Peace Through Diplomacy, Sex, Racism and Explosions.
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Peace Through Diplomacy, Sex, Racism and Explosions.
“Why won’t you just die!?” Tirek yelled as he shoved Twilight Sparkle into a mountain. The resulting explosion causing the mountain to erupt like a volcano.
Twilight came flying out of the wreckage with a flash of magic and anger, blasting Tirek in the eyes with a beam of energy, making his face explode with pain.
“THAT’S ENOUGH!” a voice called down from the heavens, the ground shook as an explosion followed after. “I’VE HEARD ENOUGH CRAP FROM BOTH OF YOU!”
“What?” asked Tirek; Twilight echoing a similar sentiment not moments later.
“WHY DON’T I COME DOWN THERE AND SHOW YOU WHAT A REAL STAR CAN DO!”
A strange being came flying in on some machine with propellers similar to Tank’s flying device. Both Twilight and Tirek flinched as a loud explosion echoed in the distance. The helicopter, a name that both Tirek and Twilight suddenly knew even though they had never seen one before, flew in between the two enemies, and the man, which Twilight and Tirek suddenly knew to call him, jumped off the ladder that hung from the helicopter.
The force of the landing cracked the earth below him, his fist pounded firmly into the surface. He rose slowly, music suspiciously filling in the background. Despite his mouth not moving, his voice clearly echoed throughout the land. His hair flowed majestically, like an action movie star, strangely enough not because of wind, but actually miniature nuclear explosions in his scalp.
“I SWOOP LOW WITH THE TELEPHOTO!”
“NO BRUCKHEIMER, I WORK SOLO!”
Twilight and Tirek took a moment to look at each other, their faces marked by confusion at the situation unfolding before them.
“IF THERE’S ONE THING I LEARNED, BITCH
“THIS GAME IS ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING MONEY!”
The helicopter, which was a good distance away from the group now, spontaneously exploded.
“I MAKE THAT DOLLAR Y’ALL!”
The ground rumbled beneath Twilight and Tirek, forcing the both to gasp in surprise, then in pain as explosions erupted below them.
“What is this being of force? Pony, what have you summoned?” Tirek roared, now on one side of a rather large crater.
“Me? This is your fault, Tirek!” Twilight yelled back from the other side of the rather large crater.
“MOTHERFUCKING MONEY!” The creature shouted once more, the landscape behind him exploding once again.
“Don’t play games with me, pony!” Tirek shouted over the sound of burning hellscape and destruction.
“EVEN MAKE TWILIGHT SPARKLE MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING MONEY!”
“What?!” exclaimed Twilight.
“I set up shop and got a few drops of that Got Magic money, rose to Canterlot now I got that socks made of silk money!”
“What socks?! What are you talking about?!”
The man was making strange motions with his hands, as if he were acting out what he was trying to say as he said it. The background music was synced strangely perfectly with what he was saying, and worked to encapsulate his personality perfectly. Explosions echoed in the background, working in tandem with the music.
In the distance, Twilight’s library instantly regrew, only to explode once again.
“I ain’t got that guilt money, I don’t give a fuck!”
“My home! Again!”
“I take my checks to the bank and I sign ‘em with my nuts!”
At this point, the Great and Honourable, Riser of the Sun, Bringer of Day, Vanquisher of the Nightmare, Hostess of Harmony, Dovahkiin, Kindler of the First Flame, Destroyer of Halo, Big Boss, and Devourer of Cakes Princess Celestia swooped in low with a camera, getting an excellent shot of the pure outrage that defined Tirek’s face.
“And I won’t forget to shake the damn camera, to really jiggle it!” Celestia, said, visible shaking with the effort of swinging the massive camera around in her hooves. The creature began clapping happily at Celestia’s efforts, explosions going off with every slam of his hands.
“I give the people what they love!”
“Stop this at once, you horrible being!” Tirek screamed.
“While the critics say I’m evil!” the man responded, jauntily pointing a finger at the red-faced centaur. “Got no time to read reviews while I’m working on the sequel!” In the background, Twilight’s library exploded, again, again.
“Celestia! What have you wrought upon Equestria?!” Tirek said, swiveling his head around, looking for the pesky alicorn.
Celestia continued shaking the camera, the camera getting closer to Tirek for a better shot of his face.
“GOT A GIFT FROM ABOVE!” he said, pointing at a blushing Celestia, directly above him.
“AND THE EYES OF AN EAGLE!” he finished, pointing to his eyes. An eagle in the air behind him exploded in a puff of smoke and feathers. Within her cage Fluttershy cried out and fainted, Discord patting her on the back trying to sooth her.
“What?!” Twilight and Tirek exclaimed.
“You gave him your magic?!” Twilight asked Celestia in disbelief. “I thought you gave me your magic!”
“Of course, my dear Twilight, how could I trust you with unlimited power when it’s so clear that the Bay over here would put it to much better use?”
“That’s where the alicorn magic is?!” Tirek roared, going through the transformation that starts with him getting tired of his bullshit. “Screw his directing and explosions! I’ll siphon him now and end this! Take your stupid camera and just die!” Tirek shoved a camera directly in front of Michael Bay’s face and stretched his mouth open to siphon his magic.
“WHEN IT COMES TO BLOWING UP, NO DIRECTOR IS MY EQUAL!”
Tirek exploded, all of the magic he had eaten detonated out of him, returning to all the ponies, thus giving them back their magic and their sexy butt tattoos. The cage that Tirek had kept Twilight’s friends in miraculously exploded, releasing them and making the scene look amazing as Celestia’s new camera shook about.
“Who do you reckon that was, Twilight?” Applejack asked as landed back on the ground after her bubble popped.
“Who cares? He was awesome!” Rainbow Dash interrupted, swooping between them.
“I don’t know who he was, but he blew up Tirek when no one else could," Twilight said as her eye twitched, experiencing the faint feeling of déjà vu.
“Uh, Twi? Whatcha lookin’ at?”
Standing off in the distance, a lone figure watched as the group of friends reconciled in front of the magnificent sunset. His magnificent hair flowed magnificently in the wind, and his magnificent jacked flapped with an air of magnificenceness. In the background, a song began, woven effortlessly into the wind.
“I… am Michael Bay.” The creature stood, a shining beacon on the planet, that, when viewed from the sky, was shaped not completely, but not entirely unlike a mushroom cloud filled with money and bad sequels, “And I send this message to any surviving dank memes taking refuge among the stars. We are here, and we are waiting.”
He felt a magnificent Hand upon his shoulder. Feeling his body course with the energy of a million motivational speeches, he turned to Shia Lebeouf and nodded. Together, They turned and walked away from the battlefield, intent on finding the dankest of memes to fight alongside Them in the near future.
Author's Note
You wanted a sequel...we happily obliged.
Written and Edited by Sandcroft and I in honor of the Lord of Money and Explosions Michael Bay
