Would It Matter If I Wasn't?
“I'm sorry?” Fluttershy stared across the living room. Her lips were shut thinly, and her wings were folded against her back. Twilight stared back without answering, and Fluttershy’s eyebrow rose. “I'm not sure I understand...”
“Would it matter?” Twilight repeated, setting aside one of the larger bags of feed. Her voice was calm, but not stable, and she held Fluttershy’s stare across the short gap between them. She’d been helping Fluttershy organize her animal friend's lunches, and had several dishes in her magical grip. “If I wasn't...”
“Would it matter if you weren't traumatized by the wedding?” Fluttershy repeated, cautiously. Her puzzled expression turned contemplative, and her tail flicked. “That’s what you're asking me?” Twilight nodded. “Okay, well then... I think so. The changelings just tried to invade Canterlot and mind controlled your brother, so I’d have to say it would matter.”
“Changelings just tried to invade Canterlot, but only one mind controlled my brother,” Twilight stated. Her voice was firm but polite, as if correcting a misunderstanding. "And tricked my friends into abandoning me, almost causing me to kill my favorite foal-sitter." She turned back to the shelf in front of her, and resumed filling up dishes.
“I am sorry about that....” Fluttershy continued to stare at Twilight, now at her back. Twilight filled up a dish, and considered its label. There was plenty of work to be done, keeping all of Fluttershy's animal friends fed. They still hadn’t left the cottage. Twilight was filling dishes, and Fluttershy was checking on her injured animal friends, with Angel Bunny almost helping out.
“It's not you being sorry that's bugging me!” Twilight slammed the dishes down, spinning around to face the pegasus. “I mean, that sort of thing should have me in weeks of therapy, right? But if I just shrug it off, like it didn't even bother me... would that be weird, in any way?” One eyelid twitched very briefly.
“I don't know if you realized this,” Fluttershy gently said, "but... you are weird."
“Well, not clinically. I don't think so anyway...” Twilight glanced at the food bowl in her grip, pulling out the appropriate bag of feed. “And don’t change the subject. What I am is not what I'm talking about, I'm asking if it matters!”
"It's all rather contextual, really." Fluttershy gently put one of her mouse friends down, giving Twilight a look. "I mean, as a friend I don't think it would matter. It would be strange, yes, but I'd still see you as my friend. From a clinical standpoint, though, such behaviors are considered to be unhealthy, and I would worry about you if you were operating outside the norm in this regard. It's not like being pro, ah, mental oddity means I'm automatically against mental treatment. Twilight, what's this about?"
"About? This isn't about anything!" Twilight laughed brightly, her right ear flopping back for a brief moment. "This is just me, having a bit of a philosophical conversation with my good friend, the bearer of the element of Kindness, who might be able to tell me whether or not I should be in a certain mindset or if it would matter to society as a whole and/or my own social circle in particular. Who says that everything I say has to have some sort of point behind it?" She giggled, her eyes twitching.
After a moment, she stopped, taking a deep breath and letting it out. "Okay. Okay, but seriously. What you're saying is, our friendship would remain unchanged, but you'd want me to get treatment. That seems like it makes sense. I can understand the whole point you make. But what if, for the sake of the argument, I legitimately didn't need treatment?"
Fluttershy opened her mouth, paused, and examined Twilight carefully. The unicorn's mane, usually well groomed, had a few loose strands curling up here and there, and the bags under her eyes were dark and heavy. “You’re serious,” she finally said, completely astonished.
"Of course I'm serious!" Twilight all but shouted. "Why would I bring this up if I wasn't serious about it?! I mean, this is a serious sort of question--" She caught herself, taking another deep breath.
"O...kay... Well, like I said, it would be somewhat strange, but you know you'd still be my good friend, Twilight."
"It's just that such detachment is symptomatic of a deeper issue," Twilight continued as she set aside yet another filled food bowl, "which could make me dangerous to be around."
"Well, I do have quite a few carnivorous animal friends, so I think I can tell when--"
“And when I think about it, I actually am pretty dangerous to be around!"
"Twilight, are you even listening to what I say?"
"I mean, when I first came to town Nightmare Moon appeared. And ever since then, let's be honest! The dragon, the Ursa Major, the parasprites..." With each example, Twilight set aside another food dish.
Fluttershy sighed, absently running her feathers through her mane. "You've been reading through the library's psychological textbooks again, haven't you? You know what Nurse Redheart told you about self diagnosis, Twilight--"
"A whole litany of minor catastrophes have hit Ponyville since I arrived," the unicorn continued obliviously. "And that's not even counting the times that the world hung in the balance! I mean, when Nightmare Moon appeared, I was genuinely terrified, you know? But with Discord, well, I was still somewhat scared but it wasn't nearly as frightening--I actually thought he was kind of ridiculous. And now with the changelings I'm getting this 'ho-hum, oh was that another threat to ponykind as we know it? I wish I could have been more useful.'"
At this point, Fluttershy decided not to say anything. It was quite apparent that while Twilight needed to speak to somepony, she wasn't speaking with anypony. Yet.
"But that's just it, Fluttershy. For ordinary ponies, that should be something that frightens them completely. An invading army, right in the capital, that managed to neutralize the guard captain and one-on-oned Celestia herself? And since I was so personally involved with the situation, I should be a complete mess! But here I am, casually filling food bowls for animals, not even worried if Shining Armor was traumatized by the situation--or Cadance either!"
"Why does this bother you?" Fluttershy inquired, so Twilight could keep sorting out her thoughts.
Twilight took a breath, and then turned her head to look Fluttershy in the eyes. “Maybe, with all the adventures we've been on, I've become desensitized to danger. Maybe, on a subconscious level, I seek out and cause these situations."
“What!?” Fluttershy took a sharp step back. “How could you say such a thing, Twilight Sparkle?! You're a hero of Equestria!”
Twilight took a step forward. "Think about it Fluttershy. I sought out Nightmare Moon. I caused the Smarty Pants incident. The time travel thing, that was all my fault!" She began pacing around the room. "Great heroes require great dangers. Most of them have the patience to wait until danger comes!"
"But not little old Twilight, oh ho ho no." Twilight grinned broadly. "I was so ready to declare Cadance evil--not just a jerk, but out and out evil. What does that say about me, that I see villains everywhere? I mean, sure, I was right, but not at all for the reasons I thought I was. So while everyone else was completely torn apart by the changelings, I was just thinking 'how do I solve this problem?' I didn't care that I almost alienated my friends earlier, not until the situation was over."
The unicorn turned to Fluttershy with a broad grin, her eyes twitching every so often. "Don't you see Fluttershy? On an emotional level, none of that mattered to me because I was solving a problem. I just didn't care at all!"
Fluttershy kept herself from rolling her eyes. "...Twilight, being focused on one aspect of a situation does not mean you don't care. You just... expressed your care differently."
"Yes! Exactly! I'm applying my formerly minor OCD tendencies to situations that require a fare different treatment!" Twilight clapped her hooves together as another few strands of her mane sprung from their carefully organized positions. "Ergo, my psychological stance on the events of the wedding is sufficiently abnormal to the point where I do not require the careful treatment that such events would require in the case of normal ponies. While friends are definitely supposed to accept the relative differences of each other, there does seem to be a level beyond which acceptance is not feasible, usually as a result of insanity." She flicked her tail as she started placing food dishes in front of Fluttershy's animals. "That border seems to be defined so vaguely,I cannot tell if I have crossed it!"
“Why should I care?” Fluttershy inquired.
“Oh, gee. Why would you care that I might be one decision away from killing you all?” She giggled, running her hooves through her mane. “You’re right. That is absolutely a crazy thing for you to care about!”
"Twilight, did you convince yourself you're a sociopath again? You know that the ponies at the hospital said you're not. You're a mostly healthy individual with some--"
"I could have faked that test!" Twilight cried, falling to the ground. "I could fake all the tests!"
Fluttershy took several long breaths. She looked at Twilight, who was busily stroking her own tail. She sighed. “Alright. Let's think about this logically. First, you're a very logic-driven mare, right?”
Twilight took a breath, thought about it, and nodded. "Yes, that's right..."
"Now, logically, the only reason you would have to associate with us is as fellow bearers of the Elements of Harmony," Fluttershy continued. "Granted, since they do seem to run on friendship, you would at the least have to appear friendly."
“It could all be faked,” Twilight agreed, shying away and shutting her eyes.
"What about... Scootaloo? What do you think of her?"
"What about Scootaloo? I don't--!"
"You have no logical obligation toward Scootaloo," Fluttershy explained gently. "So how you treat her could easily be considered an example of how you treat ponies in general. Just tell me, Twilight; what do you think of her?"
"She's... well, a filly, sometimes annoying, but she has a good heart."
"From that statement I can derive that you first of all consider 'a filly' to be a category of pony, and by implication that category is not something you dislike. Furthermore, while you consider her 'sometimes annoying,' you also admit Scootaloo has a good heart, which is a phrase that indicates a serious approval of personality and morality, which outweighs your annoyance."
Fluttershy lifted Twilight's chin and smiled gently.
"But more importantly, I've seen how you act around the crusaders, and other ponies. Your emotions toward them show you care about them like a normal pony would. And your actions are consistent with how you treat us as your friends. You never deliberately set out to hurt ponies, and you certainly don't think of them as things. Okay, Twilight?"
After a moment, Twilight let out a shuddering sigh. "I guess.... I guess you're right. Just because I don't... treat danger the same way as others, just because I don't worry about ponies when I'm focused on saving the world, it doesn't mean that I have a fundamental lack of emotional concern and connection to my fellow pony kind." She let out a slow breath, standing up and awkwardly brushing a hoof through her mane. "...Fluttershy--"
"It's all fine," the pegasus reassured her. "Sometimes we need to get through this sort of thing by just talking it out, and this was clearly bothering you. So it's all alright, okay?"
"Still... thanks. For helping me."
"Anytime."
"Well... I kind of feel silly now." Twilight stood up, shaking her head.
"Don't be. Self identity is kind of important, especially for ponies. Speaking of which, I, uh..."
"You've secretly always been a changeling?" Twilight asked calmly. "Because that's kind of obvious, everypony knows. We're fine with it."
"Wait, what?! Are you serious?!" Fluttershy jumped back, frightened.
"You surround yourself with loving animals, you have your 'Stare', and we kinda spotted you sneaking away from the anonymous tip box for the royal guard right before the note about how changeling feeding works appeared. So yeah." Twilight shrugged. "Two plus two is four."
"I was giving them a tip about lost kittens!" Fluttershy insisted, glancing around the room. "And I don't know how the stare works! And I just love caring for animals! Twilight, I am not a changeling!"
"Oh, of course not." Twilight gave her an exaggerated wink. "Relax, Fluttershy, your secret is safe with me."
“I…” Fluttershy stammered. “I mean…”
"Well, this was actually very good for me. Thank you again Fluttershy." Twilight patted the pegasus on the shoulder. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some books to read." She trotted out.
