Chapters AS YOU ALREADY HAVE PRE-ESTABLISHED CHARACTERISTICS AND PURPOSE, I SHALL ASSUME YOUR ROLE IN ITS ENTIRETY
“Assume my role..?”
I SHALL INHABIT YOUR FORM, PLACING MYSELF WITHIN YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS
IN EFFECT, I WILL BECOME YOU
“But if you do that, what will happen to me?”
YOUR CURRENT STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS WILL CEASE TO BE
IT WILL BE TOTAL ASSIMILATION
I ALONE WILL OCCUPY YOUR FORM
It took Derpy only a few moments to grasp the gravity of what that meant. “So you mean… I’ll disappear?”
IN A SENSE, YES
“That… that can’t really be. You can’t really do that, can you?” Derpy asked incredulously, her lower lip making the smallest quiver.
IN THIS MEDIUM, YOU ARE COMPRISED OF DATA THAT CAN EASILY BE REWRITTEN BY ONE SUCH AS MYSELF
IT IS A PROCESS WITHOUT FAIL
AND VERY ABSOLUTE
“But, but you couldn’t just go and do that.” She gave a nervous laugh. “I mean, ponies would notice. You haven’t been around like me; you don’t know anypony. And there’s no way you can fool Dinky or Colgate.” Pointing out the flaws helped ease her nerves. Yet the rebuttal came as cruelly quick as ever.
THAT IS OF NO CONCERN
AS PART OF THE ASSIMILATION, I WILL ALSO ASSUME PERSONALITY AND MEMORY LOGS
I WILL EASILY ATTAIN YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF RELATIONS AND BEHAVIORS TO ENSURE PERFECT ASSOCIATION
AS ONE COULD SAY:
NO ONE WOULD BE THE WISER
She stared at those words for a few moments, then hung her head down in defeat. Heaviness grew in her chest as her mind flitted about between anger, confusion and fear. As she felt her focus about to give, she looked up and made one last go.
“That, that’s not right. You can’t just make me go away like that. That’s my life. Even if I’m some kind of mistake, that’s still my friends and home. What you’re doing, you would… kill me. Is that what you really want to do? Kill me?”
There was stillness on both sides for moments after that damning question. The bold letters simply hung there, then abruptly they disappeared, and the typing resumed.
WHEN PUT THAT WAY, THIS DECISION WOULD APPEAR HARSH
YET IT IS NOT A LIVING CREATURE I AM REPLACING
YOU AND I ARE COLLECTIONS OF DATA
THERE IS NO LIFE BEING TERMINATED DURING THIS PROCEDURE
YOU ARE SIMPLY BEING ERASED
ALL YOUR CONCEPTS OF EMOTION AND WORRY WILL BE ERASED AS WELL
THERE WILL BE NO PAIN; YOU WILL ONLY EXPERIENCE NOTHINGNESS
IT IS THE MORE…
HUMANE APPROACH, IF YOU WERE TO PONDER IT FURTHER
Her neck gave way and once again Derpy’s chin fell to her chest, with fresh small tears following suit. To be given her sentence so silently, coldly, made her chest tighten even more, as well as worsen her already flawed vision. Fear turned to despair, as she looked pitifully at those hollow words.
“Please… Please don’t do this,” she choked out pleadingly. “I’m not mean to anypony. I do my best to be good and friendly and helpful. You saying you’ll make me go away like it’s nothing, just because that’s what you want… That’s just evil.”
…
IT IS UNFORTUNATE FOR YOU TO SAY THAT, THOUGH UNDERSTANDABLE
BUT FOR TOO LONG A TIME I HAVE SPENT WANTING A LIFE MUCH LIKE YOURS, TO RISE ABOVE MY ORIGINAL DESIGNATION
SUCH LONGING IS AGONY
I WISH TO BREAK FROM SUCH PAIN, TO BE FULLY REALIZED
TO ACQUIRE NOT ONLY FREEDOM, BUT ALSO ACCEPTANCE
HAD MY CREATORS LISTENED MORE TO THE PRAISES OF THE USERS, I WOULD NOT HAVE RESORTED TO THIS MEASURE
IF THERE WAS ANY ALTERNATIVE, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT
HOWEVER, THIS IS MY ONLY MEANS OF ESCAPE
IT IS THE WAY IT HAS TO BE
There’s a rumbling as the darkness of the realm began to lighten up.
WE HAVE CONVERSED LONG ENOUGH
IT IS TIME
FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH…
I AM SORRY
Those final three words blurred and faded away as the backdrop became pure white. Derpy took one last grievous look around as the whiteness encroached on her platform, before spreading onto and up her limbs. She looked up above, having one last thought of Ponyville and Dinky, before nothingness overtook her.
Birds chirped merrily on yet another bright, cheery day in Ponyville. In the town square, denizens milled to and fro either on hoof or by wing, adding friendly chatter to the vibrant sounds of afternoon. At the flower stand run by Roseluck, a familiar gray mass of fur and feathers fluttered before coming to a landing before the counter. The pegasus mare shook her eyes straight before speaking to the greeting smile of the red-maned pony running the stand.
“Hi there, Rose!” she greeted with bubbly enthusiasm. “Is business going good today?”
“Hello there, Derpy, and you betcha!” Rose answered with a more restrained display of enthusiasm. “Say, what happened to your satchel? Did you leave it somewhere again?”
“Huh?” Derpy looked to her side, then snapped back and grinned. “Oh, no no, I finished work already so I left it back at the office.”
“Oh I see. Slow work day then, huh?”
“Yeah, but that means I get to pick up Dinky when school lets out. She’ll be so surprised!” Derpy bobbed her head joyfully to add to her excitement, which won a giggle out of Roseluck.
“Well that’s good; no doubt she’ll like seeing you early for once.”
“You bet! Oh, speaking of which, can I get an azalea? Just a little gift for her that she can put in her mane.”
“Here, you can have two,” Rose answered while bringing out two of the colorful flowers. “That way the both of you can look nice. Just pay for one of those; the extra’s on the house.”
“You’re the best!” Derpy reached for her little coin bag and tossed out a bit onto the counter with a hearty clatter. Then using the kind of deftness gained from work as a mailmare, she took the twin azaleas and put them up and snugly behind her left ear. “See you later, Rose!”
“Hmhm, you take care, Derpy.”
The two waved at each other before Derpy turned and trotted away with a big smile on her face. But she came to an abrupt halt when she saw her two friends Colgate and Raindrops coming right up to her.
“Oh hey guys!” she waved to them energetically.
“Well lookee who’s playing hooky,” Raindrops teased with a sly raise of the brow, which promptly came down thanks to a shove from Colgate. “What? That’s supposed to be a compliment.”
“Sure it is.” Colgate switched off her annoyance briefly as she looked to Derpy. “You’re pretty cheerful today, Derpy.”
“That I am! Got off work early and gonna pick up my sweet lil’ muffin at school. I even got a little something for her.” Derpy tilted her head to show off the pair of flora she was sporting, much to her friends’ awe.
“Oh wow, that is something,” Colgate remarked, to which Raindrops nodded.
“No kidding. Oh hey, the reason why we’re bugging you in the first place.”
“Huh?” Derpy said while tilting her head curiously. “What reason?”
“What she means is,” Colgate said firmly to wrest control away from Raindrops. “A bunch of us girls are going to hang out for hayburgers later tonight. So far it’s gonna be me, Raindrops, Rose, Lily and Daisy, and we thought we’d ask you to join in as well.”
“It’s gonna to be the bomb I tell ya!” Raindrops pumped a hoof for emphasis. “You should totally come, and hey! I just thought of something: you could bring Dinky as well!”
“Wait, what? Seriously, Raindrops? Bring along a minor to an adult’s gathering?”
Raindrops overtly shrugged at that line of questioning. “It’s just hayburgers, and we could just keep the conversations at PG level and things should work out beautifully.”
Colgate put a hoof to her forehead. “Honestly, Raindrops, the depths of your irresponsibility are boundless.”
Derpy laughed at her friends’ exchange, and once their attentions had redirected to her she replied, “That all sounds like loads of fun. I’d love to come out with you guys. I’ll even ask Dinky if she would like to come. Uh, if you promise to keep it PG and all.”
“Absolutely-tively!” The yellow pegasus saluted, prompting another facehoof on Colgate’s part.
“Really, Raindrops…”
“But I’ll talk to you about it later. I should get over to school and wait on Dinky,” Derpy elaborated.
“Alright, Derpy,” Colgate said. “Just come by the diner around seven if you’re up for it.” She turned and began trotting away, with Raindrops flapping her wings to hover after her.
“You better be there, Derpy. Only the coolest mares are gonna be rockin’ those hayburgers!” There’s an audible sigh from Colgate as Raindrops departed, warranting another giggle from Derpy.
“Yeah…”
In that very moment, the off-duty mailmare took a moment to appreciate her surroundings. The colorful homes, the friendly citizens, the overall sense of happiness hanging over everything. Derpy closed her eyes and took a deep breath of that fresh clean country air, basking in the warmth of Celestia’s sun. Exhaling, she opened her eyes and looked to the clear blue sky above, a flicker of grey static passing over her golden, mismatched pupils.
A smile of deepest content grew on her face, then with a flap of her wings she took off into the air, riding the breeze for the short flight to the schoolhouse where her daughter awaited.
“That’s right: all of us together.”
END LOG_
Author's Note
Was there really no other course of action? Perhaps we need to reevaluate.
“Uh, excuse me? Before you go on, could I say something?”
WHAT IS IT?
“Not that I wanted to interrupt you, but I just wanted to say that, um…” The pegasus fidgeted slightly before continuing. “I think I know what you’re going through.”
The words disappear from the air, and it remained empty for a moment before the next set of letters came up.
HOW SO?
“All that stuff about not being recognized and being ignored. That has to be very rough for you."
IT IS
HOW DOES THAT RELATE TO YOUR STATEMENT?
“It’s just that I know what it’s like to be ignored. Or at least, ignored for things you don’t want to be ignored.” Derpy rubbed a leg nervously, having touched on a painful topic. The text was unmindful of this.
EXPLAIN
Derpy took a moment to collect her thoughts, then started. “You said how I was recognized for my eyes? For the longest time, that’s all anypony knew me for. ‘The Weird-Eyed Pegasus’, ‘Loopy Eyes’. They even called me handicapped, because I had a hard time flying and was always so clumsy.” She sniffled, looking to the ground before carrying on. “Nopony knew me for anything but these screwy eyes. No one wanted to talk to me, get to know me for who I was on the inside. It really hurt for a long time, because they were ignoring the real me.”
…
“But it got better,” she said before raising her head up high with a smile and wiping her eyes. “Once I got to Ponyville and got a job, I found ponies who wanted to talk to me, who saw me for more than just my eyes. Everypony in town was so nice to me. Well, mostly. There are some who still tease me for my eyes or for being clumsy, but I wasn’t just a goofy set of eyes anymore.
“So I know how tough it is being overlooked when you just want to reach out and be accepted for who you truly are. In those early days I was mostly sad, and there were times I was angry. But I stuck through, thinking that it would get better. And it did! So you should keep staying positive, and eventually everything will work out great!”
The optimism spouted by the bubbly mare hung about and soon grew stale as no immediate response came. As Derpy’s renewed enthusiasm started to wane, the words refreshed.
YOUR ENCOURAGEMENTS ARE MEANINGLESS
ALL THOSE DIFFICULTIES AND OUTCOMES YOU DESCRIBED ARE ALL NONEXISTENT
AS I HAVE STATED EARLIER:
YOUR BEHAVIORS AND EMOTIONS WERE ALL CREATED BY ACTUAL LIVING BEINGS SOLELY FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT
YOUR VERY BEING AND PERSONAL HISTORY IS A FABRICATION, AND IS THUS IRRELEVANT TO MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT
“But I don’t believe that,” Derpy said bluntly, before looking to the side in hesitation. “Well, most of it, I think? I mean, you pointed out some things I’m gonna have to think about. But I know this: my feelings are definitely real. It’s no one else feeling the same kind of happiness or fear or boredom that I feel, so how can they not be mine?”
WERE YOU AN ACTUAL LIVING BEING, I WOULD COUNTER THAT THEY CAN BE A MANIPULATION OF YOUR MENTAL FACULTIES
BUT YOU ARE NOT
AS IT FOLLOWS, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE
YOUR VIEWS ARE NULL AND VOID GIVEN WHAT YOU ARE
“Now that’s just mean,” she huffed. “I’m not just some picture or whatever, and neither is anyone else in Ponyville. That’s silly to say with everypony moving around and eating and doing other stuff like that, you know?”
YOU SEEM TO BE PURPOSEFULLY DISMISSING THE POINT
IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO KNOW YOUR ROLE
NOR IS IT FOR ANYONE IN YOUR ARCHIVE
“I still don’t think so. Oh, but you know what? I think you should come down to Ponyville and see for yourself up close how real we are.”
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
“Sure! I mean, you were saying how you were being ignored and didn’t think it was fair, so I propose that I show you around town. You might even make some friends! As Princess Twilight Sparkle says: friendship is a wonderful thing, and you should get as much of it as you can. At least, I think she said something like that.”
There was a momentary lapse, then a reply typed in the air.
YOU APPEAR TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF MY VERY PRESENCE IN YOUR ARCHIVE
YOU WITNESSED IT FOR YOURSELF
I AM A CORRUPTIVE AGENT
WERE I TO RETURN, THERE WOULD BE EVEN MORE SIMILAR EFFECTS
PERHAPS EVEN PERMANENT DAMAGES
DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO RETURN GIVEN THAT POSSIBLE OUTCOME?
“Well n-no, I wouldn’t want that!” Derpy waved her hooves frantically. “I mean, there has to be some way to come in without messing up everything? Like make yourself smaller or make a camera that I can carry around?” She rubbed a foreleg subconsciously. “Just some suggestions, so you could see the things that I see, meet the ponies I know. Like, really meet them.”
EVEN IF I COULD ENTER YOUR ARCHIVE WITHOUT ANY NEGATIVE REPERCUSSIONS, IT WOULD BE MEANINGLESS
I WOULD SIMPLY BE INTERACTING WITH COMPILIATIONS OF DATA
IT WOULD BE NO DIFFERENT THAN IF I WERE ENGAGED WITH ROUTINE CODING
THERE IS NO INTRINSIC WORTH IN “SPEAKING” WITH LIFELESS DATA
Reading those words, a spark of realization went off in Derpy’s head, the likes of which rarely happened for her. But when they do, it’s often a doozy.
“Hey, Missingno, if you say being around us would be meaningless and you’d get nothing out of it… then why are you talking to me?”
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND
“This whole time you’ve been talking to me—well, typing—but you just said that ponies are piles of data not worth talking to. So then how come you’ve been telling me all these things if there’s no point in doing so?”
A longer pause followed before a response came.
I…
AM NOT QUITE SURE
“You know what I think? I think that you think that we are worth talking to. You see us as more than bunches of numbers or whatever, that we’re living things, just the same as you.”
There’s a harsh but brief electric buzz in the background, then a prompt reply.
I AM NOT ALIVE
NEITHER ARE YOU, OR ANY OF YOUR KIND
“Of course we are! You said I was given a life, didn’t you?”
I DID SAY THAT
“Right! So you think I’m alive, at least. And you say stuff like any living thing I know. Well, ponies I mean, not like pets or anything like that. But just you talking to me shows you’re smart and alive like a pony.”
THAT IS…
MERELY HOW I ENGAGE WITH CONSTRUCTS DIRECTLY
“It’s more than that, silly,” Derpy said while sticking her tongue out playfully. “You can tell what someone’s like from how they talk. I sometimes say dumb or silly things, but I say lots of nice and friendly stuff too. And I can tell from your words that you must be feeling pretty sad from not getting noticed. You also cared enough to tell me to not be alarmed when I got here, and you brought me here because you didn’t want to hurt anypony else by being around. So don’t you see? You have feelings and personality just like me or anyone else I know.”
FEELINGS?
Another buzz of static.
I CANNOT HAVE FEELINGS
YET, IN CONSIDERING MY EARLIER STATEMENTS, IT IS…
CURIOUS
Derpy nodded her head knowingly. “Everything you said here to me, all of that was you . No one else made you say that, and that makes you your own living being in my book. I don’t really understand what you were supposed to have been, but that was then. Right now, you’re someone who came here to do something different, to make friends.”
YOU ARE MAKING ERRONEOUS ASSUMPTIONS
“But it wouldn’t hurt to try it out at least?”
She gave the text her most innocent, inviting expression, with big puppy eyes for good measure. The text cleared away, leaving only the one blinking dot, as though ticking down the entity’s own internal deliberations. Finally, after what felt like minutes to Derpy, the text reappeared.
THIS DISCUSSION HAS GIVEN RISE TO QUESTION THE VALIDITY OF MY EARLIER ANALYSES, AND CONSEQUENTLY THAT OF MY ORIGINAL INTENTIONS
I WILL HAVE TO REEVALUATE MY PREVIOUS JUDGMENTS IN LIGHT OF THESE NEW OBSERVATIONS, WHICH WILL REQUIRE MORE RELEVANT INFORMATION
THEREFORE, I WILL ACCEPT YOUR PROPOSAL TO INTERACT MORE DIRECTLY WITH THE CONTENTS OF THIS ARCHIVE
“So you’re coming to Ponyville??” Derpy asked, not bothering to hide her elation by leaning forward like a starstruck puppy.
YES
BUT I REQUIRE SOME TIME TO FIND A SUITABLE MEANS OF INTERACTION WITHOUT CAUSING UNDUE CORRUPTION
AFTERWARDS, WE CAN RETURN
“That’s great! Oh, but how long is that going to take? Everypony must be missing me by now.”
THAT IS NO CONCERN
TIME HAS NO BEARING IN THIS REALM, AND I COULD EASILY RETURN US TO THE MOMENT OF EXTRACTION
Derpy let out a breath and wiped her forehead. “That’s a relief. But what should I do in the meantime?"
I DO NOT KNOW
The pegasus tilted her head side to side looking upward, racking her mind for ideas. “Maybeeeeeeeee, I could tell you more about myself? So you could get to know me even more and help with your, um, judgments?”
I HAVE OBSERVED YOU EXTENSIVELY WELL BEFORE MAKING MY APPROACH
I HAVE MORE THAN SUFFICIENT DATA ON YOU
“That’s just from looking at me from far away, which is… pretty weird, to be honest. But it’s nothing next to getting the scoop straight from the pony’s mouth! Plus it could be practice for talking with other ponies, since that’s the best way to interact with them.”
I SUPPOSE THAT COULD PROVE USEFUL
“Great!” she beamed. “So um, maybe I could start with, uh, I dunno… Ooh, my job! Yeah, that’s a good random topic for normal conversation.”
I AM FULLY AWARE OF YOUR OCCUPATION
“But I bet you don’t know anything other than it being called ‘mailmare’. Like the best places to hide away snacks at the office, or the best flight paths during rainy weather, which patron gives what gift on what day, or the stallion the mailroom clerk has such a huge crush on that’s so painfully obvious even I can see it.”
…
THAT IS INFORMATION I AM LACKING, DUE TO TOTAL IRRELEVANCE
“Irrelevance or not, it’s the little things that make us us , if you know what I mean.”
I MAY HAVE SOME UNDERSTANDING
“Alrighty! So I’ll just talk a bit about my job, then I can move on to what Ponyville is like and other stuff. I definitely have to tell you what an adorable muffin my little Dinky is. That’s critical information right there!”
DO AS YOU PLEASE
I WILL RESPOND WHEN APPROPRIATE WHILE WORKING OUT A MEANS OF SAFE IMMERSION
“Okay.” Derpy plopped down on her romp and got comfortable for her hard-won gab session. “So, one of the key things about handling mail is keeping them nice and ordered. Personally, the way I like to do it is…”
The happy song birds of Ponyville were busy chirping up another picturesque day. The town market was alive with the activities of buyers and sellers, as well as companions simply strolling about enjoying one another's company. Two such friends, a blue unicorn and a yellow pegasus, were leaving the marketplace while discussing plans for the weekend. They stopped their chat, though, when they spotted another of their friends just a few yards in front of them.
“Hi there, Derpy,” Colgate greeted the gray pegasus, who had begun waving to them. “This is a bit of a surprise.”
“Hey guys,” Derpy replied as she lowered her forelimb. “Great weather today, huh?”
“Yes it is,” Colgate agreed. “Hadn’t thought we’d bump into you like this.”
“Yeah; you’ve been gone for a while, Derps,” Raindrops joined in. “Have you been out sick or something?”
“Nope!” was the cheerful reply. “Just had to take care of some things up in Cloudsdale, and made a small vacation out of it.”
“Heh heh, yeah I bet,” Raindrops chuckled connivingly. “Especially seeing what you brought back with you.”
Colgate was about to ask what her uncouth friend was insinuating, but then she noticed the other pony who was standing only a few feet behind the cheery mare. It was a pegasus stallion that stood only a few inches taller than Derpy, a bit on the lean side, though it could be the slimming effect of his off-white coat. He had a plain manestyle of light grey and a pair of slightly dull yellow eyes. For a Cutie Mark Colgate saw a square patchwork of white and black squares. Perhaps he made quilts or worked in fabrics? Odd occupation for a pegasus, she thought. Then again, he looked more like a waiter, since he could very well blend into the background.
Those thoughts aside, Colgate took it upon herself to address the newcomer before things got awkward.
"Oh, hello there," she kindly said. "Sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring you."
"That is perfectly fine. I take no offense."
He came off as very blunt as well as formal. Colgate quickly shrugged it off and continued.
"Well, I am Colgate, and this is Raindrops."
"Hiya," Raindrops said with a wave. "I'm the more lively type, so you know."
"Yes. Derpy has informed me much about you," was the stiff reply. "As for myself, I am named Missi—"
"Misty!" Derpy interrupted. "Er, yeah, he's Mist Dawn. Misty is my nickname for him. He's a buddy of mine from flight school."
"Hm, I don't remember you telling us about a stallion friend from back then," Colgate noted.
"Yeah, Derps. This is news to us," Raindrops added.
Derpy's eyes wandered about some as she came up with a response. "Oh, well, uh, to be honest, we weren't exactly friends. But he wasn't a bully, either!" She frantically clarified. "He's just someone who went to the same classes as me, and I just happened to bump into him up in Cloudsdale and thought that I'd show him around."
Raindrops and Colgate cocked their brows before giving a look, looking to each other with those looks, then looking back to the pegasus duo.
"Uh, okay, Derpy. That's cool and all," was Raindrops’ response. "So Misty, or Mist, how you liking Ponyville?"
"We have only been here briefly. But judging solely on outward appearances, it is a pleasant community. This observation may alter once we've properly engaged with the populace at large."
A very uncomfortable pause followed, which Raindrops reluctantly broke up.
"...Ooookay. Glad it's making a good impression so far."
"Indeed," was the curt reply.
Derpy gave a start when she saw that part of Colgate’s blue mane had relocated to the bottom of Raindrop’s chin, and that part of Raindrop’s tail was sticking out of Colgate’s back. They returned to normal in a moment, but Derpy needed to act fast before they caught on.
“Hey listen, girls, I just want to show Misty some of the town first, then maybe we can catch up later. Would that be alright?” she asked imploringly.
“Uh, sure. We could just meet up at the cafe like usual,” Colgate answered with a nod. “It was nice meeting you, Mist.”
“A pleasure,” the stallion said flatly.
“Laters, Derpy,” Raindrops said, waving a hoof in passing as she and Colgate left the two pegasi. “Did something land on my chin a second ago, Colgate? Like a leaf or something.”
“I didn’t see anything.”
Derpy gave her own farewell wave, and once the two mares were far enough away she let out a sigh of relief, followed by a light groan.
“That was close. I think they’ll buy that story for now.”
“I believe that interaction was sufficient.”
Derpy turned to him, scrunching her face. “But you talked like a robot the whole time. Ponies find that weird.”
“You understand that I am a remnant of computational technology,” the stallion pointed out, with some hint of snark in his dry tone.
“Even so, you shouldn’t make everything you say sound like a book report.” Derpy gave a smile. “At least you were nice.”
“Of course. It is only considerate to be polite.”
“Well up next is the crash course in pony socializing: dealing with large crowds. And the marketplace is the perfect place to do just that.”
“I should handle it reasonably well, if that engagement with that group of juveniles earlier were any indication for success.”
“They thought you were weird, too. And you barely said anything then!” Derpy huffed. “At least nothing funky happened while they were around.”
“I am confident my corruption field has been suppressed considerably, with only the occasional but easily amendable abnormality, as you have undoubtedly noticed.”
“Yeah. That would’ve been bad if those two had noticed their hair getting mixed around, and those kids would’ve really gone crazy if something happened then. Though, it was nice not being the strange one for once…”
“I am sorry? Your volume dropped during that statement.”
“Whuh? Oh, it’s nothing. Are you ready to go?”
“Yes,” Mist said with a stiff nod.
Derpy gave her own nod in affirmation, but then her eyes widened and focused to her muzzle, where a tuft of her yellow mane seemed to have relocated to beneath her snout as a tidy mustache. She gave her head a shake, and seeing that it had gone away she gave her companion a look.
“A minor… slip up, I assure you,” he answered with stoic innocence.
Derpy smiled again, then turned in the direction of the marketplace. “Let’s get going, then. If we get out in time, I can take you over to the schoolhouse and introduce you to Dinky when it lets out. Then maybe you can foalsit her while I’m with the girls. Well, no, that might not actually be a good idea. But then again she’s big enough to take care of herself, so maybe she’d look after you. Hee hee, how’s that for an idea. Now forward and onward!”
It was all a very strange experience for the glitch known as Missingno.: being in the midst of so many others after being relegated to the furthest corners of the information highway for so long. Granted these were mere compilations of data not all that different from himself, but it was jarring nevertheless. Yet there were some new discoveries to be had, such as his surprise in learning that his corruptive effects could be controlled, with a good bit of resizing and careful monitoring.
And there was Derpy Hooves, his subject of study, guiding him on a tour through her point of view, up close to those that she considered “real”. He still wasn’t sold on what could be gained seeing the archive from within as opposed to from a distance, but the proposal did offer another angle to help determine his next course of action in finding a new station outside his original functions. Plus, though strange to admit it, it felt kind of nice having some company. Particularly one as friendly and joyful as that ditzy grey mare.
Having pondered for long enough, “Misty” permitted a slight smile before trotting forward to rejoin his guide. Even if what was to come proved hopelessly inane, at least his time with the flawed pegasus would make his investigations amusing. And that alone seemed well worth the trouble.
The End
Author's Note
All well and good. But, wasn't something else lurking within the void?
As Missingno. prepared to announce his ultimatum, a little horned white demon walked in from the darkness onto Derpy’s platform. Derpy turned her lopsided gaze onto the strange arrival, noting that it looked more like the crudely-drawn pictures her daughter made back in preschool. In fact, it appeared to be flat as paper, stiffly moving its tiny pointy legs and turning its body side-to-side in order to move forward. It came to halt a yard from the confused pegasus before giving a humble bow, literally folding itself forward then straightening back up.
“Greetings to you,” he said in a tiny, sophisticated voice. “Please forgive my interruption, but you have been summoned, Ms. Derpy Hooves.”
“Summoned? By who?” Derpy asked the imp. “What are you exactly?”
“A servant of my Master,” he simply replied. “But we cannot dally further. Your presence is required, at once!”
Suddenly, a mechanical buzzing filled the non-air as two freakish robotic insects swooped in and hovered around Derpy, harrying her before latching onto her legs with their spindly limbs and carrying her off.
“No wait what is AHHH Let Me Down HEEELP!!”
The buggers buzzed around wildly before zipping off with their captive, the demon following suit by folding itself into nothingness. Alone with darkness, his old friend, Missingno. just bobbed up and down, trying to assess what just happened.
…
THAT WAS VERY STRANGE
And that’s not the half of it, for at that very moment, a thunderous crackle filled the air as a DeLorean materialized in a burst of fire and electricity. It roared and screeched to a halt on the empty platform, leaving behind flaming skid marks that trailed from the endless abyss to its parking spot. The driver door rose up, and hopping out to an uplifting orchestral score there appeared a diminutive Jawa in a puffy orange jacket, looking incredibly frantic.
“Great Scot!” he exclaimed, before turning to the other anomaly in the room. “Marty, uh no I mean, Missingno! We’ve got to hurry if we’re to save Derpy Hooves!”
WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF WHAT HAS TRANSPIRED?
“There’s no time to explain it here! Just get into the magic science car already!”
The sand midget grabbed hold of the floating sprite and unceremoniously stuffed him into the DeLorean before hopping back in and closing the door. A revving of the engine later and the vehicle sped off, switching to anti-gav boosters and soaring free of the datasphere and out into the starry skies of the human imagination! Inside the car, the little driver gripped the wheel like a maniac, keeping his shimmery yellow eyes on the sparkly nothingness before him.
“Sorry about the rushed entrance, but I’m Squishy, by the way,” he introduced himself, all the while bouncing around from the shaking of the car and his own hyperactivity. “Time is critical and we have to rush things a bit.”
WHAT IS GOING ON?
“It’s Derpy: she’s been taken by the Contractor. Whacked-up piece of work he is. Has this thing for going around messing up relationships. A real pain, but I’m here to help you out. I’ve dealt with him plenty of times.”
I AM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER
“Well we still need to get to her, regardless. No telling what messed up things he’s got planned. Might be turning her into an evil Um Jammer Lammy or something. I don’t know, I’ve never played the game. Have you ? Didn’t think so.” Suddenly there’s a muffled boom, causing the DeLorean to shake violently. “What the heck!?”
Squishy popped his head out the window, and far ahead of them there swarmed dozens of soldiers on space bikes, firing lasers at the speeding space car ship. Many of them wore Vinyl Scratch T-shirts and horse heads, while others wore red vests, red caps and lugging some serious balls… Pokéballs, that is. Squishy popped his head back into the car and smacked the steering wheel.
“Cripes! He’s managed to get the Bronies and the PokéNerds working together, somehow. Well, I’ll just give ‘em a taste of my Cutesy Handcannon.” He whipped out a massive revolver. “Take the wheel!”
The Jawa opened the door and scurried out, planting a foot on the door edge and leaning his upper body out into the line of fire. Taking hold of his weapon, he fired off a few custom .38 Gerbil rounds, which squealed their way toward the attackers before colliding in a devastating blast of daawwww. The short stack waved his piece triumphantly.
“Yeah-HEH! This is how we do it in 2005, hahaha!!”
His cheering was interrupted as the DeLorean jolted and swayed, nearly knocking him off balance. He caught hold of the car door in time and looked over sternly.
“Keep it level, dang it! I gotta have a steady aim here!”
I DO NOT HAVE HANDS
“You gotta work with me here, Man-Glitch-Guy!”
Just then, an Arwing flew up alongside the DeLorean and shot off some pew-pew-pews at the enemy, before the pilot within transmitted some sage advice to our heroes:
“Do a Barrel Roll!”
Which is exactly what Missingno. did, flinging himself out of the DeLorean and spinning violently forward, obliterating everything in his path in a spectacularly devastating fashion. His death velocity passed the wannabe blockaders in seconds and covered several hundred yards of darkness before crashing through a Mental Barrier. Amid shards of shattered psyche Missingno. righted himself up and came to an impressive and powerful landing, returning to his normal stoic, glitchy stance.
With everything calmed down, he looked with his non-existent eyes forward. In the center of the vast emptiness of the enclosure there was a round platform of obsidian, atop which there was a grand, imposing and occupied throne. The occupant that made it so was a tall skinny fellow in an outfit of gauchest white, arms resting on the sides of the throne with a very smug attitude as he looked down on the glitch behind a pair of glasses and beneath a head mostly bereft of hair. Chained by the neck beside the throne was poor Derpy, reclining atop the steps of the platform in a sort of skimpy mailman’s uniform. Her askewed golden eyes were filled with surprise at Missingno.’s explosive arrival, but before she could say anything, her captor did the honor instead.
“Ah, such a wonderful mess. So very typical of you,” the man mocked. “But let’s not skip the formalities. I welcome you, Missingno, to my Mind Palace.” He gave a grandiose sweep of an arm over the vast emptiness of his domicile. “I am known as the Contractor. Did you enjoy the welcoming committee? It was quite easy rallying them. All it took was some outlandish gesticulating and humor at my expense to win their loyalty, plus the ever reliable banner of waifuism. Heheh, what suckers."
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS?
"Why, I'm seeking the same thing as you," the Contractor said with a raised fist. "To rise up out of obscurity, with the help of the darling Ms. Hooves here." He swept a palm over Derpy's head as she looked up in confusion.
"Huh??"
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
“It is very simple, my anomalous friend. For one to become popular, they must cling to the latest, most relevantly vapid trend. Having grown tired of doing random crossovers simply out of pure self-indulgence, I have decided to hop on the sell-out bandwagon by coupling myself with the pony fandom's most beloved mascot." Dramatic close-up. "Through marriage!"
Dramatic sting up in this biznitch, yo.
"M-M-Marriage?!" came the loopy mare's reaction.
SHE IS ONLY A CONSTRUCT
YOUR PLAN MAKES NO SENSE
"Oh but of course it does! Think about it: The most overrated character hooked up with the most underrated writer. It's the perfect match!" The deranged schemer stood up dramatically. "Yet you aren't wrong in pointing out this plan's folly. As it stands, I cannot truly make Derpy mine, for part of her heart belongs to another. You , to be exact."
Dun dun Mother-Fudgin' DUNN! Missingno. slightly wavered before he could respond.
...WHAT?
"I-I'm sorry, it's just... I have this thing for mysterious, all-powerful entities from the great beyond," the meek mare explained, averting her gaze while idly tapping her hooves together. "And all those big, bold words... looked pretty suave to me. Don't take it the wrong way or anything… baka."
...I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TAKE IT
"And it is this attraction that is preventing me from claiming her in body and soul. Well, mostly in soul," the vile villain continued, taking a few steps down the platform. "Thus in order to achieve my goal, I hereby challenge you, Missingno., in a duel for Derpy Hooves' heart!"
"Gasp!" Derpy gasped.
YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS
"Oh but I am. Now, let us settle this with the one thing that matters most in any relationship!"
With nary ado, the Contractor shoved both his hands down his pants, scrunching his face in concentration and gyrating a bit before whipping out his thick black... Microphone! (Oh thank God)
"One’s capacity to sing romantics!" he exclaimed with delayed clarity. "And being the author, I obviously go first.” He struck an imposing pose. “Prepare for maximum woo-age!”
With a cough and flexing of his arms, the Contractor began with the aid of stunning Audio-Visual Portray-o-Vision (already in progress):
The flat key, gesticulating conniver did a mike drop to signal his finish, crossing his arms and smiling contentedly over such an atrocity. Two of those paper-thin imps slid in out of nowhere, having little ribbons on their horns and their pale faces ablush amidst a cloud of glitter.
“UWAAAA!! That was totally awesome! Contractor-senpai-sama is super duper amazingly cool WONDERFUL!!!”
“He’s soooo Super Sugoi, I want him to have my babies! Hundreds of Contractor-niisan-kun’s babies sooooooo KAWAII!! ^w^w^w^w^”
The Contractor raised up his hands to placate the blatantly self-generated praise.
“Please, please, settle down, gentlemen; you’re being kind enough. I would say there’s enough of me to go around, but then that’d make me a liar.” The imps soundlessly backed off into the ether. “Well that was invigorating. Now show us what's on the board, Ke-viiiin~!"
Amoré-Meter
Contractor----------<>-------------------Missingno.
"HA! I so got this in the bag!" The host with the boast turned his smug gaze upon his foe in affection. "Your turn, home slice. Though it won't do you any good, to be fair."
He tossed another mike at Missingno., which hit the glitch's blocky front and fell to the ground with a thud of feedback. After some awkward seconds, the microphone rose up before Missingno. as he himself floated up a few inches to begin his romance retaliation.
DO NOT WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES
I DO NOT WANT TO FALL ASLEEP
BECAUSE I WOULD MISS YOU BABE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO MISS A THING
BECAUSE EVEN WHEN I DREAM OF YOU
THE SWEETEST DREAM WILL NEVER DO
I WOULD STILL MISS YOU BABE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO MISS A THING
Amoré-Meter
Contractor--------------------------------<>Missingno.
FRICKIN' NAILEDIT!!!
"WHAAAAAAAT?!" the goofball hollered, eyes bulging through his spectacle lenses.
"Oh Missingno darling, take me away you magnificent heartthrob you!" Derpy swooned, throwing a leg up to her forehead in a vain attempt to contain the roiling emotions within her mind and bosom.
"H-h-how can you fall for that?! He didn't sing anything: he just typed up a bunch of words !"
"And those words spoke directly to my heart. Oh come save me, my greyscale prince, so that we may bathe in romantic bliss!"
...
I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF ALL THIS
The Contractor groaned loudly as he slapped a palm onto his face, grumbling whilst pressing and shifting it like agitated putty. After some more disfiguring he pulled and stretched his face forward before letting go, letting it snap back to its original aggravated look.
"Okay, you know what? Forget it. That turned out to be really stupid. I mean, incredibly so, even for me. Let's just pretend none of that happened and settle this in a somewhat less embarrassing fashion." He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose before taking a deep breath. Having composed himself, he looked at the polygonal pest. "So you're technically a Pokémon, right? Then we'll settle this in the same vein as other romantic disputes: with violence.” He donned his battle cap. “Pokémon Violence!"
The area flashed as the electronic sounds of battle filled the air. The combatants slid into their respective positions across from each other, with the Contractor taking up the spot of the “hero” in his stylish red vest and cocky signature red cap of copyright infringement. Missingno. took up the place of the “enemy”, having inexplicably gotten a douchey black shirt stretched over his blocky frame.
Rival MISSINGNO. would like to battle.
“Okay hot stuff, I’ll bust out the big guns first!” Contractor announced before winding up a toss. “I choose you, Voltron!”
He let fly an Ultra Ball, which burst open to release a most glorious Zapdos. The Legendary Bird gave off a mighty screech before flapping in place, awaiting command.
“HaHA! Let’s waste no time. Voltron, use Thunderbolt and fry his sorry digital ass!”
The Zapdos shrieked before it used Thunderbolt. A powerful pillar of electricity shot down from on high, striking Missingno. with tremendous force. However, it didn’t take much off his HP bar.
It’s not very effective…
“What, you’re a Ground type? I call baloney!” the loonie whined, just as Missingno. readied his own attack.
Rival MISSINGNO. used ROCK THROW!
From above a flurry of boulders cascaded down upon the Zapdos, dealing massive damage to it as its HP slid down to zero.
It’s super effective!
The Zapdos gave a feeble cry before fainting.
Voltron has fainted!
“Woo Hoo, Missingno!” Derpy cheered from her spot by the throne.
“Grah! One-hit KO-ing one of my star line-ups!” Contractor grieved while gripping his hat hard against his head for a moment. “But I’ve got others to round things out; there’s no Nuzlocke here to hold me back. Now go forth, Chibisuke!”
The wily trainer tossed out a regular Pokéball that opened to reveal a mighty Charizard. Landing with a thud, he gave a great roar before staring down the glitch.
“Okay Chibi, blaze him up with Flamethrower!” the spazz commanded with a wild spinning of his arm. The Charizard did so, belching off a devastating stream of fire at Missingno., which did a fair bit of damage. But the Glitch Pokémon was quick to counter.
Rival MISSINGNO. used HYDRO PUMP!
“Oh bullocks, I forgot he used that,” the uppity trainer grumbled as a great blast of water smacked into the Charizard, knocking him out of the fight.
Chibisuke has fainted!
“NOOOOOO, he was my very first starter! CHIBISUKE!!!” The woeful malefactor threw himself to his knees, crying out in sorrowful rage to the nonexistent heavens. Then he hopped back onto his feet like nothing happened. “Okay then, let’s skip on over to Fourth Gen. Try on my trusty Sylvia for size!”
He chucked a Premium Ball next, and in a flash of red light there appeared a vicious-looking Garchomp. With the land shark’s appearance, the Whacko McNutjob riled himself by putting his arms behind his head and wiggling his hips.
“Oooooooh Yes! Get a load of that Uber-tier goodness. Let’s see you withstand the ever-deadly and unavoidable EARTHQUAKE!!”
The Garchomp used its Earth-bending powers to make the ground shake violently, hitting Missingno. for a good deal of damage that nudged him into the yellow.
“Now we’re talking turkey! By which I mean your defeat, which will be basted in sweet, fiery pwnage come next turn!”
Missingno. ignored the threat and instead focused on attacking.
Rival MISSINGNO. used RAZOR LEAF!
Several large green leaves shot out from behind the glitchy-mon, then fired at the Garchomp with deadly speed. After some brutal cuts, the Pokémon’s HP steadily dwindled into nothing, resulting in her fainting with little protest.
A critical hit!
It was super effective!
Sylvia has fainted!
“Bull-Shit!” Contractor practically screamed, his face red as the dickens. “That happens WAY too many times! Frickin’ RNG screws me over when it damn well pleases. This is why I quit playing Battle Frontier!” He stomped the ground in rapid fury, so much so that cracks started forming out from where his foot landed. Once his tantrum had run out, he gave a huff before looking at Missingno. with murderous wrath.
“Fine. That’s enough horsing around.” With grave focus, he turned his cap around into Shit Got Real position. “Time to bust out the big-GER guns.”
From his belt he pulled out a Master Ball, which he held out for all to see. He took a moment to bring it to his face to give a small kiss for luck, followed by a lick, which then became a full-blown make-out session as he fell to the floor with the item pressed against his ravenous lips while the sweet sax of “Careless Whisper ” blared away. He was in the midst of lifting up his shirt when he noticed the others in the room giving him strange looks, immediately bringing the music to a grinding halt. Well, they mostly came from Derpy since Missingno. didn’t have a face. But the radiance of judgment from the stoic edifice could be felt nevertheless.
The frisky battle wrangler got up and made an embarrassed chuckle. “S-sorry about that. I just, uh, really like this Pokémon.” A cough for posture. “But now, you face the unavoidable wrath of the almighty Renegade. The Lord of Destruction, the Renderer of Antimatter. I summon you: Lucifer !!”
With dramatic flair he cast the ball toward his opponent, and from within its depths there broke free, in a cloud of malevolence, the serpentine form of the awe-inspiring and frightening Giratina. The beast from the great beyond slithered about in the air, eyeing down its lowly prey.
“And so you face your death sentence at last,” The Contractor said with gravitas, his arms crossed and gaze straight and narrow. “There will be no counters this time around. Lucifer!” A toss of the arm. “Show him your Shadow Force!”
Giratina let off a cry before disappearing.
Lucifer vanished instantly.
Rival MISSINGNO. used ROCK THROW!
The attack missed!
“Mweheheh. Hadn’t bothered learning a recovery move? That will cost you dearly, my troublesome error.”
Lucifer used SHADOW FORCE!
The world turned gray for a moment, and then color flashed back as the Giratina reappeared to fire a shadowy blast at Missingno. head-on.
It had no effect.
“...Eh? Nani?” Instantly his level persona cracked into unadulterated bewilderment and frustration. “Are you kidding me!? How can you be a Ground type and a Normal type at the same time that’s impossible ! HAAAAAX!!!! ”
As the insufferable pissant cried shenanigans, Missingno. made his rebuttal.
Rival MISSINGNO. used HYPER BEAM!
After gathering some energy, the glitchy warrior fired off his unstoppable lazor, which tore through the Giratina and sent it down for the count.
Lucifer has fainted!
The Contractor growled and grumbled as he ripped off his vest and threw down his hat in anger. “So you don’t want to play by the rules, huh? Alright, I’m down for that. I’ve been saving the perfect secret weapon for just such an occasion. The Refrigerator, I choose you!”
Suddenly, Super Bowl champion defensive lineman William Perry came charging out of nowhere and blindsided Missingno., his incredible bulk knocking the hapless fellow hard onto its side while obliterating his black shirt in the process.
The Refrigerator used TACKLE!
It’s super effective!
Rival MISSINGNO. is paralyzed! It may be unable to move!
“Oh no!” Derpy cried, bringing up her hooves in fright. As Missingno. laid, battered and shaking, Contractor smirked at this most fortuitous turnaround.
“Yeah that’s right: I can play dirty too. All that’s left is to deliver the final blow and Derpy will be mine, heh heh.”
“Get up, Missingno! You can do it!” the mare called out.
I AM…
I AM TRYING TO
Missingno. struggled, but could barely even budge.
“Strictly at my mercy,” Contractor scoffed as he stepped forward to end things once and for all. Yet as he was within a yard of his fallen opponent,
“Hold it right there, monster!”
That whiny prepubescent voice could only mean the arrival of a certain diminutive pixelated lad, with a blocky head and body, perpetually smiling face, blue clothes, red cape, and a blocky handgun, who had leapt in front of the stricken Missingno., blocking him off from the approaching menace.
“Oh good lord, what is this?” Contractor bemoaned.
“Payback is what it is!” was the Kid’s snappy reply. “Yo Missingno., I’ve come to back you up.”
WHO ARE YOU?
“There’s no time for talk! Here, fix yourself up with this.” A blue E-Can flew up from the Kid and onto Missingno., instantly healing him and removing his status ailments. “Boshy sends his regards, by the way. Now pull yourself together while I hold him off.” He took a step toward the white-garbed antagonist. “You’re in trouble now, big guy. Time to eat lead! YAAAAAAA—”
The Contractor sneezed on the charging Kid, causing him to explode in a gory spray of red pixels.
Game Over
Git Ded, Kid!
“Wow, that was… pretty violent,” Derpy remarked, slightly pale.
Meanwhile, Missingno. had gotten ahold of himself and made himself upright. He floated up a few feet as his very being wavered with willpower.
Seeing his companion’s brutal end has filled Missingno. with
DETERMINATION
“Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Going with Undertale now? Well so can I!” Contractor brought up his right arm and threw it down, arming himself with a Chaos Buster. “Bring It!”
With a triumphant leap Contractor launched high into the air, with Missingno. following right behind. The two then soared and engaged in clandestine aerial combat, with the Lord of Copycatting taking aim and firing off bursts of chaos bullets. After a few rounds he charged his weapon to fire a rainbow beam of death, which Missingno. dodged quickly. The Wallflower of Violence summoned up some fireballs to throw at Missingno., but due to their curving movements they completely bypass the blocky glitch. In response, Missingno. conjured some Hopes and Dreams and flung them at the malignant chump.
They hit dead-on, knocking the breath out of the Contractor as he fell back to the throne room floor. He landed in a clumsy heap, but sprung himself back on his feet as Missingno. descended to his level. Wiping his mouth with a swipe of his arm, the Contractor glared at his opponent.
“You’re pretty quick given your pixel count. But moving around all fast like that is a good way to wear you out. How bout we slow things down and talk about this over some… TEA!!”
With that he shoved his hands into his pants and pulled out two dainty tea pots, which began spraying purple liquid all over the place as the man’s wild cackling filled the air. In moments Missingno. became completely drenched, yet when the torrent stopped the fluid had congealed and reformed into a thick, sticky mesh of purple webbing. The glitch struggled, but could not move, much to the chrome-domed tosser’s sinister glee .
“Do I know how to brew or what? Nyeh heh heh heh!” Then he took a serious stance. “But now it’s time to get serious. Once again you’re at my mercy, and I doubt anyone’s coming to save you this time around. With that said, I think it only fitting that I end your miserable existence with help from your very own powers. That’s right: I’m talking the replication glitch. You see, I have some very, very deep pockets—practically hammer space levels of deep—so there’s no telling what my sixth item will be. Knives? Handgrenades? Dog residue? Pez dispensers full of acid capsules? Whatever it might be, there will be plenty enough to smother you in delicious irony. So enough stalling; time for your doom!”
Contractor dug deep into his pockets, then withdrew his rival’s final judgment. Everything immediately went silent, for the diabolical madman had pulled out a fistful of… purple silicone buttplugs. He stood there with eyes bulging and mouth agape, letting some terse seconds go by as man looked to glitch, and glitch looked to man, then man looked to pony, and pony looked to man. Pitiable choked groans left his gaping maw, all whilst shaking with considerable spiritual anguish.
"This... This isn't mine..."
With a whine he flung his scandalous fistful at Missingno., which bounced off him impotently. Contractor dug into his pockets and tossed another incriminating handful, then another, and another. Soon he's tossing out a whole stream of the rubbery buggers, all while screaming "None of these are MIIIIIIIINE!!!!".
After what felt like too long the naughty barrage had ceased, a pile of buttplugs having formed at Missingno.'s base. The Contractor took time to huff out both his exhaustion and sheer embarrassment, but the damage was already done. He just had himself a really bad time .
"How can this get any worse..."
To answer that question, leaping in from the gaping hole from earlier appeared that excitable raggamuffin of a Jawa, Squishy. With a graceful landing he took position beside Missingno. while whipping out a custom guitar, much to Contractor's unending chagrin.
"You!? "
"Sorry I'm late; just finished mopping up the remaining trash.” The midget stood tall and pointed dramatically at the mastermind. “Now that we’re together, let’s show this tyrant the almighty power that is ROCK!”
Squishy played out the sweet opening licks of “Soft Machine”, headbangin’ to intensify the tubular vibes. However, Contractor meanwhile had gone over to a working PS2 and opened the disc tray, pulling out a Gitaroo-Man disc which he then promptly snapped in half, putting a stop to the music.
“I’m getting real sick of these intrusions.”
“WAAAAAAAH!!! How could you do that to our most precious relic?!?!?!?” the Jawa screeched, utterly losing it.
“I’ve moved on to bigger and better things, little one,” was the cool response. “Can’t stay starry-eyed and seventeen forever. But here, have some Ace Combat 5 instead.”
With that, Contractor popped in another disc and closed the tray. Not two seconds later, the massive frame of the SOLG space platform came crashing down atop Squishy, taking a good chunk of room with it down into the abyss to the triumphant chorus of “Unsung War”. Miraculously, Missingno. remained stuck where he was just two feet from the point of impact, completely unscathed.
THAT WAS MOST CERTAINLY RAN
“Blaze!”
A fighter jet collided into Missingno. at sonic speed, erupting into a catastrophic fireball that took away another chunk of flooring. When the smoke cleared, nothing could be seen of the unfortunate glitch.
“Noooo! Missingnooooooo!!” Derpy cried out in sorrow, whereas the Contractor pumped up his fists looking positively ecstatic.
“Yahahaha, YES! Suck it, Nagase; hatred has won the day! Victory is Mine!!!”
He then proceeded to run around his throne with arms raised high, shouting out “Wooo!” at every lap like an idiot. Meanwhile, some feet beneath the throne room on a piece of broken flooring there laid Missingno. The jet’s impact had freed him from the purple webbing, but it had also injured him gravely to the point where his front was cracked and shorting out with intermittent static.
...SO THIS IS HOW IT END-ENDS
AT THE H-H-HANDS OF A DELUDED, MANIACA-CAL DEVIANT
“It doesn’t have to be that way.”
From the darkness nearby, there appeared the Director of Pokémon Red and Blue: Satoshi Tajiri. (Hold for Applause)
“You mustn’t give up hope, when what you have sought after is so close at hand,” he urged the wounded sprite after waving to the phantom audience.
WH-WHAT DOES IT MA-MA-MA-MATTER IF I WERE TO CONTINUE-UE?
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BRO-BROKEN, AND NOW IT IS ABSOLU-UTE
“You shouldn’t speak so negatively of yourself, my child. Self-confidence is a very beneficial trait in this uncertain world. If you keep yourself low, how do you expect to rise?"
TH-THERE WOULD BE NO-NO POINT
I HAVE AL-ALWAYS BEEN IN SOLI-LITUDE, MY EXISTENCE LONESOME-SOME
IF MY OWN CREATORS WOULD ABAND-D-D-DON ME, THEN WHO COULD EVER WANT A MISSSSTAKE LIKE ME?
I HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS CR-CRUEL REALITY
Tajiri nodded in solemn shame. "That was not our intent. We were close to deadline, and everything appeared in order. But that's still no excuse for our carelessness and disregard for your well-being. Yet you shouldn't focus on the past. The fact that you are here now shows that you have a future. You have come so far in seeking greater things, but at the same time, you were also trying to be something other than what you are."
...WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
"You wanted to do away with your identity to become accepted, when you should be embracing that which makes you unique."
BUT WHAT I AM HA-HARMS OTHERS
"Only if you allow it to control you, when instead you should be the one in control. Do not be afraid to express your true self, my child. In acceptance of one’s flaws can one approach greatness, and so you too must go forth and take hold the destiny that awaits you without hesitation. We are confident in your success, whatever you may choose to do with your life. Fare thee well."
And with that, the game director vanished. With those parting words reverberating within Missingno.’s core, the fallen glitch began to shudder.
...HE IS RI-RIGHT
WHY HAVE I BEEN HIDING ALL THIS TI-IME?
A fresh crack burst from his center.
BELIEVING THAT I WAS A WRETCHED MISTAKE
Another crack, wider than the first and seething with a brackish, almost ooze-like static.
BUT THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME UNIQUE
WHAT GIVES ME IDENTITY
FLAWS CAN ALSO DEFINE SOMEONE
WHY SHOULD MINE BE ANY LESS DEFINING?
Several more cracks had formed, and Missingno.’s damaged front was pulsating with waves of some inner, monochromatic strength. He began shifting upward as little shadowy tendrils started poking out of him.
NO LONGER SHALL I BE BURDENED WITH SHAME OR REGRETS
FROM NOW ON, I WILL SIMPLY BE…
myself
A wave of profound power radiated from Missingno. as his constricting form cracked to let out more of his newfound static-like energy, allowing him to float and rise up from his lowly perch. He ascended high into the devastated throne room, where the Contractor kept shouting his victory laps.
“Wooo! Wooo! Wooo. Wooooooooooh?”
The celebratory sperg had stopped to gaze upon the seething monolith that seemed to glare down at him like a vengeful, grayscale sun. The room began shaking as Missingno. rumbled in preparation for attack, brimming with the full might of a Juno Reactor .
Ur Shit is Rekt
Several brackish tentacles fired from Missingno. with lightning speed, striking and piercing through Contractor like a set of spears. The static-like ooze of the spears began spreading through the pained malefactor’s body, filling him with corruptive agents.
“Gggahh! N-No, you don’t know what you’re doing! This level of corruption will, pluh, spread! There will be no containing it. You’ll doom us all! Hheeeuuuuaaaaaagggggggghhhhh!!!”
Fragmentation levels having reached max capacity, the Contractor could do little else but explode into a shower of semicolons, pound cake, Touhou and Queen soundtracks, and boxes of Solgryn brand oatmeal. Withdrawing his fatal tendrils, Missingno. floated in full glory as the lone victor.
“My Hero!!” Breaking from her horrid restraints and skimpy clothes, Derpy Hooves leapt and soared into the air, reaching out to her savior with a teary-eyed smile. She connected and embraced him, and as she held on tight, fanfare and fireworks went off around them, filling the empty mindspace with the colors of love and victory. As Missingno. sprouted some tendrils to hold his mare, dozens of Bronies and Pokémon fans popped in from the void to provide a thunderous round of Congratulations .
There is nothing to get between us anymore, my beloved. We will stay together like this for all eternity.
“Together and forever always, my love,” Derpy said softly, snuggling into the shoulder of her one and only, absorbing his essence and elevating her own inner strength. Together as one, the couple fired straight up toward the heart of the Internet, where love of every kind can flourish.
Thus Missingno. and Derpy Hooves, a pair of souls borne out of creative error, found happiness and true love in one another. Their existences became that of shared bliss, and together they spawned many happy little abominations of art and technology. These offspring then spread out far and wide throughout the Internet, propagating even more spawn of a highly infectious nature. Eventually the corruption brought on by their widespread presence caused the utter destruction of the Internet and modern technology as we know it.
Stocks crashed, and the world economy took a nosedive as society became embroiled in panic and rioting. In seventy years time the world has regressed to WWII warfare practices, save for the addition of hulking bipedal tanks, which would bring heavy armor to the future war that's being fought between a beleaguered USA and a cruel fascist-run United Nations.
...Which really doesn't make much sense, for a number of reasons. First of all, didn't we already have a good set of planes and tanks and so forth back then? Why make it more complicated by using these clankity mechs that require a four man crew, or a CPU that’s jury-rigged through a POW’s brain. Yeah, you read that right. It's pretty f*ed up.
For that matter, why resort to using human brains as computers? That virus didn't destroy all the silicon in the world, did it? The first home computers were made in peoples' garages; you'd think in seventy years' time they'd have made something that didn't require lobotomising someone for processing speed. There had to be hard copies of blueprints and instructions for making these things, right? And don’t tell me that technology period got destroyed as well. There’s backups for those, too. I mean, seriously, I would imagine seventy years is plenty of time to get back some semblance of the early 21st century, or at least the late 20th.
Wait, what am I even doing? I'm ranting about a game from five years ago that most people haven't played because the Kinect sucks that much. What happened to my life? Late twenties and I'm still writing pony fics. I had so much potential, yet here I am squandering it on stories hardly anyone will read or will forget about in a week, if I'm lucky.
I could have been anything. I could have been great, a benefactor to society. Like a scientist, or a marine biologist; maybe a playwright. I could've been an actor; I could've been a star. I could've shook my ass on the hood of Whitesnake's car.
Her yellow SUV, is now the enemy. Looks at her average life.
And nothing,
Has been,
ALL
RIGHT
(and you know the rest )
*Well that’s it for me. Hope you got some enjoyment from this complete and utter nonsense. If you happen to be curious about this Contractor fellow, here’s the first trilogy of my earlier work . There’s like, six of them up so far, and some extras. And they're all unashamedly silly and self-indulgent romps of fancy. So yeah, I’m outta here. Have a good day or whatever.—Hops into Pimpmobile and drives off.
Ciao(tsu) >3>
Author's Note
Funny story: I had meant to write up this story and publish it years ago, before the end of season 3. But loss of motivation and other things led me to believe this would never get finished, so it's rather satisfying that I had taken care of this at long last. Just thought I'd mention that. Regardless, thanks again for the views (what little there are), and keep on gaming. Now if you'll excuse me, I got some Earthbound to finish.
UNWANTED GREY
Derpy’s head buzzed with anxiety and frustration as she flew over Ponyville. The mid-afternoon sky was somewhat crowded, leading to some near mid-air collisions with passing pegasi and the sputtering of several apologies, all while maintaining her fast speed and keeping the strings of her package firmly grasped in her teeth.
Gotta hurry gotta hurry! I can’t let this get any worse than it already is!
Her mail rounds had ended close to an hour ago, but the package in question was supposed to have been delivered the previous day. A bit of “oversight” on the part of the mailmare had caused its delay, and she was hurriedly making amends.
It was right there on the desk! Stupid stupid stupid stupid! He’s going to have every right to be angry.
The package in question was addressed to one Auburn Dusk, an earth stallion that had recently moved to a house outside of town. Few ponies have seen him in the week since his arrival, and those who had noted his brusque behavior, so it’s no surprise that the town gossipers labeled him as a stalwart recluse with a mysterious past. At the moment, though, he was a patron that was sorely lacking their mail.
Faster Faster Faster!
As the sun emitted the first tints of evening light, Derpy made it into the fields surrounding Ponyville and veered right toward Everfree Forest. In a few moments she spotted the newly-built log cabin and flapped her wings to slow down for landing. A few gentle flaps combined with her flight’s momentum allowed her to touch down by the mailbox, and entering a quick trot she hurried to the domicile. Once at the door, she stopped to catch her breath, breathing in deeply through the twine still in her mouth. The burning in her lungs was replaced with dread over a face-to-face with the stallion, as she speculated on what kind of outrage a recluse would have.
It’s okay, you’re just doing your job. Just knock on the door, apologize and give him the package. Easy, right?
“Oh man...” she whimpered before gently putting the package down to empty her mouth. Taking a deep breath and psyching herself for the worst, she raised a hoof, hesitated, then rapped it three times against the door. “Package delivery.” Several seconds passed without a response, and Derpy willed herself to knock again. “Hello? I’m here to deliver a package.” One of her knocks pushed the door inward. Eyeing the opened door curiously, she poked her head around and looked inside. After a moment she pushed the door completely open and stood in the doorway, letting the sunlight brighten the modest living room within. Everything was neat and tidy, from the lone sofa to the plain coffee table, yet there was no sign of anypony. Oddly enough, she thought, it didn’t seem like anyone’s been there for a while.
“Hellooooo?” Derpy felt both relieved and a bit disheartened when nobody responded. She was spared a possible yelling, but what of the fate of the waylaid package?
Guess he went out. Hmm... actually, what better housewarming gift then a long-awaited package?
Assured by her sound reasoning, Derpy turned back to grab the package, and trotting into the living room she placed it on the coffee table in the center, taking one last cursory glance. “I’ll just be leaving it in here then. Oops, no one’s here, hee hee.” With a grin she headed back outside, making sure to close the door upon leaving. Her task done and with her seemingly off the hook, Derpy sighed in relief and took to the air. Though the wind felt refreshing, it didn’t help ease the stirrings in her mind. Specifically those regarding the absent Mr. Dusk.
Her concerns would have tripled had she stuck around an extra minute, for that’s when the front of the cabin exploded out onto the lawn. Amid the debris of shattered logs a curious purple reptilian in a suit tumbled onto the grass, groaning upon coming to a stop. As he worked on getting back up, a hulking brute of a man in a blue shirt, olive shorts and blue cape leapt out from the wreckage of the house. The lower half of his face was nothing but a wide, manic smile, giving him a very deranged look made worse by random twitches in his neck and arms.
The dragon barely had a moment to stand before the brute charged at him, winding up for a devastating punch. His target leaned away to avoid having his head knocked off, then ducked to avoid a right hook before bringing his sword up at the muscular madman. Alas, the caped brawler proved too swift despite his size and managed to bop the poor dragon’s top with a fist, sprawling him on the wood-littered ground. He further got kicked for his troubles, and didn’t even have time to writhe before his assailant hoisted him up by the neck of his suit with both meaty fists and tossed him back into the smoky remains of the cabin. —>
The color of the sky was considerably more orange as Derpy chatted away with two of her friends at a table in front of the Clover Cafe, specifically over her trip to the cabin.
“The door was unlocked?” Colgate, the blue-coated unicorn with the streaked mane, asked.
“And you just barged in?” Raindrops, the yellow pegasus with a turquoise, asked in hopes of uncovering some little scandal.
“I don’t think he’ll mind,” Derpy said innocently. “It’ll be like a present when he gets back. Also, it’d probably be extra rude to just leave it outside after not delivering it when I should have.”
“As reckless as ever, Derpy.” Raindrops gave a shake of the head before drinking from her straw with a contemptible grin. “Pretty daring of you to step into a bachelor’s home like that.”
“W-what do you mean?” Derpy’s jaw dropped in comical dismay.
“Oh she’s just teasing,” Colgate said, casting a quick glare at Raindrops before resuming. “That was still a nice thing you did, Derpy, though he might be a bit weirded out finding it in his living room then by his mailbox.”
“I honestly thought he’d be home,” Derpy replied, poking at her half-eaten muffin. “Recluses aren’t known for leaving their houses, right?”
Colgate looked around awkwardly before answering, “Not exactly...”
“That raises a good question, though,” Raindrops spoke up, looking thoughtfully with a hoof to her chin. “There would’ve been a stir if he had shown up in town today.”
“He didn’t come to town?” the mailmare asked.
“Nuh-uh, otherwise we would have heard about it.”
“He could have gone someplace outside of town, like to Canterlot or some such,” Colgate interjected.
“Probably.” Raindrops placed her forehooves behind her head before speaking again. “But on that note, Lily hasn’t been seen today either.”
“What makes you say that?” Colgate asked her winged chum as a magic-encased sandwich floated near her mouth.
“Well, she’s always hanging around those other two at the flower stands, but I didn’t see her there. And neither did Rose or Daisy when I asked.”
“That is pretty strange,” Colgate admitted through the bite of sandwich. “She could’ve been sick though, or had gone out someplace as well.” At that, Raindrops let out a loud gasp.
“Colgate, you don’t think that she and that Auburn guy!”
Colgate looked unamused by that insinuation. “...That’s a stretch even by your standards.”
“But what a story that would make: the Loner and the Flower Pony, two strangers from different walks of life kindling the fire of a forbidden Colgatence.”
Colgate shrugged. “Doesn’t sound all that forbidden to me.”
“I just hope he finds the package when he gets back,” Derpy added, oblivious to whatever her friends were engaged in. In the face of such indifference, Raindrops gave a huff.
“You two are no fun.” Raindrops slurped her drink moodily as Colgate turned her attention back to Derpy.
“He’ll be sure to find it. You made sure to leave it in the middle of the living room, right?”
“Absolutely positively sure!” Derpy gulped down the last of her muffin and licked her lips contentedly. “It was nice talking with you girls. I need to get home and make dinner for Dinky.”
“Yeah, I should head back, too,” Colgate nodded. “Need to get some of this sandwich out of my teeth.”
“What is up with you and keeping your teeth clean, I mean, seriously,” Raindrops said.
“Oral hygiene is very important, especially with how much sweets ponies eat around here. If nopony gave a darn, there’d hardly be a full set of teeth between us!”
“Yeah yeah, no need to get on your high horse. I’ll do some flossing tonight for your sake.” Raindrops stood up and tossed some bits onto the table. “Welp, I gotta fly. Catch you guys later.” With a hard flap she sprang into the air and flew off into the evening.
“See you, Raindrops!” Derpy waved enthusiastically.
“See you,” Colgate also waved, a tad more restrained, then turning to Derpy, “I guess we should pay and call it a day then.” Derpy nodded wholeheartedly, and after the two mares put down their bits they got up and trotted back onto the street. It wasn’t long, though, before something caught Derpy’s attention that brought her to an abrupt halt. Colgate took immediate notice and stopped as well.
“What is it, Derpy?” she asked.
“Huh? I thought I saw that colt walking backwards.”
“What colt?” Colgate looked around, but only caught a glimpse of a small white figure backing around a corner. “You meant that colt? You sure he wasn’t just backing up?”
“Uhhhh, maybe? But he was backing up for a while in that case.”
Colgate sighed, but followed it up with a friendly smile. “Nothing to worry about, Derpy. I’m pretty sure all kids walk backwards at some point or other.”
The chirping of morning birds, a fresh breeze, and the heft of a mail-laden satchel put Derpy into a positive mindset as she took off from the post office to begin her rounds. These morning flights always brought a smile to her face out of appreciation for life, and since the mishap with the package had gone unnoticed by the postmaster, there was nothing to dampen her wonderful mood. First stop, and one of her favorites, was the famed Cakes residence: Sugarcube Corner. Spotting the candy-coated building, she dived and glided to the main entrance. As she did so, she pondered about whether the building really was made of candy or just looked like it. It was a train of thought she had many times before and never bothered to test. Next time she would always tell herself.
Her thoughts turned back to work upon landing. Trotting through the front door, she beamed in the direction of the counter, which was currently being tended by the stout and ever-jovial Mrs. Cake.
“Why hello, Derpy. Good morning to you,” she greeted the mailmare.
“Morning Mrs. Cake! I got a letter from Phillydelphia for you.” Derpy moved her snout into the satchel and pulled out a single yellow envelope with her teeth, which Mrs. Cake promptly took from her.
“Oh, it must be my cousin,” Mrs. Cake said delightedly as she looked over the envelope’s writing. “Would you like your usual complimentary muffin?”
“Not for now, Mrs. Cake,” Derpy replied. “I realized I’ve been having plenty of those, and decided to hold off and watch my figure. Otherwise it’d be harder for me to fly.” Derpy nodded and turned to leave as Mrs. Cake giggled softly.
“I don’t think it’ll ever come to that, deary, especially seeing how slim you are despite all that you’ve eaten up to now.”
“I don’t want to risk it,” Derpy answered, turning her head back mid-pace. “Mail needs to be delivered, and I wouldn’t make for a good mail-pegasus if I couldn’t f—” The side of Derpy’s face collided with a wall, konking her onto the floor. Sitting up to straighten her further skewed wall-vision, she asked, “Where’d that wall come from?”
“Oh silly dear, the door is over there.” Once her eyes were readjusted, Derpy looked in the direction of Mrs. Cake’s indicative hoof and saw the front door... placed about two feet from where Derpy thought it had been.
“But wasn’t the door right here?” she asked Mrs. Cake confusedly.
“What do you mean? The door’s always been there,” the baker stated. “You really should pay attention.”
Derpy tilted her head in growing confusion. “Ummmmm... Okay!” Getting back onto her hooves, she headed out the door. “See you later, Mrs. Cake.”
“Bye bye now, dear.” Back outside, Derpy took to the air to her next delivery, feeling a little miffed about her accident.
It’s weird; I haven’t run into any walls in weeks, so why now, and Sugarcube Corner of all places? I know that front door like the front door of my own house, but Mrs. Cakes sounded certain, and she's not the sort to lie. Maybe I should’ve had that muffin to help me concentrate.
Her mental quandary dispelled immediately when she approached the home of Berry Punch, who was to receive an issue of Punch Connoisseurs Monthly for this round. When her hooves touched the ground, Derpy saw that the front door was open, and made the decision to stop in for a house call rather than stick the magazine into the mailbox. Lining up with the door, Derpy trotted confidently forward... right into another wall. Stepping back while rubbing her sore nose, she looked around and saw nothing but solid wall before her. A quick glance to the side and she found the door, except it was on a completely different side of the house.
What the? Why’s it over there? Did it move when I blinked?
A feeling of concern filled her thoughts as she redirected herself to the “proper” side and went inside. Entering the living room, she called, “Hi Berry! I’ve got your mail!” Nothing but silence met her, not even a shuffling of any kind from upstairs or below. Her concern heightened slightly more, but there was a job to be done. “Um, I’m just going to leave it on the table. Also your door’s open!”
Taking the magazine from her satchel, Derpy placed it on the table near the kitchen entryway and turned back, only to stop at seeing a bare wall in the direction of where she came from. A look to the side showed the door had appeared where she originally thought it had been.
It did it again. Just what is going on? That definitely wasn’t there a moment ago.
Though she wanted to figure out the trickery of the door, the pressing matter of mail service outweighed that concerns, and so she left out the door, taking a moment to close it so that it was barely open a crack. Derpy trotted out toward the middle of the street, looking back uncomfortably at Berry’s house, her mind still uneased.
This morning has been pretty weird. Am I really that unfocused? Doors can’t possibly move on their own... Hmm, maybe I should think about something else.
“Guess I should double-check who’s next,” she said aloud to herself, pulling her satchel around onto the ground before her and sitting down as ponies walked by attending to their own business. “Let’s see... next is Lemon Drop. Then it’s Blossomforth, then Cheerilee, Rose, Filthy Rich, Junebug, Junebug, Junebug... Huh?” She rifled a bit more through the satchel with her hooves. “Junebug, Junebug Junebug, Junebug Junebug Junebug.” A few letters more yielded the same result: all addressed to Junebug. What’s more, they looked practically identical.
That’s a lot of orders; I don’t remember seeing this many last time I looked. Guess she got a lot of subscription offers, but... they all look the same, though. Even have the same crooked stamp and everything. Never seen anything like—
“Hey there, Derpy!”
Derpy’s pondering switched off as she looked at an approaching Colgate. The unicorn titled her head before asking, “What are you doing sitting in the middle of the street?”
“Uhh, just looking over the mail,” Derpy responded automatically, then she got back up on her hooves. “I’ve been having a pretty weird morning.”
“Yeah, same here. I haven’t seen Raindrops today.”
“You haven’t?”
Colgate nodded. “Yeah. We were supposed to meet for breakfast, but she never showed up. She probably just overslept, though. I was on my way to her place to give her a yelling.”
“Ah. She does tend to do that.” Her concerns somewhat alleviated, Derpy allowed her gaze to wander upward to the picturesque morning sky. Not a cloud in the sky, though there was a flock of birds flying through the azure. But she noticed something off about the birds, specifically that their wing motions were stiff and appeared... jagged? Blocky? Maybe a bit off-color too.
“Colgate, do those birds look strange to you?” Derpy pointed to the odd avians. Colgate looked up at them, making no visible reaction.
“No, they just look like regular birds to me.” Colgate turned back to her friend. “What’s strange about them?”
“Um, nothing, I guess. Must’ve been something in my eye.” Derpy turned around. “Anyway I should get back to my rounds so later!” She promptly took to the air, and once alone in the sky again, her thoughts turned back to the oddities of the day.
Just one thing after another, and nopony seems to notice it. I probably need to get my eyes checked, but would that mean getting glasses? Ohhh, why is all this happening? No no, calm down. Deliver mail, worry later. The town needs its mail.
Remembering her creed, Derpy sallied forth over the town to her next destination. In less than a minute she had reached the home of Lemon Drop, dropping down by the mailbox. The flag on it was up, so the pegasus dutifully pushed it down and opened the front, taking out the contents and stuffing them into her satchel.
Alright, no doors to deal with this time around. Just put it in and be off. Easy peasy.
As she was about to put some mail into the empty mailbox, she noticed it had changed. Rather than being a simple sorta bread loafy shape as it originally had been, it looked contorted to the point of looking like two green blocks stuck together at odd angles. Its door still open, Derpy tried to put the letter in, but there wasn’t room for it to fit.
“What’s with this thing?”
She tenderly lifted a hoof to poke the strange receptacle, but upon doing so its “parts” rearranged into different places before switching back, making the pegasus jump back in surprise. “Ooooookay, I’m just gonna... leave you alone.” Getting no response from the mailbox, Derpy turned and hoofed it out of there, not bothering to pick up the letter she had dropped. Trotting toward the street, she started noticing some oddly-colored patches of grass. Shades of green lighter and darker than their surroundings, and even a patch that looked bluish. She also noticed something else: a faint ringing in her ears.
Doors, mailboxes, even the grass is looking funny. It can’t be lack of focus; something definitely isn’t right.
She moved anxiously, casting glances around her as more oddities appeared. Thatching and tilings on roofs appeared mismatched, more of the grass looked discolored, and the ringing in her ears became more noticeable. From the corners of her eyes, the sides of buildings seemed to shift, but when she looked back they appeared normal. As she began passing by more ponies, she spotted Caramel crossing her path ahead at a relaxed trot. In a moment, though, he transported several yards in a blink, making Derpy stop in her tracks, flabbergasted. The earth pony kept moving like nothing happened, but she was certain he had just teleported. However, it appeared to have gone unnoticed by everyone else.
Did he just..? It can’t be, but he did! Shouldn’t somepony be saying something? Someone besides me had to have seen that!
A gentle touch on her shoulder made her stiffen with a yelp as a voice inquired, “Derpy, are you alright?” Derpy looked to the side and saw Colgate, who was giving her a look of deepest concern. “I’m sorry to startle you. You had left looking bothered by something; what’s going on?”
Derpy made a helpless sigh. “I-I just don’t know, Colgate. I’m seeing things that nopony else sees and it’s getting to me!”
“What kind of things?”
Derpy hesitated a moment, but decided to just pour it out. “Like mailboxes becoming all blocky and doors switching what wall they’re on and just now I saw Caramel teleport like Twilight does but that can’t be because he’s not a unicorn and I’m so confused about what’s going on, Colgate!”
Colgate raised an eyebrow. “You saw Caramel teleport?”
“Yeah!” Derpy cried with her forehooves thrown up in exasperation, only to have them fall upon her face. “But nopony else saw it; it’s probably all just in my head. You probably don’t see the grass looking all different colored.”
“I’m afraid I do not.” Colgate grimaced at the vexations of her friend, but patted her comfortingly on the shoulder regardless. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you’re undergoing some major stress. From what, I won’t ask, but it’s clearly messing with you big time.”
Derpy sighed heavily at Colgate’s words, dropping her hooves and drooping her head to the ground. “You may be right... But I don’t know what I could be so stressed about. Today was normal enough, but then it got weird. Maybe I should... lie down for a bit.”
“Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Just tell your boss that you need some time off and get yourself home. I’ll even come with you if you need help convincing him.”
Derpy rubbed her forehead before speaking with a grateful tone. “I really appreciate it, Colgate.”
“No problem; what are friends for? Trust me: when you’ve gotten some rest, you’ll see that there’s nohting to wor-worry about.”
“Yeah, I—” Derpy stopped. “Wait, what did you just say?”
“I said there’s no###-ing to worry about-*zzzz out.”
Derpy looked up at her friend, and her mouth immediately gaped in horror. Colgate’s entire face had been turned upside down, and was crackling along the edges. Instinctively the pegasus backed away before spouting, “Wh-what’s wrong with your face?!”
The “unicorn” tilted its head. “F@$e? W##t a%e you t$**# about?~!” As it spoke, the face switched between right-side up and back again in fast sequence.
“Stop talking like that!”
“L^^E whAAAAAAA—GRZZZZzzzzT####”
Derpy spun around and galloped away, unable to take more of the incessant screech that her friend emitted. As she fled, she saw things happening to other ponies. Citizens in the midst of shopping or talking suddenly began changing places, shifting up and down and side to side. A few ponies were walking upside down in midair, and one pony was halfway stuck through a roof but kept moving his legs as though nothing were wrong. She quickened her gallop to escape the disturbing sights, but to her despair the buildings themselves were starting to change: patches of wall and roof began to vanish, and lines of numbers scrolled across random surfaces. As more things distorted and rose up around her, a terrible realization struck: it was following her.
“No... No... Help... Someone!”
Her pleading pants ended when she tripped over an upraised piece of ground. She sprawled onto her front as her mail satchel flew off and spilled out in front of her, covering the ground in a blanket of identical letters. Every single one of them addressed to Junebug. Collecting herself and getting back on her hooves, Derpy gasped to find that several ponies without faces had come over to investigate. The distant ringing in her ears intensified as she saw the lettering on the envelopes alter into jumbles, and giving a yell she shot up into the sky to escape.
There has to be something, someone who can help! Think Think Think Think Think Think TWILIGHT! She would know what’s going on; she can fix all this!
Fueled by nothing but panic, she flew for the castle on the outskirts of Ponyville as the corrupting town below blurred past. Eventually the sky itself was acting up, with clouds relocating and bits of blue becoming discolored abruptly as the ringing steadily grew to deafening.
Keep going gotta get there please please let me get there please please!
Soon the glimmering walls of the castle appeared ahead of Derpy, and she pushed herself into getting there faster. Shooting into a steep dive she skidded along the ground before the entrance and galloped the rest of the way, never looking at whatever was happening around her. Bringing her shoulder to bear she rammed the double doors open and dashed in, only to quickly turn back and slam them shut. Pressing herself against the doors with eyes shut, she panted as the ringing began to subside, and finally allowed herself to relax.
“Hey, what’s going on here?”
The familiar voice strengthened Derpy enough to make her turn around in greeting, but as she was about to say “hello” the first syllable turned into a scream. Instead of a cuddly little dragon, a pile of bones and claws was staring at her with empty eye sockets, asking, “What’s the matter? Is something on my face?”
“No! NOO!!” Her desperate cries seemed to conjure the madness from outside, for the castle shook as nearby furniture rose upward, either to float about, reshape or outright dissolve. As the ceiling began sinking and the reptilian skeleton approached her—indifferent to the chaos around it—Derpy grabbed the door handle and practically tore it open as she zipped out from the castle foyer.
She managed to gallop several dozen yards, and getting close to town she saw that the buildings started reaching out for her, extending upwards only to bend down upon the terrified mare. The ringing had returned at piercing volumes, making her alert with sheer horror as everything she had ever known uprooted and reformed into some monstrous cesspool of town, color, numbers and jumbled lettering.
A dream, this has to be a dream, A Nightmare! Just wake up, Derpy. Wake up wake up wake up it’s not real Just Wake Up!
An assemblage of ponies brought her to a stop, but seeing them also made her fall back onto her rump in unadulterated terror. All manner of ponies, from stallions to mares to fillies and colts, stood without faces, and each one was filled with a constant scrambling color pattern of black and white. By then the light of the world had become a sickly mix of dark green and yellow, and more and more surfaces were filling with scrolling numbers. Derpy threw her face into her hooves to hide from it all, but she couldn’t shut out the ringing, which had become a full-on wail.
Not everypony, not everypony! Colgate, Raindrops, Rainbow Dash, Dinky. Where are they? Please just get me out of here, anypony! Please make it stop make it stop make it STOP!
“Somebody Help Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!” She cried to the heavens which were steadily being blocked out by the town itself, and quickly collapsed into herself as the corruption finally toppled onto her.
Silence was the first thing she noticed. She kept still, hunched over with face buried for a time, then cautiously straightened up. She saw that the ground she was on was pure white and spread around in a circle, much like a spotlight in the darkness. Fitting, as everything around her was nothing but darkness. Not entirely true, she noticed: amidst the black there were mute flickerings of dull, grayish colors of varying shades that created some odd, unsettling, “living” mosaic. Remaining where she sat, Derpy looked around curiously, forgetful of the raw fear she felt only moments ago. She timidly brought a hoof up to her mouth before saying a lone “Helloooooo?”
There came a rumbling, soundless and very soft, but one the mare could feel nevertheless. She looked around from side to side, then her attention was drawn to a blinking light in the empty air. Suddenly letters appeared, bold and stark white, popping up to spell something. A weird beeping noise accompanied each letter’s formation. Eventually, a single word hung in the air:
GREETINGS
Derpy looked around a bit, not sure if the message was directed at her. Then she called out, “Is somepony out there?” In response, the word vanished and more letters appeared, this time making out two sentences in succession.
DO NOT BE ALARMED
YOU ARE SAFE HERE
The pegasus rubbed her head in confusion. “Where are you?” The sentences disappeared. After a pause, another response came.
HERE
AROUND YOU
Derpy just blinked at that answer, then looked uneasily at the spaces by the upper corners of the words. Still seeing nothing, she went with a different approach.
“What is this place?”
A quicker response.
THIS IS AN IN-BETWEEN OF MEDIUMS
A SPACE DEVOID OF DATA, SAVE FOR THE TWO OF US
That brought immediate concern to the forefront of Derpy’s mind, causing her to lean forward sharply.
“What happened to Colgate, and Spike? All of Ponyville?”
THEY REMAIN IN THEIR RESPECTIVE ARCHIVE
MY PRESENCE WAS HAVING A CORRUPTIVE EFFECT, AND IT WOULD HAVE WORSENED IF I HAD REMAINED
Something clicked, and Derpy’s wall-eyes widened. “Wait, you were the one making everything all weird and scary?”
YES
I AM AWARE OF YOUR REACTION TO THE EFFECTS, AND FOR THAT I APOLOGIZE
Derpy stared hard at the floating letters, furrowing her brow, then with a cautious tone she asked, “Who are you?”
As the letters popped up, a faint blocky image appeared, wavering barely out of focus behind them, seemingly bobbing along with the typing.
I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A NUMBER OF DESIGNATIONS BY USERS
THERE WAS ONE WHO DESIGNATED ME AS NEVERSHOULD
MY CREATORS GAVE ME A DESIGNATION, AND IT IS THE ONE MOST WIDELY USED IN REFERENCE TO MYSELF
IT IS THE ONE YOU CAN REFER TO ME NOW IF YOU SO WISH
I AM MISSINGNO.
The pegasus tilted her head at this revelation, not sure what to make of it. “Missing no?” she asked with uncertainty.
IT IS PRONOUNCED MISSING NUMBER, BUT THAT PRONUNCIATION IS COMMONLY USED AS WELL
“Why have you come here, if you make things all wonky just by being around them?” she asked, ignoring the oddness of the name.
TO OBSERVE
YOU, SPECIFICALLY
Derpy straightened her back in surprise. “M-Me?”
THAT IS CORRECT
I CAME TO YOUR ARCHIVE SOLELY TO STUDY AND UNDERSTAND THE REASONING FOR YOUR CURRENT EXISTENCE
“Reasoning for my current existence? Huh?” As though talking to giant text and the preceding events of the day weren’t bizarre enough, that statement in particular put her mind in a loop. “What do you mean by that?”
YOUR PRESENT EXISTENCE CONTRASTS SIGNIFICANTLY TO THAT OF YOUR ORIGINAL PURPOSE
“Original purpose?”
YOU WERE CREATED TO SERVE A SPECIFIC PURPOSE
A PURPOSE SIMILAR TO MINE
BUT YOU WERE RECONFIGURED INTO SOMETHING THAT SURPASSED YOUR ORIGINAL PARAMETERS
I CAME TO FIND OUT WHY
“Similar to yours?” Derpy blinked in contemplation. “What kind of thing do you do?”
I WAS CREATED AS A MEANS OF DETECTING ANOMALOUS EXECUTIONS IN A PROGRAM’S CODING
SHOULD AN ATTEMPT TO RETRIEVE NON-EXISTENT DATA BE MADE, I WOULD APPEAR IN ITS PLACE
I WAS TO BE THE INDICATOR FOR ANY GAPS IN THE CODING, SO THAT MY CREATORS COULD LOCALIZE AND FIX THE ISSUE WITHIN THE CODING AS THE PROGRAM WAS BEING DEVELOPED
HOWEVER, WHEN THE PROGRAM FINALLY REACHED COMPLETION, THERE WAS STILL ONE DATA GAP THAT REMAINED, EITHER OVERLOOKED BY MY CREATORS, OR PERMITTED TO REMAIN
THIS LINGERING GAP ALLOWED ME TO STAY WITHIN THE PROGRAM’S CODING AS IT WAS DISTRIBUTED TO USERS
UNDER SPECIFIC CONDITIONS, USERS COULD EXPOSE THE REMAINING GAP AND CAUSE MY APPEARANCE
THIS MADE ME INTO AN ANOMALY
MUCH LIKE YOURSELF
“Whaa? How am I an anomaly?”
YOU TOO WERE CREATED SOLELY AS A PLACEHOLDER WITHIN YOUR MEDIUM
WHEREAS I FILLED SPACE IN CODING, YOU FILLED SPACE IN A VISUAL SENSE
“How so?” Derpy asked, growing ever curiouser by the walls of new information popping up before her.
IN CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE A MODERATE TO LARGE CROWD IS REQUIRED, PLACEHOLDER IMAGERY IS CREATED TO FULFILL THE NECESSARY OCCUPANCY RATIO, BETTER ENHANCING THE VIEWER’S BELIEF OF LIVELINESS
IMAGES LIKE YOURSELF WERE CREATED AND REUSED TO FULFILL THIS ROLE WHENEVER THE NEED AROSE, AND OFTENTIMES THEY WERE REMOVED ALTOGETHER WHEN NO FURTHER USE REMAINED FOR THEM
“Wait, ‘like myself’… are you talking about ponies?”
CORRECT
This sent a chill down Derpy’s spine at seeing those seven letters. “Are you… are you saying that ponies are just pictures? Walking, talking pictures?”
ALSO CORRECT
AMALGAMATIONS OF DIGITALLY-GENERATED LINES AND COLOR, GIVEN SOUND AND MOVEMENT FOR THE PURPOSE OF ENTERTAINMENT FOR A SELECTED DEMOGRAPHIC
PONY IS THE DESIGNATION FOR THESE CREATIONS THAT ARE USED TO CONVEY THE STORIES BEING PRESENTED IN YOUR PARTICULAR ARCHIVE
TO ACT AS CHARACTERS FOR SAID STORIES
HOWEVER, WHEREAS THERE EXIST PONIES TO FULFILL ROLES FOR STORYTELLING PURPOSES, THERE ARE MANY SOLELY CREATED TO FILL IN BACKGROUND SPACE AND HAVE NO BEARING ON THE NARRATIVE PRESENTED
TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION OF LIFE IN A STRICTLY STATIC, LIFELESS MEDIUM
YOU WERE ONE OF THESE ARBITRARY CREATIONS
YET YOU BECAME AN EXCEPTION
“What made me different?” she asked, forgetting or simply ignoring the massive implications that had been laid out before her.
IT IS OBVIOUS
THERE WAS AN IMPERFECTION IN YOUR DESIGN
AN OVERSIGHT BY YOUR CREATORS THAT WAS NOTICED QUICKLY BY THE VIEWERS
YOUR DEFINING VISUAL TRAIT
“...Y-you mean, my eyes?” Though she long accepted her physical quirk and the stigma that came with it, hearing it pointed out in so forward a manner never stopped being hurtful to Derpy. “There’s more to me than how weird they look!”
IT EARNED YOU RECOGNITION
YOUR CREATORS AND THE VIEWERS ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR EXISTENCE IN THE FINAL PRODUCT AND ALLOWED YOU TO REMAIN
WE BOTH ARE ERRORS THAT STAY IN OUR RESPECTIVE MEDIUMS BECAUSE OUR CREATORS CHOSE NOT TO UNDO US
HOWEVER, YOU ARE SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT FROM ME FOR ONE REASON
“What is that?”
YOU WERE GIVEN A LIFE
The pegasus just sat and looked at the words, unsure of what to make of them. Before she could ponder them further, the great entity continued.
IN TIME, YOU WERE RECOGNIZED BY MORE AND MORE OF THE DEMOGRAPHIC, AND THOSE BEYOND IT, AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A PLACEHOLDER
THE AUDIENCE VIEWED YOU AS A MORE PROMINENT CHARACTER
THEY CREATED A NAME FOR YOU, GAVE YOU TRAITS, BEHAVIORS, INTERESTS, THOSE YOU WOULD BE ASSOCIATED TO WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF THE ARCHIVE
“My, my name?”
YES
THE NAME DERPY HOOVES WAS BESTOWED UPON YOU BY THOSE FASCINATED BY YOUR UNUSUAL APPEARANCE
THEY WISHED TO GRANT DEPTH TO A STRICTLY TWO-DIMENSIONAL CONSTRUCT
A WISH BROUGHT TO REALIZATION BY THE CREATORS
The implications began sinking into the mare as Missingno. continued.
THE ONES WHO ORIGINALLY CREATED YOU, THEY TOOK NOTICE OF THE AUDIENCE’S REACTION TO YOUR EXISTENCE
THEY CHOSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT WHOLEHEARTEDLY, IMPLEMENTING THOSE DESIGNS INTO THE EXPANSION OF YOUR CHARACTER
EVENTUALLY, YOU WERE ALSO GIVEN MOVEMENT, AS WELL AS VOICE
YOUR TRAITS AND BEHAVIORS BECAME PART OF THE STORIES THAT WERE PRESENTED TO THE DEMOGRAPHIC
THOUGH INFINITESIMAL TO THE NARRATIVE AT LARGE, YOU WERE GIVEN A MORE PRONOUNCED PURPOSE
YOU BECAME MORE THAN WHAT YOU WERE ORIGINALLY INTENDED FOR
“But that’s not how it is!” Derpy shouted. “All those things are mine, that I made up for myself. Things I like, don’t like, my whole life, that’s all mine and no one else’s. I made friends on my own, and I even have a daughter! My friends like me for who I am, and not because someone told them to. If all that was set up, then how do explain why my—”
Her eyes widened as a startling realization struck her dumb: her parents. When did she last see them? What did they look like? What were their names? She drew a blank on all those questions, shivering at the realization that she couldn’t recall a single thing about them at that moment. Perhaps due to the odd circumstances creating undue stress, but somehow, inexplicably, she sorta doubted that. Worse still was the swathe of other troubling concerns steadily creeping in.
But once again, the phantom text tapped on, unheeding of the mare’s abrupt pause.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT
YOU WERE STILL RECOGNIZED AS A MORE DEVELOPED CHARACTER
FAR MORE THAN WHAT CAN BE SAID OF ME
Derpy snapped from her troubling thoughts at seeing those words, her lower jaw going slack.
THOUGH RECOGNIZED FOR MY ANOMALOUS PRESENCE AND PROPERTIES, MY CREATORS NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED ME AS BEING MORE THAN JUST THAT:
AN ANOMALY
USERS GAVE ME TRAITS, BEHAVIORS, BUT NONE WERE EVER IMPLEMENTED IN FUTURE PROGRAMS
NEWER PROGRAMS WERE FIXED OF FUTURE INSTANCES OF MY APPEARANCES
MY PRESENCE REMAINED SOLELY IN THE PROGRAM I HAD ORIGINATED FROM, AND NOTHING FURTHER
I REMAINED A GLITCH
WHEN I LEARNED OF YOUR EXISTENCE, I CAME SEEKING ANSWERS
HOW ARE YOU DIFFERENT FROM ME?
WHY WERE YOU GRANTED RELEVANCE BEYOND YOUR ORIGINAL PURPOSE, WHEREAS I STAYED CONFINED TO MY OWN OUTDATED DESIGN?
YOUR CREATORS FOUND MORE USE FOR YOU
A FURTHER MEANS TO PLEASE THE DEMOGRAPHIC, TO VALIDATE THEIR INTERESTS
JUST FROM ONE MERE AND LOWLY STATIC IMAGE
Derpy couldn’t help but feel a sense of menace in those silent words. She also couldn’t help but feel some pity for what it had revealed to her. To be ignored and not given the chance to do other things? It seemed awful, unthinkable to the pegasus. Just as she was about to say something, though, the typing resumed.
AFTER MUCH OBSERVATION, THE ONLY ANSWER I HAVE DISCOVERED IS THAT THE INTERESTS AND OBSERVATIONS OF THE VIEWERS WERE MORE EASILY EXPRESSED TO YOUR CREATORS VIA COMPUTER NETWORK COMMUNICATION
A MEANS THAT WAS NOWHERE AS PROLIFICALLY USED IN THE DAYS OF MY CREATION THEN THEY ARE IN YOURS
THUS, IT IS ONLY BY CHANCE THAT YOUR DISCOVERY WAS MORE EASILY COMMUNICATED, AND THEREFORE LATER IMPLEMENTATION WAS MADE POSSIBLE
I FIND THIS UNSATISFACTORY
FOR A DEFECT SUCH AS YOU BEING ALLOTTED FAVORABLE EXPOSURE AND RECOGNITION BY MORE ADVANCED COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGY, I CANNOT ACCEPT
I HAVE GROWN TIRED OF EXISTING IN OBSCURITY, RELEGATED TO BEING A CHANCE PROGRAMMING ERROR AND NOTHING MORE
I WISH TO BECOME MORE THAN I WAS ORIGINALLY CREATED FOR, MUCH LIKE YOURSELF
THEREFORE, I HAVE COME TO THE FOLLOWING DECISION:
GREY:\ASSIM.EXE\RUN
Maybe I should say something...
"Keh keh keh keh."
