SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!

by UglyTurnip

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Random, Shining Armor, Crossover, Human
Length: 1198

What starts out as a bonding experience between Twilight and Shining Armor quickly takes a turn for the insane when a strange man emerges from the woods, and he only has one simple request.

Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor were just minding their own business on the edge of the Everfree Forest.

But suddenly, a man they've never seen before steps out of the woods. His request? For one of them to shoot him in the face.

Where did he come from? Who is he? Why does he want to be shot in the face?

Who cares? Just shoot him in the face.

Published 2015-10-10 21:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-10 21:20:02 UTC

WHAT TIME IS IT!? FACE-SHOOTING O'CLOCK!

"Thanks for helping me practice my archery skills, BBBFF, it's really nice to just hang out with you again," Twilight smiled at Shining.

The two siblings stood at the edge of the Everfree Forest, far from town and any other living creatures. Nearby were two bows and quivers full of arrows. One of them bore Shining's cutie mark, the other merely a spare. It was a clear Saturday morning, and Twilight had scheduled this day to be spent with her brother. Ever since she had seen The Hunger Games back in the mirror world, she had the strangest inkling to practice archery.

Shining smiled back and gave her a light, playful noogie. "It's nothing, Twily. I'm sorry I couldn't do this any earlier, but running a kingdom is hard work,"

He levitated his bow and quiver and glanced at the trees. "What made you want to learn archery, anyway?"

"Oh, I just thought that it would be an interesting skill to have," Twilight lied, a small blush appearing on her face.

"That's great, Twily," Shining put his hoof around his sister. "I'm sure you'll be a great shot in no time!"

"DID SOMEBODY SAY SHOT!?"

The voice came from inside the Forest and caused both of them to jump. It was a shout, as if the person was distressed.

"Please tell me you heard that," Twilight broke the following silence.

"Is somepony there? We're practicing archery."

"ARCHERY!? THAT'S GREAT, WAIT UP!"

The bushes in front of them rustled, and out stepped what Twilight immediately recognized as a human, except he was wearing a strange mask that covered his face and emitted a sinister red light from his eyes. He sported a large, spiky mohawk that gave him an even more intimidating appearance. He was shirtless, showing off his bulk, and the only clothes he wore besides his mask were a pair of tan pants and boots.

Twilight immediately did not trust this man. "What do you want?"

"IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY! IT WILL ONLY TAKE A FEW SECONDS!"

He was still shouting at a volume rivaling that of the Royal Canterlot voice, causing Twilight to wince a little.

"Can you be a little less loud?" Shining asked the strange man, a hint of aggression in his voice.

"IF YOU DO WHAT I ASK, I WILL NEVER SPEAK AGAIN! I PROMISE!"

"Then what is it?" Shining questioned, backing up ever so slightly.

"I WANT YOU TO SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!"

There was a moment of silence as the two ponies tried to process the strange request. Meanwhile, the man danced around, pointing to his mask. He wasn't coming any closer, but his spastic movements were making both Twilight and Shining uncomfortable.

"Did you just say you wanted us to shoot you in the face?"

"WOW, YOU'RE SLOW! YES, SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! NOT THE KNEE, NOT THE CHEST, NOT THE ELBOW! IN THE FACE!" He once again gestured with both fingers to his mask, only this time they were in the shape of guns. "I WON'T SHUT UP UNTIL YOU SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!"

"Sir, are you on drugs?" Shining asked, getting more weirded out by the second.

"NO, I'VE BEEN CLEAN FOR YEARS, NOW SHOOT ME IN THE GODDAMN FACE! WHAT TIME IS IT? FACE SHOOTING O'CLOCK!!!"

"Sir, we're not shooting you in the face."

"WHY THE HELL NOT!? YOU TWO AREN'T VERY NICE! ALL I WANT IS TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE! HEY DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A JOKE!? KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE!? SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! END OF JOKE! WHY HAVEN'T YOU SHOT ME YET!?"

"Twilight?" Shining quietly whispered.

"Yeah?"

"This is weird."

"He's nuts."

"NUTS!? NO, SMALL COLORFUL HORSE, YOU'RE NUTS FOR NOT SHOOTING ME IN THE FACE YET!"

That was when Twilight noticed that there was fresh blood on the psycho's mask, which further unnerved her.

"Shiny?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we should shoot him in the face."

Shining turned to her and gave her a face that was a mixture of genuine confusion and stubborn denial. "Twilight, are you crazy!?"

"YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND AND SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! I'M GONNA SING A SONG, SHOOT ME IN THE FACE AT THE END! DA DA DA DA DA, BONG!"

"Sir, please calm down!" Shining continued to reason with the suicidally crazy man.

"I'LL CALM DOWN WHEN YOU SHOOT ME IN THE FACE, WHICH I NOTICED YOU HAVEN'T YET! CURIOUS AS TO WHY!"

His voice then turned quiet, calm, and rational. "Maybe you're weighing the moral pros and cons, but let me assure you- OH GOD SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! I WANTED A BULLET, BUT AN ARROW WILL DO JUST FINE! JUST DO IT AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE FOREVER! DON'T YOU WANT TO SHOOT A POOR MAN DOWN ON HIS LUCK IN THE FACE!?"

Twilight couldn't take it anymore and used her magic to grab her bow and quiver. It was time to end this madness.

"Twilight, you aren't actually gonna-"

"Shoot him in the face? Yeah, I am."

The madman jumped up and down like an excited little child. "YES, PURPLE HORSE, YES! DO IT! PUT AN ARROW IN MY BRAIN!"

Twilight hesitatingly drew her bow back and loaded the arrow.

"Are you sure you want this?" Shining asked one more time to the crazy man.

"ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED!? I'VE BEEN STANDING HERE FOR THE PAST MINUTE AND A HALF TRYING TO GET YOU TO SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! OF COURSE I WANT THIS! NOW GET ON WITH IT!"

Twilight shot, but her archery skills were lackluster, and the arrow went into the madman's shoulder. However, the man didn't even flinch.

"THAT'S NOT MY FACE, PURPLE HORSE! TRY AGAIN!"

Shining took the bow from Twilight. "Here Twily, I'll do it."

Shining glanced one more time at the man, then drew back with an arrow.

"Goodbye, weird suicidal freak," he nodded.

"GET ON WITH IT!" The psycho practically begged.

The arrow flew through the air and struck the man right between the eyes, piercing his mask and skull. He instantly collapsed into the bushes behind him, and did not speak anymore. Twilight and Shining walked over to his body.

"THANK YOU!" Exclaimed the man gratefully, even though he should have already been dead. It didn't matter though, because he died right after saying that.

For the longest time, the two siblings stared at each other, then at the dead man, then at the wound. His eyes still glowed, but it was clear that this man would never bother anypony else.

"You know what?" Twilight finally spoke. "I don't think I want to learn archery anymore."

Shining nodded, and levitated the body where it could not be seen. "I don't blame you, that was the weirdest experience of my life. How about we just grab some hayburgers, instead?"

Twilight smirked. "You read my mind."

The two of them grabbed their arrows and quivers, though Shining did not bother to remove the arrow from the dead man.

"Oh, and by the way," Shining stopped Twilight mid-stride. "Let's never speak about this to anypony else."

Twilight smiled with relief. "Agreed."