Does Anything Really Matter?

by Diamond264

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Human, Sweetie Belle, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1053

A lot of ponies have a lot of questions for one single librarian.

On the night after the Canterlot Wedding, Fluttershy has a question to ask Twilight.
Then, Sweetie Belle has a question to ask Twilight.
It gets worse from there.
...

This fic is a parody of Would It Matter If I Was?, as well as every other parody of it. Maybe the reason this fic exists is because of all the parodies.
Far out, man.

Published 2015-10-19 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-19 03:50:01 UTC

So Many Questions, So Little Time

Twilight was having a nice night. Well, besides the changelings, but that was over. In her magic, she held a book, one of her favorite texts, and truly one of the all-time greats of the written work.

Happy Days held Wayward's hooves in hers, and for a moment, their eyes met.

"No," cried Happy. "I'll never let go."

"You have to let go, Happy!" cried Wayward. "For the good of both of us!

"FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, KISS EACH OTHER ALREADY!" shouted Twilight.

"Um, are you okay, Twilight?"

"Oh! Uh, yes!" Twilight threw the book back on the bookshelf swiftly. Her eyes held tears, for she wouldn't be able to get her fill of romance novel tonight.

Nopony must ever know.

Twilight turned to the visitor. "Hello, Fluttershy. What brings you here tonight? Did you or one of your animals need a book?"

"...I have a rhetorical question. Can I ask it? ...If you don't mind?" asked Fluttershy, who, of course, was the untimely visitor and the reason Twilight wouldn't finish her book.

Nopony must ever know.

"Okay, shoot. What is your question?"

"...Would it matter if I was? ...A changeling, I mean."

"Would it?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to waste your time, I'm sorry!"

"It depends on how long you've been a changeling," continued Twilight, cutting off her friend's apologies. "If you replaced the real Fluttershy at the Canterlot Wedding, and you are trying to trick me into thinking it wouldn't matter if you were a violent shapeshifting bugpony, I would put my horn to good use and impale you with extreme prejudice."

"Eep!"

"However, if you've been, hypothetically, of course, a changeling since and before I even knew you, you would still be the same pony. It wouldn't matter at all." finished Twilight.

"Um... O-okay." stammered Fluttershy, still shell-shocked by the "impaled with extreme prejudice" threat Twilight oh-so-casually made. "If it doesn't matter..." *FLASH* "...It wasn't rhetorical."

"How long have you been a changeling?" asked Twilight, horn glowing, with a face of extreme suspicion.

"I've been a changeling from the start, I swear!" cried Changeling!Fluttershy. Her entire carapace-covered body was shaking, and tears were coming from her eyes. Twilight didn't even know changelings could cry.

"...Okay." Twilight's horn stopped glowing, as the suspicious look on her face disappeared. "I believe you."

"...If you don't mind me asking, what spell were you using?"

"Lie detection."

"...O-oh."

The door to the library burst open. "Twilight! Twilight! I have to ask you a question!"

Twilight sighed, as she realized this was going to be one of those days. "What is it, Sweetie Belle?"

"Would it matter if I was a robot? As in, metal, and automated?"

"...No?"

Sweetie Belle removed most of her face, revealing the robotics within.

"AUGH LUNA CHRIST!"

Rarity then ran through the library door. "Sweetie Belle! Don't go showing what's under your face to random ponies!"

Sweetie Belle whirred as she turned to face her "sister". "What about when your coltfriend came over and found out what you were?"

Rarity jumped in surprise that her sister saw that of all things. When she did, her mask fell off, revealing that she was actually a Prench human with a red balaclava and tuxedo. Male, might I add. "...Ahem."

Rainbow Dash came flying through the doorway. "Hey, why's everypony here? Is there a part-" She stopped, looking at the frazzled librarian, the shy changeling, the filly without a face, and the... "SPY!"

Rainbow Dash took off her mask, revealing that she was the exact same human that Rarity was, except her clothes were blue and she had... a jetpack, of all things. "I never really was on your side," he boasted while he took out his revolver, while REDSpy!Rarity did the same.
...

"I need a fucking drink," groaned Twilight. In her library was 1) a malfunctioning Sweetie Belle, B) a gunfight, ...) a changeling trying to hide behind the mane she didn't have, I lost count) an Applejack with a pear cutie mark, and Finale) a pink-maned pony with a red-and-black costume trying to talk to the audience which isn't there.

Derpy came through the door. "Hi guys, I just wanted to-" She paused, seeing the chaos, and decided that there would be a better time to reveal that she was an Elder God. She promptly skedaddled.
...

What did they go on to do?

Fluttershy one day went into the Everfree and never returned. Legend has it that if you go in, you might stumble across her cottage, caring for the numerous animals in the woods.

RED Spy and BLU Spy eventually teamed up. They infiltrated bases of the other nations, ensuring that Glorious Mother Equestria eventually reigned supreme over all other races. They met an untimely death at the claws of Quick "Marksman" Draw the Griffon in the Mild West, at the ages of 54 and 55, respectively.

Pearjack eventually embraced her Pear heritage. She left home and started Pear Orchards. The orchards still stand there today, manned by her great-grandchildren.

Pinkiepool killed millions, and she never revealed why. The only reason she isn't seen as a menace today is that all the dead ponies eventually turned out to be serial boopers, who are even worse than serial killers because the booped do not have the sweet embrace of death upon them. Several ponies followed in her footsteps when she died of AIDS, and one night, you might see one running along the rooftops while casually conversing with the audience.

Twilight lost her sanity that night. She was kept in an asylum until she crafted an escape tool out of her mashed potatoes, some lint, and a laser pointer some guard casually left in the pet therapy room. Seriously, why would anyone do that? She escaped into the wilderness. There is a reason nopony camps anymore.

Derpy is still managing the universe as Elder God of Muffins and Other Assorted Baked Goods. One day she will come back to judge us all, and we will be taken into her muffinly afterlife. As the Good Book says, love your muffins.

Oh, and Sweetie Belle wondered if there was an afterlife for robots and killed herself to see. Nobody cared.

Author's Note

My first fic was jumping on a bandwagon. Who knew?