MADHOUSE

by datdamnface

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 2761

Just your standard run of the mill HiE.

Oh wait a minute, I'm writing this.

Expect a mindfuck so unholy A Russian Pornstar has to console you

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-25 04:14:01 UTC

MADHOUSE

(A/N: All ye who enter here, disregard all notions of "sanity")

It had been a long, long day. And all he'd looked forward to, was some ponies.

"HAPPY HAPPY, JOY JOY! HAPPY HAPPY, JOY JOY!"

He did not, look forward, to this.

Currently, he was sitting, backed into a wall as Pinkie Pie in an octopus costume, or rather, Pinkie the Octopus and Discord the giant flopping spiky dildo were singing happy joy joy.

"You know, the only thing I find wrong about this is the fact that I'm so mesmerized." He commented casually as his eyes followed the yellow flopping....thing.

"Why yes my good sir! I am quite pleasing to the eye am I not?"

Literally it was Discord's face flopping around on a dick with spikes attached to it.

"...You look like something from a Pornstar's nightmares." Commented Mr. Author.

Brushing himself off, the author picked himself up and casually walked to his computer, calmly disregarding the R34 minecraft TNT's faithfully recreating the human centipede.

....And the necro-fluttershy crawling out of the rotting corpse of Rainbow Dash....like a worm would crawl out of an apple.

....And the Disco Ball floating around his room shooting epileptic cats like it was the porygon episode.

Oh, and there was a portal to Equestria behind his bed.

...

....

...

WAT.

Mr. Author casually walked over and shoved his bed in.

It actually went through.

Well.....shit. He mused casually rubbing the top of his dark brown head.

The decision however, was swiftly made. On account of Pinkie the Octopus now going at it with Chrysalis.

...And by going at it, I mean she was pushing her tentacles into Chrysalis's hoof-holes.

....And Chrysalis was moaning and panting.

"Yup, I'm outta here."

The author calmly fetched his imaginary jetpack, slapped that shit on and had a grand old time!- I mean he walked over to the portal

"ARF ARF!" As soon as he was about to step through, his little corgie walked in, tail wagging happily.

"Aww, can't be forgetting you now can I Will?" He mused picking him up and placing the little dog in his aviator's jet coat pocket.

"TO INFINITY! AND BEYOND!" He shouted, lightly nudging the jetpack.

It came to life and blasted them through the portal like it was trying to get them to the moon.

"HAVE NO FAITH! JETPACK IS HERE!"

...Oh, it seems it was.

======================

Rarity rolled her eyes in ecstasy, tongue waggling as the quivering meaty bit came around for the second round. This time however, she was prepared, and opened her mouth accordingly to make room for it's enormous girth.

"MMM! Twilight dear!"

"Yes Rarity?"

"It's so massive!"

Twilight too moaned in ecstasy as the juice poured from the moist greenery

"Twilight dear! You simply make the best sandwiches!

The two giggled as they sat in the meadow.

Yeah, Twilight hadn't been moaning due to the sandwich....

Rarity looked up from her sandwich, frowning at all the sweat on her lavender friend's face.

"Twilight dear? Is there something wrong?"

Twilight blinked thrice and stuttered out a response.

"Uh! No! Nothing really!"

Inside Twilight's mind

DAT FLANK

DAT FLANK

DAT FLANK

I AM GOING TO HIT THAT HARDER THAN THE TWIN TOWERS

The last thought seemed to come from out of nowhere as she shook her head. Her fluster and blush now considerably cleared.

"Yeah! I got some practice cuz I crammed so much." She giggled, remembering all the late nights of meandering down to the pantry and smacking together a sandwich.

All of a sudden, they heard a screeching noise.

As something flew from the sky and embedded itself into the tree next to them.

The blowback blew their picnic away and left the two mares dazed and confused.

"FACE! PAIN. MY." The voice shouted, followed by a shriek of agony.

Oh, and a bark.

Rarity's eyes perked as thing which'd crashed into the tree put both legs against the trunk and heaved, freeing itself after two or three times.

"FUCK."

"....."

"...."

"..."

".....Arf?"

The silence was cut short as a little dog's head peaked from between the tall thing's jacket.

And both of them squealed. They squealed with such frequency it was akin to a dog whistle.

===============

"Hey Fluttershy!" Pinkie piped, meeting her good friend on the street.

Fluttershy was talking to a tall ape like human. Their species had begun popping up in different parts of Equestria only recently.

"And I really think the Sanguine root would be the best for the squirrels seeing as how they seem to have come down with a case of Squirrel pox."

This particular human went by the name of "Alpha". He was tall, white, a bit feral at times, and lived in the Everfree.

...Really he was more a wolf than human.

"Oh! High Pinkie." Fluttershy blushed. Pinkie grew a scowl as she eyed the human up and down. For his part, he simply sat there with a bored expression.

"What were you two doing anyway?" She  questioned rather comically.

"Well the last time I checked, I was placing my dick, squarely between your optic cavity and the front of your cranium." He replied, as casually as if he was giving her the time of day.

......Okie dokie lokie..." She replied backing away.

All of a sudden, another human ran down the middle of the street, holding a corgi up and above his head.

"BITCHES WANT MY WEINER."  He shouted, Rarity and Twilight chasing him down with more want in their eyes than a starving african child eyeing a banquet.

"WEINER WANTS YO BITCHES." The dog shouted back.

The man stopped for a minute to observe his dog.

"You can talk?"

"Well I have a mouth that opens, SO THAT MUST MEANS I GIVE BLOWJOBS!" It exclaimed with enough sarcasm to kill an elephant.

".....Bad Wilhelm. Bad." The human said, resuming his run. Somehow not being caught in the 5 or so minutes he had taken.

Alpha eyed him with a mixture of revolt, amusement, and complete and total shock.

The other human, who had yet to be named, tucked the dog under his arm and ran as if his angry nymphomaniac wife was chasing him with a dildo and a knife.

That bitch ran like fuck.

"Yeah. I'm gonna see where this is going." Alpha mumbled as he too, took off after the duo.

Meanwhile, our protagonist and his faithful companion who has yet to be named were running like all hell, along the way attracting mares like it was mating season.

Soon enough, they were running down the road to Canterlot, a ton of squeal happy mares chasing them.

"AWWW SHEEEEET." Said Wilhelm the dog, somehow acquiring a gibus. All of a sudden, the nameless protaganist stopped.

"Wait a minute...that's right. I'm in Equestria. Lol fuck this I'm out." And with that, he held Wilhelm straight above him and blasted off like Apollo Eleven, at full speed into the ozonic layer.

================

Princess Alka Seltzer and Period Luna were hazing a Royal Guardsman by repeatedly reading him horrendous grammatically incorrect sentences and forcing him to spell them correctly. All while his fellow initiates and those in the Royal Guard themselves cheered "chug! Chug! Chug!" That is to say, he also had a female (clad in Dominatrix wear) pegasi pouring Fermented Applejuice.

How fermented you say?

About a hundred year old, vintage to be precise.

"ALRIGHT FINAL ROUND! SPELL CORRECTLY GUARDSMAN AND YOU WILL JOIN THE RANKS OF YOUR BRETHEREN!" Screamed Luna above the cacophony of about 30 ponies either whooping, screaming, and or having an orgy.

"MASTER FOSTER, WHOM I HAZ JUST MET WANTED WUT?! SPELL THAT CORRECTLY!"

The guardsman's eyes rolled into the back of his head.

"Mishter faughters wh-" he threw up. "I hauv joust met! Watted? Vat?" and with that, he passed out.

Princess Solar Pickles exchanged a glance with her sister.

"....Close enough." And with that, went up a whoop so loud it shattered glass. He had done it! The first ever earth pony to pass the "initiation" ceremony infamous for it's utter insanity.

Almost as soon as they'd finished, a man burst through the wooden ceiling of the shack the royal sisters and guard used for their rather un-orthadox ceremonies.

For a brief second, there was absolute silence.

Around here is when I stopped trying to go for insanity and just stopped giving a fuck. Brace your mind, or whatever's left of it.

Meanwhile, Alpha had somehow persuaded Derpy to give him a lift to Canterlot.

"INCOMING!"

"Watch out Derpy you're gonna hit the-" he never got to finish that sentence as Derpy crashed into a small shack on the outskirts of the capitol city, sending Alpha careening in through the wood.

"Well, in all honesty, that couldn't have gone any better-" again he interrupted himself as he gazed upon the insanity in front of him.

Our nameless protagonist was in the middle of one of the biggest moshpits known to ponykind, or man in this case. With a blank expression, Alpha languidly side-stepped as a guardspony flew by him. Screaming all the way.

"Come at me brethren! Shouted our main character, somehow loosing his clothing as he punched, kicked, bit, and pissed his way through the writhing mess of fighting bodies.

From what he could see, Alpha observed some of the guardsponies fighting, some of them fucking, others doing both. One in particular had a bottle of Applejack Daniels in one hoof, a pony equivalent to brass knuckles on the other, and all the while he was rutting a mare with her face firmly set in the ground, ass up of course. Oh, and she was shrieking like a banshee.

"Like a baws." Commented Alpha casually, leaning against the doorframe as the ensuing madhouse threatened to spill onto the streets.

All of a sudden, he heard a scream...that couldn't quite be described. The closest thing would be a zombie from Half-life. Either way, it was scary and accompanied by yet another voice.

"I HAVE NOT SEEN ENOUGH HENTAI TO KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!" Screamed Wilhelm as The Nameless One burst forth from a literal bumble-fuck of bodies.

He'd somehow managed to lose all his cloths as he ran through the masses ass-naked. Oh, and his head was gone, so was the neck, instead replaced by the flailing end of a octopus/japanese nightmare. Really he looked like a zombie from Resident Evil once you blow their heads off and the giant maggot/worm/dildo pops up and is all like 'HALLO!'

Sorry, got a little side-tracked there. In one of the many flailing tentacles, the small figure that was Wilhelm did his own bit of flailing and screaming. Most likely because of the abomination below him.

Alpa only stepped to the side once more as The Nameless one of Macedonia ran out somehow still managing to scream like a loon without a head. He ran with his arms sticking straight out behind him, still with no clothing mind you.

"Oh for the love of all things holy get it offa meee!" Shouted Luna as she too ran out. The main difference however, was that Luna was desperately clawing at her face. And only then did Alpha see what had become of The Great Nameless one of Macedonia's head.

The jaw was broken, allowing it to stick to Luna's face like a giant face eating headcrab. Only the mouth was sort of in an O formation.

"WE DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS. WE DO NOT APPROVE AT ALL!" She screamed once more before whinnying in fear and running...straight into a STOP sign.

Facepalming at the stupidity of it all, Alpha sauntered off in the general direction of The Great Nameless one of Macedonia, Eater of Faces.

Meanwhile

Discord floated disjointedly in his little sub-dimensional imprisonment. Watching the day's chaos via little swirly portal thingy sitting in front of him. Really he had no idea what to call it, it was like looking into a reflection, only that reflection was a bird-bath, and that bird bath in turn, was a T.V.

Taking a sip of tea, he chuckled as he watched The Great Nameless one of Macedonia, Eater of Faces run through Canterlot proper, ass-naked, and being chased by the Canterlot Police force, as well as Celestia in a gimp costume. She'd managed to free herself and was now chasing after our...ahem hero.

As he watched, the (quote un-qoute) hero paused.

And took off like a friggin rocket ship, arms straightened by his side. Wanna know the strange thing though?

There was no means of propulsion. he just straightened both arms, legs, and basically said "lol fuck you gravity I'm out sucka".

Guffawing mirthfully, Discord watched as The Nameless one of Macedonia, Eater of Faces and Self-proclaimed Rocket rocketed off, angling towards the Canterlotian gardens where all the statues were kept.

Watching with eager interest, Discord noticed the contrail thinning out. Was he loosing speed? In silence Discord leaned forward until he was almost touching the reflection/T.V.

The Nameless one of Macedonia, Eater of Faces and Self-proclaimed Rocket was indeed loosing speed. Angling downward, the tentacle-faced human angled his upper body downwards until he was rocketing in a downward spiral, straight for-

======

SCHLORP

SCHLORP

SCHLORP

Discord broke out of his stone imprisonment.

"OH DEAR GODS GET IT OFF! OFF OFF OFF OFF!" He shouted clawing hopelessly at the many tentacles swirling, touching ,and just  being all over his face. They weren't molesting him or anything, but they felt slimy and for the love of gods it was alive.

The Nameless one of Macedonia, Eater of Faces, and Self-proclaimed Rocket, Schlorper of Discord was attached, via tentacle to Discord, with one strange feature: The rest of his body was sticking, vertically, straight up into the air. It was like he was attached to Discord via...wriggling things.

Running blindly, Discord barreled through the pursuing guards and Princess.

"Oh no! Discord is loose! Guards! Call forth the elements of- HOLY MOTHER OF THE EARTH WHAT THE FUCK?!" She finished eyeing the Discord/thing with disgust and wonderment.

"What? How?....What? HOW?!" She screamed in repetition, unable to comprehend what was happening. Discord turned to the guardsmen/Celestia/Luna who was shambling around moaning with the disembodied head still attached.

"HELP ME!" He shouted.

Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pah- I mean Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack teleported into the center of Canterlot, appearing in a flash of purple.

"Don't worry Princess we're here to help! Rest assured! Discord'll be back in his prison before you can say-"

"WHAT IN SWEET SAM'S HELL IS THAT?!" Shouted Applejack pointing at the Guardsmen/Celestia/Luna (who should probably get some medical aid, I mean seriously she's turning green)/ Alpha who were being chased by the Schlorped Discord chasing after them, the decapitated body of The Nameless one of Macedonia, Eater of Faces, and Self-proclaimed Rocket, Schlorper of Discord and Ultimate Transformation of Evil was attached to Discord as mentioned before.

Celestia was wearing a gimp costume, the guardsmen (with full on erections after seeing Celestia), Alpha, Luna who's face had been replaced by the Nameless one's (which looked downright disturbing as all hell by the way, I mean seriously, it's like the aborted child of Frankenstein. And the man thought he was ugly), and Wilhelm who, up until that point had been relatively fine hiding in a barrel until Alpha had scooped him up and used him like a meatshield.

"And for the record, I regret everything." Dryly commented Wilhelm as he passed by the six, his eyes half-lidded giving him an almost bored/irritated expression.

Now, a couple things happened right about now.

Number one: Pinkie's hair flattened as her eyes drifted off into their separate continents.

Number two: Both Rarity and Pinkie passed out.

Number three: Applejack pulled out some highly fermented Applejuice from literally hammerspace and took a swig.

Number four: She then began making out with Fluttershy, and they did the nasty right there and then.

Number five: Twilight said "KNOW WHAT? F**K THIS." And she summoned a nuke.

Number six: Twilight nuked Equestria.

In the wreckage of a country, with the land scorching around him and many bones and piles of ashes around him, the skeleton of The Nameless one of Macedonia, Eater of Faces, and Self-proclaimed Rocket, Schlorper of Discord and Ultimate Transformation of Evil, Bane of Sanity sat there, smoking a cigarette for whatever reason as he shouted into the now growing mushroom cloud:

"AND THAT'S HOW EQUESTRIA WAS MADE!"

....Wait it isn't?

You thought that was the end?

Ohoho hell no. I'm only beginning