Author's Note
"Comedy" is code for "stupidity". You have been warned.
Wait, what?
Rainbow Dash flipped through the air with practiced ease, twirling and looping in elaborate patterns. She blew through a complex obstacle course of cloud rings, whizzed past some clouds so fast that they spun like tops. She flipped and spun through her training run before she started to rise.
Higher and higher Dash went, the air becoming cool and thin as she left the land behind. This was her favorite part; It was the most thrilling, awesome finish to her run anypony could have asked for. Folding her wings the tiniest bit, she started her dive.
The wind rushed and hissed as she accelerated, going faster and faster. The air formed into a dome, and then a cone, bending into shape. Finally, the sound barrier snapped.
A spectacular boom made Rainbow's ears ring as a giant hoop of every color expanded. She bounced off the resisting air, flying straight at a thrilling speed. The speed, the wind, her still-ringing ears, everything was perfect.
Her excitement was cut off as something soft hit her right wing. Instead of it dissolving, Rainbow's wing... stuck.
All of her speed and momentum came back on her wing. It stretched like taffy, extending to thrice its normal length as a sharp pain stabbed at Rainbow's shoulder. A tearing noise accompanied her flying forward to faceplant in the dirt. Expecting the worst, she turned her head to look at her wing.
It was extended at an odd angle, and a chunk of pink cloud was stuck to it. Wait... pink cloud? She turned around in time to catch a cotton-candy cloud disappearing and the flash of a red tail. With a sigh that turned into a hiss of pain, she stood up and started to walk to Ponyville. Maybe Twilight could fix this.
Twilight shut her latest bad romance novel and sighed. Pictures of a beautiful rainbow mane, magenta eyes, and (of course) 20% more awesome flitted through her head. With another dreamy sigh, she put the book on the shelf. She walked up to the balcony. "Maybe I'll go see Rainbow Dash today," she said.
Looking over her vast kingdom consisting of a parking lot, she spotted a flash of rainbow walking down the road. Grinning stupidly, Twilight leapt off the balcony , gliding gently down to land in front of Rainbow Dash. Rainbow visibly winced as the gust from her landing washed over her wings.
Twilight slunk up to Rainbow, purring like some purple librarian cat. Rainbow stared blankly at her as she rubbed against her good wing. Twilight was staring at her other wing, keenly observing the cotton candy still stuck to it, as well at its odd angle.
"Does that hurt?" she asked, in a voice that both portrayed concern and caused Dash to be concerned. Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded, and was quickly escorted through Twilight's castle.
She whimpered quietly as Twilight set her down in a beanbag chair. Her wing still hurt. It would also take hours to get the cotton candy out of her feathers. Discord could be so mean sometimes. She entertained various thoughts of plucking Discord's bird wing as Twilight settled beside her.
Twilight slowly began pressing on Dash's hurt wing. She hissed in pain, a strangled "Whatareyoudoing?" escaping her mouth. Twilight ignored her, instead continuing to press on the sugar-covered wing. She also slowly began nibbling one of Rainbow's ears,
Rainbow twisted her head as far as she could with the unicorn latched onto her ear. Twilight's cardboard wings rubbed uncomfortably along her side. (None of her friends had the heart to tell her about the enchanted paper wings. Twilight enjoyed her alicornhood.) Twilight was wearing a grin that was as sultry as she could make it while still munching on Rainbow's ear. Dash rolled her eyes as Twilight whispered naughty things in her ear.
The pain in her wing was reaching its peak when the mirror in the corner of the library rippled. An orange unicorn started to walk out. Sunset Shimmer got about halfway out of the portal when she saw Twilight attempting to bang Rainbow Dash. She then, very understandably, backed away, vanishing into an alternate dimension. Rainbow envied her.
Suddenly, she heard a pop. Her wing still hurt, but not as much. She could move it. It felt pretty good, even if her feathers were a little sticky. She attempted to communicate her betterness to Twilight, but she continued trying to eat Rainbow's ears. The pegasus rolled her eyes, before rolling her entire body. Twilight flopped to the floor with a squawk as Rainbow flew away.
She turned back to wave when she saw Twilight following. Her cardboard wings hummed, their magic attempting to carry Twilight and keep themselves together at the same time. Twilight hurled towards Rainbow, moving at a speed that could be called "fast" if you happened to be a physically handicapped turtle. Rainbow, for the most part, simply rolled her eyes and tried to find a way of flying that leaned mostly on the left wing.
Then something horribly pink sailed past her head.
Rainbow turned around. Twilight's horn was illuminated, shining in a bright magenta. Her irises were tiny as she shot pink laser beams at Dash. She tilted crazily from side to side, feathers falling from her wings.
Rainbow Dash flipped backwards, then decided against doing that again. Instead, she narrowly avoided each beam, focusing on moving faster. Faster and faster she went, possibly the fastest thing alive except for that one time Fluttershy kicked Angel Bunny. Twilight couldn't hope to keep up.
Said unicorn had landed on the ground, her paper wings trembling. She looked up at Dash, the glint of madness in her eyes. And her horn lit up, a neon-pink beacon in a still town.
Twilight giggled as ponies streamed from their homes. Their eyes were all the same; Flat, pink orbs of light set in blank expressions. The pegasi started wobbly flight, before rapidly speeding up. They were all focused on Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow dodged a sudden hail of magic-thrown objects and pegasi. The projectiles kept coming and the pegasi moved in Wonderbolt-shaming formation, intent on trapping the rainbow-haired awesomesauce. She frowned at them before flipping away.
A light throb had started in her right wing. She tried her best to ignore it, but dodging idiots and flowerpots made it throb in protest. Rainbow gritted her teeth; It wasn't the worst pain she'd had while trying new techniques. But still.
Another hail of objects, mixed with some magic beams, came up at her. She twisted around, slipping between a hardcover book and a cracked plate. Two pegasi collided as she moved between them, spinning dizzily before righting themselves. Their glowing eyes gave Rainbow an idea.
She suddenly dived. It was a rapid dive, straining her wings, her injured joint throbbing with each beat. But she went faster. Faster and faster and faster until she exceeded even Angel-Bunny velocity. Her wing hurt, but she pressed on, a cone of air forming around her outstretched hooves. She pointed herself, aiming deliberately at her target.
Twilight Sparkle was standing, her eyes lit up, her horn blindingly pink. A set of crosshairs suddenly appeared; Rainbow aimed them at Twilight. The cone stretched, thinned, then snapped as the sound barrier broke.
Two incredible forces collided at supersonic speeds. Everything went white.
Rainbow and Twilight sat side by side, staring at the ruined remains of Ponyville, manes rippling in some invisible breeze. Multihued toxic waste splashed every surface. The smoking remains of ruined buildings sat where once there were cottages. Every pony had crumbled to dust. Vapor swirled into the air, forming a dark cloud above the ruined town and providing a really dark atmosphere. All in all, it was a state generally known as "Monday".
"Well, buck me straight to Tartarus," Rainbow Dash said, breaking the silence with the very true words.
Twilight gasped like a little filly given free reign in a candy shop. "Really?"
Rainbow turned her head to look at the purple unicorn. "No."
