Kingdom for a Cake
By Sirius Shenanigans
It was days like this that made Celestia painfully aware of just how many steps there were in the spiral staircase leading up to her personal quarters. On most days, even with her princess-ly duties to carry the burden of the sun across the sky, these steps would be the least of Celestia’s thoughts at the end of the day as she soared high above them. After all, she had had a lot of practice lifting and moving the sun. But even with all her might, every once in a while, the incessant squabbles, the never ending politics, and mountains upon mountains of paperwork would leave the princess drained physically, mentally, and most importantly, emotionally. On those days of her personal trials, she would find herself with no choice but to take the stairs. It should be noted that bureaucracy weighs more than sun itself. It was on those uniquely fatiguing days that she would look at the splendor of her mighty tower in Canterlot Castle and think…
‘maybe it should be a little shorter…’
There were too many steps, and only when she was at her worst would she come face to face with them. They were too much. They came off as sadistic and just a little bit unnecessary. As she climbed there was a nagging thought in the back of her mind. Why hadn’t anything been done about it? This wasn’t the first time in 1000 years she had this problem, and it wasn’t even the first time in the last 5 years she had this problem... So why wasn’t it dealt with?
She scoured her mind as she climbed, but sooner than she reached the top did she remember exactly what had happened. It was a similarly vile experience climbing the steps to her chambers. She remembered because it was the night before she had called her faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, and all her crazy friends to ‘save the crystal empire’. In that night prior, she had thrown all self-control to the wind and declared a personal war on stairs. The first act of this declaration called for the annihilation of King Sombra, the world’s foremost ‘stair-enthusiast’. She had decided to sick her trusted pupil and all her friends on him, armed with weaponized moral aesops and musical numbers. Needless to say, Sombra was never heard from again. And while it was a moral victory for Equestria, it seemed that Celestia had let herself get side tracked from what was really important to her.
She finally reached the top of the gauntlet of stairs. The stairs had been unbearable. It was the last straw! As she clamored on aching hooves toward her quarters, she made a solemn vow. She would see to it that they would never bother her ever again…
tomorrow...
It was way too late, and she was far too tired to do any real princessing. She already had an entire day of that, and the thought of having to do any more was simply outrageous. She stumbled past the threshold between the hoof-polished marble flooring of every other part of the castle, and the soft carpet of her own quarters. Unceremoniously, she tossed the tiara from her head, which shattered into two pieces as it crashed against the wall. Once upon a time would such a sight have pained her heart, but over the one thousand years she ruled the country of Equestria, she had gone through countless tiaras and crowns. To the mature Celestia, they were merely a thing. Celestia caught sight of herself in the mirror, looking much less regal than she had waking up in the morning. Most notably was her mane, which had ceased its natural dynamic billowing, taking on a darker and more matted tone.
Celestia dragged herself over to a picture of her family. It was well made, but that wasn’t important. What was important was the latch behind it, labeled in “IN CASE OF CAKE EMERGENCY”. She lifted the latch and slammed a hoof down on the giant red button.
Partitions fell over the entrance and all of the windows, and hazard lights illuminated the dark room. A hatch opened from the floor, and out protruded the most beautiful of cakes.
It was magnificent in a fashion beyond compare. It was stacked in a plateau of seven chocolate cakes. This was not the most decadent of chocolates. Only a fool would want the sweetest of cakes. What use was a cake you could only eat one bite of before beginning to convulse from the overload of sweetness? No, this was a creation of perfect balance. The icing was an assertive creamy flavor, not too bold or sweet, but the ideal compliment to the body of the cake. Rather than spongy, this cake was light and fluffy. It was among the moistest cakes in all of Equestria. Deep within the dessert, a layer of cake would become pudding. Some said it would be impossible to build such a towering cake on a foundation made of pudding, but the gastronomic scientists of Equestia fear no challenge. To them, it was merely a test. Even further beneath the layer of pudding that melded perfectly with cake above, was a brownie, encased in a layer crushed cookie crumbs. To top the cake off, diced almonds and roasted walnuts were scattered across the cake, giving it the power to conquer all realms of taste in the domain cake. It was a cake like no other. It was Uberkuchen, the alpha and omega of cakes. It was the hope worth fighting for! Throughout the day’s toils, it was the only thing that kept Celestia going.
She could barely keep the saliva in her mouth. With that same power she used to carry the sun, she too used to cut herself a royal portion of cake, with just as much majesty for the latter as she used for the former.
But just as she had settled in her bed to take the first bite of a one thousand bite journey of cake, there was sinister mist that filtered into the air. “Mwuahahahaha,” A voice cackled in a low dark tone. “Its been a thousand years…”
Celestia held back the cake and stared disdainfully into the general ambience. She looked back at her cake, but her conscience kept nagging at her. Regrettably, A sense of duty won over in her. “Who are supposed to be?” Celestia raised an eye-brow.
“hehehe…” The voice echoed menacingly. “Don’t you remember me?”
“uhh… It’s been a long day. Can we skip the back and forth? Who are you?”
In a swirling vortex of reds and blacks, the terrible stallion appeared before her. He looked as though he had crawled from the depths of deviantart itself. Everything about him was edgy from the tips of his pointy ears to the modest goatee on his chin, all the way down to the scruff at the ends of his hooves. He was so edgy, in fact, that he ceased to looked intimidating from any perspective. It was as if he was completely designed by hormonal 13 year old child. He had a tall collar with frills, and long cape trained behind him. Only two colors could be found between his coat, his mane, his tail, and all of his apparel. Red and Black. No blues. No yellows. No greens. He was as ‘donut steel’ as they come. He looked upon Celestia with a distraught face. “Wow wow. Wait, y-you-you’re not playing around! You really don’t remember me!”
Celestia had made the terrible decision to try to sneak in a quick bite of cake while he materialized. The pure ridiculousness of his appearance wrenched the cake out from her lips with a single involuntary spasm of her gut. By the time she realized what had happened, that bite of cake was gone… dashed against the carpet floor, beyond any hope. She had wanted a moment to mourn its loss, but she noticed that the tacky looking villain was accosting her.
“huh, what? Didn’t I say that already? I don’t remember you,” She said quickly, twirling her dedicated fork in the air in preparation for the next bite.
“B-bu-but-but-but,” He stuttered as he leaned in towards Celestia’s face, blocking off all telekinetic traffic between the cake plate and Celestia mouth. “We were sworn enemies!”
“I have lots of enemies… Seriously, it’s like you guys come out of the woodwork or something,” A disgruntled Celestia said shaking a hoof at the villain.
“No, but- Yes, but…. I have the face of evil!” He then tried to morph his face into his best evil scowl. The tears forming in the corner of his eyes somewhat betrayed that image.
“Sorry, not ringing any bells. I don’t even remember doing half the things I supposedly did for this place.”
Celestia put the fork to the side, since this pony, however evil they have proclaimed themselves to be, was still one of her subjects and she needed to care for.
“I thought what we had was special! We fought so many battles!”
“It has been a thousand years…”
“Wait!” The villain wiped the tears from his eyes. “Maybe I went to the wrong place,” He produced a map from his bag and started scanning it ravenously. “Is there another ‘Canterlot Castle’ around here? I think I went to the wrong place!”
“This is Canterlot Castle.”
“Then maybe, is there another Equestria around here? After all, it has been a thousand years, and I can’t say I’ve been keeping up with current events…”
“I assure, this is the only Equestria that has ever been...”
The villain looked at her with wide eyes. “Perhaps, I’ve been sent into an alternate universe!”
“No! No!” Celestia quickly blurted out. “We are having none of this! No!” She said as her gaze darted from side to side. For a moment, she thought she had caught a fanfiction writer crawl out of the shadows from a corner of her eye, but it seemed she was mistaken.
The stallion shifted back and forth indecisively. “How can you not remember me! Villaeneous!” He said putting a hoof to his chest.
In trying to humble him, Celestia tried her best to reach back into the vaults of memory, but with how vast her mind was, she could not salvage anything reminiscent of a memory. As the brain dedicates things to memory, it develops wrinkles to hold information. Celestia was no different, and as a highly intelligent pony, those wrinkles would become incredibly defined, resembling more of chasms and labyrinths. Villaeneous must have simply fallen between the cracks. Still, Celestia tried to fake a big grin while trying to come up with the words.
Villaeneous wailed retreating to Celestia’s vanity box, stifling the tears from his eyes. His eyes were already red, but now the area around them was red too. “She really doesn’t remember me.”
Then, the reflection of Villaeneous reached a hoof up to the mirror. “It’s okay, Villaeneous. You and I both know just how evil you are. So what if she can’t remember you? Even without a reputation, I’m sure you can be just as evil as all the other villains. You can do it. You just got to believe in yourself!” Mirror Villaeneous said.
“Do you really mean that?” Villaeneous said, wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Of course! Now get out there, and show her what you can do!” Mirror Villaeneous said with a nod and a smile.
“Can I eat my cake now?” Celestia added in, ultimately getting ignored.
Villaeneous turned back again, this time with a powerful scowl and fearsome eyes. He walked with powerful shoulders. “Fine, to Tartauros with you memory. Take this as a declaration of war. My name is Villaeneous, and I will rule all of Equestria!” He said in the dark, echoing voice he had been using before.
Celestia sighed. It always turned out like this. Villains barging in, unannounced, encroaching on her personal privacy, then demanding to fight for all of Equestria. She really didn’t have any energy to really deal with him.
“Can’t I just give you some cake instead?” Celestia said in an uncharacteristic offering.
“What do you take me for, Celestia? You can not buy sanctuary from me with cake!” He boomed.
“It’s too late! I clocked out like an hour ago. Can’t you bother my sister?”
Villaeneous snorted. “No, I’m a real villain, and villains don’t listen to pleas. So, you are going to hear me out.”
“Fine, whatever, do your thing…” Celestia said, realizing she had gone far too long without eating cake, and that alone was unforgivable. She readied her next bite of cake on her fork.
“Eyes up here, Celestia,” Villaenous said, drawing a line from her eyes to his own. “When somepony is trying to take over your kingdom, at least look them in the eyes! It’s common courtesy,” He growled.
Celestia looked up from the cake, with all her fatigue on display. “Fine.”
“I really hope that isn’t how you treat the every other villain.”
“Just do your thing…”
Villaeneous put on a wicked smile. “Fear me, Celestia. For your kingdom will fall to my hoof, as I am going to make the night… last forever!”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “It’s been done before.”
Villaeneous’s jaw dropped a little. “What?! W-what did you say?” He said reverting into his normal voice.
“It’s been done before. Twice, in fact.”
Villaeneous held his head in his hooves. “You can’t just say it’s been done before. I spent a thousand sleepless years thinking of this plan.”
“You haven’t slept for a thousand years?!”
“Evil never sleeps!”
Celestia brought a hoof to her face. She moved to take a bite of cake, but it was then that she noticed that the cake was gone from her fork. She looked around to see if it had fallen, but there was nothing on the ground. She quickly turned her suspicions to Villaeneous.
“Well, if you say it has been done before, I demand a do-over! Just let me think of something quickly,” He said in complete earnest.
Celestia scrutinized Villaeneous’s mouth for the remains of cake, but as she studied, she came across a frightening revelation. A bead of sweat trailed down her ivory coat as she tasted the faint remnants of almond in her mouth. She had eaten her own cake. She tried to think back. What did it taste like? Was it everything she dreamed? How good was it? It was all in vain. She could not remember a single thing about it. It must have been so good, that it had put her in a state of momentary bliss so powerful that it completely escaped her memory. All that was left behind was a powerful urge. She demanded more, but she didn’t know why… She looked down at the cake not sure if she should be curious, or absolutely terrified.
“Alright, alright, I’ve got it! I am going to steal all of the magic, of all of the ponies in all of Equestria.”
“We just sentenced Tirek to a thousand years of friendship for that one just a little while ago…” Celestia said, allowing herself to look up for only a moment.
A chill ran down Celestia’s spine. She quickly turned to look back down at the slice of cake, but it was too late. She had already devoured it, and not with a single shred of memory to tell her what it tasted like. All that was left was a void that demanded to be filled. It was a haunting specter of desire. Celestia had experienced many kinds of cake, but this cake was on a whole different level. This cake could probably destroy me, she thought. Still, part of her craved more. Had she, in her arrogance, treaded into a whole new realm of cakes that were never really meant for semi-immortal ponies? She stared in horror, as she could not tell if it was the god-cake or the cake of devils. She felt her body start moving on its own. It was calling her. Even as she tried to fight it, her front two hooves reached out, quivering, and took grasp of an entire cake.
“Ooh, I have an idea. I’m going to install nefarious amounts of stairs, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!”
The mere mention of ‘stairs’ made a blood-vein burst in Celestia’s temple. Her angrily trembling hooves flew to the sides, dropping the cake to the ground. “Stairs have been done before!” Celestia screamed as she was brought back to reality.
Villaeneous shrank down a little bit as Celestia screamed. “Fine, geez, I got it. No s-stairs. I-I-I’m just trying my best over here.”
Celestia stood glaring fiercely as she caught her breath. Once again, a sobering revelation crawled into her mind. She took a deep breath to try to pacify her racing heart. She closed her eyes, and turned toward the fallen remains of the cake. When she opened her eyes, however; there was no cake to be seen. Celestia tried to think back. It had clearly fallen. There were even remains of cake residue that had soaked into carpet, proving that it had in fact fallen. Had she really fallen this far? What was this cake doing to her? Even as she searched for the answers, she felt something strange in her mouth. She didn’t need to fish with her telekinesis to know that it was carpet lint. She wanted to scream, but she was too scared to open her mouth.
“Alright, fine. I know what you are going to say, but I don’t care anymore! You really didn’t give me much time to think. I am going to take over Equestrian Cider market!” Villaeneous said as artificial lightning bolts arced out in the ambient storm cloud he had made behind him.
“Fine, whatever,” Celestia said, not allowing herself to take her eyes off of the cake.
“What do you mean ‘Whatever’? I’m trying to take over your entire kingdom. A corporate takeover is still a takeover!” Villaeneous said flaring his neck muscles.
“I don’t care anymore. Do what ever you like,” Celestia said not even turning to him.
“That’s not how it is supposed to happen! When somepony announces they are going to take over your kingdom, the proper course of action is to fight them to the death!”
“I’m too old for this sort of thing.”
“You don’t age!”
Celestia sighed. “Mentally, Villaeneous! It’s boring and I don’t care for it. Go bother my prized pupil.”
Suddenly there was a knock on the metal doors. “Hey, sis, I’m just checking in to make sure you aren’t drowning yourself in cake,” Luna spoke out from the other side.
“Not yet…” Celestia called out with lackluster enthusiasm.
“Nightmare Moon, please assist me in explaining to your deplorable sister about the proper etiquette and course of action for when somepony tries to take over her kingdom!” Villaeneous shouted.
“Is that Villaeneous? Wow, it’s been while,” Luna said from the other side of the door. “Try not to bother my sister too much, she’s trying to drown her sorrow in cake.”
“Join me! And together we conquer Equestrian Cider market!” Villaeneous pleaded at the door.
“No way. My sister will totally send you to moon if you try anything. Besides, I’m on graveyard shift,” Luna said. Then she coughed into hoof. “I must preside over my elegant night!” Luna said in a refined princess-y voice as she flew away.
Celestia couldn’t resist anymore. She knew it was inevitable. She wanted more cake. The only way to maintain the euphoric state from the cake was simple. Never stop eating cake. Celestia stared deeply into the cake. “I’ve got to do it… There’s only one way,” She muttered, as she struggled to keep the saliva in her mouth. Just as she was about to plunge face first into an ocean of cake, a hoof caught her.
“Can you please stop eating cake for one moment, Celestia?” Villaeneaus said as he held the cake-stained alicorn. Celestia just stared, disillusioned for a moment, before realizing what was going on and scowling at him. “I’m beginning to think you aren’t taking this seriously” Villaeneous admonished. “Maybe I really should take over your kingdom, since you don’t seem to care about it.”
“Let me eat cake!” Celestia said as she pouted at her lack of cake intake.
“Really?” Villaenous cocked his head to the side in offense. “Quoting Mare-y-Antoinette?”
“but-but-but…” Celestia stuttered, stupefied by Villaeneous’s egregious flub.
“No buts, Celestia. What’s more important? Saving your kingdom from me, a powerful and ancient villain, or eating your stupid cake?” Villaeneous said staring Celestia in the eyes.
“This cake is a much more formidable villain than you…”
Villaeneous flinched at the words. He tried to speak, but he couldn’t manage a single word as the conflicted feelings flooded into his mind. As his tears burst from his face, he took a single look at the cake.
“Well, this is what I think of your cake!” And with an emotional display of magic, Villaeneous flung her beloved cake, splattering across the walls and floor.
Celestia looked on in abject horror. Fixated in a blank panic, she sat trying to comprehend what had actually happened. Everything she loved, everything that she dreamed of was gone. It happened so quickly. There was nothing to quell the urge. Her eyes passed over the cake knife. Taking it in her telekinesis, she turned to Villaeneous.
“Hey, what are you doing with that knife? You’re not thinking about… You can’t… Celestia!” Villaeneous asked as Celestia started to approach him. Villaeneous then broke into a sprint.
“You can’t do this, Celestia!” He said as she chased him over the canopy bed. “I am not cake!!” He pleaded as he tried to throw the vanity case in her way. “This is a children’s show!” He screamed.
“No…” Celestia said with unfeeling eyes. “This is a fanfiction.”
Villaenous in his scrambling, ran straight into the picture of Celestia’s family. The picture collapsed, breaking canvas over top of him as his body began to shake terribly. Celestia’s shadow stretched over him, and he couldn’t bear to look at her.
…But then he happened upon a button that was labeled ‘IN CASE OF CAKE EMERGENCY’. If there was ever a cake emergency, this was it! He jumped at the button, and in a few seconds the hatch had opened in the center of the room, and another cake was produced.
“L-L-L-Look! Cake! Celestia, cake!” Villaeneous said pointing frantically to get Celestia’s attention.
Celestia dropped the knife and turned to see the beautiful, untouched cake. “How did…”
“Well, I pressed this button, you see, and then this elevator brought up the cake…”
Celestia took a double-take at his words. “What did you say?”
“Well, I pressed…”
“No, after that!” Celestia pressured in disbelief.
“This elevator brought up the cake.”
Celestia’s eyes widened. “Say it again.”
“This elevator…”
Celestia cut him off saying “Again!”
“This elevator.”
Celestia couldn’t believe her ears. She grabbed Villaeneous’s face in her hooves. “You’re a genius!”
***** ***** *****
“Princess Celestia…” Twilight called as she hurried to keep pace with her mentor.
“Yes, Twilight?” Celestia turned back, her brilliant prismatic hair billowing elegantly.
“I saw you put in a new stain glass window, but I’m not familiar with what it is supposed to mean,” she asked turning to the picture on the wall.
The picture featured a devilish depiction of uneven and misshapen steps winding into a treacherous stairway, Celestia was depicted being thrust upward on an elevator reaching for cake. The elevator extended out of Villaeneous’s right hoof, and out of Villaeneous’s left hoof was a large cider stein. In the picture Villaeneous was depicted with a halo behind his head.
“That is a story for another time, Twilight,” Celestia said in a refined voice.
Author's Note
So, this was a fun little story inspired by my experiences with ridiculously good food and how there just never is enough of it. You look down, you look up, you look down again and its gone. It's just criminal. If you liked this, leave a like. Feel free to comment, or even just mention a comedy story you do like, as I am always looking for good comedic stories. Also, if you enjoyed this check out my other story.
