When Your Face Meets This Dictionary

by Sailor_Pluto

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 961

Twilight hits Rainbow in the face with a dictionary.

Twilight and Rainbow have been drinking buddies for quite some time now. Every Friday, they go out to a bar for a couple of hours and forget the troubles of the day.

But on this particular Friday, Rainbow's being even more of an ass than usual. So Twilight does what any sane pony would have done in this situation:

Smacks her friend in the face as hard as she can with a dictionary.

Rated Teen for language and a very drunk Rainbow Dash.

Published 2015-10-11 23:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-11 23:20:02 UTC

OMIGOSH, I'M SO SORRY! Actually, no. No I'm not.

Rainbow sat at the bar, slumped partway over, staring with wide eyes at Twilight. A massive red mark was apparent under her rainbow bangs. Twilight gulped, then slowly lowered the large book she had in her hooves.

"Rainbow..."

"What the HELL?!" Rainbow burst out, drawing attention from most of the other occupants of the bar. "What was that for?!"

"Y-you were annoying me, so..."

"SO YOU DECIDED TO JUST SMACK ME IN THE FACE WITH A BOOK?!" Rainbow howled.

"It's a dictionary, to be exact..."

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!!!" Rainbow screeched, eyes burning with fury. "YOU DON'T JUST RANDOMLY SMACK A MARE IN THE FACE WITH A THICK BOOK LIKE THAT! WHY THE HELL DO YOU EVEN HAVE THAT?!"

Twilight bit her lip. "I just needed to return this to someface; somePONY, I meant!"

"YOU WERE TRYING TO RETURN IT TO MY FACE?! WHAT THE HELL, DOES IT LOOK LIKE MY FACE CRAPPED THAT THING OUT?!"

"Y-you, well...um..."

"DO THINK I JUST CRIED FOR NO REASON ONE DAY, AND THEN BAM, THIS FREAKING DICTIONARY FALLS OUT OF MY EYES?! EH?! IS THAT IT?!"

"Rainbow, you're drunk."

"STOP DODGING THE QUESTION!" Rainbow screamed. She leaned in close to Twilight's face. "Tell me, little miss book goddess! DID MY FACE SHIT THAT FUCKING THING OUT?!"

"...No, Rainbow. Your face did not...poop...that...freaking thing out."

"THEN WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO RETURN IT TO ME?!"

"I was-"

"ANSHWER ME, BITCH!"

Suddenly, the nervous Twilight that had been there disappeared, replaced with a mare who had they eyes of death. "If you don't shut up, Rainbow, I will return this book to your face again. And again. And again." Twilight blinked, eyes of death gone. "Huh. I may be drunk myself."

Rainbow got up on the bar top and stood on her hind legs in a fighting stance. "TRY ME, BITCH!"

"Rainbow..."

"I WILL FUCKING TAKE YOU DOWN!!!" Rainbow screamed. "COME AT ME!"

"No, Rainbow. I'm not going to fight you. Come down now." Twilight looked at her with pleading eyes. "You might hurt yourself. Please?"

"PLEASE?!" Rainbow shrieked. She looked to her right, at the stallions who were sitting in the booth behind her and staring at her as though she were a maniac. "DID YOU HEAR THIS BITCH?! NOW SHE ASKIN' ME TO PLEASE GET HURT! LIKE, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SHIT IS THAT?!" The stallions all slide over in their seats to get as far away from her as possible.

"Y'ALL ARE A BUNCH OF WUSSES, YA HEAR ME?!" She screamed at them. "CAN'T EVEN AGREE WITH A KIND-HEARTED MARE LIKE ME!!! WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID THAT MISS BITCH OVER HERE'S GONNA BEAT THE LIVIN' SHIT OUTTA YOU?!"

"That mare is crazy," One of them whispered to his friend.

"I CAN HEAR YOU!!! SO SHUT THE HELL UP, OR I'LL BEAT THE LIFE OUTTA YOU, TOO!"

"First you claim I'm going to beat them, then you decide you'll be the one to do it?" Twilight asked. "Come on, Rainbow, just get down from there."

"NOT UNTIL YOU FIGHT ME, BITCH!!!"

"For the last time, Rainbow, I'm NOT GOING TO FIGHT YOU!"

"BLAH BLAH BLAH, MISS DIPSHIT!" Rainbow taunted weakly (but powerfully in her eyes). "IF YOU AIN'T GON' FIGHT ME, WHO WILL?!"

"...No one will, Rainbow." Twilight said, started gain embarrassment. "Come on, come down..."

"I AM THE BEST WONDERBOLT THERE IS!" Rainbow screamed, pawing at the air. "SO COME AT ME! SOMEPONY, ANYPONY!"

Twilight face-hooved. "Oh...my gosh...why did I let this happen?"

Rainbow started singing a weird theme song she came up with on the spot about herself. "Rainbow Dash, it's Rainbow Dash. The best fucking Wonderbolt to fly the skiiiiiiiiiiies!!! So fucking amazing you won't believe your eyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!" She struck a pose. "It's Daring Do!"

"You just said you were Rainbow Dash!" Said one of the ponies watching from the crowd.

"I AM WHO I AM, SO SHUT THE HELL UP, WHOEVER YOU ARE!" Rainbow screamed. "I AM BOTH RAINBOW DASH AND DARING DO!!! RAINBOW DO!" She laughed. "AND I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT WORSE THAN HAVIN' SOME BITCH SMACK ME ON THE HEAD WITH A BOOK, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, SO THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN!"

"Who...are you talking to, exactly?" Some other pony asked.

"EVERYPONY! SO FIGHT ME!!!"

"Rainbow, this is the last time I am saying this!" Twilight said, smacking one of her forehooves on the bar top. "Come down NOW, before you hurt yourself!"

"NO WAY IN HELL, BITCH!"

"I can use my magic to get you off of there, you know!"

"THEN I'LL JUST GET RIGHT BACK UP!!!" Rainbow drunkly laughed. "I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!! AND NOTHING WILL EVER GET ME DOWN!" She stopped, then sniffed the air. "Oh my..." She climbed down as slowly and carefully as her drunken body would allow her, then stumbled over to a stallion who had a steaming-hot burrito in front of him. "Excuse me, sit, might I trouble you for a bite of that?"

"Who are you?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. "No, you can not have a bite of this!"

"Fuck you, I'm taking it." Rainbow snatching the burrito off the plate and downed it in one gulp. Then she sauntered back over to the counter and climbed back up. "I'M BACK, BABY!" She glared down at Twilight. "AND I'M BETTER THAN EVER, SO FIGHT ME, BITCH!"

Wordlessly, Twilight picked the dictionary back up and hit her friend in the back of the legs with it. Rainbow toppled to the ground with a disturbingly loud "THUMP."

Twilight smirked. "K.O."

Author's Note

This was inspired by...I don't know what, actually. It just sort of came to me.

Hope you liked it!