Twilight Doesn't Know Yak

by anonpencil

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Other, Profanity, Random, Human, Yaks
Length: 1371

With the Yak delegates in town and Pinkie away on a mission, Twilight is at a total loss for how to handle the situation. Good thing Anon is there, with memories of being in a college frat, to help!

Will those Yaks never learn to behave?

Twilight has no idea how to handle the destructive, angry, and whiney attitudes of the Yak delegates when they come to town. She's tried being nice, she's tried giving everything they ask for, but nothing seems to make them happy. As a last resort she turns to her...er...friend Anon for advice.
Lucky for her, he has memories of community building from back when he was in a frat in college. Surely, what works on dumb new pledges will work on yaks, right?

-written drunk, should be read drunk too :heart: -

Published 2015-10-14 22:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-14 22:40:01 UTC

Things are getting pretty hairy...

It has been two days since the Yak delegates arrived, and already Twilight has reached her wit’s end. Even now, as they’re off crashing and smashing through a nearby room and she has a moment of peace, you can see how shot her nerves are. Her hair is frazzled, her wings slump, and she’s twitchy as all hell. You’ve come to the conclusion that, seriously, this bitch needs to calm the fuck down.

“Look babe, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” you say with a shrug.

That’s about as close as you get to being actually comforting. Twilight shakes her head, chewing her lower lip.

“But Anon, how are we ever going to get these Yaks to be happy here?”

Twilight paces back and forth in front of you, over and over again, her face registering but worry. It’s almost like that time she came to you saying she thought she might be with foal, except you don’t think a surprise falcon-punch to the stomach is going to help you this time. Never mind that she wasn’t prego after all, you had still always been curious to see if unicorns vomit sparkles.

To your great childish joy, they do. But back to the matter at hand…

The yaks have been here for such a short time, and already they’re destroying everything they get their hooves on. They hate their beds, they hate their food, they hate ponies…they pretty much hate everything and complain all the damn time. Nothing is good enough, everything makes them feel offended and shit. If Ponyville had fucking violent emo kids, they would be these yaks.

You shrug at her again.

“Call Pinkie, that’s what worked last time.”

She shakes her head again, looking even more worried now.

“I can’t, she’s away on some sort of mission in the Crystal Empire, and I don’t know how to contact her!”

You scratch your chin and consider this for a moment. So, you’re all she has, huh? Also, none of her friends are here to make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid, like how last time she got so drunk she tried to suck on Princess Celestia’s horn. That’s something to do later, but it does give you an idea.

“So, what you’re saying is that you need the Yaks to stop hating everything, calm down, and not be able to destroy things like they are, yeah?”

“Yeah pretty much, and I’d like them to really embrace the feelings of love and friendship here.”

As the idea occurs to you in full now, you break into a smile.

“Well, I have some thoughts about how to do a little community building, back from when I was in a frat in college. I don’t think it would solve all those problems, but it could help. Might actually make some thing worse, but…”

“Anything!” Twilight cries out. “If it works, do it! Just please do whatever you want, I don’t care!”

Your grin widens. Those are some of your favorite words, and they’re vague enough to let you ignore any potential consequences later.

“Tell Applejack to bring me all the cider she’s got, and I’ll meet you back here in four hours.”

She blinks, looking hopeful and yet skeptical.

“Anon are you-“

“I’m sure, Twilight. Just go get the damn booze.”

She gives you a thankful smile, nods, and leaves in the direction of Applejack’s farm. You look on, eying dat sweet purply booty for a moment before she’s put of sight. Sending Twilight on a beer run sounds like a good way to lose money, to be honest. Good thing Applejack gives that shit away for free. And you’re not just talking about the cider.

——

Four hours later, Twilight returns as instructed.

“Anon, I’m back!” she calls. “Have the Yak’s…”

As she enters the room, she freezes, and you turn a proud, beaming smile in her direction. She stares back at you with absolute horror and confusion, and you follow her eyes around the room as she takes in the glorious scene you have so masterfully created. The yaks have certainly stopped hating everything. In fact, you’re pretty sure they love you, ponies, life, and everything that has ever existed or will ever exist. If anyone needs proof of this, they only have to take a brief glance around the room

One yak splays himself naked across the couch, burping softly and occasionally scratching his exposed genitals. Another two stand in the middle of the room, one trying to drink an entire barrel full of cider through a tube while the other cheers him on in low, slurred, grunting chants.
Two other yaks sit on a very broken table that is surrounded by crumpled red plastic cups and ping-pong balls. They have their front legs around each other and are swaying back and forth chanting something about how shaved bitches are the worst, and how screwing them makes your dick all cold when it’s snowing out. Occasionally, one stops to tell the other ‘I love you man…”

Various spills, stains, and trash coats the floor and walls of the castle room. It’s filthy, and made this way so efficiently. In fact, you’re fairly certain most of that is some for of yak bodily fluid. You turn away from the beautiful scene, still very proud, back to Twilight.

“See? Told you I’d fix things,” you announce.

“What did you DO?” she shrieks.

You hold a finger to your lips and slur out a shush. No need for her to harsh the vibe in here right now. Also…fuck, how much did you have to drink? You’re pretty sure you’ve kept up with these yaks, so probably a lot. Nothing you and your much-abused liver can’t take though.

“What did you do?” she whispers again.

“I got them drunk,” you say with a shrug. “Getting people drunk together solves everything. Well, except alcoholism, and I might actually argue that one.”

Her face grows red, then pale, and her teeth clench in anger.

“Why did you…how…what…”

You shrug again.

“Hey, it always seems to work on you when you’re all bent out of shape and I need to get a little…heh, quality time with you.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Anyway, I don’t see the problem. They’re all happy right?”

Damn, what’s this bitch all twitchy and upset about? She keeps scanning the room, looking more and more afraid by the moment, and her lower eyelid keeps popping up and down like she’s got some sort of brain damage.

“W-where’s the ambassador?” she says suddenly in a panicked murmur. “I don’t see him!”

“Oh, he’s in the bathroom. Been there for a while.”

“What on earth is he doing there for so long?”

Huh, why is he taking so long? Well, he’s…oh fuck. You feel a tightness rise in your chest as you suppress a gleeful giggle. You beckon Twilight over to you.

“You probably shouldn’t disturb him,” you say, voice cracking under the weight of your own amusement. “But don’t worry. He had a lot to drink, and he said he felt a little sick,so he’s probably just…”

Twilight leans closer.

“He’s probably what?”

“He’s…”

She leans closer still as your voice gets quieter.

“Yes?”

“He’s…”

“YES? He’s….what?!”

Your voice drops to a whisper, and you lean right up to Twilight’s ear. Your voice trembles as you at last speak.

“Twilight…he’s….yaking.”

She stares at you in open amazement and disgust as you collapse onto the ground, writhing in laughter. Then, without another word and just a haughty groan of frustration, she leaves you with your new yak fraternity, to enjoy the bonds of brotherhood you so carefully constructed. Eh, fuck her anyway. Bro’s before ho’s.

Yep. Alcohol always solves everything.

-End-

Author's Note

It had been too long since you guys got a drunken oneshit, so here ya go. Too much serious stuff here recently. This was inspired by the simple words "frat boy anon," and I went with it. So whoever suggested that, thanks. You helped me make something that doesn't involve blood or sex.
Still vomit though. I wouldn't let you down like that. :heart:

Anyway, thanks for reading and hope you got a chuckle.

-Pencil