What the Princesses Needed
New Instruments of Attraction
"Are you both certain about this?" Twilight clenches her chin and gives Celestia and Luna a very worried look.
"With all due respect," Luna explains, "have you any experience with being treated so regally that it becomes uncomfortable?"
"Uhh--" Twilight tries to answer back.
Luna cuts her off, "on a consistent basis?"
"Well--"
"By your own guards?"
"...No."
Celestia steps forward. "Then you see our wishes. Luna and I both wish to be seen as more than just their bosses. If they could stop taking us so seriously and not hold us in such terribly high regard, then perhaps they could learn to see that we have a sense of humour and want to relate to them. Be more like friends rather than their superiors."
Twilight was only more confused than before. "And... using a spell to give yourselves a new bodily feature that normally only stallions possess is supposed to help you relate to them?"
"What makes you think it won't?" Luna argues back.
"I'm saying that it would be a very unusual sight for them." Twilight counters. "You could very well shock them. If they don't take you seriously now, there's a chance they might never do so again."
Celestia replies, "Twilight, at this point, any kind of reaction outside the norm would be welcome. If they are to be scarred for life, that's a risk we're willing to take."
Twilight opens her mouth to rebut, but then quickly gives in and pulls a small book out from her bag with a sigh of defeat. "Page 103. But forgive me for not wanting to stick around." She turns around and begins to leave the bedroom.
"You tried this spell on yourself, did you not?" Luna prods.
"I choose to not recall my results. They became a little too unruly."
"Thank you anyway, Twilight." Celestia bids farewell with a smile.
After Twilight closed the door behind her, the royal sisters opened the book to the aforementioned page and faced each other. "I guess there's no turning back, sister." Luna sighs.
"Think of how much fun we'll have. Besides, we can always get more guards."
"'Tis not that. 'Twas just something you say to savour the moment. Isn't it?"
Celestia chuckles. "Alright, you got it?"
"Affirmative." Luna closes he book. "I cast it on you, and you on me."
"Right." Their horns both began to glow. "3... 2... 1..."
It was near sundown. Both solar and lunar guards alike were gathered in the messhall for dinner and breakfast respectively. The room with full of the scent of pasta, ranch dressing, buttered toast, and oatmeal. What filled up even more was the ambient chatter.
"I... hate... my job." A unicorn in the solar guard vents his frustration to his comrades across from him.
"Really, Flex?" His pegasus friend inquired. "A couple years ago, I clearly recall you singing its praises."
"That's the thing! A couple years ago! I most certainly enjoyed it back then. But I've been stuck in this remedial position for six years now, and I'm really starting to get bored out of my mind."
"Six?" Another unicorn beside him decided to join in. "I'll give you credit, I would have gone crazy after being stuck as a private after just three. At least be bumped up to first class."
"Thank you!" He bumps his hoof on his colleague's shoulder. "I mean how many of my superiors need to bukkake me just for me to deserve a Death-damn promotion?"
"...WwwwOWww." An earth pony guard from across the table butted in. "Brilliant imagery, Flex."
"Shut up, Pile."
"Personally, I'd say 'be careful what you wish for'." The pegasus advised.
"Why?"
"I mean... you never know. Rumours may spread--"
They were all interrupted by the main doors opening and several guards taking a collective gasp.
"Why did it suddenly go silent?" Flex whispers.
"Uhhh..." The pegasus was to enthralled by what made the dramatic entrance. "I dare you to look at the princesses over there."
"Why? What is i-- Oh sweet'n'salty Pestilence, no..."
Back at the doors, Celestia and Luna were smiling proudly as they displayed the over-sized results of their spell and surveyed the "damage" they caused to the messhall. "Wow!" Celestia spoke up. "Speechless already. I had a feeling this would be effective, but not like this."
"Art thou not impressed, soldiers?!" Luna proclaimed as she fanned her new instrument side to side to give everyone a full view.
"Holy mother of Famine..." Luna turned her head to the brave mare who broke the silence. "Oddly... a little."
Another moment of shock passed by before guards farther away began to murmur to each other. Those who had the clearest view couldn't help but continue to stare in a mixture of fright, confusion and disgust.
"Bask in their beauty, our wonderful subjects!" Celestia declared; the fruits of their labour wiggling along with every word they say.
"Are they not just the greatest you've seen of their kind?!" Luna spouted as they began to march through the room.
Flex sat a table's length away from what he considered a horrific sight. "Why..." He winced out. "No stallion should have one that naturally huge..." Bad timing for such a comment as the princesses had just arrived to his area as they paraded their new "friends" around.
"Is that so?" Luna takes heed to his remark. She turns her body and took a couple steps forward so the incriminating object stared right back at him.
Flex angles his head up and squinted to a point where he could only see the princess' eyes at the very bottom of his line of sight. These were moments he considered sacred for the time being. "Uhhhh... Never mind me, Your Highness. It's... lovely." He began to sweat.
"Thank you. Why not give it a kiss?" Luna suggests as she wiggles it inches from his face.
"Oh... fuck no."
"My-my. Such language from a lance corporal." Luna kiddingly scolded. "You're quite brave."
The thought of irony briefly whisked through his mind. "I'm only a private."
The same earth pony from before quipped, "consider what you said you were willing to do--"
"Shut up, Pile!"
"You don't say..." Luna became intrigued. "Kiss for first class? I'll put in a good word to my sister."
"I'm not that desperate. You used magic to get those things. I'm afraid yours will eat me."
"And four week's vacation?" Luna added.
Flex was finally broken. He sacrificed his self-righteous sanctity to experience a momentary bitter after-taste in his mouth. Worth it? Perhaps after a week of therapy. He knew very well just like everyone else that they were both granted to them by magic, but it didn't change the fact they were still growing out of them and could not be removed so easily.
"You are too kind, PFC." She stands on her hind legs and used her front hooves to press it against her cheeks. "I'm sure you're not the only one who loves it." Luna smiled like a filly as she merrily skipped along to catch up with her sister.
"Oh my War..." Flex rapidly lost all feeling in his body as he fainted flat on the floor in front of him.
The princesses were noticeably giddy as they continued down their path. Or at least it would be noticeable if a pair of certain somethings weren't soaking up all the attention. They relished in all the comments they were receiving. "So big." "So black." "So... hairy?"
"Really?" Celestia turns to the guard so her magically-gifted artifact was staring the guard right in his face, causing him to rear back in shock similarly to Flex. "The first thing that comes to your mind is 'hairy'?"
After stammering, he answers, "the other good ones were taken!"
"Try harder." Celestia kindly demanded as she leaned slightly forward. A hoof from a mare two seats over reached and brushed across it.
She took her hoof back when Celestia turned to face her. "C-- Can I touch it?"
Celestia strafes over to her with a welcoming expression. "Help yourself."
The mare got up and began to massage it with both her front hooves. "Ooooh woooow... So smooth, too."
Several other guards surrounding her watched on in a state of disturbance and intrigue. "Famine-fucker..." One breathed out.
She continues her amazement as she begins to stroke it. "Oh, my... If only I had a husband with something like this."
"Now now." Celestia quipped. "You don't want to set your standards too high, you know?"
Another collective gasp brought Celestia's attention to Luna who was much further ahead. She was dancing around in slow circles and swinging her trophy around like a whip. She finished her mini performance by standing back up on her hind legs, crossing her front legs, and shaking it about like a dog that just got out of the water back in her sister's direction. "Sister!" She called back as she returned to all fours. "Think we made enough of an impression?" She lifts one of her front legs to hold onto her prop one more time.
"Ohhhh. I suppose." Celestia hopped into the air and flew over to Luna's position just by the opposite door. She made sure she glided in a way that gave everyone in the room one last solid look before they left. "This was fun." They both smiled as they left the room.
Every guard in the room was left in awe for one reason or another. The stallion that got up close and personal with Celestia gave a belated "So long?"
"Good riddance." Flex added as he weakly lifted his head.
Pile made one last remark. "Don't you think you may have some prejudice issues?"
"Go fellate Pestilence and eat it..."
The princesses were giggling heartily and hugging each other for a job well done, and even more well enjoyed. They nestled their magic gifts together before separating. "Oh Celestia! This is definitely one of the best ideas we've ever had. I had so much fun! And did you see the looks on all their faces?! I never knew facial muscles could flex in those ways." Something about that last statement made Luna chuckle.
"I concur," said Celestia. "But I think you were enjoying yourself much more than I was."
"Well... I did garner more attention." Luna rubbed her chin.
"In that case, what did I do wrong?"
"What you didn't do." Luna answered back. "This was the only time you were going to have it, so you really needed to flaunt it!" She takes a couple steps back and begins a demonstration. "Shake it side to side! Lick it! Caress it! Fit as much of it into your mouth as possible!" Luna stands on her hind legs and uses her front hooves to assist her in the aforementioned act. After holding it in for a couple of seconds, she lets it out and wipes it dry with her leg.
Celestia sighs with a small smile. "I see what you mean."
"But... I guess if you really want, we can try again a few years down the road," Luna offers. "As much fun this was, this shouldn't be so frequent. It needs to be kept special." She reached over and pinched Celestia's present one last time. "But if we do..." She continues. "Just keep in mind you need to make a really big deal about it."
"That makes sense."
"Lastly, you need to pronounce it the fun way..." Luna stands up straight to bring hers out on its fullest display and slowly fans her hoof in front of it.
...
...
"Moo-staaahhhche..."
Author's Note
I have this head-canon that a form of cursing in Equestria is taking the Harbingers' names in vain. Doesn't it make sense when you think about it? I try to keep it consistent in my fics.
Plus, try not to spoil in the comments.
Lastly, If you dislike, please let me know why. It'll help learn from any mistakes I may have made.
