TWILIGHT SPARKLE SHIPS PINKIE PIE AND RAINBOW DASH 2
ELECTRIC SCOOTALOO
Once again, Twilight Sparkle found herself standing on her lawn, her hoof driven squarely into her forehead, as two familiar ponies stood across from her. Thankfully, this time the whole affair was decidedly devoid of any sort of goop, slime, or other gelatinous substances. Indeed, since the last time the three of them had stood on this lawn, the library had been suitably cleaned up and its contents either restored or replaced. Twilight’s horn had been resolidified by a quick trip to the spa, and everything seemed to be in order.
Of course, that didn’t mean there wasn’t a sight equally as strange sitting there atop Golden Oaks hill. After all, Pinkie Pie was absolutely rocking that belly dancer outfit, and Rainbow was totally pulling off the turban and parachute pants, complete with a scimitar accessory.
“What did you two do?” Twilight demanded, her face already morphing into a scowl.
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you read the papers, Twilight? We started a war!” she said with infuriating nonchalance.
“Yeah, Twilight!” Pinkie said with a nod, jangling a bunch of bangles as she did so. “That’s a big fat ‘Duh!’”
Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath and let it out, counting to ten as she did so before she spoke again. “Alright, yes. You started a war.” she said slowly, carefully phrasing her next words. “How, exactly, did you start a war?”
Rainbow Dash’s face lit up with a massive grin. “Oh, wow, Twilight. You should have been there!”
“It was amaaaaaaaazing!” Pinkie squealed, waving her arms around. “There were merchants and soldiers and sexy horse ladies and--”
“Just.” Twilight said, holding out a hoof as she punctuated her words, “Tell me. What happened.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Sheesh, alright, fine. You don’t have to get so hostile.”
Twilight’s eye was already starting to twitch.
“Alright, so, after you sent us on that awesome Saddle Arabian vacation to Abu Dhabray...” Rainbow began before interjecting, “...which was pretty awesome of you to do for us, by the way...”
Twilight clenched her eyes shut, grumbling.
“...We decided we were gonna take a look around. You know, check out the sights. The fancy buildings, the food, the bazaars…” Rainbow explained.
“Bazaar!” Pinkie giggled, covering her mouth with a hoof. “That’s another silly word! Bazaar! Bazaar! Bazaar!”
Rainbow nodded. “Right, so, we’re checking out the Bazaars. Now you know how the people of Saddle Arabia are all those big, lanky horse folks, right?”
“Right.” Twilight confirmed, prompting Rainbow to continue as she lit her horn and summoned a bottle of asprin from her bathroom.
Rainbow winced. “So, okay… imagine that you’re a pegasus who, naturally, has a little bit of ingrained claustrophobia,” she explained. “And you’re walking down the SUPER packed streets where there are a bunch of horses, every one as tall as Princess Celestia, and they’re all hocking their wares and tryin’ to get everyone to buy their junk, yeah?”
“Sounds normal for the Saddle Arabian bazaars.” Twilight said.
“Right, so…” Dash scratched the back of her head, knocking her turban slightly askew. “These horses, they see two Equestrian ponies coming down the street. And naturally, they think ‘hey, those two must be super rich and awesome and handsome Equestrian tourists!’”
Twilight nodded. “I think I see where this is going.”
“All at once, BAM!” Rainbow shouted, punching one hoof into the other. “Pinkie and me--”
“Pinkie and I” Twilight corrected.
Pinkie Pie gigglesnorted. “Don’t be silly, Twitwi. You weren’t there! It was just Dashie and me. Now let her tell the story, silly filly!”
Twilight pouted. “But I--”
“Anyways, so, Pinkie and me were just swarmed by what must have been, like, a zillion horses, all trying to sell us their stuff!” Dash exclaimed, throwing her forehooves in the air.
“Zillion isn’t a number.” Twilight grumbled, massaging her temple.
“Uh, yeah it is!” Pinkie interjected. “It comes right after a Babajaskillion!” she cocked her head. “Jeez, Twilight, I thought you were smart!”
“I AM SMART!” Twilight shrieked.
“Uh, hello?” Dash asked, raising an eyebrow and frowning at the purple unicorn. “Did you want me to tell you the story or not?”
Twilight huffed and crossed her arms.
“Thank you.” Dash said with a pleased nod. “Now, anyway, as I was saying: Imagine you’re a pegasus with an ingrained claustrophobia. And suddenly you’ve got a zillion horses all crowding you and wanting a piece of you, looming over you like Princess Celestia. A pegasus can get a little… well… spooked.” Dash said, blushing embarrassedly.
“You freaked out?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie Pie nodded. “She freaked out.”
Dash at least had the decency to chuckle abashedly. “I might have… socked one or two of them in the face... Or three... Or four... Or twelve.”
Twilight let out a long, exhausted sigh. “And that’s when you started the war?”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “What? Oh no, Twi. We’re not even close to THAT bit, yet.”
Forehoof, meet forehead. I’m sure you two will get along just fine.
“Anyway, so we were jumped by a bunch of guards that looked like they came straight out of a music video by M. C. Hammer” Dash explained.
“Their pants were all poofy!” Pinkie chirped.
“But instead of throwing us in a dungeon like we thought they would, they took us to the palace where they said the Sultan would get somepony to Exeggcute us.” Rainbow explained.
“I never would have guessed that the Saddle Arabians were so into Ponymon!” Pinkie mused, tapping her chin as Twilight popped another asprin.
“They were totally bluffing though.” Rainbow Dash said smugly, crossing her forelegs. “The Sultan was actually a super cool dude.”
Pinkie winced. “Weeeellllllll…” she said, slowly. “He seemed that way, anyway.”
Dash nodded solemnly. “If only we knew…” she agreed.
Twilight looked back and forth between them. “What are you two blathering about?” she demanded. “Sultan Djinni Bottle has guided Saddle Arabia with a caring and just hoof for the past thirty years! He’s led the Saddle Arabians into a new age of peace, prosperity, and enlightenment! He was a personal friend of Princess Celestia before this whole mess happened!”
“He’s also eeeeeeeviiiiiiilllllll!” Pinkie screeched, leaping up on her hind legs for emphasis.
“I met him when he came to the castle one day!” Twilight insisted. “He was one of the nicest dignitaries I ever--”
“EEEEEEEVIIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!”
“But--!” Twilight tried to protest only for Dash to cut her off.
“Maybe I should just explain?” Rainbow offered.
Twilight huffed, sitting down and grumbling to herself, Rainbow taking it as cue to continue.
“So anyway, we were taken to the palace and the Sultan, he was totally cool to us!” Dash recounted. “He totally knew that the whole thing must have been a mistake when he recognized us as the bearers of Loyalty and Laughter.”
“We’re totes famous, Twi!” Pinkie squealed.
Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. “He probably only knew that because he’s one of the only people who has enough clearance to get far enough into Canterlot Castle to actually see the stained glass window” she mumbled.
Dash went on. “So he recognizes us as the bearers of Laughter and Loyalty and he says that he’ll let us spend the night before taking us home in his private chariot!” Rainbow said with a wide grin. “Of course, we accepted because, hey, we didn’t exactly have a place to stay for the night, and as neat as Saddle Arabia is, it’s a bit hot for my liking.”
“And sandy.” Pinkie interjected. “There is way too much sand. It gets everywhere.” she said matter of factly before leaning over to twilight and stage whispering into her ear. “Eeeeeeeverywhere!”
Twilight shuddered. “Yes, thank you, Pinkie. I get it.”
Pinkie continued to stage whisper. “I mean it got in my--”
“Anyway,” Rainbow said, “so he shows us to the guest room and tells us that we have the room directly across from his.” she explained.
“Wow,” Twilight said, eyes widening slightly. “That’s a great honor. Traditionally, in Saddle Arabian culture, being granted the room across from the host is a sign of great trust and friendship.”
“Yeah yeah yeah. So anyway.” Rainbow said waving Twilight off, “We have dinner and all. The food’s great. There are a bunch of sweet belly dancers and music and all the stuff you see in the movie serials.” Rainbow recounted with a smile, which suddenly morphed into a frown. “And then Pinkie and me got back to the room.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What was wrong with the room?” she asked.
“Oh, nothing.” Rainbow said with a shrug. “It was a totally bossome room. It had, like, a freaking fountain in it! There were trees with fruit growing on them. Trees. Indoors, Twilight!” Rainbow said, waving her forelegs around for emphasis. “And the beds! They were huge! You could fit, like, ten mares on those beds! And the skylight! You could see the whole dang sky!”
“I’m not seeing the problem here.” Twilight said with a frown.
“The only problem with the room…” Dash said, pausing dramatically before finally finishing, “...was that it had very thin walls.”
Twilight’s mouth took on an ‘o’ shape.
“And THAT’S when the villain exposed his evil evilness!” Pinkie said, stomping a hoof.
“Just as Pinkie and me were lying down to go to bed,” Dash explained, “we start hearing moaning and screaming coming from the room across from us!”
“No…” Twilight said, shaking her head.
“Naturally, we thought that someone was in trouble!” Rainbow said. “So we dashed out of our room and across the hall!”
“No no no… you didn’t!” Twilight buried her face in her hooves.
“We threw open the Sultan’s doors and what did we find but the Sultan!” Dash exclaimed, punching one hoof into the other again. “And he was looming over a bunch of defenseless, innocent mares like he owned them, getting ready to do unspeakable things to their poor, defenseless bodies!”
“You DID!” Twilight yelled exasperated. “Of course you did!”
“So I yelled ‘Not on my watch, creep!’ and flew across the room and punched his face in!” she exclaimed proudly. “He didn’t stand a chance against Rainbow ‘One-Punch Mare’ Dash!”
“Meanwhile,” Pinkie squealed, bouncing in place, “I helped all twelve mares that he’d kidnapped and was about to do nasty-wasty things to escape!” She giggled. “They were so scared and panicked, though, that I had to do a lot of extra work to get them to safety! They were flailing around and kicking and screaming so much that I had to tie them up to get them out of there!”
“I can’t believe you two!” Twilight shouted, stomping a hoof. “He gave you the room across from his - a traditional sign of trust - and you attack him and kidnap his marefriends?!”
“We also ganked his chariot!” Dash said proudly.
“GAH!”
“Hey, c’mon, Twilight!” Pinkie said with a frown. “He was going to do horrible things to all those mares! Only a bad guy would have so many mares all at once, lording over them like that!”
“It’s called a harem!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s traditional in Saddle Arabian culture for the Sultans to have large groups of mares to be ‘intimate’ with. Every single one of those mares is there voluntarily! They’re well fed, given the best medical treatment, and have off days to visit their families, who are well compensated for allowing their daughters to become part of the royal harem!”
“Maybe…” Pinkie Pie said, leaning over to Twilight conspiratorially. “Or maybe that’s just what they want you to think!”
Twilight was shaking so hard passing ponies stopped to wonder if there was an earthquake.
“Anyway,” Dash explained. “After knocking out Douchebag McPervertpants, Pinkie and I hauled all his kidnapped mares to his chariot and threw them in the back. I hitched myself up to the chariot and flew us out of there.”
“The guards were NOT happy that we broke through the ceiling though.” Pinkie said, cocking her head.
“Those Saddle Arabians really like their fancy skylights.” Dash nodded.
“I can’t believe you two…” Twilight mumbled, cradling her head in her hooves.
“From there, we booked it out of the desert and flew to MosCow” Dash said with a grin. “We dropped off the mares at a street corner and made our way to the ports, where we managed to hitch a ride from a friendly minotaur, who was very concerned about the mares we rescued and offered to give us a ride home if we told him where we dropped them off!”
“He was super friendly!” Pinkie agreed.
“And the rest is history!” Dash grinned, flapping her wings proudly. “We had a Saddle Arabian adventure, rescued a bunch of mares, and got away with all this cool swag!” she said, prodding the turban on her head.
“All in all, a successful vacation!” Pinkie chirped with a happy nod.
Twilight took a deep breath one last time, before letting it out and counting to ten again. She closed her eyes and did everything she possibly could to calm down before finally opening her eyes and speaking again.
“Hey girls, how would you like another chemistry lesson?”
* * *
The Equestrian Aeronautics and Space Administration was a relatively new organization. Indeed, it was only a couple years old, having been established by Princess Luna not long after her return. To date, they had launched several satellites into the atmosphere, and even sent a few ponies into space to orbit around the planet. Their next big mission, however, was going to blow them all out of the water! They were going to send a pony to the moon!
At least, that was the plan anyway. It naturally hadn’t happened yet, though.
Which is why the director of EASA was so surprised when a walleyed gray mare with a blonde mane and a mailpony’s cap trotted into the building with a crate on her back demanding the oddest thing.
“I’m sorry, ma’am… you want a what?!” he asked, cleaning his glasses on a handkerchief.
Derpy Hooves grunted, lowering the heavy, hole-filled crate marked “Handle with Care” off her back. “You heard me. I need to get to the moon!” she said matter-of-factly.
The director blinked. “But… we only have one rocket capable of going to the moon, and it’s still in its experimental phases. We’re not meant to launch to the moon for another year!”
Derpy Hooves rolled one eye while the other one just sorta drifted off wherever it pleased. “Look, pal, I’m a mailpony. And when you become a mailpony, you take a solemn oath.” She said, raising one hoof and closing her eyes reverently. “Neither rain nor snow, nor sleet nor hail, nor dark of night, nor vacuum of space shall keep me from delivering my package to its appointed destination!”
“Well, yes of course,” the director said as if the oath were the most obvious thing in the world. “But surely you’d rather take one of our more tested models of rocket than an experimental, highly dangerous prototype.”
Derpy shook her head. “No way, buddy. Those rockets aren’t powerful enough. I need to get to the moon.” She pointed at the side of the crate. “Here, look at the address. See?”
The director replaced his glasses and looked. Indeed, there on the side it read ‘Destination: THE MOON.’
“Huh.” The director said, cocking his head. “Well I guess that’s that then. Who am I to keep the Equestrian postal service from doing their sacred duty?” The director rummaged into his desk and pulled out a brassy key. “Here you go, ma’am.”
Derpy took the key in her mouth. “Thanks a bundle, mister!” she said cheerfully.
“By the way,” the director said. “Do you hear snoring coming from that crate?” he asked.
Derpy chuckled and shook her head. “Nah, you must be hearing things, mister. Maybe you should take a day off?”
The director tapped his chin and chuckled. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Author's Note
oops i did it again
