Princess Luna's Royal Academy of Hoist

by ANgrantAN

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1939

During her thousand-year banishment, Luna developed a new hobby!

Luna has been acting... off. That is to say, even more off than normal. Most respectable ponies would consider this sort of behavior the harbinger of another magical civil war!

As a monarch and loving sister, Celestia takes it upon herself to investigate.

Published 2015-10-25 22:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-25 22:00:02 UTC

Dost Thou Hoist?

Equestria's diurnal monarch eased back her head, allowing the day's silky blend of tea to trickle down her throat, warming as it went. She yawned and stared out the window. This was a disarming morning, should any have that quality. A light drizzle pitter-pattered on the vast window at the end of her chambers, overlooking the castle courtyard. She was about to let the tea and soft noise lull her into a brief rest before the day's work began, until a curious sight shook her from lethargy.

A blue and purple alicorn skipped across the muddy field as if totally oblivious to the cold and damp. She was soon followed by a veritable platoon of ponies in hard-hats and reflective vests of all races, not one of them sullen in the face of the day's weather. In fact, a few seemed as excited as she was!

They stopped in the center of the courtyard and appeared to have a brief conversation. Luna nodded at what looked to be somepony of bearing - likely a supervisor or manager - and took to the air to watch as squad of unicorns and earth ponies laid a foundation in record time. The unicorns outlined a vast rectangle (nearly half the courtyard!) while the earth ponies trampled and cleared it before both took to the task of excavating. In just a few minutes, there was a solid foundation for some type of structure, and new construction ponies arrived on scene pulling carts of building material.

Just what in the hay was Luna doing?

Celestia's mind immediately took to the assumption of nefariousness. Luna's recovery had been swift. Too swift, perhaps. She must have been faking it! "Oh, stars."

Celestia set her cup away and buried her face in her hooves. Poor, dear Luna! Was she not truly free of Nightmare Moon's influence? There was no other explanation for rapid construction without consulting her! She turned to the window once more. At such an early stage it was impossible to discern the structure's true purpose, but she already had a flurry of ideas.

Perhaps it would become some sort of thaumatologic focus point to draw on the Elements of Harmony to blast her while she slept with a ray of hijacked friendship power! Or worse, maybe it was a prison where no magical creature could escape. Or...

"No..."

"A food court!"

Luna's sister bounded out of her room, her hooves barely tapping the floor as her wings pumped with incredible power. Just as she passed her dear sister's room, however, she collected herself and came to a screeching halt.

"She would expect that. There's probably a an enchantment on that blasted food court already. Anything I cast would be sent back my way!" She gently pushed Luna's ornate doors open. "Perhaps she has written her plans down in her journal." She made a silent plea for forgiveness. "I am only doing this to protect you, beloved sister."

Celestia tiptoed into Luna's chambers, horn alight and active at is scanned for traps or alarm spells. But there were no such securities in place. On Luna's bed, a blue mass of the softest fleece in a crescent moon frame, a lone object stuck out of the folds of the sheets.

"Too easy."

She levitated the thing over and inspected it. It was almost adorable in a youthful way. Its cover read "My secret diary" in between a typhoon of glitter and heart-shaped stickers. The tome had expanded since their fillyhoods, bound and rebound and rebound again with more and more paper as Luna adamantly refused to get a "grown-up" journal. Now it looked more like a dictionary that had been ransacked by the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Don't they have a dictionary?" Celestia mused. Twilight's extended circle of friends was hard to keep track of.

Celestia magically summoned her own old diary key to break open the forbidden tome. That had been one of the most important reasons to upgrade to a big pony journal: all of the My First Princess Diary locks were made identical. Taking revenge on the book's manufacturer for that was Celestia's first act as an ascended diarch.

She skipped over the fillyhood entries, intending to start reading only at present day, but she stopped in shock upon seeing that there were entries dated during Luna's banishment.

"Did Nightmare Moon really bring her diary with her to her banishment?" Saving Equestria from Nightmare Moon's return and/or a sub-par culinary facility - attached to the Royal name, no less! - could wait. She was just too curious.

Day Night 1,

The Rebellion hath failed, so condemning myself to eternal banishment. Such bitter failure! Power and recognition so rightly deserved and so close! But I shall enact my vengeance upon my return, for I shall have ages to prepare. I will return armed with power yet unseen and wipe my traitorous sibling from the face of Equus!

The pained memories of a thousand years of heartbroken solitude forced Celestia to bite her lip in distraction from threatening tears. But alas, ever so curious!

Night 2,

My dominion of solitude lacks any inhabitants or resources to help gather my power. I shall continue to search, though I am concerned that I will be forced to draw upon my own mind exclusively.

Night 58,

There is nothing here.

Night 1,425,

Signs of life on the southern pole! I shall investigate!

Night 1,426,

I have now committed the qualities of my own hoofprints to permanent memory lest this confusion lead me astray again.

The entries devolved into mixtures of crazed raving, expressions of hate, and hare-brained schemes to develop further magical power.

Night 14,722,

I hope Nine Inch Horseshoes are still together. Nothing gets me quite like their music.

But something seemed to change about 762 years into her exile...

Night 278,130,

Tonight, the most peculiar thing happened to me! While scouting a cave for signs of Lunar Energy Crystals (whose existence was postulated in Night 115,732's entry, forgotten, and postulated again on Night 201,936. Postulating it twice means it really must be true!), a short burst of cursed solar interference accosted me and set me off balance, driving the Nightmare Flank into contact with the wall, which thus encouraged a chain reaction that ended in the collapse of a large rock upon mine back. Its weight forced my legs to bend, and I subsequently engaged the Nightmare Quads mine to stand fully and cast it off.

Later in the night, I felt a peculiar tickling of a painless pain within mine legs, a sensation I dub "soreness." I shall study this further.

Night 278,132,

The "soreness" hath disappeared from mine legs. In attempt to recreate the feeling, I retraced my steps and summoned yet another boulder to accost me from above. However, as I pressed up in resistance, I found the task was easier despite the stone being of much greater size!

Night 278,135,

Thou wouldst do well to know me as Nightmare Soreness, for this sensation hath returned with a vengeance! I placed more boulders upon mine back and artificially lowered myself in the style of the first surprise attack in a sort of "squat." I have discovered that repeatedly subjecting my Nightmare Quads to stress, I am able to improve their general performance at the cost of experiencing soreness! Naturally, I shall swiftly explore what occurs should other regions be forced to work!

Night 278,201,

I hath performed the act now with a variety of sizes of boulders on a variety of muscles. My first test was to place stones upon mine Nightmare Forelegs while I rested on my back, lowering and then "pressing" on a stone bench. Such an invention protects the back quite well!

I have also stood and pulled stones up as if rowing a boat vertically, and I have also taken smaller boulders and lifted them up and down with the engagement of the joints of my forelegs, placing stress upon my upper "muscles." Stones engaged in such a task appear quite like bells, but on further deliberation, such a thought is rather dumb for they do not create a ringing noise of any sort!

Night 279,520,

I hath taken every muscle with every weight and hoisted boulders in some form. My flesh now ripples with these heavy, meaty growths and my power has evolved beyond all expectation. These physical increases slash gains are the stuff of legend! My revenge shall be incredible! But alas, I must also devote efforts towards thaumatological pursuits once more, even at the expense of such gains."

"TIA!"

"WAAH!"

Celestia slammed the diary shut and chucked it across the room into the mass of blankets upon Luna's bed. Flustered at being caught so red-hoofedly, she could do little but stutter in the face of ambush.

"Dah-duh Luna I... I- hello, sister!"

Luna cocked her head with puzzlement. "For what purpose are you so shocked in my chambers, dear sister?"

"Just- just memories, Lulu..." she coughed and took a deep breath. Safe.

"Then postpone thine activities and witness my creation!"

Celestia gulped. "Creation?"

"OF COURSE, DEAR SISTER! MINE CREATION SHALL BLOW THOU'ST SOCKS OFF, SO TO SPEAK!"

"Again with the Royal Canterlot Voice." Celestia's casual admonishment masked existential panic. She cast a spell on the panic button in her chambers, summoning the Elements to Canterlot Castle with all urgency. Perhaps they would arrive in time, should Celestia manage to stall. "Let's see it, Lulu!"

Celestia prayed to the stars that Twilight and her friends could harness the power of friendship to disarm a Sbarro.

"Then befill with glee and follow... me!" Luna's unintentional rhyme buoyed her steps.

Celestia followed with masked caution through the halls and out to the wet courtyard. Before them stood a vast building of steel and concrete, erected faster than anypony would've rightly thought possible! They came to a stop before a set of automatic glass doors, below...

Below a giant sign.

"PRINCESS LUNA'S ROYAL ACADEMY OF HOIST"

Luna clapped her hooves in foal-like excitement as she galloped inside, giggling with raw elation. "Does it not amaze you so how our ponies have become so ingenious? Behold how these portals submit to our passage!"

Celestia followed warily. A school of "hoist?" What she was doing on the moon? So she was evil... or just...

Her jaw dropped to the recycled tire mat floor.

Luna turned around and cast the silly and insanity of exuberance from her features. She disciplined her face into that of an experienced teacher, if not a bit eager.

"Shall I instruct you first to squat? Perhaps thou shall develop quads and glutes like mine own."

Luna struck a 180-degree turn and stretched out one of her back legs as she clenched her plot. The former rippled with centuries of toned and compounded muscle and the latter shone like the full moon(s), rounded into firm, impossibly-rounded buns of steel.

"HOOOOAH!"

Even on an overcast day, their reflection illuminated all Equestria, waking all those still in their beds and instilling them with a fresh sense of insecurity regarding their bodies.

Celestia fainted.

Luna giggled and trotted over.

"Twas my very reaction in kind, dear sister, when in the mirror I first witnessed these gains. But do not fear! All Equestria shall learn to host, and thou shall be mine own and primary student!"

Author's Note

DTEH?

My initial thought was to make this a one-shot, but I have a few ideas on how to develop this into a true adventure for Luna to spread hoisting across Equestria, and perhaps even the world! Should I?