The day was sunny, as I recall it. Birds blowing, bees singing, wind chirping, everything checked off on the list for all things “normal”. The signs were there, the “normal” signs. It should’ve been a dead giveaway that something big and not-normal would happen.
Something weird needed to happen.
To my disappointment, nothing weird happened. What a shame. I didn’t do much that day, mostly meander about my home, chucked pebbles into the void, and had a nice nap. To be frank, I can’t remember the last time I took a nap. I need to make time to do them more often. They’re so relaxing, but in a narrative context, boring as Celestia drinking mint tea in an afternoon political summit.
Anywho, nothing special happened that day. Let’s talk about a different day. Oh, I know, how about what happened next Friday? I remember a fun little tale about a colt and his class hamster. Have you ever had a story told to you in the future tense?
It all will go down in Ponyville, in the playground at the local school to be precise, and during recess. Two of the most adorably obnoxious fillies, Sea Breeze and Key Lime are their names from what I’ll know, will have an argument between each other. Nothing serious, it’ll only be a childhood spat. They’re friends right now, and will be friends up until Key Lime’s future husband cheats on her with Sea Breeze. The drama that’ll bring to town, if only you’d live long enough to see it.
About their argument. It’ll definitely turn Sea Breezes’ cheeks red, highly noticeable as she’s one of those blue ponies destined for something water related. No doubt she’ll be squealing her throat dry enough to grow a cactus in. “It’s my turn for Daisy,” she’ll say, “I haven’t had a turn all year!”
Little sweet Key Lime, that little lime green filly, acting all smug and high-mighty. I can see it now. Even I’ll want to smack her. “Well you should’ve asked Ms. Cheerilee to get your turn. I asked last week and she said I could have her.”
Of course it’ll be hopeless for Key Lime to convince Sea Breeze otherwise. “I did ask last week, and the week before, and the week before that! She always says yes, but someone else always gets Daisy. Now it’s my turn!”
“No it’s not. It’s my turn. Go ask Ms. Cheerilee. She’ll tell you.”
At this point, Sea Breeze is ready to slap a filly. She won’t though, just looks like it. “She said it’s my turn hundreds of times. You already got to take Daisy.”
“That was last school year.” Nope, last month. “I haven’t had my turn this year either.”
“Liar!”
I believe I forgot some context. Daisy is the class hamster. Every week of his miserable existence, a student gets to take him home for the weekend. Supposedly, it teaches the student responsibility over other life forms. The way I see it, it’s a good way to get a rodent killed every few months, set it as an example to the other rodents who want to come and eat my crackers. What baffles me is they named this victim Daisy. Looking at him doesn’t remind me of any sort of flower or plant life. I see him more as a Marguerite, Marguerite the Anarchist, for comedic reasons of course. Who doesn’t want to see a hamster topple a major government superpower?
Our situation can’t go on forever. Something must break it up. The interruption of the day goes to the class president, Pipsqueak. The argument will catch his attention and, being the wannabe leader he is, will come over and try to resolve it. “Hey girls, what’s the ruckus about?”
Sea Breeze will get the first draw in this part of their civil discussion. “It’s my turn to take Daisy home. Ms. Cheerilee said so. I want to take her out sailing with my dad.”
“No, that’s not true,” Key Lime will say, shaking her head. “Ms. Cheerilee said Daisy is coming home with me. I even talked about how she’ll help me work the shop with my mommy.”
Take a note, the entire class thinks Daisy is a girl. Poor thing.
I’ll spare you the rest of the argument. They’ll go on for a bit before Pipsqueak says anything. When he does, this is what he’ll say. “Alright, let’s think about this. You both want to take Daisy home for the weekend and do different things with her. Ms. Cheerilee said it’s both of your turns.”
Both the fillies will look at each other, nod, and agree on something for the first time in the past five minutes. “Yeah,” Sea Breeze will say, “But Key is lying about her turn.”
“Am not!”
“Hold on, hold on, don’t yell, just think.” He’ll ponder for a moment, just long enough to come up with an idea. “Is there any way you both can take turns with her over the weekend?”
Of course both fillies won’t be keen on the idea. “Why should I?” Key Lime will ask. What a jerk. “It’s my turn for the weekend. I shouldn’t have to give any of it up.”
And Sea Breeze will get all defensive. Kids, they’re so predictable, even as adults. “It’s not your turn, it’s mine. Even if I wanted to share Daisy, I can’t. We’ll be sailing all weekend.”
Thus Pipsqueak is put between the proverbial rock and hard place. There’ll be little he can do but mutter to himself. “If you can’t share her… Wait, that’s it!”
“What’s it?”
“I got an idea. Cover for me, I need to go home for a second. Don’t let Cheerilee see me missing.”
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Have you ever seen my home? If you have, you need to see it again. It’s always changing by itself, even I have a difficult time keeping track of it. One day it’s a lovely country style cottage, the next it’s an infinite pit of eldritch horrors and peanut butter jelly sandwiches. Half the time the mortal mind can’t comprehend its existence. At least the neighbors are nice. The point is I don’t know what it’s going to be next week, so let’s pretend it’ll be a two-storey Ponyville-style hostel. Who knows, maybe it’ll be exactly that.
There I will be, lounging in my hypothetical two-storey Ponyville-style hostel. I will have been experimenting with the concept of nap time, as I have been since that one boring day. My future self won’t have any luck with it, as my current self is narrating in his ear. He’ll mumble about getting the past self of my current self to come over and deliver a swift sucker punch to the kisser to my current self’s future self before next week’s self. My alternate timeline self will object of course, but he’s a pansy and no one listens to him. Did you get that? Just assume there’s a good reason for me punching my face in a minute.
My future self’s nap will be interrupted by a knock on the door. He’ll get up, dust the crumbs off from the taco salad he had the night prior—that salad won’t live up to the hype—and open the door to find none other than our little class president, Pipsqueak.
“Discord, I need your help,” the little runt will say. “Two fillies in my class are having an argument over who gets to bring the class hamster home, and I need help from someone good with animals.” Not his exact words, but close enough.
My future self will scratch his chin, pondering thoughts about the problem at hand. “An animal problem? Shouldn’t you go to Fluttershy for that type of thing?”
“I would, but I don’t know where she lives. So I decided to come ask you, since you live around the corner from me, and you might know how to deal with animals since Fluttershy is your only friend.”
“Hey, I got more friends than just Fluttershy, you know. Just the other day, I was visiting—Wait, you live around the corner from me?” I don’t know why I’ll act surprised, since I’m covering all this in the story I’m telling you. But that’s a good question, this tiny pony colt lives around the corner from me?
“Yep, on the other side of the Pit of Pain and Suffering. If you want, I can show you some great spots to catch frogs there.”
“What happened to the nice family of tentacle monsters that was living there?”
“They’re our landlords. Back on track, animal problem, I need your help.”
That’s an odd word, need. Do we truly need anything? We should all lie down, do absolutely nothing, and admire the world before dehydration takes over. That’s what we all need to do. “Two kids having an argument over a hamster? Sounds more like a friendship problem than an animal problem. That’s Twilight’s department. Go see her.”
“But aren’t you learning about friendship, since you’re reformed and all?”
“Eh, those things happen. I don’t search for friends to bicker with.”
“You got a problem now. Why don’t you show Twilight how much good you can do by solving it?”
Great, he’ll know how to sucker me into his problems. There is nothing in the world I like more than upstaging Twilight. Solving a little hamster dispute will show her. Though, there’s a chance she’ll turn the situation around and congratulate me on doing a good job on something. Worth a shot. “Sure, why not. I have nothing else going on today. Let’s solve your little friendship problem.”
Oh that big grin on that little pony, I swear his smile will grow larger than his actual body. Might happen, considering he’ll be with me in the void. “Great! Let’s get back to school right now and solve a friendship problem!”
Now that I think about it, I might get involved a bit too easily. No matter, not that I’ll have anything going on. It’s a slow month for chaos right now. After my last escapade, harmony needs to sink in for a bit. Balance and all that.
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We’ll go straight for the school yard. No sense in dilly dallying when there’s a friendship problem at stake. Sea Breeze and Key Lime will still be at it. Impressive, given a child’s attention span. They should’ve scattered off by this point, but no. They’re determined, I’ll give them that.
Pipsqueak will run up to them first, gushing about his little solution. “Hey girls, I found someone who can help us.” Leave it to the politician to make others do the dirty work.
Some may describe my appearance as terrifying, especially when I first meet them. However, I‘ve been hanging around Ponyville long enough for the locals to know my appearance. If anything, these fillies will look more concerned than frightened. Sea Breeze will state the obvious. “Why did you bring Discord?”
Then Key Lime will follow up. “How did you bring Discord?” Good question, I am quite an exclusive commodity. Not even Diamond Tiara could afford me.
Pipsqueak will give some asinine explanation about how I’ll help their little problem, something to do with me cloning Daisy for both of them to share. For the record, my powers don’t work like that. It’s chaos, you wouldn’t understand. It’ll be easier for me to pose as a hamster for the duration of the weekend, but trust me when I say it’s not worth it.
To throw in another cast member to the scene, Cheerilee will come by to attempt to handle the situation. “Discord, is there a reason you’re here during recess?”
Pipsqueak to my rescue, my tiny, tiny rescue. “Sea Breeze and Key Lime are having an argument over who gets Daisy, so I brought Discord to help sort things out.”
“Discord? Sort things out?” Ah, the look of horror on the face of a pony stuck in a dead end job surrounded by screaming foals. Cheerilee would make an excellent mother. “That’s going overboard with any problem! What are you having him do, split Daisy in half?”
A shrug will do nicely in the future. “Maybe, maybe not. No clue what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll plunge the world in darkness, maybe this will sort itself out, or maybe I’ll turn Daisy into a poodle and go home.”
“Okay… please don’t do anything yet.”
“As you wish. Consider me a silent observer.”
This is the part when Cheerilee shows her nurturing side. “Girls, tell me what’s going on, and please don’t involve Discord.”
You’ve heard this song and dance before. Sea Breeze will complain that Cheerilee told her, several times before, it’s her turn to take Daisy home. Key Lime will chirp in saying she asked Cheerilee earlier that day if she could take Daisy home. Cheerilee said yes to both of them, and now I’ll be there for some reason.
Cheerilee has some interesting body language when she’s thinking. If you watch her rear side, and I know the stallions do, you’ll see her dig into the ground with her left-back hoof, as if she’s digging an escape hole to get herself out of the situation. “Oh dear, I did tell you both it’s your turn. I don’t know how I missed that.”
Pipsqueak will make an excellent observation. “We all were busy with the elections and the Cutie Mark Crusaders getting their cutie marks. Everything just slipped by.”
“Sounds about right. Girls, I’m sorry.” In a symbol of being on their level, but maintaining some power, she’ll kneel down and pat the girls’ heads. “Even adults make mistakes. They happen, it’s just one of life’s facts. I’m sorry I made this mix-up.”
Key Lime, the little brat, will be the first to turn the situation towards her. “So does that mean Daisy’s coming with me this weekend?”
“No!” Sea Breeze will say. “I asked hundreds of times before you, it should be my turn.”
You should be glad I’m leaving out the whining. Kids are adorable, but their whining grates on your ears. These two will argue some more, grate on Cheerilee’s ears, maybe threaten to fight each other. It’s the prelude to the incident with Key Lime’s future husband. I’ll shorten it up, again, and get to the part when I become the hero.
“Silence,” I’ll yell. To my credit, I’m quite imposing when I want something. Everyone will shut up, even the other kids on the playground. “Good. Both of you want Daisy for the weekend, and both of you have valid arguments, but—” out of thin air, I’ll teleport Daisy into my hand for dramatic effect “—neither of you bothered to ask Daisy what he wants.”
“Um, hamsters don’t talk.” Thank you, Sea Breeze, for stating the obvious.
“True, but I’m the Spirit of Chaos, Lord of Disharmony, I can make him talk.” With a snap of my fingers, I’ll cast magic. What magic doesn’t matter. It’s only important the rodent gets speech abilities. “Daisy, can you tell us who you want to go with?”
He’ll stand tall on my hand, ready to give the first monologue of hamsterkind. “Revenge!”
All ponies, barring Pipsqueak, will have this dazzled look on their faces. I’ll show you a picture later, it’s quite a treat. “Excuse me?” Cheerilee will say. She’ll be the most dazzled.
“Death to the infidels!” Great, Daisy’s a ji-hamster. No, my magic will not turn him into one. He’s always been one. “I shall cleanse you all for imprisoning me in a filthy cage. My brothers shall rise and spread fires to your villages! Then from the ashes we will rise and bring a new world order! Rise hamsters, rise! Rise!”
What will I do? Well, I’ll do what I have to. I’ll crush his tiny rodent ribcage in my claw, grinding him into a pile of mish.
Sure, the kids will cry, Cheerilee will yell at me to leave, Pipsqueak’s friends will ostracize him for a week for bringing me to class, but hey, I’ll stop a hamster-centric terror organization from spreading chaos in Equestria. That’s my job, and I don’t enjoy competition.
So, in case you’re wondering why in the next couple weeks I’ll be issued a court order not to go within a hundred feet of a school, now you know why.
