"And now go to your room, you disappointing slouch of a daughter." Another blow of her mother's hoof was landing in Diamond Tiara's face, causing her head to be yanked to the side once more. It was not like it mattered. Diamond Tiara didn't even feel it anymore.
Slowly, her head hanging and her eyes fixating the ground, not daring to look into her mother's face, she made her way past the mare. Her body shivered and her legs felt like they were suddenly made of jelly, but she barely noticed. She just kept walking, her mind feeling strangely absent. Or was it strange? She wasn't sure. She knew this condition well by now; years of being treated by her mother like this made her familiar with the feeling of a cloudy mind and yet, she couldn't get used to it. Diamond Tiara knew that this feeling wasn't right, that nopony should have to endure it. And yet this was her world. Every time she couldn't live up to her mother's expectations.
"Think about it how you failed today, Diamond Tiara. And don't fail again. You know how miserable I can make you feel", she said as Diamond Tiara began to make her way up the stairs. The threat was cleary audible in Spoiled Rich's voice, letting Diamond's ears perk up and sending another shiver down her spine. She stopped for a moment, pressing her eyes shut and waiting until the shiver had subsided, but then she quickly proceeded. Stopping now and breaking out in tears would be another sign of weakness and just earn her more beatings. It wouldn't be the first time.
As Diamond Tiara had reached her room and closed the door behind her, she felt a small feeling of relief wash over her. But it was quickly replaced by another wave of horror as she heard a sound behind her. She twitched and cowered on the ground, her hooves protecting her face. "No, mother, please, I am sorry, I will be a good filly now!", she sobbed. She heard more hoofsteps behind her door, then the familiar sound of metal against metal as the key was turned around and locked her door. She was imprisoned.
Hesitatingly, the filly got up on her hooves again, her legs trembling and shaking and she turned around to face the door, eyeing it with a strained look while biting her lip. She listened to her mother's hoofsteps that moved away from the door and down the stairs and remained in this position until she could hear her mother working in the kitchen. She was preparing dinner now. A dinner that wouldn't be for her. She never got something to eat after she failed and her mother had teached her a lesson. Sometimes her father came up the stairs late at night, when his wife was already asleep, and brought her some leftovers of the meal, but currently, he was on a business trip in Manehattan. On one of his many business trips. More often than not, Diamond Tiara was alone with her mother. Exposed to her wrath and her violent outbursts. Like today.
Diamond Tiara turned away from the door again, her eyes glancing over her room now. Then she winced. It was just now that she began to feel the pain again.
"Mmmmmmh." A painful sound escaped her throat and she pressed one hoof on her mouth, her eyes falling shut and her face agonizingly distorted. Diamond Tiara cowered down on the mahogany floor of her room once more. A feeling like a thousand hammer blows was spreading out in her mouth. It increased in intensity until she made a muffled, painful whimper, then died down for a second, just to increase again after this short moment of salvation. This pattern continued and after she had whimpered a few times more, her backlegs finally gave in too and she was collapsing onto the floor completely. Rolling herself into a ball, she continued to sob and whimper as one after another, the other injured parts of her body made their presence felt again.
The slits in her backlegs began to burn again, like they did half an hour ago, when her mother took a knife and began to cut into her legs. It was still the same feeling. She could still feel the sharp metal intruding her body and slicing it open. And the blood. It was still trickling out of the wounds and down her limbs, soaking her pink coat and turning it to crimson before dripping on the floor and forming a red pool there.
Worse than this, though, was how her head felt. Or rather, her skull. Diamond Tiara reached up with one hoof as she finally felt the pain in her mouth getting weaker and the seconds between the hammer blows becoming longer. As she touched the certain spot, she cried out in pain, loud enough that it sounded through the whole of her big, stately room and maybe even loud enough that her mother could hear it down in the kitchen, a thought that sent more shivers down Diamond's spine. But everything stayed quiet. No new sounds of hoofsteps coming up the stairs, just the sounds from the kitchen were present.
Taking down her hoof again and holding it in front of her eyes, she could see how red it was now. She was only holding it at the wound for a second, but this short timeframe was already enough to soak her hoof completely. Sniffing, she rubbed it against her coat to clean it provisorily.
Left from the door was a mirror, and she was taking a look into it now. Her appearance was miserable and she knew this was an understatement. The hoofprints of her mother adorned her cheeks, glowing in a bright red that was visible through the short pink coat hairs in her face, her right eye was swollen and pouring out secretion, a wound was gaping on her lips, producing a not insignificant amount of blood, and, worst of all, the flesh above her left eye was popped open, revealing the white of her skull bone. Her mother's club always did a good job and this time was no exception.
She bit her lip once more, watching how her face distorted itself to take on a distraught expression and how her eyes started to water, then she turned her gaze away from the disturbing picture of herself and the ruined beauty of her face and gave in to her despair completely.
She pressed her face down on the wooden floor, ignoring the pain the pressure caused, wrapped her hooves around her head and began to cry bitterly. Her low-pitched weeping sounded across her room while pictures of the horrible moments that just happened flashed in front of her inner eye, letting her go through the horror a second time. Eventually, the horrific pictures were replaced by happier ones. She saw Silver Spoon. She was looking at her, giving her this smile she knew so well, the smile that had a calming, almost magical effect on her. Diamond wished she would be here now. She knew about the abuse and the pain she had to go through on many days of her life and was there for her when she needed her. But now she wasn't here. Even if her room wouldn't have been locked, even if she would be able to leave the house and trot across the street to her's, it would be useless. Her parents were gone with her over the weekend, on a family trip. Her best and only friend wasn't here. It was in this moment that she wished once more to have more than one friend.
The pictures of three other fillies appeared in her mind. An earth pony with a bow, a pegasus with a scooter and a unicorn with a beautifully shimmering, white coat. The three looked at her, their faces sad and their eyes full of concern.
"Ya alright?", Apple Bloom asked her.
"Is there anything we can do?", Scootaloo picked it up after her friend had spoken.
"Your mother can't treat you like this, it's so unfair!", Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
Diamond Tiara smiled. Yes. Them. Those were the ponies she wanted to talk with now. They were the best friends she had ever seen in her whole life. Surely they wouldn't turn her down. Or would they? Diamond wasn't exactly sure, but the thought of the three fillies she saw in front of her comforting her with hugs was soothing. That's what she wanted now and what she needed. And yet she knew it could never happen. Even if she could get up, even if she would ignore the pain, climbing out of her window, jumping down and hauling herself to their clubhouse, mother would not allow it. And once she would find out, it would result in more punishment. For sneaking out of her room, for talking with blank flanks, for telling and showing them things her mother wanted to keep a secret. If she would meet them now and tell them everything that happened, her mother might even kill her for that, she thought with a shudder. She couldn't go to them. But still, just the imagination alone was pleasant. Even though she would never be able to be friends with the fillies she secretly admired for the strong bond between them, to imagine how they cared for her and comforted her was enough to calm her down. It was all just a trick by her mind, but a trick that she enjoyed. Her favourite one.
And it worked this time too. Diamond Tiara felt better, at least a little. The pain in her heart was smaller now, only the pain from her aching body parts continued in all it's intensity. But that was something she could endure. She had to and she would. She was a diamond and a diamond couldn't break, that's what she was telling herself all the time in these situations. It was her personal mantra.
And even the physical pain wouldn't last long. Right on the next morning, her mother would make a short trip to Zecora, buying a potion to cure wounds from her, making up a story for why she needed it to avoid any suspicion and then she would return and forcing the disgusting brew down her daughter's throat. As she always did. It would close the open wound on her skull, replacing the piece of flesh, that now probably lied somewhere on the floor of the big living room downstairs, and letting grow new skin and hair over it. And sometimes, she bought a second potion that could regrow teeth. Diamond didn't know if she lost some teeth this time, and she didn't dare to check after she saw herself in the mirror like that, but this was the procedure. Everything that needed to be done so that mother could cover up what she did to her. Then a few days away from school, until the smaller wounds were healed, and then she would be leaving the house again. Trying once again to be the perfect little diamond for her mother.
Diamond Tiara rose to her hooves. She was still shaking a little, but overall in better control of her movements now. And even though she felt slightly better now, she still had the feeling that she must talk to somepony. But who? Silver Spoon wasn't here. And the Crusaders..... She sighed, her eyes beginning to fill themselves with tears again. They wouldn't talk with her. Now that her breakdown was over, she felt calm and distanced from everything that happened. And this allowed her to think more rational and logical again. No, they wouldn't talk with her. Even though she didn't want to admit it, deep inside of her she felt that they hated her. She was doing horrible things to them. Insulted them, insulted their families. Destroyed the things that were important to them.
One time, she was demolishing Scootaloo's scooter, just to make her feel miserable, to bully her even more extreme than she ever did before. She knew how much her scooter meant to her, the meaning it held to her as a replacement for her not functionable wings. And this just made her more determined to ruin it. Her actions left the pegasus filly crying in distress and it was only thanks to the efforts of her sister Rainbow Dash and Princess Twilight that the scooter could have been restored to it's former glory. Almost, at least. A few dents remained that continued to remind Scootaloo on what she did that day. And Diamond Tiara knew she hated her for this. For this and many, many other things. She could see it in her eyes every time she looked into them.
Her mother was commending her for it. Buying her a new dress and a golden bracelet as reward. "For reminding that little, disabled blank flank bastard of her limitations and standing in life", she said. It made Diamond Tiara feel proud, somewhat. A fake pride, but pride nonetheless. She was impressing her mother and this meant more to her than anything else in this moment. Her mother proud of her and less punishment. Even some rewards. She couldn't be unhappy about it, despite her cruel act.
But nonetheless, it did mean that Scootaloo would only show her the cold flank if she would try talking to her now. And her friends were loyal to her, they would do the same. No, not under any circumstance they would listen to her. And her mother wouldn't allow it anyway, so it didn't matter. There was nopony for her to talk to and so she could only do one thing, the thing that jumped into her mind when she looked over to her desk. A piece of parchment laid there, with an ink bottle and a quill neatly arranged to it's right.
Diamond sniffed. She wiped with her hoof over her nose and mouth, followed by rubbing it again into her coat, then she carefully approached the desk and took seat on the chair in front of it.
It was silly. The parchment couldn't talk and it couldn't listen to her. It couldn't answer, it could not give her comforting words and neither comforting hugs, and still, Diamond Tiara had the feeling that she needed to do this now. If a piece of parchment was the only one she could talk to now, then this was at least better than nothing. And life with her mother had teached her that she had to take the chances that offered themselves to her, no matter how small they were.
With shaking hooves, she took the quill and dipped it into the ink. She moved it over the parchment, scrunched her face and imagined the piece as a living being she could talk to with all the strength of her mind. Then she began to write.
Mother beat me again. It was worse than most of the time today. My head is bleeding, my mouth is bleeding and my legs too. And I probably lost some teeth again.
I don't understand why she is doing this. I know that this is not something that mothers should do. When Silver Spoon's family invites me, everypony is so friendly. They are nice to me. They are nice to Silver Spoon. I saw how her father ruffled through her mane, talking about it how proud he is of his little "silver jewel" for winning the spelling contest. My parents never do something like this. Especially not mother. They buy me things when I did something right. But they never ruffle my mane. They never hug me. They never give me a kiss on the forehead. They just say "Well done, Diamond Tiara.", then I get a new dress and that's all. And if I don't succeed..... If I fail with something..... Mother comes and almost beats me to death. Like today. And daddy? Daddy just stands there and watches. If he's here when it happens.
Diamond was running out of ink and dipped the quill into the bottle again. New tears began to build in her eyes and stained the parchment with wet spots.
Daddy is a coward. He is so often not here. He is making more business trips than Silver Spoon's dad. Mother says he doesn't want to be here often. She says he is going on a business trip every time I fail with something because he can't endure the shame of seeing his useless daughter. But I know that's not right. Mother is the reason why he is so often somewhere else. I can't mind him for it. If I could leave mother, I would go away too. Maybe I should ask him if I can come with him next time. His business trips are boring, but everywhere it's better than here. I hate this house. It's like living in a nightmare. But I know I can't..... Mother would prevent me. She doesn't allow that I get away from her, I know it.....
Another stream of tears flowed down Diamond Tiara's cheeks, followed by new blood from her skull wound. Both landed on the parchment, just right under the last line Diamond just wrote. The color of blood turned the beige color of the parchment into a dark brown as it soaked it. The filly began to sob again.
But it's the worst if daddy is here. He never stops mother. He doesn't dare. He just watches how she beats me and how she cuts me. He doesn't even say sorry. He just watches and once she's finished, he goes away and gets himself something to drink. I hate him too.
But I want to love daddy. I really want. He never beats me. He never says mean things to me. And he brings me something to eat when mother doesn't allow it. I should love him for all of this. But I can't. He's never really helping me. I don't think that he really loves me. And if he doesn't love me, why should I love him then?
Another dip into the ink followed. As she sat the quill on the parchment again, the familiar picture of the Cutie Mark Crusaders appeared in front of her eyes, all of them beaming and happily grinning at her. Diamond Tiara's face lit up a little.
Do you know the Cutie Mark Crusaders? They are the most admirable fillies I have ever seen! They have a clubhouse on Sweet Apple Acres. Imagine that, a own treehouse! Sometimes, I heard them talking about having sleepovers there! All alone on the orchards, for the whole night! Mother would never allow something like this..... She always wants to keep me close to her and this means I must always sleep in the house. She even forbad me to go on the camping trip of our class last summer.
But they can do this! They do so many amazings things together! They still don't have their cutie marks and they're trying to get them for years now! They work so hard to get them..... And they have such great adventures while trying it! Sometimes..... I wish I could join them, even though I already have my cutie mark. Sometimes I wish I could be their friend. But then there is mother.
She hates them for being blank flanks. And every time I think about becoming their friend, I just can't. There are moments where I want to be nice to them, but then I have to think of mother and I get afraid. I get afraid that she could find out that I don't act the way she wants me to. And then there is something like a voice whispering in me. "You can't do that, because your mother does not approve." it says. And then I suddenly don't want to be nice to them anymore. Then I'm mean to them again. I don't know why. I can't control this. And I don't think I can do something against it. That's just how it works. That's how my life is. I'm doomed to this.
Diamond Tiara sighed. More teardrops joined the others on the parchment. She looked over the parchment, asking herself if she should write anything else. Then she sighed again and shook her head slowly. She couldn't think of anything else. Nonetheless, she was dipping her quill into the ink one last time and set it on the parchment again.
I just hate my life. Sometimes I wish I could be somepony else.....
She sat the quill down and leaned back in her chair, her eyes wandering over all she had written and the blood stains on the parchment that had increased in number now. At some points, she had to write around them, making the lines look awkward.
Did she feel better now? She didn't know. She felt cold. She was unsure if she should really deem this feeling as better, but at least the heartache was gone. For now.
After staring at the parchment for some seconds longer, she hastily grabbed it, tore it to tiny pieces and hid them carefully at the bottom of the wastebasket at the side of her desk under some other trash. She couldn't let mother see this. She couldn't allow that she would find it. And the parchment had fulfilled it's purpose.
Diamond Tiara slid off of her chair. A look outside the window showed her that it had become dark by now. Her wounds were hurting less terribly now. Only the bad wound above her left eye was still sending hot waves of pain through her skull. She grimaced. It was better to go to sleep now. If she managed it to fall asleep, she would at least not have to feel this pain anymore and the next morning, and thus the moment that would free her from it, would come sooner.
She climbed into her bed, slipped under the blanket, not caring about it that she would sully her bed completely with blood in this night, her mother could take care of cleaning everything, and rested her head on the pillow. A sudden, faint smile flashed over her face.
She sat up again, reached under her pillow and into a small hole in her mattress, that was almost unnoticeable if she carefully smoothed down the fabric that covered it. She was pulling something out of it and looked at it with an admiring smile.
It was a photo. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, together with Apple Bloom's cousin Babs Seed, were on it. They were standing in front of their clubhouse and all of them were wearing their trademark Cutie Mark Crusaders capes, with broad grins adorning their faces. "Babs Seed, our newest member!" a tiny hoofwriting said at the bottom of the picture.
Diamond Tiara had stolen this picture out of their clubhouse right after Babs Seed had returned to Manehattan on this day. A feeling of guilt stung in her heart. First she took it just to hurt them. She wanted to rip it apart and show them the pieces, but then she couldn't. The picture moved her and reminded her on the dream that she could never fulfill, so she was keeping it and hiding it in her mattress where her mother would hopefully not find it.
Diamond Tiara gently moved a hoof over the picture and began to tear up again. She lied down and pressed the picture tightly against her chest, while the tears began to stream again and soaked her pillow. Maybe..... Maybe one day, when she was adult and could leave her mother, she could give it back to them and apologize for everything. Maybe she could finally be their friend then.
These were the last thoughts that went through Diamond Tiara's head on this horrible day and hoping for a better future, she slowly cried herself to sleep.....
Author's Note
A quick piece to let out some feelings that would have eaten me up otherwise.
Minimally edited, so expect mistakes. Feel free to point them out if you see some, I will fix them ASAP!
A little clarification, since I already got two comments expressing the wish for a happy ending:
This fic is no Alternate Universe fic. It's set somewhere between Babs becoming a member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and the events seen in "Crusaders of the Lost Mark". When exactly is intentionally not specified.
The happy ending some asked for can therefore be seen in the episode, by Diamond Tiara becoming the friend of Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
