Author's Note
This is the dumbest thing I've ever written. XD
So, I have a really wonky way of editing. I re-read my stories over and over again, but only seem to catch errors after I'm SURE they're all gone. So that's why I say it's unedited because I always miss something. I was in a REALLY silly mood and was aching to stretch my comedy muscles a bit.
Trust me: This is the dumbest thing I've ever written. 
Suspend your sense of disbelief and enjoy.
A filly's guide to sex
Like usual, the schoolhouse was awash in fervent conversation. Today's particular classroom project, however, lent itself to more that the average buzz of activity that surrounded the grounds. Miss Cherilee had broken the classroom into groups, so they could have a frank and open discussion with each other. The topic: Sex. She grinned at herself, perking her ears at the juicy little tidbits she heard from the multiple tables. Letting the children discuss what they thought sex was, and then giving them the cold hard facts was an absolute stroke of genius if she were to toot her own horn. This was a good way to separate rumors and superstition from the truth and would teach the children exceedingly valuable lessons in the process. She hoped.
Quietly, she let her ears perk, zeroing in on the closest group of students discussing the topic. Snips, Snails, Diamond Tiara, Rumble, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Silver Spoon, and Apple Bloom sheepishly discussed what they 'knew' about sex. She had to stuff an eraser into her mouth to keep from giggling.
"So... sex," Rumble sputtered nervously, glancing around the table. There were embarrassed mumbles all around and plenty of rosy, blushing cheeks. Silver Spoon was suddenly particularly interested in reading the back of her notebook and Diamond Tiara had dropped her pencil on the floor. She quickly ducked under the table.
"Why did miss Cheerilee have us do this? I don't know anything about sex, isn't that what she's supposed to be teaching us?" Scootaloo whined. There were nods all around.
"Well, she said this discussion is just to, um, test our knowledge." Sweetie belle explained sheepishly. She was the one blushing the hardest of all. Apple Bloom, however, looked entirely confident and leaned across the table.
"I learned all about it from Apple Jack. Sex is...W-Well...all ya gotta do is...um..." She struggled to find the right words while she made poking motions with her hooves. "It's kinda like baking! B-Basically, two apples git together and they make a pie. Apple Jack said I was the sweetest pie ever made." Apple Bloom mumbled. Scootalo frowned.
"So we're supposed to have sex with pies now? This is more complicated than I thought. " She sighed shaking her head. Rumble, however, thought that idea would make for a great comedy. (He was wrong). Sweetie tapped her chin thoughtfully before she shook her head.
"No, that doesn't make any sense. I've never seen Rarity do anything weird to a pie. In fact, I've never asked Rarity, but I think she knows something about it. I think it's like a special dance, where you have to get dressed up. Once I found this leather black thing in Rarity's closet with holes and zippers all over it. I think she was working a new outfit or something!" Sweetie Belle explained. There were more nods all around, but Diamond Tiara crossed her forelegs and gave an arrogant snort.
"Duh, obviously, it's a store. Daddy says I'll end up working there when I'm older. I'll be a natural at the trade!" Diamond announced smugly. Snips tilted his head and glanced at Snails curiously.
"A store? What do you buy from there?" Snails asked, curiosity quite piqued. A store was something he could wrap his head around, yeah, that made sense! Wait, no it didn't, why hadn't he ever seen this store in ponyville?
"Babies, duh. Where else do you think they come from?" Silver Spoon snipped, to an enthusiastic nod from Diamond Tiara.
"Do you think we could get a refund for Apple Bloom?" She asked, and the table burst into sheepish snickers.
"Naw, I don't think it's a store. I asked Rainbow Dash about it once. She didn't say anything about shopping but she did say something about Gryphons and spent the afternoon sobbing on the floor. " Said Scootaloo.
"Sooooo, then what's a dongus?" Snails asked Diamond curiously. She rolled her eyes. Ugh, the dumbest questions from the dumbest ponies. Sometimes it was hard being around idiots all the time.
"Ok, first of all, it's pronounced "dingus,' and secondly, it's like a bell, you know, ding-ding-ding? It rings when you go into the shop." Diamond Tiara explained as-a-matter-of-fact. Rumble slowly raised an eyebrow. Diamond did seem to know all the answers, and some of them made sense.
"Well what's a nut? I heard Thunder talking about one in his room. He was with his friends, and I overheard him say he'd love to bust a nut in Fluttershy's butt." Rumble stammered. A sound came from the desk in the middle of the room, where Miss Cheerilee seemed to be choking on her coffee.
"Ewwww! Are you saying Fluttershy can crack walnuts with her butt?" Scootaloo asked. There were shrugs all around. Nobody knew.
"So, wait, do I have to learn how to crack walnuts with my butt? That seems hard. Have you ever done it before?" Sweetie asked quietly and watched a full bloom of bright red spread across her cheeks.
"Uh, yeah. I've been busting nuts since I was eight, I'm an expert!" Diamond said haughtily, and Sweetie sagely nodded her head. Apple Bloom, however, did not seem convinced. She peered at Diamond's face, searching for clues to her dishonesty.
"I'm not sayin' yer a liar, Diamond, but I'm gonna call bull on that one... so yeah, I guess I'm callin' you a liar," Apple Bloom growled flatly. Diamond giggled and pointed at Apple Bloom.
"This from the girl who thinks you can make a pie from sex." Diamond giggled. Apple Bloom blushed wildly, but Rumble looked utterly horrified. He'd had pie for desert last night!! What if...
"MISS CHEERILEE CAN I GET PREGNANT FROM EATING PIE?!" He screamed suddenly, wildly waving his hoof to get her attention. It took every last ounce of willpower Cheerilee possessed to not burst into giggles. She was afraid if she started laughing she'd never stop.
"There will be time for questions later. Don't worry, Rumble, you cannot get pregnant from a pie." She cooed, hoping Rumble wouldn't start to hyperventilate. She sighed when the colt started breathing into his lunch bag.
"What about cake?!" Featherweight shouted. The rest of the children were starting to turn towards her too. Rumble was getting his questions answered! Pipsqueak's hoof shot up from the back of the class.
"How many vaginas do I have?" he called out. Miss Cheerilee slowly shook her head.
"No, sweetie you don't have-" she began but found herself cut off by Button Mash's voice.
"My mom says if I menstruate, I'll go blind! Is that true?! Can you menstruate without going blind?!" he asked curiously. Miss Cheerilee shook her head, again, and held up her hooves for silence, but now the questions were coming at her like bullets.
"When do I get my first boner?!" asked Twist.
"Do Skittles count as birth control?" asked Silver Spoon.
"How do I find the clitoris? Is there a map?" asked Scootaloo.
"When do I get my virginity?" asked SweetieBelle.
"How often can you have sex before it kills you?" asked Button Mash.
"Is there some sort of 'Sex-flavored-pie'? What was Applejack talkin' about?" asked Apple Bloom.
"What would happen if I had sex with a fence post?" asked Pipsqueak.
"Can you snort semen like blow?" asked Dinky Doo.
"I've got some quarters from the arcade, how much does sex cost?" asked Button Mash.
"How much money can I make from sex?" asked Diamond Tiara.
"AM I GOING TO HAVE A BABY?! SOMEBODY HELP!!" screamed Rumble.
Miss Cheerile stared at her class. She stared at her class for almost a minute, before she giggled nervously. She was not prepared for this. No, this was something she couldn't have anticipated. She had expected them to ask questions, just not these questions. Slowly, she realized she'd need to do a lot more work. She needed to rethink her plan. Time for a break.
"... You know what? It's time for recess!" She announced. The children were not deterred.
"How many penises can you have?"
"So, seriously, do I have a dingus or a dongus?!"
"What happens if I have too many vaginas?"
"If you pee on someone will they get pregnant?"
"Whats a 'threesome?"
"How long is 'it' supposed to get?"
"Whats a 'hot pink grease canal'?"
"What happens if you break your penis? Do you have to get another one from the store?"
"Where is the sex store? Is there one in Ponyville?"
"Do animals have their own special sex store?"
"How much can I buy a penis for?"
"Can I switch out my dingus for a dongus?"
"Can you borrow someone else's penis?"
"Can you trade sexes with other ponies?"
"Whats a 'Cunt Buster? Thunderlane tells his friends he has one."
"What if you eat a pie during sex?"
Miss Cheerilee's mouth dropped open. She had begged and pleaded with the school board to let her add "Sex Ed" to her curriculum. Very important to learn, she had thought. Now she realized how badly it was needed. She offered the class a warm, reassuring smile as the children waited patiently. She took a deep breath. In and out. You're a teacher. This is what you do. You teach. Teach them! She told herself and pointed at the classroom.
"Alright, alright one at a time! Apple Bloom?" she asked, glancing towards the filly holding her hoof in the air. Apple Bloom smiled gently and nodded her head and cleared her throat.
"Did you have sex with Big Mac?" she asked innocently. Miss Cheerile stared. The children stared back.
"I...AHEM...Yo-your brother and I...uh...we're...it's a private matter." she finally offered with a frustrated groan. Apple Bloom didn't seem convinced and slowly raised her hoof again.
"Yeah? Well what abou-" she asked, but was cut off by Rumble in the back of the room.
"I'M HAVING A BABY!!" he screamed. Miss Cheerile faced palmed so hard her nose hurt.
"No, Rumble, you're not having a baby." she sighed, thankful to have a different topic of conversation. Regardless of how ludicris it was.
"YES I AM!! I ATE THE PIE! I ATE THE PIE!" he sobbed inconsolably. Next to him Featherweight screamed and reached under his desk to grab his lunch box. Mother had packed pie for dessert!! He hurled it as hard as he could out the window in absolute horror. The other students followed suit, fearfully pitching their lunches across the room, and as far away from them as possible. If pie could get you pregnant, what about other foods?! Silver spoon looked especially upset, looking herself over on all sides.
"I ate broccoli last night!! WILL I GROW A PENIS?!" she screamed in alarm, making sure to check her arms and legs and backside for any secretive penis that was growing on her. Twist took the attention from her by standing up in her seat, wildly waving both hooves.
"N-no, Silver Spoon. There isn't any scientific evidence that correlates growing a penis from bro-" Miss Cheerilee began but Twist's horrified squealing cut her off mid sentence.
"I TOUCHED RUMBLE!! AM I PREGNANT TOO?!" she screamed. Button Mash gasped from the side of the class and began prancing back and forth in a hopeless panic.
"I touched Twist!! I touched Twist! I'm too young to have a baby!!" he sobbed quietly. Miss Cheerile stared in awe at her class and slowly her gaze drifted over to Scootaloo, who seemed somewhat calmer than the rest of her shrieking classmates. Before she could call on her, though, Scootaloo asked her question.
"If I get pregnant, does that mean I have to learn to crack walnuts with my butt?" asked Scootaloo. The entire classroom was screaming, foals were hurling food across the room, hitting other ponies, Rumble was rocking back and forth under his desk mumbling to himself. Some foals sobbed while others panicked and ran in circles, wondering how they'll support a family. Cheerilee sat down at her desk and put her head in her hooves. She could do this. She was a teacher. This was her job! She was expected to teach, and teach she would! Regardless of the subject matter or how difficult things were going to get. She was the guiding light to ponyville's youth! She steeled herself and nodded her head. She would deal with each foal, one at a time. Calm their fears, teach them what they needed to know. She forced a shaky smile. Yes, she could do this!
****************************
"Goodness! Hello Sweetie Belle, you're home early. "Rarity said meeting her sister at the door as she walked in and dropped off her book bag.
"Well, everyone got pregnant from a food fight, and Silver Spoon ate some broccoli so she grew a penis and Miss Cheerilee told us all to go home so she could cry in peace. I hope she feels better soon. She said it was another night for her and Jack Daniels. I don't know who that is, but Miss Cheerilee seems to like him a lot. Anyway, I need to test something Apple Bloom told me, do we have any pie?"
