Catherine The Great Comes To Equestria

by Nom_deCheval

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1000

Celestia does not approve of this title. She wants to talk about it.

Princess Celestia just read the title of this story. She's not too happy about it. Luna and she have a little talk.

Rated Mature for language and suggestiveness. There is no actual sex in the story. Nor is there actually Catherine the Great.

Published 2015-10-20 05:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-20 05:30:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Unmoving, she stood there, patiently, simply staring upwards. For a brief moment her eyes squinted almost shut, as though she were trying to focus on what she was seeing with a little more clarity. Her mouth opened up, and at first it seemed like she wasn’t going to say anything, but that changed soon enough.

“Are you kidding me?” Celestia asked to no pony in particular.

“What is it, sister?” Luna inquired as she walked into the scene.

“The title. Look at it.” Celestia nodded upwards.

Following her sister’s guide, Luna turned her head up, twisting it slightly side-to-side after she did.

“Who is this Catherine, and what is it that makes her great?” she asked.

“She was a human queen,” Celestia answered. “She reformed her country and was responsible for what many consider some of the finest achievements of the era.”

“Why would she venture into Equestria?” Luna turned back to look at her sister.

“Because she…” Celestia raised her hoof up and rubbed the bridge of her muzzle. “There is a tale that she enjoyed having sex with horses.”

“What?!” Luna’s eyes suddenly took up the majority of her face. “That’s disgusting!”

“Well, that was the attitude of the humans as well,” Celestia explained. “But it is also a lie. She never did such a thing. She—”

“Then why would she venture from the human world to ours?” Luna interrupted.

“Well, to have sex with horses, but—”

“You just said she didn’t do that,” Luna turned her whole body to face her sister.

“She didn’t. It was just a story, and the writer is obviously trying to play upon that lie to craft a story where she ventures here for that purpose.” Celestia pointed up with her hoof. “Look at the way that he phrased it. She ‘comes’ to Equestria. The title even has vague sexual overtones.”

“Ah! I see what you mean. The author has used the word ‘come’ as a vague allusion to having an orgasm.” Luna nodded.

“Yes, yes, that’s exactly what I mean. When he states—”

“I don’t think it would work,” Luna said with a firm nod.

Celestia blinked. “What wouldn’t work?”

“The orgasm. I do not believe a human woman would be able to have an orgasm with a horse,” Luna said.

“What? That’s not the point.” Celestia shook her head.

“Of course it is. Think about it from a scale perspective. A human and a horse from their world are far different in scale. The penis of a stallion in that world would likely physically damage her, rather than give her any pleasure.” Luna pulled her lips tight as her hoof came up to scratch her chin.

“Well, of course, Luna. But that wasn’t even the point of the original story about the human. It was more a tale to discredit the woman brought about by her rivals,” Celestia answered. “She was known to be quite promiscuous, and there were some who wanted to embarrass her both socially and politically, so they extended that fact to say that she went so far as to engage in sexual acts with animals of that world. Horses in the human world do not have the intelligence that we in Equestria have, after all.”

“Oh! Perhaps that is why the human is wanting to venture to Equestria!” Luna’s eyes lit up.

Celestia stared at her, mouth open, waiting for more. Finally, she replied, “What is why—”

“The matter of scale!” Luna nodded curtly. “Ponies in Equestria—with the exception of you, myself, and only a hoof-ful of others—are far smaller than the horses of the human world. Perhaps this Catherine woman would find their size much more accommodating.”

A single hoof rose up, almost wanting to point towards Luna, but Celestia put it back on the ground. “Luna, I don’t think that’s what is going on.”

“No, no, think on it, sister. A human female would be able to bend over to a position not unlike a mare, and that would allow a stallion to—”

“I understand the physics of the concept!” Celestia shouted.

“Anatomy,” Luna corrected. “This is a matter of anatomy, and not physics. Though I can see why you would be confused by it.”

“Whatever!” Celestia’s wings flared out for a second, before she pulled them back in tightly. “My point is that the sick bastard who came up with the title was just wanting to entice people into thinking that it was a story about a desperate, slutty human woman fucking some stallion over here!”

Luna stood there, staring intently into the larger mare’s eyes. “There is no need for that language, sister.”

“I don’t fucking care!” Celestia pointed straight up with her hoof. “There is no way that I am going to let that twisted little fuck tell some sick-ass tale about a woman coming over to Equestria for the express purpose of getting her pussy reamed-out by Big Mac, Shining Armor, or whatever stallion-of-the-day is thrust—very literally—into that little idea!” Her hoof slammed down onto the ground, creating a thunderous sound that echoed for a full second. “I am canceling this story.”

There was a heartbeat’s pause.

“Just like that?” Luna asked calmly.

“Yes, Luna. Just like that!” her sister shouted back.

“Even though you don’t know for a fact that this was going to be a story about this human woman having sex with a stallion?” Luna’s voice remained calm and even.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that’s what it was going to be about, so yes, I am.” Celestia raised her head up slowly, letting a soft smile caress her face. “The story is canceled.”

A heavy silence hung in the air between them. Luna slowly began to nod her head, and then took in a deep breath.

“Wow, you really need to get laid,” Luna finally stated.

Celestia’s mouth dropped open and she glared at her sister.

“Fuck you,” Celestia said and began to trot off. “Oh, and this story is over. Right now.”