Shatter Me

by PRlNCESS CADENCE

Rating: teen
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Tragedy, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rarity, Spike
Length: 5112

Rarity struggles with the thought of ending her own life.

Rarity is living out her dreams. She's designed clothing for all kinds of celebrities, worked in several different locations and made plenty of friends. Why, then, does she feel so empty?

Published 2015-10-20 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-20 05:40:02 UTC

Shatter Me

Knock, knock, knock!

Rarity turned in her bed, hoping she could just ignore whomever was at the door while she silently debated with herself whether or not it was important. She knew that it was probably noon by now, despite her satin curtains shielding her from the majority of the light entering the room and her cotton eye mask blocking out the rest, but as much as she knew she needed to be productive somehow today, she just couldn't muster the motivation she needed to leave her bed.

Knock, knock, knock!

Rarity inhaled a deep breath and mumbled as loud as she could, "Just a minute!" She hoped that she could get down the stairs and answer the door before she heard that ear-shattering knocking sound again, but this became increasingly difficult once she realized how hard it was just to cast a spell to pull her eyeguard off of her face. Once she had pulled herself onto her hooves, however, she at least had the energy to speed walk to her bedroom door, hoping she wouldn't stumble as she wobbled herself down the stairs as quickly as her sleepy legs would let her.

The white mare's door opened up, immediately engulfing her boutique in the blinding light of the noonday sun, forcing Rarity's eyes to squint as much of a shadow as her eyelids would allow. Hovering above her doorstep was a gray mare in a brown outfit with a smile that was the very antithesis of Rarity's squinting scowl.

"Hey there, Rarity!" the mailmare shouted happily. "I wasn't sure if you were home. I've got a letter for you."

Using her horn, the white mare levitated the sparkling envelope to her face, adjusting her eyes to make out who it was writing to her.

"Hmmm... Sassy Saddles," Rarity said in her deep morning voice. "Well thank you, miss mailmare. You have a good--"

"Boy, you sound like you just woke up."

Rarity wasn't sure whether or not she should have been offended, but quickly realized that she didn't care either way. "Yes, well I just had a long day yesterday and I suppose I lost track of--"

"You gonna open up the shop today?"

"Yes, yes. In a little bit. Just give me some time to make myself a little more..." Rarity yawned loudly, "...presentable."

"Alrighty, then! See you la--"

The door slammed, and Rarity was already making her way to the kitchen to prepare herself breakfast and read her letter. She meandered through her cupboard to see if anything really caught her eye, but the idea of having Mini Oats for breakfast again bored her too much to take it seriously. She then switched gears and opened up her fridge, her mind functioning on autopilot as her tired brain couldn't pick up anything that wasn't brightly colored and preferably sweet.

Closing the door and moving onto wherever her muscle memory would take her next, she opened up the freezer, shivering slightly in the cold breeze that attacked her nerves. Giving the selection two quick look throughs and seeing nothing healthy that caught her eye, she decided to give up looking and just grab a carton of strawberry ice cream.

I can be healthy tomorrow, she thought to herself. She knew this would probably just make ice cream for breakfast a habit, but she didn't care. What was the point of having ice cream if she couldn't eat it?

Pulling out a spoon from her utensils drawer, she took a seat by her table and opened up her letter, eating very unladylike as she read.

Dear Rarity,
I hope all is going well for you. I haven't seen any letters from you recently, and I haven't seen you here in Canterlot in ages! Still, I'm sure your Ponyville shop is keeping you as busy as ever. Well, that and your friendship duties as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that sales have been going well. It has been a bit of a struggle without any new designs in the past few weeks, but I'm sure you're already well aware! I don't mean to rush you, but some of the regulars have been asking when we'd be receiving new product, and quite frankly, I don't know what to tell them. Could you please give me an idea of when I could receive new product here? It would really help things on my end.

Your dear friend,
Sassy Saddles

And just like that, Rarity didn't feel much like eating anymore. Leaving the letter and its torn envelope on the table, she lazily threw her ice cream back into the freezer and tossed her spoon into her sink, which was already overflowing with dirty dishes.

I'll get to it eventually, she told herself. I just don't have time right now.

Rarity then walked into her bathroom, pulled off her fluffy pink robe and looked at herself in the mirror, trying not to wince as she saw how disgusting she looked after waking up. Her mane and coat were messy, and she stared at her reflection in a way that said, "Is it even worth styling my mane today?"

Eventually, however, she pulled enough motivation to brush her hair, put on her makeup and finally feel woken up enough to actually get started on work. As soon as she walked into her designing room, though, she saw her cluttered mess and instantly remembered why she hadn't shipped any designs to Sassy Saddles recently. It's not a mess; it's organized chaos! It wasn't. She felt so overwhelmed with her mess and lack of creativity that for the past few days, she would lay on the ground, stare at her designs until she couldn't take the stress anymore and find an excuse to leave.

Rarity wanted to leave already, but knowing her luck, she was afraid that as soon as she walked out the door, she would run into the mailmare again, who would say, "Shouldn't you be working on your dresses?"

Ugh... How does Twilight manage to stay so dedicated?

A lightbulb appeared over her head. "That's it! I'll see if Twilight has any ideas!"

With newfound happiness that she could leave her dreadful, messy workstation, she galloped her way to Twilight's castle, trying to block out the voice in her head telling her that she was just looking for an excuse.

***

Twilight ran her eyes like bullets across the pages of her book while Rarity paced in circles behind her, gazing at the vast collection that Twilight kept in her library. Seeing that Rarity wasn't exactly making any progress in finding anything, the alicorn looked down at her assistant, who shrugged in response.

"So," Twilight said, looking for a way to ask what Rarity was doing. "Have you found what you were looking for?"

"Hmm?" the white mare said, barely glancing at her friend. "Oh, not yet." Rarity then went back to pacing around. With a second more serious look, Twilight turned to her assistant again, silently asking Spike for more help, but Spike shrugged again, silently answering that he would do something if he knew what to say.

"So uhh... What are you looking for, again?"

"Oh, come now, Darling. Y-you know."

The purple mare shot a third look to the dragon, but by the time she made eye contact, he was already shrugging. "Uhhh... No, I don't. Maybe you could be a little more specific?"

Rarity stopped pacing and sighed in defeat. "Ohhh, I guess I don't know either. I suppose I just need something to help reinvigorate me, something that will give me inspiration."

"Oh! I'm sure we can find you something for that!"

"I'm not so sure, Twilight. This is my destiny, something I've loved since I was a little filly, even before I first got my cutie mark! But... if this is what I love, then why am I struggling with it so much? Why, then, do I feel so... shattered?"

"Don't worry, Rarity. You're just in a funk! It happens to everypony."

"Really? You're telling me that you've been in a 'funk' like this?"

"Maybe not in the same way, but I've definitely had my fair share of mental blocks. Here." Twilight's horn began to glow its familiar aura, pulling out a book from a high up shelf and bringing it down to Rarity's level until Rarity caught it with her own aura. "This book is about how the brain works. I know it's not something you'd normally read, but maybe it could give you some decent insights on how to get the juices flowing again."

Rarity stared at the ratty old book, wondering to herself whether or not she really wanted to accept the offer. "Erm... Twilight?"

"I'll tell you what. If you promise to give this book a chance tonight, I'll give you permission as my friend to take the rest of the day off."

"Really?" For some reason, having the encouragement of a friend to be lazy for the rest of the day took all the pressure off of her mind, even if it did mean she would have to read some smelly, dirty book. It was nice just being told that she didn't have to run a business and that taking a little bit of time to relax was OK. "You have my word, Twilight. I'll come back tomorrow completely rejuvenated and filled with ideas!"

Twilight giggled. "I can see you're excited, so I'll let you get back to your day off."

"Oh, you're absolutely right! Tata, Twilight!"

The princess waved her friend out the door, but as soon as the doors clicked shut, Spike grabbed her by the mane and pulled her in. "Did Rarity seem a little... off to you?" the assistant asked.

"Oh, relax, Spike. I'm sure she'll be better by tomorrow."

"...You really have a lot of faith in your books, don't you?"

"It was a good one!" Twilight snapped defensively. Spike, however, gave her a dull, unconvinced stare. "At least I thought it was. Give her time. I'm sure she'll be back to normal by tomorrow."

***

Rarity almost made herself something healthy for dinner, but after seeing all the dirty dishes she still had left in the sink, she decided to keep it simple and stick with a pack of hay chips. This was her day off, and she wasn't going to let her better judgement keep her from enjoying it as much as she could! Instead, she laid on her couch watching sappy romance flicks until it got dark out, which sounded like the perfect time for a bubble bath!

Steaming water poured into the tub with the loud sound of water crashing against water bouncing against her walls as glistening transparent spheres began to form towards the surface. Rarity placed a few dimly-lit candles onto the edge of the tub, barely illuminating the scenery with the subtle scent of cinnamon sugar fluttering in a way she could almost taste. Finally, the stress was gone and she could just let the water soak into her nerves to wash away all of her negative emotions.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea. Sassy Saddles is still counting on me to help her run the store.

Rarity shook her head.

But this is my day off! Surely she'll be fine for just one more day... Although she's already waited for 3 weeks... Oh, snap out of it, Rarity! You'd be sending her new designs if you had ideas to send her, but right now, you don't, and it is far past business hours.

Rarity sunk into the tub until half her muzzle was covered in bubbles.

What's happening to me? This was my dream to be a fashion designer in Canterlot. Why is it making me so miserable all of a sudden?

Suddenly, Rarity pulled herself over the lip of the tub, coughing violently as soap shot out of her lungs. Apparently she had drifted so far into the water that she unknowingly engulfed her entire muzzle. The pain of soap in her nostrils was enough to make the mare tear up in response, and every time she would sniff, the pain returned as strong as ever.

Ugh. I might as well read that book now.

Sadly, Rarity got out of the tub, dried herself quickly and unplugged the tub, seeing what was supposed to be making her happy being pulled violently down the drain.

With her pink, fluffy robe wrapped around her waist, Rarity flopped onto her bed and began skimming through the pages, but unfortunately, she was already bored. Surely Twilight didn't expect her to read the whole book (although that would definitely be like her), so instead the white mare flipped through until she saw a picture that caught her eye.

Hmm... Unicorn magic? Rarity flipped onto her stomach, suddenly engulfed in the text that illustrated the section. A unicorn develops magic in the center of the cerebral cortex, the area of the brain responsible for thought and action. It works in tandem with the medulla, which takes the energy from the rest of the body and converts it into magical radiation, commonly referred to as an "aura."

Rarity flipped the page, eyes glued to the text within.

Consequently, the horn works as a lightning rod as well as a control tower. It is an excellent conductor of magic, which is why the horn illuminates when unicorns perform magic. The cerebrum keeps the magical radiation focused until it sends out the order for the task to be performed and the aura is ejected onto its target.

As interesting as this was, none of it was giving her the extra spark she needed to design another outfit. She continued flipping through page after page until she saw a picture of a mirror.

Maybe this is it. Let's see... Mirrors act as a natural repellant against magic. It contrasts with all forms of energy, including light, breaking the light spectrum and giving it a perfect white color, which reflects all the particles back, creating what you see as a mirror image.

"That's it! I'll make a mirror dress!" Rarity smiled wide, but as quickly as it came, it dissolved off of her face, which was now buried into her hooves. "No, that's stupid! It's stupid! It's stupid! It's STUUUPIIIIID!!!"

Rarity bawled into her sheets with what little voice she had left. She had screamed so loudly that she had torn her vocal cords, making even her crying painful. Despite how much it physically hurt, though, she held on tighter to her blanket and wailed her broken heart out. Her world was crashing around her. Her career, her drive, and her most cherished passion were crumbling into nothing, and no matter how much she screamed, she knew there was nothing she could do about it.

Using her bare hooves, she grabbed the book and tossed it onto the floor, taking her anger out on it like the text was the reason for her anguish. With a little more room on her bed, she grabbed hold of more blanket, stuffed her face inside and screamed again at the top of her lungs, no matter how much it hurt doing it. Her sniffling had become so stifling that she had to heave in air between sobs, just so she could keep herself alive.

Alive...

Rarity stopped crying. Looking up from her sheets, she noticed that standing in the corner of her room was a polished, mahogany wood, gold-paneled floor mirror, and in its perfect white reflection was a far from perfect white mare, face covered in makeup which ran down her cheeks in her liquid pain. With a gulp, Rarity got an idea.

Everything she lived for was now either shrouded in anhedonia or on the verge of disappearing from her life completely. Her very cutie mark, which gave her a sense of purpose in life, had the image of a goal she could no longer accomplish. The stress of just making it day to day was becoming so overwhelming that waking up in and of itself needed to be added to her to-do list. How she wished she didn't have to wake up anymore. How she wished she could just sleep and dream forever.

She'd never have to worry about finishing a design in time. She'd never have to worry about managing multiple boutiques at the same time. She'd never have to worry about the bills, which were becoming so daunting that she didn't know how she would manage to make it through the upcoming months.

No... I can't! I CAN'T! The-there's so much to live for! I can't just abandon everypony! I-I-I have to live for them!

How, though? How would she manage to get through this when things were only becoming increasingly difficult to manage? She could no longer run her business anymore. Everyday became a hopeless fight against her own depression, and she would always lose, waking up at noon and worrying about her future until the depression carried her back to sleep.

This way, I wouldn't have to wake up. Oh, stop it, Rarity! You have a family and friends! They'd do anything for you! The thought of leaving behind her poor baby sister, however, caused Rarity to begin sobbing again. Then why can't I do everything for them?!

Rarity buried her face back into her pillows as her head span chaotically. Suddenly, the only thing she could concentrate on anymore was her own breathing, which was making her increasingly light headed with each breath she took. In, out. In, out. In... Out...

***

Knock, knock, knock.

The door opened, revealing a happy lavender mare standing behind it. "Oh, hello, Rarity!" she said with a smile. "Come on in!"

Rarity entered inside, her head hung low in a mixture of embarrassment and anxiety. "So," Twilight continued, "how did you like the book?"

"Ah, yes," the white mare replied. "The book... I actually found it rather... educational. In fact, I was wondering if you could tell me a little about it."

"Sure! I've only read it once or twice, but maybe I can still clear some things up for you."

The unicorn bit her lip, eyes darting across the room. "Well, it talked about mirrors."

"Oh! I know exactly what you're talking about! When you cast a spell at it, it bounces off. I learned that one the hard way after nearly starting a fire at the old library."

"Yes, well... What would happen if you cast a spell directly at the center or the mirror?"

Twilight tilted her head. "It... would bounce back in the direction it came. Not sure why you'd ever want that, though."

"I DON'T!" Twilight flinched, taking a step back and trying to slow her heart rate down. "I mean... I was just curious. Heheh."

"Oh, well is that all?"

Rarity broke eye contact and traced a circle on the ground with her hoof. "I also read that unicorn horns can attract magic as well as they cast it. What would happen if somepony cast--oh, I don't know--a disfiguration spell on another unicorn's horn?"

"Rarity." Twilight was now feeling concerned. "That's kind of dark."

"Oh, you know, morbid curiosity heheheheh."

Twilight blinked. "Well, that would kill the pony."

"Would it hurt?" Rarity put her hoof to her mouth, hoping she hadn't blurted out too much.

"Yes! It would completely destroy both your medulla and cerebral cortex. That would hurt a lot! Your pain receptors are responsible for keeping your body safe, so if you're in a state where you could actually die, you'll be in a massive amount of pain no matter what way it happens."

"Ah..." Rarity hung her head down, frowning solemnly.

"Why the sudden curiosity in--"

"One more question. What if you were to be casting a spell when you were hit with the disfiguration spell?"

"That wouldn't save you. It would just amplify the effects, making it go by twice as fast."

Rarity smiled, but as she looked into Twilight's eyes, she began choking back tears. Quickly, she wrapped her hoof around Twilight's neck, bringing her into a tight hug and praying that Twilight wouldn't be able to feel her chest pushing back her emotions. This would be the last time she ever saw Twilight again, and she wanted her last hug to be as meaningful as she could make it. After these long few years of friendship, everything Twilight had ever done for her had to be repaid in one last hug.

"I never knew how much you liked neuroscience," the lavender mare said with an awkward chuckle, returning the hug. As Rarity felt her friend's hoof wrap around her, however, she knew she wouldn't be able to hold back the tears much longer and that it was time to go.

"Yes. Science. Thank you so much, Twilight. Really, I don't know how I could ever repay you."

"Awww, you don't have to do anything for me. What are friends for?"

This was it. Time to say good bye.

"Listen, I have to get going now, but here's your book. And p-please tell Spike that I came by. And give him a hug for me! Good bye, Twilight!"

With that, Rarity floated the old, tattered book to Twilight, ran out the door and began racing towards her house, pulling a pair of designer sunglasses out of her saddlebag so nopony could see how much she was crying. Twilight, however, just looked on in shock, shaking her head and picking up the book in a magical aura.

"Who was that?" Spike said, walking into the hallway.

"It was Rarity..."

"And you didn't come get me?!"

"She said she had to go, but to give you a hug for her."

"Wait, really?"

"She was acting really weird."

"Ehh, probably stress from being such an important pony. You said it yourself, didn't you, Twi?"

With a sigh of relief, she gave Spike a hug for her friend. "Yeah, I hope you're right, Spike."

***

Rarity finally made it to her house and flung off her saddle bag. She then raced up the stairs before she had the chance to think twice or stop herself, knowing full well that the only way she could make this happen was if she just went in head first.

With her blood rushing like daggers through her veins, she made it into her room, and looking her dead in the eye was her own reflection, looking panicked, confused and angry. Without thinking, she lit her horn, aiming for the center of the mirror, but as soon as she noticed how scared she looked, she collapsed onto the ground, crying again.

Maybe I should say good bye to a few more ponies first? No, I can't do that. Twilight was hard enough. There would be no way I'd be able to tell my friends or Sw--

Rarity stopped breathing for a few moments before screaming at the top of her lungs, "SWEEEETIE BEEEELLE!" Tears cascaded down her face with as much force as a storm at the thought of saying her final good byes and imagining the look on poor Sweetie Belle's face. "I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T LEAVE MY BABY SISTER!"

After several long breaths, though, Rarity returned to her hooves and closed her eyes.

I can't force myself to live just so nopony gets hurt. This is my life, and I can't go on living for somepony else. If they love me, they'll understand.

Rarity then lifted her head, opened her eyes and looked square in the face of her reflection again.

OK, Rarity. You can do this.

***

Twilight sat at her desk, rereading one of her favorites. She never really spent much time reading fiction books, so when she got the opportunity, it was definitely a calming change of pace.

"Hey, Twilight!" Spike said pointing to his friend's flank. "Look at this!"

Twilight stopped and looked down, suddenly smiling wide as she saw her cutie mark illuminated and flashing across her body. "A friendship problem! Oooo I wonder where the map is gonna send me!"

The alicorn and dragon both skipped happily to the map to see where Twilight was being summoned, but as soon as they saw where Twilight's cutie mark was flashing, they both cocked an eyebrow.

"Why is...?" Twilight began.

"Isn't this Rarity's house?" Spiked asked.

"It looks like it, but why--" Suddenly, Twilight's pupils dilated. "Spike, we have to go now!"

"But what--"

"NOW, SPIKE!" Without saying another word, Spike had scarcely managed to grab onto Twilight's mane as she jumped into the air and began flying towards the door. "Ohhhh I just hope we're not too late!"

"What's going on, Twilight?" The alicorn didn't answer, praying that her theory wasn't right. Spike, though, put his claw gently to Twilight's neck and said softly, "Twilight, you're scaring me."

With a heavy gulp, she pushed back some tears of her own and said as calmly as she could, "I don't know what's going on. We're just going to have to get there as soon as we can and hope that everything is alright."

"...Do you think Rarity's OK?"

Twilight took another deep breath. "No... I think Rarity is trying to kill herself."

"WHAT?! Hurry, Twilight! Please! We have to get there in time!"

"I'm trying! Please, Rarity. Please be OK."

***

The white unicorn took a long deep breath before silently exhaling it through her nose, trying to keep herself as calm as she could. Looking deep into the mirror, she positioned her horn to where it would be directly center. This was the most terrifying thing she had ever had to deal with, but even though she was shaking like a filly with fright, she had to be strong. It would all be over soon.

"You can do this. You can do this. You can do this."

A bright blue aura began to shine at the tip of Rarity's horn, getting larger and stronger as the unicorn put all of her energy into this one spell. She could feel the energy being collected from every part of her body, from her hooves to her heart, surging into her horn in vibrating waves. Finally, standing tall, she took a few more deep breaths and looked back into the mirror, giving herself one last look.

"Goodbye, Sweetie Belle."

***

Twilight and Spike had made it all the way to Rarity's boutique, but just as they began making their way down from the sky, the window to Rarity's room illuminated a piercing blue light with an ear-shattering, "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"RAAAARIIIITYYYYYY!!!!!"

Spike jumped off of Twilight, still several feet in the air, but despite how much the landing hurt, he needed to make his way up the stairs. Twilight quickly galloped after him, her heart beating faster than her hooves which moved frantically in desperation. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be happening.

Spike burst through the door to see Rarity being lifted off the ground, her horn glowing a bright spell which shot into the mirror and reflected back onto her horn. Rarity turned her eyes as much as she could, seeing Spike's face in more of a panic than she could have ever imagined. "Spike?"

"Rarity! You can't do this!" Spike shouted. "You have friends and family who love you! I..." Spike broke down, collapsing to his hands and knees, now crying like a child. "I love you, Rarity! Please!"

"Rarity, I'm begging you!" Twilight pleaded. "Please, stop this spell!"

"Use your magic, Twilight!" Spike yelled, grabbing ahold of Twilight.

"I can't, Spike." With tears in her eyes, she said, "If I try to interfere, it would just accelerate it. She would die instantly."

"No..."

"Spike... Twilight..." Rarity cried. "Tell my family I love them."

And with one last scream, the mirror shattered as the spell made its final surge into Rarity's horn, piercing her forehead... and killing her instantly.

Rarity fell from the air and hit the ground, motionless. Silence rang painfully in their ears as the alicorn and dragon waited for the unicorn to make some sign that she was still alive... But she didn't move. Spike then walked over to the corpse lying on the floor, placing his claw on her shoulder like there was some way she could come back, but as the little dragon looked on, all he could see was a motionless mare who was finally at peace.

Spike collapsed onto his friend's body, covering his face in his arms, but far too traumatized to be able to cry. Silently, Twilight made her way over to the both of them and wrapped them both in a solemn, sad hug. As much as it hurt to say it, Twilight opened her mouth and said with a tear in her eye, "I couldn't make it in time... I'm so sorry!" The princess then collpased onto Rarity's body, mourning over the life they were too late to save.

***

Two days later.

Never was there a funeral like the one for Rarity. Her mother cried on her husband's shoulder, while he was left to be strong for his wife and daughter, even in the face of his firstborn child's death. Sweetie Belle had been a wreck for the past two days, unable to cope with the fact that her big sister, her hero in everything, couldn't be there for her anymore.

Along with them came the entire town of Ponyville, her acquaintances from Canterlot, and of course, her friends. Her closest friends. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Twilight and Spike. It was the first time they had all cried together, and as they watched Rarity's coffin slowly sink into the ground, they all took out their necklaces, which symbolized the beginning of their unforgettable friendship. These necklaces may not have contained the elements of harmony anymore, but they would never forget the sixth member, with the diamond cutie mark.

The funeral had ended, and one by one, each pony made their way home, a little piece of them gone, left there at the burial grounds. By the end of it, Spike and Twilight were the only two that remained, and as the lavender princess then looked down at her dragon, who gave her a solemn nod, she silently laid Rarity's own necklace onto her grave.

Finally, as she looked upon Rarity's grave with a sniffle and a heavy heart, she closed her eyes and sang, "She was the toast of the town, the girl on the go. She was the type of pony everypony, everypony should know..."

Author's Note

Video to commemorate the life of Rarity.
https://youtu.be/CwTqjDhxYq0