Twilight Accidentally Mails Celestia Porn

by Wintermist

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance, Sex, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Anthro
Length: 5809

It's a terrible idea to write smutty letters and fantasise about sending them to Princess Celestia. Fortunately, only Twilight will ever know they exist.

It's a harmless little hobby. Twilight writes a pornographic letter, pretends that she'll send it to Princess Celestia, and then the most terrible, wonderful things would happen. Of course, Celestia can never, ever know.

It was inevitable, really.

Published 2015-10-17 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-17 01:40:01 UTC

Twilight Accidentally Mails Celestia Porn

Consider Twilight Sparkle.

She lies on her stomach, stretched across the length of her small bed, a quill in hand, writing with quick, feverish strokes on a piece of parchment fixed to a wooden board. She wears a modest skirt, her hooves kicking slowly in the air, with a rumpled jumper. Her sleeves are pushed up, to bare her slim arms, and there's a quick, bright light in her violet eyes. The wooden walls of her tree-house bedroom are covered with shelf after shelf of books.

Watching her, even for a moment, several things can be guessed at. This young unicorn is studious, and sharp of intellect. She has a passion for learning. She also has a passion for whatever it is she's writing, and demonstrates an admirable grasp of masturbation, judging by the way her free hand works vigorously beneath her skirt and the small gasps and sighs that fall from her lips.

'My dearest Princess,

'Forgive me for rushing to the point with so few pleasantries, but I can wait no longer to confess my true feelings. I'm certain it's been no secret to you that seemingly forever, I've been hopelessly in love with you. I love the sparkle of your eyes, the curve of your lips, the shifting curtain of your mane. I love your warmth, and your kindness. You have always been more precious than anything to me. But now, as I have matured, I've come to realise something else.

'I want to be in your bed, Princess. I want to feel the full curves of your breasts press against my face, and inhale your divine scent. I want to lick every inch of the beautiful sunbursts that mark your thighs. I want you to strip me, and take me as your own. I want you to teach me how to pleasure you. I want to be your student in all things; eager, faithful, simmering with desire for you.

'Take me. Take me, and do whatever you desire to me. I need it, more than breathing. Peel off my clothes, caress my body, that I have never offered another. I may not deserve it, but I beg of you, Princess: take me.

'In desperate anticipation, Twilight Sparkle'

"Mmmmfh!" Twilight groaned aloud, panting raggedly as she shakily put the quill safely to one side and rolled onto her back. Oh, that had been a good letter. Not one of her longer ones, but it fuelled the fantasy. The idea of sending Princess Celestia one of her desperate, eager pleas to be made Celestia's sexual plaything never failed to drive her crazy.

The letter unfastened itself from the wooden board with a delicate glow of her violet magic, and levitated in front of her face. She read through it again, sinking back into the bed with deep, heated satisfaction. Oh, goodness, yes.

Shakily pushing herself off the bed and rising to her hooves, Twilight crossed the room to fetch a seal. Rolling up the parchment, she wrapped the red ribbon around the centre several times, then melted the seal with a little pressure from her magic. She nodded to herself. Perfect.

Leaving it on the small writing table beside her bed, she crossed the room to her wardrobe and opened the old wooden doors wide. At the very bottom sat a stout chest, locked with one key and several hidden, worryingly powerful wards. She absently straightened her skirt as she unbound the magical protections one by one, inserting the key between disarming the third and fourth ward as was necessary to stop the chest's contents being immediately incinerated. Some ponies might have called her precautions excessive. Some ponies probably didn't have a vast collection of letters to the Princess that could never, ever, ever see the light of day. There had been declarations of war that didn't have the potential for disaster her chest of smut held.

The lid creaked open slowly, revealing rows and rows of sealed letters, each stacked neatly and wrapped together into bundles. At the very bottom were her earliest skittish love letters to the Princess, forever unsent for lack of nerve. Near the top, well. Some of the things she'd written to herself on a dark evening made the letter she'd just written seem like an elementary school rhyme.

Her hand strayed near an unfinished bundle. There had been that one a few weeks ago, with the elaborate bondage scene. Maybe she should just refresh her memory...

The door banged open. "Twilight!"

"Yaaahh!" Twilight screeched articulately in response, slamming the chest shut so hard she almost drove it clean through the wardrobe and embedded it in the floor. Twisting around with a hunted look on her face, she stammered, "Spike! What - what is it? Is the tree on fire? Is the town under attack? What?!"

"What?" he echoed in response, frowning with bafflement. "No, it's your dinner. It's going cold. I did call for you a few minutes ago, you know. Oh!"

The young dragonling picked up the freshly sealed letter from the bedside table. "Oh, I get it, you were writing a friendship report. All ready to go, huh? I'll send it, and then we can eat. I'm starving!"

Dread crystallised around Twilight Sparkle, as the clock on the wall stopped ticking. She was going to yell at him to stop, and it was going to be too late, and he was going to send it directly to Celestia. Then she'd open it, read it, and-

Twilight's mental machinery ground to a halt, gears straining against each other. Her mouth hung open. Finally, some deep self-preservative instinct disengaged from the rest of her and took over her vocal chords directly. "Stop! Stop!"

Spike paused in the act of inhaling, with a slightly disappointed look on his face. "What is it? Don't tell me you have to change something, or rewrite it at the last minute. It's dinner time, Twilight! Can't it just go as it is?"

Pre-made excuses, and no flame. Good dragon. Excellent dragon. "-yes! I mean, no! No, it can't go as it is, and yes, I need to change it first." Change it into a pile of ash, in fact. "Just- just give it to me, and then we'll go and have lunch. I promise."

"Well, if you say so. Here you go." Spike shrugged, and offered up the letter in one clawed hand.

Twilight lunged across the room for it, skidding, barely in control of herself as her fingers reached out for the crimson ribbon. Her hoof landed heavily on Spike's tail.

A gust of green flame burst from his mouth as he howled in pain. The letter dissolved in it, evaporating as Twilight's fingers swept across his empty palm.

"Nooo!" she screeched.

"Owww! Twilight, what in the world-"

"No, no, no!" Twilight clutched both hands to her chest, dancing from hoof to hoof in jittery horror, then grabbed Spike's shoulders. "Get it back! Give it back?" Grabbing his lower jaw, she prised his lips apart and peered into his mouth, some bizarre part of her hoping to find the letter lodged in his mouth somewhere. His affronted tonsils looked back at her.

"Nooo!" she howled down his throat, then shut his mouth with both hands and grabbed fistfuls of her mane. "Did you send it? Did you burn it? Did you destroy it, tell me you destroyed it!"

"Twilight, I will bite you."

Somewhere in the wreckage of her mental processes, among the sheared axles and cogs half-embedded in the walls, what remained of Twilight's brain noticed that Spike looked rather offended.

"I- sorry. Sorry, very sorry, Spike. Sorry about your mouth. Um. Your tail, too. So. Gone? It's gone. Don't know where. Could be anywhere. Gone. Right."

"Good grief, Twilight!" Spike snatched his tail off the floor and rubbed it soothingly between his fingers, frowning at her. "Either Princess Celestia will have received it, or somepony will find it, read it, and pass it on to her. Did you misspell a word or something? She won't mind! Now my tail hurts, and I'm hungry," he finished grumpily.

Twilight's face wore something that, if looked at from the right angle, and interpreted generously, might have been in the vicinity of a smile. "I am really sorry. That wasn't your fault. Let's - let's go and have dinner. Yes. Dinner."

They had dinner. The meal was rather strained, with several pointed and increasingly heavy sighs from Spike, which Twilight ignored magnificently. Her attention was directed entirely inward, as she tried to picture Celestia's reaction. She was going to be disappointed. Shocked. Horrified. Furious. Which was the best case scenario, because if somepony found the letter first and read it...

If that pony handed that letter to the press...

If the press published it...

Twilight found herself wondering how far a hot air balloon could take her, with a stiff wind.

With a rictus smile, Twilight picked up her empty plate and reached for Spike's. "I'll, er, I'll do the washing up, shall I? Okay. Sorry, again."

Spike nodded, his arms folded. "Okay."

She carried the dirty plates into the kitchen and set them down in the sink, then set the water running over them to wash clean the worst of the dirt. Maybe he'd just incinerated it, and it hadn't gone anywhere. If she went into hiding for a few months, and no one found it, maybe, just maybe, she could show her face around Ponyville again.

The charmingly distinctive 'Braaaap' of a dragonling burping sounded behind her.

"Don't read it!" Twilight blinked out of existence, reappearing in the living room at Spike's side in mid-sentence, and snatched the letter out of his hands. Looking around frantically, she shoved it behind her back and smiled with manic cheeriness at Spike, as though he might have forgotten that she'd just received it.

"Twilight, what is wrong with you today? It's just from Princess Celestia, she must have got your letter safely." He laughed after a second. "I mean, unless it's a really crazy coincidence."

That was possible. Totally possible. Good suggestion. Good dragon. "Got to go open this sorry bye bye!" she blurted, and dashed for the stairs. Her hooves pounded against the wooden steps, creaking and groaning as she fled up them and into her room, slamming the door behind her. Seizing the seal, she yanked it free, then froze on the spot.

Did she really want to see what Celestia had to say? Was she really ready for this?

More slowly, wincing, she carefully unrolled the parchment and peered at it sideways, as though trying to read it without the letter noticing.

'My faithful student,

'I must say that I was more than a little surprised to receive your letter, and the feelings that you express within. They comfortably exceed the boundaries of what I might term friendship, and in truth, I had begun to conclude that you had little interest in matters of the heart. Naturally, I was intrigued by your eager offering of your cute flanks. I accept.'

Twilight stopped reading, and stared glassily into space.

This wasn't happening.

'I have enjoyed watching you grow into a young woman, Twilight, one I feel a great affection for. In my heart, you have long been more than a mere pupil of mine. Now that you have so dramatically displayed your desires, it will be my sincere pleasure in indulging them. I shall be visiting soon, and we shall discuss the things you have offered me. At length, and in detail.

'Sincerely, Princess Celestia'

"No - I mean, that was just a fantasy! I'm not ready for this!" she protested weakly at the letter in her hand. "You can't be serious!"

Yes, that was it. Princess Celestia had taken her letter unexpectedly well, and she was finding it amusing, and now she was writing back like this as part of one big joke that they'd laugh over when Princess Celestia arrived at her door.

Except that Celestia had no reason to think that Twilight's letter had been sent by accident. Twilight wouldn't send something like that as a joke. She wouldn't have sent it at all - no, no. She had to stay calm, and think it through. Celestia receives a letter from her, which confesses fiercely lewd desires. She has no reason to think it's anything but sincere. Celestia writes back a letter which accepts her desires and suggests she herself has feelings for Twilight. If that was a joke in response, it would mean Celestia making fun of what she thinks are sincere feelings.

Twilight's heart sank. The Princess wouldn't do that. So the most likely reason behind her response was... she meant it. Every word. That was okay, that was okay. She could just tell Princess Celestia that she'd accidentally sent her something she'd been writing for her own entertainment, and she didn't really mean all that, and...

Now that she thought about it, she really didn't know what Princess Celestia would do if she was spurned. She'd never heard of anyone dating the Princess, much less being offered her affections and refusing. Which, now that she thought about that, wasn't reassuring. Surely it must have happened.

The voice of Celestia sounded clearly in her mind. 'I'm sorry, Twilight, but I have a policy that I have to follow in these situations. I'll just give you some time to think over my offer, and then we'll have this conversation again.' Her horn would glow. Twilight pictured herself yelping, 'Are you sending me to the moon?' and Celestia would laugh, and she'd say, 'Of course not, Twilight. You're going to the sun. See you in a thousand years.'

Twilight lowered the letter, a sickly smile on her face. She was out of sunblock, too.

No, she was thinking about this all wrong. Wasn't she? Princess Celestia was going to come, and take her, and take off her clothes, and then things were going to get serious. Was that so bad? It did sound enticing, from a certain angle. It also sounded incredibly terrifying. What if she didn't live up to Celestia's expectations? She'd never so much as kissed another mare! She'd never properly, full on sexily kissed anypony!

What she needed, more than anything, was time. Time to think. She could just hold off on replying, and think this through carefully, and decide how to tell Celestia that this had all gotten a bit out of hand.

There was a sullen knock at her door. Rolling up the letter with jerky haste, Twilight called out, "What is it?" in a voice slightly too high-pitched to be natural.

The door opened. Spike appeared, with a scroll in his hand and a grumpy look on his face. "You got another letter. After the last one, I thought you'd want to read it yourself."

Coincidence. Coincidence? Yes, definitely! Absolutely. "Could you leave it with me, please, Spike?"

He heaved another pointed sigh. "Sure, sure."

"Thank you!" Twilight stayed frozen as he left the room, waited a beat longer, then lunged for the letter and tore open the seal. Celestia's familiar handwriting was unmistakable.

'You seem to be taking your time in replying, Twilight.'

That was all.

New plan! Write something, anything, to keep her occupied. Yes! Seizing parchment, Twilight hastily seized her quill and flicked the cork out of the ink bottle. Something adoring. Something that would buy her a few precious, banished-to-the-sun free minutes to think.

'Dearest Princess,

I feel overwhelmed by the idea that you might nurture in your heart an affection for me. I am very young, especially in your eyes. I can scarcely believe you could want to do as I've desired and strip me of my clothes, taking me into your embrace and holding me close to your divine body. Your body is just incredible, you should know that, your breasts are so soft and perfect that it's hard to look away from them.'

She was babbling. With effort, she pulled herself together.

'Teach me how to please you, and I'll show you how quickly I can learn new skills. I can't wait to see you, when I hope you'll take me as your very own.

With tender anticipation, Twilight Sparkle'

Could she live with that? Was that what she wanted?

...maybe. Sort of.

Was Princess Celestia going to come to her house, and have sex with her? Really? Her mind spun like a top. Visions of her most fevered fantasies began to swirl around her as she rose from the bed, her stomach swarming with butterflies. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing, no, she could see that now. This was - well, it was an accident, but she'd never have had the nerve to send Celestia anything like that on purpose.

She was going to make love to Princess Celestia. Those breasts, that rump. She wasn't lying when she confessed that it was truly hard to avoid staring into Celestia's endless cleavage, especially when she wore the tight, low-cut sun dresses. With the letter in her hand, her panic slowly receding now that she had made a decision, she descended the stairs quickly. "Spike! Spike, I have another letter. I'm really sorry about before, could you send this to Princess Celestia for me please?"

Spike looked up from the comic he was reading, giving Twilight a flat look. "More letters?"

"Please?" She clasped her hands together around the letter entreatingly.

"Oh, okay. Your number one assistant to the rescue." Taking the letter from Twilight, he took a deep, theatrical breath, then hesitated. His green eyes bulged.

Twilight's breath caught in her chest as she saw his nostrils twitch once, then twice. "Don't!" she howled.

"AACHOO!" A billowing tongue of green flame shot across the room, reflected in Twilight's eyes, and engulfed the letter.

The letter was gone, taking a significant chunk of her sanity with it. Spike looked up at her sheepishly.

Her hands buried themselves in her mane again. Her face was frozen in a manic smile. "Spiiiiike. Tell me that went to Princess Celestia. Tell me that, Spike. I need to hear those words."

"That letter went to Princess Celestia." He nodded firmly, then after a second, shrugged slightly.

"Spiiiiike."

"Probably. I mean, it's nearly certain. I was just thinking of where to send it as I sneezed, so I'm pretty sure."

"Spiiiiiike."

"Nine chances in ten. I mean, I sent the last one to Princess Celestia, and that was just you standing on my tail."

"Hehe. Heh." Twilight rubbed her face with both hands, then pulled herself together. "No, no. You're absolutely right. Absolutely. Totally right. That's with Princess Celestia. Yes."

"Twilight, what in the world have you been writing? You don't usually act like this."

Observant dragon. Problematic dragon. "I... I wrote some... personal things! To Princess Celestia. That's why... it was... very important! That she receive it. Safely. Without anypony else seeing it. Or ever knowing it existed." She nodded twice.

Spike shook his head, and reached up on tiptoe to pat her on the shoulder. "I'll make you some tea."

That was a fine idea, the sparking, short circuited wreckage of Twilight Sparkle's brain concluded, and to display her enthusiastic approval, she collapsed into a chair and stared blankly at the ceiling.

"...right. Just a minute." Spike gave her another dubious look, and trotted out of the room.

Everything was going to be fine. She was sure of it. Absolutely sure.

...what was she going to wear? What did you wear when your mentor, and your dear friend, and your divine ruler, and your sun goddess - all the same pony - came to have sex with you? What could possibly be worthy of her? Was there time to buy slinky underwear from Rarity? How would she explain it? Did she wear something simple? Maybe dress like she was in school again, she was sure she'd read something about schoolgirl outfits being attractive when worn by adult mares.

Maybe she should just be stark naked. That was terrifying all by itself, but it was simple.

"Twilight?"

"I wasn't thinking about anything!" she instantly protested, before relaxing slowly. "Oh. Hi, um. Spike. Is that tea for me? Thank you."

"...you're welcome. Twilight, did you-" Spike visibly cast around for a theory, then tried, "-eat something strange? Zecora said there are these mushrooms that you really shouldn't eat, they make you act funny."

"I'm not acting funny. Everything is just fine, Spike. I've got it all under control."

A brief gout of green fire flashed in front of her, and a sealed letter dropped into Spike's hand. "Seriously?" he muttered, poking it with a claw, then shaking it.

Twilight's cup rattled against the saucer. "I'd like to read that, please, Spike. Thank you." Accepting the letter, she paused, then looked at the cup in her hand. Nope. She was not going to read the letter with a mouthful of tea. Not going to happen. Determinedly, she set the letter down on the arm of her chair, and drained the cup in one long series of swallows. Setting it aside, she declared to no one in particular, "There. Self control. No more running around like a panicked chicken. Everything is fine."

She opened the letter.

'Twilight Sparkle,

'I hadst not anticipated thy letter, nor thy feelings. I had never considered you in such a manner; to me you were a friend, and a trusted one, who wouldst not fear me as others do. Only now do I see that thy desires had far surpassed what I believed possible.

'Your gentle words kindle a light in my breast, Twilight, which I hadst thought that no young pony could awaken again. Now, I cannot imagine how I had not desired thee before, thy bright eyes and keen mind, thy slim and soft body. I shall come to thee, and together we shall make love such as none hath seen in centuries.

'Thy lover and companion, Princess Luna'

Twilight's eye twitched.

She set down the letter. Twilight had experienced the rapids and shoals of mindless panic, but now she'd left those rough waters far behind, finding some strange, calm pool beyond. Clearly, and rationally, she told herself: I may have just destroyed Equestria.

Prediction: if Celestia found out that she was now dating Luna, they would argue. Luna would thus learn that Twilight was also dating her sister. Luna had an exceptionally poor track record of managing jealousy, particularly when it was directed towards Celestia. Worst case: Nightmare Jilted Girlfriend Moon.

A little whimper escaped Twilight's scarcely-parted lips.

Okay. What if she refused Celestia, and dated Luna? My, that would be interesting. How well would Celestia take that, she wondered? Twilight was seized with a very deep, very sincere desire not to find out.

Refuse Luna and date Celestia. Seriously Nightmare Not Even Kidding Moon again. Fine. Jilt them both, never date anypony. That might work, until they jointly turned up to banish her to whichever celestial body they personally favoured, found she was dating them both, blamed each other for her dropping them both and frig frig frig.

Move away, change her name, and become some sort of crazy hermit in a cave in the back of nowhere. That was sounding like a more and more attractive option with every second, and if one thing dissuaded her, it was the clear and certain knowledge that they would find her.

Which left her exactly one option: date them both, don't tell them, and pray really, really hard that they never found out. Look into duplication spells, then they could have a Twilight each. Kidnap another Twilight from another dimension or something. Alternate Twilight didn't deserve this mess, but Twilight was up to her neck in it and pretty willing to share it around.

The first thing, she thought with the distant, floating tranquillity of the utterly screwed, was to reply to Luna. Celestia too, because Celestia still thought she hadn't replied yet, and if the follow up letter had taught her anything, it was that Celestia did not wish to be kept waiting for her reply.

"Spike! Parchment!"

"Twilight, will you just tell me what's going on?"

Twilight swivelled towards Spike without appearing to move her feet. Spike took a step backwards.

"Spiiike. It's really, really important that I respond to these letters. Please?"

"Er. Right. Sure. Parchment and ink, coming right up."

Twilight sat down again, gazing at nothing as a desk was set down in front of her, and a quill pushed into her hand. Taking two sheets of parchment, she began filling them both out at the same time.

'Dear Princess Celestia, I'm filled with joy at your response-

'Dear Princess Luna, I'm so glad that you feel that way-

'I pine for you each day-

'I lie awake at night, thinking of you-

'I want only to trace your golden flanks with my fingers-

'-I picture caressing your crescent marks with my lips-

'I am but a young mare, and I-

'-know little of the ways of love, but I-

'- can't wait to see you, all of you. Your thighs -

'-your glorious ass and breasts. I am jittery with -

'-excitement, and need, I am ready and-

'-eager to learn.'

'With anticipation, Twilight'

Twilight finished off the twin letters, then nodded firmly. This time, there would be no mistakes. She would not allow a single way for this to go wrong. First, she wrote in bold letters on the first, 'To be opened only by Princess Celestia, private,' and then enchanted the seal to endure under the touch of anyone but her divine teacher. That handled, she made out the second scroll to Luna, and double checking the text to make sure she hadn't mixed up the two, she sealed that as well.

Spike swallowed as Twilight rose with the two bound rolls of parchment in her hands, having watched her frantic scribbling with a distinct air of nervousness. "So uh, you want me to send those to Princess Celestia?"

"Okeedoke, Spike! No hiccups? No tickly noses? Nothing poised to fall on your toes, or anything, everything safe?" Twilight's smile was manic.

"No! I mean, yes. I mean, everything is just fine!"

"This one goes to Princess Celestia. Send it, please."

Green flame incinerated the parchment. Twilight nodded with satisfaction. "Now, this one to Princess Luna."

Spike took the scroll and focused, blowing a short, intense gout of green flame across it. "There! Ah-heh. Everything okay?"

Twilight's shoulders sagged, and she wrapped her arms around Spike. "I accidentally asked Princess Celestia to be my girlfriend!"

Spike's mouth opened, and closed. "Oh?" he managed.

"She said yes!" Twilight's tone carried mingled fascination and dread. "I didn't know what to do! So I wrote her back, to get some time, but then it went to Princess Luna! So now she's my girlfriend too! So now I'm trying to keep them both happy until I can think of a really good disguise spell and hide under a big, big rock."

"...huh. Really?" Spike shook his head. "Do you want me to get you some flowers?"

Twilight stared. Whatever was left of her brain collapsed into smoking ruin. "...I, uh, didn't think of that. Flowers. Good idea."

"Hey, it's no problem. It's not every day that you get to have two Princesses fighting over who gets to go out with you."

"But - the sun crashing into the moon! The sky turning inside out! Doom, Spike! I wrote an innocent letter - well, not an innocent letter - I wrote a letter and probably ended the world, how do you even do that?" she squeaked.

"Well, if anypony was going to do that, it was kind of going to be you."

Twilight Sparkle, the Smutty Destroyer of Worlds, stared at him. Nope. Plan B. Plan B. There wasn't going to be fantastic, terrifying sex, there was going to be an utter disaster, and there was only one way to escape it. "Spike. Get me the books on disguise magic."

"Which one?"

"All the books, Spike."

A knock sounded on the door. Immediately, a husky voice squawked, "Don't open it!"

Consider Twilight Sparkle. She has undergone some changes.

For a start, she's a gryphon.

Through admirable, focused, terror-driven research, Twilight is now coated head to toe in some of the most powerful disguise magic that Equestria has ever seen. Her hands and feet have become dusky blue talons, her head sports a sculpted mane of feathers, her slight build has filled out, and broad wings that she doesn't know how to even pretend to use lie tightly furled against her back. If her truly excellent disguise has a flaw, it may be that her feathers remain bright purple.

"I'm not ready! I'm not ready! Don't get the door!"

Princess Celestia's voice, low and amused, sounded clearly from outside. "Spike. Would you open the door?"

Spike looked at Twilight, then at the door, then back at Twilight. "Uh... there's no one home?" he called hopefully.

Twilight tried to bury her face in her hand, and smacked herself in the beak. "Ow!"

The door bolts drew back, under a sheen of golden magic, and the door snapped open. Celestia stepped inside. Her sun dress, accented with gold, was slit up the thighs to bare hints of her sunburst cutie mark. Her chest, barely contained by the low cut neckline, swayed with each step. "It's important to ask first, wouldn't you agree?"

Spike stared. "Uh, yes, I guess so-"

"I couldn't agree more, my sister."

Luna stepped through the doorway. As dark as her sister was fair, she wore a clinging evening dress that sparkled with tiny stars, giving her the impression of the night sky come to life. A small bag dangled from her hand.

Twilight, very slowly and carefully, took a step backwards. Then another. So this was the sensation of all her feathers standing on end.

Spike stepped in front of her. "Uh, Twilight isn't here right now. This is... Blueberry... Purplebeak."

Luna inspected Twilight. Twilight stared back, frozen rigid to the spot. "Her beak is blue."

"Yes! Yes, and she... gets teased for it... often." Spike nodded twice. "It's very sad. That's why she's staying with Twilight right now."

Celestia reached down to her waist, and untied a hefty white pouch. Turning to Spike, she levitated the pouch out of her hands and into his, without taking her eyes off Twilight. The top unfastened, revealing the glint of the golden bits that stuffed it to the brim. "Spike, would you like to go and buy some ice cream? Take your time."

"Ooooh." Spike examined the pouch of bits, picking one out and testing it between his claws. "That's a lot of bits. But I had an ice cream a few days ago, and it's kind of cold out. You know, we only just had the running of the leaves."

Princess Luna strolled over to stand in front of Spike, then slowly bent down until she was eye to eye with him. "Spike. You stand before two of the most powerful ponies in Equestria. We have reigned for thousands of years. We create the day and the night. We are thy absolute rulers. And we say-"

She added a second pouch of golden bits to the first, without taking her eyes off him. "Go and have an ice cream. Do not hurry back."

His eyes sought out Twilight's. She nodded quickly. "Right. Got it. I'll go have an ice cream."

"Very good."

"Maybe two."

"Indulge thyself."

"Then maybe I'll ask if I can maybe have a sleepover with the Apple family tonight?" he tried experimentally.

"That would be most appropriate."

Spike backed out of the tree house, with a mouthed 'Good luck!' at Twilight. The door closed behind him.

Twilight broke the silence, in her newly scratchy voice. "So, hey. Hey, Princess. Princesses. How about I go have an ice cream too? Get out of your manes, clear the decks, let you wait for this Twilight character. Whoever she is. Maybe she'll come back soon. Oh! You know, she said she was going to the gryphon kingdoms, or something. Really urgent. Fate of Equestria stuff. She looked really sad. I was just minding the house for her. Yep."

Celestia snapped her fingers. The disguise fell away in a fountain of purple smoke, dispersing to leave Twilight's manic smile. "Oh."

"Hello, Twilight. It has truly been a day of surprises," Celestia told her, a warm smile on her lips.

"Especially when your letters to us both arrived whilst I was taking tea with my sister," added Luna.

"I can explain. Probably. Kind of. I mean, if I keep talking, I'll say something that counts as an explanation eventually. Right? Right. Better idea: I'll research an explanation. Over the next, oh six months maybe? Yes? No?"

"You were seeking to seduce both my sister and I, Twilight. I admit that I am rarely this impressed."

"As am I, sister mine. Of course, even taking aside my absence, it has been many centuries since last we had shared a consort."

"Would you not consider Twilight worthy?"

"Indeed, my sister. She is most worthy of thine affections, and my own."

No way. Nope. This wasn't happening. Had Discord escaped? This felt like Discord. Twilight nodded along to the conversation, her eyes wide, trying to think of what to say. Something. Anything. Treat it like an exam: what would the appropriate thing to say be, if Princess Celestia said-

"Have you brought the paddle, sister?"

"Glub," remarked Twilight articulately.

Luna opened the bag and drew out a leather paddle. "Indeed I have, my sister. I was pleased that you had kept it in such good repair."

"It has been some time since it was used, but this is a special occasion. The sheer audacity of trying to hide what you were doing from us both, Twilight. You will have to be punished a little."

"Okay. Okay. Let's just put down the... the paddle, and let's just talk about this."

The Princesses glanced at each other, and their horns lit as one. Smoothly, with the ease of long practise, their dresses loosened, and peeled off their bodies. Celestia and Luna stood, gloriously nude, wearing nothing but heels.

Twilight swallowed, her mouth dry. "Or... or maybe... you can just go right ahead with whatever you were about to do."

As the clack of approaching heels sounded on the hardwood floor, and she felt the pull of their mingled magic tugging at her clothes, Twilight surrendered to the inevitable.

Maybe she'd have to arrange an 'accident' with one of her Cadence letters, too.

Author's Note

I can totally believe Twilight writes these.

-Proofing by the ever vigilant Setokaiva