Dr. Muffinlove or “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Friendship”

by Moosetasm

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 3440

Paranoia runs rampant after the events of "Cutie Markless." "Emergency Plans" are drafted to keep Equestria safe. But nothing is safe... from a certain mare's sense of humor.

What happens when Equestrian war planning is left up to the politicians?

Nothing good.

When a mad-pony issues a bombing run on Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle has limited time, resources, and ponies at her disposal to try and prevent the destruction of Equestria's capital, and possibly all of Equestria itself.

"No plan survives contact with the enemy." - Field Marshall Helmuth Karl Bernhard Graf von Moltke

If it wasn't already obvious, this is an homage to "Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb."

Many thanks to SpookyMinion (aka CoffeeMinion) and Misternick for proofreading and editing this story.

Note: Story was posted for a story contest in Weekly Contests.

Published 2015-10-19 21:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-19 21:20:03 UTC

It... Begins!

It was a beautiful day. The birds were singing. The flowers were blooming. Children, who deserved it, were burning in the depths of Tartarus. The sun was shining…

It was a perfect day to start a war.

A light cyan pegasus with a rainbow colored mane was standing upright, tapping an impatient staccato with her hind legs, on the tarmac of the Equestrian airfield. Rainbow Dash rolled her rose colored eyes at Applejack, her orange-coated earth pony friend, who was tightening straps on the golden frame of the questionably sky-worthy air-chariot that the two were supposed to go patrolling in that day.

It had all started after the incident with Starlight Glimmer. The parliament and the royal court had levied their influence and caused a great deal of political pressure upon the princesses. Also, the “common” Ponies wanted to feel safe in the light of the new threat of forced equality, and the Princesses had had to make concessions to satiate the fears of the populace.

The “Friendship Chariots” had been one such concession. Each chariot carried a single magical device called an “F-Bomb,” with the “F” standing, of course, for “Friendship.” Each bomb was a smooth metal cylinder covered in arcane writing. Initial testing by Twilight Sparkle had rated each F-Bomb at about 50 mega-buddies, or approximately 6.8 chum factor.

An individual F-Bomb was capable of obliterating an entire pony city, while simultaneously making everypony within the blast radius instant friends. Several chariots were to remain airborne at all times and were to deliver their payloads to designated targets should Starlight Glimmer or her mindlessly equal slaves try to attack Equestria.

As the blonde-maned earth pony pulled the final piece of the harness taut, Rainbow Dash called out in irritation. “C’mon A.J.! I thought you were good at this kind of thing!”

Applejack narrowed her green eyes at the remark. She knew Rainbow wasn’t exactly the most tactful pony, but it still irritated her when the pegasus was as blatantly blunt as she was being now.

“Rain-bow,” she drawled in her country accent, “this ‘ere ain’t no plow, and it sure as sugar ain’t no piece ‘o farm’n ‘quipment!”

“We should have been airborne,” Rainbow said before drawing the next word out to uncomfortable lengths. “hours ago!”

Applejack gave her companion a look of exasperation. They hadn't even been on the tarmac for more than ten minutes. Rainbow, on the other hoof, continued complaining, willfully or otherwise, oblivious to the venomous gaze Applejack had leveled upon her. "Hey," the farmpony snapped before readjusting her tone to something closer to normal conversation level, "we're ready fer takeoff, so ya can quit yer yappin!"

Rainbow Dash lowered her goggles into place as Applejack boarded the chariot. "This is gonna rock!"

Rarity and Pinkie Pie trotted through an enormous warehouse of remarkably drab construction. Nondescript crates were piled, from wooden splintery floor to corrugated metal ceiling, throughout the expansive structure. The two ponies had been assigned to guard the place as part of Equestria’s new “Preparedness Campaign.” Hours of patrolling the stodgy interior had finally led the two to a small office which contained, amongst other things, a clunky electronics suite.

"Darling," purred Rarity, "Whatever are you doing with that, that..." The alabaster unicorn put hoof to muzzle as she contemplated an elegant way of saying radio and settled on “apparatus.”

Pinkie Pie giggled at the word Rarity had chosen and excitedly exclaimed,"I dunno, it was sitting here, all by itself, going 'crackle-shrrrr-pop-pop-shrrr-’"

Rarity placed her forehoof over Pinkie Pie’s mouth, silencing her cacophony. She leaned backwards, raised her other forehoof over her head in a sweeping gesture and said “Pinkie Pie, you simply cannot find that crude device or anything else in this in this dreadful place to be… interesting, can you?”

Rarity punctuated her question with a broad sweeping gesture that, had anypony been watching, would have showcased the uninhabited warehouse they had been assigned to.

“Sure I can,” exclaimed the earth pony equivalent of bottled energy. “Watch what I can do with it!”

Pinkie used a pink hoof to depress the big red button at the base of the comically large microphone that was attached to the maze of switches and dials.

“All wings, come in,” Pinkie spoke authoritatively into the receiving device. “I repeat, all wings come in!”

Rarity watched with some interest now. A Pinkie Pie plan usually resulted in something… Interesting, or perhaps insane. Rarity’s mind refocused on current events just in time to hear the end of Pinkie’s transmission.

“- Plan F! This is not a drill! I repeat, Plan F!” Then Pinkie switched off the power to the transceiver.

Rarity leveled a concerned glance towards Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie,” she said cautiously, "what did you just… do?”

Pinkie gave Rarity an ultra wide smile. “I just pranked Applejack and Rainbow Dash, big time!”

“But,” Rarity asked incredulously, “how was that a prank?”

“Easy,” explained the bouncing pink pony, “they’re going to spend the rest of their first flight worrying and wondering what in Equestria ‘Plan F’ is! It’ll be hilarious! I mean, it’s not like I accidentally gave them the ‘go’ code to proceed and bomb their target or anything, right?”

Rarity gave a nervous chuckle. “That would, indeed, be… unfortunate.”

In the echoing halls of the Castle of Friendship, a mulberry colored alicorn paced in front of a diminutive purple and green dragon.

The dragon looked up, a confused expression written across his chubby features. Spike had just finished reading something from a small bound book entitled "Emergency Plans."

"WHAT??" Twilight’s explosive (Spike worried that it might prove double explosive) outburst was surprisingly appropriate.

"That's what it says," Spike responded defensively, "Pinkie just ordered Applejack and Rainbow Dash to drop the F-Bomb on Canterlot!"

Twilight scrunched her face in hard thought. "We... we can just radio the cancellation signal!"

"Nope," replied her scaly companion. "One of the pro... provi... provisions of 'Plan F' is complete radio silence. Apparently they can't risk being con... con... contaminated by Starlight Glimmer's..." Spike trailed off. A look of vexation that was uncharacteristically strong, even for him, graced his features.

"Her what?"

Spike continued to stare at the booklet, his mouth hanging agape.

A magenta aura of magical energy tore the book from Spike's grasp.

Twilight began to hyperventilate, "Who… who came up with... THIS?"

Her purple eyes skimmed the document and then suddenly widened.

The book fell from the air as the aura faded from both it and Twilight's horn.

The book struck the floor and remained open to the section both Spike and Twilight had read. It was entitled "Emergency Plans Amendment Pertaining to Preventing the Spread of the Equalitarian Infection.” The amendment had been added by none other than the ineffable (in more ways than one) Prince Blueblood.

“WHAT??” Rainbow Dash had no way to know that the same word had just been uttered a few short miles away by a certain Princess of Friendship.

“It says right here in the code book, sugarcube,” Applejack said. “Ah can scarcely believe it mah-self. But it says here, ‘Plan F is on-lay to be used in response to a cater-strophic equality attack on Canterlot itself.’ It says we hafta proceed to Canterlot and deliver this here F-Bomb to put Starlight Glimmer’s crazy powers right-out.”

Rainbow Dash was wracked by a mix of emotions; anger over the audacity of an attack on Canterlot, fear over how many ponies could be under Starlight Glimmer’s evil spell. But she was a paragon of loyalty, and she would carry out her duties, no matter the consequences.

“Applejack?” Rainbow whispered.

“Yeah, Rainbow?”

“This bomb, it just destroys things, right? Not... ponies?” Worry had steadily crept into Rainbow Dash’s voice.

“Ah don’t rightly know, sugarcube, Twa-light’s the expert on friendship ‘an magic.”

Rainbow swallowed hard. “Well, we gotta do what we gotta do…”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack took off in a rainbow colored streak towards the Equestrian capital. They made good time; Rainbow had always prided herself on her speed and endurance, and she knew they would make it to Canterlot within the hour. But a mere fifteen minutes into their journey, they became imperiled.

“R.D.!” Applejack called from the chariot.

“Yeah A.J.?” Rainbow had to turn her head and slightly reduce speed so that she could hear what the country pony was about to say.

“Look o’er yonder,” Applejack said while pointing an orange hoof west of their target.

Rainbow swiveled her gaze in the proffered direction and saw three smoky contrails, arcing with electricity, heading directly towards them. Her heart sank as she watched the Wonderbolts, her heroes, close the distance with a speed that was much faster than she was comfortable with. There was no mistaking that the aerial stunt team was heading directly towards them.

Rainbow chewed nervously on her lower lip as she asked, “Do you think that they’re coming to help us?”

“Ah don’t think so, sugarcube,” Applejack drawled. “The ‘mergency plan says we ain’t supposed to trust anypony that tries to approach us on the bombin’ run.”

Rainbow held back tears as she considered the implications; the Wonderbolts themselves had been converted by Starlight Glimmer and now they were going to try and stop her and Applejack from delivering the only device capable of "curing" everypony in Canterlot. Everything was now riding on them completing the bombing run.

The Wonderbolts were good, but Rainbow Dash was better. She put on a brave face as she decided to plow onwards. “Let’s do this!”

Fluttershy cautiously entered the map room of Friendship Castle. “Um, what’s going on, Twilight?”

Twilight looked up from the map. “Oh, Fluttershy, thank goodness you’re here!” She trotted over and shared an embrace with the pink-maned pony. “The Wonderbolts have sight of Rainbow Dash and Applejack.” She trotted back to the map and pointed a hoof towards a series of disenflanked cutie marks that had broken off east around Canterlot mountain. “They’ve forced Rainbow to circle the mountain. That will buy us some time.” Her worried eyes surveyed the map. “But Rainbow’s too fast; they won’t be able to catch up.”

“Why don’t you contact Princess Celestia? I’m sure she could-”

“No,” Twilight blurted, causing Fluttershy to cower for a moment. “I’m the Princess of Friendship now! I can’t go asking the Princess every time I need help!”

“But, Twilight, didn’t your message say that Applejack and Rainbow were on their way to destroy-”

“I know,” Twilight yelled again, “I know, I know, I know!” She brought both hooves to her temples and watched the distant chase unfold on the magical map.

Fluttershy pursed her lips. “Well, if you won’t ask the other Princesses, what are you going to do?”

The Princess of Friendship opened her muzzle to answer but was interrupted as a grey-coated pony crashed through one of the arched windows surrounding the map room. The wall-eyed pegasus rebounded off of the map itself, causing a momentary distortion in the projected image. She stood up and shook her head back and forth, causing her blond mane to swing from side to side. When she finally stopped, her eyes remained straight for a moment, but soon re-crossed themselves.

“Dr. Muffinlove!” Twilight proclaimed excitedly, “you made it!”

“Sorry about die vindow, mein Müffiner... I mean Princess,” the golden eyed pegasus apologized, “I was aimin for die door but I kinda vent through die vindow instead.” She smiled inanely at Twilight.

“Dr. Muffinlove?” Fluttershy quietly asked Spike, “I thought her name was Derpy?”

“It was Derpy,” Spike whispered back, “but she apparently has-a-bro that made her change it. Apparently some parents thought the name was cruel or insulting or something.”

“Poor mare,” Fluttershy said. “But why is she speaking in a Germane accent?”

Spike gave her a look that spoke volumes about how little he both knew and cared. He added an exaggerated shrug for emphasis.

“Like I vas saying,” Dr. Muffinlove was expounding to the Princess, “if dass bomb goes off, it’s gonna set off all die rocket launchers in Canterlot.” The pegasus emphasized the statement by pantomiming an explosion with her forehooves.

“But,” the color drained from Twilight’s face as she spoke, “that means F-Bombs would be dropped on every city in Equestria!”

"Ja, mein Princess," the bubbly Dr. Muffinlove said, nodding in agreement.

“The foals!” Twilight shrieked. “The mad foals! I told them we didn’t need these things and now Equestria is going to be destroyed!”

“It does look pretty bad, mein Müffiner,” the grey mare offered. Her right forehoof suddenly shot out straight, as if giving salute to some unseen presence. She grabbed at it with her left, while futilely trying to maintain her balance with her wings.

Twilight turned away from Dr. Muffinlove’s attempt to chew her forehoof into submission. “I’ll have to contact Princess Celestia. I can’t let this go any further. Spike, take a letter...”

“Sister,” the night-blue alicorn said to the enormous, cake-devouring goddess of the sun, “how many letters hast thou received in the last hour?”

The pristine white alicorn cocked her head wryly, and her constantly flowing dawn-striped mane knocked over the small stack of scrolls that had been materializing on her office table with ever increasing frequency. “I do not know what you mean, Luna.”

Luna scowled at her elder sister. “Tia, ignoring the new Princess of Friendship is sure to come back to bite thee in thine...” she brought a silver shod hoof to her muzzle and coughed over the last word, “plot.”

Celestia rolled her magenta eyes. “Sister, dear, Twilight is a Princess in her own right now. There isn’t anything she can’t handle if she puts her mind to it.” She rose and deftly, as if from years of practice, dodged another incoming scroll. “Now, come, we have a wedding to attend. If Twilight is still having a conniption fit when we get back, We will see what We can do.”

Luna rolled her cyan eyes. “Fine, but didst thou remember to bring thine own present this time?”

The Wonderbolts had sacrificed their endurance to put on a desperate burst of speed. They lashed out with a series of lightning strikes, causing severe damage to the chariot and almost knocking Applejack from the vehicle’s platform.

Applejack fell onto a stack of papers, which she promptly released out the rear of the chariot. One would normally say that the Wonderbolts did not know what hit them, but in this case that would not be true; each piece of paper that smacked into the faces of the pursuing pegasi was an autographed headshot of Rainbow Dash.

The bold move had worked, the Wonderbolts had fallen behind the curvature of the mountain, but now their vehicle was ablaze.

Thick black smoke trailed from the rear of the Friendship Chariot. Applejack swatted at the smoking portions of the craft with her Stetson in an attempt to smother the obvious fires. As she worked, Applejack became acutely aware that several portions of the chariot were rattling in a manner that reminded her of a rickety barn in a heavy storm.

"How we doing back there, Applejack?" called Rainbow from beyond the choking cloud that billowed into the orange earth pony's face.

“Ah’d be a lot peachier if Ah could get this ‘ere panel to stop smokin! Consarn it!” Applejack’s hat worked overtime to clear smoke. “It’s worse than when Applebloom tried her hoof at bakin!”

“Well get a move on it, A.J.!” Rainbow called. “Canterlot’s in sight! We need to start the bombing run!”

Sure enough, Applejack could see the spires of the capital looming over the blinding smoke.

She set her hat firmly upon her head. “Okay Rainbow! We sure ain’t gonna stop this bomb’n run even if it harelips ever'pony on Bear Creek!”

Rainbow almost crashed into a rock outcropping as her mind tried to wrap itself around the countryism.

Thankfully, the F-Bomb was practically foalproof. All they had to do was drop it from the chariot and Canterlot would be cleansed of Starlight Glimmer’s taint. Applejack flipped the lever for the bomb release halfway to test it and immediately saw that the mechanism had been damaged.

“Oh hayseed!” she exclaimed, “Rainbow! Keep on the bomb’n run! I’m gonna hafta buck this thang loose!”

Rainbow Dash called something back through the smoke, but Applejack was already hanging from the scorched undercarriage of the chariot. They were too close now; if she didn’t get the bomb loose, they would have to bank around for another pass over the city, and there was no way they’d manage that; between the pursuing Wonderbolts and the smouldering fuselage, they would either be shot down or burn up first.

As the giant metallic claw that held the F-Bomb came into view, she could see that it was still gripped tightly around the device. It was the only thing on the chariot that didn't seem to have been knocked loose. She frowned. Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee were going to have their work cut out for them.

She climbed over, rested her rear on the front of the bomb and, seeing an unfamiliar connection opposite the main release, gave it an experimental tap with her forehoof.

The claw immediately opened.

“Oh ponyfeathers,” she managed. She soon found herself plummeting towards Canterlot Castle at speeds nearing terminal velocity.

As Applejack sped towards her final glory, she did the only thing that seemed appropriate: She took off her Stetson, started waving it wildly, and hollered.

“Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaw!”

The Royal Pony Sisters sat, stoically watching the extremely long, extremely boring, and knowing the groom, extremely pointless, wedding. Celestia did her best not to glower. Luna had put the kibosh on her plans to spice up her nephew’s nuptials with some surprise guests.

“Luna,” Celestia began, “I’m telling you, we should have brought some plus-ones who would have livened this thing up a bit.”

She was almost swatted in the face by the field of stars that was her sister’s mane as Luna abruptly swung her head around.

“Sister,” Luna said sternly, “I knowst thou feels the need to bring unnecessary excitement to the events We must attend, but-”

She was cut off mid-sentence by a filly’s shriek. Everypony looked to see that the groom, none other than the redoubtable Prince Blueblood himself, was cowering with fear, using the shocked, white-coated bride as a pony shield against some terror coming from above.

Luna glanced upwards.

“Ahh,” she uttered in a complete deadpan. “I see thou didst invite Applejack.”

Fluttershy watched as Twilight continued to pound her head against the friendship map.

The section of the map containing Canterlot Mountain and the surrounding countryside had become completely blurred. Without proper testing, which the parliament had actually voted against, it was anypony's guess how bad the damage was. In theory, the bombs were only supposed to destroy structures, but without proper testing...

"Ummm, Twilight?" Fluttershy quietly prodded.

"It's all over, Fluttershy!" Twilight moaned, punctuating the sentence by concussing her head against the table again. "The Canterlot rockets will have fired, we can't track them because of all the magical fallout, and when they hit, there won't be any trace of Equestrian society left!"

"Not really," Dr Muffinlove cheerfully added. "Ve can grab all die books from die castle und take them to die mines east of town!"

Twilight looked up from the cracked surface she had been beating herself against. “M... mines?”

“Yes, mein Müffiner,” piped the grey mare, “die Diamanthunde, the Diamond Doggies, have many tunnels ve can hide all die books in!” Her eyes somehow became more crossed than normal as she spoke.

"What about all the ponies?" Fluttershy asked timidly.

Dr. Muffinlove grinned maniacally. "Oh, zat is simple, Flütershy," she carefully explained, "ve vill bring die ponies ve vant to save from die bombs! Zere vill be plenty of room in die ünderground!”

“What about food?” Spike asked.

As Dr. Muffinlove continued to explain the benefits of a completely subterranean lifestyle, Twilight heard an odd sound. It was a high pitched whistling that she couldn’t quite place. A quick glance out the window revealed a smokey contrail coming from the direction of Canterlot.

An appropriate expletive tried to work its way from her lips as she realized that an F-Bomb was about to be dropped on Ponyville.

“Princess!” Shouted Dr. Muffinlove. “I have a plan!”

A blinding light shone through the windows, causing all the ponies (and dragon) to shield their eyes.

Dr. Muffinlove’s hoof suddenly dropped, revealing a set of perfectly straight eyes.

“Mein Müffiner!” she cried, “I can SEE!”

End