Diamond Tiara Runs For President of Equestria
Make Equestria Great Again
A Few Years From Now…
In the city of Manehattan, the international businessmare Diamond Tiara sat on the top story of one of her towering hotels. Her last name graced the side of it, letting all of the residents of the city know exactly whose it was, just in case they forgot.
As Diamond Tiara sat at her desk, a newspaper floated in her magic. Not her magic, her magic, but the magic of the unicorn butler that she had hired to hold stuff for her. His name was Floatrence. Diamond’s gleaming tiara sat upon her head, the shiny cherry atop her perfectly-styled hair. Other ponies would kill to have that hair. A cup of coffee floated up to her lips, as she read some of the news headlines:
EQUESTRIA SUCKS!
• Millions of ponies unemployed
• Illegal burro crime wave overtaking cities
• Parties ruined by cheap Chineighse confetti
She nearly spit out her coffee.
“Randolph!” she shouted.
No answer.
“RANNNNNDOOOOOLLLPPH!” she shouted again.
“Uh, Miss Tiara... Randolph has been dead for thirty years,” said Floatrence.
Tiara slumped down in her chair and sighed as she remembered the unfortunate passing of her family’s butler. Sometimes, she could almost still hear the creaking of his arthritic joints in the hallways.
Ah, Randolph. Now you can have all the vacation days that you ever wanted, she lamented.
She turned to her unicorn butler. “Floatrence, please call my secretary. I have an announcement that I’d like to make.”
“Right away, madam,” said Floatrence, setting down the coffee and heading out into the hallway.
Diamond Tiara stood out of her chair, swishing her beautiful hair to the side. She recalled many years ago, when her former frenemies the Cutie Mark Crusaders had helped her discover her true talent for leadership. She had been the one-time class president at Ponyville Elementary, but maybe now it was time for her to take on a bigger role. Equestria needed her leadership skills now more than ever!
Except this time, instead of rebuilding the playground, she would rebuild the entire country.
Cockatrice, Mareicopa
Thousands and thousands of ponies packed into a stadium in the desert city of Cockatrice, in the state of Mareicopa. It was a standing room only, and some ponies had to stand outside. Which sucked, ‘cause it was like a thousand degrees out there. Ponies held signs, wearing plastic tiaras on their heads to support Diamond Tiara. Vendors sold popcorn and sodas.
One specific vendor walked around offering snacks to all of the soft-gummed snowbirds.
“Gelatin and prunes! Getcha' gelatin and prunes here!”
Of course, the media didn’t report on this event with massive turnout, because they were too busy covering a sports game or Sapphire Shores’ fourteenth breakup with Hoity Toity or some other nonsense. They were so biased. Diamond Tiara’s hatred for the media burned hotter than a thousand jalapeños. Which was ironic, since she herself was a member of the media, and ran several successful reality shows like Miss Equestria and The Understudy.
After everyone had arrived, Diamond Tiara took the stage to a round thunderous applause.
“Thank you! Thank you!” she said.
The applause continued.
“Thanks!”
The applause continued.
“Thanks!”
The applause continued.
“Thanks.”
The applause continued.
“Thanks...”
The applause continued. Diamond Tiara finally motioned with her hooves for everyone to be quiet. Then, she began her speech.
“Thank you, fillies and gentlecolts. Thank you so much for coming. There’s thousands and thousands of you here. I’ve never seen anypony else draw a crowd so enormous!”
They cheered.
She continued, “I've come here with a dire warning. Equestria is really in trouble. Our economy is in the toilet, our cost of healthcare is rising, we're being invaded through our southern border by illegals, and we’re being ripped off by the Chineighse in trade!”
The crowd booed at this revelation.
“But I have a solution! If you vote for me for president, I’m going to create so many jobs, that you won’t even believe it. Even your butlers will have their own butlers! Our economy is going to come roaring back to life like an enraged manticore… but our jobs have been stolen, and we have to get them back. These illegal donkeys from south of the border are taking jobs that hard-working Equestrians could be doing!”
Of course, she neglected to mention that her own hotels and casinos were built in part by illegal donkeys, but her supporters were in such a euphoric haze that they forgot that pesky little detail.
“So I’m going to dig a giant moat on our southern border, full of hydras! Of course, there will be a bridge, and anyone who wants to come here legally can. But the days of our country being overrun by criminals are over.”
The crowd cheered.
“We’re going to manufacture so many goods in Equestria once I’m president. Right now we’re getting beaten in trade by the Chineighse. They manipulate their currency, and they use cheap labor, and they dump their cheap goods onto our shores. Their leaders are brilliant, but ours are idiots. I’m a businessmare, and I’m smart, so I should be running things. We’ll win against the Chineigse when I’m in charge!”
Yet more cheering.
“Now get out and vote for me for president, and I promise that I’ll make Equestria great again!”
The crowd cheered, throwing their tiaras up into the air. Which probably wasn’t wise because, unlike hats, tiaras had pointy ends, and a few ponies lost their eyes when the tiaras fell back down to the ground. But thanks to Diamond Tiara's new plan for health care, they didn’t worry.
Back in Manehattan, Diamond Tiara gleefully pranced around in her tower, pretending that she was already the leader of Equestria.
“Bum bum ba dum, bum ba dum ba dum ba dum dum!” she hummed, mimicking the Hail to the Chief song.
There was a knock at her door.
“Secret service! Make sure that it’s not an assassin!” Diamond Tiara directed.
“Um… madam, you are aware that you aren’t president yet, correct?” asked Floatrence.
Diamond Tiara scowled, and Floatrence's face turned pale. He rushed over to the doorway, opening it, about to frisk whoever was there. But he stopped.
There, in the doorway, stood Princess Celestia herself. Diamond Tiara’s eyes widened. The princess scowled, taking slow, deliberate steps towards the desk. Tiara, normally so confident, felt like she was three inches tall as the princess leered at her. What would she do? Tiara had called Equestria’s leaders idiots, but she didn’t think they’d come track her down for it! She was just saying that to campaign!
Finally, once the tension had become even thicker than DT's luscious hair, Princess Celestia broke the silence.
“This isn’t a democracy, Diamond Tiara.”
She turned and walked back out of the room.
Author's Note
Alternate ending:
Princess Celestia broke the silence.
"Diamond Tiara... YOU'RE FIRED!"
With a teleport flash, Celestia banished Diamond Tiara to the sun.
