Pleasant Commentator and Review Group Reviewsby KaribelaChaptersLittle Pink pony princess or whateverDawn of a New DayIce CrystalsOne Horn too ManyThis Cruel and Random worldNot so Pinkie-pieLittle Pink pony princess or whatever...Why? That's what I'm asking, and I'm sure it's what the author is, too. More on that later. Linkedy Link: A Game of Kings and *phew* Very Long Titles by Lost_Marbles *NOTE: As of now, I have read to chapter five of the fic. I believe that's enough for me to make my decision on this. *NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: The fic's pic has been changed, issues addressing the fic's pic in this review may as well be non-existent So, before we get into the review-proper. I admit, there's a reason I took this fic up in particular for my first review here. It's because, well... the guy's been promoting himself so much! As I'm sure at least a couple of you have noticed, many many threads have been devoted to the author's promotional cartoons, adverts to his chapters on shameless-self-promotion, and, well, I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. He clearly puts a lot of work into his promotions, doing not only drawings but animations, too, and that's gotta count for something, right? Let's check it out. First Impressions The Synopsis: Rodents of unusual size have made their home in the Castle of the Two Sisters and have caused panic in Ponyville. Should Twilight call an exterminator? Follow Hauteclaire, the Mouse King's bard and punching bag, as he puts up with his bizarre, sadistic, and diminutive King; Porthos, a drunk the size of a carriage; Marcus, his know-it-all and hack poet brother; Godiva, a violent pony-fanatic; Knebryter, a pony head on a stick; nosy ponies, friendship, bad jokes, and pretty much everything else that pisses him off. This is how the fic sells itself, and... well, it's a bit split, isn't it? One paragraph makes me assume that we're following Twilight in whether she should exterminate these 'rodents of unusual size', and the other talks about this Hauteclaire bloke. You should really go one way or the other in my opinion, so as not to lead the reader astray. I can tell you this, though; the fic certainly goes down the 'follow Hauteclaire route' as soon as we get through the prologue. Twilight... doesn't seem to have much of a say in things. So, tags. Are they applicable? Of course they're applicable! Well, I believe they are at this point. I haven't seen any reason for the 'sex' tag as of yet aside from some rather crude (but funny 'cuz crude) conversations, and honestly, that might just be it. The 'teen' tag here is actually very applicable in this fic. The author clearly wanted to portray a middling between extremes of PC and outright mature themes, and they seem to have hit that metaphorical nail on the head. There's nothing that really stands out as 'ew, that seems really strange for this tag-system' in the fic so far as I've seen, and I'm liking that. So, before I wander off into 'fic mechanics' territory... I want to address this prologue-bit. That's part of the 'first impressions', after all. The prologue... is not my favourite bit. And I can explain why. So, in order to be as un-spoilery as possible... the majority of the fic is in Hauteclaire, one of the rodent's POV, while the prologue is in the pony's POV. The prologue appears to be the most weakest point in this story, with weaker sentence formatting (a distinct lack of commas in some places), some weird conclusions made by the ponies, and... it's overall much more boring than the rest of the fic. Which is such a damn shame! Pinkie stared off into space before chortling. “Hehe! That is funny!” ^I mean, c'mon, bae, you've gotta accent her a bit! There's also some very long non-English parts, which, well... we won't go into them anymore. The major thing, the most important reason making the rest of the story much more interesting by comparison, is that the main character Hauteclaire is essentially narrating the story, or at least his thoughts are, in the rest of the fic. This doesn't happen in the prologue, and thus it suffers heavily as a result. But as the prologue is the only thing we're given at the start... it sets the fic off to a bad impression for me. Mechanics Moving on, because I'd hate to talk about the fic's cons primarily in this review. Grammar: Good throughout. Not great, mind... there's a few hiccups here and there: No. It’s something we must do if we are EVER go back.” And they are capable of teleportation, too. Did Godiva lie about their magical powers,too? But it's mostly pretty solid. The issues are very minor, and they're negated by the rest of it being of good quality. Dialogue: At the start of the fic, this is the strongest point. Sure, no pony with an accent is accented (and this continues pretty much throughout the fic, with a bit of an exception for AJ on the occasion), and some of the prologue stuff in general is a bit... weird, to say the least. But we don't care about the prologue anymore. We care about the mice, who constantly rattle off each other and argue and bicker and YES! Oh, yeah. The main characters in the fic, the ones who count, have great conversations. I love 'em. Going into that, we have to talk about characterisation. This is the fic's entire strong point. We've got some mice, who are all very different from one another in distinct ways. Personally, I found them all likeable in their strange, argumentative ways, and how they all seem to work together despite them. Worldbuilding: The world we're given, that being Ponyville and a floating castle, is done well. The world we're not shown is also pretty interesting. At the start, this 'game' business that the story talks about for far too long gets a bit irritating (in the 'Stop talking about something I have no idea about!' sort of way), but thankfully it's a short piece. The world where the rodents come from is given to us respectfully piecemeal, and it's a pleasure knowing a bit about it every now and then after we've known the characters we (or at least, I'm) so fond of. Pacing: Never too fast, but slow at times. I found a couple instances of conversations which I wasn't interested in the slightest, but they really only happened with the support characters. The main characters, on the other hand, are very interesting, and the pacing does well to make sure they're given just enough time to fill out their antics before moving onto the next scene. Point of View: As said before, it's told in one of the rodent's POV's for the most part, and by God is it done well. The POV is of the most sarcastic rat you'd ever known, and everything he says (aside from his singing. It's K (sorry!)) is great. I loved reading his slant on everything, it really adds the depth you need. The Show/Tell law is upheld and hasn't been a problem for me since... well, since the prologue. In fact, I believe in one of the later chapters I noted that a tell-version of the prologue, as it is shown, is much better than that whole prologue to begin with. It would add another layer of mystique by asking the question, "What really did happen to those characters at the point before this story starts?", in my opinion. Character Development So, while there hasn't been too much character development so far as I've gotten, and I'm sure there's going to be, well... there's one thing that irks me in this department. It's to do with the characters. I'll put it in spoilers. Throughout the fic, the rodents appear to be able to use magic. Some very strong magic. They can warp things out of dust, teleport things out of nowhere... so why do they need to be friends with the ponies at all, nor steal from them, either? Maybe it's a part of 'the game', but... it just irks me the wrong way. They just seem too powerful, being able to solve pretty much everything with magic, if they needed to. And yes, that coming from the person who watched MLP wherein magic is used frequently and rather overpowered-ly... but to be honest, I don't like that either. I like some restraints to keep my characters interesting. Hell, if these rodents didn't find it in their hearts to help anyone... this'd probably be a pretty dull story. They could overpower them easy, and at the start, that appeared to be what they were going to do. Originality When's the last time you heard about magic rodents, riding a levitating castle into Ponyville? Okay, so that's a bit oversighted of me. Sure, there's been fics where original characters, not of pony-kind, go into Ponyville and help with some grand plot. But as far as I can tell... these rodents aren't part of some 'grand plot', not yet. In fact, most of the problems caused are by themselves, and the interesting divides in personality between the rodents are what keeps the story going strong. I like it. I think nothing is inherently 'original', but if there was a scale between original or not, this'd be pretty high up. Impact As I've said with the prologue, the first impression is weak. After that, it's all way more interesting, and it's why I wish the prologue wasn't there in the first place. The fic asks questions, almost all revolving around the rodents. Admittedly I don't care about the mane 6 at this point... I care a lot more about these new visitors, how they got here, why they got here, and what they're going to do. I want to know more about them, because I'm damned sure there's a lot more to flesh out. The fic makes me want to read the rest of it, if only to see if it keeps up in quality. Once you get past the beginning, I'd give it a high-ish score. Conclusion So, here's what I think about it. Would I recommend it? Yes. It's bursting with character. The ongoing plot could go anywhere, and I don't like that usually... but it really appears here that the author has put some solid work into it. It looks like it's going in a direction that the author knows. There's a few things that bother me, sure, but the overall feel is one of positivity. There's an air of professionalism that you don't often receive. So... back to the question at the start of this. 'Why? Why does this have so few views, when it's clearly had so much work put into it?' I've honestly seen far greater view counts for far, far less. I'm kind of surprised that not many people have taken onto it, but that said... maybe it is the first impression? I can't say it's all the reason, but that's what I've come up with. The synopsis is split in two (There's no reference to Twilight and an exterminator inside the fic, far as I can see). The prologue is... meh. And I don't like to criticise your art, since I love the animations and the fun little characters in every chapter, but... maybe there's a bit too much going on in the cover? Try making it simpler; think Game of Thrones, for instance! Hundreds of thousands of words, and yet, the cover art to the first book is as simple as a few mountains. (Or a bronze-looking dragon.) The promotions, too. Lay off 'em a bit, as you can't force someone to read what you've got. The only way you can do it is through persuasion, really, and how do you do that...? ...Well, getting positive reviews, for one. I hope this has helped, and I can assure you that this'll be one of the fics I'll certainly read further in my own time. Scores: Plot: Not entirely certain, but nothing comes out as majorly 'wrong'. 13/20. Mechanics: As I said, I think it's pretty good. Could run through a proofreader or two a couple more times for earlier passages. 16/20. Characterisation: It's hard to make a new group of characters funny. You've done great at it. 20/20. Originality: I'm learning new things as I go along. It's pretty out there. 16/20. Impact: Some problematic early issues that really stifle the introduction, to this otherwise pretty humorous story. Skip the prologue! 12/20. Final score: 77/100 *Recommended* (*P.S: This is my first review, so I'm still working out the point system. That said, when I read this, I was thinking 'High seventies', and that's what it turned out as. Yey me, I guess? ) Dawn of a New DayAssassins Creed, anyone? More on that seemingly-unrelated topic later. Linkedy Link: The Dawn of a New Revie... uh, day by The Eternal Emperor *NOTE: This Review is based off my reading the first 5 chapters, and skimming over about 7 more. First Impressions The synopsis: How did this happen? Humble Pie thought the sentance over and over again as blood dripped from the blade, making a small puddle on the floor. This was just to be a vacation with his niece, but now it's the beginning of something else. Multiple contradictions in the very first impression aren't a great way to start: First off, 'sentence'. Grammar is very important in the synopsis, and you must check it at least 3 times to make sure it's golden. The title is 'Dawn of a New Day', and the picture seems to go with that, showing Twilight. Then we go to the synopsis, and we're talking about... 'Humble Pie'? Is this fic about Humble, or is it about Twilight? Well, looking at the tags... Twilight isn't there. Regardless of your cover-art making qualities, getting access to one which is relevant should always be important. The other couple major confusions I found reading over it is with the synopsis and the other tags... let's check them out. 'Sex', 'Romance', 'Crossover', 'AU'.... Crossover with what? When you're crossing something over, you should always say what you're crossing over so the people who know it can be interested in your fic right off the bat. You can get a good audience with known crossovers, trust me on that one. Finally, the synopsis clearly says something about moider most foul. When you reference murder, and don't have a dark tag, then you're usually getting something wrong. This isn't a comedy fic where we're murdering the pickle-jar, this is described and presented as a serious thing. The same can be said about having 'romance' and all that in a fic without referencing it in the synopsis. *Phew*... sorry about that. There's some other minor issues, but we'll leave it there for now. The important thing is that you understand why these issues were issues, and fix them so that your readers understand what they're getting into. Another thing you'll be seeing from first impressions is quotes that sort of make sense in the first couple chapters, but slowly start to degrade... eventually, they stop all together. But from my opinion that's good, with such classics as these: "Chuga, chuga, chuga, vroom, vroom!" A train. "Tick tock"-unkown ^I wasn't sure if I was getting played for reading the fic, or if this was meant to be funny. Certainly don't add quotes for no reason at the start of chapters. They're a nuisance, not great for foreshadowing, and certainly don't add anything with pointless ones such as these. Mechanics Grammar: 90% good/OK. The sentence structure + format is what really needs attention. The fic certainly needed a few more looks through with a proof-reader or two: "For Celestia's sake!" grumbled the stallion in a funny accent that sounded like what a pony from Trottingham would sound like if they ate pebbles . "How could you forget!” While it was for the most part grammatically sound, I would never say that it was particularly strong. There was nothing that came out at me as, 'wow, that's really good!' It was all rather 'OK'. Dialogue: Well, there's a lot of it, that's for sure. The majority of dialogue in this fic is one-liners. That being, a single sentence being said to someone, who then says a single sentence back, and so on. Par example: “Morning Humble, oh Time Turner,” said Carrot. “I forgot you were coming today.” “Well I would have come later but-” “Awww, babies!” said Dinky fawning over the giggling twins. “And what are you doing here Dinky?” said Cup Cake ruffling Dinky’s hair. “Well I promised Derpy-” “The doctor told mommy that he would take me to see A.K Yearling!” said Dinky hopping around. “What she said.” “And Humble why are you so dressed fancy?” said Carrot as Humble adjusted his tie. “Same reason as this little filly,” said Humble patting Dinky on her helmet. “To meet Miss Yearling.” “Well Mister, uhh,” said Time Turner. “Humble Pie, uncle of Pinkie Pie,” said Humble putting out a hoof. “But please call me Humble.” You get the picture. But remember this quote. It's important, I tell you. Worldbuilding: Assassins Creed Syndrome. That's what I'm coining it. Essentially, large portions of your story are told through flashbacks, except that the flashbacks don't really correlate with the present too much. For the most part, you the flashback world is more interesting. In fact, you'd much rather the story be told entirely in the past than with all these flashbacks. This is definitely present for the first few chapters. I soon realised that the majority of these flashbacks weren't actually telling anything of note to this story, or when that damn murder-thing was going to happen. Other than that, it's pretty much just Ponyville... I think. I'm not sure, there was a lot of talking, and not a lot of 'Oh, we're here! Let's explain this area now.' There's a bit of worldbuilding at the start, and there IS a train described at the start (not in the same chapter as that quote, tho), but it seems to run off somewhere else later. Finally, there seem to be some more sinister things happening in the background, and therefore the 'dark' tag would be useful. Pacing: This is best done at the start. There's some ponies trying to get this writer! Hmm, interesting, why? Suspense, as they try to get in closer. Afterwards, though? Slow. Much too slow. You know that quote with the 1 liners? That's how the majority of this fic is set as. Lots of somewhat pointless talking, and never really getting back to the whole synopsis-suspense thing of, 'Murderer'! Well, there's talking, then there's this that I found a bit later: “A disaster at Bargain Baryard today,” said Stale reading the paper. “As a series of explosions caused the crowd gathering to see famous author of the Daring Do series, A.K. Yearling went wrong with panic and stampeding injuring dozens of fans. A citizen named Doctor Time Turner was severely injured at the start of the chaos.” Eyewitness statement was what Stale read next. “I heard a loud pop and the next thing I heard this guy shouting out in pain,” said bystander Noodle Bowl. Mister Turner’s exact medical condition is unknown at this point due to doctors and nurses refusing to speak to us. An eyewitness who is anonymous has described the suspects of the chaos as two stallions with one being a one eyed yellow unicorn with a target shaped cutie mark and the other a chestnut coated earth pony with a scar on his muzzle with a thick Trottingham accent along with a bat shaped cutie mark. If anypony knows anything about these two dangerous criminals who have foalnapped notable author Humble Pie, writer of Ice Barrels and The adventures of Con Colt, and uncle to the element of laughter Pinkamena Diane Pie, please contact the local authorities,” said Stale finishing the paper. “Huh.” ...I hope you didn't read through all that. Never, ever tell your story like this. A massive block of exposition text is not fun. Point of View: A bit of a switch at the start, but for the most part it's 3rd person Humble-Pie following as he meets and greets everyone in Ponyville. Show and Tell: In reverse for the majority of the story. I think this is the part that is really the most major issue here. You must learn when to show, and when to tell. To know this, you must first know what your story is trying to present. What's the main plot? Is it about dagger-murdering something or other? Ok! In that case, you don't need to have about 3 or so 7K word chapters about showing Humble meet literally everypony in Ponyville. It's just not required, and is very off-putting to what should be the main plot. You want to be showing all the stuff later, which is much more important to the plot. If this rule was addressed properly, the fic would be about 1/10th of the size. I'll skip to the conclusion at this point, as I feel I've said my piece. Conclusion Honestly? The premise isn't bad, if not confusing at first. There seems to be two ponies trying to capture this one writer dude. Want to know why? Find out in this story! The thing is, it shouldn't be anywhere near this long-drawn out. Along with AC Syndrome, the actual 'plot' of the story becomes lost between flashbacks and greeting the residents of Ponyville. Try to give us a good, strong plot, make it interesting, and stay focused on that in later attempts. That'll be what gives you a better story in the future. Also, always remember that proofreaders are abundant and plentiful right now. Go find three or so good un's willing to help you, and you're set for some learning experience and good writing-times. (As for scores, I won't post them unless you directly message through this thread/otherwise that you want me to. This isn't Blunt Reviews, after all) *Needs Work* Ice CrystalsRomance-fic time! Let's check it out. Linkedy Link: Ice Crystals by The DJ Rainbow Dash First Impressions The Synopsis: In a small hiccup of insensitivity, Rarity finds out a secret Rainbow Dash hid from everypony she knew, and does so in a way she regrets. To fix her mistake involves a trade, a fear for a fear. Rainbow Dash decides to tackle one of these by taking her to a place where few ponies ever go. To get to that place, they're going to go up. Ooh. Fear trade? I like the sound of that. I'd also like to know what this 'secret' about RD is. To be honest, I quite like the synopsis! I think the only thing that seems a bit off is the cover art. It seems to depict a rather warm, happy time, while the synopsis is talking about "THE FEAR TRADE". I mean, they can both work in romance, but in a 7.2K fic, we're probably only going to see one of them in action. Other than that, with a skim read, you can tell that the fic has been paragraphed properly, and is rather easy to read. Which is good, since the first chapter is certainly one of those 'you might get lost' kind of chapters. Mechanics Grammar: Solid. I didn't notice anything out of place, so that's always a good sign. I think that the way the two chapters are portrayed is very different from one another from a prose stance, though; the first chapter is much more slower, and detailed on smaller things, while the second one gets moving with some more momentum. Dialogue: Very thin on the first chapter (but then again, Rarity is by herself.) I'd say that Rarity sounded a 'bit' out of ordinary in the first chapter, with lines like this: “Generosity be damned. Couldn’t I be generous in a more subdued way?” But you have to remember that she's alone, and therefore, she'd probably talk differently by herself. In the second paragraph, I'd say that RD acts a bit blunt and stubborn in the way she talks, too, being more evidence why the fic seems to approach the relationship here as a bit less 'warmer' than the cover art appears to show it. Worldbuilding: Not really too much here. There's a bit of recounting in the first chapter, as it's primarily about something that has been done, and is not happening right now, but that's about it. Rarity reacts to it in the present, and is apparently quite upset about it all. This makes for a rather sombre-feeling to the first chapter. Pacing: Eh.. The first chapter is a bit slow, and pretty much describes the situation for a couple thousand words. I'd say that it certainly gets more readable in the second chapter, though. The fic seems to be set up as chapter one being the premise, and context which is given to the second chapter's 'payoff', ending the story suitably. Point of View: It's all from Rarity's perspective, and thoughts, 3rd person. Show and Tell: We're given an interesting merge of this in the first chapter, with Rarity remembering the events that happened before in a 'I'm such a fool' kinda-way, as well as her doing things such as flipping through pages, flipping over onto her belly into despair... The second chapter is pretty much all show aside from the ending-payoff, which I kind of liked. A lot of talking, sure, but it does it's job well. Character Development Good in some parts, a bit sketchy in others. Explanation: Rarity clearly feels she's in the wrong at the start, and ends up deciding she'll make things right with a visit after pondering over the answer. There's a really nice end to the first chapter with: She was going to fix this, no matter what it took. But on the second chapter, there's this one bit a felt.. a bit confused about. RD basically acts very blunt to Rarity, and Rarity acts passive in response, despite her vow in the first chapter. She gets over it in the end, becoming quite strong with what she's saying, but it takes a while. Also, on the RD front... well, she barely changes her position at all. She's a bit like a wall, and can only be nudged very slightly after the whole 'payoff' at the end. You'd expect her to be a bit more lenient to her friend, but I think it still worked as it is. Perhaps the thing Rarity has worked her up about really hits her hard? It seems a bit unbelievable, to be honest, but maybe we're missing some context. In which case, it'd be good to clear us up on that. Originality As other people have said, the premise, a 'fear trade', is rather original. While this may be true, however... I thought the story played out a bit too predictable. I knew what was going to happen in the second chapter before I read it, what with the cliff-hanger ending on the first chapter. Admittedly, I didn't think RD would be so wall-like as described before, but she pretty much played it out as was expected regardless. Now, while that predictability wasn't necessarily bad, as the ending was satisfying in itself... something that surprised me could've done this 'originality' field a great service. It kind of reminded me of 'The Imitation Game', a movie I watched recently. Interesting idea, predictably played out... but still enjoyable. Impact and Conclusion Yeah, I liked it. That's what I got from this fic. I felt like I enjoyed it. The two chapters work well together to portray a relationship between two pones. If there's anything I'd have liked to have changed, it would be a bit more of an explanation as to why RD was as mad as she was portrayed in the first chapter, and some way to tie together the whole, 'I destroyed your couch n'stuff, now gimme forgiveness' which seemed a bit off. There's a pretty cool payoff at the end, and it's set together with a moral. All in all, it's a quaint little fic, and did enough to charm me. Would I recommend it? For the story itself, I'd say you might be able to get better elsewhere, but for that dynamic switch between the two chapters, and the whole premise of a 'fear trade' in itself which is quite present, I'd say it's worth it. Scores: Plot: Predictable, though I did like the reflection in the first chapter. 12/20 Mechanics: A bit slow, and a bit confusing at the start, but it gets faster on the second chapter. Nothing 'stands out' as bad, nor amazing, but it's pretty good. 15/20 Characterisation: Sketchy here and there, but there's a couple of scenes that I really liked. 12/20 Originality: Interesting idea, predictable but still enjoyable format. 13/20 Impact: Yeah, I liked it. While the start is a bit slow, the impact of the two chapters together is worth a bit of reading. 14/20 Final Score: 66/100 *Recommended* One Horn too ManyMature-fic Saturday! What, you think that'll actually be a thing? Pff, don't be so silly. Linkedy Link: Horns for Days by WiseFireCracker As an aside, this fic isn't finished, though I've read as far as I can at the moment. That's like, 8, 9 chapters, 50K or so words? That's a lot, bae. More than enough to do a review of it. First Impressions Synopsis: Two horns. That’s all it took. One too many, and then, you’re nothing but a tool, a means to an end. Oh, gently, it’s not your fault you were born like this. But you must help, you must contribute to the survival of the species. Pick your poison - we mean choice, of course -. We will protect you. Even if you were not born a bicorn. In the end, you are too frail and too few to be anything other than sheltered and belittled. You’re precious. Uhh.... you wot, mate? I mean, we're talking about bicorns here. That's all the synopsis says. I'd appreciate some kind of explanation as to what the story contents are, but... maybe this is it? After all, the picture given, as well as the tags, and this description combined, make for a quite 'dark' setting. I'm guessing jail cells, bloody fights, horrible atrocities on an innocent race... or something like that. Your typical mature-dark fic, but with a new race! Then again... when we look at the tags, we can see that blood, or at least a lot of gore, isn't applicable. In fact, the tags we get are 'Mature', of course, 'Dark', 'AU', 'Human', and... 'Slice of Life'? Is this some kind of dark story based in a jail cell, where we see a slice of life in the depths of criminality, or something? What have we gotten ourselves into? Plot That's a question which isn't easily answered, until we find out the gist of the story about 3 chapters in. Essentially, the outward appearance is somewhat misleading. In fact, quite so. The main factor here is certainly Slice of Life, as the characters act like any normal HiE-turned pony... appear in the middle of a forest, try to find Twilight, try to get back to their own world. That's the main premise. It starts out pretty strong, I think. The two protagonists seem to be in a world where 'bicorns', which is what they are, are treated differently. Strange... could this be some evil plot, a harnessing of their rare power? However... it's not as dark or mature as it looks. In fact, the characters are more dark/mature than the world they've entered! They go around, get hired a place by Twilight, go shopping for clothes and so on... meanwhile, no real threat occurs. They argue a bit, get told they're given marefriends, and argue a bit more for arguing's sake. There's something towards the end about them being oracles, but there's no plot to capture them or anything, as far as I see. In fact, the other ponies act pretty nice to them. 'What happens after all that'? You may ask? Well... I've summed up the first 9 or so chapters. Slice of Life, ladies and gentlemen. In the end, it's rather less exciting than it should be, and I feel there were some missed opportunities to really use that premise to its utmost. Mechanics Grammar: 99% good. All it really needs is a proofreader or two to flush out one or two problems like these: “A treasure with a secret compartment it looks like.” “Yeah, I agree. So, how are you holding up then, mate?” The englishmen huffed. Minor problems here and there, but nothing that really breaks immersion, in my opinion. Dialogue: It's... okay. A major problem I have is not what is being said, but how much it IS being said. Arguments between the two main characters are usually lengthy, and happen often. Frankly, it lengthens the fic on for way too long than it should be, and should have been told instead of shown to begin with. Most of the dialogue doesn't add anything to the story. I'd also comment that as an English person, I had no idea what accent was being portrayed by the English person, or 'Brit'. He says 'salutations', and this sort of thing: “Oh no, you didn’t! I’ll have you know that I’m not one of your country’s hellish spawn!” When he's typing, and when he's talking up-front, it's even more confusing: “So, what you are saying, lass, is we’re magical goat ponies?” “Hey wanka, have you ever had a ct scan? You need one, mate.” Is he a 50-year old man who addresses people as 'lass' and 'lad' all the time, or is he a 20-year old from London say 'you wanker', and 'you need one, mate'? (Admittedly, I doubt a lot of you will understand where I'm coming from here, but it's basically like this: No young person would say 'lass' or 'lad' to people they didn't know in England, except perhaps the... Scots? It also mentions he's in Winchester, which is right down the South. Think a man born and raised in Canada who wears a Stetson out in public, and speaks like a Texan). Regardless of that, the dialogue is used way too much between the two protagonists, and makes a lot of the story easily skippable without missing any of the... well, the story. Worldbuilding: There's a rare species called bicorns, who are apparently oracles. They also live in large herds, and therefore the two protagonist-bronies have to marry a ton of mares or something. That's about it. Pacing: It's too slow, man. When you set up your story to be dark and mysterious with that cover art + the generally pretty dark-fic style tags, you'd expect there to be a darkfic. But as far as I can see, no major problems have occurred. It's literally just a couple of blokes living privileged lives in Equestria. We need a threat, or a major obstacle, in order for it to be a story. Maybe this is just me, but I'm not a fan of slice of life stories where nothing interesting happens. Oh, you go on a date? Cool. You go to the pub? Great. Where's the point that makes this worth reading? I could do it myself and write a story about it, if I wanted to. When I'm reading stories, though, I'd rather have some bigger, more dramatic story arcs though. While I don't this fic is entirely in the 'this is literally just slice of life' style, it's much more close to that than anything else. PoV: The narrator seems to take on a 'all encompassing view' at times, so I wouldn't say it's fixed on those two. Probably a better way to deal with it when you're writing for two main protagonists, but I'm personally in the 'I want to have suspense, not knowing what the other pony is feeling' camp myself. Show and Tell: Like I've said earlier, there's a lot of areas where telling might have made the pacing a lot better. I don't remember any bad cases of tell. Impact: The start, and that mysterious idea of where the story is going to go, is quite good. How it turns out is not-so-good. I did like the mini-prologue stories, though, and thought their story was pretty interesting. The whole 'unicorn's eyes flashing' and stuff later was a rather impactful image. Character Development The... two characters are humans. One is French, the other is British. The French person occasionally speaks French. He is the 'level-headed' person, or so I understand. The British person is usually rude, for... no particular reason. Like, he just gets in ponies faces for no reason... Would you do that, if you were in a world you presumed was fake, and you'd been watching this world for presumably years? I think an important point is to always understand where your characters are coming from, so you can write how they come to their actions and conclusions. This could be a way to improve it. They're both bronies, yet... they don't really act like it's much of an 'amazing' world to be in. They argue a lot, and, I mean... one mentions clopping at one point? There's crude humour where I'd rather have seen story progression, to be honest. In general, I didn't feel very attached with either character, aside from at the start of each chapter. There's this sort of prologue-story, wherein the character's past, and how they got to Equestria, is explained. Sure, there's even more arguing... but at the end, there's some sort of story, some sort of goal, and how they react to it. I actually read the start of all the final chapters before reading the main stuff, since it seemed to be going somewhere a lot quicker than all the 'goes to pub, goes to date' stuff. Conclusion: It wasn't my cup of tea. Perhaps it is somebody's, though. After all, I pretty much am rating this story for what it's advertised as; a mature, dark, human in equestria sort of deal, wherein these bicorns are meant to be persecuted. What I get is these bicorns being overly privileged with their own homes, friendly assistance around Ponyville, dates with mares who were arranged to foster their...children? If anything, the 'dark' 'mature' bit is on the mare's side of the story, on how they got into that horrible position. There's no real conflict, and I don't really understand why it's marked as mature or dark from this point of view. Maybe the story will relate to those points later, but for now, it's more of a teen-slice of life with a bit of dodgy romance. I'm sure people do like that sort of thing, and that's why it's quite highly rated. I'm just not the audience for it, y'know? But even as a teen slice-of-life, I do feel that there's a bit too much time-wasting with all the arguments, and rambling-talk between the two protagonists. If there was a bit more tell, and a bit less show, this could half the size of the fic, while still keeping all relevant information. I do hope that the story develops as it continues to progress, though, as I'd like to see that cover art and mature-theme come out at the end. It could just be a very slow setup, into a much more interesting story. But as for now... it *needs work*. I didn't feel like I gained a significant story out of it, and felt like a lot of it simply wasn't compelling. This Cruel and Random worldTwicord. Linkedy Link: This Cruel and Random World by Bluegrass Brooke *Note: I have read the first 4 chapters, and skimmed through some other chapters later, as well as a bit at the end. First Impressions: Synopsis: Twilight could not have been more ecstatic to have a magic student of her own. Not only was Entropy kind, but he completely understood and even shared her love of learning. An entire month working alongside him was a dream come true. But when admiration turns into something else, she may be unprepared for the consequences. Discord despises the thought of an entire month as a pony. No chaos magic, and he has to keep his true identity a secret. Stuck with the insufferable know it all Twilight Sparkle was a fate worse than death. Or was it? As time passes, the once tiresome mare had become almost pleasant to be around. Could he actually be falling for her? Okay, so I like this. Everything is falling into place. The art seems applicable to the synopsis, the synopsis works with the title, and the tags seem applicable. I think the only criticism I could say would be 'colour the art in', but it's still pretty good as it is. I think we've got ourselves a good ol' fashioned targeted-fic here. The first impression is telling me this: Do you like slice of life Romance? If so, this is the fic for you. Always good to see a targeted fic that knows what it's doing. Plot Honestly? I don't need to explain this to you. The synopsis does it eloquently enough. Another good sign. That's... pretty much it, too. The prologue and first chapter sets up the whole 'bet with Celestia' concept that's the reason for Discord becoming a pony in the first place. After that, it's the journey from 'Bet with Celestia' to 'Romance', with, from what I can tell, lots of little bits connecting the dots being the main meat of the fic. Quite a traditional, up-front style of storytelling, and I think it works well here. Mechanics Grammar:All good stuff. It was very clear, and easy to read through. A very minor spelling mistake once per couple of chapters, maybe. It's been proofread very well. Dialogue: This is the strongpoint of the fic, and the thing it focuses most on. The interactions between Twilight and Entropy are solid, and they do convey the 'teacher-student' relationship that the fic is going for. The whole story seems to also be about the character development between the two, and I'd say from what I've read that it's orchestrated well. (I liked the Limerick War, btw) I'd say there are some conversations that don't seem to be necessary, but then again... this is slice of life, that's what happens. More on that where I talk about the story's pacing. Worldbuilding: There's some hints at Discord's past, and I liked the way they were presented. Probably also why the fic is 'AU', if I would hazard a guess. The majority of the fic (at the start, anyway) seems to be based in present day, though, so it seems to be quite light on this (Note that I could be completely wrong later on). Pacing: So, here's why I read relatively little of what I seem to be considering a pretty good fic. Well, for two reasons, actually. Firstly, the pacing is quite slow for me, but why is that?.. Well, it's because it's a romance slice-of-life fic. And y'know what? Good for the author. If this wasn't slowly paced, then it probably wouldn't fit the genre. Romance slice of life, from my understanding, should be about slowly learning the connections and understanding the feelings of the two characters. Adding a couple elements in every now and then, see how the characters react to them. This is the feeling I get from reading the first 4 chapters, and a bit at the end. This is done in this fic, and that's why I like it. Not that I actually like the genre myself, but because I like that the author has stuck to her guns, and targeted this fic to the right audience. PoV: It's told from alternating viewpoints in 3rd person. Sometimes it's Twilight, other times it's Discord. You learn a lot about how they feel about one another , at first (Discord) being rather hostile, for having to spend 30 days as a pony, for instance. Impact: At this point, I think the impact is quite clear from me. This story applies to people who like this genre, who like reading long, slowly-getting-romantic books about a tutor and a student. There aren't any bits that shout out, no cool action scenes, 'cuz guess what? That isn't what this story is about. Conclusion Not my cup of tea, but I'm sure there's a lot of people who like this genre. Constructive criticisms are... at a low here. Why? I'm not very experienced in this genre. The overall mechanics are good though, so from what I can tell, it'll be worth reading if you are the target audience. Scores: Plot: Very clear and easy to understand. If you like it, go for it. 15/20 Mechanics: Slow, but it's slow for character development. This seems to have been fine-tuned for the fic. 17/20 Characterisation: A strongpoint of the fic. 18/20 Originality: I didn't mention this, but... I think this is pretty original! A very simple premise, which becomes a lot more as the story progresses. I'm personally a fan of those. 17/20 Impact: This is for Romance Slice-of-Life lovers. I don't really know how to rate it, as for my own bias I'd rate it poorly, and it'd be pretty high for someone else. I'll leave it for now. Final Score: 67/80 *Recommended. It's good, but I'm too stupid to understand it* (As a note, I think I'll try to stay away from the Slice of Lifes a bit. It's gotten hard to rate them properly, as you can tell) Not so Pinkie-pieSeveral days ago... Well, that's another review done! Let's check the ol' submission list, shall we? Hmm... that's quite a lot of words. I suppose I should pick based on what really speaks out to me, what I feel would most accurately create a dynami- HA, yoink! Linkedy Link: I mean, she's not really Pink-ie Pie by 8542Madness First Impressions Synopsis: Pinkie wakes up in the basement of the bakery one morning to discover that her pink coat is now completely white. This realization rocks the foundations of her entire world, causing her to go a journey of self-experience to learn more about who she really is. Or not. ^A solid way to start a comedy fic. It doesn't deviate too much from the path of other writers I've seen before, but the whole 'silly exaggeration into a <2000 word comedy fic' shtick is used because it works. Pic is relevant. Next! Tags. Comedy and Slice of Life. Yes, I did say specifically that I wasn't going to do Slice of Life last review, No, I didn't remember until just now, honest. Now from my understanding, when you're doing a small one-shot like this is, you want to have one point that your story revolves around. This is because, well.. you can't really fit anything else in, right? Now, since this is tagged comedy, and the synopsis is comedically exaggerated, I'd expect the story to revolve around that aspect more strongly than the other tag. And it does... kind of? More on this later. Plot *Looks at synopsis again* her pink coat is now completely white This realization rocks the foundations of her entire world Well, that was easy. And yes, this is an everyone-rated fic. Don't think so dirty. Mechanics Grammar: I don't remember seeing any mistakes. All good here! Dialogue: For the majority of the time, Pinkie is by herself. All Dialogue is internal, so we only really need to judge how Pinkie sounds in this fic in relation to the show. And does the author pull it off? Kinda. I wasn't thrilled by the crazy exaggerations of the synopsis, but she does go down some pretty unnatural thinking-routes. I suppose it depends on how she says it, and I couldn't judge that based on the text alone; italics weren't used for emphasis, rather just being used for her thoughts. In my opinion, I'd say it'd make more sense if she talked out loud, and that'd make showing the emphasis a lot easier. Plus, it makes her sound crazier, and she's crazy ol' Pinkie, right? The dialogue's interpretation of Pinkie isn't amazing here, but the overall message is brought to the reader. Worldbuilding: She's in a basement. Next! Pacing: Like I said, it does get the point across. This pretty much feeds into impact, and since I think that subtitle looks cooler anyway: Impact: Here's the only other issue I really had with the fic. When the joke happened, I was like, "Ah hah! That was sort of funny." As the author themselves say, if it makes you chuckle, the story serves its purpose. And then it goes on for another 300 words. For the author's reference, it's at "Pinkie, I don’t… nevermind. I’m not even going to try." that I thought it should have ended. That's a funny line! It's very slice-of-lifey, and makes the humour from before fall flat. If this is primarily a comedy fic, then it should really have ended on the punchline, and that's the same for most, if not all very short comedy one-shots. Conclusion However! If you were going for a slice of life fic... then I'd say you did a pretty good job. You showed an instance from these ponies lives, you gave a bit of background later on, and the background wasn't boring. If this was a slice of life fic, I'd say it would be paced pretty well! The only problem is that synopsis, and the comedy tag! When you do one-shot comedy fics, you tend to just do the comedy-bit. The comedy tag + synopsis here sets up an expectation that isn't entirely filled. If I felt this was going straight down the Slice of Life road, with a little joke at the start, then the last bit of the story would make a lot of sense. So, regardless of the relatively high scores that I may give you... this fic needs work, just a tiny bit of work. Delete the 300 words, and I'd suggest making Pinkie's lines a bit more exaggerated, and I'd give it a 'recommended' for that. Or, change the synopsis + tags to something more fitting of a slice-of-life. After that, I'd put it in 'recommended' as a slice of life. It's a weird case, to be sure, but no less enjoyable. Scores: Plot: There isn't a lot you can fit in 1600 words, but I did like the concept. 15/20 Mechanics: The strongpoint of the fic. 17/20 Characterisation: With some added crazy, Pinkie's lines could be a lot funnier. 13/20 Originality: The fic's set up like a lot of authors have done previously, even if the plot seems to be different from the rest. 12/20 Impact: Is it a slice of life, or comedy? Work this out, and this'll be a lot easier to score. 10/20 Final Score: 67/100 *Needs Work* (For the reasons I described above)
Little Pink pony princess or whatever...Why? That's what I'm asking, and I'm sure it's what the author is, too. More on that later. Linkedy Link: A Game of Kings and *phew* Very Long Titles by Lost_Marbles *NOTE: As of now, I have read to chapter five of the fic. I believe that's enough for me to make my decision on this. *NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: The fic's pic has been changed, issues addressing the fic's pic in this review may as well be non-existent So, before we get into the review-proper. I admit, there's a reason I took this fic up in particular for my first review here. It's because, well... the guy's been promoting himself so much! As I'm sure at least a couple of you have noticed, many many threads have been devoted to the author's promotional cartoons, adverts to his chapters on shameless-self-promotion, and, well, I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. He clearly puts a lot of work into his promotions, doing not only drawings but animations, too, and that's gotta count for something, right? Let's check it out. First Impressions The Synopsis: Rodents of unusual size have made their home in the Castle of the Two Sisters and have caused panic in Ponyville. Should Twilight call an exterminator? Follow Hauteclaire, the Mouse King's bard and punching bag, as he puts up with his bizarre, sadistic, and diminutive King; Porthos, a drunk the size of a carriage; Marcus, his know-it-all and hack poet brother; Godiva, a violent pony-fanatic; Knebryter, a pony head on a stick; nosy ponies, friendship, bad jokes, and pretty much everything else that pisses him off. This is how the fic sells itself, and... well, it's a bit split, isn't it? One paragraph makes me assume that we're following Twilight in whether she should exterminate these 'rodents of unusual size', and the other talks about this Hauteclaire bloke. You should really go one way or the other in my opinion, so as not to lead the reader astray. I can tell you this, though; the fic certainly goes down the 'follow Hauteclaire route' as soon as we get through the prologue. Twilight... doesn't seem to have much of a say in things. So, tags. Are they applicable? Of course they're applicable! Well, I believe they are at this point. I haven't seen any reason for the 'sex' tag as of yet aside from some rather crude (but funny 'cuz crude) conversations, and honestly, that might just be it. The 'teen' tag here is actually very applicable in this fic. The author clearly wanted to portray a middling between extremes of PC and outright mature themes, and they seem to have hit that metaphorical nail on the head. There's nothing that really stands out as 'ew, that seems really strange for this tag-system' in the fic so far as I've seen, and I'm liking that. So, before I wander off into 'fic mechanics' territory... I want to address this prologue-bit. That's part of the 'first impressions', after all. The prologue... is not my favourite bit. And I can explain why. So, in order to be as un-spoilery as possible... the majority of the fic is in Hauteclaire, one of the rodent's POV, while the prologue is in the pony's POV. The prologue appears to be the most weakest point in this story, with weaker sentence formatting (a distinct lack of commas in some places), some weird conclusions made by the ponies, and... it's overall much more boring than the rest of the fic. Which is such a damn shame! Pinkie stared off into space before chortling. “Hehe! That is funny!” ^I mean, c'mon, bae, you've gotta accent her a bit! There's also some very long non-English parts, which, well... we won't go into them anymore. The major thing, the most important reason making the rest of the story much more interesting by comparison, is that the main character Hauteclaire is essentially narrating the story, or at least his thoughts are, in the rest of the fic. This doesn't happen in the prologue, and thus it suffers heavily as a result. But as the prologue is the only thing we're given at the start... it sets the fic off to a bad impression for me. Mechanics Moving on, because I'd hate to talk about the fic's cons primarily in this review. Grammar: Good throughout. Not great, mind... there's a few hiccups here and there: No. It’s something we must do if we are EVER go back.” And they are capable of teleportation, too. Did Godiva lie about their magical powers,too? But it's mostly pretty solid. The issues are very minor, and they're negated by the rest of it being of good quality. Dialogue: At the start of the fic, this is the strongest point. Sure, no pony with an accent is accented (and this continues pretty much throughout the fic, with a bit of an exception for AJ on the occasion), and some of the prologue stuff in general is a bit... weird, to say the least. But we don't care about the prologue anymore. We care about the mice, who constantly rattle off each other and argue and bicker and YES! Oh, yeah. The main characters in the fic, the ones who count, have great conversations. I love 'em. Going into that, we have to talk about characterisation. This is the fic's entire strong point. We've got some mice, who are all very different from one another in distinct ways. Personally, I found them all likeable in their strange, argumentative ways, and how they all seem to work together despite them. Worldbuilding: The world we're given, that being Ponyville and a floating castle, is done well. The world we're not shown is also pretty interesting. At the start, this 'game' business that the story talks about for far too long gets a bit irritating (in the 'Stop talking about something I have no idea about!' sort of way), but thankfully it's a short piece. The world where the rodents come from is given to us respectfully piecemeal, and it's a pleasure knowing a bit about it every now and then after we've known the characters we (or at least, I'm) so fond of. Pacing: Never too fast, but slow at times. I found a couple instances of conversations which I wasn't interested in the slightest, but they really only happened with the support characters. The main characters, on the other hand, are very interesting, and the pacing does well to make sure they're given just enough time to fill out their antics before moving onto the next scene. Point of View: As said before, it's told in one of the rodent's POV's for the most part, and by God is it done well. The POV is of the most sarcastic rat you'd ever known, and everything he says (aside from his singing. It's K (sorry!)) is great. I loved reading his slant on everything, it really adds the depth you need. The Show/Tell law is upheld and hasn't been a problem for me since... well, since the prologue. In fact, I believe in one of the later chapters I noted that a tell-version of the prologue, as it is shown, is much better than that whole prologue to begin with. It would add another layer of mystique by asking the question, "What really did happen to those characters at the point before this story starts?", in my opinion. Character Development So, while there hasn't been too much character development so far as I've gotten, and I'm sure there's going to be, well... there's one thing that irks me in this department. It's to do with the characters. I'll put it in spoilers. Throughout the fic, the rodents appear to be able to use magic. Some very strong magic. They can warp things out of dust, teleport things out of nowhere... so why do they need to be friends with the ponies at all, nor steal from them, either? Maybe it's a part of 'the game', but... it just irks me the wrong way. They just seem too powerful, being able to solve pretty much everything with magic, if they needed to. And yes, that coming from the person who watched MLP wherein magic is used frequently and rather overpowered-ly... but to be honest, I don't like that either. I like some restraints to keep my characters interesting. Hell, if these rodents didn't find it in their hearts to help anyone... this'd probably be a pretty dull story. They could overpower them easy, and at the start, that appeared to be what they were going to do. Originality When's the last time you heard about magic rodents, riding a levitating castle into Ponyville? Okay, so that's a bit oversighted of me. Sure, there's been fics where original characters, not of pony-kind, go into Ponyville and help with some grand plot. But as far as I can tell... these rodents aren't part of some 'grand plot', not yet. In fact, most of the problems caused are by themselves, and the interesting divides in personality between the rodents are what keeps the story going strong. I like it. I think nothing is inherently 'original', but if there was a scale between original or not, this'd be pretty high up. Impact As I've said with the prologue, the first impression is weak. After that, it's all way more interesting, and it's why I wish the prologue wasn't there in the first place. The fic asks questions, almost all revolving around the rodents. Admittedly I don't care about the mane 6 at this point... I care a lot more about these new visitors, how they got here, why they got here, and what they're going to do. I want to know more about them, because I'm damned sure there's a lot more to flesh out. The fic makes me want to read the rest of it, if only to see if it keeps up in quality. Once you get past the beginning, I'd give it a high-ish score. Conclusion So, here's what I think about it. Would I recommend it? Yes. It's bursting with character. The ongoing plot could go anywhere, and I don't like that usually... but it really appears here that the author has put some solid work into it. It looks like it's going in a direction that the author knows. There's a few things that bother me, sure, but the overall feel is one of positivity. There's an air of professionalism that you don't often receive. So... back to the question at the start of this. 'Why? Why does this have so few views, when it's clearly had so much work put into it?' I've honestly seen far greater view counts for far, far less. I'm kind of surprised that not many people have taken onto it, but that said... maybe it is the first impression? I can't say it's all the reason, but that's what I've come up with. The synopsis is split in two (There's no reference to Twilight and an exterminator inside the fic, far as I can see). The prologue is... meh. And I don't like to criticise your art, since I love the animations and the fun little characters in every chapter, but... maybe there's a bit too much going on in the cover? Try making it simpler; think Game of Thrones, for instance! Hundreds of thousands of words, and yet, the cover art to the first book is as simple as a few mountains. (Or a bronze-looking dragon.) The promotions, too. Lay off 'em a bit, as you can't force someone to read what you've got. The only way you can do it is through persuasion, really, and how do you do that...? ...Well, getting positive reviews, for one. I hope this has helped, and I can assure you that this'll be one of the fics I'll certainly read further in my own time. Scores: Plot: Not entirely certain, but nothing comes out as majorly 'wrong'. 13/20. Mechanics: As I said, I think it's pretty good. Could run through a proofreader or two a couple more times for earlier passages. 16/20. Characterisation: It's hard to make a new group of characters funny. You've done great at it. 20/20. Originality: I'm learning new things as I go along. It's pretty out there. 16/20. Impact: Some problematic early issues that really stifle the introduction, to this otherwise pretty humorous story. Skip the prologue! 12/20. Final score: 77/100 *Recommended* (*P.S: This is my first review, so I'm still working out the point system. That said, when I read this, I was thinking 'High seventies', and that's what it turned out as. Yey me, I guess? )
Dawn of a New DayAssassins Creed, anyone? More on that seemingly-unrelated topic later. Linkedy Link: The Dawn of a New Revie... uh, day by The Eternal Emperor *NOTE: This Review is based off my reading the first 5 chapters, and skimming over about 7 more. First Impressions The synopsis: How did this happen? Humble Pie thought the sentance over and over again as blood dripped from the blade, making a small puddle on the floor. This was just to be a vacation with his niece, but now it's the beginning of something else. Multiple contradictions in the very first impression aren't a great way to start: First off, 'sentence'. Grammar is very important in the synopsis, and you must check it at least 3 times to make sure it's golden. The title is 'Dawn of a New Day', and the picture seems to go with that, showing Twilight. Then we go to the synopsis, and we're talking about... 'Humble Pie'? Is this fic about Humble, or is it about Twilight? Well, looking at the tags... Twilight isn't there. Regardless of your cover-art making qualities, getting access to one which is relevant should always be important. The other couple major confusions I found reading over it is with the synopsis and the other tags... let's check them out. 'Sex', 'Romance', 'Crossover', 'AU'.... Crossover with what? When you're crossing something over, you should always say what you're crossing over so the people who know it can be interested in your fic right off the bat. You can get a good audience with known crossovers, trust me on that one. Finally, the synopsis clearly says something about moider most foul. When you reference murder, and don't have a dark tag, then you're usually getting something wrong. This isn't a comedy fic where we're murdering the pickle-jar, this is described and presented as a serious thing. The same can be said about having 'romance' and all that in a fic without referencing it in the synopsis. *Phew*... sorry about that. There's some other minor issues, but we'll leave it there for now. The important thing is that you understand why these issues were issues, and fix them so that your readers understand what they're getting into. Another thing you'll be seeing from first impressions is quotes that sort of make sense in the first couple chapters, but slowly start to degrade... eventually, they stop all together. But from my opinion that's good, with such classics as these: "Chuga, chuga, chuga, vroom, vroom!" A train. "Tick tock"-unkown ^I wasn't sure if I was getting played for reading the fic, or if this was meant to be funny. Certainly don't add quotes for no reason at the start of chapters. They're a nuisance, not great for foreshadowing, and certainly don't add anything with pointless ones such as these. Mechanics Grammar: 90% good/OK. The sentence structure + format is what really needs attention. The fic certainly needed a few more looks through with a proof-reader or two: "For Celestia's sake!" grumbled the stallion in a funny accent that sounded like what a pony from Trottingham would sound like if they ate pebbles . "How could you forget!” While it was for the most part grammatically sound, I would never say that it was particularly strong. There was nothing that came out at me as, 'wow, that's really good!' It was all rather 'OK'. Dialogue: Well, there's a lot of it, that's for sure. The majority of dialogue in this fic is one-liners. That being, a single sentence being said to someone, who then says a single sentence back, and so on. Par example: “Morning Humble, oh Time Turner,” said Carrot. “I forgot you were coming today.” “Well I would have come later but-” “Awww, babies!” said Dinky fawning over the giggling twins. “And what are you doing here Dinky?” said Cup Cake ruffling Dinky’s hair. “Well I promised Derpy-” “The doctor told mommy that he would take me to see A.K Yearling!” said Dinky hopping around. “What she said.” “And Humble why are you so dressed fancy?” said Carrot as Humble adjusted his tie. “Same reason as this little filly,” said Humble patting Dinky on her helmet. “To meet Miss Yearling.” “Well Mister, uhh,” said Time Turner. “Humble Pie, uncle of Pinkie Pie,” said Humble putting out a hoof. “But please call me Humble.” You get the picture. But remember this quote. It's important, I tell you. Worldbuilding: Assassins Creed Syndrome. That's what I'm coining it. Essentially, large portions of your story are told through flashbacks, except that the flashbacks don't really correlate with the present too much. For the most part, you the flashback world is more interesting. In fact, you'd much rather the story be told entirely in the past than with all these flashbacks. This is definitely present for the first few chapters. I soon realised that the majority of these flashbacks weren't actually telling anything of note to this story, or when that damn murder-thing was going to happen. Other than that, it's pretty much just Ponyville... I think. I'm not sure, there was a lot of talking, and not a lot of 'Oh, we're here! Let's explain this area now.' There's a bit of worldbuilding at the start, and there IS a train described at the start (not in the same chapter as that quote, tho), but it seems to run off somewhere else later. Finally, there seem to be some more sinister things happening in the background, and therefore the 'dark' tag would be useful. Pacing: This is best done at the start. There's some ponies trying to get this writer! Hmm, interesting, why? Suspense, as they try to get in closer. Afterwards, though? Slow. Much too slow. You know that quote with the 1 liners? That's how the majority of this fic is set as. Lots of somewhat pointless talking, and never really getting back to the whole synopsis-suspense thing of, 'Murderer'! Well, there's talking, then there's this that I found a bit later: “A disaster at Bargain Baryard today,” said Stale reading the paper. “As a series of explosions caused the crowd gathering to see famous author of the Daring Do series, A.K. Yearling went wrong with panic and stampeding injuring dozens of fans. A citizen named Doctor Time Turner was severely injured at the start of the chaos.” Eyewitness statement was what Stale read next. “I heard a loud pop and the next thing I heard this guy shouting out in pain,” said bystander Noodle Bowl. Mister Turner’s exact medical condition is unknown at this point due to doctors and nurses refusing to speak to us. An eyewitness who is anonymous has described the suspects of the chaos as two stallions with one being a one eyed yellow unicorn with a target shaped cutie mark and the other a chestnut coated earth pony with a scar on his muzzle with a thick Trottingham accent along with a bat shaped cutie mark. If anypony knows anything about these two dangerous criminals who have foalnapped notable author Humble Pie, writer of Ice Barrels and The adventures of Con Colt, and uncle to the element of laughter Pinkamena Diane Pie, please contact the local authorities,” said Stale finishing the paper. “Huh.” ...I hope you didn't read through all that. Never, ever tell your story like this. A massive block of exposition text is not fun. Point of View: A bit of a switch at the start, but for the most part it's 3rd person Humble-Pie following as he meets and greets everyone in Ponyville. Show and Tell: In reverse for the majority of the story. I think this is the part that is really the most major issue here. You must learn when to show, and when to tell. To know this, you must first know what your story is trying to present. What's the main plot? Is it about dagger-murdering something or other? Ok! In that case, you don't need to have about 3 or so 7K word chapters about showing Humble meet literally everypony in Ponyville. It's just not required, and is very off-putting to what should be the main plot. You want to be showing all the stuff later, which is much more important to the plot. If this rule was addressed properly, the fic would be about 1/10th of the size. I'll skip to the conclusion at this point, as I feel I've said my piece. Conclusion Honestly? The premise isn't bad, if not confusing at first. There seems to be two ponies trying to capture this one writer dude. Want to know why? Find out in this story! The thing is, it shouldn't be anywhere near this long-drawn out. Along with AC Syndrome, the actual 'plot' of the story becomes lost between flashbacks and greeting the residents of Ponyville. Try to give us a good, strong plot, make it interesting, and stay focused on that in later attempts. That'll be what gives you a better story in the future. Also, always remember that proofreaders are abundant and plentiful right now. Go find three or so good un's willing to help you, and you're set for some learning experience and good writing-times. (As for scores, I won't post them unless you directly message through this thread/otherwise that you want me to. This isn't Blunt Reviews, after all) *Needs Work*
Ice CrystalsRomance-fic time! Let's check it out. Linkedy Link: Ice Crystals by The DJ Rainbow Dash First Impressions The Synopsis: In a small hiccup of insensitivity, Rarity finds out a secret Rainbow Dash hid from everypony she knew, and does so in a way she regrets. To fix her mistake involves a trade, a fear for a fear. Rainbow Dash decides to tackle one of these by taking her to a place where few ponies ever go. To get to that place, they're going to go up. Ooh. Fear trade? I like the sound of that. I'd also like to know what this 'secret' about RD is. To be honest, I quite like the synopsis! I think the only thing that seems a bit off is the cover art. It seems to depict a rather warm, happy time, while the synopsis is talking about "THE FEAR TRADE". I mean, they can both work in romance, but in a 7.2K fic, we're probably only going to see one of them in action. Other than that, with a skim read, you can tell that the fic has been paragraphed properly, and is rather easy to read. Which is good, since the first chapter is certainly one of those 'you might get lost' kind of chapters. Mechanics Grammar: Solid. I didn't notice anything out of place, so that's always a good sign. I think that the way the two chapters are portrayed is very different from one another from a prose stance, though; the first chapter is much more slower, and detailed on smaller things, while the second one gets moving with some more momentum. Dialogue: Very thin on the first chapter (but then again, Rarity is by herself.) I'd say that Rarity sounded a 'bit' out of ordinary in the first chapter, with lines like this: “Generosity be damned. Couldn’t I be generous in a more subdued way?” But you have to remember that she's alone, and therefore, she'd probably talk differently by herself. In the second paragraph, I'd say that RD acts a bit blunt and stubborn in the way she talks, too, being more evidence why the fic seems to approach the relationship here as a bit less 'warmer' than the cover art appears to show it. Worldbuilding: Not really too much here. There's a bit of recounting in the first chapter, as it's primarily about something that has been done, and is not happening right now, but that's about it. Rarity reacts to it in the present, and is apparently quite upset about it all. This makes for a rather sombre-feeling to the first chapter. Pacing: Eh.. The first chapter is a bit slow, and pretty much describes the situation for a couple thousand words. I'd say that it certainly gets more readable in the second chapter, though. The fic seems to be set up as chapter one being the premise, and context which is given to the second chapter's 'payoff', ending the story suitably. Point of View: It's all from Rarity's perspective, and thoughts, 3rd person. Show and Tell: We're given an interesting merge of this in the first chapter, with Rarity remembering the events that happened before in a 'I'm such a fool' kinda-way, as well as her doing things such as flipping through pages, flipping over onto her belly into despair... The second chapter is pretty much all show aside from the ending-payoff, which I kind of liked. A lot of talking, sure, but it does it's job well. Character Development Good in some parts, a bit sketchy in others. Explanation: Rarity clearly feels she's in the wrong at the start, and ends up deciding she'll make things right with a visit after pondering over the answer. There's a really nice end to the first chapter with: She was going to fix this, no matter what it took. But on the second chapter, there's this one bit a felt.. a bit confused about. RD basically acts very blunt to Rarity, and Rarity acts passive in response, despite her vow in the first chapter. She gets over it in the end, becoming quite strong with what she's saying, but it takes a while. Also, on the RD front... well, she barely changes her position at all. She's a bit like a wall, and can only be nudged very slightly after the whole 'payoff' at the end. You'd expect her to be a bit more lenient to her friend, but I think it still worked as it is. Perhaps the thing Rarity has worked her up about really hits her hard? It seems a bit unbelievable, to be honest, but maybe we're missing some context. In which case, it'd be good to clear us up on that. Originality As other people have said, the premise, a 'fear trade', is rather original. While this may be true, however... I thought the story played out a bit too predictable. I knew what was going to happen in the second chapter before I read it, what with the cliff-hanger ending on the first chapter. Admittedly, I didn't think RD would be so wall-like as described before, but she pretty much played it out as was expected regardless. Now, while that predictability wasn't necessarily bad, as the ending was satisfying in itself... something that surprised me could've done this 'originality' field a great service. It kind of reminded me of 'The Imitation Game', a movie I watched recently. Interesting idea, predictably played out... but still enjoyable. Impact and Conclusion Yeah, I liked it. That's what I got from this fic. I felt like I enjoyed it. The two chapters work well together to portray a relationship between two pones. If there's anything I'd have liked to have changed, it would be a bit more of an explanation as to why RD was as mad as she was portrayed in the first chapter, and some way to tie together the whole, 'I destroyed your couch n'stuff, now gimme forgiveness' which seemed a bit off. There's a pretty cool payoff at the end, and it's set together with a moral. All in all, it's a quaint little fic, and did enough to charm me. Would I recommend it? For the story itself, I'd say you might be able to get better elsewhere, but for that dynamic switch between the two chapters, and the whole premise of a 'fear trade' in itself which is quite present, I'd say it's worth it. Scores: Plot: Predictable, though I did like the reflection in the first chapter. 12/20 Mechanics: A bit slow, and a bit confusing at the start, but it gets faster on the second chapter. Nothing 'stands out' as bad, nor amazing, but it's pretty good. 15/20 Characterisation: Sketchy here and there, but there's a couple of scenes that I really liked. 12/20 Originality: Interesting idea, predictable but still enjoyable format. 13/20 Impact: Yeah, I liked it. While the start is a bit slow, the impact of the two chapters together is worth a bit of reading. 14/20 Final Score: 66/100 *Recommended*
One Horn too ManyMature-fic Saturday! What, you think that'll actually be a thing? Pff, don't be so silly. Linkedy Link: Horns for Days by WiseFireCracker As an aside, this fic isn't finished, though I've read as far as I can at the moment. That's like, 8, 9 chapters, 50K or so words? That's a lot, bae. More than enough to do a review of it. First Impressions Synopsis: Two horns. That’s all it took. One too many, and then, you’re nothing but a tool, a means to an end. Oh, gently, it’s not your fault you were born like this. But you must help, you must contribute to the survival of the species. Pick your poison - we mean choice, of course -. We will protect you. Even if you were not born a bicorn. In the end, you are too frail and too few to be anything other than sheltered and belittled. You’re precious. Uhh.... you wot, mate? I mean, we're talking about bicorns here. That's all the synopsis says. I'd appreciate some kind of explanation as to what the story contents are, but... maybe this is it? After all, the picture given, as well as the tags, and this description combined, make for a quite 'dark' setting. I'm guessing jail cells, bloody fights, horrible atrocities on an innocent race... or something like that. Your typical mature-dark fic, but with a new race! Then again... when we look at the tags, we can see that blood, or at least a lot of gore, isn't applicable. In fact, the tags we get are 'Mature', of course, 'Dark', 'AU', 'Human', and... 'Slice of Life'? Is this some kind of dark story based in a jail cell, where we see a slice of life in the depths of criminality, or something? What have we gotten ourselves into? Plot That's a question which isn't easily answered, until we find out the gist of the story about 3 chapters in. Essentially, the outward appearance is somewhat misleading. In fact, quite so. The main factor here is certainly Slice of Life, as the characters act like any normal HiE-turned pony... appear in the middle of a forest, try to find Twilight, try to get back to their own world. That's the main premise. It starts out pretty strong, I think. The two protagonists seem to be in a world where 'bicorns', which is what they are, are treated differently. Strange... could this be some evil plot, a harnessing of their rare power? However... it's not as dark or mature as it looks. In fact, the characters are more dark/mature than the world they've entered! They go around, get hired a place by Twilight, go shopping for clothes and so on... meanwhile, no real threat occurs. They argue a bit, get told they're given marefriends, and argue a bit more for arguing's sake. There's something towards the end about them being oracles, but there's no plot to capture them or anything, as far as I see. In fact, the other ponies act pretty nice to them. 'What happens after all that'? You may ask? Well... I've summed up the first 9 or so chapters. Slice of Life, ladies and gentlemen. In the end, it's rather less exciting than it should be, and I feel there were some missed opportunities to really use that premise to its utmost. Mechanics Grammar: 99% good. All it really needs is a proofreader or two to flush out one or two problems like these: “A treasure with a secret compartment it looks like.” “Yeah, I agree. So, how are you holding up then, mate?” The englishmen huffed. Minor problems here and there, but nothing that really breaks immersion, in my opinion. Dialogue: It's... okay. A major problem I have is not what is being said, but how much it IS being said. Arguments between the two main characters are usually lengthy, and happen often. Frankly, it lengthens the fic on for way too long than it should be, and should have been told instead of shown to begin with. Most of the dialogue doesn't add anything to the story. I'd also comment that as an English person, I had no idea what accent was being portrayed by the English person, or 'Brit'. He says 'salutations', and this sort of thing: “Oh no, you didn’t! I’ll have you know that I’m not one of your country’s hellish spawn!” When he's typing, and when he's talking up-front, it's even more confusing: “So, what you are saying, lass, is we’re magical goat ponies?” “Hey wanka, have you ever had a ct scan? You need one, mate.” Is he a 50-year old man who addresses people as 'lass' and 'lad' all the time, or is he a 20-year old from London say 'you wanker', and 'you need one, mate'? (Admittedly, I doubt a lot of you will understand where I'm coming from here, but it's basically like this: No young person would say 'lass' or 'lad' to people they didn't know in England, except perhaps the... Scots? It also mentions he's in Winchester, which is right down the South. Think a man born and raised in Canada who wears a Stetson out in public, and speaks like a Texan). Regardless of that, the dialogue is used way too much between the two protagonists, and makes a lot of the story easily skippable without missing any of the... well, the story. Worldbuilding: There's a rare species called bicorns, who are apparently oracles. They also live in large herds, and therefore the two protagonist-bronies have to marry a ton of mares or something. That's about it. Pacing: It's too slow, man. When you set up your story to be dark and mysterious with that cover art + the generally pretty dark-fic style tags, you'd expect there to be a darkfic. But as far as I can see, no major problems have occurred. It's literally just a couple of blokes living privileged lives in Equestria. We need a threat, or a major obstacle, in order for it to be a story. Maybe this is just me, but I'm not a fan of slice of life stories where nothing interesting happens. Oh, you go on a date? Cool. You go to the pub? Great. Where's the point that makes this worth reading? I could do it myself and write a story about it, if I wanted to. When I'm reading stories, though, I'd rather have some bigger, more dramatic story arcs though. While I don't this fic is entirely in the 'this is literally just slice of life' style, it's much more close to that than anything else. PoV: The narrator seems to take on a 'all encompassing view' at times, so I wouldn't say it's fixed on those two. Probably a better way to deal with it when you're writing for two main protagonists, but I'm personally in the 'I want to have suspense, not knowing what the other pony is feeling' camp myself. Show and Tell: Like I've said earlier, there's a lot of areas where telling might have made the pacing a lot better. I don't remember any bad cases of tell. Impact: The start, and that mysterious idea of where the story is going to go, is quite good. How it turns out is not-so-good. I did like the mini-prologue stories, though, and thought their story was pretty interesting. The whole 'unicorn's eyes flashing' and stuff later was a rather impactful image. Character Development The... two characters are humans. One is French, the other is British. The French person occasionally speaks French. He is the 'level-headed' person, or so I understand. The British person is usually rude, for... no particular reason. Like, he just gets in ponies faces for no reason... Would you do that, if you were in a world you presumed was fake, and you'd been watching this world for presumably years? I think an important point is to always understand where your characters are coming from, so you can write how they come to their actions and conclusions. This could be a way to improve it. They're both bronies, yet... they don't really act like it's much of an 'amazing' world to be in. They argue a lot, and, I mean... one mentions clopping at one point? There's crude humour where I'd rather have seen story progression, to be honest. In general, I didn't feel very attached with either character, aside from at the start of each chapter. There's this sort of prologue-story, wherein the character's past, and how they got to Equestria, is explained. Sure, there's even more arguing... but at the end, there's some sort of story, some sort of goal, and how they react to it. I actually read the start of all the final chapters before reading the main stuff, since it seemed to be going somewhere a lot quicker than all the 'goes to pub, goes to date' stuff. Conclusion: It wasn't my cup of tea. Perhaps it is somebody's, though. After all, I pretty much am rating this story for what it's advertised as; a mature, dark, human in equestria sort of deal, wherein these bicorns are meant to be persecuted. What I get is these bicorns being overly privileged with their own homes, friendly assistance around Ponyville, dates with mares who were arranged to foster their...children? If anything, the 'dark' 'mature' bit is on the mare's side of the story, on how they got into that horrible position. There's no real conflict, and I don't really understand why it's marked as mature or dark from this point of view. Maybe the story will relate to those points later, but for now, it's more of a teen-slice of life with a bit of dodgy romance. I'm sure people do like that sort of thing, and that's why it's quite highly rated. I'm just not the audience for it, y'know? But even as a teen slice-of-life, I do feel that there's a bit too much time-wasting with all the arguments, and rambling-talk between the two protagonists. If there was a bit more tell, and a bit less show, this could half the size of the fic, while still keeping all relevant information. I do hope that the story develops as it continues to progress, though, as I'd like to see that cover art and mature-theme come out at the end. It could just be a very slow setup, into a much more interesting story. But as for now... it *needs work*. I didn't feel like I gained a significant story out of it, and felt like a lot of it simply wasn't compelling.
This Cruel and Random worldTwicord. Linkedy Link: This Cruel and Random World by Bluegrass Brooke *Note: I have read the first 4 chapters, and skimmed through some other chapters later, as well as a bit at the end. First Impressions: Synopsis: Twilight could not have been more ecstatic to have a magic student of her own. Not only was Entropy kind, but he completely understood and even shared her love of learning. An entire month working alongside him was a dream come true. But when admiration turns into something else, she may be unprepared for the consequences. Discord despises the thought of an entire month as a pony. No chaos magic, and he has to keep his true identity a secret. Stuck with the insufferable know it all Twilight Sparkle was a fate worse than death. Or was it? As time passes, the once tiresome mare had become almost pleasant to be around. Could he actually be falling for her? Okay, so I like this. Everything is falling into place. The art seems applicable to the synopsis, the synopsis works with the title, and the tags seem applicable. I think the only criticism I could say would be 'colour the art in', but it's still pretty good as it is. I think we've got ourselves a good ol' fashioned targeted-fic here. The first impression is telling me this: Do you like slice of life Romance? If so, this is the fic for you. Always good to see a targeted fic that knows what it's doing. Plot Honestly? I don't need to explain this to you. The synopsis does it eloquently enough. Another good sign. That's... pretty much it, too. The prologue and first chapter sets up the whole 'bet with Celestia' concept that's the reason for Discord becoming a pony in the first place. After that, it's the journey from 'Bet with Celestia' to 'Romance', with, from what I can tell, lots of little bits connecting the dots being the main meat of the fic. Quite a traditional, up-front style of storytelling, and I think it works well here. Mechanics Grammar:All good stuff. It was very clear, and easy to read through. A very minor spelling mistake once per couple of chapters, maybe. It's been proofread very well. Dialogue: This is the strongpoint of the fic, and the thing it focuses most on. The interactions between Twilight and Entropy are solid, and they do convey the 'teacher-student' relationship that the fic is going for. The whole story seems to also be about the character development between the two, and I'd say from what I've read that it's orchestrated well. (I liked the Limerick War, btw) I'd say there are some conversations that don't seem to be necessary, but then again... this is slice of life, that's what happens. More on that where I talk about the story's pacing. Worldbuilding: There's some hints at Discord's past, and I liked the way they were presented. Probably also why the fic is 'AU', if I would hazard a guess. The majority of the fic (at the start, anyway) seems to be based in present day, though, so it seems to be quite light on this (Note that I could be completely wrong later on). Pacing: So, here's why I read relatively little of what I seem to be considering a pretty good fic. Well, for two reasons, actually. Firstly, the pacing is quite slow for me, but why is that?.. Well, it's because it's a romance slice-of-life fic. And y'know what? Good for the author. If this wasn't slowly paced, then it probably wouldn't fit the genre. Romance slice of life, from my understanding, should be about slowly learning the connections and understanding the feelings of the two characters. Adding a couple elements in every now and then, see how the characters react to them. This is the feeling I get from reading the first 4 chapters, and a bit at the end. This is done in this fic, and that's why I like it. Not that I actually like the genre myself, but because I like that the author has stuck to her guns, and targeted this fic to the right audience. PoV: It's told from alternating viewpoints in 3rd person. Sometimes it's Twilight, other times it's Discord. You learn a lot about how they feel about one another , at first (Discord) being rather hostile, for having to spend 30 days as a pony, for instance. Impact: At this point, I think the impact is quite clear from me. This story applies to people who like this genre, who like reading long, slowly-getting-romantic books about a tutor and a student. There aren't any bits that shout out, no cool action scenes, 'cuz guess what? That isn't what this story is about. Conclusion Not my cup of tea, but I'm sure there's a lot of people who like this genre. Constructive criticisms are... at a low here. Why? I'm not very experienced in this genre. The overall mechanics are good though, so from what I can tell, it'll be worth reading if you are the target audience. Scores: Plot: Very clear and easy to understand. If you like it, go for it. 15/20 Mechanics: Slow, but it's slow for character development. This seems to have been fine-tuned for the fic. 17/20 Characterisation: A strongpoint of the fic. 18/20 Originality: I didn't mention this, but... I think this is pretty original! A very simple premise, which becomes a lot more as the story progresses. I'm personally a fan of those. 17/20 Impact: This is for Romance Slice-of-Life lovers. I don't really know how to rate it, as for my own bias I'd rate it poorly, and it'd be pretty high for someone else. I'll leave it for now. Final Score: 67/80 *Recommended. It's good, but I'm too stupid to understand it* (As a note, I think I'll try to stay away from the Slice of Lifes a bit. It's gotten hard to rate them properly, as you can tell)
Not so Pinkie-pieSeveral days ago... Well, that's another review done! Let's check the ol' submission list, shall we? Hmm... that's quite a lot of words. I suppose I should pick based on what really speaks out to me, what I feel would most accurately create a dynami- HA, yoink! Linkedy Link: I mean, she's not really Pink-ie Pie by 8542Madness First Impressions Synopsis: Pinkie wakes up in the basement of the bakery one morning to discover that her pink coat is now completely white. This realization rocks the foundations of her entire world, causing her to go a journey of self-experience to learn more about who she really is. Or not. ^A solid way to start a comedy fic. It doesn't deviate too much from the path of other writers I've seen before, but the whole 'silly exaggeration into a <2000 word comedy fic' shtick is used because it works. Pic is relevant. Next! Tags. Comedy and Slice of Life. Yes, I did say specifically that I wasn't going to do Slice of Life last review, No, I didn't remember until just now, honest. Now from my understanding, when you're doing a small one-shot like this is, you want to have one point that your story revolves around. This is because, well.. you can't really fit anything else in, right? Now, since this is tagged comedy, and the synopsis is comedically exaggerated, I'd expect the story to revolve around that aspect more strongly than the other tag. And it does... kind of? More on this later. Plot *Looks at synopsis again* her pink coat is now completely white This realization rocks the foundations of her entire world Well, that was easy. And yes, this is an everyone-rated fic. Don't think so dirty. Mechanics Grammar: I don't remember seeing any mistakes. All good here! Dialogue: For the majority of the time, Pinkie is by herself. All Dialogue is internal, so we only really need to judge how Pinkie sounds in this fic in relation to the show. And does the author pull it off? Kinda. I wasn't thrilled by the crazy exaggerations of the synopsis, but she does go down some pretty unnatural thinking-routes. I suppose it depends on how she says it, and I couldn't judge that based on the text alone; italics weren't used for emphasis, rather just being used for her thoughts. In my opinion, I'd say it'd make more sense if she talked out loud, and that'd make showing the emphasis a lot easier. Plus, it makes her sound crazier, and she's crazy ol' Pinkie, right? The dialogue's interpretation of Pinkie isn't amazing here, but the overall message is brought to the reader. Worldbuilding: She's in a basement. Next! Pacing: Like I said, it does get the point across. This pretty much feeds into impact, and since I think that subtitle looks cooler anyway: Impact: Here's the only other issue I really had with the fic. When the joke happened, I was like, "Ah hah! That was sort of funny." As the author themselves say, if it makes you chuckle, the story serves its purpose. And then it goes on for another 300 words. For the author's reference, it's at "Pinkie, I don’t… nevermind. I’m not even going to try." that I thought it should have ended. That's a funny line! It's very slice-of-lifey, and makes the humour from before fall flat. If this is primarily a comedy fic, then it should really have ended on the punchline, and that's the same for most, if not all very short comedy one-shots. Conclusion However! If you were going for a slice of life fic... then I'd say you did a pretty good job. You showed an instance from these ponies lives, you gave a bit of background later on, and the background wasn't boring. If this was a slice of life fic, I'd say it would be paced pretty well! The only problem is that synopsis, and the comedy tag! When you do one-shot comedy fics, you tend to just do the comedy-bit. The comedy tag + synopsis here sets up an expectation that isn't entirely filled. If I felt this was going straight down the Slice of Life road, with a little joke at the start, then the last bit of the story would make a lot of sense. So, regardless of the relatively high scores that I may give you... this fic needs work, just a tiny bit of work. Delete the 300 words, and I'd suggest making Pinkie's lines a bit more exaggerated, and I'd give it a 'recommended' for that. Or, change the synopsis + tags to something more fitting of a slice-of-life. After that, I'd put it in 'recommended' as a slice of life. It's a weird case, to be sure, but no less enjoyable. Scores: Plot: There isn't a lot you can fit in 1600 words, but I did like the concept. 15/20 Mechanics: The strongpoint of the fic. 17/20 Characterisation: With some added crazy, Pinkie's lines could be a lot funnier. 13/20 Originality: The fic's set up like a lot of authors have done previously, even if the plot seems to be different from the rest. 12/20 Impact: Is it a slice of life, or comedy? Work this out, and this'll be a lot easier to score. 10/20 Final Score: 67/100 *Needs Work* (For the reasons I described above)
