Doesn't That Feel Better?

Chapters

Doesn't That Feel Better Now?

Doesn't That Feel Better Now?

Before tonight, Sunset Shimmer would only be screaming out of her sleep.

Pale, sweating, squirming and trembling, the fingers on her left hand threatened to tear apart her bedsheets, whereas that of her right threatened to tear out her hair. Her whimpers shivered like a withered flower in a gale, her cheeks streaking with ribbons of accursed dampness. Her eyes were frozen at the floor she had just sullied instinctively with the contents of last night's dinner, some of the bland aftertaste still lingering at the roof of her mouth. Her lip was hurting from the row of teeth sinking in, but that was quickly resolved when she realized she could still feel pain. When reality greeted her once more, Sunset Shimmer drew her knees closer to her chest and hugged them tight, nails leaving marks into her tender skin and, realizing that she lived alone without any of her friends around to bother her or ask any stupid, annoying questions, cried.

The irregular pounding in her chest was strangling her by her throat, punching out meeks squeals from time to time. She hugged her knees tighter and buried her pathetic face within them. She cried and cried and cried, as that were the only three things she knew she had to do. She cried to the night like she never did before, mostly because she never did.

When she stopped, she just sat there, curled up at her bed and looked at the abysmal crack between her thighs.

Reality knocked a second time.

"F-Fuck..."

Slowly, Sunset Shimmer got out of her bed, taking care not to step into the sticky swamp she had made. She made her way to the kitchen and returned with a mop and bucket, spending a solemn minute or two cleaning up the mess. Soon after, she headed towards the bathroom sink, treating her face with a splash of cold water and rinsing her mouth free of distasteful bile. When that was done, she threw herself back into her bed and stared longingly up beyond the ceiling and into the distant stars.

How did it all come to this?

Slinking out of her bed again, she made her way back to the kitchen.

"I need a drink."

Throwing open the refrigerator, Sunset grabbed a cup and a bottle of cheap beer she had bought the other day and headed to the living room. Popping the cork, she poured herself a cupful, hoisted it up and downed it all in a single chug before she even placed the bottle down. Her throat burned and her nose crinkled, and when it all ran down, she couldn't resist the urge to hack and cough. That didn't deter her from downing a second and a third, though as she poured her fourth, she drew the line. Cleaning up once was enough for her.

One downed drink and a coughing fit later, Sunset Shimmer tossed her tousled hair back and sank into the couch.

How did it all come to this?

It was the same nightmare. Every time, it had been the same nightmare. Tonight was no different. Each time, it wasn't her. Each time, when the agonizing screams reached her ears as she picked the other person apart, it wasn't her. The worst of it so far had featured one or two of her friends: seeing them suffering like that warranted a sob or two when she woke up, disgusted and ashamed at herself. Tonight should've been the same.

It wasn't.

She was there.

It was the first time she was there.

She was screaming, just like the others, yet it horrified her more than it usually did.

What's more, Sunset Shimmer feared it could only get worse.

"I can't do this anymore."

She had contemplated ending it all before, though her intelligence and pride told her otherwise. She had considered seeing a therapist about it, but she knew saying that she turned into the devil incarnate would only get her as much as a stare. She even talked to her friends about it, but their words of comfort weren't enough to quell her nightmares. If anything, it only did the contrary.

"That's it," she firmly declared to herself.

"I have to do this."

There was one way out of this.

One way she knew best at.

"I have to get out of here."

Cycling at night seemed like a chore.

It was truly a chore, in fact. For Sunset Shimmer, she was cycling to run away into the night. Away from asphalt roads and buzzing lampposts, down the road to a dense field of trees. To escape to a place where she knows no one could find her, where she could be safe. Sunset was cycling plainly because it was faster than relying on her two feet. Sure, she could run as fast as Rainbow Dash could if she put her heart into it, but it would be loud and clumsy, not the most reliable method of escaping.

Sunset wondered when was the last time she was free from her dingy apartment. She stayed there only because when she came here, that was the cheapest home she could find that looked halfway decent. The principal did invite her to stay at the dorms, but with her plans of world domination back then, it was out of the question. Even after the Fall Formal, Principal Celestia still insisted on that offer, but she knew that if she did, her nightmares would cast her into the spotlight and every single student at Canterlot High will be pestering her with the bothersome, predictable questions which would be a greater nightmare to sort through.

If there's anything she learned from Equestria, she knew one thing.

"No one can save you. You have to save yourself."

That was why she was cycling now, only bringing along what she knew was necessary: her map, her purse full of money and her credentials, a set of clean clothes to change into and a music player to accompany her through her escapade. It would be a short journey, with little obstacles and even lesser turns, though she enjoyed every minute of it, feeling the wind tossing back her hair and bristling across her skin. She felt freer than ever and it put a little grin on her face.

It would only be a short journey.

It would also be a shorter night.

She could only run so far.

The rubber tyres of her bicycle grazed a little gravel off the main road as it hiked onto a dirt path, the scenery cutting into one of leafy branches and unkempt shrubs. After almost an hour, her cycling finally slowed, her destination coming into view: an old cottage, abandoned long time ago but rediscovered during a trek through the jungle. Before it was a small wooden port that lead out to grand lake, shimmering with ripples of moonlight bouncing off the waves. Tied to the port was a wooden rowboat, complete with twin oars just crying to be used.

It was her sanctuary, this best-kept secret.

For her and her alone.

Sunset Shimmer parked her bicycle aside, taking her belongings as she headed into the cottage. She had escaped unseen, definitely, but she knew it wouldn't last forever. Nothing was ever meant to last forever, after all. She hated that idea, that she couldn't spend eternity being at peace. She hated that she couldn't be happy, no matter how hard she tried. She hated that she had to go back to have those same nightmares in the confines of her apartment. Still, she gazed on somberly at the lake before her, she should make out the most of what she can before her friends find her.

"Now or never, Sunset," she mumbled to herself.

"Now or never."

Fingers reaching for her music player, Sunset soon found the play button and, without hesitation, gave it a push. The disc inside it began spinning and, as the first beats of the drum echoing from the speakers filled the silence, Sunset Shimmer began to sing along:

So you threw away your heart again...

The silence that once filled the air was now flowing with music.

In a rowboat in the middle of the lake, Sunset Shimmer stared up into the darkness of the night. She was in the grace of the tune that was playing, her eyes closed in the rhapsody, her head bobbing steadily along with the beat. She was at peace, serene. She was basking in the tranquility of her solitude. She wasn't happy, yes, but she was content. That was it, simple as that.

The nightmare was replaying over and over in her head, yet Sunset Shimmer bravely held up her smile. The screams were getting louder than the music, yet Sunset Shimmer latched tightly onto her composure. Fingers tapping at her kneecaps, her eyes brimmed with moisture, which began leaking when she opened them to see the moon. Her right hand reached out of the boat, a shiver running up to her head as the cold water embraced her fingertips. Glancing down at the pristine lake, her reflection stared back at her, to which she could only smile a sad smile.

She was still a mess.

Never happier than she was than when she left her apartment.

Yet, beneath the cracking facade, she saw a shimmer of peace.

A ray of hope.

Suddenly, she jumped up to her feet, the twisting knots of her nightmares coupling with the crescendo of the music. She faced the moon laughing before her, joints and muscles tensing with both hands clenched into tight fists. When her last layers of her composure had finally shattered away, tears now falling freely in rivulets down her cheeks, she let out a loud, piercing scream!

She screamed at everything!

She screamed at the lake for mocking her looks!

She screamed at the moon for its false pity!

She screamed at the starry sky for boasting its beauty!

Most of all, she screamed at herself!

For doing what she had done! For all the wrongs she had caused! For the mistakes, the mishaps, the misunderstandings! She screamed at the times she was happy and the times she was not! She screamed for trying to drink her tears away, for contemplating suicide, for running away from her friends! She screamed at her nightmares for keeping her awake! She screamed at the decisions she made and those she will make, the paths she took and those that she will take! She screamed her life out at her life, because it was all she could do! She could only scream!