It was a dark and stormy night, then all the clouds cleared and the sun came up, transforming it into a bright and stormless day in mere hours. Pinkie, over the course of said hours, had been trying her very best not to tell Twilight Sparkle, or anyone for that matter, about the new baby that was about to blast out of Cadence's vagina with a force of 1200 PSI, setting a new record in long-distance birthing. Every time Pinkie passed by a pony, it took all of her willpower to keep her mouth shut. In addition, helium built up in her brain, slightly inflating her head.
Pinkie is a very strange Pony, not because of her mental disorder, but because she is a horrible mutant. The reason her voice is so high is because her body releases helium as a by product instead of expelling waste. In order to expell her helium supply, she must speak at a million miles an hour, thus annoying the shit out of everyone.
But now she was forced to remain almost completely silent, lest she release the secret pregnancy of the Crystal Couple. By the time she reached a very particular store, for which she'd brought a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony, her head was a horrifying bulging mass of flesh and bone. The various veins in her head throbbed painfully, as her pumpkin-sized head quivered.
"Well gee Pinkie, I really appreciate you helping me set up this Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony," said Shop Pony gratefully.
Pinkie opened her mouth to say "No problem Shop Pony," but her head exploded instead, showering both Shop Pony and the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony in blood, brain matter, and chunks of skull. Shop Pony was slightly surprised by this, so he calmly sauntered over to his telephone and dialed the local authorities. They promptly arrived to drag the body into the Evergreen Forest and allow the Timberwolves to dispose of it.
There was no funeral but Rainbow Dash briefly considered feeling something other than joy at the thought of her dead friend's lifeless carcass being torn apart by wooden wolves.
Unfortunately for all of Ponyville, nobody cleaned the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony. It sad there, soaking in the blood and brain of Pinkie Pie. At that exact moment, some rowdy kids struck it with lightning, bringing it to life like Frosty the Snowman.
"Wow!" exclaimed one of the kids to the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony, "that Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony is waving much more wackily than usual, why it's even looming over us menacingly with a scythe in its right hoof; what a novelty."
The child would've proceeded to ramble incessantly had his head not been divorced from his shoulders. Ha-ha, did I say "divorced?" I meant separated. Like my parents. Dad why did you do it? She swore she never cheated on you, and she needs all of her teeth. *sobs
Miraculously, the heads of the other foals followed suit, giving in to peer pressure as their heads landed on the ground with a slight bounce. Still think being decapitated is cool? Oh wait, their heads didn't jump off, they were sliced off by the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony, who drank their blood to increase its power.
"Shining Armor and Cadence are having a baby," it said in a low, ominous voice as it wobbled to and fro. Them it sauntered off to let some other fortunate Pony hear the good news.
Twilight looked up from her menial tasks as Applejack came bursting through the castle doors, the two solid feet of crystal being no match for years of steroid abuse.
"Twalaght," cried Applejack in her ghastly Southern twang, "I have three important topics to discuss with you, two of which are irrelevant in the long run!"
"Apparently knocking is just this silly thing that nobody but me does," said Twilight quite angrily, "while you're here, would you like to damage more of my property?"
"Yes please."
Twilight pinched the bridge of her snout and told Applejack to either spit it out or get out.
"Well first, have you ever seen the Netflix Original Series: BoJack Horseman? It's really good. I like how the show manages to balance humor and telling a story about a jaded piece of shit who hates himself."
"Yes, yes I have in fact seen it, and it's very good. I can't believe there are people who don't accept the deal of all that quality entertainment for just eight bucks a month, or zero if you use someone else's password like I do(thanks Devin)."
"Awesome, so I forget what the second thing was, but a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony is going on a violent rampage. Right now the body count is like, twelve or something.WASTwilight sighed and poured herself a glass of bourbon.
"So-"
"WAIT I REMEMBER WHAT THE SECOND THING WAS!" Cried Applejack the rude jerk.
"Please, enlighten me."
"So like, I think I've reached a point in my life where I have no goals left. I'm super ripped, and I eat a lot of apples, which is literally all I've ever wanted. So why am I not happy? Is there something wrong with me? Or are people just not meant to achieve their goals because whether we like it or not, what we all live for is struggle? Maybe that's why retired people get minimum wage jobs, maybe that's why billionaires never stop reaching for more money, maybe that's why teenage white girls try so hard to feel oppressed while they're ordering pumpkin spice lattes not ten feet from someone who goes to bed in an alley hoping they don't wake up with stab wounds. We're so conditioned by evolution go fight for survival, but we've reached a point where we're above that, barring unfortunate extremes that everyone pretends to care about so they can sweep it under the rug and get on with their miserable fucking lives."
"I'm gonna have to ask two things of you, Applejack: one, keep those edges in check-"
"I dunno I thought it was at least somewhat profou-"
"Second, stop interrupting me, and third, I'm pretty sure that this is one of those self-solving problems and the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Pony will just pop itself on a tack or some broken glass."
"You said there were only two things."
"Well you were actually so annoying that you added a third thing, congratulations."
And that's how Applejack learned not to interrupt people.
The end.
Author's Note
I don't know what happened here.
Happy Halloween?
