ‘oh no, there’s something new in town!’ screams, but the throaty, full-body screaming of someone terrified for their life... or the lives of their loved ones.

I’ve only heard screams like that in movies, but this hit me somewhere primal, well behind my conscious thoughts.
.
Without thinking, I’d shifted to my Dynamo form, leaping farther and faster than normal. Sparks and arcs of electricity jumped in thin streams from me to the ground, as if to push me a little higher and farther. As I came in sight of the town, I was unprepared by what I saw.

Ponyville was burning. And not a few fires here and there, but fires engulfing entire houses and smoke thick enough I can’t see two inches into it.

This is bad. Very bad. I don’t even know the cause of this, and I can’t just put out fires at will... I look for some indication of where the fire started.

A crackling, creaking noise, like a thick piece of wood being bent, caught my attention, and I turned in time to see and dodge a falling beam from a house.

A pony, one I don’t recognize, lays just inside the now-open house, apparently unconscious. A small pool of blood lay under their head, a stone or metal knickknack nearby, likely having fallen off of the shelf that was pinning them to the ground.

“Shit!” I switch to my Heat Form, but not actually producing any flames. I take advantage of my heat resistance to get inside and grab the pony. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have a safe place to put them... other than the street, which was only marginally safer.

As I pick up the pony, they open their eyes partially, and croak out a “thanks”, before passing out again. I felt a little better inside, and took them outside. At least the street was better than nothing. I need to stop the bleeding. I attempt to tear off part of my shirt to make a crude bandage, but apparently, Rarity definitely knew who she was making this shirt for. Damnit.

I could use my heat power to try to cauterize the wound, but I’m afraid of burning them. I never got a chance to practice this... Oh well, I have to do something. I project a small but very hot flame from my fingertip and put it close to the pony’s wound, and pray I’m doing it right.

A quick swipe of my finger, and the flesh is now furless, rather blackened, but no longer bleeding. My job done, I rush off further into the town, looking for what could have caused this. An idea flashed in my mind.

I could create a backfire, and force the two to burn each other out... but then there’d be nothing left of Ponyville, and potentially its inhabitants.

A roar, monstrous and bellowing, reverberated through the town, and I could feel it more than I could hear it. Looking for the source, I watched as a... a something bursts through a brick-and-stone wall of a house, sending the building materials scattering. The creature turns towards me, and I see a perfectly human face and torso atop a body of nightmares. The person’s head is bald, and their smile is manic, and the demonic-looking body is darkened and covered in red, furiously hot cracks, dribbles of magma or blood falling to the ground from them.

A pony stumbles out of the house that had been broken open, and the monster looks at it. For a moment, I hope that it was all a misunderstanding, and it’s a human who got powers too and is just confused... and then it grabs the pony and bites off their forelegs.

But what the creature did was nowhere near as disturbing as how it did it. A huge maw opened up in the thing’s chest, lined with red-hot teeth, and it just tore the pony’s limbs off, apparently swallowing them or something. The pony was thrown aside like a broken toy, screaming in agony and terror.

I decide I’ve had enough, and approach him, yelling. My body is now surrounded by scorching flames. “You have two seconds to tell me what you’re doing here!!”

In a voice a genteel as a polished dagger, the human face speaks. “I am seeking my ascension. Why? Do you think you can stop me?” In spite of the odd civility of the tone, the voice is a dozen decibels above shouting.

“What I think doesn’t matter, you bastard. I will stop you!” I raise my fists, still swirling with fire. I wait for his move. I’m not going to rush in and get my ass kicked.

“Ha! I shall find the fount of Kindness and despoil it. And no mere candle flame will stand in my way.” The gargantuan creature reared up, its gorilla-like posture explained by its proportions. The huge, wide chest supported by a pair of massive arms, each ending in hands half as wide as I am tall. A pair of rather normal human legs, coated in blackened, stone-like flesh dangled pathetically behind him. A whip-like tail, barbed and studded with spikes coiled angrily around him.

The chest-mouth opened again, and another fearsome roar sounded, the deep bass rumble shaking the loose stones and bricks on the street.

With that, the creature charged, fists swinging and mouths open in terrible grins. One vertical, one horizontal.

“Candle flame? Candle flame!? Buddy, you’ve asked for it.” I charge forward, going intangible. I hope I can surprise him with it and get a few quick hits in. He slams through me, and I feel something like a wave of hot air try to push against my intangible form. The roar and shout of surprise tells me that he at least didn’t expect it, but I don’t hear or see him wheeling around to attack again. Instead, the thudding of his passage reveals he’s continuing onwards.

I don’t waste my time. I swap to my Dynamo form, and rush at him as fast as I can, and slam an electrified fist as hard as I can right to his human head. I smash through the crest of blackened bone protecting his back, the material brittle and easily destroyed, but my fist’s landing hits bone and flesh with no result. The monster doesn’t even flinch, and I feel my leg become impaled, the sharp pain coming seemingly from nowhere. Whatever it was, it drags me from the creature’s back, ripping out of my leg as it throws me.

This time, I get a good look at what grabbed me; the spiny, barbed tail of the demon creature is, it would seem, fully prehensile. The creature, still lumbering in the direction I’d came from, stops only for a moment to smash a huge fist through the side of a house and grab another pony from the second floor. For just a moment, I catch a glimpse of a lemon-yellow coat before I hear the grisly ‘crunch’ of internal damage, the pony shrieking in agony. Speeding forward, I’m able to catch the pony as she’s thrown by the monster over his shoulder, a series of spikes erupting from his back.

As the beast laughs, I gently lay the injured pony on the ground, where she bleeds quietly from the corner of her mouth. Looking up at me, she smiles slightly, before clutching her ribs with a pained expression. I’ve never even heard of anyone acting this callously towards anything, much less thinking creatures. This goes beyond mere psychopathy. I have to stop him somehow, before he finds his target. He said he was searching for a ‘fount of kindness’...

A chill settles in my heart, and I swear my core grows a little dim for a moment. Fluttershy. He’s going after Fluttershy.

“Not on my watch.” Deciding to change my tactic, I power down and increase my size until I’m twenty times his size and rush after him. Reaching down with my own gargantuan fists, I swat him away from a trio of ponies he was about to slam into paste. Each of them look up at me in awe, but I don’t have time for that. A faint surge of pride fills me, though, and my next attack punts him clear over a bunch of houses and into the clear area of the town square. Abandoned market stalls are scattered around, but the ponies have abandoned the area, meaning I’m not as restricted in my attacks.

The monster, now visibly more angry, rakes my hand with his claws as I try to hit him again, my larger form vastly more sluggish than his. The pain is a bright, searing thing, but the heat at least cauterized my wounds, so they aren’t bleeding.

I return to my normal size, and change to my Dynamo form, and I charge as much electricity through my body as I can, trying to electrocute him.

He charges again, this time with his chest-mouth wide open. Inside I can see what looks like a forty-foot tunnel lined with red-hot teeth. It’s possible that my intangibility won’t work if I get sucked into that, but it just means I need to be a little more creative.

Just before he hits me, I fall backwards, pushing myself down to speed it up. It’ll hurt, but means his relatively un-armored belly will pass right over. And when it does, I slam my hands up, palms out, releasing all the electricity I’d been storing. Constantly running it back and forth to up both its voltage and amperage, it ought to be able to at least stun an angry moose. And I‘m far more terrified of an angry moose than I am of this guy.

The electrical jolt seems to lift him off the ground, and he falls into a limp pile of limbs in the mess of a bunch of wrecked carts. The body twitches once, but then stills, jittering slightly from the residual static. I’m not going to take any chances, so I decide my next course of action would be to finish him off. I walk up to him, my plan forming in my mind. I’m going to go intangible, reach my hand through his head, and send ten-thousand volts straight to his fucked-up brain.

I stand next to his head, and reach for his face, tiny arcs of electricity already jumping from my hand. Before I can do it, though, a literal tongue of flame flicks out from his chest-mouth and grabs me. The burning sensation of liquid fire being poured across my flesh hurt worse than any other injury I’ve ever received. I can feel myself being flung by the fiery tongue, and I slam through another market stall.

I’m barely hanging onto my consciousness as I watch the monster stand up again. He starts laughing, the scratchy, distorted sound making my head hurt. My powers seem faded, no sparks of electricity coming to my call. As he begins lumbering towards me, I hear something.

“Get up!”

It came from somewhere on one of the rooftops.

“Get up! I know you can!”

Looking towards the source of the noise, I see a tiny speck of white, with a little mop of mulberry curls on top. Next to it is a little speck of yellow, with a pink bow, and a dot of orange with a purple mane.

One of the other CMC members called out. “C’mon, man, I believe in you!”

A spark jumps between my fingers. The monster is closing on me, but I see shapes on the clouds above, pegasi staying at a safe distance to watch. They too begin to shout encouragement to me. Another spark crawls across my skin. More ponies are forming a wide, cautious ring around the town square, and they’re shouting encouragements as well. The demon eyes them moodily as he advances towards me, evidently seeking to squash their hope and me in a single blow.

Then, the crowd goes quiet for a moment, drawing both me and the demon to look around at them. Slowly, they begin chanting.

“An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny!”

Sure it’s not my real name, but I still feel their belief flooding in like a refreshing drink after a long day of hard work. I’m not having any trouble breathing anymore, and some of the pain fades, though not all of it, and not all the way.

The demon growls, baring his two sets of teeth at the ponies, but to little effect. He turns his gaze on me, and I’m already prepared for more banter.

“Heh, w- what’s the m- matter, demon-boy? You don’t have a- a fan-club? I gotta say, they help. A lot!”

I get up and charge myself with electricity again. I’m not entirely sure what the energy buildup will do, but I hope it’s enough. I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but right now, I need to give this all I got.

I rush forward as fast as possible, and throw a burning, electrified fist dead center between his human eyes. I don’t know how fast I’m going, but it looks like he’s frozen until I make contact.

And for a moment, the chanting was dead once more, this time from speed alone. I was moving faster than sound. Sparks of flame and lightning suspended in air, their light coruscating off in shapes I could almost see. As my fist connects, I can feel the bones break in my hand, but I couldn’t feel the pain yet, another testament to how fast I was moving right now. The slowly expanding donut-shaped wavefront tears outward like a drill expanding in size. Visceral, meaty chunks went everywhere, and time came back to me as I watched his charred head comes apart like a melon with an M80 going off in it.

For a moment I stand still, perfectly serene and victorious. Then, I start to feel my hand.

Then, I feel nothing at all.

I open my eyes and I’m in a hospital. I check my arms for needles. None, thank goodness. Wait, what’s... Oh boy, should’ve seen this coming. I raise my right arm and I see that the area from my hand to my elbow is in a cast. I manage to sit up, but I ache all over, and can only groan in pain.

“Girls! He’s awake!”

Owww, my head is pounding and the shouting just makes it worse. “Not so loud...”

“Oops, sorry.”

Pinkie walks over to me as the rest of them walk into the room. They all give their greetings as they file in.

“Hey ladies. Man, that was somethin’.” I drawl sluggishly, coming down off the headache.

“I think that’s our line.” Rainbow Dash said, a smile on her face. “That was the most hardcore thing I’ve ever seen! Well, aside from myself that is.”

I laugh at her light narcissism “Sure, whatever you say. So how’s Ponyville?”

“Well...” Twilight starts, looking like she’s trying to avoid that subject. “It’s... not on fire anymore.”

“But it’s gonna take a long while and a lotta work ‘fore it’s rebuilt.” AJ says, looking out a window.

“Dang, if only I could have stopped him sooner. I’m sorry everyone.” I apologize, mostly for the collateral damage

“Sorry? Why would you be sorry?” Rarity asks, sounding genuinely shocked. “Dear, if it wasn’t for you, that horrid thing would have destroyed everything!”

I suddenly remember a bit of info. “No, he wouldn’t. Not before getting to Fluttershy. He told me he was going after her.”

At this, Fluttershy starts shivering, curling into a yellow and pink ball.

“But... why?” Twilight asks. “What did he want with Fluttershy? How does he even know her?”

“Well, what he actually said was that he wanted to ‘despoil the fount of kindness’ and something about ascension.” I clarify.

“Hmmm... well, it definitely sounds like he was talking about Fluttershy, but I don’t understand what he meant by despoil. I can’t think of anything Fluttershy would have that a demon would want. And what could he use to reach a higher power?” Twilight pauses. “Sorry everypony, but I’m going to go look into this.” With that, she left.

“But that thing is gone right?” Applejack asks, her twang making it sound like anythang.

“I should hope so!” Rarity says, “I can’t imagine anything that could live through a display of power like that.”

I grin and chuckle, “Thanks Rarity, like my ego needs to be any bigger.” I stop laughing when a sharp pain in my chest makes me wince instead.

“At least we know you’re recoverin’.” Applejack says, looking tired, but still smiling.

“Yeah.” I nod, then ask, “So after I literally blew his mind, what happened?”

Pinkie pops up onto the bed next to me. “Welllllll, you stopped glowing you fell over and when you didn’t move a bunch of ponies brought you here what did you do anyway you didn’t even move!”

“Heh, oh yes I did. I punched him in the face so fast he exploded.” This got a collective gasp from the others. “Heh, speed of light, baby. That’s what they mean when they say ‘faster than you can blink’.”

“I wouldn’t brag too much, partner, the doc said ya broke yer hand in more places’n ah can count. Yer gonna have that there cast for ‘bout a month.”

I look at my heavily bandaged arm. “Well, that could be a problem. Oh well, at least Ponyville is safe for now.”

“Yeah! You’re a hero now!” Pinkie’s eyes go wide as she gasps loudly enough to make my ringing ears sting, “I should throw you a hero party!!” Pinkie jumps onto the bed and hugs me, which I reciprocate with my left arm, wincing through the pain of sudden contact.

“Thanks for everything girls. Hey, Fluttershy, are you okay?”

“I... I am now, thanks to you.” she says, sounding both grateful and shaken in equal measure.

“Aww, come here.” I pat my right side and Fluttershy hovers over and rests next to me. I pull her into a hug with my right arm, being careful about my injuries. I hold both ponies close to me as I lay back down. I’m tired.

I pet them both, and though I can only feel Pinkie, Fluttershy seems to appreciate the gesture as well. I’m tired, but happy. Just gonna close my eyes for a minute...

Chapter 19

I wake up and I realize that Fluttershy has left, but Pinkie is still here, and has fallen asleep in my arm. I run my hand through Pinkie’s curly, crazy mane. How does she get her hair to do that all the time, anyway? Aw, she’s snoring... Heh. Life is good. Wait, Ponyville is pretty much ground zero at this point... why can’t my good moods ever last?

Oh well. Still, it’s a calm, comforting thought that the hospital doesn’t seem damaged. And while I can hear some of the ponies in the other rooms, their occasional moans and yelps of pain sneaking through the door, it’s evident they’re being tended to. I can hear the steady clip-clops of the nurses and doctors passing each other in the halls outside the door, and it’s a calming white noise.

I snuggle in closer to Pinkie, wincing slightly at my arm. I was heading to the library earlier to hand off the book to Twilight, and I don’t feel hurt. Well, other than my arm, that is. That should heal on its own in a month or so, though... which means no trip in a month with Cadence. Darn, I was looking forward to that.

I look down at Pinkie, musing again about her mane. Cadence mentioned she had relatives in Wunderland, which is making more sense of her mane, now that I think about it. Cadence also teased me about being ‘very compatible’ with Pinkie. I look at the pink mare’s face as she lays on me, her face framed by cotton-candy hair and the sunlight streaming in from the window, and...

Ooooooh boy. Hello morning awkwardness. Damn, this is certainly awful timing. I just reassure myself repeatedly that, no, it’s not Pinkie, it’s just nature. God this is the worst possible time for this. At least she’s asleep and won’t notice... On the other hand, maybe I should wake her up and make a hasty retreat...

Then a nurse pony comes in, I sort of recognize her as she’s the pony I saw at my initiation party, with the First Aid Cutie Mark. She’s got a yellow coat and blueish hair kept in a hairnet on the back. She looks in at me, my ‘tent’, and Pinkie resting right next to it. She grins widely. “That’s one way to feel better, but I don’t think it’ll help your arm any, Anthony.”

“This is just really bad timing, I swear.” I hiss trying not to wake Pinkie. “I have absolutely no urge to have any romantic relationship with any ponies whatsoever.” I look down. “As much as current evidence might suggest otherwise.”

She just grins even wider. “Who said anything about romance?”

“Er... Uh...” My face falls. “I’m not gonna win this one, am I?”

“Nope.” Her grin returns to a more normal size as she trots up. “Teasing aside, I’d first like to thank you for saving my little sister yesterday. She’s recovering from that head-bump and the smoke inhalation nicely. Second of all, I need to check on your arm, if that’s alright.”

“Sure, just don’t stick anything in my arm I don’t want.”

She laughed gently, “Don’t worry, any needles for you will be emergency-issue only.” She carefully grabbed my uninjured arm, turning my palm up. Her hoof went over my wrist and I feel the soft inside of her hoof press down to check my pulse. It feels kinda weird.

“Seems alright, compared to our first check of your vitals.” she gently laid my hand back on Pinkie, who just snuggled in closer to my side, eliciting a blush. Stupid Cadence. “Now, let me see your other hand.”

Shifting it over, she poked and prodded at the bits of my arm sticking out of the cast, doing something like massaging my upper arm with her eyes closed. After a few moments of doing this, she stopped, and placed a hoof over were my knuckles were buried in the cast. I watched as she simply stood there, rear hooves on the tile floor and one foreleg on the railing of the hospital bed, fourth hoof placed on my cast.

“So, is it hard to do this for a human? I mean, last I checked, I’m the first one around here.”

“Hmm? Oh, I’m just checking the flows of your life-force. If there are any eddies or backwash, it can indicate looming embolisms or worse. As it stands, though, only your brokens bones seem to be off with your arm. While you have much life-force, it’s just more to look at. It still forms the same patterns, just brighter.” She seemed to have acquired a sagely, almost doped look on her face.

“Uh... huh. So, would it be possible for me to leave with just my cast on?”

“Yes, I think that’ll be fine. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids, preferably fruit juices. If you can find some citrus fruits, those will help the most, but they’re hard to get. Other than oranges, of course. And avoid any tight hugs until your ribs are better. Let me go get you a pegasus wing-sling, I think it’ll fit you better than an earth pony one.” the nurse, whose name I still hadn’t gotten yet, sauntered calmly from the room.

I feel the urge to continue petting Pinkie, but I’m not entirely sure if that would help my little problem. At least it’s starting to subside. Cadence is crazy. No way would Pinkie and I end up doing more than being friends. Besides, who’s to say Pinkie would go for it? She seems perfectly fine being just friends, and I like it that way. I relax and wait for the nurse to return with the sling.

After trying to leave the hospital four times as patients kept stopping me to congratulate me and thank me - it was kind of embarrassing - I went to collect my stuff. Thankfully, I had forgotten it at Fluttershy’s, and she had brought it to the hospital for me. I picked it up from the head nurse’s office, meeting a white mare with a pink mane and red cutie mark, also a first-aid symbol. She also thanked me profusely.

After leaving the adoration of virtually everypony in the hospital, and finding myself feeling light on my feet, I started towards the library. I found myself hoping the huge tree was alright; it had probably withstood centuries of growing there, and to be taken out by some rampaging asshole...

Either way, though, I continued towards the library, looking sadly at the devastation ponyville suffered. Surprisingly, however, most of what had been damaged was the roofs and... facades? Most of the houses were actually brick and stone under a layer of mortar and decorative wood. I found myself feeling a little better. Some houses had collapsed or been broken by the rampaging demon, or whatever he was, and those were being tended to by teams of earth ponies and pegasi alike. I noted that many of them had apple-related cutie marks.

Looks like Applejack called in her extended family to help. And boy, when she listed all those names, she was not blowing steam. Holy crap that’s a lot of Horse Apples... AJ would kill me if she heard me say that...

Many, in fact, were also humming tunes. Or, at least, I first thought it was multiple, but it turned out to be the same tune, and each of them were humming their own part of it. When I stopped for a moment, it also seemed they were stepping and moving in tune to the shared song, though how they were doing it, I have no idea.

I found my steps crunching along the dirt road in step to the catchy tune as well, ponies stopping to wave hello to me. I hadn’t ever gotten so many smiles and friendly faces pointed my way since arriving... or even before then.

Buoyed by good will and a sense of accomplishment filling me, I virtually sped to the Library in time to see the tree get lit by the early-autumn sun. The leaves, a uniform, shimmering gold caused the entire area cleared around it to appear gilded, from the ponies working to move debris and work supplies across the area to the grass underfoot.

The name ‘Golden Oaks’ makes a lot more sense, all of a sudden.

Shaking away the minor awe at the sight, I went in to see Twilight and Spike speaking to a bunch of foals, a blackboard covered in chalk scribbles detailing fire safety in case of another large fire.

Smart pony this one, as always. I decide to interrupt. “I suppose I count too, don’t I?” I enter my heat form and snap my fingers repeatedly, each snap making my fingers catch on fire and then extinguish like a lighter.

“No, you don’t.” Spike states plainly. “We were talking about natural disasters. Not walking disasters waiting to happen.”

“Nice to see you too, dude.” I extinguish my fingers completely and stop my display. “Hey Twilight, you’re gonna cover electrical fires and incendiary gasses too, right?”

“What? Electrical fires? What does electricity have to do with fire?”

“Are you kidding me? Lightning from thunderstorms... oh, right, you can control your weather manually.” I decide to explain anyway. “Well, electricity that is not controlled can cause a fire upon striking a flammable object. I could explain how, but that would take a bit of explanation of electrons and such.”

Twilight stops me. “Electrons? What are- most of our electrical devices are powered by magic. Unless the magic used was not cast properly, there’s no cause of an accident, and each unicorn is tested extensively to make sure they fully understand the spell before using it in the field.”

“Well, guess your idea of electricity and mine differ.” I enter my Dynamo Form and start generating sparks from my left hand. I don’t want to possibly wreck my cast. “You can detect magic, Twilight. How much magic am I generating at this moment?”

Twilight’s horn glows softly, and she concentrates briefly. “Twenty-two-point-three thaums of spark elemental energy.” She smiles, looking as if waiting for me to give her a gold star.

“Spike, do you have a blank piece of scrap paper?” Once he’s holding up the paper, I charge up until my hand is generating about what I estimate to be ten thousand volts of raw electricity, then I place my forefinger on one corner of the paper, and complete the circuit with my thumb on another piece of the paper. For several seconds, nothing happens, until the short circuit finally builds enough to hurt a little. At that point, half the paper spontaneously catches fire, the vivid gold-blue arc of electricity snapping into view between my fingers with a loud CRACK that echoes through the room. Every pony in attendance folded their ears down, and several of the little fillies and colts shrieked in fear.

“Oops, didn’t know that would happen.” I admit, sheepishly.

However, the paper was more or less obliterated, the last bits of burnt ashes fluttering to ground, Spike’s eyes wide as he looked at the only bit of unburnt paper. It ended less than a millimeter from his claw-tip, and I realize I almost zapped him with that.

Spike, however, doesn’t seem afraid at all, his little mouth going wide. “That was so cool! Dude, that was amazing!”

“There it is, Twilight. Electrical fire.” I turn to address the children. “Now, that was a lot of electrical power, but practically nothing compared to that of a lightning strike. A raw bolt of lightning, if it’s anything like in my world, could kill you instantly if you are hit. This is why thunderstorms are considered very dangerous. Also, electricity is naturally conducted by metal, so avoid touching any tall metallic objects if there’s a storm going on.”

Twilight shook her head. “Okay, stop. A lightning strike will hurt, but it won’t kill! It’d take a really irresponsible weather team or a superstorm to build up that much lightning in a single place. Secondly, what do thunderstorms have to do with lightning strikes? Thunder is the sound of the rain being concussively ‘broken’ from the clouds. And finally, lightning hits whatever is nearby, it doesn’t care if something is tall or not. It’s not a living creature, Anthony. Well, unless it’s an elemental, but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.” Twilight had, at some point during the lecture, donned a tweed jacket, a simple bow-tie, a pair of tiny little glasses, and put her hair into a teacher’s bun. I hadn’t even seen it happen, I just sort of noticed it had happened afterwards, and can’t remember exactly when or how it was accomplished.

Her lecture complete, she smiled in a satisfied way, hmmphed triumphantly, and puffed her chest out slightly, a tiny poof of fur breaching top of her jacket. She took a moment to adjust her tie by hoof, straightening it.

“Yeah, according to your weather which is all controlled manually. In my world we have no control over the weather and just have to deal with whatever tornadoes, monsoons, or whatever else happens.” I point out

Twilight scoffed, soundly strangely haughty from her spot. When did she get an actual lectern here? “No weather control? Next you’ll tell me you have no way to prevent earthquakes, or that you only get one crop of growth a year. There’s no way an actual civilization can get by without those. Even the gryphons had to keep earth ponies in their lands to have enough food for each year, and-”

“And you use magic for all of those, don’t you? Maybe not all unicorn magic, but magic in some way or another. Well, I have absolutely no magical abilities at all. None of us humans do. Right here, what you see...” I gesture to my perfectly normal, clothed form. “Is all we are. No magic at all. As for lightning not killing... 10,000 people are killed by lightning strikes around my world each year and about 100,000 are injured.” This statement draws surprised gasps from everyone else in the room.

Twilight looked at me, baffled. “Well, what about the other races of your world? Or are human empires naturally isolationist?”

“You could say that, considering we’re the only sentient species on the entire planet. We are the only species capable of speech, non-instinct reliant thought, and the gift of tool making for pleasure. Why do you think I said I thought I was dreaming when I met a bunch of talking horses?”

“Well, I guess I just thought there weren’t any pony species in your world...” Twilight looked sad. “After all, if you were the first of your kind here, and you were so confused at first, it makes sense you’re from a world with different races in it. But I just figured it would be other primate-based races.”

“Nope. Anyway, I’d continue this, but perhaps later. You finish your slightly inaccurate educating of these precious young minds.” I boop her on the nose. She scrunches up her face, going cross-eyed behind her tiny glasses.

She sneezed lightly, in what was the most adorable version of that particular action I’d ever seen, and spoke up, her eyes returning to normal. “Well, actually, I’d just finished when you walked in. Children, if you want to go check out books, feel free to. We just got eight new copies of the new Daring Do book; Daring Do and the Temple of the Endless Meme!” the group of younglings scattered joyously to ransack the children’s section.

Twilight turned back to me, Spike having already settled into a wall nook with a book labeled, “Living with the Special Ponies”, and a small pile of books nearby, with titles such as, “Lesson Zero: When to tell Your Friends to Stop”, “Parallel Perpendicular: Living with ponies living with OCD”, and “The Classic Marevengers Ultimate Collection, volume 1, Comics 1-120”.

“So...” Twilight began. “You don’t have any other sentient races in your world? Or magic-users? How do you maintain basic entropic resistance across the world?”

“We don’t. We just have to live with the disasters, rebuild from the result, and bury our dead. People die Twilight. There’s no way to prevent that. Death in my world is a constant. Every single day, about ten thousand people die from some reason or another no matter where they are on the planet.”

Twilight looks horrified, and I wonder for a moment if maybe I threw her in the deep end a little fast. “Ten thousand? That’s more than the population of Manehattan a few times over! And Manehattan is our biggest city... how can your species survive that? How quickly do you breed?”

“Well, the typical gestation period for humans from conception to birth is nine months. And of course it’s more than a city! We cover our entire planet! There’s not just one continent for humans, the entire world is ours. When I say ‘our’ world, I mean that literally.”

“Wait, did you think Terra has only one continent? And how could you cover the entire planet? You’d need at least five million po- people to do that!”

“Convenient that, last I checked, our population was above six billion by quite a lot, then, isn’t it? If there’s an environment we can survive in, we’ll populate it. If we can’t inhabit it, we adapt to it by using tools and resourcefulness.

Twilight had gone from standing to sitting on her haunches, jaw wide in shock. “B-billion?” Her eye twitches, and she stops following my movements when I shift in place.

Spike, sitting in his nook, sighed ponderously. “I know that tone. Give her an hour or two and she’ll be coherent again. Unless it’s an emergency?” Spike hadn’t looked up from his book. It looked like he’d already gotten almost halfway through the thick textbook during our conversation.

I think for a moment, then grin. “Hah! I broke Twilight! Whoo, point one for me!”

“Not that hard, actually. I’m guessing it’s not an emergency, then? What did you drop by here for, anyways, looking to hang out?” Spike replies laconically.

“Actually, I came by to show off my electrical powers to Twi. Oh, and give her this.” I place “Lookinglass Gates” on her head, balancing it behind her horn. It slides off her dome. Several attempts later, I just hand it to Spike who looks it over, whose brow ridges go up in surprise. “Wow! A new copy; it’s hard to get a hold of these, they aren’t reprinted often, and none of the universities want to share theirs with, and I quote from a denial letter, a ‘mere backwater library’, regardless of the fact that this is the town that Celestia has visited more often in the last five centuries than any other.” Spike shrugged.

He turned it over a couple of times, tracing the blue-and-silver bands on the cover. “Wow, this is one of the Harper House’s prints; they use actual silver and platinum in these. How’d you afford this?”

“Got some money from Cadence while I was in Canterlot. She’s nice.”

Spike’s eyebrow-ridges raised again. “Wow! I knew she was awesome, she used to baby-sit me, but I didn’t know she’d shell out sixteen-hundred bits on a present for Twilight!”

“Uh, she didn’t. She gave me sixty bits. Most of that was spent on toys at the mall. The book was... let’s see, if I have six bits now, and the toys were... I got the book for four bits.”

Spike’s jaw drops. “What, was the cashier desperate or something?”

“Maybe, he looked really happy someone was buying anything. Well, anything but another Daring Do. How do you ponies stand that tripe, anyway?”

Spike looked indignant. “Daring Do isn’t tripe! She’s an excellent adventurer! And she saves the world a bunch of times, and even fought off the Notsees.”

“Notsees?” Notsees? Nazis? God. I enjoy fiction but... wow, that’s lame.

“Yeah, they were this big nation of the Monkey tribes that tried taking over the world. Their leader, Azure Hitter, was really obsessed with technological progress, but it’s mostly just sci-fi stuff, like steam boilers running on some secret metal. There was even something about someplace called the ‘Crystal Empire’, but Twilight hasn’t read that far. It’s some mythical place I think the author made up for the series. Supposedly, this metal radiates a secret fire, one of evil. Only crystal ponies were immune, which were ponies from the Crystal empire. It gets a little weird, but it’s a good series, I swear!”

“You shouldn’t swear, it’s not polite.” I smirk. “Anyway, I still don’t like it. So give the bookworm her gift when she wakes up. I’m gonna check on Ponyville, see if there’s anything I can help with.” As I leave, Spike waves me goodbye, and I see him pull out an origami crane, and prepare to carefully position it on Twilight’s horn. He’s probably had lots of practice at that.

Two weeks of constant labor passed easily. Even with my injured hand, it seemed that my cast was just like my clothes when I grew bigger so I was at least helpful as a giant, my arm in a mega-cast, hauling full cords of lumber under one arm like a boss. I could also haul one of the larger carts of stone or new thatch with one arm, like a giant rolling suitcase.

Every pony had a nice word or many to give me, sometimes detailing extensively how much they owed me for saving the town, or keeping the monster from tearing apart their homes. It was actually starting to get a bit annoying, because everypony keeps congratulating and thanking me. A few have even started bowing to me, stopping work dead in the process until I wave or tell them to get back to working. I wonder how the hell Celestia and Luna deal with this... oh yeah, they live in a castle secluded from the majority of the populace, which is making more and more sense by the hour. Lucky bitches.

Either way, Ponyville is looking much as it did before, and even that mare whose ribs were broken is back out of the hospital. Turns out, earth ponies regenerate over time as long as they keep physically stimulated by work. The explanation led to several blushes and stammered ‘that’s not what I meant!’ comments from Twilight when I pointed out what else is physically stimulating. I could practically feel Cadence trying to give me an air hoof-bump all the way from here.

That princess is the most innocent-looking, yet raunchy mare I’ve met. I’m so glad there are ponies here who aren’t so goddamn conservative.

As I was lounging outside the library, when a storm-gray pegasus with a straw-colored mane lands in the grass outside the library. She looks around for a moment, and I see her eyes have wandered in two separate directions, neither of them towards the library, which she begins walking towards confidently. A little head, lavender-gray with similar mane color as the pegasus, pokes out of one of the mare’s saddlebags, a pair of aviator goggles over the little pony’s face, while the pegasus wore a blue cap with a little winged golden thing on it.

I decide I should introduce myself to the pair. I stand up. “Heya, I haven’t seen you before. Who are you? And who’s your little carry-on there?”

The gray mare looks up at me, eyes both zooming forward to track me. The motion was a little hypnotic and fairly scary, with those two golden orbs sighting in on me. Then, the ‘creeped out’ feeling vanished as she smiled broadly, her eyes wandering again. “Hiya! I’m Ditzy, and I’m the mailmare. And this is Dinky, she’s my little muffin of joy!” Her smile is contagious, in a way even Pinkie’s isn’t. While Pinkie has a smile of joy and laughter, the smile of someone who told a funny joke and is basking in the laughter of friends, Ditzy has a smile that practically embodies happiness, of being utterly content with life. Then little filly saluted sharply, which was adorable, her face scrunched with seriousness.

“Well, hello there to you too.” I say, giving a polite bow. “So, I take it you two might have heard of me?”

Ditzy nodded happily. “You stopped that monster. If I hadn’t been able to fly, he would’ve k- hurt my muffin.” The stammer in her words is followed by a flicker of faded fear, but the expression doesn’t last long.

“Well, it seems like that’s what I’m here to do. I help ponies when nobody else can.” I shrug. “Although I can be a bit violent myself, I admit.”

Ditzy looks up at me, one eye wandering past as if tracking a fly buzzing past my face. “Nah, you’re not evil. You’re a good guy! Oh, and I have some mail for you.” She turned her head towards Dinky, who disappeared into the saddlebag. I heard papers moving, and then saw her pop her head out, a bunch of letters bound together with string floating in a pale, flickering gold aura. I saw that Dinky’s face, under her goggles, was scrunched up again, this time in concentration.

Taking pity on the kid, who was apparently a unicorn, not a pegasus like her mother, I take the letters. They’re surprisingly heavy, so I pat the unicorn filly on the head, earning a huge, proud smile from her. Her mother looks proud, too.

“Alright, let’s see what I get.” I begin untying the heavy bulk and fan out some of the letters. “I’m willing to bet it’s fan mail. Heh, Rainbow’s gonna bug out when she sees this.” I grin, thinking about our little ego-war.

The first letter was from a child, as evidenced by the crayon being used to write it. It was a thank you note, and said that he - the colt was named ‘Button Mash’, apparently - wished he would be as cool as me some day. Another was from Diamond Tiara, the annoying, mean filly from the school. Her letter said that she willing to tolerate my presence, which I think is a step up. One from a pony named ‘Filthy Rich’, who said he was Diamond’s dad, said that I had apparently saved not only his store, but his daughter. The first earned me a lifetime membership to the gold club, and the second earned me a thousand bits personally from him. There was a metal card proclaiming me a Gold Member for life included, with fancy gold filigree on the edges. Heh, Gold Member.

The next card after that was from a mare, who started it with a lipstick mark, and basically asked me to marry her. Nope. The next was the same thing, but in fancier writing. Nope again. The one after that was another child’s letter, saying that if I ever came by her house, she’d give me her favorite fluffy bunny Stuffy, because I was her hero. D’aaw. Another letter asking for marriage, this time in much more... explicit terms. Ugh, nope. One from a mare that was just being thankful, and offering to give me a ten-percent discount from her flower shop for life. Another was from the family I’d saved by swatting the demon away from them. They had enclosed an eight-hundred-bit bank note, and mentioned that they owned the local bank system, which ran as far as Canterlot and Manehattan, amongst other places.

Geez, and that was just the ones I opened at first, it was less than a third of the total pile. I looked up at Ditzy and Dinky, who were still standing there, waiting for something. I reach into my pocket and retrieve the pouch of bits. I hold out the six I have left. “I’m not sure if this is enough, it’s all I’ve got.”

“Hmm? Oh, all of these were already paid for, not BOD. Bits on Delivery is for packages only. I’m just waiting in case you want to reply to any of them.” Ditzy’s smile doesn’t fade, and Dinky nods affirmatively.

“Well, I’ll have to keep reading them and decide which ones to reply to, if any. I’ll just write response letters and you can pick them up later. I don’t want to keep you two.”

“Oh, alright. And you’ll need to take them to the Postal Center, we can’t do mail pickups, I’m afraid. There’s only me, Dinky, and Rush Job. Poor colt can’t seem to hold a job, I’m hoping this works better than carpentry for him.”

“Well, thanks anyway. I’ll bring my responses by, and you can take it from there. Have a good day, and good luck.”

Ditzy nods, then takes flight, Dinky giving one last adorably serious salute on the way, before diving back into the saddlebag. Heh, I like those two. Anyways, back to reading the letters...

Eighteen more marriage proposals, six love letters, two lust letters, and one instance of a particularly proactive Canterlot Noble offering his daughter in marriage to, and I quote, “Guide your rising star with the might of the Rutabaga House, binding our future fortunes together.” Those all got thrown away, except for the last. I think I’ll have it framed and laugh at it sometimes. What I find even more funny is the signatures from both the noble and his wife, and a note from the wife saying ‘I apologize for not being able to offer a more lovely future wife than my daughter, else I would.’ Bad parents, and I hope I can maybe help the girl find somewhere else to live.

I never would have imagined how many of these ponies wanted to be so romantic with me. Or merely jump my bones. Geez, it’s creepy.

However, some of the others were truly heartwarming. I have nearly two dozen letter from foals, some with their parent’s help, each one thanking me politely for saving them and their families. Some of them even offered me prized possessions, like stuffed animals, favored blankets, their coolest toys, etc. One letter from the orphanage - as in all the kids signed it, but the orphanage owner wrote it - said that me distracting the monster allowed the orphanage time to evacuate, as it would’ve been right along his path. I didn’t even know Ponyville had an orphanage, seeing as how few accidents and how much love for the children there is.

I even received, courtesy of the spa twins - there’s apparently also a high-end spa in Ponyville - a certificate for 50% off on whatever I wanted from them, because their parents are apparently in the retirement home. Cheerilee had written me a letter inviting me to come back anytime to be a guest of honor for any kind of presentation I’d like.

The list of total letters, many of them very personally kind, went on. One that caught my eye was an apology from a mare, named Berry Punch. It turns out she’s the mother of Noi, that little orange pony I’d worn as a hat back at my first introduction to the town. She was apologizing for being scared, of all things. If a random alien had decided to wear my child as a hat, I’d probably have freaked out as well, so I can understand. Anyways, her letter was an invitation to come to the bar she and her husband, Stoic Face, ran. It even included a little map of how to find the place.

Heh, sure. I make a point to visit them at some point. Though I wonder... what is the legal drinking age in Equestria? I’m not twenty-one yet... Eh, I suppose I could ask. “Hey Twilight, what’s the legal drinking age here?”

Twilight looks up from the book she was reading, titled, “BOOM! Population Growth Statistics”, and blinked a couple of times. “Huh? Oh, it’s sixteen if you’re an earth pony, nineteen otherwise.Why do you ask?”

“So... I’m not an Earth pony, so I guess that means it’s nineteen for me. Sweet, I’m legal!” I pump my fist.

“I, uh, I suppose. Gryphons usually start drinking at age fourteen, and dragons are immune to the intoxicating effects of alcohol, so they can drink whenever. It’s a good medium for their baby formula, especially the harder alcohols. It’ll dissolve pearls, which are the best for young dragons.”

“Dude... that is probably the most hardcore baby formula I’ve ever heard of! Vodka and gemstones? Damn.” I give Spike a look. “Lucky bastard.”

“I’m not allowed near sulphurous liquids until I’m at least four decades old, don’t envy me.” Spike replies, sounding a bit miffed.

“If you say so. Anyway, I got an invite to a bar, so I’m gonna see what you ponies have in the way of hard drinks... I wonder what would happen if I got drunk...”

Twilight looks thoughtful for a moment. “Well, if you get the chance, be sure to invite Rarity, she likes going bar hopping. It’d be a good chance to really get to know her.”

“As long as she doesn’t end up sounding like some of these letters, I’d say that’s great idea.” I pass one of the more lustful letters to Twilight. “I had no idea you ponies were so forward.”

Twilight curiously looks at the letter, her eyes flickering back and forth as she reads. Her cheeks go aflame as she reads the part explicitly stating where the writer wanted to have my face during the whole thing. It was written, by the way, by a stallion.

“How could somepony write something like that‽” She looks visibly revulsed. “Gross, gross, gross! Ugh, this this is why I never want to get married!”

Quoting a pony from before, I say, “Who said anything about marriage?”

Twilight’s facial expression was an absolutely priceless shade of purplish-red, and neither Spike nor myself could stop laughing.

Chapter 20

Still chuckling as I went to find the aforementioned postal office, then the bar, I wave hello to a few of the ponies who are resisting the apparently almighty urge to bow to their savior. I drop off my letter with the skinny colt at the post office, and he flicks his eyes across the addresses before casually flicking them across the room. I’m rather impressed when they each land in a separate cubby, each landing perfectly stacked with the others in those cubbies.

From there, I head towards the bar.

After finding The Frosty Mug, with only minor surface scorching from the fire, I step in, getting a warm reception. There’s a stallion behind the bar, face perfectly stoic. As I step in, he nods to me, no change in his facial expression. A couple of the bar patrons also wave before going back to their drinks. There’s only about eight in the decently-sized bar, all stallions, mostly earth ponies.

In one corner, at a much shorter table than the rest, with much brighter decor than the plain, walnut panelling on the rest of the bar, sits two fillies, each playing with stuffed animals, with a little pile of juice boxes next to them. One is Noi, the other is a filly I don’t recognize.

I decide to walk up as quietly as possible, and tickle Noi from behind. This should be good. I probably have an evil grin on my face as I approach the little orange filly.

The maroon filly sitting across from her looks up and sees me, then grins when she realizes my intent. Acting quick, the delightful little traitor distracts Noi with gesture, and I pounce. As I tickle the filly she laughs and giggles, and I even hear chuckles from the other bar patrons.

I continue tickling. “Rawr, the tickle monster has found you!” Man, fingers are awesome.

Eventually, she gives up, and the other filly looks happily smug. Deciding that it would be wholly unfair if Noi had all the fun, I tickle the other filly too, getting encouragement from Noi in the process.

Shrieks of laughter and flailing filly limbs are no match for my finger’s might and dexterity, and she collapses into a giggling lump as well. I watch as Noi pulls the maroon unicorn filly into a tight embrace, nuzzling her cheek.

“Ha, he got you too, sis.” Noi chuckles as she holds the pony that is apparently her sister.

“Nobody is spared from the tickle monster!” My evil laugh eventually becomes a naughty chuckle as I slow down, giving them a break. I turn to the other filly, thank her for finding my hat, and put Noi back on my head.

The orange filly giggles as I stand up, her little hooves on my shoulders, forelimbs wrapped around my forehead. I figure that since I’ve already met the rest of the little family, I should look for Berry Punch. She did invite me after all. I search around for a mare that the name might match with. Unfortunately, as I noticed before, there’s just a bunch of stallions. “Hey Noi, where’s your mom?”

The filly speaks up from atop my head, “This way!” and points with a hoof towards a door labeled ‘stock room’. I feel a tug on my pant leg.

I look down to address the other filly. “Do you want a ride, too?” I ask with a grin.

“Yeah! I can ride on one side, and Noi can ride on the other.” I can feel Noi nodding her agreement from the top of my head. Agreeing with the plan, I pick up the other filly, and place her on my shoulder while Noi shifts to the other shoulder. “And what’s your name?”

“I’m Ruby Pinch! But everypony calls me ‘Pinchy’.”

“Well, then let’s go find your mom, Pinchy.” I head over to the stock room and knock on the door.

From the other side, and down a ways, I hear a mare call out. “No customers in the stock room!” I think for a moment. I was planning on buying a drink, so, I suppose I counted as a customer... “Oh well, guess we just wait for her to be finished up down there.”

I can feel both fillies as they sigh unhappily. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the bartender, Stoic Face, walk over and gently just push the door open. He looks into the room, which goes down a short flight of wooden steps, and calls out, in a gruff voice. “Berry, Anthony’s here.”

“Well, send him down already! Don’t keep him waiting!”

Stoic just nods his head towards the open door, and I head back down the steps to meet the mother of my passengers.

Stepping into the stock room reminds me more of a low cellar. Due to pony physiology, they can build rooms with lower ceilings than humans can, but they tend to build them higher so that it feels more airy. This, however, was a four-and-a-half-foot room, even, so I had to disembark my passengers and crouch a bit. I continue until I see the mare. I’m really wishing my size-changing included shrinking. “Cozy place you got down here.”

The mare, a purple-red color with fruit on her flank, was busy stirring a vat that was set into the floor, numerous pipes extending along its side. It would seem I was fated to meet Fruit Salad again, only now I know her name is Berry Punch. Makes a bit more sense, seeing as how she’s in the midst of brewing up either some normal fruit punch or the base for something harder, the sweet scent of fruit pervading the entire cellar heavily.

“Hey, I’m almost ready to get this batch simmering. It’s going to be a couple bottles of watermelon-kiwi wine. Should at least be interesting to drink, and might win me the prize at the Winepress Competition in Arborvale in about five years. That prissy Pinot Noir isn’t gonna top me again. Anyways, just gimme a sec to get the batch moving. It’ll need to drain into the next tank to get started on the last step, and I can bottle it tomorrow- oh, sorry, I ramble when I work.” Berry shot me an apologetic glance, sparing another for the two fillies looking down into the vat from little step-stools on the side.

“Hey, no problem. I’m actually rather interested in how you guys make alcoholic drinks, honestly. Seems like it’s a similar method to the human way, but I’m sure you’ve got some differences.” I say, shrugging.

Berry nods. “Well, I’ll have to see if you like my Calamityberry or Magoberry drinks, we’ll see from there. Unless you prefer really hard stuff. If so, I’ll let you try out a Kelpsyberry Extract. Stuff beats out that gryphon potato-swill any day.”

The mare grabbed a lever bar almost a long as she was, and grunted, moving it into place. I could see the muscles in her legs rippling through her coat and along her back. she wiped some sweat from her forehead as some of the bright copper tubes began to clang and gurgle gently.

“Need a some help with that? Not sure how much leverage I can get on it, but I could try if you like.” I offer

“Nah, I got it. It’s only two-hundred and fifty pounds resistance, tops.” She replies so casually it’s shocking

“Dang, you horses are strong. And here I thought I was the toughest guy around!”

“Hey! Watch the H-word! There are fillies in there!” Berry gives me the most terrifying look of all: Angry Mom.

“Oh... I didn’t know that was a curse in your culture. To us humans, a, er, H-word is a term for a larger pony.”

“Well, that’s messed up. It’s an old Gryphon curse word, basically calling us stupid. I hear that many of the draft ponies from those lands use it as a privilege word, but I don’t like it, and neither do most ponies.”

“Ah, well, I guess I’ve been insulting you guys a lot more than I thought. I honestly don’t mean any harm, it’s just... another word for ‘pony’ to me, honestly.” I decide not to mention that pony is more of a second word for horse, as that could be a disaster. I’ll have to ask Twilight about more of this society. “So, I guess I should find out what you guys consider ‘hard’ drinks. I’ve had alcohol, but I’ve mostly stayed with our light stuff.”

Berry began leading me and the fillies back up to the main room, and we all got seats at the bar itself, Berry’s being on the opposite side from me. Looking me in the eyes, she asks, “Well, do you prefer it sweet, sour, bitter, strong, or do you want something with a bite to it?”

I give it some thought. Something sweet might be nice, but it could cover up how strong it is, which isn’t what I want, but I don’t want it to taste bad... “Let’s see what you ponies mean when you say strong.”

“How strong you thinkin’? I thought you wanted to sample first?”

“Hmmmm, good point. Alright, fine. Sour.” I’ve been able to handle some pretty sour stuff in the past. This shouldn’t be too hard to take.

“Alright, one Ghost-Buster, coming up.” she says, her husband pulling down a bottle labeled with a strange, purple fruit from the shelf. The stallion, using nothing but his hooves and wings, swept up a shotglass and the bottle, popping the top and filling the glass in one smooth motion. I hadn’t even noticed the wings on the brick-colored pony, but the guy sure knew his bartending, as the glass slid perfectly into my grip.

Heh, Ghost-Buster? Nice name, but how sour could this be? I raise the shotglass to my lips and drink it down in one gulp. It was surprisingly strong. I definitely could tell how sour it was. To be more exact, I feel like I just swallowed a stick of dynamite, mid-boom. “Woah! Uh, dang... that’s impressive stuff...” I exhale sharply, trying to calm down the nerve endings in my tongue.

“Heh, maybe you’d like something sweeter? I’ve got a Sweet Apple Sangria chilling in the fridge, or I can bust out a Mago Mash, your choice.” Berry shrugs. “Both are rather sweet.”

Since I don’t know what a ‘Mago’ is, I decide to give that a try. This place doesn’t seem to water down it’s stuff, that’s for sure. Another smooth motion from Stoic and a light pink drink in a shotglass slides perfectly in front of me, right next to my hand. That bartender is good.

Being a bit more cautious this time, I decide to just take a sip from the glass, just to give it a taste. Well, that’s definitely a new flavor to me. Some sort of tropical fruit mix. Mango and... something else. It’s not bad, but I don’t really taste any alcohol. It’s there, but still fairly subtle. I like it, so I finish it. “Okay, yeah. You ponies have some tough stuff, but this is really good.”

“Well, wanna try my signature drink?” Berry asks.

“Hmmm... alright, but I think I’ll take it slow.” I grin sheepishly, the ghost-buster having given me an idea of just how tough their stuff could get. “Let’s sample whatever your house special is.”

She begins pulling out multiple bottles, mixing and matching them one by one, sometimes re-adding one after another’s been added. She then carefully plucks a single neon-blue berry from a dish in a small freezer behind the bar, dropping it into the rather normal-sized glass. The whole thing is like an impressionist painting done by a color-blind clown. A series of bright, clashing colors swirl gently throughout the glass, refusing to mix in the slightest. Dead in the middle, the blue berry is hanging suspended exactly halfway down the glass. After a moment, I realize the drink is glowing enough to light up the nearby bartop. About the time I notice this, I see a band of silvery, mercury-like liquid float past, swirling like it’s the start of a sideways hurricane.

“I give you, the Berry’s Punch. Careful, it’ll knock you flat if you don’t take it slow.” With a serious nod of understanding, I bring the drink to my lips and take a very cautious sip. It’s definitely impressive, but I taste practically no alcohol in it. But it’s definitely very refreshing. It’s very cold, and pretty good. But even if I can’t taste alcohol doesn’t mean it’s not there, so I take another drink, but I keep it slow. What? This isn’t... I look back at the drink. It hasn’t changed, nobody swapped it for another... but it tastes completely different! Still good, still cool and enticing, but a completely different flavor! This one is spicy, but not enough to burn.

“That’s amazing. Two flavors in one drink? Nice job!”

“Only two? You wound me, taste it again.” Berry urges, grinning.

I take another drink. Waffles!? Holy crap, this is freaking magic! I take another drink. I don’t know what it is, but it’s fruity. Not quite like the Mago drink, but still just as interesting.

“Woah, slow down there, guardsman! That’s ninety-four proof!” Berry warns me, chuckling slightly.

My eyes go wide! “Holy... this is incredible. Magic alcohol. Heh, nice job. But uh... I think I’ll take the rest home. Not sure if I want to finish it all here. I don’t know my limit yet.”

“Well, finish it in the next two hours, or the Frostberry in there will evaporate, and the drink’ll go bad, real quick. If you can’t see any blues in there, it’s a dead drink. Do come back, though. You saved my family. The least I can do is treat you to a good drink every once in a while. But you have to pay for the next of those, it’s normally an eighty-bit drink, and you got a double-sized glass.”

“I’d believe it, that stuff’s fantastic! I don’t know how you did it but... Dang, why aren’t you guys famous?” I ask, shocked I hadn’t heard there being magic drinks until just today.

“Oh, I’m famous alright, but I like living here in Ponyville, anonymous. Whenever I go out for sales or appearances elsewhere, I have to go with my cutie-mark disguised so I can have some peace at home. Fame is great, but peace and quiet is priceless. Especially with two kids. I’m still working on my winemaking skills, though.”

“I’d believe it. Anyway, thanks for this. I’m definitely gonna come back.” I look back at the drink. Goddamn my curiosity. I take another small sip. Heh, tastes like cotton candy. I put the drink back on the counter, and wave goodbye to the fillies. Maybe being the town idol won’t be so bad... as long as I avoid the kinkier residents. Stoic hands me a closable bottle filled with my drink as I get ready to leave. Awesome. I try to ignore my curiosity though, I don’t wanna end up wasted. But...

I take another sip, minorly disappointed that it tastes like cotton candy again. It makes me think of Pinkie again, and... goddamnit Cadence!

I realize I was going to let Rarity join me, but had forgotten. Well, I suppose I can make up for it with this stuff. What was it again? Oh yeah, Berry’s Punch. I head off to Carousel Boutique, getting a few friendly waves from various ponies along the way. It’s incredible. A month ago, I couldn’t go anywhere without getting a slightly-scared double take. Now I’m a hero!

I wonder if I’d get some respect in Canterlot if I saved those stuck up, ritzy bores, too... Heh, nah. I’m probably not going to get that lucky. Since the drink I’m carrying has an expiration timer and I don’t really need to walk, I decide to speed up. Nothing major, just twice my normal speed. It’ll be a bit tiring, but with the distance I’ve covered already, the worst I’ll get is needing a few deep breaths.

I could cut the distance even shorter by phasing through houses, but I don’t want to cause a ruckus unless it’s an emergency, so I just continue along the path through town. I get up to Rarity’s house-slash-place of business and walk in. Rarity turns to greet me and stops when she sees who it is. “Ah, Anthony, how can I help you today?”

“Actually, I have something to share with you.” I say, indicating the bottle.

“Oh? How kind of you! I was working on some dresses for an order, but my muse seems to have wandered off. I think I have an hour or two for your company.” She explained, motioning towards a couch for me to sit on. When I did, she joined me, sitting on a large nearby cushion. “So, darling, what is- oh!”

I place the bottle on the table. “This was a gift for my ‘Heroic actions’ earlier. I intended to bring you with me on Twilight’s advice, but it completely slipped my mind.”

“My, my, Ms. Punch parted with one of her precious Berry’s Punches? You certainly did make an impression on her! Oh, I do wish you had brought me along, it’s been so long since I’ve had one of her Mago Slushes, they’re simply divine.” Rarity gushed over the drink, gently levitating it into the air before her. “Ooh, I simply must get out the good shotglasses. Give me one moment, darling.”

“Of course. I expect we still have about an hour and forty minutes before it goes bad. I made quite the effort to get here quickly. Didn’t want this to spoil.”

Rarity nodded in agreement, transporting the travel-bottle with her as she went towards what I assume is her kitchen. I sit on the couch, twiddling my thumbs for about a minute before I began to wonder what was up. Then, Rarity returned to the room. She hadn’t simply grabbed the shotglasses, she’d also taken the time to apply some extra makeup and put on a long, dark blue dress. It was a simple one, but I had to wonder why she felt it was necessary.

“I hope you don’t expect the same as some of my fans, Miss Rarity...” I grin. Then I realize she wouldn’t understand my meaning. “I got plenty of letters asking for marriage, among other things. These ponies certainly like me a lot now.” I look at her expectantly.

For a moment, she doesn’t appear to get it, before a crimson blush begins to work its way onto her cheeks. “Those barbarians! Throwing themselves at you like you’re a piece of meat.” She shakes her head unhappily. “So uncouth.”

“Haha. I don’t mind, honestly. After all, it’s not going to happen, so I don’t let it bother me any. But seriously, why all dressed up? You plan on inviting some others as well?”

“Darling, I may be the element of Generosity, but even I can be a little selfish sometimes.” She bats her eyelashes innocently. “And while I may want to simply snatch these two fine tumblers of sweet panacea and hide in my workshop until I am well and truly soaked... I am still a lady, and must comport myself as such. Here, take your glass, and we shall enjoy each other’s company. This is a drink to be savored, not merely gulped.” She paused for a moment, looking over my clothes. “Also, I’ll be needing you to remove your clothes later anyways. I have two sets of replacement clothes, since I saw you wear them all the time. I do hope you like them, darling.”

“I’m sure I will, but for now, let us enjoy this drink, and hope that it is the only thing we end up enjoying.” I give a wink. I know she understands I have no interest in her, so I feel comfortable at least making the suggestion in a joking manner.

“That’s alright dear, I’m fine simply basking in this lovely drink’s glow. Besides, I can’t go throwing myself at you; I already have my sights set on another wonderful young gentlecolt, you know.” She smiled encouragingly, as she raised the first glass as if for a toast.

I raise mine as well before taking a sip, grinning. “And who might that be?”

She takes a sip as well, mmm’ing at the flavor. “Now, now, a lady doesn’t simply tell her secrets. She barters them. I’ll spill something if you can spill something of equal value as well.” Her smile is warm, yet smug.

“Hmmmm... let’s see. I have plenty of stories from before I came to Equestria. Unfortunately, I don’t think those would count, as they no longer apply.” I took another sip. Mmm, raspberries, reminds me of home.

“I should think not, dear. I’ve heard over the grapevine that you’ve met with Princess Cadence. I don’t know much about her. How about you... fill some holes for me?” Her quirked eyebrow shows she knew exactly what she said, and fully expects me to get flustered over it. Well, it won’t work! Even now, she’s taking another sip.

“Ah, Miss Rarity, your attempt to undermine my composure will not work today. Although I will oblige. What would you like to know about the Alicorn of Love?” I take another sip, tasting cottage cheese and honey. Still no weird combinations.

“Oh, darling, I’m not trying to undermine anything. Though if I do, please be sure to tell me, I’d love to know.” She paused for a moment and took another sip. “I suppose anything about what she’s like would be nice. I was tricked by a changeling impersonating her once, knowing more would be... well, I suppose that’s a bit of a foolish reason. The changelings were scattered to the winds at the end of the wedding; I doubt many survived. I suppose it’s just curiosity. What do you know of the third Princess?”

“Well, now that changelings have been brought up, I have much more information to offer, later.” I take another sip, and enjoy the sweet flavor of marshmallow. “For one, Cadence finds the life of a princess a bit boring, and sneaks away from her escorts on a regular basis. I met her when she approached me at a cafe. She was wearing an outfit that completely covered every inch of her, save for her horn!” I chuckle at the bit of gossip. Now I know why those girls in High School did it constantly, it’s fun. I take another sip, and this time it’s raw mushrooms. Earthy, but tasty.

Rarity giggles demurely, taking a sip and grimacing slightly. Must’ve hit a flavor she didn’t like. “She sneaks away from her guards? Well, that’s certainly scandalous. Not quite enough for the secret of mine... maybe something else of value?”

I think for a moment, taking another sip. Blueberry. A bit normal, but not bad. “Well, for a princess, she’s probably one of the least formal ponies I’ve met.” I take one more sip before continuing. Kind of buttery, but I don’t really know what it is. “She’s almost as vulgar as I am, no lie. She certainly has a habit of making some rather dirty comments.”

The white mare gives a naughty titter, saying, “Oooh, now that’s what I’m talking about. Very juicy, indeed, I think I knead a few of those into more... palatable rumors for later.” Rarity took a sip, her smile even reaching her eyes. “Well, I suppose I should share. You see, I have a wee little bit of a crush on-” Rarity was suddenly interrupted by a loud crash from the next room over startling us both. From that room, which I assumed was the kitchen, issued forth Sweetie’s voice. “I didn’t do it! I swear, it was already falling when I came in!” Her little voice cracked in alarm, but it was a pretty transparent lie.

Rarity, looking utterly peeved, storms towards the kitchen, her drink only half-finished. I begin to edge out of the building as I hear Rarity begin to stage-whisper angrily to Sweetie Belle. I feel a little bad, but Sweetie’s little voice is certainly rivalling Rarity’s, at least in levels of shrillness. As the two kept arguing, I excused myself. I’ve been around too many arguing pairs of children/adults to really want to be around this pair. They might not be inclined to get violent, but their voices were starting to hurt my ears.

A few minutes of standing outside later, an angry Sweetie Belle flops out of the cat flap on the front door, right next to me. She stomps a couple of times, before looking up at me. Almost instantly, she appears to brighten up. “Anthony! I was just looking for you!”

“Yeah, sure you were. Now be honest, what fell and broke?”

“I didn’t break open the cookie jar, honest!” Sweetie’s eyes were huge and staring, as if to deter my gaze from her question.

“I asked what broke, not who broke it.” I give Sweetie a grin. “Seriously, if you want to be a good liar, you’ll need more practice.”

I kneel down so I’m at eye level with Sweetie. “First lesson, avoid suspiciously specific denial. Pay attention to what is asked and respond calmly. Second, keep eye contact with the person you are lying to. If your gaze shifts or you appear nervous, they’ll know you’re lying. Third, the ‘cute face’ might work now, but in about five years, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not telling the truth.”

Sweetie pouted at the ground, scuffing a little circle in the dirt, her ears flat back, making her the perfect picture of sad and remorseful. Too perfect an image, in fact, especially when I saw her eyes flick back to me. She almost had me, though, for a moment.

“Lesson four: If you put on an act that involves breaking eye contact, do not, I repeat, do not look back at them, that’s a sign that you want to know their reaction. Another sign of dishonesty. But you are good at this, kid.”

I pick her up in my left arm, cradling her like a bunny. “And whatever you do, don’t tell people how good or bad you are at lying. Admitting you lie is fine, though, everyone lies. Another thing, don’t tell anybody who told you how to be a better liar? Can I trust you to not tell anyone?”

Sweetie nodded happily, and nuzzled my neck. Her short, fluffy fur is almost exactly like rabbit fur; gloriously soft and short.

“So.” I began again. “You said you were looking for me, what did you want with me?”

“I have a surprise for you!” She jumps to the ground, and runs off. “Come on!”

“Oh crap...” I take a few steps and feel slightly dizzy. Woah, guess I had more of that Punch than I thought... But I suppose I should follow after the filly. Even though doing so would probably end bad for me.

So it seems that we are heading to the CMC clubhouse. Along the way, we pick up Scootaloo and Applebloom. They all know what this secret they have for me is, but won’t say.

“Why do I get the feeling I might regret this?” I ask

“Because you’re a scaredy-cat.” comes Scootaloo’s response to my rhetorical question.

I chuckle, almost stumbling over a rock. “No I’m not, I just don’t trust you any farther than I can throw you!”

“Hmmmm... Ah’ve got a great idea fer somethin’ we can try fer our Cutie Marks tomorrow!” I facepalm.

“I’m not going any further until you tell me what this surprise is.” I sit down on the ground, arms crossed in defiance. Then the fillies give me a different surprise. The three of them have grabbed my leg and are now dragging me to the clubhouse!

In my slightly inebriated state, I can only think of one thing to say. “Help! I need an adult!”

Scootaloo replies, her wings fluttering like mad as she drags me. “You are an adult.”

“I need a responsible adult!”

“Sorry, fresh out of those.”

My fuzzy mind couldn’t fault the logic, and gave up trying.

Chapter 21

I am being dragged through the trees by the three vilest demons Hell could possibly spawn. And they’re giggling. This is the advent of my demise. I can’t believe these three could be so strong! Eventually we get to the clubhouse, and they let go to rush inside. When they return in a few seconds, they are holding an amateurishly wrapped gift. Still on the ground, I stare at the gift in my hands. I look up at the three fillies, and what I see chills me to the bone. They’re smiling.

This is it. This is where I die. I wince as I untie the present’s bow. Nothing yet. Whatever it is, I have to open the box... I sigh, resigning to my fate, and peel off the shoddily applied tape and reach inside. It feels... somewhat soft. It’s... clothes?

I pull the object out and hold it up. It’s a big, human shirt in roughly my size. it’s a sort of maroon red with the CMC emblem on the front.

“Rarity helped us make it just for you!”

“We were gonna make it a cape like ours but there wasn’t ‘nuff gold silk, so we made a shirt!”

“But now you have something to wear when we’re all Crusading!”

I look at the fillies, smiling, waiting for my approval of their gift. Oh screw it. “This is fantastic!” I reach down to grab them in a hug, but Scootaloo backs up a bit. “Uh, I’ll pass.”

Eh, whatever. I grab the other two though, and hold them in my arms. I can feel them try to hug me back, their hooves just barely too short to get around my shoulders. Scootaloo just stands there, looking away, acting indifferent.

After a bit, I put Applebloom and Sweetie Belle back down, and thank them for the gift. The two of them head back to the clubhouse. When they’re back inside, I grab Scoots before she can move and I give her a hug as well.

“Hey stop! Put me down, I-”

“Nobody has to know.” I hug her a bit harder, and after a moment, Scootaloo gives up and snuggles into my embrace. After a few more seconds I set her back down on the ground and ruffle her mane. “Remember, I don’t think you are any less cool because of that.”

She blushes slightly. “Th- thanks. Uh, I gotta go.” Before she gets to the doorway she turns around and waves. “Bye Anthony!”

I wave back and leave for Ponyville, a happy smile on my face, and the new shirt under my right arm. If those three do end up being the end of me... I guess it wouldn’t be the worst way to go.

I make my way to Golden Oaks, and a few more ponies wave my way. I guess this is the life of a hero. I wish I could have some sort of disguise to wear so I could be a hero and still be treated like a normal person... except that I’m a person. Oh well, I don’t really mind being famous as a good guy I suppose, I certainly have plenty of admirers. On the other hand, there are the more overzealous ponies. I suppose I could make a speech to all of Ponyville about that, but I’d also have to stop the letters from Canterlot, Manehattan and all the other places in Equestria.

I sigh. I could probably at least stop the love letters from the local ponies for now and work on other towns and cities later on. I walk into the library and I see Twilight poring over the book I got her. She looks very happy.

“I’d suggest you write down what you learn in there in case you forget.” I saw as I pass by her

Twilight looks up from her book. “Anthony! Oh thank you so much for this! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!” She prances in place, similar to a happy Pinkie and it’s a bit odd from the straight-edged scholar

“Aww, it wasn’t any trouble, and I have been kind of a jerk to you. But don’t think I’m gonna quit, I like you too much to let you get bored.” I remind her as I sit down next to her.

She sighs lightly and rolls her eyes. “I suppose I’ll just have to ignore you then.”

I chuckle. “Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, I’m serious, write down anything you think is important, you’ll want notes.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Well, we don’t want anything to happen to that book, but I’m sure the information would be useful.”

“Well, yeah... but what could happen to the book?”

“Do you have a copy of Blueish’s Bestiary?” I ask, ignoring the question.

“I got it! Just a sec.” Spike says, and he starts climbing up the shelves.

Twilight groans. “Anthony, what are you talking about? Why do you need that? What could happen to my book?”

I shrug. “Well, you never know what might happen in Wunderland, it would help to be prepared.”

“Prepared... why? Prepared for what?”

I ruffle her mane. “Prepare for Wunderland, you silly pony. Cadence and I have made plans to go at some point, and you and Pinkie are invited.”

Twilight’s eyes go wide and twinkly, as her hooves come up to her face in a perfect look of happy surprise. “Really!?”

I give her a big smile. “Yep, once I get this cast off, we’re gonna take a month to prepare, then we’re gonna go visit Wunderland.”

Twilight proceeds to yell happily, jumping between her front and hind legs. “I’m going to Wunderland! This is perfect!” She leaped towards me and gave me a big hug. Then she realized that she had, and jumped back off of me. “Er, ahem, yes, well, thank you. I will be looking forward to this trip.”

Spike walks over, barely able to carry the huge tome in his arms. I pick it up and it’s really heavy. “Yep, so am I, and as such, we should study as much as we can to avoid any unfortunate events.”

“I agree completely!” Twilight said, letting out another happy giggle, and muttering a quiet “Yes!”

I like ‘happy’ Twilight a lot better than ‘angry’ or ‘annoying’ Twilight. Much more adorable. I set down the bestiary on the center table across from Twilight, and I see fan mail, reminding me of the other issue I had to deal with. “Actually Twilight, I’m going to attend to another task. I need to get at least Ponyville to stop sending me raunchy letters.” Twilight nods, a blush on her face remembering the letter I had her read earlier.

I head off to Town Hall to tell the mayor about my intention, bringing a sample letter as an example. Luckily, getting everyone together shouldn’t be hard, as I plan on enlisting Pinkie Pie, and I’m sure news about the ‘Great hero’ having a public statement to make should spread quickly. But first, the mayor. “Good afternoon, ma’am.”

The tan-and-gray pony looks up at me, smiling. “Ah, hello Anthony, what a pleasure it is to see you again. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

“Yes, there is. I would like to make a public statement to the town.”

“I...” her brows furrow, but she nods in slow acquiescence, “see...”

“Don’t worry, I’m serious about the speech, it is not related at all to any bets I’ve made and lost.”

The mare visibly relaxes. “Very well, then. What is the purpose of this speech?”

“Well, my rise in popularity has led many ponies to send me gifts and write letters of admiration. Unfortunately I have also received plenty of letters that I would like to tell the ponies that I do not wish to receive any more of them.” As usual, I seem to slip into ‘legal speech’ when in a building of high office. I really don’t know why, I just do.

“I see, and what sort of letters are these?”

Rather than explain, I just hand her the letter I brought as an example, and she looks it over. “Oh my... I... I can see why you might wish to stop these sorts of letters. I will grant your request.” she gives a growl under her breath, and shakes her head. “Honestly, some ponies... I know our little town isn’t very cultured but I assure you, not all of us are like this!”

“I know. That was from Canterlot.” The mayor’s eyes go wide and she’s speechless. “I’m going to be addressing other areas of Equestria as well, at a later date. Now, I will get help with rounding up everyone in town.”

“R- right.”

I make my way to Sugarcube Corner.

About half an hour later, everyone is gathered at town hall. None of them were told what for, just that I had an announcement to make. I walk up onstage, and all the ponies cheer, clapping in their pony way by stomping the ground. It feels... nice. I hold up my hands and in a few moments, they’ve all quieted down. I realize the podium is much too short for me, so I decide to just hold the microphone to my mouth

"Hello everyone." I wait calmly for the various cheers to die down before continuing. "I appreciate all the praise you give me for my heroic actions, but there is an issue I must address." I clear my throat. "Many of you have sent me letters of admiration and even gifts, and I thank you all for your generosity. However, some of you have sent me letters of a more intimate nature. Whether it be a marriage proposal, or requesting that I 'bed' the sender..."

Some ponies chuckle, others blush, a few shift their gaze nervously. "I would like to inform you all that I have absolutely no interest in being intimate in any way with ponies. And before you ask, yes, that covers the princesses as well." I pause, letting all I've said sink in.

"Understand I have no problems with making new friends, but I will not accept any suitors or offers of sexual interaction. I don't do ponies." The crowd makes various short statements of understanding and agreement. I continue.

“Now, I know that not all of these questionable letters have come from Ponyville, so I will be visiting other towns and cities, spreading this message.”

Someone raises their hoof and asks a question. “But what happens if another monster comes by while you’re gone? Who will save us?”

I facepalm. “Need I remind you that you live with the holders of the Elements of Harmony?”

Rainbow Dash flies up from the crowd and lands next to me, facing the crowd. “Yeah! We’ve fought our share of monsters, we can handle Ponyville, no sweat!”

I return my attention to the crowd. “See? You have plenty of heroes living right here, you can rest assured that you will always be protected by these brave ponies... And Rainbow Dash.”

“Hey!”

My speech done, and Ponyville now aware of my sexual disinterest, I decide to check on Fluttershy, and simply leave the stage. I haven’t talked to her since I was committed, so I might as well see how she’s doing.

I make my way towards her cottage, it’s a bit far though, so I decide to speed up a bit. I make decent time, getting to her front door in about five minutes. I knock on the door, and wait for the usual slow, cautious hello.

Instead, a thin slot opens in the door, and a pair of fearful, cyan eyes look out, sweeping back and forth until they settle on me. Almost like magic, the fear disappears, and Fluttershy opens the door. “Anthony! You’re up and about! Ooh, are you in pain? Do you need help? Come in, you can lay down on the couch.” Fluttershy seems worried about something, in my estimation.

“If it’s about my cast, I’m perfectly fine, ‘Shy. As long as I don’t bang my arm, there’s no problem.” That said, it’s been two weeks, and it’s not ‘half healed’. The estimate seems to have been rather off.

She sucks in a breath of relief. “Oh, thank goodness... oh, but please, come in. I was about to start dinner. Did you need something?”

“Nah, I just came by to say hi, see how you’re do-”

“I’m fine!” Shy’s response was rather too quick, especially for the shy pegasus, and her grin was a little too forced. Instead of the small, pleasant smile I was used to, I’m instead getting the full cheshire treatment again. What is it with ponies and giving disturbingly large smiles to me?

“Jeez, and I thought Sweetie Belle was a bad liar.” I muttered, before continuing, louder. “Alright, what are you hiding?” I walk inside.

Fluttershy looks rather worse for wear once I’m inside. There’s faint patches under her eyes, as if she hasn’t been sleeping so well, and her movements are a little more jittery than normal, which also feeds back to the not-sleeping prognosis. Several animals are standing protectively near her, but aren’t doing more than giving me dirty looks for disturbing their mistress.

“So what’s wrong? You don’t look so good. You have a cold?” I decide to play dumb, see if she’ll admit her troubles.

“I- uhm... n-no...” Suddenly, her eyes are full of tears, and she’s stuck like a limpet to my chest, bawling her eyes out. “W-why would somepony be so me-hee-hee-ean?” Her tearful question was broken by her sudden and strong crying.

“Who, Fluttershy? Who’s being mean? What did they do?”

“Th-that monster you had t- to- t- k- k- to kill.” She sniffled, a loud messy affair with all the snot dribbling from her nostrils. I didn’t even want to think about what Rarity was going to do to me when she saw the crusty remains of this. “He j- just hurt ponies, and now Rumble’s dad isn’t going to walk ever again...”

“Well... he was... a demon. They don’t exist in my world except in fiction, but they are evil. They hurt and kill people for the sole sake of causing pain and misery. Some stories say doing so makes them stronger and meaner.” I curled my arms around her protectively, trying to help her feel better by patting her on the back. “That thing... he was human once. And, I suppose that he still was in a way. Just one that was sick in the head.”

She looked up at me, eyes still watery and nose still snotty. “H- humans get like that when you’re sick?” I noted the pronoun change, and paired with the increase in pressure from her grip.

“No, not naturally. There was something that made him change. When I said he was sick, I meant he was disturbed... er, well.” I sigh. “He was insane. His brain was messed up. Humans are... violent by nature. We fight and hurt others, but most of us have moral standings that tell us hurting others is wrong.” I look down at the ground. “But that person had a different moral standing... he enjoyed killing and hurting. I don’t know how he became a monster like that, but there are people like that in my world, but they’re still normal humans on the outside. We call them psychopaths.”

Fluttershy was still crying, but calmed down. “So... you won’t end up like that?”

“No, I won’t, but I guess that’s an example of what evil humans can become if given the chance. We aren’t all nice, but most of us try to be.”

Fluttershy looked a bit sad, still having tears in her eyes, but she wasn’t crying anymore. “W- would you like to stay for dinner?” The way she says it tells me she’s really asking not to be left alone.

“I’d like that a lot.” I give her a gentle squeeze and set her down and she leads me to the table. In a few minutes, we’re sitting down with plates of fish salad and talking about animals. “I have to say, as much as I like mammals, I’ve always found reptiles and amphibians fascinating.”

“Oh?” she asks, composure returned for the most part by the duties of being host.

“Yeah, I even spent a few months at a nonprofit center that took care of hurt or homeless frogs toads, turtles and tortoises.”

“Oh I just love turtles!” she says, smiling at me from over the counter. “Aren’t they adorable?”

“Yeah, and they make the cutest faces, even if some people don’t think they have emotions.”

“Perhaps they just need to get to know the turtles, they show plenty of emotion.”

“I agree. But as for the most adaptable creatures, I’d have to say birds.” I say, as I take another bite.

“Really?” she asks, conversationally. “Why’s that?”

We continue our chat all throughout our meal and even a while after that. Before we know it, it’s nighttime. I offer to stay the night to keep her company, and she agrees completely. She didn’t want me to be walking around near the Everfree forest at night. I mentally question why she lives so close to the forest once more, but I assume she has her reasons so I don’t bother asking. At least not this time. Fluttershy sets up a place for me to sleep on the couch, but I decide to stay with her in her room until she falls asleep.

I don’t know any lullaby’s and I can’t sing anyway, so I just decide to use a bedtime story instead. I read Howard the Fluffy Bunny until she’s asleep. Once I finish the story, I take a look at the sleeping pegasus.

She’s all tucked in, her hooves partly above the covers, a small sweet smile on her face. Seeing her peacefully sleeping like that makes me feel... really nice. She’s safe, her worries are over, and she can rest easy. I give in to the moment and give her a gentle kiss her on the forehead before I get up to leave. I take one last look at her from the doorway. She's absolutely adorable...

I head downstairs and to the couch. It took a lot of effort to convince ‘Shy that I was perfectly fine with just the couch. I wasn’t even sure if we could both fit in her bed anyways. I pull up my blanket, and eventually I drift off to sleep.

I wake up when I feel something on my chest. I groggily open my eyes and suddenly I see a pair of very angry eyes staring at me.

“Woah!” I roll over and end up face-first on the floor, my nose hurts but I’m awake. I look up and I see the same pair of angry eyes, this time accompanied by a smug grin attached to the body of a small white rabbit, it’s tiny arms folded in superiority.

I got punked, by a fucking rabbit! I pick him up and plan on cooking myself some bunny breakfast, but then Fluttershy walks in. “Oh, there you are, Angel! Saying hello to Anthony?”

I sigh inwardly. I can’t do this to one of Fluttershy’s animal friends. I just put the rabbit back on the ground and he hops towards Fluttershy, and she picks him up, cradling him like a baby. “I was about to make some breakfast, would you like to join me, Anthony?”

“Breakfast sounds nice. Of course I’ll join you.”

“Alright, what would you like?” I think for a moment, but the I just give her a shrug.

“Surprise me, I’m not picky.”

Fluttershy nods and walks to the kitchen to prepare our meal. After a few minutes ‘Shy calls me to the table.

“I wasn’t sure exactly what you’d like, so I hope this is okay.” She puts a plate in front of me and it’s a large omelette. It smells absolutely incredible. Peppers, mushrooms, cheese, onions, tomatoes... the only thing it didn’t have was ham, but that’s forgivable, given Fluttershy’s opinion on eating pigs.

“Do you like it?” she asks, nervously shifting in place.

“This is perfect, ‘Shy.” I give her a quick hug and begin my meal. It’s even better than I expected, and by the time I’m finished, I feel the urge to ask for another, quelled only by the fact that I’m full. We continue chatting about animals and such while she eats.

“You know so much about animals, have you ever thought of becoming a professional veterinarian?”

“Oh, no!” she shakes her head vehemently, or at least with some vigor. “I couldn’t expect money for helping all of these animals!”

“Alright, if you say so. I just think you’d do an amazing job.”

After a while, I decide it’s time I left. I thank Fluttershy for the omelette again and walk out the door, heading for Carousel Boutique. I hadn’t forgotten about that bit of information Rarity had promised me. Now I really want to know.

Unfortunately, it’s still rather early in the morning, so I decide to find something to do until it’s a more acceptable hour. I then remember I’m out of coal. Not even half a lump for emergencies. I head over to the train station. I had already kind of quit my job there a while ago, I just didn’t really need the money as much as I thought. Perhaps the best gift I could have received as a hero would be an unlimited use free train pass to wherever the trains went.

I’ll think about how I could get one later. For now...

I get on the train and sneak some coal out. Turning it all into dust, I manage to pack about four and a half lumps into my pouch. Satisfied that I should have enough for at least medium-sized tools, I take my leave. There’s honestly not much to do this early in the morning, so I just end up walking around town, trying to think of something I could do to pass the time.

Looking in each direction, I decide to simply start walking down a randomly chosen street. there’s much fewer ponies on this road, and I keep walking, resisting the urge to whistle a jaunty tune. Last time I did, it took Fluttershy’s help to get the birds to stop roosting on me.

The sun was just peeking up, enough to have a bright morning, without being right in my eyes anymore. The pegasi were already working the weather over to prepare it for the day. Looking at their efforts and what I recalled of the weather schedule for the week, it’s probably going to be an overcast, but generally bright and rainless day.

One of the pegasi waves at me for a moment before going back to work, and I wave back. Ponyville is really nice, when it isn’t being ransacked by random monsters and disasters.

Finally, I find my feet have brought me to a large, luscious park. there’s carefully tended trees, flower beds, and green grass. Many of the trees are flowering, including a large weeping willow bending gracefully over a large pond. Several park benches sat here and there, near the few jogging paths scattered about.

Laying on her back, a mare was on one of the benches, staring up at the sky above her. A lone butterfly had settled onto her nose, and she was smiling gently at it. The mare had a seafoam coat and was wearing a warm-looking hoodie. A simple harp was propped against the bench next to her, and one of her hooves dangled over it.

Not having anything better to do, I decide to walk over. “Heya, what’s your name?”

The mare’s eyes flickered over to me. “Hello. I’m Lyra. though I suppose names are just things we call each other. Visual displays are so much more interesting to watch.” Her gaze returned to the little butterfly on her nose, which still hadn’t moved. The butterfly flared its wings for a moment, revealing a pair of harp-shaped marks on the undersides of the wings, before it flapped away.

The seafoam mare rolled sideways, toppling off the bench and onto her hooves in a graceful, almost boneless manner.

“Well, that’s something you don’t see every day. You get a lot of practice doing that?”

“Laying on my stomach hinders my ability to think by almost forty percent.” She looked me up and down. “You are bored, searching for something to do, and wandered here without conscious thought.”

“Let me guess, you’re the town oracle?” I check her flank for an image of a crystal ball or something, but it’s just a gold harp like the one she had with her.

“No, I’m an entomologist. And smart. Did you know, music is a numerical formula? By the look in your eyes when I said that, I’d guess you’ve already heard that view.” All the guessing was leaving me a bit peeved, I’d like to have a part in the conversation, too.

“Hey, I like math, numbers are fun, and music being numbers makes a lot more sense to me, honestly.”

“Of course you do, you’re only fitting in here in Ponyville because we’re all odd in some way or another here.” She grinned broadly. “I’m a master-grade musician and have been since I could physically hold an instrument, and I prefer to look at centipedes. Which only have about thirty-seven pairs of legs, in spite of the name.”

“Well, aren’t you knowledgeable. So, you know what I’m doing, or rather, not doing here. What about you?”

“Clarsach Butterflies only show up in Ponyville once a year. They’re very rare, and have no place in any ecosystem they’ve been encountered in. Their caterpillars are laid wherever they wander during their migrations, and eat any kind of leaves they can find and are too toxic for natural predators to eat. So I catch them and feed them to my terra-tula.”

“Uh... do you mean ‘tarantula’?”

“No, terra-tulas are mineraloids, but have many spider-like properties.” she tilted her head in thought. “Such as being spiders, with stone armor in place of the normal chitin.”

“Mineraloids?” My eyebrows go skyward at the implications. “Dang, you certainly have interesting creatures. The only rock monsters humans have are all fictitious.”

Lyra shrugged. “Terra-tulas aren’t monsters; that’s a different classification altogether. Although, tecto-rantulas are classified as ‘great-monsters’, or kaiju.”

That surprised me. “Uh... I assume you mean ‘kaiju’ as in ‘it’s very very very big’?”

“Yes. Most mountains that are permanently dormant are actually tecto-rantulas. They sleep a lot, but some dragons remember losing parents and elders to them.” She cocks her head at me, brows furrowed in confusion. “For some reason, dragons don’t like tecto-rantulas.”

“Well, I wouldn’t like something that ate my parents, personally.”

Lyra looks at me pointedly. “Well, that seems prejudiced. How you like it if your food disagreed with you, just because you were eating it? I’m sure seeing screaming cauliflower would throw off your appetite.” Strangely, her smile hasn’t left her face. I can’t tell if she’s teasing me, having an honest debate, or some combination of the two.

“Well, the fact that it screams wouldn’t matter, I don’t like cauliflower in the first place.” I stick my tongue out.

Lyra nods sagely, then climbs onto the bench, sitting up into a position that looks supremely uncomfortable for ponies: like a human. She pats the bench beside her, indicating for me to sit down.

“Well, I suppose that is a wise choice. Cauliflower sometimes contains vegetables. There’s usually a high chance of that.” She reminds me of someone, I just know it, but I can’t put my finger on it.

“Well, you certainly are an interesting pony. Probably the most interesting I’ve met so far...”

“Probably because I’m ‘whimsical’, as most ponies say. Oh, would you like me to play a song? I brought my lyre, but I haven’t gotten around to playing it today. It wouldn’t do to become rusty and maybe crack a spring.” I have no idea if she’s being serious, lost in thought, or what, but the idea of a relatively private music number seems nice.

“Sure, let’s see what ya got.” I sit back, and wait for her to begin.

The harp hovers into her grip, and she begins to play. Instead of plucking the strings with magic, though. she instead uses her hooves. I’m not really sure how, but she does. A strange, haunting melody begins to pour forth from the instrument.

I just stay still, and wait until she’s finished. Once she’s done, I speak up. “That was beautiful. I don’t know how you ponies can do things like that with hooves, but I guess that just makes it more impressive to me.”

“Harmony guides all things. Some of us are guided more strictly, and others...” she trailed off, staring at the instrument in her hooves. “Some of us help guide harmony,” she looked up at me, and smiled again. What she said next, I’ll never understand how she did it. How she knew, or how she could’ve found out, or anything.

Somehow, she calls me by my real name, first and last.

Like a Diamond in the Sky

I stumble away from Lyra, completely terrified. How could she have known? It wasn’t possible, shouldn’t be possible. And she still had that small, knowing smile as she looked at me, as if totally unconcerned with my panic.

“Wh- who are you?” I actually Spark up on instinct, my body knows I’m flipping out.

“I am Lyra Virtuoso Heartstrings.” She said, smile not leaving her face, her amber eyes holding steady with my own. “At least, that’s what I call me, though others have different names for who I am.”

“I- I... How?” That’s all I can think of to say, nothing else comes to my paralyzed mind. “How?”

“I see what isn’t there and hear what isn’t said, by which I take the truth from nothing.” she says, gesturing in an infuriatingly vague manner.

“No, really. How do you know my name? Both of them!?” Again, on instinct, I enter a defensive pose, as if my mind thinks she’s dangerous. Hell, for all I know, she is.

“Because your heart speaks...” she stops, snickering for a moment. “No, no, I can’t keep a straight face anymore. But I knew because that is who I am, the way being a star is who you are.” She stretches her legs, waving them a bit, before patting the bench next to her. “Here, have a seat.”

Nervously I take a seat, worried what she could do if I don’t do what she says. “I just wanna say... I... uh...”

“You’re pretty nervous because I’m so strange?” she prompts, smiling serenely.

“Okay stop doing that! It’s really not cool, okay!”

“Okay, stop being an ex-human starling stuck in Equestria.” she retorts. “Oh, wait, that’s a state of being, too.” Her smile hasn’t moved or changed.

“Look, I’m just trying to piece all of this together and now you come down and now you’re just messing with my head, this is really not funny.” I say, holding my head as if my hands could block her out somehow.

Her smile turns to a pout. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just wanted to meet you.” she says, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Also, keep in mind that first impressions do not a whole picture make. Or... was it ‘don’t eat spoons’? Now I can’t remember which advice I was supposed to give you...” she furrows her brow, rubbing her chin with her free hoof, then shakes it off. “Eh, either way, good advice. It’ll do you good in the long run.”

I brush her hoof off my shoulder. “You don’t plan on ‘meeting me’ like some of those ponies in my fan mail, do you, because if so I reserve the right to slap you.”

“No, I’m not really much like Glady. That sort of... fun... isn’t my entirely metaphorical cup of tea. Hmm... I’ve never actually tried tea.” her train of thought appears to be derailing, but if I want to get answers, I should probably put it back on its tracks.

But she’s gotten me thinking of tea now and I sure could use a cup. It takes me several minutes to get my own thoughts on track again, and I remembered that Lyra is also the name for a constellation. That... would explain quite a lot right now. “So... you live... up there?” I ask, indicating the sky. “Like, way up there?”

“Hmm? Well, kinda, yeah. It’s not so far as you think, but rather as far as you believe.” she says. “Far enough to take forever if you’re running, but close enough it’s only a walk away.”

“Enough mystic mumbo-jumbo, alright? Just give me some straight answers, you’re a star too, right?”

“No.” she says, pursing her lips as if trying to conceal a smile. “That’d be silly, Anthony.”

“Okay, you know what, screw this. You’re giving me a headache now.” I sigh in frustration. She just won’t stop being so cryptic and confusing. “What do you really want?”

“I told you, I wanted to meet you and give you some advice. Oh, and... be careful about trying to mix your abilities; you aren’t the only one that could hurt.” she says, with a serious look on her face.

“No shit, genius!” That’s the single most stupid thing she’s said thus far. “I mean, powers in general are dangerous, heck look what might happen if I start sleepwalking or something? I’m a giant, or a living fireball, or an overcharged battery or... or...”

“It’s more than that, Anthony. Do you have any idea why your powers refuse to mix? What happens when a star begins to expand rapidly? Have you ever considered what your body should be undergoing when you get so large?” she asks, setting the harp to the side as she speaks. “I know you know of the square-cube law, even if most of ponykind hasn’t learned it yet.”

“How the hell do you know... oh forget it. Yeah, but I can’t enter my Star form when I’m giant, it’s a separate power entirely!” I pause. “Isn’t it?”

“What happens when a star is dying?” The question catches me off guard, and I have to think a moment before the answer hits me.

“It... it gets huge, and then... it starts to shrink... and it... oh shit...”

“Or, if its power is great enough, it turns itself into the basis of life itself... I’m sure you’re familiar with what you’d call ‘element number six’, yes? Most often encountered as...?” She trailed off, her smile still one of benign humor.

“C- carbon...?” I reach my hand to my pouch of coal. No way. No fucking way! I summon some of the coal out of the pouch and shift it into various forms. I give a sigh of defeat and return it to the pouch.

“Diamonds don’t form in stars, though. Oh! But you should come visit us sometime. I’m sure mother would help with that.” Lyra smiled again, beginning to fade out. Where she’d been standing was, instead, a pony-shaped hole into the night sky. “See you later, little star.”

The patch of night faded into day, and there was no evidence of Lyra anywhere. “Oh, man... this is heavy...” I need to calm down, I can’t seem to keep my brain on one thought process at a time.

I spy, off to the side, one thing proving that the pony was actually here. The plain harp had turned to gold, and is leaning against the bench. I pick it up, studying it. The shadowed portions of it seem to be windows into night sky instead of actual shadows. I decide to take it with me. Maybe someone can tell me what the heck just happened.

I figure I can learn more about that later. Right now, I just want to feel normal. Well, as normal as I can get in Equestria. I recall I wanted to get Rarity to tell me her little secret crush, so I head off to Carousel Boutique. It would be a long walk from here, but I’m not sure if I feel comfortable using any of my powers at the moment...

My face must’ve shown my discomfort, because I heard a steady ‘poing, poing’ from beside me as I walked, a few minutes into the journey. I looked over to see Pinkie, who was looking at me with worry.

I figure I don’t want to scare her or anything, so I just smile and act like everything’s fine. I hope I look sincere. “Heya, Pinkie. Watcha doin’?”

“Anthony, if you’re not alright, you’re always welcome to hang out with me.” She looks up at me with those clear blue eyes of hers, and I feel like I’d barely put any effort into faking happiness. Stupid, perceptive pink ponies...

“Well... fine. I’m not alright, but I think I’ll just think about it on my own at first, but if I need someone to talk to, you know I’ll come see you, alright?” I give her a quick hug, which she returns, hopping up to nuzzle my neck as well. I mentally remind myself that while it is morning, I can always get a lumberjack. Stupid morning wood. Stupid pink princess ponies. I can’t even enjoy being around my friends the same now... I need an actual girlfriend.

I let go of Pinkie and, assuring her that I’ll be fine, I return to my trek towards Carousel Boutique. It’s such a shame that the rest of the Berry’s Punch is certainly spoiled by now.

Pinkie waves a reluctant goodbye, and I finally arrive at the boutique. Knocking on the door, I wait outside, fitfully glancing up at the sky and hoping the stars aren’t watching me. Thinking back on that thought, I think I may have developed paranoia in the last thirty minutes or so.

The door opens, but instead of Rarity opening the door, I look down to see Sweetie Belle looking up at me, the faintest signs of bed-head marring her normally perfect curls. It is adorable, especially with the sleepy look in her tired eyes and the little pajama shirt she’s wearing.

“Hi there, Sweetie. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“Aw, Rarity’s just being stupid again, so I couldn’t sleep too good. I think she said something about a project idea, and needing to meet with the diamond dogs again. ‘M so tired...”

“Well, why don’t you just go back up to your room and get some rest? Wait... what’s a diamond dog?” I think back to the Mineraloid classification Lyra brought up.

“Mmph, they’re a type of troll, Twilight said. Rarity is pack alpha or something.” She yawned squeakily, like a small dog or cat that’s been up too long. “at least, thas’ wha she tol’ me...”

I decide to take pity on the filly, and I pick her up and walk inside quietly. Finding her room shouldn’t be that hard. Sure enough, there’s a macaroni art picture of ‘Sweetie’s Room’ with a gilded plaque beneath saying the same, but with tiny little gems the same color as Sweetie’s mane on the polished white surface. Sweetie’s and Rarity’s work, respectively, I’d guess.

I open the door and, being very quiet, take the filly to her bed and put her down. “Sleep well, Sweetie.” The filly just yawns and curls up into a tiny ball under the sheets, now holding a little stuffed Rarity toy. A little weird I suppose, but very cute.

I carefully step out of the messy room, stuffed animals and all sorts of other toys scattered around. It reminds me of my room, back home, though with much less legos. I wince as my foot lands on the spire of a block tower set, and realize that tin blocks are far more painful and sharp than legos are, on average. I stifle a shout and curse, but a faint whimper escapes captivity.

Edging out, I gently close the door and return to the first floor. I’m not sure if I should stay here and wait for Rarity - she had said she was working on something when I’d stopped by yesterday - or wander off towards Twilight’s house and bug her for a little while. She might be able to explain the star-pony reading my mind or whatever had happened, in a way that will calm me down. Or make me freak out more, depending on what the explanation is.

Deciding I can come back later, I head for Golden Oaks. Rarity’s little secret isn’t going anywhere, and I can check on her later.

Trekking down the road, I wave and give a pseudo-cheery smile to the ponies along the way. Most wave back, but I notice some of the earth ponies looking at me worriedly. Maybe they’re just better at reading body language or something.

Once I’ve made my way to the library, which is once more filtering nothing but golden light, I push open the door, and step in, stooping under the doorway as usual.

The entirety of the main room is barren of any ponies, only Spike, sweeping while wearing a frilly pink apron, is here. When he sees me, he points a thumb over his shoulder towards the basement door. “Hey, Twilight wanted to chat with you. Something about ‘unprecedented scientific progress’ and ‘xenological studies of a meaningful nature’. I’d suggest being ready to run, she’s in one of those moods.” He went back to sweeping, whistling quietly as he worked.

I shrugged and headed down to the basement anyway. I suppose a scientific discussion would be nice to have for once. I walk down the wooden steps. It’s strange.The area is definitely under the tree, but seems to have wood paneling on the walls to imply that you’re still inside the main tree itself... Kinda neat.

“Ah, you’re here Anthony! You’re two hours and forty-seven minutes sooner than expected, but that’s alright! I’ve had my pots of coffee, and I am ready for science!” Pots of coffee? I’m seriously rethinking coming down here of my own free will.

“Uh... yeah, hi.” I warily make sure I’m not near any tables with straps or anything like that. “Spike said you were doing something about a xenological study, and I assume you mean me, as I’m the most alien thing in Ponyville as far as I’m aware.”

“Hmm? Oh, yes, that too. I was wanting to do some studies on your powers and maybe ask about your cultural history and backgrounds and if anything significant had happened in your world recently enough to precipitate your longitudinal transfer through the interstitial matrices to this plane of existence!” I reach the bottom of the stairs to see Twilight in the middle of a high-ceilinged lab, with tasteful walnut panelling. The pony is wearing a long labcoat and a pair of intimidating welding goggles, along with the widest grin I’ve seen yet. Flanking her on either side are large glass cylinders, one of which contained a sedately grinning Pinkie Pie.

I run over and hug her. “Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to hear someone say those kinds of words and know exactly what they’re talking about! I was beginning to think I’d given up on having an intelligent conversation!”

Twilight squees. “Well, then, you are to be referred to as ‘subject zero-zero’ during the testing, and if you could sign on this waiver here...” Twilight’s magic held up a clipboard with a seven-page legal document detailing all the events that she wasn’t liable for, most of which I didn’t understand. I did read as much of it as I could, though. I wasn’t going to agree to have my internal organs sucked out and put back.

After reading the mind bogglingly large number of extremely esoteric possibilities, including ‘accidental cranial wormhole insertion’ I come up with an idea. I will sign it, but still have a plan. I sign it as ‘patient 00’ as Twilight said I’d be referred to during the proceedings. Ha.

“Perfect! This document has arcane bindings to make sure that it’s the intent that binds, not the writing. I’m no newbie to lab experiments!” Her grin, if anything, was worryingly wider. Why did she think to compensate for that? “Now get in the giant tube-thingy! It’s science time!”

“Well played, Twilight. Well played...” I narrow my eyes, arms crossed. I walk up to the tube aside from Pinkie’s. I’m probably going to find out what she’s there for in a few moments, so I don’t bother asking.

“The first test is... getting in! It’s currently hermetically sealed, with eleven different atmosphere-processing glyphs to maintain a perfectly balanced and sterile environment. Air included.”

I think for a moment, before sparking up and turning intangible, and knocking on the tube with my fist. My hand goes straight through the thick glass, with less resistance than normal.

“Heh, cake.” I chuckle and walk right into the tube, then power down.

“Perfect!” Twilight says, looking over a mountain of data pouring from the machines. “hmm, a surge in emotion magic, a pulse of stellar energies, and some cosmic radiation bleed-off. Interesting... Alright, next test. Your containment unit is connected to Pinkie’s. I’m going to pour in a thin layer of conductive gel, and you’ll put forth enough of a charge for Pinkie to feel it, no more. We’re not trying for hurting anypony, after all.”

“Aw, what fun is safe science?” I ask sarcastically. “Fine, I’ll set myself on ‘joybuzzer’ then.”

Twilight looks at me with a look of derision. “Crude jokes about sexual implements is not welcome in the scientific workplace, Anthony.” She smacks a button on the dashboard in front of her. Sure enough, a greenish, mostly clear, viscous semi-fluid bubbles up from tiny vents on the floor, and I can feel a very slight current already in it.

I charge up some electricity, staying out of my Dynamo form, not entirely aware of what doing so might result in. Once I’ve got about fifty volts charged up, enough for a large startle, but not pain, I release it, and it travels through my body into the goo.

Pinkie yelps, then begins to giggle. “Hee hee hee! Stop! It tickles!” She’s now rolling in the goo, a bright smile on her face. She’s now completely covered in a gooey cocoon.

“Pinkie! Don’t play in that! It’s a vital scientific testing material! Conductivity Gel may be the cheapest of the six gels I buy from Passage Scientific Laboratories, but it’s still not cheap!”

“She’s right, Pinkie. You never know what could happen...” I grin and send a much lighter charge, only about 30 volts, into the gel at my feet to give Pinkie another electric tickle. I assume the conductivity increases with how much your body is in contact with, and I don’t want to hurt her.

Pinkie begins thrashing, flailing, and laughing at the top of her lungs. Blobs of the barely-greenish gel get splattered onto the inside of the glass cylinder by the pony. Once I stop channeling my electricity, she lays there on the bottom, panting, heaving in breaths, and giggling. Twilight is looking impatient and mildly upset, but also like she’s holding back her own giggles.

“Well, we needed to find out what happens if I lower the voltage while the other subject is mostly covered in the gel, didn’t we?” I grin, my excuse a very thin veil for my little prank.

“No, but I suppose it’s good data either way...” Twilight rolls her eyes indulgently, and motions to the two of us. “Alright, I’ll initiate the cleansing system. I’ll also be isolating Pinkie, because the next test is to see how high you can go with your voltage, amperage, and ohms.”

“Gotcha, just tell me when.”

A torrent of icy-cold water sprays from the top of the cylinder, causing me to yelp in surprise, my Spark extinguishing at the shock. The water quickly turns to a more normal warm, but I can see Twilight smirking triumphantly from her little science station.

Once the goo is washed off and the water is sluiced away, Twilight tells me to begin charging my electricity for thirty seconds, or until I can’t handle it any more. She also says to direct the discharge at the electrodes on the back of the glass tube. I turn around, and there is a pair of wide metal plates on the back, like thin steel stickers.

I locate the electrodes, and then enter my Dynamo form. If I’m supposed to go all out, I’m gonna need to really focus. I concentrate on the electricity flowing through me. I close my eyes, and push as much effort into the power generation as I can. I’ll probably feel pretty tired, but I want to know my upper limits just as much as Twilight does.

I can hear loose electricity crackling across my skin, and the sharp tang of ozone spikes through my nose. Behind my tightly-clenched eyes, I’m starting to see stars. Not as in the stars I’d be seeing if I was simply holding my eyes closed. I’m seeing literal stars, specks of burning light and gas, flaring and beautiful. Coronal flares the size of continents pass by my vision as it feels like I’m zooming away, and the stars fade into galaxies, the silent blackness of space in all directions, until a faint light begins to fade in at the edges, resolving itself into-

With a cry, the charge I’ve been building up begins to hurt too bad for me to concentrate, and I unload all of the energy I’d gathered into the twin electrodes. I open my eyes a crack, and see that the glass is now sagging around a hand-shaped glowing spot in the metal that had once been the electrodes.

Silence fills the chamber, and I realize I can’t hear or smell anything.

I blink and look around, my starry form shifting gently in the absence of input, my hair drifting eerily from the months of growth in a strangely weightless environment. I try to ask Twilight what’s going on, but no sound comes out. She’s just staring, stupefied, at the console in front of her. The needle that is supposed to be tracking the data has bent all the way up above the machine from trying to reach the height of the spike.

I feel tired. Not like when I was fighting the demon, more like a drained tired. I look up at Twilight, bracing myself inside the tube.

I can’t seem to turn off my Spark, and I keep trying to speak to get her attention. Finally, I try speaking with my Spark, unable to think of anything else. I don’t want to go into the wooden library if I’m still hot enough to put an inch-deep handprint in two-inch glass at a touch.

<TWILIGHT. WOAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY VOICE?> I look out to see Twilight jerk her head up at the sound of my modified vocalizations. She tries to say something, but I can’t hear her in the slightest. I think I know what’s going on, now that I think about it. I may have just completely removed the air inside the testing tube!

<I CAN’T HEAR YOU, BUT YOU CAN HEAR ME. I THINK I JUST SHOCKED THE AIR OUT OF THE TUBE. HOW CAN I GET OUT SAFELY?> Twilight nodded at my assertion about the atmosphere, and looked around. After a moment, she pulled out a simple chalkboard and a piece of chalk.

‘I think you can just step out, you’re not radiating heat anymore’ she wrote, before erasing it to clear the board. ‘are you still have enough power to’ she erased the words and tried again. ‘Do you think you have enough power to go intangible again?’

Rather than answering, I just try anyway. I make myself intangible again to get out. I step out and the moment my body is fully clear of the glass, I feel my Spark flicker out again, and I drop into the reams of spare paper, feeling exhausted. At least this time, I didn’t just go unconscious. That can’t be healthy...

“So... tired...” I snuggle into the cozy paper, and close my eyes, dreaming of stars and galaxies and patches of green on the edges of space...

I yawn, stretching slightly. I’m laying on what feels like a hammock, and a nearby machine is beeping and clicking.

“Huh... what?” I try to prop myself up with my arms, but it’s been so long since I’ve been in a hammock, I forgot how to position myself, and I end up on my back again, injured arm flaring in pain for a moment.

“Ooh, you’re awake!” I see Pinkie’s head suddenly fill my vision, her face expressing relief. She leans forward and nuzzles my nose with hers, filling my nostrils with the scent of fresh baked goods.

“Heh, good morning to you too... is it morning? How long have I been out? What was my energy output?” I’m feeling really chipper, like I’ve slept a perfect eight hours.

“Silly, you’ve only been out for an hour.” Huh, weird. “But Twilight looked at the clicky-thingy, and it went ‘kwapoing!’ and she said ‘Oh no!’ and I said ‘What’s up?’ and she said ‘it’s off the charts!’ and I asked ‘how far?’ and she said ‘I don’t know, this machine can’t register past eight thousand kilothaums of output!’ and I said ‘over eight thousand? That’s crazy!’ and then she looked at the machine again, and said, ‘wait, no, it goes to fifteen thousand.’ and I whistled and said ‘That’s even more!’ And then-”

Pinkie’s mouth is shut by a violet glow, and I look over to see that Twilight, still in her long labcoat and goggles, had shut Pinkie’s mouth.

“What she means to say is that you put out at least three times as much energy as the system was designed to handle. Your amperage was measured in mega-amps, and the device to measure ohms just broke and caught on fire. You put a handprint in a diamond-matrix casing.”

I grin. “Heh, guess I’m too hot to handle. In all seriousness, though... Dang. This is dangerous...”

“You also produced a spike of cosmic radiation that, if you hadn’t been in the chamber, would’ve scoured the laboratory clean of anything less durable than stone. Theoretically, I’ve never seen that large of a cosmic burst in my life.”

“Wow... I’m not sure if I want to test my fire powers. Who knows what I’d destroy...” I think over the possibilities, many of them leading to excellent prank ideas.

“Well, there is one more test you can do, if you feel up to it, and it’d be pretty safe. We don’t even need a containment chamber.”

I fake a depressed look. “Awww, but unsafe science is the fun science...”

Twilight looks sharply back at me, and I feel a little bad. I basically just gave off a barely-contained gamma radiation burst in her lab, maybe I shouldn’t be pushing the unsafe practices joke right now.

“Er... generally speaking?” I sigh. “I don’t want to see anything damaged, alright? I just like a bit of danger sometimes. What’s the test?”

“I just hand you a testing spike meant for calculating lightning bolt output, and then we see how long you can channel for. Just a little bit, though, you blew out in fourteen seconds with the big jolt.”

“Dang, that’s some quick charge rate... alright.” I take the proffered strip of metal, holding it in my left hand. As I do, I notice that my cast is slightly singed, and my clothes are charred around the edges. Rarity is never going to forgive me for that.

“Guess I’ll have to go in for a new cast at some point. Alright, let’s do this.” I don’t bother charging up any and just push the current into the metal. I wonder how much energy that is, without charging.

“Alright, you’re holding steady at fifteen volts, and the clock is started.” Twilight says. “So, may I ask you some questions?”

“Sure, what do you want to know?”

“Well, you said that there was several billion humans on your planet, and no other sentient species. You also mentioned that you don’t have any magic. Am I on track, so far?” I nod “Alright, what I want to know... Ahem, if there aren’t any competition for the dominant sentient life form, what drives your scientific progress, besides curiosity? Pony, Gryphon, and Minotaur cultures all grow most rapidly in times of war, but if there’s nobody else to make war on...”

While she doesn’t end with an actual question, I get the gist of what she’s asking. “Yeah. We fight each other. On a near-constant basis, actually. We’re a war-like species by nature and violence is in our genetics, despite being a strange form of ‘pack’ species. We’re also kind of a herd species, too, but it’s complicated.”

Twilight scribbled down some notes, checked to make sure I was still outputting a charge, and asked her next question. “What sort of family structure is common amongst humans? Do you tend to follow more of a group-mating, like cows? Or is it more of a pairing system, like with predatory birds? Or something more exotic, like with skinks or cuttlefish?”

“Well, we’re mainly monogamist, and our families stay together until the child is mature, about eighteen or twenty years old. There are a few exceptions, and there are plenty of cases of single parents, but it’s usually two parents and one to two children.”

“Hmm, so you raise your children for an extended period of time. Do the parents usually split up after the children are raised? Or is it more of a life-bonding, like with swans and alicorns?”

“Well... that’s where it gets complicated. It’s technically a life-bond, but sometimes, usually during the raising of the children, one parent might leave, usually because they no longer feel compatible with their chosen partner. So they get a divorce. This is how the single-parent situation normally comes around” I decide to save the possibility of ‘birth from rape’ for another time.

Twilight ‘hmm’d and scribbled more down, checking my output once more. “Alright, I suppose that’s enough from that subject. What sort of power, of any kind, develop naturally in humans?”

“If you mean like magic, or mine, or anything aside from just muscle growth over time or by exercise, absolutely none.”

Twilight hrmm’d once more, and scribbled down more notes. “You stated you have no magic where you came from, but you recognized it on sight. How so?”

“Well, we have magic and such, but it’s all in our fiction. I’ve been an avid reader of various forms of fiction, and so I can understand magic, even if I’ve never been physically introduced to it. In fact, the excuse most of us humans use for things we can’t explain is that it’s caused by magic. At least until a scientific resolution is found, that is.”

“Odd. Why would you assume it’s something you can’t experience? That seems kind of pointless. Any pony would agree that something should be able to be experienced to be believable, even if only one pony can ever experience it.”

“That’s the way I see it, but everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and boy do we have impressive imaginations as a species. We just don’t understand something, and since we don’t understand magic, we assume that it’s related. We explain it by connecting it to something we can’t explain. I find it very lazy and rather obnoxious, personally, but it’s normal for humanity.”

“Strange. Also, your output has been almost perfectly steady this whole time, are you still fine?”

“Yeah, I’m good, I can't even feel if there is a drain at the moment. Got any other questions?”

“Hmm, yes. I suppose this is more directed at, you, and less your culture, though. If anything upsets you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, just say so, and I’ll move on, okay?”

“No problem, what do ya wanna know?” I ask. “I’m an open book.”

“Well, first off, would you say you’re an average member of your species, powers aside?”

“If you don’t count the three levels of mental ‘retardation’ I ‘suffer’ from, I’d say yes.”

“You’re considered mentally retarded for your species? That’s... incredible! The rest must be absolute genius-”

I fall over laughing, accidentally taking my hand off the metal. “Oh boy, heck no! I’m one of the straight thinkers.” I wait until my laughter subsides, and put my hand back when she puts it there with magic. “No. It’s only called retardation because it’s different. Our species has the bad habit of equating abnormality with deficiency. I have ADHD, Autism, all that fun stuff, and our culture usually depicts that as very bad. According to them, I should be a brain-dead vegetable!”

Twilight looked at me with concern, no mirth in her eyes. “What’s ADHD and Autism?”

Whoo boy. Big topic.

“Well, ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It means I have a lot of energy, and have problems focusing. This means that, according to the descriptive words used, I am impossible to keep a coherent conversation with.”

“Well, I think that’s an incorrect prognosis. And many pegasi and earth ponies exhibit similar symptoms, though that’s just considered being a thaumically strong member of those species. Pinkie, for example, practically radiates thaumic energy, but I have no idea what effect this has on anything beyond being a very basic structure for an explanation behind her mild precognition.”

“Well...” I pick up Pinkie and rest her on my lap. “That’s where ponies and humans differ. Since it’s mainly showed in emotion and such, and we don’t have magic, we decide it’s all mental. And because, as I said, humans see difference as a bad thing, they’d treat Pinkie as if she were insane and unstable.”

Pinkie looks up at me, eyes gone gigantic and a huge pouty face in the making. I could almost see the edges of her eyes waver, like a cartoon character.

“I on the other hand, fully understand that it doesn’t affect her and know that she’s just as smart as the rest of us. And because of that, I’m different from most humans as I’m a bit more accepting.”

Pinkie smiles again, almost literally brightening the room. Stupid Cadence, now I have to shift her off my lap again. I’m starting to dislike Cadence, as nice as she is.

“Autism is a general term for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “Autism can be associated with intellectual disability, difficulties in motor coordination and attention and physical health issues such as sleep. Although some people with autism excel in visual skills, music, math and art like me, aside from the art. I can’t draw worth crap.. Unfortunately, since we see difference as bad, whenever autism is referred to, humans assume that the 'affected' fall into the former category. This is why technically, I would be considered completely useless as a person.”

Twilight looks at me curiously. “So, wait, you’re telling me these traits occur naturally, and humans try to repress them? Unicorns take decades of careful work to cultivate traits like that!” She looks almost scared for me, like she’s wishing she could just pull me in and mother me ‘till I’m better.

“Yeah, humans are jerks. We’re mentally set to hate each other for some reason, so we always see anything or anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of ‘the normality’ as something to be ostracized. I of course don’t because I’m affected with this, and my brain works differently. I wouldn’t say I’m smarter, but I definitely have a very different viewpoint.” I sigh. “No, I’m not a normal human, and I am very very glad for that.”

Twilight nods, then writes down more notes. She’s already about ten pages in. “Well, I suppose my next question is pretty simple: What are the other subspecies of humanity like? I assume they’re probably pretty isolated from each other, given what you’ve said of their xenophobic traits, but I’m interested on anything you know.” her quill is dipped into the inkpot, and then hovers in anticipation over the papers.

“Well... human isn’t an umbrella term. If you are human, you’re a human. We all have the same general shape. No difference. Sure body shape such as muscle tone or skin color may differ, but that’s all genetic. If you are human, you are just human.”

“Huh. Well... uhm, that kind of dries up several of the other questions I had, one moment.” Twilight pulls out a few loose notecards, flicking through them quickly while Pinkie and I had a boop-war, trying to poke each other’s nose without being booped in return.

We stopped when Twilight snorted in derision and rolled her eyes, smiling the whole while. “And you wonder why the townsponies thought you might be interested in them. Hmm... let me see, one more question then. What sort of geographical location did you reside in before, and is it your usual home, or does your culture practise nomadic lifestyles?”

I pause to think. “There are some of us that are nomadic by culture, but me and my family aren’t. As for geographical location I lived in the pacific northwest, specifically Seattle Washington. So a fairly cold and rainy climate and close to the ocean.

“Hmm... alright. Well, I’ll ask further questions another time. Oh, and are you feeling any drain at all from the power usage?” she asks.

“Nope, I’m all good.” I reply honestly. “I don’t think my power usage is anything like your magic. I notice that usually I don’t feel tired until after I’ve stopped using my powers. Like I didn’t collapse during the fight with that demon until it was over when I probably should have fallen unconscious about when I was stabbed by that tail.”

Twilight nods. “Alright, then go ahead and release the electrode, power down, and tell me if you feel more tired, the same, or less tired.”

I do as she asks, “The same but a teensy bit more tired, but that was practically nothing. I think I have to use a lot of power before I start feeling weak. Like when I was in that tank, the second I stopped I collapsed. I think my power-strain blackouts don’t occur until I’m considered ‘finished’.” I pause and think over that circumstance. “Though I guess that’s also a problem. I could reach my limit and not notice until I’m already suffering the consequences like me breaking my hand.” I add, gesturing with my cast. “There’s no ‘safety net’ on my powers, I just keep going until I can’t stand any more.”

Twilight’s brows knit together. “Well, that could potentially be very dangerous, so be careful. Alright? I don’t want one of my friends getting hurt over something silly.” she says, putting a hoof on my knee and smiling up at me.

“Does that mean you want to see me hurt over something serious!?” I say, feining astonishment. “Well, thanks a lot Sparkle!”

“That’s not what I meant- Oh, you’re just doing that... right I see. But that’s not funny, I don’t want you hurt. Well, I suppose there’s only one test left, then.” she says.

“A wet tee-shirt contest?” I ask, grinning and wiggling my eyebrows as suggestively/actively as I can.

“A what?” she asks.

“Apparently you’ve never seen clothes get wet, especially white clothes. Oh well.”

“Actually, I have. Cloth, when wet, clings terribly. It also chafes. It can also stain, if not dried promptly or left to dry. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, think about it. If it’s clingy, and all of our ‘unmentionables’ are on the front...”

“Then wouldn’t it just make the clothes miserable to wear?” I swear, Cadence could not have been her foalsitter, Twilight is just too innocent.

“Just... just nevermind.” I sigh and resist the urge to face-palm. “What’s the test?”

“I’ll use a spell I learned recently, which allows somepony to be turned temporarily into another species. It only lasts a few hours, but it needs a template other than the caster to work from. So, I want to see-”

“If you turn me into a pony, I swear you will not sleep without one eye open for the rest of your life.” I inform her.

“I was going to ask if you’d volunteer for it. I wanted to see if you’d retain your powers as a pony, meaning the powers are tied to your Essentia, or if it’s tied to your form. It’d be a huge step towards trying to identify how you got your powers.”

“But... you’re ponies! I like myself the way I am! How do you know me being human or my powers won’t mess it up somehow! If I end up stuck like a pony, I will throttle you!”

Twilight backed up a bit, looking worried at my threat. “Anthony, any damages to the spell matrix would simply crumble it! You can’t change how a spell works just by tearing it up. It can’t last more than a few hours without me renewing every now and then.” Her words actually were rather comforting.

“...fine. Two hours, and what I look like or anything related to appearance does not leave this library.”

“Well, I don’t know a counterspell for it yet, but it’ll only last, at most, four hours. We’ll also get to see what you look like as a pony!”

“Ugh, fine.” I cross my arms in a huff. “But I will not leave the library nor go near any windows until it wears off... and we do it here in the basement.”

Twilight sighs. “Fine, you can keep your foalish requirements, we just need to see if your powers work as a pony or not. Now, I’ll be using Pinkie as the template, so you two just separate a little and I’ll cast the spell.”

Pinkie nodded, chirping out a happy ‘okie-dokie-lokie!’ and pronking over a few feet to one side.

Twilight begins charging her horn, the violet glow turning white and beginning to spray purple sparks. None of them make it to the ground, flickering out about halfway down, but it still makes me nervous, a little. Right as Twilight gets ready to cast her spell, we all jump slightly as Spike slams the door open, calling out, “Twilight, Rainbow Dash wants to know where all the copies of the new Daring Do are!”

A bright beam, almost painful to look at, lances out and strikes me, forming an orbiting shell of tiny wisps. The beam splits like from a prism, striking Pinkie and knocking her into the inside of the containment tube from earlier with a muffled thump and an ‘oof!’.

Twilight’s horn goes dark, and the lights all go out at once.

I look around in the sudden gloom. “Uh, was that supposed to happen?”

Spike, from the top of the stairs, flicks the light switch several times. “Aw, come on! I’m the one who has to replace the fuses every time this happens, Twilight!”

Well, at least it doesn’t seem like an emergency situation, and nothing feels different to me. I Spark up, literally shedding light on the situation with a small ball of bright, blue flame in my translucent fist. Twilight’s sitting in a pile of her notecards, rubbing her head next to her horn, which is now shedding dull purple-blue sparks. Looking around, I can’t find Pinkie. Turning towards the containment cylinder she went towards I see...

Oh no! she’s been mutated into a giant pile jumbled bare flesh and pink fuzz!

Wait, no, she’s just turned into a human. At least it isn’t anything dangerous, and she didn’t end up inside out anything like that. I don’t think Spike could’ve dealt wi-

click

“Holy mother of Nayru!!”

Pinkie sits up in the tank, rubbing the side of her muzzle-less face with one hand, distractingly bare of clothes. With a moment of confusion, she looks down at her new appendage. “Wow! my hoof looks just like a hand!” She looks down. “Oooo! What’re these?”

Her hands go to play with... uh, I can’t really think right now, but what she’s doing is highly distracting and in no way something such a nice looking young lady should be doing. And she’s giggling, her voice almost perfectly identical.

“Uh... Twilight?” my eye twitches, and I realize I haven’t blinked in a fairly long while now. “I think you goofed...”

Twilight cracks her eyes open, looking from me to Pinkie. “Uh oh, that wasn’t part of the experiment!”

“Woah, there’s a Pinkie-colored Anthony down here!” Spike was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at Pinkie. Well, more like ogling Pinkie, something I could not bring myself to blame him for, as embarrassing as it was likely to be for the both of us later.

“Hey, uh...” I try to break eye contact. “I think I might need a cold shower, later.”

“Why? I thought you hated cold showers?” Pinkie looked at me curiously.

“I’ll need a cold shower...” I emphasize every word while gritting my teeth, but decide not to explain, or things could get even more awkward a lot quicker.

Pinkie stood up, flailing her arms for balance and finally leaning against the glass in a way that mooshed her... frontal assets in a way that unintentionally - I hope - was giving me a painfully uncomfortable reaction. I hadn’t seen another human in more than eighteen months now, and my hormones were telling me that this meant the human race is in dire risk of extinction and I should do everything to rectify that as soon as possible.

Hormones don’t play fair, especially when she gets the hang of standing on her own, and jumps up and down a few times in delight. God, she’s still got such energy.

I feel a tic begin to form in my facial muscles, making my eyelids twitch slightly again. I think I need to murder Cadence and Twilight Sparkle. It will leave the world a safer place from mishap.

“Uh, Pinkie, I think we should get you some clothes.” I say, breathing getting a little short and the air growing a touch warmer than is comfortable. “Fast.” A traitorous little part of my brain begins pointing out that if I’m warm, I should lose some clothes too...

“But why? I’m not cold yet!” Your nipples disagree. No! Bad me! I mentally slap myself for the thought.

“I mean for the other reason we wear clothes... Please.”

“Huh? But I don’t have anything dangling, unless you mean these!” She immediately grabbed her... self for emphasis. Oh god, I think I need to escape this room before I do something stupid and irreversible.

“Yes! I mean those!” I rush up the stairs and out of the library as fast as I could. Hoooooo boy, why’d she have to end up so hot? No! Bad! Bad thought! I rushed towards the only pony I thought could help now: Rarity. I just hope she can make something that doesn’t make the whole situation even worse.

“... and so that’s what happened. I’m, ah, having some biological reactions to Pinkie’s form, but I don’t want to do something like that with her! She’s my friend, and I’m sure it’s just physical, not a real attraction.”

Rarity nods in understanding. “Alright, dear, I think I can help you out with this. I’ll take some of my fabric and go make something for Pinkie. I do hope the darling is keeping to the basement, or she might cause some... problematic rumors if she went around town.” The white mare stood and began moving towards the upstairs area I assume is her workshop.

A few minutes later, she comes back down, gently levitating a large, full-looking suitcase. “This is my travelling case, and it now holds what I need. Now, come along, I’ll need your opinion on the results.”

I pray that whatever my opinion is, it’s at least publicly acceptable. Pinkie might end up being a rather large problem... or two. No! Damnit brain! Don’t give in to the hormones!

We get back to the library, and, against my better judgement, follow Rarity into the basement. I just have to remember, Pinkie is a pony. Just a pony. This is all temporary.

The white mare pulls out a small, framed piece of paper, and I have to wonder what she’s going to- I let my thought trail off as she whispers something to it, and it begins to expand, turning into a three-part paper screen. Huh.

After it’s set in the way to prevent Pinkie from... ‘distracting’ me, Rarity goes to work, a flurry of whites, pinks, and yellows, the swirl of cloth, sewing needles, thread, and magic a stunning display unmatched even by Twilight’s supposed magical mastery. After several moments, I notice that Spike is ogling Rarity with his pupils literally turning to heart-shapes, as he stared with unmatched adoration. Yyyyep, crushing real hard.

Finally, Rarity is done, And she whisks the now-collapsing screen away with a dramatic, ‘Voila!’.

Behind where it had been standing is still Pinkie, but now bouncing slightly on her heels and humming softly. Her frizzy, poofy mane of hair is now cascading over a white stop with a large, pink heart in the center of the... chest. Pinkie was also wearing a skirt and long, white stockings.

And now, her proportions were more... accentuated. I must admit, I’m not as much of a breasts man as some folks, but all her curves stood out. Oh, goddamnit, I can’t escape my own thoughts! But, in truth, she was beautifully dressed, and smiling happily.

“Rarity! That’s exactly what I wa- er, we didn’t want!!”

Rarity snorts. “Well, I think it’s smashing. And besides, Pinkie loves it, don’t you?”

Pinkie smiled and bounced again, cheerily chirping out, “Yepper-doodley snickerdoodles!” ...And now my stomach has joined the revolt against my brain. Traitor.

“Rarity... ugh, well, I guess you are just doing what you do best...” I think on what to do, making sure I’m looking in the exact opposite direction from Pinkie Pie.

Not able to come up with anything, I try to think harder, but my thoughts are interrupted by a starry hand, looking like a pool of the night sky, phases through my chest. “Yoo-hoo! Anthony, take a look at what I can do!”

Spinning around in sudden terror for my life, I see that Pinkie is just a black outline, defined by a series of tiny pinpoints within the shape, and a massive, pale-blue star burning in her chest. A pair of swirling blue galaxies defined her eyes.

And, while her appearance should’ve set off every instance of my fight-or-flight instinct... instead I found myself relaxing. Pinkie, floating several feet off the ground, was spinning and flying with loud giggles and gales of laughter, and it was hard not to join in. She just looked so happy.

Except, I can’t fly... “Pinkie, how are you doing that?”

She spins around in a joyous loop, before hovering in front of me and extending a hand.

Nervously, I take her hand, my mind a bit too clouded to think of any other action. As her fingers slip between mine, I feel a pleasant tingle and a load of warmth, and my own Spark flares brighter, converting my own Star Form into one like hers, but with a much smaller, normal, white star in my own chest. Slowly, I begin to rise from the floor, the odd feeling of weightlessness suffusing my body, like it was when I was in the vacuumed-out chamber.

“Pinkie... I’m not sure you should be doing anything like this unless you know what you’re doing...” I think back to what Lyra said, about my powers possibly killing me, and Pinkie is even more powerful! I can feel the energy she’s radiating dwarf mine. Yet, it’s strangely pleasant, like a faceful of warm sunshine after a cold wind.

“We!?”

Almost without warning, I feel Pinkie pull me effortlessly through the wall and into the earth beneath the tree, zipping through the solid matter like it’s nothing. Another star, blazing a blue even brighter than Pinkie’s core, but held in a cage of golden filigree, orbited Pinkie’s core like a joyous little friend, a smaller star still orbiting as well, shimmering green with tiny specks of purple floating ahead of it like eyes.

The blue-and-gold star ‘stopped’ to hover in front of me. The star broke off with a giggle, stopping to push back a tendril of brilliant blue fire that had started to extend from Pinkie’s core, keeping it from separating into the earth all around.

“Ooooooh man. I feel nice and all right now, but I’m freaking out over here!”

With a sudden shift, we’re going up, and I have no idea how fast. Suddenly, we’re bursting from the top of a snow-capped mountain higher than any nearby peak. Pinkie sets us both down on the top of the peak, the gentle aura of weightlessness keeping me from feeling like I’m going to fall.

Far, far below, I see Canterlot, hanging from the side of the mountain below. We just traveled a lateral sixty-plus miles, and then up nearly another two, if Twilight’s geography books are right, in the span of a conversation. Three sentences, really.

“P- Pinkie... I know you’re having fun and all, but I’m really not sure if you should be just playing around with stellar energy like this, it’s dangerous! Don’t you remember how I got this cast!?”

The little blue star came out again, as Pinkie’s Star Form faded. “Don’t worry. I’ve got a friend to help with that!” the little star bobs happily, zooming over to ‘nuzzle’ me on the cheek, feeling more fuzzy than giant-ball-of-incandescent-gas-ey. In spite of the both of us powering down, she’s still so warm, and she hugs me as we sit on this forsaken and private mountaintop.

“Listen Pinkie, I like this a lot and all, but if you turn into a pony and lose your powers, we’re gonna be stuck up here... Couldn’t we move a little closer to Ponyville, somewhere quiet and private?” As soon as the words leave my mouth I want to beat the shit out of my brain, I meant private for Pinkie being human, not... damnit, Cadence!

Pinkie giggles, rocking back and forth slightly. “Silly, Twily-wily said it’d take around four hours! I feel like I could break it sooner, but... I want to spend some time with you. And with all the stuff we’ve been doing today, and how high up we are, the stars will be out soon!” She turned an honest, happy grin on me, and I practically felt myself melt. Traitors. All my body is traitors!

“Pinkie, the stars come out every night, we don’t have... to... oh, fine.” I give up. Arguing with her that is. I am not going to screw this pony-turned-human!

An insidious little voice whispered in the back of my mind. Who said you had to? A kiss is just as pleasant and very nice...

The worst part was that I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.

The two of us leaned towards each other as the edge of the horizon began to darken, the change from night sudden as the moon rose, bringing a tide of night across the sky in its wake, the sun setting at its own pace on the other side of sky, like a tired worker sinking slowly into soft sheets at the end of a long day.

The stars, though... from up here, they look like tiny birds, or butterflies, flying a long way off. I could see totally new constellations and stars, including one that... that looked like an enormous harp, or maybe just a miles-wide grin in the sky...

And so we watched the stars for an hour, dozens, then hundreds, then thousands coming into easy view from the not-so-lonely mountaintop. Several of them seemed to be clustered around the moon, as if following the pale orb through the night. Others seemed to be moving in the other direction.

It was like they weren’t static objects, but glimmering fish in a perfectly clear ocean, swimming with the currents...

I blinked, and realized that Pinkie was curled up on my arm, snuggled into my side and watching the stars, and that we had, at some point, begun laying down next to each other. All the shadows of her face were like reflections of the sky above, pools of vision into the night sky all around. It was strangely attractive.

I let out a sigh. “Pinkie. Nobody will ever know of this, and when you go back to being a pony, it will end there.” With that, I give her a kiss. It’s not at all like what it was with Twilight/Chrysalis, Pinkie’s temporarily human mouth feeling much more comfortable and it just feels good. I just feel good all over...

When the kiss finally ends Pinkie smiles, bright as the stars shimmering in the pooled shadows of her face. “That’s okay. I’m fine with being friends, if that’s what makes you happy, Anthony.” She rolls over, softly, and I can feel her turning back to her Star Form, for the trip back.

Laughing, I take her hand again, and we fly, invisibly, through the fabric of the night.

Jump to top

Chapter 23 Author's Note

Sorry for the wait. Back to the ponies.

Chapter 23

~Fluttershy~

“One, two, three, four.” I chant to myself, counting the number of wraps I’ve put on the poor weasel’s leg and back. The dear was hurt by a brick thrown out of Ponyville, and needed the splints.

All around me are my friends, ranging from tiny little beetles helping carry medical supplies, to Harry the bear, making sure none of the hurt animals can cause any accidental harm to the others until they’re fixed.

I stop to wipe my brow, as the sweat is tickling my eyebrows, and it’s rather not nice. Still, I’m nearly done, and it’s best if I get to work again. Scooting around the deep, dark shadow of the nearby tree, I make my way to the injured Manticore, also with a rectangular bruise and several similar, but minor, contusions, though it’s not him I’m worried about. The poor dear’s nest was what was mainly hit, and his cubs are looking so sad and are in so much pain, and there’s only so much I can do.

The first’s wings are badly crumpled, and the Manticore has to help me hold the little one down and keep the tail away from me until I can get the splints on, and the poor thing is going to need to come back in a week to get them checked out, which I tell the Manticore. Thankfully, he understands.

The second cub, a young female, has to have one of her rear legs bound tightly, and I’m nearly in tears as she yowls in pain as I set the bone in three places. The spurs found on a female manticore are just growing in, meaning she’s only a year old, but her wings are already tattered, likely from the cave-in at the nest. Oh... she’s never going to fly. Now the tears begin to fall.

Wiping them away and sniffling, I turn to the last cub, and have to choke back a sob. There is no way I can fix this cub... the way the chest is caved in, the slow, ragged, wet-sounding breathing... I can’t fix enough in time.

I hold the cub and sing to her, until the pain stops... it’s so unfair.

I hear the familiar sound that accompanies Rainbow Dash slowing from a rather unsafe speed and look up. Sure enough I can see the blue and rainbow streak slowing, the tears in my eyes obscuring her to blurry shapes.

“Fluttershy! Are you okay!?” Her first question before she even touches down. I look up and nod to her, trying to clear the tears, but it’s not working, and she hugs me. She always knows what I need. “Hey, don’t worry, Anthony took care of the demon and the town’s already pretty much fixed. I know I’m not exactly a doctor but uh... you need a hoof with anything?”

I shake my head. “N-no, I’ve done what I can.” I say, then remember to say ‘Thank you’, oh I hope she’s not disappointed in me. A faint spike of icy fear goes through me at the thought.

She looks a bit concerned though, not mad. “Well, alright. You just seem pretty torn up and uh... you know... I wanna help if I can. Hey, how about we get you inside?”

I sniffle, but nod. It’s getting really dark outside, and the shadows look like they’re reaching for me. I know I’ve been told they aren’t but I can never shake the feeling they really are. Once inside, I feel better; all the rooms are well-lit, all my animal friends are safe and happy or recovering, and even Angel Bunny is being helpful. Not that he isn’t, just that he’s being even more helpful now.

After making some tea, which Rainbow Dash refuses, I sit down in a different chair. After all, Rainbow Dash might want to lay out on the couch, and I wouldn’t want to take up too much space.

She does indeed take the opportunity to stretch out on the couch, but what I don’t expect is an apology. “Sorry nopony showed up to check on you sooner, we’ve just been busy rebuilding... that thing did a lot of damage...”

“O-oh, it’s perfectly fine. I’ve had so much to do myself, and Anthony stopped by-” I flinch as Rainbow Dash raises her eyebrows, and I retrace what I said, in case I said something offensive. I don’t think I did, so what is she-?

“Anthony? Really? Well... that’s cool I suppose just a bit.... I figured he’d just been spending all his time cashing in favors and such for taking out that freaky monster.” So she isn’t mad? Then why would she startle like she did at first?

“W-well, he just had dinner, and it was nice. He said he didn’t know we ate fish. We, uhm, we talked about that. And animals, he likes to talk about animals a lot too.” I say, hoping to catch her interest. She’s very rarely interested in my animals, but I know she cares.

“Wow, sounds like you two are getting along... Idunno, he just seemed a little rambunctious to worry about others... what? I know words.” I wasn’t thinking she was dumb! I- I swear!

Either way, though, I shake my head. “No, he was very nice, and he even read a story for me, so I could sleep.”

“Really?” I just nod and Rainbow shrugs. “Guess there’s more to him than a good punching arm after all. I mean, he also helped with some of the rebuilding, too. Heh, guess Pinkie isn’t as nuts as I thought when she said she liked him.” Rainbow switches around to lay on her back, not looking at me, thankfully understanding my problem with eyes. “But I’m not here to talk about him, the demon said something about despoiling you. I originally thought he meant he was gonna... anyways uh, what would a whacked-out thing from Tartarus want with you?”

I shake my head. I don’t want to remember, but I can’t say that, or she’ll worry. “I don’t know.” I hate lying, but I don’t want her to feel like she has to be there for me. I can’t be a burden on her, I just can’t.

“Yeah, figures as much. Like you’d know what it’s after, right? I mean, duh. Just uh, just asking. So you’re alright? I notice that the damage didn’t reach your cottage. How’d your animals get hurt?”

“Oh, the m-monster threw a lot of bricks, a-and other things. Some of the animals got hurt just by accident.” I say, thinking again about the poor manticore cub.

Rainbow nods, thankfully understanding. “So, Ponyville is mostly back to normal, you wanna check around town, see what we could help with whatever’s left?”

“Oh, yes, I need to pick up some more bandages, some cherries for Angel’s dinner, and a few bags of rice and corn.” I say, thinking about the list. Thankfully, I don’t have to ask for help, though I would’ve done it without if she hadn’t wanted to help.

“Sounds like a lot of stuff. I’ll help ya carry ‘em back.” Rainbow rolls off the couch onto her hooves and heads for the door. “Ready when you are, ‘Shy.”

Thankful, I follow her, pausing only to pick up my saddlebags, and follow her. I mean, it’s my errand, but I don’t want to be presumptuous. I just hope everypony isn’t staring at me again. They’ve been whispering about me, but only when I haven’t been looking. It’s been happening whenever I go out, ever since the word got out that the monster was after me. I take a deep breath and follow Rainbow Dash into Ponyville as she points out landmarks of damage from the demon and the status of the town’s repair.

“So the Apple Family came by and helped, and it went pretty well with all the help. It’s a good thing we decided to build houses out of stone and covered it with hay. Houses went up like crazy and supports fell, but overall most houses were still standing.” Rainbow fills me in on the various small jobs that are still going on and why. “Over there...” She points to a large charred spot on the ground, and I can’t help but imagine some terrible event. “Was where Anthony punched the demon and blew it up. We had to clean up monster bits for a while. The stuff went everywhere and... oh, sorry.”

I’m shaking, and I can’t help it. There’s too many shadows, and everypony’s watching me, and they’re judging me. I- I can’t take it, not today!”

I turn to flee, my wings helping propel me along as I head for home. Warm home, safe home. Dodging the shadows, the leering eyes... it’s too much!

“Hey, wait, I’m sorry!” I barely hear Rainbow’s words, before I’ve already gotten home and hidden under the bed, where I keep a spare lantern ready to light at a moment, and I stay there.

~Rainbow Dash~

Wow, I screwed that up... I didn’t mean to... wait it’s not my fault, everypony just stares at Fluttershy now since the demon attack. I don’t know why, but I know they know she hates that. And the way she was with the animals I’d say she’s got enough on her plate as it is.

I glare at everypony who was staring at Fluttershy and they back off. Sighing I decide to help out and do Fluttershy’s shopping for her. Let’s see. She wanted bandages, cherries... corn... uh... oh yeah, grain!

I look around at the shop stalls and find a produce area. Not sure where Fluttershy goes to get those giant bags she always buys though, most ponies sell them in small boxes. I go up to a stall selling cherries and get a few, she said she only needed some. “Hey.” I ask the mare at the counter once I pay. “You know where I could get some corn? Like, in...” What was that term, I never do this shopping thing much for a reason... “Bulk, that’s it. Bulk bags of corn or grain?”

“Sure, Rainbow Dash!” The mare replies and I grin. It does feel nice to be recognized. “That store over there has what you’re looking for.”

I thank her and head over to the store and note that it’s one of those bigger stores that seems more at home somewhere like Manehattan. Oh well, if they have what my friends need I guess it’s not all bad. Just hope they don’t start building skyscrapers on Ponyville, I like being able to fly around without worrying about crashing into somepony’s home.

I find the bags, simply labelled “Corn” and “Grain” in big letters on the tightly woven bags. They’re almost bigger than I am though. How does Fluttershy carry these things? I grab one with my teeth and try to pull it off the shelf, but that puts a lot of strain on my neck so I just grab it with my hooves and drag it, flapping furiously trying to lift it. Why is this corn so darned heavy?

Soon enough I get it to the front counter. The stallion behind the register sees my efforts and grins, handing me a pulley with wheels. “For carting it home. Just bring it back, miss.”

I look back and see a few ponies using it while they do their shopping. Dangit... Oh well. I pay for the animal stuff and, waitaminute. “Hey, how come this stuff is so cheap?”

“Bulk purchases are lowered in price as it helps move merchandise quickly, and to encourage you to come back when you run out.”

“Really? You sure this isn’t just some kinda... Idunno, it just seems way too heavy and way too much stuff for just four Bits.”

“If you think you ought to pay more, you’re free to I suppose, but-”

“Just take the Bits...” I sigh and the stallion takes the money. That is... really weird. But I did get a lot for only a bit of money... maybe they sell other stuff in ‘bulk’ beyond just animal feed. That said, the pulley-thing makes moving these things a breeze... just wish I could fly with this thing. I hate being grounded... sighing I walk back to Fluttershy’s.

Loyalty. Doing something for someone even if it doesn’t benefit you in any way. That’s the way Twilight describes it. Guess that does fit me, I’m certainly getting no fun out of this. But it’s normal, not loyalty, right? I mean, we’re friends and that’s what friends do... Oh well, not like being an Element hurts my PR.

I take another look around the town and I do recall that the damage is a bit more severe than it usually is. I mean, with Discord everything was just zapped back to normal, and with the usual monsters it’s only one or three houses destroyed. We should be finished cleaning up the town yesterday by now. And that thing didn’t look anything like I imagine a demon from Tartarus looks like, but what else could it be? Still, I’ve faced my share of monsters, but that thing unnerved me. It didn’t scare me, hah, no way, but still... Haven’t seen anything like that before, and I’ve never seen Ponyville take such a beating either.

And Anthony looked really messed up but he wasn’t worried about himself. His first question was about Ponyville. He doesn’t even live here... kinda. Then he heads over to check on Flutters? I mean, when he showed up he was just a pain. So full of himself, insulting us, and all. Now he’s being a nice guy. Did somepony hit him with the Elements somehow or something? Nobody makes a switch like that. I still don’t trust him, but... we do owe him a lot.

Ugh, stallions, so confusing. Especially ones that aren’t ponies.

I get to Fluttershy’s house and knock on the door but, as expected, she’s not answering so I just leave the supplies by her door and fly off, returning the pulley-thing. Wonder what everypony else thinks of Anthony... I can’t be the only one who still doesn’t trust him completely, right?

But he got Flutters to talk to him. Maybe I should ask Applejack.

“So whaddya think, AJ? I mean one day he’s messing with us, the next day he saves us.”

Applejack sighs, and leans on the fence between us. “Ah have ta say, Ah’m not too sure myself. Ah mean, he hasn’t caused any real harm, but somethin’ about him just doesn’t sit right with me. Every time he says his name, in fact, Ah feel like he’s tryin’ to get away with something. But it’s not like someone would lie about their name, right? He ain’t in his home, so it’s not like he’d have to worry even if he was a criminal.” she says. It’s always weird to hear her go on and on about something, but I guess if all you’re doing is bucking apples, thinking’s the only other things you can do.

I nod. “Yeah, but what would he be a criminal of if he is? I mean, sure he’s a jerk, but... I gotta admit, he beat that monster for us, and even helped rebuild. Bad guys don’t help other ponies, right? And then he goes to check on Fluttershy. So if he’s not a bad guy, what do you think he’d be lying about his name for? What’s so important about hiding a name anyway?”

Applejack shrugs. “No idea, sugarcube. But it’s been botherin’ me like crazy. Ah don’t know if that’s just me, or if it’s me bein’ the Element of Honesty and all that. Ah don’t even know if there is a difference, to be honest.” she cracks a smile at her choice of words,a nd I do too.

“Heh, well as the Element of Loyalty, I have to say that bad guys don’t stick around and help out victims. I mean, Fluttershy said they talked over dinner and he read her a story...” A thought comes to me. “You don’t think he’s gonna try courting her, do ya?”

“Ah don’t know. And ah think a certain party gal has her eyes set on him anyways, RD.”

“Got that right. I wonder if he even notices though. That could be trouble. Pinkie isn’t one to take denial lightly.” I shudder at what happened last time she thought we were giving her up or whatever. “You think we should, Idunno, do something?”

AJ shakes her head. “Ah don’t have the time to be playin’ matchmaker, and Rarity’s more the type anyhow. Besides, he’ll notice eventually, she ain’t bein’ too subtle about it. I mean, I saw her browsin’ Roseluck’s shop for pink flowers, and you know what that means.” she says, and I nod in agreement. It’s feathers for pegasi, flowers for earth ponies, and rings for unicorns. Those novels were good for some learning, after all.

“Yeah. Still, he’s being real nice with Fluttershy all of a sudden. Maybe he’s just trying to help her cope, but isn’t that my- er, our job?”

Applejack shakes her head. “It’s her friends’ job, and Ah’m not one to monopolize that. She’s allowed to have other friends, after all.” she says, level-headed as usual.

“Yeah... but not friends that rub us the wrong way, right? I mean... look at the way he acts with Twilight. She can take it, but what if he starts treating ‘Shy that way?”

“Well... does he?” she asks, and I have to admit, he doesn’t. But still... nopony’s that different-acting around different friends, right? I mean, I know not to push ‘Shy too hard, when I remember, but I’ve also known her forever!

“No... but maybe we should be careful, you know? Watch out for Fluttershy. And Pinkie too. He’s weird, and not always in the good way. I wonder what Twilight’s managed to figure out about him. She said she was gonna do some work on him, didn’t she?”

“Somethin’ like that. I thought she said she was writin’ some notes, too. Might be helpful in case a body snatcher or some other crazy thing gets his powers instead. He at least doesn’t go on rampages.”

“Yeah, but he does tend to act like a foal sometimes, hey, wanna come with me and check on Twilight? See how things are going?”

“Nah, Ah got some chores to do t’day. Ah can keep an eye on him another time, if he ever decides to hang out here; t’ be straight with ya, he doesn’t come ‘round here often.”

“Huh, strange... if he’s willing to make the trip to see ‘Shy, you’d think he might come up here. Didn’t Applebloom invite him over that one time? What was he like?”

“Ah didn’t see much of ‘im, actually.”

“Oh, just dinner then. Still, he’s quite the strange guy. That said, I’ll see what Twi’s got on him, maybe we can figure out a way to get him to loosen up. Or whatever he needs. Seeya later Applejack.” With a wave goodbye, I rocket off the ground. That’s another thing that bugs me about his weird powers. That glowing thing and how fast he is. I mean, I beat him in that race but... it’s pretty dangerous to pull a Sonic Rainboom so close to the ground, but I’d have lost without it. I’d have lost. I know everyone says I’m a sore loser, but that’s mainly because I don’t lose, it just doesn’t happen! At least not with races. And then this guy comes in and just starts glowing and he’s faster than me... almost faster than me!

I shake my head to clear it. Don’t wanna crash into Twi’s window like last time. I touch down on the balcony and tap on the door but get no response. Probably in her basement again. I walk inside and down the steps and sure enough there’s Twilight, but the place looks trashed, nothing like the way she usually keeps it. “Woah... what happened down here?”

“A successful experiment! Mostly.” Twilight says, though that doesn’t really mean anything, so she might as well have not answered.

“If this is a success, what would a failure look like?” I look around at the damage and paper everywhere.

“Well, if containment had failed, it would’ve looked like, well, a crater the approximate size of Ponyville.”

Uuuh... that’s not good, but doesn’t explain what she was doing that might blow everypony up. I notice Spike helping with the cleanup and decide to ask him, he’s good at translating Twilight’s vague... stuff. “What were you doing down here?”

“Uh, Twilight said it was a test of Anthony’s limits, for his electrical powers. I’m not actually sure what most of this data’s for, but Twilight thinks it’s helpful.”

Uh... huh. Well then. Waitaminute. “Anthony did this? What did you do, make him super mad again? Say, where is he, shouldn’t he be... Idunno, helping clean or whatever?” If he sticks around to look after Fluttershy, shouldn’t he also take responsibility for making a mess like this?

“Oh, no, I just had him charge as much as he could, and discharge into a set of conductive panels inside the shaped-matrix isolation cells. As for the notes, they need to be collated in order, and I can’t do that with too many distractions. As well, Anthony wandered off before I could request his help.” The last part is grumbled, and I can totally understand. It sucks when you can’t get someone to help ‘cuz you didn’t think to ask in time.

“Looked more like Pinkie dragging him through the wall to me.” Spike adds. “Twi tried to turn Anthony into a pony but she just made Pinkie look like Anthony, and then Pinkie started glowing and flying. And she had these huge... things on her.”

“Weird.” That said, Pinkie running off with Anthony only has so many results, and with her the way she is... this may not be so bad. I remember Rarity blabbing about stallions acting weird and just needing a special somepony to set them straight. Heh, maybe Pinkie is helping him cool off right now. Still... “What do you mean she looked like Anthony?”

“Well, she looked a little different, cuz she was kinda curvier, but she looked like a human. I think that’s what Anthony called himself, right?” he thinks about for a second before nodding.

“Yes.” Twilight replied, not looking up from her organization. “And had she stayed I’d have a chance to study female human anatomy. But, well, Pinkie was being Pinkie. That said, she did exhibit properties similar to Anthony, and she was giving off even more stellar energies than Anthony does. Well, not as much as he did when he was charging his powers but-”

I blink at Twilight and she sighs.

“Alright, alright. Pinkie had powers like Anthony did. That means that if something manages to take control of him-”

“Like a body-snatcher!” I blurt out. “I was thinking the same thing!”

“Well... they wouldn’t even have to snatch his body, merely copy him and they could do whatever he could for however long they can hold the spell.”

A thought runs through my mind. “So, if a Changeling somehow copied him, do you think... Idunno, they could make an army of Anthony’s?”

Twilight’s expression becomes grim. “Or worse. As I stated, when Anthony’s form was transferred to Pinkie she showed even more power on a general basis. For all intents and purposes, it seems Pinkie unlocked some potential that Anthony hasn’t yet.”

My eyes go wide. “So, you’re saying that if you did the same thing and gave me his powers, I’d be faster than him? I mean I am already but... just hypo-thematically.”

“Hypothetically, but yes. In fact, you might transcend beyond conventional concepts of speed, which could be extremely bad. As such, I’d rather if you didn’t speak of this to anypony, alright?”

“Alright, alright. Just wondering... wait, what do you mean transcend speed? Like... like that thing Anthony did where he moved while standing still with the demon fight?” Twilight looks at me sternly. “What, I’m not talking about it with anypony, I’m talking about it with Spike!”

“No, she meant breaking the barriers of conceptuality and potentially exiting the universe into the formless void beyond where unspeakable horrors would take note, tear you apart and then invade Equestria.” Spike says, then pauses. “Maybe. Or you’d just go really fast.”

“For real? You mean Anthony could do that? Just... what rip open a hole to Tartarus by running?”

Twilight sighs. “Not Tartarus. The void between realities. And monsters don’t live there Spike, there’s likely just an empty void of nothing. But tearing a hole to it would still be dangerous, now we are done talking about this, it’s too dangerous to even think about.”

“Fine fine... just saying it might be neat to be the first pegasus to go into this void-thingy. So where do you think Pinkie took Anthony?”

“I have honestly no idea, they went through a wall into the solid ground. And they were moving fast enough that I’m not sure there’s been a spell invented that could track them without a previous lock on them.” Twilight says, throwing papers in the air in frustration, collecting them on the way back down and organizing them.

“Ah.”

Suddenly the door upstairs slams open and I hear rapid hoofsteps. “Twilight! You gotta make me like Anthony again, the spell wore off and we haven’t found Rainbow Dash yet- Oh, uh... Hi Rainbow Dash!”

“No!”

Jump to top

Chapter 24

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Jump to top

Chapter 25

The next day -

It’s a perfect day for an indoors party: the weather was scheduled for rainy until tomorrow morning. Still, this’ll be a good chance to just mingle, have fun, and party. Also, show off, because I can.

I first look out for Vinyl, since we haven’t chatted for a while and I want to show her my new instrument. I think she’ll like it a lot.

I check out the large building booked specifically for the party, and see that Vinyl is over by the stage already, levitating one large box at a time onto the stage itself.

“Heya, Scratch. Gettin’ set up?”

“Yo! Anthony! How’re you doin’, buddy?”

“Fantastic! I even might join you in entertaining the crowd, I got something that is just awesome!” I hold up the lyre.

“Sweet strings! I just need to unpack my gear, if you’ll gimme a sec, we can hang ‘till the party.”

“Awesome, and I’ll get a chance to give these ponies a taste of human music. You might like it.”

“I didn’t know you play, dude. You’ll have to give me a demo once this is all set up.”

“You got it. So, how’s Tavi doing? She back in Canterlot?”

“What, and miss a Pinkie Party of this size? As if. My ‘cuz isn’t party-shy or anything. She’s got a gig this weekend, though.”

“Awesome. I’d like to show her what strings can really do. Well, some strings that is.”

“That must be one hell of a harp to warrant that kind of confidence. Huph, there we go. I just need to plug in these speakers, and I’m all set for the night.” I turn and look at the speakers she’s talking about, each of them almost as tall as I am. They’re all pointed towards the dance floor, and they light up like something out of Tron once they’re plugged in. Best. Party. Ever.

“Well as I said before, it’s not the instrument, it’s the musician. You give it a try.” I hand her the lyre so she can give it a shot, knowing full well it’s going to be far from fantastic.

She puts up a hoof. “Nah, the only strings I’m good with are violins and banjos, and one of those are banned from Canterlot.”

“You play the banjo? Dude, you gotta show me some time. Until then, here’s a song called Points and Authority.”

My hands dip into my Spark’s power, shadows turning to night where they touch the harp. I brush the strings, and the song pours forth. I sing along, my voice altered to sound like it’s coming through a radio in the process. My voice normalizes with the song, and Vinyl watches in awe.

“Dude! that was awesome! I could hear, like, drums and a guitar in there! Man, I don’t know what kind of enchantments you got on that harp-a-ma-jig, but you better hold onto it! That thing must be worth a fortune.” She laughs and elbows me in the hip. “But before we get all serious, how about we get some grub? I know this place that sells the best fish-salad. You eat fish, right?”

“I was worried that unicorns didn’t. Let’s go, I could use a bite to eat. Haven’t eaten in... five days.”

“Woah, man, starvation is no joke. You need to get an assistant - it’s what unicorns who don’t eat tend to do.”

“I don’t need to eat much though.” I Spark up again. “You think this is just a pretty lightshow? Ask the locals, I blew off a demons head!”

“Yeah, dude, there’s been tabloids and newspaper reports for the last month and a half. You’re a big name these days.” Vinyl laughed as she led me out the door. “Anyways, you like milkshakes? It’s been awhile since I’ve been in the po-nay-ville, but if Maestro Gourmet still has a restaurant here, then he still owes me a favor. He makes the most awesome milkshakes ever.”

“Heh, yeah I like shakes. I just wonder how long they’ll be able to keep printing news about me when I’ve only done one major thing. Though I guess it is pretty major. You should see some of my fan mail. You ponies are either desperate or just really horny.”

Vinyl laughs. “Well, as you can see by my forehead, I am rather horny. But nah, they’ll keep printing for a while.” She grinned further. “Especially since there’s a rumor running strong that you went on a date with one of the Elements of Harmony, being perpetuated by somepony named ‘Amorous Intent’.”

“Well, I don’t know where he or she gets her info, but it wasn’t a date. Well actually... no, it wasn’t a date. Besides, the circumstances were a bit different.”

“Ooh? Do tell!” Vinyl flashed me a grin over her glasses, her magenta eyes sparkling. “I can get good money for quashing a rumor. Or giving evidence for it.”

“So could I, probably. Anyway, Twilight tried a spell that was suppose to make me a pony. She messed up and turned Pinkie into a human.” I let that sink in for a moment and continue. “Now, I’m not too crazy about you ponies, but Pinkie as a human? Damn she was fine!” I give her a grin. “But it wasn’t a date.”

“Wow, you sound like one of Octy’s suitors when they think they’re in the clear just ‘cuz they’re near the brash, crass Vinyl Scratch. Heh, man are they wrong.” She chuckles. “Alright, I won’t go spreading that around, too many ponies would just turn into humans and throw themselves atchya.”

“Heh, throwing themselves is easy. Touching me on the other hand...” I Spark up once more and walk through a tree on the side of path. “Now that’s the challenge.”

“Yeah, but imagine having all those grubby, stuffy unicorns-turned-humans passing through you. They’d be touching you in places not meant for contact!” Vinyl points out with a laugh.

“Ya got me there, yeah, I don’t think I want that hassle.”

We get to the restaurant and I get us a table while Vinyl turns for the back of the place. “Anyway, I’m gonna go see about cashing in that favor.”

I sit at the table and wait. I hold up the lyre and think about what Twilight said. It’s supposed to be held by a constellation. That pony in the park said her name was Lyra, just like the constellation, and Twilight mentioned that there are stellar creatures... Was that how that Heartstrings mare knew so much about me? She’s a stellar being like me? It would certainly explain a lot... but why give me this? It’s a kickass party trick, but she must have had some reason for it. Maybe Luna would know.

But I don’t care what Luna says or does, I’m definitely keeping this. It’s mine now, and that’s that.

I get a bit bored so I pull out some coal and start messing with it, making it float in front of my face, swirling around as dust or solidifying into various shapes. I just set it aflame and keep it hovering in front of me, staring at the flickering blaze. The coal starts to wear down as the fire eats at it, so I put it out and think about the various uses. I pull out a bit more coal and form it into a simple, three-fingered claw shape. I watch as I make it work it’s joints, opening and closing. I add more coal to it until I’ve used about half my stash.

I make it form a normal human hand, roughly the size of mine. It’s not a perfect representation, but decent enough. I make my floating construct wiggle its fingers, form a fist, and use it to give a random pony the finger while they’re turned away. Heh.

I look to the table and I see the salt and pepper shakers. I have the hand float over and it picks up the salt shaker with just as much precision as a normal human. I have the coal-hand hold up the shaker and then set it down, switching to the pepper, which I order the hand to drop into my normal human palm, which it does, obviously. Turning back to the hand, I reshape the fingers, making them thinner and more curved, making a set of claws. I don’t know why, but I feel mesmerized by my control over it. I mean it’s expected, it’s coal after all, but I’ve never made something like a hand before. Something so complex and intricate, yet simple in shape...

The way I can just... order it to move, to wave, pick things up as if it were a part of me. It’s hypnotic, like I’m connected to hit. Like it’s my hand. But that illusion is shattered once I have it pick up the salt shaker and there’s no nervous signal of me holding it. Of course there isn’t, it’s not even connected to me, and yet... that doesn’t matter. It’s still me controlling it. Then I realize something.

If I’d have thought of this earlier, I could have fixed Granny Smith’s sink without even touching that disgusting sludge! I mentally facepalm, but unfortunately, my coal-hand thinks I gave it an order, and I end up smacking myself in the face with a piece of coal, which then falls to my lap now that I’m not thinking about holding it up. I guess I need a bit more practice with this ‘focus’ thing than I thought.

Vinyl sauntered back towards me, a trio of drinks in her grip, and a little placard with a number on it.

“Here ya go... wait, what’s up with your face, dude?” She looks at me, an eyebrow quirked. It looks like she’s trying to hold back laughter.

I realize the facepalm must have left a coal-dust imprint on me. “Aw, it’s nothing.” I hold up my hand and pull the dust away from my face and into my hand, and told it to go back in my coal pouch.

Vinyl shakes her head mirthfully. “Ha, well, you should put it back on. That face-paint look was gnarly. Anyways, here’s your drink, these two are mine.”

I take the milkshake and take a sip. Chocolate, awesome.

“Oh, yeah, I ordered a fish platter to split, Maestro’s working his magic in the back. Said he’ll bring it out for us. Oh, that reminds me, you got any plans for the party itself, when you’re not performing? I’m planning to hit the dry bar. Pinkie never brings anything with alcohol, but I’m fine with the punches she usually brings in. I hear they’re local-brewed.”

“Huh, I kinda passed up the chance during my Ponyville Initiation party awhile back. As for ideas, not really. Though I do wonder, how well would most ponies take dark music?”

Vinyl shrugged, then gulped down part of her first drink. “I guess it depends on the pony. Around here, I have no idea, but I think there’ll be foals around. Still, most ponies should be fine, as long as it isn’t too negative. Harmonic Magics and all, y’know.”

“Well, I had one planned, but now that you mention foals... I think I have a better one. No less intense though.” The mention of Harmonic Magics intrigues me, but I’ll just ask Twilight later about it.

“Well, if it’s good and has a strong beat, ponies will like it just fine.” Vinyl throws back another gulp of her drink, finishing it off. Wait, two gulps for a drink that size? Huh.

“Oh trust me, it’s good. At least it is if you ask me. You a fan of hard rock? It’s real popular in my world.”

“Hard rock? Sounds like farm music to me. You got lotsa lithoculturalists where you come from?” What’s a lithoculturalist?

“Uh, what?”

“Y’know, rock farmers. Like Pinkie’s folks.”

I pause at that. Pinkie’s parents farm rocks? The heck? “...I’ll ask later. Anyway, no, we don’t have rock farmers. In this case, it refers to Rock and Roll that’s a bit heavier than typical. I’ll give you a chance to hear it at the party.”

“Rock and Roll? Weird name for a type of music. Anyways, We should-” she’s cut off as a large platter of fish, with seven beautifully cooked and presented fish, is set in front of us. I look over, and stop for a second. Then, I look up, and am now staring at a very large, imposing gryphon. The gryphon’s silvery-white feathers fade to a golden-brown past his head and neck, and he’s wearing a white chef’s smock, with a bandoleer of cooking implements over one shoulder. At least three types of cleaver are visible.

“Maestro! That was prompt, you’re getting faster, dude.” Vinyl held out a hoof, to which the gryphon - apparently Maestro - gave a stern, serious bump with his claw, held in a fist.

“I am always seeking to improof myself, Mezz Scratch. And you, mezzer Anthony. Your fighting is very beeindruckend, ah, impressive. Mezz Scratch, she take good care of me when I needed help, I am sure that that she vill take good care uff hyu too.” his accent seemed to get thicker the more he spoke. It was a touch curious, but what had my real attention was the fact that he was a bit taller than Cadence, and might have been a contender for Celestia.

“I don’t really know what you mean by her taking care of me, but if Vinyl’s telling the truth, this is gonna be some great fish.”

“I vould not let it be less for ze one who sayffed my Gaststätte, my humble place uff food. She takes good care uff her friends, she is good pony to haff, as zey say, ‘on hoof’, ja? Good to haff around.”

“I think I’d agree with that.” I turn to Vinyl. “Never pegged you for a hero. You got a costume stashed in with your equipment back there?”

“Oh, I’ve got costumes, but they aren’t public appropriate, if you catch my drift.” Vinyl’s smile grew a little wider. “What Maestro here is talking about is when he first started this place up, all the ponies around here were terrified of him. I didn’t really care, so I start coming here. Once ponies saw I wasn’t being attacked and devoured whenever I went in, they started showing up, too. Saved his place from having to be shut down from lack of income.”

“Wait, devoured? Unless what I know of gryphons is wrong, they don’t eat ponies.” I turn to the chef beside me for clarification.

“Though it is not prepared any more, the recipe for tartar, pony steak, is still passed down the generations. And I doubt my frau, my wife, would appreciate if I did not... ‘eat her’ at least once a night. Would be bad for relationship, ja?”

“Heh, yeah, I keep hearing tartar be mentioned. This place must be different, because at home, the stuff is made with cow.”

“Would just be steak then, would it not?” Maestro points out, quirking a feathered eyebrow.

“We have tons of words for other words, it’s kind of annoying. But yeah, I’m looking forward to this fish. It certainly smells really good.”

My stomach rumbles, and I look down to see that, while I’ve been talking, Vinyl has already dug into the fish on the other side. In fact, she’s almost done, and I scramble to catch up, tearing into the delicious, delicious fish.

A near-overload of tastes hits me like a wall, spices and and herbs riding the flavor of the fish across my senses. It’s like eating a piscine piece of heaven. The fish is slightly flaky, and just juicy enough to practically melt in my mouth.

Before too long, I’ve finished three fish, and Vinyl has done the same, the last fish sitting between us. Maestro has gone back to the kitchen already, preparing food for the other patrons of the restaurant. I take the moment to look around, and see that it’s mostly pegasi and earth ponies. In fact, Scratch is the only unicorn in the joint. Makes sense. Flutters said that most unicorns don’t eat fish. No surprises here. I look at the last fish, then at Vinyl.

“I could fight you for it, but I’m not in the mood.” I pull out some coal and, making a solid, sharp cleaver blade, chop it in half as best I can. “Neat trick, huh?”

Vinyl, already looking a bit tubby from the three large fish in her rather small belly, scoffs. “You’re just avoiding a fight with me ‘cuz I’d win from sheer awesomeness.” One half of the fish levitates over to her side of the wide platter.

I sigh. “Why can’t more of these ponies be like you? The place would be at least eight times less lame.”

Vinyl waved a hoof and swallowed the mouthful of fish she’d gotten. “Mmph, if everypony were as awesome as I, the universe would explode. It’s strained already from the League of DJs, anyhow.”

I just give her a grin and grab my half of the fish. “Yeah, that would be bad. I wouldn’t have any more adoring fans.” I then take a big bite out of the fish. It looks kind of like salmon of some kind.

The two of us eat the remainders of our fish, trading quips and well-intentioned insults back and forth the entire time. Afterwards, Vinyl gives a loud, table-rattling belch, then thumps herself on the chest. “Drat, didn’t get it at full force. What about you, man?” I hear the gryphon in the back call out a gruff ‘you’re welcome!’ as I prepare my own.

Guess I don’t have to hold back. I haven’t done this in a while, but I’m gonna give it a shot anyway. A strong, windy belch echoes forth, but I can’t seem to get the volume I wanted, nor the timber I needed. Still, Maestro calls out another ‘you’re welcome!’, so I must’ve done alright.

“Ah, so much better.” Vinyl slumps back in her seat. “By the way, dude, never do that in Canterlot. It’s polite around gryphons, pegasi, and earth ponies, but most unicorns are a bunch of uptight snobs. ‘Specially in the big C.”

I roll my eyes in agreement. “Yeah, when I was around there, the most fun I had was at the club, in the mall’s toy section, and chatting with the princesses. How do they not keel over from boredom?”

“‘Cuz they have art museums, where the artwork they paid for or made themselves gets cooed over by their sycophants and allies, or boo’d at by their enemies and detractors.” Vinyl’s response was cool in tone, and I could see her brows furrow behind her glasses.

“Yeah, art galleries are not really my thing. I prefer parties... which we should probably attend, considering guests might have started arriving by now. You know Pinkie’s parties. Early arrivals are the norm.”

“Pfft, the party don’t start ‘till I trot in. ‘Sides, we’ve gotta work off this food somehow, or I’m gonna pass out in the DJ booth.”

“So what? We run laps around town?”

“Nah, we’ll just jog to the party in a few minutes. First, though, let’s get one more milkshake each.”

“Sounds good. I really can’t wait to show you and all these ponies what music I listen to.”

“Heh.”

As we waddle back to the building the party’s booked at, the Cloudburst Begins, and we’re soaked almost instantly.

“Nice try, but you pranksters will have to do better than that.” I enter my Heat form and evaporate all the water off of me.

Vinyl looks over at me, her ‘do already waterlogged and flat. “Dude, the rain’s scheduled for today, it must be three already. I guess we’d better hurry after all. DJ-PON3 hasn’t been late to a gig yet, and I don’t plan on that changing!”

“Right, rain schedule. Forgot. I guess I’m just used to this prank war. Pinkie and Dash are going down someday.” I grin. “You uh, gonna need some help drying off when we get inside?”

She nods, her mane flopping in the rain.

We step inside, and the first thing she does is shake like a dog, her entire coat and mane poofing out. While this means her mane is back to being in those natural spikes I’m used to, the rest of her looks so... poofy!

“Ha! Oh man I wish I had a camera! This is gold!”

“Ah, just dry me already!” Vinyl sounds a touch disgruntled.

I begin generating heat again and wave my hands around her body, heating her up to dry her off. The heat drying leaves her entire body still poofy, no matter what she does to try smoothing it down. Honestly, it’s very cute, but I can understand it’d totally ruin her hardcore DJ persona forever.

“And that’s why you shouldn’t shake. You end up looking like a giant stuffed animal.”

“Argh! I’m so fluffy I could die!” Vinyl shouts, while trying to pat her fur down. Deciding to help, I try petting her fur back into place, keeping my hands warm, to act kind of like hair straighteners.

She smile and leans into my ministrations, and I realize she’s falling asleep when she sort of tips towards me, and I have to pat her on the face to make her wake up.

“Oh, sorry dude. Those fingers are awesome. Hey, if I get my hoof chopped off, you think they could make a robot arm with fingers on it, like in those comic books?”

I shrug with disbelief. “Probably not. Well, maybe, but it might not work exactly the way you expect.”

“Ooh, but think of the possibilities!” She starts heading towards the stage’s side entrance. “All the things I could do... all the ponies I could do them to...” She grins widely, obviously thinking of what she could do with a robo-hoof-hand.

“I can probably think of all the things you’re imagining.” I say, wiggling my fingers. “But trust me, if you chop off your hoof and find out that they can’t replace it, you might as well paint ‘idiot’ over your Cutie Mark.”

“And then, the hangover the next morning will be the least of my problems.” Vinyl quips back, and we step up onto the stage.

“Alright, I’ll let you do your thing, miss Master DJ. I’m thinking I’ll give a few sample songs of my own later.”

“Alright, fine. You go mingle, I’ll hold the fort. Thanks for the dry-off and brush down, man.”

“Aw, it’s the least I could do.” I then give her a grin. “Count yourself lucky I decided to not leave you with a poofy rear-end.” I walk off to hang around the other party guests, chuckling at the mental image.

I wade out into the sea of ponies who’ve showed up, and I get a big hello from Pinkie. She still makes me smile just by being herself, even if ‘we’ won’t go anywhere. Besides, friendship is all I really need. I just needed to get that kiss outta my system. I find a place to sit down and just relax. I figure it won’t be long before someone comes over and wants to chat with the ‘Hero of Ponyville’.

The first pony that comes up is accompanied by a parent, and the little filly comes over and puts a hoof on my leg. It looks like her parent is going to pull her back, but I just say. “You know, if ya wanna know something, you can just ask, little filly.”

The filly looks up at me with big, soft eyes. “Can I have a hug?”

The mother, apparently thinking I don’t like kids or something reaches out to pull her daughter back. Killjoy parents are annoying. I pick up the filly and give her a hug. Not very hard, but still firm enough to constitute an actual hug rather than just a light hold.

The filly snuggles into my embrace, eliciting a smile from me. I chuckle as I put her down gently. The mother looks disapprovingly at her child. If it weren’t for the fact that the two look almost identical, I’d have a hard time telling they’re related, actually, given how differently they act.

The mother pulls her daughter away, muttering angrily at the child. I can’t really do much more than make a scene, and decide not to push it. That said, if I see a way to give that filly a brighter day in the future, I’m taking it then and there. In fact, that gives me an idea. I’ll have to ask Rarity if she can make me a shirt that says “Free Hugs” on it...

“Anthony! It’s so good to see you here at the party!” I don’t get a chance to respond before Pinkie has glomped me, hugging me close for a moment, then letting me go.

“Well, it is for me, and even though the first one for me didn’t really last that long, I attended, didn’t I?” I boop her nose.

“Heehee! Yupperoonie, you sure did. Hey, you should play some games with me in a little bit! There’s all sort of party games available tonight!” Pinkie doesn’t wait for a response before pronking into the crowd. For being a neon-pink bouncing pony, she disappears in crowds eerily easily.

When she mentioned party games, the first thing in my head was ‘Twister’ but then I remembered that, being quadrupedal, it might be either really easy, or near-impossible for them. What else would they have?

As I try to think of possible pony party plans, another of the colorful equines comes up, a youngish looking mare with a cautious, hopeful look on her face, and at least four friends trying - and failing - to urge her on from the sidelines surreptitiously.

“I, ah, uhm...” Her pick-up lines need some help, I can tell. “Could, I, uh...”

With less than ten syllables spoken, she’s already made herself blush bright enough to call home lost ships through the fog.

“Ye~es?” I ask with a grin, extending the word to urge her to finish her request.

She continues to stumble over her words, blush growing ever redder with every stuttered syllable, and she keep glancing back at her friends. It’s almost a full minute later that she finally says something coherent. “C- could I a-a-ask you t-t-to th- the uhm, dance?”

“Ah, a school dance huh? Well aren’t you the brave mare. I’m not sure if I’d be entirely welcome, but... maybe you’d have better luck asking a stallion. I appreciate the offer though. You’re nice.” I give her a sweet smile, letting her down as gently as I could. I didn’t want to do anything like that, I hated school dances, but I didn’t want to be a jerk.

“N-no, the d-d-dance here. A-at the party.” I see her friends begin looming eagerly behind their friend.

“Well, that’s a different story. I suppose one dance wouldn’t hurt. Sure, why not? Though it might be a bit odd dancing with someone with only two legs, fair warning.” She nods, then runs back to her friends, and the whole group squees and moves off, likely to get a dance for one of the others.

I shake my head and chuckle. I’m a freaking stud. Shame none of them are my type. Human that is.

A tall, well-muscled stallion, perfectly white coat and golden-yellow mane, strides towards me, the crowd parting almost instinctively for him. His advance is like watching a glacier on fast forward, and about as inevitable. He stops right in front of my chair, standing as stiff as a new recruit with a drill sergeant nearby. After several moments of him not moving or saying anything, I decide to speak up, instead of waiting any longer for him to do something.

“May I help you, sir?”

He doesn’t turn to look at me or anything, simply responding, “I am here for observation at the moment, nothing more.”

Hmm, if that stick was any farther up his butt, it’d be photosynthesizing out his ears. “Well, I’m not sure if there’s that much to see. Just a guy who likes a bit of action.” The pony doesn’t respond. For all he does anything, he could be a statue, and I don’t think I’d notice any difference. “You waiting for a goodbye kiss?” I ask with a smirk.

“No.”

Well considering he’s staring straight forward at my crotch area, barely blinking he seems to be wanting something like that. That or it’s just unfortunate height with me sitting here. I’m hoping the latter. “Well, I see no reason to keep you. Seriously though, if you want to be taking notes from heroes or something, I’m not the one you want.”

“No. I will be fine. I am waiting.”

“For what? Me to do something cool?”

“No.” My, isn’t this a stimulating conversation.

“Well, then what is it? As much as I enjoy this riveting chat, it’s becoming rather boring.”

“I am waiting.” He continues to stand, and I notice that he’s stood there long enough that the other ponies have started reacting as if he’s either a piece of furniture or a pillar in the middle of the room. He is really still.

I lean back in the chair and fold my legs. “Okay. Then wait. I don’t have much to do except play some music later. Oh, and dance for a bit I suppose.”

When the pony doesn’t respond, I sigh and decide to stop paying attention. I’ll see if he’s still here when I get back from playing the songs.

I walk up to the stage by Vinyl, Lyre in hand, and wait for her to finish her current set.

As she finishes, I step onto stage, and hold out the Lyre. Vinyl announces that I’ll be providing a song from my homelands, and I chuckle, realizing that these ponies have no idea how awesome what I’m about to do is going to be. I hesitate for only moment when I see that the Soldier Pony is front-row center in front of the stage, once more as still as a weeping angel and almost as creepy.

“Alright everyone. I like your music and all, it’s great. But I wanna show you what us humans call ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll’. This song is called Levitate.”

I Spark up and begin strumming the Lyre, and watch the ponies’ reactions, and only turn back when I realize that part of the song is coming from behind me this time. It seems that the Lyre’s magic is co-opting Vinyl for some of the music.

In moments, almost every pony in the club is hopping, bobbing their heads, just about anything their bodies can do to get the music vibes moving with them. For the entire duration of the song, I play and sing along, the sounds of an entire band pouring from me and Vinyl together.

I’m panting as the song ends, slightly out of breath, but it feels like an almighty rush. I grin out at the crowd, and get ready to blow their minds again as they grin back. I can see Pinkie weaving between ponies to pass out drinks and hors d'oeuvres

“I have another song planned, but it’s... a bit different. I’m not entirely sure how well you’ll like it, but I think I’m gonna give you something a bit... Heavier. This one is a Hard Rock song called Divide.” As soon as I start, I know it’s a huge transition, but I really want to show these ponies what kind of music I like. As an afterthought, I add the coal dust to my face, applying it like quick makeup. With my face decorated with what looks like skull’s eye sockets and a set of fangs, I begin.

The ponies stand stunned for a few moments, but as the lyrics hit them, I see a few heads bob, and a few ponies are starting to smile as well. Almost halfway through, most of the ponies have at least started nodding along, and a few are bouncing in place a little.

I am, however, getting a few unhappy looks from what I’m guessing are the parents, judging by the fact that they have their hooves over a foal’s ears.

I’m not going to stop though, I like this, besides, seems others do as well.

I finish the song, and stay on stage as I remove the coal dust, starting to understand why musicians love to perform so much; it’s a real rush. Although, once more, my star form has picked up the shadows-to-starry-sky effect, and I still my Spark to get rid of the effect.

“So, how was that?” I ask. “I suppose we like our music a bit rough...”

Many ponies, but not all, cheered. About a third seemed to be in favor, half are about neutral, and the rest don’t seem to like it.

“Well, I’m fine with a bit of criticism. Those that enjoyed it, thank you. Those that didn’t, I apologize for having a much different culture from yours, and I forgive you for your racism.” With that and a bow, I walk off the stage.

Right in front of me is the Soldier Pony again, startling me. It’s weird, because I never seem to see him move, after that first time. “Relinquish the artifact.”

I cross my arms and simply reply with, “No.”

Jump to top

Chapter 26

The stallion readjusts himself to be even more solid and imposing, something I didn’t think was possible. “That was not a request. Relinquish control of the artifact, it is not yours.”

I scoff, holding the harp over his head above his reach. “It is now. What, you want it?” I summon some coal from my pouch and have it form a clamp around his muzzle.

For a moment, it holds. Then, he snorts, and the coal dissipates, completely gone. How the-? He’s not even a unicorn!

“Relinquish. The artifact.” He glares at me.

I fold my arms and glare at him. “I don’t think you want to fight me. Bystanders could get hurt, so just run along and take your business elsewhere, asshole.”

“I am not here to fight. I am here to collect the artifact, then return it. Those are my orders.”

“Return it to who? Why don’t I just talk to them?”

“Because Lyra is in trouble, and is not allowed to leave her place. She should not have given the Lyre to you in the first place.”

“We all make mistakes, dude. Finders keepers.”

“You did not merely ‘find’ it, any more than you find the sun in the morning. Now give me the artifact.”

“So Lyra can be saved right? Well, why not I help her, and I keep the Lyre?”

“She is in trouble because she gave you the Lyre. She does not need rescuing, she needs to learn to do what she is directed by Natoque.”

“So she wants to do what she wants, big deal. How about I give it to her, personally? Supposedly, this artifact is incredibly powerful, and I’m not about to trust it with a middleman.”

The stallion snorts angrily. “No. Relinquish it to me at once!” his voice rises, but I’m not very impressed. The demon had way more impressive pipes.

Pinkie hops over, and looks between us. “Hello! Who wants hors d'oeuvres?” A platter of small pieces of cheese, coated in chocolate and speared with a toothpick, sat on the plate.

“Ooh, awesome!” I grab one and pop it into my mouth. I wince at the taste, the first time with Pinkie’s creations. It tastes like stale gouda and overly-sweet milk chocolate. I turn to Pinkie. “So, uh, who’s catering?” At this point I’m not even paying the stallion any mind.

“Uh, I am! Right? Yeah! I’m catering! I got the recipe right, right?”

“Not bad, but just a bit more practice, I’m sure this is a bit different than cupcakes, so you’re allowed a bit of room for error.” I ruffle her mane and return to the stallion. “Are you still here? I don’t care who you are, because I don’t know who you are. How do I know you aren’t gonna steal the Lyre for yourself? How about some proof?”

He leans towards me, lengthening the shadows on his face in what I assume would be an intimidating manner if he wasn’t a good foot and a half shorter than me. “I have no need for the Lyre. That is Lyra’s tool, and I would not be able to utilize it with her degree of finesse. Now, give it to me, that I may return it to her.”

“You think I was born yesterday? I’ve heard just about every lie in the book and then some, I’m not gonna believe anyone I don’t know, especially ones who demand powerful mystical artifacts, claiming to know the owner. If you really wanted her to have it back, take me to her and I’ll give it back to her.”

“She has been derelict of her duties for fifteen nights! She must return to them, and for that she needs the Lyre!”

“Prove it, Captain Starched-Panties.”

The large stallion opens his mouth to say something, but stops when a hoof, blue-green and feminine, pats him on the shoulder.

“Stand down, Galeam, if he’s been this resistant to just handing it over, he won’t go giving it to just anyone.” I look at the new speaker, who is a rather smallish unicorn mare, reddish mane and a cutie-mark of a set of simple scales, one side overflowing with gold, the other with nothing but black smoke.

“I should think not. Seriously, I’m not a moron. Unless I know for sure that Lyra is going to be getting this, I’m not giving it up. Period.”

The mare nods, a pleasant smile on her face. “Alright. We will entrust the Lyre unto you, provided you promise not to allow any but Lyra to take it from you.” Her smile fell, and the room seemed to grow slightly darker. “But take care, this includes ‘lending’ the Lyre to anyone, be they pony or otherwise.”

“Do I look like I’m stupid? I’m not going to give this thing up, especially given the build-up you’ve been giving to how important it is. I may be reckless, but I know when something needs to be taken seriously.”

The mare nodded, and charged her horn, an aura the deep blue of late night or early morning issuing forth. A piece of parchment, glimmering with tiny sparkles of light, issued forth from the aura. Written on the parchment was legalese for ‘don’t lend, give, or throw away the Lyre’, and detailing several gruesome fates for me if I did any of those things, including...

“Denyxtification? What’s that?”

“To be stripped of your star core, and become one with the void.” The stallion says, face stony-blank once more.

“Ooooookay then. And how did I get this core in the first place?”

The mare shrugs, offering up a quill with which to sign.

“Well, I guess I’ll sign, since none of these threats will apply. I’m not letting something like this out of my sight. It’s a killer at parties.” I sign my name, my real name, figuring if Lyra knew, it wouldn’t matter to hide it. “Speaking of parties, I should be getting back to mine, and I promised a mare I would dance with her.”

The unicorn nodded, her smile pleasant again. “Then I shall sign this, and you may be on your way.” She placed her hoof on the parchment next to mine. She pulled her hoof back, and an inky-black hole into the night sky shimmered on the paper. Faint lines connected a series of stars in the shape of her cutie mark.

I give a wave and figure I might as well give a hint that were both on a first-name basis since at this point I can figure out her handle. “Alright, cya later Libra. And tell your friend to pull the stick out of his butt.”

The mare chuckled. “We’ve been trying for centuries, and it just seems to get lodged farther in there.” The stallion’s blank look tipped downward at the edges, turning into an almost-frown.

I walk off to let them do their thing, shaking my head as I go. I did promise that mare a dance, so I decide to look for her through the large crowd. As I step near the dance floor, the mare practically materializes, and I see that Pinkie has pushed her up to me, smiling and grinning as she fades back into the crowd. The young mare grins bashfully.

“Aw, come on. You should feel proud, you have the guts to ask the local alien to dance.” The mare nods, her smile still a little shaky, as she leads me to the dance floor. On the floor, it’s mostly packed with ponies doing fairly typical ‘this area is is super crowded’ dances. There’s only a single open space, and that’s where Twilight is getting her groove on. Or having a seizure-slash-aneurysm-slash-heart attack; it’s a bit hard to tell with that facial expression she has.

“Heh, and she calls me strange. Anyway...” I turn to the mare at my side. “I honestly have no idea how to do this with a pony, so it’s probably gonna be a bit weird, but I’ll try.”

The young mare nods, and opens her mouth to say something, when the music changes. I look towards the stage to see Octavia, of all ponies, standing on a raised part of the stage. She’s holding up an absolutely massive contrabass, at least as tall as she is, standing on her rear hooves. While she’s as impeccably groomed as normal, the contrabass is completely different than expected, with tron lines outlining it and each string lit up a dull white.

Seriously, these ponies have the coolest instruments! If it weren’t for the starfield shadows on my harp and it’s musical capabilities, I’d feel gypped. I wait for Octavia to begin and mutter to myself. “Come on ‘Tavi, let’s see what you got.”

The song starts off a little slow, but quickly builds, and a sense of unadulterated joy flows from the strings. A piano in the back is hooked up to amps to let the entire club hear it and the cello, as Octavia gives her all into the rising music. She even tosses the bow every few moments to tap out a beat, catching the bow and resuming without any interruptions.

All the ponies seem to be dancing differently, each choosing their own way to move on the dancefloor.

I turn to the mare beside me. “Shall we?” I indicate that she should lead, as I don’t understand how this would work.

She just giggles and starts... moving. For a moment I’m lost, before it hits me: just move. This is not a formal dance, so... I just start moving to the music, letting the rhythm just do whatever it wants with me.

Laughing along with the ponies, I barely notice when the music changes, just slowing with the beat like everypony else. For several minutes, I’m just another happy person in a crowd of dozens.

This isn’t like the rave in Canterlot, and definitely not like a concert back home, but... I like this just as much. I feel like I belong here, even if I’m the most different. Life is good.

Finally, the music comes to an end, and every pony and myself in the place all stomp and clap and generally give the applause the artists on stage deserve, Octavia giving a formal bow while Vinyl throws her hooves up like the reigning champion of an arena.

I think of something, then I grin. I turn to the mare and excuse myself. I walk up to the stage and ask Octavia if I can do a slow song as well.

She nods, and Vinyl quickly folds up the temporary stand. I wave Octavia back on as she gets ready to leave, and she smiles. The crowd cheers at me as I return to the front of the stage, the last song apparently forgiven for the most part.

“Alright. This is going to be a very... different song. Just to let you know us humans aren’t all a bunch of metalheads... well, all the time. This is a love song, by the way.” I Spark up and strum the Lyre gently, not bothering to introduce the song this time.

The notes flow out, the soft sounds of a guitar being followed by all sorts of instruments. I sing the song, gently crooning into the mic in front of me. The entire place is enraptured, listening to the notes pouring forth from my fingers, lungs and soul. Octavia is strumming the bass like a giant guitar, and Vinyl is bobbing her head as she provides various snippets to fake at least two other instruments, including the drums.

The song begins to wind down, the final chords being plucked one at a time, before revealing that the song’s not over yet. Playing like my hands are on fire, I barely notice that the starfield effect has crept up my arms from the harp again, all the way to my chest and probably my face, too. The backlighting meant I probably looked like a hole of night pouring out the music the ponies are bouncing to.

Finally, the song came to its actual end, fading out. I let my Spark fade, taking the starfield with it. Once more, I’m breathless and kind of sweaty from the hot stage lights, but it’s such a rush!

The ponies below stomp their approval, shouting and hollering. It takes a moment before the smattering of individuals organize enough to start the crowd chanting a single word.

“En-core! En-core! En-core! En-core!”

I grin and respond. “Well, that depends. Do you want the same song, or a similar one?”

“New song! New song!”

“Alright, let me think...” I take a few moments to think of a nice smooth song, but with a good beat anyway... I grin lightly. “This is going to be a bit different, but I think you’ll like it. This one is called Victorian Vigilante. Just to warn you, it’s a little dark near the end.”

I begin to stroke the strings of the Lyre again, and a jaunty tune begins to pour out, all brass and the gentle piping of an organ grinder. Once more, my Sparked arms become coated in night, and the music flows out through me, and the ponies are all listening to the story of the song, and I can almost feel their silent prayers that the unnamed hero takes out the villain, hanging on every word like I was some kind of prophet or radio star.

I come near the conclusion, and I hear their quieted gasps as the villain seems to get the upper hand... only to lose the fight, and his life. I see a few of the more squeamish ponies blanch at the mention of bloodshed, but most of the earth ponies and pegasi are nodding along and smiling as the song finishes.

Once more, the crowd erupts with applause, and I have to decline another request for an encore. After all, I said I’d go play a few games with Pinkie... I think I did at least. Either way, they sound fun, and I don’t want to miss a good chance to enjoy the party as a whole.

I look around for Pinkie and I’m surprised how such an energetic, brightly colored mare can just hide in a crowd like this. Guess she’s just got a talent for it. Wait... she does. Duh.

Shaking my head, I get ready to find Pinkie, when, lo and behold, I see her wandering through the crowd, grinning happily and holding aloft a platter of hors d'oeuvres and drinks again. “Heya Anthony! Great songs, d’ya want some hors d’oeuvres?” I look at the platter, seeing strawberries dipped in chocolate. Much better than stale gouda. I snag one, and ask if she’d like to go play some of the games like she suggested. For a moment, I could swear she looked surprised, but then she points towards one side of the large room.

“I’ll be over there in a moment, why don’t you go and play a few games ‘till I’m there?” she suggests.

“Sure, take your time. It must be difficult hosting a party this big all by yourself.” I pat her on the head. “Just don’t exhaust yourself.” With that, I head off to find the games area. Seriously, what sorts of games do they have?

I meander through the crowd, moving with the flows, and I get to the games eager to play. To my surprise, Pinkie has beaten me here! I knew she’s fast, but I didn’t know she’s that fast. She could probably give Rainbow Dash a run for her money. I step forward and check out the games.

Pinkie appears to be playing a cake walk, piles of treats and goodies in numbered spots corresponding to spots on the floor up for grabs, a line of happy foals are going around the ring, hoping to get the best prizes for themselves.

The next station over is a game of musical chairs, which has narrowed down to a fierce competition between Rainbow Dash and... Dinky? Dang, you go filly! The two competitors are glaring at each other as they pace around the chair, the bouncy polka repetitive enough to fool the senses if you didn’t pay attention.

The silly, happy music made their glaring eyes seem absolutely ridiculous. I probably shouldn’t interfere, but I soooo want to.

The next one is a classic: pin the tail on the... pony? Okay, it’s a pony picture, instead of a donkey, and appears to be a picture of Pinkie herself, and the sheer number of foals and adults clustered around it appears to indicate it’s a ‘serious’ game around here.

Well, I suppose if it’s played similarly, it’s just as much a game of coordination as many games.

A small mountain of board games go untouched in the next area over, save for three pairs of ponies each playing a game of what looks like chess. However, the pieces are different looking, and move a little differently, I think.

I decide that Pin the Tail would be very odd for me, given my height and all, so that’s out. I decide I might as well give the cakewalk a try, maybe do some musical chairs once Dash and Dinky are done.

I step over to the cakewalk, and am a little surprised to see that Pinkie has dropped out, and that the ring of foals is two deep, and I can’t even get close. The glares here are turning feral, and I even see a couple of foals glaring at adults that get too close to the game. Those must be some epic foods on the prize table.

The foals don’t seem to mind me, and I even find myself being pushed towards the front of the line. Once one of the foals is out, I feel a little head push me into the cakewalk. Almost immediately, the foals take note of me, and I feel the weight of a bajillion tons of hero worship descend upon me. The foals look hungry, and I see them reaching for paper and other autographing supplies with giant grins. What is it with ponies and teeny cute things becoming terrifying?

Well, I guess it’s part of being a world-renowned savior of the people. I resign myself to my fate of adoration and appreciation. But I do clarify that they’ll all get a turn if they stay in single file and go one at a time. Once all the fillies and colts are lined up, I begin my signing. I don’t bother asking who I’m signing for, because then I’d feel compelled to remember all their names, and I just know that’d give me a headache.

I finish the first round of autographs when the cakewalk starts. Right before, however, I see one of the foals get pulled into the crowd, only to be replaced by a strutting Scootaloo. Damn, she’s sneaky. If I hadn’t been looking back to make sure there was no open spaces, I wouldn’t have seen it. Maybe she’s trying to get a ninja cutie-mark? What would that look like? Would it look like anything at all? Why am I think of these things instead of paying attention to the cakewalk? I wonder what it’d be like if I didn’t have a bellybutton... Goddamn my brain.

Either way, though, the cakewalk is going well. The only problem is that a minor shoving problem has begun to arise every time Scootaloo is almost to the ‘grand prize’ spot. I check out what’s in the prize spot for the number, and see a plain metal bowl full of wrapped candy. Each of them is a little ball, with a yellow wrapper with pink twists. Nothing really impressive, is it?

Either way, though, Scootaloo keeps shoving to get there, and then refusing to move until she has to. She’s being particularly rude tonight, and I want to know why. I’m almost willing to drop out, grab her by the scruff of her neck - ponies have scruffs, right? - and demand an answer, if it weren’t for the fact that an adult will likely intervene soon enough.

Wait... all the adults but me are being pushed away from the cakewalk. Crap. I shrug and walk over. Guess I have to be ‘Dad’ for a minute. I pick up Scootaloo, my hands fitting easily around her small barrel. Once I’m holding her a good meter off the ground, I take her to a more open area. “What the hell Scoots!? You hit your head or something?”

She looks at me, her eyes gone big and watery. “N- no...” I practically feel her trying to pull a turtle and tuck her head into her collarbone. I sigh. “What was that all about? It’s just a party game. Nobody cares who wins!”

“B- but I-” She looks like she’s about to cry. What, was she bullied into getting the candy or something? Do ponies build up gambling debts or something at this age? I can’t think of any reason she’d act like this. It’s just mean.

“Seriously Scoots. You know for a fact I hate bullies. I want to like you, you’re nice and all, but I don’t want to be friends with a bully, so just chill out, okay?”

“I- I’m not a- a bully...” her ears go down and her little wings are stuck to her sides like they’re glued there.

I scoff. “You sure act like it, the way you were shoving those other kids around just to win some stupid candy.”

“I just... I wanted to...” she trails off, looking embarrassed and disappointed all in one. “I just wanted to get the candy ‘cuz I- I wanted to... give it to you...”

I think I’m starting to get it. She wants to be my number one fan or something. “Scootaloo, I don’t need candy to appreciate someone. Just be yourself... as long as that doesn’t involve being a total jerk. We’re here to have fun, not win at any cost.” I take a breath. “Winning is fun and all, but how fun is it really when everyone hates you for winning?”

Scootaloo shakes her head sadly, and she still looks a half step from bawling her eyes out.

“Listen, I don’t hate you. I want to be your friend, but I just can’t be friends with a jerk. Just follow the golden rule and I’ll appreciate you more than if you’re a bully who wants to give me stuff.”

“W- what’s the ‘golden rule’?” That really catches me off guard. Shouldn’t, in a society like this, that be encouraged and taught even more?

“The golden rule is to treat other ponies the way you want them to treat you. If you want to be treated with kindness and compassion, you do it first.”

“Oh... okay. I- I’m sorry.” She looks up at me with her eyes pleading. As well, she’s all puffed up again. Pretty sure it’s a pegasus thing, the other ponies don’t do this.

“Well, since I’m such a fantastic guy, I’ll give you another chance, alright?” I give her a hug, and try and see if I can pat down the poofiness. It honestly looks totally silly.

She closes her eyes and leans into the pats, but the poofy isn’t going away. Drat. Still, I think I’m done with the cakewalk for now, and it looks as though Pinkie has moved over to the board games area, and is pulling out some games. Maybe she’s got a board game me and Scootaloo can play. If she was so desperate to get ‘first place’ to show off to me, maybe she’ll like an actual competition better.

I want to see if they have Othello or Mancala... Haven’t played those in a while. I carry Scootaloo over to the board game area. “But if you want a challenge and to impress me, how about you try beating me in something aside from beating everyone else?”

Scootaloo nods her head fast enough to make me think it might come loose. I chuckle and step over the foals and through the partying ponies to the board games area. Pinkie appears to have pulled a version of ‘Candyland’ or something, though the board looks a little weird.

“Anthony!” Pinkie’s expression brightens up as I step up. “It’s so good to see you, are you enjoying the party?”

Oooookay, she’s definitely off today. “Yeah, of course I am, I still am. I don’t think it’d change much after the other three times you asked me.” Something is strange here, more than her just being Pinkie, but I can’t quite place it...

“I asked you thrice already? Oopsie-daisy! Sorry about that, it’s such a super-big funtastic party.” She pauses to think a moment. “Ooh, d’you wanna play Wunderland? It’s super cool!”

“Well, sure. Might be interesting. Can’t wait for when we go in a few months, I suppose?”

“Indeedly-do! I get to see Granny Pie again!” She squees and hugs herself, looking utterly delighted. “It’s been so long, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to see me, too.”

After a moment of watching the poofy pink party pony rock happily, I remind her of the game.

“Oh, right! Well, this is the first board, but we don’t need the second until we’ve either slain a Jabberwock or been disemvoweled by a Leery Vundermunch. Then, we’ll go to the second board and try to gringle some hobwatches, and escape the Queen in Red. And best of all, it’s a game where we all work together if we want!” Pinkie beams happily around the table, in spite of half the words refusing to settle into my brain.

“Well, I think first, Scoots and I would like a little one-on-one competition. You got Othello?”

“Never heard of it! I’ve got a copy of Marenopoly though. We could play three players on that!”

Deciding that there’s not many other options for games I would most likely already understand the rules, I go for that, ignoring the pun. At some point, I’ll have to figure out what the pony-named equivalents of some of my favorites are.

“Alright, each of the sections are based on a street from Old Canterlot, before it was expanded to more than just the palace and the nearby houses.” Pinkie explained, Scootaloo rolling her eyes. I don’t know this, though, so it’s good to know - also, the board seems to be circular; not rectangular. Interesting.

Pinkie continues to point out little things that build up to some fairly major differences in how the board is set up, but the rules sound about the same. There’s only two train stations, and they’re used to go between them if you land there, not as properties. The jail is a different section of the board, with a bunch of penalties to leave it, instead of the ‘roll a double’ rule, making it a more grueling challenge to leave the ‘dungeons’. Also, cheating is apparently supported by the rules, and all the fake money slips are purposefully left blank on the backs so you can double deal and pretend to pay more or less for something. It’s a surprisingly complex twist on an otherwise fairly simple game. The cheating aspect especially, you’d expect it to be much more harshly dealt with here in magical, happy, ponyland. When I bring this up, Pinkie responds that it’s not only perfectly mimicking common Unicorn noble tactics and business pretty well, but that getting caught by any third party with actual evidence is how you get to the dungeons in the first place.

Shaking my head, I sigh and get ready to play the game. I have an idea, rather than picking my own piece from the set, I pull out some coal and make a little human figurine and use that instead. After a little compacting, it’s just as solid as the tiny chariot and the little unicorn figures that came with the game, Scoots using the former and Pinkie the latter.

Pinkie looks closely at it. “Ooh! It’s a little human! Wow, you got the details perfect! Oh, now we need to roll to see who goes first, and how far they go!” She pulls out a set of eight six-sided dice. Two of them go to me, two to Scoots, and two for herself, the others going back in the box.

After an hour of vigorous politics, low deals and careful sabotage of all opponents, Scootaloo stands triumphant as the victor, having managed to get both me and Pinkie indicted and thrown permanently into the dungeons and stripped of our money. My brain is still a little rattled by how vicious that little filly can be.

I lean back and look at the board, covered in ownership markers in Scootaloo’s House Colors. Damn.

“So... I have another game, Othello. At least, that’s what I call it. Hmm...” I think of how to demonstrate. “Hey Pinkie, got a piece of paper?”

Pinkie nods, reaching into her mane with a look of concentration, finally pulling out a piece of lined paper and a Bic ballpoint pen. “Huh? How’d those get in there?” Pinkie looks down at the materials with an expression of confusion, stuffing them back into her mane. I stare dumbstruck at her as she pulls out, instead, a normal piece of parchment and a quill and stoppered inkpot.

“Uh... huh. Well, I don’t want to waste ink, so I’ll just do this...” I pull out the rest of my coal and do my little coal writing trick. I use the ink to make a square board with a bunch of smaller squares, then I use coal in pucks or rings, indicating white pieces and black pieces.

“So what you do is you place your pieces and when you surround some pieces of another color with yours on either end of the line...” I demonstrate by moving the pucks and rings, setting them up. “And when you do-”

“Ooh!” Pinkie interrupts. “I know this game, it’s called Gryphon Chess!” she leans over backwards in her chair - are her bones rubber? - and sits back up with a box showing an Othello board with the name ‘Gryphon Chess’ on the front, the tagline stating that it’s ‘a game of careful strategy and hard tactics!’

“Yep, that’s what we call Othello.” I turn to Scoots. “So what do ya think? Double-or-Nothing on Gryphon Chess?”

Scootaloo smiles and nods. “Yeah! I think we’re a good match!” She’s going poofy again. Jeez, does she have an allergic reaction to her shampoo or something?

“Alright, pick your color, and let’s start!”

She picks white, taking the first-turn advantage. The two of us go back and forth, taking and ceding lines of battle. She’s the first to take a corner, but I snag two of the others before she can properly counter. Finally, she takes the other corner, but it’s too late. A grinding battle of attrition leads to me winning, a scant three pieces more than her.

“Well played, Scootaloo. I’m impressed, that’s a good job for your first time.” I grin and ruffle her mane. “See? You don’t have to win, it’s all about how well you play the game.”

Once again, Scootaloo does her koosh-ball impression. Seriously, I’m beginning to worry about this kid. At least she acts perfectly healthy...

Chuckling at the thought, I sit back. I’ve spent around an hour and a half on the games, and I kind of want to stretch my legs again, possibly out on the dance floor. I’ve got an idea for a good song to end on, but I want to mull that over, and moving helps me think. I leave Pinkie playing another game of ‘Gryphon Chess’ with Scootaloo.

I walk out onto the floor, and I notice that Octavia and Vinyl are doing a sort of duet. Odd, given their playstyles being so different, but it’s not bad at all, classical and techno going pretty well together surprisingly. I just start dancing a bit. Not going crazy, just feeling the music go through my mind. Looking around at the other partygoers, I see that it’s pretty much unanimous. Music is strange, but very well done. I wonder, do they practice this often?

I see Pinkie hop through the crowd, passing out still more hors d’oeuvres. Wait, if Pinkie’s there, did she stop playing with Scootaloo? I turn to look over the crowd, thanking my relative height as I do. No, she’s playing a game with Scootaloo, who is staring at the game with a serious expression. I turn back to the serving pony, who can’t be Pinkie. Except...

The first word in my head is ‘Changeling’ and I feel my eye twitch. Stay calm for now. I walk up to the serving Pinkie. “Hey Pinkie, could I borrow you for a moment?”

“Sure, Anthony! Lemme just get this settled.” She tucked the now-empty platter onto her back, and trotted beside me as I led her towards the game area.

I figured I should do something before this Pinkie caught on, so I had to do it fast. Luckily, that’s one of my specialties. I grab the Pinkie beside me by the tail, and, pulling her with me, I do the same to the Pinkie playing with Scootaloo. I hold both of them up so they are upside-down looking me in the eyes. “Explanation. Now. And make it good!”

To emphasize further, I enter my Heat form and ignite every part of my body except for my hands. I imagine tails are rather flammable, and I don’t want to roast the real Pinkie. “Well?” I demand.

The one that had been serving covers her eyes with her hooves, visibly frightened. The other Pinkie, on the other hand, looks worried. “Wait, Anthony, I hired them!”

“Yeah, sure. How about some proof?”

She curls up, somehow using her tail to do so. She puts both hooves on my shoulder and whispers in my ear, “Because I know that you’re happier if I’m just your friend.”

She drops back down, hanging from my grip. With a sigh, I set her down on the ground, as well as the Changeling, but I’m still not letting it go that easily. “I thought you agreed not to do any more shapeshifting or I’d kill you all. Was I not clear?”

“W-what?” The changeling is so startled, she drops her disguise, revealing a changeling. But not like the ones I’d seen in the hive. For one, this one is emaciated, thin enough I can count all eight ribs on the one side of it facing towards me. As well, it’s got a brittle, red-orange shell instead of green.

“Oh come on, I know I met one of you around the Everfree, and I warned your little scout that if I found any Changelings around, I’d burn your hive to the ground!”

“B-but I‘m not an Everfree changeling! How would I hear about this?” It’s curled up on the ground, hooves held defensively over its chest.

I sigh again. “Fine, let’s hear your story, but if I find out you lied or bent the truth even a little, your people are gonna end up missing a few thousand numbers.”

The changeling nodded. “I- I’m just a harvester of a traveling cluster. There’s eight of us, and six of us were hired by the Element of Laughter to help with the party. It’s what changelings do to survive. I just want my nymphs to be healthy.”

“Last I was aware, changelings infiltrated towns, and posed as other ponies, draining the love out of their loved ones. Actually, I know this for a fact from first-hand experience.” I give the orange-black insect at my feet a hard glare, my flames not dying for a second.

“B-but what kind of morons would ruin things so badly? We may not announce ourselves, but we replace our clients so they can have more free time! I swear, we’ve never taken anyone without their express permission.” It looks up at me, its orangey eyes flat and emotionless like all changeling eyes.

I decide to give it one more test. I pick it up by it’s throat, and stare at it’s pupiless eyes with the bright specks of light that replace mine. I then increase my heat until I can see heat waves coming off of my hand, even if they aren’t flaming. Then I speak with my Spark, holding it close enough I could hear it’s ragged breathing.

<ARE YOU LYING?>

“N-no! Please let me live!”

“Alright, fine.” I Power down completely and set the changeling back on the ground. It massages its throat warily.

“Now, Pinkie, we’re going to have a little talk.” I turn to the crowd, now all staring at me. “Party’s over. Go home.”

My next plan of action is to get everyone together, specifically the Elements, the Princesses, and these orange changelings, for a discussion. I relay this to the changeling, Pinkie, and Twilight, who has made her way towards us.

“So, how soon can we set up this meeting?”

Twilight looks around, the building almost completely empty and six rail-thin changelings with orangey carapaces standing or sitting nearby. Another pony walks towards us, and for a moment I’m ready to ask what she wants. Then, in a burst of muddy orange fire, she turns into a changeling. The filly who steps out from behind her does the same, but into a smaller, slightly less starved-looking changeling. I recognized them, though, before they changed back. It’s the mother and child from earlier, and the foal that had asked for a hug.

“So. Back to my question. Assuming that this is every Changeling who participated?”

The changelings nodded, except for the little one who was just sitting on the floor and staring at me.

“Alright. So, we’ll get a letter sent to the princesses, and we’ll all have a little discussion. Frankly, part of me wants to burn you all alive right now... but I’m not gonna.”

The changelings all look relieved at this, again, minus the little one. It’s still just staring at me.

“And what do you want, uh... I don’t know what to call you. Filly? Kid? Rugrat?”

The little one stares at me, but one of the adults answers. “Uh, young changelings are ‘nymphs’.”

“Okay, well what do you want... nymph?”

The nymph keeps staring at me for a few more moments, before answering slowly. “Can I have a hug?”

“Now why would I do that? You managed to get one already, and that’s because I didn’t know you were just using me as a food source. Seriously, I’m more pissed at you than any of the others!”

The nymph’s expression falls, and the little thing begins to cry, bawling on the floor. The ‘mother’ glares hard at me and begins trying to console the little leech.

“That’s exactly what Chrysalis tried, to screw with my mind, make me into a living battery until I wasn’t useful anymore. That’s why I squashed her. I’m not food, for anyone.”

Twilight and Pinkie’s jaws are nearly touching the floor, and the changelings all stared at me, minus the nymph, who was still crying. One of them spoke up. “Y- you slew the tyrant queen?”

“Yes. Yes I did. And I don’t want to see any other changelings around. I know exactly what they do. That’s why I don’t trust changelings, since I was abducted by them.”

The changelings appear to have stopped paying attention once I’d confirmed the kill. They begin to speak amongst themselves. It’s mildly annoying, getting ignored. That said, Pinkie and Twilight are looking up at me with looks of shock on their faces, and worry, and pity.

“There will be time to talk amongst yourselves and explain things once we’re all together. Now, let’s go. And I want a separate train car for the changelings and myself. If they try anything they will not be getting off the train...”

Twilight clears her throat. “Actually, I had Spike send a letter to Princess Celestia as soon as things started happening. She should be coming here, and probably Princess Luna, as well.”

As if to confirm the statement, a large ball of purest white flashes into existence in the middle of the room, near the dance floor. The orb resolves into the shapes of Celestia and Luna, each in full regalia.

Celestia speaks, her voice commanding and her expression dark. “Tell me what is going on. Now.”

We’ve taken out some tables and lined them up to form a makeshift conference table. The seven Changelings and the nymph on one side facing the Elements, Spike and I on the other. The princesses are on opposite ends of the table facing each other. I guess it’s supposed to be a way of silently stating that they have no bias.

“I still think we should kill them now and get it over with.” I begin with my bare-bones ‘argument’.

Celestia responds before any of the changelings can. “Why do you think that? What could we gain from doing such a thing?”

I scoff. “You have to ask? They’re dangerous! They’re an infection!” both princesses quirk an eyebrow at me. Guess I have to clarify. “Seriously, even if they’ve done nothing wrong yet, doesn’t mean they don’t have the potential to do so. If we kill them, then the problem is over and we don’t even need to have this discussion in the first place.”

“That’s barbaric!” Rarity shouts in disgust.

I shout back. “It’s a solution! All we do is get rid of them for good and that ensures that there’s no chance of them causing trouble. Or we could just let them go and hope we can trust them.”

Twilight stands up to protest. “Th- that’s not fair!”

“Fair? Fair? You think what they did to me was fair!?”

“We don’t even know what happened to you! Besides, that was a different hive, right?”

The changelings nod quickly.

“Bullshit!” I yell. “A changeling is a changeling! They’re about as trustworthy as thieving rats.”

“That’s very human of you, Anthony.” Those words and Twilight’s cold tone caught me off guard.

“What? Of course-”

“But not what you say you are. You say you aren’t like the humans you described, but here you are acting like the unforgiving warmongers you say you aren’t.”

“That’s different!”

“Is it? You say that these changelings should be killed just because of what they are! You see violence as the first and best solution!”

“Death doesn’t have to be violent, you know.”

“And now you’re defending your actions, as if killing a sentient being is perfectly acceptable!”

“It is if doing so makes the world a better place!” At this point, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are holding back Twilight and I. “Settle down there, partner. Just give them a chance.”

“He won’t, because he’s a human!” Twilight yelled, struggling against Rainbow Dash who was holding her by the tail to keep her seated.

“You think that’s why? Well how about I tell you what they did!” I push Applejack’s hooves away. She’s strong, but doesn’t have the weight or size advantage I do. “Besides, of course you’re defending them, you don’t know what Changelings even do!”

All the ponies gasp, and even the changelings wince at my outburst. However, what I wasn’t expecting was the temperature of the room to literally drop enough for me to feel it, and the Princesses are both glaring at me, Celestia more than Luna.

“Oh, so now you agree they’re monsters?” I heat myself up with my fire, hiding my shivering. “At least I’m not so flippant with where I stand on things.”

“No, we’re angry that you’d say that, after what Twilight and my niece went through. We know full well, now, what changelings can do at their worst.” Celestia says.

I throw my hands up. “Then we off the fuckers before they can make puppets out of us! Unless they already have. Would certainly explain the immediate defense of a species specifically built for espionage and-”

“So you’re blaming an entire species for the actions of one part of it?” Twilight asks with disgust in her voice. Which is something I’m confused about; she’s shying away from them now, but still supporting them!

Also... “Oh, now you take notice! How many times have I said ‘you ponies’ and never, not once has any of you said anything. You’re a damn herd species. The whole is supposed to be more important than the individual! That’s what a herd is!”

“We’re individuals, though, dummy!” Rainbow Dash says. “I mean, I think they look kinda funky, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t different. That one changeling queen’s goons were all green and stuff, not red! Er, brown. Uh...” seh looks confused for a moment. “What color are you, anyways?”

“Maroon.”

I roll my eyes. “So now you judge ‘safety’ based on color... wow, and you say I’m human when you just made the most blatantly racist comment possible.”

“What? I’m just saying, they’re not angled with the bad guy queen, duh.” Rainbow Dash says with her own roll of her eyes. Someone corrects her with ‘aligned’ under their breath, but I’m not sure who.

“And you determine that based on their color? That’s very racist... So come on, show of hands, who here has had an undoubtedly horrible experience with changelings in general?”

I raise my hand and I see Twilight raise a shaky hoof, though she seems to be trying to merge with the floor from her seat.

Fluttershy hides under her mane, but raises a hoof, too. Rarity shows no compunction about raising a hoof.

“Alright, and I’m going to assume by their lack of voting that the princesses figure that what happened... not that I know anything about it, was perfectly fine. Moving on, there seems to be a majority that disagrees.” Hooves go back down and I continue. “What have the rest of you experienced that says that changelings are harmless? Yes, the currently present changelings are allowed to add their own defenses.”

“Harmless? Ah don’ think any of us said that, Anthony. Ah think you meant we think they aren’t hostile. Cuz while I don’t think there’s a grown changeling who ain’t dangerous, Ah don’t think they’d be tryin’ to attack us without bein’ crazy first. Ah mean, it jus don’ add up.”

I sigh and facepalm. “Did you even hear the thing I asked for votes on? I asked everyone to raise a hand, hoof, whatever, if they had a, and I quote: ‘horrible experience with changelings in general?’ To which you didn’t raise your hoof. Were you, Pinkie, Rainbow and Spike or either princess present for this disaster nobody’s telling me about?” All of them nod except Spike and Luna. “So, now that we have the question actually answered finally... If the majority here understands how dangerous changelings are, then tradition states that the motion is to protect our homes from potential threats, yes?”

The ponies think it over for a moment, until Luna speaks up. “Then should we be removing you from our nation as well?”

I narrow my eyes. “I’m here by choice. Also, you’re certainly not one to be playing that card, considering you are repeatedly referred to as having near Godlike powers. That makes you very dangerous. Your sister even more so. Evict me, you may as well evict yourselves.”

“Oh? And should we simply follow that line of thought and remove every potential threat before there’s a chance to turn it into an ally? Should we try to eject the dragons from this continent? Or the diamond dogs? Or the unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies as well?” Celestia asks, raising an eyebrow coolly.

“I think the most immediate danger here is the one who, if she made a mistake and her grip slipped, would send the sun hurtling towards us killing us all, but this is about the changelings and nothing else until your sister derailed us by attacking me.”

“But it is a fair comparison, if you’re going to extremes, Anthony. It isn’t fair or sensible.”

“Fair!? Fair!? You think what the changelings did to me was fair? I say they lost that chance when they abducted me and tried to use me as fucking food!” I stand up and punch the table. “You say you’ve seen what they can do but you still say I’m worse than that!?”

“You’re saying we should condemn a child to death for something it had no part in, so yes.”

“A child that, if left alone to its devices, will grow up into a creature who will attempt to drain the love out of everything it sees until there’s nothing left!”

“Really? And do you devour every plant and animal you see?” is the question shot back at me.

I keep my eyes narrowed on Celestia. “You want these changelings in your kingdom, fine. But I don’t want them anywhere near people who could be hurt by it. That narrows it down to... Somewhere outside a populated area. Right?”

“And just have them... what starve slowly to death?”

“Not my fault evolution dealt them a losing hand.” I say. “It’s also not my fault what they did to me, to all of us, personally.”

“But we don’t even know what they did to you.” Rainbow points out.

I sit back in my chair, arms folded. “Alright. Here’s what happened.”

“Wait!” Rainbow Dash interrupts. “How do we know you won’t lie and make the changelings look bad?”

I grit my teeth, ignoring her, and begin my story, starting with my first encounter with Cotton Cloudy’s mom before I blacked out. I detailed my fight in the hive and meeting Chrysalis, and the offer she made to me.

I continued from the point when I met the changeling in the forest after my visit with Fluttershy, then I tell them about the vision, but not going into detail about what I saw. That will wait for later. I then moved to when I did my investigation of Thunder Bolt. Twilight had to vouch for me that my conversation with her did occur. I then told of my decision to not wait for help and the fight with the changelings at the house, but Twilight interrupted.

“But... that’s not right! I remember getting surrounded, but you didn’t save me, you were barely conscious when I showed up! Then-”

“I’m getting to that.”

I detail what happened, what Chrysalis wanted to see. I decide not to spare the romantic encounter with the fake disguised Chrysalis, and I can see Twilight turn a bright red, fidgeting uncomfortably in her seat at the table. I hastily bring up Chrysalis’ mistake, her defeat, and my freeing of Twilight from the cocoon.

Once more, Twilight vouched for me, remembering me getting her out, requesting that she not take us to the library, and then waking up in the hospital.

“And that’s the whole story.”

“Wait.” Rainbow Dash spoke up. “You said something about a vision. What did you see?”

I think for a moment. “I’d rather not say as much as I’d like to just show you.” I turn to the princesses. ”Is there a way you can use some magic spell to give an image of my memory?”

“Technically mind magic is illegal...”

“Well I’d rather not tell it myself, it’s not something I’m proud of.”

Luna speaks up. “What could really be this bad? Aren’t you exaggerating a bit?”

“Luna, you saw part of it.” At this, she looked down at the table, remembering what I showed her while she was in my dream.

“But why show us? Can’t you just tell it?” Twilight asked.

“No. I really don’t want you to know what I saw... but you should know anyway.”

The debate over the legalities of mind magic on others and such continued until eventually Celestia vetoed it completely.

I sigh heavily. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I close my eyes and focus on the vision, recounting every detail. I hear them. I don’t bother looking, but I can tell their reactions by the gasps of shock and fear at various parts of the memory. Everything turned to dust, not a single living thing left. From the largest of plants to the smallest of insects, all was dead because the changelings had taken everything they could while I sat idly by doing nothing. Everything dead. Everything gone. The planet a barren wasteland where nothing could grow.

No life. Period. A dead planet, just a ball of dust floating through space.

Once it's over, I look around. Luna is cringing, Celestia seems to be on the verge of silent tears, Fluttershy has fainted, Twilight has her hooves wrapped around Spike who is curled up in a ball and holding himself. Rarity is trying to wake up Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are completely speechless, and Pinkie Pie is just looking at me. I can’t really tell what she’s thinking.

"A- Anthony..." Celestia addresses me, her voice wavering a bit.

I shift my gaze away from her, saying nothing. I want to just get up and leave, but I feel doing so would just make things worse. They’ve seen the dark part of me, the evil me, the one that exists in the back of my head, no matter how much I wish I could be rid of it.

Suddenly, I feel something holding me. I open my eyes and I see the nymph has gotten up on the table and is hugging me. Not feeding, but... comforting me...

The ‘mother’ changeling is almost hovering from sheer worry, it’s evident that she/it is scared of me. And probably for good reason, I did kill a changeling queen, but given how easy it was, I don’t really understand their shock, but their fear I do understand. I suppose me beating a queen is impressive. Oh, and I was threatening to kill them all less than ten minutes ago. Why isn’t the nymph scared of me?

The nymph, apparently oblivious, nuzzles my shoulder. It looks up, orangey eyes shiny, a darker patch running vertically through the middle. It reminds me of something, but I can’t put my finger on it. The stubby little horn on its head twists slightly to one side, and in the light and closeness, I can see a tiny tuft of some kind growing from behind the horn.

“Uh... do changelings... shed?”

The matron, looking like it wants to pick up the nymph, but holding back, nods its head. “nymphs molt twice to reach full growth. Four if they’re a young queen.” I can tell that the keeper isn’t really wanting the nymph near me, but I’m still a little incensed that Pinkie brought them here.

Jump to top

Chapter 27

“I still don’t trust the changelings. You can call me racist but at the end of the day they’re still parasites, an infection.” I say, sticking to my guns as I grab the nymph and drop it back onto the table away from me. The thing is kinda cute, and cute is dangerous. “An infection that must be dealt with. You say I care too little, but I say you’re too trusting. I mean, look at Twilight! She ducks into her chair each time the changelings look at her! That’s a fear response! You don’t react with fear to something harmless!”

Twilight whimpers, clearly not liking that I’m using her as my defense, especially when she’s in no position to protest.

“Uh, yeah, but she also just stood up for them.” Dash says, waving it off. “I mean, geez, Chrysalis foalknapped her, too. Not any of the other changelings, Chrysalis.” she says.

“Trauma aside my point still stands. I’m not gonna just outright trust them just because everyone else says to.”

“Except you haven’t made any points, you’ve just kept chanting that all changelings are evil because one was!” Dash retorts, hotly.

“And you certainly seem fast to blindly trust someone you just met, despite already admitting you were there for this wedding fiasco, which again, has yet to be explained to me in detail.”

“Ugh, the bug queen tried to marry Twilight’s brother, and tried to stash Twilight in the mines under Canterlot when she found out. Shining and Cadence used a magic love bubble to get rid of her and her changelings.” Dash says, bringing many of the ponies around me to raise their hooves to object, before lowering them.

“Well, she’s not wrong.” Pinkie says with a shrug.

“And nothing else happened?” I ask, warily. Dash isn’t the most attentive so I have little reason to trust she covered all the bases. “Nobody was hurt or anything? At all?”

Twilight thinks it over. “Well, Shiny was drained pretty hard by the Queen, but otherwise no.”

“Even the assault on Canterlot itself just required a lot of cleaning and road repairs; there wasn’t any hospitalizations.” Celestia clarifies. “No matter their intentions, they didn’t cause any physical harm to anypony except Shining Armor, and that was caused by an individual.”

“Uh, didn’t you-?” Pinkie starts, but then stops at Celestia’s raised eyebrow. “Nevermind, not important.”

Since when does Pinkie have unimportant things to say? Okay, a lot but not during a serious debate. “No, no, let’s hear her out. This is an open forum, right?”

Celestia sighs, but gestures for Pinkie to speak. “Uhm, well, Celestia got blasted by the Queen, but she also didn’t look like she was trying too hard to fight back. That meanie-bug certainly was, though.”

I raise an eyebrow in Celestia’s direction. If she was hurt but also wasn’t trying... no wonder she left that part out. I cough. “More on that subject later. Right now, you say I’m attacking these changelings for no reason... but you also seem to be defending them for no reason. What have they done to earn your trust?”

“If it was a matter of prosecuting the hive that attacked Canterlot, I would be letting them stand on their own defense or face charges appropriately. But as has been explained three times now, these changelings aren’t the same.” Celestia clears her throat, having just about slammed her hoof on the table right in front of me. “There is very little information on Changelings, mostly as a result of their nomadic tendencies, but something that is known is that changelings that are the same color are related, and ones that aren’t, aren’t.”

I frown. “So because they have done nothing trustworthy just yet, we’re going to trust them blindly... I think I’m starting to understand how you let all these monsters roam around the Everfree right on the border of a populated area...”

“Actually, it’s because they haven’t done anything untrustworthy yet. And the Everfree is untamable, short of destroying the entire forest, which is impossible for a massive variety of reasons.” Luna says.

“So our main problem here is that we seem to work on entirely different scales of morality. If you ask me, trust is not deserved until it’s earned. And so far, at least the changelings in the forest have done nothing to bolster trust, much less these changelings who everyone here agrees they’ve never known until today, or a few days in Pinkie’s case... correct?”

Pinkie nods, but starts to speak up. “But if you never trust anypony, how can you make friends?”

“I had all the friends I needed until I was brought here, so that question is invalid. I don’t need new friends, I need my old ones, but they aren’t here.”

The whole table goes quiet around me. Every pony and changeling is staring at me, the ponies with confusion and pity in their eyes, changelings with pity and fear.

“Moving on from my personal life yet again...” I say, getting annoyed. “Even if we don’t outright kill this group of Changelings, I say we consider them guilty until proven innocent and placed under whatever form of house arrest you have until they-”

“That is not your choice to make, Anthony. And that is not how Equestria’s laws work. They have done nothing illegal, and there are no good reasons to detain them. The only reason I’ve allowed them to be held here is because I feared you would act irrationally if I didn’t try to placate you in some way.” Celestia says, a biting tone that makes the ponies recoil a bit, except Luna, who seems to accept the comment’s tone as normal.

“So now it’s my fault? I’m sorry, I’m trying to protect the public from potential attacks. And it’s my fault I’m doing it and you don’t like the way I do it? That’s your problem.”

“You aren’t protecting anything, Anthony, you’re pursuing a vendetta against the innocent.” Celestia says. “What have these changelings done that warrants any kind of action against them, legal or otherwise? Have they harmed any of the guests they were catering for? Have they impersonated anypony against their will, or foalknapped anypony? Have they done anything that means you or I should be wary of them, other than have the misfortune of looking like someone that hurt you once?”

“Everyone’s guilty of something. But that’s neither here nor there. Most definitely not here, apparently.”

“Could you prove their guilt in a court of law?” Celestia asks with an arched brow.

“No. Which is why I suggest a compromise.”

“And what compromise have you decided is fair? That they be punished for not being what you want them to be-”

“Well that’s the pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it?” I snarl in reply.

“I have yet to treat you or any other potential threat to my citizens as anything less than rational living beings in any case where they do not prove otherwise.

“Discord.” I say, my tone cold and biting.

“Is by near definition not a rational being, and is technically no more living than my sister or I.”

“Well, fuck you then. If you’re not living how about I off you instead on the grounds that you’re a bitch?”

Celestia narrows her eyes. “You will not throw threats towards my ponies like that again, Anthony.” her voice is cold.

“I wasn’t threatening your ponies, I was threatening you. Fine then, you come up with a plan to deal with these changelings and the ones in the Everfree, and if they take over and infest Ponyville, it’s going to be your fault because I warned you.”

Celestia blinks. “I forgot, you don’t know what Alicorns are made of.” she mutters, then sighs. “How about you think of ways to compensate these changelings for the pay they lost by their work being interrupted, and I send a delegation to the now known hive in the Everfree. Thank you, by the way, for telling us where it is.”

“Uh, no, I’m going too. Because I’m not as stupid as you think I am. Knowing you, the way I do now, you’d just get rid of me the moment you don’t need me anymore.”

“I could already do that, Anthony.” she says off-handedly, “but I meant telling me they’re in the Everfree. We haven’t been sure where Chrysalis’ forces landed, but now we know they ended up there, and that you killed their previous queen-”

“You’re welcome, by the way.”

“... A diplomatic delegation will be sent.”

I narrow my eyes at Celestia. “And if your ‘delegation’ gets attacked and you end up sending them there to their deaths?”

“And why would changelings, free of the tyrant as you mentioned, try to kill off their food source? The worst that happens is that a rescue operation must be mounted to recover them, and that’s assuming that the changelings involved are violent and incapable of rationally working out a solution.”

“You really are stupid, aren’t you? Whatever.” I get up and leave the table. “My party’s over, no need to be here anymore. Go back to your job as a politician, something you are actually decent at, according to those you lord over.”

Celestia sighs and shakes her head, before waving a hoof at me, as if dismissing me. I know I just said I’d leave, but that’s just rude.

I reply with a middle finger behind me as I leave, and walk out the door, heading back to Ponyville. At the very least I gave her a reason to want to send me back home. Or kill me, but she clearly doesn’t have the guts to kill a damn fly.

I’m sitting in my usual spot and looking over the Wunderland Bestiary, refreshing myself on information as well as studying facts I didn’t know. As a very helpful addition, it’s a pop-up book, so there’s a fairly well-detailed two-and-a-half-dimensional picture of each creature.

The only one I’ve looked over so far that doesn’t have a full picture is one with nothing put the middle of the book, splashed in night black, with two shining eyes of gold, a fire pattern instead of pupils. It lists the creature as a Jabberwock. There’s plenty of nonsense poetry with it, which I assume is actually meaningful, but I can’t make sense of more than one part in five. The only part I do understand perfectly is the piece about it having a ‘frightful aversion to blades of the vorpal kind, so enchanted to seek the neck with a snicker-snack and split it so’.

Yep, definitely Wonderland.

One of the things it mentions is the Flamingo, and I see that it mentions they lose many of their powerful magical properties if not born in, on, or over Wunderlandian soil, leading to a large number of them being owned by nobles. That part, thankfully, is written by someone other than Blueish, so it’s completely clear. I wonder what kinds of things we’ll actually run into on our trip?

I look up as a throat is cleared, and I see that Twilight is holding a scroll in her magical grip. She offers the scroll to me wordlessly. I’m feeling particularly lazy, and a bit in the mood for testing, so I summon some coal from my pouch and have the coal-hand grab the scroll for me and hold it open for me to read.

“Uh... how’re you doing that?” she asks, eyeing the hand. “I’ve never seen such precise elemental control!”

“Oh come on, you saw what I can do with coal! Actually, I feel stupid for not thinking of this before. Imagine all the movement I could have spared myself getting a new book.”

Twilight sighs and shakes her head. “Anyways, that scroll has the plans. We’ll be heading out, probably tomorrow or the day after, to go to the hive. The cluster is going to stay here for another couple of days, apparently one of them is about to give birth, and can’t be moved until that’s over.”

“You know, I’m surprised. You’ve learned all sorts of new things about changelings, and haven’t already rushed to add it to your notes. I think-”

*crackle-POOF*

Twilight has just vanished probably teleporting based on the look of existential self-horror she’d had right before then. Drat, I had something witty to say, too. Alright, let’s see what’s on the scroll. I take it from the coal hand and unsummon it back to my pouch before unfurling the scroll.

Anthony -
Tomorrow, an hour before noon, a detachment of guards will be sent to the hive, along with a small medical team. Assuming that you still wish to demonize the changelings, we have opted to inform you of this in case there is no contact from them within two days.

If such an event occurs, you will be permitted to say, without repercussions, that you told us so, in pony, at the castle during full day or night court, your choice.

If a rescue is required, we would be willing to give you compensation as a freelance rescue operative, and you will be paid and given commendation appropriately.

Our thanks,
[A messy, illegible pair of signatures splits the page]

The Royal Pony Sisters

P.S. Cadence asked me to mention to you, if I got the chance, that she has almost everything ready, and will be able to take you on your vacation in a couple weeks. She also requested me to mention that if you get too injured to come along, she will personally break all of your unbroken limbs. She really wants to go to Wunderland.

Yup, that sounds like Cadence alright. I realize that I had passed up the opportunity to show the Lyre to Luna, but I suppose we’ll have another meeting or something once the changeling fiasco has been dealt with.

Though I’m not trusting those changelings to be civil. I decide to go the day after tomorrow when the delegation gets back and, if I’m right, deal with the cleaning up of whatever’s left of the poor ponies she’s sending to do a job for someone who can defend themselves. Her blind trust of changelings pisses me off when she’s clearly not offering me the same chance. Racist bitch.

When the day arrives I head down to the hive, finding it fairly easily and walking in. It’s not much different from before, a simple cave entrance that descends towards darkness while transitioning into a tough, glossy black material. Every few feet or so, a small bubble of glowing green material studs the surface of the tunnel, giving it a wan light.

Sighing and imagining the delegation blindly walking down and getting enslaved, I spark up, not trusting the lights to stay on as I pass by, but they do. Eventually I get to the main chamber and see a sickly, thin-looking changeling sitting on a throne, quietly making what sounds almost like commands, minus anything resembling a backbone enforcing them. The other changelings int the room, however, do seem to be following the directions. At the entrance, there’s a pair of guards, who spot me and turn.

Before I do anything further, they bow their heads to me, setting off a spark of anger. “Eyes straight, heads up. What kind of guards are you?” The guards bring their heads back up, not answering.

“Damn right.” I mumble as I walk in, getting the attention of the few changelings around. “I’m here to... Idunno, clear you guys out or something if you ate the ponies who came by yesterday.”

The queen on the throne shivers. “N-no, they l-left. A sup-p-p-ply drop-p is sch-cheduled t-today.” her voice is nearly a whisper, and she hangs her head low. Not in a bow, more like a dog that’s been hit too many times to look you in the eye anymore.

“Well, how about you tell me what’s going on, what sort of deal did you make with them?” I admit, I’m listening for any sort of logic loophole I could use to do some damage if nothing else. “Because, you know, I’m not the kind of guy who just sits down and lets stuff happen when it concerns me.”

“Uhm... I’m n-not ent-t-irely s-s-sure, act-t-uly. Th-they k-kinda sc-cared m-me.” she replies, a single tear sliding down her face. It hits me that she’s really staring at my clavicle, not my face. And that she’s shivering like it’s thirty below freezing in here, which is just about the opposite of the actual temperature.

“And exactly who are you?”

“I-I d-don’t have a n-name.” she whispers, gaze dropping to my knees. “M-mother never g-g-gave me one.”

“Mother? You mean Chrysalis?” At the name, the changeling flinches and whimpers, as if expecting a blow. I sigh. I’m not getting anything out of this one. “Is there another Changeling I can talk to, someone who actually has a backbone?” I pause. “Metaphorically speaking, I know, exo-skeleton stuff and all.”

“‘Msorry.” she says, quietly. “Idonwannadie”

“Then get someone I can talk to. All I want is information...” I sigh, rolling my eyes. I hate dealing with shy people for this very reason.

She nods, jerkily, and waves to someone off to the side, and a pony in a tux steps forward, before flashing green and burning away the disguise... revealing it’s a changeling in a tux instead.

“I’m going to assume that nobody’s butler or whatever has been replaced and you were impersonating a pony for kicks?” I ask suspiciously.

“Miss is less discomfited by ponies.” the butler explains, leading me towards a side room with no door, just a doorway. Inside is a makeshift kitchen, a few badly-burned... somethings in pots on the stove, which looks like it was ripped out of a house somewhere and installed without knowing how a wood-burning stove’s chimney is supposed to be setup.

“I thought you guys ate love not... Whatever you’re cooking.”

The butler loosens his tie and sits back in one of the chairs gesturing to the one across from him. “Yes, but fortunately, we can make do for a short period of time on regular food... the same way a pony can survive on just a sip of water a day for a few days.” he says.

“Explains much.” I say, ignoring the seat and going over to one of the pots. “Shame none of your drones ever impersonated a baker or something, huh?” Sarcasm dripping from my voice.

“Oh, many of us have skills such as baking. Cooking for other beings anything besides bread, though, is difficult without training, and I can’t cook for four hundred changelings with less than ten pounds of ingredients.”

“Sucks to be you.” I say, finally taking the seat. “So from what I’m lead to believe... you guys are all innocent and all the shit you guys pulled was because of Chrysalis brainwashing the lot of you. Sorry, but that’s a bit much to swallow.”

“Why? Have you never studied any magic?” the butler sounds genuinely curious. It’s probably not common knowledge I’m literally from out of this world.

“No, considering my twelve years of school was spent telling me magic is all fake...” I eye the Changeling. “So what exactly am I supposed to believe that everyone else seems to accept blindly? That you’re a hive mind with no individuality... or that you were all totally on board with Chrysalis from day one and are lying, blaming her to get off scott free?”

“What?” The butler asks, in confusion. “For one, why would you think we’re a hive mind? We’re ponies like any other, just with different magical abilities. For two, the evidence is very clear, and we’ve been checked over. We suffered as much or more than any pony while under the old queen’s rule. I don’t know what drove her to dark magic like that... but I, for one, am glad you saved my life from being one of forced servitude.”

I raise an eyebrow. “If you don’t wanna be a bootlicker, what’s with the monkey suit?” I ask, referring to his tuxedo.

“I said forced servitude. And it’s different than being a butler; working to keep somepony’s life organized, efficient, and running smoothly is what I chose to do, and what I want to do. Chrysalis used me as a coat rack.”

“While that does sound like Chrysalis, I’m not totally sold here. Got any proof that it was all completely Chrysalis’ idea, and that out of several hundred of you, nobody had the mental will to resist the brainwashing? The odds really aren’t in favor of that outcome no matter how many times you roll the dice.”

“Resist a queen? That’s difficult without factoring in magic, sir. Their scent makes them more... authoritative. Perhaps not in truth, but in appearance, at least to us. Still, that doesn’t protect them from other queens, and does not work on any changeling they aren’t related to by blood nearly at all.”

“So you are a hive mind, with a queen controlling all your moves, affecting your decisions using pheromones. That’s how bees work. Sure they can kinda think for themselves but if a queen tells them to do something, they do it. Period.”

“Mmm, but not how a changeling works. Authority is fine, but we have good reason and a bit of forewarning, we can fight back... but none of us did.”

“Because...?”

“Because she lied to us. She told us she was going to be putting in shields to keep out the pony dreamwalker princess’s searching.”

“Why in the world would completely honest and innocent creatures have to hide from Luna? You aren’t helping your case much.”

“So you’re saying you regularly let the rulers of another nation come into your mind and potentially tell you how to think? Not many Changelings are given a real education, sir. The old queen didn’t allow it, and many of the older changelings were killed as part of her ascension to queenhood.” The butler uses magic to pull a cup full of water to him, taking a swig before adding something green and glowing to it and taking another swig.

“Last I was told, the Everfree forest wasn’t part of another nation. If you’re terrorists and you’re stupid enough to hide where those you terrorized can find you... you kinda deserve to be outed in my opinion.”

“Terrorists? Ha! More like terrorized. Maybe you don’t understand this, but I’ll try to keep it simple for you. The uneducated have a hard time throwing off tyranny without involving mind magics. I want to see you have your free will taken from you, the very urge to fight back stripped from your brain, and still make good decisions. The old queen was a fool, a tyrant, and extremely unhinged. We should’ve never even made a hive; Changelings are better off as small clusters or families than in large numbers like this. Chrysalis saw herself as a conqueror. But she never thought about what that would mean in the long run. She would’ve starved us all to have a single, short-term victory.” The butler’s voice has become bitter as he downs the rest of the cup.

I just shrug. “So you keep mentioning. But the problem is, you’re saying that you guys are all innocent because you were hypnotized-”

“No, not hypnotized. This was no minor suggestion, nagging at our thoughts. She stripped us of our identities, of our selves. And I feel entirely justified in saying she would’ve stripped our souls out like she did to her daughters if she thought it would make us more obedient than puppets.”

“What identities? You’re main defining feature is the ability to become other people, to use their identities... right?”

“So do ponies whose talent is for acting.” he retorts.

“Actors aren’t body-snatchers.”

“And neither are we, usually! Before the old queen, it was considered taboo to change into someone who was alive and normally present; the only times we’d impersonate someone without their permission is if they died of natural causes while away, such as during a hunt, or an expedition.” the butler asserts. “Normally, we make a guise of a completely new pony, and just... blend into society. We find love where it’s offered, and don’t take more than is healthy. If we have to, we move on. If not, a cluster will settle in, and simply be a family common to the town we inhabit. A few towns have been settled this way.”

“Yeah... and I have a problem with that. Mainly because you guys are... you know what, forget it. You’re just going to reply that all your previous, heinous acts were completely Chrysalis’ and that you guys are just hapless victims... right?”

“Yes. Because I’m telling you the truth. The truth doesn’t change just because it doesn’t suit you. We’re not nobles, after all.”

“No, you’re changelings. Why can’t you get love without changing? You can’t tell me it’s because the queen says so, she’s been squished a while ago.”

“Because ponies are skittish and xenophobic. A few times, it has worked out, and the changeling who can be loved for who they are under the guise are much better off than one who has to live hidden, but in case you hadn’t noticed, the odd or new makes them panic, not feel compassion or care.”

I’m getting tired of this. “So what’s your plan? What did you and the princess’ pawns agree to or whatever yesterday? Knowing Celestia, she’d try to be all ‘Oh everyone is welcome in my kingdom’ and try to give you guys some sort of leeway... before casting out the freaks.”

“As far as she knows, she offered reasonable terms. She offered to let us into equestrian towns... but this hive is no longer allowed to do so in guises. We’re also not allowed into Canterlot, nor within six hundred hooflengths of any of the Elements of Harmony. Which is a shame; Miss Fluttershy’s compassion is strong enough just being nearby would feed us all for a short while, long enough to make it somewhere we won’t be universally hated... as much. Instead, the concessions we offered effectively amount to us waiting in here until we starve to death, or one of the new queen’s sisters kills her, takes the throne, and breaks the treaty, following in their mother’s hoofsteps and getting us all killed.” he sighs. “Either way, we all die, either slow or painfully.”

“By me. Assuming I don’t before this event.”

“I never pegged you for a murderer, but I suppose I’ve been wrong before.” he says.

“Let’s see, oh yeah, I recall stepping on Chrysalis. That was... by pretty much every definition, murder in cold blood. Her being ‘evil’ was not my reasoning. She just pissed me off.”

“By attempting to control your thoughts, yes?” At my nod, he waves it off. “Then it was self defense, and any court on the continent would agree. Mind magic is illegal or tightly controlled on all three continents.”

“Sorry, but I don’t count that. Sure it was self defense, but it’s murder in self defense. But we’re just going to keep going in circles. You want my advice to get the ponies to like Changelings? Save their lives. Day one I’m a freak around Ponyville, nobody gives me the time of day, and all that shit. Then I save the town from being demon-bait and suddenly half the country wants to suck my dick.”

“Oh, yes. And, uh, tell me, when was the last time you had four thousand years of rumors and myths about you stealing in and eating infants, or sucking the life out of ponies in front of their loved ones? Because Changelings have lived under that prejudice for a very long time. We came here to escape the Long Winter before pony kind did, because their hate was poisoning us. They drove us from our ancestral lands, and then drove us into hiding when they came here. Prejudice against the difference is not something new, and they’ve been practising it against each other for longer than that. On top of that, you’re an individual. No one changeling can save the day and get all changelings allowed into the light. It’s been tried before, and done by accident before, and the ponies just exonerate them as the exception that proves the rule. It has taken nearly six hundred years to get actual information on us into their archives, rather than just rumors and myths. Ponies used to believe we were made of gas of all things.”

I just sit back, sigh, and reply with a succinct “Sucks to be you, then.”

“Yes. So as I said, we get to die in a hole, while you get to feast on their adoration. Still, I understand you don’t want any other beings horning in on your food supply, but you don’t need to be violent about it.” He sighs and looks about ready to stand up.

“I don’t eat love, I eat food. And besides, I don’t really care about what they think of me, heck, most of them call me a hero. It gets pretty annoying.”

“Wait, so you don’t even- oh, you don’t know. You’re a star and you don’t even know.” he says, looking genuinely surprised... and there’s pity in his eyes. Why does everyone have to give me that pitying look?

“Listen scuzz-for-brains, I don’t need anyone but the people I left behind. I figure that if I just keep being a douchebag, Celestia will finally get tired of me and finally start working on a way to send me back. Or kill me. At this point, I don’t really give a shit. So all this about being a star is completely stupid and doesn’t matter to me.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t give a shit, you say, but you crusade on their behalf? You should learn to stop lying to yourself, it’ll hurt less in the long run.” he says.

I’m not lying to myself, though. “And I’m certainly not ‘crusading’ for anyone. I blew up the demon because he was wrecking shit.”

“But you don’t care about anything, remember?” the butler says, raising an eyebrow. “You consistently target threats to the ponies, and then say you don’t care about them or anything at all. Again, you should learn not to lie to yours-”

He’s cut off by a flash of gold fire right in front of my face, and a scroll dropping to the table. I roll my eyes and take the scroll, opening it.

Dear Anthony,

Thank you for your assistance so far, and the delegation has returned completely unharmed. As such, we are requesting a favor of you; while technically optional, it is not something we can entrust to another, as you have proven your ability to counterspell magic easily and more effectively than most battlemages.

We need to you to act as a bodyguard for the new changeling queen, as our intel suggests that she will be removed from power in a coup by her siblings if not preserved, potentially ruining the treaty.

In the process, it is entirely possible Ponyville would become collateral damage during their rampage, before countermeasures could stop the problem.

Write your reply on the back of this scroll and roll it the other way, and it’ll return to me.

Thank you,
[illegible scribbles again]

Princess Celestia, diarch of the Sun.

“Huh, looks like Celestia needs me yet again... this time I’m gonna be your new queen’s meatshield so her sibs don’t off her.”

The butler raises an eyebrow. “Well, considering you consider yourself a hardened, murderous fiend, that should be easy for you.”

“That’s a bit far yet, but close enough. Still, doesn’t this piss you off? That Celestia assumes that if the new queen gets killed, she’ll be replaced by a Chrysalis wannabe?”

“Considering that’s exactly what I advised the delegation would happen, no. Because it is what will happen. The old queen’s eldest was the worst treated, and has turned out the mildest. The others seek only to emulate the mother they assume didn’t love them because of their eldest sibling.”

“Alright... so if I do take the job, what would I do exactly? Roast the new queens sisters and leave? They are the only threat to her, right?”

“That and starvation, disease, assassins of any sort... Celestia may have accidentally sealed her death by announcing our location to Canterlot.”

“I’m not staying here and babysitting her. Heck, what do I call her?”

“Her mother was fond of ‘hey you’ and ‘you little shit’, though those may not be to your liking.”

“Nah, she looks messed up as it is. So who names her? Herself?”

“Usually someone with power over her... Celestia could, but I doubt she even knows that. You could, seeing as how you deposed her mother and put her on the throne. Even if you don’t wish to rule over the hive, she still owes you a life debt.”

“A lot of people do, these days.” I sigh. “Fine, so what? I just walk up, give ‘er a name, tell everyone to listen to her or I squish them?”

“That would be an excellent start. You’ll also need to make sure none try anyways, and that none simply poison her and don’t take credit for it.”

“So I’ll be an on-call bodyguard. Fine, works for me... might as well get this over with.” I get up and head out to the main chamber. I’d only been here and the kitchen... and Chrysalis’ bedroom. I don’t know how to get to the balcony. “So, uh, how do I get up there for an announcement?”

The butler, who’d been following me shakes his head. “The balcony was blocked off. It was... structurally unsound, and mostly held in place by the queen’s magic. She wasted quite a bit of the love she stole on useless fripperies like that.”

“Maybe that’s why she wanted me to be a king. She had a billion mindless pawns, but was too stupid to know what to do with them.”

The butler shrugs. “Or she thought you had more to drain, or both. She’s not exactly around to explain, and she wasn’t one to monologue anything useful when she felt she was alone.”

“She did what now?”

“Oh yes. She had a tendency to monologue her plans whenever there wasn’t anypony in the room with her. She mostly ignored changelings, because she thought of us as mobile furniture, and there were a few occasions she’d break into songs about how she’d steal this pony’s love or crush that nation once she controlled Canterlot. That sort of thing. It always seemed so... gauche.”

I roll my eyes at the absurdity. “I’d use the word ‘stupid’ personally. How vain can you get? Anyways, if there’s no balcony, how do I get everyone’s attention? Blow up a chamber and start yelling?”

“You could go to the main audience chamber, where the new queen is. She can get the attention of everyling in the hive easily.”

“Fair enough.” I say, shrugging. “Let’s get this over with.” I go back to where I met the new queen and just sort of look her over. She’s not just skinny, she also shivers presumably uncontrollably when she notices my gaze. She also has to stop and think for a few moments before she tries to speak.

We stand in silence for a bit and I figure she’s not going to start a conversation. “So I guess we’ll cut right to the point, then...” She nods quickly, expression concerned. “So Celestia has decided to appoint me as your... ‘protector’...” I emphasize the word with my fingers.

She looks up in interest, shivering slowing a bit.

“Now, I admit I’m not a fan of racists, which makes me a bit of a hypocrite in this case, which I also hate, but I digress.... So I’m also not a fan of Celestia but I figure since I gave you the honor of being freed from Chryssi I might as well see this through... in a way.”

She gives a hesitant smile. “Th-thank y-you!” she says, voice sounding a little hoa- rather raspy.

“Yeah, you’re welcome. Anyways, I’m not gonna stick around and watch your back twenty-four seven, I have a life, so the deal is... well, you just call everyone in here and I’ll explain to the whole hive.”

She nods, though the look of concern is back. She clears her throat, then makes a weird trilling noise, a bit like a cricket or cicada, and her throat visibly wobbles as she does. After a moment, she stops with a series of dry, hacking coughs.

The fuck was that, some sort of subconscious call? And they say they aren’t a hive mind... Anyways, I head up towards the new queen and stand by her side as all the changelings in the hive start filing into the room. They aren’t walking robotically, but still eerily obedient and straight. Several of them are looking around in confusion, evidently not sure why they’re there, and some have spots of white paint on them, and one is wearing a goofy chef’s apron and hat.

“Our s-s-savior w-want-t-ted to say s-someth-thing.” she says, and the changelings shift focus to me, with a few turned to each other instead.

“Yeah, hi.” I say, raising a hand in a form of waving. About half the changelings also raise a hoof, but it’s not unanimous. “You all probably got the memo, but if you didn’t I’m the one who splatted Chrysalis so... yeah, you’re welcome-” the entire crowd cheers, a few ‘huzzah’s thrown in. “Uh, yeah, thanks. Anyway, Sunbutt decided to have me be a sort of bodyguard for your new queen, protecting her from the occasional assassin or death threat or whatever. I think that’s a load of bullshit, but I’ll agree... kinda. I won’t be around all the time, but your new queen... oh goddamnit.” I say rolling my eyes and coming up with a name for a new ruler that doesn’t sound too obvious or cheesy. “Renaissance. There, her new name is Renaissance to symbolize her rule being one of recovery rather than Chrysalis’ tyranny or whatever.” Renaissance... that was a bad name, too much of a mouthful, and all the changelings seem to be in shock. “I’m just gonna call you Ren for short.”

Turning around, I see that she’s looking at me with tears going down her cheeks, looking very shocked indeed.

Guess names really are a big deal around here. Oh well. “So Ren will be your new queen and I’ll be living in Ponyville and she can call me over for... whatever she wants I guess, whenever she needs a bodyguard. Just, Idunno, send a messenger over or something if she needs me. But if she doesn’t get treated with respect or if somebody tries to kill her or anything I’ll moosh you. Fair enough?”

The changelings nod generally in unison, though many are out of sync or nodding at other rates. It’s not something I’d normally notice, but I guess I’ve been really looking for it since talking about them.

“A’right, assuming nobody has any questions and everyone realizes that if Chryssi didn’t hold a candle to me you guys’ve got no chance of handling me in the event somebody tries to form a coup... I’m outta here. But I’ll be back if Ren wants me. Hail Queen Renaissance and all that.”

The entire chamber echoes the call to ‘hail’, and the Queen just sniffles, smiling crookedly, still crying silently.

Yeah, still not a hundred percent about changelings yet, but I suppose I should give them a chance...

Jump to top

Chapter 28

Sighing, I leave the hive and note that at this point it’s late afternoon. Or is it? Hard to tell with the dark of the forest. I don’t have anywhere to be today so I figure I’ll walk in the general direction of home and just see where the forest takes me.

The forest is very quiet, almost peaceful, in fact. It’s nice, and the temperature, after the muggy warmth of the hive, is pleasantly cool. Along the side of a path I’d decided to randomly follow, I see a little brown bird laying on the ground, on its side. Considering I haven’t yet seen any dead animals so far, I shrug and decide to investigate. I mean, it’s not like I’m one to get sick from a dead bird.

Turns out it’s not dead... or had been alive in the first place. It’s a single-color all over it’s entire body. Like, beak and feet included. It’s a statue. A very detailed and immaculate statue, but a statue nonetheless, carved of some kind of brown stone.

The question is... who would make a bird carving this well-done and just chuck it into the forest? It’s damned near a masterpiece of a recreation, and must’ve taken hours to make. The legs are almost impossibly thin, and there’s even a twig grasped in the stony claws. How do you even do that kind of carving?

Shaking my head and shaking it off, I sigh, and get back to walking. I mean what would I even do with a stone bird, anyways? I figure I might as well head home and just... Idunno, wait for tomorrow. Not much else to do, really.

A few dozen feet later, I come across a small clearing, stone animals forming a sort of circle around it, with a pure white statue in the center. Stepping closer out of curiosity, I see that it’s an incredibly faithful recreation of Rarity, down to the individual hairs of her mane and the way it’s styled. In its own way, it’s both very romantic and very creepy that someone would put forth this much effort into a statue of Rarity.

She may be pretty by horse standards, I guess, but she’s not worth what looks like a bajillion hours working on something like this over. Maybe it’s the one she has a crush on? Or just some really weird creep living in the forest who finds her attractive to a very disturbing degree. A thought crosses my mind that I could give it to Rarity and see how she reacts... or give it to Spike and watch him fawn over it for a few hours, but I decide to ultimately just leave the statue where it is.

On my way back, after exiting the forest, I realize I’m on the side nearer to Rarity’s boutique. Huh, I wonder if she’s seen the statue of herself. Y‘know, I haven’t yet gotten to talk to her about the whole crush thing... and maybe she knows something about that statue. Might as well stop by, maybe Sweetie will be there; she’s a nice kid, once you get past her curiosity and tendency to poke things she shouldn’t while said things are sleeping.

When I get to the boutique though, I see a note on the door saying that Rarity is at the spa with Fluttershy. Oh yeah, Ponyville has a spa. And I have a voucher for it somewhere in my pile of fanmail. Deciding to meet Rarity there I get directions to the spa. I’m given some odd looks when I ask about it but I eventually find it and walk in, the place smelling like steam and shampoo.

In the lobby, I see Fluttershy sitting in a chair, knitting something. Guess Rarity isn’t here yet. I walk up to Flutters and say hi, quietly. I don’t want to startle her and she seems in the ‘zone’ with her knitting. “Hey there.”

She blinks and looks up. “Oh, hello Anthony! How are you today?” she asks, smiling as she resumes knitting, eyes on me.

“Oh, well, I was gonna see Rarity about something but I found a note saying she was here with you.”

“Hmm... she said she had to take a detour first today, because there’d be something rare in the forest today. Her cutie mark told her so.”

“You guys make cutie marks seem way too important for it to be healthy.” I warn. “But even so, where is she? I mean, she likely knows the way here, and she’d be here before I do, considering I needed directions. That stuff she was doing in the forest can’t take that long, can it?”

“W-well, no... she said she needed to gather some silk, so I assume it was related to the Star Spider spawning this year, but it’s, uhm, been a few hours, and the Star Spiders don’t spawn deep in the forest. And, well... she does tend to show up a few minutes late sometimes, but we’ve missed our appointment by now, and Rarity usually keeps all her appointments, especially with me.”

True, it does seem odd of Rarity to leave a note saying one thing and then skip out on it without notice. Heck, it’s odd for ponies in general. “I’ll go over to the forest and see if I can’t find her. If I don’t return in...” I think for a bit. “An hour, send for help. Got it?”

“Oh... alright, Anthony. Please be safe, okay?” she says.

“No problem. Back in a flash.” I say, heading back to the forest. Not having any idea where she might be in the forest I just start calling out for her, hoping she’ll hear. It’s taking a long while though. Rarity isn’t dumb enough to wander this deep into the forest is she? At least not this far away from the trail. The only thing I can imagine is that whatever’s going on, she can’t hear me.

Or can’t respond. I think back to the statue of Rarity. Come to think of it, I recall reading something about petrifaction being a thing here... or was that fiction? Hard to tell fiction from non-fiction in a pony library, but if it is a thing it would certainly explain the immaculate detail of the statues. I run back to where I found the Rarity statue and look it over again. It’s got a look of shock or surprise.

One that brings to mind the phrase ‘I have no mouth but must scream.’ I don’t know if it’s been an hour yet, but I could definitely use some help. I try to move the statue, but it’s actually pretty heavy and it barely budges, and I don’t want to try lifting it, for fear I may break something.

“Yo, anyone around to lend a hand?” I ask; maybe the changelings have someone around I could get some help from. A sound behind me makes me whirl around. It was like something large... no huge slithering across the dead leaves and through bushes. Is this it? A giant snake? Well, a basilisk does have petrification abilities. Guess it’s just as likely as anything else. I spark up and get ready for a fight. Just waiting on the giant snake to show itself.

“Hello?” a voice calls from the forest. Not a basilisk, then... hopefully.

“Yeah, I could use some help with something...” I respond.

I see the faintest glint in the darkness around the clearing, and I find myself staring into two bright, jade-green eyes. Instantly, I feel a searing, blinding pain in my eyes, and I drop to the ground, Sparking up on reflex. The agony is unbelievable, and I can’t see anything at all. A blank, black void has replaced my vision, and my hands go to my face on their own.

Through the shock and pain, I can feel that my skin around my eyes has turned hard and smooth. I also can’t feel the skin around my eyes.

I’m not completely petrified like Rarity, but I’ve been blinded completely, and the burning sting in my... well, where I used to have eyes, is almost unbearable! I try and use my powers to reverse the effect, but as usual with magic that’s already taken effect, I can’t remove it. All I’ve managed to do was prevent the effect from spreading, but the pain and the blindness make it horrifying. I can’t see, and I’m stuck here, defenseless...

“Oh my goodness! Are you alright?” a feminine voice calls out to me, and I feel a pair of human-feeling arms circle my torso, hauling me up to my feet and patting my face. “Oh, what happened to you?”

“I... I don’t know! I... I’ve been blinded, and it stings. All I recall is these glowing eyes, and... wait, who are you?”

“My name is Myrna. Also, how are you glowing?” I feel myself be steadied and held gently, maybe even gingerly, at what I’m guessing is arm's reach.

“Long story short, I’m basically a baby star.” I respond, trying to readjust my center of balance. “I think if it weren’t for my powers, this would have happened to my whole body. I think that’s why I’m not like my friend here.” I gesture to where I think the Rarity statue is, I could be pointing in the opposite direction for all I know.

“W-wait, that’s your friend? But- that’s a statue. It’s been there for hours.” the voice says. “Unless... oh no, the thing that did that to your eyes! It got your friend! That’s not good... uh, what do we do?”

“Okay. Uh... hold on, gimme a sec.” I try and clear my head, focusing on accepting the darkness, rather than fighting it. ““Okay, let’s see... uh, we need a plan. I told Fluttershy to let Twilight know I’d be here looking for Rarity. Since I’m not coming back, she’s supposed to come in and find me with some backup.” I sigh. “It seems that for now, all we can do is wait for the rescue party and make ourselves noticeable.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea... uh, wait, I think I have an idea, but you’ll have to trust me, okay?” she says.

Normally I’m not about to literally blindly trust someone, but I’m not really in a position to argue, so I go along. “Okay, what’s your idea?”

“I, uh, have some powers. I don’t know how, or why... but I can move stone. Like... telekinesis, but it only works on stone, and maybe dirt, a little.” I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me, before hearing a rumbling below me. “I’m going to lift it, and us, up.”

“Alright, fine. So how about a name?”

“Oh, right... I’m Myrna. You?” she asks, as the sudden heavy feeling in my stomach, like I’m riding an elevator, begins to make itself known amidst the rumbling.

“Anthony.” I reply. “I’m a star as I mentioned, and I can manipulate coal. Anything ah... ‘new’ with you since you got here?”

“Uh... I’m kinda... not really human anymore.” she says, sounding very sad, and a little quiet. Not, like, ‘whispering’ quiet, just the quiet someone gets when they’re sad.

“Join the club.” I say, rolling my eyes. “Anyways, if my theory is correct, some demon or something is going around turning everyone around here to stone. Since stone is your area I’m willing to bet there’s a connection. But the other demon I fought was all monstrous and stuff so, probably not you, just an odd coincidence.” I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, seeing as she’s not acting like the demon from before in the slightest.

After the rising sensation stops, I can feel a breeze across my face, except where the stone surrounds my eyes. “So, uhm... where are we?” the girl’s voice asks.

“You are, well, we are in the Everfree forest on the outskirts of Ponyville.” I say, getting used to the altitude and the lack of feeling in my eyes.

“... that doesn’t tell me much. I mean, the pony statue means we’re probably not in Kansas anymore.”

“Judging by them having a mostly-different set of stars and constellations, my guess is this isn’t Earth. Well, pretty obviously not our Earth, but... you know. Anyways, what say we make ourselves noticeable?” I enter my heat form and start generating fire from my hands, hoping the light is visible from ponyville, this far into the forest.

The girl gasps, and I hear scuffling sounds behind me. Less than a minute later, I can hear the sound of beating wings, then Dash’s voice saying, “Anthony! Everypony’s been looking for you, Fluttershy said you were looking for Rarity! And what’s with the creepy statue?”

“Stuff can be explained later. Yes I found Rarity. She’s a statue, and I’m blind. The girl down there is a friend.”

“Girl? Like a human mare? Or a-”

“Yes, a human woman.” I correct. “Go and- oh, right, there’s something around turning things into stone, hence my face.”

“Oh, I thought that was a mask. Jeez...” The flapping noises head downwards. “Hey, Anthony sent me t-” thud.

“W- what the? Is that a pegasus? Why is it stone?” Myrna calls out. Oh no, whatever it was got Dash! Damnit, there goes rescue!

Or maybe not, more flapping! “Hey, Anthony! We saw Rainbow Dash go down there, is Rarity hurt?” It sounds like one of the pegasi from Ponyville found me, but we’ve got to find the creature responsible.

“Yeah, but there’s some evil creature around, it’s turning everyone to stone. It blinded me, but Rarity and Dash are statues!”

“Wait, like a cockatrice or basilisk?” the pony asked.

“If those exist here in magical ponyland, then probably yes.”

“Gotcha. I’ll go back, and ask for some depetrifaction potions; we’ll get more fliers and and try to airlift you guys out.”

Myrna calls up. “So... what’s going on? I don’t wanna be stone!”

One of the ponies up here with me speaks up. “Who’s that? I thought only Rarity and Rainbow were here?”

“That’s Myrna, I found her while I was looking for Rarity. Well, she found me after I was blinded. She’s a friend.”

I hear an exasperated sigh. “I’ll go down there.” I recognize the voice, it’s the mailmare.

“Derpy, maybe we should let somepony without uh, a...”

I hear Ditzy speak up, sounding a little bitter. “A disability? I’m perfectly fine, Thunderlane.”

“... I was going to say ‘condition’...” Thunderlane mumbled.

I decide to call up so as not to be mildly forgotten. “Ditzy? That you? Dang, I wish the circumstances were better... Anyway, uh. Why not let her come down? If she’s brave enough, who cares?”

“‘Cuz she’s got a daughter!” the pegasus stallion responds.

I hear Ditzy snort derisively. “I’m going. Be back soon. Thunderlane, Flitter, you two go get the charms and the potions, I’ll go check with those down below. Rainy? You make sure Mr. Anthony doesn’t fall off if the Everfree decides to gust about.”

I feel a pegasus gently grab my shoulders, as the others acknowledge their tasks. Ditzy begins to flap down towards Myrna, Rarity and Rainbow Dash. I hear the stallion from before, Thunderlane, call out as he’s leaving, “Be safe, Derpy!”

From below, I can hear Ditzy land on the ground. “Woah! You’re really big, miss.”

“Ah, my name’s Myrna. Are your friends going to be alright?”

“I think they will, we just need some depetrifact potions, and they’ll be right as rain. Wow, this isn’t a cockatrice’s work, though. They only make gray stone, and neither Rarity nor Rainbow is gray at all!”

I don’t like not being involved in conversations... “Uh huh. So how long until they get back? I kind of like being able to see. Also, can someone get me down from here, not just hold me steady?”

Both Ditzy and Myrna say they’ll do it, with the flapping of the pegasus’ wings reaching me first. A pair of hooves reach under my arms, and I’m lifted into the air and slowly lowered.

“Thanks. So, I guess we wait until those ponies get back with the potions. What can we do until then? I Spy sure is out.”

Ditzy and Myrna chuckle. “Well, uhm, you could tell me more about where we are, maybe?” Myrna says, hopefully.

“Well... It depends on who you ask I suppose.” I reply. “For the first year or so I was essentially a pariah of the town. Nobody’d even keep their store open if I was within ten yards of them. Then I punched a demon so hard his head exploded, saved the town, and now I’m a world-renowned hero getting fan mail and marriage proposals.”

“You... punched a demon’s head... and it exploded?” Myrna asks, sounding incredulous. It does sound a bit crazy, I know.

“Ask anyone in town, they’ll confirm. No joke, I’m pretty tough. The weirdest part, is that most of the ponies thought that what I’d do was eat them... sure I eat meat, but I’m not about to eat something sapient.”

“Well, they are really tiny.” Myrna says. “You’re pretty cuddly though.” the second part sounds like it wasn’t directed at me, and Ditzy giggles in response.

“Yeah, ponies are soft.” I reply, “So... what’s your diet like Myrna? You a vegetarian?”

“No, I haven’t exactly had the option to be one, even if I wanted after the last year...”

“Really? dang, what’s going on back home? I’m assuming you’re from the same Earth I am.”

“I- I’m not sure if it’s the same one... how long have you been away? Because there’s been... a lot happening over the last eleven months. At least, I think it’s been eleven months, calendars have become rather unreliable.”

That sounds... disconcerting. “Well, what year was it? It was 2014 when I showed up here.”

“How late into fourteen?”

“April, around the twenty-fourth. A few days before my birthday actually. Hell of a birthday surprise waking up on another planet, huh?”

“Well, you just missed the end of the world, then.”

I pause, the darkness of my no-longer functioning vision making that statement even more foreboding. Whatever hint of mirth I had in my voice is probably gone. “Define ‘end of the world’ real quick.”

“Monsters came out of flaming holes in the ground, and began to destroy, enslave, or rape everything.” her voice is quiet, pained. “And some of us that survived got taken... and turned into more of ‘em. Like demons, corrupting people or something.”

“Demons...” Yeah, I’m definitely past jokes right now. “And guessing by it being the end of the world, there’s not much left?”

“Have you ever played Fallout?” she asks.

“Uh... nope, never played anything by... who made it again?”

“Nobody important now. But have you seen artwork of it?” At my head shake, she sighs. “Well, there’s fortresses in places where folks have banded together and gotten enough weapons together to fight off the demons, and everyone else is either scavengers, nomads, or too crazy to care about hiding.”

“The others are dead I assume... Sounds like whatever pulled us off Earth did so to get us out of there. Only question is... who did it and why us?”

“No idea. I... remember falling asleep, barely, under a broken car, and then I wake up in this dense forest... I haven’t seen a living tree in nearly six months. It was... disorienting to say the least. And I was... different. At first, I thought demons had gotten me, because I’m all- all scaly now, but there wasn’t anyone here. And then statues started showing up, and I had thought they were someone trying to give me gifts, but... if they’re people, that’s just...” I can hear her shudder.

“Uhm, miss?” Ditzy says, voice a bit squeaky. “You’re crushing me a little.”

“Sorry.”

I decide to change the subject. “So Myrna. What else would you like to know? I may not be completely accurate, but you’d get a human’s perspective.”

“Uhm, well... are there- no, you already said you killed a demon.”

“Yeah, but there was only one. From what you said, it sounds like they’re overrunning the place. Probably a local variety of demon... though it did look disturbingly human aside from the... other bits. But hey, I can deal with them, I suppose. I got these powers and all. Anyways, enough about the demons. We’re here, they aren’t. Right?”

“R-right... except the one turning things into stone.”

“I’ll take care of it, just need some of that potion and... Idunno, some ruby-quartz glasses or whatever. Now come on, what do you want to know about this place. It is pretty much your home now. Don’t want you walking into town blindly and all.” I pause, noting the darkness again. “Metaphorically that is.”

“Uhm... the locals seem friendly enough... I guess if there’s any cultural things I should know, like not pointing at people, or not throwing peace signs or something.”

“They don’t have fingers... well, Spike does so I guess they could understand basic hand language... at least Twilight should.”

“Well, any I should avoid?”

“Celestia, trust me, she’s a bitch. Been on my case since day one and just went downhill even further the other day.”

“I’m sure the princess had good reasons!” Ditzy says, defensively.

“If her ‘good reason’ is hating me, then yeah. Anyways, where are those guys? I’d like to be able to see again.”

As if in answer to my question, more flapping sounds from above sound off, and I hear more voices. “Hey, we have the potions, and a lot of ‘em in case there’s need for extra. We also have a few charms that should prevent it. Who should we use it on first?” Thunderlane’s voice calls out.

I hear Ditzy speak up. “Alright, Thunderlane, give me a bottle. Anthony, tip your head back, this’ll need to go on your eyes.”

I do as I’m instructed, leaning my head back a bit and wait for the cure. “Alright, go for it.”

I feel liquid, presumably the potion, poured gently onto my face. I feel my eyes start to feel a lot less stiff, and soon, Ditzy stops pouring. I feel alright, but...

“Oh dear gods! It didn’t work! I’m blind for good!” I am totally freaking out, I’m probably flailing, but I think that’s excusable at this moment. I hear one of the other ponies scream in terror. Wait... That’s not fright, that’s laughter.

“Hey Anthony, why don’t you try opening your eyes?”

Suddenly, I can see again. Boy, do I feel like an idiot.

I look around, and see Ditzy smiling up at me, one eye pointing in another direction. Then, one of the ponies looks to my left, and freezes. Wait, no, they’ve just been petrified!

I hear Ditzy, Myrna, and one of the other ponies shout in fear, and I watch as Ditzy begins scanning around in all directions.

“Crap! G- get me one of those charms! I need to be able to fight this thing!”

“What’s going on?” Myrna asks, and I hear something move almost right behind me. Adrenaline pumping, I spin arou-

-nd and fall onto a couch? Wait, the hell is going on? I look around, and see I’m in the library, on the main couch, with Spike standing next to me with an empty glass bottle, a grey-colored film coating the inside.

“Shit, it got me, didn’t it? Completely this time...”

“If by it, you mean she, yeah.” Spike says. “Seems you were, according to Derpy, a little wrong in your guess on what was causing the problem. I’ll let Twilight explain once she gets back in from talking to your new friend.”

“Myrna was doing this? But... that makes no sense. She said she didn’t see anything but statues. They’d have to have been transformed before she found them.”

“Yeah, Twilight did some research, and found a really old book on mythological and extinct species and subraces of pony; there’s one in there called ‘gorgons’ who-”

“Snakes for hair, snake body, she mentioned she was scaly.” I recall all at once. “God damnit it was her.” A second realization struck me “And she played stupid saying it wasn’t her. So I guess we kill her then?”

“Actually, she’s the one who carried you back, and she really didn’t seem like she was doing it on purpose... ah, you’ll just have to go talk to her yourself. We finally figured that just blindfolding her would work and she put this thing she called a bra over her face.”

I roll my eyes. Right, they don’t have ‘underwear’ here. Well they do but it has entirely different meanings. I sigh. “I’ll go talk to her, where is she? Basement?”

“Ah, outside, actually. We’re not sure she’d fit in the library.”

I sigh again. “Yeah, sounds like a gorgon. I’ll be back in a sec.” I get up, stretch and head outside. There I see Twilight, looking rather nervous, talking to a giant snake-like creature... with a human torso. And I mean giant. Her tail half must be at least four feet thick at around the middle. If she had normal legs she’d be about eight or nine feet tall. She is massive. I walk over to her and sit down. “You can go inside Twi, I’ll take it from here.”

Twilight looks conflicted. “B-but I want to continue my questions; I’ve only asked forty of them...”

“I’ll handle it, I said.” I repeat as I scootch Twilight back to the front door of the library and shhe seems a lot less tense now that she’s away from Myrna. “So... you being a gorgon never came up, any particular reason why?”

“Uhm... because I’d never heard of one before?” she says, looking confused, though she’s staring a few inches left of my head.

“Okay, fair enough... but what are we going to do about it? We can’t have a nice girl like you wear a bra on her face for the rest of her life.”

“Oh, yes... We did some experimenting earlier, and when I’m relaxed and calm, I don’t turn people into stone. It’s just, y’know, when I’m stressed.”

“Fair enough.” I say, “Would you say you’re calm now?”

“Yeah, I’ve mostly been wearing it in case I get startled. The pinkie one jumped out of a bush to say ‘hi’ and I accidentally turned her to stone.”

“Yeah, Pinkie does that. She doesn’t mean anything bad by it, she’s just... really friendly. So, let’s cover a few things we should have earlier. You’re a snake.”

“Oh, uhm, yeah. Sorry, wasn’t all that big on my mind thinking about the potential hellish monster coming to kill us all.” she snarks.

“You’ve got quite the attitude, missy.” I reply sternly before softening. “At least you’ll be fun. Anyways... when did this whole... snake thing start?”

“When I arrived here. I mean, I hadn’t been all... snake-y before I got here.” she says, and I notice that there’s a bunch of misaligned scales and pale scars right where her snake half meets her human torso. I also note they’re just about the same width as the slightly clawed fingers on her scaled hands. A moment after she sees me looking at her hands, she tucks them into the pockets of her hoodie, her bra having vanished from her face at some point in the conversation. She’s got some scales on her cheeks and forehead, and her hoodie is up.

“So... you just showed up here and were suddenly a mythological creature you’d never heard of before?”

“Yeah.” she says, nodding. Her eyes, now that I can see them, are really pretty.

“Cool.”

“So... what happened with you getting here?” she asks, shifting in place.

“I woke up here, and I’m a living star.” I trigger my Heat form to demonstrate.

She gasps. “W-woah! You’re warm!” she says, sliding closer. I haven’t even actually tried outputting heat yet, but she can feel the temperature change, apparently.

“Cold-blooded like a snake, too. Interesting.” I say. “So, you’re pretty snake-like. How about your mouth?”

A tinge of red colors her cheeks. “Uh, my m-mouth?” she asks, sounding surprised.

“Like do you have snake fangs or anything? Or a long tongue?”

“Uhm...” she stammers for a moment, then slowly opens her mouth, and it opens wide... wider... wider still, until her chin has touched below where an adam’s apple would be if she were a guy. Inside her mouth is two rows of sharp, thin teeth on either side of her mouth, each pointing slightly back in towards her throat, with a central gap between the rows about two inches wide. Her tongue, long and narrow slides out of her mouth, and she blushes a bit more as her eyes skate away from mine.

The teeth are very off-putting, and I cringe a bit as I imagine her biting me... but she wouldn’t do that, would she? though she could probably bite my head off with that quadrate bone. “Alright.” I say, “And there is one more... major defining feature of gorgons. Their hair... take off the hood, would you?”

She looks down at me, jaw closing with a small ‘pop’. “Ah, alright, but they look kinda weird...” she says, and pulls back the hood. At first, I think it’s just that her head is kinda deformed, no snakes at all, until the first one begins to move, pulling itself out of where it’s tucked into her top. The snake is some form of anaconda or something, and thick around as one of Twilight’s legs. The muddy brown and near-black coloration shines softly in the daylight, as the snake looks at me, flicking its tongue. Four more pull themselves free, and Myrna’s hoodie now looks a lot baggier, five total snakes all peeking at anything nearby with apparent interest. Another, almost as big around as one of my legs, finally pulls itself up sluggishly, and sits on her shoulders for a moment before just going back to draping itself down her back, reaching about where her butt would be on a normal human.

I decide to test their blood as well and increase my temperature slightly, the snakes all taking almost immediate interest in me, except for the big one.

“Your... friends seem to be cold-blooded as well. Interesting. I figured it would be easier for me to ask these questions. Twilight has a thing about snakes. Also, she likely didn’t really talk as much as test you. So... back to you. How do you like Ponyville so far?””

“Well, everybody’s really friendly, the ones who’ll talk to me, at least.”

“Ponies are skittish. They didn’t like me much, some of them still don’t. Just give it time. And maybe show them you’re here to help them. Heh, wanna read some of the fanmail the kids send me after I saved the town?”

“Oh, sure! I’ve uh, never met a real-live hero before.” she says, smiling.

I grin at the praise. “Wouldn’t call myself a hero but they sure do.” I head back into the library and return with some of them.

The first I show her is one of my favorites, just a little kid’s messy writing saying she’s glad I saved her mommy. Myrna laughs and smiles at it. “That’s adorable!”

“Yeah, the ponies are prey animals so they’re naturally scared easy, but they’re nice.” Myrna takes the letters and starts sifting through them at her own pace. “And there’s some from other towns, even other cities, too. Only really been here and Canterlot though.”

“You don’t travel?” she asks, looking through another letter.

“Nah, Ponyville’s a bit of a ‘weirdness magnet’ so leaving here would be like leaving the center of interesting things. Heck, if I left Ponyville, I wouldn’t have met you.”

She blushes again, before reaching for another letter. She goes to open it, and I realize too late that it’s one of the ones with perfume on it... and raunchy contents. “Wow... ah, while I’m not sure that’s anatomically probable, but it sounds like something you’d want to travel for.”

“Oh, uh... well, no, see, I get those all the time too. But, you know, I don’t swing that way... not into ponies.”

“Ah, for a moment I thought you were going to say ‘not into women’.”

“Would me being gay be a problem?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “Trust me I’m not, but still... I’m not a fan of bigots.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have any problems with it, but to be honest, you’re the only guy I’ve met in more than four months who didn’t try to buy me, sell me, or just plain take me.”

“Yeah, I’m not the kind of guy who sees women as objects. Sounds like you got off Earth just in time.”

“Not soon enough...” she whispers, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away.

“More on that later. Let’s not kill the mood.” I say, before realizing I implied there was a mood to kill.

She chuckles wryly, but nods. “A-anyways. Uhm, so what do you normally do for fun around here?”

I shrug. “Terrorize ponies, hang out with the kids, mess with Twilight, prank Pinkie and Rainbow...” I trail off before adding. “Deal with the occasional disaster.”

She nods. “Yeah, sounds like a hero to me.” she says.

“Like I said, not a hero. I prefer anti-hero.” I say, leaning back to lay on the grass and just stare at clouds. “Though as for travelling, here in a few days I’m going to Wunderland. Ever read those books?”

“By Lewis Carroll, right? I haven’t read the originals, but a bunch of the spin-offs and recreations are great.” she says, smiling.

“Yeah, I’m going there. For real. I’d ask if you wanna come with but I think between Pinkie, Twilight, myself and Cadence we should have a pretty full party.”

“Ah, alright... and I’m not sure I want to go from one craziness to another right away.”

“Fine with me. But in the meantime, I understand everything’s a bit new what with your body being mostly snake-y now. Other than the petrification thing, what can you do exactly?”

“Uh, well... I can move stone and a little bit of dirt, sorta. It’s like telekinesis, but I can’t do it with anything else, and it works best when I use my hands on it.” she says, before sighing. “Sorry, that’s a pretty dumb way to say it... Uh, have you ever seen someone working clay on a spinning wheel?” she asks.

I nod “I’ve actually tried doing it personally. It didn’t go well but I have the analogy. You can do that with solid stone?”

“Yeah. And, again, dirt a little. And I can sorta swim in it? I say swim, ‘cuz that’s what it feels like, but it’s dirt and stone, not water or anything...”

Interesting.... “You seem to have an Earth-based powerset, whereas mine is stellar. To a point.” I Spark up and go intangible, sliding out of her embrace as I get up and walk away. I watch as her tail and body sort of fall in from not having anything against them. It’s just then that I realize she was hugging me. I power down to normal again. “Pretty neat, huh?”

“Wow! You’re like Kitty Pride, but you’re a guy!”

“Hey, Shadowcat is hot! I don’t mind having any comparison to her.” I grin. “Although I have to be in my Star form to do it.”

“So?” she asks, furrowing her brows. “Wait, is there something bad about being all... Star-form?” she asks.

“Not that I know of, but I can also get huge, but that seems to be a separate power as I can’t do anything with my star powers while I am.” I grow to about ten feet tall. “Heh, you’re just about my size now... kinda...”

She giggles. “Well, can you shrink, too? Cuz then you’d be like Ant-Man and the Human Torch.”

She’s a comic geek too? Looks I just scored a ten here. I grin. “Nope, can’t shrink, but that would be neat. So, you like comics?”

“Well, duh! Deadpool’s one of my favorites, but any of the X-Men series are great.” she says. “Though I have to say, Batman’s my second-favorite comic series ever.”

“I like Spider-Man.” I say, “He’s awesome. Anyways, more on my powers... I can do kinda what you do with stone, but it only works with coal.”

“Huh, weird. Cool, but weird.” she says. “Do you have anywhere I can show off the last thing I found I can do? It’s... different.”

I nod. “There’s an open field just beyond the library. Unless you need a tree or something. It’s pretty bare.”

“Nah, that’ll work.” she says, and gestures for me to lead on.

I take her out to the field and we’re a good distance away from town. “Alright, show me what you got.”

She nods, and turns to the ground, taking a deep breath before exhaling, hard. A cloud of fog pours from her mouth, sliding across the ground and leaving a trail of frozen grass and flowers, coated in a perfect layer of frost.

She blows the last of the cold from her lips in a puff of condensed air, and looks back at me. “Cool huh?”

“Funny.” I grin. “Doesn’t that get chilly when you’re cold-blooded though?”

“Strangely, no, not when I do it, but the ground still feels painfully cold afterwards.”

“Interesting. And you say you have telekinetic power over stone. Can you, like, make knuckle dusters out of it?”

“Oh, better than that!” she says, and holds up her hands, fingers slightly spread. After a few seconds, grey, soupy liquid pours out of the ground, as if falling up onto her hands, hitting and setting like cooling wax into the shape of a pair of stone gauntlets. Then, she opens her eyes and begins to ‘smooth’ them down into better armored shapes. “And best of all, it feels weightless to me.” she says, holding it out for inspection.

I feel the stone and... it’s solid.. As if they had always been on her hands. “Impressive. I can only do that sort of thing with coal as I said before.” I summon a lump of coal from my pouch and toss it in the air, and make it hover for a few moments. Then I turn it into a sphere and float it over to Myrna.

“Yeah, and coal isn’t as... effective as stone, really.” she says.

“Oh?” I say questioningly. “I make do.”I form the small lump into a three-dimensional snake figure, and have it slither in place, floating just in front of her face. It coils up, and then just floats there.

“Heh, I can’t make it float that well.”

“I can do more than make it float.” I grin. Holding the little snake figure in my hand, barely fitting in my palm, I begin the process of turning it into diamond. Once I’m done, I feel worn out as usual, but I hand the diamond snake charm to Myrna.

“You could probably put some thread through the loop and make a necklace or something. Man, I need to sit down...”

Once I hand her the diamond snake, I head back inside the library and sit on my bed. That always takes a lot out of me... Wow, that pillow’s getting awful cl-

Jump to top

Chapter 29

I’m not sleepy just... exhausted. My brain has already been kinda frazzled from today’s events, and now I’m dealing with power-use fatigue. I didn’t have to do it, but I felt like showing off. And I kinda wanted to give her something special as a welcome gift to say ‘Hi! For the first few weeks, you will be a freak, but that’s fine because I’m a friend and I don’t care that you’re a snake-person!’

Also, there’s her story of getting here. Or rather, the demons. What’s going on? Are there going to be more demons coming here? Well, if there was some sort of contest and the winner was the one who killed or corrupted the Element of Kindness... yeah, Fluttershy would be on the top of my hit list. Guess I should at least anticipate them...

But how many demon attacks could Ponyville take? I’d say it might take a modern human militia force to be effective at just slowing one. These ponies... they aren’t warlike. They don’t have the violent nature for that kind of thing. I just don’t know if that a good thing as they work together... or a bad thing because they aren’t prepared for threats.

Guess I kind of am their hero. I protect them with a form of violence that... they just can’t conceive. Oh well.

I grab another of Blueish’s books on Wunderland. I’m flipping through the book, only half paying attention, when I’m suddenly hit by something large and traveling fast, right in the gut. On reflex, I Spark up, going almost immediately to my Heat form. I hear a yelp of pain, and look down to see Rainbow Dash bounce off of me, her belly singed. I sigh, and groan a little.

“Jeez Dash. You need to start using the door, sometime. I’m not the right person to surprise with a body slam.”

“Sorry, man. And you should be more careful, too! You coulda burned me!” She gives me a half-hearted glare, but I’m not impressed.

“Yes, I need to be careful and wary while I’m laying on my bed, in my room, and always expect that if something hits me, they won’t start wrecking the town unless I do something.”

“Oh come on, that’s only happened, uh...” She concentrates, scrunching up her face to do the math. “Three times? Or two? I can’t remember! And one of those was your fault, you let out Discord!”

“First of all, I’m glad I finished high school before I came here, seems I wouldn’t be getting that good of an education if an element of Harmony can’t count. Secondly, Discord was fun, just out of control and I put him in his place. I agree, he needs training.”

“Hey! I can count to, like, a hundred! On my own! I didn’t have time for school, I was training to fly like a champ when I was younger!”

“Well, you certainly show it. Tell me, how many zeroes are in one-thousand?”

“Duh, none! It’s a word!” Dash puffs her chest out happily, a smug look on her face. Okay, that’s almost funny, but it works.

“For the record, I’m glad I live with the smart one, even if your science around here is completely screwed up. Lightning that doesn’t kill? Never heard of electrical fires? Bullcrap.”

“Pfft, you’re the one with screwy science. Lightning that kills? Lightning setting things on fire? Crazy.” We look at each other, before cracking smiles.

I give an evil grin, enter my Dynamo form, and start generating some electricity. “Wanna put your money where your muzzle is? How much you wanna wager I can’t turn a piece of paper to ashes with just electricity?”

“Oh come on, everypony knows that if you put enough energy of any kind through anything, it either melts or explodes. Unless it’s a chariot in an action play, then it blows up when anything happens to it other than being driven.”

I grin. “It turns too hard- BOOOOOM!” I emphasize the word by spreading my arms apart quickly and flailing them. Dash and I both start laughing.

“Hits a pothole! Kablooie!” Dash shouts, laughing and rolling on the ground.

“Yeah, explosions are nice and all, but seriously that stuff is ridiculous. But I’m not kidding, the only reason your lightning is safe is because it’s wimpy. Could you squeeze out a lightning bolt with enough power to cause a real explosion?”

“Ha! As if I’d waste the time. The real lightning is used by the Cloudsdale Elite Guard. They’ve all got actual combat experience, and they can generate lightning able to fry a gryff to death.” Dash stops for a moment before suckign in her lip. “Er, but that’s kinda a state secret that Spitfire let slip when we hung out at the Gala. Please don’t tell anypony?”

“Rainbow Dash, technically speaking, I only live here. I come from another planet. Most of this stuff I couldn’t even use.”

“Well, yeah, but nopony is supposed to know about it, it’s their secret weapon in case there’s ever a major invasion.” Dash actually looks really desperate to keep this under wraps.

“Is it public knowledge that they have a secret weapon, even if the specifics are unknown?”

“No. Supposedly, they’re just better trained, and only get in if they get actual combat experience outside the unit. But really, it’s if they find somepony who can actually boltcast, and they teach ‘ya how to hone that. Spitfire can do it, but she declined joining, so did Soarin’.”

“That’s a really stupid military tactic.” At the look of confusion I get from Dash, I decide to clarify. “Think about it. If you say your city has a secret weapon that can kill a gryphon, but the opposition doesn’t know what it is and therefore doesn’t know how to stop it, it sounds like you have the ultimate weapon, which means only the really brave or really stupid would attack, thus meaning, fewer attackers overall.”

“Uhm, Anthony? We are ruled by the two beings who control the sun and moon. They had a heated debate a thousand years ago that made the entire world endure a two-week night. I think our ‘obvious’ weapons are good enough.” Rainbow Dash looked smugly at me.

“And yet here I stand, enough power to wipe out both of them in seconds... and I’m on the inside... And if there are more of those demons...”

Dash looks at me worriedly. “But... how are you more powerful than Luna or Celestia? Or both, really?”

“Because I don’t shy away from killing. I don’t need to match their power, I just need to kill them. Seriously, you guys think way too much about magic and not enough about mortality.”

“B- but if you killed them, then what about the sun and moon? There’s nothing else strong enough to move them.”

“I’m a stellar being, I don’t really need sunlight. Or the moon. Technically speaking, I could completely wipe you all out and lose nothing. I’m your worst nightmare.” I then give her a happy smile. “And we’re friends!!” I crush her in a big bear hug.

She eeps, and shouts, “Not cool, man! I was freakin’ out!”

“Rainbow, think about it. Sure I wouldn’t lose anything, but what would I gain? The only reason anybody fights is to gain something from it. If I have no reason to be your enemy, why should I be?” I pause. “There is no reason. I’m also not the kind who kills for fun. Even with our screwy science, us humans are dangerous, but if there’s nothing for us to gain from being violent, we just don’t care.”

Dash nods, her fuzzy face tickling my ear. “Oh, yeah, I came in through your window because Twilight cussed me out last week for breaking another window, and I wanted to get in. The other windows are closed. D’ya know where the new Daring Do book is?”

“Still don’t know how you guys stand that trash... check the kids section, seriously, it’s just a kid’s series.” I push her back slightly so I can look her in the eyes.

“Just shows you don’t like history. It’s all based on real things, I just know it!”

“For a while, people thought Star Wars was based on real stuff that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. And you are right, I never got more than a B in any History class I took. I hate it.”

Rainbow lets out another ‘pfft’ that ruffles my bangs, and I realize that my hair is falling across my eyes in a tangled, curly mess. Crap, I need a haircut.

“Anyway, go find your literary garbage heap, and I’m gonna go find a place to get a haircut. I need to rid of this giant mop on my head.” I’m about to get up but then I think about something. “Hey Dash, you’re a tough pony, right? What’d you think of some of the music I played at my hero party?”

“Pretty awesome!”

“Hmmm... how about something a little more... dark?”

“Dude! Awesome!”

“Alright... just warning you. Not everyone will enjoy this, ‘cause a bunch of you ponies are wusses. Here’s a good one.” I pull the Lyre out from under my mattress and start playing thesong.

Once more, the song began flowing as the night crept up my arms. About halfway through, I saw that she’s air-guitaring along with the song, a goofy grin on her face.

The two of us head bob, and she somehow gets the lyrics along with me.

The song soon is finished and I’m panting. “And that... is what we call Hard Rock!”

“That...” Dash pants a few times. “Whoo... that was awesome! I can see why you didn’t play it with the foals around, though. Heh... oh, I’m gonna go check out that book, and maybe go see what the new person, whatsername, uh...”

“Myrna. Personally, I wouldn’t forget the name of a hundred-plus foot-long snake woman who turned me to stone. But that’s just me, I guess.”

Dash nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She shudders, and a look of fear passes over her face. “It was like being stuck in a full-body cast, but I couldn’t see and it felt like I was suffocating, like, the whole time!”

“Yeah, I’d imagine that’s what being turned to stone feels like. I can’t imagine how Discord could stand that for a thousand years. Which, by the way, is three zeros.”

Dash frowns again. “I- I guess I never thought of it like that.”

“Suddenly, him always trying to escape being hit by the elements makes sense, huh?”

Dash nods, and begins making her way shakily to the stairs. “I’m, uh, just going to get the... the book.”

“How the mighty fall, when they realize that their treatment of villains, is just as villainous.” I pause looking at Rainbow. “Nevermind, just thinking aloud.”

Now, I’m looking around the town, because I’ve honestly not needed the services of a barber in the last two-ish years... or maybe, exactly two, if Myrna really does come from the same world as me.

I figure that I might stop by the spa, see if the owners knew. Similar business and all that. Plus, I hadn’t met the owners yet, despite being at the spa yesterday.

I step up to the spa, seeing that it states it’s not open on sundays and mondays, which isn’t a problem, as it’s wednesday now. Ducking under the relatively short door as usual, I look around. There’s only two ponies in here, one of them being... Big Mac? Huh, well, guess I’m not the only tough guy who likes a bit of pampering. Also, an orange pony with curly hair, who’s reading a magazine.

I decide I should just sit down and wait. I don’t think anything in these magazines would be interesting, but I decide I might give one a shot, not actually looking at the title.

The magazine is full of various tips about growing gardens, all with weirdly worded sentences. Also, most of the phrasing makes no sense. Wait... I stop as I get to the ‘readers write in’ section, and the realization hits me that the entire magazine is written in classy double entendre. About vegetable gardening.

Gingerly, I put the magazine back on the table and settle into my chair. If that’s their idea of smut used for humor... good lord this place is messed up. I take a chance with another, this time looking at the title first. Equestrian Geographic.

Heh, this might be interesting. Maybe I can learn something. I find an article on gryphon culture. Flipping past the two-page photo of a painting of a castle shaped like a bird skull, I scan the article.

‘Many decades before the rise of the Diarchy to power over Equestria as its rulers, the Grand Empire of King Rueter rose to power, and a more dynamic king has, thankfully, not been seen since those times’ was the opener, followed soon by ‘Gleb Rueter was the first Gryphon to unify the entirety of the Gryphon Nations, taking the scattered threads of civilization, and weaving them into a glorious basket, capable of carrying all of Gryphon kind.’

What the fuck am I reading? No, really? I mean... what’s with the basket thing? I thought gryphons... well, as far as my mythology went, they are semi-intelligent, and fully sentient here. But mostly, they’re just predators... I mean, sure they could have a kingdom but... something about this sounds... wrong. But I just don’t know why.

This is definitely the same magazine as National Geographic, but with a different title. And planet, I suppose.

I read a little more, morbid curiosity daring me to. ‘The fundamental barbarity of gryphons prevents their civilizations from lasting long.’ Hell of a quote. The gryphon I met certainly served meat, but he seemed nice, he wasn’t a brute, he was grateful for Vinyls help... Oh well, I guess there’s probably something similar to the First Amendment here, so they can write whatever crap they want.

I look up, and see that the orange mare has already left, I must’ve sat here longer than I thought, going over this article. I’m about to ask if there’s any way to call the spa owners when one opens the door and calls in Big Mac.

Just sitting here, I think about looking over another magazine, but only the fates know what I’ll get this time... I decide not to, so I just sit and wait. I’m not even here as a customer, I just wanna know where a salon is!

After about half an hour of waiting later, the orange mare from before leaves, her mane more bouncy and shiny than before, and the pony who let her out looks to me. I sense some vague recollection, and the blue mare with a pink mane smiles at me.

I get up and walk over. “Uh, yeah, hi. Uh, I was wondering if Ponyville had a salon, and if so, where it is and what it’s called.”

“Oh! Vell, my seester und I can-” she coughs once, then continues. “ah, that is, my sister and I can help you vith your hair, Anthony. And you still have that discount!” She smiles broadly.

“Well, thanks. I guess if I’m here, I might see what other services you have. Though a massage might be difficult. Muscle structure being pretty much completely different. But you’re welcome to try.”

The mare squeals happily. “Very vell, then! Eets your first time here, so you get this one free. I’ll go get my sister. Mr. McIntosh is volunteering for today, so we’re not short of hooffs.”

“Well, lead the way, uh... I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

She giggled again, behind her hoof, and led me into the building. “It’s Lotus, Anthony.”

I’m led to the main area of the spa and I see the general stuff I’d expect from a human spa. A jacuzzi, a sauna, massage beds, mud packs, all that stuff. Granted everything is sized for a pony, so I’m a little big, but it seems like the spa sisters are going to do their best anyway. Lotus leads me over to another pony in similar attire. In fact, they’re completely identical, except this new pony has a pink coat with a blue mane. Even the colors are exactly the same, just swapped.

“This ees my twin sister, Aloe.”

“It ees vonderfol to finally meet you, mister Anthony!” Aloe greets me with a large smile. “I vill be giffing you your manecut.”

“It’s certainly nice to meet you. Don’t give me anything fancy though, just cut it short. I’m not big on appearances.”

One of the sisters clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Such a shame, it ees much to vork vith.”

“I’d rather not start fighting another demon and have my hair accidentally cover my eyes.”

“Still, it ees a shame nonetheless.” Aloe leads me to a chair that is just barely big enough for me, and Lotus brings out a stepping stool so Aloe can actually reach my head.

Despite having just hooves, she manages to use scissors just as easily as a person. It doesn’t take long before she is finished and I am brought a mirror. I take a look and it’s just as I requested. Rather short, not completely flat, but not a giant mass. Said giant mass is now on the ground, being swept up by another stallion.

Once that is done, the sisters take a few of the pony-sized massage beds and set them up next to each other, making a large table that could fit me. I lay on it, after being instructed to lay on my stomach. I hear heavy hoofsteps on the smooth tile floor, along with Aloe or Lotus explaining to whoever is to be giving me my massage the run-down on what to do.

A moment of silence, then the hooves move to me. A crackling like knuckles being popped echoed from above me, and I have no time to contemplate it before the first hoof hits my back.

However, it’s not a hit like in combat, but merely the sudden placement of a hoof on my back. It’s big enough to cover one shoulder blade entirely. The inside of the hoof, which I should take the time to learn the name of some day, moved in ripples as it begins to massage my back. The hoof begins to move, pulsing and moving like machine designed for massages, another hoof beginning to do the same.

I can feel my muscles almost liquefying, knots in my back almost removing themselves.

Then, a series of careful, precise jabs along my spine seemed to almost shatter it - but after a second, I relax as I feel my spine settle into a relaxed, natural curve. I sigh happily.

Nearly fifteen minutes of being worked over later, the massage stops. Rolling over, I prepare to thank my masseur profusely, as they did an excellent job. Sure enough, as advertised, it’s Big Mac, his hair tied back by a spa headband. He looks at me with an expression that asks if I approve of his work.

“Wow, that was good, man. Thanks. Taking a break from the farm today?”

He nods. “Eeyup.”

From the next bed over, I hear a familiar voice, but drowsy, speak up. “And he does an excellent job, too~” I look past Big Mac, and see a large, white pony practically merging with her massage bed from relaxation, her wings limp and horned head down in the rest.

“Now what would Princess Celestia be doing here in a spa in Ponyville?” I ask, confusedly. “I’m sure there are better places closer to Canterlot. Right?”

“Mmm... if I wanted to cover my eyes in cucumber slices and mud, I’d have another food fight with my sister in the gardens. Here, I can get just a massage and hot soak... and a masseuse who’ll pummel my back until I can’t feel my hips~” her voice is almost a purr. “I get three hours to get this done every month, and it’s worth so much more than any in Canterlot.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac adds.

I raise an eyebrow a I pull my clothes back on. “You can only get this kind of treatment three hours per month?” I ask. “Jeez, can’t you get a break more often? I mean, you’re... well, half in charge of everything.”

“And if I leave the nobility in half charge of everything for more than three hours, I risk coming back to anarchy, revolt, or another cultist uprising.”

“Cultist uprising? I had no idea the princess was allowed to joke around.” I say flatly.

“I wish I was joking.” she says grumpily, before sighing. “Any time I’m missing, either a bunch of doomsayers or solar cultists pop up like mushrooms on a dungheap. Sometimes both, and then I have to clear out the most ridiculous turf wars afterwards.”

“I didn’t think the nobility had the brain cells to start a cult. They seem to think with their pockets before anything else.” I reply, recalling my brief stay in Canterlot.

“Well, you’re not wrong...” she says, sighing deeply. “Either way, the summary is that I can’t leave my ponies unattended. I’ve tried before, Luna has tried before, it has always ended poorly. May we change topics? I’d like to be relaxing here right now.”

I shrug. “Fair enough. Though there are a few issues I’d like to talk about, now that we aren’t surrounded by ponies that expect me to kiss your feet or take off your head.”

“Oh?” she asks, before giving a hearty moan at Big Mac going to work on her back again. It kinda does look like assault from here, but she seems to be fine with it.

“Why pick me to be the bodyguard for the new changeling queen? I mean, why not someone who hadn’t voted to kill them all?”

“Because you already -oof- have an idea what her mother was like. Because you nee -aah- eed to learn moderation of your -ooh- reactions. Because I felt it -oof- would make you a better, kinder -mmm- being. Because -ow- you needed to learn they weren’t all -ooh- evil. There’s dozens of reasons, take your -mmf- pick.”

“Didn’t change their view of me much, especially since I basically said that if they didn’t do exactly as their new leader said I’d roast them. And given what I heard about the new queens sisters, they aren’t all evil but they certainly aren’t exactly model citizens.”

“That is -mmf- one of the things I’m worried about. From what the -ooh- intelligence report said, the -aah- new queen is willing to work for -oof- peace, but took the brunt of the appalling treatment -mmm- she and her sisters took from their mother. If the -haaa- reports are true, Chrysalis’ crimes are numerous enough to -ooh- warrant a war crimes trial for -mmf- actions long before she engaged -aah- Equestria.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured she was a bitch when she tried to make me into a meat battery. That and not even naming your kid. The new queen seemed pretty happy when I gave her one.”

“You named her? And she accepted?” Celestia asks as Big Mac lets up on the massaging. The large red stallion looks her over before nodding and moving towards a large metal rolling table covered in oils, lotions, and various spa implements.

“Renaissance.” I specify. “She seemed to like it. I figured it was fitting since she was supposed to be replacing a tyrant... and not being a tyrant herself.”

“Mmm... good name. Still, our research into Changeling practices state that only someone your better can name you. And trying to give a nickname or the like is a sign that you think you’re better than the changeling you’re naming.”

“Nobody in the hive seemed to question it, and she seemed really proud that she had a name. So what, am I now her surrogate dad or something? Because I’m not gonna do that, I’m not up for being a father.”

“... We’ll go with ‘or something’ for this, Anthony. I don’t think you’d be comfortable with the details I was informed of for non-relations in this sort of situation.”

I sigh. “Fair enough. So, what’s it like being a princess who... well I should probably clarify what ‘princess’ means in human culture, huh?”

“That would likely help my explanation, yes.” she says, as Big Mac gingerly lifts a series of stones out of a small brazier, each of them glowing slightly from the heat, and settling them onto Celestia’s back. She coos at the temperature.

“Well, a princess... is the daughter of the queen. She's not in charge of anything really, princess is more of a title you get because you were born into it. In general, the main job of a princess is to do nothing and wait to marry some prince of another country or kingdom and become a queen herself.”

“Sounds like a less martial form of the Griffon royal system.”

“Yeah, princesses are mainly a prize for a hero or something, because it’s typical for a princess to be beautiful and all important because she’s royal. But you act more like a king... being in actual charge of the kingdom and passing laws and holding courts. Heck, that’s why it’s called a kingdom.”

“Hmm... well, Equestria is just a nation, but I suppose that makes sense where you come from. Technically, we’re a federated states, but the laws interpreting it that way were quietly abolished nine hundred years before Luna’s exile.” Celestia explains, her voice getting slowly more and more quiet as she relaxes into the bench.

“And the way I see it, based on the way you described, you guys are based on a herd system for the most part, like Earth horses.” she interrupts me to chide me for the term ‘horse’, but I roll on, “You’re in charge, and when the person in charge of the whole group is gone, the herd has no idea what to do and just sort of falls apart unless there’s already a pecking order established in the herd itself.”

“Well, the original idea of the Stable of Nobility was specifically to provide that ‘pecking order’ as you so put it, but, well... mortals don’t have the same ability to look two or three thousand years ahead when they make an action in self interest. While I wish I could say my foresight is perfect... well, I established the Stable of Nobility and gave it immunity to dissolution by the crown. I thought it would make them responsible for their own actions... and for the first few generations, it did.”

“One big mistake early on, princess...” I say, settling down and just staring at the ceiling. “Don’t give power to those who’ve never earned it. I guarantee you they won’t know what to do with it and it’ll all go downhill.”

She sighs, and Big Mac comes back, holding up a mud pack and offering it to me. I shake my head in refusal and he sets it on the cart without a word.

“Still, that is something I hadn’t yet been able to anticipate. I should’ve taken better heed of the problems surrounding the existing power structures when Luna and I took over. We were still young, then. Hindsight is sixteen-sixteen.”

“Twenty-Twenty.” I say. “Humans say Twenty-Twenty vision for hindsight. That’s perfect for us.”

“Why twen- oh, yes, you have four fingers and a thumb on each hand. I assume you’re used to a base ten math structure, then?”

“You use base four?” I ask, a bit intrigued. “Strange. Ten just seems like a much more rounded number, as it’s twice the halfway point for single digits.”

“For you, perhaps. I think there may be some form of translation effect between us, because every word you’re not making sense. Eight is twice ten.”

“Weirdos.” I say. “Explains why you’re still in the dark ages if you’re using math like that.”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that. Math is math, no matter the number system you use. You can use tally marks to explain math, and it makes the same results as any other form.” Celestia says, sounding like she’s said it before.

“Yeah well, still, you guys are pretty low-tech. You don’t even have microwave ovens.”

“‘Microwave’ ovens? They shrink things? Or they use small waves?” Celestia asks.

I throw her a snarky grin. “Don’t worry, if it’s over your head I won’t hurt your fragile little brain with the details.”

“Mmm... so you resort to backpedalling into juvenile comments when you can’t explain, understood.” she snarks right back.

“The princess still showing an unprofessional side, but only when relatively alone. Interesting. Why wear a mask that says you are a paragon?”

“I don’t put it on. Everypony else does that for me.” she says.

“I can fix that.” I say. “If you’d like. Then you wouldn’t have to be praised for every breath you take and be treated like you hallow the ground with every step you take.”

“No... I can’t force them back into anarchy again. I have worked for a thousand years and more... to make them less dependant on me. They will eventually take their own steps without me guiding them to good. Many already do. I rarely have to leave Canterlot anymore to deal with dark mages, death cultists, and monster ranchers with sinister intent anymore.”

“Maybe you should.” I say. “Then the ponies wouldn’t have to rely on me to clean up problems like that.”

“So far, you’ve only saved Ponyville, and sort of Ponyville again, depending on how much of Discord’s damages you take responsibility for. However... you are potentially reforming him to become a constructive and helpful force, not merely a danger, and I thank you for that. I just wish you could apply that understanding to more than just the outcasts of this world.” I notice that there aren’t any other ponies in the Spa with us at this point.

“It’s the outcasts that deserve acceptance. You don’t need acceptance if you’re already accepted. Right? Isn’t that a good lesson? Don’t take more of something when you already have enough of it?”

“You know very little of how a society works if you think others accepting you is all that is needed to accept one’s self.”

“Pfft, I already accept myself and that’s all I need. Besides, it’s your job to build society, not mine, so that’s a moot point.”

“As you say.” she responds offhandedly, before groaning and lifting the stones from her back, where they’ve cooled down to normal temperatures. “Unfortunately, I have to cut this conversation short. I have thirty minutes to get back to Canterlot before risking the nobility trying to sneak a law past me that lets them re-enact slavery or some other stupid idea they thought of this time.” she says.

“I’d like to do this again. It’s nice to have a chat rather than a stern demonizing.”

“That would be nice, Anthony. I enjoy being talked to as a person as well. It’s a rare enough treat. Perhaps in a few months, once you get back from Wunderland.” Celestia lights her horn and simply teleports away.

Jump to top

chapter 31

I look at Twilight. “Hey, is that any way to treat our host, Twilight? I thought you were a nice pony!”

Twilight just covers her face with, well me, and screams in what can only be abject terror.

Granny Pie rolls her eyes, of which she now has dozens. “Pfft, I haven’t done any good Boojum work in decades, weeks even.” I look over at her, and see that she’s now a giant insect of some kind, and petting the cat from earlier.

“Come on Twilight, what were you expecting? A Snark?”

“Technically, dear, I am a snark.” Granny Pie points out.

Huh, as I recall, Boojum pretended to be Snarks... huh, oh well. “That doesn’t matter. Come on Twi, you’re a grown mare, stop acting like that, just be glad you haven’t insulted Granny Pie.” I peel Twilight off of me and drop her onto the floor, making sure she at least lands on her feet. “And watch out for the egg timers, you wouldn’t want to ruin their reunion either, would you?”

Twilight just sort of gibbers incoherently, and Cadence rolls her eyes, levitating Twilight into one of the plush chairs.

“Actually,” Granny Pie states, “I am rather insulted, but pay that no mind, you’ve only got one and none to share.” I’m not sure if I’m insulted by that or not. Technically I do have just one mind.

Cadence just laughs. “Oh, I forgot how fun it is speaking in Wunderland. Oh, Mrs. Pie, if you-”

Granny Pie holds up a hoof, looking like an alicorn as well, but of some madness or another. “Now now, ‘mrs.’ is my godmother’s name. I’m Preamble Pie, if you’re going by first names.”

Cadence seems to have lost her train of thought. I feel compelled to offer to help her find it... she’s right, Wunderland is awesome! I look over at Twilight. I feel like she might be a bit over her head here. She’s having a bit of trouble transitioning, which means I can say just about anything now.

Twilight twitches violently, then relaxes. “I am most sorry for being so rude to you, madam, and I hope that you might forgive me.”

Granny Pie scoffs. “Well, it’s better than nothing, I suppose.” A loud ding echoes from the kitchen, and Granny Pie stands up, turning into a vaguely anthropomorphic giraffe in the process. She steps quickly to the kitchen, and comes back with the casserole dish from earlier, the top covered with foil, but steaming slightly.

“Ah, here we are! I’m afraid you haven’t said much, Cadence, so your serving’s a little light, but it should be good anyways.”

Cadence titters. “Don’t worry, I’m on a diet. A light meal is better for me anyways.”

Granny Pie nods, scooping something from the casserole dish, and pours directly onto Cadence... some light? A rainbow burst of color flows like a liquid towards Cadence before splitting off in every direction. Oh, a ‘light meal’. Cadence looks a little disappointed, as well.

“I’m not sure how much I’m going to get, I’ve been rather talkative. I’d hate to be given too much.” I say, starting to catch on.

“Well, if you’re sure.” Granny Pie says, handing me a bowl and spooning out a... pile of letters? My other guess was right, I was about to literally eat my own words. Hah, called it! Shrugging, I take a spoonful and it is pulled up in sentences, acting like noodles, even though the letters aren’t connected. It’s like alphabet ramen! I take a spoonful of the stuff and put it in my mouth, wondering what it would taste like.

I nearly can’t tell I’ve eaten it, and it’s really kind of bland. Every now and then, there’s something that tastes good, but it’s not as tasty as I’d thought sometimes.

Twilight begins gibbering again, while Pinkie is handed a small plate, with a donut on it, her two sentences on the top in icing. I have the strong feeling she was gaming me for everything I got.

Finally, after everyone had eaten, Twilight not liking hers for how hot it was, Granny Pie handed out dessert. It was a bunch of words, bunched up and sort of like cookies.

The first one I picked up said, ‘THERE’S NO REASON TO WORRY, I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING’. Huh. I feel like I should expect the next one to say ‘HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS’ but that’s just a guess.

I look down at the plate, and see Twilight pick up exactly the one I was expecting. Well, now, this should be interesting. I take a bit of my own cookie, finding it quite palatable and easy to swallow. I take another bite, not knowing whether I should expect the same or different. Both were just as likely. How it happens is that it’s just as tasty and easy to down as the first bite, if not easier.

I glance over and see Cadence politely refusing the dish, and I get a good look at the dish from a different angle than before, revealing that the dish full of word-cookies is only half there, many of the cookies sticking off into empty space, some only hanging in there by chance or a well-hooked J or C.

Granny Pie looks at me. “It’s pretty good, right? Such lovely notions, too bad they’re only half-done. Still, I only had enough for a half bakery, so no full ideas.” Oh god, I just swallowed a half-baked idea.

But then, so did Twilight. Hah, this should be interesting. “So Twilight,” I ask. “What’s on your mind... figuratively?” Yeah, I think I know how to get this to work out right.

“Well, I’ve got something, but it’d be easier to show you than tell you.” Twilight levitates her plate towards me. “Here, hold my food, and watch this.”

I grin widely and take it. This will be awesome!

Twilight stands on the edge of the table, and Cadence looks up, worry on her face. Twilight, through sheer dint of skill, balances herself wobbily on one hoof, determination on her face as she begins charging a spell. Then, she falls over, and would have cracked her head open if Cadence hadn’t caught her.

Ha, half-baked indeed. I am never going to let Twi live this down. I’m just laughing and I finish off my cookie. I know what I’m doing, no reason for me to worry.

Chuckles aside, though, we all relax on the couches, and the cat even comes over, and lays on my lap.

“Hello there.” I say to the cat. “Do you mind if I pet you?”

“I was rather counting on it, actually. Now would you get to work?” Definitely an actual cat, then.

“Very well then. I’m told I’m good with my fingers.” I begin petting the cat, and turn to Twilight. “So, how are you enjoying Wunderland, Twi?”

“I think I had an aneurysm, but that’s not important.” Twilight’s mane spontaneously wigs out, strands springing in every direction. “Once we actually leave tomorrow morning, I can start researching everything. Oh, it’s going to be so much fun!”

“Research is fine, but don’t forget to experience things as well.”

“How could I forget? You need to experience the paperwork to make it work! It makes sense, because we’re in Wunderland!” I think Twilight broke. Crap. Oh well, I’ll try and fix her, but first I might need to find the pieces.

I turn to Cadence. “You know we’ve already eaten, you don’t have to stay quiet.”

Cadence shrugs. “I’m not that talkative, really. Just when there’s something I want to talk about.” I look over, and see that there’s a big bite taken out of a cookie labeled, ‘IT’S PROBABLY BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AT ALL’.

I check to see what sort of cookie Pinkie got. She’s gnawing gently on one that says, ‘SILENCE IS GOLDEN. DUCT TAPE IS SILVER. I HAVE ONE AND CAN MAKE THE OTHER’. I’m not sure what to think about that. For the time being, I just decide to sit and pet the cat. Then something occurs to me. I can ask a question. “So what do cats think about all day?”

“Well, I suppose it depends on the cat. I, personally, imagine every way I can brutally murder my owner.” The cat pauses for a moment. “After num-nums, of course.” Yup, that sounds like a cat all right. I sigh and return to my petting, wondering what will happen next.

After an hour of conversation, both confusion and not, we’re finally too tired to go anywhere, and end up passing out on the chairs, Twilight being the only one who protested. Seems she’s still afraid of the Boojum that is Pinkie’s grandma. I can’t imagine someone feeling skeptical after they just got free food. I feel like I need to help Twilight adjust... tomorrow... maybe.

I wake up and I see I’m still in the chair, though my current surroundings aren’t granted to be the same as when I fell asleep, this being Wunderland, so once I rub the sleep from my eyes I take a look around and I see that the room is... gone. In fact, I’m rather alone now, sitting in a very comfy chair in the midst of a jungle with bright, cheerfully colored plants.

I don’t trust any of them.

A tall, tall tree with blue bark and blue vines is the most vivid piece of color, but there’s a small bed of flowers nearby, all of them a tall as my waist. There’s all sorts of bushes, plants, and other things leaving me with no obvious way out of the clearing.

I don’t really have much to do. I’m lost and I don’t want to just wander off. Who knows what will happen? So I call out for Pinkie, Twilight and Cadence, hoping they are somewhere nearby.

A gentle chirping, something moving in the jungle, and various animal noises are all that answers me. A quiet tittering sound, almost exactly what I’d imagine fancy noble-ladies ‘politely’ laughing at someone would sound like, comes from the clearing. Not really knowing what to expect, I just decide to check it out. After a few moments of walking, I realize the sound isn’t changing in volume. Then I realize it’s the flowers around me. Sure, laughing flowers, because why the fuck not?

“What’s so funny?” The ‘polite’ tittering only gets more prevalent, and I look at the bed of waist-high flowers. It looks like they’re all looking inwards, towards... something, I’m not sure. I try to crane my neck to see what they’re ‘looking’ at.

Leaning over the flowers causes them to notice me, gasping and leaning away from me as I loom over them. In their midst is... Twilight. She’s about an inch and a half tall, and has a couple of bleeding cuts on her. She also looks terrified.

Very very carefully I pick her up. I’m not sure how the shrinking affected her hearing, so I decide I’d whisper. Geez, she is really tiny! “Twilight, what happened? Well, aside from the obvious answer ‘you shrunk’ that is.”

She moves her mouth, and gesticulates wildly, but I can’t hear a thing from her, even though she’s no more than four inches in front of me.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you. You are really tiny.” I whisper. I need to think of something. “Geez, I still wish I could shrink. Uh... here.” I try to hold her up to my ear, this is certainly becoming an interesting adventure.

As clear as if she was normal sized, I hear her talk into my ear, and I can feel her teeny hooves on my ear. “Why are you whispering, Anthony? I can hear you just fine! Also, we need to get away from those flowers, they attacked me! They said I was a rat...” She sounds really put out.

I stop whispering. “Well, pardon me, sorry for not knowing if the possibility of my voice at it’s normal volume could have shattered your now tiny eardrums. Guess I shouldn’t be so considerate in the future.” I snark as I wade my way through the flowers.

I can almost hear Twilight rolling her eyes. “Oh come on, Anthony, you can’t get ear damage from loud noises. That’s just ridiculous!”

I hold her up to my face, looking into her teeny little eyes. “Wanna prove that? I’m willing to bet at this point, me clapping or just yelling would hurt your ears. Again, it happens to humans.”

Twilight gives me a micro-sized look of incredulity. “Well, then maybe humans are more fragile than ponies! Because pegasi regularly deal with sonic booms and thunderclaps, and those would be louder, mathematically, than you clapping right now would be.”

“Yeah, you think our mortality rate would be so high if we were all super tough? We die from some really stupid things. We aren’t that amazing.”

“Well, then, take my word for it - the only thing that causes damage to eardrums is physical violence. It’s not like sound is a physical force or anything, it’s magical!”

I decide to explain the vibration of air molecules for later, instead I take another approach. “And we all know that magic can’t possibly be dangerous.”

“Only battlemagic and wild magics are dangerous, unless seriously mishandled!” Heh, her voice is so whispery like this.

“So anyway, we should probably find a way to get you back to normal, or heal your wounds. Not sure which is more pressing, honestly.”

I feel something tap me on the leg, gently. I look down and see that one of the flowers is trying to get my attention. It appears to be a poppy, and is only as tall as my knee. “Uhm, mister, why are you talking to a rat?” it asks.

“Because you never know what you could learn from a rat. I’m sure that they might have interesting things to talk about.” I completely avoid mentioning the fact that Twilight isn’t a rat, and this visibly annoys her.

The little flower looks thoughtful, but the larger ones titter again.

“So, why were you attacking her?”

The other flowers gasp, sounding offended. “We were just defending our roots! Everyone knows rats will hurt some poor flower if they get the chance.” I notice that most of the flowers are tall, dense roses, covered in very long thorns. That explains Twilight’s injuries...

“So I assume you have nothing to do with her size? She’s supposed to be much bigger.” I give Twilight a sideways glance. “Though not by too much.”

The flowers titter again, something that is starting to get very annoying. “Well, she was here, and that size when she showed up here. If she gets any fatter though, you’ll want to get a new rat.” The rose, with its face-shaped arrangement of petals, put its ‘nose’ in the air.

“Yeah, doesn’t get much exercise, this one, that happens when you spend all day reading.” I’m having a ton of fun at Twilight’s expense. “Anyway, you nice flowers wouldn’t happen to know how we could fix this, would you?”

The flowers all tittered again. The little poppy spoke up, however. “You could go see the caterpillar.” The other flowers immediately hushed the little one. Ah herbivores. Suddenly a lot more violent when the plants talk.

“Well, do you know where I could find the caterpillar?”

The flowers all shot angry-looking glares at the poppy. The largest rosebush, near the edge of the flower bed, harumphed. “If you want to go see that slovenly, gluttonous borrre, then simply follow the widderrrshins path until the forrrk in the road. Perrrhaps you could bathe your rrrat while you’re at it, the little vermin smells of fleas.” She was trying really hard to make her R-rolling to sound regal.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t doubt it, fur and all. Anyhow, I’m not terribly familiar with the area. If you could point me in the right direction, my rat and I will be on our way.”

The large rosebush pointed imperiously with a thorny, yet graceful leaf, by and large very different than the roses I’ve seen before... ever. Either way, the path was very clearly visible, now that it had been pointed out.

“It’s rrright beforrre the Chessboarrrd.” she snaps, before rotating in place, and sniffing imperiously. The rest of the flowers do the same, minus the nice little poppy.

“Okay, thank you. I will be on my way then.” I start walking but then a thought occurs to me. I need somewhere safe to put Twilight, so I drop her into my chest pocket earning a tiny “Hey!” before I couldn’t hear anything else from her.

I look down to make sure she’s physically alright, and see that she’s popped her little head out of the top of my pocket, using her forehooves to grip the edge of the pocket. I repress a chuckle that likely would’ve rattled her brains.

“So, you don’t remember anything? Well, what do you remember?” I ask as I walk along the path that the rose indicated.

“Well, we went to sleep last night, and then I woke up, really tiny! I had to run away from a cat with purple and blue stripes on it, and then I wandered into the flowerbed. They asked me what kind of flower I was! I’m not a flower, and I told them so. Then, they thought I was a rat! Really, a rat? Hmmph, I’m more in the shape and size for something like a mouse, not a rat!” Twilight kept talking, ranting about how unfair the comparison was, and that she’d been called fat as if it was an insult, something I was a little interested in. After all, I can’t tell what’s supposed to be ‘attractive’ as far as mares go, so I don’t know if slim or thick is more preferred. Other than that, there’s not much more to her speech than indignity.

“Cat with purple stripes, huh? Well, I suppose that could be a Cheshire Cat, though they do have a tendency to alter their shape and color. Anyhow, you say you were tiny before you met him, or you woke up tiny and it was there already?”

The tiny Twilight nodded her head. “I was tiny when I woke up. The cat was a little ways away from me.”

“Well, it seems you’ve been pranked by a Cheshire Cat. Welcome to Wunderland, where science is useless and pretty much everything wants to screw with you or kill you.”

Twilight scrunched down a little in my pocket.

“What’s wrong, Twi? Earlier, you were ecstatic about getting to come here. You didn’t read all those books and think ‘that won’t happen to me’ did you?”

Twilight shook her head. “My magic isn’t working. I didn’t know my magic wouldn’t work.”

“Well, since Wunderland is such a weird, reality-bending place, I expected magic to not work. Seriously, why would you think anything would act normal here?”

Twilight looked back up at me, her tiny head against my chest. “But the books never said anything about magic not working! There’s plenty of unicorns who’ve come through and it worked just fine for them!”

“Twilight, this is Wunderland! You want some advice? Fine, here it is. Fuck logic! There. That’s it. Just forget logic exists. Nothing here follows the rules for each other. What makes you think outsiders would be treated any different?”

“But- but the books-” Twilight looks utterly betrayed.

“Books aren’t perfect. One pers- pony’s experience may be different from another’s. That works octo-quintuple for Wunderland.”

I can barely hear Twilight sniffle. “But the books never lied before...”

“There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there. Let this be a lesson: not everything that gets written and published is absolute fact. Authors and scholars get stuff wrong. Don’t act like you’ve never screwed up.” I pause. “And if you do, I can offer a few examples.”

Twilight just slid into my pocket, hiding from the world. I sigh. She is far too trusting of those books. I mean, I love books too, granted not to the same extent. But I still don’t believe everything.

“Books shouldn’t be used for absolute facts, merely guidelines. There’s always going to be times where something happens and something you read doesn’t apply. Just because someone says something and it gets into a book doesn’t mean it should be followed blindly. Too much trust ends up with you shrunk and attacked by flowers.”

There’s no response from my pocket. I look up and I notice the fork in the road. I think about how I’d go about contacting the caterpillar. Where would I find him?

While I’m thinking, I notice a puff of silver fur in the edge of my vision, and I look up to see that there’s a large, happy-looking cat with royal purple and silver stripes in its coat. The cat is smiling at me. Wait, not stripes, it’s a spiral of silver and purple staring at its nose and whirling back towards the tip of its tail.

“Ah, hello there. I suppose you have some trick or such planned for me to use for your amusement?”

The cat rolls over on the branches, exposing its belly. “Now why, my dear, would I ever do that?” The cat’s voice is feminine, like a mother’s. “Not all of us are tricksters and cheats. That’s stereotyping. Also, that’s a stereo, typing.” The cat pointed towards the side of the road, where a small stereo sat, happily hammering away on a typewriter. It had tiny metal fists and was literally punching the keys.

“Indeed it is. As for my assumption, it was merely based on the fact that if I had similar abilities, that’s exactly what I would do all day. Anyhow, I’m looking for a caterpillar, and was told to look around here.”

“A caterpillar? Why he’s a good friend of mine! I’ve known him almost an hour.” the cat rolls over again, and the silver parts of her fur begin to vanish, spiralling up her tail towards her head. The purple stripe collapses into a pile of ribbons. The smile and eyes float towards me. “So, whatcha need the caterpillar for?”

“My friend here has run into a bit of trouble. I was told the caterpillar could help her.” I pull Twilight out of my pocket and hold her up. “She’s supposed to be bigger.”

Twilight glares up at me. The cat face drifts closer, and Twilight sees it. She begins screaming, though this doesn’t deter the cat. Probably because I’m holding her rather closer to me, and I can barely hear the shrieking.

“Well, now, a tiny pony! Well, I suppose that’s a bit of an oddity, but perhaps it’s not her who shrunk? Maybe it’s you who’s bigger!” The cat remarks, looking at me again.

“Well, that is certainly possible, maybe I should look into that. Would the caterpillar be able to help us out?”

“Hmm... I’m sure he would. Tell me, though, what’s in it for me if I help you find him?” she asks coyly.

I think for a moment. “You could have...” I have no idea, really. What could the cat get? “The joy of helping out a pair of strangers?”

The cat thinks about it for a moment. “Well, it’s something new, at least, but I expect delivery promptly, understand?” she states, voice giving no room for argument. “Now first, I think you need to be a little less conspicuous.”

And with that, she springs forward, fully formed once more, and rakes her claws across my face. Instantly, a strange, unpleasant tingling begins to spread from the clawmarks, and everything seems to get a little bit clearer to see, except for myself. I seem to have turned partially invisible. And by ‘partially’, I mean, there’s stripes of me that just aren’t visible at all, and the rest is semi-transparent, a bit like my Stellar forms, but more so, but without the glowing.

The cat begins licking her paws. “There, consider it a gift... stranger. Now, follow me, and don’t stray. I’ll lead you around the chessboard, else you’d be bound to its rules.”

“I might be up for a game of chess...” I muse. “But I agree we should see the caterpillar first. Thank you by the way, I appreciate my gift.” I say, honestly. I look pretty neat, like some sort of higher being that mortals couldn’t comprehend. My subconscious gives an evil laugh and I chuckle light-heartedly, both of my ‘minds’ enjoying the idea in different ways.

The cat simply begins walking away, heading into the underbrush, and I scramble to keep up. And just as a note, keeping up with a cat that’s trying to move through thick forest is really hard, even outside of Wunderland. Perhaps if I got the cat talking, she’d slow down to let me catch up. But in Wunderland that might make things more difficult so I just keep my pace in silence, following the cat, though one question comes to mind that I have to ask.

“How many Cheshire Cats are there around Wunderland?”

“Enough of us.” she answers quickly.

“So what do you do if you don’t conform to the stereotype?” I ask, realising I decided not to ask questions but find myself doing so anyways. Eh, stranger stuff has happened today. Or has it been only a week? Maybe a minute? I love Wunderland physics though my inner scientist is trying to commit suicide.

“Whatever I want; I am a cat, after all.” she says, slipping into a log and coming out the other side a moment later. The log is solid.

“And is there such a thing as a Cheshire Dog?”

“Don’t be vulgar!” she snaps.

“I apologize.” I reply a bit wary. “I didn’t mean to offend. So how do you know the Caterpillar? You said you’ve known him for an hour?”

“Indeed. I met him and we spoke, and he gave me food. Ergo, he is my friend.”

Definitely a cat... “And he lives this far into the forest? What did he feed you?”

“An inquisitive bird that was bothering him. Some sort of raven, I believe, attempting to write a book.”

“A raven at a writing desk?” I ask, recalling the Mad Hatter’s famous riddle. “Interesting.”

“Precisely. And tasty.”

“And what was his book about? Or did you not read it?”

“I’m a cat, not a scholar.” We eventually come to a clearing that is... well, just a clearing in a forest. If there’s anything odd about it I haven’t noticed it yet. “The Caterpillar lives here.” The cat says.

“Thank you.” I say, “You were very informative.”

“I’m very useful.” she says. “Well, I have taken you to the caterpillar... hmm, yes, you’ve paid in full. I will see you later human. You will not see me.” she says, and the eerie, unpleasant tingling sensation recedes from my limbs and body, until all I feel is blood trickling down my face.

Oh, right, she scrat-AAAAUGH that hurts! I try to bear the stinging, but it doesn’t go away. Eventually though, the tingle of pain lessens and it feels like the scratches have stopped bleeding, though I do feel rather lightheaded. With a sigh and a rub of one of the cuts on my arm, I begin searching for the caterpillar. “Mister Caterpillar, are you here?”

“Indeed I am.” a voice calls, and a quick investigation prompts me to look up. Center of the clearing, and about eight feet up, is a plant hung in midair by thin strands of purple silk, and a little purple caterpillar is seated, upside-down, on a leaf. “The question is... are you really here?”

“That depends on what you mean by ‘here’.” I reply. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’m not dreaming , and if this is all a dream and said I was here that would be both correct and not, wouldn’t it?”

“Quite. Now, for what reason have you come calling?” the caterpillar asks, letting loose a plume of violet smoke that drifts slowly down to the ground, forming shapes as it goes, all geometric and hard-edged.

“Well, either I’ve grown gigantic, or my friend...” I fish Twilight out of my pocket. “Has become very, very small. Would you be able to help in either case?”

“I’m sure I would.” he says, nodding sagely and letting another plume of smoke drift down, the first set settling in like little building blocks made for a mathematician’s child.

“Making my friend larger. Or me smaller. We’re still not sure who is the right size.”

“I am not the right size!” Twilight ‘screams’ from my palm. “Please fix this, I don’t like being so small!”

“Ah, I suppose I could try... bring her here, and I will examine her.” the caterpillar says.

I take Twilight and gently lay her down on a leaf next to the caterpillar’s, who is much less afraid of the situation than Twi. “Calm down, he’s going to make you big again, stop freaking out at every little thing.”

“Maybe it would be easier if I hadn’t been stuffed into a pocket and bounced around with every step you took then smelling what I can only describe as an entire river’s worth of blood!”

“You wanted to come, so we brought you. Did you seriously think that all of Wunderland’s randomness wouldn’t apply to you?” Twilight doesn’t respond, just inching closer to the caterpillar’s leaf.

“Please fix me...”

“Hmm... oh my... oh yes... how interesting.” the caterpillar says, turning his little head this way and that. Now that I’m closer, I can honestly say that mixing humanoid and caterpillar bodyparts isn’t nearly as appealing to look at as Disney made it out to be. That’s clearly a human mouth... and clearly insect eyes. Tiny little hands on six little legs... and the body is slightly hair, but not completely, like a rat’s tail.

“Wh- what’s interesting?” Twilight asks in her tiny voice. Man she’s so quiet from here, she could give Fluttershy a run for her money.

“Hmm? Oh, this smoke is changing flavors.” the caterpillar replies, puffing out another breath. Y’know, now that I’m here, I can also see that he’s smoking from a tiny gold and brass hookah, also upside down next to him.

“That is interesting.” I admit. “But what about Twilight?” The sooner she’s bigger the less complaining I will hear, hopefully.

“Oh, yes, it seems she’s been cursed. But more importantly, my smoke’s changed flavors! It oughtn’t do that, it’s very rude! I was enjoying that flavor.”

“Cursed!?” Twilight squeaks. “By who? How? When!? Can you undo it?”

“I suppose I could... if I had my smoke working right... y’know what? Get me some new smoke and I’ll change her back. Fair trade and whatnot.” he begins muttering something that sounds like obscenities, and begins shaking the hookah violently, little blots of some kind of ash or dust falling up into the sky.

“Alright, I think that’s fair. Do you know where we may find more smoke?” I ask, reaching out to pick up Twilight again.

“Wait! Why not change me back first? It would be easier to get the smoke with my help, right?”

“Ehhhhh, maybe.” I say, shrugging. “You’re at least easier to move around when you’re this small.”

“B- but... I... Ohhhh...”

I drop her back into my shirt pocket, rather enjoying the fact that Twilight is so helpless. It’s a big change from her usual insistence that she can handle anything Wunderland might throw at her. “Now, where can we find you more smoke, mister caterpillar?” I repeat.

“Obviously, you find smokey things. I have no idea, I’m not Yellow. I don’t find things, I fix things.”

“And would Yellow be able to help us?” I ask. “If so, where may we find Yellow?”

“Probably smoking in his glade.” he replies, a touch snappishly.

“Could you direct me to where his glade is then?”

“Opposite the direction it isn’t.” the little purple bug says, unhelpfully. Jeez... he really can’t find things, can he?

“Thanks... I think.” I reply lamely as I decide to just search the forest and try to find someone else who might be able to help.

I head into the dark forest, and quickly find that I’m lost, trees in strange colors and bushes laden with strange fruit everywhere. I trip and stumble over roots and low shrubs, and feel branches scratch at my face, brambles catching on my legs.

Then, almost jarringly, it all stops. The trees are all spaced apart, and the canopy is much higher, black bark and gnarled limbs reaching high to form a roof of off-green leaves far above. As well, the general forest noises ended as abruptly as the undergrowth, and a primal part of my brain begins clamoring that there’s danger afoot.

Turning around is no use, either, as it only shows more of this strange, dark wood in the other direction, the forest floored with dead, dry leaves and half-hidden loops of black roots. Even the wind has stilled, but the temperature seems to have dropped anyways, chilling me.

I reach for my Vorpal blade, ready to draw it at the first sign of anything dangerous. I Spark Up and enter my Heat form to combat the cold, but I’m still chilled even through that. This isn’t ordinary cold.

A lone ‘k-caw!’ echoes through the forest, muffled, yet crisp, and seemingly coming from every direction at once.

“Hello?” I ask in no particular direction, checking to see if whatever made that noise is verbal or not.

“Hello?” a scratchy voice calls back, sounding closer than the cawing. Hard to tell if it’s responding or just mimicking me, really. Might as well test it again.

“Where can I find Yellow?”

“Yellow!” the voice calls, sounding much closer than the ‘hello’.

“Show yourself.” I call, trying to determine the direction. I feel something vibrate against my chest, and realize that Twilight is shivering, likely afraid as I am.

“Self!” the voice yells, right behind me. I swivel around and draw the Vorpal Blade. The book said it would automatically go for the neck. Or did that only count for Jabberwocks? I can’t remember, but it’s too late now, the sword is drawn and that means it’s on the ‘hunt’ for a target. It jerks itself out of my hand, and flies towards a large, black poof of feathers, a wickedly-sharp yellow beak with the rusty-brown of dried blood, and three equally-wicked-looking clawed bird feet, flying past it before zipping back and snapping home in the sheathe at my side.

The sound, as it flew, sounds like ‘Ker-snick-ka-snak’ and the bird-thing slams into the forest floor instead of me, beaked head tumbling free. The blade at my side gives a pleased-sounding hum.

“Was that...?” I think out loud. “Was that a Jubjub bird?”

Twilight peeks her head out. “I’m not sure. From what I read I imagined them to be smaller. And skinnier.”

“But it could be, right?”

Twilight just gives a shrug of ‘I don’t know’ and ducks back into the pocket.

“Bird!” a distant cry sounds, echoing through the woods to mask its direction.

Another, slightly different voice calls, “Right!”

I have a feeling the Vorpal blade isn’t fast enough to take out more than one creature at a time. I also can’t use my form’s powers without burning or frying Twilight. Well, I have my saddlebag of coal to use. I fashion a buckler out of coal, much like the one I demonstrated for the princesses.

Looking around, I wait for another call, or the sound of movement, but nothing disturbs the silence of the forest.

“They only make sound when they mimic us.” I say aloud, to hopefully prove my theory. “So we just keep talking.”

“Us!” the sound is closer this time, as I predicted, followed by the other calling, “King!”

I keep up generic banter and conversation, the bird-like creatures repeating me and getting closer with each mimic. “Are you going to show up? Where are you?”

“Up!” “You!”

“No no.” I reply. “Up yours.” I keep my ears ‘open’ to listen to where the resulting calls will be coming from.

“No!” “Yours!” come the replies, prompting me to snicker. The birds reply by making an almost Bert and Ernie snickering sound, this time from right behind me again... and to one side.

I make a snap decision to duck, holding the buckler over my head to block a strike from above and swing the Vorpal Blade out behind me, once more pulled from my grip to fly off.

The JubJub bird slams into my buckler, two claws tightening around it and my arm, talons digging into the flesh of my inner arm, as the other dies to another snicker-snack, the live one leaning over the top with its third leg and scratching at my face with the other. I have enough scratches on my face already, don’t I, bird?!

The buckler shrinks down and becomes more angled in the middle, also growing teeth. I shove the rough bear trap into the Jubjub bird’s nearest available limb and slam it shut.

The bird’s beak opens, likely for an anguished cry, but all that comes out is a distorted version of the sound of the bird’s own leg snapping again, and it begins to drive its beak at me, aiming for my face and neck. And that beak isn’t bloodstained for show, either, it barely grazes me and slices my cheek open.

I decide to change my tactic, turning the bear trap into a circular saw and mentally command it to slice the bird’s head off at the neck while I grasp the beak in my hands and hold it as far away from my face as possible, though given the bird’s relatively small size that’s about arm’s length.

The thick ruff of feathers catches in the teeth of the saw, acting as a duller edge almost instantly, preventing it from working. And I can’t reach my knife without potentially letting the bird get closer to me than I’d like. Also, the edges of the beak are sharp enough to slice my hands as it jerks around, trying to escape, and it’s nearly strong enough to do so.

I decide to restrain it with the coal. If I can’t cut parts off, I can hold it down. With the coal dust wrapping around the bird, I let go of the beak so that a clamp can hold it shut while the rest of the coal binds around its wings and legs.

The bird struggles in silence, its wings not even making noises on the ground, and after a moment of struggling, it goes still, breathing but not moving.

I get a look at the bird and note one more strange thing. Upon closer inspection I find it has no eyes under the long, thin feathers on its head. At all. That means it’s tracking by smell or... sound. That’s why it’s not responsive, it can’t see anything in this silence.

That’s also probably why this whole forest is silent; they don’t want any distractions, and either ate everything that moved or did... something else.

That said, now that I’m privy to the creature’s hunting tendencies, I know how to use that to my advantage. I was also right that they were advancing whenever I made sound. So I just keep luring them to me and take them out as they arrive rather than letting them stalk me. I end the bird by crushing it, the bindings cinching tighter and tighter, essentially strangling the bird’s entire body.

I snap my fingers and the bird twitches, head pointing towards me so I end it the old-fashioned way, silently ordering the coal to cut off any circulation, the thing struggling as the pressure increases until a sharp crack ends its struggling for good. It still hasn’t made a single noise, and I have to wonder if, like with an owl, that’s related to its feathers.

Man, I wish I had brought a journal or something to write my discoveries in, listing them in more... sane terms. Either way, I’m learning a lot. I hear the sound of the bones cracking echo, but in a scratchy tone. Another bird has detected me, and now I’m prepared: It follows sound and sneaks up behind me, so I just keep making noise to draw it closer and finish it as I hear it get closer.

The hunted just became the hunter. My mind briefly asks what Jubjub Bird tastes like and I decide to figure that out once I’m out of here. I resume snapping my fingers every few moments and hearing the snapping echoed back to me, as usual, the distorted echo getting closer each time.

I decide to have a little fun with the bird and start humming and stopping randomly, basically playing Red Light, Green Light with it until... There! It’s within range! I spin to face it and draw my Vorpal Blade again.

*Snicker-Snack!*

And the bird is done. I risk a chuckle to myself as I enjoy my victory but... I hear my chuckle echoed three times. It’s at this point that I realize I probably should have gotten some armor like the ponies did, but for some reason it was never given. Oh well, I’ll just have to be creative.

Maybe I can trick them. I levitate a couple tiny balls of coal a few meters away from me and have them hit each-other making a light clumphing noise. I repeat that and the trio of birds begin echoing the sound. They’re tracking my bait. I grin silently to myself. I have them now.

Standing still, I watch as one of the birds comes down, settling down on a branch right above the coal spheres, cocking its head and coughing out similar noises.

Silently I turn the orbs into edged shards, like knives without handles and send them straight at the bird, the whistling sound of their rapid movement being echoed by the bird until its neck is pierced and the sound is distorted further before being cut off.

The other two birds haven’t made a noise, even as the one I saw topples without a sound to the forest floor. Again, I have to muse on how silent they are. It didn’t even make an impact noise.

Those must be some very soft feathers, or it’s some Wunderland physics at work... but now that I can hunt these birds effectively I decide to inspect them once I’m done here. I take a step towards the newly-fallen bird. Getting closer, I note that, with it’s size and the direct angle of my attack, I haven’t damaged its coat. If it really is as soft as I imagine, this kill could be sold for quite a pretty penny. I step forward, a stick cracking under my feet and-

“Gah!” I let out a cry as I feel a beak slam into the area between my shoulder blades, the bird having not wasted time with waiting for another sound. My cry alerts the other bird and it does the same, grazing my shoulder from my current position, hands and knees on the forest floor.

I’d underestimated their daring, expecting them to be more cautious. I hold in pained groans as I do my best to rub my back, assessing the damage. I see rather than hear one of the birds landing just in front of my face... but looking away from me, head jerking around to try locating me.

I mentally take a deep breath, fearing if I do the action for real I’d lose an eye. Once slightly calmer I slowly, very slowly reach for the vorpal blade at my side. I pause. If I do that, the noise the blade makes will give me away to the other bird and I don’t know where that one’s coming from.

Now with one hand frozen to my hip, I start wracking my brain. I could use coal, but that’s completely silent for the most part, and that means the last bird will be even more cautious, luring it out flawlessly no longer being an option.

I decide that that would be best, despite the drawbacks, and choke out the bird with another coal garrote. Once more, it’s silent and absolutely deadly, dropping the bird bonelessly and soundless to the ground. I close my eyes and decide to try playing their game, listening for any sounds... but just like all the others, this bird is completely silent. I carefully reach around and find a stick. Only got one chance at this. I snap the twig and roll, taking a beak in the side as I roll, obviously making plenty of noise, but I’m at least back to my feet. I reform the coal into balls and clack them, but nothing. It learned that this sound is a trap...

Hmmm... we seem to be at a stalemate, me unable to make any ‘safe’ noises, and the bird far too wary to make any mistakes. I just stare into the darkness, my ears open for any sort of noise. I hear nothing but my own heartbeat and the only thing that assures me that the bird can’t hear it is that I’m not being attacked.

A spark of inspiration hits me, and I form a pair of shoe-shapes from coal, and set them a few feet from me, making them ‘step’ on a twig. A flurry of dark feathers and a croaked-out ‘crack’ to match the twig’s demise blows past me, knocking me over as the bird strikes at where I would be if I had actually been standing there, and two bear-traps formed of the ‘shoes’ snags the bird by its wings, and it makes feeble recreations of the sounds of its wings breaking in numerous places. It hops in place on its three legs, awkwardly looking around for me, a blue-green blood dripping from where its wings are shattered, the dripping making soft pit-pat noises that seem to be confusing the bird.

I stand up, breaking another twig by accident and flinch but no bird comes. Was that it? Had they given up? I see the bird, now wingless, attempting to turn towards the sound, forcing out a cough that sounds vaguely like the stick and I decide to just end the bird with my Vorpal blade, the snicker-snack sound would surely draw the attention of other birds if they are here. It looks around as I freeze. It keeps turning towards where its own blood is dripping onto the leaves of the dark forest floor.

I end the bird with the Vorpal Blade, and as I suspected, the noise is considered ‘safe’ by the last bird who mimics the sound. Not wasting time I simply unsheathe the sword again, in the direction of the final bird. With the last noise being one from the sword and no repetitions, I feel safe in assuming I’ve finally won. My back feels like it’s bleeding and my cat scratches have been pulled open again by the fight... but I’m alive. I sigh and look around once more... at the perfectly ‘normal’ Wunderlandian forest, not a single dark tree in sight, the various sounds in the distance very reassuring, jarring as they are after the utter silence of the dark woods... and there’s still a Jubjub bird on the ground in front of me, dead, with plenty of feathers. Y’know, I’m sure Twilight would like to study them, and I can just snag a fistful of them and tuck them in the pocket with her. They seem fluffy enough to act as packing insulation for her, keep the jostling she was complaining about to a minimum.

Shrugging, I grab a fistful and do exactly that, barely hearing her protests at the huge clumps of foot-long black feathers.

Author's Note

Okay, yes, I know, issues with the typeface. Apparently something is screwing up during the importing process for GDocs.

Jump to top

Chapter 32

I continue through the mostly-normal forest, looking for any sign of another glade where this ‘Yellow’ character might be.

Continuing along, I finally hear a muffled announcement from Twilight. “Are you sure those... things are gone?”

I shrug. “Not sure, but they seem to be leaving us alone now.” I can tell by her somewhat displeased groan, that something’s bothering her. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, I guess... I’ve just never actually seen you fight before. You... you’re kind of scary. No offense.”

“Yeah well, I’m not violent unless I feel like I need to be. Now enjoy those feathers. From what I gather they’re pretty soft, and that’s all the padding you’re getting.”

“They are rather soft... but those things were horrible. I’d never heard of a violent bird before...”

I quirk an eyebrow. “An ostrich can kick so hard it’d dislocate a lion’s jaw. You’ve just never thought about a bird being violent.”

“I have! B- besides that’s in self defense. Those things were hunting us...”

“Until I started hunting them.” I point out. “See? Still self-defense.”

“You have a pretty twisted sense of morality...” Twilight mumbles in her already quiet voice, making it hard to hear, but I do hear it.

“You have a pretty childish sense of morality. Your point?”

“Forget it, let’s just make me big again.”

“Alright, then we’re looking for Yellow, likely a different caterpillar.”

“What makes you think it’s another caterpillar?”

“Well it’s not uncommon for, in a group of similar people, to refer to another based on a defining feature, like a team red or team blue. It’s just a wild guess on my part, but it might be that this person we’re looking for is another caterpillar, but has some relation to the color yellow.”

“So... your basing a wild guess on a logical conclusion proves it! Ha!”

“Proves what, exactly?”

“You claimed insanity a few years ago but the way you explained your thought process proves you’re intelligent, and therefore that you’re sane!”

I just roll my eyes. “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, kid.”

“I am not a child!”

“Spoken like someone young enough to want to be considered older.”

“You are impossible...”

“Took you this long to figure that out? I thought you were the smart one.”

“You just say whatever garbage comes into your head, don’t you?”

I shrug in response. “I just don’t want to regret it.”

“Regret not insulting ponies?”

“In a way. I follow a belief that it’s not the things you did do that you regret, it’s the things you didn’t do, so I’m taking every opportunity I can to avoid any regret so I can die happily.”

Twilight scowls. “That is a horrible excuse for being a jerk.”

I roll my eyes. “How do you know it’s an excuse? Maybe it’s just coincidence that I hold that philosophy and it just so happens that I’m a total douchebag at the same time. Or maybe I’m a douchebag because of the philosophy and it just so happens that the first things I think of to do or say aren’t positive? Same with repressed anger, I don’t subscribe to it. I prefer to just be a pain in the ass on a daily basis than let it build up inside me until I get so mad that I hurt someone, but everyone I know has repressed rage anyways.”

“I don’t have repressed anger.” Twilight replies sternly.

“Spoken like someone with repressed rage.” I remark before going back to my searching. A tiny but angry noise erupts from my pocket, making me smirk as I continue through the underbrush.

I pause in my amused musings as I feel the ground under my foot shift. I carefully move my foot and see that there’s a thin crack running through the ground, which is more rock than soil at this point, under all the thin scrub brush giving it cover. Man, and I’d been so distracted talking to Twilight I hadn’t even noticed the transition. And looking behind me, I can see it transitioning back, unlike in the dark wood of the jubjub bird flock. I guess I should just go on, and do so, the cracks growing more numerous and joining together. Ahead, the split opens enough that I can see just beyond the trees where they’ve been divided, and it’s almost like something out of minecraft, or a surrealist landscape artist’s imagination.

There’s huge pillars of land, like skinny plateaus, dotted throughout the ever-widening chasm, with the occasional vine or fallen tree connecting them. However, some aren’t connected to anything... not even the ground below them. They’re just sitting there, with exactly zero fucks given about certain fundamental laws of gravity and the like.

The trees are more palm-like here, likely to conserve space on the little crowded islands of stone and earth, and I’d turn away if I didn’t catch a glimpse of a long strand of yellow stretched across the chasm and leading off across it. Seems we have to get across some of the islands if we’re going to follow it. Strangely, some of the trees and the like are growing at odd angles, and there’s a couple of trees quite clearly planted upside-down, leaves on the ground and roots in the air. If they were baobabs, I could understand that, as the tree’s named that because they look upside down, but these are palms trees!

“And I’m willing to bet your magic is still on the fritz and you can’t teleport us across.” I say, getting Twilight to peek out of the pocket again, to look at the area.

“Those trees are upside-down... Why are they upside-down?”

“Because Wunderland, now think of a way to get us across.”

“Uh... well, how good are you at climbing?” she asks.

“Pretty good, as long as it’s not a sheer climb up. I can’t do it without a rough texture or handholds. Don’t have any climbing chalk though.”

“Climbing... chalk? Uh, that wouldn’t happen to be chalk that climbs on its own, would it?” she asks, which is potentially one of the dumbest questions I’ve ever heard, except that when I go to see where she’s looking as she asks, I see a little... thing made of chalk climbing one of the upside-down trees.

“Not what I meant, but it’ll do.” I say, grabbing the chalk and applying it to my hands, improving my grip. “See? My hands are all rough now, gives me greater amounts of friction, so I have a better grip on a wall. Helps with climbing.

The little chalk-creature flails pitifully and futily, I finally set it back on the tree, and it shakes a little limb at me, before doing a passable imitation of a british ‘fuck off’ sign.

“Well... I guess that makes sense, but- Oh fine just get to it then.”

With Twilight unable to argue whatever she was about to argue, I consider myself ready and I begin the climb. It’s fairly easy. “I just surprised ponies, a species without fingers never thought of inventing a way to temporarily increase one’s grip.”

“Oh, uhm... well, we don’t really use friction for gripping... sort of. Well, actually, we do, but we induce it via a localized thaumically charged field around the frogs of our hooves. Earth ponies develop them younger and stronger than other races, and pegasi also develop them a little in their wings, giving them the ability to grasp things with their feathers, though the physical requirements for a pegasus to move their wings like that are... well, to put it succinctly, a pegasus has to break and re-break their wings on purpose to develop pseudo-joints in their wings. It deprives them of much of their wingpower permanently, though, so it’s not a very common practice.” She pauses for a few moments. “If I remember correctly, Fluttershy did that so she can better work with her animals.”

“And unicorns are the pussies, because they use their horns for everything.” I say conversationally as I continue the climb. The more we talk, the less I think about how high up I’m going. “Well, pussies in that you’re physically weaker than kittens.” As I say that, I suddenly feel something weird as I reach for the next handhold. I go to pull down, but it feels more like I’ve hooked the edge of a table from over the top, pulling sideways, not down.

I steel my feet and hand’s grips as I search for a more... normal place to put my hand, being sure to not take any other limbs off the wall. Unfortunately, anywhere in the direction I want to go has weird directions to its gravity, and the strangely-growing vines and trees start to make sense. It almost reminds me of the gravity pranks I pulled off with Discord, but way more stable.

I take a deep breath and relax. Grabbing the most solid-feeling handhold available, I try to pull myself up but end up swinging outwards from the wall, barely keeping a one-handed grip on the stony rock face. That’s bad.

What’s good however, is that if I were to let go, there’s a palm tree literally right under my feet, growing out of the side of another pillar of stone, and I could grab it in passing with ease.

“Get ready Twi. I’m gonna jump.”

“You’re going to what!?”

I don’t reply I just hurl myself at the tree and grab it, Twilight screaming in her tiny voice.

“Never do that again!”

“Pansy. I’ve made tougher leaps on a pre-school jungle gym. When I was in pre-school.”

“Augh! You’re impossible!”

“You already said that.”

The climbing and occasional small leaps continues until I find the yellow thread again, and see that it goes into a cave, which appears to have some sort of spring in it, pouring out a stream of brown, sweet-smelling fluid.

I go up and, knowing better than to touch or drink strange liquids, especially in Wunderland, take a break before moving to inspect the thread a bit closer.

It’s a chalky yellow, and made from nearly a dozen tinier strands. And it leads into the cave, not touching any of the sides until it connects to a wall in order to make a corner turn, further into the cave. And that corner turn can’t be there, because it ought to be coming out the side of the floating island, but that’s not something I feel like worrying over right now.

I decide to keep following the thread as it’s my best lead at the moment and it honestly hasn’t steered me wrong yet so I continue to follow it, avoiding the liquid as best I can.

Every breath is heavily scented with it, and it smells so... familiar. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but I know that smell. The yellow thread leads me along slick rocks, and up the side of the round tunnel, and it seems that gravity is just ‘not towards the middle’ at this point, making it somewhat easy to walk along the walls. However, everything is strangely textured. There’s no stone anymore, it’s another material entirely, almost wood-like, and the thread is just holding still in the middle of the air, not connected to anything yet still making curves and hard turns to follow the tunnel.

After about fifteen minutes of this, I realize that the entirety of the tunnel has gotten no darker than the entrance, even though I’ve traveled a long distance. Checking behind me confirms this, and ahead is still more material. In fact, it’s some sort of buttery, off-white stone, looking a bit like melted-and-re-hardened wax that poured from the middle of the tunnel, the thread avoiding touching anything as it meanders down the way.

“Anthony?” Twilight speaks up, and I look to see that she’s peeking out of my pocket, looking worried.

“What now? You hear something?” I ask, not bothering to stop.

“N-no... something’s wrong. I can’t cast magic right now, but I can still feel it, and there’s... there’s something bad about the magic in here,” she says.

“And what’s the exact definition of ‘bad’ you’re using right now?”

“Familiar. And... not friendly. I’m sorry, it’s not something I’m used to discerning without using further spells to narrow down what kind of magic it is, or...”

“Dark magic, or what? Give me something to go on here. Familiar how?”

“Not dark magic... something I’ve only felt once, maybe twice... augh, this is going to bug me... I don’t think it’s mind magic, and it’s definitely not celestial...” she begins muttering to herself, voice too low and quiet for me to hear.

“Chaos magic?” I suggest. “We are in Wunderland after all.”

“Except there hasn’t been any chaos magic anywhere else in Wunderland. Well, except around that boojum, er, Granny Pie, but this... it’s almost like Chaos Magic, yes. But... older than Discord’s. Stronger, more... natural.”

“So whatever we’re dealing with is more adept at Chaos Magic than the literal avatar of chaos itself, and also radiates it like crazy. You realize how nuts that sounds, right?” I continue through the tunnel.

“Well... ‘Spirit of Chaos’ is just a title...” Twilight mumbles. “And wasn’t it you who said to ‘screw logic’ while in Wunderland?”

“And since when does logic apply to chaos magic? As such, the reverse is true. Chaos amidst chaos is order, just like a negative of a negative is a positive and vice-versa, so chaos magic in Wunderland would be their equivalent of Harmony magic or something similar by that line of thought, wouldn’t it? Good, Evil, Order, Chaos... it’s all subjective after all.”

“... That gives me a horrible thought.” she says.

“I bet I can think of worse things than having your precious little diagram of who’s who on the scale of ‘evil’ being flipped around.”

“No... what if Discord is like Spike? Just an infant, being raised outside his natural environment?”

I narrow my eyes. “You say that as if I haven’t already suggested Discord acting juvenile before to both you and Celestia but you just said he was insane and that’s why he’s irresponsible with his powers. Besides, if Discord was always intended to be a spirit of chaos, to represent it... then in this world of Wunderland, he’d be considered normal and as such, he’d be a negative of a negative just like my allegory before. Sorry Sparkle, but if my logic is sound, Discord is one-hundred percent Equestrian.” I pause to let it sink in. “Further on Discord being a child... keep that in mind next time you think about petrifying him... again.”

I keep walking, sighing aloud. Why do these ponies take so long to consider things I’ve already mused on or discovered?

Towards the waxy stone I travel - until I step on it, and discover it is in fact wax, dried and hardened and glistening slightly in the strange light of the tunnel.

Without much reason to really question it, I continue following the yellow thread, wondering exactly where it’s coming from. The sudden change in material passed off as just another oddity of Wunderland.

Then, without warning, I’m falling down the tunnel, which is now an immense drop, and I see a pillar of wax coming at me fast.

I could grab the thread but if it’s as wimpy as it looks, it would just snap under my weight, not to mention it would likely cut into my hands so I do the only thing I can think of: attempt to grab the wall and hold on. Failing that, I fall back on my coal and form some small gloves around my hand, covered in barbs and hooks, attempting to use them to get a better hold on the wall.

Unfortunately, the relatively soft wax of the walls simply shreds under the force of my falling combined with the velcro-glove’s blades and points, though it does slow me a bit and lets me move out of the way of the tunnel-spanning pillar. If it weren’t for the coal dust dispersing if I try moving it away from me, I could try just making a ‘cow catcher’ style piece of armor in front of me and smash through any wax obstacles with ease.

At least, that’s what I’m thinking up to the point where I exit the tunnel... back out the entrance, in spite of having never gone back at all. God-Damned Wunderland!

... wait, that means the thread is now heading out of the tunnel. And I’m rocketing along towards one of the earthen islands in this weird chasm, right where the yellow thread is anchored... in another cave. Whoopee.

The only thing that I manage to question about the situation is where I am, or at least what it’s supposed to be. Wax/stone caves? That’s just strange... and stranger still is where the thread might lead if this tunnel is any indication.

I look for something I can use to slow my now-horizontal fall, having been spit out of the tunnel and having the gravitational switch of the chasm sending me flying. Gliding really, though I will likely drop once my momentum ends and I need to come up with a landing strategy... fast. Looking all around, I reassess my velcro-hands idea, and begin to reinforce them along my arms, mostly so that if I catch something hard, I don’t tear my arms out of their sockets. Then, I reach out and try to grab the nearest vines and outcroppings of stone, this time tearing into rock and plant matter, and it still feels like I’m about to tear my arms free. My whole body shakes as I look down, the chasm floor far below... and so is the yellow thread, leading into the cave just under me as well.

I take a deep breath and focus on a way to get into that new cave safely. Dropping again is out for sure... unless... I had something to land on. It wouldn’t have to be soft, but it would have to impede me and slow me down. Or maybe something to climb down with. I could make a fireman’s pole that reaches all the way down into the cave and sliding down it. It would hurt landing on my feet or rear, but it would be preferable to just ragdolling down.

I take another deep breath and summon the rest of my coal, making a long pole and eventually realize I’d have to sacrifice my gripping gauntlets too. I’d have to grab the pole as I fall and readjust myself. Twilight takes this opportunity to look around, realizing we had temporarily stopped. Eventually she looks down and freaks out, seeing the pole and likely thinking what I am. “You... you aren’t actually going to let go and try grabbing that, are you?”

“I’ve done stupider things...” I say, not really reassuring myself. “On paper, that is.”

“Buh- You’re serious about this?”

“Get back down and brace for impact.” Is all I say, preparing to let go. I focus on the pole, and envision myself grabbing it and sliding down into the cave below. I can do this... Twilight ducks down and, judging by the ruffling I can feel, Twilight’s covering herself in the feathers for extra padding, no longer arguing.

I take a third breath and let go, I feel weightless for a bit but soon gravity catches up with me and yanks me down. I reach for the pole, fighting the almighty urge to close my eyes. Misjudging distance would be a fatal mistake right now. Swinging my arms and legs out, I do my best to increase drag for my body by distributing my weight and my hands grasp onto the pole after a few seconds, the remains of my gauntlets, now more like the chalk dust earlier, giving me a decent grip as I slide down.

I then realize a mistake I made. By grabbing onto the pole, I’ve put myself in a more thin, angled body position and I start speeding up as I glide down the pole, my hands starting to sting a bit from friction burn. ‘This is it.’ I think as the end of the pole gets closer and closer. ‘This is where I either survive or end up a pancake...’

I can even hear Twilight shrieking in her tiny voice from my pocket. Seems she’s not liking our chances any better than I am, even though it’s at least guaranteed that she’ll survive.

With a thud and a small ‘crunch’, I hit the stone floor of the cave’s lip, and sharp pains erupt in my ankles. I barely remember to roll forward and away from the drop as I collapse.

“Gha- ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha-owwwwwww.... shit.” I mumble out as I wince, holding my ankles carefully. But... “At least we’re alive.”

“I am seriously considering slapping you!” Twilight ‘yells’ angrily, sounding more like low talking.

I manage to wheeze out the word “Kinky...” before devolving back into yelps of pain and expletives.

“You’re impossi- augh!”

That doesn’t help the pain but it does lessen it a bit, laughing at Twilight’s expense being fairly decent medicine. “You need to come up with better- ow, responses.”

I sit still for a while until the pain becomes a tingle as I heal. “Wow... you really are a slow healer...”

“Shut it, this is how we deal without magic, we just have to sit and wait. And rely on our imaginations.”

“I will admit, you are... rather inventive when in strained situations. Moreso than most Pegasi at least.”

“Yeah... too bad that’s not the only requirement to receive a lantern ring.”

“A what?”

“Ask Spike... Alright, let’s get going.” I say, standing up, and doing my best to ignore the throbbing buzzing of my feet as I continue to follow the thread into this new cave.

“Hmmm... persistent, aren’t you?” a voice says from behind me, and something about it carries far more menace than any villain I’ve ever heard in TV, movies, or even from that demon that attacked Ponyville. The voice just oozes smug superiority, yet doesn’t have a trace of arrogance in it, as contradictory as that sounds.

“I’m more than just persistent...” I say, turning to face the voice.

Outside the cave is a long, serpentine-bodied creature, body so long that it’s coiled and tangled among itself. Mismatched limbs, ranging from humanoid hands to crustacean-like claws and wings sprout more or less randomly from the slowly writhing mass of continuous body. A head, shaped like a dragon’s, leers down at me with pus-colored eyes, pupils nothing more than dancing flames.

“Is that so?” the creature asks, a wide grin stretching its face. “And what else are you?”

“You get an answer after I get one. Why do I interest you enough to approach?”

“Mmm... because I was bored.” the dragon... thing says. “Now, twinkle twinkle, little star, and tell me just what you are.”

“A human, an apex predator from the potentially-former planet Earth. Now are you going to help me, leave me alone, or try to fight me?”

Twilight pops out of my pocket again to stare at the creature. “Are you... a draconequus?”

The creature looks towards Twilight and... well, it doesn’t lean in towards me, or move closer, there’s simply less distance between us very suddenly than there was before, without either of us actually moving. “There’s no such thing as a draconequus.” the creature says. “I am a Jabberwocky, or a Jabberwock, however you wish to say it.” space warps again and the distance between us is normal again. I realize I’d been holding my breath while it was closer.

“Back to my question...” I say. “What do you plan to do?”

“Talk to you, obviously. If I was planning to do something else, I’d be doing that, now wouldn’t I.” It’s not a question, just a statement of fact, in spite of the phrasing used.

“Well, I’m rather busy at the moment. We could talk later. Unless you can solve the problem we’re in.” I say, turning back to the yellow thread.

“That I could. What is your problem?”

I indicate to Twilight. “We need to make her big again, and find our friends.”

“Ah. Very interesting,” the Jabberwocky says, “Have you checked behind the couch cushions? I’ve heard that’s a place that many lost things are found.”

“Well, no, we haven’t but it’s unlikely. At least, there’s been no couches around to check. As for making Twilight bigger, can you do that?”

“I can.” it replies. “I can also turn her invisible, or you into a custard, or the sky into a firestorm that consumes the land... Oh, I can also make seagulls.” the Jabberwocky snaps an appendage, and a series of C-shaped birds appear, flying around the cave. Ah. C-gulls.

“Duly noted.” I reply, ignoring the one sound that made me dislike living near Seattle. One lands on my shoulder, and I have to resist the urge to simply barbecue it here and now, if only because burnt feathers smell awful. “So, would you make her bigger? Please?”

The ‘magic word’ seems to have no effect, and the Jabberwocky keeps talking. “I also can turn her inside out... would you like to see that? Or simply turn her orange. Mmm, no, Orange is not a good color, best keep it in the background.”

I raise my eyebrow at the creature’s opinions on color, but I do agree with it, as derailed as it is. “Well, I wouldn’t mind seeing her turned inside-out for a while.”

“What!?”

“Well I’m rather curious what your innards look like and you can’t expect me to vivisect one of you.”

“You mean dissect. Right?”

“She’s right. It’s only vivisection if they survive it. Either way, I wouldn’t need to dissect her to turn her inside out. I could just reach in and grab her tail, and yank until it flips purples-in.” A clawed, feline paw flexes menacingly in the process. Somehow, the Jabberwock is always the same distance behind me, no matter how far I go into the cave looking for Yellow, in spite of never moving.

“I wouldn’t kill someone just for the sake of discovery. Of course I meant vivisect.” I reply plainly. “Either way, as long as it’s temporary, I see no reason to not test a few things on her... after you make her big again.”

“What!?” Comes the tiny repetition.

“Hey, you got to do your little science experiments on me. Fair’s fair.”

“Oh, I see, you want her unharmed when I turn her inside out. Eh, that’s not as interesting.” the Jabberwock says. “Maybe I should do it anyways, just to see the look on your face, human-star.”

“Whatever...” I reply.

“You don’t care if I get hurt? What are you doing!?”

“I’ve seen ponies heal from grievous injury before... besides, I still want payback for the time you kicked me in the nuts. Now hush, let the grown-ups talk.”

“I am a grown-up!”

“You’re smaller than a fetus at the moment. I don’t think you’re that grown.”

“You are going to be in big trouble! Get us out of here now!”

“Who died and made you princess?” I reply, turning back to the Jabberwocky. “Just make her big again and I say you can do whatever temporary thing you want with her.”

“And if it isn’t temporary? I mean, I could, but I’d rather just see your reaction to her being inside out the hard way. Or maybe I should see what you’re like inside out? I’ve never seen a human-star inside out before. Have to say, I’m curious, it’d be new. You wouldn’t deny me a new experience would you? That’d be just mean.”

I thumb the Vorpal blade at my side. “I’d say I’m in charge because I hold the advantage here. But I’d rather be civil. Though I admit I am also curious as to what I look like. But as I said, the requirement you must meet is that Twilight is returned to her normal size. After that we may... experiment.”

“Hmm... no. You’re getting boring, and that little knife there won’t save you. Vorpal or not. I think you’d make an excellent figgy pudding though. I’ll leave your minds in, so you can feel what it’s like to be a pudding being eaten. Now that’ll be new for you and me!” The distance between us begins to vanish, neither of us moving, but space shrinking away into nothing.

I eye the creature. “I’m not one to take threats well... I hope you understand.” I say pointedly, my eyes narrow.

“Threats? I’m not making any threats.” the Jabberwock begins to open its mouth, revealing another head inside, one of a goat, who also begins opening its mouth, which is full of eerily sharp teeth, like an angler fish’s, and its voice issues from its open throat. “I’m just going to eat you.”

“Sorry buddy, humans aren’t food. There’s a reason we’re at the top of the food chain in almost any environment.” I say. “And yes, I consider a suggestion of eating me to be a threat. Now back off.”

“But won’t you grow back? Or is that not how human-stars work? Oh well, just the pony then. They make excellent snacks.” a trio of worm-like tongues begin to slide from the thing’s mouth, and I’m not entirely sure it’s actually a Jabberwocky. For one, it’s not seeming to be anything like anything in the bestiary, and it’s also not making any noises I’d call ‘burbling’.

I step back, away from the tongues. “Sorry, she’s off-limits now.” I push Twilight down into my pocket. Suddenly, the distance between us is back to normal, and the thing is speeding at me, a long tube of anger and mismatched limbs, and not nearly as long as it had looked before. My first reaction is to draw the Vorpal blade, swinging it out of its sheathe and aiming it at the creature. The weapon flies out, then hovers in mid-air, apparently confused or something, as the thing speeding at me is still going. It also seems to be sprouting more heads from inside its mouths... it’s not actually lunging, just spewing forth more length of itself at me. And its tail is getting pulled inward, like it’s tunneling through the air, not rock or dirt.

I form a pair of sawblades out of coal and toss them at the creature, aiming for the nearest mouth. The blades sing through the air as they fly and slice into the creature, which emits a noise of... agony, I suppose. Shrill, and painful to hear, the noise only worsens, as the saws cleave through a dozen yards of flesh, sending blue-green blood splattering against the walls... or maybe not blood, it’s more like pudding or half-set jell-o in viscosity.

As it’s cut, the creature attempts to turn, falling from the air and flopping to the ground, a huge amount of its damaged parts simply turning to slime and dust, and a small, worm-like creature breaks loose of the massive mess, squirming quickly for the exit of the cave. I finish off the creature’s body with the saws’ return trip, and they form a cage around the worm-thing. “And where do you think you’re going?”

It makes a harsh squealing noise, and tries to slip between the ‘bars’, still trying to escape. I simply ‘order’ the bars to become flat walls, summoning more coal from my saddlebag satchel and pick up the box of coal containing the worm-like thing. It beats weakly against the box’s walls, evidently not very strong without its meatsuit.

“I asked you a question...” I compact the box a bit, making it smaller by a few centimeters, the threat of squishing it very clear. “Where are you going?”

It makes another squealing noise. Maybe it can’t speak without the... now rotting meat? Urgh, it smells disgusting. Worse than the rancid meat I’ve smelled before, and that’s saying something. I once found liquidized meat in a Ziplock bag.

“Well, the only thing I can think of that’s fair is... since you tried to eat us, we eat you...” I say, not actually meaning but mainly to gauge the reaction, which is for the worm to begin writhing much harder within the box, still not speaking actual words.

I decide to just end the creature and let the box compress until it’s flat. I make it fast and the squealing-squelch is the last noise it makes, a thin stream of liquid being forced out of a small hole in one corner, the yellowy fluid splattering the wall.

“And that’s why humans are at the top of the goddamn food chain.” I say, pocketing the coal, Twilight peeking out at my words and seeing the fallen creature’s meatsuit, dead and rotting away.

She gasps, covers her nose and ducks back down. “Wh-what was that thing? That wasn’t a Jabberwocky, I know that much.”

“No clue, but whatever it is, isn’t going to eat us anymore. So now we go back to finding Yellow.”

“Have I mentioned you’re scary when you fight?”

“In passing, yes.” I reply, as I continue along into the cave. “But hey, friendship only works when the enemy is in the mood for it. If not, ya gotta squish ‘em. End of story.”

Twilight stays silent, not responding, and I go back to following the thread. It leads me -without wandering or random infinite tunnels this time- to a small crystal grotto, beautiful yellow gemstones growing in huge spurs from the cave walls, as if the cave is nothing more than a large geode... which isn’t out of the question. In the center is a woven hammock of sorts with a fat, yellow caterpillar resting on it.

Called it.

Stepping closer, I see that it has a series of boxes and a cigar in its mouth, letting loose thick clouds of yellow smoke that drift up a little ways, dissipating quickly, forming rounded, bubble-like formations as it rises.

I walk up to the caterpillar. “So I’ve heard you know how to... find things.”

“Hmm? Who’s there?” the Caterpillar asks, attempting to sit up, and merely managing to spin the hammock around and get himself entangled, dropping his eighth-of-an-inch-long cigar in the process. “Mother-hatching-pile-of-turgid-feces!” the caterpillar yells, very much stuck in his own furniture.

I take the hammock and carefully untangle the caterpillar. “Sorry, but we need your help.”

“Uh, who’re you?” the yellow caterpillar asks, looking up at me in confusion. “I’m sorry, I think I dropped my glasses... I can’t see a thing.” Looking down, the floor under his hammock is full of tiny cracks and crevices. I do not envy searching them for his glasses, especially since my coal-control doesn’t let me feel what it touches.

I reach into my shirt pocket and pull out Twilight. “Alright, you’re small, and can see. Help us find his glasses.” I say, putting her down on the floor.

“But... why me?” She asks, seeming afraid of being outside the safety of my pocket.

“I just said, you’re small, and can see without needing glasses. Besides, I already did all the work getting us here alive, the least you can do is contribute when you’ll be helpful.”

She grumbles, but concedes the point, beginning to search through the crystals and the cracks in the floor. Some of them are sharp enough to cut, but she seems nimble enough to get around them just fine, though there’s a few tiny purplish hairs decorating the floor now.

“So while she’s doing that...” I say, turning to the caterpillar. “I’m Anthony, I was hoping to get some help finding some smoke.”

“Smoke, eh? What kind? Gunsmoke? Smoke on the water? Smoked fish? There’s lots of smoke in the world.”

“Well, Green Caterpillar asked for some after he dropped his pipe, so I assume pipe smoke.”

“Green’s got a pipe now? Weird, I thought he still had that hookah Blue gave him...” Yellow says, looking utterly befuddled.

“Right, it was a hookah. Sorry, the way here was full of many distractions.”

“Ah, I see... or I would. If I had my glasses. I can’t see without them, y’know.” he says the last part conversationally, as if it were an interesting, unique fact, not the normal way of things.

“I understand, and I’m sure Twilight is doing her best to find them. But until then, Green said to ask you for some smoke. Do you know where some is?”

“No idea. But I could find some... if I had my-”

“Yes, if you had your glasses.” I say, indicating my annoyance.

“Oh, so you’ve heard? I can’t see anything without them.” he says, as if it’s the first time he’s said that. I’m starting to get the feeling he’s not... all there. But then this is Wunderland and all so there’s bound to be some people who aren’t all there. Literally and figuratively.

“Yes, you need your glasses, I got it. I still do. We’re just waiting on Twilight.”

“Oh? Do you know where my glasses are, then? It seems I’ve lost them...”

This is going to be a riveting conversation, I can tell. “Listen here, you little sh... *sigh* She’s looking for them now.” Jeez, he reminds me of my Great grandmother, I had to introduce myself three times to that old pile of Alzheimer’s...

“Oh, you’re looking for my glasses! I must’ve lost them, thank you.”

I swear to god, I will strangle the next puppy I see... Twilight, at the ground level, calls up, “I found them! But I can’t grab them without magic. I can show you where they are, though, make some sort of grabby thing with coal.”

I fashion a pair of tweezers and reach down next to where I see the little furry purple-thing that is Twilight and very carefully try to find the glasses. I just mumble out my displeasure with unicorns. “Why couldn’t I have gotten stuck with Pinkie...?”

“Oh, where’s Pink? I can’t see very well...” the caterpillar drones on as I get the glasses, turning the tweezers into just a ball of controllable coal wrapped around them after two failed tries to pick it up. I hand them to Yellow, and he looks around, eyes magnified by the thick-as-hell lenses, and he blinks at me. I cannot express how creepy that is from such an amalgamation of human and caterpillar features such as this. I think my soul shivered at the look. “Oh, hello there! You must be that nice fellow who put up with me a little bit ago. I’m very sorry about that, I’m no use at all without my glasses.”

“So I gathered...” I deadpan. “So... finding some smoke for Green’s hookah...”

“Oh, ‘tis easy. My apologies about rambling earlier, the glasses are enchanted to help me focus. I’m only a little while away from ascending, you know.” he then takes a deep drag off a freshly-lit cigar, and blows the biggest, foggiest yellow bubble I’ve ever seen. It’s like one of those trick bubbles people blow with cigarette smoke in them, but in a sort of unsettling gold-ish hue, until it suddenly detaches from the caterpillar, and turns clear... or, rather, into a window looking into a glade. “Ah, there it is... oh, you needn’t have come to find me. If you’d just found Purple first, you’d have found the plants that make the smoke for any of our number.”

“So we’re looking for Purple? Wait, hold on, I’m confused. How many are there?”

“Oh, there’s always six of us.” Yellow says.

“I thought the one who wanted smoke was Purple.”

I throw my arms up. “I don’t know who’s who anymore, I’m just trying to fix your problem.”

“Hmm, well, the smokeweed is grown in Purple’s grove, but I’m not at all surprised he hasn’t realized that. I may be useless without my glasses, but honestly, he’s mostly useless. Can fix anything from any world... except himself.”

“That’s the one we want!” I say loudly. “The one who can fix her. And that’s Purple. Okay, so... how do we get back to Purple from here? I got a little turned around getting here.”

Yellow gives a six-handed face-palm. “Here... just follow this thread, and you’ll get to him.” The caterpillar shows that there’s a purple strand woven into a yellow string, which leads out through a hole in the grotto wall. “Each of our places of power are connected this way.”

“Thanks.” I pick Twilight up and put her back in my shirt pocket as I begin following the thread. Wunderland is a lot more... annoying and redundant than I recall.

Keeping a hand on the smooth, silken strand, I walk out of the grotto... and directly into Purple’s grove.

...I could’ve skipped everything between here and Yellow’s grotto this way, couldn’t I have? Except, I didn’t see a Yellow thread until after the Jubjub birds, so how could I have known I was going in a huge circle. It’s those birds’ faults for pulling me into some kind of pocket dimension. And the shuffling of Twilight cozying up to the feathers in my pocket reminds me to find somewhere to get them appraised. Who knows how much they’re worth...

Anyways, I approach Purple, who looks up... down... at me, and gives a grumpy, “So, have you found the smokable plants? I’ve been waiting for far too long!”

I look around the grove for anything that looks... smokable and realize that the ‘grass’ here is more like a carpet of leafy plants. An odd variation of a type of marijuana and... some plant I’ve never seen before. I just decide to try it and grab a handful, handing it to the admittedly, purple-colored caterpillar. I had forgotten after all.

Again, I blame the birds for distracting me. He gives a disturbingly insectoid grin and grabs the leaves, stripping them from the stems and quickly stuffing them into the hookah, whole, and taking hurried puffs on it until he stops, letting loose another cloud of those purpley, geometric smoke clouds.

“We got you your weed, now can you please help fix Twilight?” I place said tiny pony on an adjacent leaf just like last time.

“Yes, yes, yes... set her above me, and hold her steady. I’ve heard this part is interesting.” he says, beginning to draw from the hookah, hard.

I move Twilight over. She’s like a fuzzy toy like this, really. But her being big is more useful so I do as Purple asks, holding Twilight steady with a finger under the leaf supporting her and one on her back.

The caterpillar lets loose a truly incredible cloud of the smoke, purple and full of easily-recognizable polyhedrons that rolls over Twilight and my hands. “Hmm... was it ‘interesting’, or ‘painful’ that the other pony said it felt like? Oh, wait, now I remember, he said it was agonizing!” Purple remarks, and my eyes go wide just as Twilight begins to scream in pain and writhe in my grip.

However, for whatever reason, my hands enveloped in the smoke aren’t hurting at all. Maybe because I’m not the target but Twilight seems to be having a seizure of some kind. Or she’s dancing. Given what I’ve seen her dancing looks like, it could be either, though it’s hard to misinterpret the yells of definite pain. Still, the sooner she’s full size the sooner it’ll be over.

I can feel her grow heavier in my hands, but she’s growing weirdly, like something’s grabbing her all over and just pulling her till she’s stretched out enough to be ‘bigger’. After nearly a minute of her screaming growing louder as she expands, her voice cracks and she goes hoarse... no pun intended. Several minutes later, the smoke dissipates, and Twilight’s laying a thrashed circle of vegetation, tears streaming down her face and a look of pain in her expression. Her eyes are also a little glassy and half open.

“There you are, one repaired unicorn. As agreed. No further curses, malign influences, tumors, ulcers, or children present in it.”

I give the caterpillar a dumbfounded look. Children!? He ‘fixes’ pregnancies? What the fuck? I decide to just leave him to his smoking and pick up the now much-heavier Twilight, though she’s light enough to carry I stumble a bit from the odd hold I have on her, trying to give support to her body with one arm and her head with the other, putting a lot of unbalanced weight distribution on the arm carrying her body.

I can’t do it for long and eventually I set her down to rest. She’s not heavy, but really awkward to carry that way. I see nothing to do but wait for her to recover. I consider one option, getting some of that magical weed and giving it to Twilight to help dull the pain, but I have no idea what potential other effects it might have so I decide to leave the work to ponies naturally ‘superior’ healing speed. I could use a nap... but I don’t know what might happen if I fall asleep in the middle of a forest.

Sighing, I sit down, watching as Purple blows more clouds of geometric smoke... I kinda want to know what the differences between the caterpillars are, but I doubt that Purple is the right one to ask. Twilight slowly recovers, eventually doing more than blink her eyes as she gets back to her hooves, rubbing her head.

“Oogh... that was... indescribably painful.” she states, wincing at the mere thought of it.

“Well, we just have to be more careful in the future. And we also have to find Pinkie and Cadence still. No idea where they are, or how to get back to Canterlot.”

“You could ask Yellow.” Purple says, looking over at us. “He can find things. It’s what he does.”

I nod and, deciding to follow the thread back to Yellow’s grotto, find the yellow-purple strands and hold onto it as I go. Hopefully we won’t have to deal with any other caterpillars.

As soon as I’m back in Yellow’s grotto, the caterpillar looks up from what looks like a tiny book. “Oh, you’re back so soon! Did Purple lose his hookah this time?” Yellow asks.

“No, we’re looking for someone else now. Do you know how to find... uh...” It takes me a second to remember Granny Pie’s actual name. “Preamble Pie?”

“Oh, missus Pie! If I’m not mistaken, she’s tending to her Jubjub birds right now.” I feel my eye twitch slightly at the name of the birds.

“And where would that be exactly?” I ask, getting a little tired of Wunderland. It’s interesting and a breath of fresh air but... it’s just a little too deadly.

“Oh, near the Lookinglass Gate of course. They’re one of the main ways it remains guarded on the Wunderland side.”

“That would explain how come nothing comes through.” I muse aloud. “Alright, can you give us directions?”

“Hmm... I could, but what are you going to give me for that aid?”

“I uh... don’t have anything really.”

“Are you sure? You have quite a few things. Working eyes, free will, a decent memory, the ability to taste cherries... Oh! Also, a working star core and several other things besides.”

“Sorry, those aren’t for trade. How about what you tell us what you want and we’ll try getting it for you?”

“I don’t know, that’s not my job!” His comment gives me a pang of frustration that tries making me strangle him, but I don’t want to find out what attacking a potentially-omnipotent insect from Wunderland would result in.

“Right, your job is to find things. So find us a way to get to the gate!”

“Nope, can’t. Not without a trade.”

Urge to strangle rising. “Then tell me what you want!”

“There’s nothing I really want! Most people just offer me things!” the caterpillar shouts back at me, sounding a bit lost.

“That’s dumb, why give someone something they don’t want? That’s not a fair trade, they don’t want it.”

“It’s the thought that counts!” the caterpillar counters. “Literally! The act of giving me something of value, even if I have no need nor use of it, is what lets me use my power!”

“Fine then, how about I make you something you literally can’t get anywhere else?”

“That might be worth two favors even!” he replies, sounding giddy.

“Alright. Hold on.” I get some coal out and create a tiny figurine. A moment later I have a decently sized Tahnok-Va, minus a staff. I hand the figure to the caterpillar, placing it next to him. “Here you are, a statue of a creature that doesn’t exist in this universe, and it’s incredibly fragile.”

“Oooh... and such attention to detail! Hmm... I’ll have to consult with Orange on what this is so I can find another some time.” he attaches a yellow strand of silk to it, and lowers it straight down, where a piece of the stone floor slides aside to reveal a massive chamber below us full of various things, like the hoard of a dragon with extremely eclectic tastes.

“So, if that’s worth two favors, tell me how to find the portal to Canterlot. The second favor... I’ll just save it for later in case I need you again. Fair?”

“Hmm... annoying, but fair, I suppose. Now, let me see... portal to Canterlot, portal to Canterlot... ah, here’s the path! For the next four hours, it will be passing by the babbling brook, through the forest of slumbers, and over the hill of wonders. I can send you to the first part of the path, and will take you out of Wunderland and to Canterlot, provided you do not ever stray from it - if you do, you could wind up anywhere in Wunderland.”

“Well, we’d actually like to find our friends before we leave and they were with Granny Pie last I recall, so I guess that would be our second favor. We’ll just remember how to find the Gate, and you send us to our friends Pinkie and Cadence. Can you do that?”

“Hmm... alright. But remember, you have to go to the brook first, or you won’t find the path.” he says, taking a hard drag off his cigar. “Brace yourselves.” he says, before turning to breathe the smoke on us, without letting me ask any further questions.

Jump to top

Chapter 33

I cough, and Twilight hacks and wheezes. Waving my arms, I clear away the smoke, and see that we’re now in a different clearing, this time one with yellow-barked trees and blue leaves sprouting from vines. The surreal color palette is subdued, but still very unnerving, and I’m not entirely sure what to make of it.

From behind me, there’s a faint rustling noise. Turning, I reach for the Vorpal blade, ready to draw it any moment. Another rustle comes, this one from my right, accompanied by one to my left.

Chances are it’s something hunting us... but chances are also good that it’s Pinkie and Cadence pulling some sort of prank. I mean, the caterpillar said he’d send us to them and he hasn’t messed up so far...

“Come on out before someone gets hurt.” I call, the rustling growing closer and circling us in two directions. A sudden feeling of weariness overcomes me.

Calling shenanigans for what must be the hundredth time today, I focus on staying awake and grip the handle of the Vorpal blade, preparing to draw it at the slightest movement.

Suddenly, the plants begin to wilt, and a draconian head takes shape, fluidly moving along the forest floor. “Greetings, person!” the head says, followed by a strange, flat-looking body, moving in waves like a sound visualizer or a wave machine.

“Apt.” I reply. “I am a person, and depending on your definition of what a ‘person’ is, it could be said I’m one of very few.” I tighten my grip on the Vorpal blade just in case the thing was hoping for a meal rather than a chat.

The thing zigs and zags, but doesn’t come too close. “A person is one who decides, though decisions are not what they are often given.” it says, continuing to circle around. As it does, another wave of exhaustion pours over me, and I see Twilight stumble in place as well.

“Whatever, let’s cut to the chase. Or rather, before the chase. State your intention or I kill you before you kill me.”

“To surround, to contain, to encapsulate.” the creature says. “All within my range, my field, my domain give me strength to choose and decide.” it continues to circle me, and I spot a thin groove in the ground from its passing... ahead of it. It’s marking out a specific area. “I adapt, I shift, I alter to maintain my continuance; my boundary is absolute.” it continues, and I see it’s about to touch its tail, having stretched slowly along its path as it continued to make circuits around me.

I narrow my eyes, but they start to droop so I widen my glare. “Sorry pal, but I’m out of bounds. You want something you’ll have to look elsewhere.”

“You stand in my range, within my power, and you cannot cleave me through.”

“A-antho... ny...” Twilight whispers, and I realize she fell to the ground some time ago, and there’s a thin stream of magenta magic pouring from her horn into the ground, arcing to the boundary the dragon-thing has described. I grab Twilight and drag her to her feet and look for a way past the creature.

“If I can’t cut you... maybe I can go through you.”

I muster the strength to Spark up and go intangible, my goal to walk through the creature, but find that he still feels solid, even though I’m halfway through a bush right now.

“I am possessed of all I contain; to use the power now mine against me is foolish.” it rises and forms a wall, head turning in a weird, almost second-dimensional way to look at me.

So it has my powers... and Twilight’s magic I assume. How do I get myself out of this? I ponder that while I watch the creature circle us. Twilight isn’t standing anymore and is on the ground again.

“So what’s your secret? Everything in this logic-forsaken land has something, a weakness or a fault. What’s yours?”

“I am the Jerrymander, and I surround and take all within my reach. All upon the ground wither under my command, before I choose a new place to keep until it is depleted. The two of you will keep me longer than most, but I will be the person at the end; you will be the corpses.” it states, doubling back on itself, a sight that sets my teeth on edge and makes my stomach roil, because it does it entirely without intruding upon the third dimension, crossing itself, nor going over itself in any place.

Still trying to think of a way out of this. Most things I can think of though require someone else being outside the circle, or me not being completely copied.

Then again, it has my powers, but does it have everything? I summon some coal and form it into a thin sword and attempt to harry the creature. The coal blade cuts through it with surprising ease, and for a moment I feel elated, until I see the body flow together behind it, like something from the second Terminator movie, without injury.

Twilight, from the ground gasps out something, and I turn my blurring vision to her.

“O-over... g-over...”

Okay, that makes a lot of sense, and yet none at all. But it is crazy enough to work, I just don’t have a lot of vertical movement. I can throw things though... I pick up Twilight as best I can, she weighs even more than she did before...

I apologize in advance and toss her over the Jerrymander’s head, and she just sort of ragdolls to the ground, my throw being a little underpowered and both of us being rather out of it for a good landing.

The Jerrymander makes a noise like a throttled teakettle, and pauses in its circulations. “How dare you? You have no more choices to make, you will cease and desist!” it demands, beginning to circle faster, forming taller, thicker humps and walls between me and the outside world, until a long branch with a vine tied to the end sneaks over the barrier, the vine trailing down to me, and the base of the branch overhead held in a soft, baby-blue glow.

“Yeah... except you can’t steal things like willpower or intelligence, dumbass.” I groan as I grab the vine and start climbing it. I recognize the color of the magic as what Cadence used whenever she was levitating something. “Though some help a bit earlier would have been appreciated.”

As I’m hauled out of the grasp of the screaming, incoherently angry Jerrymander, I feel my strength return to me, and I’m dropped atop a pink back, a shout of ‘go!’ bringing me back towards wakefulness. I grab ahold of a thick tangle of mane as my new steed takes off, and I feel myself wake up slowly.

“Thanks for the save...” I say, stretching my back a bit. However Pinkie doesn’t have a whole lot of back space for me to do really anything, Pinkie carrying me on her back a rather odd feeling as I’d never ridden a horse before, much less one who’s small enough that my legs are dragging on the ground. I’m mainly wondering how I’m hanging on so well.

“No problemerino! We had a buncha trouble finding a branch strong enough to hold you and long enough to reach over and still of a good grip, and we were thinking of tying me on and using me like a crane game claw but then you tossed Twilight out and so we just grabbed her and sent over the branch instead and sorry that took so long but we’d just gotten away from the Jerrymander too because the Princess can fly and he can’t stop anyone from just passing over him as long as they aren’t touching the ground.”

I could’ve just jumped over him? Fuck. “So... I think I’ve had enough of this little vacation... So far everything wants to kill us or just make things difficult.”

“It is, honestly, not as fun as I’d been hoping.” Cadence agrees, running along next to Pinkie as the two begin to slow down, Twilight woozily recovering on her back. “But very educational.” she says.

“M’sorry...” Twilight says from Cadence’s back, eyes slowly clearing.

“About what?” I ask. “Granted there’s plenty of things you should apologize for... just wondering which one you’re referring to.”

“Shoulda... shoulda f-figgere’d it out... sooner...” she says, recovering quickly after her delay, and Cadence helps her down to the ground so she can try standing.

“Trust me, you have a lot of answers, but not all of them. That said, when I mentioned making notes on the Wunderland Bestiary I meant it. That way we’d have a reference guide once we knew the thing’s name. If anything, you should be sorry for not listening to me instead.”

“That is not helpful Anthony.” Cadence says, coldly.

“Would have been if she remembered is all I’m saying. Half this stuff we come across gives us a name to use that we could be looking up.”

“While that is true, it doesn’t mean she did something wrong by not listening to you.”

“I never said that it was.”

“Your tone says otherwise.”

“Whatever! Are we going home or not?”

“Well, we’ve actually been looking for a way home for a little while now; I’m guess you haven’t found one either, then?” she asks, looking concerned.

“For the next four hours, the portal will be passing by the babbling brook, through the forest of slumbers, and over the hill of wonders.” I say, quoting the yellow caterpillar. Sure I’m being pretty smug but I did actually find us a way home, so I feel pretty smart for asking about it. “Question is, how many hours has it been? Wunderland time isn’t really very consistent.”

“Well, you only showed up a few minutes ago, how long ago did you get the information?” Cadence asks.

“Assuming the transportation was instantaneous, a couple minutes ago, right before we showed up.”

“How did you get there, if I might ask? I mean, I didn’t see how you arrived, I only heard the Jerrymander start his thing again...” she says.

I shrug. “See it’s weird because when I was told we were going to be sent to you, I thought the caterpillar meant literally right next to you or something. And yeah, caterpillar. A yellow one. We had to run an errand for a purple one first and... it’s a long story. My main questions are related to why we didn’t wake up in Granny Pie’s house.”

Pinkie Pie gives an embarrassed-sounding chuckle. “Ah, that, er, might be a little tiny bit my fault. I said we came to experience Wunderland, and I think she might’ve tried to be helpful.” she blushes and rubs the back of her head.

“Okay, your relative or not, she’s a native of Wunderland, and so far they’ve all been either deadly, painful, or just plain headaches. I think there’s a reason nobody comes here.”

“Sorry.” Pinkie says.

“Not your fault your granny took ‘experiencing Wunderland’ literally.” I say, getting off of Pinkie’s back. It really isn’t all that comfortable. Maybe that’s why saddles were a thing. “Anyways, anything safe we could do before we leave, or should we just head back to Canterlot now?”

“Well... we should probably head back, given the hostility we’ve faced so far. I don’t want any of you getting hurt on my vacation.” Cadence says.

“Not really much of a vacation after all, though. I don’t know about you, but I feel more stressed than before.” I reply, rolling my eyes. “I mean, I’ve had to fight for my life more often here than I have anytime else in my entire life.” Granted before coming to Terra I never had to fight for my life at all... but still.

“Yeah... not entirely sure what I was expecting.” she says. “Anyways, let’s see about finding that brook. I’m not sure where it is though...”

As she looks around unsurely, Twilight concentrates, and with a flash of light creates a sort of wireframe compass, which points in all directions for a moment, before settling in a single direction.

“What’s in that direction?” I ask. “A bottle of rum that turns out to be empty?”

“What? No, it’s a Directing spell, and it should point us towards the Babbling Brook. It only points us to where it is relative to us now, though, so we still need to get through or around anything between us and the Brook.”

I shrug. “Fair enough. Alright, let’s get going then.” The three ponies nod and we all begin following the glowing compass, and it leads us towards some thick, oddly-shaped trees. As we go, I see Pinkie looking fearful, and taking quick, shallow breaths.

“What’s wrong? I’m guessing these aren’t actual trees?” I look up to see the twisted, almost tumorous looking branches overhead.

“Th-they are... but they’re tulgey.” she whispers almost theatrically, stepping closer to me until she’s nearly pressed against my leg like a frightened dog.

“And as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came!“ I quote from the poems. “Yeah, we’re in trouble.”

Pinkie nods, “J-just hope there’s no burbling...” she says. Twilight and Cadence, having been listening, are looking outward with concern from their point at the front of our little group.

“We’ve got Vorpal blades.” I remind them all. “As long as it doesn’t get the drop on us, we’ll be fine. Just keep an eye and an ear out and we should be alright.”

“So, uhm... what exactly is the sound of something burbling?” Cadence asks, looking around. “I mean, it’s a noise, right? Or is it something you do?” Her voice holds notes of fear in it, suppressed by her willpower, but only barely.

“Well, it’s something you do but it makes a noise.” I explain. “Uh, well, bubbles in a boiling pot are sometimes described as burbling.” I suggest. “And the noises that babies make can be called burbling at times.”

“It’s also a form of laughter.” comes the reply, and I nod.

“That sounds plausible.”

“It’s also sometimes used synonymously with the term ‘babble’ such as in a babbling brook. Though this being Wunderland if we come across something that babbles specifically, it would probably just be very talkative.” I pause my information coming to a realisation. “Wait, who made the ‘laughter’ comment?”

“I did.”

“Oh, alright.” I breath a sigh of relief, then twitch and turn towards the figure standing in the midst of the four of us, whom I hadn’t noticed until it spoke, voice feminine but tinged with notes of age.

The figure is a stocky, solidly-built creature, body reminiscent of a pony’s, but with a dragon’s head and four mismatched limbs, like a caricature of Discord by someone who’d only heard he was a ‘hybrid of some kind’ and ‘looks kinda crazy’. The creature’s limbs aren’t just mismatched between four races, either, but rather changing species notably at every joint, and long, scorpion-like tail forms a spike-ended double curlicue. Eyes like blue fires burn inside the creature’s eyesockets as it turns to look towards me.

“And I doubt you’re here to make friends.” I reply, my knees shaking a bit before I steel myself and reach for the Vorpal Blade.

“Ah-ah-ah! We’ve only just met!” the creature responds, snapping two patchwork fingers, and the vorpal blades vanish from all four of us, at it unwinds, equine torso stretching unnaturally as it does so. “Now, before you assume I’m up to no good, why don’t we try introducing each other?” it says, grinning and giving a low, bubbly laugh.

“Because so far, everything that wants conversation only uses it as a distraction to get an advantage on us.” I reply flatly. “Seriously, am I the only one who’s noticed this trend?”

“Oh please, I already hold all the cards.” she says, holding up a handful of terrified card soldiers, all of them frantically trying to escape before she simply begins shuffling them. “I have no need to get an ‘advantage’ over you. Now, let’s get back to introductions; even I need some amount of order in my life! Here, you start human, introduce someone!” the dragon-headed monster’s grin is wide and full of teeth that refuse to match any other in her mouth.

I roll my eyes and gesture to Twilight. “That’s Twilight Sparkle... but before we continue, how do you know what a human is?”

“Terra is not the only land that borders this one, obviously.” the creature replies. Alright, Twilight Sparkle, you introduce someone else!”

Twilight, looking very put-upon and scared, quails under the quite literal spotlight, and she stammers out, “Th-this is Pinkie Pie, and she’s an Earth pony?” Pinkie gives a nervous wave, but she doesn’t seem nearly as nervous as before.

Once the jabberwock gestures at Pinkie to keep things going, Pinkie introduces Cadence, and Cadence introduces the jabberwock.

“And now it’s my turn! Everyone, this is Ant-” I interrupt the creature when I hear the hard ‘t’ sound it’s making.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” I hiss, fist flaming.

“Ooh, sore subject?” she asks, burbling again. “Fine then, this is Anthony, the starborne-hero!” she says, “Now let’s find another game to play! I wouldn’t want to get bored.” at the word ‘bored’, a flicker of terrifying, almost-divine levels of hatred appears in her visage, startling even me, and the flames on my hand go out in surprise.

“Alright, fine... what games do you know?” I ask cautiously, backing up and preparing for a hasty escape.

“Oh I know a lot of games, but I want you to give me a game! Or else we play ‘hide and eat’.” I don’t doubt that wasn’t a mispronunciation of ‘hide and seek’.

I turn to the ponies. “We need to come up with an easy game that’s over fast so we can get out of here, any ideas?” The question is mainly aimed at Pinkie, games kind of being her thing.

“Well, there’s plenty of board games I know, but all of them are dangerous in Wunderland. Uhm... I mean, Tic-Tac-Toe is a good one, but I don’t know something like that will want to play it. Not enough pieces involved, too simple.” Pinkie says, looking uncomfortable.

I then have an idea. “What’s the likelihood that we can get the thing too drunk to see straight?”

“How would we do that though?” Cadence asks looking past me at the creature.

“Drinking games. Humans have plenty of them. Usually they’re played like other games, but in the event that you fail you take a drink and keep playing. Usually the loser isn’t who loses the game but ends up either puking or unable to play through inebriation.” I explain, Twilight looking utterly baffled.

“But, who would play a game where they could get drunk? I’ve heard ponies tell of experiences and it isn’t pleasant...”

“I’ll explain human culture later, right now, let’s see if we can’t get this thing wasted.” I end the ‘huddle’ of sorts and turn back to the Jabberwocky. “Alright, I have a game. It’s called trivial pursuit. Only with a new rule. If you get an answer wrong, you have to take a drink.” I pause before adding a bit of clarification lest it find a loophole. “Of something alcoholic.”

The jabberwock thinks for a moment, tapping its jaw with a forelimb. “Y’know, I’ve never heard of this one before... absolutely! I’ll even provide the drinks! Now, how do I win this game~?”

I grin. “By getting more right answers than anyone else and not passing out from drinking too much. We have one person draw a card and read out the question. The players, excepting the ‘dealer’, must give an answer and any wrong answers mean the people who answered wrong have to drink.”

“Oh! I love it already.” The jabberwock says, and settles in. “Shall we begin?” It asks, gesturing at a circle of chairs. There’s a keg next each chair, with a long crazy straw sticking out of each wooden top. In the center is a stack of cards with intricate, moving designs on the back, like printed gifs. The jabberwocky settles into a throne made of taffy and candy canes, twisted together into a vaguely chair-like shape. What’s eerie is that there’s little peppermint patty skulls dotting the throne.

I turn to the ponies. “Alright, we decide who’s going to challenge the Jabberwock. Because if we all play then-”

“Oh, you’re all playing.” The jabberwock interrupts, grin wide enough to not be fully on its face.

“Well then, one of us has to be the designated card reader. We can’t have everyone drinking and end up letting a card be misread, that’s unfair and wouldn’t count.”

The jabberwocky furrows its brows, then snaps it phalanges, and a Cheshire Cat appears, with gold and green stripes. “Cat. You will read the cards for this game, and I will fail to eat you.” The jabberwock says, putting the cat down in a small chair next to the stack of cards. The cat, looking utterly perturbed, nods.

“Alright, then we’ll do it as teams. Predator versus prey. The ponies and I against the Jabberwock.” I take the ponies into a huddle one last time. “Okay, I don’t know how well you guys can hold your booze but we better hope that our combined tolerance outdoes the Jabberwock. Some questions will be easy, others won’t. We gotta play smart. Normally I’d suggest Twilight leads, but since unicorns supposedly have shit alcohol tolerance, we’re gonna have to stick with Pinkie and I, our metabolisms are pretty high and should burn it off.”

“We don’t know what kinda alcohol is in there, Anthony, are you sure you wanna rely on that?” Pinkie asks, concern in her inflection.

“No, he’s right; even if it’s magical, it should burn off more quickly in an earth pony’s system, and Anthony’s stellar nature should make him highly resistant. I just hope there’ll be plenty of questions about things I’ve studied. And Cadence should be nearly immune to even the magical stuff, if she keeps using magic.”

I nod. “Yeah, these questions could range from sports scores to quantum physics. We just have to answer the questions as best as we can and get out of here when the Jabberwock can’t stand up, much less give chase. Okay, plan is set, let’s do this.”

“Wait, sports? Nopony said anything about sports.” Twilight says, eyes wide. “I... I don’t know anything except what I’ve read.”

I wince. “Answer as best you can. I couldn’t finagle a way to keep one of us from playing, so we’ll all have to hope we can last. Despite the possibility of questions being outside her range, I think Twilight has the best bet here even if she’s a unicorn. We need to play smart. Hell, cheat if you have to.”

We all nod and break apart to take our seats at the table. I look at the keg for a label or any markings that might divulge what’s in it. Sadly, there’s nothing but the faint scent of honey in the air; maybe a mead-type alcohol?

The cat clears his throat, looking around. “Well, if you’re all about ready to let me begin...” He sounds haughty and in control, in spite of everyone here knowing he’s not. “Which nonmagical terrestrial mammal has the longest gestation period?” He stares directly at Twilight when he asks this, evidently choosing her to make the first answer.

Twilight is about to answer when I raise a hand. “Wait, Humans use the term ‘terrestrial’ to identify something from Earth, my home planet. Do you mean Terrestrial as in from the pony homeworld or human?”

“Neither, it means native to above-ground land, not the air, sea, or underground.” The cat says.

I nod. “Well, I’m a bit rusty but I’m gonna say... African elephant.” I know it’s an elephant but I can’t remember the exact type.

The cat looks down. “Yes, that is the answer on the card.” I sigh in relief. “Wait, no, it says ‘Zebrican elephant’. Take a drink.” Before I can contest this, the jabberwocky turns to look at me, and I take a sip from my crazy straw. Mmm, that’s mead alright.

I feel the urge to complain that the difference between african and zebrican is entirely cultural and other such things, but I’d rather not make this take longer than needed. “Next question then.” I say, finishing off the sip of drink. It’s not that strong from what I can taste, but it’s good enough to want more meaning maybe it would sneak up on you. That’s a problem.

“Well, ah, I’m next, then.” Cadence says, sitting to my left. The cat shuffles in place, and clears his throat again. “Now... hmm. Which actor played the main character in the 1990 film ‘Edward Scissorhands’?” It asks, turning towards the Jabberwock, who stares for a moment.

“The what when what?” The immense, serpentine beasts asks, blinking. “I’ve never heard of the last three or four things in that question.” It says, sounding mildly upset, and its face its expression is growing cross.

I ‘buzz in’ with, “Johnny Depp.” And get it right, forcing the Jabberwock into drinking.The creature grumbles unhappily, and the cat turns back to us. The girls look at me strangely.

“How did you know that?” Twilight asks.

“Are you kidding? That movie was part of my childhood!” Damn, now I’m thinking of home... “Uh... next question.”

The next one is, ‘Kopi Luwak is a very expensive type of...?”

I look around the table and shrug. I have no idea. Cadence however responds with ‘Coffee’ confusing me greatly. “Wait, there are ‘expensive brands’ of coffee like wine?”

Cadence just smiles. “I may not be like most princesses but I know plenty about what costs the most and what doesn’t. You don’t stay rich without being frugal after all.”

I chuckle “Tell that to Canterlot.”

“I know, right?” Cadence laughs and the cat coughs to get our attention.

“That answer is right. Turn passes to the predator team... of one. Your question is ‘The use of reflected sounds to locate objects is known as what?’”

“Oh, that’s easy. Echolocation.” The Jabberwock says.

“Very well. Back to the prey team. Your question is ‘what is the term for an irrational fear of clowns?’”

“Coulrophobia is not irrational!” I argue. “Clowns are fucking disturbing and everyone knows it.”

“I would have accepted ‘rational’ as an answer.” The cat responds, turning towards the Jabberwock. “Your question is: ‘what is the capital of Equestria?’”

The jabberwock answers “‘Everfree City’.”

Twilight coughs and all eyes turn towards her. “Actually, it’s taught that since the princesses have moved out of the Everfree forest that the current capital is Canterlot. That should be the right answer if the cards are up to date.”

The cat consults the card and nods. The jabberwock growls. “Not fair! I haven’t left Wunderland in nearly a thousand years!” But grudgingly swallows a gulp of alcohol.

I grin. “If The cards know Johnny Depp is the lead actor of Edward Scissorhands then it’s obvious they’re not only current, but multidimensional.” I turn to Twilight and whisper. “Which means I can answer most Earth questions, but we could run into a question about a fictional world too.”

Twilight nods, biting her lip. “We’ll just have to hope we can answer enough to outlast the Jabberwock.”

“The next question, for the prey team, is: ‘Duck-Billed platypi are native to which planar junction?’“

I look to Twilight. “I have no idea what he means by planar junction. Does he mean the specific galactic designation, or something else?”

Twilight shakes her head. “No, it refers to which plane of existence or elemental plane it’s native to; think of junctions as nations on a continent. And if I remember my summoning classes correctly, platypi of all three kinds are found in a junction between the air, water, and lightning elemental planes, and the one for chaos... argh, but I can’t remember the name! I never could summon them...”

“You don’t have to summon one for real, just remember the lesson.” I plead. As good as the stuff is, I don’t want to drink if I don’t have to.

Cadence suddenly bursts out, “Stralum!” And the cat nods. She sighs. “I only remembered because I had one as a familiar during high school.” She explains.

“Cadence, why do I get the feeling you have the most interesting history of all of us? Jabberwock included.” I say, looking to the alicorn and grinning. She blushes, and humbly denies it. I don’t buy it. Duck-billed platypus as a familiar? In High school? Closest thing I had to a familiar in high school in the first place was maybe a friend or two who were just barely dumber than me.

“Next question for the predator team is ‘What is a baby rabbit called?”

Before it can make a good comment, the word ‘delicious’ slips from its lips, and it slaps it appendages over its mouth. The cat shakes its head, and the jabberwock takes an angry gulp from its keg.

I laugh. I thought this would be hard, but so far it’s no problem! “Next question.”

“Indeed. The next question is, Who played the fictional anti-hero Deadpool in the 2016 live-action movie on iterations Y217 to Ipsilon884?”

I stand bolt upright and slam my hands on the table. “There’s a Deadpool movie!?” I grab the cat and start begging for details.

“Aaand there goes our chance of getting the answer...” Cadence mutters as I shake the feline for information.

However, he doesn’t seem to know, and eventually just slashes my hands, making me drop him. The twin sets of clawmarks are bleeding freely, and the princess has to cast a spell to get it to stop.

I’m not very deterred though. A Deadpool movie? And I missed it!? Wait... Myrna is from ‘16, maybe she saw it! I have to ask when I get back. Oh my god a Deadpool movie! I hug myself in excitement. No matter the cost, I have to see it!

My thoughts are interrupted by the Cheshire Cat’s next question for the Jabberwock. “How many furlongs are in a mile?”

“Eight” comes the immediate answer, before I can even contemplate the question.

“Well then, here’s the next question: What does the acronym ‘DNA’ stand for?”

I reply with “Deoxyribonucleic acid.” At the exact same time Twilight does, and we share a grin, Pinkie and Cadence just looking vaguely confused. “Maybe you are as smart as you say you are.” I snipe.

“I’m at the top of my class in the best school the best-educated country in the world can offer; of course I’m as smart as I say.” She replies.

“Yeah... for a pony.”

Cadence stares knowingly at us. “We’re in the middle of a game, you two can kiss later. Or now, I’m not picky.”

I’m about to protest but I’m interrupted by the cat’s next question. “Which actor that once played James Bond previously competed in the Mr. Multiverse bodybuilding competition?”

“Oh, that would be that-” the jabberwocky licks its lips, “delicious mr. Connery fellow~” the way it says his name makes me want to peel my skin off, then take a cold shower made of bleach and hydrochloric acid...

Either way, the question is answered correctly and turn passes back to us.

I think it’s been a few hours now and we’re all still standing, though Twilight is the first to be looking a little frazzled as expected. There’s more cards in the ‘used’ pile than there is in the draw deck, and I’m starting to feel a buzz. If the Jabberwock is giving any signs of being drunk it’s not showing clear enough for me to see. Same goes for Cadence. Pinkie finally had to take a drink and at tasting the mead began answering questions wrong on purpose just to take more drinks. How she’s still not tipsy I have no fucking clue.

Looking up with my vision swimming slightly, I see that the jabberwock is answering another question, but no longer has that eternally smug grin on its face. Her face, really, the voice is feminine and she acts like a girl so I think it’s a lady... or something close to one, anyways.

Turn passes to us and the cat gives the question. “What is the term for the distance around a circular object?”

“Uh... circ-something... wait... I got it...” I pause to think and the fog in my head clears temporarily. “Cir... cumf... erence.”

Twilight just nods, swaying a bit. Guess we’re a bit more out of it than I thought. I then get an idea. I spark up and... I was gonna... oh yeah, literally burn off energy by generating electricity and releasing it into the ground. The first few thousand volts take a while to generate and I can tell the amperage is lacking, but I should be a lot better when... I... stop... okay... bad idea, just... tired now.

“As nice as... as that light show was... I do believe I’m still... winning.” My opponent says.

“In your dreams...” I reply. “I can keep going longer than you can. Come on, next question.”

“Another for math. The fourth dimensional continuation of the line, square, cube progression is called a...?”

“A mega... no an ultra... uh... itsa cubey thingy, but moreso.” The Jabberwock says, swaying alarmingly to one side as she tries to tilt her head for thinking, before finishing. “A hypercube! That’s it.” She smiles broadly, and I have to admit, she’s got a nice... linear-ness to her. Kinda cute, if she didn’t wanna eat me.

“It’s... called a-a tesseract.” Twilight mumbles just loud enough to be heard. “Tha’s the... the actu’l word... right?”

Okay, Twilight slurring like that is pretty funny.

The cat looks over the card. “Both are listed as answers, so both I suppose.” He sighs and rubs his face. “Y’know, I would like to go home eventually, can one of you pass out already?” He asks, though he reaches for another card all the same as the Jabberwocky leers at him lopsidedly.

“Maybe if someone magicked up a stronger drink...” Cadence says, the least wobbly of all of us. “Though I’m not complaining. Usually it takes several gallons of red wine to get me where I am now.”

I chuckle. “Shit girl, I’d expect you to balloon up before you keel over...”

“Moving hastily along...” The cat replies dryly, before reading the next card. “The three continents of Terra are Equus, Zebrica, and what?”

Twilight looks like she’s concentrating hard, apparently math being the only subject on her clouded mind. I can practically hear the gears turn in her head and man are they rusty. But she answers. “Uh...” Or she’s about to mess up badly. She blinks, then starts laughing. “Izz Wunderland!” She yells, grinning triumphantly.

“No.” The cat replies, and Twilight blinks. “Wunderland is considered an extradimensional location, not a continent. The correct answer is Eupora.” She nods, then sucks up some more of her drink. Immediately afterward, she looks at me, completely cross-eyed, and tips over off her chair. She hits the ground snoring.

“And the unicorn goes down!” I yell, going for a sharpie when I recall I don’t have one. “Who’s... who’s got a marker?”

“Next question.” The cat says, being an utter killjoy. As I sigh, he rattles off “Gymnophobia is the fear of...?”

Cadence scrunches her face. “Oooh, I know this one... is it our turn right now?” She asks, looking around with bright, but booze-filled eyes.

“No, it’s team predator’s turn.” The cat informs us. Guess she’s more tipsy than she looks. “That means the Jabberwock.”

At the name, the creature opposite us looks like it was just called on in class and hadn’t studied. I know that look. I’ve seen it on school kids right before they bullshit their way to an answer.

“Er... the fear of... of... exercise equipment?” She posits, looking a combination of crushed and angry when the cat shakes his head.

“Iznudes!” Cadence yells gleefully. “Scarda nudeys.” She says, smiling and faceplanting into her own keg, earth pony toughness resulting in smashed wood and alcohol going everywhere as she begins to snore in the most adorable way possible. I kinda wanna just snuggle her right now, maybe go to sleep too...

The Jabberwock takes a drink and I’m reminded of my mission. If I fall asleep, it’s all up to Pinkie, who is wobbling, and not in the ‘I have tons of energy’ way she usually does. If we lose, we get eaten. Gotta win this. Come on, it’s about time we got an easy question for me...

“Who originally used the line ‘keep watch, true believers’ on Earth?”

“Stanley something...” I say. “No, wait. Stan Lee... his whole name is like a big first name...”

“Er... yes, that is it. Now for your next question... what is the term for the distance from the center of a circle to its perimeter?” The cat asks. The Jabberwocky, who has done pretty poorly on any question requiring linear thinking, pauses.

“Uhm... the... the diameter?” She guesses, and has to take another drink. Almost immediately, she begins to topple over in slow motion. “Ooh, I think I’ve... had one too... too many...” She mutters, and slowly falls limp on the ground, snoring in a surprisingly gentle manner.

I stand up, and have to spend a few moments gaining my balance and I lean over to Pinkie. “Come on... we gotsta... get us outta here before it wakes up...”

“Okie dokie lokie...” Pinkie salutes and giggles a bit as she goes over to Twilight and hoists the unicorn onto her back, I do my best to carry Cadence over my shoulder but it’s difficult so I switch to just carrying her in my arms like a rabbit.

I need to find a way to sober up... I turn to the cat. “Hey... got anything for-” I look around, but the cat is nowhere to be seen. “Damnit. Guh... How long has it been?”

“Long enough...” Pinkie says, giggling at her vague answer. Yeah. I figure we missed the portal at the brook. Gonna have to track it down some other way. No ideas come to my rather foggy mind though. “Heya, y’wanna just wander off a ways an’, idunno, just set up camp overnight?” She suggests.

I want to protest, say we have no idea where we might be when we wake up but I’m too tired to argue, and agree to Pinkie’s plan. I’m not particularly tired honestly, but I am dizzy and I get the feeling like my judgement is not going to be that stable and I figure a nap before the hangover hits would be a good idea.

We find a place outside the tulgey forest to set up camp and Pinkie and I set down our passengers and lay down. “So... whatcha wanna do ‘fore we tired enough to sleep?”

She comes over and snuggles with me in answer, curling up next to me and smiling. “I’m fine with just being here, for now.” Her breath smells like honey and peppermint, and her eyes close moments before mine.

Jump to top

Chapter 34

I wake up and note through my headache that I’m just barely dressed, only wearing my socks and underwear. And Pinkie now fully on top of me from her earlier position.

I sigh and groan as I reach for my shirt. “I really hope this isn’t what it looks like.”

“Shame.” Cadence says, looking up and grinning widely. “I’d love to have some pictures if it is.”

Pinkie snuggles more atop me, legs on either side of my hips as she uses one of her forelegs as a pillow of sorts. I realize she’s kinda drooling on me a little, and that said drool has been there long enough it’s the same temperature as me.

I just hope those are the only fluids that have been ‘traded’ here. I shake Pinkie’s free foreleg to wake her up, but she just keeps on snoring and wraps a hoof around my hand.

“D’awwwwww.” Cadence grins as she looks at us. “You two are just so cute... and here I am without a camera. I knew I forgot something when we came here.”

Twilight, now also awake, takes one look at me and turns around, face red as a firetruck.

“Chill, nothing happened... I hope.”

“You know, the first time Shining and I ended up like that, you know what my first thought was?”

I roll my eyes. “I get the feeling you’re going to tell me anyways.”

She smiled. “I wondered what our children would look like.”

I pick Pinkie up and deposit her on the ground next to me. “Oh no, no way. I am not gonna be a dad. Not on your life.” I grab my clothes and hastily get dressed. Luckily it seems that snuggling was really as far as last night went. ”Either way, I say we find where the Gate is and head there now. We’re lucky to have not been messed with in our sleep.”

Cadence just sighs. “Okay, serious talk then. You need a mare, badly. If that’s how you react to waking up with a nice mare like Pinkie, and you’re straight of course, there’s a problem.”

“Look, I just don’t want to have any complicated friendships. And I have a potential girlfriend anyways. I’d rather be with her than Pinkie.”

“Oh come on... you can have more than one mare, right? I’m sure Pinkie’d love to-”

“I am not a polygamist. The way I see it, there’s gotta be only one girl for me and right now that’s turning out to be Myrna.”

Twilight steps in to... sort of defend me. Well, more like explain me. “Humans are monogamous by nature, it’s just how they work since the male to female ratio isn’t as drastic. I was hoping that Anthony would grow out of this silly notion that he’s still bound by his home culture but considering he convinced us to play a drinking game, I’m worried his human culture will rub off on impressionable youths. He’s already made an impact on the children around Ponyville.”

Cadence pouts cutely. “That’s no fun. Heck, I wouldn’t be mad if Shining found another mare.”

“Well if I were him I’d be happy with what I had and not act like I needed another chick in order to feel ‘complete’. Or whatever reason he’d have.”

“Mmm... maybe that cute maid that got assigned to my room on Wednesdays...” Cadence muses, making Twilight blush harder than ever before. “Or the Zebrican ambassador. That rear...”

“Whatever, love-bug I’m gonna get us out of here, you can dislike my lovelife choices all you want but keep it to yourself.”

“Oh fine...” She relents, rolling her eyes.

Pinkie wakes up around this point and gets up on her hooves, “So we got away from the Jabberwocky, right?”

“Seems like it.” I reply. “Considering we’re not eaten right now. So Twilight, can you find the gate with that locator spell again?”

“Maybe if you stopped yelling...” She mutters, and begins to charge her horn, the wireframe forming slower than before.

“Heh, first hangover.” Cadence says, rubbing Twilight’s head like a parent. “It’ll pass... I remember my first time getting drunk.”

“Save the stories for later, I just wanna get home and sleep in a real bed without worrying that I might get killed or transformed.”

“Agreed.” Twilight says, finishing the spell.

The compass spins slowly before resting on a direction. I yawn and stretch before beginning to follow where the compass points. “So can this thing tell us how far it is, or do we just follow it until we get there?”

“Just follow it until we get there.” She says, and sighs, rubbing her head before heading along as well. The silence is a bit boring, but I have to agree with Twilight in that it sort of sounds like everything is too loud. We just keep walking forward, the compass never really changing directions which I suppose is a good sign that we’re headed in the right direction but it’s also so stationary that, were it tech and not magic, I’d imagine it was broken.

“So, before the Jerrymander attacked, what crazy adventure did you and Cadence have?” I ask Pinkie who seems to have made a pretty full recovery. If she’s suffering from any hangover effects, she’s not showing them.

“Well, I wandered around after leaving my Granny’s house, and then I went to see if some of my favorite places are still there; I only got to visit once in a long time, and then I moved to Ponyville, and didn’t get to visit at all anymore. I mean, it’s pretty great around Wunderland if you know all the tricks, and Granny Pie taught me not to be afraid and that’s number one. Well, number two right after ‘don’t eat anything a stranger gives you unless you’re starving because the alternative isn’t worth it otherwise.’ Granny Pie has a lot of practical advice when she wants to.”

“She met up with me in a mushroom forest; I’m not sure which one because it kept changing colors. We met the Tweedle Twins, and escaped without a headache or injury, and discovered a pond that I think connects to alternate versions of Wunderland... Our reflections looked like humans.”

“Interesting...” I muse. “I assume you didn’t try to get in the water?”

“Oh Tartarus no!” Cadence says. “Neither of us had ever heard of it before, so there’s no telling what it could do.”

“Smart. I woke up near a bunch of flowers that were attacking Twilight who had been shrunken. Then we met a caterpillar who told us to find a different caterpillar and we got attacked by Jubjub birds and it just goes downhill from there.”

“Aww, I wish I coulda met the JubJub birds! My Granny Pie keeps a whole flock of them for their feathers; they’re super-well behaved.”

“Well behaved?” Twilight mutters. “Tell that to the ones we met, they tried to kill us.”

I agree and take out the feathers in my pocket and pass one to Cadence. “I had to deal with them.”

Cadence gasps at the feather, holding it in her magical grasp. “Oh, these’re so valuable!” She says, and goes to tuck it into her hair, before stopping to give me a look in askance.

“Hey, it was kill or be killed. And I figured I might as well take some. They aren’t using them anymore.”

“May I have one?” Cadence asks, giving me eyes that’re wide and watery, the perfect puppy dog eyes. And unlike with the Crusaders, I don’t fear the results of her getting ahold of one of these.

“Sure.” I readjust the feather in her hair to be straighter. “I got a few more. I’ll probably keep them as souvenirs.”

“Well, they are also useful in a couple of different potions, including a Silence potion. They sell really well... they’re also very good for pillows. They never poke through the fabric.”

“Well if we come across another bunch of Jubjub birds, I’ll skin them the best I can and we may even find out what they taste like.”

“Okay, that’s disgusting.” Twilight says. “I understand the idea of killing before you’re killed but... plucking and eating them? That’s just cruel!”

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out here in Wunderland. And you can’t deny that you’re at least a little curious.”

Twilight glares at me. “If you weren’t right I’d be very upset.”

Of course it’s that curiosity that makes her dangerous, as much as it benefits me. Either way we continue on, and we don’t end up finding any more Jubjub birds. Seems I scared them off. “But if they really are that expensive I really do think I could come back here some time and get some. The only real problem would be finding them as I already know how to beat them relatively easily.”

“Yes, they won’t move if there’s no noises, so they fill their little groves with dead trees and sticks to make it easier.” Pinkie says. “But if you raise them from little eggs, and do so in your own home, they’ll keep your house as their grove, and protect that. Granny Pie raises enough of them that the whole Gate camp is in their grove.” She continues.

I nod and we continue to follow the compass in silence. Trudging along, we move out of the forest after an hour or two, and find ourselves in a wide, grassy plains with sparse trees, each looking rather odd. In fact, they look almost like they’re upside down, mostly the fact that there’s no leaves on their branches, and each splits two or three times before hitting the ground. I figure that if something is going to stop us again, this would be the time and place, so I just keep walking, expecting yet another ‘whimsical’ interruption.

A moment later and I’m being grabbed by Twilight and Cadence’s magic, having just fallen up towards the empty sky, gravity having decided this is a good place to work in reverse.

“Anthony, are you okay?” Twilight asks as I kneel on the ground, extreme vertigo running through my system thanks to the chaotically rearranged gravity I just experienced. I’m a little nauseous, actually.

“I will be once we get through this. Honestly, this place is starting to border on being downright infuriating.” I explain as I stand up, attempting to get my balance back. I’m serious, if it’s not one thing it’s another and my patience is wearing thin.

“Well, it did come with a rather large book of dangers...” Twilight begins, but I silence her with a hand.

“I get it, Wunderland isn’t half as great as my rosy glasses led me to believe.” I grumble, steadying myself so I can stand up. “Now let’s find a way around this... upside-down place.” Unfortunately, the compass just keeps pointing across the potentially-lethal expanse as we work our way around, skirting the edge of the plains until we come to a familiar expanse of cracked earth and deep gulfs, a stream of water falling up the side of the nearest canyon and flowing into the air over the plains. Once the spectacle’s oddity wears off it’s really not anything special, and I realize we’re back in the area I had to get through to find the yellow caterpillar. “And we just went in a giant circle... of course.”

“Really? Because I’ve never been here.” Pinkie says, looking around. “Wooow... look at all the floaty things!” She bounces at the edge of the cliff, garnering concerned looks from all of us, as nobody is sure how sturdy the edge actually is.

“I’ll admit I haven’t been here before, but it sounds like you have, Anthony.” Cadence says.

“Yes, we travelled through here while we looked for the Yellow Caterpillar.” Twilight explains looking around. “This is... much less impressive than I remember. Of course, I was only a few inches tall at the time.” She says.

“Yeah, so we just keep following the compass until we get to the Gate. Just don’t let the gravitational changes get to you. Don’t think too hard and they aren’t a big issue.”

“Don’t think too hard? When has that been a problem for anypony here but Twilight?” Pinkie asks.

I pause. I’m not sure if that’s an insult, but “I feel like I should be insulted...”

Twilight blinks and looks over. “I think I have to agree with you Anthony...”

“Either way let’s just get out of here. So far the most dangerous creature in this area has already been dealt with. Again, by me. You’re welcome.”

“Why do you always expect we’d thank you for killing things?” Twilight asks cautiously.

“Because I’m also saving your lives, and considering I don’t hear many thanks, I just imagine that you are thanking me anyways. Makes me feel actually appreciated for my skills.”

Twilight and Pinkie both roll their eyes, but Cadence pats me on the back gently with a wing. She leans over and whispers a ‘thank you’ in my ear, an action that makes me feel inexplicably flustered. Man, I hope this doesn’t make getting across this place awkward.

Still, I am right in that I’ve saved all of us once and Twilight a total of four times since coming here. Sure she didn’t have to be... whatever about it, but Cadence at least gave me what I need to feel appreciated. Of course the fact that I had to fish for it in the first place makes it a bit less genuine.

We work our way out into the wonky gravity area, and maneuver pretty easily with Cadence’s help; it’s good to have someone with wings this time; it makes last-minute course corrections so much easier. Of course, once we’re on the other side, we find that the compass is more or less pointing back across the chasm, and we’re forced to make our way around until we get to a series of cliffs. All of them are insanely tall, and are made of strange, horizontal bulges, like... well, like books stacked on their sides, I guess, but absolutely gargantuan.

“Well, might as well start climbing I suppose.” I say, summoning what remains of my satchel of coal into my barbed climbing gloves from before. If these are books, it should be easy to get a grip on them, paper being more malleable than stone. I slam my hands forward, then gasp and begin to curse, as I had just smashed my hand into solid rock. “Firetruck!”

“What?” Twilight asks, sounding puzzled over either my response or my comment.

“Firetruck.” I say again. “It’s the only child-friendly word that starts with an 'F' and ends with an 'uck' sound."

“... I don’t get it.” Twilight says.

“Well firetruck you then.” I reply, while I try to figure out how to scale the book-shaped rock wall. Let’s see, I could probably use the areas between each book’s binding as a hand or foothold, except each one is nearly ten feet tall -or thick, depending on how you look at it- and is covered in loose soil and the occasional tuft of grass or a small tree.

I put the coal away and start thinking of a way to climb the cliff. “Cadence, you can fly. Is there a way around the cliff, or do we really have to get up this thing?”

Cadence looks up. “Well, I could get over it, but I’m not sure I’d be able to get anypony else up.” She says.

“Yeah, so could you fly up and survey the area to see if there’s a way for us to get around it from here?” I repeat the question, hoping it’s understood the second time.

“Yes, but there’s no guarantee that heading back exactly this way would mean we meet up again. It’d be better if you follow along the cliffside while I fly; it’s harder to lose somepony if you can still see them.”

“Fine. We’ll follow along on the ground, but if you see anything, say something alright? I just want to get home. Today preferably.”

“Same here, Anthony.” She replies, then opens her wings and takes off. The three of us stuck on the ground follow her slow, gentle gliding speed, as she watches the ground and cliffs below her.

“So Anthony,” Pinkie begins, “other than the nearly dying and horrible creatures trying to eat you, how have you liked Wunderland?”

“It’s crazy, and nonsensical but not in the entertaining way I’d hoped. This feels more like an ordeal than an adventure to be honest, considering I have to think my way out of problems all the time. I’d have preferred to just relax and enjoy the place, but that’s hard when there’s not much to really see. Sure it’s interesting, but once the novelty wears off it’s just annoying.” I answer honestly. “I know you have family here, but with all the crap you have to deal with just to stay alive, it isn’t exactly that great of a tourist attraction.”

“Yeah, the Tourism Trail is a lot more fun, but it’s only for ‘main characters’, whatever that’s supposed to mean.” Pinkie says. “Apparently, they’ve set it up because of a prophecy of somepony who’ll come in and define aaaall of Wunderland once and for all, but Idunno when or who that’s supposed to be.”

“So until Alice comes by, this place will just be random and nonsensical. At least, moreso than it will be.” I surmise. “Too bad we aren’t main characters.”

“Who’s Alice?” Pinkie asks, cocking her head as she walks.

“Alice. The girl who is the main character for the Wonderland books by Lewis Carroll. She’s a human girl who comes to Wonderland a few times and has various adventures with the places and creatures in Lewis’ poems.”

“You mean Blueish?”

“I mean the human versions of the books. Written by Lewis. He wasn’t a pony, and neither is Alice. In fact the only pony-like creature in the human Wonderland novels and poems was a unicorn who did battle with a lion.”

“A unicorn battling a lion? That sounds like a mean lion or a mean unicorn.” Pinkie says.

“Well, it’s the lion who’s mean if you ask the unicorn, and the unicorn who’s mean if you ask the lion. They’re on opposite sides after all.”

“I guess.” Pinkie says, sounding unhappy with the answer. “But if they’re both so similar, why not be on the same side?”

“Well, it’s like a big board game. The book Through the Looking-Glass identifies the Lion as the Red King's rook and the Unicorn as the White Queen's knight. They are therefore enemies and will fight. Their shared goal is to... uh... I forget, actually. I can’t remember what they were fighting over but it was a position or an object.”

“Oh, well, if they were from the Chessboard, that makes sense. Granny Pie always said to avoid the chessboard at all costs.”

I nod in agreement. “It’s a game of bitter combat after all. Strategy, but also rather brutal in nature.”

Pinkie shudders. “It’s no game here.” Her words and tone are solemn, and I nod again. I look up to Cadence who hasn’t spotted anything yet. Or if she has she hasn’t said anything.

Sighing, I continue to walk over the uneven ground, pausing when I see a chunk of rock with some symbols on it. Probably writing of some kind if it’s part of the book-stone cliff. I inspect the stone but I can’t read the inscription. I hand it to Twilight. “Can you read this?”

Twilight stops and turns around, picking up the fragment and looking it over, her magic letting her rotate it fully. “Huh, it looks like ancient Yakyakistani glyphs... It’s not a language I’ve studied much, but I can look it over when we get back home.” She says, going to tuck it into a saddlebag, before remembering she doesn’t have one anymore. “Uh, could you hold onto this?” She asks me hopefully.

I stick it in the satchel with my remaining coal. It should be safe in there until we can translate it. For now, we just keep following Cadence along the cliff. Finally, she starts circling, and waves us over as she goes in for a landing. “Found something?” I ask when she is within speaking range. “Is it the Gate?”

“No, it’s the entrance to a cave. I think it goes straight through.”

“Better than nothing.” I say and gesture for Cadence to lead the way to the cave. She shows us the way in, ducking down as she does; the tunnel is only about five feet in diameter, completely dark, and very claustrophobic. As well, there’s easily visible layers in the stony ‘books’ cementing the idea of pages, though each one is nearly an inch thick. I walk into the tunnel, ducking just a bit to fit in the circular area and spark up, bathing the nearby area in the steely blue-gray glow of my semi-translucent skin.

Twilight and Cadence have their horns lit, too, and there’s a lantern hanging from the curl of Pinkie’s mane, meaning we’re all able to see this time. This time? I shake the weird thought out of my head. Either way, we continue into the cave, though looking at the shape, it seems more like a tunnel. Like it had been carved out... sort of. It’s not smooth, but it’s definitely been dug in some fashion. There’s hundreds of odd, spiralling marks running along the circumference of the tunnel. We continue along until there’s no sign of the entrance’s light anymore, meaning we’ve gone deep enough that we are our only sources of light. It’s also very quiet. No cave noises at all, except the sounds of our footsteps.

As we walk along, we find that the cave is slowly expanding, until Pinkie slips and falls, sliding into a side-passage partially, yelping in pain. I turn to see why and see that there’ stony fibers along the edges of these layers in a way reminiscent of paper that’s been pulled apart roughly, or chewed apart or something.

Okay, the lack of any sounds or vibration, little to no light, circular caves with chew marks? “I know where we are now.” I say quietly. I shake off another wave of Deja Vu as I explain that “We’re in a worm’s tunnel system. A really really big worm.”

“Wh-what kind of worm would live in giant... uh oh.” Twilight says, and the realizations hits all of us more or less at the same time. The entry in the bestiary for bookwurms is one of the less complete ones, but does mention that they are almost insanely territorial. It also means we’re definitely in the Petrified Shelves area, one of the few places with a set location.

So, y’know, good and bad news.

I take a deep breath and begin thinking of a plan should we encounter the wurm. Let’s see, normal earthworms are sensitive to light and sound so we should come up with a way to overload it’s senses. How do I make light? And I mean very bright light...

I pause my spelunking to think about my goal. I can glow, but that’s not enough. Hmmm... I’d need a giant lightbulb or something, but where would I find one around here? Maybe... I start pacing, getting my body in motion to help my thought process. “I can generate fire and electricity, neither of which are bright enough but...” The girls stop at my musing and turn to me.

“Uh, Anthony, Bookwurms aren’t afraid of light...”

I ignore them and continue my train of thought. Fire plus electricity... that results in heated electrons. When electrons are heated up they get excited and... that’s the inner workings of a very basic lightbulb. If I mix my fire and electricity together. I charge a bit of electricity in one finger and a flame on the tip of the other. I touch my index fingers together and get a spark, brighter than any light I’d created previously. “Hah! I can create light! And sure, they aren’t afraid of it, but they like the dark, right? I can blind one even if I can’t hurt it. That’s... uh...” Why am I getting more Deja Vu? Did something happen here in Wunderland and we already went through this but can’t remember... Either way I recall it working.

The three ponies all look at me, faces lit with a pale yellow glow. Or, wait... no, they’re looking past me, and I just realized nobody here is producing a yellow light, Pinkie’s lantern having fallen and broken when she fell.

I turn to face the light and see a huge, rounded head, with an angler-fish like lure coming off the front and glowing a bright yellow. A pair of eyes, surprisingly human in appearance, look at me from behind large, thick glasses. It gives a querying ‘Rowrf?’ As it looks at me.

“I’ve faced bigger, uglier, and meaner. I can take you easy. Turn around.” I say, self-assured of my ability to defeat the gargantuan invertebrate.

The bookwurm’s eyes narrow, taking exception to my attack, and its mouth begins to open, revealing row after row of circular teeth, including two up in the front-top that look like buck beaver teeth. Is it seriously planning to eat us? For once, I have a plan that I’m sure of working. Not quite sure how I know it’ll work, but it’s a plan in advance which is better than all my other encounters here in Wunderland.

The massive worm bunches back a bit, then begins to surge forward, and it feels like the world slows around me, adrenaline pumping through my system and my powers amping up my speed as far as it’ll safely go. The wurm moves towards me at high speed, but it looks like it’s barely moving at all.

I lunge back and charge several thousand volts of electricity in one hand and a fireball in the other. “Cover your eyes!” I cry to the girls as I clap my hands together into a double-fist and the reaction takes several seconds to my perceptions, but I release a bright, blinding flash, simulating what amounts to a military-grade flashbang with a single clap.

Time returns to normal speed, and the wurm recoils mid-lunge, and the sound echoes painfully in the enclosed tunnel and the wurm thrashes backward, making the stone all around rumble and creak violently, and the wurm begins to chew rapidly through the stone pages, tearing apart the rock with ease as it burrows away. As it slips away, it drops a book, practically throwing it at me.

I pick it up as a trophy and stick it in the satchel to read later. “And that’s what happens when you mess with an apex predator.” I reply, catching my breath and grinning. That was, finally, actually pretty easy and with no dangers. “Let’s get moving.” As if to make my previous thought a lie, the roof rumbles, and a loud, low crackling noise echoes through the stone. “Actually, let me rephrase that... let’s get moving fast.” I say, grabbing Twilight as Pinkie and Cadence both run beside me, the four of us booking it out of the caves, nearly tripping as the sounds of falling stone begin to catch up with us, until we leap out of the cave, the thunderous crashing of the collapsing cave coming to an end as a choking cloud of dust hazes over us.

I look around and sigh in relief. We made it, we’re somewhere other than where we went in. “Okay, now where do we go from here?” Pinkie asks and I set Twilight down to create the compass again.

Twilight casts the compass spell, and sighs as it takes a moment to orient in a direction. “That way.” She says, rather breathlessly, and I realize she had been screaming the whole time I ran... and that I’d been holding her backwards, facing the falling roof of the tunnel. Oops, ah well.

We follow the compass and my mood deteriorates at the thought of what would have happened had I not thought of how to create a light-based attack. We’d be worm food for a damn pun. With a sigh I feel more than ready to just go home and never come back here again.

We continue on as I think, until we finally come to a large clearing with a table in the midst of it, and the remains of what looks like a party at it. As well, there’s a group of... people, I suppose surrounding it. All of them are almost flat, rectangular, and all are vaguely humanoid. They’re also about eight feet tall, and have what at first looks like rank patches on their shoulders. Then I see that they’re numbers and symbols, one of them cups, another coins, and a third with swords.

What really gets me, though, is that these apparent soldiers seem to be arresting the group that had been using the table, including what looks like a man in a brightly colored coat and a top hat. The only thing off about the ‘man’ is that it appears to be made entirely of silvery metal, with a smooth metallic expanse in place of a face. And I can’t shake the feeling he’s looking at me.

“Card soldiers and the Mad Hatter I presume?” I say, making my presence known. I think about the card soldiers and try to recall what each ‘symbol’ represents. I know that spades are gardeners, clubs are soldiers, diamonds are courtiers, and hearts are members of the royal family... but I can’t understand the correlation of cups and coins and swords...

One in red, with a generally heart shaped upper torso and a head covered in a scarlet helm, also with a heart motif, steps closer. “Halt and identify yourself, intruder.” As the card speaks, the Hatter mumbles something, still giving me the feeling he’s staring at me.

“Anthony.” I say, introducing myself and thumbing the vorpal blade at my side. “And who are you calling an intruder? You look like the party-crashers here.”

“We are the soldiers of the Queen. We have been instructed to apprehend these criminals, to be judged and given punishment as decided by the Queen’s whims.” The soldier responds. “What is your purpose here?”

As he speaks, the Hatter moves forward a little, towards me. “Know you...” and I hear the sound of one of the girls stepping out of the bushes behind me.

“Halt and identify yours- Halt and identify yourself, intru- Halt and identify yourself, intruder.” At first,the card soldier’s stuttering speech makes no sense, until I peek over my shoulder and see that all three of the ponies have stepped into view.

He says it once for each new arrival. That must get old fast.

“We’re trying to get home.” I explain to the soldier, who ignores me, until the girls each introduce themselves. Then, he turns back to me, and asks for my purpose here, again. Jeez, these guys are like robots, but less interesting. I sigh and repeat my message about wanting to go home.

“Where is your home located?” The card soldier asks, turning to face me again.

“Through the Lookinglass Gate that leads to Canterlot.”

“Define ‘Canterlot’.” Eeyup, robots.

“Capital of Equestria, home of the princesses, also home to a bunch of rich snobs with their heads up their rears. Ring any bells?”

“I am not equipped with bells.” The card-bot responds, drawing another sigh from me.

“Just let us go, we’ll be on our way.”

The card considers that for several seconds. “Negative. You will be brought to the Queens for processing, on suspicion of alliance with outlawed individuals.” The spare cards begin to move to circle us, and I feel myself grow angry. We just want to move along, why can’t we just get out of this crazy place already?!

“Okay, you know what? No, fuck you. I’ve had enough of this place. I’m going home.” I go to push the card over. He’s big, but also very thin, he can’t have much balance.

The card makes a swipe at me with a sword I swear he wasn’t holding before, forcing me to dodge. “Hostile actions recorded. Lethal force allowed.” All of the card soldiers draw their weapons. Sigh...

I take the Vorpal blade and it homes in in the nearest card soldier, easily lopping off his neck. The card soldier topples, dead, and the Blade slots home in its sheathe, as the card soldiers all advance as one, targeting either me or one of the girls, all of whom look shocked and unprepared, though Cadence at least has presence of mind enough to begin charging her horn for something. I go to another card soldier and quickly dispatch it in the same way. “You know, you three could help me.” Cadence replies by summoning a blue shield around us, the Vorpal Blade pinging off it and falling to the ground outside the bubble.

“I meant help with killing them. What’s a shield gonna do, keep them out until it’s broken? Great plan.”

“I’m sorry, I married a soldier, I didn’t train as one!” Cadence snaps back, giving a pained wince as one of the soldiers swings a flail at the shield, sending cracks through it that heal moments later.

“Well don’t waste energy on something that traps us in place. That really limits our options.”

“The shield is mobile, but they’re too close, I can’t move them! Besides, I thought you were the one who likes fighting.” She says, the bubble shivering in place.

“Not with a figurative hand tied behind my back I don’t.” I clarify. “Screw it.” I phase out of the bubble shield and grab the vorpal blade before walking through the nearest card and solidify to deliver a leg sweep, knocking the card over. Their main disadvantage being their thin bodies and therefore low weight. I continue my attack on the downed card and take off its head with my Vorpal Blade, turning to the other cards who seem to have identified me as the biggest threat and easier target.

I proceed to mix the use of my Vorpal Blade with my powers and dispatch card after card, making quick work of each of them, though one calls out for assistance and more cards come filing into the clearing. “I can keep this up all day.” I point out to the attacking cards. “You better have something better than this.”

A sudden blow at my ankles sweeps me off my feet, and I see a long, shepherd's-crook like staff coming down at my head. I got to dodge but end up feeling something hit me in the back of the head and everything goes blurry and sideways. I try to get up but I feel another hit and-

Jump to top

Chapter 35

The area all around me is smooth, gleaming, white stone. I’m not sure what kind, because there’s no imperfections or changes, and there’s seemingly random bursts of clear crystals a few feet away as my eyes open.

“That... was not fair...” I mumble as I go to sit up. “Cheap shot...”

I hear some muttering nearby, along with a faint, but high-pitched, ringing noise at the edge of my hearing. As well, the side of my head hurts like nothing else, and I think my face tried to stick to the floor. I manage to sit up and get a better look at my surroundings, rubbing my ear which seems to be the source of the ringing.

All around are eye-searingly bright white surfaces, smooth, clean lines, and geometric shapes. The crystal clusters appear to be giving off light, but it’s hard to tell with how bright and reflective everything here is. Where am I?

“Greetings, traveller!” A powerful voice sweeps through the room, tearing at my headache. I’m still recovering from the amount of booze I drank, and now the head injury, and the voice surpasses every other painful thing I’ve ever endured.

“Keep it down, some of us are still recovering...” I mutter as I attempt to stand up, hands gingerly pressed to my ears.

“Ah, we apologize. Please, rise in our presence, and be greeted by the light!” The voice bellows, and it’s only a few decibels quieter.

I get to my feet and look around for the source of the voice. I prefer the darkness to blinding light and it’s starting to hurt my eyes badly. I can feel them watering slightly. “Could you turn down the light a bit?”

“What light? There is only the grandeur of the White Queen; no meagre light may illuminate my majesty of our own self!”

“You just said... oh screw it. So you’re the white queen, great. Whaddya want with me?”

“We are... unsure. The Red Queen was in control of the castle forces when your capture was completed! She did not believe our own forces would be capable of defeating hers, and delayed your judgement and execution, and now it falls under our purview instead!” Argh, still shouting...

“Look, shut up and speak like a normal person!” I say, wincing at the loud voice. “What am I doing here? Make up your mind.”

“You are here to have your fate decided by our most magnificent and munificent desires! And we believe... hmm... you shall enter into this day’s chess game! Yes, this is a most immaculate idea!”

Oh... the chessboard. Great. Also... munificent? I take it this is the stupid sort of royal who knows big words but not what they mean. Either way... the chessboard, great. “So what piece am I? I’m fine with anything but the King.”

“You shall be our most important and valued of pieces, which shall be most instrumentalized to our purpose! A pawn!” Glaring at the source of the light, I finally make out a white, equine shape in crystalline armor, with geometrically precise hair.

More friggin’ ponies, even in Wunderland... of course. Might as well get this over with. “So when does the game start?”

“In but a short time. We shall go to glorious battle, and preserve the castle for the forces of the Light! And of Order, and peace, and of goodness!” The Queen says, pride in every word.

“Yeah yeah, blah blah, you’re the good guys and the other side sucks Hitler’s balls, I get it. Just call me when I’m up.”

“It shall be so! And we shall keep your companions well secured, that they may be safe until the victory meal of tofu and healthy portions this evening when you win this battle for us! By use of our own brilliant and most efficacious tactical expertise, of course!”

The way this queen talks and boasts, I have the feeling I could beat her in a game of chess all by myself. Either way, it looks like it’s just waiting for the game to start for now. Looking around, I spot the only bits of color not fitting the area, those being the splotch of blood where my head had been, bits of hair and skin stuck in the dried mess. The other is a large pool of silver with a rather distinct top hat floating on it, inside of a large, mostly clear vase.

Shit... “What did you do to the Hatter? I mean, obviously you liquified him but... why?” Rather than answering, the light simply seems to vanish for the most part, and I turn, seeing that the White Queen had left. Turning back to the vase, I see that a humanoid head is forming from the mercury-like liquid, hat perched jauntily on top.

“I know you.” The faceless Hatter says.

“You wouldn’t be the first.” I say, recalling the Jabberwock knowing my real name. “So what’s going on? Aren’t you, y’know, dead?”

“I know you.” The Hatter repeats, moving close to the layer of crystal separating us, brim of the hat folding against the clear crystal. “You spoke to me, when we met. When we first met. Not last time, but the time before time before time before that. You circle your fate... but you are not the same this time. What is different?”

I’ll be honest, it sounds important and philosophical, but I have no idea what he’s talking about. “Yeah, uh, okay. So what’s up with you? Why are you in a vase?”

“Because it is an effective method of holding a being made of a liquid material. Also, it is more blue than any other color, and I’m not feeling the inspiration for a blue period.”

“Uh, okay. So what do you mean I’m different this time? Also, you’re the Mad Hatter right? You aren’t supposed to be an animate liquid... I mean, I get the mercury correlation but it still doesn’t make sense.”

“I am what I make things of. That is how the saying goes, right?” The Hatter replies. “As for this time, I mean something has happened differently. You aren’t the you you were when you were the you you were.”

I’d put money on my still being drunk if I wasn’t still in the land of messed-up wordplay. “Okay then, so I... time traveled?”

“I suppose that would be the most logical conclusion, but it is a tad silly. After all, we’re all already travelling through time, at a rate of one second per second. It’s rather amazing that we’ve all been able to coordinate how fast we endure time, especially since I don’t recall being invited to any meetings on the subject!”

Okay, this guy is nuts. He’s like one of those crazy drunkards who sounds like they’re saying something important and meaningful until you finally realize he’s just talking bullshit. Unfortunately I have nobody else to talk to, so... “Are you going to be playing chess as well?”

“I am unsure, to be entirely honest. Hmm, what a funny phrase! As if one might announce dishonesty.” The silvery humanoid figure raises a dripping hand to his non-existent lips in thought.

I figure maybe seeing if the Hatter is anything like the Hatter is in the books would put us on the same page. If he gives the right answer to his famous riddle, he’s the real deal. “So, I have a question. How is a raven like a writing desk?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter, and I have to admit, that was the answer he gave in the original books, word for word. “But then... you were the one who told me to say that.” He says, baffling me to no end. I never... wait, this is more of this time-manipulation bullshit. For all I know, I did talk to him in an alternate timeline that he’s aware of. And if I become aware of a separate timeline as well as this one I could end up as batshit as this guy is. I decide to save my sanity, what little Wunderland has spared that is, and end my conversation. I resign myself to silence as I wait for my position as a ‘pawn’ to be needed.

About an hour later, I suddenly find myself in a line of pawns on a massive, hexagonal grid set into the ground between two castles... no, the same castle, just in two locations. Gah, my headache is coming back just looking at that.

Nevertheless, I’m a pawn and so I’ll be moved eventually to at least make way for a piece behind me, and at most to ascend and become a much more powerful piece. In either case, the hexagonal spaces baffle me. How does one tell the difference between straight and diagonal movement like this?

I see one of the pawns move straight forward, followed by one on the far side... in red. Huh, not black and white then. White and Red are the colors, and that pawn ahead of me has just moved. A few turns later, and I feel a pressure in my legs, begging me to move forward a space.

I figure this is how you play Chess with sentient creatures as the pieces: make them want to move. But that’s not taking advantage of a pawn’s main ability to move two spaces from the starting position, if I’m to become a better piece like a rook or a bishop, I’ll need to get to the other side faster. I obey the urge to move forward and try to continue on to the second hexagon ahead of me. I stop short when my feet just... fail to move forward past the middle of the hexagon.

This isn’t fair, I know chess. Sure not hexagon chess but still I bet I’m a better player than the White Queen is. Secondly, if she’s the white queen... why would a piece be the main player? How do they see the board? This is stupid...” The last bit of my thought is spoken aloud and heard by the rest of the nearby ‘pieces’.

“The Queen is creating a defensive screen, Pawn.” I turn to look over my shoulder, and see that it’s a pony in crystal armor and sporting a long, clear spike of glassy material from one armored shoulder. A knight, I guess, though the pony is nearly as tall as my shoulders, making it rather large for a pony, though not as big as Celestia who is about a head taller than I am.

“I am not a defensive player, really. Pawns are meant to become better pieces not just act as cannon fodder.” I say to the knight. I’m gonna figure out how to break the psychic control of myself and do what I want. “I’d make a better queen anyways.”

“Perhaps you would’ve been better on the Red Side... or perhaps you are the Knave. We shall see, in time.”

“Whatever, horseface, I’m just trying to get home.”

“Then perhaps you should be less eager to spend your life on a risky gamble, Pawn.” the knight responds, then tenses and gallops off to a new position.

“Am I the only one who thinks the term ‘pawn’ isn’t as derogatory as its implications?” I ask the piece behind me to my right, another pawn.

“Pawns are as valuable as any piece.” The other pawn replies. “It is not a term of derision, nor of honor. Only the Queens bear worth above the others.”

“You don’t play much chess yourself, do you?” I ask rhetorically.

“I was born to it, actually.” The pawn says, and I get a better look at him. He appears to be a fairly normal pony, dressed in simple but impressive white scale mail armor. He doesn’t appear nervous or upset, standing stoically in place one hex behind me. On a square board, this would mean diagonally-moving pieces could slip between us, but on this hexagonal board, we’re a solid wall of defense, and can move up one space at a time safely... I can see the value of this strategy, but it’s too defensive, and it’s not going to get us any meaningful captures.

“Unless she moves the pawn to my other side two spaces and lets the Rook out...” I mutter to myself as I imagine a top-view of the board and mentally move pieces around. Even on this hexagonal board, I can see a way to win this in roughly twenty-five moves assuming the opponent is of similar strategy. “But the knight can’t be where it is yet, we’ve already screwed up. It would take another ten moves to rectify the issue.” I say aloud to myself as I think it over.

The pawn looks over at me, a confused look on his face. “How can you tell?” He asks, sounding puzzled.

“I play chess a lot. Granted the hexagon spaces are new to me but I have a pretty good idea of how this could all play out. It just takes a bit of strategy and thinking ahead. Of course if I had a better view of the whole board it would be even easier.” The pawn blinks uncomprehendingly. I sigh. “Nevermind.”

Returning my attention to the other side I stand and wait for further orders. Chess had never been this boring before, I can’t see what’s going on. More than a dozen turns later, I’m grinding my teeth down as the White Queen makes a series of bad moves that put her in a worsening position, eventually starting to send me and the other pawn forward, the one I hadn’t talked to already picked off by a piece I didn’t recognize that didn’t move to attack.

Still, I’m moving, and that’s progress... If the queen gets her head in the game I could end up a rook or bishop and totally dominate from the other side. It’s just down to hoping though.

My buddy is picked off by an enemy Knight, a large earth-pony in blood red, without any armor, just a long, bone-like spur of a lance jutting from its shoulder. Its helmet is the only armor it wears, the full-face covering decorated with small spikes and splashes of crimson that don’t quite match the pony’s fur. That said, that should put it in prime position for me to take it out. I so badly want to just run up there and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, but that’s up to the queen... ugh.

Instead, I’m urged to step forward, putting me one space away from the enemy’s home row, meaning I’m only a single move away from getting empowered... and suddenly I’m not being given any move at all, other pieces getting moved around me. Twenty turns or so later, there’s a sudden feeling of something important breaking, and everything comes clear as I realize that both Queens are next to me, one on either side. Both look down to me, and at the same time, command me to take the other.

“Uh, okay, which one do I take?”

“You are the knave, it is your decision.” The Red Queen says. “Whomever you choose to obey will win this round. You will, of course, be rewarded appropriately.” Her voice is almost seductive, and looking at her, I can see why. For a pony, she’s actually rather nice to look at, and appears to be an alicorn, all in shades of red. Instead of wings, though, she has a series of thin, bony things, like fingers growing from her back, thin bloodshot webbing giving them some amount of volume.

“And what sort of reward would that be?” I ask, looking to the White Queen who is, without her absurd light, a rather normal looking pony, very similar to Celestia in appearance but pure white all over. Her mane, unlike Red’s luxurious fall of black cherry-colored hair, is short and carefully kept, all angular lines and precision, like Twilight’s mane taken to the logical extreme. She’s also more angular than her curvy comparator.

“I will give you any one thing you need most. As well, I am the embodiment of order and good!” She says, smiling triumphantly, as if that last part would win me over.

“And I will give you one thing that you most want. And whatever she says, she’s wrong about what she’s the embodiment of. She’s the avatar of stagnation and insipid idiocy run rampant.” Red says, whispering huskily to me.

“Well, what I need and want is to go home, so technically, assuming neither of you are lying, I could get what I want from both of you, making my choice not matter.” I say, always being one to create a third option, if one is not given. “What happens if I take neither of you?”

“You can’t not choose either of us.” White says. “You are a piece here, as much as either of us. And if the game runs too long... we will all be replaced, yourself included.”

“So we all want to win, and that means taking one of you. So who can give me my way back to Equestria?”

“Whoever wins.” Red says. “That is who will have the power of the Castle at their whim until the next game, tomorrow.”

I think about that. “So in other words it doesn’t matter who I pick, I’m going home either way.”

“No, it does matter. If you pick me, I can bring peace and happiness to anywhere in my control!” White says, stepping towards the edge of the space I’m on.

“Peace? Ha! More like boredom. I can throw a feast in your honor if you side with me, and send you safely on your way come morning.”

“I can throw a feast, too, and it’ll be healthy! I can get you to Equestria before the night is over!”

“I’m able to give him what he desires and a way back!”

“What I give him will help him be a better person!”

“Well, I can-”

“Shut up!” I yell, quieting the fighting. “Jeez, you are like the lion and unicorn, only you aren’t beating each other up, and one isn’t obviously winning...” The queens stare at me. “Look, I don’t need food so a feast would be purely for indulgence, also I fail to see how healthy food makes me a better person. The way I see it, Red is giving the better offer, but since I’m fair I can give both of you a chance.” I turn to White. “So go ahead, appeal to me. Why should I pick you? And no bickering.”

“With the power of the Castle, I can give you what you need. What this is yet, I do not know, but it will benefit you in the long run. I can also guarantee you safe passage to the nearest Lookinglass Gate, and ensure that you arrive as soon as is safely possible. I’ll also pack you some healthy snacks for the journey!” She says.

I nod. “Uh huh... And what else?” The second part is aimed at Red.

“I can grant you, with the power of the Castle, something you want more than anything else, though I don’t yet know what that is. And I will grant you safe passage come morning, to the nearest Lookinglass Gate. And tonight, I will throw you a feast, and entertain you as best as my considerable power will allow. You will have the pick of pleasures from a dozen different worlds~” she trails off the ‘s’ with what I assume is a seductive noise, but I’m not personally interested in her.

I weigh the options. On one hand I get health food and something I absolutely need. On the other hand... Well, pleasures from a dozen worlds has many implications, on top of what I want the most...

“Alright, I’m picking Red. Seriously White, you’re way too straight and narrow to come up with a good deal.”

“I- but you’ll need it! I promise!” However, her last-minute pleas don’t really sway me, and I step towards her with intent to ‘take’... whatever that entails, likely me killing her Wizard Chess style. The moment I step onto her tile, though, she simply fades away, looking utterly crushed.

“That... was incredibly anticlimactic.”

Red runs one of those creepy bone-finger things under my chin. “You made a good choice. Now, let’s rearrange things a little, and get this really started!” She says, two of the bony tendrils coming together and making a noise like snapping fingers, and the entire area shifts, and we’re riding on a parade float towards the castle, a scarlet-colored woman -not a pony, but a humanoid- lounges next to me, dressed in a long, flowing gown of near-black material, her blood red eyes focused on the crowd all around the long avenue rather than on me.

Hell of a reception for the win, that’s for sure.

After the float ride, which ends with some fireworks that are just barely visible in the sky, we enter the castle I assume I was in earlier, though the white ‘angular’ look is replaced with flying columns and gold-trimmed scarlet and burgundy fixtures everywhere. There’s red potted plants, whose leaves are shaped like hearts, potted roses climbing some of the columns, and red candles on near-black candlesticks and chandeliers made of black iron.

It actually looks pretty cool, and there’s actual carpet in here, which is even better, because those solid stone floors were extremely uncomfortable just to look at, let alone kneel or sit on. The Red Queen, still looking humanoid, walks down the halls like she’s perfectly at home in them, and there’s suits of blood-red armor standing at attention on stands in the alcoves on the walls. There’s servants galore, from a half dozen species or so, all of them dressed in or colored red, and wearing scarlet masks. They all bow to me and the Queen, stepping out of our ways.

Now this I could get used to. And it’s going to last the rest of today and all of tonight? That coupled with what I was told was being provided, I finally feel absolutely happy about my not needing to sleep at all.

“Now, I received word that there’s some kind of prisoners in the castle. I haven’t been told why, I figure they could make a decent stew between them, or perhaps something else would be a better recipe. Have you any suggestions? A decent centerpiece for the feast would be lovely, and I normally don’t have anything to give me good suggestions.”

I think for a moment before my memory passes back to one special meal I had a long time ago at a special event. “A pig. A whole pig, cooked on a spit to the point that the meat falls off with but a touch and melts in your mouth like chocolate.”

“That sounds delicious~! I’m sure the little pink one would make an excellent substitute for a pig!” The Queen says, clapping her hands delightedly as my brain stalls on the meaning of her response.

Little pink one could mean anything, but I get the feeling that she means Pinkie, as it’s likely that the prisoners are the ponies I came here with. “Ah, if you can’t get a real pig I’d settle for a wild boar... I’d rather you don’t serve my friends. I’d also like the prisoners released into... uh, my custody. They may participate in the feast.”

“Oh, piffle... fine, be that way.” She says, waving her hand absently. A pair of wings, built like the tendril-things on her pony form reach up, twisting into hands and snapping their ‘fingers’ as we enter the feasting hall, the three ponies and the vase containing the Hatter all appear on chairs around the massive table.

And really, the table is big enough to easily seat three or four hundred beings, and the vaulted ceiling is big enough that the roof isn’t visible, shrouded in darkness from being too far from the light sources a ‘mere’ fifteen feet up. I take a look at the current ‘spread’ and see a boar, which must’ve been big enough to get mistaken for a VW Bus before its legs came off, an apple big around as a hubcap in its mouth sitting in the center of the table, smaller pigs further down the line. The center of said table has a notable bit of extra width to it, with space for a large, throne-like seat, and a smaller one beside it, presumably for me. There’s also bowls big enough to swim in heaped with mounds and mounds of mashed potatoes, cheese covered somethings, dumplings in stew pots, and even vegetarian options, such as bowls of roses, marinara-covered pasta bowls, piles of sandwiches of numerous designs and toppings, and everything from olive-based puddings to some sort of omelette made with onions and peppers and other things that I think are multi-colored mushrooms. There’s bread of all kinds, stacks of fried veggies, three different types of soup (all reds) and shish kebabs adorned with a bewildering array of edible items. And judging by the lack of dessert items (that pudding looks bready) this is only the first course.

I grin widely at the ponies who are slack-jawed, and even Cadence, a princess with likely access to pretty extravagant meals, is looking bowled over. I saunter into the room and take my seat in the slightly smaller throne and go to fill up a plate. A servant steps over and scoops whatever I point at onto a plate and sets it before me.

“Finally, something with absolutely no downsides.” I say as I gesture for the others to eat, though they stay stunned for a good long while.

Cadence is the first to recover, and follows suit, pointing with a wing and getting what she asks for, saying polite ‘thank you’s to each servant as they assist her, and Twilight recovers next. Pinkie finally picks her jaw off the floor and joins in, gathering up food to eat while she can.

It feels good to be the winner... I take a slice of the centerpiece and, as I asked for mere moments ago, it positively melts in my mouth.

It tastes... pretty good, though it’s not as I expected boar to taste. Either way it’s interesting. Very smoky flavor, and quite good.

Next I try the first soup, and that’s great too; it’s got a slightly meaty flavor I wasn’t expecting, but I don’t mind it too much. It certainly adds to the flavor.

As I eat, I see that the servants have entered, all wearing blank red masks with the eyes nothing but blank black holes in the masks, though the servants themselves are all quite attractive. More so, in fact, than I’d expect from ‘peasants’ in a royal setting. I’d expect at least one to have some amount of... imperfection to them. Thankfully, they aren’t all creepy perfect, but they’re pretty close.

“So.” I begin, addressing my friends. “Another part of this is that I was offered ‘pleasures from a dozen worlds’ and I figure that would be interesting to experience.”

“I hope it’s better than this. I mean, this is great and all but it tastes... Idunno. I’ve never had half of this stuff...” Pinkie trails off, unsure of how to continue.

I just shrug. “Neither have I but it’s pretty darn good.” I get a plate of whatever else is available. At this point I’m not really caring what I’m eating, it all tastes delicious but slightly off. Oh well, it’s still pretty good. “Maybe it’s because it was literally cooked and prepared in a matter of seconds.” I suggest.

Twilight looks it over, muttering something quietly as she tries one of the sandwiches, one with rose petals on it. “I will admit, this is quite good.”

“This is the treat of the first world; Terra. Dishes prepared from cultures all over the world, right here!” The Red Queen says, garnering applause and cheerful whooping from the courtiers that had settled in. Down the table, I see one grab a servant and kiss them, the servant not pulling away or refusing, but rather just moving on once the courtier is done.

Interesting... maybe that’s why they’re all pretty, they’re meant to be concubines as well... Either way, though. “So, if this is from different cultures of Terra, why have I never seen anyone in Ponyville or Canterlot making things like this? I get the whole ‘meat’ thing is taboo to unicorns, but I’d expect a pig or something from an Earth pony town like Ponyville.”

“Likely because they lack the insight to make the most of what they have available.” The Red Queen says haughtily.

“Actually, I do recognize this cooking style from a Griffon banquet I attended while learning diplomacy.” Cadence volunteers.

“And these sandwiches are just like the ones back in Ponyville; well, they don’t taste quite right, but very close.” Twilight says. “I think it’s something to do with the way the roses are grown.”

I nod. “Well if I can get half this stuff from a Griffon city, I wouldn’t mind visiting one in the future. Given both birds and wildcats are carnivorous it makes sense a lot of meat dishes would be theirs.”

“Well, maybe not a boar that big...” Twilight says, an inquisitive tone in her voice. “Where did this come from exactly? The only types of creature this big would have to come from either an undiscovered part of Terra or somewhere else.”

“Oh, we made them here.” Red says, before reaching out with a hand and grabbing a fistful of meat, eating it surprisingly delicately for having snagged a chunk the size of my own liver. And, actually, I just realized that she’s much taller than I am. Like, nine, ten feet tall.

“Well, if this is supposed to represent Terra... as extravagant as this meal is, several things here do come from Terra yes, but at different sizes. The boar is the best example as I stated before.”

“Twilight, don’t complain. Tonight we get to eat like disgustingly rich people with absolutely no drawbacks except possibly a stomachache from eating too much. Don’t ruin this for me, alright?” I insist, shaking a fork her way as I spear a chunk of omelette with it.

“I’m just saying, it’s a bit of an exaggerated representation. I could offer some encyclopedias another time to help you make it more accurate if you’d like.”

The Red Queen turns slowly toward Twilight, and her glare is hard and unforgiving. “Are you criticizing my hospitality?”

“N-no! It’s, uhm, entirely alright.” Twilight says, ducking in her seat, and Red’s gaze returns to the haughty, pleased expression she has normally.

“There, there. It’s no trouble at all! And besides, you apologized. And that’s what’s important. Now, on to the desserts, a treat from a new world!” She says, even though almost nobody seems finished with their food. She snaps her fingers above her head, and the entire feast literally melts into a blood-like mess before evaporating away, the crimson fog revealing a massive feast, this time of an almost uncountable number of different dishes, ranging from what is clearly ice cream to some things that appear to be flowers, crystalline and bright. Another appears to be a live crab, but with only three legs set up like a tripod, and four claws, and the whole thing is placidly sitting in a large bowl of water, which is boiling around the crab to no apparent effect.

I sample some ice cream first and it is both familiar and not. The texture is similar to sherbet, but the flavor is very foreign. “And what world is this a ‘pleasure’ of?” I ask, taking more of the ice cream. It’s different, but also very good.

“Mmm, four worlds, technically, but I’m lumping it in a one. It’s from a galaxy far and far away, that hasn’t existed in a long, long time.” I eye the crab and think about traps for a moment. I decide against trying the crab, but I figure everything else is free game. Continuing on I discover tastes so new and delicious that my usually insatiable sweet tooth is content with what I’ve eaten.

“Okay, that was fulfilling in more ways than one.” I say and the others agree with me, especially Pinkie who finally got to eat as many sweets as she could handle. Given her odd physical nature I half expected her to just sort of swell up, but she doesn’t even do that. I swear that pony could out-eat a bear.

The Red Queen makes a gesture and the food melts and dissolves like the main course. “Now we move on to the next pleasure, crossing eight worlds in and of itself: a dance with participants from every world Wunderland borders!” The Queen says, grinning widely, as the table breaks apart and flies to the edges of the room in pieces, becoming a series of smaller tables laden with drinks and small snacks,meant for refreshment after activity rather than an actual meal. Every one of the courtiers all rise together and immediately pair off, with no real regards to gender or species. This leaves Cadence, Twilight, Pinkie, the Queen and myself without partners, and four figures approach, also each without a partner. There’s a pony, a humanoid, a tall, willowy figure who, while humanoid, doesn’t quite seem right. There’s a canid fellow on all fours, with red-dyed fur and a fine bow-tie. I pick the humanoid as it would be the easiest for me to dance with.

The humanoid is, at least, female, though I can’t tell much more thanks to the bird-like red mask she’s wearing, and she seems to know how to do the fancy dance better than I, so I mostly follow her lead. Cadence takes the canid, saying he looks adorable, and Pinkie selecting the pony. That leaves Twilight, Red, and the weird tall figure.

The ridiculously tall figure steps forward to dance with Twilight, who looks nervous. I swear I’ve seen that tall thing somewhere, but I’m not placing it. Ah well, he doesn’t seem dangerous. The Queen seems content to grab a servant and begin dragging them towards the center of the dance floor.

“So what’s your name?” I ask my partner. I’m only half expecting a response I can understand, but still, it’s conversation.

“I am Duchess of Roses.” She answers, without any inflection in her voice.

“Interesting. And what’s with the mask? Surely a Duchess doesn’t need to hide her face...?”

“We who are the Queen’s have no faces, that we do not risk being anything more than her. To do so would be...” I can tell she’s thinking of a word, not merely stopping. “Disrespectful.” Is what she decides on.

“Odd.” I reply but don’t press any further. I don’t understand much about royalty in Wunderland and I suppose having a face in a world where facial features are entirely optional is... sort of disrespectful in a way if you are below someone. Not that I’d order anything creepy like that.

“Do you find me pleasant?” The woman asks some ten minutes of dancing later. “I ask because the Queen has given you the rights of her right hand for the evening.” There’s something off about her phrasing. One, the implications are... not what I’d hoped for from Wunderland, and two the cadence of her words is off, and has been from the beginning.

“Well, you are nice. Not perfect, who is after all, but you don’t need to be perfect. Although I must ask. What sort of rights does her right hand have?”

“Any except to countermand her.” The Duchess replies.

“I can live with that.” I reply, giving her a smile and continuing the dance. A few dirty thoughts cross my mind, thinking about what I could do with that kind of power for a whole night. I shake them off though. I might make a request, but I wouldn’t force anything on anyone. It’s just been a pretty long time is all.

After a while the dancing is over and I’m ready for the next world’s pleasure.

I find myself near the center of the room as the Queen makes her next grand gesture, snapping her fingers again. The Duchess stands next to me as the Queen’s command makes the dining hall become a large, square area with a central ring-shaped area. “Now, we will move on to the next great entertainment; a battle between combatants! My dear Knave will fight any of you I choose, and any who can defeat him will be rewarded. And for each enemy he finishes off, I will give him a reward after the fight. This is fun!” The Queen says, and I feel myself slide along the floor into the circle. “Now, choose your first opponent!” She says to me, grinning a little too broadly.

I look around at my options. There’s dozens of courtiers and servants, the girls, the Queen herself... and the Courtiers and Servants range from humanoid to a slug-looking being with spikes running down its back. I decide to start with the most creature-like beings and figure that the slug is the slowest of them all and will be a relatively easy fight. I select that one to begin with.

The slug surges forward, putting that ‘slowest’ theory in its grave, and I dodge, as the slime it exudes begins to make the stony floor hiss and sink, evidently quite acidic. The slug turns its upper body towards me and purses its... mouth? I think that’s a mouth. It purses that and spits acid at me, forcing me to dodge again. I decide I’ve got to play this carefully and turn intangible and run straight for the slug, swinging flaming arms through its body. The slug recoils and squirts more acid around, the material phasing through me. However, it begins to shriek as it shrivels, and it begins to try retreating from me.

A quick decision to switch to electricity ends the slug as I charge several hundred amperes into the creature.

It shrieks again, then expires, collapsing sideways. I look around, adrenaline pumping, and see that the acid squirts weren’t kept within the circle, a couple of servants and courtiers down on the ground, dead from having vital organs melted away. Nobody seems to be responding except for Twi, Cadence and Pinkie, and the Red Queen, whose grin has only gotten wider, her eyes more energized.

“So. That’s one more reward added to the pile. Any other takers?” I offer, presenting myself with open arms.

The Queen points at a random courtier, a human in a scarlet suit looking like it’s from the 1800s, who immediately charges into the ring, no weapons or anything, and tries punching me without a word.

Surprised at the bold, unarmed attack, I end up taking the punch to my cheek and it hurts my jaw quite a bit, so I retaliate with a punch of my own, this one to my attacker’s gut, followed by a punch in the eye.

The man goes reeling back at the punches, and I realize he has no combat training nor experience from the way he’s fighting. Feeling sorry for the man, I go for my vorpal blade, deciding to give him a quick and mostly-painless death. I have a feeling that I’m not exactly allowed to spare anyone here and it’s the least I could do for someone about to die anyways.

With the characteristic snicker-snack of its passage through the air, the man’s head falls free of his neck.

“Good, good! Now let’s see... you.” The queen points at Pinkie, who begins to slide towards the circle, in spite of having been sitting when she started and visibly fighting the movement as she goes, a terrified look on her face.

“Uh, no, I think that’s enough... You already owe me many more pleasures, and a very large favor on top of two more. I wouldn’t want to take all your gifts.” I say, already having lost my appetite from killing that man in cold blood. Faced with the suggestion that I’d have to kill Pinkie, I feel about ready to purge myself of the glorious meal from earlier.

“Hmm... I’m not sure, though. You should at least make sure it’s a nice, round three.” The Queen says, Pinkie looks switching between us with terror in her eyes.

I think for a moment and come up with a plan. I kneel down to Pinkie. “I have an idea, play along.”

I stand up and summon a pair of daggers from my satchel of coal, and get into a battle-ready stance. I’m gonna really have to sell this.

When the match starts I run up to Pinkie and whisper a quick “Don’t worry.” To her as I ‘stab’ her, the blades of the daggers disappearing as the weapons are telekinetically held to her sides. She looks confused for a moment before she gets the plan and slumps over as if I had drove a pair of knives into her.

Pinkie makes exaggerated ‘dying’ noises, and slumps over. The Queen, thankfully not catching on, nods. “Good. Now we have three more for tomorrow’s breakfast. I knew I’d get to find out how the pink one tastes eventually.” She says, smiling.

“Tastes?” I ask, highly disturbed. “You’re gonna eat them? That’s sick!”

“What? How so? And besides, you did earlier.” I suddenly think back to the vaguely meaty taste of... well... everything I’ve eaten so far at this castle. I’m suddenly starting to see why the White Queen said the Red is evil. “After all, waste not, want not. Life is a chance to enjoy whatever you want, after all, you just have to be... efficient.” She says.

“Okay, no.” I say, helping Pinkie up from the ground. “No.” I repeat. “That’s disgusting. I had no idea what I was eating, you didn’t say it was sapient creatures being eaten, that’s just messed up.” I plan to swallow a gallon of bleach to clear out my insides when I get home. You know, that would be interesting. I’m immune to most toxins thanks to my stellar physiology. Maybe I actually could drink bleach to clean myself out... Either way now is not the time for that.

“Well, you should have realized, you know. You have nothing to blame but yourself, Knave.” The Red Queen says, dismissively. She finally looks far enough down her nose to see Pinkie standing up. “Oh, it’s alive! It’ll be fresher in the morning this way, wonderful.”

I shake my head and point an accusing finger at her. “That’s it, sicko. You.”

The Queen waits a few moments. “Me what, precisely?”

I spark up again and make my demand, using my Absolute voice. .

The Queen laughs, stepping forward and snapping her fingers. I hear something make a noise like breaking wood in oatmeal, and I nearly black out from pain. Looking down, I see that my left leg is shattered, right in the femur, visible through the flesh and my pant leg.

I grit my teeth through the pain and draw the Vorpal Blade, the sword flying at her. Her hand comes up and she calmly snatches it out of the air, before simply crumpling it up and throwing it aside like a paper airplane caught by a ninja. “Such a darling toy, but not really my sort of thing. Now... apologize, and I will give you the favors I promised.” She says. I’m starting to see red, and not just because of the castle’s decor.

“I’m... sorry.” I say, my teeth being ground to nubs in pain and fury. I’m not sorry, but as it stands there’s nothing I can do about it right now. I need to wait until later when she doesn’t have omnipotence.

“There, see? Now you’re not as wrong as you were before. As my first favor, I forgive you for insulting me. My second favor is to forgive you for insulting me by thinking you could fight me. And third... I will mend your leg.” She reaches out, and meat liquefies from a courtier’s body, tuning into a bloody ball in the Queen’s grasp, which she then applies to my leg.

It’s almost as painful being fixed as it was getting broken in the first place.

I get up and test my ‘new’ leg once it’s done. It feels really really really weird having it be broken one moment and fixed the next, not to mention it still hurts like a bitch. Speaking of bitches... I return my gaze to the Red Queen.

“So, what are the rest of these ‘pleasures’? More slaughter of innocent sapient creatures for our mere amusement?”

“Of course not! Now, you choose whatever of my toys you want, and avail yourself of them. If you don’t like crowds, you may use a bedroom. The rest of use will be enjoying ourselves out here.” She says, gesturing at the hall, which is rearranging itself into something more cushioned for... well, I know exactly what they’re for, and I’ll leave it at that.

Pinkie and Twilight are hugging under the spread wings of Cadence, who looks angry and protective, and I look at the sea of people other than them, realizing there’s probably no real consent going to be involved for anyone I don’t rescue. But taking everyone ‘for myself’ would likely just result in the Queen inviting herself along.

I officially hate Wunderland, at long last. I just gotta think of something, outsmart her again. She’s brutal, but pretty stupid but not that stupid. Idea!

I approach the queen. “I would like a private room and... the three pony prisoners.”

The girls look very confused and, in Twilight’s case, disgusted.

“Oh, three at once! A good start, to be sure. Call for more when you’re ready.” The Queen says.

When my request is granted and the ponies and I are alone in a very... well-equipped room, I lock the door and sigh in relief, assured that we won’t be disturbed.

“You aren’t seriously going to do this with us are you?” Twilight asks, looking horrified and disgusted, the three of them backing up against a wall.

“No! Hell no!” The group lets out sighs of relief. “I got us out of there so you wouldn’t end up on the receiving end of anyone... dubious. I want us to talk gameplan. How we’re gonna get out of here.”

“Well, uhm, lack of anything to do tonight aside, that’s a good idea. Let’s get a planning party started, ponies! And human.” Pinkie says, pulling out a table covered in parchment and an inkpot and three quills... already on the table. Eh, I’ve seen weirder shit today.

“Yeah. So anyways I was thinking we need to stop this crazy queen, and soon, but she’s impossible to beat here.”

“And the chessboard won’t reset until noon tomorrow.” Pinkie volunteers. “Whichever Queen is in power has complete power as long as she’s still on castle grounds or the chessboard, but those border every part of Wunderland, so it’s not an actually useful escape method. Moving an inch either way on the way out can lead you to ending up anywhere.” When I give her an incredulous look about how she knows this, she shrugs. “Granny Pie mentioned she had to escape once, and she told me the story as a beddy-bye story.”

“Okay then... so wait, when the next game starts, she’ll be just another piece, right? She can be ‘taken’ then, right?”

“But if we join the game, we’d likely be on her side, the side of the Red Queen.” Twilight explains. “If that happened we wouldn’t be able to take her.”

I ponder for a bit. I take one of the quills and start writing down what we know. “We have to keep this going until noon tomorrow. And you guys are in serious danger until then. So we need to figure out a way to hide you away safely until the next game starts.”

“What if we were sent to the dungeons again?” Cadence asks. “Sure they weren’t very comfortable, but if you tell the queen that we are to be put there until the next game starts...”

“We’d be relatively safe there until the queen loses her power and we can’t be kept any more.” Twilight finishes.

“Alright.” I say, writing it down. “And I’d also have to stress that none of us end up as part of the game either so that we can all escape.”

“But what do we do about breakfast?” Pinkie asks. “Well, and the queen, but breakfast too.”

I sigh. “I’ll sneak you guys something before the night is over, something safe to eat. Probably something cheese or bread-based to reduce the chance of it once being alive.” Everyone nods in assent. “As for the queen, I-”

I’m cut off by the door being opened despite the lock I put on it and remember what I’m supposed to be doing here. I grab the nearest pony, Pinkie, and basically start shoving my tongue inside her mouth and the Queen asks if everything is to my ‘satisfaction’.

I pull my mouth away from Pinkies and stare at the Queen, hoping it was enough. “Uh, yeah, it’s great. Could you just, uh, leave?”

She grins. “Of course. I’m a little miffed you got first tastes, but I suppose I can let it slide. Would you like any more in here? I’m sure they’d be able to he~elp~” she sing-songs the last word.

“Uh, sure. I’ll send for someone when I’m... finished here.” I return to my game of tonsil-hockey with Pinkie and after a good minute or so the Queen leaves, closing the door. At the sound of the ‘click’ I pull away and take a deep breath, sighing in relief that it worked. “Okay, back to planning.”

Pinkie simply lays back on the floor. “Y-yeah, planning...” She says, not getting up yet.

Cadence is giving me the wiggly eyebrows of suggestion and I roll my eyes. “I’m just trying to make sure none of you get eaten, okay?”

“Well, depends on your definition of ‘eaten’, really.” Cadence says giving a sideways glance, Twilight lighting up like a Hanukkah Bush.

Pinkie giggles, her tail flopping across her chest where she can grab it to pull herself up with. I’m not going to question it. Eitherwhats, she’s grinning happily as she approaches the table.

“So my plan was that if she’s vulnerable as a piece, and if we aren’t pieces, then we can take her the usual way. Queens are positioned at back row, so we’d have a good opportunity to get behind her and take off her neck with one of our spare Vorpal Blades. Make sure she can’t do this kind of thing again.”

“Sure...” Pinkie half slurs. “Whatever you say.”

I roll my eyes, and turn to Twilight who is focusing much too hard on what has been written. “You know, I gave up a potential blowjob for saving you guys so start acting like adults and let’s get this done.”

“Yeah girls, that’s a big deal. In fact, I wasn’t in any real danger, and I’m missing out on an orgy. Shiny already gave me permission as long as I make sure to get pictures-” Twilight gives a startled ‘what?!’ That interrupts the princess, looking confused and blushing really hard. “Oh, don’t be a prude, Twilight, we have a healthy relationship that he says I’m allowed to bring others in on.”

“Considering we already know that the Queen is a crazy murderer-slash-cannibal I’m just making sure nobody here gets raped or eaten in the not-fun way, alright? Seriously, I could really use a chance to let off some steam right now, but I’m saving you from potential harm instead.”

“Well, you could blow off a little steam...” Pinkie says, tracing a circle on the table with her hoof, and Twilight just concentrates and scribbling up ideas with a heavy blush.

I pause to think about the offer. “You know what? Fine. The plan isn’t exactly being contested but nobody’s giving any better options either so... End of the planning.”

Twilight looks up. “But I’m trying to come up with plans!” She says, holding up a sheaf of papers, some of which include some weird options, and a few of which seem... plausible.

Cadence shakes her head. “Sorry, Anthony, I’m just trying to lighten the mood. There’s a time and a place though, and I am sorry.” She says, ears back.

I sigh. “No, I’m serious. I’m done. You three are going to the dungeon where you’ll be safe, and I’m going to get a relatively normal girl in here and... yeah.”

“You can’t interrupt the game.” Pinkie says, and I turn towards her. “If you try, it turns out... bad. Our best bet is to leave tonight, by asking the Queen to send us early. You have to do something that’ll get a favor from her though.”

“Why?” I ask. “She said she would send us to the gate in the morning. Why do I need a favor just to move it up?”

“Because if you wait until tomorrow, you won’t be able to stop her from taking me before the power runs out for her. I just don’t know how you’ll get a favor from her, so... I haven’t really been trying.” She says, sounding sad.

“But that doesn’t answer my question.” I say, “ Why would I need a favor from her just to get us sent home early?”

“Because otherwise, we have no idea where any of us will end up. And if we have to meet up, again, after traversing all of Wunderland, again, I don’t know how many of us will go home. I mean, if I leave, I can get back to Granny Pie’s pretty easy, but the rest of you...”

“Okay, I need a favor from her. Any idea how to do that?” Cadence thinks, while Twilight continues to scribble, and Pinkie continues to look forlorn. “Seriously, I can think of one, but it’s not going to be very fun.”

Cadence looks up. “What’s your idea?”

I hang my head and sigh, leaning back in the chair. “I could choose her to have sex with and I could figure out a way to please her enough to owe me a favor.”

Cadence blinks. “I think I might have a better chance of that. I mean... have you actually done anything like that yet, let alone with an nigh-omnipotent shapeshifting psychopath with no moral compass?”

“Point taken... and the slight insult is noted.” I glare at Cadence. “Alright then, what’s your ingenious plan to be owed a favor?”

“I only have a few pieces in mind so far, and I wasn’t insulting you. I’m the embodiment of Love, and there’s an awful lot of foreplay involved in that. Shining Armor knows that pretty well by now.” Twilight looks like she’s about to combust at the cheeks.

“So we’re stuck then.” I say, throwing my arms up. “Well it was nice knowing you all but if we really can’t get out of this mess then I guess it ends here!”

“Actually, I think I have a plan.” Twilight says, pushing forward a piece of parchment. “Here, if we use a precise series of shield spells, we can channel ourselves to to the point where we all leave the premises at the same point, and escape that way. No awkward orgies, no ponies as menu items, and we all end up in the same place. Now that I know there’s a Gate nearby, I can use the Compass to lead us directly there.” She says.

I decide to go with that plan, it’s the only one that’s fully thought out and all. “Okay, so we just leave? Like, right now?”

“Well, there’s a three hour tolerance, and I’ll need to go over the barrier specifics with Cadence. I know I have the precision for it, but we’ll need to test it a few times; she knows a more flexible barrier spell than I use, and I’ll need to learn it for this process, or we’ll be crushed alive between the planes of forces they form.”

“Okay, that’s bad.” I say. “But what do we do in the meantime? I don’t know how much longer I can stall the Queen.”

She blushes. “W-well, uhm... you did already have a plan, and, well... Pinkie would need to be kept occupied, too.” She says, stammering and blushing harder and harder as she speaks, looking anywhere but at me.

“Yeah, I get it. Alright, uh... so how are we gonna, you know, do this?” I’m then struck by an idea that would make this a whole lot less awkward. “Hey, can you turn Pinkie into a human again? Just for a little while?”

“Uh, yes. That would actually make the exit easier; I’d do it for Cadence and I, but then we wouldn’t be able to form the barriers. It’ll be easier if we maintain a bipedal posture.” She says. After a moment of waiting, she realizes the context. “Oh, yes, of course.” She then points her horn at me, then Pinkie, and within moments Pinkie is the nude, curvy girl I remember from before.

We only cuddle, but the smell of spilled flour and fresh bread is extremely relaxing. Of course, as usual, half my brain is complaining while the other half wants a bit more and it’s honestly really confusing. I end up getting more frustrated than before and it just... I groan out loud. “This isn’t working...”

Pinkie sighs, snuggled against me. “Sorry, Anthony... Oh, I know! I can give you a massage to help you relax, okay?” she suggests, looking up with a smile. “It’s basically the same with hooves and hands, right?”

“I... guess so. But I’m not as elastic as dough so this will be a bit different from kneading bread...” I warn her, unsure if she has any real experience doing anything more than that.

“I know. I’ve practiced, sorta, and Rarity says I’m passable! Which means really good by everypony else’s standards, usually.”

“Okay, uh... just... rule still applies. Hands above the waist.” I clarify. She’s a really, really cute girl, and I don’t want this to get any more conflicting.

She nods, and gestures for me to take off my shirt, which she promptly dons the moment it’s off of me, and rolls me over before sitting right on my butt.

This is just as distracting as her bouncing.

Jump to top

Chapter 36 Author's Note

I'll be honest, I had several different ways the scene of the massage could go, but after several attempts of various circumstances, I ended up cutting it entirely and skipping it. While it would make for a great bonding scene between Anthony and Pinkie Pie, the setting and in-story forcefulness of the scenario just felt wrong.

Chapter 36

Finally, we return to where Twilight and Cadence are working, and I’m significantly more relaxed... mostly. Some of me is still very tense.

“Okay... escape plan.” I say, addressing Twilight. “How is that shield trick going?”

She looks up, noting my present lack of a shirt. Choosing to explain instead of inquire, she says, “Well, Cadence and I are pretty sure you can simply stand between us, and you’ll be fine. Especially with, ah, what just happened helping bolster Cadence for now.” She what? We helped her? H-how?

Oh, right, Alicorn of love, that was probably like a Red Bull for her.

“So, anyways. Yeah. Mild touching happened. Let’s just get out of here before big red and psycho figures out we’re trying to get the hell out of here.”

“I have to agree. Where’s Pinkie?” she asks, and I turn around, having expected Pinkie to be there. Thankfully, our ensuing panic is short-lived, as Pinkie pronks in, still human, wearing my shirt as she steps forward.

“Alright, let’s go~!” she bounces in place a little, making the somewhat-tight shirt do some impressive stretching to avoid tearing in response. Gotta give it to Rarity; she really knows her fabric choices. Cadence nods and grins, looking perkier than normal.

She and Pinkie shoot each other conspiratorial looks to one another, as Twilight and the alicorn light their horns and prepare a set of angled barriers, Cadence up front, Pinkie bouncing in behind her, me and then Twilight behind them. And man has Pinkie got a nice rear- damnit it all! Hormones can burn in the fiery depths of Pittsburgh.

I’m never going to look at pony-her the same again either, am I?

Answers to universal quandaries aside, the four of us quickly move out of the hedge, Pinkie pointing over Cadence to where we need to get to, finding the addition of the pinpoint accuracy of fingers over hooves for pointing, as well as where they can put pressure- no, no, I’m not thinking of that. Anyways, we get out of the garden of horrifying crystal clusters of sharpness with as little distractions to anyone else beyond me as is possible.

“So now that we’re out of there, we’re just going to find the nearest Gate and get back home, right?”

“Yeah,” Twilight says. “But, uhm, maybe I should see about turning Pinkie back. She’s not wearing enough to cover her if we’re going through another forest.” She looks genuinely concerned, and gets ready to cast.

Pinkie hands me back my shirt and Twilight undoes the spell, Pinkie returning to a pony, but giving me a quick hug with her human arms before they turn to hooves. I admit, I do like her hugs a bit more when she can get her arms all the way around me. And not just because she’s even more padded up front.

Damnit.

Nearly an hour later, we’ve passed the same stump on the left of our trail for the fifth time, drawing a frustrated growl from me. Is it really too much to ask for Wunderland to at least let us travel in a straight line without spacetime warping around to drop us off at the same point over and over?

“Hey girls and Anthony, I think we’ve been walking in circles.” Pinkie says, pointing at the stump. “That looks like a good resting stump though.”

We all agree and go towards the stump when the stump agrees. “This is indeed a very comfy perch!” A squared, angular spiral forms mid-air, spiralling out from a single point on the side of a large, lounging cat in silver and green atop the stump. “It’s also my perch, but that wasn’t what you were talking about.”

I sigh. “Enough with the mind games. Can you do something, or stop doing something, and let us get back to the Lookinglass Gate?”

“Why yes, that I can.” the cat says, grinning more widely than its head ought to be able to hold.

I roll my eyes. “Would you?”

“Would I what?” the cat asks, and I grit my teeth to keep from growling, snarling, or otherwise snapping at the cat.

“Would you please help us get to a Lookinglass Gate that leads to Equestria?” I try.

“Absolutely!” I breath a sigh of relief. “... If you can answer a riddle...” Fuck.

Then again... I’m smart, Twilight’s smart, together we should figure it out. “Okay, fair enough. What’s the riddle?”

“...Each, actually,” the cat finishes. “The first will be easy, though. Why can’t a mare living in Neigh Orleans be buried in Chickago?”

I look at Twilight. “I don’t do pony culture stuff, you’re up.”

Pinkie giggles. “Silly, it’s ‘cuz she’s still alive, or the Chesire Cat wouldn’t have said ‘living’ in Neigh Orleans.” The cat nods in acceptance.

...it’s gonna be those kinds of riddles then. I sigh. “Okay, Pinkie gets a pass, three more. Next one?”

“What is lighter than a feather, yet none can hold it for an hour without magic?” the cat asks next. “And the pink one has answered once. The rest of you need to answer one, or it doesn’t count.”

I think for a while on that. Lighter than a feather... “Okay, pass. Twi, you’re up. What can only magic hold for an hour?”

Twilight thinks a moment. Then, her face lights up, and she shouts, “A breath!” she says, and the cat nods.

“Very good. The riddles will grow only harder, though. You throw away the outside, eat the inside, and then throw away the inside.”

I think for a moment. Let’s see, throw away the outside, so it has a shell or peel. Eat the inside then throw it away, no, eat the inside, and throw away the inside of that so it’s something with a pit or seed.

What has both a shell and a seed? Watermelons have seeds and rinds, but you can eat the seeds just fine. Same with pumpkins and cantaloupes so it’s not a melon or gourd... Chestnuts... no, they’re just deshelled and you can eat the rest. Then it dawns on me, something you peel off, eat then throw away.

Cadence perks up right before I can answer, and yells, “Corn on the cob!” and the cat nods. Wow, I was thinking of an avocado but in retrospective, you can still plant the pit.

“Final question, then, for you. ‘I bear a name, but never mine. None care about me in their prime. People cry at the sight of me, and will lay by me day and night. What am I?’”

A lot of things go through my mind. A baby, a plaque, a death certificate, and various other things, none of which fit all the criteria. Wait... hmmmm, but it doesn’t fit the last part. I decide to ask a question. “How many tries am I allowed before I fail?”

“You may answer incorrectly once. The second time and I will remove your heart and eat it. It looks shiny.”

“Uh... okay then.” I continue to ponder. It can’t be death, can it? Then another idea strikes me. “You said that my friends can’t answer, but you didn’t say they couldn’t help me by giving hints if they know the answer...” I inform the cat. It never setup any specific rules beforehand, and responds to my assertion by purring. Evidently it likes my observation skills.

Twilight, looks up. “W-well... it sounds like something related to death. I mean, nopony in their prime really thinks about that sort of thing unless they’re depressed or something. I’m not sure beyond that...”

So I’m close with my death assumption, according to Twilight. I look to Pinkie.

“Hmm... I don’t really know much about death, Anthony. It tends to be rather bad for parties, y’know.” she says with a shrug. “I mean, I think it might be related to something after death. I mean, not many ponies cry just thinking about death before it happens, right?”

I ponder that. “The afterlife perhaps, but that’s got a definite name. Several in fact, so it can’t bear a name that doesn’t belong to it.” I turn to Cadence. She’s my last bet. After consulting her, I’m alone on this.

Cadence thinks long and hard throughout the discussion, before tentatively speaking up. “Well... mausoleums often bear family names, but that could be considered their name too. A death certificate would too, but unless there’s an awful lot of sleepy clerks in the filing office... Uhm... maybe a wake? No, that doesn’t have a name either way, except as an action...” she looks unsure.

I ponder her thoughts as I try to come up with plans. It sounds like a lot of things, but none of them fit every criteria. I decide to give my best idea. “Is it... a nightmare?”

The cat shakes its head. “No. Your friends were... much closer than that.” The cat rolls over. “Here, let me up the stakes a little... if you get the answer right, I’ll even guarantee you passage back to Equestria, and safety all the way to the other side... or if you fail the next one, I’ll kill your friends, as well.”

“What kind of bargain is that!? No deal, we’ll just take directions, I’m not letting you kill anyone!”

“Then get the answer right, of course~! It’s a simple thing, really. And besides, as a little bit of a free tip... the nearest Lookinglass Gate doesn’t exit into Equestria’s borders.”

So we can’t use Twi’s spell to get back anyways... We need the cat. Fuck.

“Alright... then may I get a hint about the answer to the riddle?” I ask, and the cat nods.

“But only one. Your friends were right; it is connected to death, and is an object, not an event, a person, or a place.”

“That’s not a good hint! I was already guessing objects for the most part!”

“And? What does that have to do with whether the hint was accurate?”

“Fine you smug little furball.” I turn to my friends. “Okay, lives are on the line now, we gotta think hard.”

Twilight, going over a small sheaf of papers with a quill, and Pinkie looks pensive. “Well, Anthony, I think if we were close the first time, it must’ve been something one of us said that was close. What did we say again?”

In response to Pinkie’s question, Twilight rattles off, “Mausoleums, death certificates, wakes. Mausoleums were ruled out for having their own names, death certificates for not having anypony lying near them day and night, and wakes for not usually being named, and being an event, which has been ruled out.” Huh, she must’ve been writing them down this whole time.

“Okay, so what’s related to death and has a name but not its own? Let’s cover that one first because it’s the most confusing?” I throw out.

“Alright, as a list of things that fit that criteria, then cemeteries, small mausoleums, death certificates, grave markers of varying kinds and caskets are all possibilities.” Twilight says.

I look to Pinkie and Cadence. “Any other suggestions?”

Cadence thinks a moment. “Well... wait, ‘by’ can include merely ‘nearby’. So maybe... hmm, I think a casket would be lying ‘within’, and cemeteries are either named for location or not given any name at all... Mausoleums are places...”

What kind of grave markers are there? There are crosses, little statues, long-lived plants, sometimes shrines, gravestones, various sorts of signposts...

These are all things that a griever would lay by, and I can’t think of anyone who’d care much about any of them while they’re perfectly alive. Knowing the cat, I probably have to be more specific than just ‘grave markers’. Well, the crosses, shrines, gravestones and signposts all have writing on them, usually the name of who’s buried there. But the shrines and religious ones would matter to whoever follows that religion even during the prime of their life. Same with a tree, because people like trees. That leaves gravestones and signposts... wait, someone would still use a signpost for directions anyday. That leaves gravestones, assuming I haven’t forgotten any.

“Gravestone.” I say to the cat, bracing for the result of a bad answer.

The feline gets up, and pads towards me, revealing it comes up to my waist, and a paw the size of my hand comes up... to pat me on the stomach. “Very good! Also, never call me ‘furball’ again, or the ‘eating your shiny heart’ option goes back under the table.” The cat begins to walk down the path. “Don’t waste time, off we go~!” The cat sounds quite chipper, and is moving happily down the dirt path, and we all warily follow it. I don’t know about the girls, but my heart is pounding from adrenaline.

Nevertheless, we are indeed granted safe passage through a Lookinglass Gate, nothing stopping us to challenge or otherwise impede us, for once allowing us to take in the scenery of Wunderland without any actual worry. I can... kind of see how a naive young girl could see this as a happy place honestly, the only thing telling me otherwise is my past experience and common sense.

As I’m walking, I see something flickering through the trees not that far from me. At first I’m confused, but then I realize it’s a human shape in a blue and white dress.

Speaking of Alice, holy crap. I’m about to point her out to the ponies when I recall that Alice was the one thing that was missing from all the Wunderland books. That means... We’re leaving right as Alice is having her ‘whimsical adventure’ that almost ends with her being killed.

The ‘big brother’ instinct I’d acquired from dealing with the Crusaders urges me to do something. I turn to the ponies. “Hey, you guys go ahead. I’ve gotta deal with something real quick.”

I turn towards Alice, seeing her stop at a cross in a road that’s blurry to me, where a different Chesire Cat lounges in the crossbranches.

I head for the bushes nearby and opt to stay hidden for now and show myself when Alice starts getting in over her head..

Before I get into position, the Cat watching Alice, in the purple and blue stripes, says something. “Don’t worry, child, there’s nothing to fear here. At least, not for you. Now if only you’d remember this all afterwards... no worries! Now if you aren’t going anywhere, then any road will take you there, now won’t it?”

I roll my eyes. At least this time I’m here to help Alice with whatever is going to happen to her. Given what I’ve seen, there’s probably some things that Lewis left out.

Before I can follow as Alice steps into a third path previously unseen between the other two, I feel a set of sharp, sharp claws catch hold of the back of my shirt, just barely not digging into me. “Now now, I promised to guide you out safely, and into Equestria... and you’ve already played the part in aiding the Dreamer anyways.” the Cat says.

“And how, pray tell, have I helped Alice when I only just now see her?”

“Oh, the Dreamer has always been here. And right now, almost all of the Queens’ forces are out looking for you and your friends, instead of standing lethally on guard around the Chess Board. The Hatter, for once, has remembered to arrive on time for a prophecy. You also made sure the Caterpillars are paying attention for once. And you mustn’t mess up another’s dream; it’s quite rude.”

“I’ve been called rude before, and worse. I don’t think it’s rude to help a little girl deal with a horrible dream. Alice is just a freaking kid. I’m gonna help her when she needs it.”

“And that will likely get her killed. She’s safe on her adventure, that much was guaranteed. But if you make it your story, of ‘saving’ her...” the Cat lets the comment trail off.

“Yeah, I’ve read the books and seen several different movies. Sure she comes out alive, but it’s also a rather traumatic experience. I grew up the way I did from less than what she’s going to go through.”

“Gone through, actually. The Dreamer has already passed. And will begin her journey eventually. Wunderland’s time doesn’t go in lines, Anthony. It goes in circles; that is why clocks are round.”

“Very funny. Except it’s not. And here’s a thought: fuck you, I do what I want. If you know me enough to know my name, you already know me well enough to figure out I’m not one to be talked down. I’m going to help a defenseless little girl get through this shithole of a nightmare whether you natives like it or not.”

“Oh, we do like it. Hence why I’m not arguing that you haven’t already helped her. In fact, I’m quite sure I said just the opposite previously.”

“Well I don’t care how much you think I’ve helped, what I care about is how much I think I’ve helped, and if you ask me, I haven’t started.” I look up to the trail that Alice had taken. Which is gone. Fuck. “I hate you guys. So much.”

The cat just grins. “You really should work on that whole ‘statue’ imitation you do when you’re talking. Either way, though, the Dreamer has already begun to flee Wunderland.” As the cat speaks, a strange ripple of distortion flows across the landscape, and the cat is suddenly much smaller - the size of a large cat, in fact, rather than leopard sized. It doesn’t seem to notice... and the trees and the like have all become much friendlier looking. Less ominous, in fact.

“Yeah, right. I know for a fact that her meeting the Cheshire Cat is practically the beginning of her troubles. I’m going to find her, and you aren’t going to stop me.” I head for where the forked trail was, but just end up tromping through knee-high undergrowth. “Oh, yeah, everything’s just peachy-keen around here, now, huh?”

“Oh, quite! It does help that time is quite relative here. In fact, if we went back to your friends now, they won’t have even noticed you leaving yet.”

“Tell you what... you get to make another riddle. If I guess correctly, then you take me to Alice after leading my friends back to Equestria.” I bargain.

“Hmmmm... no deal.” The cat says, stretcching in place.

“Oka- wait what? No? But... You’re a cheshire cat! Riddles are like tiny orgasms for you or some shit! Come on, is Alice really that untouchable to you?”

“Well, as she’s already left Wunderland at this point... yes.” the Cat replies. “Now, are we going to get back to the deal we already made? Any longer and your friends will see that we’ve vanished, and assume the worst.”

I still don’t believe that Alice is safely back at home, no way it could happen that fast. But... “Fine, but if I ever come back here and Alice is coming by for her second trip, all bets are off and I’m doing something, got it?” I eye the cat sternly.

“Oh Anthony... Don’t you know? The Wunderland you know of will soon be replaced by the one the Dreamer has dreamt. You’ll never come back to this one.” The cat says, padding into the undergrowth and returning to its full size as it moves into a part of the wood not... ‘disneyfied’.

“Yeah... I don’t trust you any farther than I can throw you, and current mass would indicate that’s hardly far at all, so... Yeah, when I come back, I’m helping out Alice. If I find you or anyone else fucking with her, I’m gonna kill them. Pass that along.” I say, tromping back to where I came from, towards Pinkie and the others.

None of them seem to have noticed I was gone, and are still in the middle of the conversation I left them on.

Leaving without being able to offer help to save innocent girl who likely needs help makes my inner ‘hero’ kick me in the face metaphorically, leaving a sour note in my head, I just feel shitty in general.

Likely due to my bad temper, I don’t really notice the journey to the Gate, which is a big pond of pure mercury, with a bright, reflective surface that shows somewhere else entirely. A ledge overtop it is the perfect jumping-off point, or would if the scene on the other side weren’t a rocky, purple-stained expanse.

I peer over the edge of the ‘leaping rock’, as that’s where the Cat led us up to. “Okay, that’s not Canterlot.” I say, “You take us to Equestria like you said you would, and don’t pull anything else.”

“I wouldn’t dream of steering you wrong, or pulling anything!” the Cat says.

Then, the furry dickwaffle pushes me off the edge to fall into the portal.

Jump to top

Back From Wunderland

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Jump to top

Chapter 38

After all is said and done, I can only think of one thing to say to Pinkie. “I need a drink.”

“Well, what did you have in mind?” She asks, snuggling into me, fur brushing against me.

“Something... hard. I mean, ever since things started going sour in Wunderland, I feel like I need a metaphorical kick in the head.”

“Idunno, that doesn’t sound so good... but a stiff drink does.” Pinkie says. “I wouldn’t mind one or two... especially the Mago Slushies at the Frothy Mug.”

“Yeah, haven’t stopped by there since I cashed in that favor and got that special every-flavor drink.” I begin climbing down the tree, Pinkie holding onto my back. I admit, being descended from apes makes tree-climbing easier than descendants of horses. After a bit of wandering we get to the bar. Speaking of... “This isn’t the only bar in town, is it?” I continue the thought after sitting down at the bar. “I haven’t seen any others at least.”

“Well, there’s the Winking Geezer, but I think that’s a pub, not a bar.” Pinkie says, tapping her chin with a hoof, Stoic coming over to us.

I ponder what to have. Something tart but overall sweet still. I recall one drink I liked to order. Granted I only had it twice before coming here. “Let’s see. The actual name won’t make sense but uh, it’s... what was it... cherry vodka, amaretto, and lemonade? Yeah, that sounds right.”

Stoic thinks it over, then nods, wings snapping out to reach for ingredients and pull them up, And Pinkie calls over to him, “We’ll put ‘em both on my tab, okay?” and receives a nod in response, Stoic sliding over two drinks, one in front of me and one for Pinkie.

Mine looks about right, while Pinkie’s is a bright pink and yellow, and appears to be some form of slurpee.

I notice that Pinkie didn’t even place an order... must be something she orders often enough that it’s expected. I take a long drink from my glass an- oooooooooh yeah, that’s it, that’s a Deadpool’s Fourth Wall. Only missing one thing. Or rather two things but still... I can live without them for now, not gonna let this bit of nostalgia get away. I sigh happily at the sweet but definitely alcoholic drink. I take a lighter sip and lean back a bit. Only one thing missing now, a burger made out of a beef patty, cheese and frizzled onion shavings.

Pinkie downs her entire drink in one go, shouting something in a language I don’t recognize, before cheerfully grabbing a second drink to sip at more slowly.

I figure with my star core running detox for me I could do the same, but I’d rather just enjoy this drink in its entirety. Taking my second sip I swallow slowly, savoring the aftertaste of proper lemonade and vodka. The taste leaves too early but I set the drink down for now. “Yup.”

I see Berry come up from the basement area, and she smiles when she sees me. “Oh, hello Anthony! Here to celebrate? Or for other reasons?” she asks.

“Eh, haven’t been around in a while, figured I’d stop by somewhere. Wunderland was... a wonder alright.”

“Oh, you went to Wunderland? I’ve always heard it’s really scary there. Was it?” she asks.

“At times, but mostly it was frustrating. Had to outdrink a Jabberwocky to avoid getting eaten, true story.” I say, rolling my eyes at the memory.

“W-wow! That’s, uhm... wow...” she seems at a loss for words, and I’m honestly unable to tell if it’s because she doesn’t believe me, or believes me and is terrified at the thought.

Well, if she doesn’t believe, Pinkie can vouch for me. “And there was a fiasco with the chessboard, more sentient-creature eating involved there too. From what I read, Wunderland was violent, sure but... eh, I’m glad to be back. Did snag some souvenirs though.”

“Oh? Such as?” she asks, mixing up a drink as she talks.

I take another sip. “Got attacked by Jub Jub birds. Took ‘em out with a bit of difficulty but snagged a few feathers. Twilight says they’re hard to get so... kept ‘em.”

“Oh, yes! Of course, I’ve heard Jub Jub birds are like the chickens of Wunderland, and that some folks farm ‘em.”

“Speaking of people who farm them, Pinkie’s grandma was... instrumental in our troubles.”

“Oh? Pinkie, you’ve never mentioned much about your grandmother. Does she live in Wunderland?” Berry asks.

“Oh, yes! Granny Pie’s lived there for ages and ages, and while she did kinda make things harder for us, she was just doing it kinda because she’s a powerful trickster, but also because we said we were looking for an adventure and she hates disappointing me and so she sent us on an adventure.” she says, drinking her beverage as she speaks.

“If ‘adventure’ means ‘have us nearly die or get stuck forever’ as an adventure then yeah. So, how’re the rugrats?” I ask, changing the subject.

“Oh, the girls are doing quite well, though I’m sorry to hear about you nearly dying. That’s pretty harrowing. Explains why you’re in here though.”

“Yeah well, a few more of these...” I point out a cut under my shirt that hasn’t fully healed yet. “And I’d probably be somewhere else. But enough about me, how’ve things been while I was gone?”

“Well... quiet, really. I don’t mean to say you’re a trouble magnet or anything, I actually suspect it was, well... Twilight being gone that made it so quiet. I don’t mind the hubbub and the like, but I swear things were never so interesting before Twilight.”

“She’s special, I’ll say that.” I say, taking another drink. “Comes in handy, too.”

“Oh yes, she’s a big help around town, but I’ve never seen so many monster attacks, random things invading, or half as many things once considered hokey religion or old mare’s tales as I have since she came to town. Love the gal to death, she’s an excellent librarian, but I’m certain she’s the focus of the problems that come for Ponyville.”

“Y’know... I am her friend...” Pinkie says, looking at Berry. “I’m also... a little tipsy actually.” she says, looking at the... holy shit, she’s gone through a dozen of those things already?

“Shit, Pinks, pace yourself.” I say, turning to Berry. “As for Twi being a trouble magnet, yeah, I can see that, but she’s not that bad. As much of a pain in my neck as she can be... I like being able to talk to someone about science stuff and the like.”

“Oh, I can understand. There’s not many ponies around I can talk to about brewing or mixing besides my husband... and who really wants to talk shop in bed, right?” she says, eyeing Pinkie, who is now leaning companionably on my arm, beaming broadly.

“Twi also inadvertently helped me relax.” I turn my next statement to Pinkie. “And if you want another go, I’m still holding that no-fur restriction.”

“We’ll get more drinks in you and visit Twilight.” Pinkie says, giggling.

“Or you can keep your hands to yourself.”

“Only if you’re not~!” Pinkie sings songs.

I grip the bridge of my nose, and sigh. I figure since Berry isn’t shocked at how much Pinkie’s drank that this is a normal occurrence. “So, you got any idea how we sober her up? It’s a bit early in the day for me to deal with a drunk super-energetic pony.”

“Give her an hour; She’s burned off more than that in less time before.” Berry says. “And either way, she’s still easy to corral by introducing foals into the mix.”

I think about that. “Probably not in this current mix. Never seen her like this, honestly. Close, but she’s a little more... loose now.”

“She... gets like that at times. Then she drinks, then she sobers up, and gets better.” Berry says with a shrug. Evidently it’s normal for Pinkie, but that does sound the slightest bit worrisome. “So, what do while we wait?”

“Order another drink?” Pinkie suggests, wavering a bit. I sigh.

“If I can outdrink a reality-warping being I have a feeling it’s not gonna be easy for me to get drunk unless I’m trying to.” I point out. I turn back to Berry. “Though you’ve probably got some magic drink that can get me flat on my rear in a second but-”

“Oh, I have one better; there’s a few herbs meant for lowering someone’s magical defenses against alcohol. Normally, I wouldn’t even offer, but with your metabolism...”

I shrug. “Maybe. ‘Star Core’ probably outclasses your standard unicorn. Anyways, We should get out of here before Pinkie gets more than halfway into the metaphorical bottle.”

“Oh, fine... I’ll bring in the full tab on Monday!” Pinkie says chipperly. Stoic and Berry nod, and I lead Pinkie out. She’s weaving more than a grandmother in need of a blanket.

“Well, come on, might as well get you home.” I say, herding Pinkie towards Sugarcube Corner. It goes fairly well, though Pinkie does manage to trip... which makes little sense for a quadruped but it happens apparently.

A short while later we walk in the door of the bakery, myself ducking and barely missing hitting my head on a bell that proceeds to ding and announces our arrival.

“Oh, Pinkie! You’re back!” Mrs. Cake says from behind the counter, and Pinkie smiles up to her.

“Yeah, don’t know what the occasion was but apparently she decided that now was the time to drink until she can’t tell left from right.” I say apologetically.

“Oh, that’s alright. She does this from time to time, but she’s always better for it in the end. Oh, you two might want to sit down off to the side; the school day’s over, and there’s about be a bit of a tidal flow.” The matronly businessmare giggles to herself as she braces for the incoming invasion of her workplace.

“Kids come here for more than parties, I take it.” I say, finding a table and setting Pinkie down before seating myself. She is either totally immune to hangovers, or does not fear the one she’ll have here soon.

“Well, we do serve milkshakes, cookies, and other treats, Anthony. In fact, after the rush, you should get a milkshake for yourself and Pinkie, they’re great for sharing!” she says.

I nod. “Yeah, honestly I understand the whole ‘school’s out, let’s go get sweets’ deal but I was never the one who did anything but just head home after school. No money and never anything else to do.”

“Well, have this one on the house, then. Pinkie doesn’t get to go on enough dates anyways.” Before I can correct Mrs. Cake, the door opens wide and a flood of multicolored little ponies spills into the restaurant.

Of course the counter is swarmed by the children and Bits are piled onto the counter as all orders are shouted at the same time. How Mrs. Cake manages to smile and nod, taking in all of this is lost on me.

The children eventually almost all leave, Pinkie draping herself over my arm and acting generally snuggly, until four of the ponies split off from the departing group. I note that it’s the CMC and Noi, who’s also wearing a cape, the uniform of the little organization. They greet me, apparently having missed me during my vacation. I point out Noi’s cape. “Got into the club huh? What’s the initiation?”

“Sorry.” Applebloom says. “Top secret.”

I roll my eyes. “Well as long as you aren’t making the new kids eat bugs or anything I guess that’s fine.”

“Ew, why would we make somepony eat a bug?” Sweetie asks, making a disgusted face.

I shrug. “There are all kinds of weird initiation rituals for human groups. A more infamous one is the spanking machine.”

The group of four all look a bit worried but eventually shake their heads. “Nah we wouldn’t do that... that’s just mean.”

“Depends on if you don’t like spankings...” Pinkie says, slurring a bit.

“Who’d like to be spanked?” Scootaloo asks first, very confused. The look on her face is adorable.

I shake my head. “Don’t mind Pinkie, she had a bit too much ‘celebration’ for her to handle.” I say, even as Pinkie mutters that she wouldn’t mind, and mumbles a few other names as well, though I thankfully can’t hear who else is with her in this.

“Pinkie not handlin’ a celebration? Musta been some party!” Applebloom says, sounding awed.

“More like a lot of drinks.” I say, sighing. “Not sure why some people enjoy being drunk. Anyways, how’s the crusading been going? Anyone get their mark yet?”

A resounding, sad, ‘Noo...’ is their response, and it’s horrible coming from four dejected little faces.

Pinkie, even while drunk, can’t deny her calling and offers our milkshake to them. I wasn’t in the mood for one anyways so it works out fine.

I shrug. “Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Think of it this way, out of all the things you’ve tried, you’ve made the list of things you haven’t tried even smaller, thereby putting you closer to getting your Cutie Marks.” I say and they look up at this, and the milkshake. “No day is wasted as long as it’s spent doing what you want.”

“Miss Cheerilee says kinda the same thing, but... I don’t really get it.” Scootaloo says. “I mean, we didn’t get what we wanted, so doesn’t that mean today is a waste?”

I frown. “And nobody’s going to get their Cutie Mark in being a quitter either, so you might as well keep going, right?”

Part of me doesn’t want the kids to grow up too fast lest they end up like me or worse, and considering the cutie mark is apparently the ultimate symbol of adulthood or some sort of adolescent benchmark, I have a feeling the desire to have a cutie mark is mostly fueled by a desire to be older and not treated like kids. Or they just want tattoos before their legal age to get them. Either or. The four look more hopeful, Scootaloo yelling ‘Yeah!’.

“Hey, Anthony, maybe you want to help us come up with ideas? I mean, it looks like you’re helping Pinkie, so you don’t have to come with, but we can totally work on ideas for tomorrow and alter today!”

“Have you tried...” I try to come up with some feasible activity they can do that’s mostly harmless. “Being news reporters?”

“Yeah...”

Really? Huh, okay... “How about-” Suddenly I’m struck by an idea, something I haven’t seen in ages even on Earth. “Ever ran a lemonade stand?”

The four look back and forth between them. “We’ve... never done that yet. This is perfect!” Sweetie Belle yells happily, and the four little ponies all cheer and shout, before running outside, with so much enthusiasm it brings a smile to my face. Even if they don’t get their marks, they’ll get some money so that might get their attention. Can’t think of a kid alive who couldn’t benefit from a little extra pocket change.

“So what now?” I ask, not sure myself if it’s aimed at the still-tipsy Pinkie or Mrs. Cake.

“We’ve still gotta milkshake...” Pinkie says, pulling over the shake, which the kids hadn’t had the chance to get into yet. “Share?” she asks, leaning her head back against me to smile up at me.

“...Sure.”

We end up splitting the thing and between us it’s gone in almost two minutes. I sigh and lean back. “Alright, I’m gonna go sleep in my own bed for a while. I could use a good rest after our ‘vacation’.”

“... Can I come with you?” she asks, looking at me.

“You’ve already had your time in the same bed as me, I think we can use a little space.”

“Aww...” she looks dejected. “Well, if you insist...”

“Look, my last nap was due to drinking myself under a table, and since then I’ve ran, jumped, climbed, gotten a rather stressful massage, ran some more, and then I can’t relax until the town was a no-goop zone again. I’m not sure how you aren’t zonked out right now.”

“Lotsa sugar and being related to a nigh-omnipotent trickster creature from Wunderland.” Well, that makes sense.

“Well sorry, but it’s time to sleep for us mortals. Even Twilight is probably home in bed.”

“Yeah... it’s mid-day, and she’s probably going to be getting ready to research everything she saw in Wunderland.” Pinkie says.

“Yeah, seeya.” I say, walking over to the library and getting up to my room just in time to pass out...

Upon waking I feel a lot better. I must say, even though I don’t really need to sleep, I still like to if I’m in the mood and I do still get tired. Heading downstairs I actually look at the place. Holy shit. That gives a new definition to ‘clean as a whistle’.

“Jeez Spike, how bored did you have to be to do this? I mean, I thought Twilight had OCD.”

“What’s OCD? I didn’t do anything special, you guys just haven’t been around to mess it up.” Spike says offhandedly.

“Oh... huh.” Guess Twi and I are a bit more cluttered than I thought. “Well thanks for doing upkeep.”

Spike sighs. “It’s my job. Don’t really have much else to do when Twilight’s gone. Don’t need to feed anyone but myself, don’t have to clean up after folks so everything stays clean, it’s quiet... gets pretty boring really, especially once you’ve read all your comics for the tenth time.” Spike laments, sitting at the table and sighing.

“You ever get tired of this job?”

Spike ponders for a moment. “Well... not really, it does give me something to do you know? I mean, it’s not like I hate cleaning up after you guys or keeping Twi fed. It’s kinda my job. I mean, most unicorns have an assistant or, y’know, a familiar if they’re good at summoning. I’m just hers.”

“Wait, so there are other unicorns with baby dragons?” I ask, greatly confused.

“Well... no. I’m really unique, actually, Celestia once told me nopony has had a dragon familiar since before Starswirl’s time, but most unicorns that’re good at magic summon a familiar. Or purchase a hireling, either way. Unicorns with a lot of power tend to be really spacey, and when I was young, me getting hungry was the only thing that reminded Twilight to eat instead of studying. I just... kept doing that, and helping her out.” he says.

“Not that it isn’t a good thing that you’re happy here and all, but don’t you ever have bigger dreams, or plans for the future? Like, doing something that gets you your own money?”

Spike chuckles. “Can you keep a secret from Twilight for me?” he asks, still smiling slightly.

“I’ve kept secrets from her since I met her, I can handle one more.”

“Dragons are immortal, and ponies aren’t. I’ve... already figured that out. And I want to spend whatever time I can with Twilight. I’ll have so... so long to do what I want after that.” he says.

That is fairly mature for a kid his relative age. “Dude, that’s deep.” I say. “I, personally, am gonna off myself.”

“You don’t mean...” He makes a cutting motion across his throat, a concerned look on his face.

“Yeah, if I’m long-lived enough and I hit a thousand, I’m done. I’d have already lived long enough to see all my friends die and then some. I figure I don’t wanna live forever I mean... that’s a long time. And to be fair, humans aren’t meant to live that long. Heck, if I age like a normal human still, I’d probably end it when I hit eighty. I at least wanna go out on my own terms rather than die from cancer like most members of my extended family.”

“W-well... I’d still be here. So will Luna, and Celestia, and Cadence. And you could make more friends in that time.” He sounds worried, which I guess makes sense. If he’s come to the ‘immortality epiphany’ already, a thousand years could sound like a really short time to him.

I think for a moment. Well, Spike as a dragon has a tougher stomach than most ponies, I think he could handle this... “Spike, let me tell you a secret.” I glance up the stairs to make sure Twilight wasn’t up and listening. She wasn’t. “I’ve already tried to kill myself. I don’t wanna live forever. At all.”

“Well... you won’t. I mean, if you live like a star, you’ll live a long time, but not forever. I mean, you’re not like a dragon. Dragons just get stronger the older we get, but stars fade out eventually, I think. I could send a letter to Princess Luna asking about stars, if you’d like.”

“Nah. Besides, like I said, I’ve attempted suicide, I don’t want to live a thousand years or however long I’ll live. I’ll probably just... disappear one day or something and I wouldn’t suggest looking for me. I know I’m being kind of a downer here but I think there’ll be a point where you question the value of a life that goes on forever, literally or figuratively.”

“Well... the point would be the help you can give others, right? After all, that’s the point of life, immortal or not.” he says.

“The way I see it... actually, you know we could go around like this in circles for hours. I have an idea.” I say, a plan already formed in my head.

“Oh?”

“Let’s go ask an ancient dragon what he thinks of immortality.”

“Eh, Idunno... most dragons are really mean, even when they’re young. I once tried to meet some, and they were all jerks.”

“Well, maybe we have to find one that’s older than they are. And if you’re right and they’re all jerks... we can just leave.”

“Leave where exactly?” Twilight asks, coming down the stairs. “Are you already planning our next vacation spot?”

I ponder that. “Depending on how long we stay, I guess I am.”

“Well, where is it? I’ll start researching right away!” she says, smiling broadly. “It’ll be nice to take my mind off of Wunderland.”

I shrug. “Do you know where we can find a dragon? Like, an ancient, ancient dragon? Spike and I have a little debate going and we’d like an answer.”

“What sort of debate can only be solved by an ancient dragon?” she asks, very curious, and a touch cautious.

“Something that we’re keeping a secret.” I say, folding my arms and giving Spike a nod, who nods back. “Either way, yeah, let’s go find a dragon. You can probably ask a few questions too.”

“Erm... well, the only dragon in the age class you’re asking about I can think of that’s nearby would be in the dragonlands... and we’d need to wait a while before we can go there. Mostly for diplomatic reasons. Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Spike, and I went to an area on the edge of the dragonlands, and things went very... poorly. We’ll need to get an escort and plan for a couple months of travel and... well, it’ll be a big thing. Do you really want to do this?”

I shrug. “The way I see it, we have nothing to lose by going. I mean, come on, you’ve got to have plenty of dragon questions that haven’t been answered. You could probably write an entire book on dragon culture if you ask the right questions. And besides, I’m getting a little tired of Ponyville. It’s nice and all, but I wanna see the big picture, you know?”

“Well, Anthony, in case you’ve forgotten, ponies and dragons need to eat, even if you don’t. And it’d be a month or two of traveling anyways, through dangerous zones and across perilous terrain. You’ll need to be geared up, and ready for everything out there.”

“Well, let’s see, got my brain, got my Star Core... all I need's a few supplies, a giant roll of duct-tape and a weapon and I’m sure I’ll be fine. You don’t have to come if you don’t want, I’m just saying you’d be able to ask questions ponies have probably wanted to know the answers to for ages.”

“Anthony, you’re not listening. For one, if you’re taking Spike, there’s no way I’m going to let him go alone into a place where there are things that prey on grown dragons. Second, this isn’t some sort of storybook, where you can just ignore the months of traveling required, or the potential diplomatic incident that would result. Maybe if you listened to me for once.” Twilight says, sounding uncharacteristically grumpy.

“What diplomatic incident could arise? I’m not going to do anything but be diplomatic. You think I expect to get answers by being a jerk?”

“That is your track record. And mostly, I meant bypassing the border into another country illegally. The dragonlands aren’t in Equestria, Anthony. We can’t just go running around on their land, that’d be wrong.” she says. “And all three of us are considered Equestrian citizens, and I don’t want to deal with that problem. And we’d need passports.”

“I don’t consider myself to be Equestrian. I also think you need to lighten up. Seriously, you spend all your time worrying and no time thinking about the actual point. So we’ll be going cross-country, get a passport and have it checked. What else is required to step over an invisible line? It’s not like we’re invading or anything.”

“Well, again, we need to be prepared to be marching for a month straight, assuming it’s just the three of us, and we’d need to bring enough food for Spike and I for that entire time, as there isn’t even grass in large swathes of the dragonlands. Also, Spike needs gems for nutritional reasons, and those get rather heavy in any amount large enough to last a growing dragon a decent amount of time, such as, say, more than two weeks. And even if we don’t look like we’re invading, Dragons have attempted to invade us, and there have been the occasional random Dragon Hunter group going crazy and xenophobic and trying to sneak into the dragonlands for a few ‘trophies’.” Twilight says. “You may think I worry too much, but I think you don’t worry about your friends enough, Anthony.”

“Are you done?” I ask, arms still crossed.

“... for the moment.”

“First off, don’t you say a damn thing about how I mistreat my friends, like you would know. Secondly, fine. You win, we’ll never go anywhere. We’ll just stay in this stupid little valley town for the rest of our lives and never step outside our comfort zone or learn anything new that isn’t shipped to us by the real explorers.”

“First off, I never said you mistreat your friends, I only said you don’t worry enough. Or listen, apparently. Second of all, I said we’d have to wait and do it right. You waited for the trip to Wunderland, didn’t you? This is the same thing.” She looks at me angrily.

“So let’s stop bickering and start actually planning this trip. All you had to say was ‘okay, let me just make a list’ and we’d be done. The way you’ve been going on, you act like you don’t want anyone to go at all!”

“I never said that! Once again, you never seem to listen to me!.” She yells, stamping a forehoof. “Urgh! Why do you always assume the worst out of me?!” she yells, before storming out of the room. Looking around, Spike has already left, too.

“You wouldn’t understand my reasoning, even if I did explain it.” I say to the now-absent Twilight. Of course I always assume the worst of people! I’ve been scammed out of house and home for doing any less. I get up and head for the door. Might as well get started on this myself if I’m not going to get any help.

I pause when I realize that I don’t even know where to start. Except for the myriad of books in the library. I leave the doorway and turn to the shelves. Geography? No. History? No. Hmmm... where’s an encyclopedia, that would be a good place to start...

Jump to top

Chapter 39 Author's Note

Sorry about being gone so long, I've been dealing with life issues. In apology for my tardiness, I offer two chapters in as many days.

Chapter 39

I pull an encyclopedia off the shelf and flip through it. Dragonlands... Nope not in this one. I pick out a different one and this time find what I’m looking for. I grab a map of Equestria as well and find Ponyville. It says the Dragonlands are far to the South-east of Equestria, across an ocean and deep in what looks like a volcanic jungle area. Not only that, but the map shows, if the scale given is accurate, that it’s about the same distance from Ponyville as Egypt is from Colorado.

Okay, so if we were to start on a trek to the Dragonlands, we’d head out of Ponyville... okay Twi’s right we would have to walk, unless we could get some form of air travel. We’d need a boat at some point since it’s across an ocean. Or... well, we could go north, take a train into the Griffon lands, but we’d still need to cross a sea that looks similar to the mediterranean.

Looking over this map, I’m forced to admit, if only to myself, that the dragonlands are more than just a daytrip away, and that some amount of preparation for Spike at the very least would be a good idea.

Also that Equestria is absolutely riddled with horse puns.

I turn back to the encyclopedia and look around the few pages that cover the dragonlands, wondering what I could expect to find. There’s not a whole lot on dragons themselves, but they are mentioned to be extremely dangerous and territorial as a result of having, among other things, great longevity, very tough hides and a high resistance to magic, and a need to hoard gems as a food source. Though it doesn’t seem to negate my combat tactics. On to what their land is like...

“The violent and tumultuous lands the Dragons have claimed,” I read aloud, “while rich in wood of magical and amazing natures, is oft choked with sulphurous mists and deadly fogs of black ash. The mountains burn and seethe with the fury of the deepest earth, and shatter even solid rock with their tantrums and rage. The dragons themselves jealously guard even the tiniest scrap of their homes, preventing any great incursion into their realm for scientific purposes.”

So they have big volcanoes and chase everybody out, great. That doesn’t bother me or Spike potentially but Twilight would definitely need some sort of gas mask or something similar.

As well, the passage goes on to describe ‘great lakes of fire’ filling ‘rifts in the earth’, which I assume are random lava pools. Sounds like Hawaii on steroids.

But it’s not mentioned to be very tropical, more jungle-like where there are plants. So I’ll bring a machete. I can say this much, it’s gonna take a lot of burnt calories to get to the actual place we need to get to, so Twilight’s gonna have to be eating more than just daisy sandwiches. There’s a train that will take us to Baltimare and from there it’s the ocean and then the dragon lands. Either that or a train that’ll take us all the way to Griffonstone, and then we hike south, but I think Twilight’ll prefer the shorter train ride.

Eh, she’ll say one way or another eventually.

Closing the book, as I have no idea the costs of either option, I look outside. Still noonish, jeez.

What could I do? Rainbow Dash and I are still barred from Pranking for a while yet, Pinkie’s being all dopey still, and none of the others really do anything interesting, usually.

Man, and I was really hoping to go for a hike or something... Wait, why not? I don’t need to pack food or anything, and there’s plenty of small hills, a ‘safe’ forest nearby called Whitetail, and even that Ghastly Gorge place everyone talks about.

I decide for the woods, since that seems like it would be a bit more interesting, and it means less uphill walking. I begin searching through the maps and find a map that covers Ponyville and Whitetail but it’s in a book. I’d have to rip the page out if I wanted to take it. Eh, bit of tape and it’ll be fine afterwards.

*Scri-iip*

Moments later Twilight comes down the stairs. “Did I just hear something being torn?”

“I’m heading to the Whitetail Woods.” I say, stuffing the folded page into my pocket. “I’ll be back in... Idunno, few hours. Also, I’d suggest thinking on how we’re gonna cross the ocean to the dragonlands. I, personally, don’t have the cash for a boat ride.”

I leave the tree and begin my trek down to the woods. It’s actually a pretty nice day. A bit bright but tolerable. I could just run over at lightspeed but I’d rather not kill my legs so I just walk. It honestly isn’t that long a walk but it certainly feels like quite a trek. The map says it’s only roughly ten miles from the Ponyville train station, but I swear the trees on the horizon just don’t seem to be getting any closer. Well, they are, just very little at a time. Looking behind me I can see that the train station is a pretty good distance away. I can actually get pretty far when I’m thinking rather than focusing on the actual activity of walking. I should have brought the lyre, music would certainly help a ton. But I left it back at the library and I don’t really feel like walking all the way back just for the lyre.

I come across a small rise, a gentle slope mostly cleared of trees, minus a gazebo at the top with a pair of trees entwined around and through it.

Passing by the oddly-placed landmark I finally start seeing the trees of Whitetail woods overtake the sky above me and I note that the map shows a trail all the way through it. Eh, better than walking aimlessly. I take the path and start exploring, definitely smelling nature, as well as various animals. It really is a very wide path, so I’m not having to brush away branches and the like as in the Everfree.

Why would the trail need to be this wide though? It seems odd, really, like it’s meant for many people to be taking the trail, side by side. Strange trail for a forest that isn’t very close to town. I continue to ponder the reasoning behind the wide trail as I continue on. There’s not a whole lot going on and it’s fairly quiet, to the point of being fairly boring. No animals or birds, but hey that means fewer creatures to poop on me so it’s worth the boredom.

I get to a part of the forest that branches off in another direction, it seems fairly rocky and goes up an incline so I decide to avoid it and continue on the trail. I can’t figure out how far into the woods I am but it feels like I’m a decent way through it. I keep walking, staring at the trees and note one odd thing, there’s still no animals. There should at least be a- Ow! I’m on the ground and my nose is, aw come on, my nose is bleeding from hitting it on the path. I turn back to see what tripped me up and it’s a raised crack in the ground, like it just-

A shower of dirt and gravel cuts off my thoughts, a tall humanoid bursting from under the roots of a tree. Scaly carapace and small, thorny protuberances cover it like armor. The humanoid face bears four eyes in a cracked-looking forehead, as if the second pair had been put into wounds, not sockets.

As well, the head itself was crowned with a series of gnarled plates, and hands with sharp claws. A pair of ratty, tattered wings rise from its shoulders, but they don’t look flightworthy. The humanoid screeches, a word barely audible through it: “Meeeat!”

Shit. I stand up and wipe the blood from my nose, ignoring the scrapes on my palms and knees. I note that it’s not a populated area and there’s no chance of civilian casualties. I enhance my size to about twice as big as my foe and give its thorny hide a kick, my shoes protecting me for only the first few centimeters of spikes. I need new shoes, badly.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t expecting the spiky bastard to get caught on my shoe and begin clawing at it, either. Fuck, those claws are going to get through these any moment. Size is not helping me in this fight, just making it more frantic to eat me.

“Meeeaat! Meeeeeeat!” Also, its voice is a touch shrill.

Obviously it’s some offshoot of a demon, but that’s all I know at this point. I scrape my foot against a tree, hoping the rough bark would pry the creature off. Shit, the trees here in Whitetail aren’t as gnarly as the ones in Everfree. All I manage to do is jostle it. And if I shrink now he’ll be right on top of me. Shit, shit, shit!

A quick look around spots a boulder nearby, but it’s just out of my reach. Stepping on this thing would be painful, but then again, having it decide to try eating my foot alive would probably hurt way worse. A hobbling step that draws crackling noises and shrieks of what I assume to be pain from the demon later, and I’m able to scrape it off on the rock, and take a very long step back.

The pain in my foot is not foreign to me, it takes me back to when I was young and playing ‘the floor is lava’ outside and jumped to a plank with a nail in it. It went right through my tiny shoe and stabbed me in the foot. But rather than simply one long nail, now I’m dealing with several shorter spikes, making it so I can’t even walk on the ball of my foot to go get help from mom, er, Twilight.

Thank goodness none of the spines that got me were barbed, though. I don’t want to know what kinda crazy infections I could get from a demon. Probably ‘Evil Tetanus’ or something.

Health concerns aside, I need to figure out what to kill this thing with. The last fight was way different; the bigger demon fought slowly and methodically, but this one is twitchy and screaming and already back on its feet with one wing very obviously broken and a nasty, bleeding gash down its chest, the blood a richer red than mine, which can’t possibly be healthy. The four eyes on its face blink entirely out of sync with one another, and it begins to charge me again.

Switching gameplans, I spark up and ‘charge’ myself, turning intangible. If I can get through him, I may be able to get help- Argh. I forgot my foot! I stumble for a bit, pain arcing up my leg. I can’t run from this fight, I’m all alone. Still glowing and intangible though, I might be able to win this.

The demon lunges at me, sliding through me as planned - but unlike how I planned, I feel a tearing sensation, and see a smokey, glowing wisp dragged from my Star Core on a few of the monster’s spikes, and my intangibility flickers momentarily, accompanied by a powerful wave of exhaustion.

I groan and fall to my knees, panting heavily. Urgh... this isn’t going well. Can’t run... can’t make easy dodges... gotta... kill this thing. Without touching it. My mind races through all my powers and all of them require physical contact aside from coal. Coal! I- shit I left my satchel from Wunderland up in my Mopey Tree!

I think of a way to fix my situation and come up with one. Maybe if I burn a tree and turn it into charcoal... Crawling my way to an exposed root I channel fire through my fist and turn the root a charred black, and slightly crumbly. I did it! I order the blackened root to turn into a dagger or something and stab the demon in the eyes but nothing happens. “C’mon... c’mon work!” But no amount of focus or mental suggestion makes the blackened root take action. It only works on coal, true coal... fuck!

The demon grabs its head, and shouts something about the meat talking too much, before turning to me with undisguised hatred. “Meat shouldn’t talk! I talk, and I’m not meat! Not anymore!” the demon charges me again. Maybe I can dodge and get it to run into the tree. Fire might not hurt it... but I could burn the base to try making it crumble onto him! Maybe...

I go with that plan and bundle up to roll out of the way and dodge the charge by mere centimeters, I turn my attention on the trunk of the tree I’m now in front of, the battle having taken us far off the trail. Some instinct in me tells me to give the demon a leg swipe and I do, and await the soul-draining sensation... but it doesn’t come. Are the legs safe... or something else? Can’t think on that yet!

I crawl to the tree and ignite it at the base, sending flames into it through my palms, making the heat as intense as I possibly can. The tree practically explodes, splinters driving into my face, chest, and hands yet miraculously missing my eyes, and knocking the demon back down, the thing having already been getting up. The tree comes down as expected, thick white birch trunk slamming into the screaming demon and ending its yelling in an instant, and I manage to dodge most of the damage having been on the ground- “Agh!” A few splinters of wood find purchase in the back of my good leg, my lower back -barely missing my spine- and one splinter gets me in the neck, driving just as deep as the others, hitting... something... so much... ringing... losing blood... smoke everywhere... can’t... move... gotta-

I feel darkness all around me, enveloped in a swath of immobility. My body heavy and weak. Monster! Gotta... kill it... Too weak, pain everywhere. A slight ringing in my ears prevents my hearing, and my stinging tears glue my eyelids shut.

I’m not gonna die here in these godforsaken woods! I gotta, gotta get help. Maybe someone will see the explosion... and rescue me. Still can’t move. Am I pinned? I must be pinned. All I can do is wait to be eaten alive. A sharp pain enters my arm, and seconds later I feel a cold, almost freezing sensation fill my body until it warms, as if dissolving into my body. Is it... venom of some kind? Gotta move- can’t, still pinned. Ringing, and shouting now. Can’t the monster kill me without a victory scream? I don’t wanna die but at least let me die as a human, not some monster’s entree...

Everything sounds watery under the ringing, but I swear I hear more than one voice now. Maybe it’s screaming because it’s been interrupted. Oh man, if I’ve been paralyzed... I need to call out to them. Maybe it’s Twilight and the others. I have to warn them!

“Gonna... kill you!” I choke out through the darkness, voice raspy and throat raw, the pain in my neck intensifies and I can’t help but cough out a scratchy yelp of pain. “Not... gonna stop!”

A tingling in the back of my head, just above where the shard of wood entered my neck begins to form and spread. The venom must have hit my brain! “No...” can’t even scream anymore! “Gotta... kill...” My voice fades away as does the ringing and I’m left with-

Ughhhh... my head. I open my eyes and see all white. I’m... dead? No, not like that. I can’t be gone just like this! I can’t- “No!” I sit bolt upright, realizing I was on my back. I still can’t move my arms or legs though. Gotta... move. “Agh!” The sudden movement shoves a spike of pain up my spine, knocking me back onto whatever surface I’m stuck to. “Help...” I manage to croak out. “Not... done yet...” My eyes start to drift from the whiteness and my sight lands to the side where I see... grass? Sunlight? Too perfect, almost fake, like a fantasy. No, I can’t be in heaven yet! I... can’t deny the sensation that I’m staring into the garden of Eden.

No, I can’t be dead yet, I still hurt all over. It’s numbed but still very present. Maybe... the whiteness is limbo? I shut my eyes and am greeted with the familiar darkness, open them again to see the whiteness above me. I fear of what I see should I look to the other side... Curiosity and the fear of Hell overtake me and I chance a look. Instead of flames and apocalyptic scenery, I see... what?

The walls of the room I seem to be in are a pleasant off-white, but not quite cream color on the top halves, and warm wood panelling on the lower halves. Definitely not hell... especially because that looks like a minifridge, next to a small array of blinking, beeping machines that all look fantastically expensive.

Of them going ‘bing!’ as I look at it, though I have no idea what it’s supposed to do.

Not purgatory... so... a... hospital? Ugh... I still can’t move. Rather see hell than see myself hooked up to machines, fighting for my life as I sit here helplessly waiting for the inevitable as underpaid doctors barely care about me. I imagine my grandmother the last time I saw her. Bedridden with cancer treatments of all varieties and nobody around but her family. Except I left all my family behind. I have nobody. No mom, no dad, not even my bitch of a sister which I still care about... And no doctor or nurse around to ask them to pull the fucking plug. Recalling seeing my grandma like that, already having given up and... and... I can’t help but cry. “Just let me die...” I manage to choke out, as tears form in my eyes.

And, life being what it is, a nurse walks in exactly then, a nice-looking mare in a white lab-coat style attire and her mane in a bun, looking down at a clipboard until she hears me bawling my eyes out, and looks up, appearing startled.

“O-oh my goodness, are you alright?” she asks, then checks herself. “I-I mean, did you hurt yourself sitting up, sir?” Her voice is chipper, and mildly soothing, but not soothing enough for me.

“Just kill me... I’m dead already and I don’t have anyone to live for anymore.”

“What? Oh, no, you’re well on your way to recovery! Why would you think you’re dying?” she says, looking concerned. “I just transferred over, but all your paperwork says you’re almost done with the initial recovery stages. The healing salve will be coming off in a week, even!” she says, pointing at the thick casts on my arms. How the hell did I not see casts on my arms? And... on my legs. The hell did I do to my legs that needed casts?!

“You kidding?” I ask quietly. “Look at me. I’m stuck in a hospital bed, immobile and helpless. The second another demon shows up, you’re all dead and I’m next.” I sigh. “Nobody’d miss me anyways.” I finish, thinking of how much a total dickwaffle I’ve been on Earth and Terra combined.

“Uhm, the casts are just to keep the regeneration salve fresh while they get rid of the last of the scarring. From the pictures taken when you were brought in, they looked pretty nasty alright, but modern medicinal magic was more than enough for minor injuries like that. You have some bruising on your spine that’ll take some time to finish healing, but you won’t have anything more than stiffness a couple months from here.” she says brightly, stepping forward. “Also, my name is Perfect Stitches, and I’m just taking over your care now that you’re not in any sort of danger of complications.” she reaches out and pats me reassuringly on the thigh, making ‘clop clop’ noises as her hoof strikes the cast. “Trust me, you’re doing perfectly well!” Her smile never fades as she speaks, and her words are starting to get through to me. It’s just... this room, and there wasn’t anyone in here when I woke up...

“Still alone with nobody who cares...” I say as I turn away as best I can. ‘At least Pinkie came to me when I was depressed...’ my mind reminds me, but my other thoughts respond with ‘Sure, but once you get really fucked up, where is she now? Where’s Myrna too? Huh?’

Before my thoughts can spiral any further, the doctor laughs. “Oh, silly, several of your friends came to see you. One of them is even still waiting in the Guest wing, even after a week and a half. She’s seemed really glum the entire time, and a few of the others stayed for the first several days until they were sure you’d be fine. Oh! There’s actually a bunch of gifts for you, but because we don’t have your allergies on file, they were kept in your storage room until we could check with you.”

“Highly concentrated corn and penicillin.” I say.

“What’s penicillin?” she asks, quirking an eyebrow in curiosity.

“You don’t use penicillin?” I ask, astonished. “I mean, in my case it’s good, but for others... it’s basically used in every modern medicine. It’s an antibiotic from fruit mold.”

“Ah, you mean Flame-Mold! We use it in the base of most of our medicines too. That’s good to know.” She pulls a pencil out and scribbles on her clipboard, and I realize she’s an earth pony.

“I take it you’ve never heard of anyone allergic to the stuff?” I say, recalling how rare an allergy to penicillin is in human culture.

“Hmm? No no, we have. Most ponies overcome it with age, though. A lot of foals have it, but only a few still have an allergy to it by adulthood.” she explains, still smiling. “By the way, that call button looks a little low; if you’re comfortable sitting up at this height, I can adjust it for you.” she says, gesturing to what looks like a mouthguard with an exclamation point on it in red, with a plus for the ‘dot’.

I shrug. “If I’m as well off as you say I am, I should be fine, but if it makes you feel better, go ahead.”

She amiably comes over to the other side of the bed, and moves it so it’s in range of my face, explaining it’s meant to be bit down on. Apparently, the bite cover is replaced after every patient, and cleaned every other day if used often.

“Alright, with that out of the way, I’ll need to alert the other staff you’re fine and awake, and if you’re feeling up to visitors I can go tell your guests. Oh! And if you’d prefer we install a catheter in place of your bedpan, just ask, and we’ll get that underway. You’ll only need it a few more days though, so it’s your choice.”

“Things that don’t eat tend to not need to poop much.” I remind her. “Star Core does my eating for me.”

“You have urinated though during your stay. We’ve been keeping you hydrated, and your Star Core hasn’t activated at all during that time.” she says, frowning for the first time. “We suspect it’s related to the damage your attacker did to your spiritual essence.”

“You mean... that thing he did when he ran through me... he took a bite out of my soul‽” I ask, a bit intrigued but mostly afraid.

“As far as we can tell, yes, thank you for clearing up the ‘how’ part, as there was no evidence of soul-tearing magic in the area. Thankfully, the damage was minor and will only take a few months to repair itself, hopefully. At worst, you’ll be a bit more tired for up to a year than you normally would be.” she smiles at me again.

“Great, now I’m ‘normal’ again... Alright, whoever’s here to see me can come on in... Twilight probably wants to know about the demon that attacked.”

“Actually, it’s a Miss Pie, and Captain Armor of the Royal Guard also asked to be informed when you woke. He said he needed to speak to you.” she says, before heading for the door, humming pleasantly.

Pinkie I could see wanting to check on me, but Shining? What does he want?

A few minutes of aimless pondering later, the door opens and a pink blur rockets up to the bed, slamming me into a hug I can’t quite return. An insanely fast stream of chatter leaves her mouth as she presses her face to my chest, and it takes me several moments to regain my breath and realize my chest is soaked with tears from Pinkie.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be alright. I should be out of here soon.” I suddenly lose any confidence I had when I recall that’s exactly what my grandma used to say every time we left her hospital room.

Pinkie sniffles and nuzzles my chest some more. “I- I was so afraid you weren’t gonna wake up at first and then you started yelling a couple days after you got here but you were so banged up and I thought you were gonna kill everypony ‘cuz the demon had gotten to you and you sounded so angry and then they had to sedate you and you were just so still and you don’t sit still you’re always moving and shifting and I thought they’d killed you and I couldn’t just leave and the Cakes let me have as much time off as I needed and I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up the doctors said it was against hospital rules because nobles are stupid and ‘sleeping together’ just tends to re-break set bones especially when it’s rough and I wanted to be here but they gave me this nice guest room and it’s really comfy but it’s too far away and I couldn’t check on you all the time because the nurses would turn me around and put me back in my room or say I should just go outside because I shouldn’t try to wake you up or put my face over yours so I could feel if your were breathing and that I couldn’t throw you a ‘please don’t go into the light yet’ party cuz you were getting better but I wasn’t sure I believed them but now you’re awake and I’m so glad ‘cuz it means they were right and you’re getting better and-” she continues rambling into my chest, as I sigh and do my best to move my arms into a hugging position but fail, so I just sit up and rub her nose with mine.

“I’ll be fine. A little tired for a while and I may not be at full power but I’ll be alright.”

Pinkie draws a shaky breath for almost thirty seconds straight, then nods gently. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I- I was afraid the last thing we’d have done together was me being all drunk and stupid on you...”

“Yeah... that would’ve sucked. So, let’s move out of depression town for a bit. How are things in Ponyville? That monster did a number on me, but he didn’t make it to Ponyville, did he?”

“Nuh uh. You squashed him good with the tree. Did you do that on purpose? ‘Cuz the docs said you almost lost an eye, and that would’ve been bad.” she says, shuddering.

“No, it didn’t go as planned, but he’s dead, I’m alive, Ponyville’s intact, and everything’s gonna be fine in a year or so.”

“Yeah, they should have the new trees in by then. Applejack and some of the other earth ponies in town are helping them regrow after the fire.” she says, and I blink.

“I set the forest on fire...” I recall the tree exploding and the likelihood that the flames leapt to other trees is astronomically high... “That must be how you found me.”

“Yeah. Well, that and the group of weirdly-armored Guards from Canterlot that were already heading to Whitetail Woods. They’re the ones who found you and got you out! Their medic said your lungs were really bad from all the smoke, but he fixed you enough to get to Canterlot.”

“So we’re in Canterlot now? Or did they move me again?”

“We’re still in the big C. This is the bestest hospital in all of Equestria! Or, at least the most expensive. They even have a machine that goes ‘bing!’” The machine in question went ‘bing!’ at exactly that moment, punctuating her comment.

“Indeed they do.” I smile. “So a few more days and I’m out of here. Can you think of anything I can do while I can’t use my arms or legs?”

“A few things, but they’d all get me kicked out of the hospital...” she says. “Oh, wait, we can do some board games, but you’ll have to tell me your-” Before she can finish, the door opens again and Shining Armor steps in, about to say something as well until he sees Pinkie just about straddling me on the bed.

“... is this something I should avoid telling the staff about, in case you get kicked out of the hospital, Pinkie?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Why?” I ask. “Jealous?”

“I already have one pretty pink pony at home, thank you. You can have this one.” he says with a smirk.

“Anyways, don’t expect me to let her get that far unless Twi’s around.”

His eyes narrow. “Well... you may want to put her down, I need to speak with you privately. Pinkie, you can come back in later, alright?” he looks to her at the last sentence, and she pouts, but complies.

He turns back to me, “We’ll discuss that later. For now, I need to debrief you.”

“Here? Now? Sorry, not into guys.” I smirk.

“Military debriefing.” he clarifies, without any humor in his tone.

Jump to top

Chapter 40

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Jump to top

Chapter 41 Author's Note

Sorry about the lack of updates. My muse has, seemingly, completely left me as of late.

Chapter 41

I’m still in the hospital bed, immobilized by my casts. I’m still not one-hundred percent sure I didn’t break anything. Explosion that size? Definitely something at least bruised inside.

And that ringing. Azathoth damnit, it just won’t go away! It’s worse than the ‘low health’ beeping I’ve dealt with in video games. At least with those you can finish the game or drink a potion or something and be done with it.

...

Y’know, why don’t they ju- BAM

The door slams open, jarring me out of my thoughts, and Pinkie backs into the room, dragging a trolley overflowing with wrapped presents, piles of flowers, and cake balanced on top of it all without falling, somehow.

“Heh, happy birthday to me, I guess.” I chuckle as I strain against the casts to no effect. Still pretty much tied down.

Pinkie turns and gasps dramatically. “It’s your birthday‽ I need to make another cake!” she shouts, and I sigh.

“It’s just a phrase, it’s not actually my birthday.” I think. The calendars here are way different than Earth’s.

Pinkie’s facial expression doesn’t change. “But I still don’t know when your birthday is, and you’ve been here over a year which means we must have skipped it, ohmygosh I missed your birthday! I’m so sorry!” She covers her mouth with her hooves, a comical look of horror on her face.

I laugh. “Don’t worry, it’s no big deal.”

“No... no big deal‽ Oooh, I’m gonna get you with a birthday party one day, mister, just you wait and see!” she says, shaking a hoof at me. I don’t feel afraid, it’s not like she’ll throw me all my missed parties at once.

“So, what did I get this time? More money?” Yeah, I’m a greedy bastard... oh well, if they wanna pay me for a job well done I’m not gonna say no, that’s for sure.

“Idunno any of them except mine, and I’m not telling you what I got you until you open it! Well... until I open it for you ‘cuz you can’t move your arms. But I’ll open ‘em on your lap!” she says, pulling the trolley next to the bed, the towering pile of gifts shaking slightly. The cake is pulled down and set on the table to the other side of the bed, and the gift-opening is set to begin as Pinkie plonks down on my lap, exactly as she said.

“Alright, might as well start from the top, then” I figure even Pinkie can’t completely avoid the effects of gravity on top-heavy objects. That would be a bit too much for ‘just Pinkie Pie’.

“Alright! Let’s see... the red one or the blue one?” she asks, pointing at a large red box and an angular blue thing wrapped directly in paper. It’s rectangular, but not perfectly so.

“Blue. Never take the red pill. Shit just gets confusing.” I joke but Pinkie doesn’t get it.

“Uhm... Okay!” she says, pulling down the present and sitting facing me. “It’s from Granny Smith!” she proclaims, showing me the little tag, before pulling it open. The reason for the shape becomes apparent as a me-sized and human-shaped sweater falls out, thick and wooly and probably warm enough to cook pot roasts in mid-winter.

“Heh, I think Myrna would appreciate one too.” I mean, I barely know her but I figure she might be cold-blooded since eighty percent of her is reptile. I check the sweater over for any special possibly-embarrassing pictures or something. On the chest is a simple but elegantly-made tree design, and the small red points are, I’m assuming, apples. Nothing else design-wise, so this is one I’d wear around when it gets cold.

“I’ll bet so, too, Granny Smith’s Apple Family Sweaters are always super-appreciated when somepony gets one. She only knits them for non-family members if they’re sick or... well, injured.” Pinkie explains. “Ooh, and there’s a green present I can get to now! Or should I grab the red one?” she asks me. The green is another standard box shape, though smaller and longer than the red.

“Eh, I’ll go red this time, why not?” I answer, and Pinkie sets aside the sweater, which I will probably enjoy once I can actually get something on. It would actually be nice. It’s a bit breezy in this rather small hospital gown and lone bedsheet.

“Alright!” she pulls it down, and opens it. Inside the box is a set of action figures, along with a card. The action figures appear to be... oh, wait, pegasus in a pith helmet? Gotta be Daring Do. And the card is... “Oh, it’s from Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie exclaims. She pulls the toys out, Daring Do, some big blue monster, and a griffon with a monocle.

I stare at the toys. Specifically Daring Do. Other than the clothes, it doesn’t look anything like I imagined her from the books. I figured the hair would look... less like Rainbow Dash’s in black. As for the big blue thing, I check the name... what? Ahuizotl? That doesn’t look anything like an actual Ahuizotl, for one they’re supposed to be amphibious! The last one is... well I’ve never actually met a griffon before so I can’t say if it’s accurate or not. All this has done is make me realize one thing: even in this world, the toys never resemble the actual characters unless fan made. “Anyways...” I say, rolling my eyes. “What’s the card say?”

“They’re pretty neat-o! Oh, and the card says... ‘get better soon dude you can’t be awesome in a hospital I’d visit but they said I had to leave the clouds alone but it was gloomy.’ She really needs to master the comma.” Pinkie comments at the end of the short letter.

“Aright, red and blue down, time for green.” I state. I figure if this one is good, then it and the sweater will make up for the lame toys.

“Alrighty-roo! Let’s see...” she pulls it down, and the tag has a simple, blocky typeface name, proclaiming it to be from ‘Twilight’. Pinkie opens it, and reveals a trio of books. “Oooh, I think these are from Twilight!” she comments, turning them towards me. The first I’d expect, it says something about ‘the memoires of Starswirl the Bearded’. The second one, though, does catch my eye.

“Oh, she sent you a first-edition of Blueish Carol’s Big Book of Shanties! It’s all the little poems he composed on the way to Wunderland!” she says, looking over the small, leather-bound book. The title is emblazoned in faded gold leaf on the front. “And the other’s an atlas of Terra! So cool!” Pinkie says, grinning.

“That would actually help, I plan to go adventuring. Equestria’s nice but, you know, exploration.”

“Oooh, this is one of the ones updated with help from the Diamond Dogs! It’s got underground maps!” she says, looking through the atlas a brisk pace.

“Cool, I can do some spelunking then!” I say, honestly excited.

“Yeah! And I can invite my sisters along and they’ll be super-helpful!” Pinkie says ecstatically. “Even I know a lot about rocks, and I’m not nearly as good with them as my sisters are!”

“Alright... you know other than Granny Pie, I’ve never met your family. You said they disowned you, right?”

“Well... for a little while. Sorta.” Pinkie says, looking uncomfortable.

“Enough about that, let’s keep going. I’ve got books from Twilight -shocker- and toys from Dash, sweater from Granny... who else wants to feel bad for me? I mean congratulate me?”

“Well... Ooh, Mine’s int he next three!” she says, pointing at the pile, an orange round box, a purple rectangular box of small size, and a medium rectangular box in regular brown sitting on top. Underneath those, I can see a box big enough to hide a couple bodies in, wrapped in a dozen different wrapping papers, and all taped up in a horrifying mish-mash of colors and patterns. Looks like that ones’ going to have to be next after these three. That monster practically screams ‘CMC’.

“I’ll go with... purple.” I say, making my pick.

Pinkie grabs it, pulling it over, and begins to open it, and inside is a glass bottle full of amber fluid, and a note. Pinkie pulls out the notecard, and turns it so I can read it.

“From the Punch family. May the burn help your burns.” I read, noting the awkward signature from the little fillies of the house, and the much neater script of the parents. At the bottom of the back is a label declaring the drink ‘128 proof, Taproot-infused Whiskey’ “Shit dude... This thing’ll get me fucked up even if I was at full power.” I guess out loud. It must be really hard to get hands on. I have Pinkie set it aside and decide to have her open “The brown one.”

“Okie dokie!” she quickly get it open, revealing a simple metal gauntlet, evidently made of steel. There’s no card or address with it, and looks like it’d fit on my right hand. “Huh... I can’t find a card or anything in here.” she says, sounding as puzzled as I feel. There’s some nice detail work on it in silver and brass, and it looks really flexible, but I have no idea who it’s from.

“Rarity is the only one I know who has my measurements, and she doesn’t do metalwork....” I turn to Pinkie. “Whoever made this must know me pretty well if it fits as well as it looks it will... and be good with armor crafting. Creepy.”

“It’s really neat-o, though. I wish we knew who sent it...” she says, reaching for the orange package as she speaks. It’s getting a bit crowded on the bed, I may need to ask her to move them off before we open whatever horrifying monstrosity the Crusaders caged up for me. I can imagine it now, ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders, Elder Thing Summoners, yay...’

Either way, I urge Pinkie to go ahead with the orange thing.

“Ooh, it’s from Rarity!” she says, pulling it over and pulling off the top, revealing it to be a hat-box containing a rather nice-looking top hat made from, if I’m not missing my guess, silk.

“Simple, and fancy as fuck.” I surmise. “Does she know me, or what?”

“Wow, I wanna see you wearing it!” Pinkie says, carefully lifting it out and plopping it on my head, though it’s a little crooked. “Oooh, you look like a real gentlec- er, gentleman.” she says, giggling.

I smirk. “All I need is a cane, now.”

“Oh, and there’s something else in here... Oooh!” she pulls out a length of silk, and a small card with the details of tying a ‘Minotaur Bowtie’ on it. Hah, and here I thought Rarity might still be bitter about my first encounter with Sweetie Belle.

“Alright, let’s clear a spot and open that big one.” I say, bracing for the worst. Honestly, it’s a good thing the box doesn’t have airholes... unless it’s supposed to but they forgot. Uh oh...

Pinkie quickly moves all my presents except the hat off my bed and onto the small cabinet nearby. Then, she hauls the box over, and I hear the sound of the bed creaking under the weight, something it hadn’t done with Pinkie and I both on the bed.

“Oof...” I exclaim, doing my best to spread my weight across the bed more. “Okay... might as well get it over with, what’s in it?”

Pinkie looks on top, having to fully stand up on her hind legs to do so, and calls back, “It’s from the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Why am I not surprised? “And it looks like it’s also closed with string. Gimme a second, I’m sure there’s a pair of scissors in here somewhere...” she says, reaching up to rummage in her hair, before pulling out a pair of wickedly-sharp-looking shears, and she uses them to cut open the top. The shears go back in her hair, and the begins pulling open the flaps of the giant box.

You know, I’m mostly surprised that she didn’t pull out construction paper scissors, made for cutting interesting shapes into cut edges... and the fact that the shears don’t surprise me initially tells me I need some time to remind myself how abnormal Pinkie is supposed to be...

The box suddenly falls open, revealing what appears to be a potato-powered cloud generator, and it’s been running all week, non-stop, waiting for me to open it. Well, we’re not going to be able to find the rest of the presents until they can get a pegasus in here to fix the clouds... Man, it’s getting a bit chilly.

A few hours of snuggling with Pinkie desperately for warmth later, and the cloud has been removed, and the frighteningly-efficient cloud generator has been squirreled away by a couple of Royal Guard stallions for ‘weather specialist review’.

Okay, I have to admit to even myself, something like that is probably Cutie Mark worthy... just wonder which one got it...

Either way, there’s a few more presents on the trolley, along with all the flowers and the cake, though Pinkie said she’ll make me a new one, as the old one got soggy in the sudden cloud expansion.

“Alright, let’s finish these off.” I say, feeling a bit tired from all the excitement. “Just open them all and read the cards.”

“Alright!” Pinkie says, peeling herself off of me. The chill in the air is not entirely pleasant after the comfortable warmth of pony, but she opens the first present, wrapped in light blue. Inside is a smaller version of a Tres Leche cake, much to my delight and surprise. “I kept having to swap it out every couple of days to keep it from going stale.” Pinkie says, beaming.

“The fact that you made one, let alone several...?” I say, looking at Pinkie. It’s supposed to be a super complicated recipe. “You’re too nice to me...” I smile.

“Yeah, I had to ask around, ‘cuz you mentioned them to Twilight once, and I found out there’s some, but they’re Prench, and I had to look them up, and then I went to a couple of places in Canterlot to ask for the recipe, and I had to get it from this nice mare named Fleur, and she said it was her mother’s recipe and was glad somepony who knew a kitchen inside and out would get to use it!” she says, all in one breath.

“You’re too nice...” I repeat, feeling very appreciated. “You better have eaten the others though, letting this go to waste is criminal.”

“Well, duh! Once I got the recipe down, I had to keep myself from eating them before putting ‘em back in the box.” she says, grinning. “They’re really good. Here, lemme give you a bite.” she says, using a fork to pull up a corner of it to feed me. Embarrassing as it would be otherwise, she’s just enthusiastic about seeing if I like it.

I enjoy the creamy, partially-solid treat as it literally melts on my tongue. I remind myself that this cake is the only reason I’m letting anyone spoon-feed me. And that it’s Pinkie and I know she’d never tell.

“Thanks... I’d uh... hug you but...” She wordlessly leans in and hugs me, and I smile... until I hear the sound of fork on plate behind me and feel her chewing motions on my shoulder.

I laugh and shake my head. She’s as addicted to the stuff as me. “Alright, one more small bite and the rest is mine.” I say rubbing my forehead against hers.

“B-but it’s soooo goood....” she mumbles, evidently around a piece of cake. “I can make more...”

I think for a second. “Fine, we can share.”

Pinkie nods and blushes a bit. Why? Did I say somethin- Hey! She shoves the rest of the cake into her mouth. I’m about to protest when she then ‘shares’ it with me.

Her tongue is wider than it is when she’s a human. It may sound odd, but that’s the first thing I noticed, followed by the taste of the cake, with a faint hint of raspberry flavor in the undertones.

I roll my eyes and accept, returning the kiss and the cake. It’s only a one-time thing, for her.

Before we can get further than Pinkie virtually melting across my chest and lap, the door opens again, startling Pinkie into jerking away from me, and I see a nurse step into the room, pausing when she sees Pinkie on my lap and cake on both our lips, Pinkie blushing furiously.

“We’re getting kicked out...” I lament aloud. “Aren’t we?”

The nurse shakes her head and, blushing, backs out of the room. Either way, the moment’s gone, though the cake is still tasty, either way.

“So... was it good?” Pinkie asks, twiddling her hooves.

“The kiss, or the cake?”

“Y- yes?”

I chuckle. “Good cake, great job, but I’m still not sold on the ‘muzzle’ thing.”

“O-oh... well, uhm, I can make the cake at Sugarcube Corner, now!” she says, looking a bit crestfallen. Ah well, it was an alright kiss, but the muzzle still feels pretty weird, though a bit better than when Chrysalis disguised herself as Twilight and tried sucking my face off.

“Ah well, still got a few more presents to go, let’s finish that first, okay?”

“Oh, yeah!” she says, perking back up, and reaches for the next present, pulling it up onto the bed. This is another brown package, with a ‘From: Applejack’ on the flaps, and inside is a set of... of... uh... I think they’re for apples, given the sender, but I have no idea what they’re supposed to be. Curved wooden planks with some sort of straps on the... top, I think? And there’s a tree and apple motif on the other side. Oof, I’m gonna have to ask Applejack what the hell these are.

Unless Pinkie knows. I give her a questioning look and she shrugs, looking just as baffled as I. “They look nice, I guess. Maybe they’re for... uh... apples?” she asks, sounding utterly lost.

“Oh well, it’s carved well at least, not gonna get splinters from it, so... next one?”

“Uh, sure. Let’s see... oh, it’s a card from Fluttershy!” she opens it up, and reads it, then show it to me. It says, in short, that she hopes I’m doing well when I read this, and to enjoy the flowers, if I’m not going to eat them like a pony would when given them.

Nah, I’m not big on flower eating. I wonder how they smell. I try sniffing and find they smell sweet and pleasant, but are slightly wilted, and the odor is faint now. If it hadn’t been a full dozen, I probably wouldn’t have smelled it at all.

I wonder what kind of flowers they are though, I don’t know much about the language of flowers. Maybe she picked them randomly. I’ll have to look and see if Twilight has a book on that.

“Alright, and the next is... Uh, I can’t read this writing, it’s really scrawly.” she says, turning it towards me. In spidery, thin, cramped writing, I read ‘get well soon, town is quiet w/o you. Myrna.’

I grin, honestly interested in seeing what she thinks I’d like considering she hardly knows me. She could probably ask the ponies, but still, I’d like her to get to know the real me. I nod to Pinkie, gesturing for her to open the box.

She does, and inside is three things. A small, black statuette of a menacing figure with little pointy ‘ears’, and a red figure in an action pose, thin black lines forming a ‘spider web’ pattern over it. In addition to the Batman and Spider-Man figurines is another box, this one labeled ‘Bon Bon’s Sweet Shop!’ in elegant script. Pinkie gives a sharp inhale at the sight of the box. “She bought yous some of Bon Bon’s bonbons? Oooh, those’re so expensive...” Pinkie says, practically deflating.

“I’ll try it when I can open it myself.” I say, admiring my little action figures. “Wow, these are really good.”

“They feel like stone... hmm... rose quartz and onyx by the feel of ‘em.” Pinkie says, and as she lifts the figurines, I see that the Batman figure has little red eyes.

Odd, I feel like I should remember that... but I just can’t. Guess I’ve been out of the loop for too long. Still, I remember something about it, it’s not Bruce Wayne when Batman had red eyes it was... Damn, what was the name of that arc? Flash something. Oh well. “Okay, last one, let’s see what I got.”

Pinkie nods, putting the two figures on the side table, where they pose dramatically. “Alright, let’s see, oh, this one is from Ditzy, and from Dinky!” she opens the box, and a brick of letters is revealed, along with a single banana-nut muffin... that steams slightly as it comes out of the box. Even Pinkie looks perplexed as she sniffs it. “Huh, it’s... still good. In fact, it smells fresh...” she checks the date on the carefully-applied mail stamp. “Oh... it was delivered a half-hour before I brought the presents over. How did she know you were awake?” Pinkie asks, curiously.

“No idea, but I’m guessing these are all the fan letters I’ve gotten that didn’t come with gifts. I’ll-” Suddenly my entire body is wracked by a huge, shuddering yawn. “Ugh, I’ll read ‘em later. Feeling a... bit tired.”

“Oh, okay. You mind if I stay a little longer? You’re really warm.” Pinkie says, laying on my chest already, muzzle nuzzling my collarbone.

“Sure...” I snuggle her with my chin and close my eyes. Star Core must be running on fumes at this point... Still, she’s warm and comfy, and soft, too.

Waking up is slow, but colder than falling asleep was. It seems Pinkie left or had been moved since. Likely the latter, I doubt she’d just walk off without coming right back. Of all the gifts I got, I hate to say it but the ones that stand out the most are the little Spider-man and Batman figures. Mainly because they remind me just how far away from Earth I am. I wonder what Myrna knows about Earth now...

Still, what little I heard from her already is pretty bleak. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have much more to add. She did mention she was trying to fall asleep under a car, implying extreme homelessness on top of the other problems. I kinda feel like I should... Idunno, comfort her or something. But what can I do, depowered and bed-ridden?

Well, I was told the casts are just there to hold the salve stuff in place, so supposedly my arms and legs are fine but... even now I don’t feel a hundred percent.

That thing must have hit my Core hard, because... didn’t the nurse say ‘soul tearing’ magic? Shit, that’s serious stuff. I turn to the little bite button above me and think about what I could do while stuck here.

Eventually I come up empty and grab the thing in my mouth, which is very awkward, clearly meant for snout-based mouths rather than flat faces... but it makes a little beep noise so it worked.

A moment later, a nurse comes into the room. “There was a help request from this room?”

“Kinda. I was just wondering if there was any chance I could get out of here a bit sooner. Like, have some other way to help my limbs heal. Maybe a lotion or something I rub on them every two hours or so?”

“Er, not so much. The salve we have is basically already doing that. The biggest problem is that too much movement could re-open the cuts, and then you’d just have to come back here, and for longer. Most medical spells need to be calibrated by species, and well... there’s not exactly a lot of stars here on Terra to calibrate the spells for.”

“So I’m stuck here, great. Man this sucks.” I look out the window and the near-perfect scenery seems to be taunting me. “I just wanna be able to... Idunno, climb a tree or something, you know?”

“Er... not so much. That’s more of a pegasus sort of thing, sir.” the nurse replies, and I see she’s an earth pony.

“Sorry, it’s a thing that human kids do. I guess it’s easier for bipeds. Either way, bottom line is I hate not being able to do anything physical, I wanna be able to move.” I say, sighing.

“I can understand that sir, but if you went out now, you’d be worse off than before, and take longer to get out of casts you’d actually need. You’ll be fine though... if you’d like, I can bring in a book and help you turn the pages. We have a lot of copies of Daring Do-”

“I’ll pass.” I say, very nicely, strained smile on my face. “Though I did get a few books from Twilight, so I guess we could use those.”

“Oh, alright - do you know where they are?”

“Yeah, in that pile over there. It’s one of Blueish Carol’s books.” I say, gesturing to the assorted gifts I’d received.

The nurse heads over to the pile and begins poking around in it. “Hmm... I’m not sure where the books are... wait, I think they’re under this big box... no, nevermind, that’s a sweater. Hmm...” The nurse takes a step back to look over the pile of gifts with a critical eye.

“Is there a problem? I mean, other than the fact that I can make a room cluttered without moving, literally.”

“I’m just not sure how to get some of these things down to check under them, without probably scattering everything all over the place. Also, there’s a cake on top of everything else.”

“Yeah, I’d eat it but I can’t exactly get to it. Or hold a fork. Or position myself to eat it face-first.” I admit.

“... would you like some help with that? I can call for one of the unicorns on staff.”

“That would be a big help.” I say. I’m not a fan of being fed or similar babying but it’s better than having cake but not eating it. “Yeah, alright. Sorry about the book.”

“It’s no problem, I just don’t want to make a mess of your stuff. Give me a few minutes, and I’ll be back, okay?” she asks as she heads for the door.

“Go ahead. I’m sure not going anywhere.” I sigh.

She leaves, and a few minutes later a large, brown unicorn guy comes in, smiling gently. “Hello there, Mr. Anthony! How’re you feeling today? Nurse Fever Pitch said you needed some help with your arms in casts?”

“I got a cake as a ‘get well’ gift, but I can’t eat it.” I say. “I’ll be honest, I’m not too big on being fed by others but I don’t want to waste a cake.”

“Perfectly reasonable. I’ll just give you one bite at a time, and you can tell me when you’re full, okay?” His smile is bright and infectious, and he is offering me cake I could not otherwise eat.

“Thanks...” I say halfheartedly but honestly. “I’m ready when you are.”

“In that case, open wide!” His demeanor I recognize as one that is most often used when feeding children, but given his ‘doctor’s coat’ has a rubber duck embroidered into it, along with the tag ‘pediatrician’, I’m reasonably certain it’s purely out of reflex, not meant for me in particular.

Well, after a while the cake has a good fourth taken out of it and I’m finished. I’m just glad that the guy didn’t try making ‘train noises’ while feeding me. This is totally immature in all the uncool ways.

Once I’ve announced I’m done, he asks if I want a glass of milk.

I kind of do, but at the same time... “Nah, I’m good. I’ll just get back to... ceiling-watching.”

“Well, if you insist. I’d offer crayons, but that seems like it’d be in poor taste. I can draw a picture on your cast if you’d like though.”

I try to think of something that would cheer me up... “Can you draw a velociraptor eviscerating an evil clown?”

“... Not my usual request, and I’m not sure what a velociraptor is. If you can give me descriptions, I can give it a try though!”

“Okay, so a velociraptor is like this big, reptilian thing. Like a dragon, but no spines and giant dewclaws, teeth that are like triangular razorblades, general predatory dinosaur thing.”

“... Huh. Alright, let’s get a-drawin’!” He pulls out a large box of crayons and begins doodling and coloring on my cast, the magic aura far more steady on the curved surface than even hands would be, since the aura didn’t care about the direction the arm was in or having to worry about elbowing yourself in an attempt to continue a line around the arm.

Several minutes later, he shows me the picture... it’s not what I’d imagined. For one, the ‘raptor’ had spiky claws on every toe, and seemed to have literally no backbone and a mouth full of silver-colored triangles I assume resulting from a literal misinterpretation of ‘teeth like triangular razors’.

Still, it is successfully eviscerating a clown with creepy as fuck paint on.

“Not bad. I guess since your history doesn’t involve dinosaurs you don’t get them requested... at all, really, but not bad. Guess dinosaurs are native to Earth only.” I say, judging the painting. I noticed he ran out of red for the clown’s blood and switched to an off-purple, making it seem like an alien-clown. That’s even better. “Thanks. I’ll... wait, hold on.” I look over the pile and there’s the human backpack I was given by Shining Armor, still with coal inside it. I make a little velociraptor figure, and it honestly looks a ton better than what it would have if I’d sculpted it by hand. I set the figure down in front of the doctor. “See what the kids think of this.”

“Hmm, it looks like some kind of protodragon...” He mentions, picking it up and looking it over. “Still, that’s an impressive ability. You should try doing shows with it sometime; the foals at any hospital would certainly love it.”

“Yeah... already did that for a classroom. Went pretty well I think.” I say, recalling the events prior to the star-swallower episode.

“Oh, good! It never hurts to help, right?”

“Yeah... So anyway, that is a velociraptor,” I say, gesturing to the figurine. “But yours is... okay. Not bad without a frame of reference.”

“Sorry. Still, the casts’ll be off in a few days, right? You’re not in a long-term or ‘depressing’ ward, so I can’t think you’ll be here more than a month.”

“A month might as well be long term.” I say, a hint of complaint obvious in my voice. “I’m used to doing things. I get bored easily.”

“Sorry, buddy. I can stop by some time, play my banjo if that’ll help?” He asks, grinning hopefully.

“If you’re good with it, then heck yeah.” I say. “Just have more than one song to play.”

“Oh, I make up my songs on the spot. More spontaneous, y’know? Anyways, just ask for Nurse Wander if you need to see me or want to chat.”

“Fine...” I say, sighing as I just sort of decide to get used to utter boredom.

“Sorry again, buddy.”

Jump to top

Chapter 42

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Jump to top

Chapter 43

After what feels like several lifetimes and a century later, I’m released from the hospital. I don’t need the casts as the salve has healed me so I’m mobile on my own, but the ‘soul-tearing’ that the demon did is still affecting me, leaving me... basically human until my Core recharges. It’s not dead, but I wasn’t far off when I described it as running on fumes.

So, all the while on the train ride back to Ponyville, my palette of gifts stored on said train, I’m avoiding any form of power-usage. I also note how hungry I am, as well as how many nights at the hospital I spent actually sleeping rather than just zoning out. I’m like, 90% human at this point. I can still use powers, but it’s weak as hell. Can’t speed up, can’t grow ginormous... The best I can do is manipulate coal a tiny bit. Everything else causes discomfort, nausea, and in extreme cases, pain.

Life’s a bitch.

Cricking my neck and getting up once the train enters the station, I step off the train and am greeted by the Element Bearers, Apple Bloom and the CMC frontline center, and the rest of the tiny crowd is what I assume is my little local fanbase.

Not exactly a “hero’s reception” given... well there’s no real celebration or flags or anything, just a bunch of ponies happy to see me. The biggest greeting I get is when I’m heading back to the library. A few ponies are helping me carry the various gifts I got, and some random ponies adding their own tiny donations to the pile and waving hello. Okay, I admit it, I kinda missed Ponyville after Wunderland and my little recovery vacation.

I get about halfway to the library when the palette I’m carrying suddenly gets a shitload lighter. I turn and I see a big green tube basically carrying the palette along like a conveyor belt, and Myrna sorta sidles up to me, hands tucked into her hoodie.

The huge gorgon gave me a smile from under her hood. “So, I heard from a trio of little birds that you wanted to talk with me?”

“Oh, right, yeah. Let’s get to the library and set this stuff down. I have a few questions I wanted to ask you.” I say, staring at her just ‘carrying’ the entire mound of presents on her tail/back/whatever all by herself. The other ponies had dispersed. “You... don’t need a hand with that?”

“Hmm? Oh, no, not really. Snake muscles are really strong, and, well...” she points at the girth of her tail. “Yeah, there’s a lot of muscle to go around back there.” she says, chuckling.

“You’re getting used to the ah, changes then?” I ask. She does look quite a bit more comfortable than when I last chatted with her.

“Y’know, I really am. When I first got here, I was so... so scared I’d lose myself, but other than the whole ‘likes the sun more’ thing, I don’t feel any different. Well, that and when I get hungry, I get really hungry, but still.”

“Speaking of, I’m not exactly a Herpetologist, but I know a bit about snakes. Twilight or I could probably see how much of you is... changed.”

Myrna laughs. “You’re just trying to get a closer look at me, aren’t ya?” she shoots back, a teasing note in her voice.

“Let’s save that discussion for later.” I say, nudging her arm as we approach the library, drawing further laughter from her. I begin taking stuff down off of Myrna’s back and take it inside. I come out for the next armload. “You got a quadrate bone?”

“A what now?” she asks, blinking as she also begins moving stuff off her back and stacking it nearer the door.

“Can you open your mouth big enough to, say, swallow a VW Bug?” I clarify. “That’s the part of a snake’s mouth that lets it eat things whole without taking bites.”

“Oh! Idunno about a VW Bug, but there was a moment where I accidentally scared Sweetie Bell pretty badly; she saw me eating a particularly large turkey, and she said she thought I’d been eating a pony, curled up.”

I quirk an eyebrow as I grab the last load. “Wait, cooked turkey, or..?”

She heaves a sigh. “Cooked, yeah, but I was eating it at night by the pond; I get hungry at weird times of the week.”

“Take it you have a snake’s metabolism at least. So anyways, I guess we can save the science for later. I figure I should get to know you since we’re gonna be stuck here for a while.” I say, before clarifying. “In Ponyville, or at least Equestria, I mean.”

“Oh? You gonna try to whip out the ol’ date-o-meter?” she asks.

“I’ll have you know I have an entirely different way of how I rate-and-date girls.” I warn. “If you want some of this, you’ll need to earn it. As of now, consider yourself officially friendzoned.” I then take the chance to boop her nose.

She jerks her head back, going cross-eyed for a moment, before puffing out her cheeks and giggling again. She just seems so bubbly today.

“So,” I continue. “Assuming I’m catching you at the right time, wanna find somewhere to eat? I find myself getting hungry again and hospital food from the big city is great and all, but I’m getting real tired of the twenty-five flavors of salad.”

“Oh? You not fully back to super-hero status?” she asks, sounding a bit concerned.

“Nope, Phil’s being a real stickler, more than usual.” I say as I begin rummaging through my spread-out presents, looking for a specific box.

“Phil?” she asks, sounding confused.

“Kingdom Hearts joke, don’t mind it.”

“Oh! The satyr from Hercules!” she says, face brightening up.

“Yeah. To be clear, I’m physically one-hundred percent by now, but my star core is fucked up from that fight.”

“Oh, owch... well, yeah, I know a couple places. Depends on if you want meat, which narrows it down to one place, or if you don’t mind going vegetarian for the day, which opens an awful lot of possibilities.”

“I’d kill for a ham sandwich right about now.” I say, somewhat exaggeratedly. Either way, I find the box I’m looking for and grab it, gesturing for Myrna to lead on.

“Oh, right now? Alright.” she says, before sliding towards town, leading me through the marketplace. The ponies in town are happily hawking their wares, a few stopping to wave to me or Myrna in passing. All in all, the day’s going pretty well, slightly overcast as it is, and she brings me to an out-of-the-way restaurant. It looks a little fancy, but there’s what looks like an outdoor patio being built with a big pit underneath that I have to question.

“Well...” I begin as I inspect the place. “It doesn’t look like a standard Ponyvillian place. This part of some kind of chain, or one of those ‘foreign cuisine’ places?”

“Little of one, little of the other. The guy who set this place up is a Gryphon, and he’s got a bunch of dishes that are, basically, german. I don’t mean they just look it, I mean the menu looks like it’s in german mixed with french, but the food’s amazing. It’s also the only place I’ve ever been to that’ll sell you a ten-person platter of fish even if you’re alone.”

“Yeah, griffons are carnivorous as I recall, meaning most of this stuff is meat-based as well.” I walk in as I continue talking. “I can understand this working somewhat in an Earth pony town, but probably wouldn’t even be allowed to exist up in Canterlot.”

“Apparently, his brother has a pretty good shop, but he has to sell everything in teeny tiny amounts so that it’s ‘avant garde’. The chef here prefers to make real amounts of food.” she says, before simply ducking her head into the doorway, and I realize that her shoulders are broader than the frame of the door.

That, and I didn’t have to duck, meaning that the restaurant proportions are apparently meant for access by a larger species, making her ducking even more surprising. She is big. I set the box in my hands onto a table to claim it, looking around, thinking aloud. “So if this is gonna be in Germanic-French I’m probably just gonna get something simple to understand...”

Myrna chuckles. “Well, first of all, we’re gonna wanna sit outside.” she says, as a pony in a waiter’s outfit comes up, his face lighting up as he spots the gorgon.

“Aah, Myrna! Back for your weekly meal?” he asks in a joking tone; it seems she’s made more friends than just with the element bearers and a few others.

“Oh, it’s with a friend; Anthony’s here with me.” she explains, nodding in my direction, and he whirls, looking surprised. “Heh, yeah. And if we can get one of the translated menus? He hasn’t had the time to memorize one yet.” The waiter nods, then scurries back into the restaurant, Myrna motioning for me to follow her outside.

I grab the box and as I walk outside and see myrna setting up by the unfinished patio, and I still have to wonder about that pit under it. “Popular around here, aren’t you?” I joke as I set down the box again.

“Oh, yeah, a bunch of the earth pony construction workers fancy a good source of protein, and group lunches are so much easier to buy for fifteen ponies than fifteen individual lunches. And since I’ve been helping them out, I started chatting with the staff, and I met the chef... he’s super-nice, by the way, but his accent is both atrocious and inconsistent, I need to warn you. He had three different instructors in the language, and, well... yeah.” she says, curling up on herself and using her body as a cushion to lay on.

I take my seat, and after a minute or so we’re given our menus, mine in what is listed as ‘Equestrian’. I sigh and begin looking through it, searching for something that looks interesting. To my surprise, there’s actually a decent series of good-sounding dishes, all of them with the description underneath and a useful little warning if it contains meat, contains fish, contains dairy, or if it contains nut products. Good to know both dietary and allergy issues are taken into account here; I hadn’t seen those warnings in other restaurants around Ponyville.

A dozen or so different foods ending in ‘wurst’ over two pages of the seven-page menu, and the serving sizes range from two people to... fourteen?! Dayum, that’s a lot of food. Sides are ordered as part of getting a meal, drinks are considered part of what you’re paying for when you get a meal, even the dessert is part of the price. Potato dumplings, thick noodle dishes, potato fries, au gratin, baked potatoes... okay, most of the sides are potatoes or noodles.

The desserts, though, are much more varied. Everything from pancake-like stuff, sweet cakes, pies, more cakes, more things on a stick than you could shake that stick at... If I get stuck as a normal human for a long time, I’m gonna end up being the fattest star in existence afterwards.

Either way, I pick out a ‘small’ plate of what seems to be a sausage-based dish in some form of spicy sauce. Eh, nothing ventured... While the waiter is relaying our orders, I take a breath and figure I might as well try my hand at small talk. “So, how do you feel living in Ponyville?”

“It’s pretty good, actually.” Myrna’s reply seems fairly rote, but my question was pretty standard. “I think I’ve really been helping out here. Most of the ponies can’t afford things like slate roofing, or clay roofing tiles, both of which help prevent fires. Thanks to a certain group of small children, those are apparently rather common these days.” That and tree sap.

“Yeah, a few little birds told me you’re getting along with the Crusaders.” I say, recalling their reactions. “Any particular trouble dealing with them?”

Myrna laughs at my question. “Hardly! Though they do present the problem of needing to be caught more often than not; I’d never before known just how many things you can do with a catapult that will, apparently, get someone a cutie-mark, even if it doesn’t work for those four.”

I blink. “They made a catapult... of course they did.” A sigh leaves my mouth. “Guess my suggestion of them having a lemonade stand didn’t satisfy them enough.”

She chuckles, still visibly amused by all this. “Oh, I think your suggestion only exacerbated the problem. They tried using the catapult to deliver lemonade.” She pauses for a moment to giggle some more. “It worked as well as expected; after about six tries they kept it in a covered container when launching it!”

I facepalm “These kids man... This is one reason why I’m never gonna be a dad.”

Myrna feigns a shocked expression. “But they’re such angels! How could you ever see them as anything but great? How dare you not want a million of them.” she says with a teasingly pompous voice and a haughty ‘hmmph!’

“Because with my luck, they’ll end up like me, that’s why.” I explain, rolling my eyes. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I really like the Crusaders, but they’re just so... Idunno. It makes me feel like I need to... I’m not really sure but I get these ‘big brother’ type of protective urges around them... And I’ve never been a big brother.”

Myrna smiles a little more broadly, starting to edge into the creepy side of things, and says, “Well, I think that’s a far better recommendation than you seem to realize; dads do need to be protective and all.”

“I’m just worried I’d screw up somewhere and I can’t bear the thought of having a kid be the thing that’s screwed up. I mean... I just don’t see myself doing a good job in the long run.” I sigh. “Anyways, onto other things. I’ve been thinking a bit about... things.”

“Oooh~?” she leans forward, propping her head up on her hands.

“Well, I know I’m not exactly man of the year or anything, and most of my heroic accomplishments amount to me beating the crap out of people and landing myself in the hospital. I want something... more in my life, but I can’t figure anything out.” I explain, and I try to focus on her eyes rather than her teeth, which still creep me out.

“Well, do you have any actual hobbies here? I don’t just mean ones from before you got to this world, I mean ones applicable here.”

I hang my head. “Mostly I played video games. Other than that and reading comics I didn’t have a whole lot going on.” I remember the presents she sent me. “Speaking of comics, where’d you get inspiration for your gifts?”

She blushes at my question. “Well, I basically made the ones I liked and hoped for the best.”

I study her facial expression for a bit, before I figure she has no reason to lie about this sort of thing. “Well, they just happen to be my favorites and I don’t really see how anyone could know that without taking a blind guess, mind magic aside.”

“Seriously? I expected Batman, he’s everyone’s favorite, but not enough people are Spider-Man fans.”

“I like the idea of a guy who gains moderate-to-incredible powers but still has to manage a normal life at the same time, starting from the bottom heroically and socially and having to fight his way to the top, and making it, with pretty much everything going against him. He’s by far one of the most admirable characters from a completely human standpoint. That and he can do some fricken’ awesome moves.”

Myrna nods. “My personal favorites were the story arcs where he overcame his own weaknesses - both the ones in his powers and his personal ones - with clever devices, smart planning, and a whole lot of skill.” she comments, eyes starting to wander off in though.

I nod. “I like it when a character grows and changes as the story continues, like a real person changing over time to deal with newer and newer problems. Like when he started bashing Spider-Man at school to hide his identity, and now he’s... well, I don’t know where he is now, given I’ve been ‘gone’ for so long.” I stare off in my own direction. “I have friends but... I don’t wanna lose touch, y’know?”

“Yeah, I understand, sorta...” she says, looking to the side with a darker look in her eyes.

I decide to change the subject. “So where exactly do you stay at nights? I can’t imagine it’s very comfortable outside at night.”

“Hmm? Oh, I’ve been sleeping in a few of the trees, and sometimes the lake.” I stare for a few moments. “Compared to broken bricks and twisted steel, being able to sleep on something that respects your spine is amazing.”

“Yeah well, when your spine is several feet long and almost entirely prehensile...” I say. “I finally got a bed my size to sleep in and when I do bother to sleep I always wake up sore.”

She barks a laugh at my comment. “I’m actually no more flexible above the waist than anyone else, Anthony. As for the bed... try sleeping in a tree. If you can find a comfy spot on the branches, they’ll cradle you all night.” she suggests. “Oh! And speaking of friends, I met this nice lady who makes carrot cake, homemade. Oh, I haven’t had carrot cake in almost fifteen years, but hers are so good... You make any friends around here that bake, other than Pinkie?”

“She’s the main one. Pretty sure Applejack bakes too, but we’re mainly acquaintances. Not sure about the others.”

“Applejack’s the one out on the farm, right? Younger sister of Big Macintosh? Elder to Applebloom?”

“Yeah, I don’t see her much but her sister is great, so most of what I know about her I hear from her family. AJ always gives me this odd look.”

“Huh, weird. I’ve only talked to her once or twice, and after she knew I wasn’t gonna turn her to stone or anything she warmed up to me. That said, I see her brother and sister way more often. I’ve been sleeping in the bad orchard by the Everfree for the most part, and he’s the one that tends to that, usually.”

I nod. “So speaking of the Everfree, you ever do any exploring in there?”

“Eh, a little. I’ve actually gotten a decent job with a construction company that does a ton of business out here. They normally have a hard time getting solid stone foundations set up, and I’ve been a big help on that score.” Her expression turns proud, “I can anchor something directly to the bedrock without damaging the stone or putting any kind of stress fractures in it or anything.”

“So you’re pretty strong, good. My main reason for asking is that there’s a hive of Changelings out in the forest.”

“A hive of... changelings? Like the kids stolen when faeries leave their own kids?” she asks, sounding confused.

“Nah, they’re... uh... I’m not sure really. They look like ponies but they’re all insectoid. I inadvertently saved their lives and now I’ve basically been appointed as on-call bodyguard for the new queen, but so far I haven’t been called in for anything.”

“... Huh.” she says. I can’t blame her; having heard what I just said, I don’t really know what to follow it up with either; it sounds like something out of a fantasy novel, except I’m not married to the Queen.

I change topics. “Anyways, I uh... yeah. You’ve been here for a while.” I suddenly come up with a question. “Have you met the princesses?”

“I’ve met one; Celestia. She seemed really nice, though she was pretty concerned about the ‘turns people to stone by accident’ thing I’ve got going. Thankfully, she said she’d just have someone act like a case manager and keep an eye out for me. Idunno who it is, though.”

“Twilight’s my... well, keeper is the more appropriate word in my case. She studies me, follows me around sometimes, generally watches me.”

“Ah, gotcha. I asked to have whomever it is keep it a secret. I know someone’s watching, and I’ll be more than happy to just assume everyone here is generally nice.” she pauses. “And even though they’re all pretty nice, have you noticed that there’s only weirdos in this town?” she says. “Like, back on Earth, every city had weirdos, but Ponyville is nothing but crazy people. Even by pony standards.”

“It’s Ponyville. If you’re odd and just don’t really fit in anywhere else, you’ll likely end up here. It’s a weirdness magnet according to locals. Especially since Twi and I got here.”

“Oh, that I can believe.” she stops, looking over my head as the sound of clip-clopping hooves approaches. “Ah, there’s lunch.” She licks her lips with her narrow tongue, and my plate is set before me... I think I may have ordered too much.

My plate is on one side of my half of the table, then a pot of the spicy sauce, then a pile of potatoes, a stack of sauerkraut, a full-sized pickle, and pitcher full of iced water is set down in rapid succession. Myrna’s plate is even bigger and more loaded, and has a little flag in it with a smiley face drawn on it, evidently from the cook.

“I’m gonna need a box.” I say.

Jump to top

Chapter 44

Our meals are ‘finished’ rather quickly. Mine was mostly packed into a giant doggie bag for the rest of the week. Myrna just sort of gulped hers down.

Still sitting at the table, having paid already and just hanging around before leaving, I’m a bit at a loss for what to do. “So... read any books lately?” Eh, it’s something I guess.

Myrna gives a huge yawn, showing off her razor-blade-sharp, needle-like teeth, disturbing me greatly. I just try to recompose myself and repeat my question. Jeez her mouth is terrifying. “Ah... A few, namely one on Gryphon politics in the last couple centuries. City-state politics are always interesting to look over.”

“I’m more of a fiction reader... I like darker or more strenuous stories. The Compound, Hunger Games, Bad Monkeys, that sort of deal.” I explain. “I read comedy too, but it’s less of an impact beyond a quick laugh.”

“Oh, I loved the Hunger Games! But there’s just not that many books like that here in Ponyville, and Twilight was intrigued at the idea of a connected inter-library loan system beyond private collectors lending to other collectors. Ponies have a surprising amount of modern-ish developments, but some things are literally medieval...”

I sigh. “You’ll get used to it... kinda. I’ve just been assuming everything is done ‘the old way’ unless proven otherwise. Not a huge history buff, never liked it in school or reading about it on my own. I need... stimulation.”

“Oooooh my~” she croons, in a reasonable imitation of George Takei’s voice.

“Mind, meet gutter. Is that all you think about?” I tease back.

“Nah, sometimes I think about what to eat instead.”

“Odd that fate chose a snake over a dog for you.” I muse out loud. “If you can’t eat it or fuck it, piss on it and walk away.”

“Sounds more like a cat to me; ‘cept I’d be sleeping often enough for that. I mean, c’mon, just laying back in the sun and letting your dreaming mind take over for a while... a lot less stressful, that’s for sure.”

“Eh, stress is the way I know I’ve still got something wrong with me.”

“Exactly!” she says. “It’s awful, I’d rather have everything right so I have more time to do what I want. But... that doesn’t get bills paid or food in my belly, y’know.”

“Stress is like pain. Having it around keeps you humble and reasonable about what’s possible. Sorry to get all philosophical and depressing, I’m just not completely... together here.”

She laughs, but it sounds hollow to me. “Oh, trust me, I understand that rather well.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

I nod. We all have our problems. “So what’s your long-term plan? You gonna stay around here, or do some travelling?”

“Stay here, honestly. I like the people here, it’s not too eventful nor too boring... And I’ve already lost enough that I don’t want to lose more by walking away from them.”

“Walking away more or less helps me cope, but whenever I try to physically leave, it’s met with issues.” I lean forward a bit and just sort of look Myrna over for like the thirtieth time. She’s nice, if a little Uncanny Valley...

I stop staring as blatantly when she turns and catches me, blushing in response to my gaze. Still, she doesn’t look uncomfortable, surprisingly enough.

“Ahem...” she clears her throat, “So, what about your plans?”

I notice her snakes are all different colors, ranging from a spring green, to a muddy brown-green, a grey-blue, a fairly common green, and a darker, hunter’s green. I’m about to point this out when I realize what her actual question was. “I dunno, probably stick around as long as I can stand. Actually had a chat with Spike about that... I might just try and reestablish an old hobby or start a new one. Just sort of... exist until I’m tired of it.”

She nods. “That’s not a bad outline, but you should put a bit more thought into it. I think I’m going to look into what it takes to get mining rights in some of the deeper parts of the land around here. Ponies will, apparently, pay quite a bit for large or lustrous gems, and I’ve run across a few that’d make an Earth jeweler go catatonic from their eyegasm on seeing it.”

I shrug. “Dunno much about how gems work around here, but I know Rarity likes using them in almost everything. I just assumed they were shiny, fairly valuable trinkets to them. Apparently diamonds are a big deal... sort of. They seem to have importance, but not for being rare or particularly worth a lot of money.” I think back to my first time making one. “I mean, I showed up with a large one and Twilight flipped shit thinking I stole it, but after that she was more impressed by how I got it than what it was.”

“Something about magic batteries, I think. Idunno, maybe they carry a magic charge or however it works. I was told by some of the construction workers to snag any big rubies or emeralds if I saw any, but there aren’t very many under the town itself.” she says, shrugging helplessly. “I never got a really clear explanation on why they’re more valuable when Rarity had me literally just scoop up armfuls of them for her that one time.”

“I think they have different purposes based on who uses them. If they’re magical, then that’s clearly not what Rarity uses them for, but if they aren’t then why make such a big deal about stealing one if they’re so common? Ponies are weird. I’d just like a bit more human interaction sometimes.”

“Right? And, well, neither of us are particularly outgoing, if anything I’ve seen of you is true. And there’s not exactly a lot of humans around to socialize with...”

“More than you think.” I mumble before speaking up again. “Though I can be outgoing, it just requires me being truly excited with something, and that doesn’t happen often. I’ve been accused of ‘enjoying misery’ by a few counselors, but they never knew me very well so I don’t really give any credit to what they say. I just sort of... default to negativity.”

“Yeah, lots of people do that.” she pats me on the shoulder ‘gently’, though the pats sting more than I think she intended. “Most people sit just a few layers below ‘happy’, it lets them get to happy easily, and have it be a high point in their day when they do.”

“I just don’t get why the ponies can have ‘generally happy’ be a default expression as a whole society... It gets a little weird at times. I get Pinkie has this sort of ‘happy’ filter to avoid depression, but that can’t be shared by everyone, y’know?”

“Yeah... Idunno, I was only taking philosophy for the college credits, it wasn’t really my thing. Now, if we were to get into socioeconomics of pre-industrial societies...” she trails of with a self-indulgent chuckle.

I nod and figure we’ve been sitting at this table pointlessly for long enough, but can’t think of anything else to do. “So... I’ve never really taken any ‘serious’ college classes, and even then it was for nothing but personal enrichment, I sometimes feel like I need to know more stuff, but how to learn it is just sort of... up in the air. Didn’t exactly function well in school.” I think back to elementary school and the recollection of ‘simpler times’ makes me smile. “Though... there are a few gems.”

Of course, this little back-and-forth couldn’t last forever, due to the somewhat-acute hearing of a purple unicorn. “Oh, are you talking about school?” I glare at Twilight. “What?”

“Were you invited?” I ask rhetorically.

“Uhm... no, but... I just thought, well... I just overheard...”

I grump back. “Why don’t you just-”

“Oh, Anthony, it’s alright. We’re just here as friends, like you said, right?” I can hear a bit of a jab in Myrna’s voice, but I suppose she’s right... and she is half the conversation.

“Yeah, alright. What do you want, bookworm?”

Twilight sighs. “Well, it’s a step above ‘egghead’ I suppose. Actually, I was hoping to talk to you a bit about what you’re going through, with the soul-tearing.”

I just eye the pony. Blinking slowly. “And?”

“And right now, maybe inform you on how to be a bit more approachable to others.”

I just continue my glance. “I’m as approachable as I want to be.”

“She’s just trying to help.” Myrna says, looking at me with a minor touch of disapproval in her voice.

“Yeah... lots of people try to help. Fine, what’s your advice, O great wise one?”

“Less defensive sarcasm, for one.” Twilight instructs. “It makes it hard to gauge your actual feelings sometimes, and makes it difficult to know how to react to you.”

“My feelings are personal.” I explain. “I tend to keep personal things personal.”

“Well, that’s a big problem. If you just bottle everything up, you don’t have any way for pon- people to understand you very well.”

“Bingo. Right on the nose.”

She sighs. “Why do you like being difficult?” Twilight asks, a little exhausted.

“Because if I was easy, then I’d be less entertaining to you. I know people like you. You like puzzles. Consider me your final exam, one you never studied for.” I explain. “I have my reasons for being me, and if you really had everything answered immediately, you’d be lost and confused by the answers.”

Twilight furrows her brows. “So... you’re doing this...” she says, haltingly as she pieces things together, “... to make friends with me?” she concludes. “That’s so sweet!” she says, face suddenly going bright as she pronks in place like Pinkie a few times. “I’d better go brush up on my psychology studies!” she says, sounding gleeful, zipping off without a further word.

I prop my head up with my arm and roll my eyes at her retreating figure. “Moron...”

Myrna eyes me. “How so, exactly?”

I sigh and turn back to my not-date. “She’s so excitable, she’s going to throw herself at the problem energetically. I’m kind of like the reverse of a magnet when things try to ‘figure me out’. If you aren’t on a matching ‘pole’ or ‘wavelength’ it just sort of bounces off.” I think of another way to put it. “I’m more likely to open up if you find a way to excite me or make me switch gears. I’ve seen a lot of counselors in my time and it sort of made me realize that knowing me, or rather understanding me, should be something that’s earned, not just given.”

Myrna sighs. “... We should probably at least get her distracted with something else in a day or two; she reminds me of my older brother. He had a bad tendency to study for a day or two before remembering to eat or sleep or anything.”

I shrug. “As far as I’ve been told, doing exactly that is what Spike’s job as her assistant entails, at least in part. And seeing as how Spike seems to be more level-headed of the two, I think she’ll be fine.”

Myrna nods. “Sounds fair enough, then. Oh, hey, have you seen my stone-hands trick? I can’t remember if I showed you or Twilight...” she trails off, thinking.

“I haven’t seen it.” I say. “Do you just make stone wrap around your hands and use them like gauntlets?”

“Sorta; it’s easier out here. Fewer floorboards and foundations.” she says, then straightens up, making a clenching motion with both hands, then pulling up - but there’s visible strain as she does so, something resisting her motion.

A few seconds of this, and nothing seems to be happening, until a trickle of grey dust flows from the ground underneath us, narrow ribbons flowing up from nearly a dozen locations on the ground, covering her hands completely in rough globs of stone.

And, as if to show off a step further, she opens her hands with a flick of her wrists as the last of the rocky ribbons vanished into the stone coatings, and her hands are suddenly covered to the elbows in heavy-looking platemail gauntlets with little snake patterns on them in insanely tiny detail. She opens her eyes slowly, panting a bit as she turns to face me again, face flushed.

I admit, I’m impressed. “Pretty good; I assume a full set of armor up to the shoulders would be a bit hard to keep together?”

“Actually, all the effort is in pulling up the stone from so far down; I went for good bedrock material, and this is solid granite. And I can actually put on a full suit if I go right through the stone itself, I just carry the stuff I want through the other side with me.” she says, pride in her voice.

“Interesting, so you have a sort of selective intangibility with stone...” I study the gauntlets further. The detail is really amazing.

“Well, it’s not like intangibility. It feels more like when I’m swimming, actually. Well, except that I don’t really see anything, but all the different types of dirt and stone and stuff are... Idunno, highlighted? Uh, separated? I don’t really know how to explain it. They’re all different down there, but I’m not really seeing anything when I’m swimming like that.”

“Like echolocation.” I suggest. “Or rather, a built-in radar receiver, each type gives off a unique signal you can tune into and identify.”

She shrugs. “I have literally no idea what to compare it to, but we can go with that.” she says. “But it’s really cool, and the stone just stays... flexible when I’m wearing it. Here, feel it!” she says, sticking out an arm near my face.

I reach out, curious, and touch the cold, hard stone. “Uhm... no, it’s pretty solid.”

She blinks. “That’s... weird. It feels flexible to me. More like heavy kitchen gloves or something.” she says, eyeing her armwear and poking at it. Sure enough, it flexes slightly under her touch, in the same spot I’d had no luck.

I take the gauntlet and sort of feel around it, looking for a crease or something, and I don’t really get anywhere, as if it had always been the shape it’s in. “It could be like... memory foam. You shape it, and it stays in that form... but only you can tell it how to take shape since it’s your power...” studying the gauntlet continues as I think of more possibilities.

“Maybe... I hadn’t really had anyone try touching it before. Guess you learn something new every day, right?” she chuckles. “Oh, and you can do things with coal, right?”

“Yeah, but I’ve only experimented a little... sort of. I haven’t really done as much analysis as I have tried doing random tricks.”

“Huh, alright. I grabbed some at one point on request; there’s a big seam of it under Ponyville. It was... weird, though. It felt... y’know how you describe something as oily or greasy, but it’s closer to oil on wax?” she asks, fumbling for words.

“Not really sure, but it makes sense, you seem attuned more to stone, and coal being mostly carbon I’m sure it would be a bit of a stretch to call it ‘actual rock’. Though I already tried moving charcoal around and that failed, so whatever my power is it’s related to coal as a material, not its carbon makeup. That said, while I have tried making things with a lot of detail, I can’t make it very sturdy at the same time.” Whereas Myrna’s gauntlets are thick and sturdy with plenty of detail. I continue my physical studies of the construct, sort of trying to see how it works as a solid to me, but so malleable to her. It’s not innate muscle-strength because it doesn’t break, it molds.

“So it’s not very sturdy if you put in a lot of detail? Owch... have you tried carrying something else using the coal to do something? Like, uhm... oh, like carrying a key to unlock a door without going near it?” she asks, eyes glittering with enthusiasm.

I smile. “See, this would get me to be friends with Twilight, if she thought to talk about it. Or, I dunno, relating me to a person rather than a science experiment. Too clinical, not very personal.”

I pause as she says something I hadn’t expected while inspecting her arm: “Y’know, my eyes are up here.” I look up to see her impish grin, and I can only guess at my own expression.

I sigh. “You’re gonna keep trying, aren’t you?” I ask. “Don’t care how much you try to make it seem otherwise, I’m not into you like that... yet.”

“I know, but you’ve been staring at my hands like you’ve got a fetish for almost four minutes straight. What else was I going to say, ‘Hey, look at my tits so I can stop feeling weird about your gaze’?”

“Hah, if you think I give two shits about a couple giant sacks of natural fat hanging off of your chest like some kind of oversized, distended leech...”

“... I don’t know if I should feel glad you aren’t going to try getting into my now-entirely-metaphorical pants, or insulted by the way you worded that.”

“Think carefully. Or don’t. Maybe it’ll impact the relationship. Maybe it won’t.” I grin. “Not fun if there’s no guessing involved.”

She rolls her eyes and laughs a bit. “Pfft, whatever, you goofball.” she says, then yawns. “Whoo, it’s been a long day...” she says, and I eye the sun, still only three-quarters of the way across the sky.

“Metabolism of a snake alright.” I surmise. “Comme un petit cochon.”

“... I think that was french, right?” she says. “Was that a direct translation, or a different phrase?”

I laugh. “It’s something my mother used to say. And yes, it’s a specific phrase, as for what it means or why I said it...”

“Oh, you can’t just weasel out of it like this, c’mon, what’s it mean?” she asks, sliding closer to me with a grin.

“It means you don’t get to know if it’s an insult or not. You’ll have a lot of those with me, fair warning.”

She suddenly lunges forward, and I’m reminded that I’m no longer faster than a striking snake she she grabs me and pulls me into a hold. “Nuh-uh, ya gotta tell me.” she says, giggling.

“Hmmm... do I? Really?” I ask in fake wonderment.

“Yup. It’s the rules.” she says, holding me in an actually rather comfy hug, my arms pinned to my sides by her own, the stoney coatings shed at some point in the last few minutes.

“Since when have I followed the rules?” I ask. “Aren’t rules meant to be broken?”

“Not mine, duh.” she jokes. “Besides, I have seventeen inches of tongue, and your ears are easy targets. I’ve been both an older and younger sibling. I can make you talk.”

I decide to make a dirty comment just to gauge her reaction. “If you use that tongue elsewhere I’ll do more than talk...”

“Now who’s the one dropping innuendos?” she taunts right back, pulling me backward until my head is right between her breasts. Somewhat comfortable, even if they’re not what I’m looking for in a woman.

“The one who finds it fun at the time, of course. That’s what innuendo is for, right?”

She sticks several inches of tongue out at me and blows a raspberry, and it’s rather interesting to note that her tongue isn’t flat like most snake tongues look, but rather smooth and rounded until the split at the end. Though it’s still broader than it is thick.

“I bet that tongue comes in handy, certainly makes scaring little children easy, if the teeth didn’t work.” That one was mainly to gauge how she feels about her new body, if she’s comfortable, I can keep going, if not...

She chuckles again, and I can feel her ribcage on the back of my head. “If I really wanted to scare small children, I’d just show them what adulthood really brings: Taxes and back hair.”

“And responsibility.” I add. “So, are we going somewhere else or just gonna keep bantering at this restaurant all evening? I’m open to either”

“Well, you’re the one dodging the original question: what was the meaning of the phrase you used?”

“Just a comment about being tired after a meal.” I grin widely. “Now then, how about we find somewhere a bit more comfortable. I don’t particularly mind my current position, but I can’t say I’m a huge fan of being pulled backwards by the chest.”

“Oh, fine... I know you’re not being entirely honest about that comment. Either way th-” she’s cut off by a sudden yawn from her. “Ugh... either way, I do need to get to sleep somewhere, I have an early morning shift, after all.” she pauses for a moment, letting me get a word in.

“Alright, but next time you want to avoid a return hug, you should just say it.” I smile. I’m not sure if this counts as flirting or friendly banter... I’m fine with either, just a sort of self-imposed question.

“Alright, alright.” she says, before setting me down - and sneaking in a quick peck on my cheek. “G’night, Anthony!” she says, before slipping into the ground beside the restaurant, and vanishing.

I am very, very glad she already paid the check.

Jump to top

Chapter 45

Meandering around town, I just sort of go wherever the road takes me and should I come to a fork, I just pick a random direction. Not really considering where I’m going or why, I have other things on my mind. I mean, I do want this relationship with Myrna to work, but I don’t wanna rush it or wreck it. I suppose I could use some advice, but all immediate options for who I could ask seem like bad ideas.

That combined with my weakened state, as far as powers go at least, has me rather distracted. It doesn’t feel too good to be so... mortal, when I could be needed at any moment. I mean, I haven’t been called by that little alert-crystal, but it still feels like something bad might happen, especially when I’m not at the top of my game... or rather, lacking any ‘game’ at all.

It’s odd feeling sleepy, or hungry, or anything like that. I feel so... fragile. Mortal. I wonder if this will affect my lifespan at all, and I’m aging at a human rate. Sometimes I wish there was someone I could ask about this kind of thing, but nobody comes to mind. There is Luna, but she and I aren’t on the best of terms, even if I do want to fix things. She’s certainly gotten the short end of the stick from what I’ve seen and heard. I know what it’s like, having an older sister and basically being the subordinate, less important, not to mention a punching bag and butt monkey.

After wandering all over town, I end up back at the library and, feeling the tiredness I haven’t known for a while banging in my head, I step inside. In the library proper I see Twilight reading a book on psychological studies, as she said she’d do. She’s actually going to try and figure me out, it seems. Well, I’m not gonna make it easy.

Thankfully, she seems too absorbed in the book to notice me as I walk by, leaving small slips of paper between the pages with notes scrawled on them. The writing is unusually dense and cramped, Twilight’s note-taking ‘handwriting’ very different than the one she uses for normal purposes like letters and lists.

Out of pure curiosity, and kind of wanting to know what progress she thinks she’s made, I look at one of the notes, reading the spidery and squeezed message.

The writing’s contents appears to be in shorthand, but I get the gist of it; the note she’s putting in there now is about destructive personalities and violent personalities. Figures.

I head into the kitchen, and drop off the several-meals sized leftovers I had. I head for my room and decide I’m going to write a letter to someone, though who it is I send it to depends on the contents. Swiping a quill, inkwell, and blank rolls of parchment off Twi’s desk, I sit down and ponder what I want to write. I could... hmmm... Who do I know who could offer advice for... whatever issue I choose to tackle. How about my current relationship status with Myrna?

Hmm... They need to have a good knowledge of love... a decent idea of what they’re doing... and probably high-enough ranked that they won’t feel I’m trying to force something out of them. Getting advice from a sullen advisor is a terrible idea.

Yeah... Gonna have to be Cadence.

Alright, let’s get started I guess.

~~Dear Princess Cade~~
~~Hey Caden~~
Dear Cadence,

~~How do I~~
~~Is there an easy wa~~
~~What’s the best way to~~
~~I like someone and~~
~~I need advice with~~
~~What do you know about relationsh~~
~~What should I do about~~
~~Do women~~
~~I feel~~
~~So I have a friend who totally isn’t me with a problem an~~
~~How do you tell wh~~
~~Is it awkward to~~
~~Is there an easy way to say~~
~~When should I~~
~~I’m feeling~~
HELP

I stare down at the mess of scratched out words, and the huge letters at the bottom of the page, before I sign it and let my head hit the desk with a loud thump. “Uuuurgh, why do feelings have to suck so much to talk about, even without talking?”

“Uh, you got a problem?” Spike asks, coming in and looking a little concerned.

I look up. “Yeah, I have something I need to send to Cadence. You can do that, right?”

“Yeah. Shining Armor had me do that a few times when they were first dating; I was younger then, but I still remember how to send to her.” he says, reaching for the paper. Hastily, I roll it before he can get a look. One of his eyebrow ridges goes up, and he seems to acknowledge the action. “That bad, huh?”

“Don’t tell Twilight.”

Spike shrugs. “Doubt she’ll hear, she’s been really stuck on something. Why is she going through every book about psychology?”

I sigh. “I gave her incentive, it seems, to try and figure out my mental state or something like that. I basically just told her that if she wants to ‘know me’ she’d have to work hard and she... well, she’s being Twilight.”

He heaves a huffy sigh, looking a bit upset. “Well, thanks, all the chores are going to have to be done by me in the meantime.” he says, before shaking his head and doing his firebreath on the letter; the glittery dust sails out the window and heads north at high speed.

“I’d help but...” I begin.

“You’re lazy.” Spike deadpans.

“What?” I ask innocently. “Of course not, I just think you’re so talented that you can do it all by yourself just fine.”

“You’re going to get yourself in a lot of trouble some day.” Spike sighs.

“Pfft, as if I haven’t already a bajillion times?” Spike just shakes his head and turns to leave, a bit of a quizzical look appearing on his face for a moment. “Something on your mind?”

“Kinda. You really got Twilight wrapped up in this, and if I know you, you’re just going to keep her riled up over it. Just remember that everybody has a limit, and... Twilight’s can be scary. Fair warning.” he says, turning for the door once more.

I nod. “Alright. I just like pushing buttons and seeing what happens. It’s more interesting to do that than read what other people say about the generalized result.”

“Some might call that kinetic learning.” Spike says, not turning around. “I’d call it just plain annoying.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m a younger brother. I was genetically engineered at birth to be an annoying little prick.”

Spike says nothing, but shakes his head and shuts the door behind him. About ten minutes later he comes back with a scroll in hand. It looks a lot like the ones he gives to Twilight, from Celestia, but this one has a blue ribbon around it rather than red, and the seal is a heart, not a sun. He hands me the scroll and walks out. “Seriously though, Twilight can be... fragile.”

I nod, and open up the letter, most likely from Cadence, catching a small gemstone as it falls out. Looks like amethyst... Maybe her letter will explain.

Dearest Anthony,

I’m so glad you sent me a letter, as mildly confusing as this one was at first. Assuming you meant to ask for relationship advice (and before you ask, yes it’s an educated guess, this isn’t even the first half-finished letter I’ve received today) then I have some simple advice you’ve likely heard before: Be yourself. Every being that can love will do so, and trying to act like something or someone you’re not will only cause problems down the road. However, if you’d like more of an ‘in-depth’ bit of assistance, I believe I can clear a small spot out of my schedule to visit Ponyville in a few months. Even just for a vacation, it would be rather nice to see my sister-in-law again.

Signed, Cadence~

P.S. The amethyst is for Spike, since I’m assuming you didn’t offer him anything for the mail service.

I look down at the purple fragment of quartz and shrug. I just head over to Twi’s room and toss it onto Spike’s dog bed. He’ll find it.

I look back at the letter once I’m in my room again. Yeah, be myself. Sure, but which ‘myself’ do I be? I’ve got, like, ten different approaches I can choose from and they’re all technically ‘the real me’ anyways. This is the problem with having so many different ‘voices of reason’. Besides, she doesn’t even know who it is I need advice for, so she can’t exactly give me any real advice that isn’t generic as hell. Yeah, looks like she’ll have to come down here. It would be nice to see her though.

The next morning, I walk downstairs to see Twilight running around like a chicken with its head cut off and pulling books off the shelves and rifling through all manner of papers and parchment rolls. A large stash of them is deposited in Spike’s arms, comically large compared to his small stature. “I need you to quiz me on everything I know!” she demands without even looking back, another few books landing atop the stack.

“So... do I ask?” I question aloud.

Spike shrugs as best he can with his arms full before dropping the papers. “Long story short-”

“I have a huge test coming up, and I have to be prepared for anything!” Twilight half-yells, still going absolutely batshit.

Spike nods. “Celestia sent her a letter saying Twilight has to uh, apparently pass some kind of test.”

“Flash cards! Where are my flash cards?!” she yells, lifting an end table and shaking it violently enough that a leg falls off. “I’ll fix that later.” she comments quickly, as she goes to root through a desk.

Spike rushes over and grabs Twilight and gets her to cool down. It takes several minutes, but she stops hyperventilating at least.

“So... what’s the test actually about?” I ask, figuring if that gets answered then she wouldn’t need to worry. “And what’s the deadline?”

“The letter didn’t say.” Spike informs me. “That’s why... all this.”

“Sorry, I’m just so nervous. What if I fail?” she says, nervously dancing on the tips of her hooves. The rapid tippity-tap is a bit annoying.

I think about that. If the teacher springs a pop quiz that could be on any subject at all and the teacher isn’t an unfair asshole, the stakes wouldn’t be very high, just a way to see how much the student can recite at the drop of a hat, a standard memorization deal. I shrug. “Likely? What would happen to anybody. They get a report-”

“A bad report?! Oh no, oh no, oh no! I-I can’t let that happen! Spike, we’re taking the Complete Unabridged Full Encyclopedia, the larger one!” Spike groans, then shoots me a nasty look for riling her up. I guess that’s my bad, but if she’d listened to what I’d wanted to say in full... on second thought, it’s all her fault.

“So you guys are gonna be heading to Canterlot to take this test?” I look out the window, and see the rest of the Element bearers walking up. Looks like the support group has arrived.

“Yes, Anthony.” Twilight says curtly, and Spike sighs.

“It’ll be alright, Twilight... just calm down, get your things, and we’ll all get on the train before we’re late, okay?” he says, patting her neck reassuringly. She nods taking a shaky breath, and the others move in to reassure her as well and get her moving.

I step in with my own advice. “I’m just going to assume you’ve never really had to deal with such sudden... assignments, judging by your reaction. If I were you, I’d be doing something to prepare for it as best you can.”

“I am preparing!” Twilight says as she presents the mountain of flash cards on ‘everything she knows’ and I shake my head.

“No, not like that. You need to be ready physically. This isn’t my first time dealing with cramming for tests and let me tell you, burning all your time down to the last second before the test is not the way to do it.”

Twilight scoffs, and shakes her head back. “And what else am I supposed to do?”

“Re-lax.” I say, and I gesture towards the kitchen. “You need to be prepared physically as I just said. I doubt you’re feeling very rested, so you’ll need to make up for that. I suggest an energizing meal to start with. You’ll want brain food obviously, as well as protein to keep your body going. Fish is a good example, and some cheese on toast will be quick to make and stick to your ribs. This way you won’t be hungry during the test so you aren’t distracted by things like sleep or food.”

Twilight and her friends look at me with odd expressions.

I defend myself with, “Hey, I made lots of mistakes, but if you learn from them, then mistakes are fine. My high school years were rough, but they taught me a lot... mostly outside of a classroom, but I digress. You’ll need to be focused. Eat food now, a power nap while on the train and obviously a well-prepared backpack, making sure you have anything you might need within reason. Cramming is not something you should do, but if unavoidable, at least do it cleverly.”

“I... okay.” Twilight says, meekly, her ears back slightly as she begins to move towards the kitchen. Spike intercepts her, and points her instead towards the saddlebags, evidently trying to keep her from accidentally poisoning herself, and busy with something she does well instead.

Rainbow Dash flaps over, giving me an appraising look. “Huh, never took you for the sort to enjoy school so much.” she comments, looking a bit surprised.

“You kidding me?” I say, quirking an eyebrow. “Mostly I focused on surviving school until it’s over, the main points I’m making are just ways to keep you from screwing up and having to retake a class. The last thing any sane person wants is for school to last any longer than it legally has to.” I silently curse the Becca bill, the only reason I even kept going to school past Junior High. Twilight looks over at me, looking slightly hurt at that comment. I just roll my eyes. “There are, of course, exceptions to every rule.” I say, getting her to go back to her preparation.

Rarity soon joins her, helping to organize the backpack, so the myriad of things being inserted didn’t make it look like a lumpy mess. Which reminds me of another point.

“If you want to be confident, you have to look ‘ready’ as well. A great way to fake it is treating this like a normal occurrence. Don’t go rushing in and acting all frantic. Be... standard. Like you’ve done this a million times before. Not sure how Celly is as a teacher, but if you act all frazzled or off-balance, then you’re less likely to get a good grade. Teachers like students who are in control. Freaking out over a pop quiz shows weakness and implies you aren’t prepared.” I get further odd looks. “I spent more time focusing on the psychology of school than the schooling itself. Knowing how to game the system is a bit more important to me than getting another gold star on a piece of paper.”

A few of the ponies shrug, Applejack looks unhappy with my comment, and Rainbow Dash looks like she approves, nodding sagely.

Either way, Spike comes out with a skinny-looking cooked fish, hardly any meat on it at all and I wonder what kind of stupid market would sell such a fish. I mean... it’s really pathetic. But, fish is fish, and it’s a good source of vitamins... even in such small amounts. Alongside the fish is a few other snacks along the lines of what I suggested. About the time Twilight finishes eating, the clock is noticed and, once Spike and I convince her to take a minute to breathe, she leaves, dragon and friends in tow. A large support group is useful as well, though I consider my job done at this point and let them head for Canterlot.

I figure that they’ve got this handled and that Twilight will be back, likely tired as hell from being worked up over nothing. Leaving the now-empty library, I think about what I can do. It would be nice if I could do something to get my powers back. Like a sort of... soul-empowering form of tai chi or yoga or whatever. I look back at the library and figure if I was gonna find information on something like that Twilight probably had a book on it. And... all the books are on the floor and completely disorganized. Not finding anything in this haystack. Sighing, I think more about what I could do that doesn’t involve me having powers.

Unfortunately, all of the things that come to mind are rather boring. Normality is so... mundane...

I’ve managed to zone out for several hours, and I note that Twilight still isn’t back...

What sort of quiz takes this long? Unless it’s intended to be a full examination and at that point, it might be a good thing if she listened to me and took a nap on the train. I figure she’ll do fine no matter what the test is, but it is rather boring without anyone around, seeing as how she took the rest of her friends with her. I look back at my stash of gifts and, noting the little candy box Myrna gave me with the statues... Eh, sure.

I grab it out of the pile and open it up. It’s small, so I’m not expecting much but I find that it’s... one candy piece. Wrapped up in a classic candy-shop style, colored like the ribbon on the box, yellow and blue. Well, got it for free anyways so... whatever. I unwrap the candy and it’s just a regular chocolate ball. Likely filled with some sort of cream or other additive. Doesn’t look like anything special but given the hype that Pinkie put behind it just from seeing the box I suppose it might be worth a taste. I mean, it’s not puny, two ounces of candy at most but... it’s decent, mildly impressive for a single chocolate ball. So I guess this ‘Bon Bon’ runs a specialty candy shop, which would explain Pinkie’s mention of the insane price.

Alright, analysis is over, snacktime. I pop the roughly-golfball of treat into my mouth and... okay, that’s good. Like, really good. I mean, most boxes of chocolates I get from places like See’s or whatever I could eat a hundred in one sitting, but this... has officially, if temporarily, satisfied my sweet tooth.

This thing has been enchanted or something, no other explanation could be reasonable. I mean... I’m actually content with just one, and it’s not due to a sugar overload of, say, half of a lemon meringue pie, which has indeed proven too rich for me. But no, this is... mild. And fantastic.

I call shenanigans. I need to figure out how these things are made, because this is literally impossible. Nothing has ever been ‘enough’ for me without being ‘too much’ and it’s never been something so relatively small.

Looking through the box, I find the one thing just about every boxed candy has: a mailing address for the creator of the candy. Ponyville, of course, as well as... oh, I know that spot, I think I’ve passed it. It’s on the way to Fluttershy’s from here... in retrospect, this explains the delicious smells on that road.

Either way, though, the confectioner must be a pretty impressive unicorn to be making candy that filling, yet mild-flavored.

Heading down the path, I actually pay attention to the buildings I pass, looking for a candy shop, likely decked out in the ‘store colors’ which is highly likely to be the same design as on the wrappings for the candy as well as the box.

At first, I’m not able to find it, though, and it’s not until my second pass down the lane - empty box open in my hands as I try to figure out where ponies put their addresses on their houses - that I’m directed to the house. The only indication that it’s also a place of business is the cobble-paved path leading to one of the windows, and a few boxes of what I’d previously assumed to be decorative photo frames, but were in fact candy boxes. This would have been much easier if ponies weren’t so damned obsessed with bright colors and restricted their use to accents as opposed to using it for everything.

Either way, I walk up to the building and, rather than stop at the window, head for the front door. I’m here for information, not just to be a customer. Though if I can get more of these for a good price, I’m jumping on that.

After knocking, I hear a slightly nasally ‘Just a minute!’, a moment of silence, then the sound of hooves on hardwood heading for the window. “Hello?” I hear from the window, presumably where the proprietor is used to answering from.

I wave towards my position. “Hey, I’m looking for someone.” I notice that the pony is an Earth pony, not a unicorn. Two options: She’s an assistant to the creator, or the secret is not magic spells but magic ingredients, much like that Berry’s Punch drink. Either is likely at this point.

“Yes?” she asks, leaning out the window a bit more to get a better look at me, her voice changing mid-word to a bit more ‘normal’. “It’s just me and my roommate living here, though if you need to speak to Lyra, she’s in Canterlot right now.”

The name ‘Lyra’ sends my eyebrow upwards very quickly, recalling the name of the Constellation who I met almost four months back. Was it four months? Only two? Half a year? Hard to recall. Either way... “Actually I’m here for...” wait, how do you say you want information on a personal recipe without sounding obvious... “Information. Specific information. I was... directed here.”

She narrows her eyes. “Directed by whom?” she asks slowly.

I quirk my eyebrow again. Something about that response sounds vaguely... odd. Granted, my opening was odd, but it might indicate something going on, beyond candy-making if this mare assumes something else as well... Or I’m reading too much into this.

I shake my head. I move to the window. “I’m looking for... details. I’d like to know what exactly goes into these.” I hold up the empty candy box, and turn it so the little address is visible from her perspective.

“Oh! Uhm, well, it’s all local ingredients, except the cocoa and the sugar, but I can’t tell you everything. It’s a family recipe.” she says, visibly sighing in relief when she heard my request.

“I’m just a bit curious. Anything special about these ingredients? I’m a little, well, baffled at what could go into this. Considering how good it is, I expected some form of... arcane or at least obscure content...” I decide to drop the act at this point and be blunt. “Look, I’ve had candy before, lots of it, great amounts and varying kinds. This is... different. I don’t think a different ratio of sugar, or some generic secret ingredient goes into these.” I quote myself from earlier. “I call shenanigans.”

She laughs, her nasally voice back. “Oh, I hoof-make every piece of candy individually - the only ones I’m not working on one-by-one are things like the chocolate drops or the candy dots.” she explains. “Every single one is a work of art I pour my heart and soul into!” she says, sounding and looking proud of herself.

“Yeah, I’m not buying that... entirely. You’re using some extra special technique with these. I intend to find out what it is. I’m not aiming to replicate the recipe and make a profit, I’m just out to discover why this candy has done what no other candy I’ve ever tasted has done.”

She’s still laughing as she wipes a tear from her eye. “I just told ya, I work on every one of them by hoof. No machines, no magic, just me and the candy. It makes it taste so much better!” she says, smiling at me still.

“See the problem with that is that it’s not just tasty it’s... fulfilling. I can eat one of these and I don’t need to immediately have more candy. Let me put it another way.” I place the box on the windowsill. “I have an incurable sweet tooth. I will consume large amounts of sugar, past the point of reason or health, simply because I want more. I’ve never had ‘too much’ when it comes to candy. Ever. I mean, it’s scary how bad it can get considering I can’t eat normal food in nearly the amount I eat sweets and such.” I pause and indicate to the box. “I got that as a gift and just tried it. I don’t need to have another to be ‘content’. That’s more than hand-made, that ‘family recipe’ of yours is... astonishing. I just want to know what that recipe involves that makes it... so satisfying.”

She sighs, rolling her eyes. “Y’know what? Since I doubt the big-shot celebrity of Ponyville is going to go around selling off my secrets for money, I’ll let you sit in on a batch of candy. You come back when your sweet-tooth returns, and I’ll make a candy of your choosing, in front of you. I’m the best candy-maker in the southern half of Equestria, and I’m not afraid to prove it.” she says confidently, offering a hoof to shake.

I take her hoof. “Alright, deal. But I’m serious, something’s up with this. I don’t know if it’s the candy itself, or you... but there’s more here. I just need to find out what that ‘more’ really is.”

She smiles and shakes her head again. “Well, I’ll see you in a while then. Oh! Would you like to buy some more for tomorrow, by any chance?” she asks in her ‘normal’ voice, shooting me a hopeful grin.

I carefully weigh my optio- “How much?”

“Well, it’s six Bits for a Bon-Box, four for a Melt-in-your-mouth, one Bit for a strip of candy dots, and Lyra recently showed me how to make candyfloss, so I have some of that, too. Though, the floss didn’t come out how I’d hoped, so it’s a bit... crackly. Still working on that one.”

I check my pockets and I pull out a coin and- uh... I don’t know where I got this, actually. It looks like a Bit, but... silver. So... half a Bit? I mean, Bits are usually gold so maybe this is, like, a half-dollar equivalent or something. I present the odd coin. “Any idea what this is worth?”

“Oh, uh... idunno, I don’t really do much business with ponies from Cloudsdale. They have some kinda holdover from before they joined Equestria, their own mints and stuff. I don’t have any idea what the exchange rate is, sorry.” she shrugs, looking over the coin. “Looks the same as a regular Bit, though... not sure why they have to make ‘em in silver.”

I shrug and continue rifling through my pockets and come up with two Bits. Seems that’s my budget. “So, looks like two of those dot-strip-things...” I pass her the Bits as I wonder what it is. My first thought is the Nerds Rope thing, with a bunch of tiny candies on a strip of another candy material.

“Oh, the attempt at candyfloss is also one Bit for the whole batch, if you want it.” she says, holding out a dinner-bowl-sized thing of... of...

“Is that a bowl of pop rocks?”

“Uhm... no? Or, maybe. Have you seen something like this before?” she asks, offering the bowl up to me. I take a small pinch and try it on my tongue. They do the normal snapping and crackling, and taste of a pleasant ‘cotton candy’ flavor. Generic, but not bad.

“Seen? Lady, I haven’t even tasted this stuff since I was... what, ten? I mean, I know that they still have -or rather, had- it on Earth but I never really had them since I was young. Always been really expensive for just a small packet of the stuff. A Bit for a bowl? Deal!”

“Oh, well, that’s wonderful!” she says, pouring them into a small paper bag and handing it to me. “Do you think others will like them? I wasn’t sure, but if they’re popular where you’re from...”

“As long as you stay away from the ‘they can kill you’ myth, they’re great... although, the same myth is probably what made them so popular in the first place...”

“Uhm... why would ponies think it’d kill them?” she asks, eyebrow up as the nasally voice returns. I should ask her about that sometime.

“Okay, so the idea behind these is that they are like, well... they ‘pop’ in your mouth when they melt. A myth started that if you drank something carbonated such as a soda and then swallowed a bunch of these things, the carbonation would enhance the ‘pop’ and that swallowing the said mixture would explode in your stomach. I’m... not sure what chemistry-failure thought that would happen, but it’s been an urban legend since I was really little. I’ve tried it, it doesn’t do anything at all. Sure made the candy a playground dare for a long time though.”

“Huh, alright. Well, I’ll keep that in mind.” Bon Bon nods with a quirked smile and accepts my payment.

I take the paper bag full of pop rocks and the strip of ‘candy drops’ and carry on, thanking the mare. Speaking of playground dares... I wonder what kinds of crap I could spread to the kids. I’m pretty much the ‘Crazy Uncle’ anyways, I bet I could start a few urban legends. I mean, why would I lie to children?

Smirking to myself, I try to remember the day of the week. I think it’s a weekend, so there won’t be any school, but I can still scheme... and I have to pay attention to how hungry I am, so I can come back here. The secret to the recipe will be mine...

... Damnit, now my internal voice is in Plankton’s. Ah well, it could be worse.

Alright, well, now that that’s over... I wonder what else this town has to offer someone with no money, no powers, and an unhealthy amount of charisma...

Jump to top

Chapter 46

Not feeling up to heading back to the messy and empty library, I figure I can do something with the candy I just bought. Even though school isn’t in session I can still find the children. I haven’t seen anyone other than Myrna and kinda Twilight since I got out. I guess the best place to go is the Frothy Mug. I recall something about cider as well, but honestly I find it hard to believe that it’s as good as the CMC said it was I mean... apple juice, cinnamon, sugar, maybe a few other spices, what else is there to really do with cider?

Guess I can ask later. I get to the bar relatively easily and, as usual for midday it’s pretty quiet, few patrons, all that “slow day” stuff. I sit down at the bar and set my bag of goodies on the counter next to me. I give Stoic a greeting nod which he returns.

The two other ponies in the bar are sitting off to the side and having a game of cards, while in a different corner, closer to the bar itself, I can see Berry’s kids playing quietly, one of them building with blocks, and the other drawing.

So for the most part I just sort of sit around, thinking to myself on how to approach anything really. I’m just in this sort of... miasma. Is that even the right word? I don’t really know. It’s not quite apathy or this dark cloud over my head it just feels like I’m going through paces to make things happen, but I’m not actually making anything happen. Like a hamster trying to go somewhere on it’s little wheel.

“So...” I ask aloud. “How do normal folks deal with nothing to do?” Not really aimed at anyone in particular, I’m open to any suggestions. Safer than asking /b/ at least.

“Well, some get hobbies,” Berry says, stepping over, “And some get jobs. Depends on if you wanna have money or free time. Personally, I play with my fillies or plan out new ideas for my business.” she leans on the counter, smiling. “So, anything I can getcha, Anthony?” she offers.

I think for a bit. “Nah, not today. I mean, I have no idea what my limit is even with my Core. Dunno how much I can take in the alcohol range when I don’t have a Super Filter in the middle of my chest.” I pause. “That and I spent my last Bit on candy, so... yeah, there’s that.” I decide to continue with her suggestion. “So if I were to get a hobby, I don’t really know what’s available around here. Most of my previous hobbies involved collecting stuff, or tech that you guys don’t have access to.”

“Hmm... Idunno much about tech... how d’ya feel about woodworking?” she asks, eyebrow raised.

“I can whittle stuff into smooth or sharp edges but that’s about it, nothing fancy. Haven’t even done anything like it since I was a Scout. What a waste of time that was...”

“Scout? Like the military rank, or...?”

“Boy Scouts. Basically they’re a group who ‘turns boys into men’ in various ways. Teaching them how to survive out in the wilderness, carve, climb, make fires and hunt with the barest of materials... kind of like a school of sorts for ‘survival in any situation’.”

Berry nods. “That sounds like a good program.” she comments, but I shake my head in response.

“I got pretty sick of it when I joined. It was... not as advertised.” I sigh. “I learned more from their handbook than any of the actual instructors, and... it just wasn’t my scene. There were so many ‘scout meetings’ and so little ‘doing’ that it was like they were quite literally all talk and no action.”

“Aaaah; sounds like you’d do well in a pegasus school; Stoic’s told me a few stories from his school days, and the hooves-on approach was the default.” she says, sliding a white drink to me. The mug of drink steams slightly.

“Uh... I don’t have any money...”

“It’s alright, it’s on the house for ya. Steamed milk, with a little dash of vanilla flavoring; Ruby loves it, thought you might, too.”

I decide to give it a shot. “Not a bad idea, the pegasus school thing that is, but I can’t fly and I’m pretty sure I’m a little old for school... speaking of, Twilight had a test to take today in Canterlot. Took her friends with her and she still isn’t back. It’s what, three or something? What sort of test takes that long?”

“Twilight’s got a test in Canterlot? That must be something important. Last time we’d heard something about her being tested, she almost obliterated the town by accident.” Berry shakes her head. “As for what kind of test it could be, well... idunno, maybe she’s being trained to be a noble? Her folks’re from Canterlot, right?”

“I guess so, but if she’s going to be a noble, wouldn’t that mean that she’d stay in Canterlot for... the rest of ever? I mean, as far as I know, most of Canterlot’s nobility is political. At least, that was my impression.” I think that over. “She could end up an ambassador for Ponyville, but what sort of training is that gonna take?”

The barmare thinks, hoof to her chin. “Hmm... I have no idea. Maybe she’s getting her own land ‘cuz she saved the world from Nightmare Moon?” Berry suggests, sounding puzzled.

“Maybe. Or heck, it could be something else. Maybe she’s being appointed as a new princess.” I say. “I mean, it kinda fits. One, she’s related by blood to someone who married existing royalty, her brother and Cadence. So her being a princess at least on paper is totally on the table, depending on how hierarchies go around here. On top of the fact that she’s pretty much ‘Celestia’s Chosen’ we just don’t really know what she’s chosen for.”

Berry and Stoic nod at this. “You’ve got a good point,” Berry agrees, “And frankly, I don’t know her all that well, so I don’t really have anything more than speculation. You live with the mare and you’ve got no idea.”

“That’s actually a problem I have with Celestia in general. She doesn’t really... explain her actions. I may be stubborn in this way, but I just don’t trust a leader who keeps things secret when they really don’t need to be, or just acts so... Idunno, two-faced.”

“Well, why should she explain herself to us? I mean, I trust her just fine. She’s been doing the job perfectly well for a thousand and more years; until recently, there hadn’t really been any disasters or anything in Equestria.”

“Yeah, a lot of people say that, but it just seems... unrealistic. Unless something happened recently. I mean, what did change so that all this crazy stuff happens? Personally, I’d like to be informed, or at least be told what is known.”

Berry nods. “The only thing different, right before everything changed... was Twilight showed up. Shortly after, Nightmare Moon attacked Ponyville, Discord attacked Ponyville, the parasprites attacked Ponyville, there was that shortage of grain centered around Ponyville, though that turned out to be a marketing scam by some big company based in Manehattan... oh, and those two hucksters tried to buy out Sweet Apple Acres from the Apples, and then tried to cheat them out of the farm.”

Huh. “And me showing up, then demons showing up. And yet, none of that is related to Twilight in any real way... Too much of a coincidence, but no solid connection. I’m not saying it’s being orchestrated but... you know.”

Berry smiles and replies, “Well, the connection is obvious; you were brought by Twilight, who summoned for Nightmare Moon. Duh.” she snarks.

“And the universe traded one evil for another huh, guess that figures.” I joke back. “I mean, come on, eternal night? What kind of plan is that? At least I’m creative when I do bad stuff.”

“Pfft, bring back the night so we can’t see your face anymore.” she replies. Stoic, washing a glass, smirks.

I return the facial gesture. “See, this is why I don’t get along with Twilight. She’s too... straightforward. Doesn’t take jabs, or any sort of back-and-forth. She’s a great foil, best straight man I could ask for, but she just...” I chuckle. “She just doesn’t have that... thing I need from her to really get along. I like her, she’s nice, but just so different and I tend to not like the idea of changing myself just to bridge a gap in a relationship. So I give her a hard time like I would any friend.”

“Fair enough. From what I’ve seen, she’s pretty high-strung though.”

“She’s fun to prank and make fun of, not with.” I say, repeating her statement in my own words. “I mean, why do you think I like Discord so much?”

Berry shakes her head. “That I’m not sure of... he just seems so menacing. I mean, we ponies like to smile, sure, but his... it just doesn’t seem like it’s a happy smile.”

“Oh, it is. Trust me, it is. The problem is he’s like a kid. Nobody was ever able to tell him ‘No’ or when to stop. So he doesn’t, and assumes it’s all fun. I’m no registered psychologist, but I can tell the difference between being malicious and not knowing better. I mean, you’re a mom, imagine if your kids we’re basically spoiled brats their whole lives because they never listened to you.”

She nods. “I can understand that, sure, but I still don’t think I like him.” she says.

“Which is fine. Ya don’t have to like everyone, after all. I just think he deserves a chance at being put in time-out rather than a nationwide demonizing. Of course, that’s not up to me, but I just like having my opinion being considered. May not always know what I’m talking about, of course but... I’d rather take part in things that affect me or my point of view. Voice your opinion, or you can’t change anything.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” she sounds like she’s starting to lose interest in the conversation, though that could just be me.

“Alright, I guess I’ve whined in your ear for long enough, I’ll see you later. Have a nice day.” I grab my bag of candy and finishing the drink given to me, I start for the door. Passing the table the kids are sitting at, I put a small bag of the pop rocks I bought in front of them. They stare at the bag. I just say “Enjoy the candy.” and they look even more interested. I leave with the rest of my goodies, figuring the fillies will tell their classmates about it next time they’re at school.

Leaving the bar, I begin looking for other things to do. Though my conversation with Berry does make me think. What is this unspoken connection between Twilight and everything getting weird? The big question is, does Celestia see the connection as well, and if so, what does she make of it? I mean, I doubt she planned for events to go like that but it is something that is hard to overlook. She has to have at least an opinion on it. The other question from there... why not talk about it, not even to Twilight? Or if she has, why tell Twi to keep it a secret?

That’s the thing, I can’t tell what Celestia is thinking with some of her... odd decisions. I mean, she’s smart, I’ll give her that, nobody could run a country for centuries and not learn a few things even if they started out a total idiot. But... she just has this... I’m not sure. I can’t tell exactly when she’s lying and what she’s lying about, but she just seems untrustworthy. Sure, a lot of people could stand to take my advice, but thinking of Discord, how was I the first one to explain to her that if you keep punishing someone, they’ll eventually lash out? And if I wasn’t, why wouldn’t she extend that to Discord? Doesn’t add up.

On the other hand, it would be interesting to do a bit of research on her. But that would require digging through the library’s mess of books on the floor to find the history books. Laziness, or education?

Laziness. Definitely laziness... I figure I could wander through Ponyville, find what else there is to do. But what is there, really? I meander around, looking at buildings and try to come up with something. I’ve had two people thus far suggest a hobby, but what could I do that would entertain me and I wouldn’t get bored of it?

Hmm... y’know, I have to wonder; is there a swimming pool in this town? Like, a public one? I know I saw a bowling alley somewhere around here, but Idunno if bowling alone sounds like it’d be fun for even a little bit. Also, it tends to be pretty pricey.

This place needs a rec center or somewhere you can get information on what is actually in the town. It is pretty big. And really, I’ve hardly explored any of it. I had a map of Whitetail woods, but not one of Ponyville itself showed up, now that I think about it. Maybe it’s in another book, but I honestly don’t really know what Ponyville looks like on a cartographical level.

Where can I go to get information without having to sort through the library? If you want to know about a town, ask the rats. Question is, where do I find the rats? What sort of ‘underground’ does Ponyville even have? Unlikely to just randomly trip over it, but what does it take to really ‘know’ this place?

On the other hand, do I want to know?

Guess not. I just want something to do. I’m just... wandering. I need to do something! Nothing presents itself though, and I have no clue as to where I need to start searching.

I sigh and decide to return to the library. Maybe I will find something there, maybe I won’t, I just don’t want to be immobile.

And the place is exactly as I left it, a mess of books and papers everywhere. So many books, and not a single clue as to where I’d find one I want. Practically wading through the piles I enter the kitchen for probably the fifth time since I moved in. Getting hungry is annoying.

If I had money I could probably expand the pantry in here, go shopping. But without any more Bits I’m stopped there as well.

I search the cabinets for something I can eat and, recalling the massive platter of food I got the other day, decide to at least work my way through it.

God I’m bored. I could set something on fire. Oh, great, you again. I’m fucking bored, what do you expect!? To not have myselves show up. Yeah well, when all you have is yourself... Fuck you too, pal. I am you. I know what I said. At least I’m not monologuing anymore. It’s introspection. Fifteen minutes of telling yourself you’re bored isn’t introspection. Got a better plan? Punch something, burn something, sit in your room and listen to music. Shut up you moron, we would if we fucking could. How many of me are here today anyways? I count about five maybe, hard to tell. That’s reassuring. Hey, safety in numbers. There’s only one of us, dipshit. Two heads are better than one. How about one head and the same voice overlapping itself inside it? Now you’re trying to define what I am. Categories are important for organization. Who are you calling organized? Fuck my life. Whiner. Is this the part where we fight over who gets to be in charge? Nobody’s in charge, ever. Boy, if that were true. Amen. Am I going to do anything productive? Tomorrow you’ll wake up do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep. Am I seriously doing this? Everything you know is wrong, black is white up is down... Fucking hell. Hey, we could be emo instead. Is that really worse? Define worse first. Worse would be when you try to compromise with yourself rather than fighting. Have to agree. How long is this gonna take? Which part? Who gives a fuck?

I pause, looking over at the clock. It’s been an hour and a half, and I’ve literally just been here, talking -no, thinking- to myself... kinda

I... I need a hobby. I need a hobby now. I hope I can find the books on origami or something, because otherwise I’m going to go from ‘crazy’ to ‘lost cause’. The problem there is that I’ve already been over this. And Origami is boring. Oh don’t you start. It started when I called it ‘crazy’. That was about fifteen years ago. You’re not going away, are you? You remember what happens if we do, for good, right? It’s a slippery slope pal. Ugh, I need to get out of here. Where is here anyway? The library. Why am I such a smartass? Why do I ask stupid questions? Because I’m a dumbass, of course. Nobody’s arguing that. Are we agreeing? Have to admit, I’m waiting for air raid sirens now. They don’t have those in Ponyville. Yeah, ‘cause they have no idea what ‘prepared for assault’ means.

I’m jarred from my ‘introspection’ by a loud, sudden BANG at the door, followed by some more subdued knocking a moment later. Honestly, it sounds like someone drunk had tried getting into the library and briefly forgotten how doors work.

I sigh and walk up to the door, pushing the books aside with my feet as I pass and open the door. “Can I help you?”

A tall pegasus on the other side of the door gives me a toothy grin. “Do ya got any booze in there?” she asks, already pushing to get in. A series of what look like leather straps hold a sheathed sword under one of her wings, the handle looking very simple in design.

“If there was booze in a public library, Twi’d probably get shut down pretty fast.” I point out. “Also, if she drank, she’d be so much easier to deal with.”

The pegasus looks around. “No booze? That sucks. So, whatcha doing right now, little bro?” she asks, stepping on the books in passing. I can’t help but wince, she hasn’t wiped her hooves and Twilight’s gonna go on a rampage when she sees the results of this.

“Nobody’s ever called me ‘little bro’, not even my older sister. Also, who are you calling little, shortstack?” I estimate I’m about half a meter taller at the very least. She’s bigger than most ponies, but she’s still puny.

She ‘pats’ me on the hip with a hoof and nearly knocks me over into a pile of books. “‘Cuz you’re really young, so you’re the little brother. C’mon, let’s go find something to do. Or somepony to do. Either way, I’m bored already. Let’s have some fun!”

“Define what sort of fun we can have in Ponyville. I exhausted most of my options months ago.” I deadpan. Granted I haven’t really looked around, but there can’t be that much else to see in a farming town.

“Ah c’mon, farmers always have the best booze. Oh! Maybe we can go fight something, there’s that big scary forest on the edge of town, right?” she suggests, “Bet a dragon would be fun to fight. Good warmup. Get it?”

“I heard better puns in kindergarten. Last I knew, the biggest threat in the Everefree are Changelings, and I’ve been roped into a sort of peace treaty with the buggers. Though if you know of someone who won’t mind getting punched in the face I’d be down with that I suppose.” The violent nature of this pony is... rather jarring. That’s pretty odd, all things considered. I’m willing to bet they’re putting up some sort of façade, trying to act like what they think I act like. Meh, I’ll see where this goes.

“And afterwards, we can fight each other. Oh, have you had any kinda training? I hope so, or you’re gonna get your face pushed in. I can’t fix that too well, but the scars’ll look great!” she says, practically prancing into the late afternoon sun.

“I haven’t had any real training in anything but basic swordplay.” I answer truthfully. “All other times I’ve tried to get any actual combat learning, they just wanna stick to breathing techniques and stances. No real self defense at all. I gave up on that years ago.”

“Ah, swords? My favorite. So, fighting first or drinking? I mean, fighting sober is easier to follow, but drunken swords? That’s just awesome.”

“You ever get told that you’re trying way too hard?” I say, getting tired already of this bullshit.

“Sometimes. I don’t care, to be honest; why change just cuz someone else doesn’t like ya?” she asks, heading for the Everfree at this point. I sigh and follow after. I guess I’m gonna have to humor her until she stops paraphrasing statements I’ve made. This is as annoying as those fans who misquote actors’ lines in front of them.

Almost immediately, I notice something’s off as she enters the forest; for one, she doesn’t even hesitate before just trampling through the undergrowth, with none of the ‘this might be bad’ type of reaction even some of the Changelings had; whoever this is, she’s so overconfident she’s ignoring the forest entirely. “Hey, look for some wood that glows green, or the really bright blue flowers! Don’t touch the flowers though, we’re just looking for ‘em.”

“So, what’s your name, you never said.” I figure if I can get her talking about herself, she’ll drop this front of hers. She just seems way too... on my level for a pony. Also, I’m wondering what she meant by younger. I’m not a genius on pony physiology but I highly doubt she’s much older than me. And by what account does she consider me her brother? I have to wonder if she’s sane, honestly. Wouldn’t want her to get hurt just because she’s nutso, so I follow into the forest.

“I’m Gladius. You’re Anthony. You see any of that wood yet?” she asks, shoving a rotting log aside and looking around.

“Whatcha want from it?” Getting a little... iffy on sticking around her.

“Oh, Timberwolves come from it, and they hunt in packs. Good way to get ‘em angry is to bust up some of the Wood, and then you can get the whole pack to fight! ... I haven’t fought a full Timberwolf pack in ages.” she says, a slightly-manic grin on her face - as something growls not far behind me.

“Tell you what, Gladius. You head back to Ponyville before you get yourself hurt, okay? Dunno what you’re on right now, but there’s a difference between bravado and actual skill...”

She turns to face me, looking confused - then looking above my head with a growing grin. A second growl, this one deeper and making my shirt blow in the resulting breeze, sounds from right behind me.

I turn around carefully. I’ve got the feeling whatever it is, isn’t friendly or happy, and is probably trouble. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a massive wall of wood, thin lines and whorls of glowing green running through it. At first I think it’s a tree made of that wood she’d mentioned until it moves and the leg that’d be behind me shifts aside to let a huge, canine head lower itself down to get its eye near me.

I have that ‘not friendly’ feeling again and ball up a fist, before recalling an important fact. I’m depowered. If I die from this, I am haunting this damn pony for a century.

A scream -a joyful scream, even- rips itself from Gladius’ throat as she launches herself at the giant Timberwolf, the sword held by the grip in her teeth. A flap of her wings flings her right at the wooden animal’s head, and she stabs into the thick wood and vines. At first, I wouldn’t think much of it, except that she crows happily at the stab wound, which immediately ignites in response. A gout of rust-red and bronze fire pours from the wooden wolf who makes sounds of anger and pain, rearing back and throwing Gladius off with an indignant squawk.

I, for my part, begin doing my best to duck around the distracted creature and aim for the way we came, planning on getting away from this with only minimal injury. Worrying part is, the moves this pony is using are... on point.

A second battlecry announces her diving in from the sky, taking the Timberwolf on the nose and shoving that into the dirt, while also ripping the sword out and across the thing’s eye in another gout of flames. Howls from nearby are closing in but... damn, this is actually pretty awesome, in an action-movies-are-cool way, but I really wish I wasn’t experiencing it first hand like this. Because in most action movies, the main characters tend to get really fucked up.

If I end up in the hospital again, I’m going to have this mare taken away. She’s clearly some sort of unstable war vet. I decide to make my retreat a bit more hasty, and make a dash for the entrance to the forest.

Only about twenty feet down the trail, I’m greeted by a cackling Gladius crashing into the ground ahead of me, feathers askew and fire in her eyes. And no, that’s not a metaphor, there is literal flames pouring from her eyes, and I’m more than a little worried at this point. “Anthony! Stop runnin’, and get in there! You need a sword? I got a spare!” she shouts, flicking her wing and a two-foot-long length of sharpened bronze embeds itself in the mud at my feet. “C’mon, you wuss!”

“I’m not a wuss, you’re a fucking psycho!” I reply, grabbing the pony by her scruff and doing my best to drag her back to town. “We need to get out of here before someone gets hurt.”

“Ah, c’mon, don’t be a downer! I thought you were cool.” she says, beating her wings and pulling me along towards the battle; I, of course, let go.

“I don’t care if I’m cool or not, I’m not a complete dipshit and know a battle I’ll lose when I see it!” I defend. “Dunno if you heard, but I’m kind of lacking the ability to actually beat the shit out of things, meaning I can’t save you if you get your ass handed to you!”

She turns around, and I see the Timberwolf behind her; it’s not rearing up to attack though, there’s a lot of it smouldering, and it looks in pretty bad shape. “Just grab the sword! You’re a damned champion, whether you wanna be or not!” she shouts, just as a smaller timberwolf moves into view between town and me, the sword between us.

I scowl and grab the sword. “When this is over, I’m going to beat the shit out of your skull until you grow a brain and can understand the differences between ‘want to’ and ‘actually can’.” Taking a deep breath in, I hold the shortsword in a hand-and-a-half position, straight up right in front of me. I move my feet into position. I haven’t done this since Summer of 2011, and that didn’t involve an opponent with malicious intent. I wait for the Timberwolf to respond, taking small steps to it’s right, and keeping my stance as solid as possible.

The wolf growls, ‘only’ about as tall as my hips, but it seems determined to attack - if a little uncertain. It growls again, before getting ready to charge, judging by its stance.

I do my best to mimic the movements my instructor taught me. It’s not the same, but treating the wolf like the sword and arm of another person is the best I can do in this situation. I tilt my sword a bit to the side, getting ready to deflect a standard ‘stab’ move. The wolf will have a lot more momentum though, so I should probably move out of the way at the same time, if the mud on the ground allows me to do so while keeping balance. I focus on my motions in my head and take breaths as steadily as possible. Can’t panic. And never make the first move. If they can see it coming, they’ll have the first advantage. What else was there? Damnit... been too long. Is my grip even right? Was it left leg ahead, or- focus!

The wolf lunges forward, and I’m forced to dodge to the side, sword coming down in an involuntary chop - more instinct than training there, but it’s hard to remember technique in a real fight. The sword, much to my amazement, is heavy and sharp enough that the hit on the wolf’s shoulder makes a sound like an axe before being tugged out of my hands, embedded in the wood.

Shit, there goes that option. I have to get close if I want a chance at survival. Why’d that bitch have to drag me into this? Okay, keep calm... as calm as you can. Deep breaths... maybe I can get the sword back. Just don’t do anything fancy or reckless. Another sword, this one with a much simpler guard-wrap, something I’ve never actually had when using the training swords my instructor handed out, slams into the ground, smoking slightly. A glance to the side from me and the wolf lets us both see Gladius, teeth on the giga-wolf’s ear, getting rolled into the mud and come up the other side, still biting and trying to wrestle something the size of a small truck. And, from the look of things, winning. Whatever drugs she’s on, I want some. Maybe not for everyday use like her, but... damn.

However.... I now have another sword, and time to actually think this round. Grabbing the handle, I feel my breathing slow and an odd sense of calm settle over me. I can do this. I don’t know how I know, but I can.

Steeling myself, and returning to my defensive stance, I grip this sword tighter and prepare for a second strike. This time it seems I can remember a bit clearer. Handle in both hands, off-hand behind primary, left foot back. Even the wolf looks less sure now that I have my ground, and my confidence swells.

Blade slightly to the right of my center, held at a very slight angle outwards, and a firm grip. When it lunges, I’ll pull my sword to the left, and deflect with my blade standing vertical the entire way. Then, follow with horizontal swipe from the right, catching them as they try to reorient from the deflection. I can do this! I have no idea what comes over me, but I give the wooden-skinned wolf a glare and actually egg it on. “Come at me, bitch!”

The wolf’s eyes narrow, before it lunges, my hands moving almost as if they had a mind of their own. The blade of the bronze sword hits the wood and -instead of catching- slides through the wood like the slide hammer I’d used for chopping firewood; the strike was off-center, and ‘only’ shaves off a quarter of the wooden head from muzzle to neck, but the canid yelp of pain tells me that it was enough.

The wolf begins backing off, head held low and remaining ear back, and I’m faced with a choice; leave a hostile wood-animal-thing to potentially leave the forest and attack the town, or be merciful and let it be.

Not taking my eyes off of it, I figure the safest but most effective thing to do... I move around it and deliver a downward diagonal slice, usually a response to a deflected lunge, taking out one of its back legs. They don’t seem to bleed really, so I figure crippling it permanently and letting it live would work best. If it does come back, it’ll have a disadvantage I can exploit. Not exactly humane, but... necessary.

The wolf cries out, hobbling away to the edge of the clearing where it does something that sends a thrill of fear through me - a series of sticks from the ground fly through the air and bind themselves into the shape of a new leg, and it bounds into the woods.

Shit.

Turning back towards where Gladius is, I see her sitting and staring at a large pile of flaming wood. Well... that certainly solves that problem... however, I need to ask her what the actual hell is going on; she’s not a unicorn, so how is she throwing fire around? Why didn’t she tell me these Timberwolves can just regenerate? What kind of drug is she even on?!

I grab her yet again, and pull her towards the forest entrance again. “Come on, we’re going to talk about this once we’re back in town.” I also make sure I keep a grip on the sword I grabbed from her.

“Over drinks!” she amends, grinning happily. “Where’s the tavern?” she asks, looking up at me. The fire isn’t coming out of her eyeballs anymore, so that’s good at least. Idunno about taking her to the bar, though, given the copious amounts of flammable liquids there, but... well, actually, no, now a drink sounds pretty good. Also, why does my everything sting?

A glance down reveals that I’m covered in tiny scratches; nothing showing more than maybe a dot of blood that’s already clotted, but damn does that sting.

Sighing, I lead her to the Mug and figure I can ask about a mental hospital I can get her checked into. I enter the establishment for the second time today. I really hope Berry knows a good place I can drop off this crazy mare at.

THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD

Oh, who the hell is knocking so lou-

Okay, trying to open my eyes is a terrible idea. What did I do to Celestia that she’s upped the sun for me this morning?

Wait... when did I go to bed? I’m still fully dressed... and not in a bed...

Looking around with my eyes half-shut and squinting, I see I’m definitely in the library again, and it’s a bigger mess than before, with a few books completely ruined. Shit, Twilight is going to learn dark magic just so she can torture me to death and back to life again.

Also... there appears to be a very large Timberwolf head now mounted to a board and waiting to be attached to a wall somewhere. Given that the head is heavily charred and the size of, well... me, I’d hazard it’s from the one Gladius killed yest-

Wait, where’s Gladius?

THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD

Everything damn it all! Why is everything so loud?!

“Anthony! You alright in there?” comes the muffled voice of Berry Punch, apparently though the library door. And yet, in spite of being muffled, it’s the most painfully loud thing I’ve ever heard in my life, including both the concerts I’ve been to. “You were pretty drunk last night, I just wanna make sure you got home okay!”

“‘M fine...” I mutter, hopefully loud enough for her to hear. Wait... I got drunk? Damnit. I sigh and do my best to sit up. Eventually finding myself on my feet and very wobbly, I feel the weakness in my legs like I hadn’t eaten in way, way too long. I head over to the door and open it as slowly as possible, hoping to let in as little light as possible at a time. I also note that the hinges haven’t been tended to in the last... year. I cough for a sec, and groan out a proper reply. “Sorry to worry you...”

Berry looks up at me in worry. “Yeah, I hadn’t seen you get drunk before; did you do that regularly where you’re from?” she asks, a note of concern in her voice. She has taken it down a bit, and I’d guess she’s recognized my hangover.

“The sheer act of getting more than a bit fuzzy in the head officially breaks my life-long track record. I don’t even know how I act under the influence... please tell me I’m not a violent drunk.” I plead.

“No, no, you weren’t anything bad, if a bit more ‘down’. Mostly you chatted with several of the other patrons, and then started explaining, ah... I believe was something called Who? Or Doctor Who? I think that was it.”

I sigh and grasp my throbbing forehead as I lean against the doorframe. “Okay, so I geeked out, that’s fine. Long as I didn’t-”

“Of course, after that, you came back here with two mares and that third one that came with you to the Mug.”

I wince as my brain vomits violently. “Motherfucker... This is not what I needed...” I sigh. “Okay... I’m just going to hope I didn’t do anything, and go on from there. As for the mare that came with me... she was... do you know of a place where I can take someone who is mentally ill and very violent?”

“Mentally ill? She seemed quite fine, even if she did drink like she couldn’t feel the alcohol. Really boastful, though, I hope she never meets Rainbow Dash.”

“She basically lured me to the Everfree and... uh... I don’t remember much but I know that whatever happened there resulted in us being back at your bar.”

“She said you’d helped her take out an Alpha Timberwolf and a whole pack of others; I’d guess from your scratches she wasn’t lying.” Berry says, then jolts, apparently, remembering something. “Oh, you left something at the bar, I brought it along and... huh...” she pauses, looking into her saddlebag, before looking puzzled. “The sword isn’t here, I could’ve swore I’d...” she trails off, looking next to my leg. A glance to side reveals the sword, gleaming softly in the sunlight, leaning next to the door.

“She probably left out the part where she started that fight... This is hers, but with her acting the way she was, I say we keep weapons out of her reach.” I sigh, grabbing the sword and... woah. A wave of dizziness comes over me and I stumble a bit. I go to grab my head and I feel... actually a bit better. Not by much, but... the hangover is less. “Anyways, uh... do you know who the other mares I left the bar with were? I want to apologize for... anything that might have happened.”

“Oh, yes, it was Flitter and Cloudchaser; Flitter seemed especially snuggly with you.” Berry says, shooting me a small smirk. “Y’know, when you aren’t acting so high strung, you’re surprisingly charming.”

“I’m pretty good at faking charm.” I agree. “Alright, well I’ll see if I can track them down. I hope I didn’t do anything regretful. Thanks for checking up on me. Oh and if you see Gladius again... remind her she shouldn’t go about picking fights with Everfree wildlife.”

“Will do. You’re gonna want some water and heavy foods in your system, it’ll help the hangover. Seeya later, Anthony!”

I nod and wave before closing the door. Heading to the kitchen, I get a glass and fill it up at the sink. That and the mountain of leftovers I still have from the restaurant Myrna took me to will work. Once I’ve hydrated and eaten I head upstairs. I guess I’ll take a shower, get myself cleaned up and hopefully wake myself up faster. As I get to the bottom of the stairs, though, two pegasus mares are coming down them, both with identical colors and the same messy frazzle of notably unkempt hair.

“Hey Anthony!” one of them says, coming over and nuzzling my belly with her face and hugging me. “Thanks for listening to me last night, it was really nice to have somepony to talk to.” before heading towards the door, the other smiling and nodding as well.

Okay... as long as that’s all that happened, I think I’m safe. Thank goodness. Last thing I wanted to do was lose it to some random chick, let alone a pony... sighing in relief I head upstairs and when I get to the bathroom, I hear water running already. Figuring there were only so many options, I knock on the door. No answer, but just to be sure I knock a bit louder.

“Yeah? Whozzat?” comes the response from inside the bathroom; it’s very definitely Gladius’ voice.

“The guy who you dragged into random combat and got absurdly plastered. Just a heads up, he’s pretty pissed off.”

“Awesome. You wanna spar once I’m done? Or come and join me? I noticed you didn’t join when we got really started last night, ya just kinda passed out in that chair.” The tone in her ‘come join me’ makes it pretty clear she doesn’t mean for just showering, and my face twists into a scowl.

“Thank the stars I didn’t!” I hear a snort from the bathroom at that, “I have a reputation to maintain you know, and it’s actually one worth maintaining!”

“Yeah, you save people! Also, no need to thank me, but you did look pretty awesome when you finally squared up on that one wolf.”

“I mean a reputation that I won’t get in someone’s pants at the drop of a hat, if I lost my damn virginity to a pony I’d wring your neck!”

“Ah, c’mon, you seemed pretty close to what’s-her-name, Twitter? She seemed to like ya.”

I grasp my temple. “You are a real piece of work, you know that? Who the fuck raised you? Vikings?”

“What’re Vikings? And besides, nobody raised me, we’re stars! Why should we be anything less than ourself?”

Wait... oh shit, don’t tell me she’s... When she called me her ‘brother’...

I grasp my temple. “Oh, you’re one of those damned Constellations... what, you think Lyra didn’t give me enough shit to worry about? Now you send another one of you down to screw with me further?”

“Oh, right! I totally forgot, I was supposed to come and check on ya.” the sound of the water stops. “The others felt ya dim, and I thought, ‘Hey, he’s a big boy star, he can handle himself’, but Coronae said someone had to go and check on you. So we volunteered, and you’re fine, right?” she calls out, sounding like she’s towelling off vigorously.

“Would have been a lot better if you hadn’t dragged me to the forest to get attacked, then somehow convinced me to drink my brains out! I came back with two complete strangers and this isn’t even my actual house! Twilight’s going to bite my head off if she finds out about any of this!”

“Ah, we’ll just get that servant of hers to take care of it. Hey, I know! Let’s go fight a dragon or someth- oh. Oh damnit.” she cuts herself out with a disgruntled-sounding snort and opens the bathroom door, looking around. “Get the door and tell Galeam to go fuck himself, he needs to lighten up.” A moment later, there’s a loud knock at the door downstairs.

If that’s who she says it is, I could use a guy who listens to reason right now. Sticks up butts aside... he’s the right guy for the job. I head downstairs and, opening the door, see Galeam standing there. “Hey, I got a bit of a problem. Your ‘sister’ is being a right cunt and I need her out of here ASAP.”

Galeam’s scowl deepens, and I actually feel a bit afraid as he simply walks past and partially through me, his side turning to darkness and starlight for a few moments until he stalks up the stairs towards the bathroom.

Assuming this is taken care of quickly, I may be able to clear up this mess before Sparkle gets back. I look over the books on the floor and take note of the ruined ones. Question is, how did that even happen? I mean, what would we have done that would ruin them? Several have muddy tracks over them... one appears to have dried blood flaked onto it... a bunch look like they were simply trampled and forgotten, ripped in the process...

A loud ‘THUD’ comes from the upstairs, followed shortly by some shouting and the sound of something being thrown through a window. A moment later, a similar thud as before sounds off, this time right outside the window I’m nearest. Gladius appears to be in a crumpled, swearing heap on the ground. My biggest question right now is how such a violent, reckless, heedless jerk could be in a position of power. Let alone one of such monumental scale.

When will folks stop putting morons and people who may be actually mentally challenged in positions of power they never earned?

Moments later, Galeam cannonballs from the second story right into Gladius, grappling her and putting her in a pony-style sleeper hold, before both start turning all black and starry, fading away after a moment.

Aaaand leaving a massive dent in the lawn. Great, one more thing I’ll be yelled at for.

Jump to top

Chapter 47

I really hate when I’m going to be yelled at for things I didn’t do or get enjoyment out of having broken... Twilight’s book mess downstairs seems a much less daunting task than trying to repair the broken window or filling in that crater so...

Heading downstairs, I turn to the mostly-empty shelves and search for a sort of indication of what genre or style of book is supposed to go on said shelf and after a bit of difficulty I find it, sort of.

Rather than have actual words there’s symbols, which I assume must be indicative of what sort of shelf it is. This one’s a chalkboard, so I assume it would be for scholastic material. Given that’s my best bet, I start rummaging through the books that are around. Process is pretty repetitive and boring. Look at title, match to likely destination, place on shelf ordered by author. Rinse and repe- ah damnit... I groan as I realize the book I just grabbed is covered in dirt and stuff.

Guess I need a new ‘damaged goods’ pile for the books that are dirty, torn, or soiled in general. Ugh, hate handling dirty or wet things, especially since I’d then have to sort through the clean books, and I don’t want to mess any more of them. Having to check every book I grab for damage and wipe off my hands after each “damaged” one is gonna make this take so much longer...

Ugh... am I done yet? Feels like I’ve been at this for six hours. Looking at the shelves, I can tell I’ve made some progress, but not much closer to finishing. Not that it was going to be easy after Hurricane Sparkle went through and messed the place up to begin with. I suppose I should do something to at least make more room down here. Moving the admittedly-impressive timberwolf trophy to my room with significant difficulty, I realize how small of a room I have. Small closet (not that I have many clothes to begin with), small window, small chair, small bed...

With no real wall space to hang the trophy, supposing I could even lift it more than an inch for several moments, I just leave it on the floor, giving me even less room than before, not counting my pile of stuff. Why don’t I just get my own place? Because we haven’t the slightest idea how the housing market works around here. You shut up. Because I’m scared of living on my own- You shut up! Valid points either way. Fuck off already... so tired. Eat something, moron! Haven’t had food since this morning... At least the sausage is tasty. And Myrna paid for our broke ass. She really is nice. And pretty! Yeah, except for the chest and teeth, yeesh. Hey, only being half butterface isn’t bad, and she likes me. When we’re not being the most awkward dork in the world. Go talk to her again, she makes me feel good. Eat, you retard! Easy with that word... It is true though. This is getting annoying. Pass out or get a lobotomy, else we stay. Ugh, no thanks. Would that even hurt? Don’t wanna find out. Shut the fuck up, I want to get stuff done! Like what, complain about having a tiny place to sleep? Let’s fuck around with our stuff. Like what? How about that gauntlet?

Oh yeah... that gauntlet. I move over and sift through the boxes until I find the brown box that had it. Pinkie was right, aside from the armor itself the box is empty. No card or note or any sort of label. Strange. It looks the same as before. Sturdy steel with silver and brass inlays. I mean it could be copper... color is right, but brass is more likely as it’s sturdier in general and the inlays don’t seem to be on or near the joints; indicative of the decorative metals not being very flexible. It does look like it would fit my hand and it’s even right-handed, allowing more protection to the hand I’d be holding a weapon in.

I look over the design more closely, maybe a hint as to its origin or creator is hidden in the product itself. I know now that it’s common practice for many ponies to put their Cutie Mark on major products, like a signature or personal emblem. Not like there’s any sort of database I could use to reverse-search for the pony based on Cutie Mark. The most I could probably get is a census for Ponyville from the mayor and have her check her records of citizens and try to match the mark.

Not that even that would help as I can’t find a particular marking anywhere that isn’t a direct part of the gauntlet’s filigree. It’s so strange.

Maybe for now I should return to organizing the remainder of the library books. I don’t know what sort of test takes so long. I mean... it’s mid-afternoon on the day after she left. If something happened, she’d be fine I guess but it is rather odd. As I move books from piles to shelves, I can’t help but feel like something went wrong. I mean, if it actually were a typical test, it would never take this long. Then again... Option A: Twilight was actually right in assuming that she was being tested on everything she knows which would probably take an entire week. Option B: It wasn’t a test in the scholastic sense whatsoever but a test of something else entirely. That is plausible, since the only reason anyone assumed it was a typical schooling exam was Twilight, and at the time she was on High-Octane Anxiety.

But the one thing that would be a constant is that, whatever the test is, Celestia is orchestrating it. So what could Celestia need from Twilight? And... why wouldn’t her friends come back once her testing began? It was issued to her alone, the other Element Bearers just went along as a support group. So what’s going on, then? And how do Twilight’s friends fit in to it when they weren’t originally summoned in the first place? Not to mention the information Twilight was given was incredibly vague. If it was clear, she wouldn’t have needed to jump to conclusions and freak out. Is her neuroses... part of it all? An expected element?

What game are you playing, Celestia? You clearly have a hand in this... as well as just about everything. Even her “faithful student” is a pawn to be moved about, it would seem. That sort of behavior is reason enough not to fully trust her, but the ponies just seem to accept it, think that her secrecy and manipulation isn’t a big deal and needs no explanation. Heck, as far as I know, I’m the only person who never fit into her machinations. They call me crazy for being so suspicious and, while I am fairly insane, she’s never given me any particular reason to trust her, never given me a straight answer for anything if she bothers to answer at all.

Maybe I’d be less of a thorn in her side and vice-versa if she didn’t act as if she could dance around me like I’m just another one of her four-legged puppets she’s convinced to her side. It’s not their fault of course... she’s been in power since the births of dozens of generations. It wouldn’t be too hard for her to abuse their herd mentality. She was in power when their great-grandparents were children, her being in power would just seem natural to them, the way things were meant to be. Should be.

Even assuming she didn’t intend for that particular mindset to grow, it’s easy to see how it could form across an entire country without any input from herself. All conspiracies aside, it has happened, and it makes sense that I’m the only one who sees it... I have an outside perspective of it all. On purpose or not, she’s built a status quo around herself that she should be in power and she is, for better or worse, their one true leader. That is very very dangerous.

I look up from my idle work at the shelves, and I’ve gone through a fair chunk of it by now. I’m not sure if I’ll be done by the time Twilight gets back though, considering I have no idea when she plans to return. Not even a letter or anything. Surely there’s some way to get a message to me, right?

Ugh... I need to stop worrying about all this, things are probably fine, Twi’s likely just as bored as I am.

I need something to do. Maybe see how Myrna’s doing. These books aren’t going to be any harder to deal with later anyways. She said she was working for some construction crew or something, which makes sense given she can shape stone with her hands.

While the town is pretty large, she’s pretty well-known around town, so asking random ponies gets me a lead pretty fast. I eventually make my way to a worksite, with a bunch of ponies working on a house. The strange thing is that the house looks already built. Myrna’s there and pretty easy to spot, though what exactly she’s doing I’m not really sure.

I walk around to where she’s at, and I still can’t figure it out. Might as well get her attention. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Oh, hey, Anthony. Bit busy right now.” she replied, before sliding in under the ground. She didn’t come up for a minute or so, and she only came up for a breath when she did before going back under. Maybe the ponies nearby know?

I look around and spot a stallion who appears to be on a break of sorts, except he’s got a sandwich in one hoof and he’s doing whatever with another. “Hey, whatcha got going on?”

He looked up for a moment, at first around my waist height before meeting my eyes. “Oh, hey. Just working on shorin’ up a few foundations. A couple of the recent incidents have cracked some of them, and it’s easier for Snakey to fix ‘em than to dig up the whole durned house.” he said.

“Makes sense.” I replay. “I mean... she can just swim down there and -somehow- mold the cracks out and stuff. Still trying to figure out how it works but it seems pretty handy.”

“Yeah, saves us a ton, and that saves the folks here a ton a’ money too. I bet there won’t be any little fillies and colts staying home instead of goin’ off to trade school or college ‘round here.” the guy said, before going back to eating his sandwich. I guess I am interrupting his lunch.

Myrna’s coming back up again, so I figure I could try talking to her. She really does seem to be making decent work of this, so the pay must be good, even if it’s cheaper for everyone. Should probably find something I can do super easy with my powers once they come back. Either way... “So, this looks pretty easy. I was thinking maybe when you get off we could hang out a bit or whatever.”

Myrna waved me off. “We’ll figure that kind of thing later, Anthony, I need to get three more basements fixed before the rain scheduled for this evening. We don’t want anyone’s stuff getting flooded out.” she said, before taking another deep breath and diving again.

I wait for her to come back up before trying to continue. “I guess... I was just hoping we could do something. I’m getting a little tired of everything and wondered if you had anything you wanted to do... I guess I’m open for whatever you want.”

“Not now, Anthony. I have a job to do, you know.” she said, her tone a bit more sharp this time before another dive into the earth.

What did I do? No need to be so harsh. “Yeah? Well maybe I-” I can’t really think of a finisher. I... huh, normally this attitude just pisses me off but... I sigh and walk off. “No, you’re right. You have a responsibility here and I just... never mind.”

I head away from the site, feeling a lot less angry than I have in a while. Not happy, but... not angry. I guess she decided to hold back a bit because she at least calls out that we could talk later. She sounded less... bitter, I suppose. I just shrug and keep walking. Man... I’m really not angry. That’s strange. I’ve been pretty pissed at everything for... ever.

Weird. Oh well, maybe I’m just running out of... steam? I guess? Eh...

I really don’t want to spend any more time at the library, as it’s getting really dull just sitting around, doing literally nothing. What else could I do?

Pinkie’s out of town with the rest, I’m totally broke, gave most of my candy to Ruby and Noi... huh, wonder what the other kids are doing? Wait... is it a school day today? Was I at the Mug earlier today... or yesterday? What’s today? Ugh, the worst part of total boredom is that time just bleeds together...

I... I guess if it’s tomorrow... today. If today is yesterday’s- hell, I’m gonna give myself a headache, I need to stop. If it was yesterday, then today is... or... isn’t a school day? Bleh... whatever, I mean I’m not far from the schoolhouse, wouldn’t take much to check. If they are stuck in school for today then... oh well.

Well, there’s nobody outside, but it seems today is a school day. Can’t hear anything and can’t see the blackboard from this window but I guess I could just wait off to the side. They’ll get out eventually I suppose.

I should be used to just spacing out for hours at a time by now, right?

I have no idea if hours have passed, or only minutes, but in either case, I don’t have anything to distract my brain with out here. The children’s playset is small in comparison to a regular pony, and since I’m not it’s absolutely tiny; the sandbox has just enough sand to support a fistful to throw at bullies (or save for later use as pocket sand) but there’s not really anything else. Last time I tried using the tiny jungle gym I almost couldn’t untie myself from a knot involving both legs and about three metal poles.

After a bit more mental wandering, Cheerilee comes out. “Hello Anthony, did you need something?”

I didn’t expect her to come out or even see me. “Huh? Oh... uh, I uh, not really? I was just really bored.”

Cheerilee gives me that confused smile she’s really good at. “Ah, well I was just wondering since you’ve been sitting outside the window for about half an hour.”

“Oh... Sorry, I didn’t mean to disrupt or anything. Didn’t realize it was a school day.” Or that today was today. “I figured I’d just wait for everyone to be out.”

“Ah, alright. Well, we’re just doing a small unit on world history after our math lesson, if you wanted to sit in on that; you’ve mentioned being from another world, so I think that might interest you?” the comment was both suggestion and question in one, but at least it was meant kindly.

I think for a bit. It might be interesting to see what sorts of things I could learn if starting from an elementary level as opposed to Twilight shoving almanacs and atlases in my face. “That’d be neat. Sure.”

“Alright. I just came out to check on you while we were transitioning to math, so you could sit in on that while you wait. Give you something to do. I doubt the playground is very entertaining with nopony else around.”

I nod. “Yeah, okay.” Actually, that makes me wonder... what sort of grade are they in. “What’s the math lesson on? Getting up to multiplication and such?”

“Oh, that was a few weeks ago, we’re on to division, primarily fractions.” Cheerilee informs me, as she heads back inside, me following.

I try to ignore the fact that me entering grabs pretty much everyone’s attention, all eyes on me and any other action dropped. “Oh... joy. Fractions. Well, I guess it’d be better than literally nothing.”

“Are fractionth that bad?” one of the little ponies asks, a girl with pinkie-grade curly red hair and a notable lisp.

I realise that the rapt attention they’re giving me means that they heard that. “Well, not really that bad once you get the hang of them. Bit of a learning curve. I did better with percentiles and such, fractions are just decimals with more lines.”

Cheerilee smiles at this. “Very well-put, Anthony. Yes, that’s exactly correct. Fractions, decimals and percentages are all the same, just in different positions and appearances. That’s worth noting, class.”

The students, though rather confused by the explanation, all begin taking the information down in their notes. Huh. That moment when you accidentally a wisdom. Still, everyone seems to be getting the gist of it fairly well, though I notice that Scootaloo, a lanky, dark blue pony, and the orange giraffe-looking kid are all having troubles. Well, maybe not on that last one, he’s possibly just taking his time.

It doesn’t take long for me to get a little glass-eyed over all the mathematics I’d passed through about twelve ages and a lifetime ago. I’m snapped awake when one of the kids tries to get my attention, apparently trying to get help with something. “I don’t think I’m qualified to be a TA.” I reply out loud. “If you have a question, just ask your teacher. Raising a hand doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”

Cheerilee looks over to me and seems to be having a better and better day every time I open my mouth. “Thank you, nervousness is usually a problem. Yes, questions are good.” She walks over to the blue pony, and she starts helping.

I shrug. I’m just explaining all the stuff I learned in school and suddenly I’m a genius... joy. And... also in elementary school... well, at least I’m not considered average with the students here.

Still, the kids all seem to be gravitating towards me, and most of the problems arising for the kids are basically amounting to misinterpreting the story problems. A few corrections on word meaning help out a lot there, especially because just like the math books from Earth, the publishers occasionally forget they aren’t talking to postgraduate algebra students.

Whoever this guy is who can hold fifty-eight carrots at once is, he must have a really bad time jerking off...

Also, cutting a pie into slices doesn’t give you less pie... just more pieces. If I have a pie, I’m eating it. Doesn’t matter how many slices I cut it into, I’m still getting the whole damn pie.

If I have thirty rocks and somebody takes twelve, how many do I have left? Zero, I chucked the rest at the asshole.

... Y’know, I forgot how much fun you can have, mentally heckling the word problems. Though that’s about as much fun as I can have from all this, as the rest is, well, math. I don’t hate math, I just don’t find it interesting or useful unless I’m applying it for a specific purpose that I care about.

After what is supposedly an hour but is clearly twelve days and five-eighths of an eternity, the math is done with and Cheerilee mentions that they’re swapping over to world history. It really should be a priority of mine to learn more about this world. I mean, I live in it and all. But then, I gave just as many fucks about history class back on Earth. Mainly because they were boring as heck.

“So, last we left off we were talking a bit about the origins of the traditions around underwater basket weaving, but I think that today’s history lessons could be a little further from home.” Cheerilee states to the class, and I’m left wondering what the heck basket weaving has to do with anything but... whatever. “How about we learn a little bit about where Anthony comes from? Won’t that be interesting?”

“Depends on what you ask about.” is all I can reply. “I don’t really have a lesson plan, but I guess I can just answer questions.”

Cheerilee smiles. “I’m sure that’s fine, come on up to the front, and we can take turns asking questions.”

I shrug and walk up to the blackboard. Man... chalk really doesn’t smell good at all. How long until they invent dry-erase stuff? Not that dry-erase smells good, just not as bad.

One hoof goes up, and the first brave little squirt asks their question when I point at them. “Mr. Anthony, does everyone where you come from have super powers?” a little brown-and-white one in the back asked, voice a bit soft.

“Nope. It’d be pretty interesting if we did, though.” Horrifying would be a better word, but I’ll save that bit of speculation for later. “I didn’t have any special powers until I got here.”

This time a bigger group of hooves went up. Picking through them, I pointed at the red-maned one from earlier. “Wath thchool like thith where you came from?” Kid’s got a lisp like a duck has webbed feet.

“Yeah, pretty similar, but mostly comparable to my elementary days. High school was a whole different experience.” I answer.

“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck-” Seems some kids want to have a laugh at this.

I cut off the question quickly. “About three-hundred and sixty-two cubic centimeters, give or take.” Kid shut up quick after that.

The next hoof was a follow-up to that answer. “Did you need fractions to calculate that?” from a small, lilac hoof in the back whose owner I couldn’t actually see.

“Well, the ‘give or take’ part I mentioned is generally shown as an extended decimal, as that’s most common when writing out measurements, but yes. I just rounded up for the sake of simplicity. It’s slightly less than 362, but also more than 361, so the fractions help bridge the gap without being wrong.” This is easy, actually. And I’m looking really fucking smart as a bonus. “Anyone else wanna piggyback on the joke, or we got newer questions? I’m open to both.”

Everyone in the class ‘ooh’d at my impressive ‘math’ skills, and I pointed to the next person in the group, specifically Sweetie Belle. “So, Anthony, back where you came from, what were your princesses like?” she asked, tilting her head slightly.

“Well, different countries had different sorts of governments, and while there were monarchies, the place where I lived didn’t have princesses.” I explain, assuming that this would probably just confuse them more.

“So then, who raises the sun in your world?” one of the other kids asked without raising a hoof.

Oh boy, big answer time. I take a breath before getting into the explanation. “Gravitational pull from the the more massive Sun moves planet Earth around said sun as the planet itself spins. This means that throughout the day, the surface of the sun faces different portions of the planet, so when it’s daytime in one place it could be afternoon or night elsewhere. The planet spinning creates the illusion of the sun “moving across the sky” when seen from Earth’s surface. In truth, it’s the Earth that’s always moving with the sun staying where it is, no magic involved.” I take a moment to draw a basic Sun-and-Earth model on the chalkboard with arrows and stuff to help them picture it. “Gravity does some really cool things, especially in the total vacuum of outer space.”

All the little ponies look either confused or amazed at the ideas I’m giving out, so at least it seems I’m keeping the group entertained. And informed, though that’s clearly not the local method, it’s still good for them to know. Probably.

Cheerilee looks like she’s taking notes on this, more than the kids. She’ll probably have more complicated stuff to ask sometime later.

There’s a slew of other questions from there, ranging from asking about how much magic humans use normally (nobody seems to believe me when I said none at all) to asking about what some of the coolest animals back home were (Had to ask them to specify between reptiles, mammals and birds as a single answer would be way too difficult to narrow down), and a few other questions of a similar enough nature.

After a while they seem to have run out of questions so I decide to wrap up. “Alright. Well that was more of a lesson on general cultural differences than actual history but I hope this worked well enough?”

I get a smile and a nod from Cheerilee. “It makes sense. We’d have to know about the place before we dive into particular events and the why’s and how’s... but it was certainly educational. Thank you very much for that. I’ll have some more questions of my own but that will have to wait for another day. Now it’s lunch, and recess after that.”

The kids all put away their books and such and pull out whatever they brought to eat. Watching people eat makes me pretty hungry, but it’s a really long way from here to the library, so I’m stuck with no food. Eh, I’ll eat enough to make up for it later. Getting hungry in general is so annoying.

After my belly rumbles two or three times, though, I feel a couple of taps on my knee. “Would you like thome peppermint twittht?” the little red-haired pony asked, offering an honest-to-goodness candy cane to me, this one with a red-and-green color to it. “I added fruit flavorth to thith batch, I think they’re pretty good.” she said.

I thank her and take it, and I spend the rest of the time sucking on it. It’s pretty good, actually. Haven’t had anything minty for... about a year now, actually. It’s nice. The fruity-bits are pretty nice, raspberry is always a win in my book.

A moment later, a couple of the others come up to offer me little bits and pieces of their lunches; alone, any one of them wouldn’t be more than a snack, but together... well, it’s a more substantial snack, but it’s really nice of them. Also, I have a couple more pieces of candy for later, including something that is like a round Reese’s cup from the description I was given.

After a few more offerings I start feeling a bit self-conscious about everyone giving me something for no reason and I tell them to keep it, they’ll probably enjoy it more anyways, etc. I like gifts and all, but I’m not much of a “taker” unless I feel I’ve earned something. Feels weird being handed something by everyone, like some kind of tribute for an idol. After some time, we get to recess, and the children stampede out the door, a term that is almost hauntingly accurate given that they’re ponies and all.

Again, I am the center of attention, which I like of course. I rather enjoy being a sort of celebrity, and the kids are just nice. Even that Diamond Tiara girl seems to be behaving which, according to the Crusaders, basically never happens. Guess I count as “adult supervision” and make her a little less willing to be a douchebag.

After a bit, Noi and Ruby show up and they immediately ask where I got the “Snappy-Candy” I gave them. I tell them I got them from the candy shop run by Bon-Bon, and go into the Pop Rocks explanation for them.

“You got candy from my thithter and gave it away?” the red-haired girl who gave me the candy stick asked. “Lotth of ponieth get pretty greedy about her candy.” she said, likely to explain her question when I turned to look at her.

“She said it was something she wanted to try out but ‘failed’. She sold me a bowl of it. The funny thing is, I have no idea what she was trying to make, but it’s exactly like a candy I knew from Earth.”

“And you called them Pop Rocks?” another kid asks. “What’s it like?”

“I took some home, but gave the rest to Ruby and Noi. I don’t have any on me, so you’d have to ask them.”

“We left most of it at home.” Noi says. “But we brought some to show around. It’s really cool!”

Soon after that statement, I am no longer the center of everyone’s attention, and kids are asking to try the candy. It takes a while, and some help from me, to evenly distribute the small bag that Ruby had to give everyone a little bit. More of that fractions stuff, though it seemed a lot easier for the kids when they could actually hold the stuff and separate it out for real.

Kinetic learning needs to be part of the curriculum in math, it really does.

It doesn’t take long after the distribution and every kid is amazed by the candy and all trying to figure out how it works. The sound of everyone’s mouths hanging open and the snapping noise that came with it was getting a little aggravating, but I stick around long enough for the amusement of the kids who didn’t care much and just ate their portion outright.

This was a nice day overall, and by the time recess is over I’m tired enough that I’m ready to go back to the library. There’s still a fair amount of daylight left, but I need to sit down and eat something. As great as candy for lunch sounds, it really doesn’t do you any good, sadly.

Jump to top

Amazing Fantasy

Soon it’s nearing nighttime and I figure it’s best if I turn in for the day. All the way back to the library, my mind kept retracing Myrna snapping at me earlier. Especially the part where I just... shut down. It’s unusual, being so... I can’t find the word. Unaggressive. Not that she’s wrong in any way, and it’s not worth getting angry over not being the center of attention, but for a long time now I’ve been so mad about everything. Anything got me upset and I’d just... boil over. It’s a bit worrying, really. When did that even start? Why am I suddenly not anymore? Why did I back off and apologize?

I trudge my way into my room and fall onto the bed backfirst. I feel so confused. Why now am I so... submissive? I mean, I was before but lately I’d explode over the smallest, inconsequential thing, and now I just can’t. I can’t get angry... Why do I care? What’s wrong with me? My hate is gone... isn’t that good? Why does it feel bad?

How can I change just like that? Suddenly become different for no reason... it scares me... what else is different? It’s just so difficult to figure out. When did I change? What all is different now? For better or worse? Why can’t things go back to normal? I just... I want to be me! Why is it so damned hard to figure out what that means!?

I used to know... I used to have a clear mental picture of who I was... It’s so hard to wrap my head around all of it right now, when I’m so tired. Sleep is so inconvenient when it’s a necessity and not a choice... wish I knew why my core is still buggy. Gladius said the constellations saw me “dim” whatever that means. I’ll make that... tomorrow’s problem too.

I find myself staring into a mirror at myself... but not quite. Me from before all of this. He looks younger and less weary. Eyes are bright, even as the troubles he’s faced show in them. It’s only been a couple fistfuls of months and yet it’s like he’s been gone for decades. He doesn’t look worried or frightened, he’s okay. Okay with himself and what’s happened even as he remembers all that he’s been through. How is he okay and I’m not!? I want that! I want to be okay!

Something rises in me, something strong and negative that I don’t have the words to describe as anything other than “not anger”. I slam a fist into the mirror and it spiderwebs into hundreds of segments, my fist becoming bloody and cut. Wincing through the dripping pain in my hand, I look again and he’s gone. I don’t see my reflection anymore, though in each shard a different face. They’re people I knew.

Friends, family and supporters. Staring at me through an impassable barrier, never to touch me again, even as I mash my damaged fingers into the glass, deepening my cuts and sending more pain arcing up my nerves. With each slam and desperate grab, a new depth of pain is met with a face disappearing. I can’t stop, and it continues until I can’t feel my hand anymore and there’s nobody left.

I don’t have anybody left. They’re all gone, and no amount of reaching out can pull them back to me. All I’m left with is myself, my anger, and my pain. And then, in one final punch to the sheet of damaged familiarity, the anger evaporates. I can’t scream anymore, I have nothing to blame and nothing to yell at.

I’m left staring into the endless dark gray by my lonesome, accompanied only by a pain that reminds me of everything I’ve lost forever...

A sound, a bit unlike heels on concrete, meets my ears. Of course, I’ve gotten to know that sound annoyingly well over the last however-long as the typical ‘hooves on surface’ noise. I look around and see Luna. Why is she... I’m dreaming... in hindsight, that’s obvious.

...I shouldn’t worry her, it’s not something she needs to be bothered with. These are my problems, nobody else needs to deal with them. I stand up and try to think of something to fill the strange void with but... eh, what I have already works, I guess. “Hey.”

“Hello Anthony; tell me, what troubles you this night?” she asked, straight to the point as always, as she continued to stride towards me.

“Oh, not much.” As if she can’t tell that’s a lie. “Not... not that big a deal.” She stared at me for a moment, and I swear her eyebrow was preparing to achieve escape velocity. The silence stretched, and even I’m starting to get uncomfortable. “So, uh... what brings you around? I don’t sleep much anyways, figured I’d be off the radar.”

“Your dreamscape was a nightmare; I came to relieve it, but it was already beginning to fade by the time I had arrived.” she sighed, and I saw the black peytral and crown/tiara thingy she usually wears simply evaporate. “Please, Anthony, speak to me of what was troubling you.” she asked - and that was, honestly, a bit of a shock. Her tone is genuinely one of ‘asking’ not one of ‘demanding’ like her sister’s.

I sigh, and try to think of how to explain it. “Well, pretty much the same thing that worries me in general. I guess I’m just having nightmares about it because I... actually sleep now.”

“Precisely why you showed up ‘on the radar’. It is rare that you sleep, let alone dream, so I had already planned on seeing how you were doing with your star core dimming. I assume this is... not related to your nightmare.”

“Not... entirely. Kinda. No... hard to explain.” I try to think of a way to put it. “It sort of has to do with my core, but in general, not because it’s wigging out. I suppose it’s more like I have trouble with being... here. In Equestria, I mean. The core is just sort of a side-effect of that for some reason.”

“Well, tell me what you do know - even if you do not understand the terminology, I may be able to help to some degree.” she says, laying down next to me; I’ll admit, ponies are very comfy to lean against as furniture.

I decide to give us a bit more of a relaxing scenery. By giving us... scenery. Considering what could work, I settle on something that would fit her. I pick a short grassy hill, at night, with stars and stuff. Mostly satisfied with my obviously-fake landscape, I lay my head back fully, resting it on her. “I mean, I sort of know what my overarching problem is, it’s just... I don’t wanna worry anyone with it. It’s not their problem, you know? I get that you help folks out with their personal issues, it’s literally your job but... we’ve established that I’m... I have more esoteric concerns.”

“That is true, but that does not make your troubles any less worth addressing, nor does it mean that there is no chance of me being able to help. At the very least, I can be here for you to articulate it to yourself, so that you may perhaps give yourself understanding. One might be surprised by how often the wisest advice is what we give ourselves.” she said the last part before chuckling. “Twilight gave us- gave me a book of quotes that I have very much enjoyed.” she admits.

“Yeah... I mean, I guess the biggest problem is that I don’t understand it. If I did, it’d be less of an issue. Question being... why am I here? What good reason is there for me to be where I am?”

Luna thought for a moment. “While I do not believe that is the biggest trouble your mind bears, I can at least state that whatever took you from your home and placed you into ours most likely sought to save you from what that lovely snake-woman has described befell your home.”

I snap back “Really!? Oh, great! That makes it so much better!” She balks a bit and I pause, figuring I should explain before I explode fully. At this point, eye contact is pretty much impossible. “You ever hear of survivor’s guilt? Something like that. Likely, I’d have been dead, sure. But is that really the worst outcome? I feel like I got the raw deal by not... not...”

“... by not perishing with those that you cared for?” Luna suggests, and I have to nod.

I take a deep breath and try to explain it as best I can. "Before I woke up here with this... thing lodged in my chest, I had a life. Sure it sucked a lot, but it was still my life and there were people who cared about me. People I cared about. Now... now I wake up here and I can never have it back, no matter what I do. All that’s left for me is this world where I'm totally out of place, surrounded by people who aren't even people people and it's just not worth it."

“The loss of those you care about is never something to take lightly, Anthony,” Luna begins, turning to supposedly make an attempt at meeting my eyes; it’s strange, but the whole world seems wobbly like I’ve got water in my eye, but... “and it would be unreasonable to demand you simply turn your back on what you no longer have. But, perhaps, consider that you have gained something as well?” she offers, and I notice she seems a bit bigger than before, about the same size as Celestia normally is compared to me, likely able to meet me eye to eye if we were both standing straight and facing one another.

"You know what it's like to have 'gifts' like this? Powers that don't do anything but hurt others and push them away?" I say, looking down at the ground. “This star core doesn’t do anything helpful, not really. All I do is use it to hurt the ‘bad’ guys and I’m a hero. That doesn’t make it anything actually beneficial. Just makes me a weapon. A weapon I barely know much about. You know how scary that-” I pause. “No, of course you know what that’s like... But it’s new to me! And I fail to see how it’s a good thing to have. It’s like the last nail in the coffin here. Not only am I dropped here to ‘just deal with it’ but I have this thing inside me that turned me into... someone who’s better at hurting others than normal folk.” I spark up in frustration, as if my star core was fully functional. I don’t look human except in shape. I’m just this semi-transparent, glowing silhouette with clothes on.

Luna nods. “Yes, it is often difficult to awaken and find yourself changed, no longer yourself but an idol, something to be looked at in awe, not a po- not a person to be understood.” I see a single tear fall from her eye, which she quickly rubs away. “We are most aware of the pain of suddenly knowing you will never bear friends that shall follow you through the ages, and the torment of having everything and everyone you know suddenly vanish from your grasp, without warning and without any chance to understand.”

I sigh. “I’d rather I died back there, really. I wouldn’t have to deal with all this. I used to contemplate suicide before, even made a few attempts... but I didn’t because I had things to lose. Those things are gone now... so why the hell not?” I look up at the ocean of stars in my dreamscape-sky. "There are so many small lights in the sky, flickering and glimmering. With hundreds of thousands of them up there, who would care or even notice if one light just... goes out." I return my gaze to the ground and power down, the fading glow leaving my body and the grass around me shrouded in darkness. It seems Luna picked up on the symbolism, as I feel a feathery veil wrap around me gently.

"I would." The response is a whisper, but the winged hug is so very warm and comforting in a way that makes me shudder. “I watch every night and count every star lost to time, every life that burns out in the darkness, and while I cannot stop every hope from being snuffed by the cruelties of life... I will not look away, and I will not forget them merely because they are small and one of many.”

I sit in silence for a bit, trying to... I don’t really know. Process, maybe. “It just... it feels like there’s no point to any of it. Like... why me? Why not anyone else? Out of several billion human beings, I got picked as the one to dodge the disaster before it even started. What makes me so damned special? I’m just a guy... I was fine with being just a guy... It confuses me why I got scooped up and dropped here, given this ‘incredible gift’ and left to cope, never being told why.” I sigh. “I mean, whatever happened to cause my relocation was probably random. No reason or specific choice, just... it just happened. I mean... if there was a reason... then that would imply there’s a reason for everything and-” I pause. “Let’s just say that I have to believe that there’s no such thing as destiny or fate.”

“Destiny is very much real, Anthony,” Luna begins, “But it is not something which is unbreakable; it is only a channel, and even water may spill from a channel without trying.”

I look towards Luna, and grit my teeth a bit. “There is no destiny. Period. There can’t be. That’s all there is. It’s bullshit, and I have a very good counter-argument if one suggests otherwise. But I doubt you’d like to hear it.”

“I have doubts you could sway my mind; I have gazed upon the Weave itself, if only once. But as I said, it is not something that cannot be deviated from, and chance will push people from their destiny as often as choice will.”

I sigh yet again, but decide to give her what she mostly asked for. “If destiny is real, then I have to ask why. Why everything. What was the reason for all that’s happened? What great design is there that requires me to want to kill myself, and just keep making it worse? I doubt you have an answer, and maybe that’s because there isn’t one. Pretty much my entire life would have to be water jumping out of your metaphorical channel just to excuse destiny existing.”

“Anthony, destiny has nothing to do with your choices, nor anything to do with your desires-”

I’m about to metaphorically bite her head off for even suggesting that my tragedies were events I chose but... She doesn’t understand, and it’s not her fault that she’s confused and backwards. “Let’s stop here before we get into something entirely unrelated, alright? I’d rather not... snap, okay? Let’s agree to disagree, please.”

She sighs, but nods. “As you wish, Anthony.”

“I know, you have your beliefs and I have mine... I just don’t see what the purpose of me having a star core is either. Myrna came by without one, demons have come through without them... why did I get this... great power or whatever? You all make a huge deal out of it but personally, I hate it.” I frown. “I mean... yeah, I get it. Why would I not want something that likely hundreds have wanted for years, tried to unravel the secrets of, etcetera etcetera... it just seems so pointless to me. If anything was supposed to make this easier... I’d rather have something I wanted. Out of every sort of crazy power I imagined potentially having, this literally never occurred to me.”

Luna pauses at this. “You have imagined other powers before?” she asks.

“...I mean, yeah. Pretty much everyone did it, especially when we were kids. I guess you wouldn’t have spent quite as much time thinking about what a ‘more powerful, better you’ would look like when you’re already some kind of immortal god-figure. But us mortals, at least on Earth, everyone wondered what we could be. What sort of special power we may have or get in the future.” I grin a bit. “I spent so much of my childhood reading comics, playing games, and just imagining what life would be like if I were... superior. Powerful. How would I get my powers? What could I fix with them? How would they work? Would I need to hide them and how?” I look up at the fake night sky. “Granted, other children didn’t think that far into details like I did... but it was something I thought about all the time, most of my childhood was just imagining... more. Being more. But out of all the ones I thought through and ‘planned for’, having an actual star inside me never even occurred to me once. So I just... show up here with one of the few powers I never even considered in all my years. One of the few options that I never anticipated, the one that would confuse me so much. Make me struggle to understand why I have it or what to do with it... beyond just being everyone’s ‘hero’ by turning the ones they dislike into various giblets.”

I let out a breath. I don’t need to breathe to talk due to dream physics but I still felt a bit winded.

“Well, perhaps it would be best then to spend some time with some of your new brethren; should you ever desire it, I can guide you to the realm of the night to meet them directly.” she offers, smiling to me.

I shrug. “I mean, I’ve met four. One just sat around scaring the crap out of me with that mystical bullshit, another is like an iceberg, a third is a total asshole with a libido set to ‘That lamppost looks sexy’ at all times... Libra’s the only one I met who seemed decent.”

“Ah, you have met the constellations. They are... different than the stars that compose them.” Luna said, which makes no sense at all at first. “Each constellation is a composite of all stars who have been part of them since the beginning, but the stars themselves may yet stand out from the others in the same constellation; as well, many of the stars do not reside in such a conglomerate.”

“See... I know what all those words mean and I can follow your explanation, but I still have no real idea what that means. I just... I guess I feel cheated that having random powers bestowed upon me never worked like the comics. ‘Just a normal, everyday person, until suddenly they get amazing powers beyond that of their everyman fellows!’ sounds so much better on paper and ink.” I hang my head a bit. “But I guess that’s my fault, for assuming something would happen the way I planned. Stupid assumption to make, given the track record.”

“Hmm... you speak of comics, and then of ink; I take it you do not speak of those who perform comedic acts upon the stage?” Luna asks.

“No, comedians are different. A comic book is... well, they’re called that because originally they were drawn stories meant to be funny. But the style became a medium all its own and it started being used to portray all kinds of stories. Horror, adventure, science fantasy... like books but with pictures. You didn’t just read what someone said, you got to see the expression on their faces and what they were doing. It’s like... theater, but each moment is frozen for you to follow along with by reading, instead of just watching.”

“That sounds... fascinating! Please, tell me more.” Luna says, looking for a moment like a small child or a puppy trying to show how eager they are.

“Well, I mainly stuck to the super-hero genre, as a lot of kids did. You guys have comic books, but some of the stories and such are a bit different from what I’m used to since... well, differences between humans and ponies. Super heroes were... they were heroes who were super. They could do things that others couldn't. They were like normal, everyday people but they had some special abilities or such that made them incredible, amazing, and... every kid wanted to be that. Comics got really popular because of that and it became a sort of outlet for fantasy and imagination. There were still comics for stuff like noir, and horror, and other things... but the ones that sold the best were the ones with super-heroes.” I lean back a bit and look into the night sky again. “It was nice, being able to escape into other worlds, where the impossible was possible for those lucky enough to have these gifts. Comics also introduced concepts like magic to a wider public, which is why I know what magic is -for the most part- even though humans don’t have it. It’s all fiction. I... I miss that, you know? Being able to ignore everything and just watch and read as someone else has their own adventures, removed from the problems I had to deal with. It was escapism, but... it was nice. With all the different kinds of books published following different characters, I discovered so many different kinds of powers and abilities, things that, while all fiction, was so wonderful to imagine what it’d be like if it could happen, to yourself even. It was... freedom. Freedom you could buy in a store for a couple dollars, printed onto paper.”

“Well, perhaps you could show me some of these comics? If you concentrate, you can show these images as best you can remember.” she asks, seeming to be rather interested.

“I could, I suppose.” I think. “But... what if I did something a bit more personal?”

Luna quirks her head. “Personal? Such as?”

The reminiscing and idea spur on a spontaneous good mood and I stand up, looking into the dreamscape. “We’ll need a change of scenery first.”

I focus on the world I want. Paved, busy roads that weave around a large city. A constant buzz of noise from everything around. Smells of all varieties from nearly every angle that finding a source for one in particular would be practically impossible. A big, wide-open sky touched by hundreds of tall buildings, and us standing on the flattened roof of one of them.

I look out at my created world, standing amidst an expanse of steel, brick and concrete, connected to the ground far below. It... is good. I turn to Luna who looks around. “This looks fairly similar to Manehattan, the few times I’ve been there. But never from so high up... what are you wearing?”

“It’s my costume!” I announce proudly as I show off the multicolored outfit, formed from my nerdiest of memories.“I figured I’d give you an in-person demonstration.”

She looks a bit interested, if apprehensive. “And these heroes wear that?”

“Only one of them wears this. Everyone’s got their own outfit. This is the costume from one of my absolute favorites. Always liked him. Oh, whoops, almost forgot!” I pull on the mask, finishing the ensemble.

Luna peers at it quizzically. “You look... striking...”

I grin, not that she can see it from behind the full-face covering. “Let’s get this show on the road!” I run at the edge of the roof at full tilt.

“Wait, you’ll fall!” Luna yells after me as I leap off the edge.

“Spider-Man doesn’t fall that easily!” I reply as I flip around in midair and launch an adhesive tether to another building, the line flying from my wrist-mounted web shooters with a very satisfying *thwip*. Grabbing hold of the web, I let gravity pull me down and the momentum swings me back up. I let go and knife through the sky feet-first. Holy shit this feels great! “Whooooo!”

Luna looks at the display with immense intrigue and she takes after me into the air with her large wings, hovering by the rooftop I landed on. “That is... incredible!”

I chuckle. “Nah, incredible is the other guy. Keep your eyes peeled, Lulu. This is gonna be amazing!” I punctuate by backflipping off my current rooftop and webbing a third building, and begin swinging around another skyscraper, and launching a line to its spire, spin my way down it. I grab onto a flagpole hanging off of it and swing myself around, letting go at just the right moment to propel me back through the air. The almost rhythmic timing of pressing on the web shooter buttons add an extra depth to the experience.

This feels so... so good. Flips, dives, twists, somersaults, swinging, zipping, and slingshotting myself around this city like it’s a giant playground, that thwip sound making me feel a little bit happier every time I hear it. The wind rushing by me, coupled with the shifting momentum and gravity is... almost intoxicating. It feels good! No better way to describe it, really.

I send out a few weblines out to buildings on either side of me and slingshot myself up with a huge rush of both the wind and my senses. I’m pretty grateful that dream-logic allows me to suppress my acrophobia entirely.

Luna is following along, watching my performance. “That seems... unnecessarily complicated and dangerous. If you could have any power or ability, why not simply summon your own wings and fly?”

I can’t help but laugh out loud as I keep swinging around. “No way! Flying around is way too easy, it’d just be boring! Birdhorses can keep their feathered crutches, I’d rather be spectacular!”

I twist around and fire off more webs, and keep flinging myself around the big city skylines. Luna keeps up until I make a sudden dive or such, gravity and momentum allowing for much sharper mobility than her flapping and gliding allows for.

“How would one even get powers like this, though?” Luna asks. “They are so... eccentric.”

I only somewhat respond, rather singing a bit to myself in reply. “Spider blood, spider blood, radioactive spider blood~...”

“Spider’s... blood? Radio... what?” Luna tries to parse my ‘explanation’ and she’s rather cute when she’s confused. I shrug in midair before catching myself and zipping back up to where she is.

I decide to stop messing with her and just enjoy this experience, not that it’s difficult to enjoy, I feel so... free. I don’t need to worry about anything, I can leave everything behind and just swing.

I do need to pay attention to where I’m putting my web and how fast I’m going in which direction of course, but it doesn’t take much. I can just keep moving and everything else just goes with it. I don’t need to focus very hard on what I’m doing, I can simply bask in the sensation of the flowmotion. If it ever gets too much to keep twirling around I can even slow down and just swing regularly, which has its own rhythm. Shoot, pull, release. Shoot, pull, release. Even the easy stuff just feels so... zen.

Everything is... fine. Nothing to stress over up here. I’m okay.

“You are certainly enjoying yourself.” Luna says, as she tries to keep up with my rather sporadic rate of motion. “It’s very nice to see you happy. You deserve to be. Joy shouldn’t be reserved solely for your imagination.”

I can’t think of how to respond to that, really. “Uh... thanks, Luna.”

“If this is the sort of experience comics can give you, I’m rather interested in seeing how it can benefit others. I must look into them at another time.”

“Well, this isn’t all there is to it. Heroes do more than just relax and enjoy themselves. They have a lot of other things they do.”

Luna nods. “I understand, but what do you mean by that, precisely?”

Right on cue, I can hear a bit of trouble brewing a ways below us. Looks like someone is being cornered by a gang of muggers. “Just like a pair of yellow text boxes once taught me. With great power, there must also come great responsibility!”

“That is... quite profound.” Luna muses in response.

“Yep, and it’s time to be ‘responsible’ all over those jerks!” I say as I swing lower, aiming myself down towards the ruckus in the alley. I grab onto the side of the building and crawl down it, slinking quietly towards the noise.

The crew of outlaws haven’t seen me yet so I need a good entrance. I fire a round of large webshots at one of them, and soon he’s bundled up, covered head to toe in the synthetic webbing. “Sheesh, if you’re my net income, I gotta rethink my career.” I say as everyone in the alley looks my way in shock.

The thugs wig out at my dramatic entrance. “Holy shit, man!”

“Who is this weirdo?”

“It’s... it’s...”

“That’s right!” I reply, striking a pose and dropping down between them and the poor man being mugged. “I’m Batman!”

“...What?” One of them questions my joke, and I trip him up by shooting a web at his shoe and yanking it back, landing him on his back.

“This freak is fast!” one exclaims dumbly as he pulls a gun.

“Indeed I am, Mr. Observant!” I laugh as I jump and flip over his head, dodging his bullet and kicking him from behind as I land, shoving him face-first onto the ground. “I’m quick as a whip with the quips and the thwips!”

“Who the hell is this whackjob!?” the guy on the ground yells as he goes to aim his gun at me again, but I can sense him pulling the trigger and immediately know the direction to dodge in.

The bullet misses by a mile yet again and this time I make an effort to disarm him, and I gunk up his hand around the gun. “Just a heads-up, pal; I suggest not touching yourself with that hand for the next hour.”

“Shut up, already!” he yells indignantly, though a note of fear is evident in his eyes.

“But that’s half my charm!” I call back. “Without my charm I’m just a poor little boy in a flashy outfit!” I feel someone behind me and I turn around, grabbing the large metal trash can that a third mugger was about to hit me with. I easily grab it mid-toss with one hand. “Oh yeah, I also have the proportional strength of a spider, and the ability to stick my feet to any surface for instant leverage.”

I drop the metal trash can in front of the poor man they were trying to assault, to make sure he’s got some cover from any further missed gunshots.

I continue ‘dancing’ around the poor street thugs, tossing out kicks and punches and webs as I dodge everything the aggressors throw at me, literally and figuratively. One guy rushes me with a baseball bat, and I move out of the way to purposefully making him miss by mere centimeters with each swing. “Hey, that was seven! It’s three strikes and you’re out!” I rip the bat from his hands and web it to one of the alley walls a couple yards above us. “Hit the benches, cheater!” I deliver a mighty swing that knocks him a ways back almost out of the alley entirely. “Or the outfield, whichever works.”

After a while, I run out of jokes to make so I decide to just clean their clocks. It doesn’t take more than four minutes after that for me to have all of the muggers either stuck to a wall, unconscious on the ground, or scared away from the fight.

The guy who was being attacked slinks out from cowering in the corner, likely trying to stay out of the fight as much as possible. “Wow... that was incredible!”

“Do I look green and angry to you?” I quip back, but help the guy onto his feet proper. “But you’re welcome. It’s all part of the job.” The one I don’t get paid for, at least.

“Who are you?” the grateful man asks, to which I cock my head.

“Uh, I’m Spider-Man.” I point at the black spider image on the chest of my costume. I’m about to zip off into the sky again when he continues.

“Well, yeah...” the man says. “But I mean... who is Spider-Man, really?”

I think for a minute, and then shrug. I launch a web into the air above me and begin swinging off, calling out behind me. “Ben Reilly!”

Jump to top

Chapter 49

I get up and stretch, tossing the covers off of me and swinging my feet over the bed. I’m tired... but I do feel better. Maybe that ‘dream therapy’ or whatever helped more than I imagined it would. Looking out the window, it seems to be somewhat-early morning.

I push myself up onto my feet and head for the bathroom. I pass by the broken window which lets in a nice breeze, reminding me of my simulated web-swinging and I feel pretty good. Just... not about the window being broken. A shower certainly helps me recover from the sleepiness, and the water cascading down my back relaxes me further. I let the water fall across me, the warm repetitive sensation seems to slow everything down. Maybe I’ll stay in here for a bit and enjoy this. Slowing things down... is a nice thought.

By the time I get out and have finished drying off with the small, pony-sized towels, I see that the clock says I’d been in there for over half an hour. Ah well, not like a water bill is something Twilight has to worry about. After throwing my usual clothes on, I figure I’d head downstairs. Maybe pick up and organize more of the books. Don’t have much else to do, anyways.

Huh... was this always here? I don’t recall there being a scroll on the table. Probably some of Twi’s notes she didn’t take with her. Wait, this is sealed still. A letter? It doesn’t have the red ribbon like the letters she gets from Celly, it’s... man, what’s the name of that color? It’s somewhere between violet and indigo.

The attractive siren known as Curiosity tempts me to open it and see what it is. Eh, if it’s important I can give it to Twi later. I take care with undoing the ribbon and the parchment unfurls easily like it hadn’t been rolled up for very long.

Dear Anthony

There is much to say, but I will keep my missive somewhat brief. I would like to reassure you that the things you said about how you feel are, while very serious, not things you should overworry yourself with.

My sister has impressed upon me frequently that there is nothing wrong with feeling out of place or unsure of yourself, and surely not of the anguish such feelings can cause. As for your insistence of being dangerous... I would like to congratulate you on your insight. Many ponies throughout history have not considered all the implications of how an increase in power could be just as ruinous as it is beneficial, and caused undue harm to themselves and others. While you may have troubles with containing your anger and rash behavior, being as concerned as you are with the consequences of your newfound abilities shows how thoughtful and responsible you can be. I hope that, with proper instruction and understanding, you will see for yourself the good in what you have done and can do in the future. Perhaps a visit with other stars would help in that regard, as I have suggested.

You have stated your belief that your coming to our world is not beneficial to you in any way and that such an event has given you a ‘raw deal’. I’m not quite sure what sort of life you led before this, but I must agree with you. Being forced into a situation against your will and changing everything you know is quite the harrowing experience. Your fears and worries are warranted, and I’d be more concerned if you were not upset by the transition.

I’m not entirely certain how you will receive this final statement, but I hope you take some time to ponder it. There is little expectation that you consider your ‘new life’ to offer any personal benefit. However, I’d like to suggest a shift in perspective. Think not of what disaster your life has become, but how others are living better lives because of your presence here. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who appreciates you through your flaws, and while it is not substantial enough to be noticeable on a day-to-day basis, you have made many others glad to have met you. Think not of how terrible your existence is for yourself, but of how much positivity that same existence has brought to those you’ve met, and even some you haven’t.

I wish you the best,
Princess Luna

I sit down in a chair and re-read the letter, and a small wave of relief washes over me. It’s been quite a while since I felt like I had this much support. Everyone wants to help, but the advice always amounted to ‘Be this way, not that way.’ Luna... Luna gets it. Oh thank Eleos somebody understands! I exhale and shudder slightly but I don’t cry, though my eyes feel a little wet.

I give them a quick rub and head upstairs to my room and place the scroll down in a safe place. Jeez, that helps so damned much I feel like I should frame it. No, it doesn’t need that, and I have other stuff to do today I guess.

First though, breakfast. I still have a decent amount of that sausage left, but I’m getting tired of them. Maybe make something else to go with them, or use them in a recipe. I get down to the kitchen and start looking for options. Even if Twilight can’t cook to save her life, Spike is rather practiced, so there’s plenty of different ingredients for various things, even if it isn’t exactly as equipped as a home kitchen could be. I’m not seeing more specialized stuff like chives or scallions. Still plenty of things to use though.

Let’s see... we got some onion, a bell pepper that looks rather mild but it’ll do. Only one kind of cheese... I definitely have to get them some havarti or something else stronger than this stuff they have. Eh, what I have here will do for now, though. Hmmm... I should have more greens, but I’ll pass on the spinach. The sausage has been marinating in its sauce the whole time, so that’s good, no need to season it.

Six eggs left. Three will be fine, but restocking will be needed. Knives and a cutting board. Knives are over here... where is the cutting board? Maybe... uh... no... not this drawer either... really? Fuck’s sake, I need to learn this kitchen better. Fine... I’ll just be extra careful with the knives and wash down the countertop.

Hmmm, I think I recall Spike putting some pans down- Ah! Skillet, perfect. After giving the countertop two thorough scrubbings to get it as clean as possible, I get to chopping up my veggies. While the selection is poor for my tastes, the ingredients are fresh enough that it goes quite smoothly. Something about chopping food feels nice. I still can’t tell if it’s the motions or the sound but I just like it. With the onion and pepper diced up, I lightly scrape them aside into a bowl together and get to work on the cheese. They don’t have a grater, if I recall correctly. Oh well, it’s soft enough that a different knife will do fine.

For the sausage, I can’t just use the countertop, so I guess I’ll chop them up on a plate. The bevelled surface makes the usual motions harder, but it works. Mental note: ask Spike to show me where the cutting board is. Alright, now to cook the eggs. I get a little spatula and hmmmm... a tablespoon of butter. The skillet doesn’t need that much greasing, but butter adds to flavor. Now for the easy part.

Doesn’t take long for the eggs to cook once the stove heats up, so it barely takes fifteen minutes and my omelette is done. I slip it onto the plate that I cut the sausage on. No cross-contamination since the meat was already cooked before I cut it, and using another plate would just dirty another dish for no reason.

You know, it’s kind of nice. Used to be that even when I had all the time in the day, I wouldn’t bother with that much preparation if I didn’t have to. Now... I feel like... there’s time to do it. There’s time to make something, and it smells fucking awesome.

By the time I’m done, I’m somehow still a bit hungry, despite having eaten a loaded three-egg omelette. Maybe I can make something else, since I’m already in the mood. Not super hungry, but I could probably make some pancakes. Whatever I don’t eat I can leave for someone else.

Whoo, boy. Been a while since I made these things from scratch, but since they don’t have any instant mix, guess it’s my only option. Let’s see, I can use a couple more eggs...

Well, took longer than I expected, but I like how they turned out. I return to the table and shuffle a couple of the pancakes onto my omelette plate. By now I’ve dirtied about ten different objects, and I think that’s more than enough. I start buttering up my first pancake and it gets me thinking. Back home, I still had that tiny glass bottle of Alaskan birch syrup... Only ever used it on special occasions, shit was so expensive. I’d probably use it now, if I had the chance.

That’s kind of a dumb thought. If I managed to go back home and everything was still okay... I’d grab my bottle of syrup. The foolishness puts a grin on my face and I get through my second pancake before I’m finally full. Any more and I’d be stuffed, don’t want that.

I’m cleaning up when I hear a somewhat-familiar-sounding yelp of surprise from outside. Wh- The front door is practically yanked open and a very grumpy Twilight is standing in the doorway. She looks about the library and quickly her expression worsens. “I am tired, I am exhausted; I come home, longing to sit down and do nothing but read for the next five days, but what do I find when I get back?”

“Uh... I-” She cuts me off before I can come up with a decent response.

“There is a window broken on the second floor! There is a crater in the side yard! Directly under said broken window! And! There are books strewn about the floor and that pile of them looks damaged!” Twilight is practically heaving, with dark circles under her eyes and a twitching scowl on her face.

“Listen, I can explain.” I say, trying to calm her down. “But you’re too stressed to hear the whole story. How ab-”

“Anthony, get out of my house, right now!”

“Twili-”

“Now!”

Okay, placating-time is over. I return her frown. “Hold on for a second! You are clearly tired and upset, and nothing I explain will help. I’ll leave for the day, but you are gonna listen to me!”

“You have-”

I literally put my foot down and gesture behind me, pointing at the stairway. “You are going to go upstairs, get a shower to clean up and calm yourself the fuck down, come back downstairs, have some pancakes so you can feed yourself, and then you are going to go back to your room, and take a damned nap!”

The room is silent for a few moments. Twilight lets out a haggard half sigh, half growl and her head lolls to the side a bit. A short, deep breath later and she nods. “Yes... yes, I should... do those things.”

I return to my indoor voice. “I know how stressful being away from home can be, even for a few days. I can leave the house to you for the day so you can unwind. I will explain everything that happened later, and they do all have explanations, so you shouldn’t worry about it while you’re trying to rest.”

She nods again and walks to the stairway. “You made pancakes?”

“Yeah. They’re in the kitchen. I already had my breakfast and there are plenty left.”

She turns and gives me a tired grin. “Thanks dad.”

“At least I’m not mom.” I say with a sigh, which gets her to chuckle a bit. She continues up the stairs, which I take as my cue to leave.

I make my way into Ponyville proper, letting Twilight have all the space she needs, and she’s gonna need all that she can get. Didn’t think bomb defusing was going to be on the agenda today but... at least it’s handled. What next..?

Maybe... more bomb defusing? I should probably go talk to Myrna. Don’t want to leave things off at what happened yesterday for too much longer. After a bit of asking around town and searching, I find her. Or rather, I find her tail-body hanging off some branches, loosely draped across three or so trees.

I follow the ‘tail-trail’ and it doesn’t take long to find her upper half, resting on a couple more branches above my head. She doesn’t look asleep, just zoned out, but I’d rather be cautious. “Hey. You awake?”

“Hmm? Oh, hey Anthony.” Myrna said, looking down to me from where she’s laying across the branches. She sounds sleepy, though.

“I’m not... interrupting a nap or anything am I? I can come back later if you need me to.”

“Mmm... nah, just dozing kinda. I get my energy in bursts.”

I sit down at the base of the tree. “Well, I was wondering if we could talk a bit.” She’s pretty casual about this and somehow that makes me more nervous.

Myrna looked up and grunted as she moved into a more upright position in the branches. “Good timing for it; what’s up?” she asked, face placid but attentive - is it just me, or do her eyes become more reptilian in low light?

Pushing off the thought off, I continue. “First, I wanted to... apologize. For yesterday.” She stays silent, and after a moment, waves for me to continue. “I... I’ve not really been feeling like myself. And I... Idunno if I might have made you upset, I didn’t intend to insult you or anything.”

Myrna takes a deep breath, and then lets it out slowly. “Well... I guess the first thing is that, yeah, you made me upset. You didn’t insult me really, but you were...” she pauses. “... Shoot, I’m... I’m not good with talking like this - you made me upset, but not because of anything you said, it was more of... idunno, being clingy? But not...” she rubs her face with an irritated noise, “Just a moment, I need to wake up a little more.” she then slaps herself resoundingly across the face, shaking her head and blinking before continuing on. “Okay, take two... Yesterday, yeah you made me kinda upset, but not really angry. Just, y’know, irritated. But... thank you for the apology. I was kinda afraid you wouldn’t give one, and then we’d just avoid each other for a while...”

I lean my head back against the tree trunk. “I walked up while you were working, and acted like I deserved your time more than your employment, and... I got frustrated. I mean, I guess I only almost said something, but... this is gonna sound weird but I feel like I need to apologize for, I dunno, the backtracking? It’s weird.” She chuckles at this, “I obviously know that being so arrogant to think of myself as being that important, and me getting mad at you snapping at me for it is totally uncalled for. But that’s not the weirdest part. Up until lately, I’ve been a jerk. Like, absolute Jackass of the Year and then some. And now... now something makes me angry, like everything does, and I... stop myself. Why wasn’t I trying to be better before? Why am I trying to apologize now when... any other previous week I would have bitten your head off for not bending to my stupidly petty whims?”

Myrna blinked. “... That’s... kinda deep, actually. Uhm... maybe something recent changed? I mean... my dad, at one point, he was having a hard time with his depression. He stopped eating regularly, going outside unless he had to, stuff like that; he went really angry for a long time. He started getting better when he did something different - so maybe something about this week broke your cycle of habits?” she pauses again. “Uh, not to say you’re depressed, sorry! Just, y’know...”

“Absolutely accurate. One-hundred percent on the nose.” I sigh. “I pretty much only don’t have depression by technicality. I... let’s just say ‘down’ is my default but, for other physical reasons, can’t be counted as having depression. Psychosomatic stuff related to... bullshit.”

Myrna nods. “I didn’t really look much into psychology before coming here, so I can’t really help with that... but I do understand to a degree. I don’t know where it went since I got here, but back before I turned into this, I had mild ADD. Whatever it is that changed us before we came here? It changed more than my body, it probably did something to change you too. Idunno if it was meant to be helpful or not, though.”

“Maybe.” I sigh. “I don’t... really know. I mean, if it did, then that would explain why I became Major Asshole, Lord of Dicketry... but then why did it suddenly stop? Unless it’s the reverse. I mean... okay, this is gonna sound weird.” I take a deep breath. “I was such a jerk, but then, I was saying all the stuff I was internalizing back home. Like, I would get super mad at everything, but I would always hold it in and say nothing or attempt at being polite instead... but here? I felt like I could cut loose, I could be the asshole I always wanted to be, that... that I wouldn’t get smacked down by society for even wanting to be angry...”

Myrna purses her lips. “... Maybe it’s because you didn’t have anyone here? So there was no baggage attached to being the real you?”

I nod lightly. “Yeah. There’s no reason I ever needed to hold my tongue. I could be as sharp and mean as I always wanted. I didn’t have to ball up my fists and take it, I could sling mud back and... holy shit was it cathartic. I... I liked it. But now it’s waning. And just a couple days ago, it got... ‘better’, I guess. I stopped being so angry. I was feeling things other than hate or schadenfreude. And I guess it all came to a head when... yesterday. That was when I was about to boil over like always but didn’t. I... I felt like I had to restrict myself. I worried about the consequences of being a jerk instead of the new status quo of ‘fuck it, I don’t give a shit what they think’ and I just sort of... shut down. And things have... I’ve been feeling worse because of it. I feel bad that I can’t get the anger up anymore. And I just can’t tell why I feel... why I feel like it’s a bad thing that I’m not as much of a bad guy.”

Myrna sighed. “Well, maybe you’ve built up some of the baggage again. But. If you ever need to vent - just tell me, and I’ll be here for that, okay? I... I can’t promise I’ll be able to actually help, but please don’t feel like you have to hide your emotions from me, okay?” she said. “Also, give me a hug - I like hugs, and I feel that they help with emotional moments.”

I nod a bit and look up at her. “So... am I climbing up there, are you coming down here... you just gonna swing your tail down and wrap me up and call it a ‘hug’? What’s the gameplan?”

“Oh, just get up here, Anthony.” she says with faux irritation in her voice.

I grab onto a lower branch and it barely takes effort to haul myself up to where she is. The thing that’s a bit awkward is that she takes up all of the branches, so the only area I have to sit requires me sitting on her. She doesn’t seem to mind that much, thankfully.

Also, the hug is nice. It feels... nice.

After a bit, Myrna chuckles a bit. “So, not to rush or anything, but are you done yet?”

“Uh, what?”

“I like hugs as much as the next anaconda, but... we’ve been here for ten minutes now.”

“Oh. Uh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I’m joking, Anthony.” she says ,and squeezes me a little tighter for a moment. “Besides, this is a good time for a mid-day nap - middle of the day and all.” she says with a chuckle.

I grin. “I don’t have anywhere to be at all today, so... sounds good to me.”

Jump to top

Learning Experiences

Snuggling with Myrna is really comfortable and relaxing, but now that it’s been another ten or fifteen minutes my body wants me to get up and move.

I say as such, though I have to ask twice, and she decides to let me go. Almost literally, as she had wrapped me up in a few coils of her tail-body by that point. I’m totally fine with that part, I just needed to get mobile again which did require her permission, for lack of a better phrase.

“If you wanna do that again though, I’m fine with it.” She says, kinda lazily, drowsiness evident in her voice. “You’re warm.”

“I’ll remember the offer is on the table, then.” I smile as I hop down from the tree. I stumble a tad as my feet hadn’t entirely woken up yet, but at least I didn’t faceplant. I give a mighty stretch and shake my limbs a bit before we trade one more goodbye and I get on my way.

The outer edges of town are pretty quiet, away from the usual bustle. For a small town, it’s pretty active and almost loud at times. Speaking of, there seems to be a bit of noise coming from further into town at the moment. Fairly typical, and yet... something feels off. Like something in the atmosphere, like when I can ‘feel’ that it’s raining somewhere nearby. I don’t hear screams but... I guess if you live somewhere long enough you can sense when things are amiss.

Not that strange or even dangerous situations aren’t all that amiss here in Ponyville; weirdness magnet that the townsfolk attest it is. Maybe it’s nothing. But... couldn’t hurt to check it out, probably.

Yeah, there’s definitely something going on. Some of these ponies look agitated and confused, some even scared... but there isn’t any screaming. A random stallion approaches me quickly, looking a little panicked. “Anthony! We could use a hero right now.”

I hold my tongue at correcting his improper use of the title for the sake of getting to the point faster. “What’s going on, exactly?”

“There’s a... a bug-pony in town! W- w- we don’t know what to do!” The guy is looking more shaken than he was just a minute ago.

“A changeling?” He confirms with a nod, but doesn’t seem to be sure if it is the case or not. “And what’s it doing here?”

“We don’t have any idea, it’s just stalking around... menacingly.”

I frown a bit. “Is it actually doing anything menacing or are you all scared of it?” He pauses for several moments, a ‘gears turning slowly’ look on his face as he just stammers a bit. I interrupt his thinking to get to the bottom of this faster. “Just take me to it, I’ll see what’s up.”

“Uh, r- right, okay!” He leads me to a nearby part of town and I see a bunch of ponies trying to go about their day while giving a wide berth to a changeling walking down a major street. This, of course, makes the populace anything but productive. The changeling has the green highlights indicative of the Everfree hive which, if I recall, is still under the treaty preventing them from legally using disguises in public; so if it wanted to be in Ponyville for some reason or another, obviously it would startle the prey species that live here at the sight of their insectoid physiology.

The changeling itself just seems to be mostly ignoring the ponies and just wandering, looking around. Its gaze lands on me, which isn’t hard with me standing half-again as tall as the ponies, and it seems to snap to attention. I make my way towards it and it moves to close the distance, causing ponies in its path to scurry even faster. Few of them even register that I’m here and it’s almost irritating how twitchy they are.

The stallion that was by my side makes a hasty retreat once the changeling is within several meters of me, and I figure that this is just a huge misunderstanding, fueled by xenophobia, given that the changeling is not at all aggressive and doesn’t even seem interested in the ponies.

“Hey there.” I talk first since it’s been pretty quiet thus far, barely making a sound.

“Greetings, Anthony.” it replies with that odd, almost inaudible trilling noise that underlines changeling speech when talking. “I was sent to retrieve you.”

Alright, so it’s here for me, explaining why he gave little concern to the populace. “You need me for something? Ren ask for me?”

The changeling drone nods. “Indeed. Queen Renaissance has requested your presence, and sent me to relay that request. I tried asking your whereabouts from the townsfolk but they... weren’t much help.” A few ponies slow down a bit when they see me talking to the changeling, but hastily move on once their requisite rubbernecking instinct is appeased.

“I can see. Well let’s head back to the hive, then.” I recall the way to the forest and then the hive from this part of Ponyville, so I end up leading. “Did Ren say what she needed me for?”

The changeling shakes its head. “No. I was only instructed that you were requested immediately, but not urgently, and that I was to ensure you are informed this is not an emergency situation.” the changeling says, toneless aside from the buzzing in its voice which does seem to shift up and down as it speaks.

“Alright. Well, guess we’ll see when we get there.” I think about the possibilities as we get to the big, shaded trees of the forest. “Anything new going on, any notable changes being made?”

“... Do you wish for an itemized list, or would you prefer it organized by time of events?”

I raise an eyebrow as we move through the undergrowth. “That much changing, huh? Well, at least Ren’s making things happen, which is good.” I pause for a moment. “It is good, right? She isn’t having troubles or just changing things for the sake of change, yeah? There’s actual progress in some direction or another?”

The changeling doesn’t speak up for several minutes of us walking. “... There are things the Queen is doing that I agree with; most of the changes are in this category.” the changeling doesn’t elaborate further, which sounds like someone who’s used to dissent being answered with a guillotine.

“Not taking to the other changes so well, I assume.” I say as we navigate our way around the trees growing denser as we got further in, as well as it getting darker due to little light shining through the thick leaves of the gnarled trees. “I mean, that’s fair. Nobody’s gonna like every change that’s made. She’s at least getting along alright though, yeah?”

“I would not question my Queen’s orders.” the changeling says, tight-lipped. “Though yes, she is growing stronger with time.”

I roll my eyes a bit. “Okay, I’m gonna be straight with you. You guys seem alright, but you’re giving off some really strong Vulcan vibes here. Do you actually act like subservient, emotionless robots by nature, or are you just that scared to mention that you have negative thoughts on things? I mean, I’m not trying to be harsh here but... feeling scared to voice an honest opinion doesn’t seem like it’s very fair or comfortable.”

The changeling frowns and sighs a little. “... Old habits die hard, and the Old Queen lived much longer than most other Queens could have.”

I nod, understanding. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. You don’t just transition from a tyranny to a... renaissance, overnight. Also yes, that was kinda the reasoning for the name I chose if it wasn’t obvious.” I think about that. “Was it... was it okay that I gave her a name? I mean, was it ‘my place’ to?”

“No others had the right, and it meant the Queen would have a chance to try changing us for the better, instead of the alternative.”

“Alright, cool. I just don’t really understand what’s culture to you guys and what was only ‘not okay’ because of Chrysalis. You’re a bit hard to get a bead on sometimes, which... aside from being insectoid rather than mammalian, is likely why the ponies have trouble with you. Heck, if any of Ponyville knew you had a hive this close to their town they’d probably flip their lids.”

The changeling doesn’t comment back on that, and we arrive at a well-hidden cave behind a stand of trees - one of which is nothing more than an illusion, blending in perfectly with the other trees to either side of it.

“Redecorated.” I mention, before elaborating. “Entrance wasn’t this hidden last I was here. Figured you wouldn’t need it that much considering you’re this deep into a place nobody even close by thinks is a good idea to go tromping through. Any reason for the camo?”

“Manticores.” is the tonally-vapid reply I get.

“Okay, I know those exist, but I don’t really know what they are for sure. Lion-bear-scorpion-bat things, yeah? Or am I just mixing my mythology with your nature again?”

“Lion, scorpion, and bat. The males have venomous stings, while the females can launch their stings as projectiles, but don’t have venom.”

“Fair enough.” I reply as we begin the descent down into the cave, which took it’s natural conversion to the weird material that changelings apparently made structures out of. The same bioluminescent lights from before lit the way. So this part was pretty much the same.

“... Also, they like roosting in narrow-mouthed caves, for security.” the changeling says as we slip into the cave, which is only about twice as wide as my shoulders at the entrance. Inside the hive itself, though, the walls have grown smoother and less menacing - they seem less like a Meat Level in a video game gone rancid, and more like they were made from black rubber cables fused together.

At least they look cleaner now, thank Tzeentch. I figure I’d just let this changeling lead me to wherever Ren was at the moment, as I still wasn’t fully familiar with the interior of this place, especially with the retexturing on the walls

The floors are still pretty steeply sloped though, and occasionally I find a foot slipping on the smoother sections of floor. It’s like walking on plastic or ceramic tiles in flip-flops - sometimes, I have perfect grip. Sometimes my feet want to say hello to the ceiling.

Though to be fair, I’ve been wearing the same pair of shoes for about six years at this point... I’ve probably worn down the treads quite a bit, especially now that paved roads are too pricey or unmanageable for Ponyville. I should probably figure out a way to get new shoes before these totally crap out on me.

No problem, though, because we make it down to a large crossroads in the tunnels; it’s also much more flat and level at this point onwards, with the three paths of the crossroads branching further in various directions. “This way to meet with the Queen.” the changeling tells me, pointing ahead and off down one fork, looking no different than the others - it must be incredibly easy to get lost down here.

Unless, you know, you built the tunnels yourself. Speaking of... it’s rather handy that all of these tunnels are tall enough that I don’t have to duck at all, and I’m only a couple centimeters taller than Chrysalis was... and I doubt she’d have needed to use all of these tunnels on a regular enough basis. Oddly convenient for me, I must say.

I get to the room at the end of the tunnel and I hear a small conversation. “Queen, where would you like me to set this lampshade?”

“Oh, just hang it anywhere.” I hear Ren reply a bit tiredly, and a little bit of shuffling follows. I figure I can just enter.

“Hey there.” I say aloud, wondering if that’s even an ‘acceptable’ way to announce my presence. Eh, she doesn’t seem like the uptight kind. “You called? Or, rather, sent a messenger?”

Ren, turning at the sound of my voice, visibly brightens and smiles. “Anthony! Yes, it is g-good to see you again.” she seems a little bit frazzled, and her mane, while limp, is at least not looking like it’s a few scratches from falling out. Beside her throne (which looks hideously uncomfortable, and there’s visible marks in the floor from where what appears to be a larger throne was removed) is two guard changelings, standing stoically as medieval-style guards seem to always be portrayed.

Then again ‘Extreme competitive poker face’ seems to be the changeling default expression, so they don’t look all that much more ‘deadpan’ than anyone else beyond Ren. Also, Ren has the benefit of having pupils so... that helps with expressiveness. Either way...

“So, how’ve you been doing? I hear you’ve made some changes around.” I ask, looking for a specific decoration to point out in particular as ‘new’ but I come up empty so I just give a noncommittal gesture towards nothing in particular.

“Oh, ah, y-yes, I’ve been trying many things... I won’t simply exile changelings at random, but I still need to f-feed them, and... well, that’s not important right now. We have also m-managed to get all of the ponies who had been captured returned to the princess!” Rensays, grinning widely and with an obviously eager, puppyish expression of hopeful joy on her face.

I nod in approval. “Of course, make sure any abduction incidents are resolved.” I do make one correction to a mistake she made. “Though it’s princesses. They have two, with both Luna and Celestia... it’s... the diarchy thing is weird but they make it work. Anyways, anything else you’ve been doing?”

“O-oh! Right. I have been expanding the hive’s chambers for housing all the m-members... there’s not enough space, but since we had to recall all infiltrators and soldiers...” She pauses to think for a few moments. “Actually, m-maybe it would be best if you got a full tour? One of my g-guards can take you!”

I shrug. “Alright. That works. It does help things to know you guys better. Being more open, while not exactly something to lead with, will be important for getting the ponies to be... Well, to make sure they don’t freak out when they see a ‘bug-pony’ wandering around their streets. They’re a skittish bunch. Need ‘saving’ from anything that doesn’t smell right or walk right or... you get the idea.”

Ren nods. “Is that why you carry that sword everywhere?” she asks, pointing to my hip.

I pause. Sword? When..? I have that sword Gladius left behind. Waitaminute... Berry said she had it and then suddenly it was next to me... I leave it in the library, and now its on my hip complete with a sheath for it. Great, the Lyre I can leave behind in a safe place but this one decides it wants to follow me around. “Uh... sure, let’s go with that.” I say. “Monsters and anything monstrous that needs dealing with, I’m the guy they call.”

Ren nods again. “That makes sense. Anyways; Guard, escort Anthony wherever he desires. Though, keep him away from the new constructions - they’re not stabilized yet.” she aims the last bit at me with an apologetic tone.

“Eh, not everything works after you got left with a fixer-upper and all that.” I say as the guard moves to me and leads me out of the throne room. “So, last I was here, you guys had... what amounted to a giant open room, and pretty much everything was connected to that like a hub. You turn that into a bunch of separate rooms, or you still have it?”

The guard shook his head. “No, the old antechamber collapsed shortly after you slew the Old Queen. Much of the rubble has been cleared out, but the room was deemed... unsalvageable. It’s considered off limits to all for safety reasons.” the guard says, walking along with a steady, ground-eating stride that moves deceptively fast for how slow it looks like he’s walking.

“Fair enough. Last I heard, Chryssi had pretty much the entire hive ‘structurally sound’ due to her own magic. I don’t get that, seems like it would be a huge drain to keep sustained. Then again, she seemed like the kind who bit off more than she could chew rather often.”

“She had great aspirations and incredible reach.” the guard stated. “Her grip, though... it was almost enough.”

I nod. “She was also a total nutter.” I add.

“Also true, though not necessarily a flaw on its own. Again, great aspirations, poor grip... even on reality at times.”

I nod. “But, you managed to salvage a decent amount of the place anyways from what I can tell, so it’s at least something you’re coming back from.” I note, for the sake of positivity. “What all do you have rebuilt and put together at this point?”

“The nurseries, communal rooms, information hall, and throne room are all finished; the Queen has us also working on an agrarium, though I don’t know how well that will work. We simply don’t have the knowledge to make it function as she wishes it to.” the guard says, rattling one thing off after another.

“Agrarium?” I ask. I... I know by the root words it has something to do with plants, but I don’t think agrarium is an actual term. I’m sure I’ve never heard it before.

“A holding chamber to simulate an agrarian environment. The same way a terrarium is for a land-based environment, and an aquarium is for an aquatic-based one.” the guard explains. Makes sense to me, at least.

“What were you thinking of growing in it? I mean... I recall from my last time here that you guys don’t... you don’t eat food.”

“No; we plan on raising basic foodstuffs there, and then raising a combination of rabbits and other smaller animals to provide sustenance based on their emotional output.” the guard pauses for a moment, face twisting a bit as we walk. “I don’t know if that’s even possible, though.”

I shrug. “No idea, but if it does you’d want the animal to be as happy as possible... but you’d need a varied garden setup for that. Rabbits particularly like alfalfa and asparagus, which grow in pretty different conditions.” I think about how they could get something like that working down here. “I mean, I guess Ponyville is a farming town so you could likely buy alfalfa from them... if you were allowed within ten meters of a shop that is.” The guard gives me an odd look. “I raised rabbits for a while. It’s... they’re nervous and picky, especially while infantile.”

“I’ll take your word for it - I’ve never worked with them.” the guard says, before stopping at another intersection. I feel like we’ve moved upwards somewhat, and the passage has been curving this whole time, but I’m not sure how much. “The nurseries are on the right, and some of the storerooms are on the left, though three of them are decommissioned now.”

“Speaking of... what would you guys need to stockpile? Other than, well, spare love. I mean, that just sounds weird to me as a concept but hey, if you can put in bottles... somehow, I figure you’d work on keeping extra for later. What else would you need? I guess seeds and tools for your uh, agrarium. If you need basic farming tips, I can help with that too by the way.”

“Mostly we store what little food we do eat, spare tools, construction supplies, medical supplies, and various forms of emergency supplies. We also used to keep captured individuals and any goods on them in those storerooms. Hence why three are no longer needed.”

“Hey man, you don’t need to associate with Chrysalis anymore. It was her idea to do shit like lock people in her closets. You had nothing to do with it, you can drop the ‘we used to’ thing. It just adds to subconscious negativity which... pretty sure Ren already has tons of as it is.”

“It still happened.” the changeling says, with no emotional inflection. That’s odd, since I swear I saw some minor facial reactions earlier... strange.

“Well sure it happened, but you didn’t have a say in it. ‘We’ implies you were complicit which, being brainwashed to hell and back, I’d find it difficult to twist up a story where you were all totally on-board with what she was pulling.” I point out. “You all are in the clear, so there’s no need to keep acting like you have to shoulder her blame.”

The changeling doesn’t reply, instead simply showing me to the first storeroom which, as advertised, is basically just stocked with a large amount of varied shelves, boxes, and crates - and all the shelves are molded from the same bundled-cords architecture or clearly taken directly from a warehouse somewhere.

“So you said you kept tools in here from before... shit hit the fan. What kind of tools do you need? Seems like you just sorta... build rooms yourselves.”

“Mostly things needed to maintain a disguise. None of it is necessary anymore, but it’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Besides, hammers have a lot of uses.” the changeling says.

“As do axes.” I agree. “And like you said, most aren’t needed anymore so I guess you don’t have that much stuff. So what else have you been working on? Not just around here but in general. I mean, you gotta have some form of plan to make living within the treaty’s restrictions actually feasible.”

“Several, I would assume - I’m a guard, not a planner. Still, the ones I do know of are the agrarium project, and an attempted integration; unfortunately, we’d need some ponies to willingly foster changelings, and that’s not going to happen without us being allowed to use our guises.”

“Tell me about it. I just wish they weren’t so darned skittish. I know why they are, prey instincts and all that. I mean, there is one shortcut I suppose. If you get a good chunk of them on your side the rest will follow along. Herd mentality. The problem is having them give you guys enough of a chance.”

The guard nods. “Indeed, we already knew that was a viable strategy. It’s how the Old Queen infiltrated Canterlot, after all.”

“The question is, how do we appeal you to them.” I say, thinking as we continue on. “I mean, I guess it was kinda easy for me. I don’t look that intimidating by their standards and I saved them from a monster, so I just got slapped with ‘hero’ status and I’m a-ok all of a sudden when, not ten days before, everyone in town had to pick their jaws off the floor after looking at me. Maybe... if you guys swooped in and got rid of a monster...”

“We’ve dispatched several; they’re part of the protein supplements for the nymphs and guards.”

“No, no. Publicly, like with a bunch of ponies watching. They need to see you doing a really good thing. They need to see you helping them. Like, if another monster ends up hitting the town or, Idunno, some unnatural wildfire starts up, you guys fly out of the forest and fix things and you’d have a pretty good ‘in’ after that. We’d just need a situation like that so you get your shot.” I think about it a bit more. “Probably do better to run that by Ren first, huh?”

“Hmm... I’ll bring it up to her if you don’t.” the guard says with a nod, proving he has some capacity for emoting and initiative. “Do you have any other advice while we head towards the first nursery, hatchery, and education chambers?”

“Not really. I’m just trying to think how to make what worked for me also work for you. Obviously we wouldn’t want to create a disaster just so you could fix it. Unfortunately it’s hard to plan for things like that since Ponyville is such a weirdness magnet. Could happen in a month, or ten weeks, or heck, an hour from now. You’d likely have to be stationed closer to the forest edge though. You’re pretty far away from town as it is so I doubt word gets to you very fast unless you’re, you know, already waiting for something to report.”

“Engineering a monster attack would be-”

“A pretty bad idea.” I interrupt quickly before a rogue idea gets a chance to spread. “I mean, unless you have total control over the situation from beginning to end, in which case... it wouldn’t take someone much smarter than Rainbow Dash to figure out that it was staged.” I point out. “If you do engineer some form of monster attack, it would have to be staged just right, and not be terribly obvious. And nobody should get hurt. Collateral damage is fine by me but purposefully doing something that ends up with folks getting hurt isn’t a good idea if your end goal is to win them over. Not to mention that you’ll need to make sure you uphold the treaty while doing any of it.”

The changeling nodded, clearly still thinking. “The queen will have an idea, I’m sure.” the guard says.

“Sure, but everyone can benefit from a think-tank. I’d be all for helping but just us might not be enough. I’d drag Celly here by the ear if she weren’t oh-so busy. Or Twilight, if the mention of changelings didn’t give her minor conniptions.”

“We aren’t allowed to kidnap ponies anymore, so no think-tank.” the changeling guard says.

“...I just mean a group of people who get together to puzzle out a problem. You know, like a brain trust. Not a literal think tank... or whatever you mean by a think tank requiring kidnappings. I just meant we need smart people who can come up with plans to work as a team on how to make you guys more socially acceptable without breaking Celestia’s laws.”

“Oh. You’ll need to explain that one to the Queen, then.” the changeling pauses, then gestures towards a door; the door is more wood than I’ve seen in one place the entire time I’ve been down here this trip.

“Yeah... and find smart people who’ll be emotionally capable of assisting and aren’t too wrapped up in ‘more important things’ and such.” I look at the door, which is already odd since there’s been a distinct lack of doors here aside from the storerooms. Everything just seemed connected by open archways. “I take it this setup is so no wandering rugrats get out unsupervised?”

“When freshly hatched, they are very prepared to defend themselves if need be.” the guard says, while visibly checking the armor over his lower legs. “And remember that if they spit on you, simply discard the garments quickly and calmly, and avoid panicking - most of the grubs will home in on panic.”

I pause at the warning, keeping in mind that so far he has not even tried making any jokes. So he’s serious. “So... making sure none of the younguns get out unsupervised is important... as I stated. Well... I guess worst comes to worst I’ll need to get another new pair of pants. Alright, let’s go.” I am rather curious to know what they actually look like considering their physical structure is mammalian but everything else about their biology is insectoid.

The changeling raps three times on the door, then unlatches it, immediately lighting his horn and using a wave of crackling emerald-green magic that flares like it’s on fire as several hissing, angry-sounding creatures are shoved away from the door. These infantile changelings are, simply put, maggots. Foot long grubs with segmented, worm-like bodies, two little hoof-like forelegs, and tiny heads that are identical to that of a grown changeling on a smaller scale. Once they see that the guard is there, most of them begin to make surprising speed away and hide in the various nooks and crannies of the chamber, a few climbing up into the almost cartoonishly large hollows in the legs of another changeling standing in the room, looking up at us. A few of them stay nearby, one looking towards the guard and the other towards me.

“I’ll admit... while they certainly look larval, I didn’t exactly imagine this.” I say as I look at the weird little things. “So do they just mature into looking like you guys at a certain age, or do they... pupate?”

The caretaker spoke up instead of the guard, looking towards me. “Oh, they pupate at about three weeks of age and then grow rapidly, unless they are neophyte queens.” the caretaker’s voice is notably more feminine than the guard’s, whom I’ve only been guessing at the gender of so far. “The common pupas will then be sorted based on what composition of tasks will be needed in the coming months.” the caretaker also seems more friendly than the guard, at least by her tone.

“So like ants. They get assigned jobs based on what sort of task you need. That’s why you can’t take ‘infiltrators’ and just give them a new job, since they’ve been essentially outlawed?”

“Uhm... sort of yes. But also no? When pupating, we feed them differently. Different emotional loads result in different changelings - some soldiers, some infiltrators, some workers, and so on.” the changeling says.

I nod, sort of understanding. “So the job they have as an adult is given to them while they’re cocooning. Do they still eat love or whatever when they’re... grubs? I’m honestly not sure what to call them at any given stage, I’m just using what I know of from bees and ants and stuff.”

“Oh, yes, they are grubs in this stage.” she explains, some of the little things waddling/wriggling through and around her legs, “When they are given different emotional loads, it affects their development towards a particular subtype. I... don’t know the specifics of why each one does that. I’m just a worker.”

“Alright... sorry I’m just trying to... figure this stuff out. I’m thinking that the ponies would be less likely to run away from you screaming if someone could explain it to them.” I sigh a bit. “Not sure how much of this I’m gonna retain fully enough to recite, but... I just think they need education. Pretty obvious they won’t educate themselves by talking to one of you at least.”

“Maybe not; perhaps a teacher from the hive can be sent to educate them? If they are held in cocoons, they will remember the teachings better!” the worker suggests, smiling brightly.

I bite my lip. “Even if that’s true... I don’t think they’d appreciate it. Just a funny feeling I have. Twi still gets flashbacks whenever I bring up Chrysalis around her so...” I consider another option. “But a changeling dedicated to education who knows a lot about changelings could be useful. Just... convince a bunch of ponies to stick around while it explains the truth behind the propaganda. That might work.”

The worker nods. “That does sound reasonable.”

“I may talk to Ren about that. We’re just trying to figure all this out so it’s less of a shitshow. I mean, you guys don’t seem that bad just... really really weird. But hey, if you’re gonna be stuck under Celly’s metaphorical thumb anyways we should think of a way to make that a livable position.”

The two changelings nod agreeably. I feel something tug on my pant leg, and look down to see that the grub that had been looking at me earlier is currently holding onto my pant leg with its teeth and slowly was trying to shake its head and tear the pant leg asunder, like a small doberman with a mailman’s leg.

Actually, with its adorable little growls, that’s a pretty apt description. Okay, adorable might be too strong a word but it’s at least... endearing. Still, I don’t want to need new pants if I can avoid it. I give my leg a short jerk but the thing is already latched on. “So... any way to get this thing off?”

The caretaker looks and nods. “Yes; if you grab the grub in an aura and carefully apply pressure on points 1-C and 3-B, the grub will let go.” she informs me, none of which explains anything that I need to know, and doesn’t include her, y’know, actually doing what she’s talking about.

“I don’t have magic, nor a readily-available understanding of infantile changeling anatomy... but I do have a friend who’d likely tie me to a chair if I ruin another set of clothes... some help would be appreciated, is what I’m getting at.”

“Oh! Yes, at once.” the worker says, before moving closer to me, several grubs still in her leg-holes. Her horn lights and I notice it’s a slightly lighter green than the guard’s, even as she grabs the grub by the head, flaring right at the spots where the little changeling’s jaws would meet the head, on a more humanoid structure... so basically, the same method used to pry a bulldog off of something.

After a few moments the thing lets go and is carried back to the caretaker. I check my pants and... well, they’re ripped. But not unpatchable at least, just some slight tearing. “Alright, well I think I’ve had enough...” I try to think of a proper word to use. “Engagement for the time being. Maybe move on with the tour now, yeah?”

“At once.” the guard-ling said, and turned to begin leaving, heading for the next door in line, on one side of the hatchery or nursery chamber, whichever this is. He leads me in through another banded wood door, coming out the other side into... well, it looks like a bunkhouse for small, pony-sized children, and is populated as such... but with changelings. Changeling foals... uh... nymphs, I’m pretty sure. Several of them are play-fighting, some are visibly stalking each other, and two are in a literal hissing match, slowly stalking a circle around a point between them and hissing non-stop. A small group goes by, followed by a smaller nymph, who stumbles and starts to fall. Without even a cry for help, the smaller nymph is picked up by a green glow cast from the four horns of the leading nymphs of normal size, setting the little one back on its hooves and up with the others, before they all start running off again.

“Wow... the kids pretty much just take care of themselves, huh.” I note in surprise. “I mean, you probably still have to give them food and stuff but... you get a room full of human kids like this and it’d be a madhouse in under an hour.”

The guard doesn’t comment, but the room is fairly noisy, so if he wasn’t raising his voice I wouldn’t hear him. Oddly, there’s almost no conversations going on - most of the nymphs were entirely without any vocalizations, the only sounds come from hooves scuffing on the floor and walls and ceiling (they can literally drive each other up the walls!), as well as humming wings and crackling magic, all being accompanied by many hissing and spitting like cats.

They’re like magical spider-cat-kid-things. Which is terrifying. But hey, at least they aren’t screaming at the tops of their lungs or throwing stuff all over the place so technically better behaved in general than your average kindergartner.

“What makes them so... non-verbal? I mean, I met a nymph a while back and it didn’t say much but... more than this at least.”

“Oh, most of them are speaking with their pheromones and emotion sensing. With both in use, they can more or less speak without speaking. Doesn’t work with non-changelings though, you don’t produce many pheromones that we are able to receive, and what we can read is often a jumbled mess.”

“Good to know, I suppose...” I’m not entirely sure how to respond to that. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? Just an observation? Idunno with these guys just yet. I guess it makes sense if they have a form of language all their own and ‘speaking’ is only for non-changelings, it does seem a bit odd. That said... “So you can’t like, you know, read my emotions or anything, just each others’?”

“No, I can taste your emotions very well. You don’t do much to hide them.” the guard corrects me.

“So the pheromone thing is different. I mean yeah, bugs are more tuned to that than mammals. I just find it... weird. This is what I’m talking about, you guys being all insectoid makes integration pretty difficult. You’re just so... different. Even at a really young age apparently. Not a bad thing just... a large gap to bridge.”

“I don’t really know what you mean.” the guard says.

“I mean getting ponies to trust you is an uphill battle. I mean, if a pair of you guys can hold an entire conversation, and none of them can even tell what’s going on, it just sort of looks like you’re starting at each other in silence and... well that kinda weirds folks out.” I hope I’m getting the point across. “They can’t figure out what a hiss or buzzing your wings or anything means.”

“Oh, hissing is just them being angry. Wings buzz when you flap them really fast.” the guard says, nodding as if he was delivering sage advice.

“Exactly my point, nobody knows any of that. That’s why I think one of the most important steps towards integration is for the ponies to know how you do things and why you do the things you do. It’s all weird alien-stuff to them, essentially.”

“Understood. I will relay that to the Queen when the tour is done. Unless you do it first.” he agrees.

“Yeah... I can think of a bunch of things that you need to do to make this all work. The problem is how to make it happen and what to do first.” I sigh. “So I assume just one more spot after this?”

“Yes, the education chamber.” At the guard’s statement, several of the nymphs nearby stop dead in their tracks and give a look only small children can give upon hearing someone is willingly going to school.

“...I take it your idea of education doesn’t involve a whiteboard or geography.”

“I do not know what either of those things are.”

Jump to top

Chapter 51

Arriving at the classroom, I’m actually a bit surprised to find that they do seem to have a somewhat standard classroom setup, though it looks more like the college classrooms I’ve seen in movies; a large, semi-circular design with auditorium seating all looking down towards a single teacher’s podium or desk near the back.

In this case, the auditorium was about half full of young changelings, and only some of them were actually paying attention to the changeling nominally instructing them, who was droning on and on about something. It’s honestly hard to tell what it’s talking about, because trying to listen in for even a moment starts making me drowsy.

The teacher is so boring it’s literally putting me to sleep, and I had a long and very comfortable nap not a few hours ago. Figure it would be rude to interrupt either way though, so I ask my tour guide. “So... this is it? You just have one changeling at the front talking to all the kids until they absorb enough to... what? Pass a test proving they absorbed enough to pass?”

“Test? Only if the queen requires it.” the guard said. “I don’t know much about this system, it’s only for the more intelligent nymphs.”

“So... what does ‘education’ mean in this case then? What are they supposed to be learning, exactly?”

“I do not know.” the guard said simply. One of the nymphs, clearly dying of boredom and laying on its back in its seat, turns to look towards me and the guard. For a moment, nothing seems to register, until something clicks in the nymph’s head.

With a gasp, the nymph smiles and rolls onto its hooves, “You’re Anthony! The Queen’s chosen Praetorian!” the small changeling’s voice is moderately masculine, so I’m going to go with ‘he’ for now.

“That...” I pause trying to think of a response, but only one comes to mind. “Is not a word I was expecting to hear today.” Especially since, if I recall, that implies I’m a second in command of sorts... which is not really the case in the changeling hierarchy as I know it.

“No no no, you’re like the, uhm...” he paused for a moment, clearly trying to think of the answer, “Like a guard, but just for her, not the whole hive! A, a, a special guard!” he said, smiling. “And you killed the old queen, who was evil, and you’re gonna save all of us!”

“...You mean her bodyguard?” I try to clarify for both of us, really.

“Yeah, and a Chumpion!”

I physically wince at that, praying for the case of a mispronunciation. I dislike titles anyways but... ow. “So... am I more important than your, uh, teacher?”

“Well, duh, you’re only second to the Queen! And, uh, to the master of the Infiltrators, but she doesn’t do much anymore, but she’s still technically higher than you unless there’s monsters or invaders or something like that!” the enthusiasm of the little changeling is very heartening, though I find it a bit odd that none of this talking, which is all at normal volume (or above) is drawing attention from the others.

“I didn’t mean in the sense of pecking order, I meant more important to be paying attention to. Shouldn’t you be learning? Right now?”

“Oh, I uhm, Idunno what he’s been saying for the last hour, I kinda fell asleep but while awake.” he said. A couple of the other students are visibly nodding off, and another one starts looking my way as I watch. I also notice that I’m carrying a proper conversation with this kid, the responses aren’t robotic like most other changelings. I may have to ask what causes the difference later.

I roll my eyes. “Uh huh, and does that make it any less important to pay attention? Heck, what’s even the point of this anyways? What are you supposed to be learning here?”

“Uhm... mostly just stuff about sneaking around pony places, but we can’t do that anymore, so it’s all dumb. And anyways, you’re gonna fix everything, and we won’t need any of this!” he says, his unsure expression morphing back to nearly worshipful levels of glee and hope.

“I think that’s more Ren’s job. I’m gonna try and help but she gets final say on what sort of plan we use to integrate you guys. Though honestly most of them require the ponies being more receptive than making you all more presentable.” Hold on. “Wait, if infiltration has been... whatever word you’d have in place of ‘outlawed’ for the hive, why are you taking infiltration classes in the first place? Is there some other point to this?”

“Idunno.” the nymph says with a shrug. Guess he is just a kid, likely not involved with any local politicking.

“Well, if it’s important... or not... either way, I’m just getting the nickel tour of the place. Guess that’s all I need to see here.” The instructing changeling has yet to stop lecturing, despite what I can only call a complete disruption of the whole class. Maybe he’s on autopilot as much as the kids.

Speaking of, a few of the other changeling nymphs have started to notice me, and are starting to hop out of their seats to approach me, half with looks of almost reverential awe, and the rest with the same looks I imagine I’d give if I met a true superhero like Spider-Man or something. It’s a bit disconcerting in a way... and still, the teacher keeps droning on. “So...” I turn to the guard next to me, feeling like I’d rather be away from here. “Guess we’re done here?”

“As you wish.” the guard responds, heralding a chorus of ‘aaaaww’s from the changeling students.

Ah well, if I need more of that for whatever reason I can just go see the pony children too. They really aren’t that different until they grow up, being molded by a different culture. Helloooooo race allegories. Well, guess that’s why we’re trying to fix it.

Now that we aren’t meandering around, it doesn’t take long to get back to Ren. Sure, the primary hub is still in need of repairs if it’s even salvageable, but the tunnels are really networked into each other. A map would be handy. The maze of corridors makes it feel like Metroid.

...did we get another Metroid game before I left? Eh, probably not.

Approaching the throne room once more, I’m met by the sight of Ren looking over a very long list, held in her emerald green magic. The whole thing is folded over several times so it can be carried by a single band of magic, though I have to wonder if that’s for efficiency or if she didn’t think to just grab the whole thing.

I figure I wouldn’t interrupt her... even as she seems to be having difficulty. Now that I think of it, the likelihood of Chrysalis being the kind of abusive vampiric parent that decided to let her children learn to read is pretty darn low... Ah well, Ren can take what time she needs.

After a few minutes, she notices me and the guard, and gasps. “O-oh! Anthony, you’re back!” she says, smiling happily. “H-how did the tour go?”

“It went alright. Kind of a small place you have, honestly. I can see why you might get overpopulated quickly. Especially with so many rooms having collapsed to the point of being uninhabitable.” I shrug. “So, what are you working on now?”

“O-oh, going over a p-population census...” she says, “As well as trying to make sure the hive is prepared for the near future. I’ve had to request q-quite a bit from the Equestrians, but their Q-Q-Queens- er, their Princesses have been very kind.”

I nod. “So I guess once the near future is taken care of, we’ll have to consider longer term plans. I’ve been thinking that it would be beneficial to have someone from the hive who could effectively explain a lot of things about changeling culture, obviously aided by a pony ambassador of sorts. The root of racism is fear, and fear is stopped only by understanding. So we get the ponies to understand, and the fear will go away.”

Ren just blinks at me a few times before simply nodding hesitantly. “Ah, yes, of course!” she says, smiling again. I’m not entirely certain she fully understands but... small steps.

I fold my arms in thought as I continue the dialogue. “The problem I’m having is deciding who that pony ambassador could be. It’d have to be someone the larger masses trust to tell the truth, but doesn’t have any predisposition towards or against changelings... meaning Twilight is right out. She hates admitting it but she’s still suffering from the trauma, even if it isn’t obvious. Celestia maybe but... Idunno, I think they listen to her too much and things could be taken in an undesirable direction, not to mention if she develops a great support for changelings with seemingly no prompting it could be misconstrued. I don’t know enough about you all to be a proper advocate. Regardless, I think the first place to start is Ponyville, because... well, they’re the closest. We don’t want you going right for the capital city, ignoring Ponyville and then trying to get on their good side after they find out how many of you are literally only four-ish miles away from their houses.”

Ren nods. “Alright; I’ll start planning for that.”

“Sorry, I’m sure this is a lot to dump on you.” I apologize. “I’m just... I make plans. It’s what I do. I like laying things out so we know what may or may not need to be changed as we move forward and... this is a very delicate situation. I’m just trying to cover variables and... accounting for ponies is very difficult. Prey species are just so... ugh.”

She nods again, smiling to me and gently, timidly setting a hoof on my knee. “Thank you, Anthony. You’ve helped the ent-t-tire hive so much, and your c-continued help is deeply appreciated.” she says.

“Yeah, I’m just... I’m trying to do right by you. I was rather prejudiced about you guys myself and... It was unwarranted. I was just really... angry. I’ve been dealing with that a lot lately. So I suppose I’m trying to make up for that.” I recall she wasn’t in the room at the time of my suggestion of genocide being a viable solution to changelings existing, and realize how fortunate it is she never heard that. “I make mistakes and have lapses in judgement so... I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen. I know what being a pariah can be like and that’s not something that should happen to an entire race due to one bad example. Chrysalis may have been Hitler, but not all of you were Nazis.” I blink. “You... have no idea what that means. Let’s focus on how we’re going to handle what’s in front of us. What sort of short-term plans are you considering right now?”

“O-oh! I, uhm, I’m working on rew-working our education, and trying to set up agrariums to raise some animals to try feeding us instead of having to foalnap ponies. I’m also t-trying to find places that might be able to have changelings working openly, so we can try getting some money. All that we had was stolen, so I gave it back to the ponies.” she says, smiling to me.

I nod. “And I’ve done some light animal raising myself so I could possibly help in that first area. The residents of Ponyville would likely be more informative as it is a farming town, but relations would need to be resolved before then. In the meantime I could offer some advice, though my greatest knowledge of specific animals mostly consists of rabbits, chickens, ducks, frogs, toads and tortoises. I know plenty about animals in general but those are the ones I cared for personally.”

“Oh! Well, uhm, rabbits were my f-first choice for animals to raise. S-since they grow in n-numbers so fast, even if we over-feed by mistake at first, they c-can recover more easily.” Ren said, which seems pretty sound to me.

“Yeah, bunnies gestate over about a month-ish and then you’re looking at seven more to be fully grown. Though, that depends on the breed of rabbit. Larger rabbits can take over a year to become ‘food sized’ for actually eating them. Though I’m not sure if that’s going to be a big factor for your needs.” I pause and think about what else I know. “And as for how you’re going to get the rabbits, I recall Fluttershy having a few bunnies aside from her pet but I don’t know if those are for sale. Certainly be easier than trapping several yourself, quick little bastards, and the claws on their feet hurt a lot when they start flailing and kicking once you grab them.”

“Th-they have claws?!” Ren said, her voice a startled squeak. “B-but they’re plant-eaters...”

“Yeah, claws for digging. How else would they carve out their burrows?” I question, though it’s understandable that someone who only thinks of rabbits as hoppy fuzzballs to not have any sort of defensive capabilities. “Also, don’t frighten a momma rabbit too much when she has her bunnies nearby. Try to grab rabbits when they’re alone, if you’re going the trapping route.”

“Oh, uhm, alright. They get really defensive, right? I was told that’s how animals get if you go near their young ones.”

“Yes... but in extreme cases if the danger is notable, a mother rabbit will eat her youngest bunnies. The extra nutrients serves as a way to enable the mother to escape much quicker, and the calories allow her to run for longer without tiring.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Ren nods, completely accepting this fact as if it weren’t an odd behavior, when just earlier she hadn’t considered they would have methods of hurting others. I’m having a hard time really nailing down what does and doesn’t make sense to them.

“Yeah, but it’s not a super common thing, especially since they stay in their burrows more often than not. This would only happen in extreme circumstances. Also worth mentioning that rabbits do have an herbivorous diet, but that’s not to say they can’t eat meat. I fed little bits of ground pork to one when I was done eating and had a little left. Figured it’d be interesting to see what would happen, curious kid I was. Funny enough, rabbit ate the pork, and never had a problem all the time we had it.” ...the reminiscing makes me a bit homesick, I should stick to facts.

“Oh, so they aren’t j-just plant eaters... that’s interesting.” Ren says, looking thoughtful.

“They’re good for sustaining gardens as well. They really like alfalfa, and alfalfa makes a great, ah, fertilizer in general. Properly fed rabbits produce very effective manure. Basically, you take their leavings and grow vegetables with it, and then feed the resulting veggies to the rabbits. It’s actually fairly cheap to keep rabbits as long as you have a good hutch to keep them in and have a proper garden already going.” Considering the nature of the local equines, I decide to leave out that the only animal’s manure that functions better than rabbits is from horses. That could lead to an uncomfortable discussion.

“That does sound very easy...” she pauses, brow furrowing. “A hutch is... a rabbit house?” she asks.

“Yeah, I could probably draw up a rough diagram of one. They aren’t hard to make really, only took my sister, mom and myself to get a pair of them ready for breeding rabbits in... about a few weeks with intermittent working on it. Wood, bedding, wire fencing.... Pretty standard animal holding, the important part is to make sure it’s got legs to keep it off the ground, has a solid floor, and the walls are too high for them to jump out. Have them open via removable roof panels and that’s about it.”

She furrows her brow again. “... I thought r-rabbits liked being in the g-ground. Why do they need to be off the g-ground?” she asks, sounding confused.

“Well... mainly for rain and such. If they’re stuck in a cage when it rains or snows then it would obviously be very bad for them, but you want the hutch outside because that’s their habitat. I suppose if you can simulate the outside with your agrarium then precipitation wouldn’t be a problem. Other than weather, hutches typically have legs so that the roofs are about chest height to a human so they can be grabbed from inside easily, no bending over. Again, since you guys aren’t that tall though, it being on the ground would probably be easier. Alright, maybe omit the legs. The rest is still important though. The roof should open so you can reach in to grab one without it dashing through a hole in the wall, and the wire is so they aren’t just locked in a solid box. Just don’t have the bottom be wire because, well walking on suspended wire fencing is pretty uncomfortable for anyone.”

Ren nods, looking rather somber out of nowhere. “I know that; even with hooves, it is very p-painful. Bars are t-too.”

“But yeah, as for bedding, cover the floor in a mat of hay and alfalfa. It’s comfortable and can even work as a snack for them. Though this means you may need to replace it fairly often. As for food and water... a dish and a drip-bottle are perfectly effective.” I try to think of what else to note about rabbit care, but unless she prompts with another question, recollection is difficult. Memories are... fuzzy when I’m not searching for specific ones. It’s pretty disconcerting.

Nearly an hour of talking about caring for rabbits later, and I’m finally leaving the hive. That slope back up is hell on my ankles, but at least it’s not as confusing on the way out - everywhere leads either down into the hive, or up out of the hive.

The trip back to Ponyville isn’t difficult either - one of the scouts leads me to the edge of the supposedly spooky forest before turning back, leaving me to head in on my own. As soon as I exit the forest, I can see that it’s nearly sunset with the sky painted a mix of rose red, saffron, and buttercup yellow, fading slowly through violet and into the navy blue of the oncoming night.

It’s hard to tell time in the forest considering how thick the canopy is. Odd how the trees are so gnarled and twisting, yet also their leaves are so dense. I can see why townsfolk call it unnatural. Though I wouldn’t go that far, I’d likely stop at ‘bizarre’. It’s clearly natural, but that’s what makes it odd, that it’s growing this way without any outside influence.

Not a long walk back to town. I see other ponies walking home, their day finished as well. Ponyville is pretty quiet at night, but not that ‘oh gosh something terrible has happened’ silence. It’s peaceful in a way, though the quiet isn’t really my cup of tea. I pick up the pace a bit and get back to the library. I could use some rest.

Either way, the library is pretty close. The sunset through the leaves of Golden Oaks is an interesting sight. Kinda wonder what it looks like in Autumn, it certainly doesn’t look like a standard evergreen tree. What kind of tree is it anyways? Whatever it is, it’s big and can grow a very thick trunk, even up to the branches since one can make a two-story building out of it.

I open the door and see Spike dusting the place, the floor clear of books at this point. “Hey, been wondering where you were.” he says in greeting.

I shrug. “Twilight wanted me out of the house so...”

“Yeah.” He nods. “I figured as much, she’s still asleep. I’m-” He lets out a big yawn. “Heading to bed too.”

“Where did you all go, anyways? Twilight had a test, didn’t she? Why’d you take so long to get back?”

Spike blinks slowly. “Oh, right, yeah. Test. Crystal Empire. Evil ghost king. Crystal ponies.... Other stuff. Saved everypony.”

I pause at his slow, tired drawl. “You should get to bed, you’re hallucinating.” I suggest.

“I’m not.” He says through another yawn. “I beat the evil king guy, and... saved the whole place.”

“And I’m sure you did it with nothing but your bare hands and that dustpan. C’mon dude.” I pick him up to carry him upstairs.

“Mmph, is true. Ask Twilight.” His eyes are barely open by now as I get a hold on him that’s not too dissimilar from one I’d use for a cat. He’s about the same size, just bipedal.

“Sure, when she wakes up. Probably around the time you do.” I put him down in his little basket/bed, Twilight just a lump of covers at the moment.

I get to my room and sit down. Spike yawning made me a lot more tired... maybe read a bit before I pass out. I grab one of the books on my nightstand after wading through my room full of junk. I open to where I’d placed my bookmark and- what was that? Sound from my window, like... oh, yeah. I get up off the bed and go to my window. The simple latch is easily undone and Owlowiscious flies in silently. “Hey buddy. Probably... not gonna stay up much later, fair warning.”

I get a soft hoot and a birdlike murmur in response. He’s pretty easy to understand, for an owl. I don’t know whether to be more impressed with him or myself.

“Yeah, Twilight’s been out for the whole day, and I’m still a bit off with my powers gone. I’m probably gonna get through a chapter here and then nod off myself.” I just get a winged shrug in response, and Owlowiscious perches on my window. Guess he was looking for something more like our all-night hangouts. I mean, him being nocturnal is pretty handy when you’re awake at literally all hours but everyone in the entire town is in bed and will throw things at you if you ask for a conversation at two in the morning... but I just can’t stay awake that long now that I need sleep.

Twilight should be giving him more attention since Owlowiscious is her pet, but even she can’t stay up as late as I can, and so often at that. At least, that’s the way it usually is. I crick my neck and settle in with my book, preparing to wind down.

Author's Note

This chapter will be the last one that involves Quantum Shift as a co-writer. He will continue to be my occasional editor and quality assurance assistant, but he will no longer be writing for characters, even those that were his idea to include in the story. He will also be fully active on the various spin offs as usual, just not this, the primary story

Jump to top

Chapter 52

Chirpchirpchirp-Chiiirp Chirpchirpchirp-Chiiirp
Chirpchirpchirp-Chiiirp Chirpchirpchirp-Chiiirp

Ugh, friggenfuckin’ birds...

Chirpchirpchirp-Chiiirp

Yeah, I’m up already. Damnit, why can’t I wake up myself, huh? Gotta force my day to start at five in the bloody morning.

Tired... can’t go back to sleep with that racket.

Chirpchirpchirp-Chiiirp Chirpchirpchirp-Chiiirp

Okay, geez, getting up already. Oof. Man, fuck nature. Usual routine. Yawn, stretch, put on regular clothes, lament lack of superpowers, etcetera etcetera...

I should probably get my clothes washed. Hair’s already long enough for getting another cut, I suppose. I should get my shoes replaced somehow, treads are mostly worn smooth and there’s holes in them from stomping on that spiked demon. The fabric is very clearly worn out to the point that some of the interior is visible.

Why does life have to require an upkeep cost?

Not much I can do about it now, though. Might as well get the day started so it can be over with sooner. Heading downstairs I see Twilight is already up and at the table. “Breakfast ready yet?”

Twilight cocks an eyebrow at me. “That sounds a little demanding, don’t you think?”

“Hey, I made breakfast yesterday.” I defend as I tiredly make my way to the squat, pony-sized table.

“Yeah.” Spike replies from the kitchen doorway. “You used up nearly all the eggs, and didn’t bother to wash any of the stuff you cooked with.”

I kneel down at the table with a half yawn half groan. “I was a little busy being kicked out of the library for the day. Figured if I didn’t, Twilight was gonna hurl me through a wall.”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about all that.” Twilight apologizes. “Thanks for understanding and helping me relax yesterday. It was a... stressful last few days.”

“It’s no big deal.” I wave it off. “But what kind of test requires you leaving for several days in the first place?”

Twi takes a deep breath and sighs. “Not the kind I was expecting or prepared for. I assumed it would be scholastic.”

“Like you do for everything...” I point out which earns me a dismissive noise of vague irritation.

“Either way, it turns out Princess Celestia wanted me to go out on an adventure of sorts.”

“Quest.” I correct her. “An adventure is a trip without a specific goal, a quest is one with an ultimate purpose.”

Twilight pouts. “And a journey is when the trip itself is more important than the goal, I know. I was just... feh.”

“Does little Sparkle not like being corrected?” I grin and pat her on the head lightly in a condescending manner. “Isn’t she cute when she’s being a hypocrite?”

Twilight frowns and bats my hand away. “As I was saying. Princess Celestia wanted me to go to where a long-forgotten metropolis in the Northern mountain wastes had been released from temporal displacement and started to, well, exist again. Then once at the Crystal Empire, I was to exorcise the previously-dead King Sombra, who had returned as a shade. We needed to prevent him from returning to his full power and enslaving the Crystal ponies again.”

What kind of crazy story is that? “Let me guess, he was ultimately defeated by the power of love?”

“Well I suppose the Crystal Heart, the artifact that was key to banishing his Shade, is empowered by positive emotion so... partially yes.”

“Uh huh. And did any of this happen to involve the consumption of any special mushrooms at some point?”

“What do edible mushrooms have to do with anything?” Twilight asks, looking rather confused. “No, there weren’t any mushrooms. Anyways, it wasn’t easy. It started off okay, but it became difficult to keep the Crystal ponies happy while Sombra’s shade and radiating influence of negativity was growing stronger the closer he got. Things became... rather stressful. I’ll admit I had a bit of a personal catastrophe.” She sighs pretty hard. “It all came down to destroying Sombra with the Crystal Heart, but things weren’t going so well and... I guess you could say I was having a difficult time keeping my composure.”

Spike walks out from the kitchen, a bit of a spring in his step. “So while everypony else was trying to deal with Sombra’s weird dark-crystal-growing stuff, I grabbed the Crystal Heart and that’s how we ended up winning!”

Twilight smiles, perking up a bit and giving Spike a hug which he eagerly returns. “Yes, that’s one way to look at it. Thank you, Spike.”

I lean back a bit, stretching my legs out from my kneeling. “I’ll be honest. If it weren’t for the obvious fact supported by various townsfolk that you’re a walking weirdness magnet, I’d say there’d be zero chance that wasn’t made up.”

“I assume you mean to believe me?” I just nod in response and she continues. “Good, now that I’ve told my part of the last few days, you can explain what happened to the library while we were away.”

I wince and sigh, already more tired than before. “Not so much what happened as who happened. I had to harbor an uninvited guest for the night and it didn’t go so well.”

“This pony knocked the majority of the books off their shelves, ruined several of them beyond recovery, broke the bathroom window, made a large crater in the side yard, and left you with a mounted head of a large timberwolf? Who, exactly, could do all of that?”

I grumble a bit. “First thing to note, she didn’t knock the books off the shelves, that was you while you were ‘preparing’ for your test and left that mess for me to try cleaning up.”

Twilight pauses and blushes, looking down as she clops her forehooves together in an embarrassed manner, Spike taking this chance to get back to the kitchen. “Ah... yes, right I... I did that, didn’t I?”

“Was like a hurricane ripped through the place.” I say before continuing. “Anyways, how it happened was this: Some random mare showed up at the door calling herself Gladius and saying she’s like my aunt or some shit. I didn’t really know who she was at the time, only that she was a very rambunctious pegasus who came armed with a sword and had notable interest in me for whatever reason, saying she wanted to meet me.” I sit back up before continuing. “She had this great idea that we should go out hunting, and since this mare was running around with a blade and was acting nuts, I figured I’d follow along to make sure she didn’t hurt herself.”

Twilight nods in approval. “That would be the responsible thing to do if she was delusional and had acquired a weapon.”

“Yeah, that was my reasoning too. Anyways she pretty much drags me out to the Everfree forest and I keep suggesting we just go back, since I don’t have my powers to help save her if things turn ugly. She doesn’t listen, go figure, and we end up finding some timberwolves. I’m stuck just trying to avoid them whilst she goes full madhouse on them, swinging that sword around and actually doing a lot of damage, tearing chunks off of their wooden bodies. During the brawl I get a hold of her sword and fight off the timberwolf that was after me. Meanwhile she’s wrestling the big one to death all by herself, completely unarmed and about a third its size.”

Twilight is looking a bit doubtful of my story now. I continue my explanation.

“After she wins, she says we should go celebrate with drinks and I direct her to the Frothy Mug, hoping she’d normalize a bit once we get back to town. Nope, I barely remember anything after ordering my first drink. Apparently I was convinced to continue to the point where I don’t remember anything.” I sigh at the lack of memory. “By the time I come to, it’s the next morning and I’m laying with a pile of torn and dirty books and the head of the Alpha Timberwolf, fully mounted as a trophy, laying beside me. Berry Punch came by to check on me while I was still recovering from my first ever hangover. She tells me that I left the bar with two more mares, who I meet here at the library shortly after Berry leaves. Thankfully they’re entirely sober and from what I gather nothing, ah, intimate happened with either of them to my tremendous relief, and they just leave after saying goodbye. So I’m obviously pissed off at Gladius, who doesn’t seem hungover at all, and she starts making rather sexual suggestions before I finally ask why the heck she’s even here. She claims she was sent down to check on me since the ‘others’ saw me ‘dim’, and that’s when I piece it together that she’s one of the Constellations.”

Twilight seems both interested and unconvinced at the same time, but doesn’t interrupt.

“Shortly after that, Galeam shows up at the door as well, quiet iceberg of a stallion who is also a Constellation. Total sourpuss but I figure he can get his insane horny sister out of the library and back to where she came from. Turns out that I’m right in that assumption, but it involves him having to beat her up to do so, all ending with Gladius being tossed out the window and Galeam making the crater when he lands on her before poofing them back into space or whatever. Gladius left her sword behind and it’s started following me. Berry said I left it at the Frothy Mug and was returning it, but before she could give it to me it was already inside and resting by the doorway, which isn’t even the only time it’s teleportd itself to be near me. I figure it’s another of the constellations’ magical artifacts like the Lyre.” I take a deep breath to recover from my tirade. Sometimes I miss not needing to breathe. “And that’s how my time off went.”

Twilight doesn’t seem to believe me. “So that’s your excuse? Some crazy tall tale about meeting another constellation, rather two of them, one of which happens to act like some crazed madmare? Anthony, if you made a mess you can just tell me.”

I frown. “Oh, I see, and your story which involves ghosts of ancient tyrants and an entire mega-city just randomly appearing out of nowhere for no reason and some race of ponies that weren’t even previously confirmed to have existed... makes so much more sense?”

Twilight’s turn to frown. “To start with, there are at least unproven historical records that a Crystal Empire existed at some point, though nopony alive knew what happened to it. But the Constellations... they’re practically a myth as far as anypony could ever say. The only reason I believed them to be real is because Princess Luna says they are real and she’s a trustworthy source. They’ve never come down to Terra ever, until you say you met Lyra. Then Libra and now two more in the span of several months? The only reason I believe that you met one of them is because you have that Lyre. Now you expect me to believe that another one gave you the Sword as well? You must admit it sounds very outlandish.”

Thankfully I’m not without a counter argument. “Oh? Then please explain how I could have, entirely unassisted, slain and mounted the head of an alpha timberwolf and created a crater like that by total accident, all without any of my powers available to me.”

Twilight fidgets in place a bit as she visibly attempts formulating a counter argument. “Uh... well, I suppose it’s a bit far-fetched but not... impossible?” She has no idea why I could be wrong, but still isn’t saying I’m right. I hate people like that.

I give an aggravated sigh and get up to head to my room, I check the spot I hid the Sword as well as the Lyre in and both are laying right there as I left them. I go to grab the weapon and once my hand is relatively close, it shifts to have it’s handle magnetize to my hand, showing its odd attraction to me. I come back downstairs with the Sword in my hand, presenting it to Twilight when I get back to the table. “Is this ‘outlandish’ or ‘unbelievable’?”

Twilight looks interested and her horn lights. A glow of similar color envelops the Sword and she lifts it up slightly before gasping in shock, the Sword falling from her magical grasp. The weapon clatters to the floor and lays there for a few seconds before lightly floating up into my open hand, visibly stating its preferences.

“That- The arcane energies that sword is giving off, it-”

“It’s real.” I reply dumbly, the obvious having been finally stated. “And I couldn’t exactly have this if the original owner didn’t bring it to me, right?”

Twilight stammers for a bit, settling on “R-r-right...” and then going into a mumbled rant that I can’t really hear, but sounds like word salad from where I’m standing.

“So.” I figure I’d change the subject to something more important to me. “How’s breakfast coming?”

“Gonna take a little while.” Spike replies from the kitchen. “I wasn’t expecting to have to wash my good knife or any pans first.”

“Speaking of, where’s the cutting board? I couldn’t find it, had to use the countertop for chopping stuff.”

“You- You used the countertop!?” Spike shouts, as if this is a cardinal sin.

“I didn’t have a cutting board so I washed the counter like three times before using it instead.” I explain, though he still doesn’t seem enthused.

“It’s in the third drawer left of the oven!” He says, coming out of the kitchen.

I roll my eyes. “And I’m just supposed to know that? I couldn’t have asked either since you were apparently off in another country.”

“Well now you do know, and if you need to find anything else, try asking before I leave for something or other alright?”

Time to change subjects. “Fine. So what are you making?”

“Well, I was starting with a quiche, but I didn’t expect to be down to two eggs. Wasn’t sure what to go with instead, but I remembered I had the stuff to make some crepes.” I wince at his pronunciation.

“It’s not... nevermind.” I sigh. “It’s fine.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.” He replies, confusion evident in his voice. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Your pronunciation was wrong.” Twilight fills in for me. “Crêpe doesn’t have a long ‘A’ sound in it, it’s an ‘eh’ sound. The plural form doesn’t have an ‘S’ at the end, either.”

I raise an eyebrow in Twilight’s direction. “You know French?”

Twilight nods her head in a ‘so-so’ manner. “Prench was the language I took for college. I... honestly didn’t take to it as well as I thought I would but... I retained some of it.” She says, and Spike just shrugs.

“Whatever. You want them or not?”

“Aside from the fact it’s not a breakfast food in actual French cuisine... sure.” I say, returning the shrug. “Oh, and don’t load it with powdered sugar or whatever.” I remind him. “Too many French foods just get adapted to oversugared variants so frequently.” I’ll ask for peanut butter if he doesn’t think to serve them with it.

Twilight nods. “Cultural differences are odd and get changed in translation, for lack of a better phrase. For one, we treat most of their lunch or dinner foods as breakfast items because they’re baked goods, which we only ever have for breakfast or as desserts.”

“Yep.” I nod my agreement. “C’est la vie.”

She looks at me for about ten seconds before wincing. “I should know what that translates to...”

“You’ve been out of classes for a while and haven’t practiced it at all from what I can tell. You shouldn’t be expected to remember things like that. At least that’s my opinion.” I offer my defense, which she accepts. “Nobody judges you as harshly as yourself, you need to give yourself a break more often. That’s why you’re so high-strung if you ask me. Your greatest detractor is literally inside your head.”

Twilight frowns. “Not literally inside my head, but...”

“No, literally could apply here since your inner paranoia is the only thing that fits the description of your greatest detractor, and it only exists inside your metaphorical mind, colloquially referred to as ‘your head’. So there.” I stick out my tongue in victory, which she returns, smiling shortly after.

“So you’re saying I get in my own way more often than not? Reminds me of someone else I know.” Her tone is playful, and it’s nice having a civil, even friendly back-and-forth with her.

I simply nod, grinning. “I know. Rainbow Dash is so bad about that, she should keep her ego in check.”

Twilight crosses her eyes a bit in confusion then rolls them. “I meant you!”

“Me!?” I feign shock, my hand clutching at my chest in melodramatization. “But I am clearly an utterly flawless person with absolutely no flaws whatsoever, clearly!”

“Also a compulsive liar.” She verbally jabs, a small grin on her face.

“You bet I am!”

Spike calls from the kitchen. “You both realize that this is why almost everypony in town thinks you two are secretly dating, right?”

“They don’t say that!” Twilight says immediately, but pauses. “...do they?”

I shrug. “I mean, there’s that rumor in Canterlot that I have a sexual relationship with either of the princesses. Which, you know, totally gross.”

“Okay, that we agree on.” Twilight says, making a disgusted face. “I don’t think they even have a ‘type’ they’d be interested in.”

I think for a moment. “Immortal would likely be on their list of requirements. So they wouldn’t have to fall in love, marry them, watch them grow old and eventually bury them. Just a thought.”

“Yeah... but nopony like that has come around in a long while. You’re the most recent in the last two hundred years, and you’re not actually immortal at that.” Twilight notes.

“I’m pretty sure that’s why they think I’d be with them in any sense. Seriously though, I’m not touching that.”

Twilight sighs. “While I agree that you wouldn’t be right for them at all, it is fully documented that having a romantic relationship can reduce stress... and general stress just so happens to be what I think makes you so irritable all the time.”

I grin. “I’ll get an S.O. when you do, Captain Neuroses.”

“I don’t need a special somepony.” She refutes with a wave of her hoof. “I’m perfectly fine as I am.”

“Then I’m the same.” I stick out my tongue again.

“Some days, I feel like I’m the only sane one in this household.” Spike says with a sigh as he brings out breakfast.

“You got that right, buddy.” I deliver a thumbs-up, to which he chuckles. “So, what’s on the agenda today?”

“Well, I was planning on doing some reading. I was getting through a book the night before I got Princess Celestia’s summons.” Twilight explains as we take our portions.

“I like to read, and I know this is a library and all, but there’s not really much else to do around here.” I complain. “Some variety would be nice.”

“Like what?” Spike asks. “I mean, yeah we live here, but this is a public library, not just our house. That’s why there’s mostly books. They’re what other ponies come here for.”

I prop my head up with my elbow as I eat, noting I’m the only one eating my crêpe rolled up, rather than like a flapjack. “Idunno, maybe some cards or board games or what-have-you. Doesn’t help that a public library for ponies doesn’t have anything gripping. You have thrillers, but they aren’t as thrilling as I’d like if you get what I mean. Even your dark subjects don’t get that dark.”

“It all comes down to taste.” Twilight points out. “It’s not about what you want, but what the majority wants, and so far I haven’t gotten a single complaint about our available selection, meaning that we have what Ponyville wants. Granted, I’d like to get more books to stock, but there’s only so much shelf space.”

“Yeah.” I say as I spear another bite of food with my fork. “Maybe carving a building out of a tree and therefore limiting your options for expansion wasn’t such a good idea, as visually interesting as it is.”

“Structural decisions made dozens of years before I inherited this building aside...” Twilight replies flatly. “I guess I can add some things to my day’s schedule, if you have any ideas.”

“Nah, not really.” I continue eating. Spike is really good at this, I can see why Twilight seems to develop pudge any time she doesn’t exercise. “I do have some things I need taken care of, though.”

Twilight looks up from her food. “Oh? Like what?”

“To start, getting my shoes repaired is high on my list. Or replaced. Replaced is more likely the simpler option... if you ponies can make shoes like mine, of course.”

“What are they made of, exactly? I haven’t really looked at them.” Twilight asks before taking another bite.

I look at the battered footwear I’ve got on. “Well, typically the soles are made of rubber, molded to have indentations so I get traction. But these are worn down quite a bit so they’re pretty flat.”

“Alright, that’s... at least possible to get done.” Twilight replies. “Not sure where to get textured rubber off the top of my head though.”

“Yeah. Also, the part my feet go in are fabric textiles like nylon or polyester.” I pause. “That’s about all I know without any sort of research. I guess you could borrow one to look over if that would help.”

Twilight shrugs. “Maybe. I don’t know much about that sort of thing without reading up on it. I don’t know who to ask about the rubber, but if the cloth part is a particular form of fabric, I’d ask Rarity first.”

“Yeah, alright. I could probably get more clothes from her while I’m at it. I need more than one shirt, and my pants could use tailoring.”

“Wait.” Spike says, looking up from his plate. “Didn’t Rarity make that suit for you a while ago? Why not wear that?”

I nod. “I still have it, but I’m not gonna wear it just for clothes. It’s pretty fancy, and I’m not big on wearing fancy stuff unless for a special occasion. I’ll wear that suit if I want to look nice, but not gonna just wear it around town. I’d rather have more practical clothes for that.”

“That may take a bit of convincing.” Twilight chuckles. “Rarity doesn’t really make clothes for being practical. She says it’s not what she opened her business to do. Though I figure she’d do it anyways, she just likes making fancy things much more than she likes making plain things.”

“That’s fair.” I say as I finish eating. “Hard to make a living by trying to drive a basic, solid-color tee shirt as a ‘fashion statement’. Might go see her later. Don’t have much else to do today anyways.”

I get up and take my plate back to the kitchen and lay it in the sink. “Might need some money for her to work on them though, I’m flat broke. Don’t even recall how I paid for whatever I drank at Berry’s the other day.”

“Well, non-functional clothing is typically a luxury item for ponies, but you are a different case... I suppose I could consider this a livelihood-related necessity and give you some money for this.” Twilight says from the main room. “Afterwards though, you should really look into finding your own source of income. Supporting you doesn’t really cost much at all, but you should be more financially independent.”

“Fair ‘nough.” I say as I return. “Should wait a little while before heading over, though. She strikes me as the type to use ‘needing beauty rest’ as an excuse to sleep until two-thirty in the afternoon.”

Twilight chuckles. “Nothing like that. Though everypony said they’d take a few days slow after getting back since the Crystal Empire was rather exhausting, so I’m not sure any of them will be doing much more than recuperating until tomorrow. You can go by Rarity’s anyways, though don’t be surprised if she’s closed for the day.”

“Fair ‘nough” I repeat as I stretch a bit. “Wouldn’t hurt to check at least.”

Twi nods. “Alright. Also, if she is willing to take a commission today, I have some Bits you can have to pay her in advance.” She gets up and brings back a small coinpurse that she empties out into my hand. I pocket the money and she returns to her seat. I never thought I’d be so blasé about dropping a fistful of solid gold coins into my pocket and walking off with them.

Jump to top

Chapter 53

I make my way through town to Rarity’s place. It isn’t that early in the morning, and several ponies are already going about their business, some giving waves my way, which I return.

Starting from Golden Oaks and following the roads to Carousel Boutique takes a while. This town really is pretty big when you think about it, but it still has that “Small country town” vibe to it. I mean, nobody would claim it’s village-sized of course but it just feels small until you spend the time walking from one specific establishment to another.

Ah well. I get to the door and give it a knock. Few minutes go by and nothing, so I knock again. I give it another few raps and I see Rarity push a window curtain aside to look out. Our eyes meet and I can tell by looking at her face that she’s considering just ignoring me. She sighs hard enough to be heard through the glass and she walks over and unlatches the door, letting me in.

“Good morning.” I figure I should at least open with something cordial.

“Anthony...” She sounds pretty tired. “I’m not particularly interested in starting my day with any antics.”

I raise my hands in what she’ll hopefully understand is my body language for placation. “No worries. Not planning any antics today, I had a request.”

She gestures to a room attached to her shop floor, and it’s a little living area. She leads me through that and to a combination kitchen/dining area, and I can smell coffee. I fight the urge to react worse than just wrinkling my nose.

Rarity goes over to the pot, giving a gesture towards the table that I take to mean she’s offering for me to sit and I just kneel down at the table, forgoing the chair that in no way could fit me. She comes back with a short mug that was clearly a custom job. A slightly lopsided ceramic thing, made from a pink clay and purple painted lettering with, in surprisingly neat letters compared to the rest of the creation, ‘worlds best sister’ written across it.

All in lowercase, the lack of an apostrophe in ‘world’s’ and the fact that it says ‘sister’ on it clues me in to the creator. “Art project from Sweetie Belle?”

Rarity looks unsure for a moment and blinks, then the confusion on her face visibly resolves. “Ah, yes. She is such a dear, her youthful lack of artistic coordination is never outshone by her kindness.”

About this time, I see Rarity’s sourpuss puffball of a cat pad into the kitchen and go for a pet bowl. Ignoring Opal, I return my attention to Rarity. “Anyways, as I said, I had a request. Well, two actually. Firstly, I’ve had the same set of clothes for a while now and I’m not fond of tromping around in that fancy suit you made me lest it get damaged. I was hoping that you could make me some more clothes, leaning more towards a subtler design.”

“Well...” Rarity sighs. “I don’t have any proper commissions at the moment, but my current projects had to be put on hold due to that unexpected adventure.” I decide to let the adventure/quest discrepancy pass this time, so I just nod. “I’m a bit behind, but there’s no set time constraint on any of them as long as I can get most of them done within the month. I could probably make you some more clothes. Alternatively, I could simply give you a note with your measurements to take to another seamstress here in Ponyville. She doesn’t have quite the same standards of flair that I do, so she tends to make tamer ensembles. If you are wanting more of what you’re wearing now, Misty Dale would likely be more willing to do that.”

I nod in acceptance. That does sound easier. The commission price may be lower as well. “Alright. I just figured I’d ask you since... well, you’re the only person Twilight and I knew that made clothes. I can go see this Misty Dale mare, then.”

Rarity nods. “As I said, I can sort through my records and make a collection of your measurements for you to bring her. Was your second request more of the same, or did you need something else?”

“Uh, yeah, hold on.” I get up from the table and bend over to get a shoe off. “These things weren’t exactly new when I got here, and I think it’s far past time I got them replaced. The rubber soles I’d be asking someone else to handle, but...” I hold up the shoe. “I wanted to know if you thought that remaking the fabric bits, or at least a proxy of them, is at least possible. If so, I can probably find someone else to actually make them. For lack of a more complicated explanation, I just want your expert opinion.”

Rarity gives a small smile. “Expert opinion, you say? My, you hold me in quite the regard. I’m surprised to hear such from you.”

I shrug. “Okay, our relationship is a bit rocky as far as ‘two people knowing each other’ but I at least know you’re talented and make efforts for quality.”

Rarity exhales a short and easy sigh, smile still on her face as she fluffs her mane a bit with a hoof. “Twilight is spot on as usual... you really are more clever than you act. Though I’m afraid flattering me so casually isn’t going to endear me to you very well. After all, casual flattery is one of my specialties.”

I grin and give her a wink. “Can’t huck the huckster, I suppose.”

Rarity pouts, but I can tell she isn’t actually all that put off. “Huckster? You wish to compare me to a con artist?”

I lean a bit forward onto the table, resting my folded arms on its surface and intertwine my fingers. “Well, I suppose if you like I could retract all my previous statements of you being courteous, generous, articulate, intelligent, and proper... but I’m not sure what that would leave you with were you to lose all of those.”

Rarity smirks. “Hmm, and now I would seem pompous were I to mention that I am all those things. You sure seem to have me in the proverbial corner.”

I laugh a bit and shift my arms back, resting my chin on a hooked finger. “Even more astonishing, given that smile on your face, one could infer that you rather like the idea of that position. Quite scandalous.”

“Quite scandalous indeed.” Rarity gives me a small laugh of her own, then sighs. “Ah, this back-and-forth is rather entertaining. Of course I’d get it from you, rather than a nice gentlecolt. That is the way it seems to happen, isn’t it?”

In a bit of coincidental poetry, I just reply with “C’est la vie. That is life. Trust me, Rarity. The stuff you can get from your friends is very rarely something you can get from those you romantically admire.”

Rarity gives a slightly more wistful sigh. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. A real shame either way. Also, thank you for the compliments you’ve apparently attributed to me when I’m not in earshot. I can understand why there is talking around town about how kind you are when you think nopony is listening.”

I chuckle and fold my arms behind my head, leaning back a bit. “All rumors to the effect of me being proper are falsified, I assure you.” I grin. “I’m just an incorrigible, uncultured shithead.”

Rarity snorts a bit, half derisively half humorously. “Should there be more stallions like you about, I fear for mares the world over.”

“I know, I’m just so sexy!” I crow sarcastically, Rarity giving an exasperated roll of her eyes.

“Alright, I think this has gone on long enough.” She says, taking another drink from her mug. “If you leave your shoes with me, I can see if they’re replicable once I’m finished with the rest of my morning.”

“Sure. I can go barefoot for a bit, just have to keep away from the rougher ground. Though I may just stick around a bit. Don’t have much else to do anyways.”

“I suppose that won’t be too much of a problem, I wasn’t planning on being open today anyways. As long as you behave yourself, that is.”

After a bit, Rarity comes back in with some thick, moccasin-looking things. “Well, I’d say it’s certainly possible to make you some new shoes, but it won’t be easy. The best I can do for you is some slippers.”

“I uh, I mean I guess that could hold me over but I’m more of a sneakers guy for a reason, keeps me able and active.”

Rarity nods. “I understand. Honestly the best place to get what you’d need for these, including the rubber soles, would be a custom order from Manehattan. It will not be cheap, especially considering what you’d be asking is beyond the realm of what anypony has ever considered making as far as I can recall... but since clothing, as well as special clothing materials and materials that could be potentially used for clothing are a Manehattan specialty... it would be more affordable to get a custom job from them than elsewhere.”

I sigh and take the slipper-moccasin things. “Alright... guess I’ll have to see about having that handled. Who in Manehattan would I ask about it, and how would I contact them, exactly?”

“Unfortunately, I don’t know. I’ve been wanting to plan a trip there myself actually, but that will be much farther into the future than today. I’m not entirely sure who specifically you’d ask, but whoever it is you’d probably send a letter. That is the fastest form of communication these days.”

I sigh. “Yeah... you guys need to invent telephones. Alright, I’ll just have to figure out this Manehattan thing, then.”

“Oh, and here are your measurements and Misty Dale’s shop address.” I take the small sheaf of papers and thank her, making my way out the door.

“If you can think of something more specific, just let me know.” She just replies with a quick ‘Of course.’ and sends me off, the two of us sharing a standard goodbye as I leave. Manehattan... great. Ah well, guess I’ll get my regular shoes on and find this other seamstress, then. The slipper things don’t look like they’d be very durable.

After a good while of wandering about Ponyville with only this address to go on, I finally spot an establishment that seems to be in the right area of where I should be looking. The place looks... well, it looks cheaper than Rarity’s place of business for sure. Then again, that’s sort of the point. I open the door and duck my head under the doorway. At least the ceiling of the place is higher than my head, if only by a handful of centimeters.

I announce my presence with an inquisitorial “Hello?” A mare’s voice comes from the back in response.

“A customer? I’ll be there in just a minute!” About three minutes later a mare walks out. “Sorry for the wait, I was just finishing-” She stops suddenly upon entering the room... is something wrong?

“Uh, what’s up?” I prod, hoping that me being here isn’t a disturbance.

The mare shakes her head and brightens as she returns from her brief daze. “O- Oh wow! I, ah, sorry. Oh my goodness I can’t believe you’re here!”

I’m not sure if this is a good place to be right now. “You... can’t?”

“I’ve never had a celebrity come here before, and I get the town hero!” The mare looks very excited and a fair bit awed. “I just... this never happens to me!”

I figure it’s best if I state my business. This is getting awkward. “Well, I was wanting some clothes made. I asked Rarity but she was kinda busy so she told me to see you. You’re Misty Dale, right?”

“Miss Rarity knows me!?” She looks like she’s about to pass out. “Oh... oh wow... Sorry, I just... I’ve never felt so...” She shakes her head a bit and apologizes again. “I’m so sorry. I just didn’t expect anything like this to happen today... or ever.” She takes a really deep breath. “Yes, I’m Misty Dale. What can I do for you sir Anthony? Or mister? Have you been knighted? I think I heard somepony say you’d been knighted.”

I shake my head. “If I have, I wasn’t there for it, so I’ll assume not. Mister is fine.”

“Oh that’s fine, you’re still a hero... and you’re in my shop.” She sighs a bit. “Okay, I’m fine now. So, what can I do for you?”

I figure it’s best if I get down to business. “I want to have some clothes made. More of what I’m wearing right now, specifically. Didn’t exactly bring a spare shirt or pair of pants with me when I got... transported here.” Now that I think of it, I was asleep when I first showed up in Ponyville. I never sleep with anything but my boxers on. If I really was asleep at the time of being transported, then did whatever-it-was dress me first? Bizarre conundrum... I return my attention to the mare. “So yeah, some shirts and pants are all I really need. One more of each so I can have something to wear while I wash what I’ve dirtied. Actually, make it at least two of each. I don’t know how much longer the stuff I’ve got right now will last.” I figure if those pan out, I’ll come back another time for socks and such.

Misty smiles. “Of course. I’d imagine your clothes would get worn down, what with your... rugged and active lifestyle.”

That’s some moderately discomforting wording. “Ah, sure. So can you do it?”

“I’ll certainly do my best. I’ll need to get your measureme-”

I cut her off and hold up the papers. “Actually, Rarity gave me a copy of the measurements she got from me when she made me a suit a while back. You can use these, right?”

She takes the sheaf as I hand it to her, and she looks them over. “Oh yes, I can definitely use this. Wow, you’re really prepared, aren’t you?”

“Heh, if you say so.” This is getting a bit awkward. Hopefully she’ll get over this sooner rather than later. Feels uncomfortable being so fawned over.

“A hundred and seventy centimeters?” I hear her say aloud as she looks over the papers. “You sure are tall, huh? I mean... obviously but... you know. Having a number to it, just feels that much bigger!” I decide that, since she’s a pony, it makes sense that she’d think 170 isn’t rather short. No need to correct her, I’ll just let her do her thing. “Can I also have a sample of the clothing you want replicated?”

“Uh, sure.” I move away from the door’s line of sight and remove my shirt. Folding it up and setting it aside, I notice that she’d been looking at me the whole time. I keep forgetting that taking clothes off isn’t risqué to these guys. “Hey, when I take off the pants, could I have a bit more privacy?”

“Huh? Oh, uh... sure, I guess.” Is all Misty says as she keeps gazing at me, and it feels like she hasn’t quite heard me.

I go to unzip my pants and she hasn’t even moved. “Do you mind?” I ask again.

She still doesn’t move. “Not at all... Oh! Oh... uh, sorry. Sorry.” She moves off to the back room, calling out once she’s out of sight. “Let me know when you’re done!”

The whole ‘we don’t wear clothes’ custom is... I mean it’s not intentional, just their biology, but to me... holy shit it’s creepy. I get my pants off and pass the bundle of folded clothing to the mare, and she takes them, quickly walking back into her work area. “Oh, I forgot. You’ll need to pick out some fabric that you’d like.”

Right. I sigh and figure it wouldn’t hurt anything since she isn’t going to see me completely naked and I motion for her to come out to the front where the displayed fabrics are. Misty Dale takes a very good look at me before quickly going back to business. “*Ahem* So, your clothes are understandably big, and while normally articles this large would use up a fair amount of fabric compared to what I normally make, the design is actually a lot simpler. You don’t have as many bends to accomodate for, especially with the shirt. While it’ll cost me more fabric, I won’t have to put in as much work, so I’ll round it out and charge you about the same as a regular request. How’s that sound?”

I shrug. “Makes sense to me.” After a bit of looking around at the fabric options, I make a decision for both the shirts and pants. “Should I pay for them now and come back later to pick them up?”

“Sure!” Misty says, a big grin on her face. She gives me a price and I pass the needed Bits from the purse Twilight gave me. I still have a few coins left, which is nice. “If you don’t need to be anywhere, you can stay here while I work on them. It won’t take that long, I assure you.”

“Sure, I’m not that busy today.” I go and find a place to sit down while I wait. Once she’s made a to-scale outline from my clothes, I put them back on. Being around in just my underwear feels uncomfortable.

“Mister Anthony?” Huh? Oh, must have zoned out. “I’ve finished!” Misty Dale hands me the new clothes and just by touching them, they feel pretty good. “Please, try them on. I’d love to know what you think!”

I change out again and... “These are nice.” I say as I flex and stretch a bit in them. “Comfortable.”

She nods “I made them just a tiny bit bigger than I needed to. I hoped they’d still fit well enough. I figured that they shouldn’t restrict your movement, especially when you’re out saving lives.” She chuckles and I just give a half-assed grin. This is so awkward. She doesn’t really seem to be seeing past the ‘hero’ propaganda... but I don’t want to explain how awful I really am and disappoint her.

“Thanks. How... thoughtful.”

“I’m so glad you think so!” Misty beams at me. “Hey... sorry if I’ve been kinda... weird. I really don’t get celebrities here and...” She looks down at the floor a bit. “I just... you saved my big sister and her family and all that when Ponyville was on fire, you’ve been really special to us ever since. As ‘local’ as you are, it still felt so outlandish that you’d, you know, be around.”

I... I only directly saved one pony. The rest of it was just fighting that demon. Which was months ago! Is it really fair to consider me getting rid of the threat the same thing as saving their lives? I mean... I’m happy for the merit they give me but I just... It feels like a scam almost. Still, I don’t want to just ruin this by telling her that I didn’t save anyone’s sister and if I did, it was purely by proxy. “Well, I am around. If I ever need more clothes, I’ll come by here first.”

She brightens up at that, and gives me a very happy “Thank you!” and a smile that is almost Pinkie-grade. I give a simple wave goodbye and... whooooooo, this hero business is so messed up. Yeah, I saved a couple of folks here and there, but let’s be real here, I just acted. Sure, I acted in a way that nobody else did or could but... that doesn’t make me a hero. Heroes are exceptional. Heroes are good people. Heroes are people who take risks to help every day, not just when something bad happens.

And yet...

I handle the weird magical gem Shining Armor gave to me while in hospital, still in my pocket. I mean, I’m apparently some kind of... on-call problem-solver, but even that feels like a stretch. Sure, I’d be pissed if I found out I was being purposefully kept out of the loop about all this stuff, but at the same time, it feels weird being included at this level. Then again, what else would I be useful to them as? I’m a guy who can do the demon-fighting in broad daylight. No need for covert operations or anything, I can be as flashy as I want and there’s no traces of their presence to conclude that the problem is as big as it really is.

Why call me a hero though? Maybe they’re simpler and just don’t have a better word for what I’ve done. I mean, while it would be cool to be a hero, I really can’t ever meet the real requirements. They’re just misusing the title without realizing, simple as that.

Jump to top

Chapter 55

I figure I won't make anything spectacular for lunch, keep it simple and easy. I notice that my housemates didn't get that havarti after all, but basic cheddar works better for what I'm making anyhow. I grab a bread knife and the loaf available. Hmm... maybe two per person would be alright, so twelve slices it is. Taking some butter, I liberally grease my skillet over the stove, spreading the quickly-melting glob of fat around with my spatula.

I'd really like some music, but without powers, the Lyre doesn't work with me so I'm left to myself. Ah well, let's recall a song. Something exciting. Dramatic. Adventurous. Stylish... oh, I have the perfect one. I focus on recalling the beginning of the song, and hum quietly to myself and... yeah, here we go, now I've got it again! I assemble the foodstuffs and get the first one its turn on the skillet, nodding to the rhythm in my head.

♪Zorro lies dying in the Spanish sun
All the women crying, especially the pretty ones
He drew his sword...
They came with guns

Stealing is stealing, I've done lots of that
Now reach into my pocket, padre
Hide this gold pouch in your hat
And let the skinny peons feed upon the fat
It was liberated from some aristocrat, eh?

(So pray for him father) You need not bother
'Cause I am the fox and I go where I want
If heaven ignores me, the devil adores me
Yes, I am the fox and I go where I want

Padre, don't it seem
Hundred years ago
Before I donned the mask, I'm Don Diego
Now there's only minutes left for the cunning El Zorro
Go fetch my sword, my horse I'll ride out death
Diablo!

(So pray for him father) You need not bother
'Cause I am the fox and I go where I want
If heaven ignores me, the devil adores me
I am the fox and I go where I want♪

I follow in tune with the imagined music, knowing my favorite part is coming and I idly add a little flourish with my spatula when I need to do the flipping.

♪Death you're running closer and I can't keep this pace
Sir, I'm disadvantaged and should I lose this race
Hand to me your deadliest wine
I'll give you back a taste
Before you burn your mark on me, I'll carve mine in your face♪

Acting with the lyrics, I slice the air with my spatula in a large, dramatic Z in time with the accenting sounds that accompany the tune only I can hear.

♪(So pray for him, father) You need not bother
'Cause I am the fox and I go where I want
When Satan annoys me, then heaven employs me
'Cause I am the fox and I go where I want to go
El Zorro!♪

I finish with the sixth portion and slide it onto the large plate. Took a while to make so many of them toasted to the dark-gold standard I hold myself to, but... " Lunch is ready!" I call out, carrying my creations to the table.

"Anthony, shush." Twilight scolds. "This is still a library."

I shrug it off. "Yeah, well these are as perfect as I can make them, so don't let them get cold."

"That's quite the presentation." Spike says as he makes his way over. "What did you make, exactly?"

I grin. "I made... an experience, wrapped in revelation."

The two of them, rather skeptical, approach the table and see my design. "This is a... revelation? An experience?"

"Uh, just so you know, we have had cheese sandwiches before."

I kneel down at the table and take one from off my plate. "There is a massive, near-fatal flaw in your assumptions." Grinning, I take a bite and address the truth they were yet blind to. "You haven't had my cheese sandwiches before."

They just stare at me then at each other for a full minute before they cave in and take their first sandwiches. Twilight gives hers a bit more study whilst Spike simply takes a bite, Twilight taking her own shortly after, and the looks on their faces as they chew tells me all I need to know.

"Woah." Spike utters dumbly, having swallowed just enough to form proper words.

"What is this? Rather, what’s in this?" Twi asks, a look of intrigue painted on her features.

I smile knowingly at both of them and continue eating, which they mimic as if I needed to remind them of what to do. Reaction is a tad extreme, but given the responses I've gotten before, this isn't wholly unexpected.

We finish our first sandwiches at roughly the same time. Twilight holds up her second and studies it. "Well it... isn't magic. At all."

I scoff. "Of course not. One shouldn't take shortcuts when their real capabilities are enough. Why use magic in place of real talent?"

Twi gives me an ugly look. "No need to be so rude, but still..."

"This is the best cheese sandwich in the whole town!" Spike exclaims. "No, in all of Equestria!"

Twilight hums a bit as she chews. "I wouldn't make that sort of comparison, but I'll admit I've never had one taste this good before."

I nod. "It's like I said. You'd never had my cheese sandwiches before."

"So." Spike says as he stuffs part of his second into his mouth. "How'd ya do thith?"

"What exactly did you make these with?" Twilight asks, eating her second much slower.

"I used bread and sliced cheddar cheese, grilled on a skillet." I say. "There's a bit of butter there, but that's just from greasing the pan."

"Ya godda shu meh ha ya mak theeth!" Spike slurs around his sandwich, and I just laugh.

"Heck no. I'm not gonna share my secrets just by being asked. If anyone could know just how I do things I do, nobody would need me anymore." Both of them look a bit awkwardly at me, but I just feel proud of myself. "Seriously though. I can make a cheese sandwich so good that my sister likes them... liked them... and she hated cheese sandwiches. The key to a product of such high quality that it can shift opinions is not something to give away easily. Even though, at the end of the day, it's nothing more than a sandwich."

Twilight sighs. “Well either way, thank you very much. Regardless of your method, these are very tasty. I’m glad you’re dedicating more of your time to contributing to the household, especially voluntarily.”

I shift a bit. “Yeah well...” I take a bite of my second sandwich. “You know... gotta kill time somehow. Sitting around and waiting for things to happen is boring as fuck, especially without super powers.”

“Foul language aside, I agree that it is.” Twilight says, nodding. “You’re showing good progress. Even sitting around is better than what you used to do, of just running off and causing trouble or unprovoked grief. I think you’re maturing.”

“Yeah, well don’t push your luck, Sparkle.” I warn, taking the last of my sandwich with me as I get up to go back to my room.

“I still wish you’d quit that habit of treating compliments as insults. I don’t think it’s very good for your mental health.” Twilight says, her voice dipping a bit into parenting territory.

“You say that as if self-destructive behavior isn’t half of my charm.” I snark back, making my way to the stairs.

“It isn’t.” Spike deadpans, and I figure I don’t need to continue the conversation now that I’m leaving the room.

I look about my more organized room and try to think about stuff I could do. I continue eating my sandwich as I look about the room and try to see if any of my various acquisitions seem particularly interesting. Closet is still pretty bare, I notice. I may as well just have a chest of drawers for all my clothes, wouldn’t even need to be big. I mean, I barely have any clothes at all. I sift through the closet and find that shirt the Crusaders made for me, with their special group’s logo on the front. You know, I haven’t seen them since I was in hospital, and I don’t think coming by the school really counts as seeing them.

I swap my shirt out for the emblazoned one and figure I can find them at their clubhouse. Unless they’re already out doing things or aren’t meeting up today, they’ll probably be there. Looks like everyone here has gone back to their own business now that lunch is finished so I just make my way to the farm. It’s really quite the trek from the library. Maybe that’s why Applejack doesn’t come by all that often. It’s a good bit into the afternoon before I finally get to the clearing of the old orchard that has the clubhouse in it. I don’t hear anything from inside it, but they may actually be doing something quiet today.

I carefully climb up to the tiny door and give it a knock. After a short minute Noi opens the door and she smiles. “Hi Anthony! We were wondering if you were gonna show up today.” she steps aside and allows me room to crawl my way inside. Thank goodness the inside of it has a much higher ceiling than the door would imply.

“You were expecting me, huh?” I ask as I get the chance to stretch back a bit.

“Well, kinda.” Sweetie Belle says, “We generally get together on Saturday, but then we figured that since you’re all outta hero juice, you might not be up for coming around.”

“But he was at school!” Scootaloo says quickly. “He’s just fine!”

I shrug. “I don’t need superpowers to be smart. What did you all think of my lesson, though?”

The four of them look between each other and Apple Bloom speaks first. “I couldn’t understand most of what ya were saying. You talkin’ about our math lesson made more sense.”

“Yeah, that’s fair. I mean, the concept of gravity on a planetary scale has some pretty strange implications that-” I watch as their eyes instantly start to glaze over and decide to dial back a bit. “It’s just some crazy science stuff you won’t be worrying about until later. If at all.”

“I think I’d like to go with the ‘if at all’ option.” Noi says as she and the others shake off the brain-fuzzies.

I figure it’s best to change the subject. “So, enough about my understanding of basic astrophysics. What are you girls doing today?”

“Well, we were trying to come up with ideas for how to get our Cutie Marks, but nothing’s really coming up.” Sweetie Belle says, slumping a bit. “I figured if a lemonade stand and catapult wouldn’t work, then nothing would.”

I pause. “Wait... literal catapult or trebuchet?”

“It was a trebuchet, but it doesn’t really matter.” Sweetie clarifies.

“But at least we got a lotta Bits for the lemonade stand.” Scootaloo says.

“Especially after we started using real lemons!” Noi adds and I... Nope, don’t want to know what they were doing beforehand. Some mysteries are best left unsolved.

“Anyways, we got enough money ‘tween us to do just about anything we want...” Apple Bloom starts. “But I can’t think of nothin’ that we could buy to get us our Cutie Marks.”

“Hey, at least you have a job, right?” I point out. “Sure, money isn’t everything, but if you keep working at making it, maybe you could get a Mark in... uh... economics?”

“Uhhh... maybe?” Noi replies, looking a bit unsure. “What kind of jobs could we get though? Nopony hires kids.”

“Yeah, I mean, some of the other kids have jobs but they at least have their Cutie Marks already.” Sweetie notes.

“What kinda job do you have, Anthony?” Scootaloo asks. “Maybe we just need some ideas.”

“I uh... I don’t have a job. I’m looking for a way to earn some money myself.” I admit. “I mean, even if I did have my powers, I can’t pay rent in blown-up monsters. I don’t think I can convince a government body that I should be exempt from taxes because I saved the town a couple weeks ago.”

“Well, then we’re all gonna look for jobs!” Noi says. “If we can get him a job, then maybe we can get Marks for that!”

The four of them brighten up significantly and I quickly but subtly move my hands to my ears, knowing what was coming. All of them shout “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS JOBS FINDERS, YAY!“ except for Sweetie Belle, who says “EMPLOYMENT SEARCH ASSISTANTS”

The other three pause and give her a look, Scootaloo saying something about her being a dictionary and now it’s my turn to pause. “Well... I mean, using synonyms isn’t really a dictionary, that’s more of a thesaurus thing.”

Sweetie Belle gets up in my face and has her nose to mine. “Not... Helping...”

“Right, sorry. Just uh... yeah. Employment Search Assistants? We still going with that?”

“Yeah, for sure!” Scootaloo says cheerfully. “I mean, how hard can it be to find a job for somepony? Even if you don’t have powers you’re still super smart, and cool, and strong! Who wouldn’t want to hire him!?”

I decide to keep my comment of ‘Anyone who dislikes the sight of a three-adjective resume’ to myself and continue the discussion. “So what sort of work do you think would fit me?”

“Yer super-smart, what about bein’ a doctor?” Apple Bloom suggests and I wince.

“I’m not... that kind of smart, kiddo.”

“Then how about a science-ist?” Scootaloo offers. “He could be a resercherer of stuff like explosions and cool stuff!”

“The line between a scientist and a demolitionist is a thin one for sure.” I state. “But a line definitely exists, I assure you.”

“Oh! You could give ponies advice on stuff, like you did at school!” Noi offers.

“Sure... like what, though?” I ask in return. “I mean, what do folks need help understanding? I can’t just shout random advice at ponies and hope I’m being helpful.” I see Sweetie Belle very slowly lower her hoof in response. “Let’s come up with more positions I could fit.”

Apple Bloom rubs her chin. “Ya could try to work the farm... but ya can’t buck trees.”

“That, and I’m not too interested in farmwork in general.” I note.

“Okay... this is tougher than I thought.” Noi says as she taps a hoof, clearly trying to think of something else to suggest.

“Oh! You could be a cook! I bet that cool griffon restaurant would hire you!” Scootaloo suggests, “Rainbow Dash said the chef there is really cool and that she likes eating there!”

“Ah, I don’t do food service work.” I say, glad I get to shoot that one down early.

“Oh...”

Apple Bloom frowns just a bit. “Well that rules out mah idea, Ah was gonna suggest you try with the Cakes - Ah’m sure Pinkie could get you recom-ended.”

“I like baking and stuff.” I agree. “But it’s not really something I want to do as a job. If I make a pie, I wanna eat it, not just hand it off to someone else.”

“That’s a weird way to look at it.” Sweetie Belle says. “But it kinda makes sense.”

The group resumes trying to think of things. “Let’s narrow it down a bit. Let’s get a job for me not just my skillset. I have hands with opposable thumbs, I’m roughly twice as tall as a grown pony... what can I do with those?”

Now they look even more lost. “Uh... I...” Noi squints really hard in thought. “I can’t think of anything. Most of the jobs I can think of don’t really... I mean, what does get easier by having hands?”

“You could paint really tall fences.” Apple Bloom says and I blink. She isn’t wrong...

“Well, let’s think more on that later and come up with more options. What else gets easier by being relatively tall?” I ask, trying to get more of their gears turning.

“You can reach the cookie jar on top of the shelf!” Sweetie Belle says and all of us turn to look at her, causing her to blush and swish her tail in what seems to be some level of embarrassment. “...sorry, I was just thinking about cookies...”

“I’m kinda hungry, too.” Scootaloo says. “I guess we sorta skipped lunch by accident.”

“Well, let’s put a pin in the job-advisory and come back to it later. No use thinking on an empty stomach.” I say and stand up, stretching out of my sitting position. “I already ate, so I’m fine.”

“Alright, I guess we should go home and get food then meet back here.” Apple Bloom says.

“Easy for you to say, I live like a bajillion hours away from here.” Scootaloo says, and I know she’s greatly exaggerating but it just reminds me that I don’t really know where Scootaloo lives. I can ask later.

“Then we try to find someplace to eat that’s relatively close by. You said you had money from your lemonade stand.” I point out. “You can just come back here afterwards.”

“Uh, sure, but where would we go to eat?” Noi asks. “There are a few places around Ponyville, but mom doesn’t take me to restaraunts much so I don’t know that many.”

“There’s a place that sells hayburgers not too far from my sister’s house.” Sweetie Belle says. “It’s tasty, but Rarity doesn’t like it because the ‘atmosphere is unappealing’ and stuff.”

I blink. “Hayburger? As in... a hamburger, but with hay instead?”

“What’s a hamburger?” Noi asks and I have no idea what to say.

“Nevermind. It’s a human thing.”

“Ain’t ham made from pi-” Apple Bloom starts, but Sweetie cuts her off.

“Come on, it’s not even that expensive either.” Sweetie says and it seems both her points of nearness and price were enough to convince the kids of the option.

I get out of the playhouse first, since I take the longest to actually exit. I worm my way through the doorway without much issue and we’re all on the way shortly after, Sweetie Belle leading us since she seems to be the only one who knows where it is.

As we move, I feel a tap on my leg and I hear Apple Bloom whisper to me. “Ya meant ham like from pigs, right?”

I pause and whisper back. “Uh, no... well, yes... yes ham comes from pigs, but hamburger meat is beef. It’s a weird naming thing.”

“What’s beef?” Apple Bloom asks and I figure it’s harmless to answer since she already gets the whole pig-eating deal.

“It’s cows. Pigs make ham and pork, cows make beef.”

Apple Bloom gives me a weird look like only a child can. “But pigs don’t make ham, they... are the ham. I never heard any of the cows I know say nothin’ about makin’ ‘beef’.”

I’m about to explain my misuse when I catch what she said. “You talked to cows?”

“Well yeah.” Apple Bloom says. “All the cows talk. At least all the ones Applejack and I know do.”

“That... complicates my explanation.” I say. “I’d say talk with your sister about it instead.”

Bloom scrunches her face up a bit. “Oh, is it like that birds and bees thing?” and I feel the urge to strangle myself from ten seconds ago.

“Uh... no.”

“What are you two talking about?” Scootaloo asks and I realize Apple Bloom and I had slowed down quite a bit, making our whispering more conspicuous rather than less.

“Aw, he ain’t tellin’ me about the hamburger things from earlier.” Apple Bloom huffs.

“It’s not a subject I want to cover in place of more appropriate adult figures... such as your relatives.” I defend. Especially if cows are sentient species here. That’s a bucket of worms I’m not gonna open.

“Whatever.” Scootaloo says and the three of us catch up to Noi and Sweetie Belle. “They were just talking about hayburgers I guess.”

“Well, we’re almost there.” Sweetie says. “I don’t remember how much it costs, but I know it’s not much. Have you ever had a hayburger before?”

“Nope.” Apple Bloom replies, Scootaloo saying the same, Noi mentioning she’d never even heard of it before.

So this is my day, I suppose. I’m an appointed chaperone for a bunch of children who want to run off to Wendy’s for lunch. Maybe if I was better with children, I might see about a babysitting job. I’ll make that second-to-last resort. I do think of one thing to ask, just to break the silence. “So Cheerilee came by to see me earlier, and wanted to know when I might have another lesson at the schoolhouse.”

“You’re gonna be our teacher again?” Noi asks. “You gonna talk about more of that... planet stuff?”

I shrug. “Probably not. I don’t know what I’d teach. What would you guys like to learn more about?”

“Well...” Sweetie Belle says, indicating her thinking. “You say your world doesn’t have magic... So how do other things work then? If gravity is what raises the sun, does it do anything else?”

“Uh, not on a smaller scale.” I say. “I could make that my next lecture if you want.”

“Uh-uh!” Noi rejects the suggestion. “I wanna hear about how you guys travel. You say there are a bunch of you, so you must have some big airships. How big are your zeppelins?”

“Uhhhh... we don’t really have zeppelins. We used to, but after a few... issues, we mostly got rid of them. We have hot air balloons but those are fairly outdated as well. We use airplanes for transporting people long distances.”

“Airplanes?” Scootaloo questions, looking to her friends, who all shrug. “What’s an airplane?”

I rub the back of my neck, trying to think of how to explain it in simple terms, but I ultimately fail. “That’s... fairly complicated, I’ll give a more detailed explanation to the class as a whole. For now I’ll just say they’re... think like a massive winged thing that’s made of metal, and hollow on the inside for people to sit in during the ride.”

“Ya sit in giant metal birds?” Apple Bloom asks for clarification.

I’m unsure how to explain the basics of how airplanes use aerodynamics. At least, not without prep time and numerous diagrams. “Not as such, but that’s a close approximation at this juncture.”

“Ugh, you’re using big words again!” Noi complains as she looks confusedly upset.

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I’ll talk about it in more detail later.”

“For now, let’s get some lunch.” Sweetie Belle says as we get close to a building that... it certainly looks like a burger joint, but still in Ponyville’s usual wooden, thatch, and sparsely visible stone aesthetic. It’s strongly reminiscent of a rustic style McDonald’s, but with H’s instead of M’s. The four fillies run inside, half of them looking around at the borderline modern design with undisguised awe and interes- hey, there’s a ball pit in here!

There are two ponies up at the counter, one mare which looks super energetic and smiley, the other a very tired-looking mare, as if she hated her job and was just barely holding onto sanity. The fillies look at the menu board while I look at the ball pit. “Hey, how deep is that ball pit, exactly?”

The smiley mare grins. “It’s one half of a meter deep. Perfectly safe for even young ponies!”

Next, the bored-looking one speaks up. “If your fillies are going to play in it, we have a policy that adults should keep their attention on them. We are not responsible for monitoring your children.”

“Half a meter deep is all I needed to hear.” I say, making my way to the pit. The girls are still trying to decide what to order and so begin questioning the employees about the different menu items. Meanwhile, I have more important things to do. The cheery employee is answering all their questions with gusto and I catch eyes with the grumpy mare as I begin my self-distraction. Seems she caught on to what I was doing and just sighs before going back to paying half-attention to the kids.

I focus my attention on the surroundings beyond me, and listen as I hear the children finally make their decisions. "Alright, we'll start preparing your meals right away!" I hear the chipper mare reply and I wait patiently for my opportunity.

It doesn't take long, since it's a rather small restaurant. "Hey, is something missing?" Noi asks.

"Where'd Anthony go?" Apple Bloom asks. "Wasn't he just here?"

"He didn't leave without us, did he?" Sweetie Belle wonders aloud.

"Anthony wouldn't do that!" Scootaloo declares quickly.

The grumpy mare's voice states. "The ball pit."

"The ball pit? But... how would he fit? He's a lot taller than it is." Noi says.

The bait is perfect though as I hear a set of hooves approach, and just as it gets near enough, I reach up and grab whoever it was. I hear Scootaloo yell as I yank her into the pit. “I am the mighteous Ball-Rog, and I shall drag you all into the unforgiving depths of my domain! Your souls are now forfeit, mortals!”

“That’s not funny!” Sweetie says, clearly having gotten a scare.

“Yes it is!” Noi says, giggling and running for the ball pit, where Scootaloo is pantomiming various pained expressions to go along with my light hold on her, playing along expertly, Apple Bloom wading in as well.

Eventually even Sweetie Belle is convinced it would be fun to join in and we just mess around in the balls. I stay laying down for the most part so that I’m just an upper body. After a good few minutes, Scootaloo announces that she will “Slay the great Ball-Rog.” and I play along with her, lightly tossing balls in her direction as she ‘advances menacingly’.

Handling kids would be a lot better if it was just a matter of entertaining them like this all day. Either way, Scootaloo is ‘victorious’ and I make my dramatic death scene, sinking the rest of myself into the pit with over-dramatized death rattles.

“I beat the monster! I’m the coolest warrior ever!” Scootaloo proudly announces, and the other three start clapping and I speak from under the balls.

“Congratulations, brave evil-thwarter. You are worthy of receiving my boon. Do you know what amazing reward awaits ye?”

“Is it a cool sword? Or a cape!?” She asks, getting really into the game.

“Your reward is... more balls!” I say as I yank her under the pit again. She lets out a yelp and continues giggling. It continues for a bit longer, but eventually we’re a bit tired of the game. I get a better hold on Scootaloo as I carefully rise from the shallow ball pit. It’s pretty great being taller than ponies, but not as long as them. The chipper mare announces that their food is ready, the grouchy mare reminding us to make sure any and all balls are back in the pit before we sit down to eat. The fillies get a table, where I set Scootaloo down before going to clean up the balls that did actually make their way out of the pit.

The four of them get to eating while I just sit by their table and watch. I’m not that hungry, even after the minor wrestling match. Noi slides a cookie towards me, saying that she got something for me.

I pass on the treat, signifying as such with a hand gesture. “Nah, it’s fine, I don’t need it. Though if you’re passing out cookies, maybe our brave champion should get it?”

All of us smile and Noi hands the cookie to Scootaloo who puts down her burger to eat it triumphantly. “I’m the coolest!” she says, just barely before swallowing the cookie.

I grin. “I dub thee, Lady Scootaloo, slayer of all ball-related monstrosities.”

The four of them give a moderately loud ‘Yay!’ to which the bored mare notes that there’s no yelling in the restaurant. They weren’t making noise long enough to even warrant the warning. I get that she’s unhappy, but she needs to relax.

Once they’ve all finished, they look a tad tired. Scootaloo looks about ready to go into a food coma, so I figure I’d carry her when we leave. I pick her up and the other three follow behind. “Have a wonderful day!” The happy mare says. “Please come by again!”

“We need the business.” the unamused mare adds.

We make our way back to the CMC’s clubhouse, and Scootaloo quickly falls asleep as I’m holding her in an arm. I begin petting her with my free hand, and I’m reminded of just how soft pony fur can be, despite how short it is. About halfway to the clubhouse I hear her start to snore- wait, no, that’s purring. I forgot that ponies did that too. Agh, it’s adorable as fuck!

I just keep rubbing her back, and it’s clear that she’s enjoying it. This is a good use for fingers, actually. Ponies don’t have them, so it’s likely a sensation the majority of them are unused to. Only one I can think of who might be is Twilight, since Spike has hands. Maybe that’s something I could find a way to get paid for. Professional pony-petter... eh, maybe. I’ll come back to that if I truly run out of other options. It just seems so silly. But damn, this is soft and cute.

We’re coming up to the orchard clearing now so I stop scritching Scootaloo. After a few moments she stops purring and looks up. “Eh?”

“Oh, so you are awake.” I tease.

“Well, I am now.” Scootaloo says, now sounding only half tired. “That felt really good.”

“You enjoyed that, huh?” I grin, tightening my hold just a bit to give her a quick squeeze.

“Sure looked like she did!” Noi says, and Scootaloo seems embarrassed by this.

“Well, that’s fine. I don’t mind petting you. Anyways, we’re here so I’m gonna set you down now.”

“Do you hafta- Uh, I mean... yeah, sure. If you really need to.” Scoots says, stumbling on her words a bit. She’s so focused on being tough, it just makes her even more adorable.

The five of us hang out inside the clubhouse for a bit longer, though we never revisit trying to find me a job. I figure that should be something I do myself anyways. After a while, I figure I’ve had enough of a day and bid them goodbye.

“We should do this more often!” Noi says. “Come back next week?”

“You got it!” I say as I leave, the four of them giving their goodbyes as I make my way out of the door once again.

“Anthony’s the best!” I hear Scootaloo declare.

Sweetie Belle chimes in. “Why can’t the colts at school be like him?”

“Because colts are gross!” Noi says.

“They kinda are.” Apple Bloom agrees and I shake my head as I leave properly, done with my unintended eavesdropping.

Jump to top

Chapter 56

I take a sip from my glass, the familiar bitter flavor marking its path down my throat and heating up my belly as it rests, and another soon follows. The place around me is quiet. Nondescript. Simple. It relaxes me. Can’t seem to recall how long I’ve been here, but it doesn’t really matter. I’ll be here for as long as I need to. Though it could have a little bit... more I suppose, but nobody can get everything they want. I sigh and idly rotate the glass with my fingers, gently swirling the remaining liquid around. Nope, nobody gets what they really want. Certainly not me.

There’s some motion in my peripheral, I almost didn’t notice it. Someone approaching my space. I won’t initiate, they may not even be here for me.

“Hello.” Voice is feminine. Judging by the tone and the general proximity, she’s talking to me directly. Of course.

I knock back the rest of my drink and let the sting and heat fill my body. Should probably address them back. “Yeah? You want som- Woah.” The woman standing beside me is... stunning. She looks like she’d be taller than me by several centimeters if we were both standing. Long hair a dark shade, not gray but fairly dark without being totally black, goes down past her shoulders . Her skin is caucasian, but seems ever-so-slightly tanned. Eyes are... Eyes are a relaxed blue, washed with a hint of gray that is just barely not green. I realize that she’s looking at me back and I break eye contact, going back to my empty glass before resuming. “You want something?”

“I just wanted to talk, if you don’t mind.” I can hear a smile in her voice, if a small one. Knockout like her just wants to chat? With me?

“Uh, well.. What do you want to talk about?” I ask, a bit suspicious of this, given how unlikely the scenario is.

“You, if you’re willing. If not, we can talk about whatever you’d like.” For such a dark-colored appearance, her attitude is rather warm. I shift my gaze and notice her outfit, a long and loose-fitting sunset-violet dress, which is covering enough to be considered ‘not revealing’, maybe a tad more than that. Sexy, but reserved. She’s also got an odd pendant hanging just above her chest, with a sparkly charm that seems to be made of cut gemstone. Woman like this is talking to me, and wanting to talk about me? This seems fishy, almost premeditated.

“Knowing me isn’t easy.” I tell her. She’s really attractive, and that’s dangerous.

“I’ve gathered that already. Even so, I think it could do plenty of good.” She lifts a hand up and I shift away before she can get it close enough to touch me. She pauses, but at least she respects the rejection. “So, what would you like to talk about tonight?”

“Just find some other guy to tell their sob story, lady.” I answer shortly, turning my head even as she tries to look at me.

She seems to recoil slightly, and I see her figure slump in the corner of my vision. “You’ve been rather prickly before, but never so cold, Anthony. Though if you really don’t want me here, then we can try again another night when you’re feeling more open.”

Wait a moment. How does- why would she say- I turn to look at her again. “Luna?”

She starts, looking a bit surprised and confused but recovers. “Yes... I... did you think I was somepony else?”

I blink and do my own double-take. “Wh- why do you look like that!?”

Her eyes soften greatly and she looks nervous, clearly having no idea what to do with her hands. “I’m sorry. I was thinking... I know you have reservations against ponies, so I thought if I looked like a human, you’d be more receptive. I’m sorry if I’ve... offended in any way.”

I’m really confused, and a bit flustered. Not to mention skeptical. “You wanted to be human and you just... you picked this look?”

“I took a bit of inspiration from that female half-breed who took residence in Ponyville, but most of it was my design, yes. I believed that you’d be more comfortable if I accommodated you. I thought I looked fairly accurate without being too different from my regular self. I’m sorry if I confused you at first, I just hoped you’d find me more appealing.” Appealing? If you made yourself a redhead, I’d be tempted to start a-peeling that dress off right now... it takes everything I have to not externalize that thought as well as the subsequent punishing of myself for having that kind of thought. Especially about Luna. “Are you alright? Should I have made any more changes?”

Hell yeah, but just one or two. Agh! “No... you... you look fine.” Really fine. Ninhursag’s sakes, shut up, brain! “You look fine, but... it’d be best if you were just yourself. Really, I don’t have any problems with you looking like... you.”

“If it makes you more comfortable, I shall oblige.” A shimmer of light washes over her and she’s back to a midnight-blue pony just about eye level with me and with the shimmering starfield in her mane and tail. “After all, I am here to help you if I can.”

“Yeah... I don’t get why.” I say, shaking off the last of the errant thoughts and considering my real relationship with Luna which I realize is rather problematic. “I’m grateful for you trying to help, and it’s great to have someone who understands me even if only partially but... why? I figured you’d hate me.”

Luna’s lips part in confusion, evidently looking for something to say, and quickly. “Hate you? Why? I don’t understand.”

I turn my attention to the moon charm she’s wearing, which at first I mistook as gaudy jewelry. The one I made into diamond for her. “Why do you still wear that? I figured you’d never want it around.”

After she realizes what I’m talking about, she holds it up in a hoof. “Because it’s special to me. I’ve gotten treats from children during celebrations of my alter ego, and I’ve been thrown the occasional bout of vocal praise, but this is... nopony had ever given me a gift like this. What makes you think I’d ever do away with it?”

“Luna, do you... did you just forget everything that happened between us!?” I yell, not fully intending to raise my voice, but it feels right to do so. “I’m still a bit surprised you don’t want me dead!”

She shakes her head. “I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Tell me what you’re meaning, please.” She looks almost sad. “I need to know why somepo- someone who’s been so generous would think I ought to despise them.”

“Fine.” I say, sighing along with the word. “Let’s refresh our memories, shall we?” I alter the dreamscape about me, something I’m really good at by now, to take us to Canterlot castle, the room Twilight had taken me to on the day of my arrival. “On the very first day I showed up, I was... unhinged. I was rude and insulting to almost everyone. I acted like a spoilt child doing whatever I wanted, especially if it was at another’s expense. I didn’t even know you, and I just decided I would treat you like garbage. I mocked you, insulted you... even when you were at your wit’s end, I kept trying to push your buttons because I could get away with it. I was terrible for no good reason.”

I lead us out of that room and we enter the one we were in when I first displayed some of the extent of my coal manipulation abilities. “Here, I was demonstrating impressive power. Though it was only applicable to a very rudimentary material, I showed control over it to such a fine detail that Twilight had stated how even the most talented of unicorns had never reached such an extent of telekinetic prowess, and the things I could do with it were just short of fantastic. I decided to take the opportunity to make a peace offering of sorts. When I was done with my showboating, I poured an immense amount of my own energy into turning an object from one form of carbon into another, with a significantly different molecular structure. All for the sake of a token of apology.”

The room shifts to the hospital room I was in after that. “The strain was so great of not only transmuting molecular structure, but doing so without any warping to its shape, that I was admitted immediately. I left soon after, of course, but while I was there you took the time to come and see me, thanking me for what I’d done specifically for you.”

Luna nods, smiling softly and holding a hoof to the charm, pressing it against herself. The scene then changes. “Your bedroom. Where you had summoned me after I’d recovered.” I start getting a bit angry. “Yet again, you thank me and mention how special my creation is... then you turn on me. You say that power like mine is dangerous, that I need to be kept under control. That I should be leashed for it.” Now, I’m fully angry. “You have the gall to praise my work, but condemn my efforts in the same breath. I have a number of very serious triggers, but nobody in Equestria had yet pushed them except you, at that moment. You pushed a button, and you pushed it hard! You wanted me kept in place, you wanted me chained down, literally or figuratively it was the same. I was never going to stand for it. Nobody gets to be in control of myself but me. Nobody gives me orders, and nobody needs to tell me what kind of danger I could pose, as if I’m some rampant child who needs to be tethered to someone who can control me.” The fury grows cold, but stronger yet. “So I retaliate. I get angry. I call you a tyrant and accuse you of doing exactly the same to others. You threatened me, so I slung mud back... and you certainly didn’t like it.”

Luna looks apprehensive, and turns her head from me as I continue to recant. “You then give me an order. You act as if your decisions on my actions are more important than my own, and you lay down the final straw as a result. You wear my efforts around your neck like a prize, all whilst telling me that I shouldn’t be allowed to make whatever decisions I want. Nobody has the right to decide my actions... and I make that very clear. I knew there was one thing I could do to hurt you, so I did. I hurt you as badly as I possibly could, and I leave you to tend your wounds in solitude, and let you keep that pendant as a reminder that I have power... and there is not a single person who has the right to decide how I should use it.” The simulation of her bedroom fades to black all around us. “And that... was the last interaction we had until you start showing up in my dreams... wanting to help me. Talk to me. Support me. It doesn’t make sense. If you wanted me in a cage, you could easily do so... but instead you act as though this betrayal, this horrendous disregard for my right to autonomy... didn’t even happen?” My hands are on fire now, much like when I actually attacked her. “ And now... now you try and make me feel better about my lot in life? What’s your deal? Who’s supposed to be the real beneficiary here? Myself... or you, once I’ve been placated into letting my guard down? Why the fuck do you seem to give even a single lick about how I feel, when you certainly had no such interest before? I don’t even know why I opened up to you like I did... I wanted so badly to talk with somebody that I trusted someone who, by all logic, should want my head on the end of a spear. Why did I trust you? Why should you trust me?”

“Because I made a mistake and I know not how to rectify it, save by being there to aid you however I can.” she half-whispers, sounding so... fragile. Her voice is like paper-thin glass or ice, barely holding together.

The enveloping blackness lightens up a bit, into a misty gray and I share my side of things. “I’m just so used to people thinking of me a certain way and never changing their minds. If people liked me, they liked me. If they hated me, they hated me. It’s the way it is.” I can’t meet her eyes. “There’s even a number of those who were supposed to help, but only made my life more difficult. Nobody who wasn’t a friend ever apologized or admitted to making a mistake, no matter how much they hurt me.”

Silence hangs for a bit, the mist around us almost seeming to thicken a bit. “Then... am I not your friend?” Luna asks.

“I... I don’t know. Confidant, sure. Friend? ...” I don’t really know how to continue. “So you’re saying all of that was just... a mistake? An accident? A miscalculation? I mean, if you’re trying to say you weren’t that mad at me, then I certainly couldn’t see that.”

“I was angry of course, but my mistake was being as angry as I was.” Luna says, neither of us having an easy time looking at one another. “You are right, I should have been less venomous and used better words. When I said you should be leashed... that was out of line. Nopony- Nobody should be held against their will unless that right is completely forfeited.”

“Then what did you mean?” I ask, my tone admittedly sounding rather demanding.

“I wanted... I wanted to make sure you were safe to have around my subjects. The undeniable fact of your prowess... while it suffered from such an eccentric requisite material to work with, your demonstration was awesome. I knew my sister would make her approach of the situation slowly as always, but I had no way of knowing how dangerous you might be. I wanted to talk it over with you, but I admit I wasn’t feeling very diplomatic after considering the threat you could pose. In the end... I shouldn’t have been surprised you reacted the way you did.” I hear her sigh deeply beside me. “So as much as you hurt me and threatened my country by releasing Discord... I couldn’t rationalize any sort of retaliation. All through my recovery, my attendees had asked if I wanted to rebuke you for your treachery. I never did, because I felt ashamed any time I wanted to explain myself to them. I couldn’t muster the nerve to say that your assault was as much my fault as yours...”

“So...” I turn to her briefly. “Where do you think that leaves our relationship?”

“At the time, I felt ashamed and scared. I’d heard reports of your actions since then, and I was worried that perhaps the vindictive, furious path you were on was my fault, for acting too hastily. I was always so fast to make moves whilst my sister took her time with every single problem... I could barely look her in the eye for a week. I never told her why, but that fact gave me a familiar feeling. Yet again, I recalled the cursed madness that had taken me so long ago, and I was so terrified that I might have put you on the same path I was on that lead to... so much pain.”

“You thought I was going to become the next Nightmare Moon or something?” I ask, fully turning to her and raising an eyebrow.

“I wasn’t sure, but possibly. Not precisely Nightmare Moon of course but... Then I was relieved. I heard you had saved Ponyville from a terrible beast. The ponies you had no reason to care about. You literally risked life and limb to combat a threat that by all accounts was not your duty. You acted heroically, and I realized that your life-endangering efforts for the betterment of others was not only genuine, but you did so for an entire town... and also... just for myself.” She presses the charm against herself yet again. “I decided that I needed to understand you. I needed to talk to you. I thought that the simplest way would be the way I talk to any of my subjects in a private, neutral ground.”

“So what? You saw that I did nice things for others and that made me a hero all of a sudden?” I must have sounded pretty annoyed at that idea, because Luna quickly shakes her head.

“No. At that point I wasn’t sure what you were, but it made me realize that there was more to understand. You being so alien compared to the subjects my sister and I have governed... I wasn’t sure what to really think, but I knew then that you were not a simple-minded force of destruction.”

“You heard of me turning a massive, pony-eating behemoth into a bajillion meaty globs... and decided that meant I wasn’t incredibly dangerous?” I ask, now rather confused.

Luna smiles. “See, I had to talk to you. I had to know what you thought of it all, how you viewed your actions. I wanted to know more about you in general. Just as I needed to learn how my land’s society had changed after I had been purged of the Nightmare, I had to learn about my new ponies... and you not being a pony had indeed been a problem for me but I soon realized that it was... almost similar. How could I treat you unequally for being an alien whilst myself still being fairly alien to my advanced domain? Once I realized my hypocrisy... I had to confirm. I had to... know you. From what I understand of you now... My earlier judgement couldn’t have been more wrong. You are rash, but you understand your dangers. As I wrote to you before, that alone is outstanding. But you are so... afflicted with your past. I was afraid to even broach the subject of our altercation. Even if my goal was to apologize and I was forthcoming with that, I worried that simply bringing it up would have... soured your acceptance.”

I sigh and hang my head. “Yeah... I’ve got a lot of problems to work out. I get angry enough as it is, reminding me of something I was angry about would just... make me upset all over again.”

“You are, as you say, a difficult person.” Luna replies, softly. “But when you do open up... I enjoy it. As much as things have changed since I was very familiar with my land, so many things have stayed the same, so it was difficult to know exactly where I needed to transition myself.” Luna looks to me. “Then there was you. I should never have been so quick to antagonize someone who was already ostracized as I was, even unintentionally.”

“You’ve already apologized.” I say.

“Has it been enough, though?” Luna asks and I don’t really have a response. “Exactly. It’s hard to know what you are thinking or feeling. As exceptional as my sister and I have become at interpreting our subjects, you’re so different from them, and... it is difficult. I know that Celestia has a regime to uphold, and her admitting that she is having social troubles, even with only a single individual, is not good for her image. If her image falters, then... we are doubted. The easier it is for them to doubt us, the harder it is to convince them that we truly have their best interests in mind. As I do for yourself, Anthony.”

I shrug and fold my arms. “I still don’t like her. If she really wanted to make her own amends, she’d be doing what you’re doing right now.”

Luna smiles. “Is that another way of you saying you prefer myself over my sister?”

I pause and give a half grin. “Well, one of you is bothering to get my side of the story and sift out the bullshit. The other isn’t. Right now, I’d say you’re at the very least a better person than Celestia.”

“I may be wrong, but I believe you have little idea how much hearing that means to me.” Luna says and steps up closer to me.

“So then is Celly upset that there happens to be one person around who thinks she’s not all that great, and that her little sister is the better princess?”

Luna puffs up her cheeks a bit with a smile. “You aren’t the only one, but the number of those who share your sentiments are few. Would you like to hear a small secret?” I nod, and Luna leans her head on my shoulder, fully grinning. “Celestia says she’s glad I’m gaining popularity again after the Nightmare Moon legends smeared my name... but I also think she’s somewhat jealous because she isn’t everypony’s favorite princess as of late.”

I laugh. “Okay, okay. Levity is appreciated here, but let’s make sure that all of this is fully handled. I don’t want to possibly need to revisit this again.”

“Agreed. First, do you accept my apology?”

Well, thinking it over from her perspective.... I suppose it makes sense. She’s admitted she made a big mistake and is actively trying to make amends for it on her own initiative. “Yeah... apology accepted. That said...”

“Is there something wrong?” Luna starts to frown, looking a bit worried.

“I’m accepting an apology from the person who I physically assaulted.” I point out. “Regardless of who ‘started it’, that seems a bit odd.”

“Yes, I suppose.” Luna admits, looking away for a few moments. “Though I’ve already forgiven you for that all the same. At that time, I hadn’t understood anything about you. Even though we’ve only spent so few nights together, you’ve shown your wisdom, your passion, your pain... to assume you were nothing but the precocious and antagonistic terror you first portrayed yourself as... I’d seen just how unfair my assumptions were. Also...”

“Also?” I parrot questioningly.

“Also, I’d like to know even more about you. I want to help you. You’ve previously implied that you at least partially understand my situation... you’ve been the first to approach the subject of Nightmare Moon with me so blunty. You do not call it a ‘difficult time in my life’ or equate it to anything less than the terrifying experience it was for everypony involved, and you weren’t even there. Without having any presence at the key moments that lead up to then nor the aftermath, you talk of evil. Darkness. Disaster. Nopony else had ever been so brutally accurate and understanding of how dire the situation truly was. Even if they knew that was how I felt, nopony had said it. They’d rather forget it ever happened-”

I interrupt her, but continue her thought with my own. “-Than try to help you move on. Rather than talk about the problems... just act as if those things weren’t a problem. Sugarcoat it, wave it off, and move on.” I reflexively clench a fist in anger. “As if it’s really that fucking easy. Of course, it is so easy for them, because to them it’s just the words ‘I felt this’ or ‘I thought that’ and nobody-”

I’m suddenly on my back, Luna having leaped onto me, hugging me tightly. Her forelegs wrapped around my waist and moving up to around my shoulders. I see her smile as she begins to cry silently. I decide it’s best for her to just let it out and I pet her in a comforting manner. Her mane is really soft for looking all ethereal.

“I meant what I said.” Luna whispers, and I urge her to explain what she was talking about. “When I sent you that scroll. Told you that I thought perhaps you weren’t sent here for your benefit... but for others’.”

I’m really not sure what to say to that. “I mean... it’s not like this is proof that this is exactly what was intended. It could just be a coincidence that I turn out to be helpful to others.”

“Yes, it very well might be.” Her tears are dried and she’s hugging a little lighter now. “Though I don’t think it matters at all. Even if you were not intending to improve our lives, you have done so regardless.” She lets go and stands herself back up, regaining her usual composure. “Knowing somepony is able to get so close to understanding how my anguish feels is... liberating.”

“That’s sympathy.” I reply softly. “A little sympathy can go a long way, but so many people think offering compassion is a good enough substitute.”

“I’ll do my best to give the same to you.” Luna replies. “Any of your worries, anxieties or troubles... share them with me. I want to help you.”

I eventually smile in response. “So, of all the possible confidants I could have, I get Equestria’s best princess?”

She laughs. “If Celestia could hear that, and wasn’t fully able to avoid doing so publicly, I’d imagine she’d be rolling her eyes.” Guess even if you’re several thousand years old and the diarchs of an entire nation, you never fully grow above sibling rivalry.

It feels nice to know there’s at least one person in this crazy backwards world who I can trust. Maybe... maybe not the only one, either, I suppose.

Jump to top

Counsel for the Cynical

Anthony’s Mortality Log
Day number ...Fuck it

Still not favoring the various upkeep costs of caring for a walking meatbag. Food and water requirements are aggravating in their consistent necessity. Cleaning myself feels fine, but the necessary consistency of it is less than ideal. I liked it better when I didn’t have to do a damned thing. Forget holding electricity in my hand or becoming a thirty-meter titan, I want to go back to not having to interrupt everything I may be doing just because I get hungry or need to take a crap. Amazing machine that it is, the human body is horrendously inefficient. If this goes on for too long, I’m gonna start gaining weight again. It’d suck to be doing all this nigh-effortless ‘not eating badly’ and ‘frequent exercise’ I’m allowed by the star core to vanish for so long that my endomorphism starts showing again.

I feel my knees pop a bit as I get out of bed. That’s certainly something I don’t miss, either. Throwing on my clothes from yesterday I head for the bathroom. Window is still broken but at least it’s been covered up for now. I brace my arms on the sink's edge and stare at the mirror long enough to really hate what I see. I look like utter garbage. Is that really my hair? Fucking hell... where does Twilight put a comb?

Drawers are labelled at least, but all I find is a brush. I take a minute to make myself look half decent and toss the brush back in the drawer and look back in the mirror. Hair isn’t bad anymore but I still look almost as messed up as I feel. What the fuck are you gonna do with yourself, man? You have a plan, somewhere in there, right? Damnit.

I stretch and sigh, leaving the bathroom. Go downstairs... or back to my room? I don’t know, nothing’s gonna happen. Everyone around says Ponyville is a weirdness magnet, so why is it that things haven’t been all that tumultuous lately? They also say that I’ve been... improving. Twilight even said as much yesterday. Am I a better person? I mean, some days I do feel like I’m living a better life, but today? Ugh... the only things consistent are the things I don’t like.

There’s gotta be something to do around here. I guess one of the big things that I haven’t done since I lost my powers is express myself. I could do something like that... I guess. What can I do? Today I just feel agitated. Restless. Upset. Angry. Like I need to vent. Creatively.

Hmmm, there’s an idea.

A small house on the edge of town is bathed in moonlight just like its neighbors, the yellowish glow of candlelight from inside the windows extinguish as the people prepare to sleep. Tensing up, my muscles begin to twitch as I stare down at the hamlet and I feel a hunger begin to grow inside me... a hunger that will soon be quelled.

Creeping slowly towards the house, I position myself near a window and leap through the wall, splinters flying everywhere as the boards weaken against my weight and brawn. A woman begins to scream but is cut short as I bring my claws to her throat, silencing her to short breaths and groans of pain as I knock her to the ground and rip her chest open. Kneeling over the quickly-dying woman I feast on her insides.

But it’s not enough, tonight my hunger cannot be satisfied so easily. Viscera clinging to my chops, I smash my way out of the house and begin heading towards the town proper, now awakened and alarmed by the first woman’s scream. Townsfolk come running, and I leap towards a man clothed in ragged fur, almost coarser than my own.

I land on the man, both of us screaming as loud as possible, his of fright and mine of victory as my teeth rip off what little flesh is available from the man’s head. The scent of blood drives me to pull his body apart and I begin eating what I can from his skinny bones.

Far from content, I turn to the rest of the townspeople who are running away in fear. With a loud, deep howl I signal the beginning of the hunt and chase down the next nearest victim, my natural speed far outpacing theirs. Soon I am once more atop my meal preparing to continue my feast when a strike to my back draws my attention. Angered by the interruption, I turn to my assailant and see one of the town guards, clad in metal and armed with a sword.

He takes another strike at me but I charge at him, knocking him back. With an unstable stance, the guard is open to my attack and I peel the platemail away and dig my claws deep into his unarmored flesh. I begin to make him my next meal, ripping the rest of his armor open like a sweet wrapped in light paper as I tear my claws through him over and over sending viscera everywhere, covering myself in his blood sending waves of endorphins through my body. I need more. More blood... I hunger...

Not bothering to savor the taste of his death, I move on. Another guard rushes towards me but a quick swing of my arm sends her flying into the wall of a nearby house. Spotting more prey inside the house, I dash past the guard and hurl myself at one of the villagers, and tear at my victim’s chest with my teeth. The guard begins to right herself and so I return my attention to her, briefly swiping a clawed hand across her unarmored head, tearing large gashes into her face.

Not pleased with my slow pace I begin to simply chase down and kill everyone, deciding to feed on their corpses once I am finished. With another ferocious growl I bear down on a mass of people and leap amongst them and begin slashing my way through them, gore being sent flying everywhere as I continue my frantic massacre, the feeling of the hunt invigorating me, transforming me from a mere beast into a true apex predator. I... need... more...

I grab one of the remaining people and tear them in half before turning my attention to the pile of bodies that were my victims. Nature succeeds this day, as the rules of the wild enforce themselves through me. I need more... I begin my feast, fangs tearing and shredding through tendons and marrow, my hunger being satiated as-

“Anthony, what are you doing?”

I sigh as my focus is shattered by Twilight’s interruption and my momentum is completely halted like a derailed train of thought. “Go away.”

Twilight looks over my shoulder and then backs up and starts smiling and prancing in place. “...are you writing? As in an actual story? You’re a writer!?”

“Meh, lemme ‘lone!” I reply, trying to shoo her away, already perturbed by my lost focus.

“Wait, I want to see!” She levitates the parchment towards herself and her eyes go wide as she scans it. “Agh! You can’t start a story like that!”

“Hey, en medias res is a perfectly legitimate writing style.” I defend.

“No, I mean it’s all... yuck! Anthony this is horrible!” She puts the pages back down on the desk, backpedalling in disgust.

“Well, I didn’t want to show it to you in the first place.” I inform her.

That gets Twilight to pause. “But why not? I love reading!”

“Sure, but you aren’t my target audience, which has been proven by your revulsion towards the subjects I’m emphasising.” I point out. “It’s not meant for people with weak stomachs or saccharine views on ‘proper literature’.”

“But... You can’t write a story like that...! It’s disgusting!” Twilight insists, upsetting me more.

I don’t need much defense against such a weak ‘argument’. “Yes, yes I can. I can write whatever I want.”

“It’ll never get published like that though!”

I give Twilight a weird look. “I’m not going to publish it, it’s writing for my own entertainment. I don’t care if you hate it. I’ll write my story how I want.”

“It’s all wrong, though!” She insists again and it actually takes me a moment to process what she just said.

A ‘wrong’ way to write? The fact that somebody as inclined to literature as she is could even conceive a phrase like that is... I honestly want to wring her neck on behalf of anyone who ever put pencil to paper. “I’ll write my story, and you can write your own, and we don’t have to read each other’s stories. Now go the fuck away!”

“Alright alright... sheesh, you are so... weird.” She turns to walk away, but I’m not done with my arguments yet.

“You’re the one saying I should be less of a jerk, and also the one telling me what methods I’m allowed to use to vent my frustration!” I half-yell in response. “I hate having to fit myself into your stupid equine lifestyle and then also having to do it in the way that they'll accept. Do you really want me to be a better person, or do you actually want me to change into a person that you like?”

Twilight stops and turns back, looking uncomfortable. “Th- that’s not fair, I’m just saying that I don’t think having those kinds of thoughts is healthy. You should change your outlook to one that’s a bit more socially acceptable.” I nearly snap at that, and can feel my hands get cold.

“I’m not allowed... to have thoughts... you don’t approve?” I stand up, fists clenched. Twilight shrinks slightly and looks up at me.

“I didn’t... I didn’t mean it like that, I... I just-” I know she’s putting her foot in her mouth over and over, but with the way she acts so sure of herself it’s not hard to believe that she actually thinks it’s okay to be saying things with such horrible implications.

“Go away, Sparkle. If you know what’s good for you, stay completely silent and leave now, before I start justifying actions that everyone will regret.” She pauses and we stand in silence for a few moments. She sighs and nods, bowing her head and walking away.

I look back at the parchment I’d been writing on and I just tear it up. It wasn’t even that good, anyways. Pacing was fucking garbage. I just can’t imagine how Twilight could twist the conversation from a critique on writing to ‘educating’ me on my ideals so easily. Maybe she needs a second cutie mark just to reflect how easily she gets under my skin.

Maybe I just need to get out of here. It has gotten easier for me since I started being away from the library more often. I step outside and the fresh air feels nice. There’s a very tiny hint of cold to it, as well. Autumn is slowly making its way in. Halloween would be nice, maybe that’ll raise my spirits, though it’s still a ways off. I need to go somewhere now. I haven’t seen Pinkie Pie since everyone got back from the Crystal Empire, and she’s helped me talk through some bad shit before... Yeah, I’ll go see her.

Doesn't take that long to get to Sugarcube Corner, and it looks like they're open. The bell dings as I enter, and Mrs. Cake comes out of the back area just a few moments later. "Well, good morning, Anthony! Anything I can get for you today?"

I give a short wave of my hand. "Nah, I've been a little light on money lately. I was wondering if you'd mind if I had a chat with Pinkie Pie."

Mrs. Cake just smiles. "Sure! We've got a bit more prep work to do still, but once we're stocked up and ready for the late morning, we should be free enough for her to take a break until ponies start coming in and placing orders."

I nod. "I can wait a bit for her." My tongue touches my lips and I notice how dry they are, and then how dry my whole mouth is. "Actually, I'm a bit thirsty, could you spare some water?"

"That's no problem at all!" She says, and leaves for a moment and coming back with a cup of water. "Here you go. You shouldn't be waiting long."

I nod and take a drink from the cup, feeling a lot better after. "Not a big deal if I was." I assure her. "Time is something I have a fair amount of." I go to lean against the far wall, continuing that thought internally. 'But if my star core doesn't repower, and assuming it's no longer extending my lifespan, I don't have nearly as much time as usual in the grand scheme of things.' I take another drink of water.

I space out long enough for Pinkie to come out front. “Heya, Anthony!” she walks over to the table I’m at, bouncing just a bit in the process. “It’s good to see you! I’ve been pretty busy trying to make up for the days I missed, so I didn’t get a chance to come by the library. I was gonna do it today but now I don’t have to!”

I smile a bit. “Yeah. It’s pretty wild. Good to know there’s folks around who are happy to see me.”

Her smile changes from one of excitement to one that looks more like just plain sincerity. “You’ve got something on your mind, huh?”

“Easy to tell?” I ask, and she just rolls her eyes a tad, still smiling.

“Sure is! You’re not being all that subtle with your wording, either. So! Whatcha wanna talk about?” She’s so enthusiastic about helping me and it... it feels nice. But... why is she that way, though? It is a question I’ve been meaning to ask.

“Pinkie Pie... why do you like me?”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, her smile falters just a bit and she sighs. “Ooooookay, getting right into the big ones, huh?” She pauses for a deep breath, but at least she’s smiling still. “Sorry, I figured you’d either ask that sooner or not at all so I... thought you wouldn’t.”

“If you don’t want to say-”

“Oh, nothing like that. It’s fine to talk about, it’s not like it’s embarrassing, I just wasn’t expecting this conversation. So... why do I like you? There are a couple reasons.” Her smile is bright as ever, and it seems she’s going to be honest with me, not that she ever hasn’t as far as I know. “Okay, we’ll start here. You’re really special.”

I sigh. “Yeah, I’ve had that exact adjective be used as reasoning why people didn’t want me around at all, so please specify.”

Pinkie Pie winces a bit but keeps going. “Yeah, like that. You... you aren’t all that happy. See, my special talent is making others have fun and enjoy themselves. I like to make others smile, it’s all I really want most of the time. If others are happy, then I’m happy and if I made them happy then that’s even better.”

“Okay, but what does that have to do with me?” I ask.

“I was getting there.” Pinkie assures me. “So, here’s the thing. I like making folks happy, but honestly it’s not that difficult most of the time. I’ve met folks who didn’t even want to smile or be happy before, and that was a pretty big deal. I managed to help them out though and now they’re just as joyful as everypony else around. You’re... different. It’s not that you don’t want to be happy, you just... aren’t. For whatever reasons you have, either in general or at any given moment. The important part is... you aren’t a very happy person. Anyone else around town... I can tell a joke, give them a hug, or throw a party for them and they’ll be a lot better. You... aren’t as easy as that. You’re complicated.”

I hang my head a bit. “Yeah... I just don’t always have that in me. So much crap has happened to me... Sorry for, Idunno, roadblocking your talent or whatever.”

Pinkie smiles and leans in. “Don’t be sorry, that’s my point. You aren’t always easy to make happy... so when you are happy, it’s a big deal. If I made you happy then... I did something important. I like you so much, because if I can make you happy, then that means that... my talent isn’t just one that anypony could have. My Cutie Mark gives me a skill to make others happy, and I’m happy for them. Your joy just happens to be a bit more difficult, so it’s more special for me when I do it.” She smiles a bit. “I’m going in circles a bit, sorry. I just don’t really know how to explain it better than that. Making you happy makes me feel better than if I made Roseluck or Batch Run happy. I can make them smile with no problem. Even Cranky isn’t that hard to handle these days, but when I help you then... I’ve done something better for you than just make you smile. So I guess it makes sense that I’d want more chances to make you happy.”

I look her in the eyes and she looks just so... genuine. She steps forward a bit in a way that I’ve learned is her body language for asking for a hug, so I kneel down and I pull her in. It feels... so nice. She really cares. I guess I always knew that but this just makes it feel more... solid. She doesn’t just want to help me because I’m fucked up and need fixing, and not just because she’s too nice to just let me boil on my own. Her short fur is warm on my bare arms and I squeeze a little tighter. “So... that’s the reason you like me so much?”

She rubs her cheek against mine. “Not the only reason... but that’s a big one.”

I let go of the hug and she does the same in return, and I stand up. She bounces back and switches quickly to her usual ‘super cheery’ attitude. “Aaaaanyways, I think I still have some more time before I gotta get back to work. Wanna hear a joke?”

Yeah, I could use a laugh. I grin back at her. “Only if it’s a good one.”

She giggles. “Okay, here goes. One time, I spilled spot-remover on my dog... and now I can’t find him!”

I nod. “Not bad, heard it before. I got my own version of the joke. Why does a mother dalmation never have to worry about losing sight of her puppies?” Pinkie Pie thinks for a bit, then shrugs. I raise my eyebrow. “They’ve already been spotted.”

Pinkie laughs at that. “Oh, that’s a good one. Okay, uh, let’s see... What did the duck say after buying lipstick?”

I know where this is going immediately. “Put it on my bill.”

“Aw, you know that one too?!” She fake-pouts. “I know I have one you haven’t heard!”

I take my turn. “So a guy goes in to see a physician for some leg pain. The doctor says ‘Sir, you seem to be overweight. You’re just too fat.’ So the guy gets mad at the accusation and says ‘I want a second opinion!’ and the doc says ‘Okay, you’re ugly, too!’”

Pinkie frowns and says “That’s mean!” but a short chuckle afterwards tells me what she really thinks. “Uh, alright... why is six afraid of-”

“Seven? Because seven ate nine.” I reply, rolling my eyes and giving a clever grin.

“Aww, this isn’t fair!” Pinkie pouts again. “Buuuuuut I’m having fun anyways. Hehehe!”

I decide to go for something more akin to a riddle with this one. “Hey, Pinkie. Do you think a cricket could jump higher than a house?”

Suddenly, I see a great big smile cross her face. “Oh, oh, oh! Yes, because a house can’t jump!” I nod and she starts beaming. “Hah, I got one now! Why did the witches disband their baseball team?”

I pause. “Witches... and quitting baseball." Damn... I figure my arbitrarily-long guessing time is up so I shrug. “Okay, I give up.”

“Their bats flew away!” She smiles, laughing aloud, and I sigh with a facepalm. Should’ve seen that coming.

Still, my turn. “Say, do you know why I call the bathroom ‘Jim’?”

“I don’t know, Anthony. Why do you call the bathroom Jim?” Pinkie replies in typical stage-show format. I decide to keep it going with my call back.

I deliver the punchline. “Because it sounds better when I say I go to the Gym every morning!”

“Hey Anthony, why did the can crusher quit his job?” She seems whipped up in all this so she doesn’t give me much time to think. “It was soda-pressing!”

Damn, that one’s corny... My turn now. “Do you know how to make a tissue dance?” I pause. “Put a little boogie in it.”

“Ewwwwww!” Pinkie cries, making a pleased-looking disgusted face. “Okay, okay. I got a couple more and then I gotta head back, okay?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Alright, here we go. I used to have an ant farm-” What!? No... no... Not this... “But I had to sell it...” I feel my body go cold and my guts tighten up. I try to cover my ears but the damage had been done. “I couldn’t find tractors... that... Anthony, are you okay?”

Fuck! I pull my hands from my ears and just grab my forehead. “No. I... I need to be somewhere else! Now!”

“Anthony?” I don’t bother replying or turning back. I leave and run away from the bakery until I find the side of another random building. I lean my arm against it and bury my face in the crook of my elbow. Damnit! Why that joke!? Of any potential pun or play-on-words... why'd she have to tell that one!?

I pull my head back a bit and feel my face with my other hand. No tears. Still no tears, not a single one. Of fucking course. I just can't... can't. Now Pinkie's probably worried about me. She'll ask, of course, she'd be a bad friend if she didn't but what the Hell do I tell her? Will she let me deflect? Will she be perceptive enough to know if I lie? Why doesn't it make me fucking cry, even now?

Why can't I just fucking escape this? How can they want me to let go of my pain when they shove me back into it without even trying!? Why does it have to come back? Why did I not notice I'd almost forgotten and why can't I let it go? I just want to cry it out, but it just doesn't ever come! I can feel my fists digging my fingernails into my palms, and I bury my face further into my elbow. If I care so much that it hurts but can’t care enough despite that, then why care at all? How can I so precisely hit that midpoint of being sensitive enough to make others pity me, but I don’t hurt enough for it to mean anything to myself and actually deserve that pity? I really don’t deserve any of it, but they act like they need to anyways. The comfort they try to give me feels nice, but it never feels truly deserved. I don’t need coddling and they shouldn’t waste their time on me. My problems aren’t even that important in the grand scheme of things. Why don’t they see the big picture and leave me to it? How can I possibly be that important, when I can’t even grieve properly? Why can’t this shit stop hurting? It’s over. Over and... gone.

“Hey, Anthony?” I snap back from my internalization at Pinkie Pie’s voice. I know I can’t just ignore her... all I can do is cover more of my face as I reply.

“Y- yeah.”

I can hear the pause in Pinkie’s voice before she’s even spoken again. “...you’re not going to tell me. Are you?”

Ow. “No.”

She sighs, a sound I honestly hate to hear in her voice. It sounds so... alien and sad. “Well, even if you won’t let me help you, you need help anyways. You need to talk to somepony. I don’t know who, but it needs to be somepony. As much as I like you and want to see you happy, I’m not stupid. I know that when you get like this, nopony can do anything about it. You just push us away, even when we wanna help you. If there was anything you do that hurts me, it’s this.”

Now I hurt. A lot. “I...”

Pinkie continues “I don’t need to know why something is a problem, I want something done about it. I want you to be happy, even if it’s not me who helps you, but it has to be somepony because you can’t handle it on your own when you get like this.”

I shudder with how much it hurts to hear this, especially from her... damn perceptive pink ponies. She’s right... and it doesn’t hurt for the usual reasons I don’t like people being ‘right’ about me.

“Anyways, I have to get back to work soon. You need to go see somepony you can trust. Somepony who you don’t mind talking to. I don’t know anypony like that just now considering how rare it is for you to talk about these things. Maybe Fluttershy, you seem to be fine with her. Whoever it is, make sure you get something out of it even if it’s knowing they were the wrong one to help you. Just do that much for me, okay?”

I sigh and shift away from the wall. Hopefully that’s a good enough response.

“Okay, I’m going back. You find that somepony to talk to. Please.” I hear her turn and retreat, another sigh making me feel a little sick. Who could I talk to, though? Fluttershy? I mean... maybe. She’s certainly more receptive than most, and I know that she’d keep quiet about anything I tell her, even if she can’t help me. I suppose she wouldn’t be a bad place to start.

I accept option one and figure out how to get to her place from here. Thankfully I just need to go relatively in the direction of the Everfree forest. Walking is slow, but I can’t really muster much energy. I’ll get there eventually. At the very least the star core left me with the stamina I’ve built up physically these last few months, so it’s not even that tiring to walk from one end of town to the other, just takes a while.

Dunno how long it’s been, feels like several hours, but I’m sure it can’t have been that long. At least I’m here. I move up to her front door and knock. Doesn’t take long for Fluttershy to answer it, and she looks up a bit. “Oh! Hello, Anthony. Is there something I could help you with?”

“Uh, maybe.” I flex my hands, and stuff them in my pockets.

“Well I...” She trails off. “Are you feeling alright? You don’t look so good.”

Just need to take a breath and say it... Denial at this point does nothing. “I uh, need some help.”

She gives a small smile. “I’ll help if I can. Would you like to come in?” I nod and she opens the door fully, stepping aside for me to duck inside. “Are you sick? I could start some soup if you’d like.”

I am a bit hungry, I haven’t eaten today. Even so, it’s not what I’m here for. “Nah, it’s not that. I just... I need someone to hear me, I suppose.”

“I’m willing to listen, if you need me to.” Fluttershy says, a tiny fluffing of her wings which I think is some sort of body language, though I don’t know what for.

I sit down on her couch. It’s tiny, but the arms being a lot more distant from each other compared to a chair makes it not uncomfortable, so I don’t feel restrained, stuck or squished. “I suppose I should start with why I’m like this.”

“You can start anywhere you’d like.” Fluttershy moves to a chair nearby.

“Okay... I’ll get the easy stuff done first. So I woke up in a bit of a bad mood, and it didn’t exactly lessen from there. Twilight and I had a bit of a... an aggressive misunderstanding. I leave and go see Pinkie Pie and she’s obviously wanting to make me feel better. We talk a bit and she’d cheered me up.”

“But you still look sad.” Fluttershy notes. “Are... did something go wrong with Pinkie Pie?”

“Not as such.” I sigh. “She got me feeling better and we start trading jokes around. Some clean ones a couple gross ones, you know. But then she tells a joke that... uh... I didn’t take well.”

“Oh no, did she tell an insulting one? She does that sometimes, but I know she never means it.” Fluttershy replies, defending her friend.

“Nothing like that, no it was a ‘real’ joke. I just... I have a bad history with the exact joke she tried to tell. Really bad history.” I look down at the floor of her house. The rug looks like it could do with a bit of cleaning.

“Is it alright if I ask what that is?” She’s still quiet but a little louder. At least she’s sure of her questions.

“My grandmother. That joke was... it was the last thing I ever said to her.” Now that I’ve said it, I can’t help but get it all out. “She was always really nice. One of the few family members I completely liked. She was kind, humorous, and just a wonderful person. She was pretty old, but in rather good health, didn’t need much help with anything.” I feel my fist clench. “Then, she gets cancer.”

I hear Fluttershy gasp quietly. I figure it’s best if I continue, now I need to vent.

“Breast cancer. Can you believe it? This woman who had done nothing wrong, a devout Christian even. She was practically a saint... and she gets cancer. Of course, it was terrifying. I wasn’t a kid anymore, a fair way into my teens, but it was terrifying. We went to see her whenever we could, trying to be supportive and all through the chemotherapy and such. She was barely hanging on, but...” I chuckle a bit. “She was tough. Can’t tell you how many months she kept going, she was still happy and trying really hard to be energetic and she held on like crazy.” I shut my eyes. “But we knew it wasn’t going to be long. Soon she was given a prognosis of a couple weeks, and we go see her as usual. Everyone in the family is super quiet, nobody’s saying much at all, but they’re basically saying goodbye, you could tell by their tones.” Fluttershy doesn’t respond so I keep going. “I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I told her a joke. One I knew she’d like. ‘I used to have an ant farm, but I sold it. I couldn’t find tractors that small.’ and of course, old farm girl she used to be, she lit up like a Christmas tree.” I smile a bit, but I can feel my fists clench as I continue. “She only lasted a few days after that. Nobody was around when it happened. The last thing I did for her was try to make her happy... but I was too soon. If we’d postponed the visit by a few days, I could have let her die a few hours after. I could have left her happy but... who knows what she was thinking then? Nobody. Not one person got to hear any final words or give her a final message.” I grit my teeth. “Everyone in the family is broken up about it. I knew it was going to happen but I wasn’t prepared. All of us were sad. But... I never cried. I wasn’t one to cry in general but... This time I wanted to, more than ever before. It made me look bad. I looked sad, but I wasn’t crying, so... I couldn’t be that hurt, right? My sister even accused me a few times of not caring. What was I going to say to that, huh? And now, even to this day, when I’m forced to relive the feelings again, no tears. Never. I don’t cry. It’s just not me. Maybe I didn’t care much after all... I cared, but how much did I care really?”

There’s a thick silence before I get a response. “It sounds like you cared quite a lot, to me.”

“It just makes me... so mad. How? Why? How could anyone convince me after that? How could I ever stop believing that bad things will happen to good people for no reason? How can I just forget that the world is harsh, uncaring and unfeeling, to hurt someone so much for doing nothing but good? If I’m evil, I get ostracized and tortured. If I’m good, all that awaits me is the same death, possibly an even more painful one.”

“That’s why you’re mean, but not bad.” Fluttershy replies. “You’re scared of... being too nice?”

“Of being hurt for not deserving it. If I do deserve it, then fine; I had it coming. Only means that it’s on my initiative to deserve whatever shit gets thrown my way, but if I get too overzealous, then I’m just a criminal. People hate you for wearing a black hat, you’ll only get stepped on for wearing a white one... so I stay gray. If something bad happens, I should deserve every last inch of it, just to add a bit of fucking fairness to the random acts of cruelty by this sick twisted mortal coil.”

“The world is unfair... so you do bad things... to make it more fair?” Fluttershy seems to understand the ‘math’ behind it, but still looks very confused. “Okay, yes, the world is unfair. It is. But... wouldn’t it be better to just do good? To show that... you don’t care about how bad it is? That you’re better than it is?”

I roll my eyes. “Of course not... you do that, then suddenly everything nice or kind you do is done out of personal spite towards the world’s cruelty, not to be good for the sake of doing good. Being good for selfish reasons is so much worse than being genuinely bad.”

Fluttershy shifts her head and tries to hide her face behind her long pink mane. “I- I’m sorry, I don’t like this conversation... can we stop, please?”

I sigh and nod. “Sorry, there’s just... a lot of anger. So much fucking anger...”

“I understand that much.” Fluttershy says softly. “But we’d rather you be happy anyways.”

“How do I do that, exactly? How do I just brighten up?”

“Uhm... uh, you could...” She has a few more false starts. “Maybe... you could be happy from... us? Be a bit more open. Spend more time with others. Even if it’s not to be nice to us, you could still involve yourself more?”

I decide to correct a bit of misinformation. “I’m not against acting nice, it’s just that when I do act mean on purpose, I generally don’t feel bad about it. I’ve earned another year in Hell, rather than it being assigned to me for no reason. It’s my assurance. If I’m going to be punished for something, I should deserve the punishment. I’m a bad person for having done so many mean things, but that doesn’t mean I refuse to be kind.”

“I... suppose that makes sense?” She shifts in place, still rather unsure and uncomfortable. “Well, if you don’t mind being nice, then maybe that is what you need to do. Involve yourself, that is. See what others are doing, participate more. We all have our problems but we’re generally happy. We’ll share that with you if you let us. Maybe if you’re a little less mean we can make you feel happier.”

Really? She’s being serious? “You think I deserve that? To simply have others make me happy for the sake of my happiness?”

“It’s like I said before. I don’t think you’re a bad person, just confused. Maybe a little less confused than I thought... You do bad things, but it’s for a reason... even if it’s a strange one. If you ask me, that means you aren’t a bad person. If you were, it would be because you liked it or felt that there was no reason not to be bad.”

“There are more shades of gray than that... but I get what you mean, I suppose.” I clasp my hands and hunch down a bit.

Fluttershy nods. “So try that. Open up a bit more. Do more to be around us and maybe be nice or helpful, just don’t push us away like you do. We can’t make you feel better when you push away. Even if it doesn’t work out then... um.” She mumbles a bit but speaks up afterward. “What did you really lose by trying?”

There’s more questioning in her surety of her ask than of wanting my answer, but I nod. “Okay... I suppose I could do that. It’s not going to be easy. I’ve... I’m still not a very trusting person. Skepticism is how I avoid being abused.”

“Yes, you have a hard shell that you like to hide in to stay safe... but we can’t help you feel better if you don’t open up for us once in a while.” She smiles a bit. “It’s no good trying to feed a tortoise who won’t stick his head out.”

“Preach, sister.” I smile. “So aggravating.”

“Huh? Oh, right! You said you used to work with tortoises and turtles before.” She recalls. “See? There’s something we share... you may be surprised at how much you could have in common with somepony else. You just have to be willing to find that, and make something enjoyable out of it."

“Yeah, I suppose. Worth trying, anyways.” I stand up from the couch. “I’ll give that some thought. I think I should get going now.”

Fluttershy nods. “Are you sure you don’t need anything else before you go? You’ve been fairly negative, would you like a... a hug?”

Another pony offering to just hug me, like it’s a really casual question... Feels so strange for folks to actively try comforting me. “Uh, no, I’m alright. Don’t worry about it, I’ll let you get back to your day.”

She nods and I leave her house. Get myself more involved... I suppose it really couldn’t hurt to try.

Jump to top

Chapter 58

Pacing around town, there’s not a whole lot to see. There’s some commotion not too far from where I am but whatever it was is long over before I get there. Whatever caused it must have been moving pretty fast and left just as quickly.

Yet again, I’m late to the spectacle... whatever it was. So it’s back to pacing about searching for things to do. The other day, Fluttershy suggested I involve myself more but that requires finding something to involve myself with.

As usual, the only people that come to mind that I can really enjoy myself with are the children. Man, there need to be more interesting adults about, because I’m practically attaching myself to the local youth purely for entertainment. Then again... I suppose it makes sense that I’d be hanging around with others like myself. Virtually no responsibility, tons of free time and running off to dick around for the hell of it because ‘why not?’ and all that. I’m quite the pathetic loser...

Oh well... beggars can’t be choosers. I think school’s out now, so I head off to the crusaders' clubhouse. I get to the clearing and see them leaving already, charging off in different directions. Hope I can catch their attentions in time.

“Hey girls, what’s happening?” At my call they stop and notice me.

“Oh, Anthony! We were just gonna go find our sisters and Rainbow Dash.” Sweetie Belle says.

Applebloom nods. “Applejack and I are gettin’ a break from all our work. Applebuckin’ season isn’t here yet, but we’ve been workin’ ourselves rough, so she said we should go campin’ out at Winsome Falls!”

I nod but pause. “As well as the rest of you? Even Dash and Rarity?”

Apple Bloom shifts a hoof a bit. “Well, I haven’t told her anypony else is comin’, but that’s what I was gonna do.”

“Wanna come with us?” Sweetie asks, Scootaloo hopping on the idea. “Yeah! That’d be cool! I get to go camping with Rainbow Dash and Anthony! Say yes!”

Well, that came out of nowhere... uh, well... Camping? I mean... hiking, and bugs, and sleeping on dirt. Maybe I should just let them- Participate. Oh, yeah, I should do that I suppose. Eh, I guess if it’s them it wouldn’t be that bad. “Sure, I’ll come along. I... don’t have a sleeping bag or a tent though. How would I-”

“You could sleep with Rarity and me!” Sweetie Belle offers. “Rarity’s got a big fancy tent, she loves camping!”

Considering Rarity dislikes dirt and bugs far more than I do, I doubt that, but Rarity’s surprised me before so... “Well, if she thinks it’s okay, then I guess I can do that.”

Scootlaoo yells where we’ll meet up to hike there and they all dash off. I notice that Noi isn’t around... Maybe her family already had plans. I shrug and decide I should know where I’m going. I get back to the library and I realize how glad I am I tidied my room, as I quickly find that atlas Twi got me. It’s hefty. Okay... Winsome Falls... Winsome Falls... There’s gotta be an index or something. Man, as convenient as this thing is, the fact that books lack a Ctrl+F feature makes it a lot more tedious. If I ever figure out how to get my hands on a laptop or something, and a scanner, I’m digitizing this big fucking thing.

After a bit more looking I find the region of Equestria I’m looking for and... oh, that’s not too far. Enough to be called ‘Away from it all’ but not that bad of a hike.

I get over to Twilight’s room and knock on the open door to get her attention. “Oh, hello. Did you need something?”

“I’m going out camping at Winsome Falls for... some currently unspecified number of nights. Not sure when I’ll be back. Figured I’d let you know where to look for my corpse if anything happens.”

Twilight rolls her eyes. “You’re so morbid, Anthony... but at least forward-thinking. Anyways, have a good time. I don’t have much planned for the next few days so I should be around when you get back.”

“If I get back.” I correct.

“It’s just camping right?” Twilight switches her tail in frustration... and that makes me notice that I’m now understanding pony body language. Geez, that’s weird. “What could go that wrong?”

“I’m going with three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Rainbow Dash.” I clarify, and Twilight pauses.

“Okay, I suppose I’ll... know where to look for a body if need be. Actually, I could go as well if you need another chaperone.”

I wave it off. “Nah, AJ and Rarity are coming with their sisters. Between all of us there should be enough responsibility to constitute at least one proper adult.”

Twilight chuckles. “Alright, fair enough. Have a good time.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Speaking with you is always so interesting.” Twilight sighs.

I wink. “If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be taking time off that book Celestia sent you to work on depuzzling my psyche.”

“I’m not putting it off!” Twilight defends loudly. “I’m doing them both! I am fully capable of multitasking my research. Though speaking of your psychology, I’m wanting to try a few things with you, when you get back from camping.”

“Twilight, please.” I raise my arms in a placating gesture. “I insist you buy me dinner, first. I won’t be going about experimenting with a woman who doesn’t appreciate me!”

Twilight deadpans. “You’ll turn anything into a potentially-raunchy suggestion, won’t you?”

“It’s the only way you’re fun to talk to!” I declare. “Anyways, I’ll see you later.”

I leave and I’m passing the kitchen and it smells like... “Spike, if you’re trying to recreate my sandwiches, you’ll need-”

“No hints! I’m gonna figure it out!” Spike insists loudly in response.

“Dude, chill, it’s a sandwich.” I call back. “It’s good, sure, but it’s a sandwich.”

“It’s better than mine, so I wanna figure out how you did it, and I’m gonna.” Spike announces.

“Sure you will. Anyways, I’m peacing out, see you in whenever.” I leave the library, and begin heading for where we were all gonna meet up.

A bit of a walk later I find the meetup spot... marked by the large cart of cases that can only belong to Rarity, noticeable even from a slight distance. It’s even bigger than I thought when I get close. Guess she really might have a big enough tent for herself, Sweetie and I. “Sheesh, Rarity. Did you remember to pack?”

I hear Applejack chuckle. “That’s what Ah sai-” then she notices me, as does Rarity, and things go silent.

One of the kids coughs and I take that as a cue. “I’m guessing nobody said I was invited as well.”

“Nope.” Is all Applejack says, looking a touch unenthused.

I notice we’re missing someone. “Did Rainbow Dash cancel?”

“N- No! She’s coming!” Scootaloo insists. “She’ll just meet us later.”

“Well, assuming my being present without forewarning isn’t a particular problem with anyone... I’m still included?” I direct my question at Applejack since she’s the most likely to decline.

She sighs but nods. “Ya can come, long as ya don’t start any trouble.”

“As if I’m the only one who starts trouble around here.” I point out. “But thanks for letting me come.”

“Yeah, well at least there’s plenty a’ room in the great outdoors fer all of us.” AJ says shortly. “Alright gang, let’s get movin’.”

Sweetie Belle trails behind us carrying all of Rarity’s shit. Uphill. Sweetie doesn’t seem that bothered, but she does look a bit strained. I slow down to keep her company. “So... you don’t mind?”

“Don’t uh... mind what?” The reply is so innocent as if she had some idea of what I meant but wasn’t really bothered.

“Carrying Rarity’s stuff. She’s got you hooked up to a cart...” I decide to point out the obvious just in case. “She isn’t helping, either.”

“Well, uh, she, uh... there’s only room for one pony to pull it, and it’s not like she can do it all on her own.” Sweetie defends. Man, this girl loves her sister...

“Really? She can’t? How much does all that stuff weigh? I heard that she was able to get from one end of Ponyville to another with a boulder on her back.” I quirk an eyebrow.

Rarity suddenly turns to look back at me. “Exactly where did you hear that?”

I shrug. “I don’t remember. But I heard it. Figured it was true, considering...”

“Considering what?” Rarity asks, tersely.

“Considering I figure that, even without any confirmation or details, it’d be a nice way to distract you from complaining about how long it’s taking us to get to the campsite.” I grin.

“Well, I’m sorry if I don’t actually know how far it is!” Rarity defends herself once again.

“Pfft, I looked it up before I left.” I raise my voice to call ahead to Applejack. “First stop is just up here, yeah?”

“Yep, we’re here.” AJreplies, sounding a bit less upset about having me around. “Oh, and there’s Rainbow Dash.” She gestures to the rainbow streak in the sky above the clearing of trees.

I have to admit, place doesn't look half bad. Plenty of green, but the ground actually looks pretty flat and there’s a little stream of light blue water. Just being nearish to it is fairly cooling after the trek up here. I broke a sweat for sure, but of course as always, it’s mostly my back.

I hear the sound of logs breaking and I see Dash flying-kick her way through standing trees, dive into the stream and come up with a bunch of rocks. She basically builds our campsite in a few moments. I’ll admit, I’m impressed. But man, that was way over-the-top. Guess for her, a day that she doesn’t showboat is a day wasted.

Scootaloo looks pretty starstruck though and walks up and- damn, that’s the most spectacular display of tripping and hurting oneself I’ve seen. It’s like watching a Vine in real life. She... looks like she hit her head pretty hard, but she’s acting like she didn’t just smash the back of her head into the dirt while spinning through the air.

She actually looks somewhat okay at the very least but... she’s trying way too hard to be cool for her idol. Eh, she’ll grow out of it eventually, I’m sure.

“What took you guys so long?” Dash asks. “Oh, hey Anthony. Didn’t know you were coming.”

I shrug. “I’m better as a surprise. As for all of us taking so long... well, I gues I just have to wionder how slow you’d be in comparison if you couldn’t fly around like a spastic bird.”

“Hey, I can-” Dash pauses. “Nope. I’m not doing that again. Last time I bet I could do anything without wings, it was so lame...”

“Anyways.” Applejack changes the subject, but I swear I can see a tiny grin on her face. “Let’s get set up.”

The simple tents are easily set up, and I pitch in because... why not, I guess. Better than sitting around. Then... Rarity unpacks this massive fucking behemoth that’s like a yurt. With two stories. And really fucking fancy. And so purple.

“You’ve got to be kidding me...” Rainbow Dash says, staring at the absurdly fancy ‘tent’.

I give Dash a nudge and a wink, then announce loudly. “Well, gee. It sure looks like I’ll be rooming with Rarity and Sweetie Belle, then!”

“What!?” I hear Rarity start. “Why in Equestria do you-”

“Well, I mean... look at their tents.” I say, pointing at the sensible, reasonably-scaled setups that Applejack and Rainbow have, and begin doing my impression of Rarity. “They’re so tiny compared to me. I could barely fit my upper half in one of them. You can’t possibly expect me to shove them aside to make space for myself, and you certainly can’t expect me to sleep on the dirt, especially if it rains. Not when you have oh so much room in that wondrous domicile of yours.” I give her my best shit-eating-grin.

Rarity sighs from the second floor balcony of her yurt-thing and then takes a moment to sigh a second time. “Very well... but only if you do not interrupt my beauty sleep.”

“I’ll do my best not to.” I grin. “After all, beauty sleep is something you desperately need.”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash begin snickering and Rarity gives me a dirty look but says nothing to me, instead turning to her sister. “Sweetie Belle, be a dear and gather some flowers for my bedside vase...” and she just hops to it. Guess Sweetie really doesn’t mind accommodating her sister so much, she looks happy to go off and pick flowers for a bedside vase that goes inside a motherfucking tent.

Rainbow Dash starts doing her own Rarity impression in asking Scoots to get us some firewood and we all have another good chuckle. After we’ve got ourselves set, Applejack gets the fire started and I hear Dash call out. “Alright, now that we’re all ready, we can get on to me telling the best story you ever heard!”

Scootlaoo hops up from the log she’s seated on. “Oh, is it the one about the time Rarity got magical wings, then they got ruined, and you saved her from plummeting to her doom!?”

Rarity blushes and Rainbow pauses. “Oookay, maybe it’s the second-best story you ever heard. But probably still the scariest.”

I chuckle. “Oh yes, let’s have Rainbow Dash tell us a scary story. Gee, I wonder what she’d think is scary? How about a time she lost at anything. That sounds like something that would scare her.”

“Hey, it’s actually scary!” Rainbow insists. “You like scary stories, right?”

Once we’re all together and it’s properly dark with campfire shadows dancing everywhere, I sit back and listen to her ‘scary story’. She’s not bad at the theatrics of storyelling, I’ll admit. Her inflections are decent and she’s making good use of the atmosphere... but it’s so cliche, Anansi would have a stroke. Happened on a night just like this one, in woods very similar to the one we’re in... And it’s just the stupid “rusty-hook” story with the finisher being one of the others here.

Obviously, Dash picks Scootaloo as the ‘You!’ and Scoots starts trying way too hard to not act like she’s scared. Kinda cute, really. Dash praises the kid, so good on her but then Dash starts boasting about how fearless she is and I have to laugh.

“Pfft, that’s not scary.” I comment. “It’s easy to say you’re fearless when you’ve never actually heard a real scary story.”

“Well, I think we should hit the straw.” Applejack says, Applebloom latched onto her big sister like a barnacle, clearly terrified of the story, Rarity comforting Sweetie Belle herself.

“Next time, I’m telling the scary story.” I announce. “Prepare to be shooketh, Dashie.”

“Pfft, you can’t scare me.” Dash replies casually.

“O- or me!” Scootaloo adds, a waver in her voice fairly noteworthy, to me at least. Rainbow Dash gives Scoots a bit more praise, once again using herself as an example. I watch Dash dump a pail of water on the fire and head for her tent. I pause and wait a moment. Then another. I have to sigh. That pony knows as much about campfire safety as she does about scary stories. I go over and smother the fire with dirt and such, making sure it won’t heat back up again before I join Rarity and Sweetie Belle in their tent.

“Well, that was certainly interesting. It’ll be nice to get some sleep.” Rarity says, laying down. I get a small mat on the floor of the tent and get ready to lay down myself. “Ah, Anthony, what are you doing?”

“I’m getting ready for bed, what’s it look like?”

“Like you’re... taking off your clothes.” She pauses and whispers harshly to me. “With my little sister right here!”

“Chill out, I’m not taking off my underwear. Besides, let’s see how comfortably you sleep with clothes on.” I point out that she’s taken off all of her ‘hiking’ outfit. I strip down to my boxers and lay down, my clothes set off to the side before whispering back “Further, I’ll have you know, your implied accusations of my potential relationship with Sweetie Belle are disgusting and insulting.”

“Can we just go to sleep?” Sweetie yawns from the other end of the tent. “I’m tired from pulling that cart all the way here.”

“Yes, you’ve certainly earned some rest.” Rarity replies softly, eyeing me as I lay down facing away from either of them. “Rather safe than sorry, is all.” I know that last part was said to me, and I can hear a bit of apology in her voice so I let it pass.

Next morning and we’re off for the next campsite. Everything is packed up fairly quickly since apparently Rarity’s tent, as extravagant as it is, is basically two poles away from completely collapsing... which given how portable that makes it for its size, is actually not that big of a design flaw. Yet again, Sweetie is trailing behind a bit carrying Rarity’s things. This time she’s also pushing Rarity herself on some sort of tiny lounge with wheels. I’m actually rather surprised at how diligent and strong Sweetie Belle is. Rarity flips out over how she might be sweating and at least thanks her sister. I guess it’s just a weird relationship they have.

I offer my two cents. “Yes, and it looks like Sweetie’s breaking a sweat herself.” I lean down to the filly. “You mind if I help out? I certainly wouldn’t mind taking Rarity along for a nice brisk drag.”

Rarity frowns distastefully at me, but Sweetie Belle assures me that she’s fine. She’s a trooper, I’ll give her that. Honestly, she’s doing more weight-pulling than Applejack or Apple Bloom. Not that those two brought enough to warrant impressive weight-pulling.

Applejack urges us to get moving before it’s dark and Scootaloo rushes from behind me on her scooter saying she’ll scout out ahead. Was she... always back there? Huh...

We continue on ourselves and just as I’m starting to get a little annoyed at Rarity’s advice on how important it is to bring certain amenities anywhere you go, Scootaloo calls from a bush off the path saying that the path is a lot clearer. Wait... didn’t she go ahead? How is she beside us... guess wherever she went was just some loop-around.

After a bit, AJ stops to have a chat with Scootaloo about something I can’t hear, something about exercise... Scootaloo does seem more active than yesterday. She rushes up to Rarity and I and asks if we want any help. Well, she offered, so Sweetie trades her spot on the cart for a break. Sweetie Belle looks a bit relieved, but Scootaloo seems to be having a much harder time moving it.

Then again, I guess it makes sense. If her preferred method of mobility is a scooter, then she doesn’t build as many leg muscles during her general commuting about, and I’ve seen Sweetie walk everywhere. Guess it makes sense Sweetie Belle has stronger legs... I wonder what a tier list for the CMC would even look like. Either way, I hang back with Scoots for a bit.

“You doing okay, kid?”

“Uh? Oh, errrr, n- never better! No problems at all!” Scoots assures me, even as she strains.

I shrug. “Alright, if you say so...” I’m a bit worried about her but if she’s not willing to talk about whatever’s eating her... then it’s not my business to push her.

Well, it’s dark before we find another proper clearing, and AJ points out a cave, saying we should sleep there instead of needing tents. RD is excited, and she says how perfect the cave is for the story she had tonight.

I roll my eyes. “Tch, you couldn’t scare a hypochondriac into thinking they have the plague.”

Dash huffs. “Fine... let’s get the campfire set up and then you can tell your lame story.”

Scootaloo is sent out to get wood again, but even I know a kid shouldn’t be wandering the woods late at night. Dunno what’s out there for sure, but I think I saw the atlas say something about bears. I should make sure there’s at least one adult around keeping an eye on her, so I follow along to help.

I help out and we gather plenty of kindling, mostly sticks and twigs and branches. No proper logs just laying about, and Scootaloo sounds really eager to be done as fast as possible. Maybe prodding her a bit more will get her to talk. “You sure you’re doin’ alright, Scootaloo?”

“Oh, s- sure! Just can’t wait to uh... hear another story. Is yours.... Really uh, really gonna be scarier than Rainbow Dash’s?”

I smirk. “Oh heck yeah. I got some stuff that's so scary, it frightened me as a kid even just to tell it.”

“Oh! Uh... w- well you won’t have that problem with me! I’m not scared of anything!”

I nod. “Sure... but if you do get scared, I have to warn you...” I eye her carefully and she gulps nervously. “If you really can’t handle it after all, just tell me. Folks told me not to worry because it’s just a story and all, but assuaging fear isn’t as simple as rationalizing it as a story. If you need a buddy, you let me know.”

“I- I won’t need a buddy at all! I’m tough!”

“Courage isn’t about not being afraid of anything, it’s being capable even though you are scared.” I state and we get on with making our way back with our firewood. Applejack lights it up and we all get seated outside the cave.

The moment we’re all sat down, Rainbow Dash starts up. “Alright, now let’s keep going where I left off.”

“Hey, I was gonna tell the next scary story.” I say.

“Yeah, the next one. I’m not finished with mine, I didn’t even get to the scary part.” Rainbow Dash insists and I sigh, rolling my hand in a gesture for her to continue. Dash begins cackling and Scootaloo hops up and offers to tell her own story. Since Dash isn’t nearly as competitive with Scoots as she is with me, Scoots is allowed her story.

She gives a little blurb about her setting being all nice and happy and stuff but doesn’t go anywhere. Nobody is all that enthused and Rainbow Dash interrupts her. I go to defend her, though. “Hey, come on. Not everyone’s good at telling stories. Besides, nobody said it had to be a scary story. Even if it is scary, a nice happy buildup can lead to a more impactful scare but... I guess if Rainbow Dash is so bored by proper pacing in storytelling...”

Dash pouts at me. “Okay, fine. You know so much about scary stories, why don’t you tell one?”

I shrug. “That’s all I’ve asked for this whole trip.” and I grin, adopting a softer voice and a bit of a narrative flair to my speech. “Alright everyone, sit and listen. For I am about to tell you a story. A poem of sorts, rather. A poem I call... The Creak.”

I move to grab some of the kindling we haven’t used. The sticks are dead and dry and are perfect for my effects, which I plan to use alongside my shoes and my own voice.

“Wait, the creek?” Apple Bloom asks. “As in a river?”

I give her a small smile. “No, my dear. Not a river...” I shift part of the wood against another one as well as my shoe in a specific way that sounds not unlike floorboards. I begin with that exact noise repeated.

[]
Creak A sound, faint, distant, but still heard.

Crack Something snapping, or being trampled on.

Whoosh ‘Was that the wind?’

The man stands up and peeks out the window. A clear night is all he sees, the full moon brilliant in the sky. Laughing at his nervousness, he returns to his book.

Creak The man now silently chuckles at the sound.

Crack How could he have been scared of some sounds?

Whoosh ‘Must be breezy out tonight.’

Thump …did that come from within the house?

The man stares into the fire, trying to calm his jangled nerves.

[]
I make a gesture with my arms, encouraging everyone to do the same with the campfire.
[]

Creak …

Crack ...

Whoosh …will the sounds never cease?

Thump…Thump…Thump…

Closer, he thinks, the sounds are getting closer. He shuts the book and closes his eyes, and thinks of something besides his wild imagination.

Creak

Thump

Crack

Thump

Whoosh

[]
Now I begin to narrate properly, but quietly, as I make the noises with my simple instruments.
[]

Thump …Thump …Thump …a pause? The man moves quietly, slowly, towards the door with a nervous gait. Thump …a step back…Thump …yes, it’s getting closer. Thump…he stares at the door, trying to somehow see through it…Thump ...he reaches slowly for the doorknob, hand shaking, no longer able to take not knowing…Creak, a loose floorboard, near the door outside…Thump, he slowly opens the door...

[]
I grin and simply say the word now, yelling loudly and gesturing wildly and suddenly. “A scream!”

Everybody jumps at least a bit, some more than others. I grin wider and lean back, making no noise but one more word, a barely audible whisper. “...Silence...”

I let the tension of the noiselessness hover in the air for a good long minute to let it sink in, the little fillies are shaking.

“W- W- What happened?” Apple Bloom asks. “What... happened to the man?”

I nod at their receptiveness, but don’t acknowledge the question. “Well, that’s the story.”

“What happens next, though?” Sweetie Belle asks, and even the adults are leaning in a bit.

“What happened to him? What happens after?” I shrug from my sitting position and reply slowly and precisely. “Those are some very... very... good... questions.” I stand up from my seat by the fire as quietly as possible, and I see everyone at varying degrees of fear, nobody is sitting completely still. You wanna scare someone absolutely shitless, make them terrified of every single tiny noise they’ll hear for the rest of the camping trip... and Rainbow was trying to scare me with a hook story... pathetic. I stretch and break my constructed silence yet again. “Anyways. Sleep well, all!”

Scootaloo jumps up. “It’s not time for bed yet, is it?”

Applejack chuckles, though a bit nervously. “‘Fraid so, Scootaloo.”

I watch Scoots stumble on her words. “But, uh, we haven’t even sung any campfire songs!”

Yeah, she’s totally rattled, doing whatever she can to not have to sleep. You’d have to be thick to not notice it at this point.

Sweetie Belle quickly recovers her senses though and brightens up considerably at the suggestion of singing. She then gets up on a rock and begins singing a rendition of nintey-nine bottles of beer on the wall, but with buckets of oats.

All the adults look far more unenthused by this than my story, but Scotaloo looks pretty perky, and I have to agree, watching adults get upset is always a gas.

Sweetie Belle trips up every now and then, but eventually winds down to one bucket of oats left and then to zero, now as loud as possible and waking up everyone who’d passed out from the repetition. She looks super proud of herself, but I myself am not done yet. “Well gee, Sweetie Belle, why’d you stop singing?” I ask.

“Well... I uh... There aren’t any more buckets of oats. You can’t have less than zero.”

I nod and say “You’re absolutely right, but there’s still something you can do, though.”

“What’s that?” Sweetie looks at me confused, and I begin singing myself.

“Zero buckets of oats on the wall, zero buckets of oats...” She looks at me really curiously, wondering where I’m going with it and I continue extra slowly. “You go to the store... you buy some more... one thousand buckets of oats on the wall...”

“Nnnope!” Applejack announces loudly. “We’re going to bed now.”

“Alright, fine.” I say getting up and heading for the cave.

Scootaloo is now clearly showing how scared she is to go to sleep, urging others to participate in any non-sleeping activity that comes to her mind. I originally planned on making that ‘Thump’ noise one more time to scare everyone again before they all tucked in but... for her sake, I’ll pass. I should probably do something about it, but... honestly, I think it’s best for her to learn that it’s okay to tell people you’re scared first, and I can’t just shove more inspirational garbage down her throat, because then she doesn’t learn any lessons from it. Ah well.

Next morning we’re off again and it’s a really short walk to our ultimate goal. I gawk at the sight. “Is that... is that a river... made of rainbow? Falling from the sky!?”

And everyone around is too busy with some footrace to explain why there is liquid rainbow streaming from the motherfucking clouds!

Sometimes, even though I talk with pastel horses on a daily basis, I forget I’m living in some nonsensical, back-ass-wards fantasy world. Seriously... nobody is explaining this naturally occurring rainbow water from the sky. Rain... bow? Is... Oh fuck’s sake, even the natural environment is a damned pun!

Well, the day is spent with me having a fairly good time with everyone, and Scootaloo looks a lot more relaxed. Guess she got over her problem overnight. Works for me, I suppose. Though we’ve also got to get back home, and that’s a trek in itself. Everybody’s winding down and it’s not even getting dark out, though the sun is starting to set. I figure now’s a good time as any to clear some air. “Hey Applejack, can I chat with you for a bit?”

She quirks an eyebrow. “What for?”

“Nothing big. C’mon. Walk with me, talk with me.” I insist and she agrees, since there isn’t much for her to do at the moment. We get a good distance away from the campsite and have a good view of the wilderness around us from the hill we’re on. I figure this is a good spot, nobody else to listen in. I lean against a tree to show I’m done moving. “You don’t like me.”

Applejack looks out over the view and furrows her brow in a stern manner. “Nope.”

“That confuses me. It really does. Why do you hate me?”

“Well, I ah, I wouldn’t say hate but... I don’t like you. I just don’t.” Applejack replies, and it’s good that we can both talk about this seriously rather than dancing around the issue.

“Everyone else seems to like me, save for a small handful which you’re a part of, and it honestly confuses me.” I say staring out at the landscape, making it clear that at the very least we don’t have to be making eye contact during all this.

She snorts. “That’s a problem? Ah’m jus’ s’posed ta like you fer no reason? I always thought you at least had less of an ego than Rainbow Dash but this is-”

“You’re misunderstanding.” I clarify sternly. “I don’t care that folks don’t like me. My problem is... I don’t know why you particularly don’t like me. I’ve given so many reasons for others to completely despise me, but they don’t. For some reason, and each of them seem to have a different one, they don’t have the urge to take me out to the pasture and ‘fix me up’. You’re different. You don’t take my shit, and I can understand that. My shit isn’t something that needs to be taken. But at the same time... you didn’t really like me at all from the get-go.”

She pauses. “...you could tell, huh?”

“You’re bad at hiding your thoughts. I could see it on your face from day one.” I note.

“Well, I don’t trust ya. That’s the short of it.”

“And you shouldn’t. Again, nobody really should or has much reason to. I’m fucked up. I’m awful. I’m...”

“Yer bad.” Applejack continues. “Maybe not... not that bad, really, but I still don’t like ya.”

I give a small laugh, just a short exhalation really, and stare back out at the landscape growing orange. “Not that bad, she says.” I exhale again. “Not that bad. How do you figure that? Maybe you are the right person to ask this. Why do you think I’m bad, but not all bad?”

“Ah just... I get a bad feelin’ from ya. A lot. Yer a liar, since the day you showed up. Nopony else notices, and ya even admit to lyin’ but ya do it anyways and I just can’t trust someone like that. Someone who’s done bad things, knows it were bad, and still does ‘em. It won’t sit right with me. And then ya got Ponyville fallin’ head over hooves for ya.” She sighs. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m mighty grateful for you helpin’. You’ve done a lot for plenty of us, and even the whole town twice.”

I hang my head. “Of course. Even my greatest detractor thinks highly of that.”

“...Whaddya mean by that?” She looks genuinely confused.

“Everyone hates me for reasons they shouldn’t, and also like me for reasons they shouldn’t.”

“Quit talkin’ in circles, dangit!” AJ replies earnestly.

“I have blood on my hands, Applejack.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “Huh?”

“I’ve killed people. Those monsters... they’re demons. Not regular monsters... but demons from my world. After everything I’ve learned about them... they were people once. My people. Human. Then they turn into those things and go fucking crazy. I haven’t figured out how, I guess I could ask Myrna since she might know, but what she’s told me already... it’s enough. I’ve murdered my own kind.”

“I... I ah..”

“But no, every single pony in town looks at that and they’re like ‘wow, there’s the guy who saved my town, and my sister, and my everything.’ I turned another person into chunks of meat... I punched my way through his skull. The next one, I explode a tree on him or some shit. I killed them. Brutally. Mercilessly. I’m a murderer. No two ways about it. And you...” I laugh fully at the absurdity. “You hate me because I’m a liar. Because something about me kinda irks you.” I look back out at the wide, orange-red expanse ahead of me. “If only that was the main reason to want my head on a spike.”

“Ah don’t want that!” AJ insists quickly. “But Ah... Ah guess you’re right. That is a lot worse.” She hangs her head. “Now I feel all petty for... sorry. I guess I just didn’t think you... saw it that way.”

“Nobody does. Nobody but me. Oh, and let’s not forget queen Chrysalis. Sure, just like the monsters she was a bad egg but come on, she clearly wasn’t some mindless beast either. She was bad, but she was a real living, thinking person anyways. Even if you discount the demons because ‘well, they’re just monsters, who cares’ you can’t say that about her. I stomped her. I got angry enough that I burned her horn off and turned her into paste. But... everybody forgets that. They all hate me because I’m annoying, or impatient or whatever. And the folks that do like me... heck, your little sister and her firends idolize me but even that doesn’t faze your disapproval... but you’re disapproving the wrong fucking things.”

It’s silent for a long time, but Applejack responds. “I guess I... I always assumed you just didn’t think that much about anything ya did. Didn’t know you were carryin’ all that around with you.”

I shrug. “Honestly, you’re not supposed to. Nobody is. That’s the big lie I tell, the one you smell on me, even when you first met me. Don’t let anyone know who I truly am. They’ll hate me. I can’t let anyone know, so I lie. I put on a face and let them see that instead of me. And now... I have to do that more than ever. I never killed anyone before Chrysalis, and it didn’t really faze me at the time. But now that I’m... getting it, I have to try even harder. I’m fucked up, I’m awful, I’m... repugnant. But I can’t let anyone see that. I’m a liar, a cheat, a thief, a total piece of shit... and now a killer. If anyone knew how bad I really was... what the hell would happen? They’d want me gone for sure.”

“Well... I know all of that, at least now I do. But I don’t really want you gone.” Applejack starts.

“Don’t pity me.” I insist harshly. “Don’t ever pity me. I made this bed, I’ll lie in it, it’s my problem. They’re all my problems. Nobody needs to deal with them, or try to help me.”

“Hold on there. I’m not pitying you. I feel a mite bad for you now, but there’s a lot more to making me rethink my feelin’s than a sob story.” Applejack replies, firmly gritting her teeth, but I see her visibly soften. “But... you’re right. I guess I have been angry at ya fer a long time and... yeah, the reasons one might hate ya, iffin they knew, makes me feel kinda petty.”

“You wonder why Apple Bloom, or Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash or anyone else likes me. Well, I wonder about that too, but the truth is that it’s because they don’t know why they should hate me. They don’t realize how much I’m trying to hide. But you do. You always saw it, even if you didn’t know what ‘it’ was. So I figured... huh, why don’t I talk with her? Why don’t I talk to the one who already dislikes me, so I’d have an idea of... how much more they might want me out of the picture.”

“Hey, don’t... don’t beat yourself up like that. Okay, yer not that great a guy. Fine, nopony’s perfect and yeah you rub me the wrong way but... Ah really don’t think everypony would suddenly hate you jus’ cuz they find out you have some scary skeletons in yer closet.” She sighs. “I know for a fact that at least Pinkie Pie would still like you.”

“Pinkie Pie likes everyone.” I remind her.

“Pinkie Pie loves you. That kinda thing don’t just go away. No matter how many times I see you nearly breakin’ her heart. You mess around with her so much. You mess around with all of us. And you want me to be perfectly honest? I do dislike you for that more than whoever ya might have killed. Because the way I see it, it doesn’t matter to me what happens to them monsters or that crazy bug queen. I care about how ya treat my friends. Yeah, right now it does seem small in the big picture... but to me that is the big picture.” She takes a deep breath. “Ah’m sorry that Ah thought ya didn’t care one wit about who ya hurt, that was some bad judgement. But everything else? Shoot, you got a lot to make up fer, and I don’t think you ever will. I appreciate you thinkin’ so highly of me as to trust me with all this, but I don’t know what to do with it. Maybe I have been a bit harsher on ya than was really necessary... but that's not gonna make everything I shouldn’t like you for any better.”

“I don’t need you to like me.” I say simply. “I just... I want you to hate me for the right reasons rather than some made-up scenarios about how I don’t think at all about what I say or do.”

“Ah don’t hate ya.” She repeats. “But if it makes ya feel any better... I respect you for layin’ all this out. You aren’t dishonest for the reason most folks are and I don’t rightly know how to feel about that, and maybe you aren’t really that bad of an influence on mah family as I thought you were. Heck, I’m the only one in my family that don’t like ya.”

“Yeah, Granny made me a sweater for when the cold season starts. I really wasn’t expecting that.”

“That, and ‘Bloom’s always talked about what she’s doin’ with her friends, and now she’s started on talkin’ about you in the same way. You’re comin’ by their clubhouse, you’re going with them on their missions or whatever. You’re helping out at the school. Drove me crazy wonderin’ if maybe I was the only one who didn’t like you. Felt like... like you were turning everypony I knew to your side.”

“I’m not. At least, if I am it’s not intended.” I clarify. “I just... I want people to like me. But... if I want them to like me, I can’t let them know why they shouldn’t. But if I act perfect, that’s too weird. So I’m a jerk, I’m a liar, I’m a wild thing... because if they all think that’s the reason they don’t like me, then they don’t wonder about what’s truly awful about me. From there, if nobody’s looking then nobody will find out.”

Applejack sighs and I notice the sun dipping even lower. “Well... Ah can’t say that Ah think any better of you, because you’re clearly not sorry for the bad ways you act, you just said it was on purpose. Ah can’t let that go... but I guess it’d be bad of me ta not thank ya fer bein’ so honest with me. Yer in a dark place, one Ah don’t have time or mind to think about, so if ya want help you’ll have to look elsewhere.”

“Yeah. Don’t expect me to change. Just... Idunno, I just needed somebody to listen and... understand better.”

“Problem is... I don’t understand. Why make up all this stuff and spin yerself around in circles? You seem smart, Twilight thinks so and if she says yer smart, then by golly ya must be pretty smart. But then ya do stupid things like bunch up all your problems inta this crazy cobweb-thing that you have to hide from all of us because you don’t want nopony’s help with. I just can’t understand it at all.”

“We should head back...” I say. “It’s getting late, they’re probably ready for us to be back by now.”

“Yeah.” She agrees and we walk back in silence.

It... does feel good to finally talk about this, though. I never found anyone I could tell how murderous I felt, even if I didn’t patch anything up, but at least I got it off my chest. That, and Applejack’s a pretty bad liar and will spill beans with only minor prodding. Maybe this is how I can get the word out without standing on a rooftop screaming about my sins. All anyone would have to do now is ask her if they knew what was truly wrong with me and she’ll handle the rest whether she wants to or not.

Ah well... I got to go out and do something, I participated like I was supposed to, and I even got to scare the bejezzums out of everybody, if only for a night. And... even if Applejack still won’t like me any better, at least I got to talk about what scares me so... there’s that.

I’m ready to go back to Ponyville.

Jump to top

Chapter 59

I sit down on my bed for the twentieth time in the last minute. I’m just so damned restless lately. Or rather... I’ve returned to ‘normal’. I almost forgot how hard it can be for me to sit down or even sleep. Looking back, I’m shocked at how many nights I actually have slept. Or remembered my dreams. Whatever fixed that seems to have gone away. I need to fill time or kill it somehow. I grasp my temple as I stand up again, only to slump back down. If I can’t sit still to save my life, why can’t I come up with something to do? It’s like I have insomnia in the daytime as well. Feel like a tsunami frozen in place. I need everything to slow the fuck down! Just... shut up. Shut it all down. Time... need to... fill it up. I have a hard time keeping my hands from clenching and unclenching over and over. I’m spazzing the fuck out, but where can I put all of this?

I need to not be here. I force myself up and down to the library floor. It really does feel like I need to force myself. Need to-

“Anthony? Anthony, are you alright?”

And there’s my train of thought leaving without me. “What’s wrong, Sparkle?” I groan.

“You’re taking those steps pretty hard, and you don’t look so good.” Twilight looks at me a bit worried.

“I’m spinning my wheels and it’s driving me crazy.” I exhale, raising another hand to my forehead. “Need to... expend. Somehow. I gotta-”

“Woah, hey. Slow down. Breathe.” Twilight says, coming over and walking me to the center table. “You haven’t left the library in almost a week, maybe you just need some fresh air.”

“Window’s been open for the past four days. Barely close it.” I inform.

She flicks her tail a bit. “I meant going outside. I know you don’t do well when you’re cooped up and all. Maybe go for a jog or something.”

I shake my head. Maybe a bit harder than I need to. “What does jogging get done? I tire myself out just to run in circles.”

“Well, maybe general energy-expenditure is what you need. And jogging is good for you anyways, exercise isn’t worthless at all.”

“I don’t...”

“Well, if you don’t want to exercise but you need to keep yourself occupied...” she sits down at the table herself. “Maybe you need some kind of schedule. A bit of regiment can do plenty of good.”

“Just need to kill time. Get something done.”

“Hey, are your hands alright? You’re flexing them a lot.” she's going to actually tick me off if she keeps stating the obvious.

Thoughts moving fast, hard to focus on words to say. “‘M fine, just need- dunno. Need something.”

“If you want to give yourself something to do on a regular basis, you could try getting a job. I know we talked about that before.”

“What job could I do?” I ask, and I admit I sound a bit more impatient than I need to.

Twilight walks off and comes back with a cup of water. “Here, let’s get you hydrated to start with. That could help calm you down.” I take the cup and it does feel good. I down it pretty fast, likely faster than is healthy, and put the cup back on the table. Don’t feel too much better but I at least have better control of my hands. “Now, about finding you a job...”

“Have to figure out what would fit. Everything around is for ponies. Nobody has anything built for me.”

Twilight thinks in silence for a bit, then nods. “Ponyville isn’t a big hub for different species, so we don’t really have many accommodations for non-equines. That... is a bit of a problem, I suppose. On the other hoof, that narrows down prospects fairly quickly, as far as indoor jobs. What do you like to do?”

“Not working in food services.” I note.

She fidgets a tad. “...okay, that doesn’t answer my question but narrows our choices down further. Let’s focus on things you can do. What do you feel comfortable doing?”

“I... I’ve done trainee work stocking shelves, that wasn’t bad. But most of your sales are handled by individual outdoor market stalls.”

“Oh!” She brightens up. “There are a few advanced-styled stores around Ponyville. Well, the only one that seems to get much business is Barnyard Bargains given their varied selection and selling non-perishable produce in bulk. Why don’t you try applying there?”

“Is it anything like Walgreens or Target?” Twilight blinks confusedly. “Right. Don’t have those... nevermind.” I sigh. “Okay, where is it? Not much to lose by trying.”

“Sure! I can walk you there. Though, perhaps we should wait for later. You still look a bit stressed. Let’s have you calm down, and we can see about writing up a copy of your resumé once you’re more composed, if you need assistance.” I give my most affirmative-sounding grunt in response. “Is there anything I could do to help?”

“Dunno.”

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what I need to do...”

“And I can’t tell you what I don’t know!” I snap.

“Maybe you need a nap, Anthony.” Twilight suggests gently. I shake my head, staring down at the table. “I was hoping to try out that spell on you today, but I don’t know if it would be very safe with you the way you are.”

I look up to stare her in the eye. “What spell, exactly?”

Twilight fidgets ever so slightly. “Oh, it’s uh... something I learned a bit ago. It had some interesting temporary psychological effects that I was hoping to test out on you. Firstly, it would tell me a few things about your personal mental state and likely help me understand you a bit better.”

“What does it do to me, Sparkle?” I grump harshly.

“I... I don’t know, honestly. I know what it’s supposed to do, to an extent, but for all I know it may not have that same effect on you. But regardless of what it does, I can guarantee that it will be very temporary.”

“So you’re going to try to read my mind or something.” I reply, already preparing to tell her off for even suggesting such a thing.

“Not at all. In fact from what I can tell, it won’t tell me anything. It would be more of... inducing an experience on you. It would be up to you whether you say what it was like or not. But as I said, I’d rather you be comfortable and relaxed during it. I have no idea what might happen if you’re as stressed as you are right now. I also won’t cast anything on you without you knowing I’m going to and I have your permission to do so.”

“Unless it’s gonna help me slow down my head, I don’t want anything you’d do to me.” I state firmly.

“Which I completely understand.” Twilight assures me. “As for helping you ‘slow down’ I don’t really know what sort of advice you want. If you don’t want to get any exercise or lay down, then I’m not really sure. Nothing’s coming to mind, really.”

“Got any melatonin?” I ask, not really expecting her to say she does.

“Melatonin...” She furrows her brow. “Like... the hormone?”

I pause but nod. “Kinda. I mean like... medicinally.” She blinks, looking mildly confused. “As in recreating the stuff chemically and I drink it. Or turn it into a tablet for me to take.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Drink... You just... ingest a recreation of the hormone?” She puts on her ‘thinking’ face. “I mean, I suppose that could work, but... Nopony’s ever tested anything like that before.”

“But you can do it?” I ask again.

She opens her mouth but pauses, and continues with a few more false starts. “Scientifically... yes, it’s absolutely possible to recreate a naturally-occurring hormone but... would it even work if simply ingested?”

Now I pause. “You... your chemists haven’t done anything like that before? You have penicillin er... ‘Flame-Mold’ but you’ve never done that?”

“Making ingestible supplements out of vitamins and such in general? Of course we have, on rare occasions for curiosity’s sake, but nopony’s ever done it specifically with melatonin that I’m aware of. I mean... somepony would have to have been curious enough to recreate it and then drink it simply to see if it did work by simple ingestion. You’re saying... it does?”

“I used that shit constantly.” I say. “Sometimes it was the only way to get me to stay asleep for more than five minutes.”

Twilight pauses and nods slowly, clearly thinking to herself more than responding to me. “Yes... I suppose if it works as you say then... well, I suppose it’s possible. I’d have to ask somepony who knows what the formula is, but depending on what it requires, I could give it a try...” She trails off but becomes more audible as she continues. “A sleep aid that simply introduces an extra dose of a naturally-created hormone, that’s actually rather clever.”

“If you can turn it into a tablet, that makes it even easier to pop before bed.” I note.

“Tablet?” Twilight cocks her head to the side. “I assume you don’t mean a slab of stone, given the context but...”

“Pill. Powderized form of it that gets compacted into a hard, dissolvable object. Ten milligrams of the stuff is enough to get me to bed on time... usually. Sometimes it takes a bit more.”

“...” Twilight stares at me like I said something deeply interesting. “Human sciences are so fascinating... But yes, that... I suppose all of that is technically possible...”

I resume my deadpan. “No ‘technically’ about it. We’ve done it. Pretty sure you guys could pull it off if you thought to try it.”

“We haven’t thought to try it as far as I’m aware though.” She says, breaking eye contact to think out loud. “It’s just... You’re suggesting that we take a hormone, chemically reproduce it, and then say that all one would have to do is drink it to get the same effect as it being naturally produced by one’s body. Usually it’s not as simple as that.”

“Well, if nobody’s tried it, that’s not exactly my fault, now is it?”

“I suppose that’s fair. I just... I guess it makes me wonder what else your species has developed that we’ve never thought was feasible enough to attempt.”

I shrug. “Seems to be the general reason you haven’t progressed anywhere close to what we have. Aside from the obvious second reason.”

“Second reason? What do you mean?”

“We don’t have magic to solve any problems. Either science can solve a problem, or it can’t. If science can’t solve it... we’re fucked. So we try our damndest to make science meet as many goals as possible, regardless of how silly a given hypothesis sounds. It lets us know what is and isn’t possible to accomplish as a species.”

“Well, it’s certainly educating either way. Also, I’ve noticed something else.” Twilight says, smiling at me.

“What’s that?”

Her smile becomes a grin. “You’re not nearly as irritable as you were earlier. My best guess is that you needed to be distracted from having nothing to do.” She’s right, I don’t feel horribly antsy. Not relaxed but... better all the same. “Anyways, I’ll make a note of your melatonin idea and then I can show you to Barnyard Bargains if you’re still interested in going today.”

“Eh, sure... whenever that is.” I say and slump a bit. Nope, not that much better.

Walking through town with Twilight and I notice we’re moving past and away from the usual market area, and we’re coming up to a building that looks somewhat out of place. Still has a bit of that Ponyville aesthetic but it’s got stone and wood for its primary structure and a bit square. It’s also fairly large and has plenty of windows. It doesn’t look as tall as something like a Target, but it’s definitely as tall as most of the two-story houses around here, so it’s an appreciable size.

Twilight leaves me here, saying she’s going to do some shopping. Apparently she’s low on ink and other such supplies. Guess this is all on me. Might as well get this done. I note that my hair is still rather shaggy, but considering everyone around has more hair in their manes than I have on my whole body, I doubt I’d comparably look ‘unkempt’. I take a breath to psyche myself up and I push the door open- waitasec. I... I didn’t have to duck. At all. The doorways are large enough for me, that’s a big plus. Walking in I see that the place is... it’s got the general atmosphere of a convenience store, shelves all about in rows and islands of various products, but it’s larger than a Seven-Eleven or a Circle-K by a lot. I also notice there’s plenty of space between my head and the ceiling. I stretch my arms out wide and upwards and... I don’t scrape against anything. Okay, interior size alone makes this place a huge plus already.

I look around and spot the cashier and begin making my way over. I check the shape of their snout and notice it’s a mare. Odd how that’s the defining visible gender difference... “Oh, hello there. Are you looking for something particular?” she greets.

I nod “Sort of. Is your boss around? I’d like to speak with them.”

The cashier blinks but nods. “Yes, of course. One moment.” she walks over to a pony which I assume is another employee who walks off while the cashier comes back. “You may have to wait a few moments, but we’ll make sure Mr. Rich knows that you’re here to see him, Anthony.”

Eh? How does she- alien celebrity... right... Ugh, I’m really not a fan of that, creeps me out. After a few minutes of waiting, out comes a light-brown stallion wearing a rather nice-looking plain red tie. He’s got a thick and dark slicked back mane. Looks almost gelled, but managed properly. Certainly well-to-do.

Figure I should show initiative, first thing’s first. “Hello sir. You’re Mr. Rich?”

The stallion looks up to meet my eyes. “Yes I am. Is there anything in particular you needed to see me for? I hope there haven't been any problems.”

I hold out my hand around hip-level and it takes him a brief moment before he catches on and meets me with his hoof for a handshake. “No problems, but I did want to see you, sir. I’m looking for a job, and a friend of mine suggested I apply here. You’re the manager?”

He pauses, then laughs. “Oh no, I’m the owner of this business.”

Really? Wait a sec... “Oh, geez. Sorry, I asked this cashier to see her boss, I figured she was going to get a manager.”

He has a good chuckle at that. “Hah, no worries at all. Racer would have likely taken you to me anyways once he knew you were applying. So tell me, what is one of Ponyville’s heroic figures doing asking for work? Or rather, what sort of position were you thinking of?”

I nod. “I’m wanting to earn some money on the regular, and monster-fighting doesn’t earn any wage, nor is it tax deductible.” He gets a big laugh out of that.

“Of course not, no.” He says, smiling. He’s a pretty nice guy. “Yes, the pursuit of reliable income is a good reason to want a job.”

“Anyways, what I was thinking was that since most of my work experience is rather... human-oriented, I doubt I have a resumé that anyone around might find particularly valuable, so I figured an entry-level job would fit for now. I can stock shelves, take inventory, that sort of thing.”

He nods in thought. “I could certainly use somepony for that. It’s a big store, but not many employees at the moment. I can certainly try you out, Anthony. So what sort of hours were you thinking? When are you available?”

I shrug. “I mean, I can pretty easily fit myself into a regular nine-to-five. Don’t have much of a defined schedule.”

“Nine-to-five? Well, depending on how many days a week you’d be working I’m not sure if I’d need you that much...” He puts a hoof to his chin.

“Hmmmm... if I can get Fridays and Saturdays as days off, I could probably work every other day of the week.”

“Actually, come with me, let’s talk this over in my office.” he says and I nod and let him lead. I’m taken upstairs and down a small hallway, but still tall enough for my head. “Your timing is a bit uncanny, actually. I’m not here all that often since I tend to work from home. I like to stay close to my family, but still need to keep an eye on how things are going at the store every now and then.”

He leads me into his office and it’s a nicely-sized room. He’s got a dark wooden desk with small stacks of notices and the like laid out in piles that only he likely knows the organization of, as well as a couple desktop photographs and a cigar box. He sits down and offers the seat in front of the desk, and I see that while it seems comfortable it doesn’t appear like it’d fit me properly... but I don’t wanna be rude. It’s a bit of an odd fit but it is well-cushioned at least. Once we’re both seated he continues. “As for Fridays and Saturdays off, that should be fairly easy. I’d like to try you out before we get a solid schedule set up of course, but I don’t see any particular reason you’d be poorly suited to working here. You are rather tall, but some of my workers have mentioned that the upper shelves can get difficult to manage very easily, so that may just be the perfect niche to fit you into. We’ll just have to see how you do.”

“Alright then, sounds good to me. I don’t know what sort of metric I could use to base my effectiveness on, but I’m willing to give it a shot.”

He smiles. “You’re honest about needing improvement. I like that, everypony’s always got new things to learn. So, as for giving you a training day, when’s the soonest you’d be open?”

I think for a sec and glance about in thought but return my gaze to him and shrug. “I’m here now.”

He nods with a big grin. “Hah, I like you already! Go-getters are always good to have on hoof. But I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to set anything up quite that soon. I’d need to give my employees a bit of an advance that they’ll need to watch and evaluate a newcomer. How about Thursday around ten? That way I can have your evaluation handled over your desired off-days and if we take you on, you can start the following Sunday.”

I nod. “That works well for me. Anything I should bring in particular?”

He thinks it over. “Well, normally no, but now that I think of it, there is a dress code policy. That is, a collar you’d wear so that customers can easily recognize an employee when they need assistance. But... you’d likely need to be specially fitted considering you’re different. That will probably cost a bit extra to have done.”

“If you can give me a sample of one of these collars, I know a couple someone’s I could show it to and either of them would be able to fit it for me. Though honestly a lone collar isn’t all that noticeable on me. Maybe have the design recreated as a shirt? That’d be more visible.”

“Yes, actually, that could work... now, the question is how much would that cost?” He puts a hoof to his chin in thought.

“I’m pretty sure I could cover that myself, sir.” I say, figuring neither Misty Dale nor Rarity, whoever I take it to, would charge an exorbitant amount for a job like that.

Rich raises an eyebrow. “Hm? Oh, yes... if you’d cover the cost... yes, that’s perfectly fine. Well Anthony, I don’t know yet if you’re a good fit for actually working here, but I must say, you’re the first pony- er person who’s ever come looking for a job without any demonstrable experience or references, but you’ve certainly made an impression. I hope you do well, because I can already say that at the very least, your attitude is one I greatly appreciate.”

I try not to visibly wince. Okay, he likes me a lot... I just have to make sure I’ve my good attitude whenever he’s around. I can’t lose all this progress from a bad day. Then again, I already figured I would have to fake being perfectly fine any time I come in to work regardless of folks liking me. “Well then Mr. Rich, I don’t particularly know what else I could ask at the moment. I mean, I could ask how much I’d be paid, but we don’t rightly know how many hours per week I’d be working so...”

“Very true... though I can at least tell you that pay is distributed weekly. So then, are there any other questions you have?”

I think on it. “I heard you sell things in bulk. I assume that’s things like corn or pet feed? How heavy do those bags get?”

“Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me. For those we have special carts designed for moving them, so it shouldn’t be that difficult, as heavy as they are. Anything else?”

“I can’t think of anything else right now. If I come up with anything, I suppose I can ask when I come in for being vetted.”

“Vetted?” He furrows his brow but it resolves. “Ah yes, Cliff Racer will be able to answer any work-related questions. I suppose we’re done here, then.” He holds his hoof out over his desk and I lean over to shake, though it’s a bit awkward given height difference and how difficult it is to move in this tiny chair. Thankfully, he doesn’t comment at all on it, though with my stretch I notice something about one of the photos standing on his desk, and it confuses me.

I stand up and before he can bid a goodbye I point at the picture. “That’s...” Crap, uh, her name was... oh yeah. “That’s Diamond Tiara?”

He quirks an eyebrow. “Hmmm? Oh yes, she’s my daughter. You know her?”

“Ah, she’s an acquaintance of some of the children I’m friends with.” I explain, deciding to leave the bullying aspect out of it. This isn’t the time or place at all for that discussion.

“Well how about that?” He grins. “Ponyville gets smaller and smaller every day, doesn’t it?”

Annnnd now I have ‘It’s a Small World’ playing in my head. Fucking hell... “It sure does. Anyways, you have a good day, sir.”

“You have a good day yourself, Anthony. I look forward to working with you.”

I grin. “And I look forward to working for you.”

“Hah, you’re a witty one.” He nods. “You’re going to fit in around here just fine!”

We give our goodbyes one more time and I head downstairs to the floor and to the cashier. “Mr. Rich said I’d get a collar as my employee uniform?”

She nods and looks about to make sure there weren’t any customers coming up to the till. “Yes, just a moment.”

She walks off quickly and it’s not long before she returns and not a minute later the pony she talked to before comes over with a collar identical to the one he and the cashier are wearing. He hands it to me and introduces himself. “I’m Cliff Racer, I’m the manager here. I’ll be evaluating you when you come by for orientation.”

I take the collar and nod. “I was told as much. I look forward to working with you.”

He smirks “Yeah, I got the feeling you were gonna be working here. Filthy looked pretty interested when I said that Anthony had shown up to see him, and from the looks of things he took quite a shine to you. If you can hold your own around here, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

I bid goodbye to him and make my way out of the store, waving to the cashier as I pass. I get outside and round the corner of the building and find a spot without a window to slump against, letting my smile drop. Whoooooooo, I’m just gonna have to keep up my ‘friendly’ face for five days a week whilst performing manual labor for hours on end for the rest of whenever... Oh joy... I can do that much... can’t I? Fingers crossed...

Also... Diamond Tiara’s dad... really didn’t see that coming. That apple fell really damned far from the tree. Then again, the way his office looked and the way he looked, he does seem upper-middle class at least so his daughter being a rich kid certainly checks out... Anyways, I need to get this collar to Misty Dale once I get some Bits to pay for it.

Then I need to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my day.

Jump to top

Chapter 60

Using a few more Bits loaned from Twilight, I get Misty Dale to recreate the Barnyard Bargains employee collar design into a full shirt, including material used, and I even have some money left over so I have her stitch a ‘name tag’ into the front. I check it out in the mirror that she has, and I wear the shirt well enough. I originally wanted the tag on my breast, but Misty Dale pointed out that would put it a ways higher than pony eye-level, so I agreed to having her move it to my abdominal area, but I still keep it to the side.

“That looks pretty good on you, Anthony.”

I nod and flex a bit. At least it’s got short sleeves so it’s not hard to move in, but... “Vertical stripes aren’t my thing, though I guess it’s not bad.”

“Well, if you ever find a problem with it later, I can fix it up for you.” Misty says, a big smile on her face.

“Yeah, I’ll let you know if I need it. Hope this is the look that Rich had in mind.” I say giving a few more stretching flexes to double check what sorts of movement I have in it.

Again, Misty takes a few moments without response. Maybe it’s not really a hero-worship thing and she just personally finds me attractive. I guess it’s not a problem as long as she can stay mostly professional. I stop and give a small cough and she snaps back. “Oh. Uh, I’m not sure. I’ve never actually gone to that big store before. I don’t have a lot of shopping I need to do aside from supplies, and they don’t carry fabrics.”

I nod. “Well, if there’s a problem, I’m sure I’ll find out sooner rather than later. Thanks a bunch, Misty.”

“Feel free to come by anytime!” She says, waving me out the door looking a little more chipper. Reminds me of a phrase I heard a while ago, but was generally said about women. Hate to see her leave, but love to watch her walk away. I can recall a few nice-looking ladies I knew in the before-time that could fit that description. Certainly nobody of that sort around now.

Alright, back to work mindset. Gotta make this look good. Man, I really should have gotten a haircut. Getting long enough to become bushy. At least my hair never falls into my eyes.

I make my way over to Barnyard bargains and take a breath before I walk in. Moving down a few aisles, I search for Cliff Racer. Though while I’m a bit early, I think, I should familiarize myself with the area. Now that I’m actually wandering around properly though, I realize my equating it to a Seven-Eleven was really inaccurate. With the way the shelves, displays and islands are set up... it mostly reminds me of a slightly fancier Trader Joe’s. Not sure how I didn’t make that connection before but... yeah, it’s really similar now that I’m paying attention and have the comparisons in mind.

Trader Joe’s always had a good selection of cheese, maybe I can find some havarti here. I’ll have to find out later. I round a corner and just down the way from where I turned into I identify Cliff Racer by his reddish-peach coat. One more breath and I approach. He notices me before I get too close, probably because I’m hard to miss given my relative height. He shifts his wings a bit and moves to help close the distance. He looks like the type who takes his job seriously but so far I haven’t gotten any ‘hardass’ vibes from him. “Hello, Sir. I’m here for my evaluation.”

“Yep. Well, you’re five minutes early, but that’s not a big deal. It’s pretty slow, so I can start you now. What do you already know about this job?”

“I’m going to be stocking shelves, taking inventory, and probably moving merchandise.” I state simply and hopefully I sound professional enough.

“That’s a good, quick and dirty way to say it.” He says with an accepting brief loll of his head. “And you’ve done this before?”

“Yessir, but only as training. The position I was going to take ended up getting filled before I finished training.” I want to gauge how he’d react to that.

He gives a sort of shrug with his wings. “Won’t have that problem here, if you do well. Not many ponies around here are interested in anything more ‘city’ than the taxi service. Anyways, we do have some stuff that needs to be put on shelves. Mr. Rich said I should leave most of it undone and ready for you, give you a harder time than your actual first day would probably be like and see how you handle that.”

“I’ll give it the old college try.” I say and Cliff raises an eyebrow.

“You been to college?”

I shake my head. “Oh, sorry, it’s an expression. I meant I’ll do my best.”

“Well, that’s what we’re expecting to see.” Cliff grins a bit. “You look like you’ll do alright if you ask me, but we’ll see if I’m right about that.”

We get to a stack of unsorted merchandise on a metal trolley cart. Basically a kid’s wagon but larger and deeper. He grabs the handle in his teeth and pulls it a bit as an example then instructing me to do the same. I look at it for a bit and for the briefest of moments I consider how I could grip it in my teeth before realizing that’s stupid. I grab the handle and pull it along behind me. It’s a little difficult with all the stuff on it, but it’s certainly possible. I move it all the way to the end of the aisle and stop for Cliff’s evaluation.

“I’m not sure what I was expecting you to do, certainly not that, but I can’t argue with results and .That works pretty well.”

I shrug. “I get the feeling you’ll be thinking that for a while.”

“Same here. Alright kid, let’s actually get this merchandise where it needs to go.” I take the handle again and he leads me down to the aisle the stuff needs to go in. I look in the cart and the closest things to me at the top is a few jars of pickles. Not very big ones, but that’s not what I’m here to judge. I look along the aisle and find a spot with other pickle jars. I bend over a bit to grab one from the cart and start turning it over in my hands a few times.

“...Okay, I’ll bite. Whatcha doing there?” Cliff asks.

“Checking it for cracks or dents or whatever, make sure it’s not leaking or damaged.” I say. “Pretty standard practice.”

He pauses. “Well, yeah but... those hands you got there are weird, it’s like you do everything we do but... not our way. Guess I’m just not used to it. Keep going ...and nice initiative.”

I nod and check each jar before putting them up on the shelf. It’s not too short, so there’s not a big issue here. I get to the next item group and keep going. There are some boxes of what look to be some sort of wafer-cracker-thing and they apparently go on the top shelf. Those are a breeze since it’s right at shoulder height and I don’t have to bend at all.

I do notice that, while there are brand labels on lots of things, there’s not a whole lot of variety. Only one kind of this, only one kind of that, occasionally I find different brands of a given product, but never more than three. Speaking of labels, I notice a few cans already stocked are angled a bit off. “Hold on, I need to face these.” I say and Cliff nods. I go on with grabbing them and rotating them in place so they all show the labels properly and are moved to the front of the shelf. Doesn’t take much more than some quick work from my wrist and Cliff, again, looks interested.

“You know, you make all that look so easy. Usually gotta use wings for that, it’s why most of us Rich hired are pegasi.” He gets on his hind legs and flaps his wings to lift himself off the floor to get up to where I’m facing and he faces a few other jars at the top. I decide to show off by casually grabbing and turning the jar he’d be getting to next and then doing the same to the next jar over, finishing the ‘row’. “Wow, kid. I figured it’d be hard to do all that with a bunch of tinier hooves on the end of yer forelegs.”

“Fingers are pretty useful.” I state as I move the cart over to where the next batch of stuff needs setting up. Cliff just nods.

I move down and... ah shit. Here’s where my looking good stops. The very bottom shelf. I’m definitely gonna have to kneel down. Ah well... I get down on my knees and grab the can of whatever with one hand, ferry it to my other, and place it on the shelf. Even like this I have to keep my arm low, but at least I don’t have to flatten out or anything.

“Okay, now that looks uncomfortable.” Cliff notes.

“Kinda.” I say. “Probably gonna be worse if I have to stay like this but hey, it’s not supposed to be easy, right?”

“Right.” Cliff continues watching as I keep grabbing and bucket-brigading the cans into place from the cart. The floor is wood so it’s a little uncomfortable on my knees, but it's definitely better than I remember linoleum being so it’s not Hell. I keep this going until I’ve finally managed to get everything in the cart stocked and faced, and it takes quite a while.

My back isn’t hurting at all, but it has certainly noticed my bending more than usual. Living with ponies and their tiny doorways and such has basically given me a permanent slouch, but I need to start bending at my knees more or I’ll develop a hunch or something.

“Alright, Anthony. That’s some good work. Hope you aren’t tired though because now we have some bulk bags to move.” Cliff says. “Transporting them is the easy part, at least.” he takes me to a big burlap sack of rice or some other grain. “Just move it into the cart.”

Then I get an idea. “Just a question, where is this going?”

“Right over there.” He gestures to an island where I see some similar bags displayed. “This can take a while since the cart can only carry one bag at a time and they can get heavy.”

“Only one at a time, even with the cart...” I think out loud. “Hey, Cliff. Is it absolutely required by store policy that employees have to move these bulk bags in a cart, or are we allowed to carry them by ourselves?”

He gives me an odd look. “Well, no. We’ve had some of our Earth ponies try to carry a bag on their backs, but they can’t do it alone since they need somepony to load it up onto them. The cart’s just the easiest way.”

“Alright. No guarantees this’ll work but I’ll give it a try.” I say as I crouch down, grab a bag and carefully heft it onto my shoulder and use that to bear the weight. I carry it along on my shoulder and curl up my arm to keep it in place as I walk over to the island. Since it’s grain, it may as well be just like I did with rabbit feed bags a long time ago. All I gotta do is make sure I don’t move too fast and lose my balance from being so lopsided. I get to the island pretty easily though and I carefully shift it to my arms and then into place. A bit of shifting from there and I’ve got it settled in with the bags already there and I walk back to Cliff. “How was that, sir? Is it alright that I do that?”

He looks at me like I pushed over a metro bus with my bare hands but resets back to his business face quickly. “...I’d probably have to ask Mr. Rich about it just in case but... I uh... I don’t see any problems with it. That was quick.”

I shrug. “It'd be a lot easier if I carried two at once simply so I’d have some ballast, but if your policy is only one at a time...”

“Two at once.” He mutters before shaking his head. “You’re something else, alright.”

I shrug. “Eh, it helps that my skeletal structure and musculature is evolved to perform tasks with a bipedal stance in mind, which facilitates-”

“Slow down, there, kid. I don’t really care how ya do it, at least I don’t care enough to hear all the fancy science behind it. But if you can just keep doing that, I don’t think I need to care.”

“Yeah, I can keep doing it, not a problem. Are there more that need doing?”

Cliff nods. “Yeah... just a few bags of oats over there.” He points to a different pair of burlap sacks near just aside of where the one I just moved had been. “They go to that raised circle spot with the sign just left of the front door.”

“Island left of entrance, got it.” It takes a little bit of difficulty but once I have bags on both shoulders and I don’t have to worry about losing balance from weight disparity, I feel comfortable with moving. I move on and get up to the front where the cashier mare gets a disbelieving look on her face upon seeing me come up with both bags of oats. I give her a nod in passing and with a touch more difficulty I get both bags down carefully at the pedestal with a sign sticking up that said OATS and I return once the bags are properly settled.

Cliff smirks in approval. “Well, even if we don’t take you on full-time, it looks like we can at least use you if one of our carts breaks.”

“Good to know I’m roughly equivalent to a simple machine.” I snark. “So what’s next?”

“Some more carts worth of regular merchandise and then... that’s about it. I’d say after that, I just need to get you familiar with what stuff goes where. I’ll lead you around for now until you got it.”

“Yeah, alright.” I agree.

A few hours later, I’m all done with everything they had for me and... okay, now I feel like I could use a sit-down. Really running out of steam in my legs, and my arms argue if I try raising them up past my torso. Whoooooo. But I think I retained most of the memorization tour, at least I didn’t have to carry or pull anything during that.

“Great job, there.” Cliff praises. “If I’m being totally honest, I’d say Mr. Rich would have to be a bit strange if he passed up on you. We gave you a bigger workload than a regular employee and you got it all done.”

“Thanks... but I think I’m ready to go home now.” I admit. “I may have pushed myself a bit harder than is healthy for one day.”

“And you know what, I believe you completely.” Cliff says. “You’re really something. Maybe I’m starting to get why so many ponies around town talk you up as much as they do.”

“At least if I ever run out of chances to be the town monster-fighter, folks can still find some use for me, eh?” I snark. “Well thanks for the votes of confidence sir, but if you don’t mind, I think I’m going to head home and not move for the next eighteen hours.”

Cliff chuckles. “I’d say you’ve earned it. I look forward to working with you, Anthony.”

We share a fist/hoof bump, which works way better than a handshake, and he gives me leave. I give a small wave to the cashier as I pass and she returns it along with her usual smile. I’ll learn other employees’ names eventually but for now I’m ready to find a nice comfortable corner to lay down in and liquefy.

The walk back to the library isn’t painful, but it definitely gets me close to it by the time I reach the door. Boy, what a day...

“Hello, Anthony. How did your tryout go?” I move over and sit myself down in a chair before answering Twilight’s question. It’s still too small for me but at this point, I don’t mind nearly as much.

“Great things were accomplished...” I state, taking the chance to slump back and stretch my legs out.

“That’s good to hear!” She replies happily. “I’m glad it went well. I was wondering if you’d put much thought into my suggestion earlier.”

I can’t remember jack shit about any conversations I might have had before. “Which suggestion?”

“Of me trying that spell on you.” she clarifies.

“Completely slipped my mind... tell you what, if nothing comes up for me to do tomorrow, eh, the day after tomorrow, we can give it a try.”

Twilight nods. “That’s easy enough. I’ll put it in my schedule. Also, you look like you could use something to eat. I think there’s some food left over from when Spike made lunch earlier.”

I sigh and close my eyes before deciding that I probably should eat. I should also make it a point to remember to eat before going in to work in the future. I give myself a few more minutes before I push myself up to get to the kitchen. There’s still a sandwich and a half on the counter and I grab them. It doesn’t occur to think what kind of sandwiches they are until I’m already eating, and thankfully it seems to be some form of egg salad. If they were those gross daisy-based sandwiches Twi likes, I’d probably just spit it out and trash the rest.

I finish the half-sandwich and take the whole one back up to my room with me. Guess there’s another good thing about all this. If I really did put in twice a normal pony’s work today and I only have to shoulder a fraction of today’s effort from here on out, then by the end of any future workday I should only be half as tired as I am now. If it pays well, then I have nothing to really complain about. I also note how absurdly lucky it is for me, that the very first job I applied for is such a good fit for me. Shit like that never happens. That, and at this point I feel like I’m owed at least this much of a break... I’m just surprised I got the break. Unless it turns out that the job actually pays really shit. I’m not expecting that to be the case but I’m not going to be fully surprised if that's how it turns out. Always a grey cloud with the silver lining.

Jump to top

Chapter 61

Not sure what to do with my free time this afternoon. Town is relaxed as usual, so nothing really sticks out enough to grab my attention. It feels kinda warm out, though. That’s pretty odd for Autumn. Then again, I suppose when weather is whatever the ponies want it to be, an occasional bright sunny day out-of-season likely doesn’t hurt anything.

The more woodsy end of town is just beginning to change color, the leaves starting to get speckles of yellow here and there, looks really neat. Even with the green slowly receding, this area looks kinda familiar. I wonder why... Is that a log? There’s no other felled trees around and it’s really green- oh yeah, this is the spot Myrna hangs out. Though usually she’s in the branches, wonder why she’s on the ground...

I follow along her tail until I get to her human... half? Third? There’s a lot more snake tail than mammal parts, I can’t really tell what percentage of her isn’t reptilian. She’s definitely sleeping though, barely moving. You know, it’s not a bad idea, really. I could use a bit more sun on the parts of me I usually keep covered, I’m worried about getting an obvious farmer’s tan. Probably should remember to fix that next time it’s this warm out.

Not sure how long she’ll be sleeping for, but I don’t have much else to do today. I could wait for her. I pick a nearby tree to sit against and get as comfortable as I can.

“-eed something?”

“Eh?” Did I zone out again?

“I asked if you needed something.” Myrna says, looking at me from her spot laying on the ground. “I mean, I figured you did.”

I shake my head a bit. “Oh, uh, not really.”

“Guess that's a good enough reason to sit and stare at someone sleeping.” she replies dryly.

“Hey, you can sleep for entire days, how was I to know how long I had to wait?”

She smirks. “Good to know you think I’m worth that kind of wait, then.”

“Well, you know, Pinkie Pie’s not off work until seven today.” I say, rolling my shoulders.

“So what you’re saying is, I should make you wait longer if I want to compete?”

I raise an eyebrow. “What the heck kind of attention span do you think I have, woman?” I scoot over and lay down next to her. “There, now I’m not staring at you. Happy?”

“Goofball.” She chuckles.

“Hey, I resemble that remark.” I stick my tongue out at her, and she does the same in return.

“That’s why I said it.” She sighs in a relaxed manner. “So, what did you really come by for?”

“Eh, just wandering boredom. Gotta ask though, why the ground? Usually you hang out in the branches.”

“It was surprisingly sunny out today. Ground was warmer.” She sighs again. “Though a little too warm now.” She leans forward and takes off her hoodie. Her arms are a lot thicker than I thought. Just wearing a tank top, she looks much bigger. She catches my gaze again. “What?”

“Oh, nothing, I just never saw you take that off is all.” I say.

“Like what you see?” She taunts lightheartedly. “Oh, right, you think my chest is gross.”

“Well, there’s more to look at than them.” I say. “So, whatcha wanna do?”

She shrugs as she lays back down, spreading her arms out in the grass. “Honestly, I’d like to just stay here.”

“We could talk about stuff.” I offer. “Music?”

She thinks for a moment. “Nah.”

“The weather?”

“Kinda already did that.” She says, lolling her head to the side.

“The sociopolitical statuses of pre-calamitous human civilizations?” I offer jokingly.

“Ah... thanks but no thanks.”

“Well, we could talk about...” I ponder for a bit. “Wanna share personal and potentially bizarre sexual and romantic preferences?”

She turns her head to give me a look and I shut my eyes. “Oh, come on. I wasn’t gonna petrify you.”

“Not taking chances.” I state firmly.

I hear her settle back down and I open my eyes again. “As for discussing kinks... sure.”

“Wait, really?” That suggestion was a joke!

“Sure.” She says, actually sounding serious, then her tone turns playful as the snakes on her head coil and stretch. “But you gotta go first, and make it interesting.”

I chuckle and lay down fully, watching the clouds. “Okay, okay. Uh...”

“And no making stuff up!”

“I know, I wasn’t gonna, I was thinking about what to start with. I’m a very particular man, I’ll have you know. There are many intricacies to my-”

“Quit stalling, Mr. Picky.” She says with a giggle.

“Fine! Fine. My biggest kink is when people truthfully care about my feelings and what I have to say."

It’s silent for a few moments but she finally responds. “Oh, come on, really? That doesn’t count!”

“Of course it does. Some people are into being psychologically abused by romantic partners! If that’s a legitimate fetish, then the opposite should be as well!”

“That’s cheating, it’s still your turn.” She announces with exaggerated stringentness.

“Green eyes.” I say. “For real. Green eyes and red hair.”

She sighs. “Okay, I guess that sorta counts. I like strong guys. I always wished I could find a guy who could lift me and hold me.”

“Lift you?” I ask incredulously. “You’re a giantess! You must weigh a couple tons.”

“I used to be really short, you know!” Myrna says quickly. "That wasn’t an impossible ask at all! Then I show up here and I get this massive snake body.”

“A snake body on a woman who already looks like she could be a pro wrestler.” I point out.

“That changed too! I just said I was short. I mean really short. I was around five-foot-nothing at twenty-four!”

“Twenty four? So how old are you now?” I ask.

“You’re asking a woman her age? Wow, real chivalrous.” I feel one of her snakes bap me a little on the shoulder.

“Pffft, chivalric code is mostly combat rules. Only one part of it is about women, and age isn't relevant to it at all. Besides, human society is down the shitter what with the majority of us dead; I figure that most societal norms or restrictions no longer apply and gender equality is actually possible now. So come on, what are you, twenty five?”

She sighs. “I’m still twenty four. Until I wound up here, I felt like I was just a few inches ahead of being a little person, and my front was flat as a board!”

I raise my eyebrows, but I don’t look away from the clouds. “Mmmmm, delicious flat chest.” and Myrna makes an exaggerated offended noise.

“Ugh, perv!”

I chuckle. “Hey, we’re being honest here, aren’t we? Alright, your turn.”

“Nuh-uh, I already knew you didn’t like big boobs.”

“But I never specified that it was because I like small ones.” I point out. “Your turn.”

“That’s basically the same thing, no splitting hairs.” She asserts.

“Okay, okay, okay.” I think of something else. “Well since we brought up size, larger women. Not pudgy but muscular.”

“You want her to have a large body, but you don’t like big breasts? How does that work?” Myrna asks confusedly.

“Like I said, I’m picky. Not like I need a woman to fit my every desire to be a good candidate. But that was a real one, so now it’s back to you.”

“Fair’s fair, I suppose.” She says, though I can tell she’s at least moderately enthused. “Well you like redheads huh? I like brown hair.”

I nod but pause. Wait a sec... “So, uh, on that note...”

“Heh, darker than yours. Also, yours could be straighter and it’s just a little too short.” She notes.

“I like it short, it’s out of the way and I don’t shed at all. Heck, I like it shorter than this.”

“Your turn.” she reminds.

I nod. “Hmmmm... I like... Well, I’ve never actually kissed anyone but I’ve always wanted to try it.”

“If you have the right person, it feels so nice..” She says a bit dreamily. “I... don’t have much practice, but it’s really nice. Also, that counts as mine.”

“Agreements count, now?”

She nudges me with her arm. “You never said it didn’t.”

One comes to mind but I’m not sure if she’d think it’s dumb... “I like cuddling.”

“Oh, that’s nice, cuddling is a good thing to like as a guy.” I can hear the smile in her voice and I’m glad she approves, considering... “Wait. You’ve never kissed anyone, but you’ve cuddled? Not that that’s bad or anything, just a bit odd. Why’d you backtrack halfway to first base?”

I grin. “Well, it’s not a very long story, but she didn’t seem that interested in me yet.”

She leans up and scrunches her face up. “Okay, I’m confused... you’re talking in past tense but you said ‘yet’. Is she... still around? I thought... we were the only people who uh, made it.”

I decide not to tell her that there are plenty of others, but I answer her question by leaning up to return her look, and then I give her a smirk. “Well, I’m not gonna make a move until you give me a sign that I should.”

It’s silent for a moment and then she blushes and places a hand on my chest, gently pushing me down onto my back again before following herself. “Right... Okay, I admit I kinda forgot we spent an entire afternoon in a tree...”

“I sure didn’t.” I say, smiling as I look back up to the clouds. “The coils were comfy.”

“Oh... uhm... thanks.”

“Your turn.” I say, snapping her back.

“Right! Uh... I like partner size difference.”

“What, like one person is larger than the other, or one’s notably skinnier?” I ask for clarification.

“Yeah.”

“Well, you already said you liked guys bigger than you, so it’s still your turn.” I smirk. I hear her open her mouth but I interrupt. “If two versions of ‘breast size’ count as a duplicate, that does as well.”

I can practically hear her pout. “I like... Oh, I know. I haven’t brought up breast size. And I like them big.”

I shrug. “Fair enough. How big, though?”

“Not massive, I know what it’s like having tits like this now and... I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to deal with these, or worse.” She says, and my peripheral sees her squish herself in example. “But yeah, breasts are nice.”

“If you say so.” I reply, hoping my lack of enthusiasm is palatable.

“I do, in fact, say so.” She says insistently.

“Alrighty then. Uh... okay, I’ll be honest I have a few more ‘subtle’ ones, the rest are more, uh... explicit.”

“We don’t have to play this for that long. Just whatever you’re comfortable with.” Myrna assures me and I reflexively sigh in relief. Was worried I may have to bring up my weird stuff. “Now come on, if you still have some stuff that’s PG-13...”

“Okay, uh... I like smart girls. They should be at least as smart or at least as nerdy as I am.”

“Oh, absolutely!” Myrna agrees. “If I can’t geek out with them, then I’ve got almost nothing to really talk about!”

I grin. “Well, that’s a good sign. So, what’s your flavor of nerd?”

She rubs her arm a bit. “I liked tabletop games with figurines and stuff.”

I sit up, a bit more excited than I probably should have been. “Dungeons and Dragons?!”

She winces and blushes slightly. “Yeah, that kind of thing, I really liked making terrain and such. Not Dungeons and Dragons as much as Warhammer though.”

I calm down a bit and lean back to the ground. “That’s great. I was afraid we’d run out of things to talk about besides random bedroom desires.” She giggles. “Warhammer, huh? Fantasy, or Forty-Kay?”

“Ugh, I still can’t decide!” She says, holding her arms up towards the sky in mild frustration.

“I’m a 40,000 guy. I mean, the fantasy version was totally fine but... by the time I discovered it, D&D already filled that niche for me. Shame we don’t have any books, I’d love to roll some dice.”

“Yeah... but at least we can make figures and maps and stuff without the books.”

“And now you can make them out of actual hard stone with your bare hands. That’d be sweet as hell.” I point out and she nods from her position.

“Yeah, it would be...”

“Anyways, it’s your turn again.”

“Huh?”

I laugh. “I said my thing was ‘Talk Nerdy to me, baby’ and all you did was jump on board. Agreements don’t count, remember?”

“Alright, uh... glasses. I like guys and gals in glasses. And that’s not the same thing as agreeing with wanting a smart partner, so I’m not copying.” Looks like she forgot that she insisted earlier that agreements did count. Maybe I’m getting to her.

I nod. “Yeah, I getcha, I’d say that’s different too. Okay, uh... Well, I wouldn’t count this among my major ones, but I know it’s a bit of a dealbreaker for plenty of folks. Scalie.”

She sits up fully in order to give me a clear view of the confused look on her face. “What’s... scalie?”

“You familiar with furries? Not like the IRL fur suit deal but just the anthro thing?”

She nods. “I’m not really familiar with them, but I get it. I’m cool with it, just not my thing. But then what’s scalie?”

I blink at her and she just blinks back, not quite getting it yet. “Okay, well it’s pretty simple. So you know furries are called what they are because of the fur thing?” She gives a brief ‘Mm-hm’ of understanding and I lightly tap her on the waist where her snake scales start. She takes a moment and then her eyes go super wide. I reflexively shut my eyes out of caution, but I sense her just lay back down slowly.

“...oh. I uh... I see...” She murmurs a bit more but I catch a small ‘That’s good...’

“There, I got a real embarrassing one out there, especially given my current company. You gonna call?” I say, a little proud of myself, and also relieved she isn’t turned off at all.

“Okay, fine, you want embarrassing?” I nod. “I’ve never done it, but I’ve always been interested in bondage.” She continues really fast. “Only the light stuff, like being tied up with rope. Idunno, it always seemed like... something I’d like to try. Not tied up super tight or dom stuff, but...”

“Hey, no worry, I get what you mean.” I say. “It’s cool. I mean, we all got that thing we’re a bit curious about. Though... not sure if it’d really be possible since... I mean not only are you forty meters long or whatever and really thick around the middle, but that part of you is already a bigass rope.”

She sighs. “Yeah... though a bit of pretend can fix a lot of problems.” She suggests. “I’m uh... I don’t wanna get any kinkier, if that’s okay. You don’t need to take your turn.”

I grin. “Nah, it’s cool, I got one more and then we can be done.” She gives me an okay and my grin widens. “You ready for this one?”

“Well now I’m not sure...”

I grin and hook my elbow to hers. “My greatest desire... is someone I can tell just about anything to and they’ll hear me. Someone who makes me feel comfortable and never makes me feel like I have to hide anything. Especially when I’m scared, angry or completely out of my mind.” I close my eyes. “Someone who won’t leave me, even though I’m so fucked up and anxious. That’s something... I need in my life more than anything.”

I feel her hesitate in responding and I feel a massive pit of worry deep inside me. Was that not okay? Was that too demanding? Did I just- “Well, you’ve laid some heavy stuff on me before and it was fine. I don’t think I’ve personally seen you at your worst, from what I’ve heard about you... but I don’t know for sure if your worst really is too much. Having said that...” Just as the pit was shrinking, now it’s twisting up and starting to hurt. I feel her cinch her elbow to mine. Is that good? Is that- “It takes a strong person to admit how weak they can be. It’s good that you can be sensitive. I like serious guys... and that doesn’t just mean they aren’t foolheads, but... guys who can be honest with me and aren’t afraid to be ‘real’ with me.”

I feel the pit in my chest untwist and move up, really fast, into my throat. I swallow my entire digestive system and shift my head over to lean it against her large shoulder. “You haven’t seen me at my worst or lowest. That’s for sure. I also know that you probably will eventually, and I’m scared of what might happen then. I just... I’m just glad that you’re willing to wait to see it before... making a decision.”

I feel her smile, and a few of her snakes curl up around my head in an odd facsimile of a hug, I suppose. “So... we’ve been here for an hour, staring at the sky and talking about ourselves and getting to know each other. Does this make ‘us’ a thing?”

“Uh...” I have no idea what to say... Does it? C’mon, I gotta answer her! What the fuck do I say?! Say something! “Well, I... I don’t want to make any sort of commitment that hasn’t been mutually agreed upon.” Holy fuck, man. That was the dumbest thing you could have possibly said! What is wrong with you?!

“That works for me.” I hear her say and it’s like a massive weight off of my chest... and then a different weight shows up. I see that some of her snakes have moved down to rest on my upper body. “Oh, crap, sorry. They uh... They sorta have a mind of their own. No, if you aren’t ready it’s fine. I’m not a hundred percent sure if I’m ready either. I was just teasing is all.” She unhooks her elbow from mine and scoops her snakes off of me and onto herself. “Didn’t mean to kill the mood.”

“Hey, it’s fine... I just... like I said, not really used to this sort of thing. Crushes, sure I’ve had those. But I mean... never gotten much farther.”

“So halfway to first base is your record, then?” She half-smiles at me.

“Okay, maybe that’s not fully true. Though uh, I wouldn’t call it real.” I say, quietly.

“Whatcha mean by that? Are you okay with talking about it?”

“Thanks for asking first, but... no, it’s fine. I just. Well, all my kisses so far were... the situations surrounding them... I wasn’t er, ‘asked permission’.”

“Oh gosh...” Myrna gives me a sad look. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know...”

I shake my head. “I was bamboozled out of the first, psycho bitch using mind magic, I wasn’t even emoting the way I should. Times after that, at least it was someone who honestly does love me, the feeling just isn’t mutual. She’s stopped pushing that kind of stuff on me as of late and we’ve come to an understanding about it, but I know Pinkie still carries a torch for me.”

Myrna’s quiet for a bit. “I... wow, that’s rough. Nothing like that’s ever happened to me. So, when I heard ponies say that Pinkie Pie loves you...”

“Oh yeah a hundred percent real, and as long as it’s just her crushing on me, that’s fine. We’ve already got an understanding. She’s just got difficulties containing herself at times and I know that she can only help herself to a certain extent when she’s whipped up. Though the first one... that one’s a nightmare.”

Myrna squeezes my hand with hers. “You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to, Anthony.”

I squeeze her hand in return. “I’ve told it before... Not much else to say. She was using some kind of magic that altered my perception, on top of her being a natural shapeshifter. She was trying to keep me complacent.”

“She’s been dealt with, though? Right?” Myrna asks, worried. “I mean, you told whatever proper authorities-”

I shake my head vigorously. “No. I... I broke out of it and... I made sure she wasn’t going to be a problem anymore. Chrysalis is dead. But she still ruined so much for me. Also made it kind of difficult to deal with Twilight.”

“The librarian you live with? Why? Was she involved?”

“Chrysalis was a shapeshifter. Picked someone my subconscious trusted enough for exploitation or something. Or she used Twilight for some other reason.”

“...So that’s why you don’t get along with Twilight very well.” Myrna says morosely. “That’s awful.”

“I mean, I have other problems with Twilight, I don’t consciously dislike her because of that, but I’m sure that could be part of it.” I realize I never stopped squeezing Myrna’s hand, so I loosen my grip.

“Well... I don’t... I don’t really know what to say. I’d like to help but I don’t really know if I could.” She’s quiet enough to hear the light breeze over her voice.

“You don’t have to try.” I assure her. “Not a ball that’s in your court.”

“I still wanna cheer you up if I can, though.” She insists. “Maybe I could treat you somehow. Uh... You like ice cream?”

I chuckle. “Seems you haven’t learned everything the ponies know about me.”

“Are you allergic? Sorry, I was just-”

“Nah, I meant that if you’d been told, you’d already know my one major weakness. I love ice cream.”

“Okay.” She pauses. “Don’t love it enough to put it on your kinks list, though?”

I stand up and realize her sitting up comes up to about my chest even though I’m standing fully upright. Wow, she’s big. “Of my various fetishes, foodplay is not one of them. So messy.”

“Are we getting ice cream anyways, though?” She asks.

“Sure. But you don’t have to treat me. I have a job now. No more bumming off my friends for everything I put in my face.” She ‘stands up’ by shifting which part of her tail she’s sitting on and settles at a head taller than me as usual. “But I wouldn’t mind the company.”

She looks off to the horizon and I follow her gaze to see the sun is beginning to set. Were we really here that long? “Sure, but speaking of jobs, I got some construction work early tomorrow so I can only hang out for a few more hours.”

I nod as I hook my elbow to hers again, though it’s not as easy as when we were laying down. “Very well, then I shall enjoy my fine lady’s company until she must bid me farewell.”

She chuckles. “You’re so cheesy...”

“Damn right.” I reply. “Come on, I know a place.”

Jump to top

Chapter 62

I sit in my room, trying to decide how I should spend the rest of my evening. I could finish that book I picked up the other day.

“Anthony?” Twilight opens the door. She’s still not quite gotten the whole ‘wait for response before entering’ bit, though I’m not in the mood to bite her head off again. She walks inside and looks about. “Wow, you actually did clean your room.”

Suddenly I don't feel as forgiving anymore. “Indeed, I am capable of performing actions that are expected of mature adults. Thanks for noticing.” I reply, as dryly as possible. “You got a reason for the intrusion, other than making backhanded commentary on the upkeep of my personal living space?”

“Yes, actually.” Twilight levitates up a scroll. Similar to the ones she gets from Celestia, but it has the blue-purple-ish ribbon that Luna uses. “You’ve received a summons from Princess Luna to meet her at Canterlot castle.”

“I see... and you know the letter says that because..?” I prod, miffed that she might have read my mail.

“Well, I didn’t know it was for you. I just... it looked like what I typically receive from Princess Celestia, but the ribbon and seal were different; also it wasn’t sent through Spike. I had no idea what it was supposed to be, maybe some special message from Princess Celestia. I didn’t know Princess Luna sent messages in a similar fashion or had her own personal missive seal.”

“And thus you just assumed it was for you.” I state, my tone now hopefully implying the traits of a desert.

“I am the head of this household, so without any particular addressing, yes.” Twilight replies plainly. “Either way, here it is. Also, I’d take this a bit more seriously. Even I don’t get official royal summons like this, so whatever this is for, it’s likely important.”

I take the rolled up parchment and uncurl it, a smaller piece falling out. Might as well start on the big one. Princess Luna requests an audience with Anthony at Canterlot castle, yadda yadda. Oh, she wants it tonight which explains sending it now. Yeah, alright. Should probably get myself to the train station before it gets much later.

I head off and walk my way over, and the sun is rather low by the time I get there, but I see a few ponies there. “Hey, I need a ride up to Canterlot.”

The pony at the sales counter shakes her head. “Sorry, we’re closing up for the night, you’ll have to come by tomorrow.”

“It’s fairly urgent, though.” I insist. “I need to get to the castle tonight.”

“Sorry pal, but hero or not, we aren’t gonna start up a train just to get you up a mountain when we’re ten minutes away from fully closing. You can buy a ticket for tomorrow morning, but that's all I can do for you right now.”

I frown. “Well, I’m not one to speak above my station, but I’m pretty sure that me getting to Canterlot is worth a little bit of overtime from you.” I hold up the parchment to the mare.

She looks it over thoroughly, and sighs. “Royal summons? Nopony in this town ever gets these. But I suppose it’s legitimate enough. Fine...” I put the scroll away and the mare leaves her booth. “Alright everypony, we gotta get a train running to Canterlot. Mister Hero here’s got a letter from Princess Luna that says she wants to see him real soon.”

I hear some grumbling from the various ponies around, but they hop to it regardless. If I still had my powers, I could probably help out with loading the engine with coal, but that’s not an option so I keep my mouth shut.

“Well, we should have this thing movin’ in a few minutes, so get on board.” I’m instructed and I get on. Thankfully it’s completely empty so I have all the space I need to stretch out. I figure I should check out that smaller letter while I’m on the way.

Dear Anthony,
Apologies for the formality, but I simply needed to see you as soon as possible, so I decided that a letter of urgency was in order.

I’ve been wanting to discuss some concerns I’ve had lately, and a face-to-face meeting is the most appropriate I can think of that still gives us complete privacy. I do look forward to seeing you, and I apologize if this summons seemed extreme and caused undue worry.

Luna

Okay, so this is just a casual visit, but she needed to see me tonight? As soon as possible? It must be important, she’s just not wanting to say as such. Maybe she’s upset about something but doesn’t want to turn me off of showing up, so she’s being extra friendly. So either Luna really does just want to talk, or she’s gonna chew me out something fierce. Too late to not take the gamble though, train’s already chugging along, and rather quickly.

It’s a long train ride, and if I wasn’t still having issues sleeping lately, I might have fallen asleep. I feel the incline of us shifting from flat ground to going up mount Canter, so we’re almost there. Once we finally arrive the train stops only long enough for me to get off. I’m just stepping onto the platform as the train begins pulling out. Guess they really wanted this over and done with as soon as possible.

I leave the platform and I see some of those dark-furred bat-winged ponies that make up Luna’s guardforce. Odd how the princesses each have their own specific types of guards, but that’s not really my business to question just yet.

“Anthony.” One of them says as they approach. “We have been ordered by Princess Luna to rendezvous with you and provide escort to the castle.”

“At ease.” I say casually. “This is just a friendly visit, apparently. No need to be all military.”

“We serve the alicorn princess of the night. We are expected to maintain convention, regardless of scenario. We take our positions very seriously at all times.”

“Yeah, I can tell. Let’s not keep her waiting.” I say as I follow along. I’m fairly certain I remember the way to the castle, but Canterlot does feel pretty different this late into the evening. Not that I come here much anyways, it’s just really not my scene. Too much... wealth.

It’s quite the walk and it’s well into sunset before we make it to the castle. At least it’s quiet and nobody’s around. We pass the gate and the large double doors are opened by some more of Luna’s guards as we approach. “Princess Luna has informed us that she will be delaying her nightly court to have a private meeting with you.” I’m told by one of the door guards.

So this really is that important, whatever she actually wants me for. I just nod as I enter the castle grounds proper. The ponies beside me escort me around the castle to... her room? I recognize it by the familiar design of the door. Getting some bad vibes now, considering what happened last time I was here. One of the night guards knocks on the door and announces his presence. “Princess Luna, we have retrieved Anthony and brought him to your chambers as requested.”

“Thank you. Send him in and you may excuse yourselves.” I hear her reply, and the guards do as such once I step inside. Not sure that I want to close the door behind me, but that might seem suspicious if I intentionally leave a means of escape available. I slowly shut it, not taking my eyes off of the lion whose den I just entered. Luna seems to pay my caution no attention. “Good evening Anthony. You have impeccable timing, I had just finished raising the moon.”

Just get to the point... “So you wanted to see me? Your letter didn’t say why.”

“I thought that I should be as discreet as possible. After all, I know how private you like to be.” she smiles. “It’s also nice to have you here. The dreamscape is nice, but personal meetings have their own charm.”

“Charm. Yeah.” I keep my hands to my sides, but my fingers twitch a bit. The pressure in the room is minor, but I can just feel it.

Luna shifts to a slightly concerned look “Is something bothering you? Was this a bad time?”

Gotta maintain cover, better go for indifference. “Nah, completely open night, not even any sleeping to get done so... I guess you start with exactly why I was summoned.”

Luna nods. “Of course. Please, have a seat.” I look around and I don’t see a chair anywhere. Her room doesn’t really have much furniture. Luna seems to notice my gaze and she chuckles. “You may sit at the end of my bed. It’s not as much an issue with me; my sister is the one who is picky about who has been where in her room.”

Might as well take the offer. I sit down on her bed and I notice how firm it is. I expected an absurdly wealthy person like her to have the fluffiest mattress possible. Still, it’s very comfortable. “Okay, so let’s get a real answer as to why I’m here in person, huh?” I prompt.

“There are several things I’ve wished to discuss with you for some time, but you’ve been rather unavailable for several nights.”

I sigh. “Yeah, I guess if I’m not dreaming, you can’t reach me. Also I’ve been having some sleeping issues lately.”

“Indeed you have, and it has me a bit worried for your health. On top of the other things I worry about you.” Luna says, resting upright on her bed, though keeping a respectful distance from me. Seems like it’s safe so far.

“Yeah, I don’t know what let me sleep so often earlier. This is the norm, really.” I state, and she grimaces.

“You’ve said as much before. Several times.”

I have? When? “I uh... I don’t remember saying anything like that. I mean I probably should have, but I can’t recall actually-”

“You don’t remember your dreams. It’s rare that you do. You’ve told me so.” Luna looks right at me, and I feel that tension thicken slightly.

“Eh? When..?”

Luna hangs her head a bit. “The times you’ve slept the last few weeks, I’ve been having conversations with you. None of which you remember, come morning. The last one you seem to remember to date is when you had demonstrated that superheroing. Every night since in which I have been able to meet with you, I mention that you seem to forget our discussions, and every time you forget that you’d already told me you forget your dreams.”

“So you arrange a meeting about this when I’m awake, meaning we won’t run into this repeatedly, of me forgetting I told you I forget. Yeah. Remembering my dreams is so rare. It’s rather baffling that I’ve managed to remember all of the dreams I’ve had that you visited me until now. Well, until then. Guess it was just luck and... luck always runs out.”

Luna grows quiet. Almost somber. “We’ve had that exact discussion twice now.” I facepalm.

“I’m sorry. I don’t... you know what, let’s start with you telling me what I’ve told you, just so I don’t make this take forever.”

“That’s fair.” Luna says. “Your forgetting is truly the most pressing issue. I also don’t know why you remember my earlier visits but not recent ones, it may truly be up to luck as you say since I have no way of divining any other possibility.” She looks down at the floor. “It saddens me. I... I want to help you, but if my support needs to be repeated so frequently then I haven’t helped you after all.”

“Not your fault. Blame my biology. I do it all the time for nearly everything.” I try to reassure her.

“Yes. You blame yourself for so many things you have no control over.” Luna replies, sounding slightly distant.

I shrug and give my simple answer. “I’m used to it, is all.”

Luna’s ear twitches a bit, and she looks down at her bedding. “I’m not convinced that is the full truth of the matter. I initially feared the thought, it just sounds so...”

“I’m sorry to rush you, but can you get to the point?” I’m trying not to be too impatient, but if she still feels uncomfortable with me, it makes me feel uncomfortable in return, and I’m already not entirely alright with being here, where she could do just about anything she wants to me with no resistance at all.

“I don’t think that you blame yourself for things just because you’re used to it. Rather, I think you’re used to it because you’ve been conditioned to. I still can’t imagine somepony being put in a position where one holding themselves accountable becomes their default response to any perceived shortcoming. What could happen to create that mentality?” Her expression droops further as she sighs. “I... I care about you. In a way I haven’t for anypony else, at least not that I can recall. I feel urged to help you as much as I can, yet I can’t fathom where the roots of your struggles could begin.”

“You shouldn’t worry about it if you can’t. You’re not obligated to help me. I appreciate it when you do, but-”

She turns her head to me sharply and looks very upset. “Do not dare to repeat that this is solely your problem and only you need to worry. That is not how this works. Not how it is supposed to work. I know that I cannot help you nearly as much as you have inadvertently helped me, but do not ever tell yourself you do not deserve help at all.”

“Look, it’s not that easy for me.” I say tersely. “I don’t... I...”

“Now it is my turn to insist you simply explain yourself.” Luna presses and I wince.

Fine, she wants it, she’ll get it... “The few people I felt okay with trusting are dead and gone. Everyone else is as well. I don’t have a safety net anymore. I don’t just make friends with people, it’s not that easy. I won’t let people get close to me easily because that has actually hurt me before. I won’t let that happen. So I don’t want help, because the people I’ve known that have harmed me while saying they want to help is a much larger number than those who genuinely cared. Maybe it is conditioning, but if that’s what it is then that’s just how it is. I say it’s not your problem and you shouldn’t worry because you can’t fix it, and obsessing over trying to anyway just makes your life worse to match. Besides, you should hate me anyways, and I don’t get why you want to help. You hurt me, I hurt you and-”

“We’ve apologized.” Luna interjects, her voice quiet but strong enough to hear. “Of all your forgotten dreams, that you forgot that one is... the most painful to me. We reconciled. I forgave you for everything you did to me. I’m sorry I was so harsh as to make your first apology meaningless.” She holds a hoof up to the diamond moon pendant I made for her and I realize that she’s still wearing it. “I love this... you did so much to show you cared. I don’t know what to do about you forgetting, but I just want you to understand that you’ve already cleared the air between us. Would you at least trust that?”

I just feel myself freeze up. Did we really? I mean, she... the way she’s been acting so far looks like she’s put it behind her. But can I trust it? I just don’t know yet.

She notices my hesitation and takes her turn again. “You expressed your issues with my treatment and implied potential treatment of you. Leashing you was not a threat I should have made. You were very clear about that and I agree. I was just angry and scared. You showed so much to be scared of that I was hostile and acted far too quickly. The night of our reconciliation, you connected with me. You consoled me about Nightmare Moon again. I had never felt so understood in all my life. And you... can’t remember any of it. You told me how you have issues with trusting others, that you’ve been hurt again and again. I explained how I felt, that you were so alien to my sister and I that we have no idea what to think of you. I felt like I truly connected with you, rather than just trying to offer verbal support...”

“And it’s gone.” I state. “If any of that conversation did actually happen, I can’t recall to confirm it. All sentiments are effectively nulled.”

“So where do we go from there?” Luna asks, sounding sadder than I think I’ve ever heard before. “How can we help each other if only I remember it? I truly believe you still feel the same inside even if you don't remember you had said it aloud, and if that's the case then I’m still grateful for everything.”

“But if I can’t recall at all, then only you’re really benefiting.” I feel the air get a little bit colder. “One step forward, two steps back. That’s the way it is, unless we somehow get lucky.”

“It’s just not fair...” Luna laments slowly.

That statement confuses me. “Of all the things you’ve likely lived through with your sort of position and lifespan, this is what you call unfair?”

“Absolutely. I genuinely feel that your inability to retain my help is the most unfair. Everypony else I’ve helped in some manner, small as it is, at least there’s proof I did it, but with dreams it... if it’s not remembered, then I’ve done effectively nothing.”

My fingers curl and stiffen in anger at that. “You think this is the most unfair thing simply because what good you tried to do didn’t stick? Try having that be the majority of your life. You wanna connect with me, then walk a mile in my shoes. No, make it a hundred miles. Nothing good I do ever lasts. I don’t fix anything, no matter how hard I try. You don’t get to play the ‘unfair’ card with me.”

Luna makes some sort of choking noise. “I didn’t mean... I didn’t... I meant... I meant that it’s unfair for you. That whatever progress I help you in making is ultimately worthless. No matter how much I may aid you or make you feel better about yourself, it may be for naught in the end. It is not fair that you live whatever awful life you had, where you cannot trust or accept help, and all I do gets washed away after only a few hours. How can I heal you if your wounds reopen the next morning?”

“You know something...” I hang my head. “That upsets me even more, but in a different way.”

“What do you mean?” Luna’s eyes seem like they might be tearing up, though I can’t see well enough in the dim lighting to confirm.

Might as well answer. “You’re putting too much importance on my well-being. I could live much longer than most, but I’m still temporary to you. Why should I rate so highly? What could make you consider being unable to help me as the greatest unfairness in your life? Even if it all did stick, eventually I’ll be gone and it’ll be like I never existed. Congratulations, you helped a person just for them to die like everyone else and undo it all. Helping me won’t do you any good.”

“That is where you are completely incorrect...” Luna says gently as she lays herself down onto the bed, a bit like a dog or a cat, her head still low. “When I help you, you help me in return whether you try to or not. You’ve discussed the Nightmare with me, you take me seriously and your treatment of me lacks the coddling I’ve gotten from all others, yet you also give a perspective of my troubles that I thought only I had, and some I’d never considered at all. It’s not fair that you cannot remember the good that you do with the limited lifespan you insist is worthless. I disagree. In your time here within my land, you have helped others in very significant manners. You have done more for me than I thought possible, and you still act like you are abhorrent and do not deserve any returned care... and then when I try to give it back anyways and it seems you might be slowly recovering, it all just... goes away.” This time, I can see a tear roll down her face and vanish as it soaks into her fur. “It’s just so unfair that I can’t help you the way you’ve done for myself and others.”

The room is silent and the feeling of the room grows, but with a different sort of tension than before. Still cold as well. “There’s not much that can be done anyways. Fairness isn’t a factor, and assuming that it’s true you’re trying to help anyways, that’s commendable enough. It’s far better than the way other people act when faced with impossibility. When I say don’t worry about it, I mean it. You literally don’t have to. Clearly all this does is make you sad, so don’t hang onto it so much. Leave a devil to his demons. Nobody else has to needlessly hurt themselves on my behalf, especially if it doesn’t pan out in the long run.”

“It used to work, though.” Luna says softly. “You used to remember. You used to sleep. When I talk to you, I... I feel more like a real pony than I have in an extraordinarily long time. You have taught me so much about perspective, Anthony. As chaotic and unusual as you are compared to everypony around you, you gave me normalcy and even a form of comfort I am still befuddled by how to describe.” She sighs, and it seems to add weight to the air. “But no longer. Now... it’s only luck if anything we share has lasting importance. Because as much as you help me, if you don’t remember the good you’ve done, all it does is stagnate and rot your view of yourself.”

“So what am I supposed to do, then? Fix my insomnia? Remember my dreams? That’s not a choice I make, Luna.” I say, resting my arms at my sides. My hands brush against her blankets and I find they are rather soft. “Look, I get that I’m this... great help to you and all but there’s only so much of that to be done. You get closest to understanding how I feel, and that’s meant a fair bit to me, but if nothing else comes from this, then that’s just how it’s gonna be. I’ve talked with Twilight about seeing if she can replicate a sleeping aid to at least hopefully fix the insomnia. But if sleeping also makes me dream? If I remember a dream I have? Those aren’t controlled variables. This is why uncertainty frustrates me so much; there’s always more of it than what is for certain. You either accept it, or you suffer more.” I sigh. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Luna gives a rather sad-looking smile. “Even outside of your dreams, you are exceptionally profound. Tell me... if you really are the hopeless, damaged wretch you claim to be, how is it that you are so enlightened?”

“Simple. I live in darkness, but that doesn’t mean I am completely black, in regard to the common relation of white to good and black to evil. There are many shades of gray, and we all have our place on the gradient, but even our given placement on the spectrum isn’t one for others to judge easily, as we all have complexities unique to our shade.”

Luna‘s smile turns into a smirk. “Now you are just doing this on purpose.”

I return the expression. “Sure I am, but that doesn’t make it untrue.”

With a tilt of her head towards me, Luna closes her eyes. “Who are you, to be so wise and understanding of the complexities of ourselves as individuals within a collective, and yet still-”

“A complete fucking downer?” I quickly finish for her with my own adjectives.

“Yes! It is quite frustrating.” She says, though the way she looks tells me she’s somewhat entertained.

“That one’s easy. Plenty of existentialist philosophers were depressing and generally unhappy people.”

Luna quirks an eye. “I wouldn’t go as far as to label you a philosopher... but you are insightful nonetheless.”

“Anyways, we admit that the whole dreamscape thing isn’t regularly viable anymore, not much else to say about it, might as well leave it where it is instead of further bemoaning the loss. We have other bushes to beat around, don’t we?”

“Yes, the other things I wanted to properly discuss with you.” Luna agrees, readjusting her position.

“Said my health was of particular concern. In what way, exactly?” I ask as I lay down on the bed, which is really comfortable. Shame I’m far from sleep yet.

“You are always so keen on degrading yourself. I admit that it’s something of a relief in a few ways. Notably, it assures me that your ego is kept in check despite your antics, and you will not intentionally misuse your abilities once they return. However, it also means that you yourself are not as emotionally satisfied with your life. You simply aren’t enthused by most things, except for brief periods.”

“It’s called anhedonia.” I say, eyes closed.

“Anhedonia?” She replies, voice sounding confused. “Is that a scientific term? I’m... I’m not much of a scientist.”

“Mental health related, specifically. It’s a condition where a person can’t get enjoyment out of things they typically find pleasurable in some form or another. Here’s an example: I like reading... but doing so at a given moment may not enthuse me in the slightest, even though I normally enjoy the book a lot. It’s not just simple boredom, it’s a fluctuating mental state.”

“So you know what your problems are, even having names for them, but you don’t do anything about them?” Luna says, sounding concerned.

I sigh. “It’s not something that can be dealt with. Possibly suppressed with drugs but that’s a purely temporary solution. That’s why it’s difficult to deal with me. All my issues are psychosomatic or internally chemical. Not to mention that my grab-bag of ‘mental disorders’ and innate hormonal deficiencies don’t make it any easier. I can’t just take some super wise advice, apply it, and become a more satisfied person. My body doesn’t let it work, to put it in simpler terms.”

“I... I do not recognize some of the words you’ve spoken.” Luna admits, shifting to lay down on the bed on her back to match me, her voice sounding sad and distant. “I want to help, but I don’t know... what to do.”

I keep my gaze on the ceiling of her room. “Emotional support is essentially the thing. It does do good, but not for long. No matter how much better something can make me feel, I default back to neutrality or negativity. It’s why I say you shouldn’t worry so much. You alone can’t do anything about it. That’s not me being defeatist, you and your people simply don’t have a way to get inside my head and uncross the wires. No science can fix things I was born with and had cemented during my system’s early development.” I sigh. “Please Luna, promise me that no matter how much you may help me, that if it ultimately doesn’t do any good, you won’t take it personally.”

“I just... I want to help you in return for how you’ve helped me come to terms with-”

“Promise me, Luna.” I repeat sternly. “Have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. Don’t overworry yourself the way I do.”

It’s quiet as we stare at her bedroom ceiling for a while but she breaks the silence with a whisper. “I promise that I will try my best to not punish myself over inability to return the aid you’ve given me.”

“So who’s being the downer now, eh?” I ask rhetorically.

“...would you mind spending the rest of the night with me?” She asks, leaning a bit closer to me. “I do have responsibilities to attend, but... I’d appreciate it if you could stay with me a little longer.”

I chuckle. “She asks about an hour after any train would be running to get me back to Ponyville, royal decree or not.”

“By that, do you mean-”

I chuckle. “Yeah sure. Watching you politicking for the next several hours can’t be all that boring, right?”

“You have not yet experienced true boredom yet, if you truthfully believe that.” Luna says with a soft groan.

I smirk as I move to sit up. “Me? Not knowing true boredom? Please, I’ve waited at the DoL multiple times in a single day before.”

Jump to top

Chapter 63

I stand beside Luna, watching and sometimes listening to the ponies who enter and exit. Gotta admit that it’s certainly rather boring. I don’t speak of course, though several ponies take particular notice of me. I’m not interacting at all beyond observation so I’m mostly ignored. Though it is a bit tiring standing here in silence for so long. Not tiringing enough to make me drowsy, as is usual. I should rest my legs. Once current talking has ceased, I move to the throne beside Luna’s and take a seat. It’s big enough for an alicorn which means I can actually sit in it without any squeezing. It’s also cushioned rather well. Makes sense, since these two have to sit in their respective chairs for the majority of their waking hours.

Luna bites her lip. “Anthony? For what purpose are you sitting in my sister’s, ah, seat?”

“Got tired of standing. Besides, she’s not using it right now, is she?” I posit, stretching my legs a bit and crossing them. “I’m just getting comfortable.”

I hear someone cough, and my eyes are drawn to a pony, one I’ve previously deduced is a secretary or some sort of courtier. “Lounging in the Sun Princess’ throne simply for comfort...”

I wave it off. “Celly is supposedly asleep, and in the meantime it’s an available chair.” I note, looking about the room, reconfirming for myself that the only other furniture in this whole room are some small desk-like tables with no seating arrangements. “If morning comes and Celestia has an issue with it, she’s capable of settling it herself.”

The pony is about to rebut before Luna speaks up first. “My sister is indeed capable of deciding for herself if she is offended by treatment of her property in her absence, and she is equally capable of settling those matters.”

“I simply don’t appreciate him interrupting the court, your highness.” The pony says submissively, clearly trying to earn some footing back.

“What interruption?” I ask plainly.

As the pony opens his mouth, another pony enters. A mare with simplistic but important dress. “Princess Luna, I have-” the mare pauses and looks straight at me. “Princess, what is the meaning of this? Why is-”

“I am not the reason you came here.” I interject quickly. “Do not waste the court’s time. State your original business.”

“I... apologize. I’m just c-” The pony hasn’t broken eye contact with me so I repel her with a cold glower. “R- right. I was here to discuss some of the recent land trading that has been going on amongst the nobility-” and I tune her out. It takes a while and the general discussion continues going back and forth between mouths all around the room, though the exact words I’m too disinterested to pay any attention to. It should prove that I am no interruption of my own. I’m shot the occasional look, but simply ignoring it is enough to get them on track. Eventually the mare leaves and there’s a bit more discussion among the remaining ponies here but the matter soon settles and the room goes quiet again. I notice Luna shift in my peripheral and she’s looking at me. “What? Was I too rude? I’m just trying to keep folks on track.”

“Not at all.” She says, smiling a bit. “I just find it rather interesting. Insisting on one’s unimportance while sitting on my sister’s throne.”

I shrug and stretch my legs out further, sliding down the chair slightly. “Am I to understand you imply that one’s influence changes just because they rest themselves on some rather expensive furniture Celestia has ownership of? That the seat itself confers any modicum of power to whoever sits on it, rather than solely belonging to the one who owns it?” Luna pauses at my long question, and her face looks somewhere between being confused and entertained. I smirk. “If that’s all it takes for one to steal Celly’s importance in the eyes of other ponies, they must have little faith in her ability to retain her position.”

One of the other ponies present stands away from the table she was at. “Are you saying that Princess Celestia is weak?”

My position is a bit uncomfortable, until I prop my head up with a hand, the chair’s arm now high enough to rest my elbow on. “Not at all. I’m saying that getting flustered over someone else having their butt in her chair for a couple hours is completely ridiculous. The only impact I have on the hierarchy is what others give to me.” I smile, finishing my self adjustments. “The bigger a fuss you make, the more it implies that I have the power to cause imbalance. So tell me... how much political leverage do I have right now, according to you?”

“Absolutely none.” the mare states firmly.

“Then we’re in total agreement.” I say simply. “And we can stop wasting breath and moonlight on irrelevant matters.”

“Anthony, I would appreciate it if you refrained from heckling my court.” Luna says, though she doesn’t actually look upset in any way.

“They started it by making a problem out of nothing.” I say. “Besides... it amuses me. So much importance put on the throne itself, rather than the one who normally sits in it. Such a backwards notion, don’t you think?”

“I agree, but Celestia does tend to be rather particular about who has been around her things.” Luna reminds me. “I do not believe she would appreciate you sitting there, regardless of how little difference it makes.”

I give Luna a wink. “I won’t tell your big sis if you won’t.”

The matter is soon dropped and the court goes on as usual. The amount of ponies showing up that aren’t here to stay are getting fewer and fewer, likely because it’s past their bedtime by now. Speaking of bedtime, I’m starting to tire of this silent motionlessness, but I don’t want to cause any actual interruption. Of course, I’m tired but not sleepy so I’m just wide awake with pressing boredom. Everything is just white noise at this point. I can look around the room and see mouths moving and words being formed, but whatever sounds are being made get drowned out by the engulfing drone of nothing. They seem to be hearing each other, but I certainly can’t. I’m rather glad this is a skill I managed to pick up and can do it on purpose, rather than something that just happens. Enough parent-teacher conferences gave me ample opportunity to hone it to the point of on-demand.

Alternatively, I could try and soak up everything they’re saying. I might learn a few things... but I don’t see any enjoyment I could possibly gain from learning this way, so I return my attention to the numb droning of empty silence.

The daze continues for the majority of a partial eternity, but a dark shape obstructs my view, sharply interrupting the bright whitestone of the room’s primary construction. “Anthony? Are you alright?”

It takes a moment to shake the fuzzies off and give a proper response to Luna, who has begun gently waving her wing in front of me. “There are so many ways that question could be answered, that any particular one would be as equally frustratingly unsatisfactory. That said, I’ll try anyways: Do you mean that clinically or figuratively?”

“I just thought that you appear rather tired. There aren’t any more on-hoof topics that specifically require my presence for the court to settle.” She doesn’t react to my response as much as she continues on. “I thought that maybe you and I should retire for the night. It is approaching morning time after all.”

I sigh, spurring on bloodflow into my legs and getting up from Celestia’s throne as I stretch. “Yeah, sure.”

Luna excuses herself to the currently gathered ponies and I follow behind her. I’m still a tad fuzzy-minded, and I don’t notice where she’d lead me until I realize we’re in her bedroom. She moves to the bed and I feel like I should stay standing where I am. “Uh, I uh... Should I really be sleeping here?”

She chuckles and pats the bed with a wing, in what I assume is an inviting motion. “It’s perfectly alright with me. Besides, you’ve already been on it before.”

“Under entirely different circumstances.” I point out. “I mean... I appreciate the gesture, but I’m not sure if I can accept this kind of... uh...”

“It can be rather frustrating to be your ally.” Luna says, and I can hear the sigh in her voice. “You prefer to have others support you, yet you dislike being dependant. You wish for various forms of comfort, yet you refuse it when it’s offered.”

I stay where I am, holding a hand to my shoulder and lowering my eyes, hoping she’ll catch the body language. “Yeah, I get it. I emphasize the ‘moron’ in oxymoron. Not like stating my problems out loud will make them any better.”

Luna is quiet but keeps her gaze on me, so I break eye contact and she sighs. “I suppose it is for myself. The more I assert what your problems are, the clearer it is that you don’t truly know what you really want. Or rather, you get what you want but frequently dislike how you get it.”

“Can you... please stop?” I hang my head and let my arms drop. “There are enough people already that understand only enough to hurt me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to... I want to understand much more than the bare minimum.” She pauses, recognizing her implications. “Not for the purpose of hurting you. I meant that...” She winces. “You’re right, let us stop. We should rest. I’m rather tired and you must be exhausted. Please, rest with me.”

I guess... it is a rather comfortable bed, likely more than what a guest room might have. I relent and walk over to lay down on the far end of the bed from Luna. I lift the covers over me and shift out of my clothes and... damn, her sheets are really soft once I feel them along my back properly. She might think that me disrobing is weird though. “Sorry, I don’t sleep well with my clothes on.”

Luna gives me a smiling look. “I don’t know a single pony who does.” She removes her tiara-crown-thing and various other pieces of her princess-wear, magicking them off to a spot in her room meant to hold them. I just drop my removed clothes to the floor beside the bed. Luna slips under the covers and there’s luckily a good bit of space between us, so we aren’t touching each other. As comfy as this is and generous as she’s being, I’m not sure it would be a good idea to have that kind of relationship with her even if I wanted it. Which I don't.

I get a brief flash of an image in my head. A woman I don’t know, with long dark hair and very cool grey-green eyes to match a warm genuine smile, and a necklace with a pendant of- Is that supposed to be Luna?! Where did this come from?! I suppress the urge to turn over and look at her. It’s just some crazy imaginary garbage. But familiar all the same, like I actually saw this woman somewhere. I scrunch up, shifting further away from Luna, unsure what spurred on this memory I don't recall having. She’s beautiful... the woman not Luna.

Geez- Eh? I feel the covers cinch up to my neck, but I didn’t touch them. Did Luna just... tuck me in?! What the fuck is going on?! If I bother her about it though, I’d have to talk about it, I can’t do that! Ugh, this is so frustrating, I feel absolutely wired and ready to collapse at the same time, maybe if I just close my eyes...

In my mind I see the pretty woman wrap a gentle arm around me and I feel so much calmer. Like a veil of sleep draping over me through the blankets. Everything untenses and I feel my anxiety fade into the darkness of Luna’s room. Fucking finally. I can... rest... now...

I hear someone talking and I’m immediately awake. Can’t sleep at all with people talking, hate being woken up like that. What discussion is so bloody important? I was warm and comfy, damnit.

“Luna? Are you awake yet?” Celestia’s voice; even worse. Damn alicorn. “There are a few things that weren’t able to be settled properly before Day court had to end. I wanted to talk with you about them before I went to dinner. Luna?”

I feel Luna stir a bit across from me. I could just let this play out, but now I’m pissed and want revenge. I slowly pull the covers off my upper body and sit up. The still air of Luna’s room is rather cool on my bare chest now that I’m not bundled up. Sitting up to stretch, I crick my neck and make eye contact with Celestia, holding the gaze long enough for her to get a very strange look on her face. Vengeance time, bitch. I lean over and give Luna a soft pat on her... whatever part of her is under the blanket. “Hey, Luna.” I whisper loud enough to be perfectly audible. “I’m still kinda exhausted from earlier, do you remember where I threw my pants?”

Luna rouses, but doesn’t respond immediately. I see Celestia somehow, through a sort of eldritch force that I couldn’t begin to comprehend, turn paler than her own snow-white coat. She makes some sort of gawking noise in her throat and wordlessly about-faces to leave the room, closing the door just carefully enough not to slam it shut. Good luck getting those kinds of images out of our head now, princess.

Luna rustles again and this time opens her eyes. “Hmmm, what? Oh, good evening, Anthony. Did you say something?”

“Yeah, Celestia showed up. Something about leftovers from Day court, but she left since you were still asleep.”

“Oh, no, I-” Luna yawns mightily. “I must convene with her. We should be on the... the same page.” She blearily rolls out of bed onto her feet and magicks her crown and peytral onto herself, though her crown is placed somewhat crookedly.

“I’ll see myself out.” I tell Luna, grabbing my clothes from where I distinctly recall dropping them and put them on as I get out of bed myself. Maybe I could leave my shirt off when I walk out of the room, just in case Celly stuck around... nah, if I lay it on too thick it might look suspicious. Or unsuspicious, rather.

Luna just nods and I leave, and I think about how I could spend the early evening. I watch Luna exit her room and down the hall towards where I figure Celestia’s room is, and she looks just a touch dishevelled in her haste.

I’m kinda hungry, actually. I wonder what’s for dinner. I wander about, eventually finding a hallway that looks vaguely familiar and I get my bearings. I find the kitchen I’d been to before, and then the dining area just off of it. I see a mare setting things up, and I wave a hand her way.

“Oh, hello.” She addresses politely, with a motion that seems to be a quadruped’s interpretation of a curtsey. “Were you going to eat with Princess Luna this evening?”

I figure that’s the best invitation for free dinner I could ask for and nod. “Yeah, she’s talking with Celestia about princess stuff. She’ll probably be here in a short while.”

The mare nods with a receptive smile. “Very well. I’ll get a place set up for you.”

I chuckle. “Well, that's certainly hospitable of you."

“Of course, any guest of the castle should be treated as such.” She insists and leaves, coming back and setting up some dinnerware for me. “There you are, we should be ready to serve dinner properly in a few minutes.”

“Thanks. Don’t feel like you need to rush or anything just because I’m here early.”

“Of course, Anthony.” She replies, giving another pony-curtsey as she exits. I gotta say, while it’s weird being a celebrity in this fashion.... It does come with some fairly nice privileges. I can just be here and it’s not weird or met with any kind of resistance, I’m just... accepted. I take a seat at the space prepared for me and look about at the table. Last time I was here, I was spending a morning with Celestia. I wonder if Luna eats as much. She probably does, and if that's the case then there should be plenty of food prepared for me to have a meal myself without having to boggart anything she actually needs.

Makes me question exactly what kind of nutrition one needs to magically move a significant celestial body... it does make sense that it would be a lot but... pony magic, how does it actually work? Like are there specific calorie requirements for different magical applications? Twilight would likely know, if I bothered to ask her.

A pair of ponies come out and begin laying general dinner foods onto the large table. They’re very quick and efficient, and soon the whole table is loaded up even though there’s only two ponies here. Must have lots of practice. Well, everything’s set up but I’m not that hungry, might as well wait for Luna to arrive.

The next pony to come through the door is Celestia though. Huh. She looks at me and while she doesn’t go super pale again, I can see just a small hint of tensed emotion in her eye. She’s fairly good at hiding her feelings compared to most, honestly. Either case, I can tell she’s not very enthused. “What’s up, Celly? Something bothering you?”

“No.” She answers easily.

“That shit works on your ponies, but not me. You’ve got a problem.” Celestia doesn’t change her expression at all but walks over to take her seat at a place that’s already prepared. “With me in particular, I infer.”

There’s a slight pause before she says “Not at all.” It’s very short, but present enough for me to notice.

“Celestia, why do you insist on insulting me? You’re not good at lying to me.” I roll my eyes as I begin selecting food to put on my plate, spotting a container of what seems to be a sort of vegetable stew. Eh, I should have more veggies anyways. I return to the conversation as I carefully ladle the stew onto my plate. “You don’t approve.”

She takes a breath and starts loading up her own plate. “I do not.”

“Not that it matters. Honestly, I don’t care if you do or not. Your sister and I are grown adults and can make whatever decisions we like. You have no say in the matter of what sorts of company either of us prefer to keep.”

“I’m aware.” She replies shortly, trying to focus her attention on the spread of food rather than me.

“Not that you have anything to worry about. There isn’t actually anything for you to disapprove of.” I say as I take a bite of the stew. Hmm, this is an interesting taste. Some sort of squash, perhaps? A hint of confusion washes across Celestia’s face and I chuckle as I see it quickly pass, deciding to clarify. “Nothing happened between Luna and I last night, er, day. I actually kept a very respectful physical distance.”

“Then what was that about, earlier?” Celestia asks, narrowing her eyes as she gives up on avoiding eye contact.

“I’ve told you before, haven’t I? The only entertainment I can get from you is by watching you react to your status quo being disrupted. I was woken up by a rather annoying mare, so I annoyed her back.” Celly sighs when I grin. I continue after another bite. “I’m a bit surprised you believed it. Did you seriously think that Luna of all ponies would lower her standards that far, and bed me when she could easily take her pick of any potential suitor that’d be over a dozen times more appropriate?” Celestia opens her mouth to respond but I cut her off. “Unless, perhaps, you somehow think I might actually be a proper enough lover for the Night Princess to take?”

“Not in the slightest. I was just caught off guard.” Celestia says sharply.

“Hmmm. So nice to have confirmation that I can rupture your stoicism with not much more effort than wanting to do so.” I smile warmly at her. “But truthfully, there isn’t anything between Luna and I. I’m already starting to, possibly, develop a relationship with Myrna. I wouldn’t ruin that for a single go around with your sister.”

“I suppose I was most easily convinced because she’s been showing plenty of interest in you. Not that sort of interest, but she certainly cares very much about you. Naturally she shares nothing about you with me, but you seem to be on her mind on a general basis.”

“I doubt it’s anything serious.” I say as I continue to eat. “I’d imagine it’s not much more than Twilight’s general curiosity.”

“I’m not sure it’s quite that shallow with my sister, but you have a point.” Celestia says, followed by a palpable pause. “You know, Twilight hasn’t really said much about her relationship with you. She’s reported mild changes in your behavior on some occasions but always in an impersonal way. It seems she’s not making much progress.”

My turn to pause. “Really? I mean if she’s reporting at all, doesn’t that count as progress?”

“She’d mentioned that she would make attempts to befriend you.” Celly clarifies. “But if she keeps writing about you in manners so different from the way she speaks of her friends I’d have to assume that you aren’t friends.”

“There are many things about each other we disagree with.” I say simply. “We can live together as housemates and we seem to do alright as companions but 'friendly' is not a word I’d use to describe our relationship.”

“Which is odd, honestly. You seem rather intelligent.” Celestia says, pausing to eat more. “I assumed you two would get along very well.”

“Why the fuck does everyone like to talk about how smart I am? Gets to the point where it seems like that’s the only compliment that I can be given.” I grump. “Yeah I’m intelligent, generally moreso than I’m given credit for in my opinion, but there’s a shitload more to me than that.” I think on that, which gives me an idea. I make direct eye contact with Celesta to emphasize importance. “Here’s an experiment. Give me a sincere compliment. Without bringing up how smart you think I am, tell me something about myself you find admirable, appealing or appreciating.”

Celestia’s eyes get a look in them as if she’d bite her lip, were she not disposed towards apparent neutrality.

“Go ahead.” I prod again, keeping my voice stern. “Name something about me you think positively of. Don't get all pensive over a simple request.”

Celestia doesn’t take nearly as much time to think as I thought she would. “Assuming you don’t consider it part of intelligence, you are very perceptive.”

“No, perception is a wisdom skill.” I jest, knowing she won’t understand the joke. “Anyways, how about a bit more detail on that?”

She nods. “You aren’t easy for me to lie to, and you’ve shown that almost every time we’ve talked. I’ve always had to keep a mask of indifference on. If I show too much anger or worry, it will impact my subjects. I’d thought I’d perfected hiding myself. Then I met you. You’re so different from the ponies. You showed me that I’m not nearly as disguised as I thought. One such as yourself that has not already decided to trust what I say and do... you proved that if somepony ever had sufficient doubt and looked carefully enough, they would see right through me.” She sighs. “It worried me quite a lot, to be honest. I have been running a nation for so long, with everypony in it looking up to me, I need to seem fair and unbiased. I can’t appear to show favoritism of any sort, nor can I show weakness.”

“As if anyone could avoid playing favorites. Everyone has something that weakens them.” I say plainly. “To believe that anyone is perfectly impervious is a great folly. Everyone has fears and biases. That is a fact. You’re only so effective because the ponies decide to trust you. They purposefully let you fool them. I do not.”

“Which is rather refreshing in a way.” Celestia admits. “I can’t lie to you easily, so I don’t feel it necessary to put forth the effort to do so... most of the time.”

I nod. “Truly effective liars don’t have to put in effort. If you do, then you haven’t really understood deceit. A proper liar weaves their misinformation into a conversation flawlessly, and with the personal conviction that it is the new truth they want to create in the recipient. Instead, you actively decide to directly lie and have that lie take precedence, making it that much more obvious. You don’t want to lie, but you do anyway.”

“Exactly.” Celestia sighs, looking down at her plate. “As uncomfortable as it is to have you frequently remind me how fragile my façade is, it also reminds me how much I wish I didn’t need it at all. Being so different from ponies, you don’t have the same predispositions or prejudices. You doubt me, you demand I clarify my statements, you treat me like you would everypony else.”

I stay silent and make a gesture urging her to go on. She smiles a bit in response.

“You see the world so differently, through a lens of aggression and low tolerance. You don’t compromise unless you have to. You are unimpressed by grandeur, especially from those considered ‘above you’. Your viewpoints are shocking and disturbing to others, primarily because those views are so alien to them. My ponies have no taste for violence or threats, and they react so strongly when they experience it. You’re disruptive, and that can be very problematic. Perhaps if you weren’t so mean-spirited, I think you could teach them a lot.”

“Sometimes I think of myself as trying to teach them, other times I just get fed up with them. The disconnect is too large, and they insult me and my views without even trying.” I lay down my spoon, the stew finished. “You’re similar, but in a different manner. You insult me just by being you. However, if we can accept the mutual disagreements for what they are, then we could probably avoid each other’s philosophies and continue without escalation. Though for that to happen, your ponies would need to cease their insisting of your immaculacy and superiority. They never use the exact words, but I can clearly see that they view you as a divine of sorts. I can understand what created that mentality, but that does not give it proper excuse. I don’t foresee us getting along, honestly. I understand that you’re trying to even things out between us, but I refuse to commend you simply for an attempt.”

“Which is reasonable.” Celestia says with a sigh. “I’m sorry that their culture rubs you the wrong way, and I’m not entirely fond of the way they idolize me, but I need a small amount of... idolatry in order to have the right leverage to lead them properly.”

I cross my arms, delivering a sour gaze. “Of course. What better social and political leverage is there than having a vast majority willingly accept you as nigh-deific?”

“They really could learn so much from you...” Celestia says quietly. After a bit of silence she stands away from her seat, and I notice that she’s cleared a good third of the food from the table while we’ve talked. I hadn’t even noticed until now. That’s impressive. “I’ve eaten, and you’ve given me more than enough to think about tonight. If you plan on staying, I can have a guest room prepared for you.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll stick around. I’ve got a few days before I’m needed at work, might as well get a change of scenery.” Celestia nods as she exits. A minute after she’s gone, Luna comes in. “Where were you?”

“Just outside the dining hall.” Luna replies. “You seemed to be having a civil conversation with my sister, and I thought I should let you connect with her rather than interrupt. Though now I’m fairly hungry.”

“How much did you hear, exactly?” I ask, as I look for something else to eat.

Luna bows her head ever so slightly. “I did not hear anything at all. I thought it best to let you have a properly private conversation. I do hope you’ll get along better.”

I shrug. “I believe that we’ve come to an understanding regarding our mutual distaste for one another. We stay out of each other's way, and remain professionally civil unless matters change.” I say as I continue scanning the table for more to eat, and now there’s less to decide between. “Also, I’ve been offered a guest room. I’ll be staying in Canterlot for a few more days.”

“That is... progress, I suppose.” Luna says with a hint of disappointment. She wants Celestia and I to get along, it seems. “Having you around more would be pleasant.”

“At least you think so.” I reply as I notice a pie of some sort. I’d like some pastry about now. I carefully move the slice to my plate, preparing my knife and dessert fork. “Celestia is likely still acclimating to not being considered the favorite by default. I’m sure her ego will be bruised enough. I’m rather curious what her id looks like, to be honest.”

“That is the reason you enjoy pestering her so much?” Luna questions. “You wish to see her... what, exactly?”

“Id.” I repeat with clearer enunciation. “It’s a psychological thing, I won’t bore you with details if you don’t want them. In short, the id is the concept of one’s rawest 'urge'. What they personally feel on a base and simple level. I wonder... Does an immortal of her nature really differ so much from regular folk, when all the complications are stripped away? I can’t get a straight answer from her on that, so pressure is required. As for if that’s why I pester her, no. Not entirely, at least. Mainly I just like poking things until something happens. It’s the only real way to know where a given person’s metaphorical invisible line is drawn.”

“So you torment her in order to get to know her?” Luna cocks her head in confusion. “That doesn’t seem very appropriate.”

“I’ve been called inappropriate my entire life.” I say as I carefully cut a small piece of the pie, and give it a taste. What I thought was a form of cherry was actually raspberry. Very tart, well made. At least the kitchen staff know what they’re doing. “If that's all they want to see of me, then who am I to argue? I’m the inappropriate one, after all. What does my say matter?” A silence falls over the table, and in a few seconds it starts getting stale so I break it. “But enough about me. You don’t talk much about yourself. You’ve mentioned past tragedy, some of which I’ve heard a fair amount, but that can’t be all there is to your life. We’re all more complicated than that, I hope.”

“I... hmm...” She has a few false starts. “What would you like to know, exactly?”

Taking another bite of the pie, I gesture towards her lightly with my knife. “Whatever you want to tell me. I’m trying to make a conversation about you, not have you answer my questions.”

“Oh. Well, if I am speaking honestly, nopony asks anything important about myself aside from my sister, and she already knows nearly all I could tell. Ponies who don’t know me have not vocally desired to hear much at all. I haven’t even fully introduced myself in quite a while, either.”

“Yes, being a nationally and possibly worldly-recognized figure might have that downside. Not that I’d know.” I snark. “But come on, give it a try. Let’s take the princess stuff out of the way and get to know Luna, hmm?”

Luna shifts her gaze from me in what I assume is bashful body language. “I’m sorry, but as much as I’d like to keep talking with you, I have plenty of things I need to do. I have too much responsibility to simply ‘take out the princess stuff’. Perhaps in the morning if we are not overtired?”

I slouch back in my seat and refocus on my pastry. “Alright, go on then. Don’t keep your public waiting on my behalf.”

“That sounded a bit insulting, the way you said that.” Luna says, seeming unsure of how upset she should be. “Was that an insult?”

“Not an insult, annoyed condescension.” I clarify, I motion with my hand for her to move on. “Don’t worry about it, just do whatever ya gotta do. Seeya in the morning.”

Luna nods and stands, her magically-flowing mane and tail undulating gently in a nonexistent breeze as she leaves me alone in the dining room. It’s really quiet in here. Ah well, at least I have pie.

Jump to top

Chapter 64

It seems the guard force has cycled back to the batlike ponies now that it’s nighttime again. Checking around the guest room they took me to, it seems very large. So spacious. It’s just a guest room; who could possibly need this much open area for a temporary stay? It’s not like it’s for ambassadorial purposes or anything, right? Either case, it comes with a huge amount of space, and fairly fancy-looking furnishings. That bed is large enough for more than one of me, so that’s a plus. A balcony, to boot. Wow, I can actually see a good chunk of Canterlot from here. I stay a decent distance away from the railing and... actually Canterlot appears rather different at nighttime. I’m not that tired either. I’ve seen the castle, but never the city itself at night. Might be worth a bit of adventure.

Leaving the castle, I trade a nod with one of the night guards as I exit through the front gate. I wonder what sorts of things I could find to pass the time with. It’s a fair bit past sunset so all the stores and restaurants I pass are closed. Some places have lights on, but not many. There’s the occasional guard, flying overhead and passing on. Guess even the capital city needs patrolling.

The night is figuratively young, might as well see what’s around. Some places do have lights on inside of them but they look residential, and I’m not gonna just go knocking on strangers’ front doors a couple hours before midnight.

Huh, that place looks interesting. It doesn’t look particularly fancy by Canterlot standards, since it seems mostly made of wood. I get up close and I think I hear someone speaking, though I can’t make out what is being said. I make for the door and duck as I let myself in. I close the door behind me and straighten up a bit to look around. Not a very big establishment, a standing area for some ponies to gather and a raised section in the back with slightly more lighting and a pony up on what is definitely a stage of some sort. The speaking hasn’t stopped and I can now note rhythmic tones to the speech. Is this a poetry club or something?

Some ponies must have noticed me come in, because a cluster of them turn around to see me. A few turn their noses up, a few look surprised. Usual mixed response as always. The pony onstage looks a bit perturbed but keeps going. Not bad, definitely some sort of poetry thing, purely oratory and seems to be all off-the-cuff. Rambling, but with an implied subtext of ‘art’. The pony onstage finishes and steps down, now approaching me. I’ll give her initiative.

“What brings you here?”

I shrug and look back around the place. “Didn’t know what this place was. Figured I could spare the time to check it out.”

“I see...” The mare replies dryly. “Well, did you find what you’re looking for already?”

“What is there to look for, here?” I ask simply.

“Do you have no respect for the art of poetry?” another pony asks from the crowd.

I turn in the direction of the voice and reply. “Of course I do. Though I’m not fond of interruptive interjections.” I return my attention to the mare who was onstage. “Back on track, this is just a poetry corner? You own this place, or are you the main event?”

“I happen to be both.” the mare replies quickly. “Do you not know who I am?”

“I don’t care to, really.” I say.

“Hmph, you say you admire art, yet you snub your nose at true artists.” She says with a flick of her tail that seems to indicate displeasure.

She’s gonna randomly flatter herself over art? Let’s ruffle some artsy fur. “The art should be many depths more important than the artiste.” I reply, adopting a challenging tone. “That’s just common knowledge. Art is eternal. Art transcends the time allotted to the flesh that produced it. If the artist is more important than the art itself, then clearly the art is inherently sub-par. I offer no accolade to a person who created something unless they have deserved it through the quality of what they created. To believe that one’s name has any weight in comparison to that which they have gifted to the world and will ultimately be outlived by is a horrendous folly and a sign of one’s ego being more important to that one than anything they have designed.” I cross my arms and plant my feet as I look back at her. “Do you, miss, have any respect for art?”

The crowd is quiet, but I hear a chuckle from someone. The mare before me is fuming, but it’s clear she knows that if she loses her cool, I’ll have won by default. She gives me a judgemental glare. “If you are so informed of the true nature of art, then surely you will be more than capable of wowing us all, yes?” She gestures to the small stage. “Go on, impress us all with your incredible oratory talent.”

“I will impress this gathering as best I’m able.” I give her a sneer. “But you... I do not see a need to impress you in the slightest. Let other admirers of art be my judge, not those who wish only to see me fail.” I smile wider as I hear some more short chuckles from the crowd, and I make my way up to the platform.

I know exactly the kind of melodramatic emo stuff that attendees of these sorts of venues just can’t get enough of. Tragedies of love tend to be rather popular, I could just take my position with Myrna and dramatize the hell out of it. Flip the ‘wangst’ switch and crank up the ‘bullshit’ dial. I clear my throat and begin, doing my best to look and sound despaired.

“Love! Why is it so estranged from me? Why must my heart ache so, yet remain unrequited? All I’ve lost, now surrounded by things I do not understand or admire, save for one. One beautiful soul, full of laughter and friendship, one whose gaze can both turn me to stone and set me afire as suits her desires... and yet I cannot say. She will never know if I lack the courage to show her my own soul. Is it because I fear her? No. No! It is because I fear myself! I fear what she might say. If I am to be rejected, then what else is there for me? If my last bastion of light and passion refuses me, what good comes of going on without it?” I take a knee to overemphasise the drama further. “There is nothing! And there lies the tragedy itself, the agonizing truth that comes with the question: why should she accept me? She shant, for her own good! Our outward appearances reflect as opposites of ourselves and one-another for I am the cold-blooded one, the one seeking comfort and warmth... her visage a monster to all who see, and myself a crueller monster apparent to none! My heart was stone long before I could let her see it, and were I to give it to her would she truly warm me? Even if she was to embrace my passion, who is to say that she would lift me up afore being dragged down to me? The devils I’ve danced with are not ones that she need be worried with, my demons a fright that she’s escaped once yet. To hurt her in such a way would surely be a most frightful thing. So I resist, I refuse to terrorize her! Even as I practice every word to tell her how I ache for her, I halt myself before they leave my lips.” I’ve moved on to shaking a fist at the air above me as I stay partially knelt. “For her own good, I shall never reveal that there is no good to be had from myself. I shan't corrupt her beauty with my pain. Even as I burn inside my breast, I know that deeper down I am cold and dark. There is no need for her to care for one such as myself. I shall not approach further, I refute my greed! As sweet as her love may be, I cannot sour her with mine. And so stays the agony of loneliness, even as she stays beside me. Touching me, yet not feeling me. Seeing me, but never knowing me. I would protect her from the horrors that may await her, especially that which lies in the farthest depths of my desire. Burn on, flame of passion! Burn on, only to be fueled by imagination, never to be fulfilled! But if she were to reach first... if she were to ask first, what then? Could I refuse her, if she looked upon me with the same desire? Would my judgement leave me, would my sight fog long enough to accept her? If she spoke to me the words I’ve agonized to tell her, would I risk her joy? Would I dare to let her try matching my heart to hers before mine could corrupt? I shall never know the answer for sure, for my fear locks me in place, leaving me with the bitter sting of uncertainty. Maybe... maybe... maybe...” I let the silence hang in the air for a bit before I stand up and look about the gathering of ponies. I really hope that was corny enough.

It stays quiet for a bit longer but eventually I hear rhythmic clopping of hooves, they’re lightly stomping the ground in a pattern that seems to be emulating the clapping of hands. The sounds get louder as more of them join in, and I assume that this is their method of applause. Well, I feel satisfied so I take a short bow and walk off the stage. The mare from before walks up to me and looks rather impressed. I don’t bother with looking back at her, I just wave behind me as I duck out the doorway onto the streets of Canterlot. That was some cheap fucking cheese back there. I should be awarded a medal for not facepalming in the middle of it, that’s the real acting. I need to shake this off, find a distraction.

So, what else does the capital city have to offer those awake for its nightlife? Surely there has to be more than a poetry corner whose attendees favor pretentiousness over real talent. I mean, I suppose there was that club I found before, where I met Vinyl Scratch. Haven’t seen or heard from her in a while. But I can’t figure out how to get there from here, it was a pretty long time ago and this part of the city is unfamiliar to me. Ah well, guess I’ll just continue looking for places to spend time. Just gotta keep track of where I’ve been so I can get myself back to the castle.

Not a whole lot to see, honestly. There’s nobody wandering the streets except me. I’m used to seeing Canterlot as a very busy place, but at night it seems ponies are either at home or already got to whatever establishment they were going to spend their evening at. I’m the only one around who’s aimless and indecisive. There’s got to be somewhere to enjoy myself, right? I even have a little money this time around, so that widens my options somewhat, but I don’t feel like shopping at all.

I round a corner and further down the street I see a very nondescript building. It’s so nondescript it stands out like a... well, like a bland and uninteresting building on a block of pricey-looking housing and businesses. The lights are on, and I see some ponies in a short line waiting to get inside. So it’s clearly got traffic particularly at this hour, in contrast to the rest of the whole street. Might as well check it out. I'll wait for the line to thin, first. I haven’t seen any ponies come out yet though, so it’s not a matter of capacity, but perhaps some sort of exclusivity? Might as well get in line now that it’s down to only two more. Going up to the building I see that one of the ponies I thought was in line is actually waiting by the door and another mare being sized up in some fashion before she’s allowed inside.

Guess I’ll find out what’s in here soon enough since I’m next in line, and obviously the bouncer mare sees me coming. Once I’m closer, I see that the mare’s wearing some kind of vest with a bowtie. She looks me over and seems to be thinking to herself, staying silent. Doesn’t take long for her to nod with a small smile and I nod in return as she gestures with her head towards the open door. I duck under the door frame as usual and the place is rather interesting. It’s like a lounge of sorts, dim lighting fills the room with a maroon hue. They’re using stained glass as a filter for candles and other sources of moderate-sized flames, making everything have a reddish tint. They must be burning incense, as there are some cloying smells floating about as I walk around. I don’t recognize any of the smells, but they aren’t unappealing, just not my ‘flavor’. There are a few ponies carrying waiter trays with cocktails on them, so this is clearly a place for adults; the bouncer probably screens for minors, then. There’s also a bunch of open booths with plush-looking couches and tables, while others have lounges as a cushy place to lay down. The majority of ponies are hanging around those areas. A few are talking quietly with each other at their tables, but aside from the minglers there’s almost no noise, so it’s very quiet. For a place that seems very keen on atmosphere, there’s no music at all. Odd, but not a bother to me.

I glance at one of the waiter ponies and consider buying a drink, but I might save that for later. I suppose there are worse places to spend a night. I find one of the couch-and-table spots that are empty and sit down. This is pretty comfy, actually. Might be a bit moreso if the seats were farther out, but not unappealing. I look around and see ponies sipping drinks and chatting quietly with one another. There don’t seem to be many that are alone, just about everyone in a group of two or three. I see a quartet over near the middle but it’s the only one here.

One of the waiter ponies comes up to me. “Hello there, are you wanting anything particular?” Hard to tell what exact color his fur is supposed to be in this tinted lighting. It’s that way with all the ponies in here, now that I think of it.

I shake my head. “No thank you, not at the moment.”

“Of course. If you make a decision or would like a menu just let one of us know.” and he walks off. With a warm shade of red on everything and those faint scents in the air, it just feels very hazy. Possibly romantic, if it would fit your tastes in that way. I just keep looking about, and it’s pretty relaxing, honestly. The fact that it’s all fire-lit makes the whole place feel cozy. The smells are foreign but starting to grow on me, and the quiet is nice. As partial as I am to music, it certainly feels like the atmosphere would be hindered by it, the theme here seems to be subtlety. Just a warm, quiet cozy place to unwind. How many times have I used the word ‘cozy’ already? My vocabulary is rarely that bland. Ah well, not important. It’s nice here. This is nice...

I take a deep breath and I feel a bit more relaxed. Maybe I will order a drink, but I’m not really sure what to have. I come out of my spacing and see a pony approaching slowly. Once they get close I can see it’s a mare by the shape of her snout, though I still can’t discern her coat color. She closes more of the distance, stopping once she’s at the table.

“Hello there.” she greets lightly. “You’re that human, right? Antony?”

I feel my insides flare up a bit at the hard ‘T’ sound but I recover quickly. Just a mistake needing correction, that’s all. “Anthony. Yeah, that’s me.”

“My, how exotic.” She says, almost sounding like a sigh. “Would you mind if I bought you a drink?”

I could refuse her quickly, but I don’t think she’s earned me being rude just yet, though I’m not going to let this go the way she thinks. “I might not mind at all.”

She giggles. “Oh? Well, what would you not mind having?”

I rub my chin with the back of my hand. “Let’s start with water, before I accept anything harder from strangers.”

She smiles and holds a forehoof to her... chest? Whatever the term is for the front end of a pony, below the neck. “Really? You get a free drink at a nice mare’s expense and you don’t make her spend a single Bit on you? My, you’re interesting, aren’t you?”

“I am interesting.” I answer the rhetorical question. “According to most I’ve met, at least.”

She smiles and leaves briefly to talk to a waiter before coming back. “Well, I was hoping to invite you to the booth my friends were at, but now I’m hoping that maybe just myself might be enough company for now.”

“Anything is possible.” I say. She’s flirty, but doesn’t seem bad. Makes sense, this place certainly seems like the kind of locale to take a date or find one. I’ll humor her for now, but if she’s got friends here then she won’t have her night ruined if she’s dismissed by the ‘interesting and exotic’ human.

“It certainly is. Would you mind if I sat with you?”

“Go ahead.” She accepts my response and sidles around to sit at the table beside me. There’s still some room between us, so at least she’s respecting my personal space. She’s being really nice, honestly. I feel kinda bad for her that she’s spending this kind of effort on a guy with zero interest. “So you clearly know my name, what’s yours?”

“Hmmm.” She ponders for a moment before grinning flirtatiously. “Maybe I’ll tell you if I decide you’re worth it.”

Oh, she wants to play that game, does she? “Well, so far I’m worth about six minutes and a glass of water. So at least you’ve got higher standards than that.”

“Why wouldn’t I have higher standards than that? You expect them to be lower?” She asks curiously, though I can tell she’s having some fun.

“I’ve had mares come up to me and ask for dates with barely more than a shallow introduction. Not to mention the letters I receive from both mares and stallions that contain various and sometimes explicit invitations.” I shrug. “Either they think I’m easy, or they’re the easy ones themselves.”

“Well, I don’t mind a bit of challenge. Besides, it’s good to know that I’m already a cut above average.” She crows.

“Average is easy to rise above.” I state plainly. “Being exceptional is an overrated achievement.”

“But slaying monsters isn’t.” she adds quickly.

“Ah, is that it? You’re interested in the great hero, savior of ponies and thwarter of dreadful evils?” I reply, hoping she catches the derision in my voice.

“What if I said it was because I thought you looked lonely and could use some company?” the mare suggests and I have to chuckle. “A clever, charming and famous stallion like you, in a place like this all alone? I had to do something.”

“Stallion?” I question pointedly. “I’m not a stallion. I am a man. I don’t happen to be a pony, you see.”

She retreats a bit at her mistake. “I do see. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had your own word. I hope I haven’t insulted you.”

A waiter comes by and places two glasses of water on the table, supported by coasters. I lift my drink and smell it to make sure it doesn’t have anything in it. I don’t smell anything but the faint scents that are around the room already, so I figure it’s safe and take a drink. Mmm, I guess I wasn’t as thirsty as I thought. “No more insult than every other pony who’s applied their race-specific equine-based adjectives to me. I’m used to it, but it bears correction.”

“Of course. I’m sorry, it’s just odd for somepony in Canterlot to-”

“Someone” I interject. “I’m not a pony.”

“R- right. Oh, I’m making a mess of this, aren’t I?” She says bashfully.

“No big deal.” I wave it off. “It’s not like you’re used to dealing with aliens. I assume that’s what you were meaning to say.”

She just nods and takes a sip of her water. I see another mare walk up to the table and start talking to my ‘company’. “Ammy? Ammy, is he coming with us?”

I look to the mare I’d been talking with and grin. “Ammy, huh? So that’s your name. Friend of yours, I assume.”

‘Ammy’ looks perturbedly at her friend. “Glitter, seriously? I was making progress here.”

“Progress? You said you were gonna try inviting him over to us, and it looks like you’re bogarting him.” ‘Glitter’ says exasperatedly, as if I am a possession to be bogarted in the first place. “Come on, just invite him over. Maybe show a bit of flank and he’ll-”

‘Ammy’ puts a hoof over her friend’s mouth and laughs. “Oh don’t mind her, she’s just a bit desperate is all.”

‘Glitter’ pushes ‘Ammy’s hoof away. “No way, Saffy is the desperate one. You said you were gonna get us all a catch to share, and it looks like you’re barely trying.”

I have a few ideas of how to respond to this, but I settle on my decision easily. “Don’t mind me, ladies. I’m just sitting here, being treated like I’m not entirely within earshot of everything.”

‘Glitter’ shakes her head and her mane loosens a bit, with a look in her eyes that I’m not too keen on. “Sorry about Amethyst. She’s kinda boring sometimes, so we can leave her behind if you want. How about this offer? You come with me, and there’ll be two mares more than willing to blow off your steam.” She draws her tongue slowly across her lip, leaving no question to her hinting.

Amethyst lays her cheek on the table and sighs in exasperation. “I’m so sorry, Glitter is from Fetlock, she’s not one for tact. Countryfolk, you know? Not a spit of manners to them, right? Heh...”

I frown at both of them. “Countryfolk aren’t a problem, there are plenty of well-mannered ponies in Ponyville... where I live.” I’ve found by now that most of Canterlot considers Ponyville the dirtiest of dirt-towns, and this is reflected in Amethyst looking horrified at realizing her unintended insult. “As for you, miss Glitter... that may work on stallions, but men like myself have standards. It takes more than implied fellatio to make me walk off with a group of mares I’ve never met before and whose names I only learned via accidental conversation I wasn’t part of.”

“Oh, you’ll have plenty of time to learn our names, mister Antony.” Glitter continues unaffected. This time, getting the name wrong ticks me off. “Come on, show some nice mares a good time. I promise you’ll enjoy it.”

I take another drink of water to cool off my temper and stand up to leave. “Evidence proves that is a promise you couldn’t possibly keep.” I state sharply as I push past Glitter and address her better-mannered friend one last time. “It was mostly nice meeting you, Amethyst.” I take my leave and I can hear Amethyst groan loudly behind me. I feel kinda bad for her, her only insults were entirely unintended and she was clearly trying to be nice... well, now she’s learned a valuable lesson about minding the company she keeps. Today’s episode was brought to you by the number five.

I won’t stand being in the same place as them, so I guess that’s the end of my time here. I make my way back to the castle. It’s a trek and a half, but I’m past the gate and walking to where my assigned room is. Guess a staff member noticed my attitude, because a serving mare asks if I’d like anything. I’m about to decline but considering I’ve had a calm relaxing night very abruptly ruined... “If it won’t be any trouble or cost anything, I’d like some scotch and ice brought to my room.”

She nods. “Of course, sir. Any particular preference for variety?”

“Nothing expensive, I don’t care beyond that.” I say, and realize I sound rather snippy. “Sorry if I’m being short, I’m not mad at you or anything.”

“It’s no problem at all.” The mare says with a warm smile. “I’m sure you’d like to destress. I’ll have somepony come by and bring you the scotch. Have a good evening.”

I nod. “Yeah, you too. Thanks.”

I resume my walk up to the room and I’m only inside for a few minutes when there’s a knock on the door. I call for them to come in and a different mare enters and leaves a tray with a small bottle of booze and a lowball glass on a table by the door, another one bringing a small pail of ice. “Is there anything else you’d like, sir?”

I’m still perturbed by being called that in such a setting. “Yeah, tell the staff to not call me ‘Sir’ so much, just ‘Anthony’ is fine. I’m not one for titular pleasantries.”

“Of course. I apologize on our collective behalf if we upset you.” One of the servers says. “You just call if there is anything else you desire.”

I nod, and that’s enough to dismiss them. I plonk a couple of ice chunks into the glass and pour the scotch over them. I look at the shallow liquid and figure there’s no harm in indulging. I pour a couple more ounces worth. I wonder if this is enough to make me count as an alcoholic, even though I’ve only gotten drunk once in my entire life. Can’t even remember enough to know how I was convinced I should push my limit. It’s been quite the night. At least all that crap has tired me out. Between that and my triple-sized nightcap, I should be sleeping through the rest of it just fine.

I sigh as I tip the glass over my lip and stare out the closed glass door to the balcony. It’s rather nice out, actually. Not nice enough to want to go out again, maybe tomorrow, but... It’s interesting being in such a large and opulent room, able to look down on the highest-class citizenry of the whole nation. I don’t belong in Equestria in general... but I especially don’t belong here. It just doesn’t fit me. I sigh again, knowing that I won’t argue with how well I’m being treated, much as I would prefer the treatment to be much less formal. The moon is starting to go down, I should probably try to sleep once I’ve finished.

Tomorrow is another day...

Jump to top

Chapter 65

I wake and shove my covers aside. Might as well get up today before I decide otherwise. At least this guest room bed is large enough that I can swing my feet off the bed. I pop my neck and look at the undrawn curtain to the balcony. Might as well see what the damage is.

I go up and wince in anticipation of bright light, but upon drawing the curtain I look out and see that it’s a few hours from sunset. I slept away that whole day? Well, thank goodness for small favors, I suppose. Really should fix my sleep schedule though. As much as the night is easier to deal with, now that I’m getting sleep again I need to use it responsibly. I have a job to get back to in a few days. Need to be there, awake and able.

Been a while since I cleaned up, might as well take advantage of this place having a private washroom. I walk in and... Admittedly the whitestone theme works a lot better for a fancy bathroom than every room and all the hallways in this entire castle.

Should probably give my clothes a wash while I’m at it. I figure out how to turn on the hot water, and start soaping and scrubbing at my clothes. It’s not as easy without a machine or a washing board but... use what you got. Might as well get started on myself as well. Since I don’t have to worry about anyone possibly needing to use it after me or any sort of water bill, there’s no reason not to take the chance to cover the full nine yards.

A bath might have been nicer than a shower now that I think of it, but it’s not really that important. All that’s left is washing my hair. I’ll probably need to shampoo six times to get it clean enough.

By the time I feel like I’ve shed a kilogram worth of dirt, and scrubbed my skin down to the dermis all over my entire body, I figure I’m as clean as I can be. I certainly feel neater than I have in... however long I’ve been here. Hate how dirty I get from going outside so often, but there’s nothing to do indoors most of the time.

I catch sight of a mirror and reflexively look away... I should probably get used to what I look like. Haven’t really seen myself without clothes in a while. Barely recognize this figure. I actually don’t look so bad. I guess doctors I’ve seen are right... If I spent more time being active and upright I’d get in shape quickly. Still feels weird, though. My legs and arms... even my stomach and chest don’t look like they belong to me, at least in the way I envision myself.

I turn away from the mirror and put my clothes back on. I even take some time to brush my hair, which is possible again now that it’s not suffused with grime. Hate how long it is, but at least I can try to shape it somewhat.

Hungry. Should see if there’s anything to eat. Hopefully dinner’s still available. Making my way down from the guest room/tower and through the castle to the dining hall, I see that there are still some of the regular guards in gold armor stationed about, so it seems the night shift hasn’t begun yet. They pay me little more mind than I do them and I continue on through the last of the large doorways

“You’re up early this evening.” I hear Celestia say as I walk in, and I see her already at the table.

I roll my eyes as I take the seat across from her. “What can I say? There’s so little to appreciate about the daytime, it may as well be spent sleeping.”

“I see. I’m sorry you feel that way.” She replies calmly, continuing to eat.

I look for something to eat myself, and as usual the table is laid out with all kinds of options. Then I realize I don’t have a place set for me. I sigh and get up to go check the attached kitchen. Inside are a couple ponies in appropriate clothing clearing up various pots and pans. One of them notices me and walks over. “Good evening. Is there something I can help you with?”

“I just need a plate and some utensils.” I explain.

“Ah, I apologize, we’re not used to anypony eating at this hour aside from the princesses, we didn’t anticipate you would dine with them.”

I wave a hand. “No problem. I just slept late is all.”

“We’ll set a place for you.” She nods to another pony and gestures to me, the other pony nodding and moving for a cupboard.

“I can just carry the dishes myself.” I say, feeling awkward about the level of service. “But if you want to do it for me...”

“It’s no trouble, Anthony. You’re a guest, so we should show our hospitality. We’re not here just to serve the princesses, after all. The same is true for all of us here.” The mare smiles up at me.

I sigh. “Well, I suppose if it’s only while I’m here. I don’t want you all to feel like your jobs aren’t appreciated...”

Her smile widens. “Of course. You aren’t the only guest we’ve had who wasn’t used to being told they didn’t have to move a hoof. We all know very well how important we are, you don’t need to worry about insulting us.”

I nod. “That’s good. Knowing how important you are to others. Anyways, I’m gonna go get some dinner.”

The mare nods and the other pony she signalled before comes back. “Your tableware has been arranged.” What? I.. didn’t even see them leave!

“Thanks...” I turn back to the dining hall and there’s a spot laid down for me at a seat beside Luna, who’s here as well now. I have to wonder if this is intentional, like the service is engaging in some form of shipping... Ah well, it changes nothing even if they are.

“‘Tis nice to see you this evening, Anthony.” Luna says fairly cherfully. I just smile and sit down. “I was thinking you might sleep later like last night.”

“Eh, well... you know.” I look about the table for something appetizing to put on my plate. “I woke up, so I’m awake.”

“You certainly seem more put together than yesterday.” Celestia says. “I can’t tell why, but you just look...”

“Cleaner? Neater?” I suggest. “Yeah, I spent an hour or so washing up.”

“It’s done you well.” Luna compliments, and Celestia nods silently. “It is promising to see you are not entirely consumed by all of your bad habits.” Seriously? I know she didn’t mean to insult me, but damn...

I see some kind of dish that appears potato based, so I scoop some onto my plate. Luna’s comment still stings a bit, even moments after. “Well, don’t be expecting miracles. I saw the offering of as much hot water and soap as I could need and took it. I’m not dirty and disheveled all the time because I enjoy it.”

“I was not meaning to imply that you did...” Luna says, her tone suggesting she realized her misspeaking.

“Yeah well, what you mean to say is irrelevant. The only thing that ever matters is what others interpret from what you said. But I know you meant no insult.” I say, gesturing with a hand to indicate my not caring. Celestia has a look on her face that seems like ‘worry’. I’m past caring what she thinks of me, so I’ll ignore it and change the subject. “So, anything interesting going on in the world of equine politics?”

“Not exactly.” Celestia says, her expression neutralizing again. “Though I have heard some discussions amongst my court that pertain to you.” I quirk an eyebrow in her direction as I continue searching the table for something else that looks appealing. “There are and have been debates on if you count as an alien.”

I blink. “Really? They have to debate on whether or not a human being counts as alien in comparison to a bunch of fuzzy quadrupeds?”

“Not that sort of alien.” Celestia clarifies. “As in, if you count as a citizen of Equestria. You are obviously foreign but I’ve always considered you as Equestrian, but I suppose unless you decide that you are...” She trails off.

I shrug. “At this point, I live in a town that is well within Equestrian borders. I have no real intention of moving to another country right now. I have legitimate employment with an income that I assume part of is devoted to tax contribution. I don’t even have any nationality from anywhere else on their maps they could point at, since I’m from another world.”

“Those are good points.” Celestia says, nodding. “So you consider yourself Equestrian?”

I stare back at her. “Absolutely not. I’m only so entrenched with this place because it’s where I showed up by chance in the first place. If I were anywhere else from the beginning, I’d likely make a living there. Where I’ve set roots is not relevant to inherited citizenship.”

Luna cocks an eyebrow. “But... just a moment ago you said-”

“I’m saying that I could be, but I’m not. I’m still me, after all. I’m keeping my options open, and I’m not going to declare citizenship anywhere unless I know what crap I’d have to deal with as a result. Let them argue, and have none of them be right.”

“That... will not go over very well.” Celestia says, a hint of warning in her voice.

“So? That’s their problem. I’m not going to make definitive decisions about my lifestyle just to appease other people’s petty squabbles. Heck, they have this argument when I’m not even around.” I keep looking about the table and I note a small fish platter. I haven’t had meat in a while, I should probably eat it. I cut a chunk off of the smallest fish there and move it to my plate.

“You are quite resolute in maintaining neutrality.” Luna notes. “Is it difficult to make decisions?”

I take a bite of the fish. Normally I’m not a fan of seafood but this is fine. I should probably answer her. “It’s not difficult to make decisions. Neutrality is my decision. It means I have options open. I’m not choosing anything now, and I will choose when doing so benefits me. I’m not going to lock myself into a situation before I know if it would have negative consequences.”

Luna chuckles, covering her mouth with one of her hooves. “Perhaps your ideology isn’t as contrasted with my sister’s as you believe.”

I spear another bit of fish on my fork, filling in the blanks in Luna's statement easily and turning to Celestia. “Ahh, so the deific arbiter likes keeping loopholes around to suit her needs. Not surprising. The only thing better than getting to write the law, is writing the law on a moment-by-moment basis.”

Celestia frowns slightly. “I do not write or rewrite the law to suit my momentary whims. I-”

“You clarify them.” I finish for her. “That’s what you were going to say, right? You make fuzzy laws, and then when you need an easy ‘out’ you restate the rules with a clearer definition.” I grin. “Because that’s not changing or rewriting the rules... it’s improving them, specifically for your benefit.” I get a laugh out of just saying that aloud.

“That is none of your business... I’ve saved countless lives by controlling the word of the law, and I don’t appreciate you acting like what I’m doing is wrong.” Celestia says, and I’m certain she looks just a touch angry.

“Of course not. It can’t be wrong, because you just decided it isn’t.” I laugh again. “It’s rather funny. See, if I wound up the god-king of an entire continent, that’s effectively the same thing I’d do.” I prop my cheek up on my knuckles as I lean my gaze back in Luna’s direction. “Perhaps you’re correct. Maybe Celestia and I aren’t so different at the end of it all.”

Celly curls her lip just ever so slightly, almost like an illusion. “Yet I feel more insulted by such a revelation, instead of being accepted.”

I shrug and resume eating, pausing to continue the dialogue. “Everyone hates seeing how much like myself they are. You’re no different. They all hate the fact that, for all my impulsiveness and bad character, they can relate to me on some level. It’s just another thing I do to make people mad.”

“Why do you enjoy making others upset, exactly?” Celestia asks, and Luna leans in, showing interest in my answer. I take a few more bites, the two of them still waiting in silence. I eye them and smirk as I swallow.

Once I think I’ve made them wait impatiently long enough, I set my fork down. “I enjoy it because it’s the one thing I can do with anyone. I’ve always made folks around me unhappy, whether I want to or not. I’m unhappy, and everyone else is unhappy. The problem is that I was unhappy, and unhappiness isn’t very nice to live with. Why make myself miserable from upsetting others when I could get bits of joy from it? I can’t change other people, but I can change myself, so I switched to schadenfreude. Simple as that.”

“Your morals are...” Celestia trails off, clearly trying to find an adjective. “Unique.”

I scrape aside the bare remainders of the food on my plate, giving a simple reply. “You’re welcome.”

“For what, exactly?” Celestia asks, now looking sort of pensive, as if I just made a mild threat. It feels good.

“For keeping your dinner from being quiet and uninteresting. Meals without conversation are boring as fuck.” I stand away from the table and pick up my plate to take back to the kitchen. I make eye contact with Celestia and smile. “Sleep well.” Swap to Luna. “Have a good evening.”

“How one can be so passively captivating with an utter lack of charm is beyond me...” I hear Luna sigh behind me. Once my dishes are taken care of I’ll probably go out to Canterlot again, try a different part of town to see what else there is to be found.

I’m about to bring my dirty dishes to a large sink in the kitchen, but a servant pony takes them from me, insisting that bringing the dishes to the kitchen myself is thoughtful enough of a gesture. Feels so strange... but whatever. If they’re happy, then I suppose it’s alright.

I start down the path that’s quickest from where I am to the front door, but... what else could I find in Canterlot? It’s not as late as it was last night, does that change my options?

“Anthony. I would like to speak with you.” I hear Luna behind me.

“Don’t you have court to attend?” I ask. “I’m not sure whatever you need from me is worth being late.”

“Anthony, stop.” She sounds tired. Not sleepy, just tired. Might as well abide, I suppose.

“Okay. What’s the matter? Besides the obvious, of course.” Luna approaches and I turn to face her.

“I know that you do not like my sister. I know she does not like you.” Luna sighs. “I cannot change that... but I wish I could.”

“Like I said before. Changing other people isn’t possible.” I put my hands in my pockets. “If it was, the world would be unlivable.”

Luna winces. “I am well aware. I simply wish the two of you were not so argumentative. My sister is the most important pony in my life, and you are very special to me as well. Whenever the two of you are near each other though, there is always something found to antagonize one another about. I just can’t understand why neither of you will try to get along. I... I am unsure how to describe it more aptly, but I become sickened by your arguments. I wish for you both to be content with one another, but you are so at odds that I cannot help but feel trapped in the middle.”

“You aren’t.” I say firmly. “My issues with Celestia have nothing to do with you, Luna. Neither your sister nor I are in place to demand you agree with either of us.”

Luna continues, looking sadly at the floor. “No, it is not a matter of me being used as part of the argument, but rather... I’m not involved at all. I remain standing to the side, watching my two favorite people bicker and belittle one another. I do not wish to pick a ‘side’ or for either of you to be wrong, I only... I want the two of you to not fight with each other over any little thing. I want us to be happy. All of us.”

I listen to her and consider her words. “Yeah, that’s basically what it’s like to be a kid with divorcing parents. I get that it sucks, I truly do. But then I grew up and looked at the situation from a different angle. For some people, they shouldn’t be around each other. They may seem compatible at first so you want them to be. The problem is that they aren’t compatible, and in most cases, staying separate is best for both of them.”

“That’s not... you are not needing to be a couple, I just want for you both to get along.” Luna says, a hint of pleading in her voice.

“It’s the same principle. Some people aren’t compatible. It takes both of us to agree to get along, and even then a simple agreement isn’t going to ease any friction, just make us keep quiet about the unsolvable issues. Besides, I’m not going to compromise unless it benefits me.”

“That is not how compromise works!” Luna almost shouts in exasperation.

“Then you understand the problem.” I say, hanging my head.

“I do not understand at all, and I refuse to believe the two of you are irreconcilable.” Luna says firmly, a stern look in her eyes. “I do not want to feel like I have to decide which of you I should trust or defend over the other. It is-”

“Not fair.” I finish her sentence. “It’s not fair. That’s what you were going to say, right? Well we already had a talk about ‘not fair’ already.” I move my hands out of my pockets to cross my arms. “I’m just as stubborn as she is, so if you really want to make something like that happen, you have your work cut out for you. I’m not going to say you shouldn’t try, you’ll try anyways. But just... at least understand that it may not be possible.”

Luna takes a deep breath. “I wish I could know you better, but I am still lost for what I need to ask. I always feel that if I only asked the right questions, I could learn what I need to know so that I would be able to connect us all.”

Wait a moment... now that I think of it, it sounds- no that’s crazy. Unless... “You want us to be a family?”

Luna blinks. “A family? Of course not! That is, perhaps the elements of one...” she trails off, but continues. “Does it seem selfish to you? That I desire for Celestia and yourself to get along, simply so that it eases myself?”

I take a deep breath. “You want others’ happiness for the sake of your happiness rather than theirs alone. Is that selfish? Good question, you should let me know if you find someone who can give a definitive and satisfactory answer.”

“You are so difficult sometimes.” Luna says sadly.

I shrug, putting my hands back in my pockets. “Talk with Celly about this. If she’s willing to bend a bit, I might be inclined to bend myself in the same direction... but as I said, I refuse to compromise without guarantee. At this point, I’m most concerned with myself and how things affect me. I’m sure that outlook is selfish, but I really don’t care. Nobody will be able to take another mile if I never give an inch. That goes quintuply so for those with more political and social power than I do, and even besides those points Celestia checks a majority of the boxes on my list of what kinds of people not to trust. If you do find a way to ‘fix’ her and myself to the point where you get the not-family you’re dreaming of, then congratulations. Heck, I’d be pretty darn thankful myself if that happened, but that’s not how it is right now.” I turn away from Luna. “If that’s really what you want, you’ll need to work quite hard for it.”

It’s silent for what feels like an eternity of empty seconds. I guess we’re done talking, then- “I intend to.” Luna states, a strong sense of determination in her voice. “I will learn what it takes, and I will make it happen. I still need you to be more open with me so that I can understand you, but if it means that the two of you will be civil and tolerant and... and... I shall do it.”

“Gods willing.” I say, shaking my head and walking away. “Good luck, though. Anyways, night is young and so am I. I’m gonna see if Canterlot can be more entertaining tonight than last.” Luna doesn’t stop me and I continue on towards the castle’s entrance and then the front gates

The city doesn’t look much different earlier in the evening, just brighter. Sun is creeping towards the horizon though, so I assume Celly is winding down for the night. Only problem is, what am I going to do? I could try that red-themed lounge from last night, see about having a better time than last... nah, didn’t really seem like the kind of place intended to enjoy alone.

I may as well go in a different direction than last time, get a different selection. After quite a while of walking, I seem to have found a less rich part of the city. Granted, it’s Canterlot so it still looks like a wealthy place, just not as much as others. Maybe something around here will be more my speed.

Huh, this area seems vaguely familiar, now that I think about it. That venue in particular. Like a club of some sort. Wait, is that the same place where I met Vinyl Scratch and her classy friend a while back? It certainly looks as I remember it. Maybe she’s around, that would be a decent way to spend an evening, with people I actually know.

As soon as I open the door, I hear the music. It’s... passable. It doesn’t really feel all that special. The scenery is similar to before, but someone else must be supplying the music, as it just isn’t quite like last time I was here. Similar to what Vinyl played but missing whatever it was I actually enjoyed. At least most of the ponies are enjoying it, there’s lots of motion from the crowd. I just... I’m not feeling it. The dim lighting is easy on the eyes but the music is naturally rather loud.

I walk around the edges of the main crowd where the general minglers are. I see some of them notice me, but they don’t bother me. Eventually I find a corner that the music isn’t fully reaching and look about. The lighting is decent enough to see stuff near me but not much farther, not that it’s a very large establishment.

“You feeling alright, buddy?” I hear a masculine voice say and I look down to see a pony coming up to me.

I shrug, but then figure that sort of motion might be too subtle to notice here in the shadow. “Eh, I’m fine.”

“Okay. I just thought it was a bit odd. Most folks don’t come to this place to sit in a corner by themselves is all.” He says, not sounding terribly concerned, just curious.

I lean my head back against the wall. “I guess I was expecting it to be a bit different. Not the music or people I expected to find here. Don’t have anywhere else to spend my night, though.”

“Heh, well nopony’s stopping ya.” the stallion comments. “Who were you expecting to see, though?”

“Vinyl Scratch. Met her last time I was here. Can’t recall what she said her stage name was, though. She was fun to hang out with. Thought I might catch her again tonight.” If he knows her at all, he might be able to tell me where to find her.

The stallion’s eyes go wide enough to be notable even in the atmosphere’s general dim lighting. “You... you know DJ-PON3? For real?”

I blink and then nod. “Oh yeah, that’s what her stage name was. But yeah, we hung out a couple times. She came out to perform for a bit of a celebration for me a while back, but I haven’t seen her since.”

“Oh my gosh, for real? That’s so cool!” The guy exclaims. “I didn’t think anypony really knew her.”

“Probably because if anyone knew that someone personally knew a popular celebrity, said one would never hear the end of it.” I posit, shifting in place a bit trying to find a more comfortable position.

“Well... maybe. I guess. But if I knew her I’d be telling everypony! She’s amazing!”

“I don’t judge people’s worth based on fame-by-proxy.” I sigh. “Being famous for fame alone isn’t really that big a deal anyways.”

“Right. Right.” He pauses. “So uh, what’s she like?” Before I can give any sort of reply, another pony comes up, followed by a third.

“Hey, isn’t that the hero guy?” I frown. I have a fucking name, you celebrity chasers...

“I think so. He says he knows DJ-PON3!”

“Wait, for real?! No way!” And now I’m annoyed. “I’ve only seen her here like four times!”

I fight back a sigh, and give up trying to get comfortable in this corner. “If you wanna chase after Vinyl, do that. Don’t go hounding me just because I know her, okay?”

Two of them pause but one of them replies. “Idunno, I’d rather know about you than her. I mean, she’s really cool and all, but...”

“What? She’s way cooler than this Anthony guy.” One interjects. I’d probably be a bit more upset by the comment if they didn’t actually get my name right. Still pretty irritated, though.

“Sure she’s cool, but she’s never saved any lives.” Comes my fan’s counter. “Seriously, that’s a big deal!”

I find it ironic how they’re debating over the importance of two people, one who isn’t even here and the other’s presence being completely ignored during said debate. I think it’s time I made my exit. I push away from the wall and head for the door.

“Where are you going?” one of them asks as I pass them.

“The one pony I came here to see clearly isn’t around, and this music is starting to get on my nerves. Whose groupies you are and why aren’t things that matter to me. I’m finding somewhere else to spend an evening.”

“No, wait! We uh, we didn’t mean to pester you or anything. We’re sorry!”

“I’m sure you are.” I respond without stopping my pace towards the exit.

“Yeah, see? He’s a jerk. DJ-PON3 isn’t mean at all!”

“He’s not mean, he’s leaving because you ticked him off! C’mon Anthony, they didn’t mean it, stick around!”

“What are the benefits if I do?” I question grumpily, starting to get far enough away that they’ve decided to follow a bit.

The stallion who was ‘backing me up’ trots up to my side. “Uh, well... I guess nothing... But maybe you could stay anyways? We just wanna know you a bit. None of the newspapers seem to know anything about you when they even bother bringing you up at all.”

“You’re a journalist?” I ask.

“No, but-”

I sigh, trying to figure out a way to appease this pony while also getting him off my back. “Okay, guy. You wanna know me? Find me later when I’m not already bored and angry. Ask questions then.”

“Alright!” He chippers up. “But where can I find you?”

“I live in Ponyville. Shouldn’t be hard to figure it out from there.” I’m probably going to regret giving him even that, but... Idunno, I guess having someone willing to hear me out and not have some kind of ulterior motive besides fandom could be nice. Just not now.

“Ponyville? Really? Why would you live there?”

I just give him a quick “Bye.” and make my way out the door. Unfortunately, I’ve drawn attention so now I have even more ponies following me. I step out of the club and look around. Hmm, dark alley halfway down that block. I could make that dash easily... but it’s a dark alley at just past one in the morning. If anything less-than-legal was going to happen tonight, all money’s on it going down right there and right now.

Wait, what am I worried about? They’re ponies. They probably don’t even know the proper definition of the word ‘criminal’. I stay at the door of the club for a few more seconds, I can hear a couple of ponies leaving the dance area... Go! I charge for the alley and I’ve already got my foot in the deeper shadow before any of the ponies make it out of the club. One quick long step and I’m gone around a corner in some pretty heavy darkness. That was easy, why’d I make a big deal of it? I need to stop overthinking things. Though, I’d risk under-thinking if I got too lax. Can’t have that; I’m already misunderstood as it is. I likely can’t afford to slip up any further, things will certainly get far more difficult.

I focus on making my trek through the alley, and as dark as it is, there’s no feeling of danger. Suppose I was mistaken when I judged the probability. Things look clear- what was that? “I saw you move. Might as well give it up.” I announce my attentiveness towards the direction in which I saw the motion. There’s a long silence of nothing moving and I sigh aloud. “Oh, come on. The longer you hide now, the dumber you look by pretending I didn’t see you.”

“...Fine. Darn it.” Two pony-shaped figures leave the alley walls and come up slowly. Partial dominance has been asserted. As they approach, one of them shifts around and pulls out a knife, the glint of shiny clean metal rather noticeable in the sparse moonlight that reaches us. “We’re still gonna rob you. Give us your money.”

I allow a few seconds for silence. “Really? You’re trying to shake me down? You’re fairly green at this, aren’t you? Haven’t you learned how to properly size up a target?”

“Hey, shut it!” The armed one shouts, her buddy reaching for her and shushing her. “Oh come on, I’m not that loud, and nopony can hear anything we say with that club right there.”

I sigh, and hold my head in a hand. “Ah yes, classical robbery etiquette: fighting amongst yourselves. I’ve heard it’s got a stunning success rate in the crime industry.”

“Okay, I’ve had enough.” The mare with the knife declares. “Give us whatever money you have, right now, or I’ll... I’ll... I’ll stab your eye!” Her partner mutters a disgusted ‘Ew’ too quiet for me to determine gender.

“Look, miss. I’m sure that threat is perfectly valid on folks like you, but the highest you could reach without magic is around, I’d say my crotch.” I pause and the armed mare makes a ruffling motion. “And if you think I’m gonna risk my junk on a couple of quarter-wit robbers, then you must think I’m really idiotic.” I pull the Bits I have in my pocket and toss them onto the ground in front of them, turning out my pocket. The Bits land on the ground and spread out making metallic clinking sounds, all three of them.

The ponies approach the coins and look at them. “Three Bits!?” the unarmed pony declares, finally revealing her gender as well. “Only three Bits? I thought you were loaded!”

I crick my head and sigh. “Seriously? I told you that you were bad at sizing up a target.”

“But... but you’re a hero, a celebrity! This is Canterlot; nopony’s here unless they’re rich or trying to leave!” The mare with the knife exclaims.

“I’m a celebrity, but I make a basic wage at a grocery store in Ponyville!” I inform sternly. “That’s what’s left of my last payday, I don’t have another shift until the day after tomorrow.”

The two obscured mares go quiet, then the unarmed one sighs. “I can’t believe it... how the heck is he poor?”

“Hey, I’m not poor!” I defend loudly. “I make more money than I need to survive on! Just because I don’t make a five-figure salary doesn’t mean I’m poor! I gave you warning that you shouldn’t rob me! Three Bits aren’t worth your time if you’re so bad at life that you need to steal from folks so directly!”

“We thought you were talking about how you have weird powers!” One said, her ally adding on. “And that you were just being a jerk!”

I throw my arms up in exasperation. “I’m always a jerk! Doesn’t make me a liar! So what, you just gonna take those Bits and get out of here, or you gonna let me keep ‘em?!”

The mare with the knife stomps a hoof in frustration and yells. “Why’d we have to find the one poor guy in all of Cant-”

There’s a rush of movement in the darkness and the armed mare is cut off as something impacts her and holds her down. I can see the shapes struggling but eventually I hear a heavy grunt and the sound of a thin piece of metal hitting stone rings from slightly further down the alley, seems she’s been disarmed.

“Weapon has been removed!” I hear the shape that got the first mare yell. Shortly after that, about six more figures appear as if they just fell from the sky. Said figures surround both me and the mares from both ends of the alley, and close in quickly without making a single noise. The one who disarmed the mare gets up and bolsters the pincer formation on that side before speaking. “What is going on here?” The male voice requests. He steps forward a bit and I can see the grayish-blue armor of Luna’s Night Guard. Perfect execution. All I had to do was rile the thieves up and escalate until we all yelled so loud we called the nearby police.

I grin as I put my hands in the air. “I was just leaving the club for the night, and tried to take a shortcut through this alley. Then these two mares assailed me with a knife, trying to rob me of the last three Bits I had.”

The Night Guards move with their formation, leading us out of the alley. The stallion who entered with a tackle speaks up. “This mare did have a knife.”

“Three Bits total found in the alleyway.” Another guard comments. “The club is also on this side of the alley, he’d have to have been going this way. His story checks out completely so far, ma’am.”

“We’ll take these mares to a safe area for questioning.” one of the female-sounding guards announces. “You two, give Anthony an escort to the barracks for now. We’ll want to keep him close in case we need a more thorough explanation.”

“Horseapples...” The disarmed mare curses, getting a push from the guards that had taken a position behind her.

“Yeesh, quite a mouth on her...” The Night Guard who’d taken my right side comments. We step out of the alley and back into direct moonlight, making the pegasi on either side of me much easier to see. “Anyways, sorry to trouble you, Anthony but-”

I wave it off. “No problem, I get it. Protocol and all that. I didn’t have anything else to do tonight anyways.” I shrug then I make a realization. “Hey, do you need to keep my money for evidence, or can I have it back?”

“Oh, yeah.” The pegasus to my left nods and hands up the coins to me. “We know you didn’t do anything wrong, we actually noticed something going down as we were passing by. We didn’t think it was a robbery at first though, given all the shouting. Then Slipstream heard what was being shouted about.”

I chuckle. “My timely heroes.” They give short laughs back. “Ya know, you two are pretty chill. I always thought the Night Guards were super serious.”

“Nah, not us. The batponies, especially the ones that get direct orders from Princess Luna, they can get pretty uptight. Nothing wrong with it, they just take it real seriously. Something about... the roots of their culture or something?” The pegasus on my right gives a one-hooved shrug in response as we continue walking.

“I don’t know that much about the batponies.” I admit. “I’ve been meaning to ask, but any time I see one, they’re on the job.”

“Well we have to take you back to the barracks anyways, there’s gonna be at least a couple there you might be able to ask.”

I nod. “Sure. You know, even for ponies in general you two are really...”

“Friendly?” The one on my left questionably finishes, smiling at me. The other one responds. “Of course we are. Our tasks in the force involve taking care of victims and injured.” He passes to his friend who continues. “It wouldn’t do much good to have a sourpuss look after scared ponies when you could hire some happy pegasus brothers instead.”

“You know, that makes a lot of sense...” I think out loud. “Some civil protectors whose primary purpose is to help reduce panic instead of just general policing. That’d make a pretty wholesome TV show; I’d be willing to see a season of that idea.”

“Tee-vee?” One of them asks, looking confused.

I shake my head. “Not important anymore.”

Not long after, we come upon the barracks which is notably different from the one directly on the castle grounds. This one is further into the city and has a bit more masonwork to help support the wooden frame. It’s also a bit bigger, seeming that there’s more purpose to this building than simply housing beds and armor.

Jump to top

Chapter 66

As I’m led to the barracks, I note something interesting that I almost missed. A stone idol placed outside by the door. Very small, just barely up to my shin. A little roughly carved, but clearly in the design of an alicorn standing with wings splayed and presenting it’s horn upwards. Something like this placed by a door, and of a building like this... a shrine? I knew ponies had a tendency to be minorly religious, but I don’t think I’ve seen anything like this. The castle grounds had some large statues of ponies in the garden... but this idol here is small and it’s not masterfully smoothed, as if it’s presence is more important than its presentation.

I figure I may as well ask the pegasi by my sides. “So what’s with the shrine, there?”

The one to my right nods. “Oh, yeah. That’s a thing that the batponies do. They have statuettes of Princess Luna. She’s really important to them, and they show it a lot. I know Princess Celestia doesn’t like seeing this kind of thing made for her and placed about, but Luna hasn’t said anything so we all just assume she’s fine with ‘em.”

“Probably should tell you this before we go in.” The other one speaks, his brother-slash-partner nodding with a short ‘oh, yeah’. “Thestrals, that’s a nicer name for batponies, are pretty different. They’re great to have as backup if something goes wrong but they’re a bit uh... different.”

I roll my eyes and put my hands in my pockets. “Got any other adjectives to use, or is ‘different’ all I’m getting from you?”

“They’re pretty serious. You don’t wanna get them angry, they don’t mess around much like pegasi do.” and the conversation is passed back. “Yeah, they are not pegasi, don’t let the wings fool ya. Thestrals can be real friendly, mind. But thestrals in the Night Guard aren’t like any other tribe in the ranks.”

“Alright, I get it.” I say, taking my hands out of my pockets to shrug from my elbows. “They’re creepy and intense, so try not to be a dick.”

The two of them just nod halfheartedly and I let them walk ahead to enter first, and they announce themselves. “Hey everypony!” His exclamation is met with a few short friendly callbacks and then the other one follows up again. These two are quite a pair. “Look who we found getting himself out of a scrape!”

I raise a hand to draw attention. “Not a scrape, it never escalated past verbal; and I didn’t have my own immediate solution to the knife involved so saying I got myself out of it is just barely a half-truth.”

One unicorn standing by a table near the entrance laughs and magicks her helmet off her head. “Wow, first time a rescuee called you two out on your theatrics.” The two brothers kick their feet sheepishly, but walk further inside. The mare continues, looking directly at me. “I’ll be honest, didn’t think I’d ever see you wrapped up in anything that falls under our jurisdiction.”

I shrug. “Mishap-of-the-week scenarios out in the country doesn’t sound like your jurisdiction to me, either. I mean, it could if the crowns thought to expand your utility...”

The unicorn mare goes quiet and her eyes shift a bit. I hear a cough from elsewhere, and from another direction entirely a sharp exhale, like a snort. The pony who made the snort noise walks up, and it’s one of the thestrals looking unenthused. “We are the Night Guard; Princess Luna has always made great use of us wherever she’s chosen to place us. If it wasn’t a waste of time and resources and was even the slightest bit important to do so, Princess Luna would have already had an extension placed out there.”

I back up a bit so he doesn’t think I’m trying to push anything. “Hey, woah, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just... let me start over. I’m Anthony.”

“We know.” comes the reply from just about every pony in the one-floor building.

I sigh, and fight the urge to cup my forehead. “Right. Well I guess my point is, I’ve never really gotten a chance to sit down and talk with any of you guys. I haven’t really seen anyone from the Guard do anything but stand at attention like the wall across the way is the most important thing in the world.”

The unicorn mare from earlier yawns heavily, an act that seems a bit forced. “Well, gee. It’s so late now, I’m a bit tired.” She passes one of the thestrals as she heads for a bunk. “You nocturnal folks should probably handle this while I get a nap.” The pegasi that I walked up with also move for the available simplistic sleeping arrangements.

So it’s just me and the thestrals now. Hmm, that’s some fairly palpable awkwardness. How can I spin this... “I just figure it’s a bit of a shame we don’t really know much about each other, names aside.”

“I know enough about you.” A still fully-armored thestral mare huffs.

Now I’m getting mad. “Love of Pete, whose cat did I strangle without noticing? Why am I such a problem, huh?”

“You attacked Princess Luna.” comes the mare’s response, absolute deadpan, slight hint of a snarl. I can see her fangs.

Another cough comes from an unidentified pony and a second thestral mare walks up and lightly bumps the first in the side in passing. “Not that it’s a problem now, since it seems Princess Luna has forgiven you. Right?” The question for me is clearly directed at the other attending thestrals.

“Oh yeah!” Comes the sarcastic reply of the first mare. “He attacks Princess Luna and assaults a member of our force, nothing comes of it at all, and then Princess Luna calls him over. Princess Luna spent an entire day with him and everypony else was forbidden from her chambers. After that, he's offered complete amnesty for all of that crap. The Princess’s word is law of course, but this just reeks of favoritism!”

That’s an interesting spin on events, and not at all untrue, I’ll give her that. Hold up. “Did you just call Luna ‘the Princess’?” I ask for confirmation.

“Well, she is.”

I nod. “Obviously. I just mean... any time I hear a pony say ‘the princess’ they always meant Celestia. Honestly, that kinda bugged me.”

The non-aggressive mare steps up again. “Yeah, that’s the norm. I guess some of us have started doing it for Princess Luna as a response, not that anypony really notices much since we aren’t the most public.”

“Oh yeah, I know what you mean, equal and opposite reaction.” I agree. Looks like I found my angle. “I don’t really get this part though... clearly Princess Luna is important to them, but sometimes they say stuff that feels like they aren’t counting her. Then of course we have that ‘Princess Celestia, and her sister’ bullshit.” A wave of quiet chuckling ripples around the barracks; I guess they responded well to that.

“See? He gets it.” the nicer mare announces. “He’s had a bit of a slip-up but... come on, if Princess Luna gave us a second chance, she’s perfectly within her right to grant him one as well.” A unanimous ‘Right!’ is declared by all the present thestrals.

I cut in again. “If you don’t mind, I’m a bit curious. What is the whole deal with you and Luna? The Day Gaurd seem pretty loyal but not like devotees, at least not in the same way. You seem a bit more enthusiastic.” and religious, going by the literal idolatry going on outside. Probably should wait to talk about that in case it’s a sensitive subject.

“It’s because of the disparity of our separate Oaths.” One of the stallion thestrals vaguely answers.

“Oh, hey, let’s give him the thing!” A more chipper-sounding masculine voice offers, and a bit of motion from the crowd results in the mare in front of me being passed a rolled length of parchment, which she then hands up.

“Give this a read.” She prompts. “It’s a... it’s like a rundown of our culture, the Nocturn. The details are a bit of a messy thing to explain and it can make proper introductions difficult. So some of our lorekeepers got together and made a briefing document of sorts, something we could replicate fairly easily and pass out to other ponies for them to read about us. It’s mostly about the Nocturn’s history, a bit of biology, some stuff about the Night Guard specifically, and they even explain the whole blood drinking thing pretty well. Basically everything that isn’t actually a secret and isn’t too complicated for your average pony to ‘get’. Normally the lorekeepers are really stiff and stern from the blood drinking, but they tried to make it ‘amusing’ and ‘pedestrian’ although part of that could also have been the scribes they had write these out. Maybe you could tell us if it actually helps answer your questions, though there is some stuff in there that I personally don’t think is that important to tell.”

Blood drinking? Maybe I should read this... I take the parchment and kneel down by one of the present tables and unroll it ... huh, longer than I expected and it even looks like it has decent formatting. Alright, study mode.

Nocturn Society

Nocturn naming conventions: Most of the race use names pertaining to darkness, nighttime, species of bats, deception, and common food types (the last one a result of a lot of historical intermarrying between the Earth Ponies and Nocturn). Examples include Star Runner, Sleight Mistake, or Cherry Crumble, with little distinction between masculine and feminine naming conventions.

The pony race known colloquially as “Batponies”, “Thestrals”, or “Night Guards” are generally thought of as a ‘creepier’ or ‘night-influenced’ form of Pegasus, but they are no more related to pegasi than any other race of pony. They themselves have very little in the way of uniform terms for their own species, so exact details on what they may be called is almost always a local turn of phrase. The most common name used for them is ‘Batponies’, and only a limited few get upset over it. Their official name according to available scientific documentation lists them as Nocturnus. The pedestrian term associated with that (which will be used here for simplicity’s sake) is Nocturn or Nocturnal. ‘Nocturn’ is both the singular and plural form of the term.

Cultural History

The Nocturn were initially outcasts from pony society after being discovered by the other tribes roughly six-hundred years prior to the Fall of Nightmare Moon, in spite of the Nocturn being the only recorded race of pony native to the land prior to the events that led to the Three Tribes of Unicorns, Earth Ponies and Pegasi first venturing away from Dream Valley, now mapped and labelled as The Frozen North. Princess Luna adopted the Nocturn as her own, and thus Princess Luna is regularly idolized by them.

Physical Attributes

The average Nocturn is of similar stature to an Earth Pony; stocky, shorter than a Unicorn, and taller than a Pegasus. They tend to have a more robust build than that of a Pegasus as well, though not as muscular as Earth Ponies can get. They have slitted eyes adapted for nighttime not dissimilar to a feline, and have softly tufted ears; their fur is also much softer than most other ponies' tends to be, as it creates a necessary insulative layer due to the Nocturn’s naturally low body temperature.

They have a natural ability to see in low light through nonmagical means, as well as seeing in near darkness through a magical form of echolocation native to their species; they radiate waves of their internal magic supply to bounce off of nearby objects and materials, returning to them full mental images - this effect is not as limited as ocular sight, meaning they can see anything not shrouded by magical obscuring effects, and can see through thin materials. The exact thickness of material that will impede this echolocation depends on the individual - some are capable of better penetration depth, others can project their magic supply further without loss, resulting in longer range senses.

Nocturn are able to deal with very warm temperatures provided there’s still ample moisture in the environment; dry atmospheres cause their wings to get chapped, withered, and possibly become damaged; that said, their preference of nesting in small, confined areas means that when they sleep, their bodies and their breaths maintain a comfortably warm and humid environment.

Nocturn prefer to sleep communally among family units or groups of close friends. This often results in community piles of sleeping Nocturn, all snuggled in together; this is formally described as ‘exceptionally adorable’.

The visible fangs and sharp teeth natural to a Nocturn’s mouth are actually designed to perform scissor-like motions for cutting through vegetation, especially fruits, with the ‘fangs’ visible at the fronts of their mouths actually having a serrated inner edge for cutting open thick rinds. While Nocturn can eat meat, they have a distaste for it, and much prefer fruits and vegetables instead. As well, they are known for having a strong taste for honey and citrus fruits.

Blood Drinking

Nocturn have an unusual relation with blood; if they drink blood taken from another sapient species, they can extend their own lives and reduce the victim’s lifespan equally. However, this is forbidden amongst the Nocturn with very specific exceptions, as the process is extremely addictive, and can twist even the most mild-mannered of the Nocturn towards becoming literal bloodthirsty maniacs. As such, only specially allowed members of their clans, specifically their memory-keepers and storytellers, are allowed to carefully practice this behavior to extend their lives, thus giving them time to pass on their knowledge in full to their protégés. Paired with Nocturn ponies’ excellent memories, these ‘Lorekeepers’ have almost perfect records of events from tens of thousands or even hundreds of thousands of years ago.

Night Guards

The Night Guard of Equestria is almost entirely composed of Nocturn, as they are simply better suited to nighttime operations compared to the day-acclimated tribes of ponies that frequent the Day Guard; this does not mean there are no ponies of other tribes in the Night Guard, just that the majority of ponies in the Night Guard are Nocturn, hence why the standard armor they wear is colored with simple shades of purple, to compliment the dark gray and faded brown coats that are most common among Nocturn

The duties of the Night Guard are broadly the same as the Day Guard; investigate incidents, enforce the peace, provide aid to citizens when possible, and generally appear presentable to the public. However, unlike the Day Guard, the Night Guard have long had a rougher reputation, but also a rather positive one overall - they’re the guards that even hardened criminals back down at the sight of, because it’s become fairly common knowledge to everypony that the Night Guard are allowed to ‘do more’ than the Day Guard is. The long-held phrase is “At night, Celestia’s eyes are closed”, uttered both by criminals in nervous murmurs and by the Guards themselves, with gleaming fang-filled grins. Even before Princess Luna’s return, Princess Celestia trusted the Night Guard to largely keep track of themselves, and they have done so very well. Bolstering this is the fact that the oath of office for the Night guard is, was, and always will be an oath to Luna first, and to the country second. This is a direct contrast to the ‘Country first, Princess Celestia second’ that Princess Celestia herself insists the Day Guard swear.

Night Guard Public Relations

Despite the fact that both the Day and Night Guard forces take direct orders from and swear fealty to either of Equestria’s diarchs, ponies that are in the Day Guard are occasionally publicly referred to as “Royal” Guards where the Night Guard are not. This comes as a result of Princess Luna’s absence and the Day Guard's alignment to the then-sole ruler Princess Celestia. The moniker of Royal Guard is one purely constructed by the civilian public, and while the Day Guard will respond when referred to as such, the Night Guard do not acknowledge it as a proper title for themselves, though they will respond to it in times of emergency.

Something worth noting from a cultural standpoint is that between the specific oaths that either guard force takes, the priorities of the Night Guard are much more suited to earning the nickname of “Royal Guard”. This is not the case, and is the result of a rather unfortunate historic development. The time in which the moniker of Royal Guard began use in a widely public manner by the majority populace of Equestria’s three primary tribes was during Princess Luna’s period of banishment. To many Equestrians, Princess Celestia was the sole royal figure and as such the guard force that represented Princess Celestia were regarded similarly, despite the fact that the Night Guard were still very much active all through the thousand years of Princess Luna’s exile.

In addition, technically speaking, the term ‘Royal Guard’ more accurately affixes to the entirety of Equestria’s military forces, not a single branch of it, which only muddles the issue further. Other countries refer to the entire military as the Royal Guard of Equestria, or by various derogatory or inflammatory names if relations are poor, and only refer to its branches tangentially. The Night Guard is almost wholly unknown to other nations, as almost all Night Guard operations are internal.

Well... they sure like to cover their bases. It’s a little... jumpy here and there but I think I got it. I look up at the mare who’d taken a seat at the other side of the table. Was she waiting this whole time for me to finish reading? “So... I should call you guys nocturn, then?”

She chuckles. “Read that whole thing and that’s your first takeaway, huh?”

I roll up the parchment and pass it over the tabletop. “Well, it uses that name twenty-four times, I figure it’s important enough to warrant primary use. Certainly more than ‘Thestrals’ or ‘Batponies’.”

“Yeah, it is what we’re called scientifically.” She admits. “So you paid close attention to it, good. Especially the part about the blood?” I nod. “Good. Having regular ponies think we all sit down and drink blood smoothies or whatever can help scare ‘em straight when you’re working in the Night Guard, but for the nocturn that are just civvies... well, that’s a different story.”

“They got kicked out of Equestria, even though they were there first.” I say, recalling the passage from the document.

The mare shifts a bit and her armor clinks ever so slightly, it’s not nearly as noisy as what I’ve heard from other ponies in armor. “Well... technically they didn’t drive us out of Equestria. It wasn’t Equestria until they showed up and started claiming land. They had no idea we were even here at the time and by the time we first met, they’d gotten their claiming-flags everywhere and started setting up fields for crops.”

“So they thought you were new to the land as well?” I ask, trying to sort out my confusion. She nods and I follow-up. “So if human history is anything, it’s something that likes to repeat itself. I assume they figured ‘We claimed this land already which means it’s ours, and now these bat-ponies are here and on our land. Therefore, we’re in charge.’ or something?”

“Eh, a bit more complicated than that but that’s the gist. You want full details, find one of our lorekeepers and they’ll gladly talk your ears off. There are three in Canterlot right now, actually. Not entirely sure where they are though. Princess Luna would know, even those of us not in the Night Guard tend to alert her if somepony important is gonna be somewhere.”

I readjust my kneeling position and brace my arms on the table to keep my back straighter. “So you nocturn have a direct line to Luna? Even the pedestrians?”

“Not like that. If somepony is important, Luna will be informed of them as soon as possible but the regulars just find their own place. It’s still a bit rocky even a dozen or so thousand years later, so there’s still some tension between the nocturn and the other tribes. It’s kinda why we refer to them as ‘the three tribes’ but don’t count ourselves. It’s a holdover from when the first Equestrians segregated us in the same manner.”

“I’ve never seen a nocturn that wasn’t in the Night Guard.” I note.

“That’s pretty normal. As I said, we’ve integrated with the rest of Equestria, ever since all that got resolved a long while back, we’re considered ‘Native Equestrians’ now and while there aren’t a lot of us that aren’t involved with the Night Guard in some way, we’re around. We just don’t tend to stick our necks up very often, keeping to ourselves. Ponies of the other tribes think it’s kinda creepy how good we are at it, is all. Unless you’re looking for one of us you likely won’t see a single one. Sometimes even if you’re trying really hard to find one. The Night Guard serves a purpose of putting nocturn in a civil-servant sort of position, so that the other ponies know that we’re here and we’re not actively hiding from anypony. Heck, plenty of nocturn have set up families with ponies of different tribes... I think that scroll had something to say about that...”

I nod. “Frequent intermarrying with Earth Ponies, it said.”

“Yep! You got it. So yeah, we have families and kids and lives and we even live with ‘regular’ ponies... we just aren’t exactly the visible majority is all, and there really aren’t that many of us in comparison anyways. It’s a touchy subject for some thestrals that we aren’t as recognized, but ever since Princesses Luna and Celestia made a royal decree that we’re Equestrian citizens just like everypony else, most of the shade we get from the tribes is because of rumors... like the blood milkshake thing.”

I chuckle. “You’re the first pony I’ve talked to that mentioned both princesses at the same time and gave Luna top billing, so you’re already on the right track if you ask me.”

She takes off her helmet, a sign to me that she’s decided to get comfortable and keep talking for a while. “Yeah... I mean, it only makes sense, you know? We’re nocturnal -heck it’s our name- and the three tribes aren’t. It’s a point of contention on occasion that can ruffle some tails here and there but it makes sense. The ponies that are awake during the day worship the Day Princess, and the ones awake at night worship the Night Princess. That alone is a strong enough argument for our devotion; our loyalty to Princess Luna is just an extension of that as a result of what she’s personally done to help our race.”

“So Celly gets three tribes, and Luna gets one race.” I say, testing the waters of a comment like that.

The next piece of her armor comes off as she works with some straps. “Kinda, yeah... but Celestia doesn’t like that kind of attention. Princess Luna is more receptive to it. If a pony from one of the tribes starts sculpting an idol to Celestia and she gets wind of it? That’s gonna be one upset alicorn. But us batponies? We make a point to have a little statue or something of Princess Luna in places that are important to our people, putting them outside where the public can see doesn’t bother Princess Luna one bit.”

“So Celly doesn’t like the recognition of her status to the same extent that Luna does.” That sort of disparity between them... actually clears up a few oddities I’d noticed in their interactions. Celestia doesn’t want to be revered, and Luna likes folks knowing she has influence... Noted. May use that later. “Then that’s what the stonework in front of the barracks is for?”

“That’s it!” She says happily with a grin. I can see a bit of fang in it, but it may not be intentional. “Usually they’re smaller, on rare occasions in very important places you’ll see bigger ones, but we all show our appreciation. It’s a buffer, you know? As long as we make sure Princess Luna knows we appreciate her, there won’t be another incident, right?”

I pause, and interlock my fingers, give them something to do while I’m mostly motionless. “By incident, you mean Nightmare Moon.” There’s a bit of audibly-nervous rustling from some other nocturn here, reminding me that I’m technically in a public place and Nightmare Moon is a touchy subject, likely moreso to them in particular.

The mare in front of me bites her lip slightly, and her fangs are now very visible, but her eyes show disconcert. “Look, uh... I’m fine with telling you what I know and chatting about Princess Luna, not many ponies of the tribes can sit and listen to a nocturn gab the night away... but I think if you wanna know about the Nightmare, you’ll wanna be asking about it... anywhere else.”

I nod in acceptance. “Okay, fair enough. I know it’s a touchy subject, just... don’t know who’s gonna react in what way. Voldemort rule, got it.”

“Voldemort rule... Huh?”

“Nothing, don’t mind it. Moving away from that topic. You said Princess Luna did some stuff to directly help you out... like what, exactly?” The more I can learn about these two alicorns, the more pieces I can fit into place and figure out for myself just what exactly the fuck is up with them. Normally it’s little nuggets of information here and there, but this motormouth is a motherlode.

“Eh, the simplest way to cover that is to say that she... made use of us. Princess Celestia found a use for everypony else, so Luna gave us our own ‘place’. Not land, mind you, we all share the same space everypony does. Don’t want another civil war, after all.”

Hold the phone. “Wait, you’re saying there was a civil war in Equestria?”

“A long while back, the three tribes just kinda went insane and... well, there were a lot of folks falling down and not getting back up, if you know what I mean.” As she continues, her eyes glass over a bit and she taps a hoof on the table. “Yeah, it was like... uh... darn it, when was that?”

The gruff mare from earlier walks up and straightens out to stand at attention. “Shortly following the tragedy that befell Princess Luna, Princess Celestia took leave, spending the following century attempting to locate methods that could restore Princess Luna from her necessary banishment to the moon. However, Celestia made a major mistake in leaving the tribes to govern themselves for a hundred years.”

I frown. “They started killing the shit out of each other, you mean.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” The mare says, staying completely stonefaced. “Naturally, without Princess Luna or Celestia around, ponies started panicking from suddenly having nothing but regular mortals in noble positions to govern them, and the massive power vacuum sucked everypony into panic and madness. Even worse, us thestrals were dependant on Princess Luna, and her exile put that much more strain on us, as Princess Celestia took to governing us directly. Records show that her efforts were... passable. Once Celestia abandoned- left Equestria, we were even more lost than the three tribes, and we got caught in the middle of their ‘disagreements’. Us thestrals still exist as you can see and we are just as devoted as we’ve always been, but our numbers haven’t recovered since.”

“So the Nocturn are a literal mathematical minority, in a country that doesn’t understand you that well to the point where you need pamphlets for the guards to hand out, and you practice what could be considered an alternative belief system.” I summarize, and get a grim nod from both mares. “Well, you sure got shat on, huh?”

There’s a long silence before the grumpy one decides to end her part of the conversation. “That’s roughly what that hundred-year span is recited as in regards to us, yes. If you want anything more detailed... find a lorekeeper.” and she walks off out the door of the barracks into the night.

The nicer one gets my attention from across the table. “Sorry, it’s just... history isn’t kind to anypony, you know? A lot of us like to think of the past being in the past but I suppose it’s hard for us in particular because... well most nocturn traditions involve storytelling and we don’t sugarcoat things. Couple that with our long memories, artificially long in some cases, and there usually isn’t a thestral older than sixteen who doesn’t know very well why there aren’t that many of us. Rather than getting all angry about it though, we focus on the fact that Princess Luna is back and we know she won’t let anything like that ever happen again.”

There’s a twinge of a look on her face that betrays her, she doesn’t seem like she fully believes that. Not gonna pry, this is a dour enough situation already. Gotta switch tracks here. “So... some of you don’t like me much. Is it all because of the whole... uh... attacking Luna thing?”

“Heh, not all of us anymore, plenty got distracted away from it when Princess Luna started wearing that jewelry. When Princess Luna began wearing that necklace of hers, we had no idea where it came from and it was a pretty hot topic around here and in the castle itself. Even the Night Guards who weren’t nocturn couldn’t stop whispering about it. Considering that she never goes anywhere without it, it seems like some sort of engagement gift but... that was absolutely ridiculous. Nopony wanted to just ask though because, well if it was what we thought then... I mean, who could possibly match up to Princess Luna? Perhaps some foreign dignitary, but we never had any reports of somepony like that being around...” She takes a quiet breath before continuing. “Then... then she gives you a royal summons, but she could always just have you come by. Plenty of the Night Guard suspected it might be you who gave it to her, but that night... she calls you to her bedroom and then has everypony stay out until the next sunset... That was some pretty damning evidence. You’re basically all we talk about around here because I mean if Princess Luna did take you on as her royal consort-”

I hold up my hands and urge her to stop right there. “Woah-woah-woah-woah-no. Royal consort? Absolutely not. I mean, okay yeah we spent the day together but I will guarantee you right now that if I was gonna lose my V-card, Luna is not my first choice. No offense. I gave her that pendant as an apology for attacking her. She just... appreciated it a bit more than I anticipated. I get the feeling she likes me, but in a purely platonic way. If Luna was looking for a boyfriend or consort or whatever, I am not it.”

There’s a thin sliver of silence before one of the thestral stallions raises a hoof, his armor clinking in a very quiet, tinny way. “So Princess Luna did get that pendant from you.”

The mare across from me shakes her head. “Don’t listen, they’re just jealous. Plenty of stallions would eat their hind legs to get an engagement gift like that, is all. I guess the more shocking part is that you gave something like that to Princess Luna and that wasn’t your intent. It’s like a perfect crystal, even a tiny amount of light makes it sparkle.”

I feel my face get kinda hot. “Well, I mean that makes sense. It’s pure diamond, after all. I just... made it, you know? It was supposed to be important but I figured since diamonds weren’t good for storing magic that well it wouldn’t be worth that much, just a token of apology.”

Another stallion pipes up “Hold on, you said you made it? As in, you cut it yourself, that perfectly?”

I shake my head. “No, I didn’t cut it, I shaped some coal and then, uh... I just made a little crescent moon out of coal and converted it into diamond. It takes a lot out of me though, which makes sense given the energy expenditure required for reorientation of a molecular structure... sorry, I uh, I guess I could explain some of the science later if you’re interested.”

I just hear a chuckle from the mare across the table. “Aw, you’re so sweet... I can see why Princess Luna likes you. Well, if the princess ever wants you to spend another ‘completely platonic’ day in her bedroom, I don’t have much place to argue.” She gives a smirking glance around the room at the other gathered ponies. “Which I’d say goes double for everypony else here as well, hmm?”

As mutterings of acquiescence and concurrences flutter about the room, I bury my face in my open palms. “I’m serious... I’m not doing anything with Luna, it was just... she wanted a private place to talk with me... and then it got early and we’d been up all night so I stayed the day.”

The mare rocks her head a bit and readjusts her mane in doing so, and gives me a very big grin with plenty of sharp teeth visible aside her prominent fangs, nowhere was there a better time to describe something as a toothy grin. “Oh trust me, I believe you completely. I mean, if I didn’t... if you’d actually laid the princess, I’m sure nopony in here would hold me back from chopping off one of your legs!” Her grin widens and I swear she grew more teeth just now solely to fill it. “You’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about! I think it’s nice that you’re giving the princess some company to keep.”

And for once, a silence where nobody coughs. Just makes it feel that much more dreadful. “Yeah... uh... sure. Anyways, it was nice meeting you. This has been... enlightening, I’ve learned a lot tonight. Now, I’ve got to get back to my guest room at the castle. It’s pretty late and I have somewhere to be in a few days.”

“Yeah, we don’t need you here, just procedure. You could have left earlier, but it was so fun having you!” Her grin shrinks until its just a small, closed-mouth smile but I swear I see just the barest hint of one of her fangs sticking out from her lip. “Come by anytime you want to, you’re all clear in my book, and I’d say the same goes for all of the Canterlot Night Guard.”

I nod quickly and stand up, though my legs hurt a bit from the kneeling so I’m a bit stiff. I’m just making for the door when I hear one of the mares pop in with one last question. “So just so I’m getting this right: You said you were single, yes?” I don’t think I could have possibly hoped for a better cue to say absolutely nothing and book it out the door at top speed.

Next thing I know, I’m back at the castle. Did I seriously run the entire way here? Yikes... why can’t I be this athletic... on... purpose. Fuck, I’m exhausted...

I’m turning onto the hallway that connects to the staircase for my room and I run into Luna. Because why wouldn’t I, right? Not like there are a dozen other hallways in this castle. “Hey, Luna... I’m really worn out, okay? I’m fine but... I just wanna rest right now.”

Luna looks like she has something to say and nods. “You do appear in need of unwinding. Is there anything I can do to help relieve your stress?”

“Nope! Not a single thing at all!” It’s like the whole universe is trying to make this ship sail, for fuck’s sake... “Just... no. I just need to be in a bed for a little while.” Luna seems a bit struck by my outburst, but she doesn’t press, just nods and lets me pass.

I can feel the sensation of hours passing with each step up the stairs, but I’m finally presented with the doors to my overly-sized room. Finally, a bed. I just need to... sleep all this crap away, put it out of my mind. I cross the room over the course of another week and start taking off my shirt.

*Knock-knock-knock*

Of fucking course, because why not?! If I don’t respond they’ll just knock again to be sure, I can tell. Just let them do whatever the heck they’re supposed to be here for so they’ll leave. “Come in.”

The door opens and a trio of mares walk in, side-by-side-by-side. An earth pony flanked by a unicorn and pegasus. I toss my removed shirt on the floor, too tired to care. They don’t say anything yet so I prompt them. “State your business.”

The unicorn snaps-to. “Oh, right. Uh, well princess Luna said you seemed a bit uh, overburdened. She asked us if we’d be willing to help you destress.”

I sigh. “Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I’m really not up for a massage or room service or-”

“That’s... not what we generally help out with.” the pegasus says, and the earth pony blushes a bit. “We’re generally issued to special guests that... okay, I suck at euphemisms or whatever. We’re concubines, for sex, you got your pick of us for the rest of the night.”

...I’m honestly getting pretty sick of this ‘sex is totally normal for everyone’ trend among ponies. I mean... the castle staff includes on-call, in-house sex workers for guests to... gah. “Sorry ladies, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I appreciate th-”

The unicorn cuts me off. “Darnit, I thought he was too good to be straight...” What? “Sorry about that, we can send in some stallions ins-”

“That’s not what I meant!” I sigh loudly and cup my forehead. “Look, I’m a bit tired. I’m not interested in anything tonight, even if I was attracted to whoever you might send my way. I appreciate your intent but I don’t need that kind of ‘assistance’.”

The unicorn lifts a front hoof, eyebrow raised in uncertainty. “You sure? You look like you’re ready to go screaming down the hallways. ‘Having’ a mare -or three- works wonders for stress. Trust me, we’d know.”

I sigh and make one final plea. “Just take a ‘no’ as a ‘no’. I understand you’re just trying to help me out and the thought is appreciated as I said before, I just... No. No matter who you send in. Besides...” Maybe if I come up with another reason why not, they’ll leave me alone. “Besides, I’m pretty tall. I don’t wanna roll over and squish someone by accident or anything.”

None of them have an expression that says they bought that, not even a hint, but they relent. “Alright. Well, if you ever change your mind, just ask for-”

“No names.” I insist. “I don’t need to know who you are.” I sit down on the edge of the bed and let my shoulders drop. They nod silently and collectively turn around. They’ve just gotten to the door when a thought heel-kicks its way into my head. Okay... fine. “Hold on.” I call back, and they stop. I sigh. It’d just be awkward if I didn’t compromise at this point. “The earth pony. Just her.”

The three of them look amongst each other, as if a bit confused but the pegasus and unicorn quickly turn to grins and they give gentle nudges for their friend to head back into the room. She looks nervous. Not hesitant, but like something’s putting her out of her element.

She gets to the bed, and her friends close the door behind them. “I’m Poppy Bud.” She introduces herself and then she winces. “Oops, you said no names... sorry. I... Nopony ever picks me. I mean, I’ve done this before just, never on my own. Most folks-”

I cut her off with a shake of my head. “Don’t worry about it...” I get onto the bed and she follows suit.

“I don’t know what it’s like with a human. I guess after tonight...” She says as she starts positioning herself. I take the blankets and flip them up to cover her.

“Actually” I correct. “You still won’t.”

I hear her speak through the mild muffling of the blankets over her. “Okay, I’m really confused now. What are we doing on the bed?” I finish taking off my clothes and get into bed, sliding the covers over myself. I slide an arm around her and pull her in, back against my chest. Yeah... I suppose this’ll do. “Okay, I really don’t know how we’re supposed to... like this...”

“Easy. We aren’t.” I explain as I get comfortable, snuggling up with her. We’d be spooning if she wasn’t covering only my upper half with her whole body, legs aside. She’s silent for a while, and neither of us move, all I feel is her breathing and her fur on me. Like a giant stuffed animal but endothermic. It’s pretty comfy.

“So we’re just... snuggling?” Poppy asks, sounding unsure of herself.

I nod, brushing my chin against her mane. “Just because I have no interest in putting my dick anywhere, a warm fuzzy thing is a warm fuzzy thing.”

Another brief silence. “Okay.” and she snuggles backwards into me. “Sorry, I know you wanna sleep but I need to know. Why me, specially?”

“Because earth ponies are usually durable, and I’m pretty big. I don’t wanna roll over and squish someone by accident.” I repeat, and adjust my hold on her.

“This wasn’t exactly what I thought was gonna happen, tonight.” Poppy whispers. “But... it’s nice. Thank you.”

“Eh, this was more for me.” I admit, and I yawn heavily as the last of my will to stay awake vanishes. “You’re likely not the only one who thought this would go differently.”

All I feel is warm and fuzzy... yeah... I can sleep like this... mmm

Jump to top

Prologue

I sit atop a small hill, overlooking Ponyville. So much has happened and so much time has passed... but it looks the same. Even after both demon attacks it’s rebuilt and just as... normal. It’s so normal. Why is it ‘normal’ to me!? I must have lived here on Terra too long, ponies aren’t supposed to be ‘normal’! And yet... they’ve... I’ve gotten used to them and their world. I’m not happy with it, much less that damned Princess Celestia...

Just thinking her name I feel the urge to spit. What a load of shit she is... But I have friends here, I can’t just up and leave. The Pinkie clones would miss me for sure, and though Discord could follow me anywhere, not everyone could. I mean Clark would be all for a complete change of scenery... though if I had to go somewhere I’d like to bring Myrna and Anne with me.

Then again, I kind of burned any bridges with those two when I literally burned my handprints into their chests... they wouldn’t stop fighting though! But I guess I didn’t have to use my powers. Yeah, this weird Star Core... dunno how I even got it but... this second life has been bittersweet all over, and my powers are nearly the only thing that has been absolutely beneficial.

I’ve made friends... but I’ve also completely ruined some friendships as well, not to mention my love-life has even worse prospects than it had before everyone I knew and cared about was killed. Well, except for Clark.

I mean, I turned Twilight into an unrecoverable sobbing mess! I meant every word I said when I yelled at her and I won’t take it back... but even if I’m not sorry, I’m at least... regretful I suppose. Beyond that, I completely broke Scootaloo’s heart... I mean, she says she’s okay but... she was like what? Twelve or something? I practically walked all over her heart without even realizing it, I might have screwed her up for life like that!

My crimes of the heart didn’t end there as I recall the possible disastrous outcome of trying to force Rarity to tell Spike how she really felt about him...

Beyond all that I’ve gotten AJ arrested... even if it was kind of her fault. I take the Lyre and strum it, but I don’t feel like having music for once so I just replace the Lyre on my belt attached to the Sword. I’ve screwed up big time, and none of them but Clark even knows my goddamn real name! To them it’s just ‘Anthony’ this and ‘Anthony’ that. But I guess I chose a new name to go with my new life, which turned out to be only slightly less craptastic than my previous one.

I know Earth being turned into a dead planet isn’t my fault but it feels like a lot of this day-to-day garbage could just be avoided if I wasn’t involved. I sigh heavily. Wouldn’t be the first time I figured everything would be better if I just never existed, and probably won’t be the last. I mean, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I really a hero like everyone claims I am, or am I just a fucked-up man-child with an impressive winning streak?

Well... maybe Anthony’s adventures on Terra don’t have to end per se... A thought runs through my mind. Yeah, but it involves time travel, that could be dangerous... Unless... Hmmm... If I take into account the butterfly effect and memory loss...

I roll the thought around in my head and it slowly forms into a plan. I could go back to the very beginning... no, reset everything, and start everything all over again from the moment I first got here. Laws of probability combined with my uncannily shitty luck would probably end up with different outcomes. That’s what I need to do. I need to... uh... how?

I sit down and continue my pondering, idly pulling up grass by the fistful and dropping the torn grass blades back onto the ground. Maybe I’d even get a new powerset, too. The star core is cool and all but... eh, guess that’s for the cosmic dice to decide. But that still leaves the how. I recall Twilight telling me of her foray into time travel magic and it’s not quite what I want, and I doubt even their princess of sunshine and bullshit could even accomplish what I want. I’d have to get Discord or... the person who gave magic to ponies in the first place...

Yes! I can do this! I just have to cash in a favor. I Spark Up and, running at near lightspeed, I get to the Golden Oaks library in a few moments. Heading inside and up to my little add-on of a room, I check my special hiding place. Yep, it’s still here.

I hold the orb up to the light. A gift from Black Annis, the most powerful hag in the known timeline. More powerful than possibly even Discord. And as I recall, I just make a wish and this trinket grants it, no strings attached, no misinterpretations or restrictions, a one-time straight-up wish.

I have my way out, I can start over completely new without a shred of knowledge of what’s to come, and an opportunity to let just about every die be rerolled, give every coin a second flip. I may not even end up in Ponyville...

The thought of having another chance makes me feel kind of giddy inside. All my mistakes and accomplishments erased along with any problems I may have caused to anyone on the whole planet, and even the constellations wouldn’t know who I am if I’m right. I really would like a redo on my meeting with Lyra. Well, maybe just the second time.

Bah, I finally have a second chance and I’m gonna use it. I grasp the fruit-sized orb in my palm and squeeze with intent to break. And sure enough the little sphere crumbles and I announce my wish, emphasizing my desire by using my Absolute Voice.

<REWIND!>

Silence... no noise or glowing or anything. I know these things work, and they’d only break if I made a wish so it knows I-

Woah, there it is... that weird magical feeling when I feel I’m being affected by some kind of... well, magic. There’s a sensation like I’m falling while standing up, and... I can’t see. I’m falling stationary into a void, not unlike my self-imposed dream I use whenever I can’t sleep...
And I feel something... I can’t quite place it... what is this...?

Like, a drain, but sort of invigorating... my mind... getting fuzzy, like when I’m... I’m... where do I know this from...? Numb... cold... faraway... dark... peaceful

“What is it?”
“I don’t know...”

Jump to top

What the heck is a CMC?

I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I’m woken up.

“Rarity, I’m home!” Owww that is a high pitch...

“Oh, hello, Sweetie Belle. Don’t forget to wipe your hooves on the mat.”

“I know, I did.” The voice is definitely youthful. There’s silence for about three seconds, then a scream. “What’s that!?” My eyes snap open from sheer volume, letting me get a look at a tiny white pony with two-tone hair.

I pick up the little white pony by her midsection and reply. “Something that doesn’t wanna be disturbed.” I put the shaking filly back on the ground and fold my arms. “Am I clear?”

Somehow, she manages to stammer out a reply. “Y- yes mister...”

“Smart kid.”

She dashes up the stairs as fast as she can. I assume there’s a living space up there. What business buildings don’t have sleeping accommodations around here?

Rarity, still at her sewing machine, addresses me. “Did you have to be so harsh, Anthony?”

“No,” I grump at her.

She huffs. “Obviously, but I mean... why?”

“Because remembering something is easier if it scares you.” I shrug at the obviousness of the answer.

“You are absolutely terrible.” Rarity fumes.

“Yep.” Strangely, she actually continues with the clothes. If it were me, I’d kick the bastard out in a second.

After a while, I’m woken up again. My leg is being poked. Out of all possible happenstances, it’s most likely that filly. Obviously she doesn’t realize I’m awake, as she continues her ‘inspection’. Why is it that the first thing kids try is poking me?

I can still hear the sewing machine running. That’s expected, I doubt anyone in equestria has made any clothes for a human.

The filly has changed her tactics. She’s lifted up my pant leg and is feeling around my calf. I decide to remind her of our agreement. “Enjoying yourself, kid?”

I get a startled “Eep.” as my response. This time I pick her up by her tail. “Now, what do you think I’m going to do?”

I watch her wide eyes as her mind races, trying to come up with what might be her fate.

“L- let me go?” That tone is so hopeful, it sounds almost deluded.

“Well, let’s go over what I could do...” I start.

She gulps audibly as I begin.

“I could boil you alive, I could throw you into a fridge until you either freeze or suffocate, I could bury you alive with three minutes of air and see if you can dig yourself out in time, I could stomp on you so hard your spine snaps...”

She’s crying now, but I recognize it as the kind of crying a kid does to get out of trouble and I resolutely ignore it. Fake tears are pointless

“I could tie you to a board and throw knives at you until you get stabbed. I could squeeze your head until your skull cracks. I could tear off body parts until you die from blood loss. I could find out what roasted filly tastes like. I could do all sorts of things. Now, what do you think I’m going to do, furball?”

She whimpers, eyes still wet but the crocodile tears are gone.

“I’m going to give you one more chance.” I set her down again. “Dont. Screw. This. Up.”

She nods rapidly and rushes back up the stairs. I turn to Rarity, staring at me, looking like she’s going to be sick. Finally she finds words. “You’re an animal!”

“Aren’t we all?” I ask. After all, a mammal is a mammal.

“That’s not what I meant, that was the most disgusting display I’ve ever witnessed! To suggest you’d do such things, and to a filly no less!”

“Nobody said you had to like me.” I head for the door, and then the door swings open and I am magically pushed outside.

“Don’t show your face around my boutique again! Nopony does that to my little sister!” The door slams shut. I head back to the library.

I’m walking along, when there’s suddenly something in my path that wasn’t there before, and I trip. Once I pick myself up off the ground, I realize that whatever tripped me is groaning.

Again, another young pony, this one orange with a helmet on. She gives me a weird look, then looks down and yells. “What the hay!?”

“What’s your problem, kid?”

“You broke my scooter, jerk!” I’m already in a bad mood, and now she’s blaming me for something?

Scowling, I retort, “You were in my way!”

“What are you anyway?” she says, scowling right back at me, “Doesn’t matter, you owe me a new scooter!”

“The heck I do, if you can’t watch where you’re going, you deal with your own problems.”

“Pay. Me. Back!” This kid has attitude. Well, so do I.

“Soak. Your. Head!” Then, the most unexpected thing happens. She tries to punch me. “You think that’s gonna hurt?”

“Not as much as Rainbow Dash will hurt you when she hears about this!” I roll my eyes.

She’s ran off, leaving her broken scooter at my feet. Weird kid...

I realize I’m kind of hungry, and I see a bunch of market stalls. One of them should have food.

Unfortunately, every market stall I approach immediately closes as soon as I’m within two meters. Jerks. I keep going, and eventually I see Applejack. At least she’d sell me something.

“Howdy Anthony. How’re ya doin’?” She twinges a bit when she says my name, probably because it gets stuck in the mouth of someone who uses contractions with every other word.

“Hungry. And nobody here seems to want my business.”

“Yeah, but hey, more business for the Apple Family!”

“That’s the attitude, AJ.” I hand her some Bits, the local currency that Twilight supplied me with, and I’m passed three apples.

Then I feel a tug on my pants. Looking down I see another kid, this one is yellow with a red mane and a pink hairbow almost bigger than her head. “Uh... hi mister...” At least she’s nice. “Are you, uh, Anthony?”

I’m a little surprised at this, someone who doesn’t recognize me knows my name. “Yes, I am. Do you need something?”

Applejack responded for the filly. “I’ve been tellin’ mah kin ‘bout ya. They all wanna meet ya, but there never seemed to be a good time for it. This here’s Applebloom, she’s mah li’ sister.”

“I see. Well, I’m actually free right now, nothing else to do for the rest of the day.”

“This’s perfect! Ah’m gonna close up here in a couple hours and head back to Sweet Apple Acres. Ya can come with and meet the rest o’ th’ Apple Family.”

Well, that does sound better than doing nothing. “Deal, but uh... I think I’ll keep my distance for now. I’m not very good at attracting customers.”

“Yeah, they jus’ needa get used t’ya. Don’t know how long that’ll take, tho’.”

Now AJ, Applebloom and I are headed back to Sweet Apple Acres. It’s actually the first place I’ve heard of which has a name that is completely relevant to their business. Carousel Boutique didn’t look like a carnival ride, The library isn’t even yellow, let alone golden, so that just sounds weird. Sugarcube Corner comes close, but misses the mark if you ask me.

It’s quite the trek to the farm, and I’m not tired, but I’m pretty sure we aren’t in Ponyville anymore. A big red barn comes into view, so I at least know we’re close.

As Applejack leads us to the farmhouse, a big red stallion comes up. And I mean big. This guy is built like a freaking army tank. Also, he doesn’t even blink when he sees me. Props, big red guy, you have my respect already.

“Howdy, Big Mac, this here’s Anthony, we’ll get you met proper once we’re settled and Granny’s awake.” Another twinge at my name. Maybe she doesn’t like it. Oh well.

“Eeyup.”

Not big on talking apparently. I don’t like chatterboxes much anyway.

After a while, I’m sat down at a table with a bunch of ponies, Applejack informs me that they planned on having me for dinner. Since I’m getting free food, complaining is the last thing I’m going to do. Anyway, introductions start before we actually eat, but that’s fine with me. Applejack begins, pointing to Big Mac. “This here’s Big Macintosh. He’s my big brother and he does all the really heavy lifting and plowing around here.”

“Eeyup.” Comes the stallion’s reply.

“Heh, he don’t usually have much ta say.”

“Nope.” The stallion says, staying a man of few words.

“Ya’ll already met ‘Bloom back at th’ market.”

Applebloom asked me a rather sudden question. “How strong are ya? D’ya think you’re stronger than Big Mac?”

I just shrug. “I see no reason why we’d have to compete over something like that, so I honestly don’t care.”

“Nope.”

“Heh, guess ya ain’t gettin’ yer answer from them, sis. Anyway, that over there is Granny Smith. She was here when Ponyville was still just a patch o’ dirt”

“Howdy-doo, young’un.” Well this mare is... old. Very old. But I wasn’t about to suggest she was weak, oh no, my own grandmother proved that old people could be strong folks.

“Hiya.” I paused. I noticed something was missing. Brother, Sister, Grandma... Where’s AJs parents? “So AJ, is this really everyone?”

“Well... not really. But they ain’t... uh... here.”

The realization catches me. “Oh, I see.” That sucks.

“Yeah, they’re at their own places all over Equestria.” She then proceeded to list off the most spectacular amount of names I’d ever heard in one sitting. This was one huge family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Nieces, Nephews, and the she mentions their extended family including the Oranges. Heh, Apples and Oranges, that’s funny.

Anyway, Applejack produced name after name after name, enough to drown me in words if such a thing was possible. As she kept on a rant that I had to assume either involved extreme memory or lots of practice, the rest of the family, well, the ones that were here that is, set the table and brought out the food.

Once dinner is finished, it’s time for me to leave and the Apples to go to bed. As I walked down the path away from the farmhouse, I noticed someone was following me. I stopped, and eventually my tracker, Applebloom, caught up. She handed me an apple fritter.

“Here, ya can have this for free. I made it mahself!”

“Thanks ‘Bloom, that’s great!” I like this filly. She’s nice!

“I hope ya come visit again soon, this was fun!” I agree that we should do this again sometime and continue to the field by the schoolhouse. I take a big bite out of the treat. Applebloom did a fantastic job. I think she’s the nicest filly I’ve met today.

I wake up in the field, and surprisingly, I do so of my own volition. I sit up and enjoy the sun on my skin. In fact, I take off my shirt since it’s so warm. I should still have a few minutes before I head to work. I think about what happens when I Spark. My body goes somewhat see-through, so...

I look down at my bare chest, and Spark up. What I see is really cool. It seems my body just turns into energy of some sort, as my upper body has less of a shape, but more of a suggestion around a white pulsing core. I realize the core isn’t quite where my heart is, more centered in the middle of my ribcage area, and its pulses are much more smooth, and far slower than, my heartbeat. Cool.

I put on my shirt and head off to the train station. I grab the shovel, but after a while I just end up tossing coal in with my hands. I start thinking about how I can Spark or grow but not both. They seem to be separate abilities, I ponder what other powers I might have if any. I Spark up and look at my hand. There’s no coal dust on it. I revert, and there’s still no dust, as if Sparking just cleaned me off. Of course my clothes are still filthy, but my skin is perfectly fine. Weird.

I pick up a lump of coal and toss it into the furnace. I decide that it’s rather slow so I grab a handful... but I just end up holding a single lump. I swear I... Woah. I’m holding at least five lumps, but they weigh almost nothing. I know for a fact that coal is denser than this, no matter what world you’re in.

I pick up the entire pile. It weighs nothing. No way. And they should be falling apart, there’s no way I’m supporting the entire pile with just two arms. Celestia and I already tested my strength. Thinking about it, I thrust a fist into the side of the train car as hard as I can.

*CLANNNNG*

“Sonofabitch that hurts!”

Okay, I’m not any stronger. But then... how did I lift the entire pile of coal? I pick up a medium sized chunk and inspect it. I squeeze my fist around it, and it starts to crumble. I close my fist, and when I reopen it, there’s nothing but black powder. All I can think of is how that pile of dust used to be a solid chunk of coal. And as I think it, the dust forms back into a solid lump once more.

“Woah...”

I look at my clothes. They’re coated in coal dust. I wave my hand over my shirt, and all the dust lifts off, pooling into my hand. I reform the dust into lumps once more. I look to the pile once more. I hold out my hand, and I command a lump of coal into my grasp. The lump flies up and slaps into my palm. I aim my hand and the coal at the furnace, and the lump flies into the inferno. This is incredible. Wait... the inferno... I take another lump and focus on it. It’s main use as a combustible energy source. Combustion. Fire...

The lump ignites! I can actually burn and manipulate coal at will! It’s a little tiring, but I could do it all day!

I turn my focus to the rest of the pile. It floats up into the air. All of it. I then crush the entire ensemble into dust, and swirl it around me. Then, I form it into one giant ball of solid coal. I then try more. It becomes a perfect sphere, then a cube. Multiple polygons later, I realize just how much control I have. I don’t know why it only seems to work with coal, but it’s so amazing I honestly don’t care. Admittedly, I can feel its weight, but even the massive pile, in the form of a massive ‘ingot’, is almost nothing. It’s like picking up a one-pound weight, nothing more.

I notice that my shift is up, and so I head home, but not before pocketing a lump and converting the floating cubicuboctahedron into the pile it used to be. I didn’t want anyone to walk in and find any complex polyhedra lying around. Well, I make it into cubes, anyways. Easier to move around.

I walk down the road, levitating the lump of coal above my hand, repeatedly converting it from dust to solid. Suddenly, an idea hits me. I ignite the coal. I make it burn hot. Hotter. Blazing heat radiating from it. Soon, it’s white-hot. Perfect. I apply pressure to it mentally. As much pressure as I can. I focus on the carbon that is the coal’s atomic makeup.

Pressure. Heat. Pressure. Heat. I start to sweat from exertion. Ignore it, I gotta keep my focus. Soon, I can’t put any more energy into the process. I drop the glowing lump on the ground and catch my breath.

I take another look at the lump. It takes a minute to cool down, and realize my success. A diamond. It’s rounded and sort of mashed like the lump it used to be, but this is fantastic.

Panting, I stand up and raise the diamond above my head, examining it in the light of the sun.

“What in the world?” I see my new trinket has gathered the attention of a certain white unicorn. This route must be one she takes often.

I respond. “It... it’s a diamond.” Whoo, that kinda took it out of me.

“May... may I see that?”

I hand it to her, she levitates it close to her eye as she studies it. “The shape is negligible, but nevertheless... this is amazing. Where in Equestria did you find this, Anthony?” She seems to have completely forgotten her utter hatred of me.

“I made it.”

“Really? How long did it take you?”

I check the clock tower and make an estimate. “About three minutes.”

“Anthony, I’m serious.” She says, looking at me disbelievingly.

“So am I. I’m just as shocked as you are.” I admit, raising my arms a bit.

She looks at me. “You... you really aren’t lying...?”

“I need another lump of coal. I have to show Twilight!”

I grab the diamond back and put it into my pocket. I Spark up and think about how I ran when I was racing Rainbow Dash. It only takes a few moments this time before I burst forward. I then realize my chance. I’m going to run another test with my intangibility. I look ahead and see a few ponies moving some piece of furniture. I head right for them and act as though they aren’t even there. The ponies freak out as they see me coming, I’m most likely just a blur of radiating cyan light. Nothing will stop me. And it doesn’t.

I dash straight through the couch. I’m an untouchable glow of extreme speed. I realize I need to turn a corner. Uh oh. I think fast and hope my plan works. As soon as I reach where I need to change direction, I angle my body to the side and kick the ground, pushing me to the side. I’m launched down the road and I straighten my path. I’m sure doing that made me lose a lot of speed, but so far I don’t care. I do know from previous experience that sudden stops end badly, so I accept that if I plan on stopping, I’ll have to slow down first.

I’m approaching the library, so I calm my pace down to a rapid trot and then just a fast walk. I power down and enter the building. I do get an attack of dizziness and some bright floaties once I stop glowing though. Okay, no extreme power usage and then switching powers like that... not healthy.

“Twilight!” I shout up the stairs. “Get your notebook, I have new powers!”

“What!?” The response came from the upper room. I jump up the stairs and open the door to her bedroom. Once she sees me, she looks furious. “Don’t yell in a library, it’s supposed to be quiet.” I ignore her and pull the diamond out of my pocket. The sight of the gem shuts her up rather quick. She’s stammering. Then, she explodes in anger. “You stole a diamond!?”

I’m almost blown back by her outburst, she is practically foaming at the mouth. I am honestly scared for my safety. I swear her mane is smoking.

“N- no, I didn’t.” I say, throwing up my hands defensively. “I made this! I swear!”

She is hyperventilating, eyes wide. It’s not until she drops to the ground that I realize she had been levitating. She must have been quite angry.

“Anthony... please. Just... what?” Her hyperventilating has calmed down to ragged breathing.

“Sit down, Twi. I’m gonna tell something that’s gonna freak you out.”

“So... you can manipulate coal, set it on fire, and turn it into diamond?” Twilight asks incredulously.

“Take a look.” I say, grinning as I hand the diamond to her

She levitates the diamond closer to her face. “Well... there’s not much denying this used to be a lump of coal, given the shape, but I’d expect a bit more deformation...”

“If I can get some coal, I could show you.”

“I’ll see what I can do, but I’m sure the princesses would like to see this as well.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” I admit, I am more than ready to show off now that I’ve gotten used to the power for the most part. Around half an hour later, the two princesses arrive.

“What in Equestria is so important that I must be woken up at this abhorrent hour, sister?” Luna asks with a yawn.

“Anthony has something to show us.” Celestia explains, not sounding very interested herself.

Luna gives a half-asleep shrug. “I’ve already seen what he is capable of.”

I cross my arms. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

“Forgive me if I *yawn* withhold my enthusiasm...” Luna remarks sarcastically. Man, she’s grumpy when she doesn’t sleep.

“Forgiven. Now take a look at this.” I hold up a lump of coal Twilight provided me with. At the moment, she is off to the side armed with parchment, a quill, and protective goggles. Smart girl, that one.

“It is coal.” Luna says, visibly annoyed. Then I turn it to dust and swirl it around her head. I stop the swirling and form it into a cube. “Amazing...” Luna seems hypnotized.

I then grab the cube in my thumb and index finger, and squish it back down into dust. I throw it up into the air, and stop the dust in midair, the particles hovering in the air like an inverted night sky. Luna and Celestia stare at the display in speechless shock.

“Would you kindly bring me more coal?” I ask, and I can feel myself smiling hard.

Celestia casts a teleportation spell, summoning a bag of coal in front of me. “Now I’ll do something interesting.” I pull up a bunch of coal, and add it to my own, and make a perfectly round orb. I continue showing a bunch of shapes. Curves, faces, angles, twists. I return it to a sphere. I toss it into the air and it starts spinning. It splits into two and, as dust once more, I pull it around my hands, where it solidifies. I have made a nice set of gauntlets.

I grab the rest of the coal from the sack and form a thick, round barrier around me which tessellates into a mass of thin, sharp blades. The blades fly up and whirl around in the air, and become edged wheels, flattening further into saw blades. At this point, Twilight has moved to her third ink well. The blades combine, becoming dull and long. I grab it and give my new baseball bat a few heavy swings. The bat thins out and lengthens into a sword. I hold the blade up, pointing it’s blade toward the ceiling, then bring it down with a rapid slash. There’s still some coal left over, so I use it to fashion myself a buckler as well.

Celestia approaches me. “Anthony, that’s... fantastic! You-”

I hold up my hand to stop her. “If you would please step back, I will continue.”

Celestia backs up once more. Luna is too amazed to say or do anything. I feel so incredible. The immortal princesses of Equestria are awestruck by me. Me!

I remove the buckler, and focus on the sword. It bursts into flame, causing gasps of surprise from all three ponies present. I swing it around, a trail of flame following the blade with each slice. I then compress the sword into a pair of balls of fire. I toss them around, controlling their movements through the air, like small meteors, blazing around the room at high speed. I then have them slam into each other and burst like a firework, flaming coal pebbles rain from the explosion. I then form them into a giant ring of fire overhead. I put it out and bring it down, compressing it along with more coal into a solid crescent moon shape. Luna walks up to it, but I stop her.

“The finale is not over yet.” I pause. “If you don’t have protective eyewear, I’d suggest you stay far back.”

Both princesses back up, not taking their eyes off my sculpture. I focus on what I did with the other lump of coal. If I can make a diamond that retains it’s shape...

My equine audience stares on as I heat it up. I repeat the earlier process. Sweat beads on my forehead. I wipe it away, putting more effort into the conversion. After a while, I’m worn out. I don’t remember falling, but I’m on my knees anyway. The white hot coal cools, revealing a stunning formation. The diamond is in a perfect crescent-moon shape, exactly as it was as coal. I’m so tired.

Luna approaches me once more. I hand the jewel to her. Her voice sounds like I’m under water again, and I black out.

Jump to top

Through the Lookinglass Gate

Author's Note

Sorry about the delay, been dealing with school stuff. Will post the rest of the arc later.

Through the Lookinglass Gate

Two weeks later... ish

Today is the day. Cadence sent down letters to Twilight, Pinkie and I, that the Lookinglass Gate that leads from Canterlot to Wunderland would only be open for another two days on this side. As such, we’re all packed up, and ready to go, and we’re sitting on the train to Canterlot.

With any luck, we’ll only take a few weeks there, but I’ve been warned over and over again that the time we spend there might not be the time spent here.

In fact, Twilight’s going over that again, while Pinkie and I are playing a card game and ignoring her. Besides, I’m not stupid, I’ve read enough theoretical physics and sci-fi to understand that things can get weird when moving to a new world or whatever Wunderland is.

Anyway, I’m rather surprised, because Pinkie has the best poker-face ever. She never stops smiling, which makes it really hard to tell what she has. This is difficult.

“D’you have a three?” she asks.

“Yes...” I place the card down on the table.

“Wait, so do I go fish? Or wait, what are we playing again?” This is the other problem with playing against Pinkie - she knows too many games, the rules all there in full.

“At this point, we could be playing ring toss. I have no idea.” Then I get an idea. I get some coal out. For the trip, I upgraded from a pouch to a saddlebag Rarity modified into a satchel for me. I make a little loop about two inches in diameter and tossed it at Twilight, trying to get it to land on her horn... without cheating.

The engrossed unicorn doesn’t seem to notice until Pinkie lands the first ring, and Twilight goes cross-eyed to look at it. “Wha-?”

Pinkie and I jump up and yell “Score!” Our arms raised.

“What are you two doing?” She asks, looking baffled by the ring’s presence. “What’s going on?”

“It’s called ring toss.”

Pinkie giggled. “It’s a lot of fun, Twilight! Ooh, I just had an idea, can you move your head back and forth?” Twilight lets out an exasperated sigh and rolls her eyes. Pinkie lands another ring on Twilight’s horn.

“Aw come on, Twilight, why are you only fun when you aren’t participating?” I ask, rolling my eyes, annoyed by the unicorn’s persistence at being a killjoy.

Twilight ‘humph’s and lays down on the seat, her horn at the perfect angle for the ring toss. She used her magic to levitate the two rings off of her horn and drop them on my lap. “Spoilsport...” Pinkie muttered. Her moods seem more... moody than usual.

“So, now what? We’ve still got another, like, twenty minutes until we arrive.” Suddenly a thought hits me and I grin. “You know, when we get back from Wunderland, it’ll only be about five weeks before we release Discord!”

Twilight glared at me. “Might only be five weeks! Have you not been listening? The temporal-”

“Yeah, you’re right, he might think we forgot about him! Maybe we should free him and take him along...”

“No!” Twilight is such a grump sometimes... She needs to get out more.

“Well, I guess that’s your opinion. I can’t imagine being turned to stone is very comfortable. Rainbow Dash certainly hated it. I just don’t feel right imprisoning someone longer than we have to.” I reply, folding my arms.

Twilight looks uncomfortable, shifting in her seat. It doesn’t look like she want to think too hard on that, tucking her hooves under her chest like a cat. It’d probably be more adorable if she wasn’t having to sort through a moral conundrum.

I decide to just keep messing with her. It’s the only way I can have any real fun with her anyways. “You know, that might be something to write down. After all, the more we know about various forms of petrification, the better. For all we know, it could be different. Though Rainbow did mention it felt like constant suffocation.” I pause to let that sink in. “We should really do all we can to help Myrna. And if it’s the same for Discord...” I shudder. “A thousand years of that, and now three more years...”

Pinkie and Twilight both looked deeply disturbed by the thought, and the air in the train-car turns sour with tension. Some start to a vacation this is... Hey, maybe there’s a chance I could at least go say ‘hi’ to Discord before I go, to at least say that I’ll be back as soon as I can. Rainbow said she could hear while stone, just not speak or move.

“Well, in any case, I’m gonna go for a walk around the train. I’ll take my opinions on the moral treatment of our adversaries we hope to befriend with me, I suppose.”

The two ponies shuffle in their seats as I leave, shutting the dividing door gently. I turn and see that I’m in some kind of dining-car, and there’s a bunch of ponies in business suits and the like clustered around either a minibar or a few tables attached to the train itself. They’re all staring at me, and I get the feeling that they stopped their conversations when I walked in.

“So, what do you guys do for fun on train rides?” I ask, sitting down, addressing the ponies nearest to me.

The entire car goes back to their business, the colt and the mare I’d sat across from shrugging. The mare glances at the stallion, and he glances back to her. “Mostly, we drink, or we wait. Ain’t much else to do for... business ponies.” he says. He’s wearing some kind of long coat and wide hat, and she’s wearing the same, but I don’t really care enough to eyeball their clothes.

“Really? You can’t be on business all the time. Come on, just relax. Sing a song, play a game! Live!”

The ponies glance left and right, almost perfectly in sync. The colt leans closer to me, while keeping an eye towards the bartender. “Listen, bud, we ain’t gotta thing to do, right now. We’re, uh, layin’ low. You got cards? We’ll play cards if you keep quiet.”

"You on the run or something? What'cha do, put hot sauce in someone’s coffee and they hire an assassin?” I whisper, keeping my voice down.

The two snickered. “Heh, sure, let’s go with that. Now, let’s play cards and not be conspicuous. I think the bartender’s already got us pegged.”

“You’re asking me,” I gesture to my very noticeably non-pony figure. “to look inconspicuous?”

The two look me up and down. “Howsabout you look more conspicuous than us? That’s a bit better than all of us being-"

The bartender, who had moved quietly and swiftly to the table without me noticing, clears his throat. “Sir, madam.”

The two ponies groan and face-table. The Bartender leans forward, eyes narrowing. “I must ask you... May I have your autographs? My niece is a big fan of the Wonderbolts.”

My table companions groan again. “I’m sure she is.” The colt sighs, and doffs his hat, revealing a powder-blue mane and blue coat. A wing snaps out from under the coat, gripping the proffered quill and signs the picture shoved at him by the bartender. The mare follows suit with a sigh, her hat coming off to reveal a literal fiery-looking mane and yellow fur.

I pause. “Why don’t you just say no? You wouldn’t believe all the fans I have, and I usually just say no. Why all the hiding?”

As the words left my mouth, I see that the dozen or so ponies have all pulled open their own coats, are now using old flashbulb cameras to snap dozens of pictures a second. The light is blinding, even to me.

“Okay, I’ll handle this.” I Spark up and rush across each of the paparazzi, and taking their cameras, before returning to the table, Powering down, and removing the film from each of the cameras. “As I said, why don’t you say no?”

The orange mare smiles gently and gives a quiet laugh. “What, and leave some poor little filly crying, because she got turned down by the Wonderbolts? It’s a tradition to sign it all, but ponies have been getting more and more inventive on tracking us down for autographs. It’s why we rarely stay still anymore.” She glares over at the paparazzi, who all back off, sheepish grins in place. I’m tempted, if only for a moment, to smash their cameras, but they’re just doing their jobs.

“So do what I do when I have to. I tell them that unless they ask first and are polite then they can take pictures or get you to sign stuff, or they get nothing. I only do it for nice people.”

The colt sighed, crossing his hooves. “Yeah, the last time we tried to limit our autographing, it took three wings of Stormbringers to stop the fires. Chickago hasn’t been the same since.”

“Well, I guess that is a problem, but technically that’s their fault. Eh just forget it, I’m probably not much help. Different kind of fame and all.”

The two ponies nodded, as I hand back the now-empty cameras. The film is mine now, and I’ll probably burn it once we’re somewhere I can safely dispose of it. The Wonderbolts offer me a drink from their bottle of whiskey.

“Canterlot’s only about a minute away, might as well have a drink to part with, eh?” the stallion asks, sliding a shot glass to me.

“Yup, I suppose so.” I pour some whiskey out into the glass and knock it back at once. I shiver from the sensation, but it’s not the hardest drink I’ve ever had. “Not bad stuff there. Guess when you’re famous you get the good stuff.”

The orange mare shook her head. “Nah, that’s just the normal stock. My uncle makes Firewhiskey, he’s named after it.” She pauses for a moment. “Or it’s named after him. I’ve never really looked into that.”

The whistle blows to announce our arrival at Canterlot. I get up and head back to the train car with Twilight and Pinkie. Technically I could just phase out of the side of the train and wait for them, but I’d rather not if the train is still slowing down. Within half an hour, we’ve assembled, met up with Cadence, who shares the strangest greeting with Twilight. I say ‘hi’, and decide to excuse myself to check up on Discord. I get there and I take a look at the statue.

According to the princesses, his first time, he was laughing. When I saw him first, he was scared. Right now, he just looks confused and peeved.

“Heya man.” I obviously get no answer. “Yeah, sorry about that, I really only did that ‘cause I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. You understand, right?” Still no response, I just get that frozen, annoyed face. “Yeah, yeah, I’m a party-pooper. Seriously though, I really would love to do that again, we just need to get the others to trust you. And that’s gonna take some work."

I sit in silence for a bit, and Celestia walks up to me. “And what are you doing here?”

“Saying hello to Discord.”

“Well, forgive me for a bit of skepticism. When a guard reported he saw you coming this way, I assumed I had to fear the worst.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I feel bad for a guy who’s been turned to stone. I’ve got a few ponies with experience who say it’s absolutely dreadful.” I say pointedly at the large mare, a bit of bite to my tone.

“Dreadful or no, he should be punished for his actions. I’m aware that we will attempt to reform him within the next month, and I hope you are right that he can be trusted."

“Well, trustworthy or not, I can’t imagine how it would feel to be stuck standing in a garden, unmoving, unable to see or speak at all for a thousand years. I mean, just a hundred would be extreme torture in my opinion. Petrifaction is not something to joke about.”

Celestia just looks up at Discord’s statue, her face a mask as usual. We stand in silence for nearly a minute, before she turns back to me. “We all have our sins to bear, Anthony. Do not assume I made the decision to return him to stone lightly.” She sighed.

“You didn’t make the decision at all, I went and got Twilight and we zapped him. You were nowhere around.” I say, “Unless somehow during all the chaos you managed to get a letter to Twilight, but with the library in the state it was, I doubt that she’d read it, or even notice its arrival.”

“I meant the first time, Anthony. Or did you think he turned himself to stone and waited for my student and her friends for nearly one thousand years in stone?”

“Considering his opinion on the matter, no, I doubt that. As for the first time, second time, or even the third time, what’s it matter to you? You all hate him.” I remind her.

“No, Anthony, not all of us hate him. In fact, I’m fairly certain that most of the populace barely dislikes him.” she snaps, looking at me angrily.

I return the gaze. “And you had every opportunity to defend him when I first asked about him, but you just let your little ponies tell me all about how evil he was, and all the horrible things he did to them. Saying nothing is just as bad as agreeing.” I say sternly.

“None of us said he was evil, no matter how you wish to change the facts to put you in the right, Anthony.

“I’m not putting myself in the right, I’m putting Discord in the right. Petrification? Seriously? If that’s really how you choose to deal with problems you can’t handle civilly, I can see why he ‘dislikes’ you so much.”

“Well, for one, Anthony, ponies don’t choose how the Elements of Harmony react to what they target.” Celestia says, and I feel my mind grind to a halt. They have a super weapon, and they don’t even choose how it does things?!

“And it’s your choice to leave him in stone, not letting him out and giving him a more appropriate punishment, no? This is your garden by your castle in your country. If you disagreed with it in any way you have every opportunity to set it right, but you don’t. That’s as good as choosing to imprison him in stone in the first place.” I say, our stares reaching a fever pitch. “You willingly instill a fate worse than death on a living creature, and you find nothing wrong with that? You are sick.”

“And why do you draw the conclusion I see nothing wrong with this? I am not even sure if he can sense anything through this imprisonment... or if he’s even conscious. Some of those who’ve been petrified have stated they could, but some do not, and a few have been petrified more than once and reported different results.” she says, sounding sad.

I stomp my foot. “I don’t like curses like this. The way I see it, nobody deserves it. If what they’ve done is truly, truly unforgivable, I’d say just kill them. But in the case of Discord... I don’t think he really knew how much danger he was causing. Can you say any different?” I recall his comment when I confronted him at the top of Town Hall. “In fact, I know he didn’t. He just needs a lesson in the mortality of others. I don’t think he really wants to do any real damage to anyone. But you would rather trap him in a state where he may or may not be totally suffering.”

“I would rather he had not attacked my ponies in a fit of pique! Twice!” she snaps again, then sighs, expression softening. “I apologize, today has been rather... trying in court.” That’s her excuse for being an asshole to Discord for thousands of years? Pfft. Bitch.

“Well maybe you need to stop acting like your precious ponies are the only creatures who deserve happiness... Would certainly get you farther with me.” I say, glowering seriously before turning away.

“I have no problem with others having happiness, Anthony, as long as it is not at the expense of the innocent.” she says.

“And who decides who is innocent? Is Discord not innocent because he has the mind of a child and can’t piece together how to have fun while being friendly?”

She’s quiet for several seconds. I’m about to walk away when she speaks up, “He is not innocent of the harm he has caused. He knows he hurt others, though I will admit he may not have known how badly he hurt them. I don’t wish to make him out to be a demon, or a true monster... but I had no way to safely contain him and explain, and it seemed that a thousand summers spent taking time away to speak to his statue did nothing to help him when he returned.” she says.

“Hard not to, when you’re the one who sentenced him to his imprisonment and didn’t actually help him, just stood there and talked while he couldn’t even converse back. Do you not see how mocking that is? ‘Oh hi Discord, it’s me again. You know, your jailer? It’s such a nice day isn’t it? Too bad you can’t move. I’m really sorry about that, but not sorry enough to do anything about it because I can’t think about anything but my stupid ponies. Bye~e!’ ” I end my mocking voice. “Don’t you get that that’s what he might have heard when you talk about wanting to help someone and then do nothing at all? Heck, do you even think about others’ thoughts, or just assume that they’ll like you because you’re a damn princess?”

“I- no... yes? I mean...” she sighs heavily again, eyes closed. “I know ponies do. Not all of them, but the majority. Those that don’t tend to hate me. There’s no living, thinking thing that doesn’t care one way or another about me.” she says.

“Right, because the world revolves around you just because you move the sun around.” I scoff. “Frankly, I think I should release Discord and just leave. We’d both certainly be better off without you and your bullshit.”

“What brings this change, Anthony?” she asks, looking at me with confusion barely visible on her carefully schooled features.

“What change? I’ve always taken Discord’s side over yours, he deserves it after all.” I reply, breaking eye contact with the nearly featureless face of Celestia and returning my gaze to Discord, very clearly displaying his emotions even while frozen. “You’re not being held prisoner by some stupid horse.”

“You were very different at the spa...” She clarifies, finally making sense of her statement.

“Just because I pity you doesn’t mean I like you. I meant what I said earlier, but I also meant what I said before that. That’s a huge leg up on you.”

She shakes her head and sighs, but doesn’t say anything for several seconds. Eventually, she speaks up again, “Can I trust you won’t do anything reckless in regards to Discord, Anthony?” she asks.

“Considering that when reckless acts started occurring I immediately went and got help, going as far as to aid in the stopping of the reckless behaviour... the only appropriate answer that I can think of is ‘What kind of question is that?’ But something tells me you won’t trust me anyways if you have to ask.”

“Evidently, a rhetorical one.” she says, and begins to walk away. I can’t put my finger on it, but she looks different than she did earlier in the conversation.

I bid Celestia farewell and go over to meet the rest of my group. Shining Armor is saying goodbye to his wife and sister. I go over to Twilight. “Did he tell you about the time I beat him in a one-on-one match?” I smirk, folding my arms.

Twilight laughs, and shakes her head. “He’s only really a good barrier mage, he’s not too good if you can get around him. I used to have so much fun once I learned to teleport.” She chuckles.

I look over, and see Shining get glomped by his wife and given a large amount of Public Affection, to a point that the guards and I are looking pretty much anywhere but at the two of them. Man that is quite the kiss. I think my cheeks are on fire from looking at it.

“So, are we going, or do I need to get a crowbar?”

Cadence finally lets Shining go, and he falls bonelessly to the floor, a look of utter, happy stupefaction on his face. It also looks like he’s barely breathing, and Cadence sure looks winded. She smiles and looks around. “Alright, yeah, I’m ready to go!” She giggles and bounces into the room containing the Wunderland Lookinglass Gate. I’m expecting, from the measurements given in the textbook Twilight was quoting about them, that the Gate would only be about four feet tall.

A sheet of shimmering, rippling quicksilver is attached to the far wall of the room, surrounded by a frame of simple copper, the frame shrouded in verdigris. As I step in, a sheathed blade is slapped to my chest, and I grab it on reflex. I look down, and see a handle of steel, inset with ivory whorls, swirls, and filigree shapes of varying kinds. The sheath is barely as long as my forearm, but looks to be about the right size to strap to my leg. Some kind of short machete?

“Uh, this is a... soup spoon?” I have no idea, so I figure I should give a weird reaction.

The guard who gave it to me, built like a house and covered in muscles and scars, glares at me. “It’s a Vorpal Blade. That’s an eighty-thousand Bit investment, so don’t lose it. Also, don’t draw it unless you’re attackin’ something, or it’ll go after you.”

“Fine, fine. So I take it you’ll be joining us with the rest of the redshirts?”

“Redshirts? I’m an armorer. Now git, you’re stalling the line.” I turn, and see that the guards behind me are patiently waiting for me to move.

“Oh very well then. Alright everybody, walk this way!” I say, taking large, over dramatized steps, and moving my arms about. I turn back to them as I keep going. “Get it, because I said walk this way, as in walk like thi-” Suddenly I’m through the portal.

A feeling like falling, but up and sideways at once, with a strange feeling like being on a corkscrew rollercoaster, but in reverse, fills me. Stretching and pulling sensations seem to grab my limbs, threatening to tear my arms out of their sockets.

All at once, I’m not falling, turning, or anything, merely standing in a large clearing in a fairly normal-looking jungle, a wooden palisade surrounding ti and buildings set up in all directions.

I feel the overwhelming urge to grab the nearest person and yell about how awesome that ride was. It just so happened that the nearest to me was Twilight.

After my outburst, she looks a little rattled, but rallies pretty easily. As she recovers, I see that she’s in a full suit of nearly-modern looking combat armor, complete with a salad-bowl shaped helmet over her head, her cutie-mark painted onto the side of the uniform and on her helmet.

I sit up and express my joy. “Man, what a rush. I think I almost threw up! Oh man I hope that happens on the way back, too!”

Twilight shakes her head. “Well, maybe if y-” She’s cut off by Pinkie flying out of the portal behind us at a fair clip, shouting ‘Whee!’ and cannon-balling into me and Twilight.

I look up at her, and see she’s nestled quite snugly over me and Twilight, and is hugging us both while we’re here.

“See, that’s the kind of thing I’d expect from most people after a ride like that! Where’s Cadence?”

“She’s getting her body armor on! Isn’t this stuff awesomazing?” Pinkie hops into the air, landing in a heroic pose more suited to Dash, in order to show off the armor. She’s got saddlebags on each side, her body has contoured armor plates covering vitals. The least protective armor piece is the helmet, which looks like someone painted a salad bowl in matte camo, put her cutie-mark on it, and slapped it on her head, much like Twilight’s. Pinkie’s flanks had her cutie-marks painted on as well.

“Yeah, I suppose. That might even stop a bullet for you. Looks pretty good.”

Pinkie pronks in a circle as Twilight sits back up, rubbing her head for a moment. Then, she notices her helmet fell off. Pinkie is currently juggling it, her own helmet, and a few others.

“Heh, yeah Pinkie totally comes from Wunderland...” I surmise.

“Ooh! I wonder if mister Tuffles is still around! He’s such a good bird.” Pinkie smiles wistfully, then looks thunderstruck. “Omigosh, I gotta go say hi to my Granny Pie! Anthony, you wanna come with?” I’m about to say yes as Cadence comes through the portal, stumbling and walking sideways for a second. Her eyes spin in their sockets, but her armor is easily a decade or six better than Twilight’s and Pinkie’s, and has her cutie-mark on the chestplate. She’s also got holes for her wings, and I can see metal covers on the front of the leading primaries, covered in the swirling designs that adorn my own Vorpal Blade. Her wings flutter to balance herself.

“Well I guess we should wait for the guards... nah. You two just tell them where we went. Come on Pinkie, lead the way!”

Pinkie giggles, and begins to pronk along. In spite of the slow, bouncy movement, she seems to cover more than twice the distance she travels. She’s heading towards one of the wooden buildings in the established camp. Somehow, she’s going at least twice as fast as me.

“You think you’re fast?” I Spark up and rush forward. Or, at least, I try. Moments later, I find myself at the Lookinglass Gate instead, the complete opposite direction of Pinkie. What the- ? Oh, right. Wunderland, the biggest middle finger to physics in history. I turn back to where I wanted to go, and I follow the same path, this time walking at a normal pace.

In refreshingly little time, I’m in front of a small, wooden cabin near the palisade gate, next to Pinkie. She smiles broadly, and knocks on the door three times.

“Who’s there?” a voice says from within the cabin.

“It’s-a me! Pinkie!” She flounces the word. I’m not sure how, but it happens.

“I ask again, who goes there?” the voice calls out.

I’m feeling a little funny in the head, and I give a reply. “It’s the Spanish Inquisition, you probably weren’t expecting us!”

Pinkie turns to me, and I can feel the confused look from whoever the voice belonged to.

“Wh- what? That’s not how it goes!” the voice called, sounding both confused and angry.

“Sorry, didn’t know if you even knew the joke in the first place. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! There, better?”

Several moments of silence pass. “I live in Wunderland, and I can tell you, objectively, that makes no sense, whatsoever.” The door suddenly frowns at me, and I have to quash a sudden urge to flee.

“Well pardon me, it’s not my fault I’m the only one who gets my jokes.”

The door rolls its knot-eyes at me. “Sure, that’s what all the failed comedians say.” Pinkie face-hoofs beside me.

“Yeah, yeah. So do we need to say ‘open sesame’ or what?”

The door harrumphs. “Fine, no sense of tradition I see. Your grandmother will be most disappointed, Pinkamena.” The door swings open.

“I don’t even know most of the traditions around here outside of Wunderland. Wait, Pinkamena? That’s what Pinkie is short for?” I give Pinkie an odd look. “What kinda name is that?”

“Idunno, but everypony in my family has a long first name, a short middle name, and ‘Pie’ for their last name!” Pinkie smiles up at me, and begins to bounce into the small, one-story cabin. I just follow her in, not really knowing what to expect.

It’s a cozy, nice place. The whole place has a rustic, simple charm to it, and feels very lived-in. There’s a fireplace, unlit, and a few shelves with books on them. A grandfather clock stands against one wall, a slightly shorter one next to it, and more than a dozen egg timers all over the floor and desk nearby.

Pinkie is standing near the middle of the room, where another pony stands, looking about the same age as Pinkie. Except, that’s where the normality ends.

The pony hugging Pinkie has her mane tied back, and it’s zig-zagged in blue and green, and a black-and-white checkerboard pattern covers the front half of her coat. Her hindquarters are a riot of colors and shapes, angles and curves making a tough-to-look-at ‘pattern’ of indescribable complexity.

“Granny Pie, I presume?” I say, announcing myself, trying to step over and around the various egg timers. The mare looks young but, hey, Wunderland. My guess was as good as any, I figured.

The mare chuckles. “Why yes, I am! Most folks guess me to be crosswise older than I seem, and even my cranky grump of a cat thinks I should look older. Contrariwise, I’m no older than I don’t look, but only if you’re looking for how old I’m not.”

I’m starting to get into the hang of the whole Wunderland deal, even if it makes the scientist part of my brain want to feed my legs into a woodchipper along with a bag of salt. “So Pinkie mentions you, but doesn’t say much. How’s about I get to know you?”

Granny Pie smiles widely and puts a hoof to her chest. “Why, young mister, I do believe we’ve only met! Maybe we should leave that off ‘til the second or third date.” She winks and grins at me.

“Hah, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not gonna try anything. This man right here is reserved for humanoids only.”

Granny Pie takes two steps towards me, somewhere in that time becoming a fully-fleshed woman, clad in a simple set of clothing matching her previous colors. Her hair is still zig-zagged in blue and green. “Now now, don’t be giving me challenges if you don’t really wanna participate.” She smiles wider, reaching out to boop me on the nose.

“Yep, you’re definitely related to Pinkie, even if she doesn’t make as many dirty jokes.” I boop her back. She scoffs. “But honestly, nah, not that interested.”

“Hmph, well, I take offense to your calling my jokes ‘dirty’, I keep them washed often and well, and soap behind their ears. I could do no less, after all, they serve me quite well. I am a queen, you know.”

“Well, I apologize for my slang, your highness.” I give a little bow, barely missing stepping on a timer. “Is there a particular purpose for all of these?”

“They, like my dearest Pinkie here,” Granny Pie begins, shifting back to a pony in the moment I wasn’t paying attention, “Are visiting their grandparents.” She gestures at the two grandf- oh. I should’ve seen that coming...

“I see, well I apologize if I crashed this little family reunion.” At this point, I’ve just given up questioning things. Who cares, anyway?

Granny Pie grabs me in a bear hug. Well, grabs me in a hug, as an extremely flamboyantly furred bear. “Not at all! And you’re just in time for tea! I have presents for you both, you know. Did you know, Pinkamena’s grandfather was a hat-maker? Oh, that’s what first brought me to him, you know.” She set me down in a chair, a feeling of being railroaded pervading my mind. “Of course, I stayed because he was a unicorn, and chained me to a wall with words.” she sighed theatrically and wistfully. “It’s wonderful, to be understood.”

“I agree completely. Though when others don’t understand, it just makes it more fun to confuse them. I wonder if Twilight and Cadence will be joining us.”

“I doubt they wouldn’t not choose to stay away or come. There’s no reason to avoid coming to someplace you haven’t been if you’re already there.” I have the sneaking suspicion she’s going in circles on purpose now.

“Anyhow, I heard you had gifts for us. Are we allowed to guess what they might be?”

“Oh, of course! But be sure not to guess wrong, that’d be most tragic. After all, this is a true banquet! And we’ll have to eat our words later.” Granny Pie shuffles into what I assume is the kitchen humming some tune under her breath.

Pinkie turns her head, grinning wider than I’ve ever seen her grin before. “Oh, wow, isn’t my Granny Pie great?” She looks at me, eyes bright and twinkling.

“She’s fantastic! In multiple meanings of the word.” I ruffle Pinkie’s mane and follow Granny Pie, again avoiding the egg timers. I think for a moment. Would she mean we eat the literal words we spoke, or does she mean we will eat whatever we say? Or both? Hmmm...

I step into the kitchen and see that there’s only half of many of the appliances. Sitting on what I think is a wood stove, made of wood, is a cat, silver in color with pale green pinstripes running along its body. It’s completely asleep, but grinning to itself.

I decide to choose a word of a dessert that tastes good, but the letters aren’t too blocky. Suddenly, a dessert I haven’t had in ages pops into my head and I guess it before I can think not to, my memory of it so delicious.

“Is my gift tiramisu?”

Granny Pie turns her owl head over her shoulder, grasping a set of utensils in her wings. “No, but that’s a good guess, if guesses could make their own decisions. I suppose morality doesn’t have much to do with guesses, but it could if he put mind to it.” Wait, is morality the word, or a person? Hell, I’m just gonna say it’s both.

“So, Pinkie, you wanna guess what your gift is?” I call out to the main room.

“I hope it’s something I want, but don’t have!” she calls back. I can’t help but chuckle.

Granny Pie turns around, seamlessly shifting back into a human again, carrying a bowl full of red-orange goop. “Now that is a good idea. I suppose I should put it in for later.” she remarks, opening up the half-an-oven and putting the dish in it, opening a valve from the wooden wood stove to the oven. “Now, if you don’t mind, let’s go back to the main room. I believe your friends have wandered over here.” Granny Pie shifts again, this time into a massive cat of some kind, still striped and zig-zagged, and patterned however.

I do as I’m asked and head back to the main room, sitting down next to Pinkie.

She leans towards me, being as warm and snuggly as ever. Granny Pie smiles at the action, laughing quietly. “Well, I do wish that was a thing that hadn’t already not happened. There’s too little of too much of what you two almost had to not do.” she pauses, thinking over her own words for a second. “Hmm, that was a weird way to say things!” I couldn’t agree more.

Granny Pie tilts her head, looking at the clocks. “Ah, perfect! Right on time they failed to be! Almost an hour past the minute, in fact.” At exactly that moment, I hear a knocking on the door.

“Who is it?” Granny Pie asks, grinning widely, as the cat from the kitchen walks into the room, sniffing at Pinkie.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle!”

Granny Pie nods. “I ask again, who goes there?” She winks at me.

“I am Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight’s sounding a bit upset.

“Once more I ask, who knocks?”

“I am Twilight Sparkle, darnit!” Granny Pie pauses for a moment.

“Now just a minute, I thought you said you were just Twilight Sparkle?”

“I am!”

“That’s entirely up for debate.”

I hold back my laughter, Pinkie and Granny Pie doing the same as I hear Twilight growling and snarling outside in frustration. I can also hear Cadence laughing, through the door. Before Twilight can do anything more, the door swings open, and I can see her scowling face sweep the room. She growls again before entering.

I walk over and, holding back a laugh, I greet her. “Twilight! What a surprise!”

She gives me a look that, if looks could kill, would have vaporized me and the surrounding landscape. She glances around, before her eyes settle on Granny Pie, currently a pony again, though this time looking like a pegasus.

Twilight’s eyes go wide, and she clings to me, face in my chest. “Aaah! Anthony, look out, a Boojum!”

Jump to top

Chapter 54

I take my bundle of new clothes and try to figure out where the library is from where I am now. I see a spot that looks like a park and figure if I get away from the buildings it would be easier to see the tree of Golden Oaks above the various roofs. As the park comes into view, I see a couple younger ponies running around with their parents. A couple of kids are fairly stationary, though one is hardly moving and that one looks familiar. I get a bit closer and I recognize Cotton Cloudy. Wow, I haven’t thought about her since the whole Chrysalis fiasco ended.

Now that I think of it, I didn’t see her yesterday at the schoolhouse. She mentioned she went to school, right? I hope everything is okay. As I make my way towards her, I see why she’s not moving much, she’s got a simple easel set up with some canvas and she’s painting. With the brush in her mouth... Then again, I can’t imagine hooves would be all that effective for paintbrushes. I should wait until she moves the brush off the canvas before I say anything, I don’t wanna startle her and ruin her work.

She goes to move her brush to a pallet she’s got laying under the canvas and I figure now’s the time. “Hey there. Whatcha painting?”

She turns to look at my knees before craning up further to meet my face. “Anthony! Hi! Oh, I’m just painting the skyline.” I look at the image so far and I see she’s got the trees off in the distance so far, and is starting on the clouds. “I only get to do this when it’s not super windy out, because when it’s windy the clouds move too much, and the clouds are my favorite.”

It actually doesn’t look half bad, indicative of practice. “You’ve done this often?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a couple paintings from different parts of Ponyville. Other kids say they all look the same, and I find it funny that they can’t ever tell where I was looking when I made it.” She giggles a bit. “Mommy can see it just fine though, and her grownup friends can as well, so I think my classmates just can’t find the differences all that good.”

“Speaking of classmates.” I change the subject. “I was at the school yesterday. Cheerilee invited me to do a lesson on my home, but I didn’t see you there.”

“You- you came to school? Awwww... Mommy and I were up visiting my uncle Lofter in Cloudsdale for the week.” She looks rather disappointed, looking down at the ground off to the side. “I don’t get to go to Cloudsdale very much so I tried bringing my paints, but mommy didn’t want me dropping any of ‘em if we were gonna be so high up. It was kinda boring. And you came to my class while I was gone, this stinks.” She looks back up at me, and I figure it’d be easier on us both if I sat down on the grass. “Ya didn’t give us any homework, did ya?”

I chuckle. “Nah, no homework from me. Though Cheerilee is probably gonna have you make up whatever you missed while you were gone.”

Cotton sighs. “Yeah... Twist already came by and gave me all the stuff I wasn’t there for. I wish fractions weren’t so boring.”

“You get all of it done?” I ask.

“Yeah!” She pauses. “Most of it.” She turns back to her painting. “I still have tomorrow to finish.”

I laugh internally at how similar ponies are to people when they’re children. It’s not until they grow up that they get all weird and backwards. Takes me back to the thought I have of comparing young changelings to young ponies. Kids are kids I suppose, no matter where you go. That thought makes me feel a little nice inside. “Well, if you have any trouble with fractions I can help you out.”

“Nah, they aren’t hard.” She assures me. “They’re just boring. I’d rather paint, especially since there’s gonna be some wind tomorrow.”

“Well, it seems Cheerilee liked having me in, so I might be around to give another lesson at some point.” I say, as she goes back to painting. “That looks pretty good.” I say as she continues her brushwork, being very slow as she adds in a cloud, making it look really puffy. I can actually look ahead and see the exact cloud she’s painting. “You think you’ll get your cutie mark for it?”

She finishes the cloud and opens her mouth to plonk it into a jar of water set in the grass near her palette. “I hope so. Mommy says she’d be surprised if it isn’t, but I haven’t gotten it yet. Idunno if I’m good enough at it.”

“Well, why does it matter?” I ask. “Think about it this way. You’re not painting for others, you’re painting for you, right?”

“I’d like it if other ponies liked my paintings, but yeah, feels like I like it lots more than they do.” She says, looking briefly from her painting to the other kids playing in the park.

“Then you don’t need your cutie mark.” I say simply, and a very unsure look spreads across her face.

“Why not? Everypony needs a cutie mark!” She insists, a note of confusion or worry in her voice.

“You said it yourself that you don’t need a painting cutie mark. You don’t need to make everyone else happy, you just need to make you happy, and you clearly don’t need a cutie mark for it to make you happy.”

Cotton fully pauses to think about that and I can nearly see the gears in her head turning, but eventually it resolves and she smiles. “Yeah... yeah, you’re right. I mean, I want my mark still, and I’d really like it to be for painting, but...”

“You don’t need it right now.” I finish for her, and I scratch her behind the ear. Cotton proceeds to giggle and lean into my hand, making a small murmuring noise to go with it. I’m not fully convinced these creatures are entirely equine. There’s definitely some ‘cat’ in them, at least a little. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your painting. You’ve got a couple more clouds to finish. I’ll see you later.”

“Hehehe, okay. Bye Anthony!” I give her one more stroke down along her neck and then shift to get back to my feet. Grabbing my new clothes, I go back to what I came here to do. It takes some time, but I identify a tree in the nearish distance that’s closer to the houses than others. I decide that’s gotta be the library, so I make my way for it.

I can feel my remaining Bits shift in my pocket as my pants fully untwist from my sitting position, and it reminds me that I could definitely stand to have a bit more money. Especially if I’m gonna be going to Manehattan, and then finding someone who can do a completely custom order for my shoes.

I should probably keep them as intact as possible in the meantime, so that they’re in the best shape they can be when I present them as an example, which means I will have to swap to those moccasin slippers Rarity made for me. I stop to swap them in and they feel comfortable but they don’t hug my feet the same way or offer as much traction. Most likely because she just used a really rough fabric on the bottoms, as opposed to adding any sort of texturing to it.

Yeah, definitely need to make money for new shoes. Probably also to pay off my bar tab, since I have no idea how much I drank. I can remember ordering a double whiskey first, and then... it gets fuzzy which is odd since I know that isn’t very close to my limit normally, even if I haven’t eaten anything at all. I get to the library before I know it. Can’t tell if time flew because of my zoning out or if it really was that close by.

I walk in and I pass by Twilight who’s too focused on a book to notice me, and Spike just gives a short wave as I go up to my room to get changed into my new clothes. I set aside my old clothes to get washed later, and I figure I should clean my room up a bit. If I could get some nails to put in the wall I could properly mount that Timberwolf head. I have to admit, having something like this is pretty bizarre, but it’s still cool to have. Granted, it’s not the one I fought, but it’s pretty much mine anyhow. I just shove everything aside and start planning where I could put stuff. I haven’t accumulated that many belongings, but just leaving them on the floor gives me less room to move around.

Finding a good spot for everything is difficult, but I’m at least making progress. Slowly but surely I find places to put all of my presents and knick knacks. A rack of shelves would be handy but I’ll have to make do for now. “Hey, you’re making a bit of a racket up here. You doing okay?”

I turn and see Spike in my doorway. “Oh, I’ve been trying to organize my stuff so it’s less of a mess. Didn’t know I was disturbing you.”

He waves it off. “Well, you weren’t being that loud, I just noticed when I was coming up the stairs. Twilight and I are gonna head to the market to get some stuff for dinner and restocking the pantry. I was wondering if you could think of anything to add to our grocery list.”

“Yeah.” I reply, as I finally find a spot to put the bigass atlas Twi got me. “Some scallions... oh, and some havarti.”

Spike gives me a funny look. “Havarti?”

“It’s a type of cheese.” I explain. “Kind of hard, little sharp little sweet, easy to slice and really good for salads and sandwiches, but I put it in omelettes personally. Also goes well with salami on crackers if you want to make an hors d'oeuvre.”

Spike shrugs. “Huh, I’ve never heard of it. Maybe I’ll ask around.”

“It’s a specialty of Denmark.” I offer. “Dunno what your equivalent of the place is, but if you can narrow it down to where it mostly comes from, that can help with cheeses.”

“Okay... so scallions and look for havarti cheese.” He writes it down on a piece of parchment he brought with him. “Anything else come to mind?”

“Not really. I’m trying to think up new things to use with that platter of sausage I have left over, I still have about a quarter of what I initially ordered.” I explain.

“Why did you get so much of it anyways?” Spike asks. “I mean... that’s a lot of food, let alone meat.”

“I initially didn’t know how much it would be when I ordered it, but on the upside, there’s a lot of it. I paid for one lunch, but got one lunch, a dinner, and a breakfast with plenty left over for at least one more serving. That’s four or so meals with one purchase, and it’s a food that isn’t easily accessible in general.”

Spike blinks and begins considering my logic. “Huh, that’s really frugal. I guess I never thought about it that way.”

I nod. “Here’s a piece of advice for you: When eating out, order food that will give you the most food for the best price. Even if you know you’ll be unable to finish it there, you take it home to eat later. Always try to buy as many meals worth of food as you can at once for as reasonable a price as possible. This is especially applicable to places with good food that you don’t get to eat very often.”

“Wow... you... you act all backwards and stuff so often, I forget how smart you are sometimes.” Spike replies, a somewhat stunned look growing in his eyes.

"Not really, I'm pretty dumb. Everyone else is just incredibly stupid, and that makes me look good by comparison." I grin as Spike gives me a look equal parts insulted and confused. I chuckle. “I’m just kidding. Everyone has their own kind of smarts, I just don’t share mine unless it’s relevant, the frequency of which is kinda sporadic.”

Spike rolls his eyes and huffs a bit. “I will never understand why you put your hoof in your mouth, seemingly on purpose. Seriously though, anything else to put on this list before we go?”

“Nah, I figure you know what your pantry needs more than I do.” I say as I return to trying to find a place to put the remainder of my things.

“Alright, we’ll be back in a couple hours then. Oh, and if you’re going to use a lot of something we have, let me know as soon as you can.”

I finally find a place to put those figures Myrna made me, and I set them up before replying. “Don’t worry. The only reason I didn’t tell you about the eggs was because you were gone, and then I wasn’t at the library until you were about to zonk out. Won’t happen again if I can help it.” Spike nods in acceptance of my assurance and he hops down the stairs, and after a couple more minutes I hear the door open then close as they leave.

It takes a good bit of time, but I find a spot for more of my stuff. I realize that some of the extra gifts I’d gotten haven’t been opened, so I guess I should find a separate place for a ‘to open’ pile. A bit of progress with separating stuff out and I find that knit sweater Granny Smith made for me. I don’t know how well it fits, but now that I think of it, I hope that it’ll fit well. Autumn is right around the corner, and... oof, yeah... core still doesn’t like it when I try to use it... gonna have to deal without temperature immunity for a while longer. I try on the sweater and... this is actually a little big, but that’s a lot better than being too small. I look in the mirror and while the apple motif crocheted into the front isn’t my style, it looks well-made. A bit of hemming here and there and I’d just have to deal with the elbows being a tad loose. It doesn’t look that bad on me, so I’ll have to put this in a spot I’ll remember for when it gets colder out. Also, head up to the farmhouse and thank Granny for it.

For the time being though, I’m taking a break. I make my way downstairs and start perusing the shelves that finally have their books back in place, minus the ones that had to be tossed. What do I want to read? ...Well, I know what I want to read. If it’s available is another story. Heh, story. Puns.

I keep trying to find a title that feels interesting when I hear a knock at the door. I pause and wait. There’s another knock but shortly after, it seems the individual had recalled that this is a public library, and they open the door themselves. I turn and see a stallion I don’t recognize. Beige coat, not too different in color from my khakis. Wearing a dark brown vest and glasses. Beyond that though he’s unremarkable. “Hey, you looking for a book?” I ask.

He looks around and then back at me. “Eh? Oh, uh... uh, well, not really. I was wondering if Twi- er, miss Sparkle, or... is just Twilight okay? Is she here? Twilight..?” Man, he really doesn’t seem to have any idea how casual he’s allowed to be.

“She went out shopping.” I state. “I don’t have a problem with you waiting around quietly for her, but Idunno when she’ll be back. Or you can leave a simple message with me and I can pass it on.”

The guy sighs and looks visibly disappointed. “No... no that’s... that’s okay. I can... try again later.”

And he just walks back out the door. Who the heck was that guy? Ah well, not my problem. Now where was I? Yeah, books. Just keep scanning the shelves until a title pops out. But none do in a way that really grabs me. I know that a lot of things I enjoy have parallels here, it just happens that there’s very little of that here in this specific library. Then again, non-fiction dominating the shelves makes sense. Education just seems a bit more important to the Ponyvillian country-town lifestyle, since most entertainment is gained through physical activity. I guess I get what they mean when they say it’s an ‘Earth pony town’ even though there are plenty of unicorns and pegasi. It’s not the number of them, it’s their style of life that’s the norm in this place.

That’s obviously what they meant, in hindsight. Just feels weird when there are three very distinct subspecies. I mean, a human is a human... but ponies are... you can literally be born very different from your neighbor. Odd that there’s no sign of racial segregation, I mean... people discriminate based on skin color but one person literally having a different skeletal structure would actually have a somewhat reasonable basis for being considered ‘different enough for a label’. Then again, that just shows how accepting ponies are, if there’s even more reason for racism and yet so little sign of it actually existing. Makes me realise just how petty humans are. Ah well, society as a whole can go fuck itself, I’m just trying to evade boredom.

Here’s a title, A Touch of Cinnamon. Is this a cooking book? I open it up to around the middle to get an idea of where it goes and... okay, it’s a storybook... ...Oh hell no! I slam the piece of filth shut and hastily shove it back in its spot. Eugh, titles can be really misleading when a pony can be named Cinnamon... you get innocently titled books to wind up as smut. Is that... was that supposed to be a normal kink for ponies or some kind of bizarre fetish- Why am I still thinking about it!? Okay, I need a palette cleanser, something that isn’t... that. I continue my perusal of titles, now being even more discriminatory than I already was.

I move from shelf to shelf, trying to find anything of note. There’s a lot of books here, but compared to libraries I’m used to, it’s so tiny. If the place wasn’t built into a tree and could just have extra room built into it, there could probably be more books. Ruination of the aesthetic aside, I doubt it’d take much to convince Twilight how good an idea it would be to have space for more books.

I decide to just try grabbing a book and see what I get. Tribute to the Fearsome, a history of the Nightmare Night festival. If it weren’t for the subtitle, it seems like it would be an adventure story. I’ll put that as a ‘maybe’. Not much else gets my attention though, suppose I’ll check out the history book-

“Hello.” Huh? Someone else? I didn’t even notice anyone had shown up, but at least they figured out they didn’t need to knock.

I turn and see Cheerilee walking in. “Oh hey, uh Twilight went out shopping so if you wanna check out a book, you can just mark it in the ledger.”

“Actually, I’m here for you.” Cheerliee says, a friendly smile on her face.

Maybe too friendly? That word choice is a bit- No! Bad brain! That’s a totally fine sentence, gah, I already put that shitty ‘romance’ thing back... I give myself a second to reboot and turn back to her. “Uh, sure. Did you need something in particular?”

“Mostly I just wanted to compliment you - you did an excellent job when you came by the school. It’s so refreshing to see every little pony in the class interested in a subject, rather than having a few who just won’t pay attention. The schools are mostly laissez-faire but the town’s school board does have some say in the required lesson plans, and some just... aren’t very well made for catching everypony’s attention.”

I shrug. “Doesn’t sound much like the way school was for me. I mean... it wasn’t really meant to be engaging, what was important was that you absorbed enough knowledge that they could say you’re allowed to get to the next level of the same thing. Learning is fun for me, schooling was the opposite, if that makes sense.” I sigh. “Mostly, I’m just handing out advice on how to do things easier. You know, tiny helpful tricks. Like a mnemonic to remember the order of operations, and that you can just look at a fraction as a compact division problem. The schools I went to never made that clear, so I figure the sooner a kid learns the way to not make it a slog, the less they’ll hate being educated.”

“That certainly does sound like it works much better - and it helps you’re so good with foals in general.” Cheerilee chuckles at this, prompting me to run my hand through my hair briefly.

“Ehhh... I’m not really that great with kids. I mean... I kinda know, but I think the biggest help is that I’m the ‘exotic local celebrity’ so they just listen to me more... makes it easier to teach them things if they’re always willing to hear whatever you say. I have good lessons to share but... I don’t know how well it’d go if I wasn’t so popular.”

“Well, popular or not, you handled it well, being the center of attention. I know a few others who... well, don’t.” Cheerilee snorts, assumedly at some memory. “I managed to get Fluttershy to come in for a presentation on the Everfree once, and the moment she noticed that everypony in the class was watching...”

I chuckle at the brief play of events I see in my head. “I can imagine. Honestly the way I handle it is I just sort of... forget I’m such a big deal. I never really was before all this so it’s still not always at the front of my mind... but if I can use it to be a positive influencer... sure. There’s always a bit of ‘do as I say, not as I do’ in each one of course but... I try. Though I get the feeling that I did more to confuse the kids with the whole ‘gravity moves the planet’ deal. Some of them didn’t even seem familiar with the concept of, well... the way gravity works in a vacuum. Or even a vacuum in the first place.” I shift a bit. “Not that a vacuum is easy to explain, but if I can share knowledge I’ll do so. Heck, a while ago I had to teach Twilight how to cram for a pop quiz of some sort. Honestly it shocks me that such a studious adult doesn’t really handle school all that well.”

“Admittedly, I don’t think she handles stress well. I don’t think it’s necessarily an issue of inexperience, just panicked indecision.” It sounds like the teacher is speaking from experience - either internal, or from watching others with the same problem. Both are pretty likely.

“Either way, I have a decent amount of knowledge to share but... I mean I’m not sure how much actually matters. I’m not even sure how your physics works. For all I know, my explanation of gravity doesn’t even work that way for you.” I sigh. “I mean, if I want to explain stuff I can, it’s just... I guess it doesn’t really have anything to it but intrigue. Not like they’d be able to see the place at all. I may as well be talking about a fantasy world for all it matters in the long run. Then again, nobody seemed all that convinced of the whole ‘the sun moves our planet, and there’s never been a force that could affect the sun’ spiel. If I got into singularities, they might think I’d have gone bonkers.”

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure at least half my class is convinced all adults are bonkers, given the strangeness of this town. Though, I’m sure you’re used to that kind of thing where you’re from, given what I’ve heard mentioned in passing.”

“What exactly have you heard?” I ask. “I mean, there’s a lot to hear...”

“Something about costumed super-heroes like the things out of my students’ comic books, as well as technology that I honestly wish I could look over myself... and that’s about it. And, well, most of that I heard from Berry who heard it in passing from you last time you stopped by the Mug.”

I wince. “Ah, well... ah. From what Berry explained, I just geeked out while drunk. A lot of it might have been science fiction. That said, we do have some pretty advanced technology... I think you all would be a bit farther if you didn’t have magic to solve problems. I mean, that’s how our tech developed. You have a problem, you find a machine to do the thing easier. And no, comic book heroes aren’t a real thing for us, just fantasy. As stated, magicless world. I wouldn’t blame you if it sounded a bit far-fetched though. Personally, I don’t understand how you all could make it to a more advanced age than this without things like electric lighting or microwaves or satellite clocks.”

“Well... Ponyville actually has a little bit of electrical lighting - it’s what the Ponyville dam provides. Though, they’re only in very specific places; town hall, I think, has some, and if I remember correctly, miss Rarity installed some. I think the spa uses them as well? I’ve never been in there, though.” Cheerilee pauses for a moment. “Are they really that widespread where you came from?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, when there’s electricity access just about anywhere, why not use it for lighting? I know there are some places on the planet that don’t get things like street lamps... but those are the ones that also don’t have things like public hospitals or ways to keep food cold. Third-world countries are what we call them. Everywhere else though... yeah. Lots of devices and machines and the like, and so many lights that some places have nights that never get really dark until you get to the Winter months. Street lamps, traffic lights, more neon than you can shake two to eight electrons at...”

“Wait, so you have the infrastructure to have electrical conveniences in many places... but not all? Do they refuse help from outside, like Griffons do?” she asks, moving to lay down in one of the chairs.

I take a mildly uncomfortable seat in another. “Well... not as such. It’s more that they can’t afford it. I mean, electricity is something you pay for. You can have electricity in your house, and you pay for it as an electricity bill just like a water bill. If you want it, you need to effectively buy it from the power-generating companies. Before you ask, yes, it’s a stupid system. Electricity should be free, but that’s a debate on whether it’s okay to put a tax on things like that when it could be effectively free for everyone.”

“So, just to make sure I have this right...” Cheerilee looks mildly uncomfortable as well, but she’s soldiering on anyways, “Not only does electricity cost something for peoples, but it’s something that is expensive enough some of your people can’t afford to have it, even though it’s vital in your home’s society?” she sounds genuinely baffled by the idea. I don’t blame her for that.

I nod. “Not just homes, but in modern medicine, like hospitals. It’s one of those reasons the human race is a bunch of dirtbags. We have a lot of advances, but there’s also this mindset of ‘why give it out for free if we can earn money off of it?’. Waste management, indoor plumbing, everything like that. I’m not big on politics in that regard so I mostly just find it an abhorrent necessity. I mean, what are you going to do? Not pay your phone bill? Then how do you talk to someone who’s a city away without physically going down there? The mail? Pffft, that could take weeks compared to an immediate conversation.”

“Hmm... it sounds like a lot of your people were happy taking advantage of one another. Is that... really common where you came from? Or are they just the ones who, ah, rose to the top?” she pauses, “And, given that you seemed a bit uncomfortable with that... do you need a hug?”

“Uh... no, I’m uh, I’m fine without a hug. It’s just uh... well, that’s the way things are. I mean... yeah there are a few types of folks who aren’t on the top who try to scam and cheat others, while even the top has a few good apples. That’s just the way things work for the majority. Money is the most important thing one can have. I mean, money gets you everything, so obviously the important thing is to have as much of it as possible, and aim to have more than others. It’s not so much a problem of the way the world works but more of how society ended up working. We’re literally the smartest things on our planet, and have created so many unbelievable things... but there’s always this ‘me first’ mentality that’s never really ever going to go away. Anyways, shitty cultural advances aside, it’d be easier to answer questions that didn’t have an answer mired in politics such as ‘why do we not let everyone have fully equipped hospitals?’ or such.”

“R-right, sorry... well, what have other ponies already asked? I’m sure they’d...” I must be making some sort of face, because she trails off as she looks at me.

“You kidding? Twilight barely asks, and she’s the one who asks all the questions. I just sort of... talk about it if it comes up. Ponies don’t really seem to care much. Granted, I spend a lot of time in Ponyville where folks are already concerned with their own lives. Why bother learning how a now-dead, impossible-to-reach non-magical world has fucked-up physics and no alicorns to move the sun around like a massive disco ball on a string?”

Cheerilee actually giggles at the last line. “W-wait, you have disco in your world too?” she asks as her giggles turn to full-strength laughter.

“I wasn’t alive for the 1970’s, but yeah... boy we sure did.” I say. “I wasn’t born until ‘94 but there’s still a lot of interest in that decade for some folks even in 2014. Not sure what year it is now, if it even matters... but yeah, the 70’s were the disco years.”

“Disco has been coming and going for almost fifty years here,” Cheerilee explains, “I was in with one of them during my college years. I almost kept the manestyle, too, but it just got to be such a hassle to set back up every morning.”

“Eh, I’ve never been all that into hair. Short, straight back and sides, nothing fancy. Keep it out of my way and all that, not a fan of big hair. You guys are all covered in fur though. No idea how it’s possible to live like that.”

“With lots of shampoo.” Cheerilee doesn’t even miss a beat with her reply.

“I need a bar of soap, a small palmful of shampoo and fifteen to twenty minutes in the shower and I’m clean as I need. Only takes so long because I need to dry off with four of your puny towels.” I chuckle. “Here’s an idea, why not just go bald? That’ll make cleaning so much easier!

Cheerilee snorts. “Sure, but imagine the terror of a completely bare Royal Guard bearing down on you. You’d be tempted to laugh, but it’ll only make the problem worse, no matter what it is!”

“Not too much change if you ask me.” I jest. “Y’all are naked anyways, why not go the full mile, huh?” I give her a look and briefly return to serious tone. “But really, don’t. I’ve seen cats, dogs and bears shaved completely. Bet you’d all be even uglier.”

She snorts again and shakes her head. “I take offense at that!” She says, though her tone is joking.

“I’m sorry, am I supposed to find ponies attractive? I didn’t get that memo.” I fire back.

“Oh please, you don’t have to find us attractive to not find us ugly. I think that bunnies aren’t ugly, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to... y’know.”

I grin. “I meant a shaved pony would look uglier than a shaved dog. Though what you were thinking is pretty clear, now.”

“You’re the one that brought up attractiveness first.” she shoots back.

“Yeah, well it shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. Unless it’s a topic you’d like to address..?” I say jokingly. “I’m not exactly Dr. Love or anything, but if you insist...”

“Mmmno, I’m fine. As educational as I’m sure that would be, I don’t think I’m ready for such answers.”

I widen my eyes and smile as I get to use the exact response I’d wanted to. “Really? Well, I’m sure your parents will discuss it with you when you’re a bit older.”

Cheerilee looks gobsmacked - then belts out a long laugh, even covering her mouth with a hoof as she lets the whole thing out. She even has a blush through her fur!

I begin laughing along, not quite as loud but her reaction is certainly contagious. After we have our fits and it winds down to a few sparse chuckles, I reply. “Ah, thank goodness for wit. Not sure what else I’d have, otherwise.”

“Well, you do have a fair bit of charm, and I’d say you’ve gotten lucky that you landed here... I’m fairly sure you’d have a harder time if you’d dropped into our world near, say, the Dragon lands.”

“Yeah, I wanted to go there at some point, just to see what it’s like.” I say. “But for now, I’m just... Idunno. Idling. Trying to enjoy life. A job would be nice but I’m not sure what I’d do. As much as you commend me, I doubt I’d be a decent TA, so that’s out.”

“Oh, I don’t think my school’s big enough to need a teaching assistant. Not unless you’re planning on taking over as a teacher next!” She laughs at this, which given my previous commentary, I can understand why. “Still, I definitely hope you stop by again in the future to help teach the foals - they really did enjoy having you over.”

“I do like helping kids out, I just... it’s certainly not my calling. As for what else I could do for income... I mean, what can I do? I’d imagine there aren’t many jobs that could be improved by being bipedal or having thumbs considering you all seem to have your methods down pat working for quadrupedal skeletal figures. Not much call for a human body, I’d imagine. Though if you have suggestions...”

“Well, do you have any artisanal skills or talent for fine detail work?” she asks, already seeming to be having ideas.

I shrug. “Not particularly. I’m alright with my hands, but I’m better with my head. I mean, I’m not bad with my hands, it's just that creating physical things isn’t my forte.”

“That’s fair I suppose, though if you have an eye for details, you could try checking around - I know the clocksmith has been looking for an apprentice the past few weeks to help him out.”

“Hmmm... maybe. I might check him out. Anyways, you don’t need to help me find a job if you don’t want to. If you want me to come by the school again, though, what were you thinking I’d be teaching?”

She pauses and blushes. “Right! Sorry, my older class recently finished a set of lessons on seeking employment and...” she clears her throat. “Anyways, given that you do have a fair amount of unusual education, I’m actually wondering if you have any ideas? Because most of the things I can think of to ask could be covered by a pony guest for the day instead of taking up your time.”

I lean back as I try to think, hands behind my head. “Well... I know a bit about Earth’s physics and such, but I wouldn’t say it’s informed enough to cover any serious questioning. Mathematics is basically the same between both worlds so that wouldn’t be very special. Hmmm. I don’t really know. As I’ve told others, I don’t really share my knowledge unless it’s relevant. I mean, you ask about how to make fractions easier and I can give you plenty of advice but without a prompt I’m just taking shots in the dark.”

“Which I thank you for. I can’t seem to make them stick at all except for the few who’re used to working in a business with their fam-” mid word, she’s cut off by a call from the front door, Spike yelling that he’s back.

“Oh, man, how long have we been here?” I ask, and realize I can’t find a clock to look at from where I’m sitting. “Has it already been an hour?”

“Well, we were gone for an hour and a half.” Twilight says, lifting Spike and her filled saddlebags off of her back. “It took a while since we were trying to see if anypony at the market knew of that cheese you asked for.” The bags are set down and Spike gets to moving produce to the kitchen, when Twilight notices I’m not alone. “Oh! Hello, Cheerilee. I didn’t know you were coming by today. I would have postponed my shopping.”

Cheerilee smiles and waves a forehoof a bit. “No worries, Twilight. I was just here to talk with Anthony about... well, initially his help at the school but it sort of transitioned back and forth a bit.”

“The part about the convenience and ugliness of shaved ponies was particularly interesting.” I add, grinning, to which Cheerilee laughs.

Twilight just gives the two of us an odd look. “I... um, alright. Well, you don’t need to leave on our account.”

“We were about finished anyway.” Cheerilee replies, getting up from her chair and turning to me. “I’ll be sure to let you know if I come up with a subject I think you could offer your insight on. Thank you again for that... very entertaining conversation.”

I wave as she walks out the door past Twilight. “Bye, Cheeri!”

“Oh my, I haven’t been called that since I was a teenager!” She replies, just about to close the door. “Keep a close eye on this one, Twilight Sparkle. He’s smart for a troublemaker!”

I raise my eyebrows and wink. “I aim to please.” Cheerilee just chuckles and closes the door behind her. Twilight turns to me and has a very odd look on her face.

“Were... Were you...” Twi continues, but she mumbles it so badly I could barely tell she said anything at all.

“Was I what?” I ask, prompting her to repeat herself louder.

Twilight shuffles a hoof a bit. “Were you... Was Cheerilee courting you just now?”

What!? “Uh... no... I don’t think so... she was just being friendly. We talked a while, had a good laugh, but... come on, she was just here to chat about my voluntary teacher-assisting. I don’t think she was going anywhere else, and I certainly wasn’t courting her. I just made our conversation a bit more entertaining.”

Twilight rubs the back of her neck. “Well, a stallion doesn’t court a mare, usually it’s the mare courting the stallion. If you’re sure she isn’t courting you though...”

“What? Cheerilee is courting Anthony?” Spike asks from the kitchen, and I facepalm hard.

I immediately act to preserve what decency Cherilee and I still have. “No, she’s not! Twilight’s just reading too far into someone coming over for a friendly chat.”

Spike comes out. “Oh, is that all? Okay, then.”

I sigh at the quick defusing of the situation. “Seriously Twilight, if relationships are on your mind that much, maybe you need a boyfriend more than you think.”

“I didn’t... how is my love life at all related?” Twi asks, switching into defense mode quickly.

I roll my eyes. “Simple. You’re projecting. You want to get together with someone, so you project that on others and see romantic connections where they don’t belong. You should just get laid and leave the shipping to Cadence.”

“We are not having this conversation again. Fine, nothing’s happening between you and Cheerilee. I’m willing to take your word on that, it just looked a bit suspect is all.”

I start getting up and feel a lot more comfortable once out of the chair. “The status of nobody courting me aside, I could make lunch if you want.”

“How good is your cooking, exactly?” Spike asks, fully returned from the kitchen area.

“Ask Twilight, I’ve fed her before.” I say, to which Twilight nods.

“His pancakes were well-made. I think he’d do alright with lunch if you want to relax, Spike.”

He nods. “Alright, I suppose it’d be nice to have somepony else around who can cook, gives me a chance to take a break once in a while.”

“Guess I’ll get started on lunch now, then.” I suggest.

“I mean, I wouldn’t be opposed, though I’m not all that hungry at the moment.” Twilight says.

I suddenly get an idea. An awful idea. A terrible idea. A terrible, awful, evil idea. I look over the shelves and quickly pick out the book I was looking for, passing A Touch of Cinnamon to Twilight. “Well here. Take a book, maybe a bit of reading will build that appetite.”

Twilight picks up the book in her magic and smiles. “Thank you, Anthony. Maybe it will.” and she makes her way upstairs, book enveloped in the violet glow of her magic and floating just behind her head.

“Are you feeling alright?” Spike asks.

“Whatcha mean?”

“You got a look on your face like you’re gonna do something weird.” Spike says, pointing a claw up at me. “Be honest, is it really in my best interest to let you make lunch?”

I sigh and hold my hands up. “It’s fine, I’m not gonna ruin anything. Just pulled a prank on Twilight. Might take a bit to hit, so I’m just... anticipating.”

“Some days I understand why Pinkie Pie has a crush on you.” Spike replies, and walking past to unblock my path to the kitchen. “Other days, it makes no sense to me what exactly she sees in you.”

“It’s a mystery. Anyways, you put your feet up, dude. I’ll handle food.”

Jump to top