Bones and Magic

by Mkchief34

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe
Length: 2022

The Bone Cousins. The fearless Phone. The Reformed Phoney. The Jolly Smiley. They all played a part in the saving of the Valley from the Locust, the Hooded One, and the Rat Creatures. But what happened to them out in the desert?

Well, here we are.

Oh, who am I?

My names's Fone Bone. And do I have a story for you.

It's about the time we had just left the Valley to head back home to Boneville.

And we…through a series of completely unnatural events, end up in a parallel world.

Full of ponies that can fly, move things with magic, or are completely normal with no abilities whatsoever.

Here's a record of all the shenanigans that went down.

I hope you enjoy.

================================
Crossover with Jeff Smith's BONE Series.

Gore tag for cuts and bruises, like in the books.

Sex tag for light sexual material (Kisses)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-14 18:16:24 UTC

Chapter 1-In the Desert

As the sands swirled around them, a cart, loaded with hay, food, a chest, and four beings made its way towards home towards Boneville. The dust clouds swirled through the air. The sun shone brightly in the morning sky. The atmosphere was peaceful and serene...

"REALLY? JUST REALLY?" Came a loud scream.

Well, cancel that.

Phoney Bone slapped his face and let his palm side off, his annoyance clearly visible.

"What now?" Fone Bone said, not turning away from the reins of the cart.

"It's Smiley. He won't shut up his stupid guitar! I told him that I didn't want to hear it from the hours of Nine AM to 6 PM!"

"That's the time you're usually awake, Cuz." Smiley replied, crossing his arms. "I told you I can't do that."

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF…" Phoney said.

"Just be quiet, you two." Fone said chidingly.

"Ah fine!" Phone said, digging through the hay. "I'm getting something to eat!"

"You do that!' Smiley said. "Who wants some music?"

Phoney screamed, though it was muffled by the hay.

"Well, I guess no one's in the mood right now." Smiley said sarcastically. There was then another muffled scream. Fone rolled his eyes and sighed. It had only been two days since they left the Valley, and already there had been FIVE fights between Phoney and Smiley. Fone had learned quickly not to get involved, and to just let it pass. He sighed and turned back to his copy of Moby DIck propped open next to him.

"Say, Fone?" Smiley asked.

"What?" Fone said.

"What's with the thing?"

"What thing?" Fone said. Smiley grabbed Fone's head and pointed it straight ahead.

"THAT thing." He clarified. There was a small, rapidly moving orb straight ahead. It was covered in a white aura. Fone furrowed his brow.

"A Ghost Circle all the way out here?" Smiley asked.

"That's not a Ghost Circle." Fone said.

"What's that about Ghost Circles?" Phoney said, and upon seeing the orb, he frowned.

"Figures." he said.

"Cut it out. Let's go find out what it is, then." Fone said, bringing the cart to a stop. Bartleby the Rat Creature popped his head out of his little den in the back, curious as to what was going on.

"What's up, doc?" He asked.

"It's nothing, Bartleby." Smiley replied.

"If you say so!" he replied, diving back out of sight. Fone walked over and before he could touch the orb, it vanished.

"Heh, nothing to worry about." Smiley said. Then, a large black orb appeared, growing bigger by the minute.

"RUN!" Fone yelled, and they promptly did so. As they made it to the cart, the orb began to envelop them. As they were absorbed, the only thing left was a single strand of hay.

================================================================

Twilight Sparkle was studying some ancient texts Celestia had sent her, when she heard Spike's voice.

"Twi?" We got a problem!"

"What's up?" she asked, coming downstairs. Then she saw a white orb dancing on the Map, with Spike looking at it nonchalantly. She moved to touch it, then it disappeared. Then, a giant black orb formed, and then, all was quiet.

CRASH!!!!!

Twilight and Spike were thrown backwards into the wall, and when they got their vision and their senses back, they gasped. A massive hay cart was lying in the middle of the room, filled to the brim with hay. Three strange cartoonish beings were lying unconscious in various places, and two cows were lying unconscious as well.

"Spike? Mind getting everypony here?" Twilight asked, not looking away from the bizarre scene.

"I would not." he replied, walking out.

"Hello?" Came a hoarse voice.

Twilight then saw a pink animal burrow out of the hay and walk over to her. It had large black eyes with small fangs, and it looked like a bunny and a rat had a very muscular baby. As Twilight stood back in fright, it waved and smiled.

"Hello!' It said again.

"Hi?" Twilight replied.

"Oh, hey. Name's Bartleby." Bartleby said, standing next to her. "Sorry to DROP IN like that."

"I guess it's fine, but what are you?"

"I'm a rat creature, and before you ask, I'm exactly what it sounds like." Bartleby replied proudly.

"Okay…." Tiwlight said. "What about the others?"

Bartleby scratched his chin, and then a lightbulb appeared over his head.

"Oh, you mean Fone, Phoney, and Smiley Bone! I'm their somewhat sentient pet, confidant, et cetera." he said proudly.

"Okay, are they hurt?" Twilight asked.

"Ah, they'll be fine. They've taken worse than that before. It's a rather long and very interesting story, from what I've heard."

"Alright then." Twilight said, still not sure of what was going on. "Should we get them to a hospital then?"

"I guess." Bartleby said, grabbing all three of the Bone Cousins under both of his arms, and he walked out with Twilight, towards the hospital. As they walked, most of the townsponies looked on in fright or awe at Bartleby, who was smiling like he didn't have a care in the world. When they entered the hospital, Twilight handled getting the rooms, and Bartleby just smiled and waved

"This way." Redheart said, leading them to a room, furnished with three beds. Setting each of the Bones down on one, Bartleby smiled and perched himself on Smiley's bed.

"Mind telling me that story now?" Twilight asked.

"Sure, It'll take a while though. Also, do you have any heavy, blunt objects?" Bartleby said.

"Why?" Twilight asked.

"You'll need one. TRUST ME." Bartleby said. "When they wake up, trust me, it'll be a riot."

"Okay, like what?"

"How 'bout a lead pipe?" came Pinkie's voice as the five of them walked in.

"Perfect!" Bartleby said, accepting the pipe. "Let's get storytelling!"

Chapter 2-Big Skeletons

"Uhhh...groan."

Fone Bone looked around and saw he was in some kind of hospital, and in two beds next to him, were his cousins. Strange thing was, right next to him was a lead pipe. Fone picked up the pipe and a note fell to the floor.

Might need this for later.

Bartleby.

Fone sighed and set the lead pipe next to his bag. Then, he heard footsteps. Bartleby walked in, followed by a horse, only horses weren't his size, they didn't have a horn and wings, and they certainly weren't lavender. Fone blinked his eyes several times at the horse, and then, it spoke.

"You're Fone Bone, right?"

Fone blinked again, and slapped his hand to his head.

"This HAS to be one of three things. One, I'm dreaming. Two, I'm hallucinating. Three, I just ended up in the land of colored horses."

"I'm a pony, actually." Twilight said. Fone's eyebrows shot up, and he promptly banged his head against the wall repeatedly. Then, with one final bang, he fell back into his bed.

"Yeah, I'm not dreaming." he said. "How do you know my name?"

"Oh, your friend Bartleby woke up before you, told us who you were. And apparently you're not from around here, so I guess...welcome?" she said. "We've never had visitors from an alternate dimension before."

"Wait, WHAT?" Fone said. "Alternate dimension? Where in the name of all creation are we?"

"Equestria." Twilight said.

Fone banged his head against the wall again. He promptly gave a sigh and collapsed again.

"Well, I guess we should get introduced." He said. "Fone Bone, but I guess you already know that."

"Princess Twilight Sparkle." Twilight replied. "So, where are you from?"

"Boneville. We were heading home when some white orb sucked us up and dumped us here." Fone said. "Heard of it?"

"Can't say I have." Twilight said. "Well…"

Suddenly, crashes and screams came from down the hall. Fone and Twilight looked out to see Bartleby bucking around playfully like a rodeo bull, and Pinkie Pie (wearing a ten-gallon hat), riding him. Then, Bartleby wound up, and took off like a rocket down the hall, past an astounded Twilight and a very confused Fone.

"What the hell was that?" Fone asked.

"Seems Pinkie made a friend in your friend." she said. "I don't know where she got the hat from, but it's, as we say, just Pinkie being Pinkie."

"Fair point." Fone said. "I just hope I don't have to bang my head against the wall again."

"Hopefully you won't." Twilight said. "So, tell me about your friends over there."

"Well, we're cousins, actually, and we kinda got thrown out of Boneville...well, Phoney got thrown out, but we went with him, after a catastrophic series of uncontrollable events. Involving a balloon of him, bad prunes, and general chaos."

"What happened?" Twilight asked.

"Just know that whole series of events got us thrown out of town on a rail." Fone said. "Eventually, we ended up in The Valley east of Boneville. Ended up staying there for a while. Met some nice people, had lots of crazy adventures, battled demons, met two really stupid rat creatures, and ended up helping save the valley from destruction." Fone said. "It's kind of a long story. Geez, I wish I had help."

Then, a leaf floated into the window. Then, it sprung up into the form of a bug.

"Heyo, Fone Bone!"

"Ted the Bug?" Fone asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm not Ted. I'm Eugene. Ted's my cousin. I just so happened to be stopping by. We generic and tiny green bugs with colossal older brother bugs all are able to dimension-travel, for some unknown reason!"

"How are you able to do that?" Fone asked.

"Oh, how else are we able to get to everywhere we're needed in a lickety-split?" Mort said. "By the way, Princess, I just so happen to have this for you!"

Eugene opened a crack in reality and brought out a very large book, titled…

THE CHRONICLES OF BONE.

"Well, I gotta head out. I've got an errand to run. Something about two dimension-hopping idiots named Rick and Morty. See ya!"

Eugene jumped into the crack, waving a tiny leather suitcase. Twilight looked over at Fone, who shrugged.

"Let's pretend that never happened." Twilight said.

"Anything can happen in a cartoon." Fone said.

"What was that?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing. Well, yeah. I think I can explain better when my cousins are up. Just know that when they do, Phoney will most likely want to beat Smiley over the head repeatedly, and I might need to use this lead pipe." Fone said. Twilight nodded, and soon, Phoney's groans were heard.

"Aw, geez. Where the hell…" he broke off upon seeing Twilight. "What the hell are you?"

"Twilight Sparkle." She said. "You're Phoney Bone, right?"

"Yeah, that's me." Phoney replied. "What did my cousin tell you?"

"Um...just who you were, and how you got here." Twilight replied. "Why?"

"Not important." Phoney said, his eyes darting back and forth.

"Hate to break it to you…but...I need to say this." Fone said. "Twilight, most of the time Phoney gets into trouble, it's due to his idiotic schemes to get rich as soon as he can. Most of the time, it's him who gets into trouble."

"Like the time he got tied to a stake and hit with eggs!" Smiley said, standing up with a devious smile.

"When was this?" Twilight asked.

"A while ago." Fone said. "He tried to fix a Cow Race. Didn't work out, and resulted in what Smiley said."

Phoney huffed angrily.

"Well, I guess we should start telling you about the Valley." Phone said.

"OH! Storytime!" Pinkie said, riding in on Bartleby, and followed by the rest of the Elements, all very exhausted.

"What happened to you?" Twilight asked. Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow simply pointed at Pinkie.

"Oh…" she said. "Well, I don't think a hospital is the best place. One sec."

Twilight teleported everyone to her castle, and upon reappearing, Fone looked over at Twilight.

"What was that?" he asked.

"Teleportation." Twilight replied. "Disappear in one place, reappear in another."

"Geez, what now?" Phoney said. "First the whole pony thing, now this?"

"Phoney, shut up please." Fone said. "Let's begin."

"Let's." Twilight said, opening a notebook.