I Literally Am Not Going To Let Myself Get Up To Get A Drink (I'm Thirsty) Or Use The Restroom (I Need To Pee) Until I've Written A Thousand Words. Nevermind I Spent 3 Hours on XKCD. Nevermind It's Now Two Or Three Days Later. Nevermind It's Now Tomorrow.

by Super Trampoline

Rating: everyone
Tags: Dark, Random
Length: 1325

Caramel stubs his hoof. Things go downhill from there. Also, spiders. Because I don't want to fail moderation for being too vague, let me tell you that insurance claims, Sassaflash, a nice massage, and Tartarus are also involved. And spiders.

Never mind it's like two weeks later and I feel a lot better. But I'm still going to finish this.

Caramel stubs his hoof. Things go downhill from there. Also, spiders. Because I don't want to fail moderation for being too vague, let me tell you that insurance claims, Sassaflash, a nice massage, and Tartarus are also involved. And spiders. Look, I'm going to level with you. At this point I'm just seeing how bad of stories I can, write because stupidity seems to be all I can write these days. Don't read this.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-19 22:32:00 UTC

What happens next

Caramel fell and it hurt a lot but not too much. Mostly it was just embarrassing for him. Aloe and Lotus Blossom saw him trip and trotted over to help him up. They were being good friends. They also were good marketers.

"Hey, Caramel," the pink one said, "that looks like it hurt a bit.

"Why don't you," the blue one continued, "get a relaxing massage at our spa. It will help you unwind and relax after a stressful fall.

Caramel liked this idea. You could see it in his face, which beamed like a beacon of light on top of a light house. "Golly gee, I would love a massage! Great idea, mares!

"Great," said the spa mares in unison. "We'll see you at two thirty this afternoon."

"I can't wait," replied Caramel. But he didn't really mean it. He was in fact able to wait. He shouldn't have lied.

That afternoon, Caramel got his massage. Aloe and Lotus Blossom's hooves felt really good kneading his back.

This isn't surprising. They went to massage therapist college together after all. Hmmm, that could be a good story in its own right.

Afterwards, Caramel felt much better, though his hoof was still a little bit sore.

Here is a YouTube video about sore hooves.

Youtube Video

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Wow I can basicaslewqrew q whrite whate we ever qwe i qwireh waq2frtoksdetyg hioajewsrdtho awesrtjpisdef'jk;tiosdrtfoiartiweor6tuiobasejrtfiwQEOJRIOWQEATROJIWEFAWO[EIJROWEIQATJIOAWETOJRIASWERTHIJO[AWERTIOPAWETJIOAWETRIO

Hahahaha, pretty funny story, am I write. So then anyway Caramel went home to his wife, Sassaflash. That's right, I'm ripping off of Integration, except I'm not, because the Caraflash (Caramel + Sassaflash) ship is based on a scene from Hearts and Hooves day. See, here they are, locked in eternal nuzzle:

Anyway, I need to go take the trash cans out. I'll continue writing when I get back.

Right, I'm back.

So the next day, Caramel went to work. He was an insurance claims adjuster. Here're some pictures of insurance claims adjusters:

Man, I could come up with mildly-witty captions for these, but I'm just not feeling it, you know?

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So at work, Caramel gets a new case where a cart caught fire and he needs to determine whether it's salvagable or not. Oh yeah this is in present tense now.

So he trotted over to the repair shop where the cart was sitting. It had a lot of burn marks on it. Oops we're in past tense now.

As Caramel was trotting towards the shop, a sink hole in the middle of the Ponyville market opened up and swallowed him.

Like this, but in the ground instead of in Applejack:

Swing Boxes Red and gold autumn . I see your lips , the summer kisses . I used to keep the skills of tanning. Since you raised to date Just listen to the music of the old winter . But most important, I think you're my son. When autumn leaves start t

Mort sighed. He hated it when undead ponies became dead while in Tartarus. Oh snap, Mort is showing up. You know where Mort first shows up? Mort Takes a Holiday. That's a much better story than this one. Anyway, Mort nudges the crumpled pile of body parts, groans, and wanders off to find a wheelbarrow. He scoops Caramels body into it, stooping down to grab the few extra pieces that have fallen off. Then he carts it over to the spider room. The spider room is, as one might guess, filled with spiders. Some of the spiders are dead and some are alive. In a nod to continuity, the spiders there were currently celebrating the arrival of a new dead spider from above, the one that Caramel had accidentally squished earlier.

Anyway, when Mort wanted to send something elsewhere, he sent it via spiders, since he had a lot of important duties in the underworld and up above, and couldn't be constantly sending stuff all over who knows where. So he told the spiders to take Caramel's body back up to Celestia. He included a letter to Celestia that's intentionally vague as to sustain the suspense of whether Caramel will ever get to inspect that cart. And like, if he'll come back to life, and stuff. Here's what the letter said:

Dear Princess Celestia: Here's Caramel's body. You know how these things work. Let me know when you need his soul. And hey, maybe actually set aside some money in your budget for sinkhole repairs, y'know?

~Sincerely, Mort

So hundreds of thousands of spiders worked together to carry the parts that collectively made up Caramel up out of the ground and across Equestria towards Canterlot Castle. Nopony tried to stop them, because, honestly, would you mess with 100,000 spiders? I don't think so.

Youtube Video

Unless you like poking death's minions with a stick.

Anyway, they swarmed up the mountain, over the castle ramparts, and deposited Caramel's body in Celestia's private chambers. Celestia was understandably not amused.

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So Celestia took the body and sewed it up using cosmic thread, a bunch of magic, some glue (quite appropriately), and string and yarn and plot convenience, and then delivered a message back to Tartarus asking for Caramel's soul back and Mort sent it to her and she stapled it back into his body and he woke up. He hurt a lot all over, but he was alive. The reason he was able to come back from the dead was a technicality: technically, once you're in that part of Tartarus you're considered dead, so when Caramel died there, he became technically "double dead" and that is a no no so by bringing him back to life he just went back to "regular dead" in the eyes of the underworld's legal system. I could go on about how his mindless white-collar job feels like death, but I don't really think that's necessary.  Caramel left the castle, took the train back to Ponyville, declared that the cart damage was the owner's fault and denied the claim, then headed home to his beautiful flying wife Sassaflash. Unfortunately, on his way home, he tripped on a rock. Celestia had sewn his eyes in backwards.

THE END!

Caramel Stubs His Toe. Technically a Hoof Is An Over Grown Toe. Why Did I Leave that A Lower Case But Uppercased the An? I don't know now nothing is upper case and nothing has punctuation.

One fine day in Equestria, Caramel stubbed his hoof. He was trotting to the market when he tripped over an evil artifact mostly but not quite completely buried in the ground. The artifact would have brought five hundred seventy-one years of allergies to the ponies of Trottingham. Trottingham is a city across the ocean from Equestria. The new map says so.

Caramel tripped on his hoof and fell onto a spider, killing it. This angered and saddened the rest of the spider's family, plus the lizard that was going to eat the spider. Such is the circle of life.

Have some pictures of spiders.

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Caramel fell down down down through the ground. Eventually he landed in Tartarus. Unfortunately he broke 45 bones when he landed, on account of hitting the ground at around seventy miles an hour. He died within a minute from massive internal and external bleeding.

Ouch.

This guy came to visit him: