It's Stu... Gary Stu

by Blitz Habanera Tuscania

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Sex, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 3508

Pinkie is up baking cakes and meets a new friend. New friend is a human and they get together swimmingly well. Planned Parody.

Pinkie is up baking cakes and meets a new friend. New friend is a human and they get together swimmingly well.

Planned to be a parody of following
Displaced
Overpoweredness
Stuness
HiE

Published 2015-10-21 14:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-21 14:50:01 UTC

Five in the Morning

“One two three, bake the cake for free.” Sang Pinkie as she kicked her hind legs back and forth over the edge of the stool as she patiently waited for her pre-morning cake to finish baking in the oven. It was too early in the morning for her to be hopping and skipping around and cook dozens of things at once, but it wasn’t too early to be happy and bake a snack. Or a couple dozen by the time the clock actually hit the number six and other ponies would wake up for their mornings, albeit only a few. “Four five six, I love this.”

The smell of sugar, vanilla and her own special ingredients always woke her up in the mornings, and it made everypony else happy as the smell wafted out of the windows and into the streets. “Seven eight nine, it’s abooooouuuuut,” The oven dinged. “Time!” Sliding off the stool she happily, but slower than her normal, skipped to the oven and opened it, the hot air sending a shiver down her spine. Basking in the heat for a moment as the outside air had been slightly chilling with it still being technically night, she eyed the morning cake, filled with chocolate on the inside, the outside being vanilla and then some more chocolate icing she was going to put on after it’d make for a delicacy to sell. Or give to somepony.

Giving it to somepony sounded better. Sidestepping to grab an oven mitt from a drawer, so as to keep from burning herself on another masterpiece she reached in and pulled out the cake, before depositing it on the counter and putting the oven mitt back in the drawer. “Ten eleven twelve, you, I’m not going to sell.” She sang quietly while grabbing a tube of icing to decorate the top. Pausing for a moment to decide whether to cover, slather it or decorate it with the icing she noticed something.

She was twitching again. Somepony new was in town. A potential new friend to make. In town. Now. The smoke figure she left behind as she ran had a smile upon its face, despite it being impossible, dissipating shortly after with Pinkie already out the door and down several streets. With the world being nothing more than a blur of grey she honed in on the stranger in Ponyville, despite the fact she shouldn’t be able to locate her slash him. It wouldn’t be the first time she found somepony and made them her friend. Despite the cold air, the dark sky and the lifeless town around her she set off in perfectly content.

In less than a minute she found the pony, or to be more accurate the figure she was going to make a friend and aimed herself at them. The reason she said figure in her own mind instead of pony was because whoever it was, they were walking on two legs and towered over her. Said person flinched back and away from her, right as she came to a complete stop in front of them, the dust following behind her not doing the same and smacking into them. Even though their vision was completely obscured by dust she smiled up at them.

“Hi! Welcome to Ponyville Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. Stranger, I’m terribly sorry about all that dust in your face but I was just so excited to make a new friend and so I just had to run all the way out here,” The figure coughed and waved away at the dust and she continued on, their exchange unnoticed by anypony sleeping in any of the houses around them. “Because I always greet the new ponies that come to Ponyville but you’re not a pony, so I’m sorry about calling you a pony Mr. Ms. Mrs. Stranger.”

She took a deep breath to continue while the figure waved away the last of the dust and looked on at her in silence. “But I hope that I get to know you as more than a stranger whoever you are and whatever you are, after all I am the best party planner in Ponyville and always throw parties for whoever shows up regardless of who they are, after all I am the one and only Pinkie Pie always up for making other ponies happy, for example I was up baking a cake for some of my friends when I noticed you coming in,”

She paused again for another intake of air and noticed what her newest friend was, despite the poor lighting of the crescent moon. “Oh hey, you’re a human, just like the ones Twilight met a while back, I always wondered what a human looked like up close anyways my name’s Pinkie as I already said and I’d like to know yours.” She finally finished with a hoof extended to shake his hand as he looked on in silence. She guessed it was a he, just based on her gut.

He didn’t say anything for a few moments before crouching down and brought his face level to hers, his features being hard to discern in the moonlit area. Without a word he reached out and grabbed her hand and gave it a firm shake. “I’ve never heard of anypony staying up this late or getting up this early to make a cake for friends, you gotta be one hell of a friend eh and an energetic one at that. Anyways Miss Pie I go by the name of Mercy for friends and since you’re the first friendly face I’ve seen in a long time you can know me by that name.”

Pinkie shook his hand a bit more before pulling away and hopping in place all around him, the time practically forgotten in her mind. “If you think I’m energetic now you should see me when I’m awake! Nice to meet you Mercy and I’m sorry that you haven’t seen a friendly face before me, how come you don’t see friendly faces that much?”

His head bobbed back and forth in the dark. “Oh just the whole alien creature in another land thing, cultural misunderstandings and the like. The first ten dozenish years here were a pain mind you but even with me adapting some people just plain don’t like me. But that raises the question of how you know what I am, did humans became popular since I last roamed the planet?”

“Of course not silly,” She said while blowing a raspberry. “I just know these things.” It took her a moment to process what he said and when she did she froze in the air and stared at him with a serious look all of a sudden, teeth clenched and eyes piercing through him. “How come I’ve never heard of you if you’ve been here for as long as you said you have?”

Laughing he said, “Well I just said that you’re the only friendly face I’ve seen in a long time, I thought it was implied that I kept to myself to avoid most people cause a bunch of them were jerks. Sorry for the confusion Miss Pie.” He stood back up and clapped his hands. “Say you’re supposed to be a friend right? Do you have somewhere where I can take a quick nap or something before getting back on the road, because I have not slept in like a couple thousand years.”

“Of course I do! You could borrow my bed while I work with the cakes at the bakery! Right this way Mercy!” Turning around she skipped back the way she came at a more leisurely pace so as to let her new friend keep up. He simply jogged beside her and the duo went back to her house.

“You’re real friendly, you know that?” He asked, whilst looking up at the sky, not bothering to pay attention to where they were going.

“Well I am the friend of the Princess of Friendship and party planner for everypony who’s somepony.” Pinkie proudly proclaimed, pounding her hoof into her chest with appreciation at that.

“I mean you’re inviting a near stranger into your house, of a species you somehow know and have never met. For all you know I could eat you when we get there,” He added a fake roar along with clawing at the air with his hands in a mocking tone. “Also, Princess of Friendship, I ain’t heard of that one yet, guess I’ve been under a rock for way too long, mind explaining that bit to me?”

Turning around but keeping her skipping motion without missing a beat she happily replied, “Well you wouldn’t eat me because we’re friends, and Twilight, Princess Celestia’s student, has recently became the Princess of Friendship through the elements of harmony. I’m the element of laughter and she’s the element of magic! And if you look up there you can see Twilight’s castle.” Pinkie pointed at Twilight’s crystal castle sparkling in the dim moonlight.

Mercy made a sound like he was smacking his lips. “How in the hell did I not see that? Either way, you do seem like laughter incarnate but thanks for the info, that’ll help me out a lot. Been awhile since I talked to somepony, was pre-occupied with some things for the longest times. I’m guessing Celestia and Luna are doing fine since I last heard of them?”

Nodding an affirmative Pinkie suddenly turned right and skipped backwards through the entrance to her bakery, making Mercy skid to a stop as he nearly ran past it. With only the moonlight entering through the front door to illuminate their way Pinkie went up the stairs, slowly skipping up them and defying physics as she hung in the air for seconds at a time with Mercy slowly trailing behind her. “Shhhh I don’t want to wake the Cakes up.” He nodded an affirmative and lowered himself to the ground like a wolf, head barely clearing each step as he prowled up and silently.

Without a sound they both traveled past the Cakes bedroom and to hers, Pinkie knowing where exactly to go despite the pitch dark and Mercy able to track her movement despite it. With nary a squeak she opened her bedroom door and backed through it. Barely audible even in the still and silent night she whispered, “Okay I’m going to turn on the lights so cover your eyes.” Unable to see a nod and not hearing him say anything she flipped them on.

Her hoof covered her eyes and she heard him slip in past her, not wanting to wake the Cakes, she shut it behind him so the light wouldn’t leak out into the hallway. Checking the door to make sure it shut she turned around to see him staring open mouthed at her room, probably not used to all her party supplies if she’d been the only friendly face he’d seen in awhile.

Party banners draped from the ceiling, balloons laid around randomly on the floor, streamers and confetti that she drug home with her after her parties, the party cannon that was peeking out of the closet and more party supplies strewn about. “Colorful room you have here Pinkie.” He breathed.

With him staring around at her room she finally got a look at his figure and it was definitely one that let her understand why he might not be the best at making friends. Some type of blue pants covered his legs completely, with a pair of black boots concealing his feet. For his shirt he wore a black jacket, the back of it decorated with some sort of intricate red wings, underneath that was a grey hoodie that was pulled up off his head and under that was a buttoned up white shirt. He definitely got cold easily if he had to wear all that. Then the last interesting thing was the shadowy face hidden under that hood, bright blue eyes peering down at her and a slight smile underneath them. That smile was all she needed to know that he was a friend.

“Thanks, anyways there’s the bathroom,” She pointed at said bathroom. “And you can see the bed in front of you, feel free to take a break as long as you want I’ll be downstairs.” Turning around she proceeded to open the door and exit the room.

“Wait, hang on.” He panicked slightly as she ducked behind the door, hand reaching out as if to grab her despite being a dozen feet away.

She popped back in, or to be more exact her head popped back in. “Mmmm yes?”

“Do me a favor and don’t tell anypony about me, I’d rather make sure I can make a good first impression on my own terms. Don’t need anypony coming up with some ridiculous rumors about me before I say hi and move onto the next town.”

Pinkie saluted from the door. “Okie dokie lokie.” Then she disappeared again.

He stared at the door for a few moments trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Well, actually, he knew what happened in a logical sense, he just befriended one of the Elements of Harmony in about two minutes, got info on the bitches that needed stitches up in the castle and got a free place to stay for a night, not even mentioning she just agreed to keep quiet about him. Whose fucking mind process had them befriend somebody at like five in the fucking morning? Hold that thought, how the hell did she home in on him like that?

Sighing he walked over to the bed and sat on it, pinching his nose as he pondered the sanity of this world since he’d been walking it. Was worse than when he was encouraging Discord to flip gravity around for shits and giggles, speaking of which was he still encased in stone? No way to tell without tracking down his statue wherever the fuck it was, although he had a pretty good idea judging by that city on the side of the mountain he saw. The Royal Sisters Debbie Downer and Negro Bitcho, Celestia and Luna respectively, were too annoying for him to deal with right after he broke free of that accursed prison. Moving his hand to scratch at the side of his face he re-thought that because if this Princess Twilight and Pinkie were both new element bearers which meant the other two had to have fucked up to lose connection and weren’t really a threat anymore.

And now he was back to thinking about that Pinkie character. Sure even if the bearers of the elements were a lot friendlier than your average pony, who already were pretty friendly, the amount of friendly she was, was quite unsettling. Though she was apparently a party planner, worked alongside a Princess of friendship and was the element of laughter. Take into account she was probably suffering from sleep deprivation, might have a few mental problems and probably snacked upon some of her cakes, though that last bit only mattered if people still thought sugar rushes were real things. Add together all those factors and that could be a plausible explanation for why she was so friendly. He laughed slightly at that, things were so much more peaceful than when he was wandering around.

But that was probably because of the Debbie and Bitcho, with their fucking goal of harmony for everybody, he thought bitterly to himself with a scowl as he flexed his fingers in air quotes. Would fit with their agenda and that alone would explain the mare downstairs being so friendly. Damn mind rapey magic. Flopping back onto the bed his eyes traced the banners above him.

Why did his mind always go to such dark spaces with so little prompting? Was it because of that creepy ass guy who sold him the last part of his costume to get here and was trapped? The screams of millions of people in their last moments of their lives as ‘he’ took them, forever sounding in his head whenever he closed his eyes? Getting stuck in a new world? Being thrown in a stone prison with millions of screaming motherfuckers in his head?

Flipping onto his side he fingered his fake coat that looked like it was separate from him, when in reality it was part of him, a fact that had taken quite a while to get used too, because for the longest time he felt naked despite being ‘clothed’.

Maybe he could try getting some sleep for once, he did miss it, so nice and peaceful, nothing to worry about when you’re doing it. A grin tugging at his lips because of the simple thought of him sleeping seemed so awesome right now he closed his eyes and folded his hands across his chest. Oh my god help me-- un away from the fucker, we need backu—marine I ain’t running from -- I have a family don’t kill m—breaching the perimeter, repeat infecte—aaaahhhh my leg!

“Pfffffttt.” He covered his mouth to keep from laughing. That one memory always made him crack up, sounded just like that soundbite they use in SpongeBob in every other episode, way too fucking funny. “Damnit Jim I’m not going to sleep now.” It wasn’t like he ever did anymore, ever since he arrived he hadn’t slept one bit, mainly because of biological reasons with his new body. Not because of the screaming people, they were more annoying at this point then anything else.

Sitting back up he walked to the window humming an old nursery rhyme to himself, the London bridge one to be specific. Grasping the windowsill he peered out through the windowpanes and out at the city sitting on top of the mountain in the distance. He flicked open the locks and pushed the window open and let the cold night breeze bite at his face, doing its damndest to hurt him. It just reminded him that he was alive again. That city was where twin sisters lived and if he wanted revenge he should just go up there and beat the ever loving shit out of them. But alas he wanted something beyond revenge and so he just stood there leaning on the windowsill.

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed his reflection and realized that if he didn’t want the sisters to know right away he’d have to change his looks a little bit. Grabbing the window and moving it just a little so it’d catch his reflection better he ran his hand under his chin. “Damn I look sexy.” Alas he needed to change.

But into what? Alicorn was out of the question. Pegasus if he wanted to fly around and be fast, Earth for if he wanted to do something simple with just being a strong pony or Unicorn if he wanted to show off with a ze magicks. Why not something simple for once, he could show off when the Sisters finally noticed he was fucking out of the stone prison they put him in, how they didn’t already he didn’t know. Staring at his reflection he watched as his face morphed into something alien as worms seemed to cascade over his features, obscuring them from sight.

Black and squirming they moved across his face and arms and legs in ever silent fashion to change how he was.. For in the mirror now was a light blue Earth pony with a turquoise mane, the only distinguishable feature being the missing tooth he added in. The process was much more complicated than how he treated it as evidenced by the fact that the first time he tried this it took him hours on end to do it, and only through constant repetition did he manage to perfect it. The best way to explain how he just changed would be…. A biological version of a changeling’s magical transformation. “Still don’t look bad now do I?” He asked himself tapping his chin in appreciation.

Pushing off of the windowsill he trotted back to the bed, clips and clops absent from his step as if he weren’t there at all. Or didn’t obey the laws of physics because they weren’t cool.

“Gary is baaaack bitches!” He sang as loud as he dared without waking up the ponies down the hall. It’d be so much fun meeting the rest of the elements in the morning if Pinkie’s happy demeanor was anything to go by, probably would want ‘friends’ to make friends with others. Wonder if they’d be as easy to befriend as she was. It would be so easy to take care of the threat of being imprisoned in stone again, just a simple snap of the fingers and that problem was taken care of.

Hope to god that he didn't befriend them quickly thugh, because then there would be some serious mental retardation going on or something. Maybe a virus….