Pain.
Can I still feel pain?
Would it matter if I feel pain? A monster like me, a worthless space of life.
I looked down at the warm liquid between my fingers. I watch it flow slowly over my hand and dripped down to the bathroom floor. I watch each drop, one by one, as they created a growing puddle of liquid between my legs as I sat there, my back against the sink.
So much pain I caused, why do I care? Why should I care? Why would anyone care? Would anyone care? Does anyone care?
I closed my eyes tight as I grip the object in my hand tighter, bringing it closer to my arm.
Then dragged it down slowly.
Nothing. I still felt nothing, no pain. Why is that? Am I such a terrible being that even I can’t feel pain? I never felt pain for others or guilt, so why do I care now?
I let the object I was holding fall to the floor as I brought my knees closer to my chest.
No one cares about me. Not even the ones I’ve been with for almost all my life. Now, even my own body doesn't care anymore. When did I stop feeling pain?
I looked over to the floor, at the object I dropped. Shakingly, I reached over and picked the object back up.
I’m not a cold heartless monster. I am alive, I have feelings, I know I do. SO WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING!?
I clutch at the object tighter, the warm liquid between my finger caused the object to slipped out.
To be alive, to know I’m awake, I must feel pain. I feel nothing. Does this mean I’m dead? No, I can feel my heartbeat. Should I be dead?
I looked back at the object, the object that showed me I cannot feel any pain.
Maybe I should die. I’ve done nothing good in life. I've hurt so many, even myself. I’m a terrible being that deserve to die.
I reached my hand out, in an attempt to grab the object, but stopped midway. My hands were shaky, my breathing was raspy, and my heart was racing. I sat there with my hand reached out to the object, more liquid flowed down my arm in a steady stream.
I’m scared, so scared. Someone, anyone, please help me.
I brought my legs back close to my chest as I wrapped my arms around them, hugging them tightly. I felt the warm tears dripped down my face, but I didn’t want them to stop. I couldn't stop them even if I try.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK
“Sonata, are you okay in there?”
I lifted my head to the sound of the voice, Blitz’s. I wanted to say yes, say everything was okay, but I couldn't find my voice. The second time I lost my voice.
“Sonata? Sonata! Are you okay?”
Again, I didn’t answered.
He sounds worried. Is he worried about me? No, no one cares about a monster like me.
“Sonata? Answer me.”
I saw the doorknob wiggle as he knocked on it more fiercely. I looked back down at the object on the floor, the broken, razor sharp, scissor piece.
Maybe I should end my life, be rid of this pain. I don't want to be a burden on him anymore. I don't want to be a burden on life anymore. I am the worst. I am a weakling, a monster, a heartless creature, a waste of space. I am nothing.
I reached over and pulled the scissor towards me, slowly gripping it in my left hand.
It would be so easy to end it all here. Would it be quick and painless? Then again, I don't feel any pain, so it wouldn't hurt.
I brought the scissor closer to my face, looking at my dull raspberry eyes on the blade. I slowly tilted the blade, looking at the point that would end it all.
Crack, Bang
I held the blade in place within my hands as my eyes looked up. I looked up into Blitz’s, wide, teal-blue eyes. He immediately rushed over to me and fell to his knees, grabbing my hands into his and stopping me from moving mine. His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, seeing all the cuts on both my arms and legs.
“Sonata, what are you doing to yourself?” He whispered, using his thumbs to pry my fingers apart. With a short, painless squeeze, he force me to drop the scissor, ignoring the blood on my hands.
I just looked back at him, emotionless. Expressionless.
He looked worried. He was worried... about me.
“Sonata, why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you hurting yourself?”
Hurt? I can’t hurt myself if I don’t feel pain. Am I hurting myself?
“Because, because I’m a monster, and a monster deserves pain.” I said dryly.
I watch as Blitz face grew pale.
“You're not a monster. Don't ever think of yourself as a monster."
“But I am a monster. I’m a terrible being, a heartless thing, a waste of space, a painless-”
“NO, you’re not!” Blitz said forcefully, squeezing my hand.
"Yes, I am! I'm a monster that no one cares about!" I screamed at him as more tears fell. “I’m a monster that can't feel any pain.” I whispered as I my vision started to blur from my tears.
“Sonata…” Blitz started, but fell quiet.
I knew it, even Blitz think I'm a monster. I bet he doesn't even care if I live or die.
I tried to pull my hands away, but Blitz held them tight in his.
“Let me go.” I cried. “Just let me end it all here!”
"Never," he responded quietly.
“Why?”
“Because I care about you too much to see you suffer like this. I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore.”
I stared at him, his eyes full of worried.
“Y-you don't mean that.”
“I do. I care about you a lot, Sonata. Believe me, I do care.”
What? He cares? H-he doesn't mean... He's just saying it. Right?
Pain. My heart hurts. I can feel pain in my heart. Why?
“You're just saying that." I scream, closing my eyes tight and whisper. "You don't care about me, you will leave me like my sisters did, or hurt me like the others.”
Blitz let go of my hand and pull me into a hug. A warm, caring hug. A hug that made my heart hurt with a skip of a beat.
Pain. I can feel pain. But this pain is different. It hurts, but... it makes me feel, happy?
“Sonata, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't notice just how much pain you were in, but I promise you, I won't leave you.”
Was this another dry promise. Another promise that would break after something goes wrong. A promise that would end in pain and bruises. Can I handle another broken promise? Can I handle losing someone else?
“You promise?”
“Yes, I promise.” Blitz said, hugging me tighter within his embrace.
The pain in my heart, my chest, it hurts so much, so why am I so happy.
I couldn’t say anything as tears filled my eyes, so I cried. I cried into his chest as I return the hug.
Blitz held me for a while until I stopped crying before pulling away, wiping the tears from my eyes.
“Sonata, if you ever feel like this, please come talk to me. I don't want to see," he held my hand out and ran one of his fingers across my arm. “This. All these cuts, these self inflicted marks. Please, don't ever hurt yourself like this again, promise me that.”
His words stung at my chest. The look in his eyes, the way he looked down at my arm. Why did I feel pain from his words that wasn’t harsh?
This feeling. It… it makes me feel alive. I can feel the pain. Pain means feeling, and feeling means I’m not a monster. Blitz, he’s here and he cares about me. This feeling in my chest, this feeling from his words, this feeling is something I don't want to lose, ever.
Blitz gently pulled me up, careful not to squeeze my arm and hand, even though I couldn't feel his touch. Blitz mouth twitch a he ran his hand across my arm.
“Sonata, can you feel…” Blitz looked at me, his eyes staring into mine just before moving down towards the floor. I knew what had captured his gaze. The blood, the small puddle of my own blood staining the floor. He quickly moved on, apparently not wanting to look anymore. “Never mind, let’s just get these cuts clean and bandage.”
***
I sat down in the living room, my hands feeling cold and numb once Blitz was done bandaging my arms and legs. Bandaging the marks I made, the marks I did to myself.
I’m a monster, a monster that only wants to cause suffering. I couldn't make anyone else suffer, so I made myself suffer. This makes me a monster. Yet Blitz, he cares about this monster. The monster that is me.
I stared down onto my bandaged arm, seeing the red stain seeping through.
Why does Blitz care about me when everyone else hates me? I’m not a life worth helping. I’ve been told my life is worthless now that my gem is gone. I’ve been beaten, abused, even sexually assaulted because, to everyone and myself, I’m nothing. So what does Blitz see in helping me? Why is he showing me kindness after-
I felt a hand on my shoulder, causing me to slowly look up. Blitz stood there in his clean clothes, since his other one was smeared with my blood. He looked at me worriedly. I knew he was looking at my arms and legs, and my heart clenched at the thought. Why is that?
“Sonata, would you mind coming with me to the hardware store? I need a new bathroom doorknob since I had to bust the last one open.
I nodded my head with a mumble ‘sure’. I wanted to be near Blitz as much as possible. Being near him made me feel different, more different then I felt when I was with Aria and Adagio. Blitz gave me a smile. Was it a smile? It look more like a frown.
He was smiling yet frowning. Did I do something wrong?
Blitz move his hand to my face. Flinching, I closed my eyes, expecting a smack, a punch or something. Yet all he did was wipe his thumb under my eye, wiping away a tear from my cheek before walking away.
T-that right, Blitz is nice and caring. He wouldn't hurt me, he told me that.
I turned back to Blitz, who was holding out my jacket in his hands. Slowly, I took the jacket and put it on, hiding my scars and myself with it. Pulling the hood over my head, I closed myself to the outside world. Nothing matter to me. Not my life, the people, the world, nothing matter. Blitz put a hand on my back, startling me a little. With a weird looking smile, he walk over to the door and waited for me.
That smile. Is he trying to make me feel better? Is he hiding something? Is he just worried? I’m just troubling him, but he’s willing to put up with me. How long can he stand to put up with me?
***
The walk to the store was long and quiet, it was a bit cold and windy out, but the coldness didn't bother me. The wind was like the world to me, cold yet passing. Even so, Blitz was next to me which made me felt oddly warm. Coming up to the store, Blitz notice two of the three guys that had tried to attack us back from the cafe, but got to him instead of the both of us. One of the guys had a white hoodie on, the other one had black deputy shades. I tugged on my hood a little tighter, hoping that I could hide my face from them. I didn’t want Blitz getting hurt again because of me.
Maybe if I just stay hidden they won’t notice me.
I felt my heart leap as Blitz put his hand on my back, his body turned to the side like he was hiding me. It made me feel… safe. As we walk into the store, I couldn't help but lean onto Blitz a little. I felt so weird, different than how I felt before. No pain, misery, or regret, I felt warm and my heart beat a little faster. This feeling was different than the adoration I would use to get when I force a person under my control. Being this close to Blitz I knew one thing, I didn't want to be separated from him, for any reason.
“Hey Sonata, after we’re done here, do you want to eat out at a restaurant or something? You know, to get out of the house for a bit.” Blitz asked, his head searching the shelves for a matching doorknob.
“I, umm... maybe?”
I don’t like going out much, too many bad memories of what happen to me outside and the things people have done and tried to do to me. This past month been nothing but a bad memory that I wish I could forget.Again, I was startled by Blitz lightly touching my back. He was giving me that worried look again.
I never did tell him what fully happened to me, maybe I should. One day.
Finally finding the doorknob he was looking for, we went to pay for it. As we left the store, Blitz look up to the sky.
“Hmm, might rain later today.” He glanced at me, a pained expression on his face. “But I doubt it would be heavy. Wished I had check the weather first. At least we still have time to go out, I suppose.”
Blitz kept his eyes to the sky as we walked. I noticed that we weren't walking in the direction of his house and I didn't know where we were going. I just knew he was taking me somewhere to eat. The place we walked through was pretty quiet. After minute of silence, Blitz told me that it was just a few more blocks and we would arrive at the place he wanted to take me. As we continued walking, the sound of footsteps thundered behind us. Turning toward the sound, all I saw was a guy in a white hoodie hit Blitz across the face with a thick bat. I tried to catch him as he fell but someone came up behind me and put me in a headlock. Struggling, I helplessly watched as the two hooded figures dragged me and Blitz behind a building.
“Blitz!” I cried out, struggling to break free. I was then flung to the side, smacking onto the side of the building. A bit disorientated, my captor grabbed me again, restraining me in his arms once more.
I saw Blitz try to get back up, only for the guy with the white hoodie and spiky hair to swing his bat down on his back with a loud crack. I tried to scream louder, but the guy with the bat walked over to me and backed hand me. His friend readjusted his hold on me as he gagged me with some cloth. The guy with the bat then walk back over to Blitz and knelt down beside him.
“Idiot.” He whispered standing back up. “We told him, next time we won't go easy on him, or you. We just decided not to wait for a response this time.” He looked up and smirk at me. “All because he wanted to protect you.” He stepped over Blitz’s body and walked towards me, the bat hanging loosely in his hand.
Blitz again tried to get up, struggling to get on his knees.
“Hey, the bastard is trying to get up again." The guy holding me alerted his partner. "He's got some balls.”
I tried to wiggle free, moving around frantically, but the guy held his grip tight on me. I tried to scream at Blitz, to tell him to stay down, to tell him he didn't have to help me. But my muffled cries went unheard. The guy turned around and look at Blitz, swinging his bat around.
“You know, you brought this on yourself. All you had to do was leave this monster behind, just give her to us. Instead, you tried to the hero and help her. Fool!” He growled, kicking Blitz hard in his stomach. “Wanna join this creature's side?” He said, continuing to kick Blitz in the stomach. “You wanna help these aliens, theses things that tried to control us? Tried to take over our lives and harm us? Then you can die along WITH THEM!”
I clenched my eyes shut as the teen raised his weapon over his head. Every crack and scream that followed echoed through the alley and my heart as Blitz was mercilessly beaten. And Blitz, strong and caring, screamed and cried out as his bones broke and skin bled.
“Don't worry, we’re not going to kill you, yet. We still need you.” I heard his attacker say.
As the beating resumed, I tried to shut it all out. Hoping that, if I couldn't see the cruelty before me, it would go away. It didn't. After a few minutes of this, Blitz grew silent, cracks of the bat against his body no longer eliciting a cry of pain. My captor chocked me until I opened my eyes again. Immediately, my eyes searched for Blitz. He was lying on the ground, bleeding and broken. I tried to see if he was even breathing but he was as still as the air around them. The sight of him like that, of the pain he must have felt, made my heart ache with sorrow.
I’m so sorry Blitz! This is my fault, I should have never came with you. You shouldn't be going through this. You're not the monster here. I am. I should be laying there, not you.
“What’s this? Are you crying? Oh my, the monster actually has feelings, and she’s crying.” He laughed out as he pointed his bat at me.
“Hey man, this girl is stronger than she looks, but she’s not that much of a fighter. How about we put her down for a bit and have some fun with her?” The guy said, forcing me down on my knees.
Fun? Please no, please tell me they won’t...
The other guy only laughed as he walked closer to me, tossing the bat to the side as his eyes stared down at me.
“She may be a monster of a unknown type, but she does have a body that's just asking to be used.” He knelt down next to me and ran his finger down my chest. “You know, there’s a lot more who would love to get there hands on you and the other two monsters you call sisters. And him.” He thumb back at Blitz. “Well, we don't know what to do with him just yet, just know it’s going to be very painful. For now...” He let the sentence hang as he smiled at me, letting the silence speak for itself. Watching me shiver, he reached out and grabbed my chest, groping me roughly through my jacket.
No. Please no. Somebody, somepony help me. Adagio, Aria, Blitz… anyone!
I wanted to scream, to beg for help, but I knew no one would come. Why would they? They wouldn't try to save a life like mine, and they wouldn't help Blitz because he defended me. Why do I always cause so much trouble for others? Now, I’m about to be...
No! I have to get out.
My captor grabbed both of my arms and wrestled them behind my back, holding them both with one hand. All I could do is stare forward, gazing at Blitz as he laid there, fear running through me as my tormentors drew closer.
I have to help Blitz.
My head was pushed down as they bend me over, their disgusting and bloodied hands running all over my body. I tried to shut it all out again, hoping, wishing they would just disappear.
I have to stop them.
I felt a hand reach into the back of my pants, grabbing my panties along with it as he tried to pull them both down.
I have to end this.
Lowering my head down even further, I snapped my head back as hard as I could, relishing the crack I heard as it connected. My captor cried out in pain as my head smashed into his teeth. I felt the sting of the contact but I didn't care. Unfortunately, my attack forced him and myself to fall backward. Fortunately, this caused me to knee my tormentor, knocking him backwards. As soon as I freed myself from my captors grip, I crawled over to the abandoned bat and swung it as hard as I could. I felt the connection reverberate through my arm as my captor fell to the floor, motionless.
“Damn you bitch! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to fucking kill you myself!”
I turned to the tormentor and ran at him. I saw him reached into his back pocket, but I paid it no mind. All I cared about was stopping him. Before he got the chance to pull out whatever he had out, I struck. I hit him in the leg, the arm and then his hands. After gaining the upper hand, I used the bat to pushed him to the ground.
“Dammit. Do you think this is enough to stop us? When you leave, we will just come back for you.” He swore, groaning as he got onto his knees. “There are a lot more of us who want you dead. Don't think you can hide forever. You or your beaten boyfriend.”
What do I do? He’s right. Even if we do walk away, me or Blitz isn’t safe anymore. Do I care what happens to me? No, I deserve all of this, but Blitz, he doesn’t. He doesn't deserve this pain, this torture. Maybe, maybe I can help him. I’m already a monster not worth saving, maybe I can protect Blitz.
"I turned toward my tormentor, Blitz's, as he laid his back on the wall, his hand resting on his leg.
"I can stop this. All I have to do is stop it before it spreads, just like Adagio used to tell me. Can I do that?
I looked at Blitz, his unresponsive body. He was so still, I couldn't tell if he was even breathing, but I saw blood. Lots of it. The tormentor, the bastard, looked at Blitz with glee, chuckling to himself. My heart ached but moved with purpose, the bat clenched tight in my hands. I walked over to him, my vision blurring black and red.
Don't worry Blitz, I won't let you be hurt because of me anymore. Please, forgive me, but I will make them pay. All of them.
“What the f-”
Again, the impact of the bat vibrated through my arm as I knocked the tormentor to the ground. Despite the ache I had felt before, I felt nothing when I hit him. No guilt or shame. Before he could say anything, I let out all my rage. I brought the bat down on him, not caring where I hit. I just attacked, again and again and again, over and over. With each hit, I felt more of his blood splatter on me. With each hit, the more red he became. I didn't stop until I was out of breath. Panting, I turned to his friend, my captor.
Now, the friend. Yes, he deserved it too.
I walked over to where his friend was knocked out cold and I did the same to him. I hit him. I hit him hard enough that the bat split in two, but I couldn't stop,I didn’t stop. All this anger, this frustration, the sadness and pain that had built up inside of me was finally being let out. Soon, it would be gone and all would be well. When I finally calmed down and my vision returned to normal, I look back between the two guys, and my body went cold.
“W-what have I done?”
I felt nothing, not even my own breathing or heartbeat. My body went numb as I look at the bloody mess. The bloody mess I caused. They were dead, both of them. They were dead and it was all my fault.
“What have I done?”
I dropped the bat, shivering at the sickening wet sound it made the moment it hit the ground. I was horrified by what I had just did. But, I didn’t feel anything towards it, them. What I just did was the absolute worse, yet, why didn't I feel the least bit different about it.
I just killed two people. I just… killed them. I’m a monster, inside and out. I didn't need to kill them but I did, and now…
I felt nothing, nothing at all but maybe relief. So why were my hands shaking. As much I hated this moment, I couldn't stop to think about this. I had to help Blitz. I rushed over to Blitz and bent down next to him. I didn't know what to do, who to go to, or what to tell them. So I panicked. I tried to lift Blitz up and put his arm over my shoulder, struggling a bit with his weight on me.
He's breathing, he’s still alive.
I felt small tears form at the side of my eyes as I hugged him. I still have the one person that made me feel better. I didn't want to lose him, but if this is what I have to do to protect myself and Blitz…
Could I protect us?
Dragging Blitz’s body out of the area, I looked at the dead bodies. I looked at Blitz who still had blood leaking down his face.
Maybe, this is what I was meant to do. Hurt, pain, misery and suffering. I’m sorry Blitz. I’m truly sorry, but I don't think I can go on living with this.
Before dragging Blitz out, I stop by the guy with the soaking wet, blood red hoodie and reached into his back pocket. Inside his pocket was a flip knife and phone. I didn’t bother to open the knife as I place it in my pocket, along with the phone. Holding Blitz tight, I dragged him out from behind the building. As I dragged him out, I stepped on something. Looking down, I saw it was the doorknob Blitz bought. A new doorknob he bought because of me, because he was worried and wanted to help me, protect me.
Can I go through with it? Can I hurt Blitz one final time to gain my own peace? Maybe if I can live my life with Blitz, I can be happy. I want to be happy and Blitz gives that to me . Maybe removing those who make me suffer isn't a bad thing.
Pulling that guy’s phone out, I found he was open to a website that had me, Adagio, Aria and Blitz on it as targets. There was also other people names and pictures down underneath it that he marked allies. I looked at the first name he had as well as the picture.
Misty.
That is the same girl who had attacked me before Blitz had stopped them. It was the first time someone actually protected me from being assaulted like that.
Pulling the knife out, I open it and looked at the blade.
“Maybe there's nothing wrong with a little killing.”
Author's Note
Welp, this story was a bit troublesome, but I really, really wanted to put this out. Even though it was for Halloween, I still liked it somewhat.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story, leave a comment down below as I do enjoy reading them. 
