Celestia looked down at her desk. It was an old thing, battered from years of wear. Its scratchings were profound, cracks marked its rugged surface and the four legs that supported it buckled under its own weight. From what she could recall, it was a gift from the seventeenth Sultan of Saddle Arabia, though his name escaped her. The wood was according to legend, made from the bark of a tree struck by lightning. The Sultan had said that this granted it a charm allowing it to endure for all of eternity. How fitting that it would be gifted to the supposedly immortal Sun deity. All in all, it was a shoddy piece of work, worn from the stresses of time, in desperate need of replacement.
She liked it.
It had served her well for as long as she could remember. She did almost all of her paperwork, outside of court, on its scarred surface. Hours upon hours of looking for tax discrepancies, approving budgetary planning for infrastructure or personal requests from the citizens of Equestria. Though those were but a few of the things present amongst the endless paperwork that came before Celestia.
She had a simple candle by her side. She always liked working in the dark, feeling there was something more calming about it, that allowed her greater focus than in the daylight. She would sit at her desk until the candle burned all the way to the stem and then would crawl into bed, exhaustion taking over. The whole affair would begin anew tomorrow. It was repetitive, but then life tended not to surprise the ancient alicorn. Not until very recently, that is.
Celestia couldn’t help but smile. She returned her gaze to her desk and specifically what lay upon it.
It was not the standard documents that were par for the course in the bureaucracy of government, but a letter, crinkling amidst the dim light.
Celestia’s smile slipped.
To receive a letter was not unusual. After all, Celestia received thousands every day from all aspects of society. There were many ponies who wished to correspond with her. Of these, she sadly could only read a fraction of. The important distinction this time was the author of said letter.
Twilight.
Celestia sighed deeply. To say she was surprised was an understatement. A vast understatement. Celestia had been so thrown off by its arrival she had actually briefly forgot she was in the middle of the court. She had been mediating a dispute between two mayors on a regional boundary dispute relating to tax for two intersecting counties that they both claimed were part of their jurisdictions. She suspended the court prematurely, so much was her sudden desire to read it after quickly deciphering its sender.
That was what nagged her.
The desire to use any excuse to be free from the endless monotony of general court procedures was one thing, but her delight at the arrival of the letter was another. Her sudden onrush of excitement. The way she couldn’t help but grin widely as the green flames dissipated and the letter fell down on her lap. The upswing in her voice when she quickly ushered her ponies away for a recess. The spring of life that came with her steps as she ascended back upon her throne much to the bemusement of what guards remained in the cavernous, empty throne room. And a single thought occupied her at that moment.
It was from Twilight.
It troubled her. Sure, her correspondence with her student had-
‘Former student.’
‘Former student’ had ebbed slightly since her ascension. Their letters now amounted to more or less brief interactions on some fleeting issues of governance. Twilight was more assured in her need to meet with Celestia personally rather than through post, yet even those had become rare as Twilight settled into her role. Their relationship had become…
Formal.
Celestia sagged in the dark. Twilight took her duties seriously, much to Celestia’s immense pride. Twilight had proven her ascension was the correct decision on Celestia’s part, to her lasting relief. To be truthful, she had never doubted her young stu-equal for a minute.
‘Because you can’t. No matter how hard you try.’
But as Twilight’s life changed drastically, so did their relationship evolve.
‘Relationship.’
Celestia cursed her thoughts as stinging blush burned on her cheeks. She had not meant it in that way. She had merely suggested that Twilight was more…distant. Diplomatic in her nature. A professional relationship that was akin to any courtier she worked with, though Twilight could at least speak to her on a first name basis. Even if Twilight did struggle to overcome her habit in that regard. Celestia did not blame her, though she regretted the build-up of exasperation on her part over Twilight being unable to get it right. It was not fair, she was trying to be selfish again. As selfish as her desire that the wall that had grown between them be torn down, it was not her decision to make.
She was a Princess and that always meant putting the needs of those around you first, no matter how much it stings.
She had learned her lesson long ago.
Celestia flattened the letter with her hoof allowing a small picture to fall to the side of the desk, darkness covering its contents. She scanned over the letter again. For the eighteenth time, if she was to be exact.
The letter was brief, the words were written with such urgency that Celestia assumed other things were preoccupying her former student's mind at the time. The words were related to the picture inside of the letter.
‘Dear Princess Celestia,’
‘There it is again.’
‘I hope you are doing well. I have some exciting news for you.’
‘Oh Twilight, any news from you would be exciting.’
‘Three very special fillies today got their cutie marks after a long year of waiting. Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Applebloom.’
‘I remember their names, Twilight. Do you think I am so disinterested in your life that I would forget?
‘It’s hard to believe that after a year they finally got them. Honestly, at the rate they were going I thought they would take forever!’
‘Luna took 15 years to get her cutie mark, but she’d kill me if I told you that.’
‘It’s also fascinating that they share very similar cutie marks. This phenomenon is quite rare at least according to the texts I have read over. Perhaps I need to investigate more.’
‘It is. A 0.02% chance if I remember correctly.’
‘Anyway, I just wanted to inform you of their progress because it reminds me of how far we’ve come in Ponyville.’
‘So far you have come. You never give yourself the credit you truly deserve, Twilight.’
‘It seems so long ago that I was stuck in those dusty books, locking myself away from the world and friendship. Looking back, I only realise how foolish I was. So much has changed since I left Canterlot. It reminds me to thank you for where I am today.’
‘I didn’t make you Twilight. I just let you fly.’
‘P.S Here’s a picture!
Yours, Princess Twilight’
‘You never should thank me Twilight.’
She could never admit to Twilight how that had affected her so. That she had panged for her company, the moment it was absent. Luna was a blessing, she truly was, she had returned a contentedness to her life that had been absent for so long. Her sister was her world. But…
she was still her sister.
What Celestia honestly desired was a friend.
‘How ironic…’
It had all come home to her the week after Twilight left. So ingrained into her schedule her rendezvous for Twilight’s weekly magical lesson she was, she had arrived fully prepared before Twilight’s tower. She knocked before entering and ascending up the tower steps and had even called out to Twilight’s name. Only then, when silence answered her, did it hit her.
She was gone.
That day had been a particularly hard for her. And each day after, she was almost naturally drawn to the tower. Eventually, she decided to avoid it wholly. She told the staff to leave it in the state that it lay, least Twilight have need of it in the future. What she didn’t say is that she didn’t have the heart to change it. So that she could protect what little reminder of her student’s stay in Canterlot. For it not to be swept away, like all the others. Something she was loathe to lose.
She had the weekly letters. Each one was written in Spike’s eloquent scrawl. She set aside a half an hour in her evening each for each one, when they arrived. And when she finished them she could not help but grin madly. She even enjoyed the ones sent from Twilight’s friends. The insight into the regular lives of her subjects was a rare opportunity and one she was more than willing to look over. But the ones from Twilight were especially treasured.
But then they stopped…
It was only natural she had assured herself.
Twilight had outgrown her studies. She grasped her destiny and with took her proper place as a leader of Equestria. Where she deserved to be.
Yet somehow Celestia got left behind.
Again.
The familiar feeling of waiting for the advent of Twilight’s letters wondering what impossible and usually bemusing situation her former ward got into was addictive. She was swept with a feeling of worry as she pondered what could possibly delay the usually manically punctual mare. Sitting alone in her study expecting, desiring, to read a friendship report only for it to be some nameless document. The words would blur and her interest would fade and she would clamber into bed feeling…hollow. As if something was missing. Of course, it did not take her long to decipher what had her in such a way. It was her leaving all over again.
There were the times when she talked with Twilight. In person. They were happy moments, the warmth that encapsulated her in her presence, how the room appeared a little bit brighter, more alive whenever she was near.
Perhaps she was under a spell. A spell that had a name but one she was not willing to admit, one that entrapped her in the longest time. A type of magic concerning the heart.
So she did the best she could with what little interaction she had with Twilight, and truthfully their time together was memorable. But it was no more than a tourniquet for her feelings. A brief respite before her longing returned.
Celestia returned her focus to the letter she had received. Her disappointment was palpable at the lack of substance for her, the happiness that came with its arrival fading with each passing hour. She delicately took the picture in front of her, her eyes adjusting to low lighting as she pushed it nearer to the candle.
In the centre, were three smiling fillies. The Cutie Mark Crusaders they called themselves. Celestia couldn’t help but chuckle in spite of her sombre mood. The things ponies did in their youth, in search of an elusive cutie mark. It was adorable. Apparently they had gained their cutie marks as per Twilight’s letter. Celestia looked over their positively beaming faces. But it was not just them, but Twilight and her friends and a few other fillies and colts before a rickety looking treehouse.
‘They all look so happy. She looks so happy…’
She wished she had some tea. Tea was always good when she needed to relax. But she didn’t want to disturb the night staff. It was rude and unbecoming, she would have to have to endure her own frustrations without her relaxant. She let the picture drop, floating deftly upon the letter.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat there for. It seemed like hours. But what were hours to a being where days appeared to pass each time she blinked. She wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure of much was happening about her these days.
Celestia’s gaze caught the bottom of the desk. She stared at it for a few moment before opening an upper cupboard and drawing out a key. She inserted it into the lower cupboard and twisted it. The mechanism clicked gently and the large cabinet pulled outwards. Celestia ogled at its contents, with some intensity.
Inside were several dozen scrolls.
Her eyes were blinking as she scanned mentally over the exact number present. She always made sure they were all there. Every single one. With practiced ease, she smoothly withdrew several of them from their resting place and drew them up to the table, spreading them out evenly.
Twilight’s friendship reports.
Each one was precious to her, tied with a neatest silk red bow she could find. She had added that when Twilight returned them after the Discord incident. Choosing one at random, she carefully undid the bow and unfurled the scroll. Even from the writing she clearly was able to identify it. She smiled, it concerned Nightmare Night, her sisters first since her return. It was one of her personal favourites. She could barely contain her mirth, the happiness sweeping through her.
Dear Princess Celestia,
When you first sent me to Ponyville, I didn't know anything about friendship. I met somepony tonight who was having the same problem - your sister, Princess Luna! She taught me that one of the best things you can do with friendship is to give it to others and help them find it themselves! An-
As she scanned over the letter, it was like experiencing it for the first time all over again. Her joy was infectious sort of elation, nostalgic almost, but still fresh enough so the experience hadn’t faded from distinct memory yet. As she finished, she rubbed her hoof along the other side of her front legs looking over each scroll, seeing them all piled in front of her. A reminder of what she had with Twilight and her amazing friends. She had almost lied to herself for a time, believing she was there with them, experiencing what they experienced, learning what they learned and feeling the joy of friendship.
A single trickle of water ran down her cheeks, following the curve of her muzzle before departing and dotting the surface of the parchment with a single blot.
“Celestia,” said a feminine voice. It was but a whisper, but in the silence of her room it may as well have been a bellow. Celestia’s back straightened considerably, she sharply inhaled. She frantically wiped her muzzle with one of her hooves before her guest could see her. It was obvious to Celestia who it was. Only one pony had the sheer audacity to enter her room at this hour.
“Good evening, Luna,” Celestia replied without even turning from her desk. The slow, trepid steps grew closer and louder until Celestia was sure her sister was but a few feet behind her, at which she stopped. Luna was silent for a minute, plainly unsure of how to broach something with her sister. Even after almost a year, Luna was still not entirely comfortable with expressing what she want to say with confidence.
“You’re still up,” was her rather blunt opening.
“As always,” answered Celestia evenly, turning her head to see her sister completely. Despite the lack of light, Celestia could see Luna still wore most of her regalia. It meant she had probably just come from night court, which was odd. Luna generally was most dutiful when it came to such matters. Luna’s face was a mix of poorly masked concern and what appeared to be trepidation. Clearly the matter was serious enough that Luna thought it was of great import to interrupt Celestia. Luna clicked her tongue.
“I have noticed you’re…behaviourisms of late have been strange,” she murmured, trying to clearly mince her words. “Particularly, since you showed me that letter.” She paused, inhaling. “I am…concerned.”
Celestia groaned irritably. Her sister’s appearance was nothing more than an attempt to get her to discuss what Celestia had already adamantly thought was settled. Luna never really learned. It was understandable, sisters were supposed to look after one another, though Luna was ceaseless in her endeavour. The arrival of Twilight’s letter had resurfaced the conflict.
“Thank you but I am capable of dealing with this on my own,” she whispered not entirely sure in her conviction, cursing the betrayal of her voice. She was quick to switch her view back to the letters, looking at them one by one, again. Luna drew closer, a steady hoof rested upon Celestia’s shoulder. It was comforting, she almost leaned into it. Celestia remained silent.
“You’re crying,” said Luna quietly.
“Am I?” Celestia hiccupped. “How odd.” She clumsily tried to wipe her muzzle again, until she felt the gentle rub of a cloth against her face. Luna released her magic allowing Celestia to take possession of the tissue. “Thank you.” She took a moment to make sure she had caught her tears before placing the tissue on her desk.
“Sister,” implored Luna, sadness tingeing her tone.
“I am fine,” stated Celestia shakily.
“You’re not,” said Luna firmly, her hoof moved off Celestia’s shoulder, so Luna could face to the side of her sister, Celestia could not look at her. “And do not pretend that you are not. I have not seen you in such a state as it were, in a long time sister. And we both know why!” Luna could help but shout as she stopped, her breath heavy as she looked at Celestia to see any sort of reaction.
“….”
“Perhaps it is time to talk to her?” inquired Luna, desperation sinking in. At that Celestia fully faced her sister, her eyes wide with disbelief.
“No Luna,” she replied shocked, hiding her slight anger at Luna for broaching the subject yet again. “I…can’t. Twilight needs to follow her own path.” Celestia could help but feel the words were as much reassurance to herself as they were to Luna. Alone. Her tone was final. “It is not my place to interfere–“
“Interfere?” Luna’s muzzle scrunched up. “Interfere in what?” Luna’s agitation was evident. “Her life? How can you say this! You are a part of her life!" Luna was keen to emphasise her words at Celestia. “She adores you! Yo-”
“That’s the problem!” shouted Celestia, she banged her forehooves against the desk shaking it violently. Her legs shook. Luna withdrew slightly. When the scrolls jumped several of them rolled to the side of the desk and nearly fell off but Celestia was swift and she caught them before carefully returning them to the safety of her writing table.
“I-”
“You didn’t think,” retorted Celestia heatedly. “That’s what you did. I will always be her teacher. Her idol. If I do what you ask of me, what I-I think you want me to do, who knows what damage may unfold.” Celestia fell to naught but a whisper as she continued. “She’s such a sensitive thing, Luna.” Celestia looked over her precious items. “She’s so young. It wouldn’t be acceptable, not after being her mentor for so long. Not now, nor ever. It just wouldn’t.” Celestia took a long look over the scrolls before gathering them up with the gentlest thrusts of her magic.
“It’s time for her to be on her own.”
She deposited them back into the drawer, placing each one carefully in an organised fashion just as when she opened it. She had memorised where the individual letters positions were, to a degree she took some comfort from it.
“To forge her own destiny.”
The drawer slammed shut, its wooden boom loudly emanating in the quiet room.
“Without me.”
There was a click as the self-locking mechanism returned into place, her wards reset as well. Celestia sank back into the comfort of her chair, exhausted. She let her head swing back and closed her heavy eyes. Luna, much to Celestia’s relief took her time in responding, the silence helped her settle her emotions and realign her thoughts from this draining endeavour.
“She is not a child, Celestia,” said Luna. “And I would expect better from you. Sister, if you would just be honest-”
“Luna,” she growled irritably, unwilling to carry on with this inane bickering. Luna recoiled at her sister’s rather curt reply, her gasping mouth twisted into a thin frown.
“I see,” said Luna coldly. Luna’s movements were quick, far too quick for a weary Celestia to be able to counter. In mere moments, she dispelled some of Celestia’s strongest wards on the drawer…to her right. It was the second highest drawer and contained nothing that Celestia cared for bar one piece. Within seconds Luna dragged out the key that Celestia kept hidden above her fireplace, the key floated in front of Luna who urged it forward to the drawer, turning it clockwise then counterclockwise. The drawer slowly extracted itself from the desk and Luna took the item from it. Celestia swung out a hoof clumsily to grab it thought Luna manoeuvred it away from her. Celestia swerved sharply to face her sister.
In her grasp was a letter. Though this was no regular letter. It was a very special letter.
From Celestia.
It was addressed to one Princess Twilight Sparkle, though it lacked the seal of the realm that was associated with Celestia’s letters. Instead, it was held to together with a simple purple bow. She had thought it profound at the time, especially concerning the contents of the letter.
The letter was… of a personal nature and was never intended to be sent. Never to leave sanctity of her study. She had written it against the backdrop of what she could only describe as a temporary fit of madness. This type of sudden emotional outburst was a rarity for the usually stoic alicorn. She only realised her error moments before she was about to send the letter. Her sanity coming back to her as the last of the late night courage she had obtained from a particularly strong wine faded. She had meant to destroy it…
Ultimately, she never got around to it. She would think about it constantly. Sometimes she imagined she could hear it call to her from her desk. Whispering for her to send it and damned be the consequences. To embrace the rush of her emotions and throw caution to the wind. She resisted every time, quashing it under what was seemingly eons of self-control.
But likewise she could never get rid of it either.
Now Luna had it. The panic Celestia felt was akin to Tirek returning. If Luna was to do something headfast, something truly reckless then Celestia feared what she would have to do to fix things. She prayed Luna had more sense than to disregard Celestia’s feelings on the matter. A small part inquisitively wondered how Luna came to possess knowledge of its existence. Perhaps her dreams were not as secure as she would have liked.
“If you would just send this letter.” Luna bounced it with her magic. Luna stared directly into Celestia’s eyes as she spoke. “That’s all I ask. I have seen it, even if you have not spoken to me of it.”
‘Damned dreams,’ Celestia cursed to herself.
“Everything you wrote, everything you’ve ever desired from her. Here.” She shoved if forward again until it was within Celestia’s grasp. “Her friendship, her companionship, her presence. All here. Just asking to talk.” Luna’s voiced cracked when she spoke, Celestia regretted the burden she had placed on Luna, again. “Nothing more nothing less. Surely even you can see that this beneficial. Even if your fears of some horrible doting fantasy are true then at least you would know and the matter would be put to rest.” Luna inhaled deeply before letting the scroll drop into Celestia’s lap. Celestia grasped it, looking at Luna.
“I-”
“She will always be your friend Celestia,” she said quietly. “She would help if you would let her. Send the letter.”
Celestia was unsure, which was a surreal experience for the centuries old immortal. She had not expected Luna to confront her so directly on the issue, before it was indirect and never so blunt. Perhaps she was acting odd? Had she really been that bad? Celestia’s doubts swept over her.
Maybe Luna was right.
Celestia though had already answered before she could even come to grasp with the whirlwind that was her own mind. Her years of reflexive practiced responses coming forward, instinctual in nature, preoccupied in fulfilling only one objective; gaining herself time.
“N-not tonight, Luna,” she choked out. Luna immediately appeared crestfallen.
“Then when?” she said sadly, what strength she had disappearing before Celestia. “When the stars fade from the sky, when there is nothing but dust and ash! When the last shred of light departs from this world. Will it be then sister?”
“Just…not tonight.” Luna didn’t move, momentarily. Her head eventually lowered and she nodded. Her turn was swift and her trot from her sister was quicker. She had lost.
Or so Celestia thought. As she reached the periphery of the study, Luna stopped abruptly.
“Sister sometimes I do read these letters and wonder?” Celestia’s ears perked up, but she did not dare see her sister, least her resolve crumble. “How we would have lived had we not had our responsibilities. I like to think in many ways our path would be similar to Twilight’s. I wonder is that how this all started? The desire to be like her? The desire to be normal. To have a share her life, to experience the world as one of our subjects?” Luna paused. “I wonder is that how you came to attach yourself to her? Now I understand why that letter affected you so, why you keep them so close. It is romantic in a way. Your stubbornness hurts only you sister. Send it. I beg of you. She will understand. I promise. If not for her then do it for yourself.”
And with that her sister was gone, there was a faint click as the doors to the external room opened and then closed signalling Luna had at last departed from Celestia’s room, but her words echoed on, striking deep into the recesses of Celestia’s mind shaking her to the core.
Celestia stared at the scroll, the candle flickered on the table and died.
For the briefest moment, she almost considered it. She imagined it, the fear of the ensuing response, the waiting in anticipation as she ran through what the possible answer from Twilight could be.
Almost.
She neatly placed it in her top drawer, locking it with a key. The key floated back to its resting place on the mantle. Celestia pushed herself away from the desk and clambered off her chair. With heavy hoofs, she dragged herself to the comfort of her bed. Luna’s words still stinging, her own mind joining in the relentless barrage of doubt that encapsulated her.
She was a hero to her ponies a guiding light, a voice of reason, a harbinger of the dawn, a binder of nations, a-
Complete coward.
She approached her bed and fell down upon it, complete lacking the energy to crawl beneath her immaculate sheets. The bed was so soft. It was expensive, the best luxury bed bits could afford, the very pillows stuffed with the softest pegasus feathers. Her sheets were of the richest material imported from far and wide across the globe and her mattress hugged her like the smoothest cloud.
But it was cold.
So very cold.
Nonetheless, sleep overcame her quickly in spite of the cold, her body now free of the weariness of the waking world. Celestia drifted off with a smile.
Off to a world where everything seemed a bit brighter, a world consisting of a hill upon which sat an individual tree at the crest of it. It overlooked a forest, Whitetail wood if her knowledge of the countryside was correct. A sea of brown and orange leaves dancing in the cool autumn breeze. When she finally reached the tree, she sat on her stomach overlooking the golden hues of her setting sun intermixing with the beauty of her favourite season, a stunning display to end her day.
She was surprised as she felt movement beside her. The sudden onrush of warmth against her belly. She adjusted her sizeable wing to find it wrapped tightly around a purple pony. The pony smiled up and her and nuzzled against her, humming as she did. Celestia closed her eyes and returned the gesture in full, leaning her weight against her companion, who giggled cutely.
‘It truly is beautiful isn’t it, Celestia?’
‘Yes,’ she answered her eyes never leaving her partner. ‘Yes, it is.’
And for a fleeting instant, she could believe she wasn’t so lonely.
Author's Note
Wrote this after the Cutie Mark Crusaders episode, was shorter but I expanded to include Luna because it seemed to fit. I did a sad Twilight romance story, so it's only fair that I do one for Celestia.
I really enjoyed writing this one, hope everyone enjoys!
