Trolliosis

by Jehajaleado

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1183

A dreadful disease is spreading through Equestria...

What is trolling caused by? Trolliosis, of course! So what's the origin of this now worldwide disease? Today, my friend, I will tell you. A jar of old, rottening memes that was found and opened by a talking zebra. What did you expect? You can't blame everything on Obama.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-08 14:40:40 UTC

Trolliosis

"Day 20

It is happening. I am growing undank memes in my ears. I am considering starting to write fanfiction. My troll smile is widening. I can't fight it much longer now."

The zebra closed the diary.

20 days. 20 days and nights filled with fear. Such was the number of days that had passed since the fateful moment when Zecora was contaminated.

She had been planlessly roaming the Everfree Forest, rapping racist songs and looking for sos, when all of a sudden she had spotted a large glass jar. Too large to be a regular jar of pickles. Yet too small to be a jar of jars of jars of jars of jars. Naturally, Zecora drew the conclusion it had to be a jar of sos. If only she had known...

For 20 days, Zecora had been regretting opening it. For 20 whole days, she had been too downhearted to rap a single song, or even rhyme while writing in her diary. This would have made it much easier for a lazy fanfiction writer to write stories about her, if any writer had done so. However, all Equestrian fanfiction writers were interested in was crazy humans, who were usually portrayed as meat-eating, bicycle-riding lunatics. Fanfiction writers truly were insane!

The jar had been filled with rottening, undank memes. Zecora had immediately realized what that meant. Trolliosis! This dreadful disease had not been found in Equestria for grillions of years. Until now! Such a large jar of rottening trash memes would undoubtably contaminate its opener.

"Grilluminati, you will pay for this!" yelled the zebra. "Your meme jar may have made me into a Trollist, but I will start rhyming again, thus annoying you to death!"

"Day 21

I have no control over when I troll, it's a wonderful day and time to roll."

Zecora ate the diary with the sole intention to troll herself. She then went outside to find her next victim.

"Hi, Zecora!"

"Hi, Rarity!" replied Zecora. The shock of having heard Zecora speak without forming any rhymes was too much for Rarity to handle. She died of a heart attack and was missed by nopony. Precisely Zecora's trollistic intention!

Zecora contined to scout for victims. Soon, she spotted Rainbow Dash drinking sos from the official Ponyville fountain.

"Hey, scrub, you're a nub!" Zecora shouted.

"U wot m789 I'll rek u!" replied Rainbow, flying closer to Zecora.

"Skittles®, listen to what I say, or else I will make you pay!" Zecora could feel the trolliosis floating around in her body. "You will help me troll, at which I will lol!"

"No! Die!" yelled Rainbow and attacked Zecora using a (literally) flying side kick. Zecora blocked the kick with her invincible forehead and they ended up grappling with each other. Since Rainbow Dash was naturally a master of all "flying" techniques, she attempted a flying triangle choke. Success! Zecora attempted eye-gouging, but that doesn't stop someone from choking you in reality. That's just a poor excuse often used by self-proclaimed "ninjas" who actually know nothing about hoof-to-hoof combat or martial arts. Zecora was soon dead.

"Pwned!" proclaimed the colourful pegasus. "Now, time to eat her so nopony will ever know!"

Rainbow never realized eleven ponies had already seen the fight, since it was in the very middle of Ponyville. She devoured the zebra entirely, which took her 28 days. During these days, everypony in Ponyville saw her eating Zecora, but nopony cared because Ponyville didn't have any type of police or armed forces, and getting the Royal guard from Canterlot would have been too exhausting. Rainbow was contaminated with trolliosis through drinking Zecora's blood. At one point, this made her suddenly burst into a trollifying song.

"I am singing a song lol, wow awesome, this song is great, I will troll you, I need all the sos, the sos to survive! Lyrics don't come easy to me, this is the only way I can sing hey! They see me trollin', they skatin'!

Even after aquiring the blessing disease of trolliosis, Rainbow clearly wasn't the best at making up song lyrics on the spot. Which didn't matter one bit to her; for now her only goal was to troll ponies without mercy. In fact, she had essentially just practised autotrolling by singing such a terribad song.

Rainbow decided to attempt to locate and troll Twilight Sparkle; for Rainbow could not love and tolerate pink nerds that had unexpectedly turned into princesses. Even if they could perform cool magical spells. And so, the pegasus pony set hoof towards Twilight's castle, walking on her front legs, thus trolling everyone she met on her way there.

Upon her arrival, Rainbow entered the castle; for if one intends to troll somepony who resides in a castle, one will likely have to enter that very castle. Such are the workings of Equestria. And so, Twilight Sparkle was soon thereafter located by Rainbow Dash.

"I have a bridge to sell you! 49.95 bits only!" trolled Rainbow.

"Nopony would ever fall for that!" replied a very annoyed Twilight. "Face my book!" She threw the book she had been reading in Rainbow's face. For this reason, today's ponyvillians call the castle Face-Book.

"Haha! You've been trolled! I do own a bridge that I want to sell! And it's such a small and old bridge, it's only worth 30 bits! That's the real trollz here, Twi-Twi!" Rainbow did not actually own a single bridge; she was still trolling. For trolliosis works in mysterious ways, always allowing the bearer to find a way to troll further.

"You will be punished for this, you appleholic, sosoholic, rainbow-shitting, neon-coloured, cannibalistic, cat-like stupid troll!" proclaimed Twilight, grabbing Rainbow and taking off towards Canterlot.

"Celestia, Rainbow Dash is a troll!" Twilight informed princess Celestia. "May I punish her?"

"No!" replied Celestia at once. "It's my turn to have some fun for once! Subject Rainbow Dash, I hereby declare you guilty of undankness! I will now send you to a place where tax rates are high, feminism is dominant and your rainbow colours will be seen as evidence of homosexuality!"

"Yeeeeeeeessssss!!!!!!" yelled Rainbow Dash while being teleported away, thus trolling ponykind for a final time by not yelling the more expected "Nooooooooooo!!!!!!" instead.

And so, the talking pegasus pony Rainbow Dash ended up in Sweden, where she was captured by the government and experimented on. The six civilians who had spotted her before she was captured all mysteriously disappeared during the day. However, the scientists who were experimenting on Rainbow Dash were soon contaminated with trolliosis, and went out in all directions to spread the disease of trolliosis and the art of trolling. Eventually, the epidemic would reach every human and cat in the whole wide world.

Even to this very day, several forms of trolling are practised in every corner of the world, and perhaps even in Equestria. Beware! Beware of the trolls, the ones who use trollful methods for the sole purpose of attracting your attention! They post hateful comments and articles on the Internet, make purposely bad music videos, and even write fanfiction!