Ponies Learn Fair Division
Divider-chooser:
“My god!” said Summer Cupcake, the most clever Alicorn this side of Baltimare. “There are two of us and only one human scalp we can divide!”
“Never fear!” replied Zephyr Honey, the most industrious pony this side of Unicorn range. “We can use the Divider-chooser method!”
“What’s that?” asked Summer.
“Oh, it’s so simple. One of us, let us say Player A, cuts the scalp, or S, into two pieces! Then the other pony, Player B, chooses which piece they want. It’s so easy Doop could do it!”
Zephyr quickly cut the ready-for-harvest scalp into two pieces, ignoring the horrific shrieking from the still-living human attached. “Which piece do you want?”
“I’ll take that one,” replied Summer as she pointed.
“Okay!”
Lone Divider:
“Yo, muthafuckas, Doop is in da fuckin' house!” shouted Doop the Dragon as he walked in. “And I’ve got a nice juicy motherfuckin' duodenum for all y’all bitches n’ hoes! We should split this muthafucka between us!”
“Okay!” said Zephyr. “I, player A, will cut the duodenum, which we will also call S, into three different pieces.” With a quick knifing, the act was done.
“Now, each of you take this blood and use it to write a secret list of what bits you would be all right with getting. Just make sure it’s a SECRET list.”
Both Doop and Summer wrote out their lists in the human blood. “Okay,” said Zephyr. “Now, one of these lists says you’ll take pieces 1 or 2, and the other one says you’ll only take piece 2.”
“Yo, fucka, I’m only fuckin' satisfied with 2, y’all!”
“Okay, so you can take 2!” Zephyr exclaimed. “Summer, you can have 1, and I’ll take 3. Yay!”
Lone Chooser:
“Well, okay, that’s fuckin' good, but da fuck we gon’ do with ‘dis scalp? I want some o ‘dat shit!”
“Well, we were just going to divide it between Zephyr and me,” admitted Summer, “but I have an idea! What if, now that each of us have our scalp halves, we cut them into three smaller pieces? Then, you can choose one of the three pieces from each of us, and we’ll all have an equal amount!”
“Good job, Summer!” shouted Zephyr. “Now we know how to divide the scalp among three ponies. You sure are smart. It almost makes me a bit sorry.”
“Aw, than-wait, sorry for what?”
“This!” Zephyr dashed forward, knife in hoof. One quick swipe and Summer’s blood poured out over Zephyr’s body, into her lips. “Mmm! Tasty!”
“Aw, fuck yeah!” shouted Doop. “Now we can divvy up her muthafuckin' organs on da MOTHAFUCKIN' BLACK MARKET!"
Sealed bids:
“Hey there, Zephyr and Doop!” said Golden Peaches. She may be the cutest pony this side of the Hayseed Swamps, but that doesn’t mean she can’t run the Black Market. “This is a great specimen. So, you and Doop can divvy it, but I get an equal share for market payment.”
“Yeah,” said Doop, “but how da fuck we gonna divvy up this fucka three ways?”
“Well,” Zephyr began, “we can assign each of her organs a given value by voting. Everyone make a secret list of how much they’ll pay for each of the major organs-brain, heart, stomach, liver, spleen, and kidney! But remember, you can’t bet higher than 120 bits here. We don’t have that much money, y’know!”
The results were put in, and when the lists were revealed, Zephyr read them out. “Wow, Doop, you really want that Kidney!”
“You muthafuckin' know I want that fuckin' kidney, ho!”
“Well, your fair share is however much all your prices are-that’s in the all column-divided by the number of people betting, that being three!” explained Zephyr. “I filled that out for you.”
“Okay,” said Peaches. “And now we take all the items we’re willing to pay the most for. So, I get the brain and the spleen, you get the stomach, and Doop takes the heart and the kidney?”
“That’s right, muthafuckas! I got that fuckin' kidney, y’all!” shouted Doop. “But now I went over my muthafuckin' budget, ‘cuz I only got a share of 39 fuckin' bits here!”
“Well,” Peaches added, “just put however much money you went over in a big pile and we’ll split it evenly. That makes sense, right?”
“Fuck that!” Doop bounced up to Peaches, closed his jaws around her neck, and tore her head off.
“Yay!” Zephyr squealed as she lapped the blood off the floor. “Now we have two of every organ!”
Method of Markers:
“Well, I’ll trade with you,” shouted a pony from across the market. “My name is Ember Comet, and I’m the bossiest pony this side of Equestria! We’re doing this my way, got it?”
“Okay,” agreed Zephyr.
“Fuck, sure, I don’t fuckin' care,” added Doop.
“All right!” shouted Ember. “We’re doing it this way! Everyone line up the organs in the order of value I give ‘em, and we’re putting markers around ‘em! Each marker is a representation of one share.”
When all the organs were lined up, Ember continued. “Now everyone put down markers to divide these into three groups, each group representing one share!
“And now, we go through with the shares! Zephyr’s marker is first, so she gets the brain and all her markers are removed.
“Now, the next share is decided based on the second marker placed down. The first marker for second shares placed down is me, so I get the stomach and liver. Doop, you get the kidney and the spleen.”
“Aw yeah! Muthafuckin' kidney, y’all!”
Last Diminisher:
“But hey, fuckas! What are we gonna do with this other scalp?”
“Well,” began Zephyr, “we can always-”
“Fuck that!” Ember cut her off. “I’ll take half! Any objections?”
“I got a fuckin' objection!” Said Doop. “I’ll take one third and you two figure out what to do with the rest!”
“I’ll take one fourth and you guys work with the rest!” Zephyr exclaimed. “I don’t know why I’m saying that but go ahead!”
“Deal!”
“Fuckin' deal!”
“Awright, Doop. We’ll do the dividing method-thingy from the beginning of this crappy story.”
“No!” Zephyr’s knife flashed out once, then twice. She giggled as the blood of her friends spilled out onto the ground. As she shoved the scalp into her mouth and began chewing, she screamed gleefully. “I take everything!”
-Fin
