A Young Knight's Agonyby Weavers of DreamsChaptersI Am So ConfusedI Will Get a Few AnswersI Am the King of ObliviousSome Explaining is DoneI Am So ConfusedOkay, let's just skip over the point where I wake up, thought everything was a dream and then discovered it wasn't. We'll also not mention what went on during my moment of hysterics as I thought about what I was missing back home. Relatives, my job, my piece of junk car, internet friends, social media... so, nothing really important left behind. I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is the fact that they tied me up and tossed me in a corner. Well... laid me down gently on a bed of hay after making sure the ropes weren't too tight. That was nice of them. "So, what do we do with him?" Rarity asked Twilight, who was pacing back and forth while Applejack was glaring at her. "What can we do?" Twilight cried out as she stopped pacing just long enough to shake a hoof at me. "He's here, and the ritual won't work again, unless you want to spend time constructing an entirely new temple." She started pacing again. "I told you, it was a stretch that this one would even have enough power left to summon anything. Let alone some sort of hero material. Heck, we're lucky what we did manage to get didn't get turned inside out, or be reduced to a mass of writhing sludge." My eyes bugged out of their sockets. SAY WHAT? Rainbow Dash, who was sitting beside me, seemed to notice my reaction. She stroked my head in a soothing fashion. "Easy kid. You're okay. Don't let the egghead scare you." Twilight suddenly gasped and threw a hoof over her mouth. "Oh. I did it again, didn't I? Stupid-stupid-stupid. This is why Celestia forbade me to speak at all of those parties." "Easy, sugarcube," Applejack rolled her eyes, still glaring. "Let's not get our tails in a knot before we work somethin' out. Like, what are we gonna do about him?" Rainbow Dash threw a protective wing over me and scowled. "Exactly what we planned in the first place, Applejack. He's our only chance in taking back Equestria." "Relax, Rainbow Dash," the farmer snorted. "I ain't gonna hurt a young'un that ain't done no wrong as of yet. 'Sides, if you'll recall, it was you that wanted to hurt him. Well, you and Dinky Doo." Dinky? It was Dinky who attacked me? Aww, that really hurt. She was my all-time favorite background filly. Er, not that I cared about the show. She just... appealed to me. Moving on. "I was just caught up in the moment," Dash replied. "We wanted a hero to defeat the Displaced. And what do we get? another Displaced." Displaced? No. Nonononononono. NNNOOOOOOOOOO. Not that kind of universe. Please. Anything but that. Well, that and Chess Game of the Gods, or any of the Xenophilia stories. I do not have a pony fetish. I do not want to have mares throwing themselves at me. I can only imagine that it'd consist of a lot of shed fur in the wrong places and rug burn down under. Augh, now I need brain bleach. "Speaking of which," Twilight, who had apparently been listening, said walking up to me with a scrutinizing eye. "Who are you supposed to be?" Thanks for asking, finally. "Someone out of an anime, or a movie. A video game perhaps? What are your special abilities and superpowers?" She waited for my response. "Uh, ya think we should remove the gag first?" Applejack asked. Purple smart blushed and did just that. "Now, don't scream, whatever you do," she hissed. I compromised by whimpering pitifully. She leaned in close, eyes narrowed in scrutiny. "Alright. What convention were you at?" "I was at a renaissance fair," I responded in a hushed voice. She didn't appear to hear. "What's that? Speak up a bit. Where were you?" "A renaissance fair, okay?" I said louder. She nodded curtly. "I see. And what is a renaissance fair, exactly?" "It's a fair that celebrates the renaissance age," I responded decisively. She nodded again. "And what exactly is a renaissance age?" Okay, either she was stupid, or Equestria didn't have a renaissance of it's own. "It was a gigantic cultural movement that took place between the fourteenth and seventeenth century Europe. Highly over-romanticized by lots of people, but still a lot of fun." She tilted her head to the side. "So, wait... this is a true to life event? No giant fighting robots? Anime power-ups? Or blue hedgehogs?" I shook my head. "Nope. Just knights, knaves, chivalry, and bad hygiene." "Huh," Twilight sat down upon her plot and scratched her head in thought. "So. You didn't gain any supernatural magic powers?" "Ah?" I had to think a moment. I was dressed as a knight in foam armor. That was it. "No. I can safely say I do not. I think the only thing that happened was my foam costume turning to solid steel. Which almost got me killed a few moments ago." "So you didn't even get the strength to move around in it?" "Nope," I shook my head. "I was cosplaying as a peasant who had stolen a knight's armor in order to get close to a princess. Of course he would then be caught and executed, but, at least he found love." "That is oddly specific and stupid," Twilight mused, quirking her brow. A grunt from applejack made her blush. "Stupid-stupid-stupid. Not again." Gee. I felt really sorry for her. Such low self esteem. Were my hands free I would have given her a hug. "Well, I was just trying to be original," I quipped. "Do you realize how many dorks are out there dressing up as blacksmiths, Robin Hood, or Sir Lancelot? Too many. I just wanted to try something different, stand out from the crowd." "Yeah, and now you can hardly move because of it," Applejack snorted. Rainbow Dash growled at her. "Knock it off," the multi-colored wonder said. "He's scared enough as is." "Okay, this is weird, really weird," I said aloud as I tried to pull myself up into a sitting position. "Why is this pegasus acting so out of character? For crying out loud, she wanted to drop me in lava not too long ago." "She's just got a motherly side to her," Applejack explained with a wave of her hoof. Rainbow Dash blushed, but didn't deny it. "Motherly?" I cried. "I'm nineteen for crying out loud. Heck my parents kicked me out as soon as I turned eighteen. I'm a fully functioning adult." "We don't care how you humans go about deciding adulthood," Applejack snorted, narrowing her eyes at me. "Here in Equestria, you ain't an adult until you're at least in your mid thirties. You humans have just got some messed up family values." "What?" I cried again. "You can't just force your culture upon me like that." "We can, and we will," the farm mare said, sticking her nose in the air. "For the time bein' you're not going to be let out of our sight." "Okay, this is ludicrous," I snapped wriggled to a kneeling position. "I am fine on my own, I don't have to be pampered by a bunch of technicolored characters from a little girl's TV show. You're not the boss of me." For some reason all the assembled mares seemed amused by this. Did I have something on my face? Omelet perhaps? "Oh, yes, really grown up," a random mare spoke up. The all began laughing. Well, my ego was already shot, now they were just batting around its corpse like a soccer ball. "Could someone please just explain what's going on?" I pleaded not feeling like fighting anymore. The armor was heavy, the room was hot, the armor was hot, I was surrounded by ponies that shouldn't exist, and the armor stank. Huh, I guess my armor is actually the worst of it. "Actually, hold that thought, cause I don't really care at the moment. Just help me get out this armor. I baking alive inside this thing." I Will Get a Few Answers"So, let me get this straight," I started, feeling a little feint. It still freaking hot in this large room. "You summoned me with the blood of a thousand virgin mares?" "Actually, virgins were hard to find, so we had to settle for just six hundred and forty-eight," Twilight explained. "And it was no more than a pin prick. Not like we were sacrificing anyone." "So, less power equals a lesser hero?" I inquired, not sure what kind of answer I was hoping for. "Actually, it becomes kind of a lottery once you drop below seven hundred willing virgins," Twilight went on waving her hooves around as though she thought I could translate body language. News flash, I can't even tell when people are talking to me, or just mad about something. "We could have just as easily wound up getting a box of fluffy kittens or a pizza." "You realize virgins can also mean males who haven't yet had sex, right?" I asked tilting my head a bit. She nodded. "Well, of course. But the greatest heroes in history tend to be straight males. We did the math, and our best chance was keeping to that tried and true formula. So, using the blood of virgin females, we called up a likely candidate's desires." "Desires?" I asked, quirking an eye brow in confusion. "Mates," the purple alicorn declared with a broad smile. "While not a thousand, I'm sure six hundred and forty-eight will be a good start to your harem." And just like that I puked. Well, dry heaved anyway. Man I was hungry. "I do not have a pony fetish, nor any desire to pork a horse," I loudly shouted after the heaving fit passed. Boy, a few looked downright insulted. The rest looked grateful. None looked disappointed. "Well, I guess it's really not so much about the species, so much as it's about the desire to mate," Twilight said with a shrug. "The call managed to latch on by not specifying the kind of females that were offering themselves." "Offering themselves?" I yelped. "Yeah," Twilight nodded. "It had to be willing virgins, after all." "Well this virgin isn't willing," I snorted back. The alicorn shrugged. "It's your choice. But, until your task is complete, we are yours." I gagged. As did many other mares in the vicinity. The rest, perhaps, were just being polite. "Well, until you finish your summoned purpose," one mare spoke up, "none of us can follow any other romantic pursuits. So, hurry up, some of us are antsy. Ouch." The mare who had spoken up reached up and rubbed her head tenderly. "What was that? It felt someone struck me." Twilight sighed. "What part of willing virgin didn't you understand? Until his task is complete none of us can reject him. It's just that simple. Most of us are adults, so we must therefore control ourselves and our indulgences. The fillies, for the time being, are to be kept separate from the colts. As something as simple as a kiss could be catastrophic." "Fillies?" I yelped. "You made children pledge themselves to me?" Twilight nodded. "Of course." "I'm not a pedophile," I shrieked back. "Well, duh," she continued, waving a dismissive hoof. "I used Summoning Ritual number 436. Quote: While ritual 436 allows virgin fillies to partake in the blood oath, it ensures that the male hero summoned will honorably wait until they mature to the proper mating age- end quote. Post Script - if in the event the ritual's chanter messes up and no such honorable male is summoned, this also ensures that he will die of worm-filled blisters if any advances are made against the children." I nodded slowly, trying not to think about what worm-filled blisters might look like. "Okay. We're safe there." "Of course we are," she stated matter-of-factly. "I was the top ritual chanter in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns." "Of course that'd be a thing," I groused. "Why wouldn't it be a thing?" "Never mind," I said, testing the ropes. "Um, is there really any reason to keep me tied up like this any more? It's getting a little uncomfortable. Heck, it was never comfortable." Applejack rolled her eyes as she walked over and grabbed an end in her mouth, giving it a sharp tug. "Ptooie. There, that oughta do it." "Thank you," said I, standing up and stretching. Well, do my utmost best, anyway. "Gad, this armor is just too heavy." "Than take it off," the farm mare snorted. I didn't dignify her with a response. I just began scrounging about for all the little latches and straps. "Dang it. I can't find the latches. The transformation, thingy, portal, whatchamacallit, must have changed everything around." "Allow me," the alabaster member of the mane six said, producing a pair of scissors from her saddlebags. "Just hold really still and I'll it off of you in a jiffy." Well, I did yelp a little when she removed the codpiece. "Oh, come now, I wasn't going to do anything, darling," she huffed, looking rather insulted as she moved further on down the legs. "Well excuse me for just not liking sharp objects anywhere near my junk," I huffed and crossed my arms in front of my chest. "Point taken," the mare nodded understandingly. "I'll be more carful in the future." "In the future I won't wear full plate armor," I responded. I kept the gauntlets, however. They weren't too heavy, and I was always better with my fists anyway. It was nice that I still had jeans and a Budweiser t-shirt on underneath the armor, sans a few cuts from the unicorn's overly sharp scissors. Yipes. "That doesn't look very authentic," Twilight pointed out. "You said you were a peasant." "Oh, like I would go all out like some of the fanatics," I replied and grunted, trying to tug off the stupid boots. "I just made sure to cover up all the in between spaces with some with some ratty fabric and no one could tell the difference." "Seems like a lot of effort to be lazy," she mused. "Well, it's one of those things you have to work at," I responded, tossing the metal boots aside. "Now... now that I'm more comfortable... and lighter.... goodbye." I bolted for the door. I Am the King of ObliviousDid I mention I was scared of the dark? Granted, how could you know? We just met after all. Well, now you know. Would you like to know why it's so important? Because I seem to be trapped in a human-sized box with no seams or exits. Did I also mention I was claustrophobic? Yessiree, it was time to panic. For some reason, my arms felt exceptionally heavy as they banged against the barrier before my face. It was also getting very hot and sweaty in there. Almost as if someone had lit a fire under me. Yeah, I couldn't even call for help it was so humid. "It actually worked?" Upon hearing the voice, I ceased my pounding. Was someone here to rescue me? Oh thank goodness. "Wait, what do you it by, 'it worked'?" another voice inquired, sounding rather irritated. "You said it was going to. Were you just leading us all on with false hope?" "W-well... er... that is... what's it matter now?" the first voice stuttered quickly, sounding very nervous. "After all, it worked, didn't it?" "Well, yeah," said the second, "but you make it seem as if you weren't sure it would." "Well, there was no real guarantee," stated the first. Man, she was bad at this. Yes, she. I'm pretty sure it was a female voice. "Girl" ---confirmed--- "if I weren't so happy right now, I'd slap you across the room." "G-get ahold of yourself, after all... I-it worked, didn't it?" Okay, this was nice and all, but, seriously, I need to get out of this thing, right now. I banged harder, like a panicked animal. Hopefully they would get a clue. "Uh... Twilight? Do ya think we should let it out?" Twilight? Why did that sound so familiar. Something-something sparkles. Oh no. I did not get kidnapped by a bunch of gay vampire fanatics, did I? That was the third time this year. I really got to see about moving to another state. This was getting to be too much. With that thought in mind I mustered all of my strength and threw my knees and fists into the barrier. CRACK!!! Unfortunately, those were my bones. Well, humid or not, I finally managed to make some noise. I guess they finally got a clue and pried away the lid to my prison. Light flooded into the would-be tomb and I sat up like a lightning bolt. A lightning bolt? I really need to be more creative. Anyway, I blinked away the fuzzies from my eyes and looked about. Technicolor horses. A lot of them. Female. How do I know they were female? Because I watched the bloody show. Duh. This was not happening. Nope. Nuh-uh. I was not a Brony. I just watched the show every now and again. Thus why it took me so long to connect the dots with Twilight. So I had been kidnapped by a bunch of costumed freaks this time. Why does this keep happening? At least it's better than that time I was kidnapped by that band of furries. I will not describe what transpired. I'll leave that to whatever little imagination television has left you with. What was I supposed to do now? They appeared to be waiting for something. My vision was still a little blurry, so I couldn't quite make out their expressions. But, the room had gone eerily quiet. "Eeeee, no. Do-over, do-over. Put it back. Try again." I was suddenly assaulted by a small beast wielding a frying pan. Screaming at the top of her lungs. Was this some bizarre demonic sacrificial ritual? Eh. I'll give it a four. It was nowhere near as creative as when that clown cult tried to beat me with helium balloons. Still never found out what they were smoking. Anyway. For some reason, the frying pan wasn't doing that much damage to me. Which I didn't complain about as I wrestled it from the monster's grasp as some unseen force yanked her away from me. I did my best to stand up. Wow. I was so freakin' heavy. What was going on. "That's quite enough, young lady," I warned her, waggling the pan in her general direction. Oh, that's why I feel so heavy. I'm apparently covered head-to-toe in medieval plate armor. Also explains the vision, stupid grimy helmet. Now, that just leaves the question of what I was doing before these equine-obsessed basement dwellers kidnapped me. Oh, that's right. The local renaissance fair. Great, I've probably missed the reenactment of Agincourt. Damn these ponies. This had better be worth it. King Henry needed me. Funny. I remember this armor being made of foam and laminated paper. There is no way I could have afforded this without blowing through my motorcycle fund. The stupid latch on the side of the helmet was giving me a lot of trouble. That and it was uncomfortably hot in the general vicinity. The reason why was quickly apparent. Beneath the stone prison I had been encased in was a pool of lava. Holy crap! What were they trying to do? Baste me in my own sweat? With an incredibly undignified and girly scream, I leapt for my life across the chasm towards the ledge. I fell short. To say the least. Armor dragged me down quite a bit. Thankfully, someone caught my hand. "Urgh, so heavy," the raspy female voice complained aloud. "Can't I just let him burn to death?" "Rainbow Dash. He may be one of them, but that's no reason to kill him." "Sure it is, Twilight. Save us the trouble of doing it later anyway." "We are not going to kill him. He's our only hope." "So you say, Purple Smart. Well, he'd better deliver." I felt more people reach out to pull me up over the ledge and to the safety of solid ground. Relatively so, as I was not so deaf as to miss hearing them talk about killing me. Still, best be polite to my rescuers. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou," I cried, literally, as I hugged my rescuer's neck. Wow, that was some really realistic fur she had for her costume. Would they go so far as to use horse fur for a pony costume? Why not? They could afford the lava pool. She tensed as I blubbered incoherently into her fur. This lasted a for a while until she reached out and hugged me back. Must of done something right. "There-there, kid," she sighed regretfully. "I'm sorry I considered killing you." Blunt apology. I was so not going to piss this one off. "Ah, see there, Dash?" one of the others cooed, "I knew that you had strong maternal instincts." "Sh-shut up," the one personifying Dash snapped back. She patted my back gently. "I didn't get a good look before. How was I supposed to know he was just a kid." Hey. I was nineteen. Hardly a kid. "Well, just be sure Scootaloo doesn't get too jealous," the other snickered. Rainbow Dash just snort in irritation. "It's just until he calms down," the colorful one muttered, patting my back again. Good grief, now it was beginning to feel awkward. With one last shudder, I pushed myself away and did my best to scowl and look serious. "Alright, enough of this. What's going on? Why was I suspended over a pit of lava? I could have died. Check that, would have died." An orange one, Applejack I shall assume, pointed back towards the pool. "Ya'll could 'ave just used the bridge." I looked back at the pit. Sure enough, there was a bridge stretching towards the center of the pit wear the stone box lay. It was wide enough to let a car pass over it and it even had railing set up. Heck, there was even a safety harness dangling just a few feet from the box, along with a pair a ponies standing by to assist me into it. One of them was holding the little beast whom I assumed had attacked me. Wow, they were really safety conscious here. Other than the frying pan. Well, there goes my ego. "Well, you could have pointed that out sooner," I groused. "Sorry, just a little in shock at what we managed to summon," one dressed as Twilight grinned nervously. I blinked. Damn. Those were great costumes. Complete with automated facial expressions and dilating pupils. Must have cost a fortune. Not to mention the mouths moved in time with how they were speaking. It must have cost a fortune. Though, it must be uncomfortable being down on all fours like they all were. Okay, this moment of sudden realization is taking too long. Yadda-yadda-yadda I dropped like a rock because I couldn't handle the fact that they were really real. okay... NNNEEEXXXT TIME ON A YOUNG KNIGHTS AGONY: It's already uploaded, go read it and find out for yourself. Some Explaining is DoneApparently the ritual also ensures I cannot shirk my duties and run away. I hardly got ten feet before crippling pain ran through my body and I collapsed onto the stone floor, screaming. Rainbow Dash was the first by my side, cradling my head in her hooves as I twitched and flailed as if in a seizure. There has to be a deeper reason for her acting this way than just being motherly. Motherly? That was so not in the show. Not that I watched it that often. You can just tell the patterns. And this just didn't fit. "Post-post script," Twilight read from a book about ritual rules. "The chosen hero cannot shirk his mission. Any attempt that he makes to shirk his mission will be met with crippling pain. If he manages to resist the crippling pain, his brain will leak from his ears until he is dead." "You couldn't have told me this sooner?" I shouted, instantly regretting it as my headache grew worse. The skittles mare stroked my head softly. I'd complain if it didn't feel so good. I have to ask. "Alright, what's wrong with this mare?" I demanded, jerking a thumb in her general direction. "This is so OOC it's almost painful." "That's her story to tell," Applejack replied with a huff as she sorted through my discarded armor, looking for something. "Why don't you ask her?" "Okay, fair enough," I coughed, managing to recover enough to sit back up. Boy, the mares did not look too happy at my attempts to get away. I really hoped there was another post script they kept them from killing me. Back to the matter at hand. "Okay, Skittles, what's your story?" She blinked and looked away. "I... it's... well you see... I once..." "C'mon, spit out already," I moaned. I hate when people pause in their sentences. Unless your the secret lovechild of William Shatner and Jeff Goldblum you have no excuse. She looked at me for a long moment and then deflated, ears drooping to the point I almost felt bad. "You don't even know why you're here in the first place... do you?" I shook my head. "Is it really that obvious? Gee, I thought for sure I was being so clever." "Hey, you be nice, fella," Applejack scolded me from where she stood a distance away. I rolled my eyes. "Twilight," Rainbow Dash shouted. Augh, my head. "Get over here an explain to this kid what he's here for." "Quietly, please," I groaned pitifully. "Very... very quietly." Twilight walked up and glared down at me. "Learned your lesson yet?" I nodded. "Yeah-yeah. Do as I'm told or die." "Not exactly how I would word it, but I'll take it," she whispered with a shrug. I was grateful. "Well... let's go with the history lesson first." "No," I cried, not caring about the headache all of a sudden. "A thousand time no. I do not want to hear some stupid lecture about how things got this way. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point." Her glare intensified, but she indulged me nonetheless. "Very well. The Crucible is too out of control, and Equestria is in ruin, and your the lucky lottery winner who we hope saves our sorry plots." We blink at each other for a long while. "Okay, maybe a little history lesson," I conceded with a grimace. "Mm-hmm, I thought you might," she rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Long ago, a human appeared, dressed as a being from a cartoon he loved. With it he also held the power of this being. He was the first Displaced. He took up the mantle of a hero with the name Yosemite Sam..." Brain.exe is not working. What? Yosemite Sam? Hero? Him? "...and with his magic pistols and near invulnerability, he became the guardian of the western border of Equestria," she went on. With a straight face, I might add. How could anyone take that seriously? Where would you even get a Yosemite Sam costume? "After him came the others. Hundreds of humans bearing unbelievable powers and hearts longing for adventure." Okay, this is sounding like some kind of silly fanfiction now. Would that be considered breaking the fourth wall? They say that's a very fragile part of your psyche. Shouldn't throw rocks. "With their appearance, Equestria became a symbol of power and progress for the whole world," inventions and concepts we had never even dreamed of seemed to just spring up out of the rocks, we were even on the verge of our very first space program." Goodness, she looked like she was about to orgasm. Easy girl. Hold your horses. Pun totally intended. What I was hearing, so far, was nothing bad. "Then, one day," she continued, growing less excited, her tone lowering, "a few of the displaced became discontent with the lack of excitement." And there it was. "At first we thought is was a just a standard outbreak of monsters and villains," she explained with her hoff gestures again. "Mad scientists, wizards with world-domination complexes, and devil-spawn from the fiery underworld seeking to cover the world in utter darkness... you know, the usual. But then we started noticing patterns." "Let me guess," I interrupted her, "these displaced were causing the outbreaks to get into the spotlight again right?" "We thought so too at first, yes," Twilight nodded. "Which would have been forgivable, considering the amount of times they had actually saved us before. But, that was not their intention. They were not using these outbreaks as diversions from the mundane, but as distractions. Keeping themselves in the spotlight to hide what they were working on in the shadows." Interesting way to plot evil schemes. I thought so at least. Then again, I've never been that clever a guy. "And what was their plan?" I tried to hurry her along. She seemed to get the idea. "To trap every single displaced inside a vessel and leave Equestria without these powerful defenders of peace." "Wow... that's a little dark," I muttered. "What kind of vessel? A vase? Cardboard box? A safe?" "A used tissue box," she answered. "By used do you mean...?" "Yes, and more," she cut me off quickly, nodding curtly. "That's just ill," I shuddered. "Would never think to look there." "Neither did we," Twilight sighed sadly. "Until it was too late. Their displaced-catching spell worked well. Too well. The Perpetrators found themselves victim to their own devices." "So you caught them?" "Nope, we only know most of this due to notes found in their secret lair," she explained with a wave of her hoof. "As it turns out, tissue boxes are not great for containing a spell's integrity. Much less used tissue boxes. By the time we found the vessel, it had decayed into an abomination of a spell that would have made H. P. Lovecraft seem sane. When we attempted to release the displaced... well... something else came out." "Cthulhu, perhaps?" I suggested an appropriate name. "Oh how I wish." That does not sound good. "Best way to describe it? Uh... a giant... a mass of writhing... it can move... er... it, um, well... pinkish..." "It's a giant blob made up of all the displaced, wieldin' all of their powers and corrupted to the core," Applejack said in place of Twilight's more jumbled description. "It's about the size of Canterlot, can move with amazin' speed, and is actually very intelligent. Thus the reason we're all hidin' in an abandoned temple in the Equestrian wastes." "And you expect me to help you take care of it?" I asked redundantly. "Don't see as we have any other options," she shrugged. "Can you stop scaring him, already? He's about ready to pass out." Why is it Rainbow Dash is the only one showing concern about my personal being? And why does she keep on avoiding answering my question? Also, she was right. I did pass out. It was really hot in there.
I Am So ConfusedOkay, let's just skip over the point where I wake up, thought everything was a dream and then discovered it wasn't. We'll also not mention what went on during my moment of hysterics as I thought about what I was missing back home. Relatives, my job, my piece of junk car, internet friends, social media... so, nothing really important left behind. I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is the fact that they tied me up and tossed me in a corner. Well... laid me down gently on a bed of hay after making sure the ropes weren't too tight. That was nice of them. "So, what do we do with him?" Rarity asked Twilight, who was pacing back and forth while Applejack was glaring at her. "What can we do?" Twilight cried out as she stopped pacing just long enough to shake a hoof at me. "He's here, and the ritual won't work again, unless you want to spend time constructing an entirely new temple." She started pacing again. "I told you, it was a stretch that this one would even have enough power left to summon anything. Let alone some sort of hero material. Heck, we're lucky what we did manage to get didn't get turned inside out, or be reduced to a mass of writhing sludge." My eyes bugged out of their sockets. SAY WHAT? Rainbow Dash, who was sitting beside me, seemed to notice my reaction. She stroked my head in a soothing fashion. "Easy kid. You're okay. Don't let the egghead scare you." Twilight suddenly gasped and threw a hoof over her mouth. "Oh. I did it again, didn't I? Stupid-stupid-stupid. This is why Celestia forbade me to speak at all of those parties." "Easy, sugarcube," Applejack rolled her eyes, still glaring. "Let's not get our tails in a knot before we work somethin' out. Like, what are we gonna do about him?" Rainbow Dash threw a protective wing over me and scowled. "Exactly what we planned in the first place, Applejack. He's our only chance in taking back Equestria." "Relax, Rainbow Dash," the farmer snorted. "I ain't gonna hurt a young'un that ain't done no wrong as of yet. 'Sides, if you'll recall, it was you that wanted to hurt him. Well, you and Dinky Doo." Dinky? It was Dinky who attacked me? Aww, that really hurt. She was my all-time favorite background filly. Er, not that I cared about the show. She just... appealed to me. Moving on. "I was just caught up in the moment," Dash replied. "We wanted a hero to defeat the Displaced. And what do we get? another Displaced." Displaced? No. Nonononononono. NNNOOOOOOOOOO. Not that kind of universe. Please. Anything but that. Well, that and Chess Game of the Gods, or any of the Xenophilia stories. I do not have a pony fetish. I do not want to have mares throwing themselves at me. I can only imagine that it'd consist of a lot of shed fur in the wrong places and rug burn down under. Augh, now I need brain bleach. "Speaking of which," Twilight, who had apparently been listening, said walking up to me with a scrutinizing eye. "Who are you supposed to be?" Thanks for asking, finally. "Someone out of an anime, or a movie. A video game perhaps? What are your special abilities and superpowers?" She waited for my response. "Uh, ya think we should remove the gag first?" Applejack asked. Purple smart blushed and did just that. "Now, don't scream, whatever you do," she hissed. I compromised by whimpering pitifully. She leaned in close, eyes narrowed in scrutiny. "Alright. What convention were you at?" "I was at a renaissance fair," I responded in a hushed voice. She didn't appear to hear. "What's that? Speak up a bit. Where were you?" "A renaissance fair, okay?" I said louder. She nodded curtly. "I see. And what is a renaissance fair, exactly?" "It's a fair that celebrates the renaissance age," I responded decisively. She nodded again. "And what exactly is a renaissance age?" Okay, either she was stupid, or Equestria didn't have a renaissance of it's own. "It was a gigantic cultural movement that took place between the fourteenth and seventeenth century Europe. Highly over-romanticized by lots of people, but still a lot of fun." She tilted her head to the side. "So, wait... this is a true to life event? No giant fighting robots? Anime power-ups? Or blue hedgehogs?" I shook my head. "Nope. Just knights, knaves, chivalry, and bad hygiene." "Huh," Twilight sat down upon her plot and scratched her head in thought. "So. You didn't gain any supernatural magic powers?" "Ah?" I had to think a moment. I was dressed as a knight in foam armor. That was it. "No. I can safely say I do not. I think the only thing that happened was my foam costume turning to solid steel. Which almost got me killed a few moments ago." "So you didn't even get the strength to move around in it?" "Nope," I shook my head. "I was cosplaying as a peasant who had stolen a knight's armor in order to get close to a princess. Of course he would then be caught and executed, but, at least he found love." "That is oddly specific and stupid," Twilight mused, quirking her brow. A grunt from applejack made her blush. "Stupid-stupid-stupid. Not again." Gee. I felt really sorry for her. Such low self esteem. Were my hands free I would have given her a hug. "Well, I was just trying to be original," I quipped. "Do you realize how many dorks are out there dressing up as blacksmiths, Robin Hood, or Sir Lancelot? Too many. I just wanted to try something different, stand out from the crowd." "Yeah, and now you can hardly move because of it," Applejack snorted. Rainbow Dash growled at her. "Knock it off," the multi-colored wonder said. "He's scared enough as is." "Okay, this is weird, really weird," I said aloud as I tried to pull myself up into a sitting position. "Why is this pegasus acting so out of character? For crying out loud, she wanted to drop me in lava not too long ago." "She's just got a motherly side to her," Applejack explained with a wave of her hoof. Rainbow Dash blushed, but didn't deny it. "Motherly?" I cried. "I'm nineteen for crying out loud. Heck my parents kicked me out as soon as I turned eighteen. I'm a fully functioning adult." "We don't care how you humans go about deciding adulthood," Applejack snorted, narrowing her eyes at me. "Here in Equestria, you ain't an adult until you're at least in your mid thirties. You humans have just got some messed up family values." "What?" I cried again. "You can't just force your culture upon me like that." "We can, and we will," the farm mare said, sticking her nose in the air. "For the time bein' you're not going to be let out of our sight." "Okay, this is ludicrous," I snapped wriggled to a kneeling position. "I am fine on my own, I don't have to be pampered by a bunch of technicolored characters from a little girl's TV show. You're not the boss of me." For some reason all the assembled mares seemed amused by this. Did I have something on my face? Omelet perhaps? "Oh, yes, really grown up," a random mare spoke up. The all began laughing. Well, my ego was already shot, now they were just batting around its corpse like a soccer ball. "Could someone please just explain what's going on?" I pleaded not feeling like fighting anymore. The armor was heavy, the room was hot, the armor was hot, I was surrounded by ponies that shouldn't exist, and the armor stank. Huh, I guess my armor is actually the worst of it. "Actually, hold that thought, cause I don't really care at the moment. Just help me get out this armor. I baking alive inside this thing."
I Will Get a Few Answers"So, let me get this straight," I started, feeling a little feint. It still freaking hot in this large room. "You summoned me with the blood of a thousand virgin mares?" "Actually, virgins were hard to find, so we had to settle for just six hundred and forty-eight," Twilight explained. "And it was no more than a pin prick. Not like we were sacrificing anyone." "So, less power equals a lesser hero?" I inquired, not sure what kind of answer I was hoping for. "Actually, it becomes kind of a lottery once you drop below seven hundred willing virgins," Twilight went on waving her hooves around as though she thought I could translate body language. News flash, I can't even tell when people are talking to me, or just mad about something. "We could have just as easily wound up getting a box of fluffy kittens or a pizza." "You realize virgins can also mean males who haven't yet had sex, right?" I asked tilting my head a bit. She nodded. "Well, of course. But the greatest heroes in history tend to be straight males. We did the math, and our best chance was keeping to that tried and true formula. So, using the blood of virgin females, we called up a likely candidate's desires." "Desires?" I asked, quirking an eye brow in confusion. "Mates," the purple alicorn declared with a broad smile. "While not a thousand, I'm sure six hundred and forty-eight will be a good start to your harem." And just like that I puked. Well, dry heaved anyway. Man I was hungry. "I do not have a pony fetish, nor any desire to pork a horse," I loudly shouted after the heaving fit passed. Boy, a few looked downright insulted. The rest looked grateful. None looked disappointed. "Well, I guess it's really not so much about the species, so much as it's about the desire to mate," Twilight said with a shrug. "The call managed to latch on by not specifying the kind of females that were offering themselves." "Offering themselves?" I yelped. "Yeah," Twilight nodded. "It had to be willing virgins, after all." "Well this virgin isn't willing," I snorted back. The alicorn shrugged. "It's your choice. But, until your task is complete, we are yours." I gagged. As did many other mares in the vicinity. The rest, perhaps, were just being polite. "Well, until you finish your summoned purpose," one mare spoke up, "none of us can follow any other romantic pursuits. So, hurry up, some of us are antsy. Ouch." The mare who had spoken up reached up and rubbed her head tenderly. "What was that? It felt someone struck me." Twilight sighed. "What part of willing virgin didn't you understand? Until his task is complete none of us can reject him. It's just that simple. Most of us are adults, so we must therefore control ourselves and our indulgences. The fillies, for the time being, are to be kept separate from the colts. As something as simple as a kiss could be catastrophic." "Fillies?" I yelped. "You made children pledge themselves to me?" Twilight nodded. "Of course." "I'm not a pedophile," I shrieked back. "Well, duh," she continued, waving a dismissive hoof. "I used Summoning Ritual number 436. Quote: While ritual 436 allows virgin fillies to partake in the blood oath, it ensures that the male hero summoned will honorably wait until they mature to the proper mating age- end quote. Post Script - if in the event the ritual's chanter messes up and no such honorable male is summoned, this also ensures that he will die of worm-filled blisters if any advances are made against the children." I nodded slowly, trying not to think about what worm-filled blisters might look like. "Okay. We're safe there." "Of course we are," she stated matter-of-factly. "I was the top ritual chanter in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns." "Of course that'd be a thing," I groused. "Why wouldn't it be a thing?" "Never mind," I said, testing the ropes. "Um, is there really any reason to keep me tied up like this any more? It's getting a little uncomfortable. Heck, it was never comfortable." Applejack rolled her eyes as she walked over and grabbed an end in her mouth, giving it a sharp tug. "Ptooie. There, that oughta do it." "Thank you," said I, standing up and stretching. Well, do my utmost best, anyway. "Gad, this armor is just too heavy." "Than take it off," the farm mare snorted. I didn't dignify her with a response. I just began scrounging about for all the little latches and straps. "Dang it. I can't find the latches. The transformation, thingy, portal, whatchamacallit, must have changed everything around." "Allow me," the alabaster member of the mane six said, producing a pair of scissors from her saddlebags. "Just hold really still and I'll it off of you in a jiffy." Well, I did yelp a little when she removed the codpiece. "Oh, come now, I wasn't going to do anything, darling," she huffed, looking rather insulted as she moved further on down the legs. "Well excuse me for just not liking sharp objects anywhere near my junk," I huffed and crossed my arms in front of my chest. "Point taken," the mare nodded understandingly. "I'll be more carful in the future." "In the future I won't wear full plate armor," I responded. I kept the gauntlets, however. They weren't too heavy, and I was always better with my fists anyway. It was nice that I still had jeans and a Budweiser t-shirt on underneath the armor, sans a few cuts from the unicorn's overly sharp scissors. Yipes. "That doesn't look very authentic," Twilight pointed out. "You said you were a peasant." "Oh, like I would go all out like some of the fanatics," I replied and grunted, trying to tug off the stupid boots. "I just made sure to cover up all the in between spaces with some with some ratty fabric and no one could tell the difference." "Seems like a lot of effort to be lazy," she mused. "Well, it's one of those things you have to work at," I responded, tossing the metal boots aside. "Now... now that I'm more comfortable... and lighter.... goodbye." I bolted for the door.
I Am the King of ObliviousDid I mention I was scared of the dark? Granted, how could you know? We just met after all. Well, now you know. Would you like to know why it's so important? Because I seem to be trapped in a human-sized box with no seams or exits. Did I also mention I was claustrophobic? Yessiree, it was time to panic. For some reason, my arms felt exceptionally heavy as they banged against the barrier before my face. It was also getting very hot and sweaty in there. Almost as if someone had lit a fire under me. Yeah, I couldn't even call for help it was so humid. "It actually worked?" Upon hearing the voice, I ceased my pounding. Was someone here to rescue me? Oh thank goodness. "Wait, what do you it by, 'it worked'?" another voice inquired, sounding rather irritated. "You said it was going to. Were you just leading us all on with false hope?" "W-well... er... that is... what's it matter now?" the first voice stuttered quickly, sounding very nervous. "After all, it worked, didn't it?" "Well, yeah," said the second, "but you make it seem as if you weren't sure it would." "Well, there was no real guarantee," stated the first. Man, she was bad at this. Yes, she. I'm pretty sure it was a female voice. "Girl" ---confirmed--- "if I weren't so happy right now, I'd slap you across the room." "G-get ahold of yourself, after all... I-it worked, didn't it?" Okay, this was nice and all, but, seriously, I need to get out of this thing, right now. I banged harder, like a panicked animal. Hopefully they would get a clue. "Uh... Twilight? Do ya think we should let it out?" Twilight? Why did that sound so familiar. Something-something sparkles. Oh no. I did not get kidnapped by a bunch of gay vampire fanatics, did I? That was the third time this year. I really got to see about moving to another state. This was getting to be too much. With that thought in mind I mustered all of my strength and threw my knees and fists into the barrier. CRACK!!! Unfortunately, those were my bones. Well, humid or not, I finally managed to make some noise. I guess they finally got a clue and pried away the lid to my prison. Light flooded into the would-be tomb and I sat up like a lightning bolt. A lightning bolt? I really need to be more creative. Anyway, I blinked away the fuzzies from my eyes and looked about. Technicolor horses. A lot of them. Female. How do I know they were female? Because I watched the bloody show. Duh. This was not happening. Nope. Nuh-uh. I was not a Brony. I just watched the show every now and again. Thus why it took me so long to connect the dots with Twilight. So I had been kidnapped by a bunch of costumed freaks this time. Why does this keep happening? At least it's better than that time I was kidnapped by that band of furries. I will not describe what transpired. I'll leave that to whatever little imagination television has left you with. What was I supposed to do now? They appeared to be waiting for something. My vision was still a little blurry, so I couldn't quite make out their expressions. But, the room had gone eerily quiet. "Eeeee, no. Do-over, do-over. Put it back. Try again." I was suddenly assaulted by a small beast wielding a frying pan. Screaming at the top of her lungs. Was this some bizarre demonic sacrificial ritual? Eh. I'll give it a four. It was nowhere near as creative as when that clown cult tried to beat me with helium balloons. Still never found out what they were smoking. Anyway. For some reason, the frying pan wasn't doing that much damage to me. Which I didn't complain about as I wrestled it from the monster's grasp as some unseen force yanked her away from me. I did my best to stand up. Wow. I was so freakin' heavy. What was going on. "That's quite enough, young lady," I warned her, waggling the pan in her general direction. Oh, that's why I feel so heavy. I'm apparently covered head-to-toe in medieval plate armor. Also explains the vision, stupid grimy helmet. Now, that just leaves the question of what I was doing before these equine-obsessed basement dwellers kidnapped me. Oh, that's right. The local renaissance fair. Great, I've probably missed the reenactment of Agincourt. Damn these ponies. This had better be worth it. King Henry needed me. Funny. I remember this armor being made of foam and laminated paper. There is no way I could have afforded this without blowing through my motorcycle fund. The stupid latch on the side of the helmet was giving me a lot of trouble. That and it was uncomfortably hot in the general vicinity. The reason why was quickly apparent. Beneath the stone prison I had been encased in was a pool of lava. Holy crap! What were they trying to do? Baste me in my own sweat? With an incredibly undignified and girly scream, I leapt for my life across the chasm towards the ledge. I fell short. To say the least. Armor dragged me down quite a bit. Thankfully, someone caught my hand. "Urgh, so heavy," the raspy female voice complained aloud. "Can't I just let him burn to death?" "Rainbow Dash. He may be one of them, but that's no reason to kill him." "Sure it is, Twilight. Save us the trouble of doing it later anyway." "We are not going to kill him. He's our only hope." "So you say, Purple Smart. Well, he'd better deliver." I felt more people reach out to pull me up over the ledge and to the safety of solid ground. Relatively so, as I was not so deaf as to miss hearing them talk about killing me. Still, best be polite to my rescuers. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou," I cried, literally, as I hugged my rescuer's neck. Wow, that was some really realistic fur she had for her costume. Would they go so far as to use horse fur for a pony costume? Why not? They could afford the lava pool. She tensed as I blubbered incoherently into her fur. This lasted a for a while until she reached out and hugged me back. Must of done something right. "There-there, kid," she sighed regretfully. "I'm sorry I considered killing you." Blunt apology. I was so not going to piss this one off. "Ah, see there, Dash?" one of the others cooed, "I knew that you had strong maternal instincts." "Sh-shut up," the one personifying Dash snapped back. She patted my back gently. "I didn't get a good look before. How was I supposed to know he was just a kid." Hey. I was nineteen. Hardly a kid. "Well, just be sure Scootaloo doesn't get too jealous," the other snickered. Rainbow Dash just snort in irritation. "It's just until he calms down," the colorful one muttered, patting my back again. Good grief, now it was beginning to feel awkward. With one last shudder, I pushed myself away and did my best to scowl and look serious. "Alright, enough of this. What's going on? Why was I suspended over a pit of lava? I could have died. Check that, would have died." An orange one, Applejack I shall assume, pointed back towards the pool. "Ya'll could 'ave just used the bridge." I looked back at the pit. Sure enough, there was a bridge stretching towards the center of the pit wear the stone box lay. It was wide enough to let a car pass over it and it even had railing set up. Heck, there was even a safety harness dangling just a few feet from the box, along with a pair a ponies standing by to assist me into it. One of them was holding the little beast whom I assumed had attacked me. Wow, they were really safety conscious here. Other than the frying pan. Well, there goes my ego. "Well, you could have pointed that out sooner," I groused. "Sorry, just a little in shock at what we managed to summon," one dressed as Twilight grinned nervously. I blinked. Damn. Those were great costumes. Complete with automated facial expressions and dilating pupils. Must have cost a fortune. Not to mention the mouths moved in time with how they were speaking. It must have cost a fortune. Though, it must be uncomfortable being down on all fours like they all were. Okay, this moment of sudden realization is taking too long. Yadda-yadda-yadda I dropped like a rock because I couldn't handle the fact that they were really real. okay... NNNEEEXXXT TIME ON A YOUNG KNIGHTS AGONY: It's already uploaded, go read it and find out for yourself.
Some Explaining is DoneApparently the ritual also ensures I cannot shirk my duties and run away. I hardly got ten feet before crippling pain ran through my body and I collapsed onto the stone floor, screaming. Rainbow Dash was the first by my side, cradling my head in her hooves as I twitched and flailed as if in a seizure. There has to be a deeper reason for her acting this way than just being motherly. Motherly? That was so not in the show. Not that I watched it that often. You can just tell the patterns. And this just didn't fit. "Post-post script," Twilight read from a book about ritual rules. "The chosen hero cannot shirk his mission. Any attempt that he makes to shirk his mission will be met with crippling pain. If he manages to resist the crippling pain, his brain will leak from his ears until he is dead." "You couldn't have told me this sooner?" I shouted, instantly regretting it as my headache grew worse. The skittles mare stroked my head softly. I'd complain if it didn't feel so good. I have to ask. "Alright, what's wrong with this mare?" I demanded, jerking a thumb in her general direction. "This is so OOC it's almost painful." "That's her story to tell," Applejack replied with a huff as she sorted through my discarded armor, looking for something. "Why don't you ask her?" "Okay, fair enough," I coughed, managing to recover enough to sit back up. Boy, the mares did not look too happy at my attempts to get away. I really hoped there was another post script they kept them from killing me. Back to the matter at hand. "Okay, Skittles, what's your story?" She blinked and looked away. "I... it's... well you see... I once..." "C'mon, spit out already," I moaned. I hate when people pause in their sentences. Unless your the secret lovechild of William Shatner and Jeff Goldblum you have no excuse. She looked at me for a long moment and then deflated, ears drooping to the point I almost felt bad. "You don't even know why you're here in the first place... do you?" I shook my head. "Is it really that obvious? Gee, I thought for sure I was being so clever." "Hey, you be nice, fella," Applejack scolded me from where she stood a distance away. I rolled my eyes. "Twilight," Rainbow Dash shouted. Augh, my head. "Get over here an explain to this kid what he's here for." "Quietly, please," I groaned pitifully. "Very... very quietly." Twilight walked up and glared down at me. "Learned your lesson yet?" I nodded. "Yeah-yeah. Do as I'm told or die." "Not exactly how I would word it, but I'll take it," she whispered with a shrug. I was grateful. "Well... let's go with the history lesson first." "No," I cried, not caring about the headache all of a sudden. "A thousand time no. I do not want to hear some stupid lecture about how things got this way. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point." Her glare intensified, but she indulged me nonetheless. "Very well. The Crucible is too out of control, and Equestria is in ruin, and your the lucky lottery winner who we hope saves our sorry plots." We blink at each other for a long while. "Okay, maybe a little history lesson," I conceded with a grimace. "Mm-hmm, I thought you might," she rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Long ago, a human appeared, dressed as a being from a cartoon he loved. With it he also held the power of this being. He was the first Displaced. He took up the mantle of a hero with the name Yosemite Sam..." Brain.exe is not working. What? Yosemite Sam? Hero? Him? "...and with his magic pistols and near invulnerability, he became the guardian of the western border of Equestria," she went on. With a straight face, I might add. How could anyone take that seriously? Where would you even get a Yosemite Sam costume? "After him came the others. Hundreds of humans bearing unbelievable powers and hearts longing for adventure." Okay, this is sounding like some kind of silly fanfiction now. Would that be considered breaking the fourth wall? They say that's a very fragile part of your psyche. Shouldn't throw rocks. "With their appearance, Equestria became a symbol of power and progress for the whole world," inventions and concepts we had never even dreamed of seemed to just spring up out of the rocks, we were even on the verge of our very first space program." Goodness, she looked like she was about to orgasm. Easy girl. Hold your horses. Pun totally intended. What I was hearing, so far, was nothing bad. "Then, one day," she continued, growing less excited, her tone lowering, "a few of the displaced became discontent with the lack of excitement." And there it was. "At first we thought is was a just a standard outbreak of monsters and villains," she explained with her hoff gestures again. "Mad scientists, wizards with world-domination complexes, and devil-spawn from the fiery underworld seeking to cover the world in utter darkness... you know, the usual. But then we started noticing patterns." "Let me guess," I interrupted her, "these displaced were causing the outbreaks to get into the spotlight again right?" "We thought so too at first, yes," Twilight nodded. "Which would have been forgivable, considering the amount of times they had actually saved us before. But, that was not their intention. They were not using these outbreaks as diversions from the mundane, but as distractions. Keeping themselves in the spotlight to hide what they were working on in the shadows." Interesting way to plot evil schemes. I thought so at least. Then again, I've never been that clever a guy. "And what was their plan?" I tried to hurry her along. She seemed to get the idea. "To trap every single displaced inside a vessel and leave Equestria without these powerful defenders of peace." "Wow... that's a little dark," I muttered. "What kind of vessel? A vase? Cardboard box? A safe?" "A used tissue box," she answered. "By used do you mean...?" "Yes, and more," she cut me off quickly, nodding curtly. "That's just ill," I shuddered. "Would never think to look there." "Neither did we," Twilight sighed sadly. "Until it was too late. Their displaced-catching spell worked well. Too well. The Perpetrators found themselves victim to their own devices." "So you caught them?" "Nope, we only know most of this due to notes found in their secret lair," she explained with a wave of her hoof. "As it turns out, tissue boxes are not great for containing a spell's integrity. Much less used tissue boxes. By the time we found the vessel, it had decayed into an abomination of a spell that would have made H. P. Lovecraft seem sane. When we attempted to release the displaced... well... something else came out." "Cthulhu, perhaps?" I suggested an appropriate name. "Oh how I wish." That does not sound good. "Best way to describe it? Uh... a giant... a mass of writhing... it can move... er... it, um, well... pinkish..." "It's a giant blob made up of all the displaced, wieldin' all of their powers and corrupted to the core," Applejack said in place of Twilight's more jumbled description. "It's about the size of Canterlot, can move with amazin' speed, and is actually very intelligent. Thus the reason we're all hidin' in an abandoned temple in the Equestrian wastes." "And you expect me to help you take care of it?" I asked redundantly. "Don't see as we have any other options," she shrugged. "Can you stop scaring him, already? He's about ready to pass out." Why is it Rainbow Dash is the only one showing concern about my personal being? And why does she keep on avoiding answering my question? Also, she was right. I did pass out. It was really hot in there.
