I woke up.

How the heck did I wake up? I should have been dead. My body turned to grime and gristle. A bad day for a street sweeper. Harry had won. He had killed me in the human world and now, in Equestria he had finished the job. Damn him. Damn him all to heck.

It was dark. Opening my eyes I couldn't see anything... but the dark. Was this heck? Was I in purgapony? What would become of my new nation? Without me, it might disintegrate. All the hard work I had done. Gone...

I would have cried, but I was too much of a man for that. Boys don't cry. I remembered my jorney here. I remembered the mountainside, Rainbow dying. I remembered the Princesses allowing me to stay, to protect the land. I could remember my stint as a writer, chris, my best friend. I recall Scoots, getting into a relationship with her (18) wait she was... wait... things were... well... I recall curry and my friend's pear and... wait I was in the Vietnam war? But I was twenty... no that couldn't be right.

My brain was starting to feel numb. What was going on? What were memories? "Okay, just remember day one in Equestria. How did I get here?" The voice of Fluttershy called to me. Harry had mudered me. My comrade. The traitor to the glorious army of the United States of Amareicae. Applejack then walked me... no, wait. Applejack? But didn't Flutteryshy? Shit. I met the Mane 6, Rainbow... I didn't feel anything then. Why? She's my everything, the only reason I draw breath, or drew breath anyway.

Elusive hooked me up with a dress. A dress? WAIT!! Elusive? A male, but he kissed me? I wasn't gay! No, I was a woman, or was I a man? But why did I? What was going on!? Rainbow came to see me. She wanted to show off how she was the coolest. I'm so glad she did, I remember starting to like. No. LOVE HERE. Pinkie was on Cocaine? The show never had drugs? In fact, the show never had anything like this!? Where did I get fedoras, guns or mech suits? No matter how dapper I looked in both attires. Did I black out? But was I already unconcious? Was I a detective? Who did I love? Did any of this even happen? Did I murder Apples? Did I kill Twilight? I wasn't a killer, I loved everyone. I was in the military for chrischan's sake, I served to protect people from America by fighting overseas with American pride and guns.

"Did you?"

The voice called to me, in the darkness as a mirage-like shimmer materialized before me, slicing through the darkness. "Hey," the image of a small creme pony called to me, though the color was washed, like that of a ghost from Star Wars episode 6 post-re-realase. I looked down. It was a colt, and by the looks of the cutie mark and the color, it was probably me as a colt.

"So I am dead. Is this why I have bizarre and unreal memories?" I asked, wondering if purgatory punishes you like hell. I'd tried to live a noble life. I thought that I did my best to stay above par, even though I was targeted for my beliefs (ponies).

"That's the thing. You were never targeted, and you never had those memories to begin with," the phantom said. I hadn't told him anything! How could he understand my thoughts? "Tell me SiegeFire, do you feel loved? Even better. Do we feel loved?"

I shook my head, sitting down on my haunches. "Of course, I feel loved. Rainbow will always be my special somepony. What do you mean 'we' then? Are you like, me as a kid or something? Is this like when AJ had flashbacks to her family reunions? But I was never a colt. I was a boy, a human boy."

"You were never a pony, or should I say, you are not a pony now. This, isn't REAL!"
"I know it's not real little me, ghosts don't exist. This place is just some sort of mental fantasy? I need to return to Rainbow and my kingdom. NO, I need to... murder... why are my memories so confused!?"

I felt distressed. Nothing made sense, I tasted bile in my throat and a dark aura hung around me.

"Rainbow won't give you real love Steven, and this place won't provide sanctuary forever. You have a darkness. Our darkness. Isn't it interesting you seem to have seven or thirteen different memories? All inconsistent, and the further you recall, the more bizarre and horrifying it is to you? You recall murdering Twilight and AJ? The horrifying act of taking life, the pleasure you derived from your actions. You recall your sick little war games, murdering innocent Yaks for what? For a false patriotism? Even more so, you have a sycophantic love of the military, to the point that it is above anything and everyone.

"You are consumed by it."

I shook my head. "So... what, this is my dreams? The dying thoughts of a military brony? Equestria isn't real? It's just my mind, my fantasies... but I love everypony, I am not a hateful person. I would never kill?"

"These are your repressed desires. Your sick fantasies born fruit. You made your identity around the military and ponies. You see heroism above the reality. Good soldiers are ones that follow orders and toe-the-line. In war, that can be a horrible thing. You viewed Rainbow as a human like some sort of Goddess. You fawned after her. A relationship that can never be, a perfect idealization that bred hatred to other women and yourself. In this place, you started to do the same, and it only got worse, until you reached here."

My eyes widened "But... Scootaloo and that memory of me being kissed by a male? I'm not..."

"Well some part of you clearly is. As I say, you're demented, you have an unhealthy mindset and have never been told 'no,' you claim to be a victim, when many around you have tried to help you over the years. Your self awareness is so lacking, a part of your psyche is now talking to you in the last remaning good part of your mind."

Looking around I saw nothing but darkness. "This can't be true. YOU'RE LYING!" I screamed and threw a hoof in the darkness, tears streaming down my face as my hoof passed harmlessly through the apparition, the darkness seeming to move.

"Let me guess? Denial? Are you the victim still? Maybe Harry is to blame for this one as well? It couldn't possibly be you Steven. Siegefire. Scarlet Fire. You're just a military brony who became a pony in Equestria. How convinient that in every memory. You're the hero. The star. The one who gets the girl, away with it and the sickening desires of a narcissistic pervert."

Hanging my head in shame, I collapsed, floating in the darkness, I felt myself sinking. Any moment now I would probably start to drown. Drown in the poison of my imagination. The poison I had been taking for years.

"Please... I can be better. I don't want to be the person you're describing. We can be better. I want to love and laugh. I want to have a relationship and not a fictitious one. I don't want to be a Monster, or a hero, I just want to be Steven, or Siegefire or whatever! Please help me!"

I was begging, sniveling, groveling. The silhouette of me did not show emotion or empathy. Remaining composed, looking down upon me with level eyes. "Maybe there is still time. You could turn this around. There is no forgiving the way you've acted, but you can in time forget it. Learn to love yourself, learn to be better and to be healthier in mind and spirit.

I nodded enthusiastically "I can do all of that, I can change! Let me go back! To the start please!"

The darkness moved faster now, appearing to take form. Mauve, dark blues and then finally greys and whites, light breaking through in spots, the apparition turning into a golden light and rising above my head. "Maybe with time we can both become the person we wanted. But we have a lot to do, and you have a lot to prove... to yourself and to others. But you won't be alone. We'll do this together."

With an explosion of bright white light, I felt my entire face on fire, giving the name Siegefire some zing. The darkness was gone, my mind was clear and I woke up on the ground. It was the plaza of my Empire, the nation of my creation. The nation of a sickness. A fascist power-fantasy of someone who thought they could control others. Mares bodies, stallions minds. Could kill callously and create fear.

So why was I back here? What needed to be done?

Looking up at the balcony I saw harry, 1000m up laughing still. He was the first port of call, but afterward I would fix this. The sickness around me.

The sickness... inside me.

I wasn't a victim, and Harry was going to know that.

Maybe I need to get rid of the root of how I see myself. I had a suspicion that Harry was that root.

~And it was gardening time.

Author's Note

Hey guys, I know this one isn't very good. It's to be honest my worse chapter to date. I feel like I'm getting writers block or something or something. I had this whole thing with Sledgefire going to war with the Gryphons but I just feel so tired these days. Like everyday feels like the same. I can't escape.

Anyway, hope you like.

Haters frick off.

Waiting on the next Sonichu comic to pick me up, confused why cHrist hasn't posted in a few

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