One Day in Canterlot...

by Kirb

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe
Length: 3069

Celestia and Luna meet an old foe, and it's not Discord.

Princesses Celestia and Luna get interviewed by an old rival of Celestia's. At first it seems like a normal interview, but then things start getting a little strange as the interviewer discovered things about the royal sisters that no one had ever known before…

This is a side-project to IUT and HOF, and it's only one chapter long. First oneshot, oh yeah. Also, this will probably get the fans wondering.

One more thing: this is my first fanfiction with the refined Kirb Hysteria, after I got him critiqued at http://fan-oc-critique.tumblr.com/ a while back. Just saying.

Read on deviantART: http://flyingbrickanimation.deviantart.com/art/One-Day-in-Canterlot-305604424

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-02 07:54:01 UTC

One Day in Canterlot...

It was a bright and sunny morning as the sun rose in Canterlot. Princess Celestia, having performed her duties of rising the sun, smiled as she walked through the halls of the large castle and passed a room where she saw her younger sister Princess Luna sleeping.

As she continued onward, she passed her royal subjects in the tower, all of whom bowed to her as she passed.

"As you were," she said.

A red unicorn stallion with a green mane approached her, using his magic to hold a stack of papers.

"More letters for you, Your Magesty," said the unicorn, handing her the stack with his magic.

"Thank you," said the princess with a smile. The stallion did a quick bow and then left. Celestia left for another room, where she lay down on a couch and started sorting through the letters.

"Let's see..." she said, lifting up the first letter. "Here's one from Twilight, probably another friendship report." Though they were always fun to read, Twilight's friendship reports had become increasingly similar as of late. She placed the letter in a pile next to her.

"There's also one from Captain Armor. Can't wait to hear how he's doing on his honeymoon with Cadence." She also placed that letter in said pile. She would read those later.

"Here's some fanmail, more fanmail, even more fanmail..." Celestia sighed as she rolled them up into paper balls and threw them in a trash can on the other side of the room.

Finally, she came across the final one. Ready to throw it in the trash just like the rest of them, the princess eyed it and paused. This was no ordinary fanletter. Unlike most of them, this one had no return address, and what was weirder was that, in the place where there should have been one, instead there lay a capital K printed in red font.

The alicorn was confused. Only personal acquaintances would leave only their name there with no return address, but nobody had ever left one with only a letter there.

Now who do I know whose name begins with K? Celestia thought as she opened the envelope and read the letter. There was very little print there, only three lines, and it had all appeared to have been written out with a typewriter. As she read it, the princess gasped.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have to speak to in private. I will meet with you in your castle on June 5.

~K

There it was, that K again. It baffled her that, in all her years as a princess, she never had any acquaintances whose name began with a K. Well, no one who was currently alive.

She checked the time on the calendar. June 5. Whoever this K was, she would soon find out.

As if on cue, one of her royal guards ran in at that time.

"Princess Celestia!" said the guard. "There is a stallion outside who is extremely eager to see you!"

"Send him in," said the alicorn. Under normal circumstances she would have requested a guard to be by her side, but her curiosity was too strong this time.

As she stood up off the couch, a black pegasus stallion, probably mid-20s, flew in. This pegasus had a blue mane with a bright green stripe going right down the center. His eyes were covered by a pair of sunglasses, one lens orange and the other green. He was wearing a brown cloak that covered most of the rest of his body. He also carried a backpack. When the princess saw him, she frowned. She knew exactly who he was.

"Kirby Hysteria," she said.

"Hello again, Princess," said the stallion with a smirk on his face. "I'm surprised you still remember my name. Remember, of course, that I prefer to be called Kirb, but I guess I'm just glad that you got the rest of my name right."

"Oh, I remember you all right," said Celestia. "I remember how you urinated in the name of Equestria and gave me a bad reputation which still stands today!"

"Psh," said Kirb, sitting down in a chair next to the princess. "All I did was suggest the concept of democracy and everypony freaked out. And what bad reputation? Everypony was all concerned about you having gone missing at the SSC two years ago. That doesn't sound like a bad reputation to me. Anyway, I guess a princess has the power to set double standards and get away with it. Remember how you exiled me from Equestria? Remember all the humiliation I got? Remember how my politician's license was taken, too, so that if I ever did come back, I couldn't have a job?"

"You have a keen memory, Kirb," said Celestia, "but something you don't remember is me warning you that if democracy were to actually happen, it would throw all of Equestria into chaos."

"Oh, shut up," said Kirb. "You're just saying that to hide the facts: that you don't want to give up your throne."

The princess, eager to change the subject, paused and then asked, "Did you send me that letter?"

"Why yes," said Kirb, "yes I did."

"Why?"

"Well, obviously to tell you that I was coming before I arrived."

"Oh. Hey, wait a second! I banished you! You shouldn't be here!"

"Wrong. In case you have forgotten, Princess, you only banished me for ten years."

"Right."

As Kirb got up off the chair, Celestia whispered, "Wish it'd been more..."

"I heard that!" said Kirb, turning his head to Celestia quickly so she had heard. "I'm not deaf, you know."

"So where did you go?" asked the alicorn. "You would've died in the Everfree Forest, the dragons would have killed you if you tried to hang with them, and the Griffins..."

"Screw them all!" said Kirb. "I didn't need any of them. Instead, I lived in the old abandoned sewers of Equestria. The smell was bad, but not too bad, since nopony had used them since forever."

"Ah."

"Now that I'm back, though, I've decided to leave the past behind me, and I hope you will do so too."

"Okay..." The alicorn was still suspicious of the Pegasus, but nonetheless, she continued to listen.

"Since my politician's license is gone, I've decided to take up writing."

"Sorry, Kirb, but I can't imagine your name being on one of the bestselling books next to Daring Do at the library."

"I'm not going to write fiction."

"So what's it going to be? An autobiography? I can see it now: How I screwed up my life by talking dirty about Princess Celestia and how I had to spend ten years in the sewer because of it by Kirb Hysteria."

"No, I've decided to take up journalism instead."

"Oh?" The princess was surprised.

"Yep! I got a weekly column in the Fillydelphia Times. It's almost as popular as the Gabby Gums column back when she was writing. I still can't believe that a school newspaper became so popular."

"And...?"

"Let me cut to the chase scene: I've come here to write a column about you, and I have come for an interview."

"Oh!" The princess smiled. She was liking the new Kirb more and more. "Well, I can accept that! Here, let's go into one of my rooms. I want to be private when answering questions from the paparazzi."

The Pegasus followed the alicorn down the hall, through one of the side-doors and into a room. As the princess sat down, something underneath her moved.

"Ugh..."

Celestia heard a voice and quickly stood back up. Turning around, she saw Princess Luna lying on the couch, apparently having been asleep before the interruption. Luna opened her eyes.

"Tia?" she said in a tired voice. "What's up?"

"Oh!" said Celestia. "Sorry about that, Luna. I'm just so hyper about getting interviewed that I sat on you when leading Kirb into this room to do his interview."

"Whuh?" Luna glanced at Kirb. "Who is that?"

"That is Kirb Hysteria. You remember me telling you about him?"

"You mean the politician that spoke nasty about you ten years ago?" A look of rage filled Luna's eyes as she spoke in her Nightmare Moon voice.

"No, no, no!" reassured Celestia. "He's okay, really! He's now a journalist and he wants to interview me!"

"Oh." Luna got up out of bed. "Well, good for you, Tia! I guess I'll just leave now..."

"Wait!" interrupted Kirb. "I think you should stay, Princess Luna! I'd love to interview you as well! Sales will surely skyrocket if I interview not one, but two of the royal sisters! I mean, if you want to."

Luna thought for a second, then glanced over at Celestia, who nodded. Turning back to Kirb, Luna smiled.

"We would be honored to have you interview us!" said Luna in her Nightmare Moon voice, but then she stopped and said (in her normal voice), "I mean, I would be honored. But can I go change first?"

"Certainly," said Kirb.

...

A few minutes later, Princess Luna had returned, now wearing her normal crown and royal garb instead of her nightgown that she had worn earlier. As she entered, she saw Kirb had taken off his cloak, and noticed that his cutie mark was a hand pointing a finger. Kirb had also taken off his backpack, and unloaded a typewriter from it.

"Ah, you're back," said Kirb. "Now let's get to it! Question #1: How does it feel to be in charge of everypony in the country?"

Minutes rolled by of Kirb asking questions, Celestia and Luna giving answers, and Kirb writing them down.

"Who are your favorite modern bands/artists?"

"Luna, after spending a millennium on the moon, how does it feel to come back and adjust to everything having changed?"

"Celestia, now that the elements of harmony are controlled by Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy, this is a mandatory question: what do you think about them?"

"Have either of you ever considered modelling?"

"What do you two see for the future of Equestria?"

"How are negotiations going with the Griffins?"

It was about an hour later when Kirb came to his 20th question.

"Do you have anything to say to the fans of the Fillydelphia Times?"

"Yes," said Luna. "I have never been to your town, but I am planning on visiting soon, whenever I have the spare time! And preferably at night."

"I have something to say too," said Celestia. "The next SSC will be hosted in your town, so be there! Also, you guys rock!"

Kirb finished typing his notes, but instead of pulling the paper out of his typewriter, he left it in

"The interview's almost over," he said, "but I have just one more question."

"Anything."

Kirb took his sunglasses off and looked at the two princesses.

"Have you ever heard of a pony named Gallant Bristle?"

The two alicorns suddenly flinched. Nonetheless, they continued.

"Why yes, he was an astronomer from about 1,600 years ago," said Celestia. "Why?"

"Well," said Kirb, "then surely you're familiar with his theories?"

"Um..." said Celestia nervously.

"Gallant Bristle," began Kirb, "was an astronomer who mostly nobody remembers nowadays. He had theories that the planets, including Equestria, all circled the sun and not the other way around."

"Ha, silly astronomers and their crazy theories," said Celestia, trying to brush it off.

"Yes!" said Luna. "Now shouldn't you be going? I thought that was your last question."

"Just a second!" said Kirb. "Let me finish! Anyway, are they just theories? He made observations with his telescope to prove them true! And before him, Nicolaus Coltpernacus, another astronomer, had made the same observations! But you know what's really interesting? Right after making said observations, each pony mysteriously disappeared, never heard of again."

He looked directly at the two sisters. "And you wouldn't happen to know what happened to them, would you?"

"Enough!" said Celestia. "Stop with this interrogation."

"Stop?" said Kirb with a grin. "I'm only getting started!"

Luna tried to stop him a different way. "Supposing his theories were true, how would you explain it when I turned into Nightmare Moon and cast eternal night? Night lasted a bit longer than usual, did it not?"

"True," said Kirb. "Very true. But you know what else lasted a bit shorter than usual? Day."

A drop of sweat appeared on Celestia's forehead.

"Notice how, while 'eternal' night lasted three hours longer, the day afterwards lasted three hours shorter? Now, Celestia, you're our ruler! Even you wouldn't make a mistake like that, would you?"

The drop of sweat started falling down Celestia's face.

"But... but... but how would you explain that happening in the first place?" said Celestia as the drop dripped off and onto the floor.

"Good question," said Kirb. "A very good question indeed! A question that, if Gallant's theory were true, many scientists would be baffled at. Unless someone were to set up a fake holographic projection of the moon still being in the sky when the sun had already come up!"

"I... I..." Celestia was nervous, but then Luna spoke up.

"Why do you think I would do something like that? Cover up my sister's sun just so I could show a false moon?"

"Let me finish!" said Kirb. "And the sun came up rather quickly, didn't it? Now, there's a technology I'm sure you're aware of. It's called holography. It will set up a fake image, or a hologram, anywhere you want! All you need is a holographic projector! Heck, make enough of them and you can change something's appearance entirely! Which is obviously what you did that night."

Sweat was pouring down the two Princesses' heads as Kirb continued questioning them.

"You're not powerful at all! You're just a couple of unicorns who want to rule!"

Then he covered his mouth with his hoof.

"Oops! I mean alicorns!"

Princess Celestia raised her voice.

"Guards! Take Kirb Hysteria away!"

"They can't hear you," said Kirb with a wide grin across his face. "I hired a few of my friends, Spitfire and Fleetfoot from the Wonderbolts to 'distract' them, if you know what I mean... Anyway, as I was saying, I'm getting the impression that the two of you aren't immortal alicorns as you say you are, because you know what happened last time a unicorn and a Pegasus tried to have a kid? It was a stillborn."

"But then how do you explain these?" said Celestia lifting up a wing.

"Those wings," said Kirb, "are fake. Obviously covered up by all the holographic projectors in the room!"

As he said this, the power in the castle flickered out, and Celestia's and Luna's wings disappeared.

"And how, you may ask, do I explain how you two fly? Well, on the rare ocassion when you do fly, your body always casts a shadow on the town below. But get this: on the pictures I have of you flying, the shadow is always shaped similarly to that of an airship, and there was always a thick cloud hovering over you whenever you 'flew'! Implying, of course, that you never actually flew, but instead had an airship to hold you up tied to invisible wires!"

"But--" Celestia tried to interject, but Kirb cut in again.

"And when Luna was supposedly banished to the moon. Well, I don't believe a word of that. You know why? Because the moon has no oxygen! Luna would have died as soon as she got there! Unless..."

Kirb took a long pause, sorting things out in his mind. Then he gasped, stood up, knocked over his typewriter, and pointed a hoof at the two princesses.

"It all makes complete sense now! You're not unicorns, alicorns, or Pegasi!"

"What do you mean..."

"The real Celestia and Luna, though they were alicorns, died of the alicorn birth defects a week after they defeated Discord! And they never claimed to control the sun or moon! But they were incredibly smart, so before they died, they built you two! You aren't ponies! YOU'RE ROBOTS!"

The truth was out.

"You're nothing but frauds who have been malfunctioning for years!"

The two princesses looked down, and then looked back up, with their gazes locked on Kirb.

"This is true," both simultaneously said in more robotic-sounding voices.

"Of course it is," said Kirb, packing up his typewriter. "My job here is done."

He started to fly out the door, but then realized it wasn't getting any closer. Turning around, he saw that the robotic Celestia and Luna's horns were both glowing metalically as he was floating closer towards them.

"What are you doing?"

"We are going to make sure word never gets out about any of that," said Celestia, "by any means necessary."

Struggling to get out, the last thing Kirb saw was Celestia's clenched hoof heading towards his head.

...

On the afternoon of the same day, the doors opened and a dazed Kirb Hysteria flew out. His eyes being blinded by the sun going down, Kirb covered his eyes with one hoof and put on his sunglasses with the other.

"Thanks for the interview!" called out Princess Celestia from inside the castle.

As Kirb flew away, he heard Celestia from inside mention something about a "mind-erase spell." Kirb turned around and saw the entire city of Canterlot. Looking down on it, he could have sworn he saw all the lights in the city turn on at once. Curious, Kirb reached inside his backpack and pulled out his typewriter. He looked at the page.

Blank.

He reached around in the backpack again and pulled out his papers.

There was the interview.

But with only twenty questions.

As Kirb put the papers and typewriter back into his backpack, Fleetfoot and Spitfire of the Wonderbolts flew by, nervously zipping up their Wonderbolt uniforms. They stopped to talk to him.

"Hey, Kirb!" said Fleetfoot.

Kirb looked up. "Oh, hey, uh, Fleetfoot and Spitfire."

"Thanks for getting us for the job!" said Spitfire. "Hey, maybe you can do a column on us sometime soon!"

"Sure," said Kirb. "That would be, uh, great."

"Awesome!" said Spitfire. "Thanks again!"

"Bye Kirb!" said Fleetfoot.

As they flew away, Kirb asked to himself the question that had been bugging him ever since he had left the castle:

"What the hell just happened?"