"It's just that..." Applebloom said, and she glanced down for the thirteenth time at her pile of hay fries. Snails had counted each one out with his bottom hooves, digging into the cold, hard dirt underneath their picnic bench. She brushed a hoof against her shoulder, wiggling a little to the side.
She just let the sentence hang out there. Of course, she did. Snails reached for his iced tea-based smoothie. At that point, it had become more of a watery mush. It's like some kind of metaphor from a hack poet or something. He looked up at the rising moon, darkness creeping up around by the diner where they sat.
"What is it?" Snails asked. Blast it, no matter how old we get and no matter how I treat her... she'll just think of me like back when we were foals. Snails tried to move his hooves across the table, but she simply leaned back. She couldn't even stay in the same intimate space. He gazed along her smooth hooves to her adorable teenage face. She closed her eyes. That's not a good sign.
"Snails," she groaned, and she stood up off her spot. "It's just that--"
"What?" he asked, more than a little irritated.
"You don't even want me, really."
"Of course, I--"
"You want a marefriend. You want a marefriend just for the sake of having a marefriend," she said, fighting back tears. She stepped to the side and slumped her bright red mane up against the nearby tree, almost knocking off her trademark beret.
"Applebloom," he said, moving up alongside her. He reached out for a moment, but he froze. She's... she can't be right. Can she?
"You want a marefriend only to make you feel better about yourself. It's like taking a daily aspirin. I'm a comfort object. I'm a box that you've put a big, red check-mark onto," she went on, tears just so slightly welling up beneath her eyes. "I know you like me a lot. I like you a lot. But you're trapped forever in a mindset that I just can't deal with. I can't be your aspirin anymore."
He felt the color draining from his face. Snails shivered as he sat down besides her. His eyes focused on her cutie marks, images of sliced apples laid atop a counter besides those delicious apple-burgers that she had invented. He blinked. She stepped away from him, heading out twoards downtown Ponyville. They'd argued time and time before. It didn't matter to him when she said something completely wrong in her typical moods. The fact that he believed every word out of her mouth drove him insane.
"Applebloom," he mouthed, walking slightly after her. He halted several yards away, his heart not being in it.
"You'll find a great mare someday," she replied, not even looking back. "Just as soon as you understand that we're more than aspirin." He gazed at her pretty teenage plot swaying in the distance as she made way around a corner. And, then, she was gone.
"Gone," he moaned. Snails nervously wiggled his big black glasses. He stood up straight, trying to muster some self-confidence. "Well, fine." He shook from head to hooftip. "Sure, then. Like I'll miss a picky and naggy little chipmunk like you."
He stomped down again and again, trying to kick up clumps of dirt. He bucked against the empty air besides him and sped over towards the nearby lake. He glared at the water at a moment as his reflection bubbled about. Puberty may have worked miracles with his mind and his strength, but it sure didn't help in the looks department. He grit his teeth together before slamming a bunch of rocks out into the water.
"Aspirin?" Snails hopped up and down in a mix of one part anger at her and four parts self-loathing. "Sure, sure! I'd love some nice, cute, young aspirin." He glanced up at the moon, glowing with full brightness right atop his head. He wandered out in the opposite direction of Applebloom and danced his eyes from dark alley to dark alley of Old Ponyville. "A cute young aspirin when I bomb a test. A cute young aspirin when I fall down the stairs. A cute young aspirin when I have a migraine coming on. A cute young aspirin when I stare down an eviction notice." He couldn't go on without crying, and he knew he couldn't give Applebloom the satisfaction.
He moved along huge gray building to huge gray building. He couldn't see much, the moonlight mostly blocked off from various metal arrays of something or another overhead. His hooves spattered along mixes of rainwater, trash, oil, and goodness knows what. He coughed as a pile of steam shot out from a pipe a yard or so ahead. He looked up, frowning as his ears drooped. Should I just admit that I'm messed up? Should I say to myself that always wanted a marefriend just to have a marefriend? He sniffed as he brushed up against the cold, hard bricks behind him.
"What's the bucking use?" Snails muttered to himself, sliding his head up and down. "It's not like any other girl would be any different. I need my aspirin, blast it. And it'll never change." He shivered in place, making an embarrassingly feminine whine. "It's not like the solution to my problem is going to just leap out of the sky."
*Wham!*
Snails' word turned blue. Before he even had time to think, he found himself propped against four huge bags of trash at the dead end of the alley. He put his hooves to his head, blinking rapidly. What the hay! Only a few stabs of moonlight made it through around him past the creepy ledges and things overhead. He felt something hard and strong moving along his sides.
"Take it!" Snails screamed. He reached for where he usually kept his saddlebags. "Just take all my bits!"
"Thou comports in a manner most whimsical and illogical, indeed. For why wouldst one in my esteemed position find a need for mere bits?" said the loud, oddly formal voice.
"Oh... my... goodness..." Snails scurried backwards and rubbed his eyes. He took a deep breath as he saw a tall, proud, and powerful alicorn standing right on top of him. He stared along her muscular yet beautiful blue hooves to her flowing, gigantic mane, which shone out with countless pretty patterns going one into the other, and finally to her amazing face. He focused right on her big, beautiful eyes.
"Thou must examine our newly made particular rectangular object stating how thou can obtain opportunities for coitus with royally-approved ladies-of-the-night!" Princess Luna called out, gesturing towards her chest.
"I'm sorry, what?"
Luna leaned back, rolled her head to the left, and she smirked. She took a little breath. "Here." She magically pulled out a small white something from a pouch besides her shoulder and gave it over to Snails. "Read my business card. It'll tell you how to get in touch with some prostitutes."
"Ah, thanks," he said, examining the card. "I guess." Can I even afford this? He put a hoof through his mane. Scratch that, do I even want to consider this? It was never about sex. I wanted somepony special in my life that actually liked me.
Comfort.net
Feminine Companionship For Gentlecolts
Your Individual Password Is 'Bananas'
"Because you deserve to be at your best!"
"Thou must focus thine's," Luna began, but she paused as Snails stared back blankly. "Fine, I'll get to the point. Read the other side." He flipped it over.
This Special Edition Card Entitles The Owner
To a Six Month Subscription
At a Ninety Percent Discount
"Don't worry," she said, stepping away from him, "it's not ten percent of a fortune. I know you can afford it. Trust me."
"Ah, okay," he said, eyes shifting about nervously. She leaned over and positioned her head over his body.
"What's the matter?" She made a mock-indignant expression. "Most stallions would be overjoyed to get into our network. For you to get a specific discount, well--" She bobbed her head from side to side. "You should be leaping up and down from sheer happiness." She curled her eyebrows. "Ready for your aspirins?"
"I've never, uh," he muttered, "visited one of those types of mares before." He blushed, rubbing his head against the bag of garbage behind him. "I've only really, uh, had relations with two girls in my life. And I both thought I really loved them." He closed his eyes, feeling as if he could almost die from the pure embarrassment.
Luna said nothing back. She simply reached out with a hoof. He took it, and she pulled him off of the garbage. He found himself magically lifted up, kicking helplessly in the air, and he looked down several yards at Luna. She bounced along the street, singing some kind of magical tune to herself, and Snails followed overhead like a kite. He closed his eyes tightly, hoping not to get physically sick.
"What the hay is going on?"
"I'm taking you to our east office, my new little friend."
"Okay." He already felt queasy as the night wind smacked around his sides. He kept his eyes shut. What on earth is going to happen? He loved Luna and her older sister as much as any pony in Ponyville. He knew that they represented beacons of love and kindness for everypony to look up to. That didn't make him any less nervous.
"And, poof!"
"What?" Snails asked. He felt the world turn blue once again. He blinked, waving his hooves down below. He stood straight up. "Hey!" He found himself standing atop a fancy bed, coated in expensive-looking white sheets. He surveyed the whole room. His eyes slid from the sharp black dressers to the simple gray tables to the odd, abstract art along the walls. "Where the hay is the door?"
It all looked like one of those fake-room set-ups that he'd see in a huge mall, where ponies could just walk into the side without opening a door. How did I even get here, anyways? Magic... blast it... He laid down on the bed. Well, what now? He glanced around at the walls all around him, his ears drooping down as his mouth went dry.
He moved up against the pillows. He stretched with all four hooves, brushing up against something. He looked over to his right. He let out a low sigh.
A condom.
"Great," Snails muttered sarcastically. "I wonder if anypony has ever thought that maybe I wouldn't be keen on this whole thing in the first place." Or, in other words, I'm not a happy customer. He sat up in the bed, rubbing his temples with his hooves. He tried to come up with some speech to sum up the torrent of emotions going through him, but he just come up empty. "Goodness." He heard a very soft creaking sound, but he paid it no mind. I wonder if...
*Glomp!*
A red blur shot out from behind him and knocked him along the sheets into the pillows. He rubbed around in front of him, gasping for breath. He coughed as he slid over and hit up against the wall behind the bed.
"Welcome to Mistress Luna's House of Pleasure!" yelled a familiar voice. Snails, still feeling dizzy, rubbed his eyes and let out an angry groan. "I'll be your companion tonight and my name is--"
"Applebloom!"
"Snails!"
His former marefriend stood on all hooves atop him with a bewildered expression across her face. Her eyes seemed wide as dinner plates. He looked down from her wrapped up mane, coated in glitter, to her seductive black lingerie going along her sides. Red and black bows wrapped all four of her hooves, making her look like a pony-sized present.
"H-h-hello," he muttered. He knew that he should feel angry or at least he felt some kind of inner obligation to. Instead, a feeling of inky blackness crept up his insides. His blood seemed to have frozen into ice as confusion almost dripped from his face.
"Well, Snails," Applebloom said, moving off of his body and lying down alongside the other part of the bed. "I'm not, uh, going to pretend that this isn't very awkward." She looked over and locked eyes with him. "For both of us." She closed her eyes, and she reached out with a hoof against his shoulder, rubbing circles in his fur. "Yes, I moonlight as a courtesan for Mistress Luna. It pays the bills."
"Moonlight," he groaned. Oh, the pun!
"However, my dear companion," she purred, putting back on that seductive tone from a moment ago, "we can choose to put our pasts behind us, embracing our night of pleasure." She curled her head against his chest, breathing onto his fur. "After all, Snails, I can do things for you here that I couldn't do back at your house."
"Back at... at... my house..." Snails growled, feeling something like a sharp stabbing pulse through him.
"Kinky, sick, and perverted things, darling!"
"Get out," Snails whispered, closing his eyes. He heard a constant ringing in his ears, like his head had turned into a set of drums for some magical tormentor.
"What, darling?" She moved in to kiss his neck.
"Get out!" He shot upwards, throwing her body off of his as he landed in the middle of the floor. He glared over at her. She slid off the bed in confusions. "Now! Go!" He slammed a hoof against the wall.
Applebloom scurried over by the dresser, tears splattering all along the carpet. She nudged her hooves against the wall and a loud click sounded off. Snails didn't hesitate for a moment. He sped through and flew through the opening as part of the wall swung out. He ran, not looking at anyone or anything. Dimly-lit hallway turned into dimly-lit hallway until he finally spotted a big blast of moonlight.
He jumped atop a group of boxes and looked out the open window. He kicked against the wall and found himself outside atop a huge patch of dandelions. He leaned over, gobbling them up, and he made a deep grunt. He looked up at the huge full moon. He shook his head.
Snails glanced out to the right, seeing the blank golden-brown building behind him leading into a firm gravel path. He trotted over, trying to get his breathing back into control. It didn't take long until he recognized part of the Everfree Forest to his far right. He moved through piles of mossy rock, coming upon the larger path that would either lead to Zecora's hut on one side or towards Ponyville on the other.
Several minutes later, Snails stood in front of Snips house. He felt emotionally and physically drained, with his heart turned into a bright red smoothie as well as his body coated with moss, leaves, branches, and the like, and he smashed himself against the big brown door. He scraped against it like a cat would, glancing back and forth at the various weird novelty wind-chimes hung along the front porch. Is that a shark-eating-a-griffon wind-chime? A Celestia-getting-a-chubby-belly-while-eating-cake wind-chime? A monkey-banging-a-coconut wind-chime? Goodness! He heard some commotion inside, and he made a happy grunt.
"Oh, hey!" Snips said, thrusting open the door and making a big smile. "How's it goi--" He took a good look at his best friend. "Wow, hey, Snails, what the hay happened to you?"
"It..." he moaned, "it... was..."
"A girl!" Snips interrupted, making an understanding expression as he flickered his ears. "Wasn't it?"
"Yep, girls."
"Just girls being girls?"
"Sort of like that." Snails said as he waved his hoof in the air, accidentally scattering some soaking wet leaves into Snips' living room.
Snips put an affectionate hoof around Snails, and he welcomed Snails inside. Ah, well, I'm all done with that big mess. Over and done with. Snails carefully shut the door, trying his best not to get anything smudged on it. He glanced around at Snips' familiar living room.
"Let me get you some chocolate milk and, more importantly," Snips said, "some aspirin."
Snails threw his head back and moaned.
The End
