Everything I am

by BallotBox

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sad, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 4579

Who is Luna?

She has had many faces. Lulu, Celestia's forgotten little sister, NightmareMoon the vengeful murdermare, being the first two. Each of these faces represents a certain time in her life. But who is this new face, Princess Luna.

Published 2016-03-19 20:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-08 19:10:17 UTC

I am Nothing

Entry 1
I am Princess Luna diarch of Equestria, Mistress of the moon and stars, patron of the arts. I am was Nightmare moon. I find it hard to distinguish between us you see, we were together for so long. When all around you is nothing, you create something within yourself. Even now, I address a book of empty pages as if it were a pony. I suppose it is because ponies have never liked us me. Even less so now that I have driven them away. Maybe it is now that they realize what I have known all along.

Without the Nightmare, I am nothing. The thought roars in my ears as if she had whispered the words into my very soul, though I am alone in my own head. Without the Nightmare. I. Am. Nothing. I am no longer Celestia's little sister. I am no longer NightmareMoon. I have lost myself in a thousand years of silence and I do not know how to get back. In this land and time that I do not belong in. But for my sister. Celestia loves me and I hate love her. She is my sister. My best friend. My equal and my opposite. Or she's meant to be. Before I was taken by darkness, she was taken by the limelight. Perhaps my sister has changed, over the course of a thousand years it is clear that I have. This is a long enough entry for today as I am meant to dine with my sister this evening and should not be late.

With that, Luna set the pen down and closed the book. She then moved the book from the nondescript desk it rested on and moved it to a bookshelf, where it blended in seamlessly with the other books. Luna paused for a moment, glancing toward the large window that provided her only of the night sky and donned her crown and shoes. Luna stood in wait at her door, having been told to expect an attendant to guide her to the dining room. However, time went by and it seemed the pony would not show up. Luna narrowed her eyes glared at the door. "I am the princess of the night. I do not require a guide." Then, without another thought she exited the room.

Luna wandered the halls turning this way an that, refusing to ask assistance of the few servants that did not avert their eyes or trot away. She walked at a slow measured pace, the clips and clops of her steps precisely with the intent to exude a regal aura of tranquility. However, after the first ten minutes of searching, Luna's pace grew quicker and her neutral expression turned to irritation. Still she searched, fifteen then twenty minutes passed before she finally slammed the door to the dining room open and took a loud step inside, to find a her sister at the head of the table occupied by forty or fifty other ponies. The doors swung shut with an ominous thud and Luna froze as the buzz of conversation came to a icy halt. Her eyes darted around the room to meet her sister's amethyst ones, confusion and apprehension clear in her own. Celestia stood tall and perfectly groomed, a pleasant smile on her face. She approached Luna, the sound of her hooves on the ground the only noise in the room.

“You were always adorable when you were surprised Luna” she teased,the light tone of her voice and the soft laughter that followed, slicing through the tension like a hot knife through butter. As murmuring moved through the crowd like a wave, the older alicorn motioned for Luna to follow her and walked back to the head of the table. Luna hesitated for a moment, doing her best to gather herself, but followed quickly. Over a forty pairs of eyes watched her, from the suspicious glares of the council members to the openly hostile guards posted throughout the room. Every instinct she had sent her the same message, she was trapped.Taking a moment to steel herself, Luna looked up with a dangerous glare at any pony who met her eyes, a dark satisfaction settling low in her stomach when they looked away their eyes. She marched towards the seat beside her sister.

The dining room was impressive to say the least. Its marble and gold interior was glorious to behold and the mahogany table seemed to gleam in the artificial light. The largest thing in the room, a throne of ivory and gold sat at the head of the table, gleaming and calling attention to itself. Luna glanced across the room as she walked and was pleased to see the other ponies still standing, but as her gaze reached the other side of the room she squinted. As she expected there was a chair beside Celestia but to her shock it was much smaller and seemed....odd. As she got closer Luna determined that the chair seemed to belong in a study, rather than a dining room, the material lacking the shine and spectacle of something made for the public use of a royal. Luna seated herself, without complaint but watched her sister with an expression of comical confusion.

A guardspony to behind Celestia on her left side adjusted his position and stared at Luna distastefully, his expression implying, that she was beneath him. Over the sudden boiling anger beginning to consume her, Luna heard her sister call for the rest of the diners to be seated. Pushing at her rage to the back of her smile, Luna looked up at her sister and gave her an empty smile.

"We..I apologize for mine tardiness sister, I wast not aware of the location of the dining room ." Celestia frowned and looked over her shoulder. "I sent one of my guards to guide you to here." The guardspony bristled, and took a step forward. "Your majesty, due to the risk posed by....your sister. We elected not to send a escort to fetch her." His statement silenced Celestia, and he turned his adoring gaze from his ruler to glare at her sister. “You belong in a prison” he said to her, as if she were some common criminal.

Celestia scolded him sharply but the damage was done, Luna stood and turned to glare at the guard the wild rage bubbling up once more. “Who art thee to to tell thy sovereign whither the she belongs? I am thy princess! ” Luna's wings flared and her hooves trembled with the urge to strike the pony. She took a deep breath and a stepped toward him, looming over the suddenly skittish stallion. She glared at him with all the murderous intent that only a rage held for a thousand years could give. "doth thee understandeth ” she hissed, her horn lighting with magic. "or doth i needeth to make thee?" Celestia drew in a sharp breathe as Luna stared the stallion down. Her guard was clearly frightened but still being defiant. Celestia would be impressed if she wasn’t so panicked.

“Sister, it is alright. Calm down. Sunny Flare please understand, NightmareMoon was not my sister. It was an evil entity that took control of her during dark times. Show my sister the respect she is owed, she served this nation over a thousand years before you were born. This is her rightful place” Celestia cut in sharply. Her tone brooked no argument but the two dissidents didn’t comply.

“But your highness, she is unnecessary. I’ve served you for years, and not once has another princess been needed. She is a monster who doesn't deserve to be free! Let alone to sit and rule beside you!” Sunny Flare yelled indignantly. Celestia opened to order him out of the room but she was cut off by Luna smashing a hoof into the floor. The powerful strike cracked the marble and instantly everypony's eyes were on her.
Luna was livid. Her lips pulled back in a vicious snarl and her eyes alight with murderous rage, “How. Dare. Thee!” she hissed.
She lit her horn and jerked her head causing Sunny to be flung against the wall behind him in a burst of magic. The guard grunted as he hit the wall, but glared at Luna hatefully.

"You see. A pony can't change her pattern. If I should even call you that monster." Sunny said the words with a breathy laugh, grunting as the force pushing him against the wall increased. Luna remained silently determined to silence the stallion, her eyes narrowed.
Celestia was frozen for a moment. Watching in disbelief as her sister, the fearful and ravaged alicorn that had hidden in a tower for three months displayed more power then she’d ever suspected her to possess.

Luna being able to thrust a full grown, armored, stallion against and hold him there wasn’t the shocking part, though it was impressive, any unicorn of sufficient strength could do it. No, it was the aura of power that surrounded Luna, an ocean of magical strength that permeated the room. Everypony in the room had bowed in terror and even Celestia tensed as her body prepared for instinctive flight or fight. These feelings were examined and analysed in a space of a second before Celestia regained control and rushed her sister. In the last thousand years she had gained much control over herself and fear did not hinder her. She could see a dozen conflicting emotions sweep through her sisters eyes like a hurricane and knew she had to act fast before Luna did something she'd regret. Luna saw her sister coming and reared up, her eyes whited out with power and for a moment it seemed as she'd attack. Celestia didn’t wait and calmly stepped close and folded her sister into a feathery hug. Luna flinched and froze but her confusion dissipated some of the anger.

“It will be alright little sister” Celestia said softly. Luna blinked and looked around as if this was the first time she'd seen the dining room. She looked at Celestia, the frightened nobles and finally the glaring pony held aloft. She took a hesitant step back, away from Celestia and shook her head, releasing Sunny Flare

“I-I... I didn't... my most humble apology... I just... I hath lost mine temper ” Luna spoke, addressing the stallion. She seemed to be in shock as she bowed politely to her sister and fled the room, pushing past anypony in her way. Finding her way much more quickly this time, Luna slammed and locked the door before sealing it with magic. Yanking her journal off of the bookshelf, Luna added a second entry.

Entry 2
I am nothing without the NightMare

Author's Note

I really don't know what to say in these. This chapet was inspired by Caleb Serusa's
Lunacy is expected. I hope you enjoy what I've written so far. Please comment and let me know. :pinkiehappy:

I am Empty, mostly

Entry 3

Once more the sun has begun its decent, allowing me a few moments to record my thoughts upon waking. I made a mistake. I lost my temper at the guardspony Sunny Flare and afterward, once I reached the prison sanctuary that is my room, I felt nothing. I was no longer angry or embarrassed or anxious. The wave of emotion that had crashed over me disappeared as quickly as it appeared and it made me realize that I am empty without the Nightmare. Without the spirit here to pour determination and fury into me, I float along without a guide. Even as I woke to the moon's seductive call, I found no drive to attend my lessons or court. I wish to lay here and rot as I have for a thousand years. Yet I know that I can not. Even as my body fell into disuse on the moon my mind was work plotting and scheming turning my hatred over and over in my head until it was all that filled me. Anger and hatred leave little room for friendship or forgiveness in one's heart and now that what I had has been torn from my soul I find myself longing for something to fill myself with. Anything. The moon's pull grows stronger as the sun reaches it trough and I must attend to my duties, lest I begin to frighten the populous once more. Yet I find myself, not wanting to move. The call pains me to ignore but the moon, my purpose, my power is my prison. The surface I once found unbearably beautiful strikes fear into my very soul I can not help but look away from her heavy gaze. Even now in this room I feel her weight at the base of my horn causing me to wish to simply bow my head and let her crush me.

Luna closed the book and put it away before standing up to stretch. As if on cue a quiet knock disturb the silence of the room. Quickly making herself presentable. "Enter." She spoke quietly but with authority, turning to watch the door open thought it did so slowly. In the doorway stood a single mare with a periwinkle blue coat that was commented by her periwinkle pink and white mane. The mare had bright green eyes and a forced smile on her face.

"We... I wilt not harm thee, I am Princess Luna and thee art ?" Luna painted a polite if distant smile across her own face and spoke softly in an attempt to comfort the pony. "I-I'm P-P-Peri Blossom, ma'am. P-P-Princess Celestia sent me to a-a-ttend you tonight." The mare stumbled over her words and kept her eyes on the ground, refusing to meet Luna's gaze. Luna lost her smile and nodded. "I must thank mine sister for sending such needed assistance ." With that Luna turned and exited the room. "Peri Blossom, where are we meant to meet my sister this night?"

"Her high-ness is waiting in the th-throne room ma'am." Peri Blossom hurried along to lead the way, hardly checking to be sure Luna followed. The mare walked quickly, doing her best to remain at least ten hoofsteps in front of Luna at all times as if being near the princess would kill her. Luna did her best to keep up though her eyes were most often on the ground, she occasionally looked up to meet the gaze of a servant or noblepony. Even when she did not look up, the eyes on her caused Luna great distress and she sped up, in turn causing Peri to speed up. The entered the throne room at a quick trot, Peri scampering across to stand near the wall as Luna entered.

"Lulu." Celestia smiled brightly and stepped off the throne, moving to the center of the room. Luna moved toward her, inclining her head politely. "Sister." The two ponies met in the center of the room and embraced each other before turning to face opposite windows. Celestia lit her horn and reared up, slamming her hooves against the ground before bowing her head. The sun slowly moved below the horizon, leaving the sky empty. Luna's actions seemed to be the opposite, bowing and lifting her head before rearing up. The moon rose slowly, beginning its path across the sky. Luna's horn remained lit and she closed her eyes, imagining her night sky. Without opening her eyes she tilted her head this way and that, painting the familiar sight from memory.

So enraptured in her art, Luna did not notice the sound of hoofsteps moving toward the door. She painted quickly and the true night sky was soon a work of beauty unseen for a thousand years. She opened her eyes with a small smile, hoping to find a positive reaction to her work, only to find the room nearly empty of life. The only pony who remained inside the throne room was Peri Blossom who'd kept her eyes solidly on the ground. Luna's head bowed and she continued her path toward the throne, seating herself and lifting her chin. "We doth declare this Midnight court is in session. Send in the first petitioner!"

The large throne room doors did open, quickly, as a throng of reporters rushed in with cameras flashing. Luna flinched back in shock from all the sudden bright lights, wrapping her wings about herself as a shield. This blocked her eyes, but not her ears.

" Luna! Is it true that you became NightmareMoon because you know Princess Celestia is a better ruler?" Luna's wings twitched and closed more tightly around her as she practically buried her face in her feathers.

"NightmareMoon! Is it true you tried to seal Princess Celestia in the sun?"

"Luna! Is the Nightmare really gone? And if so what are you now?"

" We haven't needed you for a thousand years Luna! What made you stay?" At this Luna's wings flared open, rage filling her like to much water poured into a glass. She stood up from the throne and descended the steps, rearing up as she neared a pony. The silver of her shoes glinted in the moonlight as she slammed her hooves down.

"Silence! Why do you speak so loudly and rapidly asking questions I do not intend to answer?" Her voice grew in volume with her anger, the royal Canterlot voice ripping through her vocal cords. "Be gone from this place and do not return!" As reporters fled her wrath the guards stepped inside, wary eyes trained more on her than on the exiting photographers. Again stunned by her sudden rage, Luna sat quickly where she was, staring at her own hooves in horror. "What is wrong with us...We will take no more petitioners this night. We declare this court adjourned....." Luna stood and walked slowly toward the door, her eyes wide. She left the throne room and walked. She walked and walked and walked, murmuring to herself all the while.

Luna came to a halt in the Canterlot gardens, sitting across from the statue of Discord. She stared at it with unseeing eyes until a set of slow steady hoofsteps approached and a larger body sat beside her. Luna did not turn her head to see who had decided to keep her company, simply calling out to the figure. "Sister."

"Luna." Celestia's voice was full or concern and sleep, indicating that'd she been woken to deal with her errant little sister. "I heard what happened." Luna's ears folded back, picking up a nonexistent tone of disappointment in Celestia's voice. Luna once again became so enraptured in damning herself that she flinched when a feathery appendage wrapped itself around her. "Luna, first, I'm sorry I couldn't stay to watch you paint the sky tonight." Celestia paused as if to gather her thoughts. "Luna, I believe that we've made a terrible mistake, another terrible mistake." Luna curled in on herself, though her head tilted upwards toward the moon.

"Th-Then thou art sending us back there sister? Please we would rather be impaled on our own horn. If we must spend one more moment on that desolate surface we fear we shall go mad! But we are mad already are we not? Is it possible to to become more mad? We believe it is." With wide eyes locked on the cold and lifeless rock that had held her for so many years Luna started to babble, though the tirade was swiftly cut short by Celestia's pained gasp.

"Luna. How could you think that? I could...I could never send you back there. To be without you again would break my heart all over again and I could not stand it." Celestia shifted closer to her sister, nuzzling the top of her head and holding her close with both wings. "I just think I made a mistake in expecting you to be alright. So much has changed little sister, and you need time to catch up. Perhaps rather than host the Midnight court, you could attend lessons for a while. You could learn modern Equestrian ways of speaking and behaving...and maybe you could speak with somepony about your.. about what it was like up there." Luna nuzzled her sister taking comfort in the closeness.

"Can we not simply speak with you?" Her voice was tiny and ashamed, 'imagine', she thought, the princess of the night quaking at her sister's hooves like a foal. Celestia's foreleg came up to stroke over Luna's as she responded, her voice sure but soothing. "Of course you can Lulu, you can always talk to me. Its just that we have doctors now, who can help with this sort of thing. I am always here to listen to you little sister but I don't know how to help you. What I'm really asking is, will you consider speaking to a professional about your feelings as well as me?" Luna stiffened, thinking of the painful ways the doctors of the mind tried to assist ponies in her youth.

"Celestia please, We doth not need to be leeched." Celestia chuckled softly and shook her head, the motion causing her chin to brush softly against the top of Luna's head, just barely missing her horn.

"No sister, much has changed in the field of mental medicine there are real ways to help ponies now. Promise me that you will try? At least once? If you don't want to go back I won't make you." Celestia's voice took on a pleading tone, once she knew Luna had never been able to resist. With a heavy sigh, Luna nodded her head and submitted to Celestia's wishes.

"Yes, sister. We shall seek out this physician of the mind and speak with him, but only if we can remain with thou through this night." She began her sentence at a normal volume and grew quiet toward the end, nearly muffling herself in her sisters chest, hoping in vain that perhaps her sister wouldn't hear.

"Of course you can stay with me tonight. You must be tired. There is enough room for both of us in my bed." Celestia stood and opened her wings, stretching them before moving them into a relaxed position. "Are you ready to go inside?" Luna tore her eyes away from the moon and nodded, standing up to follow her sister.

"Yes, Tia. Lets go inside."

I am a conduit

Luna laid on her bed, it was more of a large cloud really, with her head tucked under her wing. She anxiously awaited the arrival of the mental doctor her sister has requested she see. As time went on she grew more and more anxious and rose from her seat to pace. As she paced, she counted. She counted the hoof-steps it took to get to one end of the room to the other, she counted how many it took to make the turn to begin again and she counted how many times she'd done it. After three, and an eight, rotations the door began to creak open. Luna turned to face it, forcing herself to stand straight and proud. She forced a serene smile onto her face, doing her best to mimic her sister, as she greeted the doctor.

The pony that entered the room was a small black unicorn with her mane cut short. The mare had splotches of white over her eyes stretching from temple to temple like a mask. The same splotches appeared on her flank. Her cutiemark was the outline of a brain, allowing the white to shine through. She dipped her head politely as the door shut behind her. "Good evening Princess Luna, I am Winter Morning the head psychologist of the Canterlot Hospital. Her highness, Princess Celestia said you had need of my services." Her voice was soft but assured managing to balance authority with respect. However, there seemed to be some hesitation in her movements.

"Good-day Physician, you have our thanks on making this journey on such short notice. I was told you've traveled a long way." She inclined her head politely and used her horn to gesture toward the chair she'd had brought into the room. "If you would like to begin, I've brought in a chair so you may be comfortably seated." With those words Luna turned and moved back toward her cloud, deciding to seat herself. Dr. Morning followed her and sat in the plush chair directly across from the bed. The two ponies stared at each other for a few moments, Luna's teal eyes filling with more and more anxiety. "Is something the matter Dr. Morning?" The mare shook her head and cleared her throat.

"Princess Luna, why am I here?" Luna was taken aback by the question and took a moment to answer. "Because my sister asked you to be." The doctor made a quiet sound of acknowledgment but shook her head. "I'm here because I want to help you. When Princess Celestia asked Canterlot's board of Mental Health for assistance, they were hesitant to intervene in such high profile issues so she left. It soon got around what she wanted and why and I volunteered to come. Princess Luna, I'm part thestral pony and I grew up hearing tales of your kindness and beauty and strength. When the pony that returned to us didn't match the stories I'd heard... my heart broke. Then I realised I could help. You've been through a lot your majesty, but we are still here. The thestral ponies are still here and we are glad that our princess...no. Our mother has returned. We have progressed greatly, some of us are doctors and lawyers and soldiers. We would be more than happy to join you here again."

A look of awe had completely overtaken Luna's face, her teal eyes filled with shock and regret. " I...you....but how....." She stood up and bowed her head to the other mare. "You owe me nothing. I led your ancestors into destruction. I abandoned you to be turned away from society. I've recently become acquainted with historical texts. The disappearance of the thestral race broke my heart. I believed you all to be gone forever. But here you are, still ready to run to my aid even though I've done so incredibly wrong by you."

"Your ma-..mother. We are, all of us, still your children. We followed you willingly into darkness and we will follow you back out into the light." With that Winter Morning stood up and bowed deeply before smiling brightly. "I will be back tomorrow, mother." With that Winter Morning left the room.

Luna stood there stunned, a dopey smile beginning to stretch across her face. She grasped her journal in her magic and pulled it toward her, opening to the next empty page.

Entry 3

I am not empty. I am a mother. My children survive and it is my duty to assist them, even as they continue to assist me. We will lead each other into the light, and join Equestria's bright present. Though we did not delve into my time on the moon, I feel as if a burden has been lifted from my soul. My children have already forgiven me, and I have an eternity to be worthy of it. I will begin with reinstating the night guard. Celestia's ponies are not comfortable around me, that is fine. They don't have to be.