Cutie Mark Crusader Fanfiction Writers Go!

by SwiperTheFox

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Slice of Life, Sex
Length: 2930

The Cutie Mark Crusaders try to write fanfiction to get their cutie marks, having mixed results.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders talk about their older sisters. Sweetie Belle still doesn't get why Rarity enjoys freelance writing so much, especially for shows made for foals such as My Little Human. However, this conversation gives Scootaloo an idea. The three friends try their hooves at doing fanfiction to get their cutie marks, having decidedly mixed results.

I'm sort of doing this as a celebration for getting my four-hundredth watcher. This is an idea that was floated around 4chan several months ago, and it has always stuck in my mind. I'm also riffing on authors that do trollfics. Thanks for reading.

Published 2012-06-02 02:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-02 02:34:01 UTC

The Whole Thing

"Oh, my gosh, what's my silly sister up to now," Sweetie Belle muttered, sliding her hoof up and down along her pPad. She opened up PISfiction.net, where Rarity wrote out her fanfictions for all her friends. Applebloom and Scootaloo continued to wrestle over a huge, fancy sweater, trying to get it off of them. The clothing seemed to have a life of its own as it wrapped closer and closer. Sweetie looked closer to the screen. "I can't believe it."

When the Griffons Invaded Guyville

Morpheus, leader of the griffons, invades the world of My Little Human with his feathery army. He takes over from what he sees as the tyrannical reign of Princess Hillary Clinton. With the Great and Powerful Bowie taking co-command, using his amazing voice to sway whole human forces to the alien cause, it appears that nothing can go wrong for him. Yet Morpheus finds a certain human farm-girl with pretty freckles and a deep tan, making his heat flutter every time she uses her quirky accent. He wonders if mere power wasn't what he was looking for all along.

"A humanized Applejack?" Sweetie groaned. Her friends tumbled across the floor of Twilight's library, kicking and moaning. "What's this world coming to? What is this garbage you've just written out, Rarity? Ponies being portrayed as humans... it's so unnatural that it's just plain sick and weird."

"I told ya, pourin' the magical potion on it was a bad idea," Applebloom called out as she threw an itchy shoulder-pad over at Scootaloo. "Just because you made it alive ain't mean it'd fit any better, stupid!" The other filly blew a raspberry. A flurry of bright red magical sparks sped along the sweater's sides.

"I wonder how many views this monstrosity will get," Sweetie began. Before she could click on the link, her friends twirled to the side and smacked into her. She let out an 'ooh' as the enchanted sweater finally got off of them. Scootaloo bucked the sweater and hurled it out of the nearby window, making a smug expression afterwards.

"What's that about my Applejack?" Applebloom asked, leaning over besides Sweetie as she flickered her ears about.

"Oh, nothing! Nothing at all!" Sweetie called out, throwing her hooves over the pPad so that nopony could see.

"Oh, oh! Is it-- is it really?" Scootaloo asked, running over and slamming into Sweetie's side. The young unicorn found herself squished between the two of them like the marshmallow filling of a s'more. "It is! My Little Human: Progress is Scientific fanmare stuff online!"

"Yeah," Sweetie admitted, blushing. She pulled her hooves back and let her friends look all over the main page of PISfiction.net, which was one of the most popular sites for fanfiction of that foal's program.

"I love that show so much," Applebloom said, smiling and looking over at Sweetie. "My favorite human has gotta be that Freddie Mercury fellow. He has the voice of like a force of nature, almost. Dunno how in tarnation he can do it."

"Whatever," Sweetie muttered, trying to step out of the tight embrace of her friends.

"Hey!" Scootaloo yelled, spinning over and grabbing the pPad. She held it between her front hooves and looked out at her friends. "This gives me a great idea!"

"What?" Sweetie and Applebloom asked at the same time, gazing back with wide open eyes.

"Cutie Mark Crusader Fanfiction Writers!" Scootaloo bucked up on her hind hooves, wiggling her little wings out.

"I don't know about that," Sweetie said, sliding her head to the side. Applebloom, however, hopped in place and smiled from cheek to cheek.

"What are we waiting for?" Scootaloo asked, giving her friends playful slaps along their backs. "We all have pPads, don't we? We should get started right now!"

"So, are we all workin' on one big story? Together?" Applebloom met eyes with the peppy pegasus filly.

"Nah," Scootaloo replied, punching a hoof into the empty air. She made a soft chuckle. "Odds are, all three of us should come up with our own ideas and write them out. That way, we can pick the coolest one. The process of elimination will make a better product. Right? Then odds of a great fic are three out of one rather than one out of one." She smirked as she held her head back. "It's simple math."

"Didn't you just get a 'D' in math?" asked Sweetie.

"That's not the point!" Scootaloo retorted, pushing Sweetie's pPad over to her.

"I'm ready to start writin'," Applbeloom commented, hopping over towards the door. "I'll just head on over to Sugarcube Corner and grab Pinkie's pPad. She ain't gonna mind."

"Great!" Scootaloo replied. "Cutie Mark Crusaders, go!" In a matter of seconds, Sweetie's two friends sped out of the room. Sweetie looked down at her own pPad, clicked out of PISfiction, and opened up Ponysoft Words. She glanced over at the kitchen, and she visualized a nice, strong iced tea.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Sweetie remarked.

A little while later...

"Read mine first! Read mine first!" Scootaloo called out, jumping around her two friends and wiggling her backside. Frustration just seemed to drip off of Applebloom's face.

"It doesn't matter which fic we read first," Sweetie muttered. "And the--"

"So, let's read mine now!" Scootaloo interrupted, thrusting her pPad onto the big blanket between them. As the screen lit up, all three fillies focused forwards.

Little Colts Getting Made Of

A FANFICTION by SCOOTALOO

"Oh, gosh," Snails groaned. "I can't believe Twist just broke up with me!"

"Twist broke up with you?" Snips asked, running over to his friend. "That's not unpossible! I am not be believing this!"

Tears sped upwards from Snails face, pouring into his mane and out onto the ceiling. "Girls! I can't stand to stand girls anytime." He hugged his friend for a few hours, with their bodies touching again and again in parts both squishy and solid.

"Girls, oh yeah," Snips agreed. "Oh, hey, there's a message at the door." Snips went over to get the message at the door.

"Knock, knock," said the pony at the door. And then he knocked. Snips had a reserved expression punch him along the sides of his heads, making his ears stick out like TV antenna thingies.

"What is it?" Snips asked what was it.

"There's a package here for Snips," said the pony at the door since there was a package there for Snips.

"Oh, okay, so I'll just open the door," said Snips because he was okay with that. And then he opened the door.

The door at the pony happened to be Derpy. Snips' eyes became as huge as toilets because he was like in love with Derpy and stuff. Derpy wiggled her long blond mane at him as she slid over a big red box. Derpy was always like that because she like has a nice body and a great personality but she doesn't know it since she's kind of dumb, but not really that dumb but more like eccentric and stuff rather than dumb and she was always so soft and supple along her gray body.

"I looked up that word, 'eccentric'," Scootaloo said, putting on a satisfied expression. "Aren't I a smartie?"

Snips closed his huge as toliets eyes as Derpy flew off. She wiggled her flanks kind of like she was teasing him, but she wasn't really because she doesn't know how beautiful she is like I said before.

"What's in the packages?" answered Snails, and he leaned right up behind his friend.

"Let's open it up now," Snips asked, "it's probably for my mom, who'm I'm not talking about in detail because she's not a major character of this fanfiction, and she doesn't mind if I open up her stuff."

"Okay," Snails yelled, jumping out into a beanie bag chair. He looked all around Snips' living room. "Everything is so nice here," he thought. "Why can't girls like Twist have places as nice as this place?"

"I'm opening this," said Snips because he was going to opening it. He was opening it. He was then putting the empty box over to the side of him.

"Oooh," Snails went ooohed, and he felt his rumbling tummy getting all fluttery, even though Twist's rejection still sting like a seabass being rubbed up across your back.

"It's a dress," Snips said. "I'm going to put on the dress." He put on the dress. "I look so pretty." He said that because he looked so pretty.

"Are you sure that you should wear your mother's clothing?" Snails asked, because he was had never seen such a thing. But his eyes almost seemed to pop out and roll around the floor like marbles and stuff and then stick onto Snips' body like glue or whatever.

"What do you think?" Snips replied since he wanted to know what was Snails to be thinking. Snips stood up straight and curled the long, fluffy black lace along his hooves. His pudgy belly rubbed against the red bows along the sides of the dress thing. And he turned around to show how the red and black striped back of the dress made his flanks look like a girl's flanks.

"You look girly," Snails asked.

"I know, it's great, because girls are nice," Snips said. "And, since we like girls, we should want to dress as girls too. That's common sense."

"Hey, Snips," Snails said. He moved over and pressed his neck against Snips' neck. "You know how girls are all demanding and stuff? They want you to spend bits on them by buying them useless stuff, taking them to stupid places, and so on."

"Oh, yeah," Snips agreed. He looked over with his friend, and they just like stared and stuff. "Girls are so tough to deal with it."

"Why don't we just skip girls? Why don't we just do things ourselves?" Snails asked since he thought that skipping girls and just using Snips for pleasure would be so much easier. He wouldn't have to buy Snips fancy, expensive garbage and pretend to like her stories about her pets and listen to her endless moaning and complaining and whatever.

"I guess I would like that," Snips replied.

Snails said nothing back. Snails just was bending over and was applying his kisses to Snips back. He gripped a hoof underneath Snips' dress, touching along his chubby, sweaty flanks.

"Oh, my ovaries!" Snips called out.

"Yes!" Snails propped his fat friend against the beanie bag chair. "I want to take it into you."

Snips groaned. His supple jellies prepared for the imminent pounds from his emotional friend.

"I'll plow all the way to your ovaries, Snips!" Snails screamed as sweat melted across his slimy sides because we wanted to have sensual relations with Snips.

"I'm not... I'm..." Sweetie commented, standing up straight and stepping away from the blanket. "I'm done. I'm more than done with that story."

"Isn't my fanfic just pure awesome!" Scootaloo called out, leaning up against Sweetie.

"What are 'ovaries'?" Applebloom asked, a look of sheer confusion almost dripping off of her face.

Scootaloo opened up her mouth, posing in an obnoxious 'I am so smart' sort of pose. "Well, well, my dear uninformed Applebloom. It all starts inside of a colt's body where their eggsacks connect with their pancreatic tubes--"

"Let's just go and start your fanfic, Applebloom," Sweetie interrrupted.

"Sure!" Applebloom seemed locked in a look of perpetual happiness, as if she wanted to hug her friends forever.

Just The Way You Are, Freddie Mercury Damona!

By Applebloom

The stage was set. The crowd was wild. Thousands upon thousands of clamoring and screaming fans massed forwards, eyes all focused on the big red star in the middle of the stage. The energy flowed through every inch of the stadium.

"Mares and gentlecolts," yelled the announcer pony as big, bright-yellow lights shone out across the crowd. Ponies threw their hooves into the air. Joy enveloped everypony like a huge hug from invisible hooves. "An exclusive concert in Ponyville, staring right now, featuring--" The voice built up for emphasis. "From the massively popular rock band the Damonas, Freddie Mercury Damona!"

*Boom!*

A massive explosion rocketed along the stage. As red lights scattered across all over, a single fist pumped into the air. Out of the smoke and light stepped out a tall, powerful figure. He put on a huge grin, with his long, thick mustache going across his face.

"Now I'm hereeeeeeeeeeeee," Freddie sang, leaping up to the edge of the stage. Ponies clamored, all hoping to get a personal glimpse of the superstar. "I'm here to sing for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

The guitarist, bassist, and drummer ponies appeared behind them. They blasted out a strong set of power chords, hamming through an epic-sounding tune. Freddie danced side to side with the music. He stretched out an arm and clapped pony after pony. He made it to the edge of the stage, and he screamed out in ecstasy.

The band's pounding went on. Freddie began the first several verses. About half the crowd sang along. The house lights turned up a bit, and Freddie gestured to the masses. They all knew that pure magic was happening.

"Uh, Applebloom," Sweetie commented, putting a hoof against her friend's side. "Is there a story here? There seems to be no plot, no development, or no... anything. If i had to sum this up, it's nothing more than-- 'Freddie Mercury Damona being awesome.' Which isn't really a story."

"Freddie. Is. So. Awesome," Applebloom squeaked. She seemed to have stars flutter all across her eyes, and she rested her chin on her hooves. She panted a little.

"Well, okay, then," Scootaloo said. She laid flat down on the massive blanket, staring straight up at the library's ceiling. She rubbed her hooves together, her face contorting into such a frustrated expression. She lowered her voice. "I can't see what you stupids don't see in my brilliant story."

"Well, then, it's time for my own story," Sweetie said, presenting her friends with her own pPad. She didn't look particularly proud. As Applebloom snapped out of her daydreaming and looked over, she thought that Sweetie appeared just relieved to get the whole thing over with.

The Sword of Turin

By Sweetie Belle

Branch after branch whacked Sir Jon Stewart the Brave, dripping the cold, winter rain onto his smart black suit, as he rode his horse into the studio. He couldn't miss his interview with Princess Hillary Clinton. Yet, as per the secret mission that the fair, young royal had entrusted the proud television actor, he had spent a long time searching the nearby ruins.

He came upon the entrance to the Comedy Central studio. He got off of his huge black stallion, locking eyes with him. Steward put on a reserved smile.

"Many thanks, good friend," Stewart muttered.

"Forsooth," replied Spring Step the Stout-hearted, shaking his rain-soaked mane, "these unfortunate tidings shall break poor Princess Clinton's heart."

"Leave it to me," Stewart replied, taking a deep breath. "The Sword of Turin has been stolen from its secret hiding place. That, we know. What force for evil or for good stole it remains to be seen. Yet, if it's ability to provide free, universal health care services to the populace is co-opted by multinational corporations, all might be lost."

"I shall inform Prince Stephen Colbert of these unfortunate events at once, good Sir Stewart"

"Booooooooring!" Scootaloo yelled out.

"Is not!" Sweetie retorted.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

Sweetie stuck her tongue out at her irritated friend.

"You do that again, and I'm grabbing that tongue to wrap it around your head," Scootaloo growled.

"That doesn't even make sense," Sweetie replied. "How is something that illogical even an insult? That's like saying 'I'm going to take your mane and transmogrify it into sea sponges."

*Crash!*

"Sea sponges? Where?" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, bouncing around the library. She scattered the remains of what had been part of the roof all around the floor.

"Pinkie, ah," Sweetie said, "why did you just fall through Twilight's roof?"

"Probably, the author wanted a deus ex machina sort of ending," Pinkie replied, rolling her head from side to side.

"What?" the Cutie Mark Crusaders all asked in unison.

"Nothing, nothing," Pinkie commented, smirking and winking at the thin air in front of her.

"Hey, Pinkie," Sweetie Belle asked, "maybe you can help us. We all just wrote these fanficitons. Can you judge which one is best?"

"Okie-dokie-lokie!" Pinkie called out, and she picked up the pPads with her front hooves. "Let's get started!"

A little while later...

"Gee," Pinkie said, "these all suck."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders all teared up in unison, making big puppy-dog eyes over at Pinkie. They pressed against each other and groveled. The pink mare frowned, and she closed her eyes.

"Oh, you silly fillies," she said, patting them on the heads, "that just means that you won't get your cutie marks this way. How about you try doing something else?"

"Like what?" Applebloom asked, choking up from the tears.

"Like maybe stopping that magically-cursed sweater that's choking random ponies and trying to eat them outside," Pinkie replied.

As if on cue, a loud, muffled voice from a block away screamed out, "Oh, Celestia, it's got my face!"

An awkward ten seconds of silence followed.

"Oh, dear," Sweetie muttered. The three friends looked at each other for a moment. They then burst out the door of Twilight's library and ran out into the street.

Pinkie shrugged.

The End