Cycles

Can you say that you've romanticized all of your friends? Can you say that you've solved all of their problems? Can you say that you've held each and every one of them down as you gouged out their eyes? Can you say that you've strung bodies up in the town square and danced in the blood flowing from their wounds?

I can.

The same five days, they repeat without any remorse. I've given up hope of escaping this madness. Everyone who could do something about this has failed.

The cause?

Not enough time.

Heh.

I don't want to exist anymore.

When it started, I didn't know what was happening. Everyone asked me the same questions; "Darling, could you help me at the boutique today?" "How come you an' Twi' haven't gotten together yet?" "Could I talk with you a moment? It's rather important."

If I help at the boutique, Twilight is disappointed I couldn't visit her. She then can't work up the nerve to tell me her feelings, although she's told me more than a thousand times. It's lost it's impact. Not only that, but I also get jumped by some thugs hired by some rich asshole who's got a hard-on for Rarity.

On several occasions, I've killed all of them: the thugs and the admirer.

On several occasions, they've killed me.

But it just keeps going: my life, their lives, my friends lives. Even when I snuff them out, they just come back with absolutely no memory of what's happened. No memory of my hands covered in their blood. No memory of me seducing them. No memory of me weeping in front of them.

If this hell was meant to break me, it's done it's job twenty-fold over.

Moving on to the second of thousands of choices: hearing out Twilight. We have, sorry, had a lot in common, but not any more. I've become something different, something not human. When she pours her heart out to me, I can't feel anything any more. At the moment she finishes her speech, she looks up at me with tears in her eyes, looking for some sort of answer.

I hate this. I   H A T E   A L L   O F   I T. Sometimes, when I feel especially irritated, I gouge out her eyes right there. Nobody catches on to her death until that night. Spike helps at Rarity at the boutique until 8:30. She walks him home and they discover her body between 9 and 11, depending on if I bother to hide the body. By then I'm already gone. They can catch me if I let them, but I usually kill myself in front them all just to see their faces distort in horror.

Other times, I just walk away. I walk straight into the Ghastly Gorge, restarting the week. I go back, and every time I fail to show emotion. The only time I've ever been able to respond with kindness was at the beginning. I hugged her, and we spent that entire day together. At the end, she walks me home. I invite her in for some coffee, and she accepts. You can guess what happened after that.

I don't want to exist any more. After the fiftieth week, I lost it. I got a knife from my kitchen and slaughtered everyone in the town. It took at least a platoon of royal guard and the princesses themselves to stop me, and just to spite them, I killed myself.

Must have walked that path about ten times.

It's funny.

I used to fear change. I wept the first few days here because I was scared. I was scared that I would never go back to the norm.

Now I'm scared of the norm never changing.

Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, Apple Jack, Rainbow Dash, hell, even Pinkie Pie is predictable to me now. I just want something to change. Anything. The smallest change. The weather, the dialogue, I don't care anymore. I've heard, saw, and felt everything there is to this world. I want something to change.

I want to be afraid.

But I can't.

I know what happens in every decision I make. And even if I forget, or if I do stumble upon something new, it's predictable. Twilight will react logically. Fluttershy will flee. Rarity will scoff. Rainbow will fight. Apple Jack will worry. Pinkie will parody. As for the others... well, they don't usually care to do anything.

I want someone to kill me.

No, that's a bad choice.

I want someone to erase me. My existence, my being, everything that I stand for.

I   W A N T   T O   D I S A P P E A R .

Is that too much to ask for?

This week, I broke down again in the middle of the street. As per usual when this happens, Pinkie tries to console me.

She fails.

I'm taken to Twilight, she comforts me and I tell her my hell. She's reluctant to believe, and by this point I've calmed down. I tell her that I don't blame her. She suggests that we see the princesses, and I tell her that we already did. She looks at me confused, then she realizes the truth. I tell her that I've done terrible things to her and her friends, but that I still love her. She blushes at this.

I'm going crazy. Sometimes, I kill her after saying this. Not because of good or evil...

But because I can.

Without consequence.

This time, I was to tired to bother. She suggested this time that I write down my problems in a diary so that I don't become insane. I've done this before, but I'm doing it again because I have no hope left. I just want to spend time with her. Twilight tried to leave to look up an answer, but I called her back knowing that she wouldn't find one in time. I just wanted to hold her, forgetting that she would forget.

The entire week I spent holding her.

Now it's time for the last night to close again. Tomorrow, they'll all go back to the beginning, while I continue down this lonely path.

I wonder... Is this the pain of an immortal?