Twilight's epic quest of stupid

Once (and defently not twice) upon a time, there was a purple female pony called Twilight Sparkle, who could talk and use magical spells. Said pony intended to become Best Pony, which she was not. One day, she desperately read 34 books in an attempt to forget the fact that she was non-best. She still didn't manage to forget; for she had developed a giant brain that would never allow her to forget anything at all. Twilight punished her innocent slave Spike the dragon for this, by ordering him to underline all the text in all the 34 books she had read on that fateful day.

Leaving her castle (for she had mysteriously received such a building a while after she had mysteriously become an alicorn princess) and her slave behind, Twilight flew up into the sky, only to find her pegasus friend Rainbow Dash seated on a small cloud.

"Twilight, you're purple!" the rainbow-coloured pegasus shouted.

"You are indeed correct!" replied Twilight. "Now, my dear Rainbow Dash, I need you to tell me who is Best Pony."

"Me?" guessed the extraordinarily colourful pegasus.

"Bye, Rainbow Dash!" replied Twilight; for she immediately realized the very pegasus pony she was talking to was about 20 % cooler than her. Therefore, she had to find a way to become at least about 21 % cooler in order to be Best Pony. "There's no reasoning with rainbow-shitting appleholics!" she said to herself as she flew away.

Twilight flew all the way to Canterlot. She intended to consult princess Celestia in hope of finding out who was the current Best Pony, and perhaps even how she could become Best Pony herself. She eventually arrived at the Canterlot castle, which was in fact a great castle. As she was not only a princess but also Celestia's friend, Twilight could walk right in whenever she intended to. Which she also did.

Celestia was the largest and whitest pony of all, making her the all-powerful ruler of all ponykind (while racism is immoral and unrighteous, it was widely accepted thousands of years ago, when Celestia became princess. She has now changed her ways and given her dark sister Luna equal rights). The sun also obeyed Celestia, despite reportedly not being a pony. Twilight came before this very princess.

"Oh, your majesty, great and powerful princess Celestia, may you live forevermore! Your humble servant begs to ask for your divine, holy advice!" said Twilight.

"Wassup, Twily?" replied Celestia.

"Who's the current Best Pony?" asked Twilight.

"That has to be the great and powerful pony known as Gaben the Destroyer", said Celestia. "However, if you bring me a jar of sos, I shall appoint you to our new official Best Pony. The Destroyer has been missing for centuries, after all."

"Sos?" Twilight was suddenly tremendously confused. "What's sos?"

"We don't know for sure," admitted Celestia. "But be warned; it's highly flammable! Now go and find it, or I will stick your own hooves up your butt!"

"Talk about eye candy!" replied Twilight, and left without saying farewell. It was time to go on a sos-scouting trip! She forgot to ask Celestia whether she knew where sos could be found; for after all, her giant brain was not as powerful as previously stated. Scientific studies that had been performed while Twilight was flying to Canterlot had now proven that even the ponies who possess the hugest of brains CAN in fact forget things.

Twilight flew at the speed of sound in a random direction. As a result of said action, she eventually ended up in Vanhoover. After eating some grass, Twilight decided there seemed to be nothing else of interest in Vanhoover.  She could not spot a single jar, and naturally didn't know whether she had found any sos or not, as she had no clue what sos was. What a pity! She ate some additional grass, before setting off once more.

Twilight was now starting to feel very a-sos-ial. She also hated unfunny puns. Furthermore, she was also starting to feel very asocial, since she had no companions by her side on this very epic adventure. For this very reason, Twilight flew back to Ponyville, where she found her friend Pinkie Pie, an extraordinarily pink psychopath earth pony who had a tattoo of three balloons on her butt.

"The dreadful Grilluminati will grill and consume Equestria!" yelled the pink maniac.

"Then we're in a hurry; I must find some sos before the event you speak of takes place!" replied Twilight.

"Some BBQ sauce will indeed go great with Equestria!" sang the fearsome pink monster.

"Then join me!" demanded Twilight.

Neither one of the two ponies were Best Pony.

Twilight and Pinkie agreed to wander around randomly looking for jars, as they did not know what sos was. They only knew they needed a jar of it, and it was highly flammable. After searching all of Ponyville, they went to the Everfree Forest. Spooky! After wandering for about 12 minutes, they found a glass jar labelled "sus?". Twilight picked it up using a levitation spell, and the two ponies travelled to the Canterlot castle.

When Celestia saw the jar of sus?, she realized the Destroyer was still alive, causing her to faint in despair. Even the largest and whitest of ponies can crap their pants during stressful times... considering they wear any. Celestia didn't wear any, for she liked to remind her subjects of her favourite fairy tale.

"I am the president of the Grilluminati!" yelled Pinkie Pie, and kicked the jar of sus?. The sus? exploded, and everyone in the castle died a horrible death. The smoke caused by the explosion could be seen all the way from Germaney. Talk about eye candy.

Still to this day, the spirit of Gaben the Destroyer, who is the true leader or the Grilluminati, roams the Everfree Forest, always looking for his lost sus?. Talk about eye candy.