Pleasant Commentator and Review Group Reviews

Romance-fic time! Let's check it out.

Linkedy Link: Ice Crystals by The DJ Rainbow Dash

First Impressions

The Synopsis:

In a small hiccup of insensitivity, Rarity finds out a secret Rainbow Dash hid from everypony she knew, and does so in a way she regrets.

To fix her mistake involves a trade, a fear for a fear.

Rainbow Dash decides to tackle one of these by taking her to a place where few ponies ever go.

To get to that place, they're going to go up.

Ooh. Fear trade? I like the sound of that. I'd also like to know what this 'secret' about RD is. To be honest, I quite like the synopsis!

I think the only thing that seems a bit off is the cover art. It seems to depict a rather warm, happy time, while the synopsis is talking about "THE FEAR TRADE". I mean, they can both work in romance, but in a 7.2K fic, we're probably only going to see one of them in action.

Other than that, with a skim read, you can tell that the fic has been paragraphed properly, and is rather easy to read. Which is good, since the first chapter is certainly one of those 'you might get lost' kind of chapters.

Mechanics

Grammar: Solid. I didn't notice anything out of place, so that's always a good sign. I think that the way the two chapters are portrayed is very different from one another from a prose stance, though; the first chapter is much more slower, and detailed on smaller things, while the second one gets moving with some more momentum.

Dialogue: Very thin on the first chapter (but then again, Rarity is by herself.)

I'd say that Rarity sounded a 'bit' out of ordinary in the first chapter, with lines like this:

“Generosity be damned. Couldn’t I be generous in a more subdued way?”

But you have to remember that she's alone, and therefore, she'd probably talk differently by herself.

In the second paragraph, I'd say that RD acts a bit blunt and stubborn in the way she talks, too, being more evidence why the fic seems to approach the relationship here as a bit less 'warmer' than the cover art appears to show it.

Worldbuilding: Not really too much here. There's a bit of recounting in the first chapter, as it's primarily about something that has been done, and is not happening right now, but that's about it. Rarity reacts to it in the present, and is apparently quite upset about it all. This makes for a rather sombre-feeling to the first chapter.

Pacing: Eh.. The first chapter is a bit slow, and pretty much describes the situation for a couple thousand words. I'd say that it certainly gets more readable in the second chapter, though. The fic seems to be set up as chapter one being the premise, and context which is given to the second chapter's 'payoff', ending the story suitably.

Point of View: It's all from Rarity's perspective, and thoughts, 3rd person.

Show and Tell: We're given an interesting merge of this in the first chapter, with Rarity remembering the events that happened before in a 'I'm such a fool' kinda-way, as well as her doing things such as flipping through pages, flipping over onto her belly into despair...

The second chapter is pretty much all show aside from the ending-payoff, which I kind of liked. A lot of talking, sure, but it does it's job well.

Character Development

Good in some parts, a bit sketchy in others. Explanation:

Rarity clearly feels she's in the wrong at the start, and ends up deciding she'll make things right with a visit after pondering over the answer. There's a really nice end to the first chapter with:

She was going to fix this, no matter what it took.

But on the second chapter, there's this one bit a felt.. a bit confused about. RD basically acts very blunt to Rarity, and Rarity acts passive in response, despite her vow in the first chapter. She gets over it in the end, becoming quite strong with what she's saying, but it takes a while.

Also, on the RD front... well, she barely changes her position at all. She's a bit like a wall, and can only be nudged very slightly after the whole 'payoff' at the end. You'd expect her to be a bit more lenient to her friend, but I think it still worked as it is. Perhaps the thing Rarity has worked her up about really hits her hard? It seems a bit unbelievable, to be honest, but maybe we're missing some context. In which case, it'd be good to clear us up on that.

Originality

As other people have said, the premise, a 'fear trade', is rather original.

While this may be true, however... I thought the story played out a bit too predictable. I knew what was going to happen in the second chapter before I read it, what with the cliff-hanger ending on the first chapter. Admittedly, I didn't think RD would be so wall-like as described before, but she pretty much played it out as was expected regardless.

Now, while that predictability wasn't necessarily bad, as the ending was satisfying in itself... something that surprised me could've done this 'originality' field a great service. It kind of reminded me of 'The Imitation Game', a movie I watched recently. Interesting idea, predictably played out... but still enjoyable.

Impact and Conclusion

Yeah, I liked it. That's what I got from this fic. I felt like I enjoyed it. The two chapters work well together to portray a relationship between two pones.

If there's anything I'd have liked to have changed, it would be a bit more of an explanation as to why RD was as mad as she was portrayed in the first chapter, and some way to tie together the whole, 'I destroyed your couch n'stuff, now gimme forgiveness' which seemed a bit off.

There's a pretty cool payoff at the end, and it's set together with a moral. All in all, it's a quaint little fic, and did enough to charm me.

Would I recommend it? For the story itself, I'd say you might be able to get better elsewhere, but for that dynamic switch between the two chapters, and the whole premise of a 'fear trade' in itself which is quite present, I'd say it's worth it.

Scores:

Plot: Predictable, though I did like the reflection in the first chapter. 12/20

Mechanics: A bit slow, and a bit confusing at the start, but it gets faster on the second chapter. Nothing 'stands out' as bad, nor amazing, but it's pretty good. 15/20

Characterisation: Sketchy here and there, but there's a couple of scenes that I really liked. 12/20

Originality: Interesting idea, predictable but still enjoyable format. 13/20

Impact: Yeah, I liked it. While the start is a bit slow, the impact of the two chapters together is worth a bit of reading. 14/20

Final Score: 66/100

*Recommended*