“Oooh! Oooh! It’s nine-thirty-seven-and-a-half!” Pinkie Pie wrapped a rubbery foreleg around the Apple Family and her sisters and deposited them in a circle around the crackling hearth-fire. “And you all know what that means, right?”
“Uh, no, Sugarcube.” said Applejack. ”We don’t know what that means. Different families, remember?”
“It mean’s it’s time to share Hearth’s Warming stories, silly!”
Igneous Rock nodded as he and his wife walked over and sat in front of the others. “Every year, as tradition dictateth, we gather around the hearth to share tales from when Equestria was young. It be customary for the hosting family to tell its tale first.” He placed a hoof to his chin. “I must admit, it hath been many a year since we last had guests, and it escapeth me and Quartz, what a suitable story might be. Daughters, have ye any suggestions?”
“I like the one about rocks.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I know! I know! How about the story of how I got my cutie mark!”
Cloud Quartz thought for a moment. “An excellent suggestion, Pinkamena. Maud, wouldst thou be so kind as to retrieve the relevant passages? Rocksodus, chapter five, verses twenty-six through forty-four should suffice for now.”
“Okay, Moth–”
“I’ll get it!” Pinkie disappeared in a puff of pink dust.
A moment later, everypony, except for Maud, jumped as Pinkie dropped a several-ton stone tablet on the floor at the center of the circle.
“I thank thee, Pinkamena,” said Igneous before turning to the Apple Family. “This be an excerpt from the Stony Pieble, the complete record of our family’s history. It beginneth with the book of Rocksodus, which taketh place shortly after the first Fire of Friendship was lit. Private Pansy, Clover the Clever, and Smart Cookie had returned, along with their superiors, to the pony homeland to lead the rest of their respective tribes to Equestria. At this point, the leaders still resented one another, for love had not yet thawed their ice-cold hearts…”
26 And so it had been that the ponies of the three tribes traveled for many a day and night until, one evening, they came upon a great mountain of red stone in the desert, smoke rising from its top.
27 And when Clover of the Unicorns, cleverest of her tribe, saw this, she turned and spake unto her herd, “Lo! Beware, ye ponies all, for there standeth Mount Sineigh. A most terrible fate awaiteth she who approacheth it, for at its peak dwelleth a beast of horror beyond fathom – a fire-breathing dragon! So sayeth my mentor, Star Swirl, wis– most bearded of our tribe!”
28 And Pansy, she of the Pegasi, said unto her friend, “A f-fire breathing d-dragon?”
29 And said Clover in return, “Indeed! I am told he hath developed quite a taste for ponies. A most depraved beast must he be, for a dragon deriveth no sustenance from flesh and requireth only mineral aliments to survive – alas, the only sensible conclusion be that he draweth succor from the suffering of his prey, as he roasteth them alive or sundereth their bodies limb from limb!”
30 And when Pansy heard this, she cowered on the ground and said, “Oh my. Forsooth, thy description soundeth most terrifying, and I should not enjoy being subject to such a fate.”
31 And so Pansy turned to the herd behind her and unto them spake, “I would be most grateful if we stayed clear of Sineigh. If it pleaseth you all, that is.”
32 Upon seeing her friend under such distress, Smart Cookie of the Earth ponies laid a hoof upon Pansy’s shoulder and said, “Now, fret thee not, Sugarcube. There ain't nary a reason to approach Sineigh, and I reckon we shall be giving the mountain a wide berth in our journey–”
33 Whereupon a mighty shout and the blare of horns sounded from behind, and a soldier of the Unicorns spake, “Make Way! Kneel, knaves, for ye stand in the presence of Her Royal Majesty, Princess Platinum, Sovereign of the Unicorns, Wisest of Her Tribe, Defender of Her Realm, Mistress of All that the Celestial Lights Touch by the Grace of Faust Above–”
34 “Clover! There thou art!” spake Her Royal Majesty, Princess Platinum, Sovereign of the Unicorns, Wisest of Her Tribe, Defender of Her Realm, Mistress of All that the Celestial Lights Touch by the Grace of Faust Above, et cetera, as she reclined atop her bejeweled palanquin. “Wherefore cometh this delay? It groweth dark, and We grow tired from a long day of being carried by our servants.”
35 And so Clover turned and bowed and replied, “Your highness, I was merely informing the others that the mountain before us houseth a beast most foul – a fire breathing dragon! ‘Twould be most wise of us to stay well away.”
36 “A dragon, thou sayest? A well-known truth it be, that where a dragon maketh its lair, rare jewels and precious metals abound. ‘Twould be a great boon to Us, and thus our tribe, if those treasures were collected. Thou shalt ascend those slopes with Our other subjects and acquire them.”
37 When Clover heard this, she backed away, her eyes wide with fear. “But Princess! There be nary a pony in living memory who hath but laid eyes upon a dragon! We know not what capabilities it possesseth! Would ye truly gamble with the lives of your subjects in such a manner?”
38 And Smart Cookie said in support of her friend, “Now, yer highness, it be my humble opinion that thou shouldst listen to Clover here. She hath more brains than a plucked pheasant in July hath–”
39 Whereupon Commander Hurricane landed with blazing wings and spake, “Do mine ears deceive me?”, a skeptical grimace writ upon her face. “Thine intent seemeth most uncool, lady Platinum. Didst thou truly believe that we Pegasi would sit idly while thou makest off with Sineigh’s awesome riches? I had thought thee–”
40 And Chancellor Puddinghead appeared and spake, “Ooh, it appeareth that my pile of lost sparkly shiny things hath at last been located. I thank thee,” she inclined her head toward Her Royal Majesty, Princess Platinum, Sovereign of the Unicorns, Wisest of Her Tribe, Defender of Her Realm, et cetera, “and thee, Commander Hurricane, for thine help. Your assistance in recovering my gems shall not be required.”
41 And Hurricane turned to Puddinghead and said in surprise, “In hay, whence comest thou?”
42 But then she shook her head and turned to Pansy and spake, “It mattereth not. Private! Thine orders are to take the rest of the tribe up that hill forthwith! We shall not lose those gems to this lot of boneheads and mud ponies!”
43 And so Her Royal Majesty, Princess Platinum, Sovereign of the Unicorns, Wisest of Her Tribe, et cetera, turned to her vassal and spake, “Clover the Clever! If these ruffians reach the top before us, We shall have thine head upon a pike!”
44 And finally Puddinghead turned to her secretary and spake, “Smart Cookie! Shinies! Now!”
Author's Note
Any and all comments are welcome. Criticism is particularly valued.
I thought it would be fun to write something in the style of the King James Bible. It is not my intent to make light of anyone's religious beliefs.
Feel free to leave comments on this Google Doc, too!
