Warrant You Happy to See Me?
“Wide Angle, I know you tend to be ridiculous, but this is just stupid.”
“You call it ‘being ridiculous,’ Straight Arrow, I call it taking the initiative.”
The guardsponies’ afternoon patrol through the Canterlot streets was supposed to be a quiet trot about town. The probability of them actually having to do anything was statistically low and really should not have been possible. This would have been so, if it wasn’t for Wide Angle’s insistence over something he found important.
“Oh yeah, because nothing ever went wrong when you took the initiative before.”
“Sorry, but I’m not sure what you’re implying.”
“‘Hey, Wide Angle, should we ask anypony around if they’ve seen suspicious things happening inside the restaurant? No, because then the culprits will catch on to us and abandon shop. Let’s take the initiative and arrest everypony for reasons unbecoming. Oh, what’s that, sir? There’s no such thing, you say. And what do you mean we’re being suspended for abuse of power?’”
“First off, I don’t sound like that. Second, I know that this time there’s a legit threat.” He and his partner stopped in front of their destination. “And thirdly, our CO sucks. End of story.”
“Of course I know that, but that doesn’t excuse what you’re about to do right now.”
“What we’re about to do. I’m not doing this without backup.”
“Glad to know that you’re considerate and invite other ponies to join in your self-inflicted downfall.”
“And I’m glad to know that you’re willing to let your best friend do something dangerous alone.”
“Wide Angle, I’m saying this because I know somewhere deep down inside you there is still a bit of sanity left.” He gestured to the manor that they had currently stopped in front of. “There is no changeling saboteur group hiding in the Confetti’s house.”
“That is where you’re wrong,” Wide Angle replied matter-of-factly, “because I already told you my proof. Or did you forget already?”
“No, I remember what you said. I was just trying to filter out the rational bits from the conspiracy theories.”
“Well then, allow me to explain again, since you obviously don’t get the gravity of the situation.”
“Oh for the love of…”
“Recently, there’ve been reports of a lot of activity going on in that place. We had ponies complaining about strange lights and loud noises coming from inside. On top of that, there’s a large influx of ponies entering the house and coming out very exhausted. When we tried to question them, they couldn’t remember much of what happened. The only thing they could remember was a feeling of intense pleasure before leaving. Now what does that tell you?”
“That you pay attention too much.”
“WRONG. The exhaustion, the lights, and the satisfactory pleasure could all point to one thing only…”
“That you’re mentally disturbed?”
“Changelings! Think about it. The strange lights are the changelings’ magic, the pleasure is the changelings getting it on with unsuspecting citizens, and the exhaustion is them having their energy sapped out of them!”
“Okay, now let me explain something to you. One: You’re a paranoid moron. Two: It’s the Confetti’s house. The ponies who supply the largest confetti trade in Equestria. The one’s whose son is constantly throwing parties for his rich friends. The kind of parties that would have loud noises from the music, strange lights from the stage equipment they set up, and exhausted ponies who partied all day who would remember nothing but having a good time after the night. The ponies that are obviously, definitely not changelings or are hiding them, and the reason why ponies reported the commotion is because we got a complaint about it, which we investigated and had to dodge water balloons the partiers threw at us.”
“Exactly! Defensive emplacements to stop us from entering and learning the truth.”
“Sweet Celestia, you cannot be this dense.”
“No I’m not, because I know what I’m doing this time.”
“Since when did you ever know what you were doing?”
“Since I was born, Straight Arrow.”
“It’s those kinds of answers that make me worry about you.”
“The point is, last time we couldn’t do anything because we didn’t have a right to search the place.”
“And that’s related to this how?”
“Did you really not hear a thing I said this morning?”
“I wish I hadn’t.”
“Whatever. Today’s gonna be different because now I have this.” From his saddlebags he produced a scroll. “Behold.”
Straight Arrow’s eyes widened. “You got a warrant?”
“Take a look for yourself.” He gave him the scroll, crossing his forelegs proudly.
“How did you get this?”
“I requested it, what else?”
“You’re saying that you got an approved warrant, something that has to go through our commander, the Guard Captain, and one of the Princesses, to follow up on your suspicions on a changeling base of operations in Canterlot?”
“You think I’m lying?”
“That’s what I’m trying to find out.” He looked back to the scroll, inspecting it over. “‘So approved by Royal Decree… Suspect Party to relinquish assets if and only if…’ Wide Angle…”
“What?”
“Why does it say we’re looking for ‘evidence of illegally obtained party balloons’?”
“Because, do you honestly think those changelings got those balloons legitimately?”
“WIDE ANGLE!”
“What? What did I do?”
“You can’t just say that you’re going to search somepony’s property for one thing and neglect the real reason you’re there!”
“I’m not neglecting anything. I’m telling you, there’s no way they could have a bought those balloons if they were changelings.”
“I’d say how idiotic that sentence sounded, but I’m afraid that would feed your obsession. But honestly, Wide Angle, this is serious. Do you even know how much trouble you can get into over this? Can you even fathom the word ‘trouble’?”
“Look, I’ll admit that some ponies were a little skeptical of my original reasoning, so I had to prove another number of legitimate reasons to get the search approved.”
“‘Legitimate?’ One of the reasons here says that you have ‘suspicion of aiding and abetting in the trafficking of cockatrices’.”
“You saw the one they had when we busted them.”
“It was an out-of-control party hosted by spoiled rich colt. What did you think they were gonna have in there?”
“Well,” he began, taking back the warrant, “we’re about to find out now, aren’t we?”
“Wide Angle, for the last time: This is stupid. You’re not gonna find changelings or anything else wrong in there.”
His partner simply opened the front gate. “Watch me.”
The guardspony groaned before finally following his friend to the front door.
“So you do care about the safety of Equestria,” Wide Angle said.
“I’m making sure that you don’t end up tying up somepony to a chair and interrogate them.”
Wide Angle knocked on the large, wooden double door. After a moment of silence, he knocked on it again. Much of the same happened.
“Well,” Straight Arrow started, “nopony’s home. Let’s go.”
“Hang on,” Wide Angle stopped him, “they’re obviously only supposed to respond to a certain pattern of knocks.”
“Oh Sun, fry me now.”
Wide Angle began a series of intricate knocks, some alternating between fast and soft to loud and hard. Before he could continue another sequence, multiple sounds of items falling down were heard.
“Just break the door down, why don’t ya,” a muffled voice yelled from the other side.
Wide Angle looked to his friend with a smug grin.
“Why are you smiling? That just proves you annoyed the owner.”
The tumblers of a lock drew their attention as they turned back to the door. Standing inside was a teenaged unicorn who was only a few inches off from their height.
“Oh,” he began, “great. It’s the Royal Fun Police.”
Wide Angle paid no mind as he produced the warrant in a flourish. “By Her order, we are requested to search and ascertain the integrity of this property.”
The unicorn took the scroll and read its contents. “Cockatrices?”
“Believe me,” Straight Arrow began, “I’m as baffled as you are.”
“Now stand aside,” Wide Angle ordered, “lest you disrupt our investigation.”
“Cool it, grandpa,” the unicorn shot back, “how do I know this warrant is legit?”
“Uh, it’s marked with the royal seal,” Wide Angle retorted. “Duh!”
“Oh yeah? How do I know it ain’t forged?”
“What kind of mad pony forges a royal seal?”
“I’m honestly surprised you’re not one of them,” Straight Arrow stated.
“No time for compliments, my friend. Equestria depends on us.”
The teen simply stared at Wide Angle.
“Just let him look around,” Straight Arrow begged. “It’s not like we’re gonna find anything anyway.”
The teen rolled his eyes and stepped aside, allowing the two in.
Wide Angle turned to Straight Arrow. “Keep an eye on him,” he whispered. “If he starts whispering sweet-nothings in your ear, he’s probably trying to brainwash you.”
“Yes, because when a changeling chooses a guardpony to feed off of, they take the disguise of a teenager.”
“Just make sure he doesn’t do anything.”
“I can hear you, you know,” said teen commented.
“Official guard business! No eavesdropping!”
Straight Arrow stood with the unicorn while Wide Angle looked around the manor.
“I really am sorry about this. I didn’t even know he was planning on it.”
“Is he usually this dumb?”
“He’s always dumb. But it’s unfortunately mixed with an overactive imagination and paranoia.”
As they conversed, they could hear Wide Angle rummaging through objects in other rooms. “Woah, how many drawers and cabinets does this place need?”
“Hey, if you break anything, dad says we have the right to sue.”
They heard a mocking reprieve in response. “Give me some credit. I’m a guardspony, not a barbarian.”
“Just put everything back where you found it,” Straight Arrow called out.
“Good thinking, buddy,” Wide Angle said with a wink as he reemerged. “Make sure they never knew we were here.” He saw the look the teen gave him. “Er, to make sure they don’t have to worry about putting it back themselves.” He continued upstairs.
“He’s not gonna steal anything, is he?”
“Wide Angle? No. He’s an idiot that plays fast and loose with the law, but not breaking it is one of the few good things about him.”
“Oh wow, more cabinets and drawers. What a surprise.”
“I really have to wonder how you’re going to find changelings hiding in a dresser.”
“Straight Arrow, don’t let them know we’re looking for them.”
“Because our yelling and your ransacking have kept us so stealthy.”
“Just be quiet and let me search, alright?”
“...”
“Ew!”
“What is it now?”
“I can’t even describe it, it’s just… bleh!”
“Um,” the teen began, “if you’ve found something… it’s not mine. I-It’s my mom’s. Swear.”
“I’d hope it is. This thing’s just horrid!”
“What is it,” Straight Arrow asked.
“You have to see it to believe it. Sit tight, I’m coming down with it.”
“No,” the teen moaned into his hooves.
Wide Angle came back with what he found. “Look at this? What kind of pony uses this thing?”
Upon seeing what he brought down, the teen sighed in relief, but Straight Arrow’s eyes bulged out of his sockets at the sight. His friend had came back downstairs with a changeling in tow. “Ch-ch-change-ch-ch…”
“I know, right. Can’t even find the words to describe how disgusting it is. I mean just look at it!” He gestured to the bow tie it wore. “Four words, my friend: neon green bow tie. My eyes wish they never saw such a sight.” He looked to the changeling. “No offense.”
He blinked back in response.
“Wide Angle, you do know what you’re standing next to, right?”
“A mockery to fashion. I mean honestly, tell me somepony else gave you that thing.”
The changeling blinked again.
“Wide Angle, don’t you remember why you dragged ourselves in here?”
“Yes, and I’ll have you know that disgusting ties are not going to stop my search.”
“What else is there to search? You found one of them.”
“What do you mean?”
“The changeling next to you!”
Wide Angle looked to the changeling in question. “Oh no, he’s not who we’re looking for.”
Straight Arrow gave his partner a dumbfounded stare. “Of course he’s the one we’re looking for, you numb-nut! He’s a changeling!”
“Exactly. A changeling. Period. He’s not a changeling saboteur.”
“And how do you figure that?”
“Because he’s in civilian clothing. What else?”
A brief moment of silence was had amongst the party.
“WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MATTER,” Straight Arrow shot back.
“Uh, hello,” Wide Angle said as if this was something everypony should know. “It’s common sense. If you’re running around in civilian clothing, it’s obvious that you’re not a threat. Now if this guy over here wasn’t wearing that tie, I’d be suspicious. In which case, I would have to question him about his business here and only bring him in if the reason isn’t sound.” He turned back to the changeling. “Speaking of which, what are you doing here?”
“He’s here to talk business with my dad,” the teen explained. “Say, where is dad, anyway,” he wondered to himself.
“Ah, that explains it. Well, just a quick suggestion, you’ll want to be a little more observant when choosing business attire. Again, no disrespect but seriously, neon green…”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Straight Arrow blurted, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but obviously there’s some brainwashing going on here.” He readied his spear and began approaching the changeling. “You, you’re under arrest.”
“What,” Wide Angle exclaimed, “why are you arresting him?”
“Wide Angle, seriously? Civilian clothing makes them not want to sap us?”
“Yeah, what else is there to say?” Realization slowly dawned on his face. “By the Sun…”
“Finally getting it?”
“I wish I hadn’t.” A look of shock was plastered on his face. “Straight Arrow… you’re racist aren’t you?”
“What? I’m not—”
“Lapping Lunas, that explains why you never like Couch Potato. Oh Straight, Earth Ponies aren’t that different from us.”
“I don’t hate Couch Potato because he’s an Earth Pony, I hate him because he sits around doing nothing all day. It gives us a bad image.”
“Oh, so you’re saying the Guard is only exclusive to pegasi.”
“I’m not saying it’s exclusive to any pony, I—ugh, why am I even arguing this now? Step aside.”
“No, I won’t let you arrest him.” Wide Angle put himself between him and the changeling to emphasize his protest.
“Wide, this is seriously not the time to be an idiot!”
“What’s next for you, huh? You gonna start arresting every unicorn in Canterlot now?”
“For the love of Celestia, I am not a racist!”
“Yes you are, and the minute you stop denying your flaw and face it you can start the road to recovery.”
“The only thing I need to recover from is you being an absolute moron.”
“Hatemonger!”
“Bean Brain!”
Wide Angle let out a screech and tackled Straight Arrow to the ground. The ensuing scuffle sent them down the steps, bouncing them up and down with each one they hit. Finally they hit the floor and a loud crack resounded around the foyer.
“Great,” Straight Arrow exclaimed, “now you broke something.”
“The only thing that’s broken is my reality of you,” Wide Angle countered.
Before the argument could continue, large cracks started forming outward from where the guards were and the sound of creaking wood could be heard.
“Oh, horseapples,” they both muttered.
With one giant crack the floor beneath the two gave way as they came crashing down into a basement. They landed on a poker table which immediately gave weight under the two and was smashed into a concrete floor. As the dust, sugar, and cockatrice feathers settled, the two saw a peculiar sight. Sitting in five chairs were a middle-aged quintet that consisted of a unicorn, a griffin, a donkey, a diamond dog, and a dragon, all of which were holding cards. Behind them were cages with several cockatrices in them, stacks of sugar cubes wrapped in plastic, and boxes filled with party supplies.
“Shoot,” the unicorn muttered. “Alright colts, fold ‘em,” he said with a sigh to his companions, “we’re busted.”
Moans and jeers went around the circle of players as they threw their cards on top of the guards and held their appendages in the air.
The two guardsponies looked at each other.
“Um…” Wide Angle began.
“We’ll get the restraints,” Straight Arrow finished.
From the newly made hole in the floor, the teen emerged looking down at the spectacle. “Dad? I knew it! I knew you were gambling in the basement.” He looked hurt. “Why didn’t you invite me?”
The Confetti house was now surrounded by guards, securing the place and bringing out objects deemed as evidence. Much of the evidence consisted of cockatrice cages, sugar cubes, and piles of unmarked party supplies. The five gamblers were being escorted to an awaiting prison cart and the son was being interviewed on the side. Overseeing this was the acting commander of the Canterlot Royal Guard division, who then turned to face the waiting Wide Angle and Straight Arrow.
The commander scratched the back of his head. “Let me get this straight. You two went into the Confetti manor to find evidence of stolen party supplies and not only do you find them, you end up busting a high risk poker game that had the biggest players in the sugar, cockatrice, AND balloon smuggling ring.”
“Uh,” Wide Angle began, gesturing to the five culprits being put into the cart, “pretty much, yeah.”
“And they just surrendered to you two?”
“Well,” Straight Arrow began, “yes, they basically surrendered on sight.”
The commander gave them a questioning look before shaking his head with a sigh. “Whatever. You caught them, that’s all I care about. We suspected Mr. Confetti of soliciting in the black market party trade, but we didn’t expect to him to be expanding his operation. This struck a big blow to the underground crime world. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but good work, you two. I expect a full a report from the both of you.”
They both saluted.
“Oh, might I suggest Commander,” Wide Angle began, “you’re gonna want to question the culprits, just to make sure they’re not changeling saboteurs or are harboring any. I tried to do it myself but they just yelled at me and called me mean names.”
The commander gave him a stoic look. “Yeah. Changelings. I’ll remember that during the interrogation.”
“Wait,” Straight Arrow stopped him before he could go, “what about him, sir?” He pointed over to the changeling with the bow tie being questioned by authorities.
“The civie? What about him?”
Straight Arrow looked at his superior, dumbfounded. “Sir, okay, I hate to agree with Wide Angle here…”
“Hey,” the guardspony said, hurt.
“But he wanted to find changelings and, well we found one, so…”
The commander gave him a questioning look. “Constable Straight Arrow, are you racist?”
“I AM NOT A RACIST!”
“Watch your tone, guardspony!”
“But-but, he’s a… I mean, does no pony remember the Canterlot Invasion? Changelings, they—”
“That’s enough out of you, Constable,” the commander stopped his protests, “I will not let the image of the guard be tainted by bigoted ponies. Now along with that report, I expect a full psych evaluation, and you better hope the doc doesn’t say you’re racist. Otherwise you’re getting suspended and sent to a tolerance class. Do I make myself clear?”
Straight Arrow’s jaw was agape in utter confusion before he finally sighed in submission. “Understood, sir.”
“It better be. Now back to the barracks, you two.”
They both gave one more salute before making their trot back to the barracks.
Straight Arrow sighed, which caught Wide Angle’s attention.
“What’s wrong,” he asked.
“Just… questioning everything I know now.”
“Yeah, me too. I still can’t believe Mr. Confetti of all ponies was—is in the criminal underground. And we’re the ones to find him out. Talk about a crazy day, huh?”
“That is a glorious understatement,” Straight Arrow responded with another sigh of exhaustion.
“Hey, you wanna know what I do when questioning life makes me all depressed?”
“Get obsessed with it until you come up with something that doesn’t make sense?”
“Well, yeah, but first I head to the tavern and drink up.”
“And?”
“And I’m offering. My treat.”
“The tab will be all on you?”
“Well duh, we just made the biggest bust of the century. Of course I’m treating us to a little celebration.”
Straight Arrow rubbed his jaw. “Well, alright. Tonight then?”
“I was thinking more like now.”
“But we have to submit a report.”
“The report can wait. Right now, you look like you need some cider. Besides, the commander barely looks at those reports anyway.”
Straight Arrow gave it some thought. “You know what, you’re right.”
Wide Angle beamed. “Did I hear what I think I heard?”
Straight Arrow sighed. “Yes, you are right about this one thing.”
“Don’t forget about the search on the manor.”
“Don’t push it, we didn’t find any changeling saboteurs.”
“Hey, that just means we have more work to do.”
Straight Arrow shook his head. “You never cease to amaze me.”
“Thanks for the compliment, partner.” He wrapped a leg around his friend’s neck. “Now come on, we got some celebrating to do.”
With a smile and a nod, the two made their way to the tavern.
Author's Note
Interested in seeing more ridiculousness from these two? Watch them try to speak to a class.