"God damn my head hurts." I said quietly as I slowly got out of bed and let my feet touch the cold wood floor. "Where the hell am I anyways? This isn't my house." I stood up and stretched, my brain still pounding against my skull, and my eyes still blurred from a mix of drinking and having just woken up. "Why are there picture of horses everywhere?" I thought to myself as I strained to look at a picture of a purple unicorn. "They're so small, and their eyes are so...large."
I shook my head and looked at it again, this time noticing a set of wings alongside the horse's flank. Everywhere I looked there were more pictures of various horses, all of which were colored something strange. Even a lot of the furniture looked as if it were built to accommodate animals. I stretched again, and meandered back to the bed and laid down before covering myself in a blanket and getting close to what I could have only assumed was my conquest from the prior evening.
I reached out to put my arm over her, and began to stroke her hair a little before falling asleep.
A few hours passed, and this time I woke up alone in the same bed. The sun breached the windows in the small home, and this time I noticed rows of books lining the shelves that were placed generously throughout the abode. Outside the window birds were singing, and even the smell of morning dew slipped into the cracks.
I got back up, my head still reeling and walked downstairs only for my heart to sink to the bottom of my chest.
"What...the...fuck..." I said as I looked upon the horse, or more of a pony really, from the pictures. She was talking with some green and purple dragon, hell hardly a dragon, more of a gecko or some smaller lizard. The two were having a conversation as the purple Alicorn had its horn glowing and moving around books and pastries, and the sort.
"Oh, hey, you're awake" The purple Alicorn said as she placed down her books and pastries, to run up and jump to hug me. My hand shaking, I reached out to touch her mane, and it was the exact thing I had been stroking, sniffing, pulling.
"I have SEVERAL questions!" I said, falling back onto the ground and looking up at her with a horrified expression.
"What are they?" She said as she sat down next to me, giving my a little kiss on the cheek.
I went pale before saying, "Don't do that!"
"Why are you so shy now? We did a LOT more upstairs."
"You...you're just a human in a costume right...a really accurate and anatomically correct costume." I said, pinching her cheek only to feel fur and flesh.
"Nope, I'm an Equine...a pony." She said smiling.
"I really need to stop drinking. How the hell did I end up here?"
"In Equestria or in my bed?"
"Wait where am I?"
"Equestria of course! Land of the ponies, and all sorts of other creatures. Best place in the world!"
"How did I get here?"
"Long story. Basically I was practicing magic out at this temple, and accidentally pulled you from your world into ours. No, there isn't a way back unfortunately, so you're stuck here."
"You say that so casually..."
"There's no point in being upset about it. It's reality."
"Okay, so how did I end up being in your bed then?"
"Oh, you were completely hammered and we starting talking. I liked you and you seemed kind of lonely, so I brought you home. We talked more and one thing lead to another..."
"Do you have a gun?"
"A what?"
"A tool that I can shoot myself with because...I JUST FUCKED A HORSE!"
"Yeah, so?" She said, picking me off my ass with some kind of magic.
"You are a sentient creature, you can not think its okay to have sex with creatures of another species."
"I've never seen a problem with it."
"God dammit. Well, I think I'm gonna head to a bar."
"I thought you just said you wanted to quit drinking."
I walked up to the door, and turned the knob, "I think this warrants getting drunk.
I slowly walked over to the tavern where I apparently had spent my whole last night, and sat down at the bar.
"What's the strongest thing you have back there?" I asked, slamming my head down on the bar.
The bartender chuckled and poured a glass of some red substance. It looked like liquid candy, but smelled of rum and fire. I picked up the glass and saw my reflection in the concoction. I rolled my eyes and knocked it back. The drink hit me like a rock, sending me dizzy right off the bat. That hangover that was previously killing me had been beaten off.
"Another!" I shouted, throwing the glass back to the bar where it was promptly filled back up and emptied again.
I began laughing hysterically, and looking around the room. Every last pony in there looking less and less recognizable until I was totally out of my mind.
"Hi! You come here often?!" Asked an excitable pink blob.
"Can't say I do." I say with a belch, "What about you?"
"This is my favorite spot, but my friend just left, would you mind keeping me company?"
"I would love to." My speech was heavily slurred, and I could hardly see. Before long the pink blob was leading me to another building, and the next thing I knew I had woken up in another bed.
This room didn't have the same level of elegance, rather it was a nightmare of organization. I looked to my side before shouting.
"Son of a bitch!"
Author's Note
My first story, I hope you enjoy this little comedy. Have fun.