Crouching Sunset, Hidden Dragon: Part Two of the Nonsense Trilogy
Screwed In More Ways Than One
Sunset shimmer had the most amazing night of her life. It was the most fantastic event Ponyville had experienced since the zap apple harvest. It had started off as any normal night, with Sunset closing up shop at the New Ponyville Library and making her way to the bar to drink herself into oblivion. Same old, same old. However, the biggest badass in Equestria happened to frequent the same bar, and the party that soon commenced would go down in the history books as the most epic of non-Pinkie-party parties. Unfortunately, Sunset Shimmer couldn’t remember a damn thing.
She stirred from her slumber as the bright light of Celestia’s sun assaulted her eyes, only serving to intensify the worst hangover she’d ever experienced. She groaned as she turned over in bed. As she did, her eyes shot open, pupils dilated to pinpricks at the sensation of another body against her own.
”What the actual FUCK?”
The body next to her stirred and she heard a voice. “Huh? Oh, sup Sunset. Fun night, am i right?”
Sunset had no idea who it was, exactly, currently pressed against her body. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know, or if she was actually awake at all. The only thing she was completely sure of: someone was getting a hoof to the groin if they weren’t the smoothest motherfucker in Equestria. Lucky for Spike… he was the smoothest motherfucker in Equestria.. “Uh, oh hey… Spike?”
Sunset looked at Spike and began rubbing her temples, trying to analyze the situation. She woke up. In a bed that wasn’t hers. With a dragon… A dragon that happens to be Twilight’s best friend, or number one assistant, or fuckbuddy, or whatever the fuck he was. Actually, if he was her fuckbuddy, that made things even weirder that he manifested as a dog in the human world.
Shock slowly subsiding, Sunset rose to her haunches, pulling the duvet with her and causing Spike to glare up at her with bleary eyes. It was completely possible he was still drunk. “What the fuck happened last night?”
Spike busted up laughing. “Oh my Celestia! You don’t remember that shit!? Anything? Dude, we had the craziest party I’ve ever seen! Oh, and we totally boned… You’re not bad.”
Sunset raised a hoof threateningly.
“Alright, alright! It was fantastic!” Spike turned his head and muttered, “Crazy cunt-muffin…”
“Listen here you little twerp, this does not leave this room, alright?” Sunset grabbed Spike by the neck and glared into his soul with eyes far more demonic than even her devil mode could have mustered. “Is that clear?”
“Umm, yes?” Spike plopped to the ground after she let him drop.
“Thank you, now I’m going home to take a shower.” She shuddered as she thought about all she may be scrubbing off.
“You might want to make that two showers… We went ten rounds, just sayin’.”
“Holy fucking dog shit…” Tequila. Not even once. Sunset now knew for sure that any drink made from a cactus was pure evil, and she knew pure evil.
Shaking her head, Sunset hopped off the bed and began her trek across the room. She found her knees were actually weak.
“Mmm,” Spike commented, staring at her plot. “I hate to see you leave, but I love to see you walk away.”
Sunset graced the comment with nothing more than a glare as she exited the room. Lucky for her, it seemed Spike’s room was the closest to the staircase, and so she began her descent on wobbly legs.
Once at the bottom, Sunset took a few moments to gawk at the design of the throne room. Everything was perfect, everything she had imagined for her own castle in her youth, except for the extra thrones, of course. She shook her head to abolish the thoughts. Those days were over. Apparently, her destiny was to drunkenly bang dragons now. The thought elicited a sorrowful sigh as she opened wide the front door to the castle…
only to be greeted by the staring eyes of possibly every pony in Ponyville. Eyes wide, she stared back like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck. “Dafuq is this shit?”
Slowly, the crowd parted like the Red Sea, revealing Princess Twilight standing at the end. She slowly paced forward, and Sunset gulped as she looked on at the scene unfolding before her. Never had she seen Twilight look quite so fierce. I’m so fucked… she thought.
“Sunset Shimmer!” Twilight belted out with a royal boom in her voice. “Come here at once!”
Sunset prayed to whatever divinity was out there that she would survive the next five minutes of her life. Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Celestia scratched at an annoying itch in her ear.
She slowly marched through the crowd, eyes darting back and forth amongst the crowd ponies. She couldn't help but hear a few comments here and there.
“Whoa, is that her?”
“No way. It’s the mare that banged a dragon.”
“How did it even fit?”
“Brah, I’ve gotta talk to her.”
“Hell no,man. Get yo weak ass shit back here. You can’t compete with a fucking dragon, you twatwaffle.”
Sunset slowly trotted up to the space awaiting her right in front of Twilight. The two of them met in the middle, and the gap was closed. They were now surrounded by the conglomeration of murmuring ponies.
“Y-Yes, Twilight?” Sunset muttered shyly like a filly in trouble with her mother.
“I know what happened last night.” Twilight’s eyes locked onto Sunset, boring holes through her like lasers.
“Y-you do?”
“Yes, yes I do. Now, don’t you have something you’d like to tell everyone?” Twilight asked, waving a hoof out to include the growing crowd of ponies.
“Um, well, I was hoping to keep it just, you know, between us.” Sunset’s pleading eyes were all for naught. Twilight would not be coerced as she had years ago.
“Hmph, fine. I’ll tell them.” Twilight turned to greet all the ponies. “Everypony, I have somepony to show you. This is Sunset Shimmer. She’s the mare…”
Oh dear lord, my life is over.
“WHO BANGED A DRAGON! LET’S GET A ROUND OF APPLAUSE!”
Instantly, the entire crowd erupted into a mess of cheering and hoof stomps. Everyone smiled and yelled, a few newspaper crews showed up and she swore she saw a beach ball or two bounce around.
“Hi, I’m Pop Tart from the Ponyville Press, and I’d like to ask you a few questions.”
Sunset looked over to see a newspony addressing her with a voice recorder up to her mouth.
“Um, I don’t really-”
“Tell us, how did it feel to get penetrated by something so incredibly huge?”
“I, uh… What the fuck kind of question is that?”
“Were you able to walk afterwards? Tell me, was double penetration involved?”
“You really want this shit in the papers?”
Poptart just nodded in excited glee.
“Ahhh!” Sunset Shimmer screamed and dashed away from the crowd as fast as possible.
It was dark and quiet. Too quiet. The ponies searching for Sunset had long since lost any trace of her, but the traumatized mare feared her hiding place would soon be discovered. Town Hall had yet to be searched, and it was only a matter of time before it was flooded by crazed ponies.
Sunset peaked out from behind the desk she’d used to hide and scanned the room. Her path seemed clear, so she began to slink along the floor toward the exit, only to have it swing open in her face, almost bringing her with it as it slammed into the wall.
“Ow! Shit! What’s wrong with you?!” Sunset exclaimed, rubbing her cheek where she’d been smacked.
“Oh, my sincerest apologies, Sunset Shimmer. It’s not often anyone comes into my office. With Twilight’s ascension to Princess, I’ve even seen a reduction in clients. What, may I ask, are you doing in here?”
“Oh, uh… Just… stealing files. Totally committing theft right now. You should arrest me and take me far away from here.”
Mayor Mare raised an unbelieving eyebrow. “I find that highly unlikely. Despite the social stigma placed on you, you’ve been nothing but a model citizen since arriving to Ponyville. What’s really going on?”
Sunset sighed and hung her head in shame before slowly raising it once more, tearful eyes gazing into the mayor’s. “C-can you keep a secret?”
Mayor Mare grinned ear to ear. “I’ve been waiting my entire life to hear those words.”
“Well, apparently I got reeeeally drunk last night, and I can’t remember any of it, but there was this crazy party, and I woke up next to Spike. Now the entire town knows I fucked a dragon, and they’re all trying to catch me. Celestia knows what they would do to me if they actually caught me!” Celestia didn’t know shit.
“My word, that is juicy… I mean dreadful. I know just what to do!” The mayor zipped across the room with Pinkie-like speed and ripped a curtain from a floor-length window. “I’m going to get you out of here. Follow me!” With that, she grabbed Sunset’s hoof in her own and ran out of the room, dragging her new companion along.
Sunset was tripping all over herself. It was bad enough she was on three hooves, but she kept stepping on the curtain, and she couldn’t see anything. She had no idea where she was escaping to, and she was at the complete mercy of the mayor.
“Where in Tartarus are we going, Mayor!?”
“Patience, Sunset. We’re nearly there!”
True to her word, they soon slowed to a halt, and Mayor Mare spoke once more.
“Alright, there are five steps ahead. Be careful.”
Sunset nodded like an idiot, completely unsure if the expression had any sort of effect of confirmation under the curtain. Deciding that didn’t matter, she stepped forward, feeling around for the first step. Having found it, she tentatively scaled all five and found herself on a wooden platform.
“Where the fuck are we, Mayor?” Sunset asked, more than a bit annoyed.
Rather than answering her question, the mayor simply pulled the curtain from Sunset’s body. The mare found herself backstage in some sort of amphitheatre. Just before Sunset could react, Mayor Mare pulled a rope hanging from the scaffolding, and the curtains opened, revealing Sunset to the prying eyes of the entire population of Ponyville.
Sunset set an accusatory gaze to Mayor Mare. “You backstabbing bitch!”
In response, Mayor mare just winked.
Bitch is gonna’ die…
“Ponyville! I give you the mare you’ve all been waiting for…. Sunset! Shimmer!”
The entire crowd screamed and shouted in honor of the pony standing before them. Sunset couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing. What was happening?
“Sunset,” the mare continued. “With the power invested in me, as the mayor of this fine town, I present to you the Equestrian Medal of Accomplishment. This is an award reserved for only the most noble of ponies, those who have done something for not just the betterment of their own lives, but the lives of all Equestria’s citizens. Thank you, Sunset Shimmer for all that you’ve done. Let’s hear it folks!”
The crowd screamed once more, stomping their hooves in uproarious applause. Sunset stared out with crazed eyes at the crowd, her brow twitching as her brain began having difficulty functioning. Addressing them all, she shouted, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON!?”
“You banged a dragon, Sunset Shimmer,” Mayor Mare spoke calmly into the microphone. This elicited another cheer from the audience. “Surely you know this is something accomplished by very few. In fact, we’ve never seen a normal mare do so and live to tell the tale. You… You’re of a different breed, Sunset Shimmer. You’re a certified, card-carrying badass!”
“I can’t take it anymore!” Sunset screamed as she exited stage left, making yet another escape. “Ahh!”
Mayor Mare shrugged. “Whatever she took last night had to have been worse than this.”
“Get her!” Bonbon shouted from the middle of the crowd in a ridiculous voice that wasn’t fooling anyone. Still, they all complied with the order, and soon a massive mob was chasing Sunset through the town. There would be no escaping this time. The ponies had become far too animalistic in their pursuit.
Several lunged for Sunset’s legs, just barely missing. The crowd didn’t slow down one bit, and the mares were trampled by the remaining ponies. They were gaining on her, frothing from the mouth.
Sunset looked back in horror, and that would be her folly. As she faced forward once more, she collided with a brick wall, one constructed in the middle of time square in mere seconds, courtesy of Pinkie Pie.
Sunset woke up to the sound of a hoof stomping on some sort of wooden surface. She groaned and began to turn over, only to find herself constricted and unable to do so. Her brow scrunched in confusion until she recalled the events which transpired before she blacked out.
Her eyes shot open, and she found herself in a crate just before it was pried open with a crowbar. Busting out on her own, she took a defensive stance and growled, but she soon fell to the marble floor, ears falling to the side of her head.
Surrounding her was a circle of royal guards, each with a spear pointed in her direction. The one directly before her spoke up. “On your hooves, Dragon Fucker, the princess requests an audience with you!”
The stallion seemed familiar, an orange coat and blue mane. After studying him for just a few seconds, Sunset gasped and shouted out, “Brad!?”
Flash Sentry raised a brow. “Who the fuck is Brad…? And what kind of name is that?”
Sunset shook her head. “Nevermind. Let’s… Let’s just get this crazy shit over with.” She sighed and hung her head, following the company of guards to their destination.
She still remembered her way around the castle, and she found herself facing the doors to Celestia’s throne room in a few minutes. She sighed as the guards in the forefront pushed open the doors. “Here we go,” she muttered.
Celesta was awaiting her in the middle of the room. “Guards, you are excused.”
With a bow the guards walked away, leaving Sunset alone with Celestia.
“Sunset Shimmer, is it true that you are the cause of the sudden uproar overtaking my country? Is it true that you had sex with Spike?”
“Y-Yes? But, your majesty, I can explain!”
“Silence!” Celestia bellowed out. “Follow me.”
Sunset lowered her head and followed Celestia out of the door and down a hall. They eventually came to a door.
“Open the door, Sunset. Your just desserts await.”
Sunset gulped down a breath of air and walked through the door, closing her eyes and unable to see the blinding flash of light that engulfed her. After several seconds of hearing nothing but a harmonious hum, she slowly opened her eyes. What she saw changed her life.
All around her , she saw nothing but the night sky in any direction, there was no ground beneath her, only a translucent stream of prismatic light, somehow solidifying for the sole purpose of holding Sunset in place. It stretched out before her and spiraled up into the night sky.
Tentatively, Sunset stepped forward once, then once more. Putting one hoof in front of the other, she soon found herself traversing the winding path to its peak. There stood Princess Celestia, eyes white with powerful alicorn magic. Sunset knew then and there what this place was.
This was her plane of existence, the dimension Celestia had created from her own will. This was the Celestial Plane. Sunset’s heart sank to her stomach.
“Sunset Shimmer,” Celestia’s voice sounded all around, as if the universe itself had spoken.
“Y-yes your majesty?” Sunset squeaked, unready for any punishment which would befall her.
“Congratulations!” Celestia continued, pausing for dramatic effect… as deities often do.
Sunset blinked, then blinked again. “What?” she asked in a deadpan tone.
“You have been awarded the highest honor Equestria has to offer and achieved your life-long dream. You have become an alicorn and a princess of Equestria.”
Sunset repeated herself, a bit more assertive in her confusion, “What??”
“Now,” Celestia spoke on, “Face your destiny!”
There was another flash of light, and the Celestial Plane disintegrated before Sunset’s eyes. Instead, she found herself standing upon a balcony, the lowest in the castle. This was where princesses were coronated. This is where she was being coronated. Before her, all of Equestria stood, waiting with bated breath.
“CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA,” Celestia announced in her Canterlot Voice, “I PRESENT TO YOU THE PRINCESS OF BADASSERY, SUNSET SHIMMER!!!”
The mass of citizens went crazy as they screamed in raucous applause. Sunset Shimmer fell to her haunches. “What???”
Author's Note
This was absolutely crazy. But it was fun to write.
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