Dirty Talk

by little big pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Shining Armor, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 3182

Shining and Cadence have a LEWD conservation on the phone

Being away from one's wife can be hard; nopony knows that better than Shining Armor. So when he has to go to Manehattan on business his wife decides to call him to see how he's doing. One thing leads to another and the Royal Couple find themselves having an... intimate phone call.

And by intimate I mean Lewd. Very, very lewd.

Art is from the amazing GASOKU

Published 2015-10-10 20:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-10 20:50:02 UTC

2lewd4U

I really miss my wife…

Though Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire, did his best to listen to General Thunder Thighs go over the finer points of “stabbing ‘em wit’ the pointy end,” the “lecture” just couldn’t manage to keep his attention. This was very odd for the unicorn since he considered himself a stallion that could usually sit through the driest, most lifeless lectures, briefings, and talking-to’s without batting an eyelash.

In fact, it was listening to old stallions prattle on about nothing in particular that had helped him rise to the level of captain of the guard when he was a younger and Princess-less colt!

But Shining’s greatest strength didn’t help him on this day. For you see, the ex-captain hadn’t seen his wife for many, many days, and like most good husbands that were so whipped that they didn’t know what to do with themselves when the missus was away, he missed her. Terribly.

I don’t even know WHY I had to go to this stupid guard convention. I’m not even a guard anymore, I’m a Prince! I have guards that’ll beat up anypony that I want! Shining huffed, crossing his hooves as he sunk into his chair ever so slightly. I didn’t even get a GOOD chair! I got one of those dumb foldout ones!

While the Prince would usually never insult a chair in such a way (some of his best friends were chairs) as stated before, he wasn’t in the right mind at the moment.

He missed his wife. He missed her smile, he missed way that her eyes seemed to sparkle in the sunlight whenever she smiled, and he missed the way that she would yell at him whenever he forgot to put his drinks on a coaster.

Poor Shining Armor had a sickness, and the only prescription was more cow—er his wife. He needed to see his wife again, or at the very least hear from her.

Two days without seeing or hearing your wife would be rough for any… It would be rough for any Shining Armor.

I swear to Celestia that I wouldn’t even be this mad if this dumb event was only for a day or two. But nooooooo! For some stupid reason it had to be THREE days! THREE!

Now grumbling quietly, Shining looked down at his royal vestments. “Stupid convention… stupid itchy vest… stupid chair…”

The Prince might have gone on grumbling to himself for another five minutes or so before one of the stallions next to him would have politely shushed him, but as luck would have it fate would smile upon Shining today and grant him his wish.

Though maybe not in the way that he intended.

“Shining Armor, Sir.”

Shining paused mid grumble to look up over his one and only personal guard Sergeant Jawbreaker. “Is there something wrong, Jawbreaker?” he asked, sitting up straight in his chair. “Was I slouching too much? Do I have something on my vest? Wait, am I in my underwear?!”

Sergeant Jawbreaker barely batted an eyelash as he watched his Prince start to breathe heavily whilst looking around in panic. “Sir no sir, I just wanted to inform you that your wife is on the phone and she wants to speak with—“

“Cadence?!”

Ignoring the outraged cry of the guard sitting to his right Shining hopped out of his chair, sending it flying and nearly taking one of the convention workers heads off, and grabbed his guard by his chest plate and started violently shaking him.

“Is there something wrong?! Do I need to return to the Empire immediately? PLEASE TELL ME THAT I HAVE TO RETURN TO THE EMPIRE IMMEDIATELY!”

Sergeant Jawbreaker took his Prince’s abuse with a stoic and collected expression even while his armor rattled and his helmet fell off of his head. The Sergeant also didn’t shy away as dozens of guards and even the speaker up on the podium quietly watched the commotion in front of them with silent shock and confusion. He did however, though in the privacy of his own mind, wonder why he didn’t just go to cooking school like his mother wanted.

“Sir no sir, from what her Majesty told me she just wanted to speak to you if you weren’t doing anything—“

“I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! SO COME ON LETS GO LETS GO LETS GO!!!”

Ignoring the irritated, annoyed, and uncomfortable looks all around him Shining started to drag his guard out of the giant room.

The Sergeant’s helmet was later found in one of the convention’s many bathrooms stuffed to the nose guard with wet tissue paper. But that was a story for another time.

If he would have been a Pegasus Shining Armor would have floated out of that room, so happy was he. After all of this time, after all of the agonizing panels about pepper spray and the seven best ways to whack evil-doers with batons, he would finally get the chance to talk to his wife!

His spirit soared and his heart fluttered as he thought of hearing his wife’s lovely, wonderful voice. “Come on Sergeant! We don’t want to keep my honey bunny waiting!”

Sergeant Jawbreaker watched his Prince skip through the convention center’s hallway with the same expression as one who was about to face the gallows. “Sir, could you please contain yourself? I’m sure that the Princess would be happy to hear from you at a later time.”

“Contain myself? Sergeant, I have no idea what you’re talking about! I’m as cool as the other side of the pillow and—”

“MY LEG!”

“…Sir, it appears that you’ve just trampled a random bystander…”

Shining stopped mid skip to look behind him at the pony rolling around on the floor groaning in pain.

“Huh, so I did…”

Scratching his chin the unicorn looked down at the pony for a moment longer before a smile once again wormed its way onto his face.

“He shall be remembered as a fallen hero that paved the way for a lovesick stallion!”

“…Sir, the pony is still ali—“

“Come Sergeant! Love waits for no pony!”

The walk back through the Manehattan streets was an… interesting one. Business pony to noble to bum alike got to watch as the Prince of the Crystal Empire pranced down the city’s sideways like a lunatic with an emotionless/ dead-on-the-inside guard trailing behind him. While such a sight would have usually turned a few heads this was Manehattan, a city that bred some of the weirdest and oddest ponies in history, so the scene barely caused a raised eyebrow.

Oh I hope that my Cady’s alright, Shining thought as he hopped around a pair of bums and a mare that was loudly demanding that he buy her mixtape. Maybe she just really missed me too… yeah, that’s probably it. She must have just missed me and wanted to call to see how I was doing…

Shining couldn’t help but shake the feeling that something could in some way, maybe, hopefully not be wrong so he hurried up and ran toward his hotel, tackled two random ponies in his haste to get into the establishment, and raced up the sixteen flights of stairs (he had been too impatient to use the elevator) to his penthouse suite all in the span of eleven minutes and thirty-seven seconds.

“Come on, come on, open you stupid door!”

Sergeant Jawbreaker, who had the good sense to wait the ten seconds for the elevator to come down in the lobby, beating his Prince to their destination, coughed loudly and produced the suite’s key card. “Sir, I believe that you’ll be needing this.”

Not looking over his shoulder, Shining snatched the key card out of his bodyguard’s hooves and jammed it into the door’s automated lock, throwing open the door and racing through it a second later.

Panting like a race horse, the Prince charged into the bedroom and ran over toward the suite’s telephone. Come on, come on, hurry up! Shining thought, trotting in place like he had just drank a gallon of sweet tea and there was no bathroom in sight. Pick up the phone! Stop ringing and connect for Celestia’s sake!

Looking over at the clock right next to the telephone, Shining saw, to his utter dismay, that over ten seconds had passed without him hearing his wife’s voice. Were he a weaker stallion such a length of waiting time would have broken his already fledging spirit completely.

Finally, Shining could hear the phone connect, and a smile came to his face when he heard his wife’s lovely, lovely voice at the other end of the line. “Hello? Hello? Is this another salespony? Because if it is I do not want anything that you’re—“

“Cadence, honey, it’s me Shining!” Shining cried.

The phone was silent for nearly three seconds (another hellish amount of time for poor, poor Shining) when a happy little giggle came from the other end of the line.

“Oh hello Hon! I was expecting to hear from you later today!” the Princess of Love said, love and warmth as clear as a summer day in her voice. “How’s Manehattan? Do you miss me?”

Shining was about to break into his patented “husband talk” and smother his wife with honey bunnies and sweetie pies and snookums, but then he remember that the Sergeant was there. While the bodyguard was a good stallion in every and all situations, he had neither the training or obligation to hear any of that, and Shining couldn’t in good conscious let his sworn guard suffer through that.

“Could you hang on for a second, Hon?” Covering the bottom of the phone the Prince looked over at his faithful guard. “Sergeant, you are dismissed, please return to your room. I’m going to have a nice long conversation with my wife.”

If the order pleased the Sergeant he didn’t show it, Jawbreaker tiredly saluting with just a hint of a sigh. “Sir yes sir.”

With his guard dealt with Shining turned his attention back to the phone and his wife. “Sorry about that, Hon, I just had to speak to Jawbreaker for a moment.”

The musical masterpiece that was Cadence’s laugh once again graced Shining’s ears. “Oh it’s fine snookums. Now tell me all about Manehattan!”

Shining sighed. “The city’s really nice and the ponies are alright but to be honest… I’m really missing you right now, Cadence.”

Cadence awed, and for the briefest moment Shining could imagine that she was just about to lean in to give him a comforting nuzzle. “Aw, I miss you too, Shiny. The castle seems a bit more empty than usual without you around… my little gumdrop~”

Shining twitched as he heard his wife’s voice change. No longer was it the cheery, happy tone that he knew and loved. The Ruler of the Crystal Empire’s voice was huskier, hungrier than it had been a moment ago.

“W-Well I’m g-going to be here for another day m-more and w-we’ll be together, C-Cady,” the Prince said, not able to keep the stutter out of his voice.

Once again Cadence giggled, though this time it sounded far less innocent. “Well I’m looking forward to seeing you, Snuggle-Bums~” she purred. “And I can’t wait to have a little… fun with you when you do get back~”

Gripping the phone like his life depended on it, a red-faced Shining looked over his shoulder at the door. Though he was the first to admit that he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed he was pretty sure that he knew where this was going, and if it was going where he thought it was going then it would be best not to have anypony around.

Seeing that the door wasn’t about to be thrown open the Prince magically locked the door and placed a soundproof spell onto it for good measure before he turned his attention back to the phone.

“O-Oh? And what fun are the two of us going to have?” he asked eagerly, already sounding a bit breathless.

Cadence hummed thoughtfully. “Well~, I was thinking that the two of us could spend the day together, you’d take me out to a nice restaurant, we’d go and play in the park for a little while—“

Shining leaned foward as he listened to the velvet softness that was his wife’s voice. In the silence of the room he swore he could hear the pounding of his own heart as a swarm of butterflies flew around in his stomach. Eagerness wrestled with fear as his wife described the day that the two would have together down to the most minut detail.

Idly, he wondered if his phone might have been bugged. He was a Prince, a pretty important pony if he did say so himself, so it very well could be that somepony was listening right now to this teasing and toying…

“—And maybe after that the two of us could go back to our room, we could lock the doors and close the blinds, sit on our bed, and hold hooves all night long~”

An eager whimper escaped Shining’s throat at the sheer vulgarity that he just heard.

“Or, if you want my Sweetie Pie, we could write each other love letters~”

The Prince pulled at his collar as sweat began to drip from his face. He hadn’t heard his wife talk like that since they’re honeymoon, and to be honest it was really doing things for him. But he needed more; he needed to take this just a little further.

“Y-Yeah? Well… I-I wanna hold hooves with you in p-public.”

A surprised gasp escaped Cadence’s throat, which was followed by another little giggle. “With ponies watching?” the alicorn purred.

Shining nodded, trying to ignore the fact that his body was starting to shake with need. “I-I wanna hold h-hooves with you in f-front of a hundred ponies, Dear.”

Cadence let out a coo. “Oh you dirty little colt you! Saying all of these dirty things over the phone! What if somepony heard you?”

Trying to reign in his rapidly growing need to see the mare that was winding him up like this, the Prince grinned. “Then I’d tell them that after h-holding your hoof I’d give you Eskimare k-kisses!”

A low, eager groan could be heard from the other end of the line. “I’d give you Eskimare kisses right back, Baby! And I’d even nuzzle your cheek that way you really like!”

Shining closed his eyes and bit his lip as he let his dirty, dirty wife’s words wash over him. The mental picture of him and his wife committing all sorts of debauchery came to his mind unabated.

Holding hooves while noblemare and commoner alike watched with wide eyes, the two of them sitting in the park sharing a milkshake with the same straw, hoof holding and nuzzle and kisses, everything and anything dirty and improper flashed through his mind’s eye, each dirtier and raunchier than the last.

Finally, squirming in place and as red as a fire hydrant, Shining couldn’t hold it in anymore. “Oh Cady! I swear to Celestia when I get home I’m going to kiss you right on the lips!”

Another groan escaped the Princess of Love’s mouth. “Shining, I swear to the stars above when your butt gets back here I’m going to cuddle you until the sun comes up! I’m going to cuddle you so bucking hard that you’ll never want to get out of our bed!

“Well when I get back there I’m going to hug you right in the throne room!”

“I’ll hug you and give you kisses on both cheeks!”

“Oh Cadence!”

“Oh Shining!”

The two royals were silent for a few minutes after that, both Cadence and Shining attempting to catch their breath.

It had been a long, long time since the land of Equestria had witnessed such vulgarity and filth. Why if such dirty words would have been heard by anypony else there would have been an uproar not seen in at last thirty or forty-five days.

Mare and stallion alike could have maybe, possibly sent the royals an angry letter, a mothers’ group might have complained, the general populace could have even started speaking about it in marketplace and barber shop alike!

Finally Shining managed to clear his throat and speak up. “…W-Wow, Cady… That was…”

“Hehe… I’m sorry if I went a little overboard, Shiny… I was just really—“

“No No! It was fine!” the ex-captain shakily insisted, nearly dropping his phone. “In fact… I really kind of liked it…”

The other end of the line was silent for a minute or two after that. “…You did? I didn’t push it too far?”

“You couldn’t push anything too far with me, Honey,” Shining said, desperately wishing that his wife was here so he could nuzzle her. “...Well, almost nothing…”

A relieved laugh escaped Cadence’s throat. “Well good, Hon. And don’t you worry, the two of us are going to have plenty of fun when you get back~”

Before Shining could answer his love the phone went dead, leaving the Prince frozen in place for a few moments before he awkwardly chuckled, tugging at his collar. “Whoo… Now I can’t wait to get hom—“

The Prince froze when he heard something shuffling around at the other end of the suite. The raging fire of love that had been boiling in his stomach turned ice cold as he looked over to see Sergeant Jawbreaker looking back at him with dead eyes.

Both stallions held the awkward, awkward stare before, with a yelp, Shining slammed the phone down onto the counter and scrambled away from it. “SERGEANT! WHAT IN CELESTIA’S NAME ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!”

The Sergeant blinked slowly, carefully, weighing his words as if each syllable was worth its weight in gold. “We share a room, Sir.”

“WELL WHY ARE YOU— Ohh…” Biting his lip, Shining looked everywhere but toward his guard. “Well… What did you hear?”

Jawbreaker was silent for a long, long time as he just stared at his Prince, the pony that he had sworn to protect with life and limb, the ruler of his people, and one of the ponies who helped free the Empire from the Tyrant King.

“…I didn’t hear a thing my Prince,” the guard finally said, walking over to his bed and hopping up on it.

Though both of the stallions knew that that was a big fat lie neither dared say a word as the Sergeant wiggled under the covers and closed his eyes, silently praying that his dreams wouldn’t be filled with the stuff that five year old puppy dog love was made of.

In the back of his mind Jawbreaker remembered that there was a good chance that he would be spending many, many years serving his Prince as his personal bodyguard. While such a thought would have at once brought him joy, now it only filled him with dread. Terrible, terrible dread.

“I didn’t hear one gosh darn thing…”