I Am Not a Slob!

by ThatOneWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Romance
Length: 3392

Rainbow Dash isn't a slob, no matter what Rarity says.

Rainbow Dash has no idea what Rarity's problem is. Dash isn't messy. She just isn't super-neat like her prissy unicorn girlfriend. Rarity's the one with the problem here, clearly.

Cover art by IEatedAUnicorn

Published 2015-10-26 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-26 23:30:01 UTC

I Mean, I Know Where Everything Is...

Dash slammed the door to her cloud house. Or at least came as close to slamming the door as could be done with a door that was almost lighter than air. She swung the cloud door really, really hard, which was good enough, she supposed.

She flopped upon her couch, which gave off a puff of mist. It was so good to be home in her not-stupid house after spending the morning in a stupid house with a stupid unicorn acting all snobby with her stupid accent and her stupid sense of superiority. How did Rarity figure she was better than Rainbow Dash? Of course she wasn’t! Rainbow Dash was the best pony ever at pretty much everything that mattered. Dash needed Rarity like she needed a second pair of wings. Actually, a second pair of wings sounded pretty cool. Maybe they’d let her go faster or maneuver better. But she still didn’t need Rarity. That was a pretty dumb analogy, now that Dash thought about it.

Dash got up off the couch and dug through her fridge until she found a can of soda. She opened it, immediately chugging half the contents. She then belched. Screw Rarity! Dash didn’t need her prissy ‘manners’ or ‘etiquette’. For the last twenty years, Dash had gotten along just fine doing things her own way. Dating her or not, she figured she could get through another twenty years—or more!—without Rarity’s interference.

Just where did she get off on calling Dash a slob? Dash stewed over this point while she finished her soda, which she then crushed and chucked behind her. It then fell through the cloud floor, where it presumably fell on somepony unfortunate enough to pass by, judging by the angry shout that followed. Well, what business did that pony have walking under Dash’s house, anyway? Served him right, Dash figured.

Looking around the house, Dash couldn’t spot a single thing that was wrong with it. Her decorations were fairly neat, she kept the cloud furniture well-maintained (not that most of it was even cloud; being friends with an alicorn helped make actual furniture more of a feasible option), and there was not a hint of dirt or dust on the floor. There weren’t even any bits of trash or any belongings just thrown onto the floor. (Actually, hadn’t she left her hoodie there the other day? Hm… A true mystery.)

Upon further review, Dash might even dare to assert that she kept her house cleaner than even Rarity did. Dash had seen Rarity leave discarded designs on the floor when she missed the trash can, and her workspace was constantly in total chaos. Sure, she seemed to know where things were, but even to Dash’s untrained eye, the room looked messy. And that was before considering the messes her cat made! Dash definitely had Rarity beat there. Tank was an awesome pet, as partially evidenced by the fact that he never left hairballs in the middle of the room or shed all over everything or got catnip everywhere.

Dash decided that there was only one solution to this problem: Rarity needed to be called out. Dash was going to fly over there and tell her what was what. With only a short pause to remind Tank to be awesome while she was gone, Dash took off.

In a short amount of time, she arrived at the Carousel Boutique. She hammered on the front door. No response. She tried the handle, which worked. Rarity was lucky that the front door was unlocked. Otherwise, Dash would have totally… done something about it. She didn’t know what. But Rarity would’ve regretted it, that was for sure.

Dash marched up the stairs, headed straight for Rarity’s workroom. She flung open the door.

“Alright, Rarity, lemme tell you—” An empty room greeted her. Except for the ponyquins. Dash didn’t feel like lecturing them. They didn’t do much except stand there and look creepy.

“Rarity?” She wasn’t in her inspiration room. “Hello, I’m trying to talk to you!” Nor was Rarity in the bedroom, or any room at all, for that matter.

How dare she not be home! Dash had a long list of things to call her out on!

Then Dash looked at the calendar. Friday. Shoot. Rarity always went to the spa with Fluttershy on Fridays. She probably wouldn’t be home for another hour or so. Maybe more, on a day like today. Mean as it was, Dash smirked a little at the idea of Rarity bawling in Fluttershy’s hooves over losing Dash. Served her right, calling Dash a slob like that.

Was Dash calling it quits? Rarity was totally acting self-righteous and everything, but Dash didn’t really want to cut ties. But it was probably a good idea to get her stuff back. Maybe without any trace of Dash there, Rarity would be miserable enough to come crawling back to her and promise never to make unfair accusations against Dash ever again.

Dash headed back up to the bedroom, grabbing a suitcase on the way. As soon as she opened the door, she jumped at the pile of junk on the floor. Man, Rarity had really let her bedroom go! She must have been torn up at the thought of losing Dash.

Where was Dash’s stuff at, anyway? She checked the closet, but it was just the stuff that was normally there: a few of Rarity’s favorite outfits, dresses the girls had returned (despite Rarity’s insistence that Dash keep at least one of the dresses for their dates, all of Dash’s dresses remained in Rarity’s closet), some accessories… Nothing too interesting to Dash.

Maybe it was in the desk? Or on the nightstands? Or the dresser, perhaps? Dash stubbed her hoof against something as she searched.

“Ouch!” She grabbed the offending object, a… trophy? Since when had Rarity had one of Dash’s trophies? Dash snatched it, placing it in the suitcase.

Right next to where it had been, she found a Spitfire figurine, followed by a Soarin’, and then the rest of the Wonderbolts. Just like the one she had at home. Odd.

Wait. Now that Dash thought about it, she had taken that over here. Rarity had agreed, on the grounds that Dash ought to feel some degree of ownership over the room if she was going to stay there even just a couple of nights a week.

As she continued to pick up stuff off the floor, Dash found more and more of her own belongings: a Wonderbolts hat, her favorite coffee mug, a few Daring Do books… She even found some trash that she had left there. Actually, pretty much all of the trash was hers.

Dash frowned. There might have been more of Dash’s stuff than Rarity’s. It wasn’t like a complete takeover of the room, but Dash had definitely staked a claim. And she had done a pretty awful job at taking care of her part of the room. She slumped. Rarity was right. Dash was a total slob.

At that moment, Dash decided exactly what she was going to do. She stood up, grabbing a trash can and flying over to the corner of the room. From there, she landed and slowly swept the room for any garbage she had left on the floor. Once that was done, she sorted through all her things and decided what she was actually going to take home and what she was going to leave there.

Assuming Rarity let her. Her stomach churned at the thought. For all this time, she had taken Rarity for granted, but Rarity could easily leave at any time, couldn’t she? Considering how neat Rarity tended to be, how long would she put up with a slob like Dash?

Pacing around the room, Dash thought up ways she could make it up to Rarity. She could wear that dress on their next date. Maybe she’d wear perfume, the real fancy kind Rarity liked so much. She might even wear high heels. That was a line Dash had never considered crossing before, but if Rarity wanted it… Well, she’d think about it, at least. There had to be a line drawn somewhere, after all. Only if the heels were the make-or-break point.

But all of that assumed that Rarity still wanted Dash. The next time she saw Dash, Rarity might decide that she’d had enough, and she would break up with Dash. That would be incredibly un-awesome. That’d suck, actually.

Only one solution came to Dash’s mind. It was cliche. It was cheesy. But Rarity liked sappy, cliche romance stories, so sappy, cliche gifts seemed like as good of an idea as any other.

Dash bolted out the door (well, she slowed down to get through the door. Breaking Rarity’s door wouldn’t do Dash any favors in winning her back.) and took to the skies.

She flew low, keeping an eye out for her destination. Rarity happened to walk down the same street she flew over.

“Hey! Dash!” Her cries went unanswered as Dash continued on, not even looking at her. Dash couldn’t face her yet. Not until she got a gift, at least.

Dash landed in front of Rose’s store. She burst through the door.

“Hey, Dash." Rose tilted her head. “Funny seeing you here. Can I help you?”

Dash slammed her hooves on the counter. “I need all your flowers!” She paused and reconsidered. “Actually, just all the ones that are good for apologies.”

Rose’s eyes widened. “All of them? But I don’t think you can afford—”

“All of them,” Dash insisted. She looked Rose dead in the eyes.

“But—” Rose gulped. “But that would be over two thousand bits!”

Darn. There was no way Dash could afford anything close to that unless she received like five promotions. And got an advance on her salary. She sighed.

“Then get me, like, two dozen or something.”

Rose nodded and made a bouquet of several roses. As she did so, Dash remembered another gift idea.

“Do you have any chocolate?”

As she handed Dash the bouquet, Rose shook her head. “Not here, no. But Bon Bon makes some really nice chocolates at her shop.”

Dash slumped. Bon Bon didn’t make gourmet chocolate. Or imported Prench chocolates. But really nice chocolates would have to do, she guessed. She rushed out the door to Bon Bon’s shop.

“Wait!” Rose called, but Dash was already out the door. “She forgot to pay.” She scratched her head. “Well, I guess I’ll send the bill to Rarity, then…”

…

Bon Bon gaped at Dash. “All the chocolates? But that’s thousands of bits’ worth!”

Horseapples. Foiled again by her limited salary.

“Well, nevermind, then! Get me the largest box you have instead!”

Bon Bon disappeared to a room behind the counter. She emerged moments later, holding a pony-sized box of chocolates.

Dash balked at the box. “Whoa! That thing’s huge!”

Grinning, Bon Bon patted the box. “It’s a complete sampler of every kind of chocolate I have. I must’ve spent a full day making all of these.”

Dash’s stomach sank. Talk like that usually meant a huge price tag, to say nothing of the sheer size. “How much is it?”

Bon Bon rubbed her chin. “Hm… I guess I never really set a price for this.” She paused, tilting her head. “A hundred bits sounds fair.”

“A hundred?” Reaching into her saddlebag, Dash pulled out all the bits she had. Without even counting, she could tell it was well short of a hundred. It was more like twenty.

“How much will this get me?” Dash put the money on the counter.

After counting it up, Bon Bon pulled out a reasonably-sized box. “It’d be more like this much. And you’d probably want the Prench vanilla pralines.” She winked at Dash. “Those are Rarity’s favorites.”

Dash’s jaw dropped. “How did you know I was buying for her?”

Bon Bon giggled. “Well, you don’t come here very often, and asking for large quantities of chocolate usually means it’s an apology present, so it wasn’t that hard to piece together.”

“Uh, yeah, I’ll take the pray-lean thingies,” Dash said, pushing the money forward.

Collecting the money, Bon Bon then boxed up several pralines (Dash didn’t count how many) and gave them to Dash, smiling. “Have a nice day!” Her smile softened. “And I hope things turn out well for you two.”

“Yeah. Uh, thanks.” Dash stumbled out the door, putting the box of chocolates in her saddlebags. She took off again, bracing herself for the worst as she headed toward Carousel Boutique.

…

When Dash landed, Rarity was already there waiting for her. “Rainbow Dash! I looked all over for you, and then you just fly by without saying a word to me?” She huffed.

Dash’s ears drooped. This whole apology thing wasn’t supposed to already be going wrong. At least Rarity wasn’t giving her the cold shoulder, though. Yet. “Yeah. Sorry about that.” She opened her saddlebags and pulled out her gifts. “I got something for you, though.”

Rarity looked at the chocolates and the flowers. She stared at Dash. “I don’t understand.”

“Well…” Dash leaned her head back, trying to think of where to begin. “I thought about what you said earlier. And I was still mad and everything, so I came over to yell at you some more. But you weren’t here, obviously. So I looked over the room, and I realized you were right. I am a slob.”

“Aw, Dash—” Rarity put a hoof on Dash’s shoulder, but Dash gently pushed it off.

“I had to make it up to you, right? I didn’t really know what to get or anything, but I got you flowers and chocolates.” She bit her lip. “That’s usually what the characters do in those mushy romance books you read, isn’t it?”

“It is.” Rarity raised an eyebrow, but otherwise just waited for Dash to continue.

“Right.” Hearing that she got the gifts right made Dash perk up. But only a little; Rarity hadn’t forgiven her yet. She held out her gifts. “I’m sorry I made a mess of your place. It’s not perfect, but I cleaned up most of it.”

Rarity’s eyes widened. “You cleaned it up?”

“Most of it,” Dash hastily repeated. “But yeah, you can see the floor again and everything. And most of my stuff has been packed up, too.”

Frowning, Rarity tilted her head. “Packed up? But why would you pack your things?”

Dash stared down at her hooves as she kicked at the dirt. “Well, like, you like to keep things clean and everything. And I… don’t, really.” She shrugged. “I just didn’t know if you’d want to keep putting up with me being messy.”

Rarity put her hoof under Dash’s chin, lifting her head. “Dash, I would never kick you out or break up with you over one fight. Especially over not keeping things perfectly tidy.” She chuckled. “I know you’ve seen my workroom when I have a large order. I can live with a little mess, as long as it’s relatively organized. I even have Sweetie Belle over, and goodness knows she can make a mess.” She shuddered as she recalled some of the worse messes she had cleaned over the years. “Anyway, if I can deal with that, I can certainly handle a little bit of clutter. I just want to make sure it isn’t always like that.

Smiling, Dash nodded. Of course Rarity wouldn’t still be mad! Rarity was awesome, and awesome ponies gave other awesome ponies a break when they messed up. It was like a code of honor or something. “Yeah, I’ll try to keep it cleaner. ‘M just not used to it, y’know?”

“Well, I can handle a little bit of cleaning. Just keep in mind that I’m not a maid.”

“Except for that one night…” Dash said, grinning. Images flashed through her mind, which only made her grin even wider.

Rarity flushed. “That was a one-time thing, Rainbow Dash!” She muttered, “Especially now that you brought it outside the bedroom.”

Dash just laughed as her marefriend’s face continued to redden. If there was one thing she’d learned about Rarity, it was just how cute she could be when Dash teased her. She wondered how embarrassed Rarity would be if she brought up—

“Hey!” shouted somepony down the road, cutting off Dash’s laughter. Rose ran up to Dash. She pulled a slip of paper from her saddlebags and handed it to Dash.

“What’s this?” The paper had a bunch of numbers and a list of different types of flowers. It looked like gibberish to Dash’s untrained eye.

“That,” Rose said, “is the bill for your flowers, which you walked out without paying for.”

Oh. Rarity shot Dash a stern look.

With a sheepish smile, Dash rubbed the back of her neck. “Sorry about that. Kinda forgot, being in a hurry and all.”

“That’s okay.” Rose smirked. “You can just pay me now.”

“Right now?” Dash fidgeted. Rose was awfully close. It seemed doubtful that even Dash could take off without a strong chance of Rose tackling her. Or grabbing her tail, her greatest weakness. If Rarity didn’t love it so much, she’d trim it. “Can’t you take an IOU? I don’t exactly have the bits right now.”

“You don’t have the bits?!” Rose glared at Dash. “Those were some of my best roses!”

Rarity stepped between the two before Rose could strangle Dash. “I can cover it.” Digging into her saddlebags, she pulled out the money and paid the amount owed. With that, Rose headed back to her shop.

Leading Dash back inside, Rarity sighed. She shut the door behind them, then turned to Dash. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Love me?” Dash asked, flashing a cheeky grin.

Hey, it was a valid suggestion, right? She was Rainbow Dash, after all.

Rarity, of course, realized this. She smiled and rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” she said as she nuzzled her marefriend.

Dash pouted. “I’m not cute. Hot, yes. Good-looking? You bet your tail! But not cute.”

Laughing, Rarity pinched Dash’s cheek. “Are you sure about that, dear? That pout is awfully adorable.”

Dash rubbed her cheek. She was not cute! But protesting would get her nowhere, if past experience was any indicator. So instead, she flopped on her haunches and crossed her forelegs. “Y’know, you’re a real pain sometimes.”

“Says the one who was worried that she was too much of a pain.” Rarity booped Dash’s snout.

Ugh. She had a point.

“I plead insanity.” Dash put a hoof on her chest. “You could never give up somepony like me. I’m too awesome to ever give up.”

Rarity giggled. “Is that so?”

“It is.” Puffing out her chest, Dash lifted her head. “Not that I’m arrogant or anything, but I’m probably the best thing to ever happen to you.”

“Mm.” Wrapping her hooves around her marefriend’s barrell, Rarity snuggled up to her. “Well, I would have a hard time denying that.” She kissed Dash’s cheek. “I love you.”

Dash blushed a little. It definitely wasn’t cute, though. She wasn’t like, Fluttershy or somepony else with that whole ‘shy filly’ charm. “Love you too,” she mumbled, turning scarlet.

She lingered in Rarity’s embrace a bit longer than normal. Dash wasn’t mushy or anything, but it was kind of nice to know Rarity still wanted to just be together sometimes. She would have missed that if they hadn’t patched things up.

“It has been a long day, Miss Dash,” Rarity said. “Shall we retire?”

“Well, first…” Dash ruffled her wings. “D’you think you could be a maid again?”

Rarity smirked. “Very well, but just this once.” She sauntered to the stairs, turning back to Dash with half-lidded eyes. “Now come on, I suspect that I’ll need you to lift me to dust the high spots.”

Dash flew up the stairs past Rarity, wasting no time. Cuddling was nice and all, but there was no way she was missing out on an opportunity like this! She circled at the top of the stairs. “Come on, Rarity!”

“Coming, Rainbow!” Rarity giggled as she climbed the stairs. Once she reached the top, Dash hurried her into the bedroom, shutting the door behind them.

Best way to make up ever.